Absolutely the best KZread channel ever! You are a Godsend!❤

@tablescissors67

Ай бұрын

I love directing people to her KZread Channel (as much as I loathe KZread itself now).

@goldalevin869

Ай бұрын

I like French Chic Ladies for fashion too. :)

When people show you who they are.... BELIEVE THEM

@MsHellcat08

Ай бұрын

Louder for the people in the back! 👏

@PrincessOfSpace42

Ай бұрын

So right! Even if others cant see what you see. Had to leave a whole group because they all thought I was overreacting for just pointing out things (nicely). He even called me names and nobody thought it was wrong! I am so glad to have left but the shame still lingers on and many "what ifs"..

@leilasilva6192

Ай бұрын

So true! I am glad I have more and more boundaries in this.

@TranscendingTrauma

Ай бұрын

It is so true! And when we grow up in this dysfunction, we learn how to not believe it. As itty-bitty dependents we conditioned ourselves to ignore abuse to create internal safety. And then it becomes a habit in life. I have to work really hard with myself when I’m around abusive people to not fall for the charm and minimize the abuse.

@jamesmcinnis208

Ай бұрын

Including mixed messages.

Emotional avoidance, silent treatment, stonewalling... This is ABUSE. Neglect is ABUSE. And it's all very convenient for the person doing it because you getting angry about the mistreatment makes YOU look like the abusive one. Absolutely not. FULL STOP.

@maryb6529

Ай бұрын

Yeah. I have the You are Not Really Like That Syndrome 😆

@kjbkjhkjhjk7775

Ай бұрын

thank you! yes, they are "traumatised" by us leaving them, when we were actually escaping from their abuse.

@Maria7Maria

Ай бұрын

I experienced this exact situation from someone I thought was a close friend. Not only did she stonewall and gaslight me when I made some new friends (who I even introduced her too!) she tried to manipulate other people against me. At first I was angry and it definitely showed. Then, I was so sad and kept trying to win her back. After a while I realised this was futile and my reactions were making ME look like the the crazy one, so I just left the whole group. Lonely for a while, but life is so much more peaceful without her and her flying monkeys ✌️

@Aluviel

Ай бұрын

@@Maria7Maria I had an older sister who would gas light me as if I "Owed" her the right to be in every circle of friends I had. Then I found out she was threatening them on facebook that if they didnt kick me off their list that she would kick them! I finally made the hard decision to stop any further contact with her. I took her verbal lashing out on me for 11 years. when I found out she was trying to turn people against me that was the last straw. she's been married 6 times and cant get along with anyone. She thinks everyone else is the issue...

Ethan was clearly using this person as an ottoman. Pulled out to rest their legs on in times of convenience, put away in the closet to make room when other people show up for the party. Something I've learned from my personal trauma is what I call "the scarcity complex." A homeless person is much more likely to eat a half-eaten burger from the trash to survive than someone with a job and place to stay. And why? Because their resources are scarce. To a certain degree, it has some logic, hence the saying, "Beggars can't be choosers." The same applies to the "emotionally homeless." When you don't have a solid foundation about who you are and what is acceptable in life -- the equivalent of strong, reliable and stable emotional housing -- you'll settle and compromise for garbage and table scraps. Why? Because just like the homeless person has little reason to believe they can acquire something better, so, too, does the emotionally homeless person. How does one overcome that? Well, in my experience, I feel the Fairy hit it right on the head. Sometimes you have to be an asshole to show certain people that you are not one to be trifled with. I'm not talking about going out and picking fights or being an asshole as a matter of course towards everybody. But you either have to completely cut the people loose who are treating you like garbage or directly confront them, which carries the chance of mockery and shame. You have to find strength from within yourself to go at it alone and build the person you want to be. As George Washington said, "It is better to be alone than in bad company." Friendship shares the same irony as money. The people who seemingly need it most have the hardest time getting it, and the people who have it in great abundance generally don't see it as an urgency. Like money, friendship requires work, failure, planning, assessment, and careful judgment. And it usually isn't made overnight. It starts off small, and works its way to greater numbers provided the person doesn't use it foolishly. I'd take the Fairy's advice on knowing good friendship skills. Just like knowing important job skills, friendships tend to be better quality if you know which traits are the most valuable. I've been fortunate enough to have a true friend, and these are the traits I've seen from that friendship to focus on: 1. They are honest with you. 2. They listen to you when you are down and out, not just when it benefits them. 3. They respect your boundaries, and don't use pressure or shame to get you to do things you don't like. 4. They correct you in private and praise you in public, instead of the other way around. 5. They share the random things that make them happy. 6. They keep your embarrassments private, and help you save face if you've made a mistake. 7. They engage with you even if there's little to no personal gain for them. 8. They invite you to "share in the spoils" with them, meaning they don't just invite you places, but they bring you in to laugh and indulge in the main pleasures of the activity without condition. These are a number of things I've learned. Hope this provides some insight. I'm glad KZread has people like The Fairy to help us discuss important issues like these. Thanks for sharing.

@8309barbie

Ай бұрын

🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

@nfullenwider

Ай бұрын

Thank you for the term "emotional ottoman."

@sharonschmeling6873

Ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing. Wonderful advices, I need to read that over and over to remind myself what type of friends are safe.

@hillbillyherb

Ай бұрын

Wow well said. And fwiw "Beggars can't be choosers" was an extremely common phrase from my NAM growing up (narcissistic assigned mother)...

@Leila550

Ай бұрын

Exact same thing happened to me with a pandemic “friend”

Growing up with an abusive dad and then into a marriage with an abusive wife, it took quite a while to learn I don't have to stay in the abuse. It's better to be alone then in bad relationships. Also now I have room to be with loving, giving friends. 😊

@tomtbi

Ай бұрын

Why I build model cars as a hobby... At least they don't talk back.. lol😅!!

@Conscious58

Ай бұрын

100% - "it takes a while to learn that you don't have to stay in the abuse" bc a child of neglect/trauma is groomed for this reprehensible/toxic abuse. We learn much later in life that these caregivers weren't benevolent ppl that had their children's best interest at heart.

@tarahj478

Ай бұрын

This. 100%.

@nancybartley4610

Ай бұрын

If you are raised in an unhealthy environment, it is your status quo. You assume it is normal to be treated with indifference, or whatever way you were treated. It can take a long, long time to realize the people around you are not nice people. I have found that many institutions are toxic as well. If you go from a toxic home into a toxic work environment, how will you know there are healthier environments? This is not addressed by therapists, etc. We can leave bad families, but leaving bad work places isn't as easy. Too many are toxic these days. We need to learn how to manage these environments.

@Conscious58

Ай бұрын

@@nancybartley4610 So well said. This stuff sb taught in schools.

Absolutely in agreement that yelling at someone after they have repeatedly treated you like dirt is OKAY!

There are _TWO_ types of boundary violations: crossing a boundary towards us, and crossing a boundary away. Crumbs of attention. Devaluation. The hardest thing about losing a relationship with someone like that is forgiving ourselves for allowing ourselves to be treated that way in the first place.

@clarkrobertson7982

Ай бұрын

Yes!

@alicebenner6263

Ай бұрын

OMG yes.

It wasn’t until I was in my 50’s that I started saying “wait a minute, I don’t deserve this type of treatment-especially at work”. I didn’t know then, but I know now that that’s when I started healing. What another fantastic video, Anna.

@Irishgrrrl13

Ай бұрын

Same here.

@yehmen29

Ай бұрын

Same here. What helps me is to ask myself: what would I think if they were treating someone else like this?

When people do bad things to you, there is only one option is that leaving. It's not your fault, it never was. Don't look for evidence that you might be deserved this behavior, don't excuse their bad mood. Just leave and heal.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

🙌🏼❤️

This person put her on a shelf and then needed her because he didn't have anyone to celebrate his birthday with. Then when he got drunk he didn't mind showing his contempt for her. Toxic/narcissistic people hate everybody. Don't take it personally. Don't take the abuse.

@tablescissors67

Ай бұрын

I agree, when a crappy “friend” (hidden enemy) reaches out, they invariably have ulterior motives - always question it, life experience has taught me that.

@PrecociousFriand

Ай бұрын

An obvious explanation fro the behaviour now you've figured it out!

