Even before I was diagnosed I had always felt something very "off" about the whole positivity trend that has been building steam since my childhood. I was always puzzled by the idea that positive thinking would effect a materially bad situation without actually addressing the materially bad situation. A tyranny of smiley faces.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

"A Tyranny of Smiley Faces" - I like that. It also sounds like it could be the name of a Radiohead song.

@nachosanchez3623

Жыл бұрын

@@Ember_Green it's kinda the basis for most cults lmfao "authoritarian positive thinking" could describe even stuff like the way religious authoritarians gaslight the masses with the promise of eternal divine love and afterlife paradise this is a great video and also everybody should watch "mob psycho" before dying, specially neurodivergent kids

@DaveGrean

Жыл бұрын

As a child I always assumed their point was just "don't try to solve the problem, just learn to accept the problem", I didn't even consider the possibility that they were stupid enough to think it would actually help solving the problem in any way

Someone told me to meditate away my gender dysphoria, because 'you already have everything you need to be happy, you don't need to medically transition.' Toxic positivity at its finest.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

Wow 😑

@DaveGrean

Жыл бұрын

"It's all in your head :) "

@DaveGrean

Жыл бұрын

*insert dumb story about poor fisherman telling the rich businessman how much he's enjoying life*

@brookejones4889

Жыл бұрын

I told my about-to-be ex-housemate about my autism and how it affects me in social situations and he told me that I've been "convinced" that I have this condition by psychologists and if I meditate my problems with socialising will go away.

@ryn2844

Жыл бұрын

@@brookejones4889 Glad that he's about to be your ex housemate.

One of the hardest parts of abusive relationships is the inability to see when you're in one. 💜💜

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

Yea I remember describing some of the stuff to a friend after the relationship was over & they were aghast, couldn't believe it. That was a big wake up call for me that I had been very blind for a long time.

@aelynspaeth8237

Жыл бұрын

Yes, in my case the irony is that the therapist that my abuser picked out for me to see because of the problems I was "causing" for my ex was the one who heard me innocently describing our relationship and began to educate me about emotional abuse and gaslighting.

@homecookinyumyumyum

Жыл бұрын

I knew that I made a good choice leaving my former partner when I was 20 when all of my friends were thrilled.

@johndray2326

Жыл бұрын

I remember sitting in a GP surgery and reading a poster... and thinking 'yeah', that's right and that's right. Thinking that they were just listing the normal components of a relationship. It was only when I got to the bottom and it said, so you may be in an abusive relationship that I sat upright in the chair and thought 'yeah, maybe, but my relationship is not abusive'. (Spoiler alert, it was but still took me years to realise it.)

"Abusers take forgiveness as a form or consent".... Wow, that is giving me a lot to think about. Thank you for your careful and precise approach to this topic.

Toxic positivity is so awful. I'm so glad you left and you're happy now. My abusive ex played on my optimism, honesty, and loyalty in a similar way; if I left /now/, I'd be just adding to the long list of people who had abandoned him. It took physical distance for me to regain myself, too.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

I'm glad you did manage to regain yourself! 💜

There's an element to those positivity memes that has always felt both shallow and gaslighting. This has been a very interesting series and look forward to your insights into the shady links between positive psychology/neoliberalism/evangelical movements when you decide to focus on that.

My dad was exactly like this when I was a kid/teen. He’s gotten slightly better since he’s realized it’s harder to control me since I’m older. Unfortunately I still live in his house at 22, because I can’t afford to move out. Even though things have gotten better, I feel as though the ghosts of the past still haunt me as long as I continue to live here. Thanks for this video. It put into words what I never could.

@rmaatn606

Жыл бұрын

I know the feeling. I'm stuck at home with my toxic parents (I'm 21). I hope you find a safe place to be. Make sure to reach out for support if you can. It's important that you have people who can help you untangle the nonsense they put in your head

@StormOrganization3

Жыл бұрын

I'm in the same spot and I'm in my 30s. Don't give up hope. The road ahead is hard and it can be hard to isolate away from the toxicity but there will eventually be a way out. At least that's what I have to tell myself to get through life rn....

