Married in only March of this year, together for almost 4 years (cohabitating pretty much the whole time). She came to with with the "this isn't working for me, I'm unfulfilled and unhappy" speech. She says I'm too negative and I can tell she means that. She was feeling alone. She agreed when I said 80% of our relationship as a whole was good, with only 20% being the issues. However, she said she will not be company to misery (I'm not a miserable person but am definitely not the rosiest of all people). She wouldn't do couple counseling, said it was my issue to fix. Between July 3 and October 17th I was working on it albeit stumbling occasionally. I had covid and was grumpy in October and we argued and she said it was done. After only less than a year of marriage, she seemed to change her view on me that my personality was not worth dealing with, despite the fact that I was the same essential person I was before we wed. Can you do a video on the first year(s) of marriage being stressful and how maybe there is a post-wedding letdown of expectations? I feel like she got in her head about being married and it not being what she expected and that freaked her out. Not to say I was perfect but it could have been worked out with time (I feel). Thanks for all you do.

@ted2136

3 ай бұрын

Similar boat. Buy 10 plus years. Keep head up. Woman give up quicker than men or more they do something bout it...

Thank you Rachel. I believe you hit the nail on the head. My wife had felt that. I have also felt that for many years as well. I felt lonely, disconnected and Like could not go on. But even in feeling that way. I was never going to divorce her. We had too many wonderful things in our relationship and a bright future. Things changed when she finally had the money to divorce me. I was shocked that she said she would plunge our family into debt if we were poor to divorce me.

I actually came to this conclusion myself. Not feeling heard or hearing my partner. Communication breakdown. Great video. Thanks

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome, thanks for watching. How are you doing now, after coming to this conclusion for yourself? Did anything change for you because of it?

@hman2912

2 жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach still fairly fresh, but I am getting the therapy I probably should have got years ago. Working on Anger management and communication

There's so many KZread videos about this subject but none have seemed so fair and relatable as your content. Thank you for this.

Absolutely 100,000%. You hit it on the mark. Wife came from a broken home and recently with the pandemic multiplied the isolation and the feelings of loneliness. Having our child right smack in the middle of the pandemic was super difficult as her family lives overseas and her covid anxieties wouldn’t allow for any outside help causing even more stress. Looking at things from an outsider I think we each believed the other wasn’t prioritizing their partner. We never ever discussed divorce on the contrary she would ask me to promise her I would never leave. Well once the travel ban lifted her mom came into town and the next day we had another stupid argument that neither of us can remember how it even started and she left with her and our 9 month old.😔 Unfortunately at that point I had no idea if she was gonna take child over seas as she refused to allow me or a 3rd party hold child’s passport and the conflict began and the arguments became intense. Little do I know within a week of leaving she contacts an attorney who surely weaponized her with tools to destroy our family rather than tools to mend and I finally get papers served a month after she files in court. The saddest part is our child. Yes although the young age may make things easier, I have noticed the effectsas my baby felt and still feels that abrupt change and still feels the tension. You know I would always say “don’t worry about this COVID it’ll soon pass and everything will be back to normal, just hang in there ” but unfortunately we didn’t make it and now its bittersweet as COVID became just another thing of the past it, and I’m certain she relates the isolation from the pandemic with the isolation she felt was in our marriage and likewise her leaving the “toxic environment” of her marriage has been confined stronger and result of her newfound “freedom” has been amplified rather then attesting it the lifted restrictions and the ending of the mask mandates etc. etc (I hope I explained that clearly) You know sometimes I say hmm I wish I could go back in time but when I think and analyze the past, there was really nothing I could have done. Literally whatever I did either was misinterpreted, twisted, taken as a criticism or as a jab at her making her feel like a failure or incompetent , etc which was the furthest from the truth. It’s a shame but it is like you said her “fight or flight” and oh boy I experienced her fight and now I got her flight… I was one of those people who was convinced we are “meant to be” but when reality hits its not that we are “meant to be” rather we are “want to be” and she clearly doesn’t “want to be” together any longer. As a person who doesn’t give up its hard to digest so instead, I shift focus to “never giving up “ on my child. It’s hard tho as why or how anyone would imagine getting along during and or after a divorce could be any easier then getting along during a marriage, I need to learn their secrets, it’s super tuff. If you’d ask me why would I want to save my marriage my #1 reason would be for myself and if anyone tells you any different they aren’t truly digging deep. I want to save my marriage selfishly bc I must give my child the opportunity to have access to both mom and dad daily under the same home to be able to have one less reason to even be a statistic in that category of “children of divorced home” etc positive or negative. I believe we as parents should strive to limit the amount of reasons why something may cause a negative outcome and unfortunately in my eyes as I’m sure the majority of people would agree “divorce” is not a positive thing. I try to make a conscious effort to work to limit as much negative exposure to my child as I possibly can. When one comes around however I can’t say I don’t give it a shot and try to turn that negative into a positive, sometimes it may just be too late … 😕 Thank you so much for you awesome ad-free videos and guidance. You’re amazing!!!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching and for your kind words and comments, and also for sharing some of your story here. I'm really sorry to hear that you and your wife went through such a struggle during COVID. It has been a really rough couple of years, and having a child in the midst of that fear and uncertainty can take its toll. I love what you say about giving your child the best possible chance, with access to two loving and engaged parents. I've recently been talking to another coach who works with nasty custody cases and estranged or alienated fathers, and he has opened my eyes to something powerful - if you believe the thought "divorce is the worst thing for children" it leads to the action of fighting for the marriage and fighting for equal custody. The key here is that it leads to fighting. It stops you from accepting your partners' choices, seeking to understand her mindset and working to help her feel safe and comfortable. It often pits parent against parent, which doesn't provide the best atmosphere for the child, as you've noticed. This coach's approach is to focus on the child first- and providing a healthy environment for that child means not provoking it's mother into further fear or anger. You're likely quite right that her lawyer may have weaponized the situation and turned her towards divorce when she may not have been seeking that before. Yet now, in this situation, what is the best route for your child? There are things you can control and many that you cannot. How can you take care of yourself and support your wife (or ex - wife if it goes that far) in being the best mother she can be? Despite what the lawyers say, fighting her is often not the best path to creating a healthy environment for your child. One last thought I'd like to offer - I work occasionally with a divorce attorney who calls divorce "family restructuring". I like that language because it focuses on the children - how do you restructure the family in a way that provides the healthiest environment for the child? Usually a drawn out, bitter or resentful divorce isn't the answer.

