Thanks!

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Any time!

My partner is almost a year sober and I feel so grateful for that. But as I am now reconnecting with his family, the lies he perpetrated throughout the years about me to his family are starting to pop up and I'm struggling with so much anger and hurt. My punishment for falling in love with an alcoholic has been severe PTSD, years of lost income, and serious debt, and now on top of all that I am seeing firsthand how my name has been dragged through the mud and my character has been completely assassinated.

@emilyc9380

Жыл бұрын

Same! But he’s not sober.

@nicolettemoore7711

Жыл бұрын

This is what pisses me off. The triangulation they do I told his family they are just as bad knowing the personality of the addict and knowing they lie and yet they choose to believe their bullshit it aggravates me to no end.

@nicolettemoore7711

Жыл бұрын

They need to not only go through program and therapy but they need to rebuild and be honest about your reputation and dignify you to everyone around them and to you openly and honestly before they even can start to rebuild their reputation and trust in any of those relationships this the part I absolutely hate about addiction counseling and such- they omit this accountability part and the family of victims in their addiction wake.

@nicolettemoore7711

Жыл бұрын

No no humiliatile them correct them! Do not allow them to get away with minimizing lying to themselves and everyone else and you! Call them out! This mo accountability no correction crap in therapy harms more later they can be dry drunk and say " but I'm fine I'm sober" noooo

@jacquelinehunt7794

7 ай бұрын

I showed empathy for my sister and she used to open up to me and tell me the truth but beg me not to tell our mum cause our mum gave her a hard time and nagged at her .

My daughter lies so she can use my car to deal drugs, transport it and her friends who don't have a car, buy drugs and hang out with other drug addict friends. She lies so she won't have to work and earn her own money. So she won't have to be responsible for anything, to live in the victim mentality, to have an easy life with free rent and cash, never take responsibility or have consequences. I was the enabler, no more. Thanks Amber!

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

I like the conviction in your words!

@jerryknuckles736

2 жыл бұрын

Can you tell me how you did that without dealing with the direct death/homelessness? That's what everyone says! Im tired of hearing that I have to treat her like shes already dead. You can't say it's that simple.

@emmajane646

Жыл бұрын

@@jerryknuckles736 it isn't. I guess what does work is a mix of getting on with your own life but supporting them when they really need it. Help them when they are overburdened and clearly suffering but not to the point where they refuse to carry the load we all have to carry. Help them with their burdens but don't carry their load. At the same time as doing this, be getting on with your own life as a healthy example to them. Don't let them dominate and rule your life. If you don't get on with your own life as a healthy functional and loving life then they will have no example to aspire to. If you make your life all about them, to be a slave to their addiction also, they will see you just as dysfunctional as they are. You can be just as genuinely supportive as you are now but without the codependency which is an addiction in its own right. If you are honest about your help of them you will find it is about 20% practically helpful to 80% handwringing and worrying. Stop worrying and start helping. Having a healthy life for yourself gets you anchored down so then they can moor to your anchor. If you are bobbing about on the choppy sea just like they are then you can be as much of a hindrance than a help, despite meaning well.

@jerryknuckles736

Жыл бұрын

@@emmajane646 wow! You're really smart. My mom is the enabler. It just goes nowhere. Now it's at the point where my sister in laws won't bring the grandkids over. Understandable since my sis can't help but leave exposed needles and heroin pills around toddlers and babies. It's a nightmare.

@maryshaffer5675

Жыл бұрын

​@@jerryknuckles736 Yup they're all gonna die if you shut access to your home, bank account and possessions. But, they do die if you give them same to buy or deal drugs alcohol. So 50/50 choice.

As an addict I would say I didn’t lie so much because I was scared of punishment but of hurting my loved one if they found out what I was doing and that I’d been lying. Point two I totally agree with, it’s definitely the shame. The third reason is harder to explain but it’s the addiction itself. It tricks you into keeping it secret so that you can’t get help and it can carry on hurting you.. like an abuser.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Love what you said about Point 3. That's dead on! 💯

They definitely don't lie to hurt us they lie to protect themselves because they have tons of Shame and remorse

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

I definitely agree with you on that! 💯

@sashaprettyeyes2052

2 жыл бұрын

Some of that is true and some just don't give a crap if they hurt is just as long as they get what they want

@aubraehersel7720

Жыл бұрын

No. He lies to control, manipulate and gaslight , to directly hurt me so he can get what he wants out of very situation

What difference does it make to find out if they are lying if you know they are ? Why should I have to doubt my own eyes and obvious observations? My son does not want treatment and lies all the time, I know he is constantly gaslighting me. I am not a psychiatrist and am not trained to deal with him , and I also have my own problems so I guess walking away is my only choice?