@AussieGriffin

Жыл бұрын

As someone who was the victim of a toxic relationship and is now divorcing someone who lied about being a QAnon sympathiser, I can tell you that your dad isn't better, he's either 1) got a supply of attention somewhere else, or b) someone's scared him off being obviously mean to you by threatening him with exposure. A.G.

There are so many concepts in self-help that hold a special place in my heart - a place of hatred for the damage they did in my life. On a gut level I always knew they were wrong, but it took time to understand and live that, especially when some of the messages are so ubiquitous. I'm glad you're safe now.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

I know what you mean about that gut feeling. So did I, I just put it down to the pessimism I needed to let go of 😩

Thank you so much for this video. As a therapist fresh out of school, I can speak to the fact that my program was steeped in positive psychology with no attention paid to the negatives. I've personally worked with several people who use these ideas to diminish the struggles of marginalized groups and discourage focus on the big picture societal problems. I've always hated it but was convinced I was the only one. Knowing that its roots were fundamentally conservative makes so much sense, and I feel more solid in my criticisms than ever before. Thank you

This is one of the best descriptions of what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. I'm sorry you experienced this and so glad you're safe now.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much

Ooh I really felt it when you said your abusive partner was an eco-activist, cared about indigenous people etc. I've had two abusive relationships with men from that background, one always remained a "friend" and never was physically violent, but never in my life have I felt so neurotic, and spent so much time trying to make everything he said work logically. It wasn't until a year after I completely stopped contact that I realised that I couldn't make it all work because it wasn't logical. I'd spent so long trying to work it all out, I knew, logically, that if there was any logic to it, I would have found it by that time. It was such a relief, but only the beginning of healing from my experience with him. He messed me about relationship wise a lot. A lot of people thought we were together but we never really were. A lot of people thought he was a really nice guy, so if I said, for example, that I wasn't surprised his subsequent girlfriend screamed horribly during a conversation with him because that is how he makes you feel, the man telling me about this couldn't really take in that was what I was saying. She was generally regarded as mad. And I will be honest here, while misogyny is generally not as bad in those circles, it's very definitely still there. My interactions with the world outside radical left wing activism of all kinds have shown me it's usually worse out there, but my god it's still a massively underrated problem in those circles. Also, a lot of toxic friendships and toxic groups going on, some of it was the belief that EVERYONE had to agree about every decision, even if they weren't blocking anything. I haven't done much activism wise because of the impossibility of getting people to recognise this for years.

thank you for sharing such a personal story. I was also victim of domestic abuse on the basis of my own goodwill, i thought what could go wrong if my intentions are good? i got outof it in just 10 weeks and fled the country but was harassed for over a year afterwards. everytime my doorbell rang i thought it was he who had sent someone to hurt me.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

I hope you're in a better position now 💜

Thanks so much for the video! I'm now two years about from an abusive relationship. My abusive ex's version of the accusation of "negative energy" was expressed through the phrase "Other people's drama" - blaming me and others for causing them problems. My ex viewed themself as the passive victim of negative emotion/events from others in their life. They reacted very angrily when I said that they themself contributed to the "drama" in their life - that was an intolerable thought and they insisted it was a problem of mine that I needed to talk to my therapist about. They would do and say and believe anything to not recognize their own role and their behaviors that harm others (this did not go well for them in court). And speaking of my therapist who they insisted I see, that therapist heard me innocently describing our relationship and the problems I was "causing" for my ex and began to educate me about emotional abuse, gaslighting, and red flags.

toxic positivity is also big in the charismatic christian movement was exposed to a lot of religious trauma and grew up witnessing a lot of domestic violence at home

This rings so true to me on two levels, the first being undiagnosed autistic and the second having escaped from a new age cult that heavily pushed „positivity“ and „you attract what energy you put out“. I am glad you have managed to extricate yourself from toxic positivity.

