A lot of theses women are mothers too and the pain they cause in their children rarely discussed and mentioned compared to all those videos about the disorder itself..

The best I've ever heard it described. "She wants to hurt you not in order to hurt you but for you to have a shared experience of her pain..." hurt with me heal with me so we can bond together. It explains so many of my romantic relationships I realize now. Thankyou so much for sharing these insightful videos!

@wendi2819

Жыл бұрын

Wouldn't that type of healing be a trauma bond though?

@randymarsh9283

10 ай бұрын

😊😊😊😊😊

@randymarsh9283

10 ай бұрын

😊😊 i 😊😊

@randymarsh9283

10 ай бұрын

​@@wendi2819b😊 😊😊

@randymarsh9283

10 ай бұрын

I😊😊😊

I suffered from BPD for half my live. But change is possible! Very hard work, the right tools and ppl, and a lot of time. And when healing starts taking place, curse becomes a blessing.

Living with a borderline is like being hurled into a rollercoaster seat without a moment's warning, and it can happen over and over again without warning. It's exhausting at the least, and crazy-making at its worst. The craziest part is that the borderline acts so normal in between episodes.

@doellt4753

Жыл бұрын

You fall out. You hit the ground. Winded, far worse. The days pass. Then you think, OMG they are still in that thing driving it! Shrieking.

@jackthere

5 ай бұрын

So normal. I knew she was messed up, but I had no idea what I was actually dealing with. Harrowing.

7 months with a borderline. Both the best and most traumatic relationship of my life. In the beginning she was a princess, in the end a psychopath. The mismatch between words and actions was mindbuggeling. If treated bad, she would be clingy and do anything for love. Give her love and she will attack you. Dont even try! I was so confused in the end. Why would you go thru fire for someone who is unable to connect with you on a deep level? Its like keeping a false fantasy alive.

@stephenh1387

3 жыл бұрын

It is mind blowing: the more good things you do for them the worse they treat you. They resent that they can’t give to you. They know deep down inside they don’t deserve you. So most codependents stay with them it’s their familiar childhood that they try and fix through the borderline. Any normal person would move on at first red flag. Watch it they are dangerous people.

@ohreally1997

2 жыл бұрын

@@sheriwatson1426 @Sheri Watson This is an ignorant, and extremely bigoted, comment on multiple levels. I could cite a number of studies on BPD recovery, many of these academic papers have been made openly available to the general public and are easily accessible by google search. At minimum, I suggest listening to Vaknin's KZread video titled "Borderline's Miracle Healing" as Sam excels at handholding his audience through the material. Here's a notable excerpt: "But, actually, the prognosis for Borderline Personality Disorder is not bad at all, as we will see. By age 45, a sizable portion of patients with Borderline Personality Disorder, will have healed spontaneously and miraculously. We will not be able to diagnose the disorder in these people anymore, and the other half respond very well to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). So if you put the two together, theoretically, we can heal or cure something like 90% of Borderline patients." Beyond this point, it is ridiculous to categorize 2% of the population as a threat based on your personal experience. It completely disregards the obvious fact that, like all mental and physical health issues, there is an incredibly wide range of affliction. Not all BPD patients present equally, especially as Borderlines age and/or commit to work of wellness via therapy. Lastly, your patronizing response to another's attempt to actually understand BPD is quite telling. The desire to understand the human experience of others is the root of compassion and empathy.

@alexedwards559

2 жыл бұрын

@@ohreally1997 It's telling that one word got you all in a tizzy. So based on your info, stay away from bpd peeps until they are over 45 years old. A good amount of them have forms of narcissism and psychopathy. However, maybe mild bpd is cured by your time frames and style of psychological counseling.

@DucatiDoyle

2 жыл бұрын

Was nearly 10 yrs for me including 2 children I love. Absolutely HORRIFYING rollercoaster of “hell on earth”! Lying, 1/2 truths, horrifically false accusations, claimed abandonment, snooping, infidelity, back & forth, years of counseling for me (none for her)! Took me 2-3 yrs to find “borderline” to figure things out & I will never recover from her insanity, deception & maliciousness

@tgrogan6049

2 жыл бұрын

@@ohreally1997 Wow my borderline was 54 and not anywhere close to being healed. Drank like a fish too. No time to put up with this for me. Call me bigoted. This woman would have destroyed my life. I am in therapy after only 41 days exposure.

"Do not let her..." lol.

This might just be the best KZread video I’ve ever watched period.

I think they should re-do all the Disney movies but switch out the romantic characters with borderlines, narcissists, anti-social disorder types, and maybe throw in a few schizoids and autistic persons. Then these kids might be more ready for the dysfunctional reality of adult romance. Surrender Dorothy.

@kevinrichards113

3 жыл бұрын

This is genius

@helenhoward5346

Жыл бұрын

well, that's all well and good but kids these days see enough of that crap especially if they have single moms which is almost half of kids these days. they need realistic healthy models compared and contrasted against realistic unhealthy ones. The last thing we need is for this plan to backfire and little Sophie is imitating her favorite histrionic attractive princess in the Kroger's ok?

@rodneymolidorjr.6095

Жыл бұрын

@@helenhoward5346 I think they are doing a lot better job lately. The older ones were not very realistic at all. I especially liked "Inside Out".

@papagreco1103

Жыл бұрын

🤣

@littlelily4

Жыл бұрын

actually we should attribute their traits to the evil characters

I am a borderline female. When i was young, very young, batween the ages of 2 and up until i stopped giving the strong desperate reaction my mother wanted, my mom would play dead. She'd be gone. My mom kept dying from the age of 2 until i stopped reacting. I stopped reacting at around 8/9 years old. She enjoyed the sound of my desperate aggrieved cries when i thought shed left me. Another tactic was the silent treatment. Now as a child, when given the silent treatment by your mother, it feels like you've been deleted. You dont exist. This being a malignant narcissistic mother means there were many insults, gaslighting, verbal abuse of all sorts. All those words and emotions rang loud and heard deep in my little ears during the silent treatment. Somehow i felt enslaved, oppressed, unwanted, a defected child. I felt rejected. With came the feelings of unworthiness and shame. Now the deepest and most overwhelming emotion i felt hard and strong from the age of 7 was excruciating emotional PAIN. At 18, shame created a void of a deep EMPTINESS.

@ludelkri

4 ай бұрын

I am so sorry for the pain you've experienced in your life. I've never heard of a parent playing dead to their child, that's mind-boggling and plain horrifying. People are often cruel in the way they speak of people suffering from BPD, because of the ways they've been hurt by them. I hope you don't feel ashamed by the diagnosis, knowing how you've been set up by your mother to have these problems. I pray that you learn self-love to the point that you no longer have the fear of being unwanted or unworthy. I pray that you find peace and the past mistreatment will no longer sting when you remember it. I hope that you find people who will treat you gently.

@p.m.williams3142

4 күн бұрын

I'm so very sorry you experienced such unimaginable horror. You deserved NONE of this trauma. The earth knows your terror and honors your bravery. God bless you and be well.