Those who lie to themselves are most likely to lie to others. Sounds like a Huck Finn situation from that book by Mark Twain called Huck Finn. "If you don't ask me any questions, I won't have to tell you any lies." I feel that the addict may be thinking "I really do not want to lie to my spouse but if he/she keeps asking questions my monster has to go into protective mode and deny everything. I don't want to be burdened with the task of telling fake stories but my monster is making me do it. "

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

A+++++

Oh wow, I've been saying danger danger for years! Wow, what a great analogy with the car. I've been screaming danger for 18 years. She can't hear me! She ramped up danger to a guy getting shot in the head and killed in front of her, she was then chased & shot, survived, then I rescued again, brought her home, 3 weeks later she was right back at it with her druggie friends, but now living with me. Now I'm learning to let go. Big upset, she's out. She called X abusive drug bf to save her from her mean mom (me) who wouldn't put up with her using my car to deal drugs and wanted her to get a job and learn to take care of herself *she's 33) It's hard not to save, but now I'm working on learning to be strong, loving, but I have to stay out of it and wish her well. It was ugly, ptsd for me, Yes!

The shame and embarrassment must feel so overwhelming.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

It definitely does, but people in active addiction develop loads of defense mechanisms to shield themselves from it.

AH! It's all coming together...you're right I've heard a lot of lies...even about the silliest things. Thanks for helping us to understand why they're doing this.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Tayler, I'm so glad you found this video helpful!

I'm so sick of his lies. He is currently on one of his disappearing acts. Won't answer texts or calls for the last 5 days. No idea where he us currently drowning himself. Found out he secretly went off his naltrexone and meds over 5 months ago. Happy Christmas .

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry aubrea. 💟

@Kimisaac343

29 күн бұрын

I hope things are better for YOU ❤I pray he is better too ❤

How do you maintain trust in a relationship when they lie about unimportant things? I’m constantly questioning what’s true and what isn’t.

@christinecortes6342

2 жыл бұрын

I have the same thoughts . I let my significant other get away with a lot because I was embarrassed for him. Now all those lies and stuff has grown to where it is sooo obvious that I can show proof and I still get denial . It’s soo hard to trust after that . Then the thought is , what’s next cheating ? Everything is a lye . I’ve had a million talks calmly , I get okay and now I’m at the point that I laid out all the lies and all the drunk stupid things that happened that I had to deal with . Put it all out there and say okay we are dealing with this now because I cannot deal with this anymore . Im so stressed out and falling apart that Im at the ends of my rope .

@whiskersredwood7903

Жыл бұрын

Dump these men!

I wish my ex would have just been honest many times. Even like you said we lie for them. I have on occasion as well. People ask “is she sick” or “what’s wrong with her”, and I’d say say yes she is sick, very sick. Inside I’d be praying this is the last time she’s sick like this, but no it wasn’t. Praying you’re safe wherever you are girl. 🙏🏻

Amazing helpful videos! Thanks!

Hi queen. So i spend most of my days watching your videos, and they have quite literally saved my sanity, if not my life. I am so grateful to you. How can we as viewers support you better?

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Awwww, You're making me blush 😳😁 There are lots of ways to help support this channel. You're doing one of them right now. Every time you 👍🏻 a video or leave a comment it sends a signal to Google telling them to show this video to more people 💖💖💖

@slugthesage

2 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown You are doing incredible work. You are truly a blessing in so many lives. thank you for your kindness, and your service. ❤️❤️

@michellecrawford9847

Жыл бұрын

Is this person a drug and alcohol counselor I'm really curious

Thank you for your encouragement!

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and especially for taking time to leave a comment.

