👉Watch this next: The 5 Most Essential Recovery Skills: kzread.info/dash/bejne/o6CMppakc7vJhbg.html

When my husband procrastinates and doesn’t follow through on what he says

Not being able to talk to my husband. He gets angry....about everything.

@tinaperez7393

2 жыл бұрын

I don't know if this will help or work, or is an issue anymore, but maybe even show him to his comment and ask him to watch this and the previous video (about the drama triangle) together with you - say you're learning some new communication and relationship skills and would like both of you to learn and practice them so the both of you can benefit the most from them. As I watch these videos and learn / become aware of these things, I can't help but think if families and couples learned these skills and practiced them as a group - adopted these values and techniques / skills - life together would be so much better - we'd know what we could expect from one another when problems arose, we'd know we could count on each other for support and we'd have confidence in things getting better and more fair and loving / respectful / helpful / productive toward each other. I imagine it would make life together much nicer and harmonious. Like everyone's on the same team.

My triggers: 1) when my addict husband, rather than requesting something from me politely, phrases it as if I'm a servant - a waitress, a maid, a hospital caregiver. Instead of asking "Would you please make me bacon and eggs" it's "I'll have bacon and eggs with two slices of toast and mustard on the side." 2) his helpless act and refusal to take responsibility for ANYTHING: "I'm in too much pain to deal with my mother, just don't pick up the phone." His mom will keep calling until someone picks up, he knows that, so it's just deflecting the problem to me.

@maxineanderson8037

Жыл бұрын

I can relate to you

I think people try to fix too much at once. If you have a decade or so of pain and you work through an issue; stop there. Rebond, take the win together. Come back later and work through something else. I think people exhaust themselves and make things worse. If you can't talk much yet find a good song or a movie, eat a bowl of popcorn and just be. Rebuild your foundation.

Omitting information!

Boom! Thanks Amber ☺ Informational and helpful video as per usual

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Awwww Thanks

I’m excited for this one! My dad is in this boat right now, and I’m totally sharing this with him!

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Megan, you're the bestest 😊

Isn’t it so true, that emotions and thoughts are the root to handling everything in life.

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

100%

My trigger is when my husband spends money on illegal drugs. It makes me SO mad 😢

I was diagnosed with complex PTSD from combat and first responder army medic 22 years, Chiari malformation/ decompression, a Hemithyroide removal and mutliple medications for pain, anxiety, depression plus of course adult ADHD / ADD / neurodivergent = VICTIMHOOD getting stuck in my own feeling and emotions especially when i feel i am being scolded rather than feeling like its positive reinforcement or boundaries being set by my wife. We definitely have codependency issues