Admittedly being with a borderline is a lot of hard work, since you are pretty much responsible for her emotional regulation and sense of self. And in a way the intimate partner can help the borderline become themselves and their own person, but only if the borderline is aware enough to accept this task and responsibility. However, it can be very rewarding and an extremely enriching relationship if both parties put the hard work in. Borderlines didn’t choose to be like this. It seems even worse if they act infantile but you have to be patient…

@ChornaRealEstate

Жыл бұрын

thank you for ONE KIND RESPONSE in the sea of meanness and judgement!

@sofiya90

Жыл бұрын

@@ChornaRealEstate if people dont understand you its because they dont want to understand. Its the same thing with yourself as well. Everyone is just trying to get revenge on others for what someone else did to them. Remember that you can get better for yourself and for others.

@6drk6mrc6

11 ай бұрын

But, trust is a big issue when they lie and went hot/cold cycles. When they grow distant, I can't be sure if they are cyber-romancing. Because it seems like what they do in my case.

@yamistawattimeisit8575

10 ай бұрын

It's hard to deal with a person you know is sick when they push/pull and cheat. I tried everything to help my wife. In the end I got discarded. I know she will try to get back with me, but the trauma she has done is too much.

@drc4563

10 ай бұрын

Wonderful comment. Problem is most are not aware or refuse to acknowledge this or seek help. I have been in a relationship with one who has teh quiet form for nearly 20 years. For 18 years i put up with this. Was a caretaker and probably codependent. But then it got too much and I found myself and boy have things been volatile since. I had to in order to retain my sense of self and self esteem. I was about to lose this. Not sure we’ll survive TBH. So very sad.

I am a Borderline and I just wanted to say just listening to you calms me instantly (even the accent calms me, lol). I don't know why, but it does. Maybe because you have BPD pegged so perfectly, so many do not understand. How nice. Sweet relief. I go to your channel and randomly pick a video, and I immediately feel comforted. No one, not my family, not my husband, not friends,. Iterally no one has shown any curiosity, care or concern for what I am experiencing, so I suffer in silence. No insurance and I am homeless at the moment so I can't see my psychologist. I feel like I have seen him listening to you. You get it. Keep explaining us, we are paying attention. 👍

@Sinner1660

Жыл бұрын

Kimberlyni have bpd and have had much therapy over years for it. If you're still struggling like that, I've also been homeless and on class As, clean now, I wouldn't usually say this but am here if you want support from a like minded sufferer. Hit me up if you want to by replying here. No obligation either.... but seriously. Don't be alone.

@ann-sylvianalule305

4 ай бұрын

​@Sinner1660 I'm another like minded sufferer ..

I've ruined so many friendships and relationships with people I care about. I don't want to hurt anyone or make a fool of myself. It makes so much sense now. I have vivid memories of violent fights between my parents where one of them would always leave and at such a young age I was and still are traumatized that I'd never see one of them again. Now I'm always traumatized to lose anyone in my life, I hate what and how I've acted to other's. I want to be accountable and better. These videos taught me a lot about myself, I'm grateful I've found your work. Thank you. Just FYI I'm a 25 year old male.

Me and my current girlfriend boderline were on the road in the Atacama desert and then she asked me to stop the car, I did, so she turned up the car stereo and turned the headlights on full volume, she climbed on the hood of my car and took off clothes while dancing. borderlines do these crazy things they drive men crazy in every way : love hate fury they make men awaken in them a sense of protection they are angelic, eternal young they are a devil sometimes. they are free but if they feel they have been rejected or feel envy they destabilize their own emotions but it doesn't last long. they will addict you! I think they are the best women of course I also have a certain narcissism too

@justcoffeeforme

11 күн бұрын

Same here. She turned up the music and got on the roof dancing extremely provocatively. She is an absolute joy.

So much work! You have to be a Saint and a therapist at the same time to endure this. Send them to a real professional and tell them to come back in 10 years

@markeric1337

Ай бұрын

Prof. Sam Viknin is a self-professed narcissist. He says that quite a lot. He is very amazing at his research and expressing it well. But Borderlines and Narcissists are often drawn to each other. they are brother and sister personality disorders. So they counter each other's hollowness and sociopathy. The narcissist can control and the BPD actually becomes the caretaker. But it's a shared delusion and it all comes crumbling down as this reality dawns on them. There was a documentary of Vaknin being a narcissist. In one interview he is with his wife. They ask him if he feels love for his wife (a BPD). He said he has a certain affection for her, like one might have for a pet. 🤨 US non-personality disordered people whom the BPD might cling to recognize and feel all the horror of the reality of being caged in the disturbing BPD's grip. The narcissist simply doesn't care what the BPD does because they switch into the delusion of being better than everyone, and simply don't care about the BPD person or what they think, they simply enjoy the constant drama that distracts them from the empty chasm where we healthy folk have feelings. The BPD finds refuge from their own lack of identity, as the delusion of the narc never falters. and that it is at least an identity to fill their empty chasm. that sucks for both of them, but that's about as much as they deserve in this world. . This is why he talks of being able to control the BPD with much glee. He's aware this is a meaningless life of delusion though, but doesn't mention it in his videos. He is after all a narc. . Just empty people with pets and false identities.

@asiamayne

18 күн бұрын

They still will be borderline tf

To late, relationship already went up in a mushroom cloud, 6-months and I am still missing her. I wish I had seen your video earlier. There may still be hope, but this is the longest no-contact we have had over the 9 years. She rarely verbalized what she was going through. Exactly, she said herself that she had difficulty with memory and learning. I had suggested journaling, which she never did. Oh yes paranoia and accused me of the most ridiculously insane things. I am so sorry I did not have these tools in my kit when she was present.

@TobaccoPancake

2 ай бұрын

How are you doing now?

If you truly know about BPDs, you'll know that it comes in 3 tiers. 1st tier, which is usually in youth, is the most imbalanced. Volatile is the best word to describe it. 2nd phase is usually the era where they start seeking help. They're usually on their 2nd marriage, shattered career or their umpteenth job. Many crisis have been experienced by this point. Family are on eggshells. 3rd phase is usually entered by midlife and a handful of years of therapy en tow. And maybe spontaneous healing happens (massive consequential thinking or more grounded lifestyle changes happens, such as raising a child or pursuing a passion or using a talent). However, like SV has stated, the behaviors many times stay. Its exhausting. Family relationships barely get fixed and the emptiness never truly goes away. Also, by this point - in 3rd tier - a support system is in place, family and others are aware and a diagnosis is in place, etc. But SV is correct- communication is Key.

I also used to massage her forehead when she started getting emotional. It didn't solve anything in the long run but it did calm her down a lot on the moment.

@angelalauren

Ай бұрын

That’s so sweet. 🙂

Thank you Dr. Vaknin! I suffer from BPD and I have learned so much from your work.

@marionk.1278

3 жыл бұрын

You obviously don’t have the slightest clue.

