One of the worst types of soul neglect, in my opinion, is when a child shows very strong interest and ability in some thing and the parents deny child access to that activity. And instead, makes the child do something the parents like and want them to do.😢

@susanhoneycutt5610

15 күн бұрын

Or even denigrate the child for wanting to grow and learn about an area of interest.

Listening to the this list, I can identify about 10 ways that my husband and I have emotionally neglected our kids (between the 2 of us) over their lives (they are teenagers) 😢. We have definitely been healing and improving, but my heart just aches for all the damage that has already been done. We both grew up neglected in different ways and I didn’t want to repeat the cycle.

@Sweetshaunna

6 ай бұрын

Me too!! I swore I was gonna break the cycle. I didn’t 🥴 HOWEVER, and I think it’s probably the same with you- I parented my kids better than my parents did me. And they I think did better than their parents. And I’m betting both our kids will be better parents than us. It’s the hardest job in the world.

@alisonf6478

6 ай бұрын

How wonderful for you to even be open to recognizing this! I have no doubt you are both great partners. And your kids will feel this ❤

@marybe4772

6 ай бұрын

Please check out Dr Becky Kennedy / Good Inside. Repair is possible!

@fairygurl9269

5 ай бұрын

💞

@Serve24

4 ай бұрын

It’s never too late to apologize and give your kids the parents they need. ❤️❤️

I'd like to point out that you can have a parent that has more than one of these negative parenting styles. Mine seemed to be a combination of three or four negative attributes. Please continue this series. I'd like to see where it goes next.

Tim, you are just an incredible light for this world. Thanks for sharing. ✨

I always felt my disabled sibling took everything away from me. I was always left alone 😔 no one ever took a real interest in me or properly catered to my needs or interests. Instead I was treated like a slave. And if I refused to do all the house chores I would be yelled at.

I’m deeply saddened by where I find myself as I’m about to turn 41 and far from where I’d like to be. I’m single with no children and don’t see how my life will be any different as I am far too comfortable in my isolation. It’s just recently I began to realize the immense amount of time I spent alone as a child has affected me in ways that are perhaps irreparable. This video and part 1 have been enlightening. I’ve always felt broken and don’t know that I can fix my brokenness, but feeling “whole” seems inconceivable.

@winniecash1654

2 ай бұрын

😢. So sad. I'm sorry. I feel this way, too. Is it OK for us to be ok with this? I've heard we heal in relationships. But I am single and love being alone. I know this was one of my coping mechanisms, and I wonder what I would have ended up being like if I didn't need a coping mechanism in the first place.

@SatanenPerkele

Ай бұрын

I'm in my 30s and I'm in the same situation. Hang in there 🙏 Do non destructive things that you enjoy. It will make you feel better.

Yes my mother is the child who would stir up the most insane temper tantrums. My little brother and I are still traumatized and working through therapy about neglect. Gabor Mate calls it Proximal Abandonment. Mommy is in the room but totally checked out.

Here is a fun note for all the parents of children with disabilities; If you put all your effort into your disabled child and let your normal children "fend for themselves", your normal children will probably not help you care for your disabled child when they are adults. So, if the idea of having to put your "Blessing Child" into an institution when you are 80 does not appeal to you then please, take the time to actually parent your other children. If not for their sakes, then for the sake of your "Blessing Child"...

@SatanenPerkele

Ай бұрын

Well said. I always felt my disabled sibling took everything away from me. I was always left alone 😔 no one ever took an interest in me or catered to my needs or interests.

Very few therapists seem able to deal with complex trauma. I have seen 7 or 8 therapists in my life and not one of them have given me tools. I have accepted that I will have to heal myself.

I think there’s one more, the parent/s who had children because family/society expected it, not because they wanted them.

@bettydavis9025

2 ай бұрын

Very true, I believe most of the time there is little discernment as to desire and commitment to being a parent...it just happens.

Not to mention the single Mother working all she can in raising the children just to cover their basic needs. This is why we were to live in community…not separate…in each of our little box or big box…programmed to be separated…families need to be in tribes…all our healing each other..we have lost are way…

@alexandrugheorghe5610

6 ай бұрын

Totally

My parents & other caregivers check many of these boxes.