Wow these are so well laid out. Definitely experienced all of these with my partner! It's so helpful to see these patterns identified. The disappearing act, magic hat, and card tricks are his favorites.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Sometimes naming something helps us to identify and understand it better 😃

This has been really informative. My partner lost her father and has been drinking to what I believe is her detriment. It doesn't help. Seems to only exacerbate those emotions and bring them to the forefront. And with that, the lying is out of control. I admit I may have been approaching this all wrong with an ultimatum based solution, which I don't want to do. Thank you for helping me see past my own foibles and further my understanding for what perhaps needs a different approach. Thank you for this video. 🙏

Honestly I have been pushed to far to care anymore about her welfare. I have been guilt tripped so much and lied to so much, honestly I just want to be sure I am doing right by my son. He's 7. He is pretty aware of what's going on. She only gets day visits every other weekend. She's had a DUI a car wreck been to rehab 6 times. I just want him safe and happy.

I believe that anyone who has never told a lie in their life is not a liar.

I personally Agree with you on most! Its very accurately worded wise wisdom(from you) to approach to those loved ones standing in the peripherals of addiction. Its very dynamic for each and I agree about all those involved get help also to help and support that addicted member of the family and Themselves especially understanding the psychological mentality of addicts...and yes...there are conditions to that. My question has always been to ask if the person/addict thinks "Is this fixable"? Then from there we start. I do this knowing I dont know the behind the scene personalities, up bringing, all the other things that overwhelm the addicts. This doesnt mean pay their mortgage, tuition, courts fees, child support to help in what people consider easing the bigger picture. There is no clarity of the sober future without thinking they can be fixed or their situation can be fixed. LOL...Theres so much to this all but I think this was rock solid advice from you!! And def blend in this somehow with ur last vid...maybe a 2 parter. I know those dont sit well for views in YT but those that do stay and watch are the ones the message u are saying is for. TBH..out of all the years and YT Self help on addiction this is by far the more complete and accurate conversation about addicts - all be it more complex for the layman addict or for the family and friends of the addict. Keep on going with your bad self cause what you are doing is the best I have personally seen on such a complex topic.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Wow, thanks for taking a look at the video and for leaving such a detailed comment. You're right, it's such a complex topic. Every person is different so it's hard to distill down to some concrete rules/guidelines. I've been working on a series about recovery pathways based on the persons personality and strengths. Love your point about , whether or not the addicted person believes it could get better. That could be a video all by itself! I've often said that dealing with people in denial isn't the hardest thing....dealing with people who think its so bad that it can't be fixed is way more difficult.

This is real helpful wow bless you mam

Breaks my heart. My wife and I separated 4 years ago. She was clearly using meth. After failing to drug test multiple times and doing anything that was ordered by the court, I ended up winning full custody of our two kids. I no longer let her see our kids and despite not having anything more to lose, she adamantly denies using or ever using.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry Andre. That's heartbreaking for all of you 💔

This is such a great video, thank you for making it. Im just left wondering what youre meant to do when youre struggling with your own stuff and youre mentally exhausted from all of the lying from the loved one. Obviously you want the best for the person, but where is the fine line between being a support person and not letting yourself drown as well kind of thing. Is there a point where sometimes you have to walk away?

Thanks!

🤓To learn more about how and why people struggling with addiction manipulate their loved ones, watch this next:👉 kzread.info/head/PLaaJWwIpP_zZduHyvDBhsWlsrbm07HssA

I’ve been watching your videos for hours. For 6 years I have been battling this with my husband. The lying and sneaking is one of the hardest parts for me to understand. You nailed my situation on several points. He is very successful with his career. The past 2 months sneaking when the kids & I are asleep. It has felt so confusing & frustrating because he’s a binge drinker. It only happens occasionally. But it escalates so bad, I all of a sudden realize he’s drunk, he fights with me calls me every name in the book, I’m paranoid, I’m crazy, I’m fat. Just throws everything at me to gaslight me. It escalates so bad that I have to take my kids and run away with them and hide at a hotel. I’m defeated with anxiety & depression. 💔 I need a counseling session with you

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Hi Megan, So sorry you're going through this. It sounds terrible. We do virtual coaching if you think that would help. Here's a link to learn more: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations

How much is them or obviously the loved one being out of their comfort zone help? It takes a lot. You're right it's step by step

Thank you ❤️🌹

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

You are so welcome

That's how l feel this morning. Like pulling my hair out.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

I can definitely relate to that feeling, Karla!

I’m there with spouse: lies constantly, years of deception, verbal abuse when drunk…I just found out he’s drinking rubbing alcohol since hasn’t been able to buy drinks. Now denies that angrily.