not exactly relevant to the abuse part, but when a doctor or therapist recommends "don't go to work / try to reduce stress" it's absurd that they can't like, prescribe us money to actually enable that. kind of makes the whole suggestion worthless

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

In a functioning society you would get paid time off if a doctor recommends it. Because yes, the suggestion is meaningless without that. In Germany you can get paid time off if you're feeling burned-out & subsidised spa days 🤷‍♀️

My parents were into toxic positivity stuff, and it hurt me a lot during growing up. When I was bullied at school, they told me a story about the rose along the lines of "you are beautiful as you are, do not believe people who says overwise". And while it sounds good, it was not what I needed (I needed someone to acknowledge my pain, not to tell me to get better at being indifferent to my bullies' insults). And when I tried to tell my parents this, they got frustrated that I did not appreciate their great advice. So yeah, I totally understand how toxic positivity leads to unhealthy relationships and lack of true empathy. I am so happy that you left that guy and changed your attitude!!!

Such a difficult story to share, I'm sorry that you had that experience. It takes so much courage to talk about our abuse and our abusers. And you did it in a way that was mindful of your viewers, many of us with similar stories...

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

I'm glad it came across as sensitive to the topic, thank you.

I have been thinking about this video a lot since I watched it. Toxic positivity rears it's ugly head in so many places. In the nonmonogamy world, there's this huge emphasis on trying to "own your shit" which on the surface I agree with but sometimes can be twisted into very toxic and sometimes abusive attitudes. Like relationship anarchists who say boundaries are ultimatums and controlling or that if someone feels jealousy it demonstrates how insecure they are (even if the reason they may be experiencing jealousy is that their partner is being neglectful in the relationship). This is a very important video. I'm glad you made it and I'm also so glad you're safe now.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you Mandy. I might have emphasised more that mostly intentions are good, but that's exactly why we need to discuss the limitations of this mindset. It's not universally applicable & when people try to make it so, harm is done. So glad you get it & thanks again for sharing 💜

Thank you for this. My ex wasn't even into toxic positivity, but boy howdy did your story resonate with mine anyway. Lived with similar abuse for a couple years. Could see where it came from, which made it easier to excuse. Got to be too much, and I left twice. I couldn't stay mad but I could stay away, and eventually I did.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

thank you for your comment & i'm happy you managed to stay away x

Thank you for sharing your (sadly, very recognisable) story from a place of vulnerability and strength and openness. And sadness too, because there is a place for that as well. Positivity has its value; so do other moods and emotions.

Glad to hear you're doing better now. This is a real important topic.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks Willow 💜

Over the last few days I watched almost all of your videos and they're awesome! I've had my run-in with New Age positivity and the enabling of abuse inherent to it, though thankfully on a limited scale. I'm glad that you're doing well and are able to speak about it in an educational manner. There are so many cults and cult-adjacent philosophies out there and some are way too normalized as "harmless" self-help advice.

@Ember_Green

Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much!

Wow, what a powerful video. It's brave to criticize something that's "good". Who wants to frown, right? Who wants to waste time thinking of bad memories? I once had a short relationship with a guy who thought he was an expert of the mind. Many things you said in this video reminded me of him. "Aww you still have that negativity in you" was such a common comment. And I believed I was broken, which was more negativity right there that needed to be fixed. Etc, etc. I also did fear thinking of wrong things in case I would manifest chaos. Now I think I actually was once broken, but that's understandable given all the things I had been through since childhood! I did give up and crashed down hard. I had to rebuild myself, with the help of therapy, tons of time, actual peace and safety, some meds, and people who don't constantly tell me I'm flawed. I may be "odd" now, but my life is better than ever in its simplicity. I'm largely past constantly worrying about what other people think about me. And all thoughts are okay. Including sad and chaotic thoughts. It's what we do that makes the difference.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing that story. Well done on making it through. "who thought he was an expert of the mind" did make me giggle, I've met a few of them 😑

@l.landren544

2 жыл бұрын

@@Ember_Green You're welcome, and thank you. I think this phenomenon needs a lot more attention than it's getting.

