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Thank you for saying “do not try to fix them.” I made the mistake of thinking i could love a man enough to fix his problems. And in the end, they are the cold, hard rock that you crash up against. You end up damaged yourself. When a man is behaving this way, he has to want to fix it himself. Why would he fix anything when he’s already being showered with love? Men who are like this usually operate from a very simple state. “Am i getting everything i want from this woman?” The fact that you’re not getting your needs met isn’t a factor for them. At all. Do not try to fix them or love them enough. My ex soaked it all up and then cheated while telling me he was on work trips. He wanted his cake and to eat it, too. Because i was that good to him. Why should he leave, when he can lie and have everything? Don’t make that mistake. By learning from coaches like Mat, i’m with a great guy. He doesn’t hesitate be there for me.

@Varenyam86

7 ай бұрын

This. This was my life lesson too. Painful but needed. Never will do so again 😅

@alysarushtonenergy135

6 ай бұрын

Omg I was literally thinking this!!!

Another sign of emotional unavailability is talking all the time but only about a certain topic (e.g. work). An emotionally unavailable person craves connection but is also deeply afraid of it so they'll get it in very small bite sized chunks here and there, while also keeping the person at arm's reach. Additionally when the emotionally available person pulls away, the emotionally unavailable person chases them because they care.

@shaniac7723

7 ай бұрын

Tell me why this is exactly what I'm experiencing 🙃 😅 lmao

@amyproudfoot6611

7 ай бұрын

Truth 💯

I married such a man, and into such a family. These people live in a fantasy world, and they push problems under the rug. If there is a problem, they blame on you for disrupting the fantasy…. I left my husband after 4 years of “feeling” alone in our marriage. Now’s he’s a changed man. AND I “divorced” my in-laws because they’re just as difficult to deal with. I’d rather be married to one narcissist than four.

My mom passed and he wouldn't even sympathize with me when he called, he'd avoid the topic when he could clearly see that am sobbing every time he calls 😢

@Olga8888

7 ай бұрын

❤

@Varenyam86

7 ай бұрын

❤ I found my cat dead when coming home. He once lived with him. Nothing. Wouldn't even come to say goodbye or support me. I had to call a vet in the middle of the night, to perfom emergency euthanasia on my cat. Nothing. 3 months later I had my eldest cat, scheduled for euthanasia the day after. He knew. Nothing. A few days after he finally send a text.. 😅 and then acted surprised and defensive when I was angry at him 🙄 I think grief is the most difficult emotions for them to handle. It's so big, full of love and emptiness.. they can't deal with that at all..

This was absolutely perfect! I noticed so much of this with the last person I invested in. He 💯 percent was emotionally unavailable. One thing I noticed, is anytime I gave him a gift that would possibly attach to a sentimental value(a zippo engraved for his bday) he would really pull back. I realized that I was pouring into him and I was getting nothing in return. I don't even text him now.

It’s like asking a homeless man for $20. Someone can’t give you something they don’t have and you can’t get blood from a turnip.

I was in an occasion with my man, and a movie was been played that broke me down in tears. The movie took me down memory lanes of my loved ones i has lost. My man simply looked at me like I was creating an unnecessary scene, got up and went outside for some fresh air. When we got home and I talked about it, he kept changing the topic to something lighter😢 He's got all the signs you talked about. This vid right here is the kick I've been waiting for to walk away. Unfortunately he ticks all my boxes.😭

These are great signs to look for. I was with a narcissist who started out with everything good for a month or two. Then it was irritability and picking fights and realizing there was no way this guy is mature enough or stable enough to have a relationship period. He was not emotionally available and never would be.

I wish I had known this before I was married. You just described my husband perfectly. My husband has been emotionally unavailable our whole marriage(17 years). He tries, but he was raised by emotionally unavailable parents and he has no way of connecting to me. I have learned to live with it because I made a vow, "Till death do us part," but it is lonely at times. We just went to dinner last night and try as I might to talk to him about things he just sat there and let every conversation die out. He then took out his phone and started looking at TikToks. He then said how his dad never took his mom out because he always wanted to be with his children, and he thought maybe he should do that too. He said that he missed the interactions of the children, and I can understand that, but it hurts that he cannot connect with me after all this time. He feels that after we talked about the highlights of the day we have discussed all there is to discuss, and we have no more to say to each other.😢

A sign of dating an emotionally unavailable person: you communicate your standards and they react as if you are being an overly sensitive child asking for too much. Thank you, next!

Yep, the last guy that wanted to date me, I let him chase me for quite awhile and when I said yes, he backed out, and when I saw him at a place I go to that someone in my family passed he got up after a minute and walked away and didn't stay there to support me.

