I can tell you after 2 years of experience, just doesn't help unless that person is willing work on themselves

"Don't make a project out of your partner" - that's just priceless! Thank you :)

Paulien I think you should write a book on this. I think there is only one book on this subject. I bought it and it was bad. I know yours would be way better and helpful for both FAs and their partners.

@lizzzarduh

Жыл бұрын

Yes!!

@Taratreehugger

11 ай бұрын

Yes i have looked at so much material on FA’s and yours is very unique.

@justvedit

6 ай бұрын

Yess!!!! I just met this amazing guy and I have been binging your videos Pauline thank you so much for this please write the book!

I fell in love with an amazing woman. She is 32, with a 4 year old girl. She is FA and has no idea. We had a beautiful honeymoon period, bliss for 6 months. After a first holiday she started to pull back. I talked about moving in together and I'm pretty sure that triggered a crash state. There was a lot of push pull and I didnt realise i was being tested many times. She decided I was a liar, no good for her, didnt want to be with her. All of which is exactly the opposite of reality. She pulled apart my looks, my character, my mannerisms. I made her a birthday cake and because I licked the cake mix from my fingers she decided I wasn't the one for her. Of course I know it is much more than this but this is one of many examples. She has what I would call an addiction to getting attention from guys online, social media etc. I guess it gives her a dopamine hit. One of these guys she decided to meet up with and do something more. She then realised that I actually do love her, that I genuinely have never lied to her since the day asked her out. I have been consistent, honest, loyal, caring, compassionate, understanding, gave her space whenever she wanted it. When she realised this, and that she had sabotaged what I would call a healthy relationship, she continually pushed me away, was emotionally abusive, started to shut down, eventually leaving me (via text). After she left me I worked out some her behaviours, the fact she had been talking to guys met online, she never told me this, but when i asked she confirmed she had. I understood it was purely for attention and it was not because I was not able to offer her something. It was due to something lacking in her, not something lacking in me. I poured out my heart on several occasions and eventually I think she switched from avoidant to anxious and all of sudden wanted to tell me everything. We decided to get back together, however the push pull dynamic still played out. She also started to deactivate completely. She lost all attraction, she even became repulsed. She lost all her energy, shut down emotionally, physically, started getting ill regularly. I had no idea about attachment styles at this point. I thought she was depressed or these were symptoms of her hyperthyroidism. I stood by her, i supported her throughout this time as she was struggling to cope with just about everything in her life. I am extremely secure and very very resilient. So we continued the hot and cold dynamics. We went on a family holiday, as in i went on holiday with her and all her family and had a wonderful time. Her little girl, who i have a wonderful loving relationship with, i treat her like my own daughter, I have raised her for the last 2 years, taught her how to speak, how to behave, how to learn to deal with her emotions by accepting them, validating her, trying to teach her and show her consistent love to bring her towards being secure, because I can see she is leaning anxious. I picked her up from school on her first day of school. I saw my girlfriend on the weekend a short while after this and she was so completely shut down. She could barely talk to me, barely look at me let alone touch me. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't open up at all. So i made a big mistake. I told her i was feeling hurt, that i felt rejection, that i felt i had to fight for her time. And i asked for a date night, told her i wanted to take her out to dinner so we could share some quality time together. The following weekend, expecting a yes or no to the date night, i instead got a 1500 word text which I will summarise as this "despite the many happy and wonderful memories we have shared, I dont know why its taken me so long to realise this, but we simply dont love each other. I dont want us to get too emotional over this" And that was it. She was gone. We were over. No meeting, no conversation, no explanation. I promise you, even being very secure, this is an absolutely devastating, painful, confusing, frustrating experience. With no option to talk, I began to reflect on our relationship and what had happened. I recognised this was not depression. Her behaviour was so contradictory. I am certain she loves me, but due to losing all attraction and exactly every single thing Paulien describes as a reaction to a healthy relationship, she demonstrated it. I somehow worked this out. I began searching online for answers. I discovered attachment theory and could see she leans very much avoidant. But the more I read the more i realised this was not it. I discovered fearful avoidant. Her childhood is full of trauma, her dad has bipolar and was very unstable, her mum is completely emotionally closed off and avoidant herself. She was also very demanding, expecting perfection, reward driven. This has given my ex some of the amazing qualities she has as a person. I know she is wonderfully kind, caring, compassionate herself at her core. But she suffers from so much confusion and pain that she does not reveal to anyone in the world. Not to family, not to friends, and only barely to me after we broke up. I learnt more about her in the 2 months since we broke up than in the 2 years we were together. I also learnt a lot about myself. Whilst I am heavily dominantly secure, that certainly wasnt always the case. I discovered I too had a number of FA traits, as well a couple of anxious traits. I was very surprised to see this at first. Sure a few anxious traits, I promise you, being someone secure with an FA will 100% magnify even the tiniest insecurity you have. However on reflection I recognise i too experienced childhood trauma, i also had a very controlling and demanding dad. I used to repress my emotions, I used to think i wasn't worthy of love. I healed over a very long period of time. I also learnt a lot about myself, about my need to always help people. I thought I may be co-dependent and a people pleaser. But i realised i dont help people because I am insecure. I am an HSP. A highly sensitive person. Or an empath. In fact a wounded intuitive empath that has healed. My desire to help people, it comes from a place of empathy and compassion. A lot of the pain i was feeling in the relationship was me sensing my ex's pain. A lot of the confusion i felt was my sensing and feeling my ex's confusion. So having learnt a lot about myself and about my ex, I had a dilemma. Do i fight to win her back? Only to go through the same cycle which is inevitable, she has been going through the saem cycle since she was a young teenager. Do i move on knowing I love her, that she loves me and its purely because of the unconditional love I have shown her that she had completely and utterly deactivated. If i try to help her is it because I am co-dependent, i need to fix her? No. She wants to heal. She has said as much several times, but she has no idea how. So i decided to see if i can point her in the direction of healing, but it is her journey to make. I dont know if she is ready, if she has the courage, the capacity or the desire to heal. But i have to try to help. So i got her to take an attachment test. She is heavy FA and DA. exactly as I thought she would be. So i gave her several books. Attachment theory, setting boundaries, 5 love languages, EFT technique, the body keeps the score amongst others. I sent her links to many of Paulien's videos and several other channels. I sent her links to videos explaining how trauma gets trapped in the body. This may be too much for her to take in. But it is hers to do with as she pleases. And the only way for this to be fair to her, is for me to let go. To leave her to do what is right for her. I love her, but I will not fight for her anymore. I will not crowd her, pressure her, change her. I don't believe this is something that she has to do on her own, I want to support her through this. I have loved her since quite early into our relationship and I love her even more now, but I have to let her go. This is her journey. In her time, in her own way. Paulien, thank you for your videos, they have genuinely changed my life and I hope they can change the life of the woman that I love but who is no longer mine.