@ted2136

3 ай бұрын

I dont buy hlthe whoke family restructuring. Apologies but thst is for after the horse has bolted. There is stuff that can be done b4 that.....that kind of perspective doee not sit with my values but i appreciate it challenges mine ...

Been together 23 years, married for 22. Adopted 4 children, complete lack of intimacy. She has checked out, emotionally divorced me, and although we are in marriage / sex therapy - she simply won't make a move one way or the other. Is fine with zero affection or sex as it is "not important to her" - says she married me for other reasons. Acknowledges she is walled up and not connected, but lays the effort at my feet to achieve a closer bond with her, without making any effort to allow that to happen. She says she is "no longer in love with me", and I just don't see any way back to relationship. I had to work 80+ hours a week for 15 years while she was a stay at home mother. As soon as we adopted the kids - she withdrew and went into Mom mode 100% and stopped being married. I was simply discarded and just had demand piled on while more and more disconnection resulted.

I listened again and got a few more things out of it. Sign of a good chapter.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

That's awesome. Thanks for watching!

Feeling alone, like you're rarely on the same page, poor communication, intimacy is mediocre, feeling like you're two different people or the relationship is a "square peg trying to fit a round hole". All of this is symptomatic of fundamental issues that were likely festering for years and are just coming to a head. Such a shame that so many couples are what I call "titanic couples". They're headed for a total collapse but are full steam ahead like nothing is wrong. If 60% of couples end their marriages, it's likely another 20-25% are just hanging on for dear life- either for the kids or fear of being alone and so they remain is these morbid relationships and live lukewarm lives of quiet desperation. We don't do the work it takes and that's why we're so amazed when we see these 90-year-old couples who have been married for 60 years and ask, "What's your secret!?". The secret is, they did the work and made the choice to remain faithful and never give up. Often times I hear these old couples say that friendship in their marriage was essential to it going the distance. Something to consider.