These videos are wonderful.My elderly parents have twin junkie grandsons living in their garage and my parents are in denial and won't do a thing about it.I wonder if you could do a video discussing a situation like that.I feel like I'm not getting through .the cops have already been here and told my mom that next time they're gonna take the house.Its a nightmare'

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Hi Dmarco, It's not uncommon for parents (even grandparents) to be in denial about their child's addiction. Here's a link to a video about Family Denial. kzread.info/dash/bejne/e4Fq0K6TYJi1hZOs.htmlope that helps a little! Thanks for watching and taking the time to leave a comment😀

Great video😊When you get to that point.. you know their lying but is it worth the argument? My thought now is I know the truth its up to me if I wanna continue this pattern of denial? Work on yourself in the meantime. 🙌🏻💪🏻👑

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Well said!

My husband is completely in self-denial. He keep telling people, in my company, that he has cut back on his drinking an d no longer drinks at home. Maybe in a parallel universe. I don't know how to deal with that without a fight.

I know someone close who is made out of lie #3. Just, won't accept it. And that's okay until family safety is a real consideration.

They’re the champions of lies

Why do they lie and fight for their finances but can share very easy what they earn around those hang out with but won’t pay Responsibilities in the home why are they such manipulating narcissist greedy They don’t care they’re destroying the finances in the Home never getting ahead

My recent spouse was cheating for months I figured it out called him out on it , he admitted it and asked for forgiveness then a few weeks later wanted to get back together , then while sober confessed his love to me but said he never cheated and only told me he did to tell me what I wanted to hear. He said he never cheated but I know he did cuz the proof was there . I had forgiven him already but he recused to lie about it anyways . I left him knowing he loves me but I can’t trust him now . I wonder if he will Find Recovery now that he’s been blocked from my telephone and life maybe it was enough to make him realize that he is full of shit? What are your thoughts on why somebody would admit to it and then turn around and say never really happened?

Amber did you already make a video about the first 30-90 days sober out of treatment? My loved one is so vague about what his plans & desires are after treatment for sober living or work/career. There’s lots of good material in this video. I feel like I have stayed receptive, open and practically backed myself out of the room. I tend to be over accommodating and no questions asked as it is. I want to speak up for myself but I also want to give my loved one the freedom to make decisions unhindered. I hear second hand about plans that might affect me and our relationship and I don’t want to probe or react. Any thoughts?

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Nina, I do have a 30 day jump start video series. It's a short video that comes to your inbox each day designed to keep you motivated and overcoming roadblocks. Here's a link where they can sign up for free if they'd like. www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/30-day-jump-start

I let my ex friend go , he won’t get clean and go to rehab.

@jc2333

3 жыл бұрын

I don’t like the guys alcoholic ways , satan worship , he doesn’t respect women . It was just time to let him go.

Can you please tell me why my ex keeps telling me he’s not hanging out or has anything with the girl he uses with and cheated on me with.... he consistently lies and tells me he doesn’t talk to or sees her but I always catch him .... he cheated with her after 8 years with me dealing with his addiction and he’s still wants to tell me he’s not with her and he is.... why is he doing that?

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Sandra Diaz since your referring to him as your “ex” I’m guessing you’re no longer together which Is why it’s hard to understand why he won’t just admit it. I don’t blame you, that would be frustrating (probably even infuriating! 😡😠🤬). My guess is .... it’s because he just can’t deal with the guilt and shame.

@delilasloan8914

2 жыл бұрын

My guess would be so that when she dumps him you will be more likely to take him back and he won't have to deal with your feelings and the consequences of how that will make you feel incase you get back together. My husband left me and my kids over and over when they were little. It was always when he found a younger girlfriend who would do meth with him. He would meet someone at a dope house and then just not come home. I remember several Christmases and thanksgivings my kids would sit by the window waiting for their dad and he wouldn't come home for a few months..one girl he left us for was 18 and had a history of old men for dope. She met my husband and they decided they were in love within a day...this girl even called me and told me they were sorry but they couldn't help falling in love...I just hung up the phone. When my husband ran out of dope and they fell out of love (lol) he came home and I let him. He swore he was not talking to her anymore and even gave me his phone to prove he wasn't taking her calls Two years later I had just given birth to my youngest daughter and he left one day with the tax check and didn't come back for four months. I saw pictures of them popping up on my Facebook page constantly and all my friends and family told me he was back with this girl and she was also married and her husband was in jail. When her husband got out of jail and he came back to our house he said that he was not seeing her at all. He said that those pictures were just put on his Facebook page to make me mad. He had a lot of reasons not to just tell the truth. I figured it was two things...he didn't want to deal with my feelings and if he kept denying the truth then he felt I had no basis for said feelings...and also because he lies about everything no matter what it is.

