Signs You are Victim of Narcissistic Abuse, Not Common Abuse (Stress, Depression Management Webinar)

Presentation in Stress and Depression Management Webinar, October 2020
In 1995, I coined the phrase “narcissistic abuse” to describe a subtype of abusive behavior that was all-pervasive (across multiple areas of life) and involved a plethora of behaviors and manipulative or coercive techniques.
Narcissistic abuse differed from all other types of abuse in its range, sophistication, duration, versatility, and express and premeditated intention to negate and vitiate the victim’s personal autonomy, agency, self-efficacy, and wellbeing.
The victims of narcissistic abuse appeared to present a clinical picture substantially different to victims of other, more pinpointed and goal-oriented types of abuse. They were more depressed and anxious, disoriented, aggressive (defiant reactance), dissociative, and trapped or hopeless owing to learned (intermittently reinforced or operant conditioned) helplessness. In short: they were in the throes of trauma bonding (Stockholm syndrome), a kind of cultish shared psychosis (folies a deux).
Repeated abuse has long lasting pernicious and traumatic effects such as panic attacks, hypervigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms. The victims experience shame, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, and an enhanced sense of vulnerability.
C-PTSD (Complex PTSD) has been proposed as a new mental health diagnosis by Dr. Judith Herman of Harvard University to account for the impact of extended periods of trauma and abuse.
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Пікірлер: 1 700

  • @chelceasurgenor598
    @chelceasurgenor598 Жыл бұрын

    It has made me sick physically and mentally being with my narc husband. Hormone imbalance, chronic stress, depression, anxiety, gut issues. Its crazy how this hurts you! And the bad thing is, no one sees it. They just think you are crazy!

  • @mariarosado4120

    @mariarosado4120

    Жыл бұрын

    Run, run, run

  • @_Anna_Nass_

    @_Anna_Nass_

    Жыл бұрын

    I lost 20 lbs over the course of a few years from stress from narcissistic abuse. Hormone issues, stomach issues, acne, etc. A few months after no contact, I’d gained the weight back, my acne was gone, my periods were regular, and I was off all my prescriptions for my “stomach problems”. They truly do make you physically sick. Edit: I should add I got down to about 95 lbs, I did NOT have weight to lose. So while 20 lbs in a few months may sound like a lot to gain, my body desperately needed it.

  • @chelceasurgenor598

    @chelceasurgenor598

    Жыл бұрын

    @@_Anna_Nass_ I'm so happy you're ok now Anna. 🥰

  • @lalani888blue

    @lalani888blue

    Жыл бұрын

    💚💌 ~ It's a hard road. I'm certain it affects the vagus nerve as well. I'm looking into this... Year's ago a friend of mine took the time to ask me wth was going on. He said "You are not the same woman I met 3 year's ago - You don't even look like yourself" - He literally took my then partner aside and questioned him too. I went to a kinesiologist who recognized all the symptoms. Back then I didn't even realize that there were a handful of narc's in my midst. They all work together. It took me year's to recover from this dark energetic attack - emotionally, mentally and spiritually... physically as well. This kind of vile, destructive energy...It's attack on you is not something to ignore or take lightly. The 'many' people in our dysfunctional matrix are walking around assuming that they are just fine. NO. They are not. They are using life long coping mechanisms. Defences that will soon provide zero amount of success or healing nor comfort. I have a great deal of compassion for people who have experienced this ...I'm wishing you well and sending you a load of 'respect' and 💚💌

  • @gorunsko31

    @gorunsko31

    Жыл бұрын

    Nobody hears what my narcissist husband is saying to me. The way he presents himself to the world or even the way he behaves in front of his siblings, is different: people pleasing, accommodating etc. Only when he gets home, he needs a "punching bag" to unload the feeling of victimization or shame.., or just to feel powerful. Even my sister cannot imagine, he can yell. Yes, he can. And he can stomp his feet in the same time, for example, when he finds 2-3 rotten strawberries in the compost (not rotten enough!).

  • @zenwolf1046
    @zenwolf10463 жыл бұрын

    For the victim of narcissistic abuse, it really is a war over control of your very soul.

  • @pingu3984

    @pingu3984

    3 жыл бұрын

    Yes it is. That's exactly what it feels like. It feels like being in a silent war for control over your own soul. Very well put. Thank you.

  • @reneewilliams1747

    @reneewilliams1747

    2 жыл бұрын

    I remember being so broken down after arguing for days on end with my narcissistic husband and I screamed you have everything you have taken everything do you want my soul? I always said I gave him everything but my soul. Cant believe I read this comment here tonight.

  • @arl3761

    @arl3761

    2 жыл бұрын

    I lay my head everynight deluded but hoping I will wake up and feel ok . Just ok enough to clean my house , to do something, anything productive. This narcissistic spawn used my child . He groomed my baby gaslighted me blackmailed her ,threats . Multiple fake accounts absolute evidence of times,dates,devices,still total denial . The most draining thing he does is to say :' I haven't done anything' So then I explain what he's done ,for him to laugh ,deny,elude or make up stories. When those r proven false he says I'm crazy ,' off my head' Yes my intrusive memories..r relentless. I am mentally emotionally and physically broken . I pray my daughter will b oo . Stockholm syndrome terrifies me.

  • @quabot

    @quabot

    2 жыл бұрын

    I stayed single until the age of 49 because I told myself, "I gamble only with my life. In marriage, you gamble with your soul." I thought I had gained enough wisdom to make a wise choice. Ha! Famous last words.

  • @Kingdom_of_God777

    @Kingdom_of_God777

    2 жыл бұрын

    Which is why we like to bring war to the narcissist just the same

  • @elegantnails1671
    @elegantnails16713 жыл бұрын

    You Feel Paralyzed Noone Understand It Unless You Experienced It...

  • @speckie134

    @speckie134

    3 жыл бұрын

    Elegant Nails He seems to know even the sleep disorders which I have always had, plus so many other things it is the first time someone got it all right.

  • @adrianataffuri8507

    @adrianataffuri8507

    3 жыл бұрын

    Exactly!!

  • @whatisfaraz692

    @whatisfaraz692

    3 жыл бұрын

    Walk and run ...hey people.he is saying the truth ...i was abused

  • @Arree1969

    @Arree1969

    3 жыл бұрын

    Learned helplessness just hit me like a brick!

  • @midrilla1897

    @midrilla1897

    3 жыл бұрын

    It's exactly so...

  • @Prashant131090
    @Prashant1310902 жыл бұрын

    I now find it amazing, the more a victim tries to explain his/her internal suffering through words, people tend to side the abuser. Feels like you can literally pull your brain out of the skull and show it to people but...but...f***... no one seems to trust you. It's hard to explain your injuries in words...man... Thank you professor.

  • @kayokk-

    @kayokk-

    Жыл бұрын

    … and words cannot express it all easily either and most do not have the time to even listen or care.

  • @annierosser47

    @annierosser47

    Жыл бұрын

    Yes really hard to put into words!! I had no idea what narcissistic abuse was until I discovered it last year. All I knew was there was this extremely sick mind game going on which I didn't know how to control. It went on behind my back aswell as to my face. All I could think at the time was that my dad must be mentally ill. Or evil. I had no idea what to do. No one believed me. He was extremely convincing at painting me as the "abuser". It was the worst thing I've ever experienced!!!

  • @rardrioc6406

    @rardrioc6406

    Жыл бұрын

    don't complain , don't explain ,, simple also difficult

  • @rardrioc6406

    @rardrioc6406

    Жыл бұрын

    @@MsK-xm7vw look , there are expert people that can help in this field , it may seem hopeless at least now you know what you are / were dealing with . The old cliche , you have 'to help yourself', you have a diagnosis which as you alluded to , all the other experts never acknowledge , that is the most difficult , the diagnosis & not to seek validation from people /communities that don't even know themselves what they are , yout only 60 ish , at least a 1/4 of the road left to travel, let it be about discovery, acceptance & loving yourself .good luck you made it this far.

  • @imoutbye

    @imoutbye

    Жыл бұрын

    Probably because like us they’re suckered by the charm or the facade. We saw this awesome person and when the red flags were there we ignored it cause it was confusing. They’re getting that sane experience. And it’s fucked cause that bullshit is then brought in to their lives in a way.

  • @misssaltynuts2512
    @misssaltynuts251210 ай бұрын

    I told my brother our parents are narcissists. The same day I get a call from mental health for an evaluation, my dad had called them. I have cut ties with them and for the first time I know what peace feels like.

  • @gjinkalla23

    @gjinkalla23

    6 ай бұрын

    Amazing! Don't be they scapegoat. Let them receive the karma of choosing the devil

  • @ginagina9592

    @ginagina9592

    4 ай бұрын

    Nice work! I had to do the same with my dad and my siblings.

  • @marijaarsovska56

    @marijaarsovska56

    3 ай бұрын

    Trust your gut. Don't let them gaslight you. Yes, it's hard to let go of the illusion, but it's healthier for both sides. . Embrace your pain, don't try to give it to someone else or suppressed it.. You need ro go trough it ❤

  • @user-ek6jn6tg6h

    @user-ek6jn6tg6h

    18 күн бұрын

    cut my mom out last year after she sent police to my house on my wifes bday saying we abuse our children that are in private school. CPS never even showed up. lol

  • @toniannc.411
    @toniannc.4113 жыл бұрын

    Yes, a narcissist has darkness in their heart, no light - don't ever let anyone dim your light....

  • @teresascalzo2490

    @teresascalzo2490

    3 жыл бұрын

    Evil bullies cowards sad creatures 😈☹☹

  • @toniannc.411

    @toniannc.411

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@MonaLisa-rm3iv no shit.....

  • @shaunhunterit342

    @shaunhunterit342

    2 жыл бұрын

    There is no light in a human being, only in the Lord Jesus Christ

  • @brrjohnson8131

    @brrjohnson8131

    Жыл бұрын

    @@Desmondbrown73 that's a good reminder for Christians. I've never found a narcissist who wasn't atheist. Otherwise they'dbe accountable for their actions. Regardless, there isn't anyone (currently) on earth who isn't capable of receiving God's forgiveness, if they choose. We are all flawed sinners, it's not our job to pass judgment on each other. God makes that decision, soon enough.

  • @Jeff-ng5ig

    @Jeff-ng5ig

    Жыл бұрын

    So true... I thought I was alone in this.

  • @wfcoaker1398
    @wfcoaker1398 Жыл бұрын

    My therapist taught me many valuable lessons. One was that it doesn't matter to the victim what the abuser's diagnosis is. What matters is that they are manipulative, cruel, and get satisfaction from your suffering. It took him 2 1/2 months to make me accept it, but the day I did was the day I started to heal. But you have to get through the horror of realizing that every tear you cried, every drop of sweat that you drenched the bed with, every bit of enamel you ground off your teeth was deliberately inflicted on you, everything you suffered, EVERY SINGLE THING, was deliberate. Get through that and you're away to the races.

  • @bebop54

    @bebop54

    Жыл бұрын

    🎯💣💯

  • @twogirlsandapsychopath4879

    @twogirlsandapsychopath4879

    Жыл бұрын

    That was absolutely gut wrenching for me to accept. To this day I even remember where I was standing in the living room of my home when the sinking realization hit me full force. It's horrifying and other people don't understand, until it happens to them.

  • @wfcoaker1398

    @wfcoaker1398

    Жыл бұрын

    @@twogirlsandapsychopath4879 I walked around the house. When it would be wash over me, it was like I was hit with a plank. I'd double over with the intensity of it. I yelled, I kicked the walls, and I keened like a banshee. But that was then, this is now.

  • @NewBeginnings413

    @NewBeginnings413

    Жыл бұрын

    @@twogirlsandapsychopath4879 Work on yourself every day, no matter what. The day you can finger at the pain and abuse is genuinely mind-blowing. Then comes the hard part of changing your own behavior and thoughts, cut the trauma bonding.... Becoming “normal” again.