@rebeccacatbug5654

3 жыл бұрын

adil chaudhry You should try to open your eyes and get closer to the screen then... because it seems like you don't have a clue about how lving with bpd affects the person who suffers fom it

@Jjj21574

2 жыл бұрын

@@adilchaudhry3272 super ignorant comment, do you not want people to heal? BPD is just a type of psychological wound that is deep and causes bad effects in an individual.

Let's not forget, these videos are to encourage understanding not judgement. We ALL have qualities about us that are challenging to others

@timsaunders8989

Жыл бұрын

I like this sentiment. Very difficult to hold, when one is in devaluation. In addition possibly harmful. However very good point and an important yet dissonant point for those who love borderlines. Thank you. 😊

@Sasha1661_

Жыл бұрын

Bingo! Bc the title has me like 😬

@PhoenixSsmi

10 ай бұрын

@@sneakerhead567 It's all bullshit regardless of it's source. The human experience isn't a picnic for anyone. Character is built thru the learning of tolerance via understanding. I don't seek to persuade others to have the same opinion as me nor the same feelings that I do. God Bless

Prayer… forgiveness saved me from suicide, my life has blossomed. I know Sam Vaknin does not pursue religion, because he is grandiose. But it worked for me :)

I'm a borderline that's becoming a reiki practicioner and when the treatment broke the illusion I was living in, I've became disabled with PMDD and have cried for a year now on and off. Lost my ability to feel music. He is right in saying if we face who we are we wouldn't survive because i feel like im dying literally. Body is breaking down. It's not because of facing who I am though even though that's hard e.g.. realising I'm a people pleaser. But it's what people have done to me for 30 years. Psychological & emotional abuse that's made me into someone that enables people to disrespect me & boundarys where I do nothing until i split which I see as me having a moment of facing what i brush under the carpet so i blow. Knowing I've not honered myself & the people who say they love me abuse me. What I'm not surviving is seing relationships for what they are. (Being only ok if I shrink myself, no boundary, no love, codependancy, a illusion ) bpd for me is reaction to emotional abuse. Splitting is me facing what i suppress all at once where I assume that the person must be a narcassist given information. So I rage as im dealing with a psychopath in my mind) pmdd makes me face the truth. The more my emotionally abusive bf heals the less the pmdd makes me think hes bad. We attract narcassistic people so we will act accordingly. 30 years of fighting peoples gaslighting & tactics that is unconscious in them. And making sure I don't become a hypocrite fighting against what I'm guilty of myself.

@tcsa9961

Жыл бұрын

You are not alone🕊 any change breaks habits and patterns. Get up and repeat. Your relationship with yourself fix 1st all day everyday 🙏🏼

@tcsa9961

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing

@bloom_meister9541

Жыл бұрын

Always the victim...

@theeemaven

Жыл бұрын

@@bloom_meister9541 I shouldn't entertain you, & yet: I was moved by her comment & then enter, you 🙄 & NOW, I am feeling fiercely loyal to the original commenter, though i dont know either of you, i can see clearly that you are needing to adjust that stick up your arse, & learn some manners or common decency. It's quite gross, to scavenge the internet, looking to kick someone in a moment of vulnerability. It's not cute. Did it make you feel better? (This is intended as rhetorical question). Take care

@theeemaven

Жыл бұрын

@@bloom_meister9541 also, she was very self aware here. Take notes.

I'm speechless. . . . Over the course of the last 50 minutes: Sam just completely described every aspect of a two year relationship I was immersed in with a flight attendant.

@JohnDoe-id1es

3 жыл бұрын

@@petemorton8403 wow, and i thought I had it rough. Sorry, Brother. I hope you can heal...

@Gorrano985

3 жыл бұрын

@@petemorton8403 wow thats rough man. I still carry wounds but no where near that.Hold on and good luck in there bro

@virginiaandrade8009

3 жыл бұрын

Given that occupation it really makes sense. Being able to do anything has to fit in a specific window and if that can't be met I can imagine the fits thrown. It's such a destabilizing job, I really can't imagine it being a good fit for a bpd

@michaelbaker8284

2 жыл бұрын

Travel nurses, strippers. I am sure there are a few other occupations that attract these women.

@jetpilot3714

2 жыл бұрын

I thought you knew to avoid flight attendants to begin with.😊 I’ve been involved with several FAs myself but was lucky enough to get out of it unscathed. Hooked up with a non-crewmember though which is what brings me to the doctors work. Best of luck to you.

Its beyond exhausting to be with a borderline. I don't know if i find a treasure or poison at the end of the rainbow...

Yes very addictive! After 4 relationships with BPD women it’s hard to go back to the less intense love of a more stable person. It’s such a balance..is the amazing pure love worth the energy it takes to maintain the relationship & yourself? Still don’t know the answer to that but damn I’ve been to the stars & the gutter many times

I find the similarities between BPD and heightened RSD in ADHD mixed with long term exposure to trauma like C-PTSD quite astonishing, to say the least. Similarities of symptoms listed below. _Please debate with me & don't hate on me_ I'm curious about this. *BPD:* Borderline Personality Disorder _Emotional dysregulation + Impulsiveness + All or nothing + Expecting rejection + Rejection sensitivity + People pleasing + Anxiety + Distressed dissociations + Distorted lens + Panic/anger attacks + Reassurance relying + Trust issues + Addictions + Obsessions_ *ADHD:* Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder _Emotional Dysregulation + Impulsiveness + All or nothing_ *RSD:* Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria _Expecting rejection + Rejection sensitivity + People pleasing + Anxiety + Distressed dissociations + Distorted lens + Panic/anger attacks + Reassurance relying + Trust issues + Addictions + Obsessions_ Fear of rejection, criticism, inadequacy, deception and isn’t being abandoned by someone actually the worst kind of rejection there is? *Unstable self-image:* This becomes an *RSD* issue if you're more invested in constantly trying to please others than to discover who you are as an individual. _tastes, likes, dislikes, values, beliefs etc._

@hambulance

Жыл бұрын

I have ADHD and RSD, I married and had a child with a woman who has BPD and OCD. We got locked down together over COVID, 1/2 truths, 100 white lies a day, gaslighting, manipulation, intermittent reinforcement, cycles of ideation and vilification, I saw the psychopathy many times, it felt sadistic. Then I left. It was a perfect storm of pain and disaster, pushed me to the absolute breaking point. She took custody of my child and created false accusations, spread rumor's throughout my work networks and friends, destroyed me financially. The loss of time with my daughter has been the most painful experience of my life. I would rather be beaten by a gang of men with baseball bats, than go through the pain this woman can cause. I do understand SV's points here, we are now divorced and we have started talking again. I feel tempted to see if reconciliation is possible, Sometimes I feel strong enough to deal with it, sometimes, it feels too much. I wish that our family could have worked.

Thank you Prof. Vaknin for another great video. The devaluation stage is an incredibly hard thing to deal with when you know the person inflicting the damage actually loves you behind it all. That alone made me leave for good. It's a very dangerous situation to be in

@kdsalinas88

3 жыл бұрын

I feel horrible about the things I told my boyfriend and said about him. Were recovering after a rough several years due to me not knowing I was a Borderline and my actions from my mental state... Its hard trying to get him to understand that even though I was talking crap and this and that, If you look past the face value you can see the hurt and frustration because I love him and at the time felt I was being rejected and denied. It sucks...its been difficult...

