This explains why in my relationships with narcissists, I was so frustrated in my efforts to be seen by the narcissist until I understood that I could not be seen by the narcissist and that this had nothing whatsoever to do with me.

@marianapopescu753

3 жыл бұрын

In the moment you realize that you are dealing with a narcissist you have only two options : accept them for who they are or go no contact. For ever!!! There's no middle way.

A huge thank you. I tried for years to understand this person's radical shift in behaviour towards me from one week to the next, despite mine remaining the same and not prompting sudden idealisation or devaluation. I also tried understanding why he would regularly "dump me" and make plans of what to do afterwards, without actually leaving in the morning and acting serene, as if nothing had happened. It was as if I were an outside observer of the relationship he was having in his own head.

I've never listened to a lecture with this much focus. Thank you.

Thank you for this…after the death of his mother, I watched a terrible shift in his attitude towards me, I was the worst person on Earth, he devalued me, finally cheated on me and I have never seen him so happy and in love before when he announced that I was just like his mother and he was dumping me. Thank you for these wonderful lectures, and helping people to understand. Keep it up.

His exes that left him, he now worships them.

@kamilapriehodova8674

11 ай бұрын

I had something similar happen to me. After years if suffering, I left the narcissistic abuser. I stupidly gave him one more chance when his very life was at stake, only for him to try to utterly destroy me a second time. But I moved away, I got a new home in a city 550 kms away near a good friend of mine, who turned out to be the opposite of my narc ex-husband. I will never fall for my narc ex's ploys again. Life can be good and pleasant when you're not dealing with someone who constantly criticizes you, devalued you, wants to undermine you and destroy you because they really hate you. I was once where you are now, being tormented by a narc who cared more about his ex-mistress who dumped him and other women who would never help him as much as I did; by now I live a better life and I couldn't give a damn about him and his escapades. And I only wish I'd stop giving a damn about him much much earlier, or that (ideally) I'd never get serious with him in the first place. It's fascinating, liberating and empowering when you realize that there are people (and partners) out there who can treat you kindly and with respect. The abusive actions of our previous narcissistic relationships will start to seem like the horrors they were, by way of comparison.

I remember myself as distinctly separate from infancy. I recall how I felt in relation to my mother, aware of myself, observing her behaviour in relation to me. She was not me. I was me, observing others and dependent on them.

@alexandraalmanzar570

2 жыл бұрын

Same.

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT ANALYSIS!! THANK YOU PROFESSOR!

My current partner is obsessed with females & yet is always criticising them . He either hides snd lies or triangulates me with them. Work colleagues Exes Females friends I feel like I’m being cheated on all the time Movie stars Musicians Sex sites, porn etc

I feel like I phantasized my entire life since I was little, I think my mother had BPD. Don't know for sure but my family of narcissists character assassinated her after she died when I was 16. I always felt massive guilt about my relationship with her because to me she was wonderful, she was dysfunctional in some ways but still I could feel her good intention and her struggle. Since a month after she died or so I was terryfied of dying and being alone and started to cling to my much older Psychopathic/narcissistic brother, he pretented to take care of me and I always wanted to be like him, he was like a superhero to me, so confident and calm and fearless. But after a while he started abusing me and I stayed in the relationship for 8 years out of fear and shame to leave... I have lost everything and I think I'm a narcissist myself for fantasizing grandiose fantasies. I feel defeated. Thanks for the content

@whahaownage

3 жыл бұрын

@@justtoday9661 Thank you so much for your message, that was really kind of you, i really appreciate it. :)

@makeacomment1001

3 жыл бұрын

You have a soft heart, you are not a narcissis. Narcissistics are not able to admit their true character. You grew up using coping mechanisms. Remember love always wins. You are love

@Lvcccas

3 жыл бұрын

If you raise a lion between the dogs, it will act like a dog but it will be still a lion. You found mechanisms to deal with your family, but we clearly see an empathetic guy who starts to know your true self. Keep improving, believing and breathing! Pray if you believe in God and stay away from the narcisist!

Reading “Malignant Self Love, Narcissism Revisited”, opened my eyes to my role in the shared delusion. The nightmare was morphing into one of physical abuse before I left. Sam, would you consider sharing the aforementioned book as a Audible edition?

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

No. Too long. Thank you so much. Could I bother you to kindly post a review on the book’s Amazon page? www.amazon.com/Malignant-Self-Love-Narcissism-Sam-Vaknin/dp/8023833847/

Mr. Vaknin, can we say that narcissistic mothers also dump their toxic waste on their daughters? I am trying to understand the underlying causes why they hate us from our very childhood. Could it be that even as babies we represent external objects for them?

The bestest lecture on narcissism EVER..thank you so much..aloha from Kona, Hawaii🌺

Only bounderies are space .. interesting!!

He gloats about who likes or flirts with him. I saw it as a way to make me insecure, but I also see he likes his ego boosted

Thank you. Finally I see.