  • @jevans5956

    @jevans5956

    Жыл бұрын

    What I am experiencing now. Kicked him out. But had a HUGE epiphany today & was like I got punched in the gut! In his good state he’d tell me how he couldn’t live without me. Then, when he began discarding me (thinking he met someone) he began saying things like he couldn’t stand to be in the car with me (weird thing was we hadn’t spent any time together bc I’d left him alone thinking this was his bipolar & just give him space not knowing it was his marijuana addiction he had restarted which causes aggression esp when he doesn’t get his way). He then tried to liken me to a mother with munchausen bc I am careful about my son having food allergies. He also began yelling telling me I’m crazy & everyone knows it…I’m the exact opposite actually…very rational & logical although what he is doing IS absolutely crazy making! Thank goodness he is out of my home & my children are not exposed to the chaos & drama! So, I think it’s a good thing on these epiphanies bc I caught myself feeling sorry for him earlier today & feeling like maybe I should’ve done more for this man. Somehow I had forgotten the cruel things he said just a week ago…gotta work more on me! I did enough!!

  • @thariaxandre8484
    @thariaxandre84843 жыл бұрын

    "Everything becomes weaponized" this is why it's so destructive and it can obliterate the victim.

  • @Ilikeyoualot

    @Ilikeyoualot

    Жыл бұрын

    Everything!!!!!

  • @kayokk-

    @kayokk-

    Жыл бұрын

    Amazing! You put that’s all well

  • @cindyski4413

    @cindyski4413

    Жыл бұрын

    So true. Like a dummy, I told him everything about me and my past. Yep, came back to bite me in my behind.

  • @user-kp8sx1nh1c

    @user-kp8sx1nh1c

    10 ай бұрын

    Yes. It's especially true if the victim has a physical disability, e.g. blindness/low vision that keeps them from physically getting away from their tormentors. Disabillity is a major triggor and serves well to make the person the family scapegoat.

  • @MrJoseyess

    @MrJoseyess

    6 ай бұрын

    If I call and say something like “oh I went to the store and bought chicken legs” it would be twisted to something like “why do you go to the store so much?” Or “ where the chicken legs on sale?” Everything is taken and twisted and can be used as fuel to devalue you

  • @nancyalywahby2784
    @nancyalywahby27843 жыл бұрын

    The abuser will dig into the victims past for a very bad experience from years ago and use it as a weapon in the present.

  • @stevethomas5209

    @stevethomas5209

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@masterreflections aaah ha ! Deep dark skeletons in the past? No wonder! Lol

  • @santossmith1560

    @santossmith1560

    3 жыл бұрын

    the aha, and lol, maybe said something, for part of the predators method of attack is the enjoyment of using a “skeleton” as a justifiable means?

  • @stevethomas5209

    @stevethomas5209

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@santossmith1560 It did say something. It said aha and lol. Where did you figure an attack of anything? Easy wana be psychiatrist.

  • @whitelightsheddinweedsmokin

    @whitelightsheddinweedsmokin

    3 жыл бұрын

    I know what you mean it's part of the shell game of "we're trying to help you". It stems from jealousy (as far as I can tell- I'm still quite lost).

  • @dianevanderlinden3480

    @dianevanderlinden3480

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@masterreflections Exactly. I told my ex way too much. I decided to write songs and journal. Either people will use your horror stories against you, not care, or try to outdo you with their own stories. It's rare that you'll find someone who just listens.

  • @danielc5205
    @danielc52053 жыл бұрын

    Sadly, the majority of the population will never understand this.

  • @revivesubliminals2220

    @revivesubliminals2220

    3 жыл бұрын

    I'm not sure about that. This has only become more and more common.

  • @revivesubliminals2220

    @revivesubliminals2220

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@jokc954 That's true.

  • @dinorahdarby4499

    @dinorahdarby4499

    3 жыл бұрын

    I would put my voice to a cause. Awareness and a focus on changing law to include types of emotional abuse as part of domestic abuse. And ...and move domestic violence back into criminal court where it first began.

  • @lisacurtis8162

    @lisacurtis8162

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@OffTheWagons it's the cycle of abuse. All unhealthy relationships follow it to some degree. I can actually feel the tension building. And he gets short with me for about a week before he blows up, then I'm on the chopping block.

  • @mags3229

    @mags3229

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@jokc954 100% agree, getting out is only the beginning, sometimes I think that was the easy part,the aftermath is horrendous, the doubt, the pain, the guilt etc, trying to get a grip on yourself,your pain, your emotions, self worth, your path in life,the feeling of being alone in this, is devastating... Good days, great days, bad days.. Have to take them all and try to make sense of everything, not easy when people around you dont "understand" still you have to keep movin on up, whatever life(or your head) throws at you 👍

  • @user-lm2vs1sl3v
    @user-lm2vs1sl3v11 ай бұрын

    It’s made me chronically ill and I had a nervous breakdown. She just carries on like there’s nothing wrong with her behaviour.

  • @tidycoat

    @tidycoat

    4 ай бұрын

    I’ve been in this abuse for 50 years and I haven’t had a nervous breakdown yet…I say yet because I am in the process of leaving him quietly and getting legal advice. I also can’t get over how he walks around like nothing is wrong and doesn’t try in any way, shape or form to fix the problem we’re having….he’s right and I’m wrong and that’s it!!

  • @jcc6789

    @jcc6789

    3 ай бұрын

    Exactly- they'll stand by and watch you die -

  • @keepingitrealalways2118

    @keepingitrealalways2118

    3 ай бұрын

    @@jcc6789this is sadly very true. I was so sick at one time and watching my small one year old grandchild that had croup, cough was so bad I had to take her to the bathroom and turn the shower on so hopefully the steamy room would help this wee ones cough calm down. I could not walk and was feeling sick and dizzy. I had to crawl while holding my one year old granddaughter and my ex just sat there and watched me and our granddaughter suffer. This s**** is very real. I also say be careful who you tell these things too. I confided in a very close friend and many years later she came to me and said “ she thought I was lying all that time “ and she had recently found out from a source it was all true, what happened t me. She came to me to apologize. I was so hurt….but realized most will never believe we lived this way. I got out finally after 35 years , but the effects of all the years of abuse played their toll. I have mild depression, severe anxiety. IBS, severe migraines and zero trust ( except for a small handful,of people) The rages were always so scary. They don’t change. They won’t change. I think even they can get worse as time goes on. Get out if you can.

  • @yhwhzmyking.4243

    @yhwhzmyking.4243

    2 ай бұрын

    I almost did. These evil people are NOT worth it.@@jcc6789

  • @xgsnapx

    @xgsnapx

    2 ай бұрын

    Went through exactly the same 😢

  • @sirenatas
    @sirenatas3 жыл бұрын

    I'm listening to this crying. I mean every single word. Lose of self worth and sanity, forgetfulness, feeling there is no escape, suicidal thoughts. This is awful. How one sick person can completely destroy you as a being.

  • @claudeenclarke1583

    @claudeenclarke1583

    Жыл бұрын

    😭😭😭😭😭

  • @colleenmcgavin8856

    @colleenmcgavin8856

    Жыл бұрын

    I’m right there with you. I was catatonic truly. It all caught up with me and I was left alone in a foreign country not speaking the language. I blamed myself. It wasn’t until I started studying narcissistic abuse and I finally came upon your video that things really fell into place. Hearing my symptoms described triggered such pain but helped me to. I want to send this to some friends and my daughter and say this man has it and is describing me!

  • @post-separationabuse2020

    @post-separationabuse2020

    Жыл бұрын

    @@colleenmcgavin8856 It's been two years since he abruptly terminated our 11 year relationship. I was also left in a foreign country not fully able to speak Spanish. It was just 2 weeks after he had returned to the UK that the pieces fell into place. Discovering the truth that the whole relationship was a lie from the start. The grief trauma and anxiety was huge. I also blamed myself for my situation, felt guilty and sometimes angry. What made things worse was the legal advice I received that led to conflict in my own mind. Eight months post separation I started to write my story. Fourteen months later I self published my first book. I explain the hidden abuse in intimate relationships and also how the legal system ignores post separation abuse. Victims are failed by the system.

  • @annaann2910

    @annaann2910

    Жыл бұрын

    ... 💜 ...

  • @countingthecosttofollowChrist

    @countingthecosttofollowChrist

    Жыл бұрын

    Hyperbaric oxygen chamber really helps

  • @akikiya6409
    @akikiya64092 жыл бұрын

    It made me smarter, more independent, more ambitious, harder working and higher achieving because I thought I needed to fix myself due to this mess.

  • @maustin950

    @maustin950

    Жыл бұрын

    Amazing, you are powerful. Proud of you. ❤️

  • @JWHarris........

    @JWHarris........

    Жыл бұрын

    Exactly how I feel. It feels like the abuse only makes me stronger long term, assuming you can take it! And the abuser weaker.

  • @TheMazinoz

    @TheMazinoz

    3 ай бұрын

    ​@@JWHarris........But get the hell out!

  • @JWHarris........

    @JWHarris........

    3 ай бұрын

    @@TheMazinoz I have

  • @AnaAnes

    @AnaAnes

    2 ай бұрын

    Me too

  • @alexandrusava642
    @alexandrusava6423 жыл бұрын

    Sad how people in the victim's life are manipulated and become complicit in the abuse. It is absolutely crushing.

  • @suzannehartmann946

    @suzannehartmann946

    3 жыл бұрын

    My two sisters still maintain the abuse. I am in my sixties and both parents are dead. Why?

  • @theshadowknows2708

    @theshadowknows2708

    3 жыл бұрын

    very real!!

  • @Jezebel066

    @Jezebel066

    3 жыл бұрын

    He’s divorcing me & I’m fighting to save the marriage. The love bombing is so unreal that I just hurt that I’m loosing that. Cant wrap my head around it that it’s not real.

  • @aelynspaeth8237

    @aelynspaeth8237

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@Jezebel066 I feel much the same. I find myself missing my abuser because the love bombing was like a drug. I understand better now why abuse victims/survivors sometimes go back to their abusers. In my case, that will never happen because I have a Restraining Order against them - and they are convinced that *I'm* the narcissistic abuser (a massive red flag I missed/ignored was that they accuse most of their lovers seen as male of being narcissistic abusers - ah projection!)

  • @Jezebel066

    @Jezebel066

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@aelynspaeth8237 ya I thought the last stage of love bombing was him wanting to save our marriage. It wasn’t about sex. Bc he was so sweet again. Then he tells me I’m crazy & he’s just a man & doesn’t want to be w me bc I’ll never change. And by never change he means how he has to walk on eggshells, can’t even talk about his day bc I get mad about something, & how I cuss him all the time. The things he does to me. All the time. It’s so crazy that he seems to believe I’m the abuser.

  • @aslioz7326
    @aslioz73263 жыл бұрын

    I was a joyful, happy and positive person before he poisoned my soul...I am now somehow like him. I hurt people unintentially...Discard them. I sometimes can not recognise myself. I barely feel attachment with someone. I’m always looking for a kind of hidden agenda when they are nice to me. They are soulkillers...

  • @leegken3527

    @leegken3527

    3 жыл бұрын

    I had been feeling the exact same way after being in the relationship for so long. They force you into defending yourself with the same tactics they use against you which is another form of reducing your self worth as you become the exact person you hate. For me, I had to stop holding onto the resentment towards my abuser because it didn’t change their behavior and only made my life angrier. As long as you want to be that person you once were, you can always be. The healing just takes time so just go day by day and be especially aware of your negative behaviors. You will be an even more wonderful person to others converting your experience into empathy! I wish you so much luck and healing. ❤️

  • @mrdunnepoetryreallifetvuk1934

    @mrdunnepoetryreallifetvuk1934

    3 жыл бұрын

    "Narcissistic Love" They tend to be hyper sexual, always looking someone new to seduce/ So they will abuse you, run to another, and try hide the awful truth Even with Internet and phone evidence, they'll just get angry and lie/ And if confronted it'll all be your fault, for the problems in their mind They'll cry and declare their love, when there is no love, only contempt/ Then look into your eyes and tell you lies, on how their night was spent They'll give non-friends their respect, and show you the ultimate disdain Humiliation, betrayal and stress, is just part of this traumatic game You become another cog on the wheel, then they move on very quickly/ After they have stripped you of all pride, your honour and self dignity They will leave you feeling worthless, and place the blame at your door/ Then deceive you and make you believe, you didn't see, what you saw/ Underneath the seduction and charm, lie skilled masters of deception/ Who possess counterfeit hearts, and crave only promiscuous attention The roller coaster cruelty suffered, is genetically passed on to their kids/ Living life like bottomless pits of emptiness, such a nasty, twisted illness. Copyright 2014 The Elusive Mr Dunne (All rights reserved)

  • @annikaskywalker6545

    @annikaskywalker6545

    3 жыл бұрын

    😢yep!!! I found myself telling men THIS is what y'all want! I have to be a complete detached biotch because narcissists hate the remaining goodness they perceive they don't have ...I almost wanted to cheat, lie, and manipulate them like they did me.

