“When someone treats you like you’re just one of many options, help them narrow their choice by Removing yourself from the equation. Sometimes you have to try not to care no matter how much you do.Because sometimes you can mean almost nothing to someone who means so much to you. It’s not pride, ITS SELF RESPECT. Don’t expect positive changes in your life if you surround yourself with negative people. Don’t give part-time people a full time position in your life. Know your value and what you have to offer, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.”

@StormsHurt

Жыл бұрын

Well said 🎉🎉🎉❤

@blueskythinking8312

4 ай бұрын

Very well said

My heart wants to stay my head says logically i should leave

I was stuck with a narcissist for 27 years, not always bad, many times good.But after he died I went to Asia and became an ESL teacher and had the best time of my life for the next ten years. So never be afraid to leave and go.

@Chamonix2000

2 ай бұрын

What a great encouragent to all of us who think that with so much time passed in pain, there is little hope for good. What is ESL?

I left my abusive marriage and the transition was horrible. Again, I left my other relationship and I was Thankful. Both relationships have no regrets. I have three children with my marriage and they are my life and purpose to live fully. My last relationship was my greatest lesson it made me realize my worth and values. Now I’m on my healing journey, I know it needs a lot of hard work. Thank you, Esther, for these wonderful insights❤

I can’t believe you give this advice out for free. I wish you were my therapist

@estherkim2425

2 ай бұрын

I wish this every time I listen to her!!

this pathological dance between avoidant and anxious attachment.

@heartspacerelaxations6924

2 жыл бұрын

Have you found solutions? I like the school of life.

@reneesadhanagutierrez979

2 жыл бұрын

@@heartspacerelaxations6924 Yes, therapy. The School of Life is also helpful for introspection and reflection but therapy is really needed to break the patterns.

@CrystalDatingCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Stop dancing!

@Ikaros23

2 жыл бұрын

@@reneesadhanagutierrez979 1: Therapy 2: meditation 3: contact with nature 4: good sleep/rest 5: eat healthy ( cut out super processed foods, rafined sugar) 6: cut out nicotine, caffeine ( creats alot of anxiety), have strict controll on alcohol or cut it out totaly 7: cut people who are high in narcissism out of your life ( 4-5 red flags= cut out). 8: more alone time 9: quality time with people you trust,respect 10: Let go of people, things,habits that are holding you down/back.11: do it all in a slow controlled maner, health is not a competision. 12: Educate your self on stoicism and zen, it’s gonna help you slow down the pace of your brain. And to see things more clairly « as they are».

@mrsherwood2599

2 жыл бұрын

I have found the best results in the Crystal Dating approach.If someone has an emotional need to avoid me, I'm only too happy to take the steps to help them regulate. Call me an empath lol.

It's hard because both sides of the ambivalence feel so real.

It was interesting to see in the live feed, that there’s a lot of fear around doubts… But doubts are normal. And they give us valuable information about OURSELF. If you take the time to dive deep (like inner child work), you may find a “life bucket” that’s a bit empty. We doubt because we are feeling unfulfilled by our partner/ not getting what we want & are unhappy about it….But the more interesting question is: why would you hand someone the keys to your happiness? Only you can fill your buckets. Only you are responsible for your happiness. Only you can ask for what you need in your relationship. Only you can set boundaries for you. Etc. Your partner is the dessert in life, not the main course. Happiness is an inside job. If you have doubts, that’s your authentic self telling you to pay attention. And yes, if you’re in an unhealthy relationship, but you’re doing the work (for example), you might doubt that is the right place for u to be. Honor yourself, your intuition, your values. If you can operate from a place of love, you’ll see the doubt is normal & good. It’s a flag for u to do the inner work, and to honor yourself. ❤️❤️❤️

@chilloften

2 жыл бұрын

😘 beautifully stated.

@joanna0988

2 жыл бұрын

I love that ❤️ very well said.

@Rcsd5988

2 жыл бұрын

This really spoke to me. Thank you!❤

@kerrybentley9166

Жыл бұрын

Very very true thanks for sharing those words of wisdom

@revabbyjoovitsky5152

Жыл бұрын

Yup.

This type of relationship is a waste of time. You have to know who you are and what you want out of life to make a decision. My opinion is that you should leave anyone that constantly dedesturb your piece of mind and we'll being.