@dollophead8718

Жыл бұрын

Could you share the books?

@estelao.b.1473

Жыл бұрын

I dont think you did anything wrong. You only gave and she only took, mostly. Maybe rethink which one of you was the most superficial or interested. I was codependent for the wrong reasons and left the guy twice. He even tried to cheat/did cheat, I will never know. And still with all the bad things, I surprised myself longing for seeing him one last time. It s absurd.

@fx4147

Жыл бұрын

Bro, dont date avoidants in the future… Learned myself 💔❤️‍🩹 just that it didn’t take me that long. Over empathy isnt anything to be proud of (myself included) its another trauma response that magnetizes both you and avoidanta/narcissists/emotionally unavailable people. Gotta fix our own subconscious beliefs of our own unworthiness, etc- now that you know where to work on, dont delay and dont get back with her!!! Unless you havent got enough punishment. Peace & Love brother

@TheLace

Жыл бұрын

Despite your best intentions, the juice just ain’t worth the squeeze: leave her alone to her own dysfunction, she ain’t worth the grief.

@TomAZ1984

9 ай бұрын

Bro. No offense, but I can tell from your prose that you are too sensitive for a girl like her. And that’s probably never going to change (you or her). I did learn a lot about my mother through reading your comment though. It describes her to a T. Thank you for posting. And just so you know you’re not alone or feel embarrassed: I’m researching FAs myself because I fell in love with a phonesex operator 😭. Find a nice girl. Good luck!

