As a kid in middle school I experienced my mother running naked up and down our hallway clutching at her boyfriend who was trying to leave her as she screamed " make love to me " over and over . She then swallowed a bottle of pills to get him to stay . He walked into my room , handed me the empty bottle and said " your mother took these " then left . I started to cry and didn't know what to do . When I went to see if she was OK she started screaming and swearing at me . I stayed awake all night afraid she was dying in the next room . She was fine . I went to school the next day feeling sick in my soul . I'm a mom now and I can't imagine what kind of a person you have to be to do that to a 10 year old kid . I don't really care how " hard " it is to have BPD .

She blamed me for crying. As a toddler, when upset, she threatened to call the "nuthouse" and have them take me away. She would leave me sobbing on the stairs as she went into the other room and pretended to make the call. Then sit me in the corner of the hall to wait for the "men in white coats to collect me". The regular threat worked. I was terrified. Of course what happened to me later in life was I had no idea how to self-regulate and made several suicide attempts in my twenties after an abusive relationship, redundancy and rotten self-image.

@AmethystDreaming

3 жыл бұрын

And to this day, over 40 years later, denies she ever did this. I sway between hating her and feeling sorry for her followed by guilt. Throw in an alcoholic father and constant physical fighting, shouting, broken windows, her using me as a sex therapist and emotional crutch from the age of around 8 or 9, despite having her OWN mother to confide in, she really screwed with my development.

@s.stevens4520

2 жыл бұрын

I am so sorry you went through this. ♥️

@elfglow4557

2 жыл бұрын

@@AmethystDreaming ahhhh. I’m so sorry this happened. This is horrific. It’s so painful needing validation from very people who are still hurting you. My mom also never admitted and so I don’t know your situation right now. But in case you can and aren’t already please work on being independent and away from her. And you need to work on not expecting validation from her. I’m sorry if this advice triggers you or anything but I wanted to share from my heart because this is what I’m doing and thing is the only way. We won’t stop needing it but to accept they were “stolen by monsters” and will never see you or hear you has helped me in not having my hopes crushed over and over again. Recently I started to think of my mom as a Monster who stole my real one. It helps somehow. And my real mom was supposed to be in her but she was stolen. Anyway I’m very sorry and I feel your pain. And I hope we can find peace somehow. I’m also 35 yo and only now finding all this out. I wish you all the strength and peace you need. Nobody deserves what you went though, nobody.

@KasieMusic

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah... I was also afraid of being given away. Now I regret no authorities took me away!

@whatevernice3452

Жыл бұрын

I thought I was the only one that went through this! My mother would threaten to take me to the "crazy house"... when I was little. 😞

My daughter and I were super close, not BFF’s, until she was about 13… then she became defiant and volatile. The roller coaster 🎢 has gone on for years. IOP program, medication, therapy one-on-one, etc. I have always been supportive of her mental health since she had always been an amazing kid, but she always struggled to bond with other kids. Now she is incredibly unstable and can barely function. She thinks BPD. I’m not sure what’s happening with her, but BPD seems the most likely. I feel awful for how miserable she must be, but it’s brutal being on the receiving end and direct target. My personal life revolves around her. I can’t have friends over. She hates everyone in my life. I am a single mom with a sensitive personality, and I don’t have thick skin. I have been mentally and emotionally annihilated by my baby. I never imagined this would be our relationship now. She needs her mom, and she refuses to have any kind of healthy relationship with me. She blames me for everything but gives me no way to fix anything.

I am just starting your series as an adult-child of a BPD mother. It is quite helpful to have this BPD information you are providing, and at the level of depth you are providing it. We are not surprised when people who do not know each other share some experiences, e.g. the smell of the beach. But it is fascinating that people whom I have never met have such shared, intimate experiences that are the same as mine and in a sense know me better than anyone other than my spouse. This connection to these other people is helpful, also, as it is validating. I look forward to the rest of this series. Thank you.

"The source of safety is the same source of fear"...you summed up the main source of my issues with this one statement

This was extremely helpful!! I see my mother in myself and that scares me to death. In many ways I am polar opposites but in others it just comes out. You are truly helping me be a better parent to my autistic small sons.