@kjbkjhkjhjk7775

Ай бұрын

@@tablescissors67 many people in the world are good people. But those with personality disorders, there is no possibility for a healthy relationship

This is the story of my life. I have a pattern of having friends who confirm every insecurity that began in my childhood. They are usually intelligent, educated people whose approval is very important to me. Over time, the insults came regarding my inferior intelligence or grammar or my blue collar labor job. More than once I left their company or ended a phone call in tears and shame. Ashamed of being dumb or using incorrect grammar or mispronouncing a word. With some distance I am able to see that mispronunciation is minor in comparison to humiliating someone. In some ways, though painful, the pandemic was good for me as it limited my time with others. I was able to examine the painful words that were said to me and make the decision to walk away from toxic relationships. This episode was very meaningful to me. Thank you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Ай бұрын

Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience with us. Glad you enjoyed the video! Nika@TeamFairy

@johnpatterson6448

Ай бұрын

I am intelligent. My grammar is good. I have a wide vocabulary and usually pronounce words correctly. If I ever treated a friend the way you have been treated, I would be disgusted with myself. They have to be pretty insecure to believe that these little things that they get right - and you occasionally get wrong - are important or mean anything in the broader scheme of things. Sounds like you are probably great at the important stuff, like empathy, compassion and being sensitive to others. We are all different. At best we complement each other. That’s it. If anyone acts as if superior, they just haven’t been properly tested yet.

@Lexi_Con

Ай бұрын

I second @johnpatterson6448 's comment. I have a high IQ but that doesn't always equal success, however you define it. I am told that I'm beautiful & younger than I look, but that doesn't mean much compared to a compliment about my character, which is rare. (Growing up, I was teased for being too skinny, making good grades, glasses, you name it!) To tell you the truth, people are just jerks. Please try not to take it personally bc their judgement or cruelty stems from a place of ignorance & insecurity. Sheltered people who have never been outside of their community can be close-minded, too. Confident people accept others & welcome differences, if they notice at all. No one is perfect. In fact, I think those who have challenges or who have suffered in one way or another have the biggest hearts. More resilience, empathy & compassion, loyalty, and the capacity for grace. ❤

@kjbkjhkjhjk7775

Ай бұрын

toxic relationships usually entail someone whose value system is completely skewed. To prioritise grammar over good treatment of others, is someone out of integrity and disconnected with their heart and humanity.

@MKDK-md6pu

25 күн бұрын

@@johnpatterson6448 Thank you for your comment. It was very kind. Healing takes a while.

“I don’t think ASKING about the behavior is being assertive, DOING something about it is.” Thank you 🙏

@jamesmcinnis208

Ай бұрын

I get it. Asking felt like confrontation.

@tablescissors67

Ай бұрын

It was great to hear her say that, I agree!!

@tablescissors67

Ай бұрын

And since the writer of that letter was not used to confrontation, it’s totally forgivable that she MAY have gone overboard (I’m not convinced she did either).

Just flip the narrative. Put him in your shoes & you in his. Would you treat him the way he’s treating you? If not, then ask yourself why. This helped me get past my friend’s betrayal. She wasn’t my friend, but I was hers. 😢

@BBLLAAKKEEE

Ай бұрын

This mindset has helped me out of so many thought loops. At the end of the day, we deserve what we give out, and it’s that simple.

@whimsicalwishes1

Ай бұрын

Even thinking about treating her the way she treated me brought me to tears because it was so cruel. and yet, I kept making excuses for her

@leynan-ev6rz

Ай бұрын

That's a truly wonderful piece of advice. Thank you!❤

@triplejmom7826

Ай бұрын

@@whimsicalwishes1 I’ve done that too 😢

@triplejmom7826

Ай бұрын

@@leynan-ev6rz you’re welcome ☺️

This is true. When I dumped these type of people, my life improved 100%. Kept it that way.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Ай бұрын

Good for you! Thanks for sharing! Nika@TeamFairy

@peaceforyou-ag

Ай бұрын

Same here.

Finally did an assessment of my list of “friends”. Ditched almost ALL of them. Never felt better.

My self-centered, survival-minded mother wounded me this way. My earliest example is tolerating a friend that I had from kindergarten. She was very manipulative even at that young age, but I had no idea how to deal with her because I never had the right to refuse or say no in my home. I stayed her friend up until our teen years, all the while it was clear to everyone else, including my mother, that she actually hated me. My mother told me that “she isn’t your friend”, but never followed up with what I, a child, was supposed to do about it. This fake friendship led to her betraying me in a terrible way as a teenager and I was SA’d because of her. And yet I still blamed myself. Years later, I realized many of the men in my life were users and only “loved” me because I crapfit into their lives. At a certain age in adulthood, I realized I’m not obligated to remain friends with anyone and it caused me to go into a shell. I don’t let anyone too close.

@user-lj4xs4gn8u

Ай бұрын

God bless you dear one.

@1mimarin

Ай бұрын

Same here, never allowed to develop my own boundaries

@austincde

Ай бұрын

Yeah my mom said that same thing about my friend, that she was manipulative. But to me why should I care about "mother knows best" when shes ALSO super manipulative and callous towards me ? Just seems like all my friends were "Mom friends", but not the good kind.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

Both my parents were like this in different ways. They had trauma PTSD but ended up controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive because they refused to respect others boundaries. My Dad was notoriously late to everything. My Mom was a clutter /hoarder in a large sq footage home apparently to keep people away.

@Lexi_Con

Ай бұрын

Had a friend exactly like that since the age of 7, although I don't think she disliked me. She just had a deep seated insecurity - her mother messed her up. I put up with behavior I didn't realize was manipulative til much later in life. Still feel the embarrassment from several social situations & the guilt of not knowing better (she made me look bad bc she was jealous). "Crap fit" is the perfect way to describe these fairweather friends. They use you for selfish reasons, and putting you down (or into compromising, embarrassing, or risky situations) is their dysfunctional way of building themselves up. I'm too kind but won't accept 💩 anymore. Celebrate boundaries & going no contact!

Being emotionally neglected and often verbally abused as a child by my narcissistic parents set me up for wrong life with wrong people.... people who i should have never kept in my life but i did only because i they felt familiar to my parents for whom i was not enough... so different from my loud and aggressive siblings.I was quiet , soft and scared of their irrational aggressive behavior and that was not valued by my parents. Their indifference was so painful that i decided to move to another country and lived there for 20 years and if i did not call them...they would not call me at all to find out how i was.I am in my 50s now and i am back in my home country....stranger than ever to my family.

@Stefan77777

Ай бұрын

I too am an estranged child by choice. I am impressed with the strength you have shown by spreading your wings and realizing you do not deserve to be treated with anything but respect and love. Kudos!

@jwhite5396

Ай бұрын

In case you need to hear this. Your parents not contacting you, as painful as it may be, isn’t a reflection of you, but of their immature parenting skills. You couldn’t do anything differently to make them better parents. That would be like asking an elementary student to make their first grade teacher a better more caring person. It’s impossible. “Emotionally Immature Parents”, by Lindsay Gibson is a great read. Glad you got out of a toxic situation.

Friendship is a BEHAVIOR. Respect is a BEHAVIOR. If folks are not behaving with friendship, or respect, they do not feel it towards you. Whatever reasons Ethan had, you are safe. Hugs!!

@tablescissors67

Ай бұрын

Where there is no trust there is no true relationship either, if you cannot trust a person to right by you….then you have your answer.

Narcissism definitely but this is what they do. He's testing how much she will take because if she takes his crap then she's perfect for narcissist supply and if she's had enough trauma growing up she'll stay. That means he can take take take for a long time until she's shattered. Then she'll leave because it will absolutely come down to self preservation. It's a horrible way to live with an abusive person whatever the reason they do very hurtful things.

The friends I have made throughout my life and the relationships we nurture have always been very healing. It's through friends that I begun to realize I wasn't an awful and despicable and annoying embarrassment of a person, a belief my toxic family had planted in me. When I left home to study abroad, these new people I met enjoyed talking to me, hanging out together, inviting me over to their families, supporting me... We're friends to this day. If you have friends who make you feel uneasy, create confusion, ghost you and weaponize words and events against you like the letter writer's, well they're not your friends. The rules are the same for everybody in your life, there has to be love, compassion and respect, and it's a two way street.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

💯 % They may be “trying” Aka doing the best they can but they have baggage. Like very old quirky friends. But most of the scenarios written about here are manipulative energy sucks.

We no longer get ourselves “high” on others’ problems or conjure up issues to work on. Instead we choose life. Emotionally sober.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

@eli These people escalate no matter what you do. So don’t blame yourself. If you emotionally confronted them as the writer of the letter to Crappy Relationship Fairy in the video.. then you could still question yourself. Personally I take this type of situation as an opportunity to strengthen myself, my relationship-muscles, and my boundaries. If I can be better, I will. If I can learn, I will. If I can grow I will. But it is emotional labor dealing with abusive entitled non-reciprocal relationships. I hate to see you asking yourself questions, doubting yourself over someone else rudeness and disrespect. But that’s these type of abusers bag: dumping and abusing and if you say something you are wrong, if you don’t say something you are wrong, etc. it is one sided and while you may be able to flip it around as a development tool, as I often muster the strength to do (and sometimes I don’t) good for you ❤️🙌🏼 And if you minimize the person in your life who causes you abuse and doubt- good for you ❤️ Best wishes.