I'm here to learn. I was broken by an FA, but I don't blame her, I blame those who hurt her. It's coming up on a year without her and her kids and I pray for them every single day. Respect to those who are working on their healing ❤️

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

6 ай бұрын

Thank you for being here!❤

This is very good advice. I think it's important to highlight what you said: make sure your own needs are being met before you decide to stay. I really tried this approach with my partner, and it seemed to be slowly working. Until they got triggered by their someone else (Their home, at the time) and they told me they needed all their energy for themselves for a bit because they had no energy for anything else. I agreed to hold more space for them, as long as there was still some space for me and our relationship, they agreed. That never happened. I ended up in a parental figure/therapist role that I didn't want, and enforcing boundaries around it didn't help. Eventually we argued for the first time. At the same time their "safe space" became safe again, they didn't need my support as much anymore, and they ended up deactivating. They're semi aware of all of this this, just learned they have FA attachment this week. I really wish them the best and I hope they can find someone as caring and compassionate as your husband to support them when they're ready to. I'm not that person, and that's okay. I understand why it all happened now, I don't hold a grudge. I truly wish them the best, they have the biggest heart and deserve to be loved for who they are.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

8 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for sharing your story, that must have been really hard. It can be heartbreaking if things don't work out the way you've had hoped. Its seems like you have a very big heart, sending you lots of love in this time of healing❤

Yes, very helpful. When I didn't want to change my brother and wanted just to be there for him - that's when he changed

I cried when you cried in the video haha. So relatable. I'm FA and so is the man I love. It's so hard to completely understand someone to their core and why they do what they do, but then still get triggered by them. I have learned something from this video though, just bc I am healing my attachment style does not mean he "should". I need to release the desire to try and encourage him to "do what I do so we can be happy". He needs to come to that place on his own and, in the meantime, I must accept him entirely for who he is now and who he may always remain, just as I would want for myself. Thank you for your insight and wisdom.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

Love love love this. I can imagine it's even harder when you are healing and putting in the work, but it really is necessary that he does come that place on his own, like you say!

@Taratreehugger

11 ай бұрын

I hope you can do that. Boy it’s hard!

You are awesome. Thank you for your honesty. Your articulation of accepting a FA were they are is so spot on. I pray I show this adequately to the FA that helped me see the FA that used to be at the core of me........ The work is internal and no one outside can "fix" another. Perhaps the best one can hope is the offered salve of AGAPE and tincture of time provides the milieu to heal. God Bless you. Cheers.

You are so beautiful, Paulien. Your journey has been amazing. Thank you for putting videos like this one out there. It may not be in the cards for me and my person, but it sure does give me hope.

Please do more on how a partner’s experience and what they can do for themselves and the FA. Very helpful! Thx

I feel like you are the only person on YT to say it so correctlyyy and so righttt. I feel like i am seeing myself in the mirror when you talk about it. When you talk about fearful avoidants.

I dont relate to the im the lion tamer at all. I just like the person and dont want to rip my hair out. I am very good at accepting people but the 180s are so fast its like a constant upper cut.

Thank you so much ❤️ your channel introduced me to Attachment Styles and it has restore my faith. I’m so excited about future connections because I now know the WHY!! I’ve also been practicing the EFT exercise which has help tremendously. So grateful 🙏🏼

@Patrick-ru2xg

2 жыл бұрын

Hey Sofie, nice to hear from nice to hear from you that EFT works for you as well. I am a 28 year old fearful avoidant male and doing eft since 112 days sometimes several ours a day. Through what affirmations or core wounds do you get through? I sometimes have the feeling that my hardest core wound ist that I am not loveable.

That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard!! They are already perfect and good enough as they are!!

@wildnisfarm2754

Жыл бұрын

no. they are not perfect. they make people suffer in an inhumane way. I'm a survivor who gave unconditional love but was betrayed and thrown away like garbage after eight years of manipulation.

thank you - very insightful and moving

I cried with you, unexpectedly.

There are a lot of wonderful KZreadrs on attachment styles but Paulien takes the cake - and this one in particular. 100% acceptance of an FA - or anyone - as they are in this moment or move on. Love your honesty, authenticity, wisdom and Dutch accent but amazing English / calming voice. Keep it up, girl!!!!

@neko_neko9

Жыл бұрын

She only has a tinge of an accent tho, American English based and too hard to pinpoint

@suzanne2680

Жыл бұрын

@@neko_neko9 agree - her English is perfect

This video was EXCELLENT. So real, so practical and actually helped me find closure on some things that have gone on for fee too long - so helpful. Thank you!

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

9 ай бұрын

❤

This is excellent...