  • @aslioz7326

    @aslioz7326

    3 жыл бұрын

    And by the way Sam, my greetings from Istanbul. I think your roots are also from here. I learned a lot from you. You became a real guide during my terrible days while I was trying to understand what was wrong with him. Thank you. 🌹

  • @Jleesuccesscoaching

    @Jleesuccesscoaching

    3 жыл бұрын

    There is a word for this experience... it's called "having fleas." (lay with dogs get up with fleas). The good news is that your behaviors are just learned behaviors and with a good narc informed therapist who knows CBT and/or DBT can help you lose those fleas! It takes time and a lot of self-compassion. And that joyful happy person you miss so much, she is still there, she is just shrouded by the cloak of depression. The narc... well he is always going to be miserable, he will always be teetering on the edge of total collapse. He will always be chasing supply. You just developed coping skills that you needed to survive your narc... and you can learn new truths. I know that when you've been a target for so long, everything looks like a missile. In fact that is the title of the following poem: When You've Been a Target for so Long, Everything Looks like a Missile You come into the kitchen To look at what's cooking I steel myself My heart rate and Anxiety rise Waiting for The questions The criticism The "What're you doing it like that for?' The incredulity at my inept choice I tense up and wait... "Smells great," You say as you kiss my cheek "Thank you for making dinner" Relief floods as I remember I am not there You are not him I am safe

  • @BookWorm2369
    @BookWorm23693 жыл бұрын

    As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, my perception is so warped that I do not even know what a nice guy behaves like. I feel lonely, then desperate. I am afraid of anyone that shows me affection or initiates contact/connection. I only feel secure if I am the one in “control” by initiating the contact. I know my brain wants me to have some dramatic relationship to feel “right,” but I don’t want that anymore.

  • @shar1338

    @shar1338

    3 жыл бұрын

    I hear so clearly .. 14 years single for me . Everyone is a narcissist to me now . The fear is curse

  • @BookWorm2369

    @BookWorm2369

    3 жыл бұрын

    shari lalani I’m sorry. 😔

  • @kkbabybratz3874

    @kkbabybratz3874

    3 жыл бұрын

    Your not alone

  • @BookWorm2369

    @BookWorm2369

    3 жыл бұрын

    Nikkie Gargi No. Keep your armchair diagnoses to yourself.

  • @Lescandalefinir

    @Lescandalefinir

    3 жыл бұрын

    I won't even initiate

  • @charissaray3476
    @charissaray3476Ай бұрын

    It’s a lonely and maddening way to live life especially before you learn what you’re dealing with.

  • @charissaray3476
    @charissaray3476Ай бұрын

    I agree it’s so crazy that makes hard to talk about when all we need is to talk about it.

  • @annierosser47
    @annierosser47 Жыл бұрын

    My father is a narcissist and i ended up dating one too. It has been one of the worst experiences of my life. I was brutally discarded by both of them. I saw them turn all sorts of people against me. Most of which I had never even spoken to before. The level of anxiety and depression it has caused me is unbelievable. They are beyond evil. Completely aware of what they are doing but will stop at nothing to destroy me. The worst part of it is being disbelieved by their "flying monkeys". They literally eliminated my support network so I had no one to turn to. I feel so much for anyone who suffers at the hands of a narcissist. They are demons of Satan and extremely good at what they do. The worst part is that both of them have got away with it so far. I'm the only one who has suffered. And yet they both had the audacity to make out I was some sort of abuser. These people are so twisted it's unreal!!!!

  • @takyrica

    @takyrica

    Жыл бұрын

    My partners narc parents are doing something similar to me where they are turning people against me and my partner (who is their son). They blame me for my partner’s mental health issues and call me abusive- WHEN IT IS THEM! They’ve been physically and mentally abusive up till he went no contact. It sucks! But they’re not “getting away with it”, they are doing satan’s work and will pay with their salvation.

  • @jaina4801

    @jaina4801

    Жыл бұрын

    felt this... my mom is a narc. just cut ties today

  • @takyrica

    @takyrica

    Жыл бұрын

    @@jaina4801 hang in there! Gonna be a ride but you can do this.

  • @nabilaoukhiat7247

    @nabilaoukhiat7247

    Жыл бұрын

    Stay strong 💪 sending you love ❤️ my dad was covert narcissist and had relationships with narcissists people but now I am so strong self loving and free heal your self 💚

  • @cindyski4413

    @cindyski4413

    Жыл бұрын

    Demons because it’s the amount of self hate they have towards themselves. I also personally feel like if we were whole and strong enough people,!we wouldn’t have allowed this and survive. We need to make sure that we overcome and know our inner strengths to make it in this world. We were meant to have rules that others must follow IF they want to be in our lives and if they don’t want to follow them, we move on without them. Yes, we need to be loving but, with self respect.

  • @daleg4299
    @daleg4299 Жыл бұрын

    "The victim is her own stalker, there is no escape. And she continues to abuse herself long after by playing and replaying the 'recordings' of her abuser." Never truer words have been said. Thank you for this, and all the other, affirmations

  • @forevernever9977

    @forevernever9977

    7 ай бұрын

    My narc just died. And I wasn’t ready for this- I feel such self acceptance and peace of mind, I’m not doing the damage to myself luckily. I wish everyone this peace, and please get these people out of your life! They aren’t people.

  • @jane_7193
    @jane_71932 жыл бұрын

    "The victim is the stalker", the victim internalizes the narcissistic abuser. This was a brilliant revelation!

  • @katyarn3751

    @katyarn3751

    Жыл бұрын

    This revelation helped me out so much

  • @karyssamus

    @karyssamus

    Жыл бұрын

    Agreed. That blew my mind.

  • @tourzrap

    @tourzrap

    Жыл бұрын

    BIG. I was the stalker..mentally I still am, in my mind, I stalk her in my mind, I wake up, 3 4 5am and THINK of her, and if I don’t, I stalk her in my dreams, JUST to get A MINUTE to speak with her. Nothing more.

  • @rm2kmidi

    @rm2kmidi

    Жыл бұрын

    Yeah, my narc doesn't really stalk me, but it's always in my mind that he could show up.

  • @tourzrap

    @tourzrap

    Жыл бұрын

    Not the same, you’ve missed the point ^

  • @anonymousunknown8709
    @anonymousunknown87092 жыл бұрын

    Narcissists and psychopaths “are dream wreckers.” (20:06) Holy. Shit. 💯 This video explains everything I am experiencing right now.

  • @mikekjan4898
    @mikekjan4898 Жыл бұрын

    As a victim of narcissistic abuse from my parents, I can attest that everything he is saying is absolutely true. Narcissistic parents crush your soul and self-worth through control, bullying, and verbal insults. Before the meds, I was living most of life in fight-or-flight mode, hypervigilant and anxious, always people pleasing out of unwarranted feelings of guilt and shame. When I go out on dates, I am always so concerned about what I say or do for fear I'll be judged harshly. It's also very hard to trust people and show affection toward others. Also, I always second-guess myself, and I sometimes get paranoid in public places and social settings. The scars never go away -- it's debilitating. The things that have helped me are creative endeavors/activities, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, and attempts at reframing the event. I

  • @kdpunshon3073

    @kdpunshon3073

    9 ай бұрын

    Same here. Thank you for sharing your pain.

  • @astridparker8544

    @astridparker8544

    3 ай бұрын

    Same x

  • @smithashenoy2742
    @smithashenoy27426 ай бұрын

    I was a very active girl. I turned to be a machine. Numb . Absent minded. I was switching off phone on our wedding anniversary to avoid listening to wishes by people. Finally one day I went to lawyer because I was feeling like hanging myself . I got divorce. However the narc did not give me any money. Still Iam happy Iam alive and still hoping to make a life

  • @christopherpeters6365
    @christopherpeters63653 жыл бұрын

    I was such a mess at the end of sixteen years of this. I was even told, I was the Narcissistic person. However, I was the one open to personal help for both of us. I was the one who would try to be open with my own problems, I didn't have to be asked to apologize. Even now, I fear the idea of sharing my heart again with anyone; fearing that I'd be with someone so cold and non-empathetic like her. I began drinking just to put up with her! Ten months sober now though!

  • @958342

    @958342

    2 жыл бұрын

    Congratulations on your sobriety. I am so sorry for what you went through. It is my sincere hope that your heart will mend and you will trust again. I realise its been a year since you have posted. How are you doing now ?

  • @carolechapple7092

    @carolechapple7092

    2 жыл бұрын

    I’m saddened by your story of abuse. My husband always called me fat, stupid and ugly, and demanded any money I made…..”because he was the only one who mattered in this family” He had multiple affairs. Often they are poor with saving money! I divorced him when our youngest was 12 y.o. As an R.N., I worked in Psychiatric Hospitals and Institutions. During the marriage I entered counseling. He always wanted to see my Psychiatrist/Psychologist, to tell them his “problems” with me.

  • @janetladybug5076

    @janetladybug5076

    2 жыл бұрын

    Victims are 15 times more likely to abuse substances. Congrats on overcoming!

  • @julielehman1921

    @julielehman1921

    2 жыл бұрын

    I quit drinking the last four years with my abuser just so I wouldn't severly hurt him. He knew what to say to get me really upset. It helped alot to block his ass out. I left 3 years ago. He is up my whole families ass! Sickening. Yes, I'm going to block his texts and phone. He thinks I'm going to come back. I finally am figuring out HE IS A1 ASSHOLE! AND WILL NEVER CHANGE. See, just thinking of him makes me mad at myself for believing his bullshit.

  • @jeffheermans1467

    @jeffheermans1467

    2 жыл бұрын

    The Narcissistic abuser, over time, convinces us that some of our greatest characteristics, such as empathy, compassion, introspection, kindness, and loving, make us weak and therefore not desirable. The reality is that the abuser is quite envious. They literally cannot be empathetic, compassionate, introspective, kind, and loving, except on a shallow, cognitive level. I remember witnessing bouts of narcissistic rage, and then long sobbing cries. It took me years to realize that there were seldom any tears. And the only way I seem to be able to process all the abuse without resorting to unhealthy displays of anger, is through forgiveness. For me it is a daily struggle to trudge that path. That being said, Christopher, remember, those experiences, struggles, and solutions are the greatest gift you may impart to another alcoholic. Maybe, in today's dysfunctional, predatorial standards of intimate relationships, nice men and women do finish last. As long as we finish well, spirits intact...I believe we can live with that. Great...I just re- read all that...now I have to practice it 🙄

  • @hellothere4427
    @hellothere4427 Жыл бұрын

    My sister committed suicide, after a whole life of living with our father - recently professionally diagnosed as NPD - and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. My father is cruel and his behavior is “insane,” as my sister put it so eloquently, before she took her life. My father has an alcohol use disorder as well. He is also a lifelong smoker. I always knew there was something wrong with him, as he has always been verbally and physically abusive to us. He told us it was for our own good to make us tough. He seems to take pleasure in other’s pain. It’s been a horrendous life with him.

  • @mercurialgirl

    @mercurialgirl

    Жыл бұрын

    I had the exact same type of father. It took me until after he died to realize that you could be a narcissist AS WELL AS an alcoholic. In that time, I had already been ensnared and wrecked by two narc men. Things hide in plain sight sometimes.

  • @aena5995

    @aena5995

    Жыл бұрын

    My mother is like this Idk what other way to get away from her I have been contemplating it

  • @ponytail911

    @ponytail911

    Жыл бұрын

    @@aena5995 please find help. I’m praying for you.