@kjbkjhkjhjk7775

Ай бұрын

yes!! sober

When we have our emotional meltdowns, if there are others to witness it we need to remember that they have no idea what was lying underneath for the emotions to boil over like that. It’s so important to have compassion for yourself, and to learn how to process things so it doesn’t get to that point in the future, but that self compassion is paramount. Good on you for apologizing to the bar, but make sure you apologize to yourself also. You do deserve to be heard and treated fairly, and we all become defensive from time to time. I love what Anna said at the end, “let him be mad”. Someone worth your time will sort it out with you. 🖤

@calmdowngurl

Ай бұрын

💕

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

@UbiquitousLeees 🙌🏼❤️⭐️💕

I've been through something similar. In my case, I think my "friend" thought they were better than me and looked down on me; and therefore, could treat me any kind of way. I was also in a down place when we first starting hanging out. Perhaps I was her project. I was dealing with a lot of grief and just major changes in general; whereas, her life was fairly stable at the time. Fast forward 4 or 5 years, I have stability again, my own place, and am doing well. She wasn't even happy for me, wouldn't even stop by my place, even though it's about a 10-min drive. I've dealt with her hanging up on me out of the blue during conversations, disappearing, and laughing at my ikea furniture (I'd sent her pics when it arrived). It took me a while to realize she only wanted to be friends when she thought she was better off than me.

@philippagrimoire5968

Ай бұрын

Some people are like that. They use us to mail themselves feel better and boost their own ego at our expense! It’s really ugly disgusting behaviour and you deserve much better than that and so did I

@mysticpizza02

Ай бұрын

I used to have a friend like this, I believe now that they treat you this way because their self esteem is even lower than ours.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

Exactly! You explained that so well right there. Exactly.

@pamletellier4970

Ай бұрын

Had the same thing happen to me….

@PrecociousFriand

Ай бұрын

I had a friend for decades and it was fine when she was the successful one. Eventually when I started to get some success, at a time her life wasn't going so smoothly, she started being passive-aggressive, dismissive and derogatory. She was far from happy for me. It took me a while to realise what was going on because I am not jealous of my friends and am pleased for their success. She was JEALOUS. Jealousy is not envy; it's defined not by something they don't have that they desire' but by someone's fear that something will be taken away from them. A completely different person emerged now I was not the sidekick. It was a real eye opener. And something WAS taken away, my friendship. She only has herself to blame for that.

Ethan seems to be an expert in intermittent reinforcement whether he knows it or not. RUN!!!!!

@Analysis_Paralysis

Ай бұрын

True! The devaluation is classic narcissistic behavior.

@tablescissors67

Ай бұрын

@@Analysis_Paralysis I once watched a girl with untreated BPD be mistreated for a YEAR by a guy (after lots of breadcrumbing) and the second he said ONE flirtatious thing to her (actually, sexual) that despite being married with a kid at that point - she ate it up with a spoon. He only used her as a spy and connection for gossip in our building (total Malignant Narc). He was a total creep, but he was tall & White, she was middle-aged and Black. She constantly pushed ppl’s boundaries with her mental illness and ended up begging for attention like that. She even stalked ppl half her age trying to suck friendship out of them. It made me angry that not one person could see her mental illness or encourage her to get help, instead they all enabled her.

@sml0266

Ай бұрын

Great observation and makes it truly confusing for many to detect.

I've had this happen with an ex girlfriend around 10 years ago. Until today, I'm still worried that the person I'm with will suddenly just flip on me like that: from love bombing to devaluation and abuse.

@kathleenhowe8134

Ай бұрын

Narcissists love bomb, then flip

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

To be real, it can look bad from with side. The person finally standing up for themselves can be groveling “are you mad at me?” Trying to find a polite way to broach the disconnect to then getting wound up by the Passive-Aggressive person and flipping out as in this story. It’s the insidious aspect of emotional abuse, they harm you, emotional vampires but then you look like the “bad guy” if you haven’t set and enforced boundaries.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

It sounds like you are carrying trauma from ten years ago- it is a very painful experience

"Let him hate you!" LOL, here here! Truly, there are too many people on this planet to be needy of any one person's approval

U must have read my comments…I’m over 50 and I cast aside the sweet kind people and kept the cruel ones. Every friends screwed me over or was just not good. Every Gf and wife had affairs every single one. I realized that I have only been chasing my mothers love. She never loved me and told me many times and never acted otherwise. Videos like these have helped me see and understand the path I’ve been on and why and how. Now I’m on another and it’s mine alone.

@Mouthy.krybaybee

Ай бұрын

You still deserve love and support. ❤ you can and will find somebody who loves you the way you deserve, if that is what you want.

@TomasSowellIsGreat

Ай бұрын

Wishing you all the best on your path forward!!!

@jogordon1530

Ай бұрын

Boy this is so true with my mother who wanted to put me up for adoption when I was born and then as I was growing up decided to go to work instead of staying home with me. I totally feel ya !

@nancybartley4610

Ай бұрын

I think many of us are "chasing ... mother's love." I have not seen this addressed by therapists. If I had met a therapist that had recognized I had a large, gaping mother wound and that I needed support closing it and replacing it with respect for myself, my life might have been very different. It is okay to want love but I did not need it so desperately that I would take it any way I could get it. We did not get the love from our mom's that centered us internally as okay. We needed her love so much that we tried to get it from others which is totally unrealistic and a recipe for repeating our relationship with Mom. I am very sorry this happened to you. I know what is is like. There are decent people out there. I have no idea how to meet them. In today's culture, they may be very few and far between. However, I would say that you should not cut yourself off from people entirely. Join groups and be friendly. Don't get involved with anyone one on one. Just listen and observe. See if words match actions. Stay in groups. If you feel drawn to someone, start taking notes. That might be very interesting. Maybe you will start seeing a pattern. Observe the people you don't feel drawn to. Keep notes on that too. Make an effort to get to know the ones you normally would not be interested in. If you do decide to venture out on a date, keep it very simple: coffee, a walk, a free lecture. Ask people a lot of questions, not all at once. Ask about their families. Be careful on that, however, some people don't realize they had toxic families. So many people lack introspection. I wish you all the best. Get to know you, your values and interests and set high standards for yourself. You deserve the best.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

@nancybartlett4610 Mother’s lack of love.. means the boys often chase people least capable of providing the love they missed as children, but the best at faking the appearance. Of course it is a fundamental lack that no one adult person can “give you” it must be cultivated and the man needs to want to improve, not use crutches. For women, the lack of Mother’s love is usually more specific to the manipulation the mother paired with neglect. Of course missing Father’s love is an issue as well.

I had a friend that seemed like she wanted to maintain a relationship with me (talking on the phone, hanging out, going out to eat, etc), but at some point I could tell that there were certain things about me that she just didn't like. Some of my opinions, views, and personality traits, seemed to be things that she didn't agree with. After a while she seemed to resent me, but she still wanted to continue being friends. She started making little snide remarks, and seemed to feel it was her place to criticize or chastise me if I said something she didn't like. She had a few things about her personality that I didn't like, and her opinions were definitely very opposite of mine on a few topics, but I just accepted her as she was. Not everyone has to share my perspective on certain things, however, she didn't extend that same grace to me. The final straw was when she decided to give her opinion of me in a very nasty way, regarding a rather painful breakup that I had just had with a guy that I was getting to know. She said it with furry, as if she could hardly contain her resentment of me. It has become clear to me that she wanted to keep me around, but she really didn't like me as a person. Instead of just backing away, she wanted to correct me, as if I was a child. I abruptly stopped taking anymore of her calls after defending myself in that confrontational conversation. She still wanted to continue on, but I didn't want anything else to do with her, because she was too judgemental and she lacked boundaries. She has attempted to reach out, like when my mother died, and one other time, but it's a wrap for the remainder of this incarnation for me. Sometimes, people just don't like a person, and it turns to resentment. In these cases, I don't understand why they just don't walk away or at least distance themselves from the person. That's what I would do.