Thank u so much, i feel so related to this. Im FA part secure n my boy a FA to leaning to avoidant is like this. I always thought we were quite similar and i never tried to fix him. But watching this i feel so much better about myself and him. It has been tough and i was like do i wanna date myself hahaahah. But he’s such a lovely and sweet person. I absolutely adore him

The crying in the voice, when she talks about having the luck to have a partner that did just all that, what she explains a partner has to do, really says all. Nothing that can be more convincing than that. Thanks Paulien, for being so open about it, with your emotions.

Very valuable!

This has really helped me so much with looking at things a different way with my fearful avoident girlfriend, the whole love them as they are i actually nearly started crying,I needed to hear this actually I've done a lot of research and are doing things in the right way or trying my best but this i really needed to hear.

We ALL have attachment styles and so must try to love someone flaws and all. I have abandonment wounds... .If you're searching for that Unicorn you're gonna be alone a lonnnng time....* I've just started dating an FA so we'll see how it goes. It challenges me but I take those challenges as emotional growth for me! I've always struggled with setting and maintaining boundaries so that is a great lesson for me to practice. Also staying emotionally centered in the eye of the Storm. Your videos are so helpful 🙏🕉💙

The thing I most appreciate from this video is that I do accept the FA who I met for where they are now. I only hope that the attention I give and attempts to keep in contact is met with the purity of intent that it emanates from. I understand where they are, for I most likely was there and didn't even realize it at the time. Only a deep trauma and protracted period of self reflection allowed me to make progress. That progress was however codified when the FA I met did interact with me sans judgement, and listened with an open heart and mind. Cosmic Karma and divine intervention has to be at play. I hope and pray my presence and interaction can be of the same benefit to the FA I met. How can one best "show" this level of Agape without interaction? Or what frequency of contact would you offer as being something that is tolerated without infringing upon boundaries ? Should I simply ask? I am not needy nor insecure any more. Thank you for your excellent video here. Cheers

Hello Paulien your videos are so comforting!! I always come back to them when I feel I am in a crash state I can’t pull myself out of. I was wondering if there is anyway you can do an In depth video centered on the difference between your fear brain pushing you away from your partner and a lack of interest in the individual? I really think that reminder could be helpful!

@JeannineIsaksen

Жыл бұрын

I wondered about that too! Would love a video on that.

Thank you for the sincere advice. If I passed this video. I might make big mistake on my planning to be with her. I will sincerely just stay by her. Look for her self development with patient. Thanks again.

Very informative

Omg this is probably the best content I have come across . It is where I am now ...and helps so much ..❤ How do I explain this to her this is the avenue she needs to explore She is doing work on herself but she hasnt come across attachment styles

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

9 ай бұрын

I am so happy to hear this, its very valuable. If she is already open to self work, than you can definitely introduce her to the different attachment styles.Could also be very helpful for her!❤

It's so hard to be there and don't have any power to take that pain away, expecially when you know exactly how it feels, 'cos you've been there in the past, both as an FA and having hit rock bottom and being in the dark with no one on your side and no one even aware of what you were going through. Trying to take one day at a time, giving him all the space and time he needs to heal and put down the walls, trying to be the safe place he needs...and hope the therapist he goes to is the right one for his situation

Paulien, with the help of my therapist, I realized that (be ready! :)) EVEN the "not FA" has a part of FA in her/him! The relationship is a HEALING relationship where the "not FA" is seeing a part of themseves in the FA. The "allowing" is exactly as you said: letting the fear brain show the painful area, liberating it, so that the pain can eventually fade...and BOTH can overcome the FA attachement. BOTH

As an FA man (which I've just recently learned today and it explains so much) I seriously cannot even comprehend or even begin to believe there's a woman that could love me as I am right now. I don't believe it's possible

@Taratreehugger

11 ай бұрын

I know the feeling. And I feel like if someone does stay with me it must be because they are co-dependent. Why would a healthy person be willing to put up with so much drama? I feel so hopeless.

@StudioSGS

9 ай бұрын

There exist secure people who have very compassionate hearts. It doesn't mean they think they deserve poor treatment. They just see your hurt and are willing to hold you in your pain.

You are the first person I relate and I feel with you and cry with you. IS Arjen Dutch hèhè, I have a dutch friend with the same name. I a FA myself and after 6 years of hard work I am feeling I am growing so fast it's crazy I don't recognize who I am anymore... I am grateful for you and your video's, thnk you Robin

@robinrood3529

7 ай бұрын

Ik lees nu dat je van NL bent... Zo bijzonder...