  • @laurieclark2456

    @laurieclark2456

    Жыл бұрын

    My son also. Age 24. Suicide. After break up girl friend whom he found out cheating The boy bent backwards For her and wanted to give her a ring. His father wasn’t a very nice person. To him. They weren’t even talking. Now the rest of family and friends. All paying the price of lost and shock. As he was so talented sweet hansom. The girl friend was a narc. Sorry I didn’t do everything in my power to tell him - let her go she’s no good

  • @lynzannabel6990

    @lynzannabel6990

    Жыл бұрын

    @@laurieclark2456 So sorry to hear about your son.💜

  • @carlotamolina2849
    @carlotamolina28493 жыл бұрын

    After the experience of severly being abused on a daily basis, 3 years ago, I still struggle to do even the easiest thing in daily routines. I see my coworkers and sometimes even family, looking at me pitiful. It's a real miserable life. I dont give up. I try every day to get better, even in small things. This video got me to the core.

  • @shreyastasamal3549

    @shreyastasamal3549

    3 жыл бұрын

    Believe that you are getting better everyday. Also try RTT therapy. It really helps. I got out of the abusive relationship. I'm recovering well now.

  • @agirlandherchihuahua

    @agirlandherchihuahua

    3 жыл бұрын

    I understand. I struggle the same way, and I somehow can’t even explain it. I feel I can share this video with people now to help explain what I am going through. It helps me recognise it myself, and to stop just being ashamed of myself for still struggling so much.

  • @soniagomes9734

    @soniagomes9734

    3 жыл бұрын

    Keep strong sister, head high .you are a survivor !! What people think about you is theirs problem not yours. God loves you ,He sees what you went through His light and Love is habited you. No one can take that away from us not even this miserabls souls. God bless you.

  • @katadam2186

    @katadam2186

    2 жыл бұрын

    Screw the asshole that put you down and I know they will be in your mind for awhile, just remember it was them and realize they are totally messed up and you are a million times better with out them

  • @thabisilendlovu472

    @thabisilendlovu472

    2 жыл бұрын

    @ carlota. I noticed you wrote this comment a year ago. How are you doing?

  • @lymikakundu3182
    @lymikakundu31823 жыл бұрын

    Well put Dr. Vaknin - Narcissistic abuse is like being bitten by a venomous serpent.

  • @deeanaholyoak3127

    @deeanaholyoak3127

    3 жыл бұрын

    Ironically I took back my ex narcissist actually after he was bitten by a venomous snake and lived. You think that would change a person...

  • @lizquinn3568

    @lizquinn3568

    3 жыл бұрын

    All their horrible game playing leaves you in a place you doubt everything you say or do, they are masters of manipulation and illusion,evil personified 🤨

  • @warilaetamaraye8712

    @warilaetamaraye8712

    2 жыл бұрын

    It is. It is the bite of Satan. An evil encounter initially disguised as a friend cor lover. Worse still as a wife / husband!

  • @CK_2372

    @CK_2372

    2 жыл бұрын

    I'll take serpent bite any day

  • @Dajahgraves

    @Dajahgraves

    Жыл бұрын

    Truly

  • @amibrooksbank7388
    @amibrooksbank73883 жыл бұрын

    Thank you Dr Vaknin for putting our nightmare into words ❤

  • @judywhittlesey4010

    @judywhittlesey4010

    3 жыл бұрын

    I hope someday, family law and criminal court judges, and law enforcement personnel understand the trauma and cruelty of domestic abuse, and stop enabling the abuser. Abusers learn very quickly, that they can manipulate the people of the system as easily as they did the abused. The abused are expected to "allow the system to work, make no waves, and move on with your life."

  • @gabrielleaviva

    @gabrielleaviva

    3 жыл бұрын

    This without a doubt confirms everything. But I get totally streesed out just hearingg it all.

  • @vanessasouthern1792

    @vanessasouthern1792

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@judywhittlesey4010 how do you take your own mother to court over grooming and conditioning your daughter against you. Over 30,yesrs..systematic. So insidious and targeted. On a mission to destroy you and your mind. Gaslighting by tribe. Wicked. Evil.

  • @hello7thgod

    @hello7thgod

    3 жыл бұрын

    Definitely. 😪

  • @lonniemiles6799

    @lonniemiles6799

    3 жыл бұрын

    Going through it with my daughter now. 5 years now...

  • @dianemary
    @dianemary3 жыл бұрын

    Took me 10 years to recover from my relationship with a narcissist I hurt people in the process of my own healing and wish I could undo it. ☹️

  • @xylongevity

    @xylongevity

    3 жыл бұрын

    🙏🙏

  • @MJ-od5sh

    @MJ-od5sh

    3 жыл бұрын

    Can I ask How did you hurt people ? Am going through this with a male friend that reckons his ex is a narcissist but he has narcissist traits but I don’t think he is a full narcissist maybe BPD . X

  • @dianemary

    @dianemary

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@MJ-od5sh pushing people away by always picking fights, gaslighting, insecurity, mood swings, lost control of emotions, outbursts.

  • @MJ-od5sh

    @MJ-od5sh

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@dianemary thanks for your reply . Yes am going thru this or did with someone. Am unsure if it’s trauma from his abuse or if he’s a BPD. I suspect BPD. Thanks though x

  • @MagickalMermaid

    @MagickalMermaid

    3 жыл бұрын

    This is what I've been dealing with...I see narc tendencies in myself and I just don't know how to think or feel. I feel so confused.

  • @tjradmila
    @tjradmila Жыл бұрын

    I still remember how empty I felt, it was like 3 years ago. It wasnt depression I was just sucked out from life literally, wasn't allowed to feel any joy at all. Like when you have no blood in your body. Im doing much much better now, it was unnecessary experience but life is going on. Bless all survivors !!!

  • @evaaro1603

    @evaaro1603

    Жыл бұрын

    I know the feeling...Narc free is great!

  • @forevernever9977

    @forevernever9977

    7 ай бұрын

    Yes!!! The no joy at all. I felt this, growing up at home with my father, and wanted to die.

  • @forevernever9977

    @forevernever9977

    7 ай бұрын

    You can’t live without joy and hope, as a child.

  • @catnyc718

    @catnyc718

    6 ай бұрын

    No joy is exactly how I felt New years eve blah just sad lonely empty . I remember seeing pictures of what my friends did on new years eve and feeling even more sad. Stay well and best of luck to you.

  • @HTHTNT77

    @HTHTNT77

    5 ай бұрын

    I know this feeling exactly, it’s what I’m going through currently and reading your comments is giving me some hope that there will be light somewhere at the end of this horrible tunnel!

  • @innerworkshealing22
    @innerworkshealing222 жыл бұрын

    The reality of narcissistic abuse is intense, insidious, and unknown to most of the world. Unless you have experienced it, people tend to minimize, deny, and blame the survivor. As someone who has withstood this type of abuse mixed with physical abuse as well...I can relate to much of what Prof, Vaknin discusses, in particular his point about "the abuser becomes a voice in her head..." truly resonated with me. My ex's voice and statements still plague my mind whenever I am trying to better myself, accomplish something, be positive about myself or have confidence (the list goes on)...I can hear exactly how he would respond and cut me down to the core...Healing is a long, lonely process but I am determined to move forward and learn how to love myself and find happiness

  • @abcsoup2884

    @abcsoup2884

    Жыл бұрын

    You COULDN’T have said it better. I got a job where we went through an academy and it was then that I realized how much of my confidence had been exorcized by narc ex of 6 years..! it was a steady mental battle to hold the self doubt from invading my thoughts during the training .::I was surprised and infuriated about how his despicable words would still creep into my head that much later

  • @innerworkshealing22

    @innerworkshealing22

    Жыл бұрын

    @@abcsoup2884 people are hysterical. I didn’t write a rough draft for my personal thoughts on a KZread video. I said exactly what I meant but thanks for your perfectly spoken expertise

  • @gloriaknott7448

    @gloriaknott7448

    Жыл бұрын

    I’m in therapy using Brian spotting. I’m 60 and just getting some understanding of what I went through. Hang in there. Your enough!! ❤️❤️‍🩹❤️

  • @_SunnySet

    @_SunnySet

    2 ай бұрын

    What helped me was to realize everything that son of a bitch said was a lie told to you out of jealousy and purely just to hurt you.

  • @GinnyC1961
    @GinnyC19613 жыл бұрын

    My husband said to me one time "I'm not sure if you can survive me". It is such a bizarre statement it haunts me.

  • @knowledgeispower1739

    @knowledgeispower1739

    3 жыл бұрын

    My ex has said some twisted things like that. I am finally becoming a fighter and called 911 today and reaching out to people so they know the truth about him. I am no longer going to be the quiet victim and stand up strong and fierce!!!

  • @SB-eh1yl

    @SB-eh1yl

    3 жыл бұрын

    My ex said the same thing. “I’m just going to hurt you. Why are you with a POS like me?” At the time he hadn’t done anything that I was aware of. Come to find out he was living an entire double life, which life was fake-the one with me or the other one? Both? He said he had imposter syndrome and I never knew what he meant. He said he had so much shame and guilt and I’d asked him why since he hadn’t done anything wrong (yeah, right). Oh brother! I think the bottom line is, when someone says these things to you, believe them. Walk away and never look back.

  • @YoxFabxLOL

    @YoxFabxLOL

    2 жыл бұрын

    After he tried to contort my boundaries in order to have his way he told me something similar “ I don’t know how you stayed around this long”. I was in complete shock. Who was it that said that? Why would you say that? It was as if his mask fell off for that one moment and another person said that to me. I was abs still am speechless

  • @Nathaly0886

    @Nathaly0886

    2 жыл бұрын

    During a discussion with my mother she said something like " Well maybe when I die you'll be happy"

  • @ari_mas_cas3484

    @ari_mas_cas3484

    2 жыл бұрын

    My ex bf said he didn't want to pursue me because he didn't want to "F*ck my life up."

  • @trcrmrpr04
    @trcrmrpr043 жыл бұрын

    OH MY GOODNESS I wish I could get people in my life to watch and understand what I have been thru. Everyone just makes feel like I am supposed to be over all of this.

  • @msharic85

    @msharic85

    3 жыл бұрын

    Same!! I always say I wish my dog could talk. 😔

  • @OJMCFLY

    @OJMCFLY

    3 жыл бұрын

    You know what, they always tell us to get over it, that it happened so long ago. Well if there legs was to get broken, I would simply tell them to walk it off.

  • @peacefulliving6432

    @peacefulliving6432

    3 жыл бұрын

    They don't understand the abuse we endured through. It was a tragic time in our life.

  • @OJMCFLY

    @OJMCFLY

    3 жыл бұрын

    I appreciate y’all, I always say what if they would have killed us hitting us at a young age, I’m just now grabbing a hold of myself. I never knew there tendencies would rub off on me.

  • @msharic85

    @msharic85

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@OJMCFLY Don't beat yourself up. It's what we knew, even though it "felt" wrong. When you know better, you do better!

  • @suzannehartmann946
    @suzannehartmann9463 жыл бұрын

    If we can have "sex ed" in school, surely we can have education on such a common problem on how to deal with bullies. On what to do to protect others around you from bullying. We act like the VICTIM should have to deal with it instead of we should ALL have to deal with it. If the bully were using a gun or knife we would react. Emotional abuse is just as bad.

  • @robert6106

    @robert6106

    3 жыл бұрын

    They will never do it, as in that class room are likely a number of them.

  • @screllin

    @screllin

    3 жыл бұрын

    Absolutely 👏

  • @TejubescDM

    @TejubescDM

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@vickyb6588 Damn you took it out of my mind. The governmental abuse is the scariest thing right now and most people don't even realize it.

  • @hshshshsshshsh8368

    @hshshshsshshsh8368

    2 жыл бұрын

    Lots of people are not even aware they're in abusive relationships so even education is not a tool until you have to experience it because these people are manipulative and often do it over a long period. A person with a knife is just a quicker version of the abuser and straight away you know you are under stress. Not with emotional abuse.