I got diagnosed with BPD, I developed it after suffering child abuse by both parents and my older brother, both parents narcs... After I cut them off my life and went to therapy, my BPD is very low, I can have a normal life, I'm not suicidal anymore,no anger issues, can keep a job, I have a stable relationship and when something triggers it, I can manage my emotions.

@CritterHouseUSA

9 күн бұрын

I know I'm just a stranger on the Internet but I wanted to say I'm so proud of you for seeking information and help so you could heal. I wish I could get my mother to do it. I know she had a terrible childhood and I want her to get help (e.g. DBT therapy) but she's 70 now and she's only getting worse.

Thank you so much for all this information Dr Sage. I wish I'd had access to it when I was a teenagers. I thought I was going insane with my BPD mother. I definitely developed PTSD and depression and gave up on myself but I've managed to survive and still getting better thanks to people like you 👍🙏😊

I agree. I was raised by a Narcissist and mother who it seemed I was a burden and who abused my until they had it with me and kicked me out. Most of my life I believe has not been completely aligned with my well being because I was forced to figure everything out on my own and also live and make decisions that were not always the best for me and still have effects on me today, including relationships with other people.

This was very insightful. I have been researching my indigenous heritage and the cultures, and I must say the “Western” concepts of community are so distorted and directly related to the illnesses we are experiencing. I am the grandmother of a young woman, daughter of my son, both with BPD. My great grandchild is now being traumatized as this cycle repeats itself. Your information has helped me see the impact of repeated emotional neglect as we struggle to attain material comforts for our families but neglect the most basic needs. I hope going forward our value systems can return to a human focus and seeing our children and community as gifts and extended families.

I feel like you’re talking to me in the same room. Thank you x

@DrKimSage

4 жыл бұрын

Thank you - I am trying! Deeply appreciate your comment!💕

Thank you for all of your videos. I’m currently working on breaking my enmeshment with my BPD mother who lives with me. Hearing you provides so much solace that my trauma is real and that I am not making it all up in my mind.

I consiously kept distance from my narcisstic mother for over 10 years. Occasionally i would see her. But mostly it wasn't a joyfull expierence. We would fight often. She is in the hospital in teribble condition (stroke). I feel the urge to give her attention by visiting her and show love, because i feel sad for her. But feeling sad for her always made me cross my own borders. And end up being hurt, stressed or dissapointed. A big sence of fear is coming over me. I'm afraid to get too attached to her. When i go in it feels like there is now way out again. I don't know how To handle the situation.

@ttgyuioo

Жыл бұрын

I do...kick that bitch OUT of your life. You deserve love and you're never going to get it. You will NEVER change her so protect yourself AND your sanity and go NC FOREVER!!

I would also like to add a view here as well. I have an adopted daughter who was exposed to methamphetamines prenatally. This has a direct affect on brain functioning, the amygdala, hippocampus, etc... She grew up in a loving home, loving parents, and very supportive in getting her services of all kinds to help. She began developing odd behaviors at 10 months of age that grew into full, violent episodes of aggression. Burned down our house in 2019, low functioning, and is surrounded by drama every single day. I am becoming very weary of all these doctors saying that BPD is caused by an over-bearing mother, or not enough affection, etc... it gives those with BPD a reason to think that somehow they have been abused and mistreated. And in some instances, that is just not the case. Drugs affect prenatal brains. So does alcohol. Why is this not being looked at as closely as all the other traumas to the brain?

@blackthornsloe8049

Жыл бұрын

That would be so hard . I hope you can both find peace.

@evil1by1

11 ай бұрын

Because while sad the vast majority of people with bpd do not have prenatal drug exposure..also most bpds don't burn their house down so I'm not so sure that's what's going on. Odd can be caused by drugs and can cause super violent t behavior.

omg thanks that made me feel so validated because i found it such a hard experience to have bpd mom but at the same time I wasn't even sure why it was so hard and if the pain and the stress I was feeling was legitimate

Thank you for making and sharing this series! I am an adult daughter of what I suspect is a BPD mother. I have cut her out of my life because I was not able to maintain a healthy relationship with her after learning boundaries and starting to set them. I still feel like I have work to do though and your series is helping me along on that front. I am just truly shocked to find such relatable content. I am used to speaking with people that just do not understand what it is like to have this kind of mothe. They keep pushing for me to let her back into my life because they miss their deceased mother or because they have a really great relationship with their mother. Just thank you. 💜

@DrKimSage

2 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome - I so understand the "but she's your mother"- ugh it's like more salt in the wound. They just don't get it and you don't have to let ANYONE hurt you anymore- you are worthy of protection and peace and healing.