MY NOTES: BTW, to get all the context, details, examples, and explanations, you need to watch the whole video. These are just my brief notes to help follow along and for review: Watch the first video - the part 1 - that comes before this video that describes the (critical to understand) "Drama Triangle" (the roles of rescuer/hero, victim, persecutor/bully versus coach, creator, challenger). There are also great articles and graphics for the Drama Triangle with notes on Google and Google Images. The Part 1 video from Put the Shovel Down is titled "Family Roles in Addiction & Codependency (a new perspective)" and the text on the thumbnail graphic is "How to stay out of the drama". That video also features relationship counselor Kim Garrett from Amber's clinic who is also in this video. If you're working from emotions, you'll always be on the drama triangle AND YOU WILL NOT MAKE GOOD DECISIONS. You need to get off of the drama triangle and work from / respond from your healthy thoughts, values, intentions, priorities, strategies and relationship, communication, and problem solving skills versus reacting and flying off the handle from your emotions. You've also gotta practice being aware of your emotions and pausing and choosing your response - not reacting to our emotions. It's also useful to be aware of how we're especially susceptible to emotional reactivity and unproductively lashing out when we're in bad self care and physical states like HALTO (too hungry, angry, lonely, tired, overweight and out of shape - things that make us physically depressed and fatigued and uncomfortable, unhappy and less capable in our own skin, clothes, body and environment - physical strength, health and well being, resilience, side effects of poor diet and nutrition, etc. So long term, it's important to resolve those and improve those things too so that we can make THOSE things work for us and be as dependable as they can be for ourselves too.) If you're too upset to think straight and practice the steps and skills from his video, unless someone's gonna run in front of a train or is on fire, it doesn't have to be dealt with right that second. AT TIMES LIKE THIS, DON'T DO ANYTHING UNTIL YOU CAN CALM DOWN WHICH MIGHT MEAN TIME & SPACE. SOMETIMES TIME WILL HELP YOU CALM DOWN SO YOU CAN ACCESS AND APPLY THESE 5 STEPS. Sometimes you can't do anything until you've put some space and time between yourself and the trigger - until you can calm down, think (instead of just feel and react) and choose your response. And yes, this can and should even mean going to bed angry (but not acting or behaving and speaking out of that anger) and sleeping on it - that can literally be all you need to dissipate your anger or bad feelings or process it and or give you a different perspective even as soon as the next morning. The 5 Steps in resolving problems / handling your anger: THE NUMBERS ARE OFF A LITTLE - I ADDED SOME STEPS FROM WHAT THEY COVERED. 1. PRACTICE EMOTIONAL SELF AWARENESS / RECOGNIZE YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE. BE AWARE OF WHEN YOU GET ANGRY AND TRIGGERED AND WHEN YOU WANT TO LASH OUT IN ANGER instead of acting from your values, priorities, goals and long term intentions. 2. PAUSE AND CHOOSE YOUR RESPONSE. PRACTICE SELF AWARENESS OF HOW AND WHAT YOU'RE FEELING AND THE POTENTIAL DESTRUCTIVENESS THAT ACTING OUT OF THOSE EMOTIONS CAN AND WILL CAUSE. KNOW THAT YOU WILL NOT MAKE GOOD DECISIONS OR BEHAVE PRODUCTIVELY AND HELPFULLY WHEN REACTING FROM EMOTIONS. Acting from your emotions will automatically put you on the Drama Triangle and will create ten+ more problems and arguments from your mean and angry behavior. THATS WHY YOU NEED TO ACT OUT OF YOUR VALUES, PRIORITIES AND LONG TERM GOALS AND INTENTIONS AND FROM AND WITH YOUR SKILLS INSTEAD OF YOUR EMOTIONS. 