Matt you hit the nail on the head! I hope other women listen to this and make good decisions for themselves.

Great advise! I stopped trying to fix them and allowed myself to fix me! The wait is long but I don’t give up that one day I’ll meet the right one!❤😊

There are a lot of videos about the other person being emotionally unavailable, but not many about when it’s actually yourself.

this particular sure sign which I had missed - a major red flag, was the fact that my ex never told his parents about our relationship although I had informed my parents, throughout our 6 years of dating..another sign was the fact that he was not there for me when I needed him the most...another one was the fact that he always used humour to get out of serious deep conversations.

@Flufero23

7 ай бұрын

I had the same situation. I never met his family or friends. He met my sister, but no others. He turned down invitations to holiday dinners.

Connecting became difficult especially when my mom died. I noticed that seeing me in constant pain and turmoil he didn't seem affected by it seeing me like that or not even shed a tear when my mom was like a mom to him. I knew this man since childhood. It was weird to me...

@blessedbee186

15 күн бұрын

They r like robots

Do emotionally unavailable men gravitate and bond with women who have a history of having been abused, either physically or emotionally? I am thinking that women like this would be less inclined to expect very much from a partner and put up with this.

@IndigoHazelnut

7 ай бұрын

Yepp.. It is very well known in relationship psychology as the anxious - avoidant trap

He broke up with me out of the blue, after two times it was enough and I warned him that there would not be a third time.. and so it happened I left him when he did that again.

You explain it well, and so does Elliott dating couch as he explains it . Emotionally unavailable.

Your schooling is amazing ❤ Thanks Mat.

Checking if I'm emotionally unavailable too 😂

So true and trying to fix or believing he has a good a heart or showing emphathy to his terrible childhood led me to be with a narcissist and my child suffer from that. I am finally out of the relationship but having spent 10 years in that every day you sometimes forget how valuable you are and either put walls up or end up with not narcissist this time but workaholic or emotionally unavailable guys. I find it hard to balance so I have been out of dating for years and find it difficult to get back to it really. These videos are encouraging.

Silence treatment for months... He told me he liked me, we had some really sweet moments together - and then he suddenly got cold and silent ... for months and months...you know, kind of cemetery vibe... I read tones of pages on how to "fix" me, him, us. My mistake, I see that now. Thanks God it's over now. I wish him well, I really do. Far-far away from me.

@beyond_horizon_8

7 ай бұрын

Same story here

I spent 20 years of my life with a man who was unemotionally available. It was a very toxic and unhappy situation. He created the idea in my head that I was the source of all the problems and no matter what I said or did it was never enough. We split last year ( he was actually cheating on me ! ). Matt is so right with everything he has said in this video and I'm the one that has ended up being damaged and believing that I'm unloveable and a bad person. At the age of 62 ( although I don't look it ), I think it's unlikely that I will ever be able find anyone else. At least my pets love me !

🙈 I have been in love with a man who is emotionally unavailable for 20 years!! He keeps coming back to me and we have a lot of fun outdoors. But the moment I want to go deeper, he pulls away and I don’t see or hear from him for weeks or months. He does ALL these things. And I have always wondered what is wrong with me. Nice to know it is not me.

@blessedbee186

15 күн бұрын

It is u bc u have low self esteem and allow this behavior 20 yrs no commitment? Love urself more.

i was talking to a guy and i like him alot and the moment i realised he wasnt ready for a relationship was when i communicate with him about things that he did that bothers me he would made it seem like im im being childish or over reacted it like it is okay and shows no remorse im like thats it ....ill never u call u again

I have these signs and I'm a girl..

Thank you so much. I’m healing from this now, i was blindsided by an emotionally unavailable man. Thank you.😔❤

Bingo! Everything you’re saying is spot on in my situation.

What is the difference between emotionally unavailable and an avoidant attachment style would love to know more about this thank you so much ❤

@Flufero23

7 ай бұрын

I'm not sure, but I think they're different terms for the same condition.

@indiakxoxo

6 ай бұрын

Nothing. Avoidants are emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable is like a trait and avoidant an attachment style but they correlate

Wow. Thankyou for this very validating clarity. Priceless.