He put on a song sung by a female, he grabbed me & said let’s dance. I realised he wasn’t dancing with me.

Great lecture

He likes telling me that his boss paid him a compliment.

How the humans going to stop this madness Sam have you got any suggestions.

My ex would only talk about his Mom when he was drunk. She had sexual relations with men or women in front of him and his little brother. Most of the days she ignored him and his brother. Until she was angry. The younger brother would be beat, in front of my ex, who wasn’t allowed to stop it in any way. Then she would praise my ex for his beautiful face while his little brother laid crumpled up, naked, bruised and crying, on the bathroom floor. Then she’d ignore them again for days. Their father left, because she would beat on him and scream in his face, when the boys were 4 & 2. She would then set their breakfasts in the living room bay window and tell the babies to pack their bag because their dad was coming to get them. They’d sit in that window until sunset while she came in randomly to tell them “He doesn’t love you. He should have been here already.” She had never called their dad. It was a set up each time. She did that for years, about once a week, until they didn’t want to pack their bags anymore. Then she’d beat the younger one for not listening. They both grew to hate women. My ex was quiet and then abusive. His little brother is loud and then abusive. Ironically, the younger brother has 2 children he loves and won’t abuse for any reason. Just women. My ex had 3 children by 3 different women. Each he left after the child was old enough to talk. Only to ask his children for money or gifts after they became teenagers. He didn’t raise any of them. Most of the time he’d sit quietly... chewing on his fingers and staring off. He has physically abused many women in his life but he blamed them for being indecisive and/or weak. Even so, most of his ex’s were eventually the core of his accomplishments. Like any good thing they did was only because he was in their life at that time. He absorbs it as his own accomplishment.

@jenniehettrick4204

3 жыл бұрын

@@Roberta_Esposito I’m not sure how to respond. I’m sorry if you endured such abuse. Some seem to overcome and some seem to become broken by it. I’ve met both personally. I wish you well and hope you find the help you need to mentally and emotionally be able to put the blame with whom it lies.

@marianapopescu753

3 жыл бұрын

Knowing all this things you chose to stay with him?? Jesus Christ, have mercy 🙏

@jenniehettrick4204

3 жыл бұрын

@@marianapopescu753 ? No. It’s everything I found out over time and why I’m not there anymore. Some things I learned after leaving. You don’t envision your “best friend - soul mate” becoming the person who emotionally rips your world apart but he did. Toxic manipulative people can paint a beautiful world over their behaviors and you’re none the wiser until you accidentally find the first clue.

@lucidevlin

7 ай бұрын

@@jenniehettrick4204It’s funny because I actually educated one about dark triad traits and NPD before I ever knew they had it (NPD) a few years later I don’t even think they know they have it to this day either I remember I was always making excuses for them, but they literally exhibited all the same crossovers, correlations, and traits that were listed in the DSM time and time again I think I was mostly blind to it from symbiosis, other people and family even tried to warn me, but I just always gave them a convenient excuse and thought that all of the people from their past were always the problem from the explanations they were giving me So point is, you might have the knowledge beforehand, but without the direct experience and anecdotes, you might never pick up on those clues They like to make it seem like you’re special, like you and them are meant to go places in life together, but the end destination is basically a catch 22 hell

My partner was listening to a voicemail from his female boss, who happens to be African. He put the phone to my ear & said don’t you love her voice. Bazar

Another fascinating and informative lecture. Thank you, Dr Vaknin. This is the first time I have heard that the narcissist also feels the effect of the trauma bond. I did not realize this was the case. Would you say that, when the narcissist finds a new intimate partner or source of supply, that the trauma bond is broken for them? Thank you.

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

Watch the vids about shared fantasy and mortification.

Kind of cannibalism...

What happens to the internal representation of you when you go no contact with the narcacisst? Does it ever disappear or get replaced by another internal object?

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

It is devalued and stored for future use in hoovering or for vengeance purposes (which may never come).

Is the schizoide state (self supply /auto erotism/etc) as you describe at 43:55 the same as with a psychopath aka basically not needing anybody?

@samvaknin

5 ай бұрын

No. It is the most important aspect of the schizoid, but not of the psychopath.

@karlippo

5 ай бұрын

@@samvaknin thank you

Personal Agency is a threat to so many people. You want to merge and have the same strength, yet it’s scary as hell Edit: I’ve got plenty so I’m scary don’t come close ☝🏼

@megankate4722

3 жыл бұрын

Come on :') you basically edited in an invitation.

@hashtagspandas4070

3 жыл бұрын

@@megankate4722 the power of distance

@megankate4722

3 жыл бұрын

I've found, even if you're as strong as a single mother on stimulus 😂it's better to just keep quiet

Can they feel mortified from the loss of a serious primary supply when they’ve lined up a basic low grade secondary supply Sam? For example if he was mortified but using a supply as a place to stay and the family have left against his wishes persecuting him.

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

Mortification must involve shame and humiliation, the vitiation of grandiosity.