It was good to hear about your story, I can't relate to it, when I was younger I was attacked a lot at Primary and Secondary school even some of the teachers hated me so much, I used to say I hate people. I'm older now and I still shudder when people are around, I'm around your age and this must sound silly. I would like to develop a relationship, expect I keep thinking I would get attacked.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

I'm sorry you had those experiences, I can empathise with them somewhat myself. I hope you can find whatever peace means for you x

Thank you for sharing all this, I am glad that you are now safe and happy! I was in a similar relationship in my mid twenties, about 20y ago. As a man, and a man from eastern Europe I had no idea what was happening to me, we are taught that men are strong and can't exhibit hurt, pain or any emotion. Thus they cannot be abused, or else they're not real men. It took me years to realize that I was in an abusive relationship. I was lucky to get out and find a partner who loved and supported me. I can still feel the first time I had a loving hand on my shoulder, standing up for me. It changed my life. I have been binge-watching your videos, I am learning so much about so many things. I am a sis, neuro-typical man, so there is a lot still that I need to understand. Thank you for your work!

Positivity psychology was something my community jammed down my throat. They said I would understand it more as I grew up; but, as I did the idea instead slowly festered into a horrid realization that these people were so privileged that no matter how good willed they were, they could be exceptionally dangerous without ever realizing or sweating it.

people always make you feel like it's just you willfully refusing to feel happy for no reason, thank you for saying something about this!

This is a really important video. Glad to hear you’re safe and happy now. Toxic positivity is something that is a real red flag for me now. I’ve been in cultic groups before. Have you read Barbara Ehrenreich’s Brightsided? That book was important for me. Also do you know the conspirituality podcast?

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

i read a bit of Brightsided for my video on The Secret, but have never heard of the podcast, thanks for the tip! and for the comment!

Looking at the silver lining and being positive can be very useful. "Can" being the operative word. Other times it is silencing. Advice is contextual, and any idea, if made dogma, can be used for misuse and abuse.

This certainly made me think about the last boyfriend I had... he wasn't physically abusive, but he was psychologically and financially abusive... much like your ex he too put the burden on me and told me every single ex he had was the bad person; our mutual roommate on the other hand explained what he knew from one of those exes and I was suspicious of the information... until my ex discarded me in the middle of a shared apartment lease after a year of being unemployed. When I have shared my story, or get reminded of often traumatic events from my past... I get told that I'm living in the past or I'm letting my past control me and certainly get told while living through current painful situations that I need to think positively. After what I have experienced, I arrive at the same conclusion that you had regarding the potential toxicity of positive psychology. That bit of history regarding the topic of positivity just makes it sound that much more insidious... after just hearing about the doctrine of discovery this year (which was never taught in a history class I had), I am certainly forming patterns in my head. I'm glad that you are okay now. If I may ask, how long did it take to recover emotionally and psychologically from that relationship?

I'm really glad you're safe and okay now. This was a very interesting video, I hadn't really considered this in this context before. But of course, it makes complete sense. I think that it goes along with the people who told me for years to try various toxic positivity things to get over my anxiety and depression (and also gaslit me to believe that my physical symptoms from POTS and my other chronic illnesses were "just" anxiety). I think it's why movements like cripple punk are so important. Cripple punk was created to show that physically disabled people (like me) don't have to be perfect to receive help. We can be addicts and not exercise everyday and we can smoke and drink and eat unhealthily and still be deserving of help and still be valid in our identities. There's a lot of pressure on disabled people (not just physically disabled people too) to be perfect. We are held to unreasonable standards of exercise, eating healthily, having a perfect sleep schedule, etc otherwise obviously it's our fault we're disabled. It's the same rhetoric people use when they turn their nose up at homeless people as though it's that person's fault. It's their moral failing somehow and not what it actually is: bad luck and society having failed that person. We're all one or two bad days away from being disabled or homeless and even if we weren't it's no excuse to treat people like garbage or like their situation is their fault. I'm disabled and I exercise 3 times a week, I drink 3 litres of water a day, I eat what I'm supposed to (mostly), I take my medication everyday, I go to all my doctors, I get enough sleep. I do all the things I'm supposed to do and yet I'm still disabled. And I still don't deserve respect in the eyes of a lot of people. I don't know, sorry for rambling off my head on an only vaguely related topic, I'm autistic and politics and stuff is one of my special interests. I found your channel today and I really like your content.