Excellent advise! Thank you❣️

Very good advice and right on point thank you for this advice ❤

GREAT advice and insight! Thank you ❤

Thanks for the video! 🙏Just broke up with my partner as he stonewalled me ie did not talk to me for a day or two when we should have had an honest conversation. He is a teacher and for me he was too close to his adult female students- shared stuff about his private life, went grab coffee with them etc. I asked him to keep our private life private. I wanted to feel and be a priority for him. When i came up with the topic, he went silent and blamed me.. he did not get how I was feeling. I gave it a try but realized nothing would change as he was unable to handle emotional conflicts. When I broke up with him, he said it was my decision and my fault…

@zanm7407

7 ай бұрын

I'm a lady and I think you did the right thing. It sounds like he was 'fishing around' even though he already has you. I'm sure your decision to break up with him wasn't easy. *Hugs*

@lisahull6745

7 ай бұрын

That must have been difficult for you. I’m sorry. Don’t look back. Have faith in your decision because you’re a high value woman. Seems he had little or no regard for the effort and discipline a relationship requires. Communication is a top priority for women.

@megyerizsuzsadora

3 ай бұрын

@zanm7407 thanks so much for your lovely words❤🌷

@megyerizsuzsadora

3 ай бұрын

@lisahull6745 thanks so much Lisa! 🌷🤗

You are completely right, it happen to me, and my life was a misery! Now I know too badly. He is far away, but al you are described is not present in our conversation ! I am so grateful to you !!

This is what am facing right now Thank u for this video Now I know what to do

HOLY THIS IS SO TRUE, ALL THE SIGNS ARE SO TRUE !!!!!

thank you for saying that , this my past relationship....your words really help.

I am too available for emotionally unavailable guy.

In my situation, I have noticed the disconnect and distance after the greatest moment. The person as well would drift to talk about an unpleasant moment with ex which would change the energy of us getting closer. After conversations and discussions of the pattern of these behaviors the person would seemingly trying to maintain focus, attention and self control for a few days then fall right back into the avoidance phase after a great moment 😳

@Flufero23

7 ай бұрын

Same here. After a particularly fun experience or date I wouldn't hear from him for weeks.

@debbielightmillercurtisaut9631

7 ай бұрын

@@Flufero23 This is not the right person for us… We want a man who is able to handle and manage these moments in a responsible caring, attentive way, not in an avoidance manner. If the person is not emotionally available… the answer is clear… the individual is not ready to start a wholesome relationship. We must create boundaries after we notice the pattern so we don’t get hurt or used in the process. Thanks for sharing this. I appreciate you realizing this and making the necessary adjustments to not be used.❤️

@lailac8802

5 ай бұрын

​​@@debbielightmillercurtisaut9631thank you for sharing! I couldn't understand what I am currently experiencing. Now I don't feel aIone. I have dated a guy for 5 months. He took it very slowly which I found pleasant eventually. He started to open after 4 months and we had such amazing full days and evenings together but the week after our last great date he was weird. It was like getting back one month backwards. He was distant and I finally found the courage to open the discussion. The result is, he doesn't feel strong enough to commit to a new relationship while starting a new job. But telling me at the same time that I am the perfect person for him and that he likes me so much... Very confusing... Anyway, you are right, we need to move on and focus on the men who can commit and have a healthy relationship. Good luck and keep strong ❤

He put the brakes on, friendzoned me, but still flirts. I'm so confused!!!

@polishmeow8298

7 ай бұрын

I advise you better love yourself and not settle on half-hearted people. It's a disrespect on yourself..

I just broke up with a guy who was always emotionally unavailable. He would always shut down completely. I tried to help, but it got too much for me. I had to walk away! 😢😢

I’d say when it’s going well 4/5 dates in they start getting busy or just pull away. They avoid certain subjects about relationship with a parent or don’t want to talk about their past or anything too deep where they have to be vulnerable emotionally. Or they can overshare sometimes They love being happy and positive moments but it all stop out of nowhere

@Flufero23

7 ай бұрын

They are also very comfortable being "friends" and tend to remain friends with ex girlfriends. I told my ex " no friendship for me."

Thank you for this helpful video, always great content. My ex boyfriend checks all the boxes mentioned in this video!

Wow, this is helpful. AT first, this is regarding my daughter and this guy. We thought he was okay. But yes, it's confusing. He was all over her but also over other girls too. I told her if he liked you. He would never show "attention" to another girl in front of you. Friendly yes, but the priority should be on you.