3. PRACTICE HUMILITY & CURIOSITY IN APPROACHING AMD TROUBLESHOOTING THE PROBLEM. Practice humility and an attitude of curiosity (versus a know it all perspective) versus an attitude of judgment and assumption. This is necessary to approaching and resolving any problem. Be aware of your accusations and assumptions and what you want to blame and yell at the other person for and pause. Ask yourself "Could I be wrong?" If not completely wrong, could I be partly wrong? Could there be more to this that I don't understand, could I be partly responsible for this, have I played a part in this or didn't play my part adequately, etc. (have you not been clear on your needs, wants, values, expectations, did you not set up systems and routines for success, was communication not clear or complete, will improvement just take more practice and time, so many things could be involved.) So an attitude or "culture of curiosity" - and what Amber and Kim are also calling humility here - is essential. Versus an attitude of persecution, judgement, criticism, and assumptions that we're right and know all, etc. Basically be aware that your perspective is possibly not only just one piece of the situation but might not even be correct or completely correct and unless you understand the other sides /perspectives / experiences involved, you likely, almost definitely, don't know the whole story and your assumptions and accusations and judgments and feelings are very likely not correct or at the very least not completely correct. It helps to come from and cultivate an attitude and culture of curiosity versus assumption and judgment. - To develop the mantra "to solve a problem, you have to, at the very least, understand what the problem/s is/are.". Before you can know how to solve a problem - or what the solution is - at the very least you need to understand the oroblem first. And if the problem involves other people, then you absolutely need to communicate fully and completely before you can understand one another and what the problem is. Stephen Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People calls this DIAGNOSE BEFORE YOU PRESCRIBE. And that needs to be used with his SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD. Sometimes getting to the "be understood" part isn't even necessary once you've done the first part of understanding (in order to diagnose and then prescribe). One helpful technique to (try to) ensure that communication is complete (you understand them and they understand you and you both are sure the other understands you) is to paraphrase and repeat to them their side, perspective and reasons. 4. EMPATHY. What is it like for the other person? We can get so stuck in our own anger, frustrations, feelings, perceptions, roles, resentments, back stories, histories, patterns, feelings of vindications, justifications, triggers, etc., feelings of what we don't deserve, etc., that we forget that we need to give some mental bandwidth to the people in our lives, especially our loved ones. We can forget that the people we're screaming at can be the people we love the most. So we need to remember that love is a verb. And the feelings of love are the fruit of the behaviors and actions is love. And in this case, love means practicing empathy and healthy, effective communication and problem resolution skills. Also, practicing empathy, doing what it takes to understand the other person's perspective, can often de-escalate our own desire to want to to fly off the handle and react emotionally to the other person and situation. If you use empathy, you might very likely realize that you were all geared up to fight a battle that you didn't even need to fight and either didn't exist as you saw it or was just out of proportion or perspective in your head. 5. RELIABILITY. You decide that you're going to be responsible enough to show up for your loved ones / your people in the way that they need you to show up. And then you're going to be consistent with that so that you're reliable - so that they know what to expect from you when problems occur and that is will be a helpful, productive, positive, relationship building experience. They'll know you'll be there for them and that they can count on you to be mature and helpful toward problem solving. "So that they can come to you and know that you might lose it a little bit but then you'll rein it back in and be helpful and that's consistent." Be reliable in how you approach problems so that your loved ones can rely on you to behave in a helpful way when problems happen. The concept of psychological safety comes to mind here. People who feel psychologically safe to open up will be less defensive, values, validated, appreciated and more cooperative because they won't feel invalidated and under attack. They'll feel like they and you are on the same team and that they can contribute to the solution and shared goals and that it's not about you wanting to get a temporary emotional fix of getting back at them. See my comment to this comment for the rest of these notes.

