Thank you for this. I am so tired of people feeling sorry for these monsters. They destroy families....generations even....with their mind games and constant denial. They need to be held accountable and forced into therapy or something. It is a nightmare to be their child, some (my siblings) commit suicide and/or become severely mentally ill themselves.

BPD gran MIL just went through and reorganized my daughter’s room and stuff without her permission today while she was at school. Classic lack of boundaries.

This is part of the reason why I never had children - in fact the desire to have them was suffocated and when I thought of it, I could very well imagine how it would look like.

My mother kept my brother and I away from my grandmother as much as possible because she admitted that grandma was emotionally abusive. Yet now here I sit, 49 years old, mom is 74, and she treated me in just the same cruel, abusive way that her mother treated her. Yet while my mother can admit that her own mother was abusive and that it harmed her, SHE CANNOT admit that she repeated the cycle with me. I am not emotionally healed and stable enough to handle the constant and unpredictable barrage of her abusive behaviors and so I have had to completely cut off all contact with her. Despite that, I am still unable to get my life together because THE TRAUMA RUNS DEEP. Thank goodness I didn't have any children because I would NEVER allow her around them - even with me around. She has no boundaries with children, whether they are related to her or not, and will NOT hesitate to criticize them in the most cruel ways. She has literally said that it is her duty as an adult. She completely views emotional abuse AS GOOD PARENTING. What upsets me is that she worked as a teacher's aide for decades AND LEARNED TO CONTROL HER TEMPER WITH THOSE CHILDREN BUT NOT WITH HER OWN.

I made the mistake of paying my borderline mother to help with my toddlers. She just flew back home after 3 long years. It started off great but I knew it wouldn’t last. Time to heal now.

My mother had made no effort with my child, he's 4 months old and she barely sees him and she lives about 10 minutes from me. She gets jealous that his other family members and other grandparents spend time with him yet she is does not make much effort to visit us or even look at the group chat for videos and photos of him doing new things so it's hard to constantly chase after her asking her to go and look. I give up

My whole pregnancy my mother in law (diagnosed BPD) went mad knitting blankets and gifts every single week etc, she said she had a dream that he would look JUST like my husband, when she walked into the hospital whn I gave birth and she saw him her body language went from excited and nervous to absolutely dissapontment and anger and she said "oh, he looks like YOU!- but I had dream that he would look like (my husband/her son)". She baby sat for us a bit in the first 3 months, by month 3 she went ballistic and stated fighting with every single family member individually, especially her sister whome we also let baby sit, she stopped speaking to us and told us she is busy during the week fixing her house and on weekends she's busy catching up on hair appointments etc, I messaged her one day asking if she could baby sit but she had blocked me, she then threatened suicide in Easter to her daughter who is living overseas who phoned us in a panic, we went low contact after realising everything she was doing was only for attention, she then snuck up our driveway and left a note declaring she is done with us and we are keeping her grandchild from her- and she returned her motherday gift because we didn't put enough effort into it, a few days later she snuck up the driveway and gave a chocolate bar that said "I'm sorry", because by that point we had all blocked her, she sent an email saying "ill always love you, I think ill always miss you".... wtf you THINK??? She cant even genuinely apologize

I just recently discovered your channel and it is so helpful, life saving even! I finally went no contact with my family of origin 6 months ago after 30 years of on again, off again crazy-making nonsense drama and conflict. My grandmother went into a rage each time I told her what names we picked for my children. I guess each time she fantasized that she would be choosing their names. By the time I had my 3rd child, she called him by the name she wanted anyway and treated him like an outcast. That is when I finally fully accepted that it is NOT ME that is flawed, but my family of origin that is psychotic and abusive. I knew I had to leave for good in order to protect my "new" family.

My BPD mother in law is so great with the little kids and babies, but as soon as my son grew up a bit the conflicts began, because the control is gone with the big one now

I told my Narcissistic m-other that she had "favoritism for her grandchildren but she is in Denial 🙄

My MIL has started a campaign to turn her grandkids (my children) against me. The last straw when she tried it with my granddaughter. My husband is her favored son, so I seem to be her nemesis. She has called CPS on us, called our daughter disgusting to have gotten pregnant at 18 in public in front of people, called one grandson a jerk (over and over to anyone who would listen) because he no longer needed her to pay for his braces when he got a good job. She has no friends left. So far she has alienated 2 daughters-in-law, 2 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren. My oldest son and his family plus my husband are on deck to be next if she won't stop. I don't think she can help herself. It's sad watching her toxicity tear her family apart.