I was looking for his signs and i discovered mine..im the one who is unavaliable 🤯

@Varenyam86

7 ай бұрын

Same! I've been working really hard on this. And the funny thing is, with every step you take and heal a bit, people around you change. Heck, even online content changes and responses on dating sites. It's wild! Such a cool reflection though, seeing that you're succeeding with your inner work and become whole and available. Wishing the same for you ❤ I'm sure you'll get there, acknowledging this is a BIG step 💪🏻👍🏻

@mae88b.16

7 ай бұрын

I thought I’m avoidant

I’m doing a lot of learning and growing since my main relationship “went south”. There are a lot of coaches that are guiding women to improve their confidence and about relationships and how to have healthy ones. I’m thinking there are going to be a lot of women looking for healthy masculine, emotionally mature men, and the pool of such men will be much less!! 😅 Matt (or anyone) is there any channel you would recommend for guys to learn about healthy relationships and grow? Thank you, really appreciate your work 🙏🏽🙂

I was ghosted by someone who came on VERY STRONG and basically love bombed me for the first 1.5 months until we became intimate and then he stopped contacting me for 8 days until I texted him. He then responded right away and we started seeing each other again and he told me he loved me etc. etc. Yet he stopped communicating with me on a daily basis like we used to, and we saw each other 2 x week but he didn’t reach out except for to say good morning and set a time to see each other. Then when I set a boundary with him because of the distance he put between us he slowly disappeared / ghosted me altogether after 3 months of seeing each other in total…. glad I didn’t waste any more time with him…

Yeah and its excruciating to be in a relationship with someone that is emotionally unavailable

You described my father.

Hi Mat! This one (as a lot of your videos do) really hit home. Boy was my ex-husband emotionally unavailable...when I was upset or found out bad news (ie my moms cancer getting worse, etc) he would blow up, explode...and then later would say that I was yelling at him. There was A LOT of examples of his wanting to play and not take and adult responsibilities seriously, not take my needs when I voice them seriously, etc etc. So my question to you...at what point should we be vulnerable and open up in a deep and meaningful way with people we're dating to figure out if they can open up also? I stated talking to one guy and the 1st time we actually spoke over the Dating app phone function, he opened up about some deep, really deep stuff that had happened to him and I was taken a back..I did share of my own experiences but then panicked bc I was like 'is this guy for real or just trying to find out about my own vulnerabilities?' ... we met up, really hit it off, he wanted to see me again and seems led stoked for that...and then 2 days later deleted me in the app...I was pretty surprised at that...glad to the universe bc for whatever reason he obviously wasn't the right guy for me....but I sort of regretted the extent to how much I opened up and shared with him... When is it appropriate (and not appropriate) to go deep and be vulnerable? At what point should we expect the guy to do the same? Thanks SO much! :) Sum

I have a question actually, how much time shall a person take to understand that the person is emotionally unavailable? and secondly, how to not develop feelings and not to develop attachment for people like that before you are actually in a committed relationship=

I wish this video was available with my last relationship, but I eventually figured it out.

#2 though I take a while to be emotionally vulnerable bc I have to know someone quite well and trust them. Just bc a guy is able to listen to your stories or likes you vulnerable it doesn't mean he's trustworthy. A guy who is emotional too quickly scares me. I don't believe he actually values it or he wants to get me connected too quickly. He could be an emotional vampire.

@cmmontrose1469

7 ай бұрын

Excellent point 👌🏻

OMG this is exactly what happened to me cos I was really liking a marine but wondered why when I was starting to feel close to him our next interaction he’d sound like he’s talking to a stranger and I feel the difference. And I’m like what happened? Lol I thought we were getting closer! And then it would be about something intimate and then he’d sound like he’s talking to a neighbor 😅🤣😂 so insane’ Finally I took a good look at myself and my life - my accomplishments, my background, my relationships with my family & friends and realized DAWG that’s not me! He is crazy lol. And you’re right he’s probably there but you know what’s even more right is as much as I understand him it’s not my job to fix him and if he doesn’t want to dance with sexy me baby that’s not my loss! Lol i sashay on! ❤❤❤

When I would give a suggestion of something that we could change in our relationship to make it better or more successful the response would be well if you think you can do better than me that’s fine, so just leave.. but you’ll probably be back. I was focusing on trying to feel closer, but obviously they felt threatened by any change.

Couldn’t say I love you and didn’t know how they felt

Listening to all these tips actually makes me feel sorry for these type of people. They are hurting 💔 but yes it's not our job to heal them. They need professional help.

This came on perfect timing 🙏 Does it make sense to confront a guy about his fear?

@Mayfloweralways

7 ай бұрын

No. Because no part of emotional attraction is rooted in being his psychologist. You can comment on behavior, but unless he wants to be a different person, it’s not really going to matter to him why he is the person he is right now.

@Youareloved511

7 ай бұрын

That is a very good point - thank you for this response 🙏

@IndigoHazelnut

7 ай бұрын

The likelihood is that you will bring it to light and the person would deny it wholeheartedly.. Because this is all very subconscious..

This is so funny because my boyfriend of six years never brought an issue up one time and then suddenly broke up with me. I did not see the signs he was emotionally unavailable and communicating with himself in his mind.