@brianp1175

3 жыл бұрын

I completely understand what you are saying and have witnessed it from the other side(I am not perfect by any stretch btw!!!). Ultimately the instability and sometimes violent nature of an otherwise amazing relationship, just like Sam describes, forced me to leave. And it broke 2 hearts in the process.

@frankshanks9726

Жыл бұрын

Borderlines do not love you. It’s impossible to love someone without object constancy or sense of self.

@smokeytopaz6101

Жыл бұрын

Actually, with people with BPD, there’s a possibility they never really loved you at all. No that hurts.

@tugnormoustuglicous1303

4 ай бұрын

They don't love u geez red pill dude

I am all the cluster Bs , at times. This all situational based. But currently medically diagnosed BPD. This video really helped me understand some conflicts ive ran into , in regards to seeking the right treatment. Ive always known I was different then other people, like all people all the time. when I was young I could not control my emotional reactions to good or bad. And only felt comfortable talking animals or plants and stuff. I remember there was a snail in the same spot for 2 days of recess and it was my friend. On the third day I went to see it so excited and a boy came up and said " oh is that your friend?" I remember feeling warmth through my whole body anxious to ask him if he wants to help me name it. Before I could get the words out , he stepped on him , laughed and said not no more. I was so upset stairing at the crushed shell floating on the soft shiny body , the warmth I felt started quickly turn fire that caused me run into the classroom pick up a metal chairdesk that I had intended on and wanted to hurt him with. It was extream. Pretty much after that anykind of animal abuse caused sch rage I couldn't control myself. I couldn't escape animal abuse as a child so I turned to drugs , then put in rehab diagnosed bipolar. I knew I hated people and i knew I was capable of bad things. I suppressed and numbed to cope not caring to know exactly whats wrong with me. I had a baby some years later that is 20 now and burdened with the caretaking of me. His arrival was what sparked my interest in being aware, well and acting fair. my therapy taught me alot and had me getting lots of answers. for several years I thought i was struggling with addiction and mpd , got the addiction under control and certain behavors persisted. I was confused and convinced I was a phycopath , then thought I was scitzophenic , delusional , shoot I didn't know. well 2 years ago I was diagnosed borderline during the same time of leaving a abusive toxic marriage ( abusive from both parties ) . This opened up alot of doors for me but still looking for answers. stuff has gotten so rough these days that that the phycopathy is making me nervous of myself. i'm sayining " If it wasn't for empathy towards animals i know id be a phycopath thinking great ok except that i am crazy but have constant hrt feelings. WHAT!!!! Feelings , So now I cant even do crazy right. haha.. But no, this diagnosis theory of yours has actually helped me in such a significant way that gave me hope for my loved ones. I agree that BPD is a undeveloped narcissist for sure and as well as agree with all cluster B being a form of BPD. Heres my conclusion of my curcumstance, maybe will help your data. I believe that through addiction , lack of education , exposure to sexual , mental and animal abuse by my parents and their people I became isolated and seeking connection , my animal hording was a problem with my family so , animals naturally was where this connection was sought out. Totally normal reaction from a child in this situation but destined to become a narcissistic phyco if left there for life.... Well I believe that the disruption in this narcasistic personality came about with the birth of my child. I knew i couldn't be shut down because i have to care because this strong urge to protect my offspring was very very strong... I did love him I knew that because Ive been battling this because loving him brings up complex emotions because Ive lost control when people hrt him...That happens a lot with kids in school so I had to detatch in ways. But I think im a type 2 phyco and believe the BPD symptoms are a confusion between biological drive , emotional conditioning and abuse. Anyway , hope my sharing helps Your shares have really helped me.

@p.m.williams3142

4 күн бұрын

Thank you for sharing these horrors. You deserve only the purest happiness and contentment in life. You deserved NONE of this trauma. The earth honors your bravery and may God bless and keep you.

Already lost my sanity for a whole year trying to please a pwBPD, rather love and pray for her from a distance.

You need to live the borderline. No one has to deal with crazy and / or abuse. Life is too short, and you don't owe them.

Getting involved with someone with borderline traits will give you some golden moments in love but you need to be Dr Sam Vanakin at all other times. Let me put what Dr Sam said in worldly sense. 1)Love is irreplacable. They can have a healing touch. Emotionally as well as physically. You will crave for more. This makes you addicted to the subject. 2) the distorted reality and paranoia implicates you most of the times. You would be left confused and would be defending yourself half of the time. 3) They would be unreasonable, acting like emotional fools, childlike with no sense of responsibility. 4) Sometimes you'd like it if they go out of their way to help a puppy, but next day they'd be found extending their empathy to an ex who has successfully manipulated his way back in. 5) You would be constantly insecure about whether you are able to keep them reassured or not. But like Dr Sam said they could go on a reckless flirting spree with no consideration for your emotions. The rules you imposed on yourself have no meaning to them. You'd feel anger, guilt and confusion. 6) You will get acknowledgement for your pain and sometimes even apology but the next day would be the same again. You guessed it right. My story. I say not worth it. Go for it if you have had a stable life and want to experience and manage the rollercoaster. But if you have had enough on your plate, you are going to regret it. I choose peace.

@samvaknin

2 жыл бұрын

Vaknin.

@GuyVinmara

Жыл бұрын

Exactly. I want to share my life with someone I love, not with someone I look at as a frustrating rubik's cube that I have to scramble and re-solve every day. Life is already a challenge full of problems I need to solve. I need a teammate to help me challenge life, not each other.

Incredible work, Mr Vaknin. The descriptions of borderline character, are subtle and comprehensive. I can feel your emotion at the end of the video. And it shows your love, for borderline women, that I share with you.

@samvaknin

Жыл бұрын

Vaknin.

@christianlomakin8926

Жыл бұрын

​​​​​​​​@@samvakninThanks. Correction made. I had a marvelous relation with a borderline woman, exactly as you describe. In the end, she was unstable, and when she noticed I was going to discover it, she decided to cheat, and walk away. Everything you said is real, even for women on the other side of the globe.

I have learned more from you in three days of watching your videos than I have listening to so called gurus for the past 2 yrs. Thank you sir!! You are Brillaint.!! I also think you are a legend for surviving around borderline women for 35 yrs!!

Sam , this is a great video. Beautiful and terrifying. So Informative and has a kindness running through it. Thank you.