@theartistcherrypi6454

Ай бұрын

I met someone just like that! It was so confusing to me because when she was in a good mood (I suspect also inebriated!) she’d call to chat on the phone and we’d have what I thought were engaging conversations. I then would text her, she’d ignore me and not respond. Then I’d invite her over but she kept canceling the same day after already confirming prior. Finally, I gave up when I realized she was not interested in a friendship, only trauma dumping on phone calls when she needed someone to talk to. Cut off all contact and never looked back.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

@Phyllisphyllis9106 That makes sense. You described the dynamics very well. One thing I see that you may overlook being so close to the situation is that she did reach out to you when your Mother died. That could be a caring gesture. The way you describe this person. I completely agree with your perspective. It’s possible your (ex) friend maybe wasn’t trying to hate on you personally (even though it is understandable that you felt that way!!) If she came from a close knit but judge mental family/community she may be kind of admiring your ability to stand against “judgement” and trying to learn from you. But it is inappropriate for her to “stone you” with judgement just to learn by example how she might be able to buck her judgemental upbringing. Does that make sense? She (he) sounds displaced in how they treat you, but actually may not dislike you. Still.. do what you need for yourself.

@phyllisphyllis9106

Ай бұрын

@@pearpo, she did reach out when my mother died, probably out of concern, and possibly an attempt to reconnect. In the past couple of decades that we've known each other, she's overstepped her boundaries twice before, and I stopped talking to her. She usually tries to initiate some contact after some time has passed, but this time was just the final straw. I don't think she was admiring my ability to stand against judgement, or her wanting to learn from it. She's a very brash person at times, and she thinks her opinion is THE correct one. She also has boundary issues, which is why she thinks it's okay to bluntly express her opinion if it contradicts what she thinks. In the end, she grew to resent who I am as a person, because I was the opposite of her in too many ways, but she still wanted to hang around. I also saw evidence of jealousy at times, too. I feel good about the decision, because I feel I gave her a fair amount of chances (more than what most people would get). She lacked respect, and as time went on it only seemed to get worse, and that was my deal breaker.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

@PhyllisPhyllis9106 Nice to hear your follow up. It sounds like you have processed that challenging relationship and chose to be a better “friend” to yourself ❤️💯🙌🏼❤️ Congratulations 🎉 and may you meet others who respect and love you.

@phyllisphyllis9106

Ай бұрын

@@pearpo, thank you, very much. I have learned from it. 😊

Healthy friendships is one of the things I'm struggling with the most as I work through my childhood trauma. I haven't gotten together with friends in about 5 years, it causes me a great deal of anxiety and panic attacks. Part of the trouble is separating which relationships are echos of childhood abuse and codependency, and which friends actually truly care for you, and don't see you as an outlet for regulation or some material gain. As I shine a light on my friendships and try to figure out which ones need to be cut outright, and which ones I need to repair, one thing keeps coming to mind. The folks that don't listen to your stories, try to tell you what you should be doing, and continually put pressure on you to show up, need to go. The friends that want to hear about your struggles, and encourage your interests and dreams, are the ones that need to stay. One caveat though, don't make your supportive friends into your own codependents. Healthy relationships have a give and take, both parties listen and share...

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

@hillbillherb sounds like you got healthy relationships down 🌸🌼 Sometimes slightly imperfect is better than none and you can practice since no one is perfect. That said, I completely understand because some people are very cruel, or damaged and unaccountable, so it can be better to just do your own thing without others projections on you. 💕

@hillbillyherb

Ай бұрын

@@pearpo Amen!

I don't know if "Ethan" is a narc, but he does sound very self-absorbed. My guess is that Ethan has pulled the same BS on other friends, and probably cycled thru many people. What I have noticed is that people like Ethan seem to have a sixth sense, almost predatory, where they seem to attract certain people like the letter writer. Healthy people would not put up with Ethan's behavior and abuse. But unhealthy people would. Ethan is a frenemy, plain and simple. He likely attracts friends initially by most likely being charming and then flips on a dime. My guess is that he treats a lot of people badly. Even if he has a personality disorder or has depression issues, that does not give him a pass. Seriously... he probably "hates" a lot of former friends. Cut him loose. I've had ex friends who could be extremely passive aggressive or just outright mean at times. As I got older and developed better self esteem I learned to let go of these individuals.

@Analysis_Paralysis

Ай бұрын

"Cycle through many people" hits the nail on the head! It's typical narc behavior...

Not only have I done this w friends, I’ve done it w family members.

@stillpril8942

Ай бұрын

Same. And relationships

@user-lj4xs4gn8u

Ай бұрын

Honest of you to confide! It helps validate that really does happen.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

They did it to me first and frequently.. left me out of weddings, deaths, memorials..

@robinhowells159

Ай бұрын

I had to cut a family member out of my life 23 years ago. It was very difficult & I don’t regret it. It’s taken a lot longer to recognize bad friends. I keep most at arms length because my time is precious. I do appreciate the one true friend I have & still grieve for the other that passed away a few years ago. One good friend is true gold.

I have left two longtime friendships for exactly this type of behavior. The anger I have is difficult to get over. Damaged people unfortunately want to transfer their degradation onto others. No contact is the best tact. I now only reach out to people who reach out to me, in a healthy way.

@YardleySlicker

Ай бұрын

I so agree! I went through similar experience with a friend of over 50 years. I kept trying to “make up” amd she has demonstrated she is finished with me. It’s broke my heart - but at least I know I tried - and now I can F- her!

I was same as this girl till last year, similar pandemic friendship which turned to limerence. I stopped responding last yr. I cut off contact once I understood that I was being played. I am so done with those games.

I dealt with this from my ex. She also had CPTSD. She was used to having to earn her mother's love .she love bombed me and fell in love with me as well and then the avoidant shutdown hit and she started hating me. She started to emotionally abuse me. Ive noticed that when unhealed people who lean avoidant have low self esteem realise that you love them, despite them not loving themselves they start to hate you. They transfer the hatred of self to you and start abusing you. Like the person in the letter, i have some codependency so that switch of wanting to apologize and rationalize with my emotional abuser also switched and i did that more times than i could count. She was in pain and used to being abandoned so she pulled out every trick in the book to hurt me so that I would abandon her. I finally left the relationship after 2 years and im on my healing journey. Good luck to the writer of the letter. Atleast they know there is a problem. The friend likely doesn’t see the behavior as abnormal and abusive . To me this sounds like a case of hurt people hurting people. The writer will be Okay, she just ought to stay Faaaaar away from him

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

I don’t think distance is the same as a clear boundary, but it can help if they lack respect for yours.

I got only one person in my life who blocked me out of the blue, I don't even remember why, but it shocked me. I can assure you, lesson learned. His games became more and more nonsensical which made me lose total interest in him. He was annoying me instead of keeping me interested. Learned later on what he was, a truly and deeply troubled person. Lesson : If someone blocks you out of the blue... let it be and if he unblocks... BLOCK. The end.

@Analysis_Paralysis

Ай бұрын

It didn't come out of the blue, though. It happened right after she showed a boundary for the very first time in their relationship.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

I feel that!

A friend is someone who treats you well. When that stops happening, I leave, I move on. "One door closes, another door opens."

Ain’t this the truth. I keep calling people who when I get off the phone I say why do you even bother.

Yeah, i always chose bad friends. Not necessarily bad people, but yes, always felt i didn't deserve the 'good' people. Stopped having friends now until i can break this pattern.

She sounds like she didn't get the chance to grow up emotionally as a true grown up. She didn't no how to properly express her feelings. I've been there before. It took me years to get rid of the little girl who lived in my head. She was a sweet child, but I had to get rid of her because she was too nice. Ppl ran over her & I paid the price for it. I was diagnosed with disassociative disorder. I thank GOD for helping me to be me. I gave GOD all of me & he's given me all of him. Thank u fairy for helping so many ppl. GOD Bless U!!!

@StewartNelson-mo3mr

Ай бұрын

Hi Bridgette

@bridgettetraveler658

Ай бұрын

@@StewartNelson-mo3mr hi Stewart! I pray u are well & all is well with u! 😊😊😊

@shesingsCanada

Ай бұрын

Yes well said! I too give God the glory. For understanding and believing how much I am loved by the God of the universe expressed through His Son Jesus rescued me.

Thank you for discussing this. I'm widowed, in a new place, making new friends, had neglectful, semi-narcissistic parents, and so - I'm starting over. One new friend I've already let go. She's not awful like this woman's "friend;" she's just really critical and negative, and I've had enough of that to know that I won't live up to her standards either. I admire her in some ways and wish her the best, but I feel such relief that this time, I'm not going to try to endure this "friendship."

@Moonbunny55

Ай бұрын

Perfect word to use. Endure. No one should have to endure a friendship ❤

@Jaxmusicgal23

Ай бұрын

I feel you on that

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

The other tactic.. idk if Crappy Childhood Fairy approves of this or not.. Arms Length, My Dear. You know it’s her projections upon you, and not actually you she is critical of.. But solid call to break it off, if it is a no go zone for you. 😂❤️❤️❤️

@robinhowells159

Ай бұрын

@@pearpoAbsolutely agree!