@jenjen2744

Жыл бұрын

I was the same - but with the father dynamic you described at the end. To be honest- she was such a dramatic rager, I can understand (but not excuse)why he became so checked out. As an only child that was tough. My mother always described her childhood as "ideal" but her siblings told a very different story. I tried & tried to get her to go to counseling on her own & even with me so it would seem less threatening but she would become mean & defensive. I'd worked in mental health as a behavior specialist & knew she had all the markers BPD. I was a softie & had many friends - she became jealous & the vacillating between praise & stone cold/ passive aggressive put downs still play with me some days. Your videos have helped me really feel & process what I survived / have journaled through. Both of my parents had many wonderful qualities but that pendulum swing was: BEWARE & ALWAYS THERE sabotaging. My heart goes to both sides of this disorder- it's so destructive ♥️

Wow! I just discovered you! Why didn’t KZread algorithm suggest your channel earlier? Your voice is so soothing, your explanations are so compassionate yet professional and rational. Very helpful and refreshing. Thank you so much.

Mental health issues are often intergenerational. My mother grew up in extreme poverty in a poor country. I don't know much about her childhood. I can only guess at the trauma she experienced.

@DrKimSage

3 жыл бұрын

Completely agree about the transmission of generational trauma! thank you so much for sharing...:)

@2davivadiva

2 жыл бұрын

Isnt it weird how they won’t talk about their childhoods tho?? I find that incredibly strange and disturbing

@KasieMusic

2 жыл бұрын

My mom talked a lot about her childhood, so I don't think there is a pattern. Her mother was a rage (in her apartment there was cardboard in the doors instead of glass and I was told it was due to her periods of rage), but her grandmother was apparently quiet crazy too. So it's just passed on and on.

Having BPD IS INFINITELY HARDER than anybody just seeing the tip of the iceberg of symptoms we share every day. It's literally an EXTREMELY painful core emptiness with constant emotional dysregulation with the inability to self-soothe, frequent rage (one of the most painful emotions on the planet, and no, we don't always share our internal explosions, they just light us on Fire inside as we burn silently), losing hours to dissociation because you can't emotionally handle the smallest of stress, black and white thinking from extreme emotional sensitivity that makes you distrust all your loved ones and devastatingly, your faith in humanity (which leads to suicidal thoughts because what is the point if everyone is faking nice for personal gain and you feel like hell anyway), constantly trying to fill the hole inside you from growing up in an invalidating/often hostile environment/craving the closeness of a good role model/person, though it'll never be enough to make us feel whole/fulfilled/completely loved, and extreme nervousness/anxiety whenever interacting with people (which makes you SO socially awkward/backfires) because you're scared they hate u, are gonna leave you or start screaming, no matter how nice you are. Example: My dad's told me multiple times he hopes he lives till 100 when I've had passive to OBSESSIVE suicidal thoughts every day since age 11, and my mom told me she rarely cries and doesn't think she's ever been depressed before, when I hit depressive, I-hope-my-car-flips lows every day and have cried for hours every night for years, tempted to act on my suicidal thoughts. VERY tempted. But everybody else seems fine.

@Erin14Awesome

11 ай бұрын

I understand this completely

Hello. New to your channel. This is an epiphany, only just realising my Mum likely has BPD/NPD. Physically, mentally & emotionally abusive. Mother refuses to acknowledge there is an issue or that the abuse even happened. I've just started councelling for Cptsd & ASD. The one thing I struggle with the most is a loss of spontaneous joy. I cannot change her however I can help myself. And get off this crazy intergenerational merry-go-round. Thank you for providing this very valuable resource, I can already see that your content will help me alot. 💖

Unbelievable, your videos make everything so clear for me! Thank you so much.

Still the carer of a mother who is relentless in her manipulations to get what she needs. Question my sanity that she is still in !my life.

My mother had severe BPD. Sometimes for a short time she would marry, but usually she raised me as a single parent. We were alone together way too much. I think I'll leave out the gory details of my childhood. I managed to escape my mother's influence and go to college, where my outlook on life improved steadily. I still had plenty of issues, though. Now I've learned that my daughter has BPD. She has no respect for me at all and blames me for everything. She's probably right on some points, but I don't know much about her situation because she's gone no-contact with me. I think I may have invalidated some of her feelings and ideas.