I can’t tell you how much this video has helped me and how many times I’ve watched it as a result. I am a woman with dissociative BPD and years of therapy, in love with an untreated borderline male who is about to enter treatment. I would say he has traits of both the classic and the covert borderline. He definitely has a primary psychopath side that comes out when he is not taking care of himself and I’m not in town. Drinking too much, making his bar his homebase and driving drunk and who knows what else. His face changes when he is in this place. It’s scary. He’s not violent with me. He lies (strange lies with certain “tells” that I’ve picked up on over the years that make me know he’s lying). I’m not even sure how much he believes his lies. Or if he sometimes believes them and then doesn’t, at a later time. He has successfully gaslit me once- what a wild feeling to question your own reality. He will punish terribly and sadistically and I don’t even have to know about it. When Im to be made aware of it- it’s going to be quite a show. Almost an operatic punishment performance- like when I discovered his other woman and left him and he blocked me on his phone, and the next night took his other woman to bars all night, her tagging him in their locations and putting story lives of him on her drinking together on her FB page all night. He never came home that night. He always comes home. If I demand too much from him, move too far away, or attack his worth in some way, he is off making me “feel how it feels” even if I have no clue it’s happening. Once I was out of town and didn’t reply to his “I miss you” text and he brought a woman home and slept with her in our bed and made the rest of the house hear it and hold that secret from me. This woman was a secret on the side for over a year of our relationship. He didn’t love her, enjoy her sex or even like her. But she adored him. So she would be the anxiety reliever. When we would break up, he would leave her/ no use anymore for her. On his phone I discovered how, when we would fight, we would contact her. Once I yelled “go wish her a good morning with your positive attitude” because he was ignoring me and I was too engulfing and dysregulating. Only weeks later, I saw that he did it. He had texted her in that moment and wished her a positive morning. Calling her my pet name in the text. I never knew about it. It was a punishment for me and I didn’t even have to know about it. Honestly, it’s fascinating and equally disturbing. I wonder what things he’s taken from me that I don’t know about. After watching this video and understanding him more, I’ve learned how to minimize his reckless behavior and to leave her alone. I used to work out of town a lot for months at a time which I realized after a while was a huge mistake with him. He would decompensate terribly. And every time I came back, I had a new relationship with a new person. You can have a 100 new relationships with the same person when you date a borderline. And because I’m also Borderline, I also become different due to stress from his behavior. Which is exciting to him also. We take turns controlling the distance in the relationship and it locks us both in. One time I was trauma Bonded to him for four months. Even the sex changed in each relationship with him. And the more I “see him”, the more I feel any one day could offer me multiple relationships with him. Minimally Devalued, idealized and then devalued again in one pillow talk. Once on FaceTime chat he talked about how he wanted to propose to me and then five minutes later asked me how I knew his email address when he had blocked me once on his iPhone and that he needed to learn how to block on emails- with this darkness in his eyes. It happened because I said something that made him scared I’d leave. I am learning who he is more and more. The moods are not even a roller coaster- it’s a radioactive atom. To love my untreated borderline, I live in an upside down world. I have to close in when he’s doing everything to use his rage to push me away- without being helpless and panicking. I have to lovingly deescalate him in moments when he’s doing horribly reckless things to punish me. It a training in unconditional love. Love with irrational terms. Trusting in his love for me when everyone else comments that he doesn’t care about my feelings and acts evil, and everything in my head is questioning my choices. But I know in my heart he’s not well. And even if it rips my guts out at times, I don’t blame him entirely. It’s such predictable unpredictability that it can only be described as disease. But he will never leave me. He loves me so deeply and so unconditionally, he would stay even if I cheated. I would suffer grave punishment for it, but he wouldn’t leave. And the love he gives me when he feels loved back by me is something I can’t even describe. It’s no longer about intermittent rewarding- I know how to minimize that. It’s wonderful because of its uniqueness- a love like I am the guiding, regulating “self” that he would give anything to and do anything for. I’m his North Star and he is a self sacrificing Shepard guiding his alters as he follows my beacon’s light, doing anything for me inside his darkness. And he will then regulate me back, my basic physical needs. He will do anything around the house, be the most giving lover, buy me anything, go anywhere with me I want, take me into the wilderness and produce the whole camping experience. Cook for me, hold me for hours if I asked, try to make me laugh all the time, push my shopping cart around homegoods and patiently give me his opinion on every knickknack I point to. If I mentjon something I want/ he remembers and buys it for me. He will do anything for me. He will call me, ask if I have eaten, call back in an hour and if I haven’t eaten, he will drive to me and bring me food and feed me. As long as I help him regulate his emotions, he keeps me fed. When I don’t, I get starved. “I can give you the world or I can snatch away our world and recreate it with someone else.” And the more I learn how to regulate him, the more he makes our shared fantasy into a place so intoxicating, I can dissociate with him and leave this mundane existence. It’s a balance of being grounded and being lost together. I am the dissociative borderline who won’t cheat but enjoys vanishing into him, and to feel his motives and reasons when everyone around him has no understanding of why he’s such a jerk or so crazy at times. My grandiose side takes pride in figuring him out and knowing him. But as much as I have that narcissistic feeling that I must engulf him as the regulating unconditionally loving mother, I am also the sacrificial lamb. It works for us and it’s quite a ride. One tip of advice - when I leave town I send obnoxiously huge bouquets of red roses to our house. And make his daughter put them on the dining table so he can see them and think of me as the center of the home- I’m away but I’m not abandoning post. And my card will say- mark the time by these roses/ the day they die, I will already be in your arms and our sex will live again.’ I can’t tell you how much this helps him, and us. But you better be home before the petals fall.

All of these recommendations seem to be manageable only within a relationship where the BPD partner has self-awareness of their condition. When the grandiosity of the primary persona exceeds their ability to self realize, you as a partner are fucked.

This is my favourite video. I felt the care Dr. Vaknin has in this regard. So true as well if I look at what has helped me in therapy and in life, as a person who was in the least a budding borderline.

Thank you for this video. I watched it as a borderline wife. And the last few minutes of you explaining the prize being worth the price helped me see those aspects of myself that I always tend to forget. I'm not all bad all the time and I definitely don't mean to be that much effort to be involved with. I have a wonderful husband who tries so hard and it makes me feel so bad for him. I wish he'd just give up on me and move on with our girls, so they can live happily, no more egg shell walking..... but he stays🤷‍♀️..... thank you for those last few minutes especially 🖤

Good for you and I wish you all the success in maintaining a relationship with a lying cheating and irresponsible woman who is overcome by her emotions. I myself tried and learned a lot about myself, the Redemptive quality of love, and how to be patient with extreme characters in everyday life. It ends up as a personal choice and the Deep truth will be whatever we decide that will be when we come to the end. But I could no longer take the logic of number one, I did not do it, two, if I did do it it wasn't that bad, three, 3, if it was bad then you deserved it. At this point I'm in my sixties and the need to babysit and parent an adult who seems to get worse as time goes on, while my own health and Vocational obligations deteriorate because all my attention and my love is expended on a person who has no awareness of it

Seems like a parent/child relationship being relived in a healthy teaching manner. The borderline is the child and the non-borderline the parent re-teaching the child what they missed because of childhood trauma.

Any tips on dealing with depression and ptsd after being in a relationship with a borderliner? I was definitely codependant and made mistakes triggered by her behavior.