@tinaperez7393

2 жыл бұрын

PART 2 OF MY COMMENT: IS ANY OF THIS FAIR? WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO DOES THIS - HAS TO USE THESE 5 STEPS? BECAUSE: 1) IT WORKS and it's not about what's fair it's about what's effective - what works. 2) AT THE VERY LEAST IT GETS YOU OUT OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE. IF YOU STAY IN THE PERSECUTOR ROLE, THEY OTHER PERSON WILL AUTOMATICALLY STAY IN THE VICTIM ROLE. 3) you won't be adding to the resentments and bad feelings the other person uses to justify their behavior. Well, for one, if everyone especially in a couple, family or even workplace can commit to learning and practice this, then obviously that would be the best situation. However, if only one person practices this and that's you, only you can control you - only you can decide to use these skills (you can't control others) and just you're alone doing this will make things a million times better just from that alone. The person who needs to practice these steps is YOU (and anyone else who is learning and practicing these skills), not because it feels or even is fair, but because YOU are the person AWARE of these things now. The person who has learned these skills is the person now responsible for using them because THEY (YOU/ME/US) are now AWARE of these skills. Someone who isn't aware and or doesn't know these skills CAN'T by definition be responsible for them because they don't even know them / isn't aware of them so they CAN'T use them. Learning these or any new skills follows this path: AWARENESS, EDUCATION, RESPONSIBILITY. Sometimes the education part of learning and implementing a new skill requires practice and repetition to reach a certain level of competence especially if the responsibility for a certain skill or task or job requires a certain level of proven, demonstrated competence before responsibility for it can be given or expected (like certain certifications or licenses or jobs - like a nurse, dentist, plumber or sniper) BUT, relatively / comparably simple concepts like these are something we can all be responsible for implementatimg, practicing and getting better at after becoming aware of them and some basic learning, reviewing, repetiton, and retention. These steps / this problem handling and solving approach is effective because at the very least, when you use it, you're getting off the drama triangle and not staying in the bad guy / persecutor role AND you're not ADDING to the resentments and justifications that the other person already blames you for and or uses to justify their victimhood in general AND in relation to you. If you actually come at them from the attitude that you're perfect, you know everything, you're right about everything and they're wrong, and it's all on them to change and you can't and shouldn't have to do anything differently or better, there's nothing you have to own up to, and if you behave as if the relationship is a one way street, showing no humility, no consideration of how you can do things differently and/ or what the other person needs from you, and no empathy, understanding or reliability, Applying this approach isn't about what is or what might feel fair to you but what's effective - what works. It's what gets you out of the Drama Triangle. Kim says that when she hears a spouse or partner go off about their partner and get into the blame game (in an individual one on one session with her), she knows that even if that person has a thousand valid points, their partner isn't going to hear anything they have to say and is going to just feel unheard because it's all an attack and coming from the persecutor role on the drama triangle and will definitely put the blamed partner in the victim and self pitying role. Your staying in the persecutor role will automatic keep the other person in the victim role. Kim says to that angry blaming spouse or partner that they need to follow those 5 steps in communication and problem solving because otherwise the other person won't be able to hear them at all AND using the 5 steps is the only way that progress can be made - the blaming partner needs to use humility and curiosity to consider what they can do or see differently, needs to see things more from the other person's experience, and needs to practice empathy / understanding, and consider how and what they can do differently. These steps not only are effective because they get the pair off the drama triangle, but it can create psychological safety where the other person feels safe and trusting enough to open up AND, eventually, in turn, even listen, consider and value what the OTHER person has to say. Kim says they should consider how their partner would feel and respond when the blaming partner goes at them with all guns blazing, etc. You're just not going to get anywhere. So you HAVE to use these five steps. Examples of using humility and empathy: Kim says to her client who's stuck in the blame game, "okay, everything youre saying makes sense to me but you have to show some humility. You have to be able to recognize and acknowledge / admit to the other person where you're wrong, have been wrong, etc. And then you have to be able to develop the awareness of what it's like for the other person when you come in that way -(when you approach them all blaming and angry, etc.) So then you've got your awareness, humility and empathy. So when you feel yourself going down the blame game route or another emotional trigger, that's one example of where you need to stop and use the 5 steps detailed here. .

Great information

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Gosh, Thanks so much! How did you come across our videos?

@HelotesHellRaiser

4 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown I work as a substance use disorder counselor in Texas and I just love your videos. I usually listen to them on my way to work you have very solid advice

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Awwww, thank you so much for the nice feedback. Good to know we’ve got you fighting the good fight out there in TX. My sister lives in Dallas😄. How did you get into being Substance Abuse counselor (it’s definitely not for the faint of heart 😜)?

@HelotesHellRaiser

4 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown personal experience with family members. We cover the whole Spectrum with alcohol, meth, heroin. So far everyone's doing well but it certainly wasn't always that way

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

HelotesHellRaiser Sounds like we’ve got a lot in common. I also come from and addicted family!

Another great video y’all!! I’d love to talk with Kim....I need some major help in my relationship w my alcoholic husband .

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks A BB! Kim is great. She's definitely who I'd go to if I needed advice about a relationship.

I got a plan. Make Everyone I know and meet watch this video. That way they know I know all the reason for what they are doing witch will not make the game of drama as much fun so they won't play it anymore. And as for me, I know how it works so I can see what I'm getting myself into and why I'm doing something so I can change it. Then I will give everyone a refresher course once a week. MY LIFE COULD LITERALLY BE DRAMA FREE FOREVER.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Love it!!!

I have a sibling who knows more about everything than anyone including God. I am not in relatiomship with her anymore. You mention being reactionary when hungry. I am reactionary when I am in physical pain. I live with chronic pain and often don't sleep well. Than I push myself to accomplish my too long list everyday. I will implode if my pain is a 9 and somebody messed up the kitchen or didn't appreciate my whatever.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

You make a great point about being easily triggered when in pain.