My mom got evicted in January and didn't tell me until a week after. On the way to her apartment after convincing the owner to let us back in, I asked if she is drinking and she was adamant that she quit drinking in Oct. So I said "I don't care if you were drinking, I'm not judging you for it, it's really the lies that hurt me." And she went on to say there was zero alcohol in her home and she's been sober. Well we arrive at the aprt 30 minutes later to a open half drank beer on the table and some in the trash. She hadn't cleaned or packed her apartment even with all the warnings of eviction, leaving all my baby pictures and her important paperwork behind. She doesnt see what alcohol has done to her and now she's homeless and attempted suicide. I truly don't know how to help her because she's refusing any type of assistance. She keeps making the worst possible choices and I truly think she has underlying mental issues from childhood. I just wish I could help because she hates doctors, authority and accountability.

Your dog though ❤❤

My wife suddenly filed for divorce. Her and her family have shut me out. Some people have called me and I think she may have an alcohol problem. What do I do?

One liar hated this video

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

What was it that you hated about the video?

@HelotesHellRaiser

4 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown I didn't hate the video One liar gave it a thumbs down

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Oh, I see what your saying now. 😂

@bri.decode

2 жыл бұрын

HAHAHHAHAHAH

@bri.decode

2 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown lmao 🤣

What would you recommend for a father dealing with an addicted mother who won't do court ordered drug test? She has a history of addiction(many different substances)and has agreed to testing only to dodge it last minute. She has confessed to Cocaine, Percocet,Ecstasy, marijuana and alcohol but still will not test :( Her littles could be back into 50/50 custody if she tested but she just won't do it.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

LilithSubmerged it sounds to me like this mom likely needs treatment. Sounds like people are wanting her to get sober (for lots of good reasons) but she just can’t put the breaks on it. Are the court ordered test for legal reasons or are they ordered by the department of child protective services?

@indie0gal

4 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown I'm not sure. He was granted an ex parte order and in his order he requested drug testing for unsupervised visits. Everything in his order was granted.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

LilithSubmerged sounds like he may need to call his lawyer to enforce the court order.

I just celebrated 3 years, my fiance had but is now smoking weed and lying about it. I thought I'd be more understanding , but it's so frustrating

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Being in recovery makes it harder to ignore the truth

Maybe 1 day

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Dave Esco hi Dave, thanks for watching my video and double thanks for taking the time to leave a comment!

I disagree. He lies to manipulate everyone around him to get what he wants . If his lies don't work he gets abusive. If abuse doesn't work he disappears

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

The pattern you identified is pretty common (unfortunately). You shouldn't tolerate abuse!

It is difficult. My partner will stay out at a pub all night and come back. I'll ask him why he likes to stay out all night? His reply : I'm not cheating, I could've had multiple woman blah blah, he finds it nessescary to bring up woman all the time and says they're beautiful I'm not. Just trys to be little me sober all the time as soon as he's drunk it's the opposite behaviour? I don't want to leave cause I know he's capable of changing. But I also feel like I need to leave him in his little drunken bubble he likes to be. For some reason, he likes to use my past against me too. It's irritating, it's annoying when all it takes is "damn I fucked up, sorry my love" but instead it's like BIG SCENE till I upset you, then I'll goto sleep and leave you alone upset till the morning and pretend nothing, he shadows me alot aswell and says it's cause of me being negative n thinking he's cheating but for me it's about time with me and my 2 kids, not just me alone :) it's happened so many times I don't even know what is what or where is who LMFAO it's WEIRD! Haha

I just want to say that not all addicts are liars.

Sounds like your Tanked

With all due respect, I’m no specialist but I do think they need to see the consequences and all the hurt they impose on others. They feel humiliated but they can’t see the humiliation they impose on others. Your videos are great but you advise like they are children, these are all adults, some over 50.