@TobaccoPancake

2 ай бұрын

How are you doing rn? Going through the same and some tips could help

@nic867

Ай бұрын

@@TobaccoPancake talk to lots of family and friends or even strangers. I made some new friends this way. Try therapy. I didnt because it is very hard to get one and I simply gave up due to being tired. I also am in contact with her again, kind of friends with benefits but that depends on how you enjoy being with her. Would not recommend. It needs time. I know how it sounds, but it will get better. Not like before, but you can get out of it better than before.

The bottling up of emotions it's so true. Thank you for this video it's very informative ways to use a borderline

Thank you. I can see so much here. Your experience and professional work are invaluable. I understand so much of what I have dealt with.

An eye-opener! It puts so much of my experience for a year-long experience in perspective... Thank You SV!

Thank you Prof. S. Vaknin, for your very well said' and done' presentation. You produced all the hard facts with tremendous skill and easy understanding. I BPD continuously question why I cannot retain information about my where, why, when, or the lost time. I always refer to being in a time warp. It's frightening and always rapidly quick. Also the self harm and suicidal tendencies are so sporadic and painful but mostly out of Rage. I do refer to myself as an angry young woman sadly. I have been gifted with a great sense of humour which helps guide through the darkness. Thanks again Sam x

This is me to a T!!! I am so shocked I’ve never felt so understood .. thank you 😊

My favorite talk of his, it’s a love letter in essence

What a rare loving account of how to deal with a borderliner (for people who are into that type of personality and ready to pay the price). I would not feel I deserve so much goodwill from a partner, but on the other hand, I also feel borderliners have something special and pure to offer, so who are we to say to people that they should steer clear of them. Just help them make an informed choice as you do here (for which a million thanks). Personnally I have asked two professional therapists if i was borderline, they said my symptoms were not bad enough to get the diagnosis. Yet I feel so much self loathing for what I put my partners through (mainly by always leaving them at the slightest upset that becomes uncontrolably intolerable in my eyes) that i have completely given up on relationships although there are still men drawn to me and trying to change my mind, and although my celibate life feels poor and incomplete. As usual for the topic, the comments come mainly from survivors who say how horrible it is to be with a borderliner. I have witnessed it is and don't want in anyway to downplay your hurt , but as a grown up, you can walk away from a partner, (it's more complicated if it's a family member). If you don't walk away, you have mainly yourself to blame. But borderliners can never walk away from themselves, and you don't know how terrible that feeling is, unless you have experienced it yourself. Thank you professor Vaknin for showing us a less black and white view ('the only option is run'). I hope one day you will be as mild towards narcissists, because if it is true that you are one, they desserve some mildness too.

@priyasrivastava333

2 жыл бұрын

I understand what you say. I believe I'm a BPD patient. My relationships have never lasted long enough in spite of no matter how much I tried, some way or the other I've pushed everyone away. I'm so young and still I feel I know the feeling of giving up on love and relationships. I don't know what kind of life awaits me in my future but I hope we shall take what comes to us as happily and peacefully possible for us. God bless. The only reason I reply to comments on posts like such is, I see people like myself hurting or just trying to be understood. I see you. I believe you. Take care.

@acrossthelines

2 жыл бұрын

@@priyasrivastava333 you’re very kind. Hopefully you will encounter stable , trustworthy and loving people to help you on your journey. Maybe in your lifetime there will be an effective treatment to ‘re-programme’ the brains of people that have been traumatized in one way or another and therefore have attachment problems. (Maybe with something along the lines of EMDR). Never give up 🤗

Talk about a treasure. This man.⬆️🙏💗

Yet another superb video! I think that everything you outlined can be helpful to anyone who loves and cares for a Borderline person, whether as an intimate partner, friend, or family member These skills, tools, and the framework you provided can help engender compassion and understanding.

Like Anna Karenina - blaming acting out with Vronsky on her demons. (As it was in a movie :) ). Amazing video. Thank you.

Borderline +somatic narcissist = very painfull relationship.

@koreenalaw8644

3 жыл бұрын

You're absolutely right.. I have borderline personality disorder..my last bf was a somatic narcissist.. it was a nightmare. .. the fighting.. the pain .. the hurt .. therapy for the past 11 months is helping me .

@marionk.1278

3 жыл бұрын

Endless suffering that ends in CPTSD. Been there.

After getting boundaries in place and working on myself in the past few years I've overcame most of my borderline traits, so much so that I can't even recognize myself. I fell in love with another borderline and it's starting to be a ride. At least, after watching Sam's videos I've understood what was actually going on and this, in turn, helped me discover myself very much. I'm really grateful to have met them, it's a whole hassle but I think it's worth it. I'm also very happy, peaceful even when it comes to other women and his experiences with them, all I wish is for him to feel loved all the time. Indeed, they're drop dead gorgeous with a voice to match and I'd always like to know their opinion on stuff, just to listen. It's fascinating to unravel all this. Always a lot to process and review from this video.

Your borderline description is very interesting for a stranger in this field like me. It seems to fit with "a few" women I met in life, regarding the general aspects of borderline. Especially a girl I once knew. She was beautiful and awesome, a great person actually. I wanted to date her, she told me no, we became sort of friends for a while. Then I frustrated her on something, but not intentionally, as I remember. She got angry with me among friends, and there was no fix. I was a toxic narcissistic guy at the time. As you mention I have to agree her anger towards me was to hurt me and share the emotional burden of our situation going wrong. But I felt it was also part an act, cause I guess I never truly knew her. We parted ways for a good while. Then when we saw each other again, we could only look at each other from distance. Thank you for your very insightful rich talks.

You are a genius. I just found out what my years of agony is coming from! My life story! Thank you, Dr. Vaknin. You save lives

Prof Sam LOVES borderline women 😂

@CE-vd2px

3 ай бұрын

Why do you say that? Haha whats so good about borderline women?

What a powerful, realistic and encouraging talk. I needed to hear this because I am also in the boat of seeing those rewards and also the amount of work and struggle to maintain it.

Thank you so much Professor Vaknin iv learned so much from your videos. The way you explain things so in depth I can actually begin to understand my self and the women I love. About 2 months ago she ended our 10 year relationship. She is 52 years old and im 48. For the majority of the relationship I contributed her behaviors to menapause. I had told myself to just be patient and it will pass some day. Obviously it never did that's why iv been searching for a way to understand my mistakes. In all the ways you described your attractions to boarderline women it's the same for me. When I think of her and see her I see how loving she is and noone makes me feel the way she can( Good and Bad) I made so many mistakes all of the ones you explained. I always put everything on me hoping it would just end the fighting. I know that watching some videos will not make me be able to fix things in the future. But it's a relief to finally have an idea of the areas iv failed and at least an understanding of what I need to do. Towards the end of the relationship when she would withdraw from me and give me the silent treatment I would always just isolate myself from her because rejection from the women you love hurts like nothing else. I'd start of trying to be understanding and get her out of it but eventually once my feelings were hurt or if I felt I was losing her I'd act out saying cruel things back at her. It hit me hard when you said you have to be kind and loving. I realized years ago that I'm probably a little too sensitive at times. And when it's someone I love and my feelings get hurt anger will take over almost to protect myself. Thank you again Professor I look forward to being able to learn and understand myself and people I care about better.