You are very well spoken and understood. Thank you!

You are amazing. As a child of a very stubborn and unwilling to seek help BPD mom, I find you both informative and so easy to listen to. I have exhausted all options and have removed her from my life but now I'm in a whole new territory. I also have a (just turned) 18 year old daughter (living at home) and see her being treated the same way I was and I want to protect her and myself by saying no more seeing grandma (until you live on your own then you can decide for yourself) but at the same time I don't want to "take her grandma away" from her either. Any advice? Note: I do not live near and cannot afford to see a therapist. I don't want to put you on the spot (so if you aren't comfortable in advising i totally understand).

@DrKimSage

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much:). I am so sorry you've had this type of pain and struggle, but also commend the boundaries you've created to protect yourself - it can be so hard to do with regard to our kids, especially as they get older. Your question is a very common one! I will work on a video about how to deal with this issue with grandparents, as I know it's a real challenge. Ethically and legally, I cannot offer advice per my license, but I will definitely make the video! Thank you for taking time to share you story, and thank you for watching!

@KenniKaye

3 жыл бұрын

@@DrKimSage I completely understand the ethics and legality. I appreciate that you plan to work on a video on this. Keep up the amazing work.

Whoa!! I have just been diagnosed by my son's therapist. I was diagnosed as bipolar with C-PTSD. I love my child SO MUCH. We're now seeing the BEST therapists in our state. I see his therapist to help him b/c he is a complete mess. He was abused terribly by my father - with whom we lived for 5 yrs. Finally he left, so we're now with my mother, a covert narc. My son's therapists asked me about BPD after I explained all the trauma I'd been through as a teenager, violence and abuse in the home, and what happened out of the home on the streets, etc. I never wanted to harm my child, but I didn't know I could have children. I accidentally got pregnant after being told I could not EVER have a child by a panel of expert obgyn's. I was essentially having a breakdown after studying 1st yr art therapy. I knew there was something VERY broken inside of me but couldn't put the final puzzle pieces together. Coming home to live is when the flash backs began. Whoa! They were so vivid it was as if I was there again. SO INTENSE. The puzzle pieces have ALL fit into place. I explained it to his therapist that as I healed from my breakdown, I completely destroyed my child She said, ''not completely, b/c you're here.'' Do we stand a chance at being ok? I literally only want to know if I can be an ok Mum and if he at the age of 6 can get over this, b/c he is the sweetest, most kind hearted boy and I'm really worried about him. Thankyou.

@s.stevens4520

2 жыл бұрын

PLEASE do all you can to protect your child.

@elfglow4557

2 жыл бұрын

Please protect him and love him unconditionally. Please. I hope you can save him because this existence is too damn painful. Best of luck

@KasieMusic

2 жыл бұрын

@queen of the butterflies please share how it goes? Does the therapy work? I also want to protect my soon-to-be-born child from myself and would love to hear some experiences.

@queenofthebutterflies5212

2 жыл бұрын

@@KasieMusic Hi beautiful. I call you beautiful bc to have asked this you must be so in love with your baby already. You're going to be a BEAUTIFUL mummy. My trauma therapist has been BRILLIANT. I have gone from having a hair trigger temper to being quite calm. I see a psychiatrist, so am on medication for the bipolar aspect of my mind, but for the CPTSD ( / borderline, whatever you want to label it) Amanda has helped me become quite aware of my triggers. What has been the BIGGEST HELP is specifically seeing a trauma therapist. No one else is qualified (imoho) to deal with us. They have no reference point, no experiential data. They don't help. Trauma therapists use different techniques. It's a combo of EMDR and a little bit of talking, but I'm surprised about how little talking... You could look online, YT, for some vid's on tapping, to help calm yourself. Tapping can be good. Also, hugging yourself when you feel unstable. Hands on opposite upper arm and gently hold yourself. Meditation in the mornings is very good 4 me, I get into more of an observer perspective, so not as easily triggered. But...I have to admit, I do believe my son has inherited some of my trauma (there is research to suggest that trauma is genetically passed down). So, w/ your new born, plan to do some calming activities, including them in your meditation so it becomes a normal part of your lives (I wish I'd done that. Lots of skin to skin, for bonding and (I don't want to pressure you, bc every1 pressures new Mum's, but if possible,) breastfeed. This will all help. You could begin looing for a good trauma therapist and also think about getting a therapist for your child later on if things become ''difficult''. My son is not a calm person. You might be lucky! You might get a calm one! Sorry for the long rant, but I've been in your shoes. I promise you one thing: If you love your child, everything will work out fine. LOVE is the cure for everything I'm coming to realise. Love for you and love for everything. Best of luck for you, your baby and your family.