It's difficult to know what others are going through. Even more of a mystery is why we're attracted to certain types of people in the first place. You simply have to decide certain behaviors are not for you. There doesn't have to be any heavy decision making. Trying to figure out why someone mistreats you often prolongs your departure. There doesn't have to be closure. Simply exit the relationship as you would a burning building. You're well-being is at stake. Take time later to figure out why you allowed yourself to linger in this toxic space. Be kind to yourself and expect kindness from friends.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing your insight with us! Nika@TeamFairy

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

@RobertPina99 🙌🏼💯🎉❤️⭐️ Best Advice!!!

@em6259

Ай бұрын

I would add that one nedds to look at their part im the situation especially if this kerps happening in life. Ask yourself - were you suthentic from the get go or did you hide who you were until you got the other person hooked into the friendship? If the latter - then you were the problem and the other person reacted reasonably.

I think they may reflect their loneliness in each other, but they can’t meet each others’ needs, so he acted poorly and she chased and felt like it was her fault…..I’ve been there several times, but am healing….friends should lift us up and calm our nervous system….sometimes we use each other, not maliciously, but bc we don’t understand it’s a trauma response and we can heal by meeting our own needs & nurturing healthy, reciprocal relationships

@brambleinhabitant

Ай бұрын

Quite true.

Your sheet made me realize I have good friend skills, I just pick the wrong people. It has been getting better with the years

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

❤️ often true. Emotionally irresponsible people love to find victims who have strong relationship skills to do all the work they will dump on you. Value yourself as much as you value your friends and you will be ❤️

I experienced this exact situation. When I was in my mid-20s I had a friend that was my bestie, we did everything together and had a great time as two young women living in the city. Growing up, I was raised by a very delusional, narcissistic-bully of a mother and we lived alienated from family. My mother never had any long-lasting friendships, all were highly dysfunctional people. Needless to say, I didn't have any good examples growing up and was very co-dependent with friends, was never the cool kid and I learned to endear myself by being the underdog. This friend of mine was always slightly bossy until she started making a lot of money in a sales job. Suddenly she became a monster and very abusive. To my deep regret and shame, I allowed myself to be treated horribly: insulted, abandoned during a night out, told I was stupid, not attractive, that my body too ugly to ever sleep with. Then during a Halloween party - in a banana suit - I just exploded in rage and told her, in very explicit language, getting her in face, exactly I thought of her. We almost fought. I left with her her yelling after me and I yelled back some very choice words. Crude? yes, but it felt good. I remember flying home in my little blue Honda that night feeling freedom and a rage to never be treated like that again. I never talked to her again and some years after I ended contact with my mother. Thankfully each relationship has gotten better over the years and now I am thriving but till this day, I still feel like such a weak idiot for tolerating it.

@93rp1

Ай бұрын

This entire story is amazing, and I almost missed your comment while scrolling down. Thank you so, so much for sharing it. The mental image of a banana person stuffed in a blue Honda speeding down a highway, away from awful people and toward freedom with an extremely grave, determined look on their face is something I wanna draw. She is my hero!

@user-lj4xs4gn8u

Ай бұрын

Good for you!!!

@user-lj4xs4gn8u

Ай бұрын

I love that you found your strength while in a banana suit so much 🎉

@MKp-ij4ph

Ай бұрын

😂The mad banana! That's cool

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

@Vee_jay Great job for recognizing your threshold. I believe when I soft pedal it’s to avoid the blow out, Jerry Springer type stuff. But can be healthy if you can step to the edge of the threshold and just say “No Thanks. That’s not going to work for me.” Bravo 👏 for finding your voice.

At 63 , I am now free of toxic friends . One in particular all but physically assaulted me in the Workplace . For context she was jealous I was engaged in conversation with other colleagues. She wrenched me away aggressively . She never apologised .nor saw that her action was abusive .

@StewartNelson-mo3mr

Ай бұрын

Hi Astro

I'm finally realizing this, after most of my life is gone. I find myself repelled without guilt now, by people being crappy to me. I find a way to leave the room or just say, "I 'm not participating in this interaction." I just react this way without hesitation now if I can.

I've had this happen to me a number of times. With family (sister and dad) most frequently. It's so painful to be on the receiving end of. I see it like this; people who don't feel good about themselves, feel a lot of shame about themselves project all that out onto others (which is where narcissism comes from, apparently) and if you stick around it just keeps happening. Particularly if you are nice despite the treatment. I think that makes it worse in my experience. The nicer I was to my sister the ruder she was to the point of ridicule. Yet...if I challenged she'd immediately get upset and cry. The fragility of people like that is pretty startling. Some shout, some block, some cry; it’s never a rational conversation to glean an understanding of what's happening, just all reaction. I personally feel that once that dynamic is in place, it's pretty much impossible to shift it between 2 people. It's just lacking all respect one way. And I think that's part of it too, if someone is able to be a total ahole to you and you still want to be friends with them, they lose any respect for you although it's never talked about, just acted out. These relationships undermine healing work and reinforce codependent behaviours so I'd always steer clear and have extremely clear boundaries around this treatment.

Learning to say NO to breadcrumbs!!

He wanted her to chase him to put up with breadcrumbs to set the bar low to control her easily. Some people enjoy others pain because it reassures them that they have value. If you don't show pain it frustrates them. The loser looks like a victim and a hero in public when you react.

@Analysis_Paralysis

Ай бұрын

Sounds like my abuser... :(

I have come to believe that having a long drawn out whatever with a horrible guy like this lady did is like slipping on a wet floor and breaking a leg and then limping back and breaking the other leg , getting a wheelchair and constantly going back to check if the floor is wet or did you actually put your feet in the wrong place and cause your own leg breaks and convince yourself that the floor is innocent Afterall and you are a clumsy git who caused all the trouble. Hell you might even think about buying the premises with the lovely floor should it ever come on the Market.

@FFuckYouTube

Ай бұрын

well said

Hi Anna. This video really resonated with me. I was just like Rinette when I was young. I was powerfully conditioned as a child that ANY true expression of preference was "selfish", ANY expression of personal desire was willfulness, and any expression of strong emotion was unacceptable. My mother's parenting weapon of choice was emotional abandonment. Therefore, the only thing I knew how to do was attempt to be pleasing to everyone around me. I was an awkward child too, and found it difficult to know how to relate to other kids. I didn't acknowledge my own emotions, so I also couldn't relate to the emotions of others. The beginning of my healing journey was finding Christ in my teens. I suspect Rinette is so busy trying to be pleasing and innocuous in a desperate attempt to keep her "friend" that she simply becomes annoying. Not to blame her! I understand the desperation inside. "I MUST keep this person from abandoning me at all costs". You've covered that sort of thing in your other videos. I was married for many years to a man who cheated and lied, and I went through the endless cycle of finally getting so angry at him I would explode, and then apologizing to him for my bad behaviour, accepting his gracious "apology" so the cycle could repeat. I finally left him but it took many many years because the terror of being alone was overwhelming and the uncertainty of "Is this me?" so confusing. I have many good and healthy friends now. I've become comfortable with expressing the range of my own emotions, and actively worked to develop even deeper empathy with others. Occasionally one of my close friends will express amazement at the crap I am willing to take in a certain situation. I listen, because it alerts me that there are still pockets of my life where I am accepting the unacceptable. It has taken decades, but I am so much better, and I am continuing to grow and Rinette will too. Now, I can smell the "crazy" as it comes in the door and have developed the ability to keep unhealthy people at arms length. Any whiff of manipulation or avoidant emotional behaviour, and I'm out. As an anxiously attached trying to grow into a securely attached, I can't afford to tangle with such people.

Friendships change, they can’t always stay the same. We can’t CONTROL and freeze interactions

Why I avoid relationships...

Toxic people don't see themselves as toxic but _reasonable._ Sad fact of life.

