No one gets it-you do. It’s the shared fantasy that’s being lost. That is an unknown entity to the vast majority of people who have never been in a “relationship “ with a narcissist. You can’t get support from friends, loved ones or even therapists. They see this toxic person and say good! Be happy he’s gone! You were crazy to stay with him! What could you possibly miss? And you think this yourself because there is a lot you will NOT miss, but the shared fantasy was something only he could give. I am deeply mourning something that no one who has anything to do with me can see or comprehend and until you explained it, I couldn’t even name it. Thank you so much.

Yes I'm at the anger stage. 32 years of fakeness how could I not be.

It's been 4 years of almost no contact. Still grieving. The fantasy. I want the fantasy so badly. I am not interested in a normal relationship. I see no point. But of course I won't allow myself to enter another shared fantasy with anyone. So I am single with frequent tears over the impossible dream. Of living in a fantasy. Gggrrrrrr..... I am really mad at myself for such stupid setup!!! Why can't I just be normal, enjoy normal boring things!!???? Why am I such a junkie for the fantasy land???? I am deeply sad!!! 😢

I miss my true self. My joy and happiness!

37 days since he hung himself ....The grief is as only you seem to know Sam. Thank you for being here. I feel like he killed me without laying a hand on me. Your words are comforting in a way only someone who understands this could be.

@rjlacroix3334

2 ай бұрын

So sorry you experienced this 🙏

The grief is always there. No matter what you are doing. You feel a big blanket of sadness and emptiness. The shared fantaay was an escape. One day at a time.

@rjlacroix3334

2 ай бұрын

"A big blanket of sadness and emptiness ". So profoundly true .🙏

My mother is alive but i recognise these stages in my grief of a mother who would listen. She wont. The end. So i grieve a woman who is alive and kicking.

I had been in a rollercoaster with a narc-bdp for 12 years and every time I was discarded or I cut contact with him i felt so much pain, sorrow and unfortunately I interpreted it as a sign of the depth and veracity of " our love" and of my feelings because such a thing did not happen to me before...not to be able to grief and let it go. Dr.Vaknin thank you!

Very difficult ! I went through it took me 3 years of grieving my little brother couldn’t process the pain and commited suicide 7/11/2021 Thanknyou professor Vaknin xx

@claudiae7473

10 ай бұрын

❤

Amazing how all her behaviour looks now so predictable,like coming from your,,narc guide book “. I feel relieved because I passed totally,,acceptance point “of no return and fully gravitate toward emotional self sufficiency ( hobbies and activities). I met old myself again and it was wonderful ❤.

This all makes so much sense. My ex-best friend of 17 years, was a covert narc with sociopathic traits. I was emotionally immature and co-dependent. Needed her so badly. The abuse got so bad. My mental health worsened. In therapy, I discovered what was happening. It took me months to pull the plug. It was the most gut-wrenching experience of my life. I felt like I cut off my own limb. I cried uncontrollably for months. Felt dead on the inside. Realizing it was all a lie. I wanted to believe in the fantasy so bad but the pain was becoming too much. Dr Sam put it into words so perfectly. I miss the old me but I was never real because she was a part of me. I always felt like she was my mom it was so hard to be mad at her. I never had a mother emotionally so I attached to her because she became like my mom. I'm going to show myself compassion now and so much love.

WOW! Such an excellent explantion. My narc passed away 6 months ago - my daughter is so shocked that I am grieving that person, rather than being 100% relieved to be out of nightmare of it. I will have her watch this so she can understand! Excellent video Prof. Varkin! Thank you so much!

I have a dear, dear friend whom I deeply love with all my heart. He is in a 5+ year relationship with an abusive NPD. Mentally, emotionally, physically & sexually abusive NPD. And I am powerless to help my friend, except for being able to forward your link to him. " ... you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it"! I am so fearful for what is to come for my friend, but I am 6,000 miles away from him & I cannot comfort him with my hugs or kisses. I will mourn the destruction of this fine, noble, kind, decent person. Is there no way to rid the world of these demons??? 😢

Rather than 'skinning yourself alive' can't it be like shedding an old, dead skin like a snake. After they shed, they are very sensitive, but the old dry skin is gone

@ivana5240

Жыл бұрын

I like this a lot. And we come out renewed and stronger, wiser.