My mam was definitely a permissive parent, my cousins used to call me spoilt rotten and call me lucky to have loving parents and I got whatever I wanted, but I always felt like she hated me coz she just never was there for me emotionally or cared enough to teach me or explain to me why things are the way they are, she would just say “coz I said so” So I grew up a people pleaser and became an emotional support for her instead

@laurenajones1251

5 ай бұрын

Amen same boat

I’m learning so much from these videos Tim! Thank you. Would you consider doing a talk about abandonment? I was raised my a single mom and was the product of an affair and met my father as an adult. The relationship with him was conditional. He never apologized or allowed for my feelings about lack of a father. I struggle to push away feelings that I don’t fit in, that my life is a mistake.

Start with: Do unto others as you have done unto you-for every action, to everyone; be extra careful in this if you chose to punish others. As an adult taking charge of your actions, here is an example: YOU are the baby in the womb...YOU are the inmate in prison with false charges...YOU are that loved starved , hungry cold child...We are the adults now-be the adult YOU needed.

I love his color scheme. very calming. These 2 videos are excellent.

I am so glad I found Fletch. I'm learning so much. I'm only figuring it out after my parents passing. Wish I had this information years ago but I'm healing 😌

The author of the book, “Running on Empty”, is by Dr. JONICE WEB, not Janice Weber. I read it several years ago. Very helpful. Thank you for an excellent talk about CEN, Childhood Neglect. Learned so much to help me. I will reread the book by Dr Jonice Webb. I realize I have mainly had people in my life who neglect me. I wouldn’t know how to relate to people who were not neglecting me. Feels odd. I don’t know the rules of relationships that are more equal.

I forgive my parents especially my mom for she was trying to survive herself , she had so much going on inside that she tried to live with... She had controlling critical emotionally absent character ... She fought me viciously as a little girl so i grew up thinking am a bad girl naughty girl... Now i realise she was unstable and had cptsd herself... Now i am becoming more and more aware each day thanx to people like you sir I decided to stop the curse. I know my kids are getting so much love hugs kisses and listening and presence from me

This one should be part 1, and part 1 should be part two

I wish I had this information and had the understanding of how important it is to be aware of this information back in my twenties... I'm so grateful for your videos tim.. your kind explanation of this stuff really helps me cope with all my trauma and I know that it will help me be a better parent and person from listening to you...

I would like to add here that our intellect is a huge sponge and that he is creating his own world whatever is served to him, whether good or bad. This has been always the missing piece of a puzzle and that our brains or cortex is just a tool to express the inner world. Thank you for this you have clarified a lot of the issues for me and for the people in your community.

For the amount of reasons that could lead to neglect or trauma more people shouldn’t have kids than do.

if I am honest with myself, I had no business having children but I only see that now. Even though I promised that the cycle would break with me and that the patterns would not be propagated into the next generation.... I failed on every level. What was I thinking, thinking that I could change anything. An unhealthy person produces unhealthy children without even realising what I was really doing to my children. I want to take responsibility, but I feel that I became a piece of meat in a sandwich.... a two way negative mirror, an enemy within (me) and an enemy without (my extended family). I have removed myself from society until I sort this mess out. Any contact that I have with my children is always very painful for both sides so we all just avoid each other. That is not what I want, but it is for the best, until such a time that it isn't I guess. I keep breathing and I wonder why!!!!

@Sweetshaunna

6 ай бұрын

I often feel the same way! If I knew then what I know now, I would have not become a parent at least until I healed. Kinda late now, I’m doing my best but I keep seeing all the ways I’m failing. And there’s no real good like parenting classes in my area for parents who need help on overall parenting, all the classes are the mandatory court classes for divorces 😮 And I’ve been through that already. I have a mentor type mom, but she’s like a scary perfect mom so now I just find myself comparing and feeling even worse about myself 😮‍💨

@xenatron9056

6 ай бұрын

@@Sweetshaunna My biggest problem is forgiving myself for thinking that I was better n more effective that what I thought. I didn't realise that when I outsourced my children's needs to others that in essence, I also threw them to the wolves.