I'm embarrassed to think of how many experiences I've had just like this. I can only say it's a slow process of raising your standards. And you'll likely go through a period of being alone. For me I've had a long period of recovery, and because I had so many people like this in my life that I've had to cull one by one, I was bouncing from one abusive and neglectful friend to another until I finally cleaned house completely. And it took me a good 18 months before my wonky dis-regulated energy cleared. Now I have to keep working on raising my vibration and I have to do it alone or I'll never really breakout of this pattern. Even a couple of weeks ago I went to this cool pub in another town I like to visit where I always meet interesting and lovely people. Well this time I met this woman who was sitting beside me at the bar. She was with two other people. She kept turning away from her friends and saying things like, 'I don't want you to feel excluded'. And then she would turn back to her friends and the vibe was totally one of exclusion. Which was fine, since I never felt like she had to include me. It was just weird that her actions were so completely out of alignment. It was almost as if she were calling attention to the fact that she was excluding me, and not visa versa. She actually asked me for my phone number and I gave it to her. Then she brought up politics (I'm interested in hearing anyone's views as long as the person doesn't get angry). So she made some very negative blanket statements about two politicians from two completely different parties and point of views. She called one person flat out crazy, so I just asked her how so? She was absolutely startled to be asked to explain why she said that. Another candidate who is currently very popular she said was horrible, so I asked why she thought that. She honestly didn't have an answer to that either. Apparently in the years that these candidates have been in the spotlight no one ever asked her to back up her position on them. I don't have an attachment to either candidate so I had no dog in the race. But when she turned her back on me after these questions, I knew our conversation was over. I left shortly after, and I was proud of myself that I stood my ground on making people defend their positions, instead of just being a door mat. And on my drive home I felt actually good, even though I had been rejected. I'm telling this story because I realized that I was being the person I want to be. I want to be around people who have real reasons why they think and feel the way they do, especially if they are gonna make sweeping negative statements. And I was just proud of myself that I put what I was looking for in a friend out there right from the beginning. I lost many friends over politics because I made factual statements that they simply didn't like. They weren't wrong or unjust, they just didn't want to hear anything that might defend someone they didn't like. Or cast someone they did like in a bad light. Well news flash, in my experience people hold the political view that they are okay with any story that's bad about someone they don't like, even if it isn't true is okay, treat the people in their lives the exact same way. As a matter of fact, politics actually clarified my view of the so-called friends I lost in a very helpful way. They were perfectly happy to treat me unjustly or harshly if it suited their purposes, so politics was actually a more objective way to look at these people. When they were mean to me, it was hard to be objective. When they do it to a politician and they don't give a fig whether what they are saying is true or not, it puts my personal experience with them in perspective.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Ай бұрын

I hear you. So much. I love that you were the person you want to be. Small actions like yours plant a seed. Doubt is introduced to the narrative. Most people will double down but some will feel curious. Good job?

@ladibyrd

Ай бұрын

:) I lost my old 'best friend' exactly the same way. Love the way you wrote this, it was my experience too - I want to have friends who If they have a strong opinion, they can back it up completely, and if not, have further discussion about it. Social worriers who repeat what the crowds say without thinking for themselves is not the values I want in a friend. I value free thought and curiosity of others views. It was painful for me personally, because it was with a friend I'd known for over 15 years.... I met them when i was pretty young. I grew into someone with thoughts of their own apparently, who calls out bs when I see it (nicely).

@cynthiajohnson9412

Ай бұрын

@@ladibyrd I hear ya.

@kathyingram3061

Ай бұрын

~Yes, very well put, and very true!~I lost many friends over politics, and i lost so much respect from them, too~None would ever check out anything, they just wanted to be a part of the hate & scorn~All of it has changed my life a lot~

This is not a friend. Full stop.

Thank you Ann for focusing more on friendships lately. Right now I'm going through a very weird time with a friend I truly love and appreciate. I feel like Rennette right now. We've developed a chasm of silence between us after just weeks ago they used to reach out to me at least 1-2 times a week. They aren't reaching out at all. They've gone on vacation abroad so I don't want to disturb them but it's really hurting me that I'm not hearing from them and not knowing where we stand. If they would just come out and say the friendship is over I would be okay with that. But just being in this limbo and not knowing if to reach out or to just leave it let it fizzle out is the right way to go. THANK YOU FOR THIS!

@coldcloakmusic6630

Ай бұрын

Did something happen before the silence started? Sometimes I have a tendency to do this, but it’s not out of malice, I just work a lot and sometimes don’t have the emotional energy to engage with people. And then sometime I do….They might just be on vacation, enjoying themselves, I wouldn’t take it personal

My sister is like this but worse. Just when I thought we were “friends” but she was going behind my back and making sure people saw me through her narrative. I constantly question to myself what did I do to tHis person, or that person by the way they treated me. At my nieces wedding who I was once close witH my evil sister approached me screaming at me because I went no contact with her. Here is the unbelievable reality NOT ONE PERSON, NOT EVEN ONE cared, not even my niece said one word. Then my mother told me to get over it. I am mostly no contact with anyone who enables my evil sister Shawna. Her behavior towards me is awful.. it took me a few years but it was the best decision of my entire life..

@hopeandcoffee97

Ай бұрын

I hear you. stay way from her, thrive on your own, they are in the wrong. ❤❤

@jogordon1530

Ай бұрын

Your sister sounds exactly like mine. Ever since my brother killed himself, my sister runs the family because she has money. Everyone sticks to her and listens to her. Mine did the exact same thing and so no one from the family talks to me or communicates with me. And my point is this - if they don’t want to, then it’s on them. They are the ones losing out on you. I’ve decided since my mother died last month, that it’s time to simply leave them behind and live my own life without all the baggage.

@aikoerin6353

Ай бұрын

@@jogordon1530 my brother killed himself too, and my sister took over and uses money to gain there loyalty. My brother at 36 was a alcoholic and we believe he got diagnosed with liver cancer and ended up drinking himself to death. It’s crazy how most people can’t stand her because she is so verbally abusive. They all walk on egg shells or she will come after you with a vengeance. The things she does behind my elderly mother is crazy! Going no contact was the best decision I have ever made. ♥️♥️♥️

@shimmime

Ай бұрын

Good for you!

This has HAPPENED to me many times. I pulled away when the "put downs" began. My cousin became distant after having a baby; I thought maybe she was stressed. So I gave her time(2-3years of space), she called me a year later. She was very critical, judgey of me and seemed to not want to be bothered with me. So I BLOCKED her, I stopped talking to her. She messaged me on FB saying she doesnt know what she did to me, but she knows she didnt do anything to l, she loves me.I told her thanks and I love her too. I blocked her on FB, after I began examining her toxic behaviour. Years ago she used to call me EVERYDAY and we talked for hours, then it stopped.

@pearpo

Ай бұрын

@PierM5 Similar situation with a cousin. She called me frequently and shared highly personal and private data with me and trusted and wanted me to help her with it. I did. And then she dropped me like an old hat.

@pierm5

Ай бұрын

OMG I can Relate so much!!!!!

I've had friends and family do that to me, act like I wasn't there, make me feel invisible, while hanging out. It was very hurtful. It's true we need to love ourselves and walk out from such relationships.

@whimsicalwishes1

Ай бұрын

it truly makes you feel crazy.

When I discovered all this within my own family I got a double whammy. I discovered the same pattern with many of my friends. I don’t fit in with them anymore.Thank goodness.

i would like to point out that even if he has a mental illness, that's still emotional abuse.

I’m currently going through this with a friend. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with the man lol… but your channel has helped me set up VERY effective boundaries. Him and I have been friends for 12 years. Both of us probably suffer from cptsd… there are a lot of symptoms but no official diagnosis. I think men who may suffer from cptsd have those hot and cold emotions the most. I think it’s rooted in shame. Me and my guy friend are a great emotional support system to one another because of what we went through in childhood but it doesn’t mean he can use me as a punching bag at his convenience. My current boundaries with him look like this 1. When I find myself getting too clingy , I create distance between him and I. 2. When he starts acting like a dismissive jerk, I create distance between him and I. I no longer ask what’s wrong. I no longer send kind messages when he’s doing his grown man pouting lol. I give space and time and let our friendship flow back into its healthy form without trying to expedite the timeline lol. Again, we’ve been friends for 12 years. Despite his flair ups , I do think he’s a good friend. I was trapped in the same cycle for about 9 years of the friendship. The last 3 years have been much more manageable with the boundaries I set. I hope this helps❤ I know exactly how she feels . I was listening to the story like, “I already know what happened next” . If my advice isn’t helpful, I atleast hope this comment is helpful so she sees she is not alone. I found it easier for me to heal when I knew I wasn’t alone in my experience. Thank you for what you do Anna!

@FFuckYouTube

Ай бұрын

thanks

Haven‘t even watched the video, but the title fits half of my romantic relationships. Thank you for these videos, fairy!

This video came at a really opportune time, as I've been having a hard time with a friendship that abruptly came to an end. We had been friends for about 6 months, and became very close very fast. We were talking daily, hanging out often, we even had a sleepover. I had been struggling with depression for a year before meeting her, and when we started hanging out, I felt sincere joy for the first time in a very very long time. I was so happy to just have a friend. A month or so ago, I had to cancel our weekend plans because we had a miscommunication about the timing. This was the first time I had ever canceled plans on her, and immediately afterwards, she became distant and cold. I brushed it off and tried to keep up our normal routine, sending her a message every day, but they would often go ignored for 12+ hours before getting a short response. I decided to give her space and figured that she would reach out when she was ready, but she never really did. It's been over a month of complete silence. I feel horrible about it. I think about it often and wonder what I could've done differently. Wondering what might have put her off. Wondering if maybe she had disliked me all along, and that the canceled plans were just an "easy way out" of the friendship. I can't even say that she is a bad person - far from it. She is loved by everyone, she's kind and funny and successful and active in our community... she's inspiring. I wish I could be likeable the way she is. Maybe she was just "out of my league" to begin with. I have a very hard time making (or keeping) friends, and I can't help but feel that it's because there's something wrong with me. If I wasn't so loud or so weird, maybe someone would actually like me and stick around. But it feels like people only like the "surface level" me. Once they get to REALLY know me, it's over. It's exhausting and disheartening, and makes me question if I want to play out this cycle of happiness and heartbreak for the next 50 years.