If you need to ask that question then there is already a problem! Don’t ignore your intuition....

It does not surprise me that her perspective is so human, so compassionate, so helpful.

There is a thing called, co-dependency. And there is a very thin line betweens to ambivalence and co-dependency.

What someone tells you is the truth. A person will not change unless they choose to. If they project their past on you, they are the problem, not you.

wow. "it made sense at the time in the context I was in. You can't judge the decision of then with the criteria of the future"

I remember in my 20s agonizing over this very question. I asked a beautiful Korean woman I worked with, "Dont' you ever fight with your husband?" She looked at me so strangely and replied "why would we do that we love each other" I never forgot that profound, straight from the heart answer. If its love it shouldn't be hard work, it should flow the majority of the time. I took my husband of 30 years to my therapist and she was kind enough to sit for 2 hours and ask questions. In the end in our next session, I asked her opinion, she said he is "gone gone gone across the field and over the fence" she was right, that was 8 years ago. I had tried to have patience and wait for his 5 year affair to end. The dating game is not fun, but neither is indifference.

@MP-gw5kw

Жыл бұрын

“Love shouldn’t be hard work.” So true. There should be a difference in opinions but no fighting because neither partner should be trying to convince the other that they are right, and the other wrong. True Love is unconditional., but most don’t have the capacity to do that because we don’t live outside ourselves- we live through our egos. Love is also nurturing, understanding, and most of all, I think love is peace. I think religion and the idea that we’re to be patient in marriage keeps people in unloving, disrespectful, and abusive relationships. The idea that someone is supposed to tolerate hurt until the other makes up their mind or finally sees that their person is the one because they’ve stayed and tolerated them is like dying by a thousand cuts. Meanwhile, the faithful partner withers away, losing themselves within the relationship. I pray you are in a better place. 30 years is a whole lifetime. Sending Love and light

@icephoenix3565

Жыл бұрын

You Should have married an Asian man instead.

@goldencatpat

Жыл бұрын

@@icephoenix3565 too small

@icephoenix3565

Жыл бұрын

@@goldencatpat found the white incel

@sheetalb2836

Жыл бұрын

Are you still together

I am from the Philippines, I am amazed on your insights and perspectives. And also on the fact that problems in relationships do not differ that much regardless from which country or region you are from.

Bottom line in my opinion: If I meet someone, who lives by the Marilyn Monroe theory "If you don't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best". To that I say B.S.; We can love our children unconditionally, but there has to be conditions with a lover! If someone, a man or woman, often loses control and loses respect in the moments they are 'at their worst', because of some internal issues THEY HAVE, not you, it's time to respect yourself and get out of that see-saw relationship. It's toxic and those worst times are bad for your health! When you know youre flexible and motivated to compromise and/or express a desire to communicate and they've never fully had that motivation, their bad behavior is likely not due to some abnormal quirk in your behavior and attitude.

@bellakim9404

2 жыл бұрын

How do you know if the issue is Internal for them, or the reaction/action as you say that was Out of Control was induced by the constant bad behavior or disrespect by the other? How about if the person who lost control always remained poised, yet had a moment. People are human?

@sn7miller

2 жыл бұрын

@@bellakim9404 You're absolutely right. Getting mad or upset on occasion might be totally justified ! It is human. I'm not talking about those occasions. I'm talking when you're with someone that has a short fuse, with many, not just you....it could be their X's, their friends, coworkers, etc. Sometimes it does take a little critical thinking to separate normal "human reactions" due to justifiable irritants, to that of often "losing control". Can there be a grey area? Of course.

@bellakim9404

2 жыл бұрын

@@sn7miller I appreciate that answer. Thank you.

I was in a relationship for 3 years with a narcissist and for me it was him making me fall in love with him because he was so good to me in the beginning and then to see that change that they all do it's sad and it's heartbreaking because they make you believe that they want a future with you but it's just an illusion

Ambivalence..... What do you need and want? Does the person hurt you? Does the person respect you and your values? Do you trust the person? If you have to walk on egg shells, is it worth it? From your past, how are you continuing a cycle? Which is more comfortable for you, being uncertain or being alone without dancing between suffering, not being true to who you are and what you want? What is lonlieness to you? What type of support system do you have?