Best video! You described me perfectly and I pray that my bf thinks I’m worth it.

4 years with a border . 1 passion + 1 Love + 1 crisis + 1 caos

I love these videos. Learning about my personality disorder is so insightful. It’s like you explained exactly what I feel and how I act.

@kbmrigveda5419

3 жыл бұрын

Have you stopped hurting people?

@humaali2742

3 жыл бұрын

@@kbmrigveda5419 yes Iv stopped 🥰😘

@kbmrigveda5419

3 жыл бұрын

@@humaali2742 Now you are Ali. Be love.

@jennifersnow1

3 жыл бұрын

Same

@sethat8e

3 жыл бұрын

@@claudiobozzolo3233 not helpful. Avoidance of intimate relationships may be a better suggestion.

Nothing more exhausting than keeping someone soothed. If it doesn't come from her, it's not worth maintaining. Having to remind someone you're in her life, isn't worth it. Can't make someone love you.

@bowpow00

2 жыл бұрын

@@rprb1957 I feel this. I just wanted to love her. The saddest part is I know that’s what she wanted to but couldn’t allow it. I hope she become self aware and I really hope it subsides for her at age 45 as SV states can happen. She deserves love and a break from the roller coaster too. I wish I could have done all these things SV shares. But each time I tried, I would loose myself. And then she would leave and a couple months later re connect and try again. Each time loosing myself trying to help her. Heartbreaking. I cannot even be angry with her, I have to much compassion for her.

ive been in a 10 year relationship with a BPD. its over now. I did a lot of these things. But certainly I had more natural responses as well, that I realize feeds the monster. I have severe cPTSD and PTSD and have physical stuff like fibromyalgia, CFS, i had for a while neuropathy, now my body is calmer but I do suffer from some trembling, alltho it has dropped a lot from the complete "earthquakes" some months ago. The CFS is 70% healed, and the fibro is 90% healed. The feeling of loss and grief is tremendous. The feeling of... having to "let go" of a loved one "slip into distortion.." That is the worst pain I have ever suffered, and I have suffered plenty of close deaths. I am so unsure of this "staying with the BPD thing" I tried the best i could, until I had to leave OR DIE. The massive problem I had was that there was 0% chance of getting her to take part in anything. the.. "could it be different"....... That is so.. nightmare. Daymare, i guess

I cried. I hope someday someone will love and understand me and that he will be able to handle me.

@aboutthatlife917

2 жыл бұрын

I promise it won't happen. You people are a waste of time

@yaseminaktas2845

2 жыл бұрын

You deserve that! ❤️

@Capric0rnify

9 ай бұрын

People already got enough on their plate these days. Life is hard enough. Work on yourself please. Don't expect anyone to 'handle you' but handle the world together, with him.

@brunnogurgel3076

2 ай бұрын

You're waiting for someone designed by God for you hahahah. First you'd have to be a princess

@sanashams7836

Ай бұрын

Keep working on yourself to become more self aware and then actively start changing your lifestyle and find a spiritual path. You will learn to handle yourself God Willing and then you will find true love. Best of luck! Don't stop trying.

With a wife of 17 yrs with some borderline traits, such as abandonment issues, quick and violent moodswings, external locus (me) all this sounds nice and dandy except that it requires that she’d admit to her issues. She doesn’t. She has a quite high view of herself, and so just bringing up the subject would quickly lead to a tantrum in which all my supposed bad things I’ve done in the past 17 yrs is regurgitated… I’m trained in non violent communication and neuropsychology. Even using that pedagogy will bring on a tantrum… so at the end of the day I’ve resorted to let her have her eruptions and just let it run off of me. I happen to be be low average in trait empathy and neuroticism, which helps… had I’ve been emotional I’d be destroyed a long time ago… 😏

@eatanotherzio6811

Жыл бұрын

So you're a narc and shes an emotionally stunted BPD toddler Nice

20 yrs married to a bpd, with 6 kids; now I’m a single dad, and she’s facing life in prison after a drug binge.

What an amazing and personal tutorial. Thank you.

You made cry at the end...thank you ❤️❤️❤️

Excellent analysis!

You are transforming my life. Thank very much. 🙏🙏🙏

Pure gold. Thank youuu

Thank you for the reality check. You talk about bpd women in the most genuine, kind, understanding and beautiful way.😢❤❤❤❤

Thanks Professor Vaknin.

I learn so much from your videos. I'm 500% convinced that I'm a BPD patient but for me right now opting therapy is not possible for many reasons. This video especially made me learn so many points on how to handle myself better. Right now I'm in a phase of recovery/mourning my last relationship. I'm convinced that he was a narcissist. Most of the times we seemed like a perfect fit. We belonged together. Being with him was a challenge on a daily basis but I was up for it. He used to tell me he loves me and can't imagine living without me and I believed that. I cared for him like a baby. I loved him. We had a really good time. I let everything slide but couldn't ignore his betrayal. It had me in shreds. He had never actually been with only me. It's funny I could never suspect he doesn't love me. I think he did love me but it's just a way of life for him. However I couldn't continue. I love him and miss him every day. Your videos help me understand so much. Thanks a lot for your work Dr. SV.

@TheIsraelProphetess

8 ай бұрын

Hey there! I have bpd been diagnosed and in treatment for many years. I believe myself to have a gift for sporting women with bpd. Just by looking at their picture! Look at the similarity between your photo and mine. The big Disney princess smile, child like. It’s not a regular smile. Borderlines are loving and happy. It almost never fails to help me identify someone with the same disorder as me.

Thank you Sam and all commenters. I will have to watch this several times, make notes, and do all this for myself as I have removed myself from every one except one person in my life. I am 69 years along and have suffered myself and everyone in my lifetime, diagnosed from teenager. The isolation is sometimes stifling but also gives me insight and direction to what to work on next. I am seeking professional help and running up against the obstacles of misdiagnosis like OCD, ADHD, and refuse to take their meds. DBT and CBT seems hard to get through to diagnosticians that don't understand. So I am deduced to self help books on these at the moment. Also Richard Grannon exercises for CPTSD, and bouts of daily journaling. I'm not consistent in any or all of these, thus the search for a therapist to represent some consistency. Your lectures and seminars are priceless and provide not only amazing understanding, but a bar set for what I am to expect in therapist attributes. I bring your introject with me to these sessions.

@wendi2819

Жыл бұрын

I am of similar age. There was next to no mental health support in rural America when we grew up plus the stigma and shame was off the charts! We could never foreseen the phenomena of KZread as a resource for healing those early wounds. I like the homeostasis I've built living on my own. I applaud you still seeking therapy to find healing. It's never too late to live your best life!❤️

@Kimmy-nt7th

Жыл бұрын

I find me🍭self 🤝bestest👭here😻💪💜🎀👑👠🍷🔮🌹🎁💋

As a bpd woman I love the ending, such a great video

@bellofigoitaliano5038

Жыл бұрын

The non BPD partner does NOT love the ending LOOL !