OMG!!! What a freaking nightmare😭😭. I Will never be me again!😭

I watched your cheating and triangulation video. Unbelievable how I related to it. Which then led me to this video. He moved out on May 25th. I work, go to bed and watch movies on the wknd. I just took a candlelight meditation class today. It felt wonderful to let go , relax and just be. I will not let grief kick my ass!!

This is where I'm at rn it's so hard truly feels to my mind like my flesh is being flayed

@vernicelli

8 ай бұрын

Same

This video has given me more understanding than anything else in my life. Maybe I was just ready for it as finally after 3 years, I’m about to let myself into Hope. It’s clearer in hindsight. Thank you 🙏

This is your best video. Great advice as well

Even for professionals grieving the shared fantasy takes courage...this was generous Sam.

Recent divorc(ER) of someone who’s highly likely to be a Narcissist and, I am here to say, it is exactly like skinning yourself alive. I feel like I saw death, himself. Trying to un-enmesh myself from him felt like ripping wool. I am taking steps to further my education and would love to write about my experience, in the future. What would make it unique is that it would be from the perspective of the Borderline woman. Edit: As the video progresses, I’m truly amazed at how perfectly orchestrated our lives had to be in order for us to both have endured this. This was surely a never-heard-of occurrence.

Sam, thank you for putting this together so well. You addressed it impeccably-- I was in double whammy being in a nonconsensual triangulation enmeshment dynamic between a long time “friend” (Narc) and my Borderline girlfriend. The kicker is we all lived together at the time! Holy hell was I dumb and blind. Your videos have truly provided a ladder out of the deep abysmal hellish pit they pulled me into.

@xavierserrano4880

Жыл бұрын

1 yr and 3 months no contact from them all and forever onward.

This is a bell dinger of an episode! Thank you Sam!

When even my kids don't understand that is when I feel what meaning is there in my life.

Mr.Vaknin this video is a masterpiece. Thank you, Sir. Life is definitely worth living. The toxic sweet n psycho narc needs a proverbial whoopin.

How much time is normal to grief? It has been 2 years, and the other day sounded a song he repeatedly played and I got a panic attack... when I finally escaped from him, my body started to show all the cortisol poisoning of the shared years and I developed several autoimmune diseases. He's still in my head and hurting my body. It's like I haven't fully escaped, and i hate him for that, and i hate myself for not fight earlier or stronger

@samvaknin

10 ай бұрын

2 years is abnormal: it is a prolonged grief disorder.

@nds.gdspts

10 ай бұрын

@@samvaknin Thanks! I'm going to look into that.

@ZinebAsri

8 ай бұрын

The same here, it's been more than 2 years 😢

@kujtimlisha9890

22 күн бұрын

He’s professional and doesn’t tell us everything he knows but well done to you ( “better late than never “) and good luck 🤞

Наверное, я какая-то не такая, но когда нарцисс, на которого я слила 7 лет жизни, наконец-то ушёл, я почувствовала облегчение. Потом были слёзы, потом злость, после чего равнодушие. Когда он лезет теперь в мою жизнь, меня это сильно раздражает, и я говорю ему гадости. Реально, он для меня умер, и когда он объявляется, у меня закатываются глаза со словами: «Ты обещал, что скоро сдохнешь, выполни хоть одно своё обещание, лузер.» Но, он продолжает лезть ко мне и почему-то не обижается.

Yes, these last 3 years that my mother was punishing me, the HOPE that one day she would communicate with me was awful..... she did nothing but gaslight me, she is a victim bully. I exploded at her and now she is the victim she must be delighted. It took her 3 years but she drove me crazy like she said i was. Now that i know she will never forgive *me* 😅😢 i have lost hope thank goodness.

@DebbieLee-dr3hr

9 ай бұрын

Same here. It took 50 years to fully detect what narcissism was about. But once they overplay the punitive card, it's game over. Until they desire to prod again. They can be quite nervy when the need for supply arises.

Thank you so much for extending this information. Thank You!!