@rg1whiteywins598

2 ай бұрын

I knew that and chose to stop dating because I didn't want to get married and have kids. Way too much trauma and the thought of having to take care of a baby when I had to parent myself because my parents were abusive not parenting.

I am wondering if you will talk about neglect in the form of “lack of physical touch” and/or lack of nurturing touch.”?

@iseeonlylove

2 ай бұрын

Yes please

@JeliOra

4 күн бұрын

I was never hugged and the tender touch calmest me like nothing else

Cptsd and Npd have a lot of overlap and similarities looking from the outside Behaviors and actions coming from a place of complex trauma seem to be narcissistic in nature because it is in fact self serving behavior. The difference is a narcissist does it out of ego and self importance. A person of complex trauma does these things out of survival mode. Both have a need to manage their image. Narcissist want to feel more important. Cptsd does it to maintain safe feeling environment Both seem to lack empathy. Narcissists actually lack empathy and don’t care. Cptsd is just unaware how they affect others because they feel invisible and unimportant so “why would anyone be hurt by what I do or say?”

Please Tim, make more videos about emotional neglect

We are perfectly imperfect, and it’s going to be ok. As long as we can admit this fact and have compassion and empathy for self and then others. It’s beautiful really. My mother cannot accept/acknowledge ANY wrongdoing. It’s so ugly & evil. But, ok. Bye mommy dearest, you are not safe. I need a witness, at all times.

The way you break this down is so eye opening and enlightening! Thank you for this incredible content!

Grieving can lead to kids becoming becoming caregivers of their parents...happened when my dad passed when i was 18 and mom was a mess. I was also kind of a caregiver to my dad.

@winniecash1654

2 ай бұрын

I hope now you can find time for yourself.

Thank you Tim

It seems like parenting becomes extremely difficult when there’s so many ways you can fail. 😢

@winniecash1654

2 ай бұрын

Indeed, it's the hardest job in the world. But... all parents should look in the mirror and say, "I'm going to do what it takes to fix myself so I can be the parent my kids need."

Thank you.

The silver lining, if there is one is that we can now neglect these "parents" as they age.

@susanhoneycutt5610

15 күн бұрын

No.

Thank you so much, it's so useful🙏🔥

Excellent

How about the beautiful Christian teaching that is at the end of your sessions Tim? Have been looked forward to them but don’t see anymore…..

@lauraleemoderndaysamaritan4137

6 ай бұрын

Me too!! I use to recommend him to all my believing friends because he did such a beautiful job bringing trauma truth from the word ...really miss it so much!

@llaurenscarter

6 ай бұрын

I liked that segment as well. Tim has a deep understanding of the bible and it really helped me understand so many of the biblical stories at a much deeper level

@marylevin9262

6 ай бұрын

I too have wondered why the change ?

@CM7777...

3 ай бұрын

Why? So he can call himself a "christian" psychologist? He promotes new age practices and doctors. He promotes LSD with "the right practitioner". He should know that LSD opens doors to the enemy. He uses misapplied bible verses to promote his teaching topic.

@pyrosfyre789

2 ай бұрын

​@CM7777... my skeptical friend. When one opens the door and doesn't stand vigil. The enemy will walk in. Those of good will wait to be invited. When one opens the door and stands guard at the door, they are there to welcome positive guidance from the spirit. Many substances are gateways for the devil, but with a disciplined mind and careful spirit, they can be equally powerful in finding answers and connecting to God.

Trying to understand how my mom fits here into this.. She was hersef abused as a child. Se didnt want to have kids but my father (A narcissist) compelled her to get 3 kids, and left all responsibillities with the kdis to her. She was totally overwhelemed, coping with her own traumas. She was emotionally unavailable. And since she was terrified of any sort of criticism, as adult, it was not possible to talk with her about that and heal.

@winniecash1654

2 ай бұрын

How sad for everyone involved

Bumped a wine glass off table and it broke. I came around the corner and got grabbed up by my ponytail and was told there is no such thing as accidents.

Omg i am discovering that my mom is a sociopath ... She ruthlessly abuses people and has no remorse ever 😢

Maybe that explains why I got bashed for needing to go to hospital because they are worried will look bad or they don't want people knowing their business... How do you forgive someone that compromised your life.