Ive been married for 35 years and have been known my husband since i was 12 its hus way no matter what after 35 years its driving me crazy l have gone alot with him he was a functioning addict with drinking and coke like 25 and still had everything his way i don't pay it any attention. He was able to do like you always suggest getting sober while being in every day life.He still thinks his way only

What drives me crazy is when my alcoholic fiancé brings up topics we've already talked through. Bringing them up as if they've never been acknowledged before, making me feel like those discussions meant nothing. 😩🤦‍♀️

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Unfortunately, He probably doesn't remember having the conversations. 😫

These skills take time to develop. I think it's good to allow your partner, family member a time out. If I am in a ton of pain and you let me take a Tylenol and give me an hour, it's a different conversation.

Hi! Great vidoe but I cant find the previous one on how to stay off the drama train. Can you drop the link?

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Hi Lena, thanks for the kind feedback. I believe this is the video you're looking for: kzread.info/dash/bejne/qaR-tZVvj66qfso.html

Okay, my head is spinning with the roles and the things to keep in mind. This is good stuff but I’m finding it hard to conceptualizer by hearing it. Maybe I have a different learning style that needs to get it by another means. ??

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Hey Brenda, Have you already seen this one? I think this one might be a bit easier to understand. kzread.info/dash/bejne/qaR-tZVvj66qfso.html

him sleeping when i’m doing everything

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

I bet that is maddening!

Will this only work if both he and I watch the video and make the effort ? Or if I start doing approaching i from what I learn it still be affective and I’ll see results ? Thank you

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Hi Melissa, when you change the way you react, others start changing the way they react to you.

I know this is dumb, but it drives me crazy that my husband will not put his clothes in the hamper. He doesn't pick up after himself but this is the worst. He says he is going to wear the shorts/shirt tomorrow because he only wore it a couple hours. Tomorrow he gets another set of clothes out and says the same thing. I let it go for a week once, and found all his clothes under the bed, in a drawer, and on the floor by the bed at the end of the week. So every day when you I do laundry, I have to look for his clothes. How can I get him to do this ONE THING? I'm willing to let the rest go, but this really gets to me. And btw he is sober.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Hi Lori, I bet you're not the only one with this problem! The good news is that these 5 steps will work to improve any relationship (not just those in recovery). If you try these 5 steps with your husband, I'd love to hear how it works out.

@susanachziger4358

2 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown Why not just let go of owning his behavior with his clothes? If he doesn't put it in the hamper, then don't go looking for it. You are, it seems, willing to wash the clothes that are in the hamper. If they aren't there, they don't get washed. At some point, if he wants them clean, he will either wash them himself or he will start putting them in the hamper. Have a calm, peaceful energy around this action--not spiteful or "punishing"--just matter of fact.

What pushes my buttons? Accusations from aggressive paranoid delusional people. I'm not delusional enough to understand how they feel (to have empathy).

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

😂😜

The thing that bothers me the most is lying.

Could I be wrong? What’s my part in this?

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Bingo!

OH man...just one thing that irks me?? I have 10! LOL My kids leaving snack wrappers everywhere but the trash! ugh. This is SO GOOD! Thanks Kim & Amber! :)

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching!

@taylernoelle1

4 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown :)

so then who ends up having to clean up the kitchen in this case at the end of the day then?

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Hahahah Good question Tiana!

Double standards.

I hope this is aimd at marriges where they are struggling with adiction and the woman decided to stay in dysfunction on purpos?otherways this advice sounds insane. Becuse healthy families dont loke like this. People CAN be respectfull of a clean home, all children dont smoke joints. I know, I have lived in such a family dynamic. And no jedi skills needed.