@zuzuspetals9281

Ай бұрын

A similar situation happened in November between my cousin and me. I’m 8 months younger than her and we’ve been close since we were kids, but there are times we were closer than others because of where we lived or family circumstances. For the last 24 years we’ve cared and supported each other through lots of really difficult personal family issues including my mom’s devastating injury and the death of her husband. We were so close we called ourselves “sister cousins” and I usually stayed with her for a month to six weeks because we live on opposite sides of the country. For the first time in 3 years I had gone to stay and she asked me to extend my time a week last November. Due to a miscommunication my sister came a few days before I was to fly home to see me for a day and we had planned a morning breakfast during the time I thought my cousin had an appointment. My cousin thought she was coming the next day. When my sister and I got back in the early afternoon I asked how the appointment was and my cousin who I’ve seen frustrated but never really angry, stood up and started yelling at me cussing about my not inviting her to go with us, treating her like crap, acting like her place was a hotel, taking advantage of her, saying she had talked to her friends and they said I was using her. Then she started yelling over and over, GET OUT, JUST GET OUT. Pack your stuff and go! I tried to tell her that I thought there was a misunderstanding about the days and I’d never ignore her or try to hurt her, and all she’d say was, I don’t want to hear it, GET OUT. She knew I had no where to go and my plane didn’t leave for 3 days and I didn’t have a car. I was trying so hard to not cry. We’ve supported each other for 68 years. My sister helped me throw stuff in my suitcase and drove me 3hrs to her home then rebook my flight and get a hotel for the next day and drove me 4 hours to the airport. It’s been 5 months and I’m still devastated. I don’t know what happened or what to do. It hurts because I hurt her but I don’t know why she wouldn’t listen for a minute or tell me something was bothering her. I’m so confused and after a few other betrayals in the last 20 years I just don’t want to be around anyone anymore. The pain and doubt in my ability to understand people is overwhelming.

Flipping sounds more like BPD, but aside from trying to diagnose someone, hot and cold is very unhealthy and can create an addictive dynamic where we try to figure out how to not get flipped on. It’s too much. Create distance or walk away

The title of this video is so spot on. Halfway my own recovery I’m raging just at thought YOU were the one to apologise and continued to feel crappy about standing up for yourself. Recently I ended a romantic relationship where there were just notions and hints that I would get bad treatment in the future. And with time and perspective it became absolutely obvious that I made the right decision. Didn’t even have to know the reason why he would get rude and disrespectful to me all of a sudden. If the person doesn’t appreciate your company and your lovely self - leave immediately to give some room to people who do adore you. In this situation it’s 100% on your so called friend, you deserve so much better

I experienced a situationship like this for 2 years, so I relate to the writer. We were also trauma bonded as his mother and my stepdad were both in treatment for cancer. I ended things in 2019, got sober (12 steps & substance abuse counseling were so helpful!), and started therapy. I never did figure out why he treated me that way, nor did he ever really share that or take any accountability. The only thing that I could do was work on myself and my healing. It's been one of the best things I have ever done. I encourage our writer to begin working with herself, for herself, you didn't cause that treatment, you didn't deserve it, and you are inherently worthy of so much better. Love and peace on your journey. We can and do recover.❤

Anna thank you so much for this video.. I really needed to hear this, after crossing paths with someone I havnt seen for 8 years in similar circumstances.. thank you so much to the writer for showing up and allowing us to see this dynamic, I've also taken way too much responsability for things in the past in the misguided belief I was responsible for being more assertive and it must be my communication at fault if it had gone so wrong. I'm hearing control in his behaviour. He sounds very aware of playing this writer by tugging the puppet strings and enjoying being the puppeteer.. and I agree with Anna it's emotional abuse. I would say a dysfunctional person - likely a narcissist but that's just a label, what matters is what's happened. In any healthy friendship, when you know something feels off, and you ask to have a talk about it, with any kind of closer friend than an social acquaintance, certainly someone speaking weekly, I would expect honesty and also if it was "nothing", an apology or some empathy for how his offhand behaviour felt upsetting and made you feel a bit insecure. That could be a five sentence convo with a little bit of nice reassurance at the end. That's normal amongst kind friends. Being told "nothing" and then the same pattern of behaviour that was alternatively hot and cold, or welcoming then dismissive, without explanation or transparency is not how healthy, emotionally accountable people behave And then, even more of a red flag, ending up in a position where you've doubted yourself, and got hooked into it being your fault and your a bad person. This is a classic textbook discard by a narc pattern, but again, more than a label, its not ok for bad behaviour in a friendship to result in lowered self esteem of the wrong person.. the accountability lies with him, and he should have repeatedly taken responsability for himself, by apologising, or by acknowledging the gap if he wasnt self aware enough to pick up his own pattern, he should have been aware his behaviour was hurting you and be caring enough about your friendship to want to learn about what he was doing as a bad friend and ask for your support to change himself and practice being better with you. Can you see that is quite a lot more effort from him than what he showed you in the dismissiveness he exhibited? These small examples can be so easy in a caring friendship, it's not awkward or particularly painful and it doesn't have to take a lot of time unless people are new to the skills in which case the convo can take longer and be slower figuring it out But with any kind of good regular friendship, you'd want someone to be reliable in doing that, showing up, making conversations caring and easy and not threatening and certainly not leaving you shaken that your a terrible person I'm so glad of this reminder today.. I drew some tough boundaries for myself a few years ago with people who have standing in my community, and it's taken me a while to understand that yes, this is still the right thing to do, and that complicity from others, or people who normalise dysfunctional behaviour still doesn't make them right. It's ok for me to want health and to purposefully and very very selectively choose better for myself, because I know now I give alot better than that too.

I don't have the problem of having awful friends because I don't have any friends at all. My pre-verbal trauma that led to my having C-PTSD means that I have never felt safe enough to trust anyone, ever. I also had PTSD from a single occurrence which was treated incredibly effectively by EMDR. I hope to have more of that in the future to help with the C-PTSD.

I like your compassionate approach to understanding one another vs just plopping a "narcissist" or whatever label on it, albeit understanding another's bad behaviour is no excuse for putting up with it.

Similar story here. My good friend introduced her other friend to me, and the 3 of us would get together about once a month for coffee. This new woman warmed up quickly to me because i have a teen son and so did she. The mutual friend was childless. On that pretext, the new woman started talking to me separately and on the phone to discuss motherhood issues and teen boy issues. Most times she would ask for advice because her son was younger. I felt a dynamic of superiority, though i never encouraged it. She would often complain about her son and ask if my son did that too. I always spoke lovingly about my son to her, and about her son too. She was leading me to talk badly about my son. I didn't take the bait. She would sometimes disregard the mutual friend behind her back, but stopped doing it when i refused to participate. Then, my son was looking for an internship, and she immediately offered to take him in her workplace. He was supposed to work for 6 weeks, but she treated him very badly from the start, with no valid reasons. He was an emotional mess by the time he was done. I tried to help him see if there was any mis-step from his side, but i couldn't. Initially, i felt it would be unprofessional to intervene in my son's job, and wanted him to learn to fend for himself. But the more i heard about her behaviour in her workplace, and her treatment of other co-workers, i became more and more wary. She was the bully. I remembered some earlier times when she insulted me, but she would always cover up her behaviour as a joke that i didn't understand. After that internship was over, I wrote a message to her telling why i would not be hanging out with her any more. There has been no more communication between us.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I'm sorry your son had to be exposed to your "friend's" bullying. I hope he is doing well now. Nika@TeamFairy

@purvamandlik4696

Ай бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Nika thank you. Yes, my son is doing well for a year now. There are lessons learnt for both of us. Things are awkward with my original friend, who still thinks her friend is a fantastic lady and that I'm under some misunderstanding because of my son's incompetence.