@winniecash1654

2 ай бұрын

For your sake, you forgive them. You can forgive and still draw healthy boundaries to buffer yourself from their toxicity. Some of us need to get away from them completely, and that is ok. You need to do what it takes to heal yourself.

So if I comment on all the horror in my life what's the point?

@xenatron9056

6 ай бұрын

There is no point, that is the problem.

Tim, what happened to part 16?

Thanks you Tim! What do you think about Pete Walker's The Tao of Healing? Is it a good book for cptsd?

@Sweetshaunna

6 ай бұрын

I found it to be super helpful. Most of his books are very good without being almost too much (like the body keeps score, that book was a bit much for me in the beginning)

I hate the healing journey. I'd rather go back to when I didn't know anything, with all the shitty people around me. At least then I had a circle, didn't constantly have depression and didnt care about the meaning of life. I hate this journey. I want off the ride but can't go back.

@winniecash1654

2 ай бұрын

I'm sorry. Yes, it's extremely painful on every level. It sucks. I'm angry just about every day. What choice do we have? It's better we do the hard work of healing for each others' sakes. I believe that me becoming healthy is good for you. I've helped countless others like us, and they have helped me in this journey. I need you and you need me. For this reason, if nothing else, I keep going.

@SatanenPerkele

Ай бұрын

Focus forward and not backwards. The past is long gone. Get rid of stuff that reminds you of your past and create new happy memories instead.

I feel like you missed out one other thing that can happen with kids of mentally ill parents and that's becoming aa emotional caretaker to your parent as well as learning to deprioritise your own needs I always felt responsible to try to cheer my mum up and be her supportive friend and councillor from a young age it can also leave you feeling quite powerless if they don't take your advice good video though

The parenting styles seem to overlap. Narcistic parents can have a victem mentality and usually do not tolerate negative emotions. It is not important for the lecture however. All these types have in common that the parent does not deal with the emotions of the child. I was raised by parents that have three or four of these styles. And they were just re-doing what they had learned from their parents. And i am sad to say that partly my children were raised in the same manner. In the descision to divorce part was that i did not want my kids to have the same that i had. And that i could not change the situation in marriage with that narcistic man. I have been healing, but it takes time. And i hope that it is possible to heal the relationship with my kids. I am not a perfect parent and i will never be, but i hope that my kids feel loved and supported.

@winniecash1654

2 ай бұрын

Have you asked them? Just wondering.

In the first 5 minutes you were talking about narcissists. It sounds like for the narcissist shame is their whole world. It's like they are out of touch with reality, like a schizophrenic person, isn't it?

@winniecash1654

2 ай бұрын

Yep. They're so damaged they can't be fixed. Sam Vankin talks about this. It's heartbreaking.

@SatanenPerkele

Ай бұрын

Yep, narcissism is a mental illness.

Very good stuff here. I'm a bit new to this so I'm gonna assume 'little t' neglect trauma has a different pathway to healing than big T trauma. Has anyone got recommendations or videos on how to heal 'what not happened to you'?

@kshaw9179

6 ай бұрын

See his videos on reparenting.

@marykennedysherin3330

6 ай бұрын

All the videos are helpful/useful/enlightening. You can choose any or all. I have found them to be healing ❤️‍🩹! Most counselors never even cover this stuff and it’s the unresolved complex trauma that keeps us from growing

9:05 - 11:00 I think a lot of pastors mischaracterise God precisely because this was how they were raised, and they have unhealed parental wounds! They project their childhoos trauma onto their concept of God, mischaracterise him as harsher than he really is, and end up misleading people & causing religious trauma etc. They make God sound all, "OBEY ME!" but I've found the real Jesus to be much more understanding and will patiently work through your reservations with you.