The problem I'm having is the grooming of my kids and using them as a weapon

@daisycharles440

10 ай бұрын

Me too, it’s a nightmare. Sorry you are going through that

God tier

Sam. I am going to tip my hat and concede. I have watch almost 65% of your videos; you have a very special understanding of the human mind and abuse. You have helped me to understand something I have been searching to understand for over a decade and more specific: 3 - 5 years and the last 24 months intense. I want to compliment you and tell you that you absolutely have your findings correct. Well done Sam. Well fucking done! Very few in this world, if you look at the size and scope of shit that permeates the internet, more specifically KZread, understand what you are actually saying and giving for free. I do Sam. Thank you. - Marty

Cruel. And beautiful somehow. Thank You ❤️

Thank you for this.

Just what I needed. Thank you, professor. This video is superb.

Thank you

Thank you, Professor Sam...

Thank ❤you

Thank you.

Thank you so much for this 🙏

I am no longer in a relationship with my ex covert narc although we still talk on the phone at times and most of the time it leads to him blaming me for his misfortunes. ! Which leads to him calling me nasty names etc and blaming me for bringing out his horrible character. Lol. As it is my fault always. Why though if I care not what he thinks do I still feel down when he gets angry because I’ve spoken my mind He cannot handle being told not to speak that way in an angry rude manner out of no where because I have spoken my mind right back at him. Lol

Thank you❤

Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤.

Thanks Prof Sam 🙏

Sam! Thankyou for this wonderful knowledge!

Thank you, Sam Vaknin.. I needed this video.

Tank you Prof. Sam

Thank you ❤

This video helped me so much. Thank you!

Thanks Sam! 🗽🗼💋

Thank you Professor, the validation of the experience is truly invaluable. Thank you for this video.

Im enraged to the point I destroy my health

Thanks you for this motivating share👍🏻. Already without knowledge already did some steps. The only fear what I have now is how to recognise the next time such a person 😏

This is amazing (in a good way;)

My mother is full blown narc all my life I feel like living in hell on earth

Sir ...this is verry clear ... i have been facing the same situation ....mother and daughter both are attacked ...but i already listen to your vidio ...so i know whats going on ...but i also getting damaged myself ...anyway i am trying to treat them...

@pushpakumara7804

Жыл бұрын

This girl and her mother lived past 2 years next to my room ...her father was dead ...mother and daughter living alone ...for me they never told that I love you ...but they ask help...advice ...if i give food or money or anything they never tells thankyou ...never speak about that issue again ....its like forget ...but now i couldnt forget her picture ..all the time its comming to the mind ...couldnt drive a bike on atraffic road ...its a headache ....she is in my mind ...but i know now its a abuse acording to you sir....thank you for the teaching ...

I wish Sam can in would have a talk with my covert narc. As as smart as my narc is and we’ll read I would love. Just love to see them discuss my ex’s attitude. Anger and nastiness. As my ex has a come back answer to make himself the victim. Lol.

Very insightful as always. Question: Can you please explain where exactly people diagnosed with prolonged grief go wrong in this process? Or at which stage they tend to get stuck? Thank you

@samvaknin

Жыл бұрын

Search the channel.

I wasnt a good friend to myself. 😢

Excellent and so boldly explained and encouraging ! Thank you

Impecável como sempre Prof. Sam Vaknin! Muito obrigada!

@samvaknin Thank you for clear stages and HOPE, Sam, as it can be discouraging to be on the “non straight line” of healing. My question would be if these are the same or slightly different for your new category for Covert BPD partners? It seems they are most likely very similar to as you lay out so well here, yet curious just the same. I’d love to hear more on the new understanding of CBPD having some “special” differences….& I recall you mentioning maybe that after a long relationship with a CBPD partner, it was in its own kind of hell of effects. Thanks again for such clear examples to take on & a clear path to Hope. 🤗

@samvaknin

10 ай бұрын

Similar.

@juliemay9

10 ай бұрын

@samvaknin ~ Thank you Sam✌🏼🤗 What a journey this is! And you have helped me understand. Much to learn. Grow & take on a new resiliency. 🙏

I miss the fantasy

What if the "shared fantasy" produced offspring?

@samvaknin

2 ай бұрын

Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist.

No soul gps. Evil.

As a European movie 😂

My parents are narcs and you always know some is wrong even in denial and grief took not that long i just accepted my mistake and understand its just what they are and accept that too and reflected on what happend and that i need to just move on