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

7 ай бұрын

@robinrood3529 Klopt inderdaad!! ❤❤

Thank you for pointing out that other attachment styles have a role in this also. I had an ex that was AP and she was the “clingy, needy type” and I was the hot and cold type in the relationship. Sometimes I wanted the closeness which she was all for of course. But when she became needy I got angry every time and pushed her away. Insecure attachment styles do not go together. Both people need to be working on themselves for it to work.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 ай бұрын

It is like a challenge 2.0 when you bring two insecure attachment styles together. It CAN work, it just takes a lot of self-reflection, awareness, time and energy.

@coltenkelso5764

2 ай бұрын

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 yeah if both people are not working on themselves it doesn’t work. Avoidant and anxious types do not go together. The avoidant pulls further away from the anxious type while the anxious type tries to get closer. It’s a push pull dynamic. Neither person is happy in the relationship.

I really was trying to be better but I couldn't seem to pull myself out of those obsessive patterns. Ig i had a crash state the past year. I feel better now learning about myself.

Could you please make a video about FAs after breakups? I went through a breakup 4 months ago ,and got triggered 3 months ago feeling like i was betrayed in a way ,and all this time I’ve been going through an emotional roller coaster, going from missing him terribly to hating him and it’s been really confusing!! So I’d love to know what you have to say about that:)

@blackbear6426

2 жыл бұрын

@@alexislaura9487 ?? What are you talking about?

@Taratreehugger

11 ай бұрын

That’s why I’m terrified of breaking up with people - because I miss them so much that I can’t stay away and then if they take me back I start to want to get away again. No matter what I do I feel trapped. It feels like purgatory.

Hi I've come across this page & love it. That's what I really don't understand about FA people: I always hear FA people are very sympathetic & empathetic but then how can they be so mean at the same time? Empathy & mean remarks are in contradiction. Would be good if you could do a video about this topic, please.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

Жыл бұрын

They usually have incredible capacity for empathy, but that doesn't mean that they feel or are able to access that in any given moment. The moments that they are mean are the moments their pain and subsequent protection mechanisms come up. They probably won't feel emapthy in that moment, since they are engulfed by the pain.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

Жыл бұрын

I wrote this down as a video topic as well!

I’m sending this to my partner right now. I’ve been putting him - and myself - through so much and I’m at the point where I don’t know if I should stay or go because I’m getting triggered every day. But I know this happens no matter who I date.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

11 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing. Hope all goes well❤

@Taratreehugger

8 ай бұрын

He watched this video and held me and told me he wouldn’t try to change me. I thought I had finally found my person. And then a month later he just shut down with no warning, found somebody else and broke up with me. It’s been two months and I still think about him every day, but as far as I know, he’s happy with his new partner. I don’t understand how he could seem to care about me so much one moment and then be done with me. Feel nothing. 😢

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

8 ай бұрын

@@Taratreehugger I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, we can't always know what goes around in our (ex)partners mind. Sending you lots of love❤

@Taratreehugger

8 ай бұрын

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870Thanks.

6:19 I think it takes great courage for him. Most people throw the towel in the ring when they don't feel it anymore that you love them or are attracted to them. It takes great courage and vulnerability for him to see through that.

When she was deactivating a lot, I told her I love her no matter what. But it started another level of deactivation. All I wanted was to reassure her. Maybe we need to adjust according to person.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

8 ай бұрын

I am sorry to hear that. Not every FA avoidant is exactly the same and it does happen that somebody has a differente response to it. ❤

So I just gotta present and be consistent for my FA, right?

Me and my partner are both fearful avoidant lol. Match made in heaven! LMAO

@chynnhowe

2 жыл бұрын

SAME!!

@13LesTadO13

2 жыл бұрын

Isn't it awesome lol? I never know which one of us is going to start running away tomorrow 🤣

@annabelroberts4792

2 жыл бұрын

Ditto!

@13LesTadO13

2 жыл бұрын

Actually thanks to Pauline and her helpful content I'm much more secure already. I think you saved the relationship honestly thanks Pauline!