Oh my goodness. This reminds me so much of my friendships when I was young. This is codependency. The best thing you can do is follow Anna’s adivice, do her daily practices. Invest in yourself. Make you the most important person in your life. Stop chasing the people who make you chase. It has taken me deep into my 50’s to figure this out. They just want to use you for attention. You are a disposable entity to them. Once you start taking care of you, parenting yourself, loving yourself, this kind of thing will stop and you will feel at peace in your life, and attract healthy relationships.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy

So weird how I was literally just writing about this, posting about this, deeply meditating on this. I have been investing in, chasing and obsessing over absolute shit humans

Yes Anna, PREACH!!!

My current partner knows I am struggling with depression. I don’t think I’ve ever tried so hard to tell someone. He says I need to “fix my shit” and shuts me out. I’ve asked him to leave now but he said “he’s on the lease” and won’t

@otismeotisme7987

Ай бұрын

Move or take steps to get him out, look up , you can heal your life by Louise Hay on KZread❤😊

Saying no, was an immediate whipping. Was told I'm never allowed to say that word to an adult. Whenever an adult violated me in any way, I was told it's my responsibility to forgive and forget. I never believed in that. Got pushed frequently for not submitting. As I got older I learned I had no other choice than to submit to their expectations. My salvation relied on it. Being deprived till I break. I had a strong will and a lot of fight in me. Told I'm gonna have to break you out of that. When I enter the adult world at the age of 16, after both of my parents had abandoned me, I had to be humble and let people off the hook out of desperation to survive. Regardless how I felt about their actions. When I was 26 I reached my limit of tolerance. Stood my ground. Ended up homeless for 2 years. But I felt a since freedom and growth I had not been allowed. I began to heal in some areas and grow in others. I'm now 40. Still trying to figure things out. Learning to set boundaries and letting go of people who are not worth holding on to.

This is me completely. All I've ever been in is abusive relationships, multiple broken bones black eyes, been choked to unconsciousness and guns held to my head. I've had " friends" that steal from me and verbally abuse me. After I confronted my meth addicted sexually abusive father it quit happening to me! He died and now I'm in a healthy relationship ❤

Oh my god , I have been doing this all my life with friends Because of suffering childhood trauma from narcissist parents

This is exact thing happened to me. Then I got an email that said “I don’t want to be friends anymore.” Amazing how people can do this to others

@ladibyrd

Ай бұрын

An email is so cold. My ex friend sent me an email too.... like hello stacie. Just call if you dont want to be remembered as a jerk.

@Leila550

Ай бұрын

@@ladibyrd so awful, and it was calculated also. I had just seen her, she had asked me some weird questions like - basically checking my mental health status (I’m guessing to make sure I wouldn’t self-harm), even planned another trip with me as I was en route back home, and then later that night at like 3AM, sent an email “it is not my intention to hurt you.” Blocked me on everything - and had her friends block me also. How civilized. Just brutal. There were red flags and I kept trying to speak up about them but with all of this CPTSD it’s easy to get lost in the day to day and everything else going on in life. Either way, The Work still needs to be done so this never happens again. I’m sorry to hear it happened to you also.

@coldcloakmusic6630

Ай бұрын

@@Leila550honestly sounds like she had a lot of projection going on….she was projecting her issues on you…especially since her friends blocked you as well….like what did her friends have to do with your friendship with her? She’s probably the type that can’t make a decision without rallying all her friends together in crisis mode…Sometimes rejection is protection..

@Leila550

Ай бұрын

@@coldcloakmusic6630 💯

@em6259

Ай бұрын

That is the othrr person realizing the toxicity of the friendship and getting out. Painful for both parties.

Rejection (childhood and emotional (adulthood) all wonderfully combined leaving a mentally struggling Alone woman

Nathan is the sort of person that is, or could be a NARC, so be thankful that you escaped him. I hope you can become a stronger person and don't be afraid of who you can become; a strong and HAPPY person.

This video is so powerful. I had been in an abusive friendship for nearly 20 years. This video shows me that after all of my therapy, I still have unprocessed childhood trauma. Thank you so much for this video and to the person who wrote in that inspired this video, you didn’t deserve the abuse and nor did I. Thank you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

28 күн бұрын

Glad the video was helpful for you! Thank you for watching and taking the time to comment and to share your kind words towards the letter writer! Nika@TeamFairy

I broke up with my trauma Bonded girlfriend of many years she begged for me not to end it. Then she got engaged 3 months after no contact. I'm workin on myself but hurts to the core. 😢

@MKp-ij4ph

Ай бұрын

❤hang in there

I wonder what ages these people are. It crossed my mind that Ethan might have wanted/expected more than a friendship. It doesn't excuse the behaviour but from my old, 60+ year old perspective, it would certainly explain a lot.

Wherever alcohol is involved, it makes me think addiction

I think there is a drinking issue here that was not highlighted enough in the letter.

Some people have expectations that they don’t make clear to you or demand even when you’ve told them you can’t. This happened to me recently

Agreeing with Anna that the "friend" the letter writer described sounds like a crappy human being and definitely a crappy friend. Until my crappy dad died and I dealt with a lot of things in therapy in terms of my relationship with him, I was hanging onto a lot of shitty people, too. Literally my oldest friend, someone I had known since age eight, I finally recognized as a bully. It's amazing how long it takes to come to terms with this stuff, and it's not about intelligence or virtue on the part of a traumatized person. Congrats to the letter writer and everyone else here doing the work. It'll take some time, but accepting that this person needs to be out of your life is great for you in the long run.

I went through this with two sisters. One would sometimes answer texts and sometimes not, say she'd call but never would unless she wanted something, and the other only wanted to talk about herself. I never felt comfortable around them, but the end came after I suffered some losses and neither one checked up on me. We live in the same community and sometimes bump into each other, but I'll ignore them unless one of them says hello first. Losing them has opened me up to meeting people whose interests align with my own and hopefully be better friends. I know it hurts, but being mistreated hurts even more.

Had a 'best friend' like this for 10 years. I feel bitter about it because he's only just out of my life, and I feel like he dragged me down and stunted me for years. I think he's borderline or narcissistic

Yep even at the age of 54 and doing all the work I've done I'm still finding some really rotten apples in my friend group

It's funny how I have saved contacts of all my so called "friends" as A$$H0L3 #1#2... lololololllll😂

I just said goodbye tonight to a toxic friend who I had clung to for way too long. I turned on KZread, and your video came up. Talk about confirmation and healing !

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Ай бұрын

Glad you have found this video! Good luck finding true friends! Nika@TeamFairy

I went through this so many times bc of my unprocessed trauma. Now bc I've become healthier mentally and emotionally, I don't allow it anymore. If you switch up on me in front of your family and friends or in a new environment, your done! I just walk away or even leave. I don't even call and explain or ask for an explanation from the person, bc they know what they did and I'm not putting up with it..Its funny bc at this point they're baffled and extremely apologetic and want to say that they were going through something or they didn't realize it 😠 Nope I'll forgive you but I'm moving on, I'm not taking anyone's abuse anymore.

The title sums up my entire life - really working on changing it - my biggest piece of karma to shift

Every video you do hits home with me. I am so thankful that you do these videos for us. I appreciate you,

Sounds like an alcoholic. He was using her for something. Sex, alcohol, paying a tab, driving him to the bar, something.

Forgiveness is often seen by narcissists as a free pass to continue with their abusive behaviour. Kudos to Dr Ramani for being real about this. Those who want you to forgive are perpetuating the abuse by adding guilt to the original wound.

I've also had "one of those" for 15 years.. since having both mother and father narcissistic I thought the behavior was normal, until it wasn't.. Negative to every decision that I've ever made for my own life, picks on my weight, my finances, TV show preferences, foods I like to eat, etc.. he does not do this with any of his male companions or women that are self-made and/or petite.. not bashing anyone with this description..or his preferences.. I've just never understood why he always insisted on being my friend knowing I was somewhere in between.. I've had those screaming matches, and I'm proud of it.. it feels good to get your fight on!!! Although embarrassed and ashamed.. so I've decided to take a different approach.. working that recovery..✌🏼 We haven't spoken in months.. all of a sudden he wants to see me.. in less than 24 hours he changed HIS plan to see me four times.. I've had terrible anxiety just thinking about being around the constant barrage of insults.. Walking away feeling unworthy, useless, belittled and just downright hopeless.. I have come to the same conclusion that you mentioned.. close that door and another will open.. I love me and must be so incredibly unique to be so awesome with all those faults.. catching me? I told him that I am not an obligation (back burner babe to be more precise), that people change, move on, grow apart and that's okay.. no need to feel obligated because of time.. of course he's done nothing wrong and can't understand where I'm coming from.. not my problem today.. Anxiety for the most part has lifted.. (deep breath).. Thanks for letting me talk it through.. I'm on my way to have a flaw filled day!!!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Glad to hear you are ready to fight for yourself. Good luck on your healing journey! Nika@TeamFairy