Not necessarily...if one is just dating, he or she might have other prospects that might work better...and he or she just isn't sure

My daughter's father is this way

The question must not be "Why is he behaving this way? " but "Why am I letting myself been treated this way? " The truth is my lacking self-esteem and dignity.

Lol I think I’m emotionally unavailable 😅😂 ops I love how you said “ some woman “ not even her name You love your wife so much ❤❤❤❤

Why do I always try to fix these men?? This is my question to self. Stepping away from these relationships is incredibly traumatic, but when you do, over time you begin to realise that they were not wh they portrayed to be in the beginning. If they had a terrible childhood, I have realised that it is not my fault and nothing I could ever do would fix it! Whilst in the proceeds of trying, I broke myself 😢

He actually said that he wasn’t good at relationships.

Talladle ha nights. At Applebees. Everything’s going great. Family talking about returning every week for a family dinner and the dad flips, then leaves…yep🙌🏾.

Ghosting

Anyone on here who was with an emotionally unavailable man did it feel as though your the wrong sex ie did you ever think he was gay at any point, only iv just had to leave a 4yr relationship with someone I have real feelings for but somethings always felt off as in great at the beginning but he’s never been really interested in physical intimacy and really selfish towards me, we was meant to be moving in together but I can’t take the rejection anymore 😢

I got a little bit chocked that I found out, I am actually the one being unavailible 😅

How does one stop being this way?

@Mayfloweralways

7 ай бұрын

This may be difficult to hear, but by not hoping it still works out. This will free you to create distance or let him drift away. If he wants to recognize his problems, he will realize you do not keep men around who treat you badly. And you kindly say that. “ i noticed i feel really confused with you. I’m not really seeing signs that you really want this. I think i need some time to sort this out. I want a relationship that doesn’t feel like it’s not going anywhere.” You tell him. Directly. And you know full well he could walk away. And you know that if he does, he was playing games. Never let a man drift in and out as he pleases. It’s not out of love. It’s out of convenience. He knows he can. A guy who gets called out that feels “shook” will start showing up and will want to know how to fix things between you. None of that comes from you doing more. You already showed up for him. It comes from telling him your standard for a man that wants to be with you. Then do nothing. Let him act on it…or realize it’s not in the cards if he throws a fit and walks away. If you are the problem person be very aware and consciously have inner conversations with yourself about how you are effecting your partner and what you can do to change. “My partner wants more time with me. I feel spooked. Is it because i’m not in love? If i am, how do i give my partner that same experience? How do i make sure they know they are loved? The easiest answer is to be honest and willing to talk about it until you agree and are both happy. If not capable of that, therapy is a good idea.

Perfect definition of my ex

Not all resonates. But God I wish I saw this video a few months ago 😢

When a guy says it. Bc of his divorce

That would be great if there was a sign lol 😂

What if I am that person in the relationship? And what if I don't want to lose him....But on the other hand, I am bothering him :)

@a.4536

7 ай бұрын

Therapy would be a great idea!

I was wondering if its a red flag if your boyfriend doesn't want to Change our status on facebook and start posting pics together His excuse was he doesn't get on there very much yet he still has facebook so i feel like he is hiding something now and Don't really feel like I can trust him It just feels like i'm hiding a part of myself because we are not on there together We do so many things together that I would love to post then i hold back and can't post anything it makes me feel really weird I am excited to share him and it Feels like he's not excited to share me I feel like it's a red flag and I told him I want someone that's excited to be with me someone that wants to post me on their Facebook I don't want to come across in a manipulative way yet I also don't want to hold myself back anymore I feel like he doesn't want to do it because he doesn't want some people to know we are together please help ❤🙏

@Lg8T3

7 ай бұрын

If you’re not getting what you want out of the relationship, you’re not being fair to yourself. Not wanting to change his relationship status on FB is minor thing that can easily be changed. The excuse is weak and sounds like he’s hiding the relationship, why? I’d say that’s a big deal. Big red flag.

@Flufero23

7 ай бұрын

I had a similar situation. Never met family or friends. Never invited to activities with friends. I felt like a side chick to a single man. That's how they are. They compartmentalize their life. Never again. As time passes, I realize I'm happy to be free after four years.

@nabilarahim5911

3 ай бұрын

Trust your feeling. Make a list of your standards and dealbreakers for a relationship and communicate them to him. Give him a week to post the fotos, then leave. You will feel great.

The kinda told me he was not ready but I choose not to hear it as I so wanted him and it yo work 😊

Poor communication is an emotionally unviable person.

Seems like they always blame it on them being broken and not really trying to figure out why they are that way.