@richardpellerin2086

Жыл бұрын

Wow. Well said. So many layers.

I'm 23 right now and I'm in a ambivalent relationship. :D It's funny how my age sounds "far away" and "not that important" from a mature person, but me in my perspective I feel like my best years are going away and I won't encounter a better man than my bf and I will regret losing him forever.

@ari_jean

2 жыл бұрын

@VioletSkyes93 thank you *so much* for your answer. I was going to end the relationship at some point, but your comment made me sure I shouldn’t wait for that “less painful point”. It’s going to hurt a lot, but this is not the relationship I want. I’m very sorry to hear your story and I understand you must be going through so much… I really hope you won’t be doing too much comparing with that woman, because it just doesn’t have any sense other than destroying your self-esteem.. Probably I can’t even imagine how much it hurts you, but you seem like such a beautiful, kind person, who absolutely deserves the best. Your ex clearly doesn’t have a very decent character if he could waste years of somebody’s life like that, which makes me think he won’t be a very good man to that other woman either. I don’t know if you’re at the stage of accepting this information, but it’s honestly great you don’t have that fake person in your life anymore. Of course you won’t get the time back, but objectively you’re not even 30 yet. At least in my country most people don’t even consider looking for a serious relationship until that age and are considered super young. For sure nobody thinks here that “youth finished at 25”😅 Sorry if something I wrote was unclear, I’m not a native English speaker. Send you a big hug. ❤️🥺

@icephoenix3565

Жыл бұрын

@@susie5101 Jesus Christ. 61? Good luck.

I have been holding on to my relationship for quite some time now and I wish I had seen this video earlier because it would have made my decision easy and fast. I am glad I was bold enough to end it anyway because I was lost in myself. Just watching this video has given me the clarity to re-enforce my decision. Thank you, Esther

Do not expect ANYTHING if you are not able to meet them yourself.

I relate to a lot of what you are stating. Sometimes I feel like I don't trust myself to make a decision.

@adriannedubins2778

2 жыл бұрын

I completely don’t trust myself to make relationship decisions

@kellybradley4912

2 жыл бұрын

@@adriannedubins2778 Hi Adrienne, I completely understand what you mean. Do you mind if we chat.

@CrystalDatingCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Trust your feelings. Are you happy. Crying more than crying??

@Ikaros23

2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like you need therapy. That is to learn this " Skill". Also remember that doubt are normal in life. Learning to 1: live with these mixed emotions 2: learn to take responsibility for your emotions and not to blame others or the world for them. 3: see that all you realy can controll is how you " react" on these emotions. Both on a intellectual and emotional level. That is the mind creats feelings and thought on their own

@marvingayle9427

Жыл бұрын

@@adriannedubins2778 why don't you trust yourself ?

I’ve only been in two relationships, one a 46 marriage to a narcissist, the second to a handsome, intelligent, fun, sexy, AND a bipolar man. The good was as you describe WOW, the bad was BAD. After 4 years I knew I had to GO. I did go back and then out, then back and then out. I knew nothing had changed once the thrill window was gone. I felt I was disrespecting myself, i left for the final time and have not looked back. Not easy but necessary.

The man I have been in a relationship with now for 9 months introduced me to your brilliant view on things. Thank you for all you teach. As I listen to this talk, it resonates so much as I have experienced ambivalence many times over these last months. What I have come to understand is that much of ambivalence arises from my own sense of self - from fear, doubt and old trauma. As I travel a road of self healing and self acceptance, I am more inclined to “patience”. To allow things to unfold without constantly being in a state of civil war, a frenzy of expectation or diving into the despair of unworthiness. Patience is hard to master and it’s important, I think, to not confuse it with compliance or adjustment for the sake of peace and a partner.

@heartspacerelaxations6924

2 жыл бұрын

I think EMDR Therapy can be helpful.

@sherryj738

Жыл бұрын

I have been alone for 4 plus years, realizing that I had work to do within myself. It was difficult work, but I didn't give up and over time, I realized what I will accept in my life and what I won't tolerate anymore. I have also learned along the way, to always trust my intuition and gut instincts. It never steers me wrong. I have enjoyed the time spent on myself and the things that I have literally learned. Your phenomenal. 💕🙏

@marvingayle9427

Жыл бұрын

@@heartspacerelaxations6924 what is 'EMDR therapy'?