@pavelandreev4727

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing this, I didn't know about cripple punk, will check it out. Be careful with so much water, add a beer here and there, even a non-alcoholic one. Cheers!

@oli_kate

Жыл бұрын

@@pavelandreev4727 I drink at least half my water intake via rooibos tea lol

@pavelandreev4727

Жыл бұрын

@@oli_kate Well then, more beer for me 😅

Toxic positivity kept me blind in my abusive relationship. Seeing things like 'every relationship has fights' 'fights aren't between you and your partner, it's between you and your family the problem' 'you shouldn't react angrily/give silent treatment/etc...' All these things convinced me that what was happening in my relationship was fine, and that if we kept having these happy moments then it couldn't be that bad right? If I kept communication clear it should be fine, if we put in effort it should be fine, if I stopped getting angry and instead listened and had a conversation it should be fine, right? Expect, in an abusive relationship these things weren't fine. Me giving silent treatment was me trying to find some sort of reaction to stop the abuse, me reacting angrily and not having this open communication was because I was being abused. This idea that if I kept doing these things right and we could still have happy moments and open communication then everything should be fine, and since everyone saw our relationship as nice and perfect I couldn't even realize what was happening, when trying to talk out about my relationship people would just react with oh you need to try talking about this, oh but you guys have such a nice relationship you should try to keep it

Thank you very much to be this brave and sharing your history, I just came out from an abuse relationship after having my formal diagnosis Autism/ADHD at the beginning of this year, I’m starting my life from scratch but happier than ever. Now I know and understand the way I am from a place of compassion. I’m glad you are happy now! Thank you ❤

What I've heard from Seligman about positive psychology doesn't sound like that you described in the video. He has specifically said that positive psychology isn't concerned with treating psychological issues. It is focused on helping people who already have mental parity increase their happiness. I've never seen positive psychology be focused on materialism either. Seligman himself says that material prosperity does not equate to happiness beyond the level of basic needs being met. That said, everything else you said I find spot on. I think your experience with law of attraction teachings influenced your view of positive psychology. I get it. I was in those circles for decades. I'm a former New Thought minister. New Thoughters have begun talking about toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing in recent years. The problem is that New Thought philosophy is rotten at the core. So, trying to make it better with an understanding of toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing doesn't actually make it better. No amount of positive thinking will put money in your pocket or good relationships in your life. You have to take appropriate action. And for many they're going to have to do some shadow work to heal their traumas and faulty thinking that keeps them from taking action. They may even need to learn new coping and decision making skills too. Someone who was in an abusive relationship had been told by a "manifestation coach" that she manifested the abuse and she could manifest the abuse away. I said, "You sure can!...by taking action to leave that relationship." She was floored because everyone else was telling her to visualize, affirm, and meditate and it would somehow magically change her partner. I told her what acting as if really means. I told her to act like the best version of herself. "If you were your best self and the kids of person who attracts good relationships, would you even choose this man, let alone want him." She said, "No." And she knew what she needed to do. I was raised by a religious narcissist. That whole foregiveness thing is simply bad advice. I dont believe in it.