I wish I had known about attachment styles before falling in love with my FA. I never tried to change him. I am secure. I have my own life and am an independent woman. Perhaps I did something unknowingly to trigger him and cause him to pull away. He never communicated his needs. We had a connection. Our time together was quite beautiful. After four years of a relationship/situationship we had reached a stage of peace and companionship. He began a slow fade, bread crumbing, and eventually monkey branched to another woman. He offered me "friendship" and business as usual while dating the other woman (who is unaware of me) to " see where it goes ". We do love each other). I said no and walked away without a tear. I guess his fears got the best of him. We are seniors, BTW. That was about six weeks ago. My reaction now is one of sadness. No regrets. It just happens sometimes.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

9 ай бұрын

Awh i am so sorry you are going through this, must be very difficult. Thank you for sharing your experience, sending lots of love your way❤

thank you

It looks like you only think the FA ones. But they can hurt their partner very much.

Can you explain the difference between expecting/asking someone to heal/change and holding healthy boundaries while loving an FA? If there's a boundary violation, wouldn't requesting those boundaries be respected require a change in their behavior?

@user-ep8fc7ow3s

2 ай бұрын

Hi! Good question. As I understood it, boundaries relate more to not let them abuse you i.e. not to talk to you disrespectfully, be mean, manipulative etc.On the other hand, we should refrain from being impatient and pressuring them to work on themselves, but accept them for who they are instead.

Don't fix. Allow space.

Can we please invite Aaron so that he could help us understand better how he made it there to getting you marry him? 😂🎉

you’re amazing, this was by far my favorite video and I do love all of them! I could 100% “feel it” that you actually, really do care. you’re very professional yet not overly professional about certain topics and you keep things real. thank you for all the great and helpful content 🫶🏼

I noticed that the only people that dont try to change me are the securely attached

Can you talk about FA and cheating? While in a break up and in the relationship

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

9 ай бұрын

Thank you, I will definitely look into this!❤

I had a very unstable childhood- I can't really go into it. That said, I have always been attracted to "bar-fly" "bad boys "unavailable men" and just plain assholes. Very recently, I started dating an old friend and I have experienced repulsion discussed in your other videos. I am completely reeling, I don't know what the hell I am doing!!! I have made so many mistakes in love.

Im confused if my partner is FA he has never spoke to me disrespectfully, although he does choose when he wants to see me, hes told me it takes a long time to fall in love. Any advice or videos i can watch. I know hes been hurt and i believe hes scared of being hurt again.

Any advice for how a fearful avoidant should date?

I have a super deep connection with a fearful avoidant female. We talk every day and she usually starts the conversations. The problem is she will not be intimate with me but she will sleep with just about any Chad that comes her way and as soon as he leaves she’s back on her phone snapping and texting me. Just using the parts of me that she finds acceptable. I don’t want to break things off with her because we’ve built a serious connection and I don’t want to blame her for things her childhood caused but she is making me feel quite lesser than.

@brennam954

4 ай бұрын

If she's sleeping with every guy around her, then trust me bro, her feelings for you are not that deep. Go find someone worthy of your affection. Leave her be. You can't fix her and she doesn't want to change.

@WOMPITUS

4 ай бұрын

@@brennam954 Haven’t spoken to her in months and don’t plan to ever again.

Pretty optimistic, hard to achieve.

What if you are a FA dating a FA?

So its still possible to love them

What if you are already in love with a fearful avoidant? I love her with every bit of my being. It’s just that I don’t feel like I am being loved back. It brings me days that are so low. How can I keep a positive outlook for our future together? How can she not want to kick me out when I am so low and depressed. I want to be the man that your husband is. I want to be him so badly.

@annabelroberts4792

2 жыл бұрын

I hope you don't mind me jumping in here, but from the point of view of an FA woman in recovery, i think you might benefit from some therapy so you can feel secure in yourself regardless of her switching, and become less attached to the outcome of your relationship with your FA. Maybe you have some anxious preoccupied tendencies and that's what's causing you the real pain, becoming securely attached will help you not to feel your mood and wellbeing are dependent on your FA having a good or bad day with you.

@sandiriffic

2 жыл бұрын

@@annabelroberts4792 I have a FA date. We almost went official but his trauma triggered. So far I've been present and be consistent whenever he reaches out. I'm doin it right?