Below I refer to myself in the third person. It is a transcription of a real-life encounter/experience. A waking-dream. One I had with Jesus... Jesus will lead the way; she doesn’t need to do anything. Jesus, what would you like to do next? Going to sit with her on the sand... She sees the word 'pure' written in the sand. It is confusing for her. What does it feel like to go out on the water with Jesus? It feels like a crazy ride! Feels happy, magical, miraculous, confusing etc. She feels secure with him, but fears that Jesus won’t be here forever and she’ll be alone. Jesus what would you like to say in response? He knows how alone she feels, but she’s never alone, Jesus is always with her; will never leave her; they are a part of each other. We are one and she is never, ever alone. There has been someone who has been a source of pain. I’m going to take him to see her; to unite them. She sees Bryan who was her best friend and they are embracing. Bryan is all in black and his hair is down and they are embracing. There is an innocence to him and he didn’t mean any harm, even though he harmed her so much; he didn’t mean it. There is a connection that goes beyond their bodies; their souls are connected. Bryan is just trying to calm her and to let her know it is okay. Jesus loves him just as much as he loves her. Bryan is as much his son and she is his daughter. Now they are transported into a courtroom; Jesus is the judge; they are on opposite sides; Bryan and she are on trial. Bryan is pleading his case. She is just sobbing. She is being shown the victim she has been; she keeps carrying that, while Bryan pleads his case. She can’t bear the pain so she just sobs. She is perpetually in victim mode. Jesus is smiling; watching the way you might watch a TV show. He is detached. There is no right or wrong. Beaming smile; tells Bryan to come over to her; She can see light around him like he is an angel in disguise. He is sorry for her pain. This is all part of a greater plan. Bryan embraces her and she looks into his eyes. Clarity beams. But her mind can’t catch up and she is confused. Now they sit down on her side of the courtroom next to each other; now they are on the same side of the trial; holding hands. Jesus is just loving this - getting a kick out of it; he is excited and happy; but she hasn’t fully caught up. It is perfectly okay; he sees her pain - what her soul knows but her mind can’t catch up... And in between the two: there is panic. She hears him saying, "I am in the waves." What movie are you and Jesus going to go see? She sees Bryan running toward the theatre to catch up... She sees what Jesus wants to show her; scenes that come up; memories that pop up - some terrify her; they cause her panic. Bryan is excited to watch as if it is an interesting movie. She’s in the middle of the two of them and she is paralyzed with fear. She sees Jesus getting her all propped up; massaged; favorite drink, favorite food; calm relaxed comfortable; Bryan is okay; She is not watching this alone. It's perfectly okay. She is seeing memories that terrify her; She is constantly scared of her past; it haunts her and it paralyzes her; She sees Bryan loving it. Jesus wants her to see all these things in a different way. They are moving to the back of the theatre where it will be less overwhelming. Bryan is staying at the front. He wants her to see the scenes of her life that terrify her and that Jesus and the angels were always with her. Its too much. She feels overwhelmed. It's confusing. She wants to see but she’s feeling overwhelmed. She sees that Bryan comes to the back of the theatre and sits on the other side of her; Jesus holds her hand and looks at Bryan with a look of knowing. She sees herself getting smaller, child-size. She is getting bigger now and she is sitting cross-legged. He loves her prayer - about lifting the veil of fear - she will see things differently. She sees Bryan enjoying the movie because he is detached. Jesus wants her to learn detachment. She gets so sucked into the memories and she gets panicked. Good or bad memory doesn’t matter. She is seeing clear that she can just watch memories like a movie. None of it is real; that’s the title of the movie; dragons across the screen. And Jesus is just getting a kick out of it; He is watching her catch up to it. She hugs Jesus and she cries in her arms. She’s telling him that she is so scared; she doesn’t want to be here anymore. Jesus responds; "it is not your time baby girl; so much more to see and more to do." He is going to helps her emerge from this cocoon phase into a butterfly. She wants Jesus to explain why he let Bryan hurt her; to explain all the traumas in her life; she is sobbing. She feels so much love and compassion but doesn’t get sucked into the story. He sees her as perfect. Now there are so many angels in the movie theatre; full bright, white amazing wings. The whole theatre is lined with these angels. God says that they are all here for you. Bryan is still eating his popcorn and enthralled with the movie. Jesus is so happy watching her watch the angels. Jesus is tuning her voice - he wants her to use her voice and to stop repressing and suppressing it. The angels are going to help her to release her