I sadly can relate to that, although with opposite roles. But then - I don‘t hink that sex or gender have any deeper relations with whether somebody can be abusiv. My exwife was strongly abusive in all but physical ways. This english sentence means all ways but not physical, right? Well, she never hit me, but was abusive in every else shape or form possible. That was before I knew I was neurodivergent, where I blamed myself for all the flaws I had, all the bad things, she had to deal with, when I was there. And then she was so unbelievably jealous on everybody else. My colleagues of any sex and gender, my friends, my computer, my hobbies. She isolated me from all of this, although she knew how hard it was for me to get in contact with people - again one of my flaws… I am so sorry, that you had to deal with that. :( but thank you for your strength and for sharing your experience.

It is taking a great deal of restraint to not vent about these topics right now... but.. I've taken quite a few deep breaths and am just going to say thank you for this episode and your channel

The violence of these systems is brutal. Boba, meanwhile, is chaos

A very well done video. I've had issues with the ideas of positive psychology and that manifestation stuff purely from a materialistic perspective. I hadn't really ever thought about how well it plays into the hands of abusers. On a completely unrelated note: the person that made the "Do not give up" picture at 27:55 has definitely never played scrable.

Thank you so much for this video. I finally successfully fled an abusive relationship very similar to yours earlier this week, but have been feeling guilty and unsure of myself.. This helps boost my resolve. Your work is really valuable

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

This week? Oh my goodness, congratulations & I hope that you have all the support you need! Thank you for sharing this, it made it all worthwhile 💜

By a coincidence, I was just reading a book regarding consequences of cultural focus on virtues and positive thinking when I found this video. BTW, the book is: Isabel V. Hull - Absolute Destruction: Military Culture and the Practices of War in Imperial Germany.

Positivity has been a lifesaver for me, but it has its limits and those aren't talked about enough. The way I think of it (and I could be wrong) is that your circumstances dictate the range of wellbeing that is possible for you, and positivity can increase the wellbeing you experience within that range, but it can't increase your range. To increase your range, your circumstances would need to change. (An example from my own life: positivity helped me survive the years where I was helpless to escape my abuser, but it could not heal me or prevent the abuse. In order to be truly healthy, I needed to be out of that situation, but that doesn't mean positivity had no purpose while I was in it.)

Thank you so much. I have learned to be thankful, but I am glad I have also realized, I should not be thankful for everything. I should be open with people and try to connect with their spirit, but not EVERY one, probably very little amount of people. I should be happy, but it should make sense why and its ok not to be happy even if that will last forever. Time spent with the wrong things, means it wasnt spent with the right things.

Thank you for your story. I have a similar history. It's comforting in a way to know that there is unfortunately many people who share this story but there is hope because more people are speaking out and properly contextualizing their experiences. I'm sorry for what you went through but I'm very happy that you are now in a better spot.

Your ex sounds like my dad. I'm sorry you went through that. It really sucks having to walk on eggshells like that.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks, and you too.

i'm kind of going through some stuff so i'm gonna come back to this one another time. leaving a comment for the algorithm gods, and just to say thanks for the content! even if i can't stomach it right now, i know it'll be a good listen later. 💜✴️

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for the comment 😊 the algorithm gods will surely look down on me with favour! I hope things work out for you 💜

Your cat IS cute.

Great video, Ponderful! Very brave of you to tell your story like this - it's not easy no matter what the situation. The whole extreme positivity thing always creeped me out, it's not healthy or realistic. So sorry you had to go through all of that.

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks Terri!

Thank you so much for being so brave and sharing!

This is excellent, and difficult work, and I thank you for it. I'm glad you're in a better spot with it all, and have a lovely cat in your life.

Great vid! Bit of a tough watch but the shift from the desaturated to full colour when the story became more positive was a subtley brilliant way to complement that, so happy for you & to hear that resolution.

Thanks, Mica. 💖

Love this video. Very thought provoking. Glad you are safe now.

Glad you got out. Thank you for sharing.

Much love 🕉️♥️ happy to hear you're doing better

@Ember_Green

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you!