  • @peaceangel-rl2hf

    @peaceangel-rl2hf

    2 жыл бұрын

    This is more or just as important to teach kids about as gender/sexuality etc

  • @annaraab4265
    @annaraab42652 жыл бұрын

    As a Neurotherapist and survivor, I call the trauma love from the amygdala. Learning to love without fear is everything. Perfect love casts out fear… there is no fear in love (bible).

  • @gloriaknott7448

    @gloriaknott7448

    Жыл бұрын

    Awesome comment. I’m asking for HS for revelation to that scripture. 😊

  • @SandraStachowiczLtd

    @SandraStachowiczLtd

    6 ай бұрын

    Genius! "Love From The Amygdala" sounds like a great book title (and yes, I'm a former publisher 😉)

  • @alisajamieson4065
    @alisajamieson4065 Жыл бұрын

    Healing is possible my friends. Yes it a horrific situation to endure and healing often takes time, but it is possible 💕

  • @countingthecosttofollowChrist

    @countingthecosttofollowChrist

    Жыл бұрын

    Yes, see the good that can come out of it. Scripture says that Yahweh works everything (good and evil) for our good Turn the pain into helping others who are abused. Help your kids see what healthy boundaries and healthy responses look like. Take the lessons and help òthers. Forgive your enemy (even if you need to distance yourself) and pray for him/her.

  • @izawaniek2568
    @izawaniek25683 жыл бұрын

    Everything and everybody are used against the victim. Everything is weaponised. The victim is immobilized, incapable of doing anything. Thank you professor! Everything you say is true. It is incredible but every word you say is a fact. Thank you for saving our lives! All narcisistic abuse victims should have a chance to hear this powerful message.

  • @jeffreyjewell75

    @jeffreyjewell75

    Жыл бұрын

    They would blame the victim that they are the ones being hurt. Gas lighting !!!!

  • @For-better_tomorrow..

    @For-better_tomorrow..

    Жыл бұрын

    😔😎

  • @johnathonhuson8734
    @johnathonhuson8734 Жыл бұрын

    I definitely became paranoid my life was under real threat. However, I was told that if she had a gun, she’d shoot me in the face. She walked up to me in the kitchen with a filet knife waving it around smiling, then got angry at me when I freaked out and shoved her away, claiming I “didn’t understand”, she just liked to “tease”. These people are threats to the fabric of society. Our current collapse is proof of that.

  • @deirdremorris9234

    @deirdremorris9234

    2 ай бұрын

    My word. Just reading all these comments is shocking! I hope you are healing.

  • @maxinemartin4517
    @maxinemartin45173 жыл бұрын

    It took me over 20 years to figure out why we only ever lived in constant chaos and pain . I had a breakdown which started the road to freedom for me and my sons. I was controlled in many ways one was just by a look! it seems so ridiculous now but it was enough for me it was frightening. I new to shut up from then on. I had many triggers from childhood . I was brought up in abusive family I was the escape goat. Outside of the home he was Prince Charming loved by everyone who met him or worked with him. To much to tell take far to long. If I did not have a faith in Jesus I would have not survived. I have 3 sons two are narcissist I had to go no contact. I just could not take anymore abuse. Its been a tough life. Its been a heartbreak and there were many times I did not want to go on! but I did and I have and I'm still here! At the wise old age of 71 woo hoo NO LONGER A VICTIM God bless all victims and survivors. If I can get out and find my soul again anyone can!!

  • @234forte

    @234forte

    3 жыл бұрын

    So inspiring, it is hard and hurtful to not be comfortable being happy because you know it will not last.

  • @proartek

    @proartek

    3 жыл бұрын

    I did not have children with my STBX, but I have had 8 years of chaos and pain. He was a master at manipulating my early childhood traumas, knowing exactly what to say to absolutely crush me and shut me up. Like yours, mine is the "Prince Charming" of everybody he meets or works with, yet they do not know the horrors beyond that. We have a family friend who is replacing some plumbing our basement who has been witness to some of the horrible, first-hand verbal abuse that has been inflicted upon me.

  • @littleiodine9480

    @littleiodine9480

    3 жыл бұрын

    Bless your heart, You Are Not Alone. I very much know the pain and confusion and I'm sorry you do as well.

  • @littleiodine9480

    @littleiodine9480

    3 жыл бұрын

    Maxine so very proud of you. So happy for you. Keep up the good work. I'm pushing 65. Lost my youngest son 10 days after he was 21. My middle one estranged me 15 years ago. I still don't know why pain and confusion unbelievable. My oldest, three and a half decades his drugs and running to him monetarily, legally, emotionally on and on. I honestly thought he love me. That child kicked me to the curb when he was done with me and is estranged now too. left their dad when they were quite Young. He was narcissistic and turned into a drug addict. The confusion and pain from the estrangement was almost too much to bear. I'm working hard on me. Keep working on you and let's both keep finding things that make us smile and happy. God bless you! :-)

  • @maxinemartin4517

    @maxinemartin4517

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@littleiodine9480 Praise God I'm through it now and living my life. You will make it . We are resilient women!! xx

  • @Katrn30
    @Katrn30 Жыл бұрын

    Those of us who survived narcissistic abuse appreciate when others understand what we went through because we even had a hard time understanding it ourselves. I blamed myself for years for the bad behaviour of the narcs in my life. Once I was validated, I was able to come out of the endless cycle of allowing narcissists in my life. It is, I have found, not possible to let down your guard because there are so many insidious narcissists. We must always be vigilant in protecting ourselves.

  • @Everydayheros

    @Everydayheros

    Жыл бұрын

    This is how I make it through days right now.. this community was well needed without it I’d be in a mental institution

  • @Katrn30

    @Katrn30

    Жыл бұрын

    @@Everydayheros I understand completely!

  • @Cass_772

    @Cass_772

    Жыл бұрын

    thing is, it is really hard to find a therapist who knows narc abuse and validates you... so it amplify the guilt, shame, the helplessness I have been waiting for a couple years now... I have been judge, falsely diagnose and felt sooooo helpless... most of the time, they think you are crazy, severe borderline but rarely can they see you are suffering from narc abuse and C-PTSD :( You are lucky

  • @Everydayheros

    @Everydayheros

    Жыл бұрын

    @@Cass_772 same boat.. it’s really took the life out of me. I’m uncomfortable everywhere maybe I had an underline disorder but this stuff brought everything out at once. THE HELP I NEED NOT AVAILABLE. So I’m trusting in GOD and trusting the process. I’m Narc free so this a start I guess.

  • @Katrn30

    @Katrn30

    Жыл бұрын

    @@Cass_772 I agree with you completely…my family and some friends allowed the narc to keep them away and blame me. What saved me was my son, my best friend, and a great support group who validated my experiences. Also the book “You’re not crazy it’s your mother” was a godsend, written by a woman in simple language, who went through similar things. I learned why I was a narc magnet, and what to look for in people. Victims of NPD abuse often suffer from PTSD, doubt themselves, and feel like they are going crazy. Find an online support group and see if you get comfort from that…just don’t trust anyone for awhile yet, while still in a fragile state. Stop defending yourself to anyone who hasn’t been through this…they will never understand how you “could let yourself be taken in” by the narc. It is victim blaming, don’t accept it. You did not deserve this abuse, you didn’t cause it, but you can learn how to avoid it as best as you can in the future.

  • @truthbetold6942
    @truthbetold6942 Жыл бұрын

    I had a narcissistic CEO boss. I watched him damage so many people and send them to the hospital due to stress, mental health, etc. What was even sadder is that everyone was so afraid of the CEO, no one spoke out even when they were abused or witnessed others being attacked. They would all lie and said they didn’t see or hear anything.

  • @forevernever9977

    @forevernever9977

    7 ай бұрын

    my last boss too! She was trying to fire me, it took her a long time because there wasn't a good reason to. Can you imagine the lengths she went to? She went to complete humiliation, and I almost buckled. I ended up getting sick and couldn't call in the third day. I knew i was out.

  • @chelly2468
    @chelly2468 Жыл бұрын

    It sucks so bad because most family and friends don’t understand. It’s such a lonely feeling. 💔

  • @deirdremorris9234

    @deirdremorris9234

    2 ай бұрын

    What are some things friends and family could do to make things better? My daughter is with a monster right now and we are very scared. We dont know what to say or do.

  • @chelly2468

    @chelly2468

    2 ай бұрын

    @@deirdremorris9234 im very sorry to hear that. To me what helped the most was my family being there for me, letting me tell them how I felt, spend as much time with them as I needed etc. mostly just let it be known you’re a safe place for her to go to if she ever needs something but to be completely honest with you, there is very little anyone can do. Until she is done, she’s going to stay. Outsiders had absolutely no impact on my decision to stay with my ex. He felt “like home” to me and home is where I wanted to be and felt most comfortable. It’s a devastating situation to be in on all sides. I wish I had a better response ☹️

  • @chelly2468

    @chelly2468

    2 ай бұрын

    @@deirdremorris9234 my parents were always very scared as well. Looking back I feel horrible for how I made them feel but I’m thankful they always continued supporting and loving me. I admit they did get upset at times because they just truly did not get why I stayed when I would vent and tell them all the horrible things happening. But mostly you just don’t want her to vanish and not speak to you, that would make you feel so much worse. Most likely her as well

  • @deirdremorris9234

    @deirdremorris9234

    2 ай бұрын

    @@chelly2468 Right. So we have told her we love her and are here for here 'whatever she needs'. Ive been trying to learn all I can about DV, RA, and tons of other stuff. Im very careful to not go "mom" on her. I want her to get her power back! And Im learning control is the center of all this madness. Thank you so much for responding.

  • @deirdremorris9234

    @deirdremorris9234

    2 ай бұрын

    @@chelly2468 I heard that from my niece too: guilt about "what she put her parents through". I dont feel that at all. I just want her safe and in power of herself and her babies.

  • @rachaelblythe7372
    @rachaelblythe73722 жыл бұрын

    Narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys. Understanding these terms saved my life ❤️

  • @carolinegraystone9308
    @carolinegraystone93083 жыл бұрын

    like shunning from a religion when you disagree , the whole community is commanded to disfellowship the "offender".

  • @jellohello2820

    @jellohello2820

    3 жыл бұрын

    And that also happens in certain 'online communites run by so called ' life coaches' who have female \male sycophantic followers who fancy the cult leader and won't question him \her in order to one day be rewarded for there sycophantic behaviour. The sad truth is they will never be rewarded. The leader knows these people are sycophants and regards them as beneath his\her concern. The leader will also never call a stop to this behaviour. Because the 'leader- coach ' enjoys the attention to much to put an end to it as well as the business advantages and other advantages.

  • @tinkingtinking2134

    @tinkingtinking2134

    3 жыл бұрын

    This happened to me in Alcholics Anonymous which is 98% Narcissist, 2% Empaths. I felt trapped and fearful, i was abused and manipulated by older members. I don't go anymore but I'm still sober and healthier then when I was going to meetings.

  • @carolinegraystone9308

    @carolinegraystone9308

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@barbarafordham9185 Oh yes . I became a Christian is that an unfogivable sin . When i actually witnessesed cover up sex with children DO NOT prattle on about unrepentant sin . Unless you were an elders wife you have no idea what you are taliking about . Peace in Christ not the gov bod

  • @guacgirl

    @guacgirl

    2 жыл бұрын

    The religion that "disfellowships" is following narcissistic tactics to a T to get you to come back. Very abusive. They literally love bomb new people, we were instructed to do so. You should be able to leave them without a smear campaign done, no harm to your reputation but they want to ruin you for turning your back on them, they claim it is for turning your back on God, as if they own God and He can only be access through them. They want to control you, control what information you have access to but people are finding out the truth and are beginning to question everything.

  • @beans9019

    @beans9019

    2 жыл бұрын

    YES 100% you aren’t just cutting off one person, you are cutting off the flying monkeys/enablers as well… unfortunately. No one sees the full story.

  • @jacqelvilleraw
    @jacqelvilleraw Жыл бұрын

    This is exactly what I deal with daily. Barely anyone understands. People are so uneducated in the area. It's excruciatingly frustrating.