I'm at a total loss of words for how absolutely accurate this is. You may have actually finally unlocked the most misunderstood aspect of marriage/relationships as a whole. Please build on this video, this may very well be what we need to start a national/worldwide conversation that could help very seriously decrease the amount of divorces, and destruction of families for good. I had known I was lonely in my marriage, and actually felt vulnerable enough to openly convey it to my wife, the big question is when you communicate what your struggling with openly, and it isn't well received, or the ability to be understood by your spouse ?😞. So how do we actually get lonely/emotionally disconnected with our partners to begin with that we currently don't understand? 😕. I'm actually doing quite better than I thought with my divorce, can't lie about the fact though of missing the person that was my bestest friend, and the damage to our kids. Thank You. Mrs. Sloan. The whole 🌎 needs to here this. Possibly the worst feeling in the world is feeling absolutely alone when you are married to someone that you lay in bed with at night, and they might as well be on the other side of the world.

@ijordo

2 жыл бұрын

you are not alone friend. I feel like i could of been the one posting your comment. i only comment here to say that you are not alone and i think that you are going to be okay. and tbh your kids can be better than okay too. It will be hard on the kids if we punish our wives for leaving, but the truth is I get to chose how i respond to her leaving especially with the kids. Im going to chose to keep loving my wife by letting her go and not holding it against her so i can be a good co-parent. Rooting for you good sir!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Nicholas, Thank you for the kind words, and for your suggestions. You've given me a couple of good topics to build on this video. Unfortunately, I think this issue of loneliness goes far beyond the boundaries of marriage. I think it is something most people experience throughout their lives, starting in early childhood For me, being aware of that helps me find greater compassion, especially for people with whom I disagree or who are aggressive or hostile towards me. One source of comfort, which I hope helps you as well, is recognizing that loneliness is simply an emotion. And emotions are physical sensations in the body, deeply linked to thoughts. The beauty of this is that thoughts are powerful. Thoughts are what make us feel connected, safe, at home in the world and either connected to or separate from the people around us. It is possible to feel deeply connected to someone you never see, and it is possible to feel completely alone in the constant presence of another person. The difference isn't in their actions, responses or anything they actually do... it's in our own thoughts about them and about ourselves. If I can feel deeply connected to my dear friend who died many years ago, simply through the power of the loving thoughts and memories I hold of her, I can feel connected to a loved one who is angry, unresponsive or not receptive. Obviously I am simplifying this concept, and there are certainly a lot of concrete steps one must take to feel connected despite the actions of others, yet it is something that each of us, as individuals, have more power over than we sometimes think. I'm really glad to hear that you're doing alright, and I can't thank you enough for watching and commenting on this video. I too am rooting for you, just like Jordan here! If it helps, my parents divorced when I was just six years old and I've only seen them in the same room together a handful of times since then. But they both love me and they both gave me the gifts of their experiences, their honesty and glimpses into their own human struggles, and I like to think I came out okay :) I think your kids will too. After all, they have a dad who knows what it's like to feel alone, and who can validate, support and love them through the challenges they will inevitably face as humans on this earth.

@nicholaskrein6665

2 жыл бұрын

@@ijordo Thank you for the kind words, I wish you, and your family the best moving forward. Unfortunately this is my second divorce rodeo 😕. I set my final boundaries in the sand with the issues in our marriage, and if they were crossed this time, and they were that I was done. I did my part of the work individually, but you can't complete the remainder of the work that you need to do together by yourself when your significant other continues to drop the ball, and doesn't respect the boundaries that you both mutually agreed on. I'm not holding anything against her there is no time for that in life, it's not healthy to do that for yourself, the kids, the family as a whole, even with the despicable things she did she still holds a place in my heart that I care for her, just not in that way anymore. I continue to look forward with more lessons learned the hard way, and that much more I understand what I want out of a new relationship with someone else along with what are deal breakers in the future. We all need to continue to learn the lessons to move forward, and be thankful for what has happened in the past both the good and the bad.

@nicholaskrein6665

2 жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you again Mrs. Sloan. I appreciate the words in your response. And thank you for the introspection into your own life lessons on divorce. I hope that those lessons are deeply motivating your work and what you have to convey to help all of us move forward including yourself from your own experiences as a child of divorce. We take it one day at a time, some days are better or worse than others, for the most part there are alot more good than bad days emotionally, the best part is not having the sick to your stomach feeling anymore, no more nightmares of the breakup of your relationship/family anymore, and not much anger anymore. Just releasing those thoughts and emotions without thinking about it to much is a great feeling. It doesn't make it any easier dealing with the aftermath, it does make it more emotionally manageable though with much shorter lived thoughts about it. Thank You again Nick.K.