I hear your deep southern accent, and I already know you’re gonna tell me the Bible says to submit. Lulz thank you no

MY NOTES: BTW, to get all the context, details, examples, and explanations, you need to watch the whole video. These are just my brief notes to help follow along and for review: Watch the first video - the part 1 - that comes before this video that describes the (critical to understand) "Drama Triangle" (the roles of rescuer/hero, victim, persecutor/bully versus coach, creator, challenger). There are also great articles and graphics for the Drama Triangle with notes on Google and Google Images. The Part 1 video from Put the Shovel Down is titled "Family Roles in Addiction & Codependency (a new perspective)" and the text on the thumbnail graphic is "How to stay out of the drama". That video also features relationship counselor Kim Garrett from Amber's clinic who is also in this video. If you're working from emotions, you'll always be on the drama triangle. You need to get off of that and work from / respond from your healthy thoughts, values, intentions, priorities, strategies and relationship, communication, and problem solving skills versus reacting and flying off the handle from your emotions. You've also gotta practice being aware of your emotions and pausing and choosing your response - not reaxtinf to our emotions. It's also useful to be aware of how we're especially susceptible to emotional reactivity and unproductively lashing out when we're in bad self care and physical states like HALTO (too hungry, angry, lonely, tired, overweight and out of shape - things that make us physically depressed and fatigued and uncomfortable, unhappy and less capable in our own skin, clothes, body and environment - physical strength, health and well being, resilience, side effects of poor diet and nutrition, etc. So long term, it's important to resolve those and improve those things too so that we can make THOSE things work for us and be as dependable as they can be for ourselves too.) If you're too upset to think straight and practice the steps and skills from his video, unless someone's gonna run in front of a train or is on fire, don't do anything until you've put some space and time between yourself and the trigger. And yes this can and should even mean going to bed angry (but not acting or behaving and speaking out of that anger) and sleeping on it - that can literally be all you need to dissipate your anger or bad feelings or process it and or give you a different perspective even as soon as the next morning. The 5 Steps in resolving problems / handling your anger: THE NUMBERS ARE OFF A LITTLE - I ADDED SOME STEPS FROM WHAT THEY COVERED. 1. PRACTICE EMOTIONAL SELF AWARENESS / RECOGNIZE YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE. BE AWARE OF WHEN YOU GET ANGRY AND TRIGGERED AND WHEN YOU WANT TO LASH OUT IN ANGER instead of acting from your values, priorities, goals and long term intentions. 2. PAUSE AND CHOOSE YOUR RESPONSE. PRACTICE SELF AWARENESS OF HOW AND WHAT YOU'RE FEELING AND THE POTENTIAL DESTRUCTIVENESS THAT ACTING OUT OF THOSE EMOTIONS CAN AND WILL CAUSE. KNOW THAT YOU WILL NOT MAKE GOOD DECISIONS OR BEHAVE PRODUCTIVELY AND HELPFULLY WHEN REACTING FROM EMOTIONS. Acting from your emotions will automatically put you on the Drama Triangle and will create ten+ more problems and arguments from your mean and angry behavior. THATS WHY YOU NEED TO ACT OUT OF YOUR VALUES, PRIORITIES AND LONG TERM GOALS AND INTENTIONS AND FROM AND WITH YOUR SKILLS INSTEAD OF YOUR EMOTIONS. 3. PRACTICE HUMILITY & CURIOSITY IN APPROACHING AMD TROUBLESHOOTING THE PROBLEM. Practice humility and an attitude of curiosity (versus a know it all perspective) versus an attitude of judgment and assumption. This is necessary to approaching and resolving any problem. Be aware of your accusations and assumptions and what you want to blame and yell at the other person for and pause. Ask yourself "Could I be wrong?" If not completely wrong, could I be partly wrong? Could there be more to this that I don't understand, could I be partly responsible for this, have I played a part in this or didn't play my part adequately, etc. (have you not been clear on your needs, wants, values, expectations, did you not set up systems and routines for success, was communication not clear or complete, will improvement just take more practice and time, so many things could be involved.) So an attitude or "culture of curiosity" - and what Amber and Kim are also calling humility here - is essential. Versus an attitude of persecution, judgement, criticism, and assumptions that we're right and know all, etc. Basically be aware that your perspective is possibly not only just one piece of the situation but might not even be correct or completely correct and unless you understand the other sides /perspectives / experiences involved, you likely, almost definitely, don't know the whole story