As most tools, they have a context and limitations where they are effective and how they backfire beyond those parameters. A hammer is an excellent tool, but hammering grass on a lawn instead of using a lawnmower, will destroy the lawn and the hammer and the one wielding it. Forgiveness if applied correctly, can be a very powerful instrument that can bring peace of mind for the one doing the forgiveness (the feelings and fate of the person(s) who are forgiven are irrelevant in this proces. Forgiveness can but does not have to be a reconciliation too. It's possible to forgive dead perpetrators for example, or those you must remain deliberately estranged from in "no contact" situations) . However when the instrument of forgiveness is misapplied, it's just "analysis paralysis" with a fancy name, on which the attacker correctly sees a safe space to continue their emotional, physical and or seggsual violence onto the unboundaried defenseless target of choice. Because a smart perpetrator of longterm abuse prefers targets who are safe for the abuser to abuse. Blue Beard likes secret rooms for a reason. Regarding the analysis paralysis, what more information does the victimized need, to know that the perpetrator will not stop their violence on their own. How many times does the victimized need to "forgive" the perpetrator, to see how their words on behavior change are lies, by experiencing their violence not stopping? On how to safely walk away, that's a challenge onto itself. Because abusers will throw a violent possibly stalkerish and murderous tantrum, the moment they perceive when their toys try to escape the hostage situation. But that's another story. An alternative to toxic forgiveness and self-poisoning unforgiveness, is "drop it", after having successfully escaped from the abuser(s). Live a good life with wonderful people in your family of choice, feel the emotions when occasionally flashbacks rise up, then drop it. Focus on the family of choice again. "Drop it" is an idea a writer better than me explained to me.

@MinomeEslinde

Жыл бұрын

Making someone walk on eggshells all the time, is a very effective form of abuse that is also invisible for casual bystanders, unless the bystander knows what to look for. Which in case of silent treatment, is looking for abscence, that what is not there but should be. A human doesn't see abscence of oxigen, they just faint and perish. Being forced to walk on eggshells is a form of emotional abuse that even can lead to complex ptsd, if it goes on for too long. It's very serious, but doesn't look that bad initially. It's like living next to a beautiful clear but heavily polluted radioactive river, slowly getting damaged in all organs and not seeing why. Because that's what chronic high cortisol does to the physical human body. Escape is the only option, followed by effective healing (the where and how can be hard to find) to prevent the dark phenomenon called "repetition compulsion", a trap that's so extremely common and baffles bystanders and revictimized alike.

Thank you

Thank you for this video! I study counselling, and positive psychology gets taught to us uncritically, which really bothers me. I did not know about its links to right wing conservatism though... going to be looking into that!

As a therapist, there is nothing helpful you can say to someone experiencing crippling anxiety or sadness in the moment. Nothing. But people expect you to, as if there was some sort of magic you could perform. If you say "but you're doing things" (which you're supposed to do to point out that it doesn't have to impede your actions) you're insensitive, if you say "that really sucks" you're not being helpful and if you say literally anything at all that doesn't immediately solve the anxiety, what do you even do? The truth "it sucks, but if you keep at it and don't sabotage yourself too much you will likely habituate to most situations that cause you anxiety" is not sth people want to hear for some reason. I say this as both a therapist and ex anxiety sufferer.

@laurelgardner

Жыл бұрын

The reason most people don't want to hear it is because it's not a good solution for most cases of anxiety. I find your attitude pretty incurious and frankly, misanthropic.

@ChaoticAnswers

Жыл бұрын

Your right there's nothing you can say to elevate that suffering in the moment. You must ask so you can understand the suffering and to find the source of the suffering. The significant other making her insignificant. Narcissistic abuse 101. If your trained, tell her the reality and harsh truth of the reality and her very options to deal with this intense and complicated issue. A doctor doesn't tell a terminally ill patient it's going to be fine. They tell the reality and options. Emotional up lifting is not important in such a serious situation. Narcissistic abuse surviours can be someone's entire career to help people like her. See the signs like she's displays in this video and refer such clients but honestly patients to an expert. I think domestic violence stems from these pure toxic relationships.