Have not watched but I definitely have described my past BPD partners as Sirens. Most definitely. They are probably what they greek were talking about.

Excellent video

11:15 For 20 years I managed to do this, but the thing that wrecked it all is that for those same 20 years, my BPD father-in-law was directly competing against me for the "pivotal role". In the end, he won. In his late 70s, he was able to break her with his victimization/woe-is-me guilt tripping. I believe that since he is the original sinner that caused her trauma to begin with, it was futile for me to even believe I had a chance against his evil hand. I could not convince her to remember the horrible ways her toxic family treated her in the past, so I could not give her continuity with me.

Thank you very much, dear Professor

I vividly remember the first time I said something mean to someone I was in my early twenties. I just could not control myself it would not stop coming out of my mouth. I feel sorry for any person who falls in love with one of us. My reactions have become more explosive as I have grown old and it has scared me. I am using some of the techniques you spoke of doctor thank you so much.

Dear Prof. Vankin, you are superb

Thank you so much for your insights!!

Thank you for making this

If you want to stop a vice. Film yourself doing it. If its disgusting you, youll stop.

Thankyou for this lecture / video . 🙏🙏

Great video professor. I agree I about how special bpd woman can be. Respect professor

*I practically did everything told in this video.* Guys, only different thing happens at the end she leaves you but makes a "closing speech". Hell, I had no idea she had BPD. My problem was I never had a gf, she was first and I don't have any attachment problems. Her unacceptable behaviours almost made me leave her, however she insisted to be together causing drama.

I tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to keep my bpd mom stable, or at least undead, as a child and young adult. When I saw her dumping on my children, I tried to hold her accountable and set boundaries. Of course that made me the devil. My family is my full time job, not her. if she decides to die, I'll just adhere to the advice she repeatedly gave me as a child and, "be okay." 🤷‍♀️

@user-hj5ky5dl2m

5 ай бұрын

Do you share these traits with her ?

9 years with him. I'm exhausted. He disguarded me 2 months ago. I can't get over it. Most intense relationship of my life. This is the best description I have found on borderline to date, and it's his birthday...I'm so upset.I wish I'd seen this years ago, then maybe I'd never have lost him. I would take him back in a heart beat, but he will never talk to me again. He ran back to his friend (whom he'd discarded for me - not that I'd wanted him to) He improved in some ways towards the end, it was almost as if we were swapping places... Thank you Doctor. This has helped me to make sense of the best roller coaster of my life.

@escalera601

2 жыл бұрын

Alice: why would you take someone back like this who you found exhausting and intense?

@Happyheart146

2 жыл бұрын

@@escalera601 because borderlines are the opposite of each (love and hate) on the spectrum. When it's bad, it's BAD, but when it's good it's GOOD. It's like an addiction. They train you to want the high (or the deep intense feeling of happiness and love) which they make you believe you cannot find with another person. You spend ALL your time walking the eggshells and working to keep getting the GOOD. By human nature, we want what we've worked for. It's sick, it's twisted and they KNOW what they're doing. I miss the highs it's true, but overall I'm steady now and MUCH better off without him. Think of it this way, someone who was addicted to say, alcohol, drugs, sex, food, whatever, will miss it at times, but they know it's destructive, so hopefully stay clear - same thing. Best advice is, stay the f away from borderlines, NEVER get involved in the first place. Unfortunately, most people don't know it's a rollercoaster till they're half way through. It's never too late to get off tho. Good luck with your journey, stay true to yourself and who you were before you met the thing that WILL destroy your life/relationships.

@Happyheart146

2 жыл бұрын

@@escalera601 and there's NOTHING you can do that will ever be good enough for people like that.

@bandumathithennakoon1683

Жыл бұрын

Maybe you are a narcisst or bordeline too. Watch Sam's other videos.

I wish I knew thus stuff 2 weeks ago. My ex dumped me and I have been trying to figure out what went wrong. The more I watch Sam explain BDP on his videos the more I am convinced my ex has BDP. I love and miss her so much, unconditionally as I would take abuse but still told her I would not abandon her. I thought she was just dismissive avoidant after doing a self assessment test with her. We have spoken over text once where I told her I am not angry with her and still miss her. She said she us not angry with me but never said she misses me too. She said that we never connected on an emotional level and that she cannot remember ever having a deep intellectual conversation with me and that we do not get each other and that is why she left me. I know that it is not true because I tried to connect with her many times but she would then avoid me and push me away. I am not sure what to do and for now so I am respecting her wishes. She said she is happy we can still speak but she does not contact me ever....😢

They are gorgeous and you drop dead 😂😂😂.

Thank you, Professor Vaknin. You truly are exceptional, particularly with your in-depth expertise and your poetic story-telling on this complex fascinating behavioral disorder. With all due respect, all the high maintenance tips seem to suggest what is required to keep a “functional” relationship with a BPD is to literally raise her as a child. When you become a parental figure of your romantic person, it really is no longer a balanced mutually reciprocal loving relationship. What is in it for the partner/spouse to overlook their individual needs for the sake of raising this child?

I have a very abusive borderline addict/alcoholic in my home. Bipolar but abuses the meds to get high then goes unmedicated and drug seeking. Refuses counseling, because she can only lie. Has had PTSD from horrific abuses and rapes. I believe she's got multiple personalities due to conversations, changing appearance. She may be facing prison. Could not complete community service. Can I get her committed before they throw her into what will probably destroy what is left of her mind.

Yes, there is no consistency in behaviour, no follow through , identity crisis, instability

what a masterpiece.

So profound. So true. So deeply personal😢. Thank you for sharing this. What is the BP does not admit or acknowledge the condition? Mine does not. Pleased can yoiu do something on high functioning BPD. Thank you for your work. No one explains it better. This video has been enormously helpful.

This is the most important video I have watched in many years. Thank you for the insight and practical approaches! I do wonder one thing, can we call the borderline out on this? Or do we simply start applying these approaches to help them without meta statements about what we are doing (i.e. without telling them that they are borderline or what we are doing)?

Thank you Dr Vaknin. You are always so insightful. How is it that the borderlime worries about being abandoned by their lover when they have object inconstancy? It seems they should not be thinking of their romantic lover at all to even worry about being abandoned if they lack object constancy Also, putting in all this work and effort to make the relationship work seems like the perdect recipe to develop codependancy. Not sure following this recipe will lead to a healthy relationship. Always appreciate your videos on the topic of borderlines. Thank you for all your efforts.

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

The borderline suffers from intolerable abandonment anxiety. So, she leverages her object inconstancy to preempt abandonment: she abandons first (often by cheating).

@NoNakersAllowed

2 жыл бұрын

@@samvaknin or pushing the partner away. This is what I do

"Never, for the sake of peace and quiet, deny your own experiences or convictions." (or something like that - Dag Hammershield)

Who can love me and do all these efforts to be with me I felt bad about myself but actually everything u said is so true