  • @QuiDocetDiscit

    @QuiDocetDiscit

    10 ай бұрын

    I believe you and feel indignant for you. Be careful who you share your thoughts and feelings with. When they don't validate you and even start defending the abuser, you will suffer secondary abuse which can deepen the trauma and despair. Try to validate yourself, focus on healing and to not depend on the validation of people who are ignorant about NPD. I see you. I understand you. I believe you. Get well and be strong.

  • @camilleelise2508
    @camilleelise25083 жыл бұрын

    Hearing it being listed out so clearly and blantly, is difficult. This type of abuse has the goal of completely consuming and destroying someone from the inside out, like a gangrene. No wonder I thought my only choice to escape this pain is death..... Either by him or by my own hands either way my future is fatal. I was diagnosed with a bunch of things and medications and finally my therapist said "there is no medication you can take to stop someone else's abuse of you" I'm in the middle of planning and I hope I can make it out of this alive. Thank you for this, it helps keeps my decision firm,reminds me that it's real.

  • @maxinemartin4517

    @maxinemartin4517

    3 жыл бұрын

    Please plan well have support. Spread your wings and fly my sista! xx

  • @camilleelise2508

    @camilleelise2508

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@GoddessStone thank you so much!!💗 That is very helpful, I'll make sure to write this down.

  • @joywilly8895

    @joywilly8895

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@GoddessStone wow, this is the best and most heartfelt advice I have read in a long time. This type of abuse is practically indescribable to an outsider. I’m 30+ years into what I have now identified as npd abuse. My fog has only started to lift in the past year and although I am almost 100% sure, I still struggle with “ what if I’m wrong and it’s all in my head. I’m still frozen and just go about my day like a robot but I’m working on it. The tricky part is when there is no outburst for a few days, just enough that you think things are getting better. Then you realize things are ok as long as you stay in line, you walk on eggshells. Anyways, thank you for this well expressed piece of advice.

  • @rebeccat9389

    @rebeccat9389

    3 жыл бұрын

    There is absolutely life after abuse. Make a plan, things don't always go perfectly, but you can do this.

  • @hotstitch1

    @hotstitch1

    3 жыл бұрын

    I escaped to a new apartment. I will never forget feeling so safe; hanging up my fairy lights in window and looking out at the snowy garden. You can do it too.

  • @siouxpower1
    @siouxpower1 Жыл бұрын

    Thank you for this! I'm watching it with tears rolling down. I've often said that I grew up in a "cult" and my cult leader was my mother. She has NPD and it has taken me decades (I'm in my 60's) to silence the devastating inner script she helped create. I lost so many years of my life to debilitating depression and utter self-loathing. I'm breathing free air at long last--but it took a LOT of work!

  • @nmc1859

    @nmc1859

    11 ай бұрын

    Glad you are finally free 💖🙏

  • @michaelmckay8719
    @michaelmckay87192 жыл бұрын

    I've been married to a narcissistic for 25 years. And I've just been diagnosed with PTSD. What a waste of a life...

  • @hatman3636
    @hatman36363 жыл бұрын

    Had a narcissistic father. Definitely relate to all of this. Particularly the part of internalizing his critiques/abuse

  • @rebeccablankenship4710
    @rebeccablankenship47102 жыл бұрын

    Dr. Vaknin, you helped me save my kids and I. To those who are afraid to leave their abuser, you CAN do it. It might be the hardest thing you ever do, but there is hope and life on the other side.

  • @joyakinyi1707

    @joyakinyi1707

    11 ай бұрын

    Did you leave with your children?

  • @rebeccablankenship4710

    @rebeccablankenship4710

    11 ай бұрын

    @@joyakinyi1707 I did. We are doing so much better now, by the grace of God.

  • @amandabee5933
    @amandabee59332 жыл бұрын

    The hardest pill te ever swallow. Knowing that no matter what they said, what they did, it was all fake amd not for on second did they ever love you back.

  • @davetherave4599
    @davetherave459911 ай бұрын

    I had a stroke owing to years of narcissistic abuse. Yes, a stroke. Don't wait. They never change. Save yourself. Once your health is compromised, your options may become severely and irrevocably limited.

  • @salutsoleil3682
    @salutsoleil36822 жыл бұрын

    "She stalks herself via the agency of her abuser." This right here. Truth. Hopefully this is one of the many stages of healing, but I am beyond sick of hearing its insults over and over again in my head when it has been gone for over a year.

  • @KeriV-wx4qh
    @KeriV-wx4qh2 жыл бұрын

    My father is a narcissist. He had me and my four siblings working at his restaurants for almost ten years. This past year I had worked there after graduating college, and I’m still recovering. Horrible sleep. Nightmares. Hyper vigilant, feel on edge, nights are the worst. total end of my self confidence, dissociating, total emptiness and isolation. Literally feeling like there is no future… It’s been 8 months since working with him!

  • @chel-lalasveganmania

    @chel-lalasveganmania

    Жыл бұрын

    No contact - leave, run, go now. Then get a regular jobhow about a pet shop or a gardrn center... Then get his broken ecil thinking put of your head. Learn what ot is like to treat yourself with kindness. Good luck. Dr Ramani here on KZread is also great

  • @atreja324
    @atreja3243 жыл бұрын

    That is all about what our government is doing to us these days,This knowledge applies to what is going on in my country too. In wider perspective, causing mental illness and depression for the citizens. ..very difficult situation, You ,Professor described it in details. Thank You

  • @isolationqueen-thesilverli4055

    @isolationqueen-thesilverli4055

    3 жыл бұрын

    Yes!!! Abuse from afar is what it is!

  • @annadr3097

    @annadr3097

    3 жыл бұрын

    Fully agree! The goverments of our countries behave as toxic, abusive and narcisistics parents who try to reduce us to infantilic slaves when keep pretending that they care for our good. What a devilish world we live in. I do not consent!👊

  • @sieglinde553

    @sieglinde553

    3 жыл бұрын

    Very interesting perspective, yes it feels that way doesn't it.

  • @SirenASMR_

    @SirenASMR_

    3 жыл бұрын

    Yep they all need to be jailed by psychologist.

  • @TheLoonAttic
    @TheLoonAttic Жыл бұрын

    When you finally realize, Maybe you knew something was wrong but didn’t know until now. This was me two weeks ago finding out the marriage to my “wife”of 15 years was total smoke and mirrors. The knowing is very powerful and will explain a lot. Crushing at first, but I’m in a much better place after grieving someone that never was.

  • @denahooper

    @denahooper

    Жыл бұрын

    I hear you on that one it’s so sad they never even existed everything we ever once knew was a big fat mother freaking lie it’s nuts

  • @MrAlexH1991
    @MrAlexH19912 жыл бұрын

    I’m spending every day questioning my own reality and feeling completely immobilized.

  • @sadiyazaheer
    @sadiyazaheer3 жыл бұрын

    I thought narcissists are not that common but i was wrong. They are everywhere and they even do not know that they are narcissist.

  • @gayatriprasad3966
    @gayatriprasad39663 жыл бұрын

    I agree, we are living in a culture and have been conditioned to believe that being abusive/abuser is more attractive and stability is "boring". I know because I have just been through this.

  • @supermanifold

    @supermanifold

    2 жыл бұрын

    Abuse isn't sexy -- and nor should it be glamorized or condoned -- ever.

  • @AnimosityIncarnate

    @AnimosityIncarnate

    7 ай бұрын

    It isn't sexy, it isn't cool. It feels familiar. It feels even addictive? Like the highs certainly don't make up for the lows, but those fucking highs are unlike even opiates...

  • @jesussheep3457
    @jesussheep34573 жыл бұрын

    I am the lowest I have ever been. Heartbroken. Used and abused for other people's selfish gain. I dont know how I'll ever feel okay again or be able to sleep again without traumatic memories and regret and guilt

  • @adrianataffuri8507

    @adrianataffuri8507

    3 жыл бұрын

    Get help you deserve to live a great life and be treated with respect! Good luck All the best!!

  • @cjbear485

    @cjbear485

    3 жыл бұрын

    Kim I hope you’re doing better. I’ve been out 2 years now. I sometimes can’t believe how ill I was. I use to have nightmares about him, sleep on the floor in daughters bedroom with the door locked. I felt like a zombie. I would go to bed crying, wake up and put my make up on crying. It was a mission some days to just brush teeth or get to the supermarket. I’ve lost close loved ones through cancer but this was far worst. I actually felt dead. Please hang in there, it will get better. The less contact with them the faster I think you can get better. The pain and the nightmares do get better. Sending you love and strength x

  • @TheGra325

    @TheGra325

    3 жыл бұрын

    I feel you

  • @robertbakernorwich732

    @robertbakernorwich732

    3 жыл бұрын

    Be strong...you can do this..grey rock that bastard...hold still..im gonna spray u with teflon so non of the bullshit sticks to you...get ya Running shoes on and fucking run..anyway u can..run...these evil alien human scum...should be held accountable in court for the pain they cause...listen..u better still be running...never go back.no no no no no no no no..NO NO NO NO...XX

  • @peacefulliving6432

    @peacefulliving6432

    3 жыл бұрын

    I know hun, I felt like that too. You will get stronger the more you become aware. 🤗 Hang in there.

  • @cocu9371
    @cocu93713 ай бұрын

    I am taking medication for depression on account of this very experience. I am and was always confident and sure footed and did not require medication for a single thing. I am glad this is coming to light, In a way, I am "happy" to know I am not unique in this experience. Nothing was to prepare me for this. These accounts and the research findings has helped me put things in proper perspective. Thank you for your work. I am glad I found you.

  • @333mystic
    @333mystic Жыл бұрын

    For anyone who reads this. Please know that only focusing on the people in your life is not including all the influencers and manifestations of narcissism in your life. Most of the popular influencers across media and politics are feeding and allowing conscious and sub conscious narcissistic cycles. Great Post.

  • @goldahashemzukhn-viren8523
    @goldahashemzukhn-viren8523 Жыл бұрын

    Amazing!!! "Everything is weaponized'. What an insight, professor!

  • @clairebrayne6855
    @clairebrayne68553 ай бұрын

    I am in my first month of breaking away from wt I think was a narcissist...and never have I felt so not me ...I hope I regain myself after watching this 🙏😪

  • @karinjanesevanrensburg7511
    @karinjanesevanrensburg75113 жыл бұрын

    All you said is true. Getting divorced 16 Oct. Wanted to take my own life several times. I made it out. 3 months no contact. Was disgarded without giving me a reason

  • @SB-eh1yl

    @SB-eh1yl

    3 жыл бұрын

    Was discarded without a reason also. Mumbled something about me being too old for him and maybe I should date a dentist or four. Yes, truly mind-boggling to just be devalued after two and a half years, and’ just be ghosted altogether without a reason. My guess is he had another woman lined up who must have been younger, possibly was a dentist or dental hygienist Just completely baffling and hurtful.

  • @cynthiabeanez9191

    @cynthiabeanez9191

    2 жыл бұрын

    @@SB-eh1yl consider it They're doing you a favor. It's your chance to escape. They're not done with you. No not yet. They'll have more more of the same should you resist your intuition and return running when they suddenly call back for you from a long and punishing silent treatment. After you've struggled with your anxiety and self doubts and negative self talk, ruminating about where in the relationship you didn't execute the proper responses when in a r Triggering moment..and put even more guilt. They text you hi. Be prepared because you will go running back into their insidious web of taunting and covert devious behavior s that dismantle your mind emotions and soul. Energy consumption/narcissist Supply. (Right Dr. Sam!?!) Run run RUN! GET AWAY. Go back into the light. And bty you are a spectacular sentient being of light . Use this experience to prosper on with yourself. Don't let the narcissist 's trauma inflicted onto you make you contract use it to make your expand.

  • @lorimullen1464

    @lorimullen1464

    2 жыл бұрын

    The Narcissist leaves a trail of destruction. Some victims have lost their lives when they couldn't cope any longer.

  • @spacegirl226

    @spacegirl226

    Жыл бұрын

    I too was discarded without a reason. Did he have someone else? Maybe. I don't know. He was so secretive and wouldn't communicate with me, so I never knew what was going on with him. That's okay that I didn't get a reason. I'm free, and that's all that matters. Congrats on your freedom as well.