I’m going through the resentment phase after realizing just how damaged I was by my own mother.. 28 years old and I’m just seeing it now. She emotionally parentified me at the age of 5 up until literally last week, when I set boundaries and refused to be her therapist. I’m having a hard time getting over the sheer amount of straight bulls*it she put me through because she was incapable of self reflection and change. I don’t care how this sounds, as a daughter of a BPD mother, they should NOT be parents unless they are in treatment. BPD is volatile and parents who have it unchecked ruin their children’s lives, and then they deny that adult child any kind of closure because nothing is ever their fault… my own mother scaring my children with her outbursts and making my eldest cry because she fully told her that she is bad, too much, too loud, too this, too that. I was conditioned all my life to protect my mom, but let me tell you when she pulled that crap, I snapped at her and kicked her out. Over my dead body, it ends with me.

You described my mom as a grandmother. 100%.

I watched this video when it came out 2 years ago and I just watched it again. Everything you say is so true and that's definitely been my experience. The sh*t-talking, the story telling about what a horrible teenager I was, on and on. Thank you for this video! I know you've done some holiday videos recently - I would love to see you do a video on bpd grandparents and the holidays. My mother goes completely overboard on the gift -giving, she doesn't recognize or care about our requests to limit the gifts, she insists that everything be a certain way and we all must follow her traditions, she clearly favors the young grandkids and gets all judgy with the older ones that express their preferences. And then there's the unstable moods, outbursts, and the odd meltdown. And then the silent treatments and shit talking to the rest of the family if someone pushes back. She believes she's the queen bee and the most important person in the family and we all must be submissive to her and walk on eggshells. It's exhausting! Thank you for everything you do, Dr. Sage - your videos are so helpful and validating!

I’m absolutely terrified of how my mom will affect my daughter. I’m still pregnant but since I found out my mother had attached herself so much to me and the baby. Suggesting to be in the birth room, saying she’ll stop working so she can baby sit full time while I work, buying the baby stuff constantly... which in a normal mom would be great.. of course I wish I had an emotionally healthy mother. But I just didn’t.

My mother had bpd (undiagnosed) and I have it (diagnosed) but I had to go NC with my mum to protect my children. Thanks for this video.

Asking her not to confront me (constant, neverending confrontation about literally everything) in front of my son/her grandson is ludicrous. How else is she going to demonstrate her superiority over everything I try to do (and then on mothers day tell me what an incredible mother I am, baited with "you're much better than I ever was")?

My grandmother was an incarnation of Joan Crawford. Being left alone with her allowed her the space to commit many felony criminal child abuse offenses upon me. Personally, I would NEVER expose a child to an axis-II, Cluster B person. If a parent allows someone to abuse their child, the parent might face criminal charges and have their child taken away by the state….I wish I had been taken out of that living hell.

So much of this hits home and really validates the experience. The gift-giving, the splitting, the unsolicited parenting advice…

As someone with BPD, it’s really sad to read all of these comments accusing of us of being monsters, abusers, and untreatable in therapy. I’m a nonviolent, compassionate individual who volunteers, loves animals, and is a good person despite my mental health struggles. But apparently just by me stating this I am automatically lying and being manipulative to get sympathy 🙄 I didn’t become aware of my diagnosis until a few years ago and have been vehemently working on emotional regulation and guess what? BPD has been confirmed to be a treatable and even curable disorder with consistent DBT types of therapy. I’m so sorry to anyone who has been emotionally or physically abused by someone with BPD or with any other mental health disorder. But as with most things in life, it’s a spectrum. We are good people and bad people, just like the general population. We can be violent or nonviolent, just like the general population. We can be amazing partners and friends, or we can be shitty ones. It’s all about self awareness and consistently working to better ourselves in therapy and out, and honestly, isn’t that something everyone should be doing anyway? 💜💕