@arniep740

2 жыл бұрын

Right on the money. I totally get that feeling and it is so sad, like you said, to feel so alone even though there is a body nearby. But as you said, she may as well have been in Tibuktu. I know I did some hurtful things to try to get her attention, but nothing seemed to work in that regard. Divorce now filed by HER.

When do the ideal stereotypes go away? That argument can't be used forever but it seems to be. Especially in these videos, she puts out.

I like/subbed. Your vids are helping. Not a ton but helping non the less. I was married for 17 years. I've been divorced for 8 moths. When think of her and even all the good times, my stomach and heart drops. Heart rate immediately goes up. And what's really strange is my legs get hot and clammy. Almost sweating. And then my face get hot. It's the weirdest thing. Thank you for making this channel.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Cliffy, thank you for watching. I'm glad the videos help in a small way. Your physical symptoms are actually not so weird. You're experiencing the physical sensations of strong emotions, and quite likely a fight/flight response in your nervous system as well. Usually stomach/heart dropping and increased heart rate is some sort of fear/anxiety. It means your brain perceives a threat (in this case it may be some version of 'I'm alone', which doesn't feel safe to the primal parts of our brains). Anxiety and feelings of panic often cause hot flashes and sweating throughout the body, though a hot face can also be associated with feelings of shame. In my experience there are two important things to do when you''re noticing these kinds of reactions. First is to calm your nervous system by sitting with and watching the physical sensations of the emotion. What you're focusing on is yourself as the observer of the emotion (I feel anxious vs I am anxious). With practice you can help your brain recognize that you are not in danger. The emotions won't disappear, but the intensity of the physical reaction will settle and you'll be able to think more clearly. The second step is to figure out what, specifically, the threat is. What does your brain believe is happening/going to happen that it is so afraid of? What does it mean for or about you? From there you can address the threat itself (or, more commonly, help your brain realize that the threat isn't actually real). That's a 30,000 foot view! I'm afraid it's hard to offer more in a YT comment. If you'd like to know more or get focused support in doing these things, you can email me to book a consultation call: rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com

I see this video is for men, however, this is so true, loneliness is the root cause of divorce. My ex-husband was addicted to TV watching. The only time I could talk to my spouse was during the TV commercials and when the show came back on I was to "shut up". However, most of what I did say in the commercials was actually not heard so I was basically just the maid.

I give up. I'm going to be alone. I just have to work on not being lonely.

This is such a helpful video!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

I'm glad you found it helpful! Thanks for watching Paul!

Good video. I agree with the message a lot. I was very lonely in my marriage, I even said that on multiple occasions. But I was not the one who did horrible things and then left. But I do agree that at some level she was lonely and lashed out and left. I told her as much before she left for good, but it did no good to even try. Not a very hopeful video, but not all truths are hopeful Sometimes the truth must be accepted. Good work.

@josejaquez2379

2 жыл бұрын

Wow Rachel, you hit the nail on the head here. My ex would often tell me she was lonely, but so was i. Every time we argued, which was more and more often, she would sleep in our guest room and wait for me to say sorry, and ask her to come back to our. I finally stopped doing that, then we became sexless, loveless, sad, and lonely. Good work Rachel.

@arniep740

2 жыл бұрын

@@josejaquez2379 I feel you!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks M W. It is a hard truth... and I do hope that it can also be hopeful, as understanding the past and seeing it clearly is what allows us to do things differently in the future. In some cases that may mean choosing a partner who is in a different place and able or ready to overcome loneliness together.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Jose, thank you. And I'm really sorry to hear how things ended in your marriage. So often both people are lonely or stuck, but they don't know how to get back to each other and their defenses end up pushing them farther apart. How are you doing now, Jose?

Mental health issues I think prevents my ex to understand that love changes with time….BPD……..I find that she has 4 on 9 of the DSM criteria!…..her mother has a Dx of severe BPD.

Sad to say People just fall out of love too your marriage just becomes routine Till one of you get up the. courage to say it's over. I can't do this anymore Then at this point it's probably too late for help Women only seem to move on faster if they are the ones that left or ask for the divorce And I would say they can move on faster cause by this time there's another man but it's the same with men when they are the ones that ask for a divorce usually they found someone else There are 1000s of women on Facebook bellyaching about their X If I had to give advice If you find another woman don't let her get lonely and never take her or your marriage for granted

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

I like that last line of advice! I'd add to it - notice when you feel lonely and find ways to talk about it with your partner. Thank you for watching. How are you doing?