Narcissistic abuse is such a huge major component to domestic abuse. Prolonged abuse is 99% due to narcissistic empty people. He stole your energy. This needs to become much more know to the general public. The term sounds like an insult it is a chronic social disease that is rarely mentioned at all.

very good 👍

i was just talking to someone about the Prosperity Gospel of protestantism and, honestly, cultural Christianity in pro‐capitalist circles even if they're not Christian, and how it erodes systems of care and tries to replace it with giving everyone a god‐complex where they act like they "attracted" or "manifested" every ounce of well‐being they have. ironically, it makes gratitude impossible bc you'll never fully be thankful for the well‐being others provide you through their care and support. it ALWAYS leads to ppl catastrophizing bc they think they're only "allowed" to feel bad and out of emotional control when something absolutely horrible happens. Nothing in between. You're either manifesting well being or whatever interrupted you was catastrophic. If not, it's your fault. Ppl who follow positive psychology have zero ability to deal with everyday stressors without shaming themselves or making other's "negative energy" , in like a magical sense, into the reason for their stress

Can I get a source for the Seligman quote please? I'm not asking this because I don't believe he said it. I'm asking because I know someone who believes positive psychology(and Seligman) is the best thing since sliced bread.

oh my god...i love your cat >.< =P

@ Ponderful Take Care 🤗✨♥️✨🤗

I want to watch the video about the links too 👀👀👀

💗

your ex reminds me of those people online with a wholesome/cute persona that lash out at you when you do something minor that they don't approve of, like the animal crossing space buns incident

What a kind and wise guy really wise, not like the know-it-alls well traveled, he ate bread from many a stove understanding and mild-mannered the whole anatomy of his face was showing a slight effort his mouth: so to speak to me more wisdom and politeness his eyes: so to listen to me with more attention and courtesy yeees... I really couldn't but spit in his mug /Andrzej Bursa, 'Jaki miły i mądry facet"/

Look up Dr Ramadi. There are channels and careers a dedicated to this problem. You're expressing trauma bond.

It is only logical that a 'positive psychology' should excell in treating the healthy rather than the ill.

@kerycktotebag8164

Жыл бұрын

it doesn't excel at either

for ali

Man that story about your point of view is a victim is horrifying and then it just keeps going. Like I know The bits about how you felt very at fault and never would blame him must be a little bit exaggerated but the scariest part is that I don't actually know that they're exaggerated at all.

10:30

and has a cat

BOBA BOBA BOBA

positive psychology isn't exclusively "just be positive"-psychology tho, so this constant equating of the two seems kinda odd. also it is not like clinical psychology is any better for an abuse victim, because a lot of the time it is along the lines of abuse victim feels like they are the problem and seeks help. psychologist agrees that the victim is sick/insane. and abuser will capitalize on that being what they were saying all along. You would be royally screwed in this scenario too

Nothing to see here, I'm just feeding the algorithm ...

+

I do like the cut of your jib. I probably like your cat even more but you're OK too. Positive psychology isn't alway the same as the self-help industry bilge. Psychology was often concerned with the "abnormal". Weirdos like me. But there was a shift to studying what actually makes life worthwhile. How people can flourish. That's no bad thing although I do get what you're talking about. The self-help industry. 🤮Overcome depression in six easy steps! Then feel even more depressed because those six steps didn't work for you. It's not because you're broken beyond repair, it's because the book was a pile of pseudoscientific crap. I'm studying psychology and one of our lecturers talked of how women in an abusive relationship are often diagnosed with a mental illness. That's a natural reaction to being in such a situation. You don't have a chemical imbalance it's just that this guy is making your life miserable. I do get angry about such things. I struggle with relationships in general but I'd never be like that to someone because I know that women are people. Should be obvious. Dana dan (it's is song by Bloodywood. I completely agree.)