and your assumptions and accusations and judgments and feelings are very likely not correct or at the very least not completely correct. It helps to come from and cultivate an attitude and culture of curiosity versus assumption and judgment. - To develop the mantra "to solve a problem, you have to, at the very least, understand what the problem/s is/are.". Before you can know how to solve a problem - or what the solution is - at the very least you need to understand the oroblem first. And if the problem involves other people, then you absolutely need to communicate fully and completely before you can understand one another and what the problem is. Stephen Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People calls this DIAGNOSE BEFORE YOU PRESCRIBE. And that needs to be used with his SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD. Sometimes getting to the "be understood" part isn't even necessary once you've done the first part of understanding (in order to diagnose and then prescribe). One helpful technique to (try to) ensure that communication is complete (you understand them and they understand you and you both are sure the other understands you) is to paraphrase and repeat to them their side, perspective and reasons. 4. EMPATHY. What is it like for the other person? We can get so stuck in our own anger, frustrations, feelings, perceptions, roles, resentments, back stories, histories, patterns, feelings of vindications, justifications, triggers, etc., feelings of what we don't deserve, etc., that we forget that we need to give some mental bandwidth to the people in our lives, especially our loved ones. We can forget that the people we're screaming at can be the people we love the most. So we need to remember that love is a verb. And the feelings of love are the fruit of the behaviors and actions is love. And in this case, love means practicing empathy and healthy, effective communication and problem resolution skills. Also, practicing empathy, doing what it takes to understand the other person's perspective, can often de-escalate our own desire to want to to fly off the handle and react emotionally to the other person and situation. If you use empathy, you might very likely realize that you were all geared up to fight a battle that you didn't even need to fight and either didn't exist as you saw it or was just out of proportion or perspective in your head. 5. RELIABILITY. Be reliable in how you approach oroblems so that your loved ones can rely on you to behave in a helpful way when problems happen. The concept of psychological safety comes to mind here. People who feel psychologically safe to open up will be less defensive and more cooperative because they won't feel invalidated and under attack. IS ANY OF THIS FAIR? WHY SHOULD TOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO DOES THIS? Well, for one, if everyone especially in a couple, family or even workplace can commit to learning and practice this, then obviously that would be the best situation. However, if only one person practices this and that's you, only you can control you (you can't control others) and that will make things a million times better just from that alone. The person who needs to practice these steps is YOU (and anyone else who is learning and practicing these skills), not because it feels or even is fair, but because YOU are the person AWARE of these things now. The person who has learned these skills is the person now responsible for using them because THEY (YOU/ME/US) are now AWARE of these skills. Someone who isn't aware and or doesn't know these skills CAN'T by definition be responsible for them because they don't even know them so they CAN'T use them. Learning these or any new skills follows this path: AWARENESS, EDUCATION, RESPONSIBILITY. Sometimes the education part of learning and implementing a new skill requires practice and repetition to reach a certain level of competence especially if the responsibility for a certain skill or task or job requires a certain level of proven, demonstrated competence before responsibility for it can be given or expected (like certain certifications or licenses or jobs - like a nurse, dentist, plumber or sniper) BUT, relatively / comparably simple concepts like these are something we can all be responsible for implementatimg, practicing and getting better at after becoming aware of them and some basic learning, reviewing, repetiton, and retention. These steps / this problem handling and solving approach is effective because at the very least, when you use it, you're not staying in the bad guy / persecutor role AND you're not ADDING to the resentments that the other person already blames you for and uses to justify their victimhood in general AND in relation to you. Applying this approach isn't about what is or what might feel fair to you but what's effective - what works. It's what gets you out of the Drama Triangle.