@swanzilla1982

2 жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach You are right ..always need communication With your partner...I'm doing good I always think how you told me to think of my other neighbor and if this was happening to him That one that one sentence helped me so much

first please please forgive my education here with typos punctuation grammar.... that said I have told my wife I was lonely begged for intimacy no its not sex its affection love tenderness being alone and not on social media.......I told her I was not giving up that our marriage was worth fighting for that i have been lonely and i know she has been also.... that 25 years and our love was worth fighting for she said it doesn't matter she's done i didn't respond then told her i was sorry and that if we had worked on it we did so at different times that we never worked together... at the same time and really never changed anything... i hope im not being selfish if i am i wonder is that bad she wasn't exactly happy to hear that this morning ...oh man she just stormed out of here shes late for work i never woke her up .. i like waking her up but she's you know doing it herself she isn't a morning person .. i haven't left yet she definitely told me too we split bills neither has enough money to be on our own i could but would be tight . she is planning on moving 2nd oldest daughter back home with boyfriend to help we have a 3 br 2 bath one male one female child. so that's a bad idea on her part.. besides first week she told me to leave and we briefly started to pay bills different than usual so i could pay things down to be able to move im still buying her cigarettes and food and i guess supposed to wake her up. this began before July 4th holiday she stayed with a daughter on the Friday before and went to the lake with all the kids and i was home alone neither of my oldest daughters said anything about it to me but were going to watch a firework show, she called me mad at them because they wouldn't take her back to her car after one of them kicked sand on her. i said you want me to call after you left and want a divorce and tell them to bring you to your car ... she started cussing me then and said i don't remember but she hung up on me. ive poored out my guts to her im not sure i have anything she doesn't know but when i did it seemed like it was always used against me.. at one point she started sleeping when she wasnt at work she was tired needest rest...i olet her sleep made sure she got plenty i mean she would sleep 18 hs get up eat and go back to bed i know she was depressed ask her to talk tell her dr. whats going on. talk to me anything. she did get on meds the kind thats awful in wrong hands i think its very similar to meth its for add if im saying that right but highly addicting and at first i think it made her a little better it seemed like but i think she started taking it on wrong schedule maybe i never see her take it and i ask her to talk or ask her dr. about maybe it affecting this right now.....there are so many things i want to talk to so0meone with her so maybe they can help her see things different or me either one ...i know i have issues with self confidence and im sure shes picked up on that but i know and can see she has also. i know shes been through a lot with me i am disabled with copd and lukemia have been trekked and in a comma twice in hospital she is a cna at the local hospital did work in county hospital where she had patients die that she loved i know theres issues with that and me dying that shes terrified of being alone but dr.s say im not dying and lukemia is in remission...... the daughter she wants to move in is looking for a place to move when her lease is up and hasn't had a relationship with me in a while for other reasons like i should've paid for her college and couldn't or i would have but shes sent me a pic of a house for sale i ask is it in Alaska and gpt no response back and nothing with the pick just the house forsale i should've ask her if she found her a house but didnt...i love her too... with that said i assume my daughter is supporting mom. im sorry it is good information please keep up the videos ilol stop really i could go on and on......i probably should just go turn myself in at the county hospital maybe they could give me some shock therapy iam always hopeful for however it all plays out thanks again for listening and i think your videos will help im going to watch some of the other you have... thank you

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

11 ай бұрын

I believe you've emailed me - if you did, please reach out again. I replied to your email but it was returned, saying that it couldn't find the email address you wrote from.

@stonewall2345

11 ай бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach yes I got theemail where you ask me to message you wonder why it was returned

@stonewall2345

11 ай бұрын

I received the one but didn't thefirst I guess

@stonewall2345

11 ай бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach she called sheriff because I told her this was worth working on started screaming cussing me. Kids in house I never raised my voice. I heard her giggling like a little girl telling someone on phone your so crazy. Fft. She's either already or it's in her sights with someone it's gonna be a slow ride for me..but alone or not I think less I end up drooling on myself in nursing home somewhere... . Whoever whatever they definitely deserve each other start like that it will be fun to watch it playout...I tried that's a such as I can do...

@stonewall2345

11 ай бұрын

Oh but they couldn't make me leave ain't legal. I'm at home. Too funny I tried to tell her that she refuses to listen to reason it may get ugly it's up to her and I told her but she thought she was smarter........nope