@KasieMusic

2 жыл бұрын

@@queenofthebutterflies5212 Thank you so much, what you wrote really fills me with hope! I have been seeing a normal therapist, but was very disappointed, nothing changed and things even got worse - thank you very much for the hint to focus on finding a trauma therapist instead. I have to calm down when my emotions rise because I really don't want the baby to grow up in an unstable environment. Thank you so much for the advice on bonding together and value of meditation. I gave up morning meditation some time ago and that was a mistake. My greatest dream for my little girl is a PEACEFUL, loving and unconditionally supporting environment, and I will do whatever it takes to provide it. Like your son, I expect she might inherit some trauma - but as Kim always says, I'm trying to set realistic expectations and simply do whatever I can, and be compassionate with my own limits as well. THANK YOU and all the best for you!

Love this video. It all makes sense.

I have bpd. I also am a late diagnosis Asperger's. I wonder how much of my bpd came from my family's lack of knowledge on how to deal with my ASD?

Dr. Sage how do I handle these issues with an Ex who expresses classic symptoms, and text book family history of BPD, in regards to a divorce? My Ex has a very aggressive lawyer and when any communication from me is seen as harassment and an attack. We have two lovely daughters age 2 and 6. Right now I only have them 2 weekends a month, the cort has given her 75% custody and 90% of our marital assets. It has been devastating for me but I am more concerned that our daughters will not have an out let or alternative environment to escape this behavior. My Ex seems to be acting out the same dynamic that happened to her as a kid, when her mom froze her dad out of the marriage.

Ah, story of my life.. emotionally absent and rejecting father plus emotinally neglectful bpd mother plus SA in the church = ptsd, ocd, gad, hashimoto's disease.

Thx!

Thank you

@cakelove3164

3 жыл бұрын

Finally realized I was living in the hell during childhood.

You can always tell a Borderline by the fact that they call their child their "best friend".

Hi guys! What do think about the role of attachment in the development of BPD?

@Amaterasu_990

3 жыл бұрын

I think it relates to trust. You can't trust the person you're supposed to attach to. They're going to rage to or around you, and parrot unthinking unhealthy stuff they pass on from their own horrible childhoods. So I think it has an affect of inability to stand up for yourself, because you "know" you'll be raged at for doing so however slightly, and so hard-wires fear into the brain. The pressure gets too much and you just want to be alone from everyone and start splitting. (haha rant more tan an answer i guess :-P ) and so there you go, you've caught BDP from your mother, the attachment figure, who has it herself.

The good doctor is is holding up the wall or something. Set builders behind schedule. Thanks!

Your videos have helped me so much! I do have a question, I am now an adult child of a BPD mother, my mother has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at the young age of 60. I have been very involved in her care but it’s been emotionally draining. Any tips to keep boundaries but still be helpful? Thank you!

@heartspacerelaxations6924

Жыл бұрын

Maybe look at the Brednesden Protocol. It’s excellent.

I know for the fact that I have a gene mutation of seratonin transporter gene. My question is, is it possible it got damaged/changed after abuse I endured since I was born? Or I was born with it?

@KasieMusic

2 жыл бұрын

Great question, I would also love to know the answer.

@aml8760

Жыл бұрын

How did you find out? About the gene?

Great video. Question -- do you feel that BPD and narcissism go together?

@DrKimSage

3 жыл бұрын

There definitely can be overlap in some cases - many of the cluster b's can overlap - I think many people think a parent is NPD when in reality it might be BPD- but it can be confusing too!

@AuggieX1

3 жыл бұрын

@@DrKimSage ok thank you. Now that I am learning more about BPD..... I can see traces of NPD as well.

💋🍸🍦

You talk too fast. Yes, I lowered the speed of the video and now it’s too slow and lagged.