voice. The attachment to the memories is because her voice hasn’t been released. Angelic music is coming out of her voice as it gets finely tuned; now Bryan is noticing her, not just the movie. She is being lifted higher and higher as she sings: angelic sounds coming from her voice; God is showing her it is time to use her voice. She feels panic because she is the one who must do what has never been done before; a blessing and opportunity; a burden; it is so big. Now he is showing her with her sister; needs to have a conversation with her sister; so much of it starts there - how much love there is between them. Jesus will be there for both of them 100%. So much will be released once this conversation has happened. She keeps praying - that whoever God has ordained as her husband that they be united. Once she has a conversation, that her voice isn’t suppressed; the gifts will be released including this ordained husband. It is confusing. God still has work for her to do. She is so tired and cannot do anymore, but God is showing her the pathway forward... She sees this man waiting for her in the wings. The bridge between there and here are the things she needs to do - this conversation; angels are there; divinely orchestrated. She needs to surrender to God more and more; hanging on is keeping her panicked. What is Jesus doing now? He is leaving - he is ascending into the sky; He is physically leaving but the sense of him is deep in her heart; a small version of himself is in her heart. She wants Bryan to stay but he has to go too. He kisses her on the cheek and he ascends. Bryan has his own path. Time to release her voice; to release Bryan; to have a conversation with her sister. Jesus is lifting something out of her; he is pulling it out of her - she is carrying stuff that isn’t even hers and is centuries old and he is lifting it all out of her. What is Jesus doing now? She was feeling panic and an immediate desire to reach for Bryan. God is carrying a corkscrew; He is showing her a tool. Flooded with panic and memories and a desire to reach for Bryan... Jesus has the tools and he can fix anything, all the time. Turn back to him when she wants to reach for Bryan - nothing that he can’t fix; gentle with your heart; hold on; hold that space. He has every tool needed to fix anything and everything. She is giving Jesus a big hug. She is getting a greater sense of hope for the future. Now glimmers of hope through the despair. At an airport and Jesus is walking with a huge set of scissors severing the strings between Bryan and her. Jesus is severing all those ties. She is going to experience new freedom without being attached by these cords. Jesus is showing her how much more freedom. To get to what she prays for: to get to uniting with the man that God has ordained for her: - Sever ties to Brian - Conversation with sister - Use of voice. He has something so much greater for her. Her connection to Bryan was just there for a time. He has something so much better for her, a healthy connection. She won’t be alone forever. She is in the cocooning now and he will help her through the work that she needs to do. He is showing her that Bryan was a symbol of what she could have - way more profoundly aligned with her. He was there so she could see that there is more for her beyond these unhealthy ways. God is going now but he is also staying within her. A blessing from Jesus? Chunks of gold. She is going through the fire and on the other side of the fire is gold; gold goes through the fire. Thank you for the blessing… It is clear what the blessing is. There are little flecks of gold in each memory - look for them. He will help her find it. She sees that in each memory; if she looks closely at each memory - they contain love. A phoenix rising from the ashes - and she is that - she needs to hold to that. On the other side is the gold...

What good does it to assign blame on our parents? Didn't they do the best they could with the tools they had? Where does the blame shift? Are we not in control of how we react to people places and things even if we are little 't' trauma survivors with that said are we not responsible for the guilt/shame from traumatizing others ? With that said the guilt/blame goes all the way back to the fall in the garden a fallen world full of sin and sinners, so what good does it do us to chase down who is to blame when the blame falls squarely on our own shoulders and that makes us responsible to change and heal and create the kingdom of heaven in our own lives .... HOW DO WE DO THAT? I belong to 12 step recovery group but im still sinning still imperfect and my character defects make me miserable... I need relief, im praying about all of this but still find myself sad 😢

@winniecash1654

2 ай бұрын

I think many parents are able but don't care to do what it takes. In other words, they are lazy. Just my 2 cents. I could be wrong.

@krustysurfer

2 ай бұрын

@@winniecash1654 I hear ya

Your uploads have a purple brick and purple neon backdrop. Who are you signalling? And why?

So then I check at how you've "nourished/sustained" me, and you don't. Fatigued into compliance with his measures matter of fact. When my God is Him, not him.

How is my mother almost all of these in one 😂🥲