@brennam954

4 ай бұрын

Unless she is actively working on improving her attachment style and dealing with her trauma, you need to let her go. The longer you stay and completely sacrifice your own needs for their comfort (where the relationship is 1-way), the less incentive they have to change. In the end, the vast majority of avoidants will abandon you. The longest relationships avoidants usually have is with other avoidants, so unless you want to be suppressing your basic needs the rest of your life and doing this stupid dance, all for them, I suggest you find a healthier partner and develop stronger boundaries. I know it's hard when you love them, but it'll be harder when they eventually leave you after all you gave them. Choose yourself bro.

I really like a fearful avoidant. I am trying to date her.

@TomAZ1984

9 ай бұрын

Same here haha. How’s it going with you?

😭😭 a very scared child.

♡

Why would you say that they are perfect as they are?? Obviously they are not… they are struggling. How is being constantly in pain perfect? Who wants their loved one to live like that?

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

Жыл бұрын

There is a part of every person that is perfect, unchangeable. It can't be broken, it can't be taken away. The thing that makes them struggle is trauma, and coping mechanisms. It's not them. And even with those coping mechanisms: they are still working perfectly, in the sense that those coping mechanisms make so much sense. It is just them protecting themselves. Telling them (or even just believing) they are not perfect unless they are perfectly healed puts tremendous pressure on them, even if that's unintended. 'You are not good enough until you are healed'. Ofcourse you want them to be happy, but they have to know that you love them fully even if being happy is too hard. Believing that they (or their core, soul, or however you want to call it) are perfect, does not take away from putting up boundaries, and telling them what behaviors are ok and which aren't. It is just letting them know that they don't have to be a specific way (like being happy all the time) to be worthy of love. They are always worthy of love, also when they are in pain.

@csjune2542

Жыл бұрын

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 so perfectly imperfect. I get it, no one is perfect and everyone deserves love. I’ll think about everything else that you’ve said. Thanks

@nm1613

Ай бұрын

So when you put up boundaries and tell them which behaviors are ok and which are not ok, they will interpret that as not accepting them as perfect. I appreciate the message you are trying to convey but it is circular logic. Before you use terms like "perfect" and not trying to "change them" you have to qualify and define what you mean by perfect and what changes are necessary (i.e. behavioral changes).

👍

It is very important to not make the partner your project, their heart like a broken car and only you can fix it. This idea is total crap and I know it because I had it 😂 2015 I tried to save someone from themselves. I learned: Wanting to change somebody's self-destructive patterns is not noble. It is super rude, it is disrespectful, overstepping personal boundaries. it is not helping them at all. It can make their relationship problems even worse. They feel like you are starting a power struggle and do not feel loved / accepted by you at all. Dont do it ! It is okay to mention what you see / feel, being honest is okay. Telling them what you learned about attachment style, your own troubles, your relationship goals.... but do not make their problem be your problem. No buying them books, they need to buy the books themselves. No promises of "I will help you", you cannot help them. They need to DO it. You cannot do it for them.

How to date a fearful avoidant??? Avoid them before you fear them...

Seriously my advice is run for the hills,ok they don't mean it but you might as wlell go out with narcissistic person, same result unfortunately.my girlfriend trreats me like absolute shit but it's ok because she is avoident no it's not OK ,this is never OK!!! Be with someone who treats you with respect and gives you your worth.

It’s very fair to the FA to expect them to do better. They do need to be better. The greatest hypocrite I’ve ever met in my life. I’m still trying to find evidence that she wasn’t a covert narcissist. Worst relationship ever. Just awful. A child in an adult body that wanted me to be a doormat. Completely lacked respect or the ability to participate meaningfully in an adult relationship. 10/10 wasn’t worth the emotional and mental exhaustion.

You don't.

Yeahh um, what about how the partner feels? This creates a parent-child dynamic and the needs of the child (Avoidant) need to be met no matter what, or the relationship fails. This whole video sounds like an excuse.

@MrMalum

Ай бұрын

I think that is the only to love and be with fearful Avoidant. She nailed it pretty good. But what needs to ve said - there should be similar values and probably goals. If not fearful avoidant will get triggered to no end.

They are NOT “good as they are”, healed or not- stop spreading falsehoods.

@EvolveAndEmpower

Жыл бұрын

Sadly. their behavior is often horrendous, and they blame you for responding to their horrendous behavior.

This video was EXCELLENT. So real, so practical and actually helped me find closure on some things that have gone on for fee too long - so helpful. Thank you!

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

9 ай бұрын

You are so very welcome, happy to have you here!❤