  • @freerobuxcheckmychannel2521
    @freerobuxcheckmychannel25213 жыл бұрын

    This is the absolute best description. I have ever heard. Thankyou for giving a name to my suffering. After 25 years of marriage, I have woken up in hell. Nothing was real. Nothing. He had literally swapped identities with me. I heard myself talking and didnt recognize my own voice. I tried to think my own thoughts. It felt like my brains had been blown out. I had been disembowled. I rise from a sea of acid, a skeleton, screaming in agony. No voice.

  • @yvonnebertrand3731

    @yvonnebertrand3731

    3 жыл бұрын

    I can completely relate to this.

  • @artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537

    @artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537

    3 жыл бұрын

    Same sad story here too. Wife narc pushed her guilt and shame on me, ruined our children and blamed me for it all. Sleepwalking but awakening now.

  • @carrienelson9485

    @carrienelson9485

    3 жыл бұрын

    Wow! I am writing down your last 3 sentences, so deeply, poetically explains what I am experiencing. I thank you for that. This is also the most helpful video I have watched.

  • @carrienelson9485

    @carrienelson9485

    3 жыл бұрын

    “They swap identities with you” ...I know you understand this, and I’m so glad you put it in words here for me to read. This may be the only time in my life I will feel SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS. Again, thank you for your post.

  • @SB-eh1yl

    @SB-eh1yl

    3 жыл бұрын

    He turned you into himself so that he could hate you as much as he hated himself, and then allow you to take the blame for everything that was wrong (because now you were no longer his mirror, but himself).

  • @melled8422
    @melled8422 Жыл бұрын

    I'm in recovery for this abuse. I thought I was the narcissist since I started acting like the abuser.

  • @kitkat9032
    @kitkat90323 жыл бұрын

    What he said at the end about nice girls and nice guys hit me right between the eyes. It's going to take me a minute to process that one.

  • @mashkanyc

    @mashkanyc

    3 жыл бұрын

    That part was nonsense.

  • @michaelaurelius2609
    @michaelaurelius26093 жыл бұрын

    I love that I was abused and manipulated. It enabled me to make my life way better and learn who the psychos in this world are. I took the path less traveled and when abused or manipulated stood up for myself. This turned me into an absolute terror for anyone in my crosshairs. I am bipolar but not a Narcissist. Bipolar people while delusional connect phenomenally with Narcissists. Me and my buddy call it co-delusional disorder. My perspective would never make sense to "normal" thinking people. I was unconventional in my approach but have fully recovered from Complex PTSD and Narcissistic Abuse. I did it my way and it worked. I am glad I didn't listen to "experts" and get caught in the Victim Web. Victimhood is a prison I only spent a short time in. Real survivors do anything to survive and get their soul fully back. You have to have alot of fight in you in this life. If you don't you will get caught in the chains of Victimhood. Fuck Victimhood I am a Victorious survivor of The School of Hell and Abuse. Now I never get messed with because abusive people can sense my strength 💪

  • @noshame5791

    @noshame5791

    6 ай бұрын

    THIS!! Good for you! I have borderline personality disorder and I share your exact sentiments. I am incredibly blunt now and have boundaries of stone. I yield for no one. If it doesn't serve my best interests I do not entertain it for a sec. No one can hurt me now. I'm grateful for the abuse I suffered because it's made me much stronger than any of the narcs in my life could ever wish to be. They hate me, cause they ain't me. That's now their problem. They no longer exist to me. 🎉❤

  • @pault9544
    @pault95443 жыл бұрын

    I grew up with a narcissistic mother - I go through periods of being able to experience emotions, some very intense, to periods of being flat out numb. The emotions I do feel when I feel them, are a mixture of normal emotions to at times intense where I may hyperventilate. I’m high functioning, I do well academically. However, sometimes my fatigue is overwhelming. I don’t really know exactly what triggers the numbness, but it probably has to do something with me checking out when I feel I can’t handle certain emotions.

  • @onyxwelborne

    @onyxwelborne

    3 жыл бұрын

    I had a narcissistic mother as well. Then I went on to have several relationships with narcissistic men. As a female, they tell you that you subconsciously choose men that are like your dad. Well, not me.. I keep choosing guys who are just like my mom was. She died earlier this year and I have been hit and consumed by a mass of conflicting emotions that come and go. I also experience the numbness you describe. I would say that 'numb' is probably my default state. If I'm not numb, I'm very angry, and I lash out at people who don't deserve my ire. I've never been an 'angry' sort of person, so when I lash out, I later wonder who this person (me) is.

  • @msharic85

    @msharic85

    3 жыл бұрын

    Have y'all had a talk with your mothers? I got out of a relationship in April & realized where my issues originated. My sis & I plan on having a talk with her one day, hopefully soon.

  • @pingu3984

    @pingu3984

    3 жыл бұрын

    @@onyxwelborne this EXACTLY my life. Exactly. I wondered why all of the men I'd arracted were so abusive and controlling and manipulative and I had quite a bad victim complex untill a therapist explained to me that I was subconsciously re-creating the traumatic dynamics I had with my mother. It's called a trauma cycle. My mother made me feel worthless. Like my existence was to be a punching bag and so I subconsciously looked for partners who would validate that core belief.

  • @KateBates22zabu

    @KateBates22zabu

    2 жыл бұрын

    @@onyxwelborne omg you sound like me. My dad's sister & her husband took me in @3yo. I remember being beat for peeing in my sleep. I'd wake up & try to hide the wet sheets being terrified and full of dread I tried to become sneaky. The beatings never stopped. She threw me out when I was 12 bc I didn't come straight home from school & she missed a hair appt & needed me to babysit. By this time I was noticeably troubled. Schools wanted me evaluated. By this time I was defiant & started drinking at my grandparents. My father who disappeared til I was 10 took over beating me. Nobody liked my dad but all were afraid of him..ppl that tried to help me out backed off if he became involved. Naturally the man I married became abusive. He started cheating when I was pregnant &I didn't know til he told me when I decided to leave. I got a place with our two girls but I let him move in 4 months later when he got evicted. This is when the physical abuse started for real. He battered & rpt me in front of our babies..the magistrate sneered at me saying a man can't raap his wife. He put me in hospital 10 days with internal bleeding & a broken leg God surely loved me bc after he broke my leg I escaped! He was going to finish me but the car ran out of gas & whole he was gone I hitched on my shattered leg & 2 young boys picked me up & took me to hospital ..I saw him running down the hill with the gas can. Thank you for listening. My baby daughter was 50 this January and she's a wonderful wonderful human being and giving her daughter the best life. My older daughter doesn't talk to me, says I should have aborted her. I've been alone since 2000, me & my lil dogg of 15years. The lack of tension is such a relief. No one yelling at me & me not frustrated n angry. Oh I forgot to mention that three weeks after he battered me he was murdered You cannot imagine my grief and sorrow but my first thought coming home from coroner's after identifying him with his face shot off, I thought I'm FREE. I was 27 in 1975 & I was free. I'm 74 it was 47 years ago I've had therapy, I function but serious setback losing my job to cove, each day a struggle to cook something, to change my clothes, take my dog out. I loved my first daughter too much. She was my first true love and the rejection by her is a bleeding wound. I'll never see her again she's not even in usa. I had to get this off my chest..I can breathe again kathy×o×

  • @KateBates22zabu

    @KateBates22zabu

    2 жыл бұрын

    @@pingu3984 yep. I was definitely in a cycle. I'm diagnosed borderline & told I "present well." Which means I can put on the facade n seem normal in presence of authority. I know what they want to hear. I'm the kind of person that would give a false confession if the police accused & coerced me, they wouldn't have to beat me the threat is enough. I believe what my uncle told me that I was a bad seed.& I still yearn for his approval but he's passed now 🙏 May he RIP with my brother and husband

  • @pvtrichardsonbr
    @pvtrichardsonbr Жыл бұрын

    When they are your parents its the worst.

  • @JaneDoe-hs5rr
    @JaneDoe-hs5rr2 жыл бұрын

    Thanks to the abuse I endured I trust NO ONE and question everything and everyone s intentions

  • @commonsensecomment
    @commonsensecomment Жыл бұрын

    It's so hard to explain the hell I've been through and how much I had to fight to get my life back when nobody believed me. Professionals and social assistants are not informed nor prepared in order to recognize narcissistic abuse survivors and won't help, just make the situation much harder, by underestimating the damage and danger a narcissist creates around and in relation with ex and children

  • @jenniferbarron3700
    @jenniferbarron3700 Жыл бұрын

    Never have I felt so understood as I do after watching this. My biggest concern was my beginning to become angry even physical. I feel understood, finally! Thank you!!!

  • @Yurkidding
    @Yurkidding Жыл бұрын

    The first obstacle to get help is how to explain this to someone

  • @xenajade6264
    @xenajade62642 жыл бұрын

    The worst memories and the hardest to get rid of can be simply the memory of the disgusted, dismissive look on his face or the casual flick of his hand as I was discarded. The facial expressions that spoke volumes about how terminally bored and disinterested he was and how repulsive I had suddenly become. I went from being the best thing since sliced bread, an angel, a divine soul mate, to being an affront to humanity. Suddenly I was no longer his wonderful partner but a disgusting object of contempt. You can never get over that, it's just unfathomable. Leaves you stunned, in shock, speechless. Its irredeemable. Idk how any therapist could help you fix damage like that. After the discard he tried to get supply from my kids by complaining about me... to them and telling them how heroically he had "tried" with me. Ugh.

  • @fragrenscat9468

    @fragrenscat9468

    Жыл бұрын

    same here, the words have faded but the contempt for me, that all the narcissists i have been unlucky to experience all do " the look".. you have described it perfectly "he worst memories and the hardest to get rid of can be simply the memory of the disgusted, dismissive look on his face or the casual flick of his hand as I was discarded. The facial expressions that spoke volumes about how terminally bored and disinterested he was and how repulsive I had suddenly become. I went from being the best thing since sliced bread, an angel, a divine soul mate, to being an affront to humanity.".. well i shall remember your words and whoever you are in the world, feel less alone when those memories come back x

  • @xenajade6264

    @xenajade6264

    Жыл бұрын

    @@fragrenscat9468 Thank you, and all the best🍀

  • @carolynbryner6834
    @carolynbryner68343 жыл бұрын

    AMEN!!! You describe my experience in so many areas! I'm now 3 years free from a 20 year marriage with a man who had many of the narcissistic traits you describe in your many videos. Thank you so much for your wise informative counsel! It took me 3 years of searching and 6 fails with therapists to come on to your info. All the therapists failed to recognize the problems which further added to my trauma. Again thank you is not enough for all the education you have given me through your videos. Probably saved my life!!!!

  • @LimitlessThinker

    @LimitlessThinker

    3 жыл бұрын

    I have gone for therapy and often found this is not a subject most doctors or therapists have a deep understanding of. This can compound the sense of isolation. I've done an incredible amount of my own selfcare and research. Amazing, when I reflect back. Sam has such a grasp on this subject. He has truly mastered and led the way, as a professional, on this subject.

  • @koolbeans8292

    @koolbeans8292

    3 жыл бұрын

    Carolyn. In other words you went to six narcissistic therapists. Plus probably lots of close people who doubted you called flying monkeys. Good for you!.. Enlightened.

  • @thurston4mor

    @thurston4mor

    3 жыл бұрын

    Thats why u must find a therapist that deals with narcs/ spaths.

  • @janetladybug5076

    @janetladybug5076

    2 жыл бұрын

    Therapy is pointless. Nobody where I live understands narc abuse.

  • @harima36

    @harima36

    Жыл бұрын

    It is outside of 'the comfort zone' of many therapists that i talk to about it. Many are in it for the comfortable $ and cushy control chair. My therapist probably should have been on the couch... not me!

  • @James-bc2oh
    @James-bc2oh Жыл бұрын

    That's one of the most detailed descriptions of narcissistic abuse iv heard ,it's exactly what's happened to me ,my hole life's been around narcissistic abuse with family,work and so called friends,I didn't realize I was a people pleaser I thought I was just doing what's right and they all took advantage of me, your hole life gets turned upside down when you realize what you've been living with for years,the sad thing is normal people don't no what narcissistic abuse is and can't help you, even the authoritys don't no what narcissistic abuse is and can't help you, great video🙏

  • @ivosoares9459
    @ivosoares94593 жыл бұрын

    It has been around 6 months since I went no contact, and broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 3 years (a demonic covert narcissist in my view, now), and I can definitely say it is a hard road ahead even after the relationship is over, I still have memories, and things that trigger me into panic attacks, flashbacks of arguments and horrible things he did, almost everyday. But, even though I feel these things, and it will take time to heal, I'm MUCH better now out of that horrible relationship.

  • @oniquekabright7492

    @oniquekabright7492

    3 жыл бұрын

    The only thing that helped me was my belief in God Praying and just trusting God for everything pray works

  • @CitizenZReincarnated

    @CitizenZReincarnated

    3 жыл бұрын

    I too was with a covert narcissist and all of the things she ever bought me, you know all those gifts that had a agenda behind it, I literally boxed up and dropped them off on Her door step one day with her new supply at the house we built together and left. Best feeling of my life. I am slowly getting rid of the furniture and every item that was acquired during my time with her, I literally want nothing that ties me to her. The pictures are gone, the videos gone, everything. She really caused that much trauma in my life

  • @SB-eh1yl

    @SB-eh1yl

    3 жыл бұрын

    Good for you! Keep going. I’m almost at 6 months and am feeling so much better. Hit rock bottom about a month ago, so alienated, distraught, in the depths of despair. I wanted to die, never date again, never smile again. Couldn’t sleep, cried every day, uncontrollably. First thought in the morning and last thought at night, awake most nights. Covert narcissists... I wish I had never heard the term, because once I saw it, I can’t unsee it and have to live with the dreamwrecking reality of knowing this person I loved was actually a cruel, manipulative, empty skin suit who never actually loved me. And I let him. Ugh. BUT, a few weeks ago the sun finally came out again. I realized that I’m still a sweet, kind person and I deserve a reciprocal, warm and affectionate and KIND partner. I’m still pretty, but he will forever be ugly. Haha. I feel FREE. I am the good one. It wasn’t about me. He tried to steal my joy and annihilate my spirit. He is in his own living hell of a worthless life, and I am free of him. In a way I even reframed this so that I’m grateful for the experience. I now know what boundaries to have, what I will NOT tolerate anymore, and how to recognize manipulation and lying. He will just do it again to some other victim, but I survived. Can’t wait to see what the future holds. Good luck everyone!

  • @Megzm6
    @Megzm63 жыл бұрын

    I think it's so different in that it's very underhanded you don't realize what you're dealing with until after the relationship is over. I believe I was dealing with a covert narcissist a covert vulnerable which is probably why I couldn't pinpoint what he was doing This type of abuse is so different in that it takes a really long time to recover from, not like a normal breakup at all. You're left in a state of confusion. It doesn't end at the end of the relationship either they continue to abuse/ humiliate/ triangulate you further over social media. It never ends.

  • @Vxruxxss

    @Vxruxxss

    Ай бұрын

    It's so hurtful 💔 i relate to this on every level

  • @NARCISSISTICABUSE101
    @NARCISSISTICABUSE1012 жыл бұрын

    I began having auditory hallucinations around 18 months after leaving my ex. It started with rapid onset of paranoia and it took a few months for the hallucinations to start. I truly believed the things I was hearing were real and I couldn't understand why no one else couldn't see or hear it. I was hospitalized on a 5150 toward the end of what they called psychosis. My abuse was very drawn out with parental alienation woven into my life as well. This video validated me like nothing I've ever consumed. Thank you. I really look up to your work.

  • @Cass_772

    @Cass_772

    Жыл бұрын

    So sorry it happen to you :( psychosis is a symptom of C-PTSD, I don't know if there is an english version of a french TV series called "MEGANTIC" but I learned a lot while watching this... if I may suggest it to you. Hope you are doing well

  • @ddukes3854

    @ddukes3854

    4 ай бұрын

    Hi! I just started learning about NA- husband is NA- Older son had psychotic break & 5150 too. Still suffering! How did you see the light ? He has been recruited by NA father as flying monkey, and son is confused , disoriented and unable to function properly! Hope your healing has progressed well!💖

  • @taftoli
    @taftoli3 ай бұрын

    I had no idea about narcissism or narcissistic abuse when I was married, but when I told my husband that his behavior and abuse was driving me to depression, instead of showing remorse or looking to see how he could change, he called up my parents and told them I needed mental help. He often gaslighted and called me psycho just for standing up for myself against the abuse, including physical abuse. Once I was discarded and away from most of the abuse, I grieved but I realized my hair stopped falling out and a nagging cough I had during the marriage quickly went away. So it is true that narcissistic abuse can have physical effects even in short-term relationships. So victims really need to take it seriously.

  • @biancaswart9701
    @biancaswart97012 жыл бұрын

    Today I feel considerably bad because of narcissistic abuse. I have a strong spirit and will survive

  • @lawrencefeldman7744
    @lawrencefeldman7744 Жыл бұрын

    I feel better around regular people who don't behave in manipulative ways. You can feel via their body language and conversation what constitutes probing and consummation of (your) data. Authentic people allow give and take. Narcs just take.

  • @fulloffiresagittarius2944
    @fulloffiresagittarius2944 Жыл бұрын

    WOW, I suffer still from every sign you mentioned in regards to being a victim of narcissistic abuse. I have abused myself, behaved recklessly, self destructive, feel helpless, useless, guilty, suffer from panic attacks, extreme anxiety, feel trapped, hyper-vigilance, fatigued, exhaustion, automatism, cant focus, my work has suffered and see no meaningful future. But, as I have said before by watching these videos and gaining a better understanding of the ramifications one bears from narcissistic abuse, it has given me a strong self of hope and strength, so thank you very much Prof. Vaknin, I am truly grateful!!!!

  • @alice-zi8nf
    @alice-zi8nf2 жыл бұрын

    The ruminating over and over is so true. How do you stop that?!

  • @rosarosa3048

    @rosarosa3048

    11 ай бұрын

    Maybe concentrating on another thing is better than trying to stop ruminating.

  • @OfficialKingKulin
    @OfficialKingKulin Жыл бұрын

    I wish we had more videos about men being abused because us men have no outlets and need it more than ever in todays environment

  • @Atpeace710

    @Atpeace710

    15 күн бұрын

    Talk to our lord and saviour Jesus Christ he will guide you

  • @karlhungus5436
    @karlhungus54362 жыл бұрын

    A narcissist still reigned me in, even after knowing she was one from week 1 love-bombing. I had to look it up, but I knew it wasn't right. Its easy to fall for the fantasy. I had no friends so I decided to take her on anyway, as a sort of experiment, despite knowing what she was. Even with full complicity, I still ended up being abused. Forget everything you know about relationships with narcissists because you're not dealing with a real person. Real people have a conscience based on some formula of reciprocity, from which normal people adjust behavior according to a calculus of morality and emotions. Narcissists have nothing. You can't deduce the hidden platform on which they stand; it's only an open ocean, subject to the wild.

  • @morgankelly3628
    @morgankelly3628 Жыл бұрын

    This is the best lecture on narc abuse. The pronounced element of stalking is very insightful and relatable. I worked hard over a year overcoming my abuser, however, now I face a backlash of the abuse, that I thought I had gotten over. It is very difficult, I feel like quitting my job and isolating for deep meditation to overcome these incessant thoughts and distorted feelings I face again. It is a “continuing nightmare” indeed.

  • @chunkysocks8121
    @chunkysocks81213 ай бұрын

    I didnt realize how much my mom’s narcissistic abuse affected me until I was 18 and my parents divorced. She moved out, and all of my anxiety and depression that I grew up with went away. I am so happy when she focuses on something else and leaves me alone.

  • @BlueButterfly-mw8ld
    @BlueButterfly-mw8ld3 жыл бұрын

    Everyone requires self esteem to be emotionally balanced. Narcissists belittle in such a deceptive way that it can go unnoticed by the victim until the victim's life starts to go downhill big time.

  • @rebeccamajor4625
    @rebeccamajor4625 Жыл бұрын

    “Fatigue, lowered concentration..” etc. I can relate to this. I recently saw family that I haven’t seen in years (one of them for 15 years!), and I cannot get back to normal. It takes so much energy to process it

  • @terrorshark6836
    @terrorshark68363 жыл бұрын

    I want to tell u my story I worked at a haunted house for a few years I married the boss of the place we stayed together for 9 years he did everything u say in your videos to me l, it was only until I came here I now understand what happened to me which has helped me heal he turned an entire community of work people against me like a cult none will speak to me. All because I called out some of his innapropriate behavior I thought I was going crazy people where telling me I was crazy and he used that against me had me even locked up for literally nothing it made my self world go away and then they wanted me to go away so I turned into a complete Borderline psychopath I moved across country and became homeless living in a tent and became a drug addict having mental health issues I never had before. I am healing now i am doing better time heals and perception helps but if I wasn’t strong I would have not made it . everything u ever say is spot on to my story it’s kind of crazy to hear it played back to me when u say it I kno I’m not crazy

  • @kyliereef7664

    @kyliereef7664

    3 жыл бұрын

    Strong☺

  • @amygunter2211

    @amygunter2211

    2 жыл бұрын

    You’re an amazing human and please be proud of yourself✨🌸✨🌸✨🌸✨

  • @arachnidashe410
    @arachnidashe410Ай бұрын

    You've blown my mind with this. I didn't know that this was a response to trauma. Through a lot of therapy with my counsellor and identifying the "underlying current", I used a kind of poetry, but broke myself into about 3 younger versions of myself called "brothers". It's more a creative writing approach because I have trouble verbalizing, but as an internalized idea, I had the sense that there were phases of my childhood, but I would hesitate to call them personas I adopted. More like acknowledgement of individual traumas that I swept under the rug to cope. That a people pleaser I became was the only option I had to avoid being abused by my parent, and that I am running away from the concept of blame because perfection is what I thought I needed to strive for to be deserving of love. Therapy helps, especially when you trust them. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it can truly guide you to heal.

  • @Kevin-er1pp
    @Kevin-er1pp3 жыл бұрын

    It's amazing how narcs definitely warp the way you think to look past narcs behaviors and actions.

  • @scrumdiddly
    @scrumdiddly2 жыл бұрын

    After a year of weekly abuse I got to that near zombie place. I was a shell of who I used to be. I had been carved out and was left hopeless and felt helpless. I in a fit of impulse after another weekend of abuse began, I left and got a lease and haven't gone back. But, she is still in my head. Even now. She lives there and is on my shoulder every day. I am denying her voice. At least I start to recognize it. And I deny that what she said about me is true. But, some days I still believe it. I am so damaged.

  • @katherinestrachan4389
    @katherinestrachan43893 жыл бұрын

    I have been diagnosed as a paranoid scitzophrenic with alcohol related brain injury because my ex narc ran me down with his car. He has then stalked me for five years but because no one recognises narc abuse in south australia. He got away with it and I have been further abused by the system. I recognise that I have cptsd and now ptsd with memory problems but i have perfect vision and balance. Thankyou so much for recognising that attitudes need to change out there. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you who have and continue to survive such extreme abuse without any support. This video related very much to me. Thankyou so much for your work and honesty. I very much appreciate it.

  • @tomkeeler4243
    @tomkeeler42433 жыл бұрын

    I want to add a hypothesis on this analysis. I believe that because it is of the atmosphere the victim has been coupled with ( the narcissistic derangement syndrome ) that the only way to restore the victim is to essentially " Reset " the victims psyche. Since no sense can be made of the matter because it's foundation was a false premise, it misses having an identity. To search for an identity in facts that only offer conjecture and indifference as well as a weaponized effort to thwart off any stabilization of the victim would only support the notion that to fix the matter " The blackboard must be wiped clean of false realities" this leading to the conclusion that one cannot find the cure in the same environment as the inflicted illness. Thomas M. Keeler

  • @JoshD-hh6no
    @JoshD-hh6no2 ай бұрын

    Its impossible to find help to do with psychosis, ptsd, panick attacks, and all the other things you mention caused by a narcissist, this is a great video

  • @samvaknin

    @samvaknin

    2 ай бұрын

    Watch the NA healing playlist.

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