Remarkable. Bless you, Esther.

Really an insightful session. Loved the quote for "Patience" so apt.

You are the best Esther. So much of clarity

Love your teaching ❤ Esther . I been 41 years married I admire you, you say so many situations that I been there. I've been leaving my marriage since a year after my marriage 😂. And look at me l am still here. Covid has saved our marriage . From Malta ❤

She's the most stylish psychologist on the internet! I love the way you dress. I'm a fan! 😇

Beautifully said ❤ Thank you for sharing this message with us.

THANK YOU ESTHER!

This is pure gold!

You are amazing Esther, just amazing, that's it

WOW! This was amazing! You are amazing Esther! Thank you!!!

If it’s bad it won’t be better.

Thanks for this wonderful workshop Esther. I wasn't able to join live and so have just finished watching the replay. You are so great at capturing the duality of ambivalence and explaining it in such a way as to be understood and contemplated, by my personal brain and my professional brain! Thank you.

Your wise feeds my soul deeply. You are the best

I just ended a 6 yr relationship. My partner was the best at just giving me enough to keep me in, but not enough to truly grow with me. He used to say that the love he has for me is like nothing he could describe, but I was always left with a feeling of coldness. He continually kept secrets and many woman “friends” but I was the woman who met his family etc.

10 of 10!!! Explained SO well!

This is so helpful to me, Esther, thank you for doing this 💖

I'm needing this! V.helpful content! Thank u so much. ❤❤❤❤❤❤

Esther- thank you . I love your work🙏🏽

You have been such an inspiration Esther, love all your talks. Help me navigating this confusing world. Thank you!

thank you Esther! always so enlightening and helpful ❤️

You're so amazing. Thank you so much for your content.

I love your brilliance .. i always get goosebumps hearing you speak. Thank you for helping so many of us ❤️‍🔥

Thank you I needed to hear this

Thank you very much dear Esther for this interesting topic and for sharing your insights. To all those who asked questions: thank you as well.

16 minute. I would ask, “Is this person doing right by you and does (s)he have your best interests at heart?” Someone gave me this advice once and it changed my life. Full dead stop when I hesitated in my reply. Love your videos, books and podcasts!

@kellybradley4912

2 жыл бұрын

Hello Lydia ☺️

@lydialjal

2 жыл бұрын

@@kellybradley4912 No. Just no.

That was amazing! Thank you 🙏🏻

Yes definitely. It’s happening to me at the moment

What an incredible gift to us you are Esther

This is such a wonderful discussion. Made me go through a lot of thoughts. Thank for you this 💕

Esther, thank you for being so inspirational and brilliant.

Thank you I've been having this and a few other of your videos on replay. This has made me more mindful about myself, my relationship and how I think about it.

Ihre Augen glänzen so schön. Danke für die schöne Gedanken

The things you said (29:30) about ambivalence helped me a lot to go to my selfresposibility! Thank you!!!

How I relate! Sunk cost and stable ambivalence. I’ve been ready to leave for 20 years, but a divorce seems so violent, and I have hated having double celebrations for all major moments in my life because I have an insecure stepmother who won’t share the room with my mom. I don’t want to possibly put my kids through that. And the money is a whole issue. And my husband is a good guy, overall. ~sigh~

@flexusanm

Жыл бұрын

Any update?

@OliviaPicon

Жыл бұрын

Same, I have been married for two years. And when it's good its the best relationship I have ever had, I feel so happy and complete. But when it's bad is horrible and the thing is that keeps getting worse. During our last fight, I had a massive stress rash

@CatWoman6

Жыл бұрын

That's like me. 18years - good relationship but lacks a certain fire passion. But has everything else. Sigh sigh 😏

Greatest for breaking the confusion & seeing a different way to respond to impermanence.

Hello from Namibia. Grateful for your teachings, always. 🤍

I found her a few years back, and I thank the gods for it. Her wisdom and insight - priceless.

I love listening to this woman 😊

Esther, I can't thank you enough for this video. I've just watched it and wasn't present live (I recently just found you and just finished your MasterClass/binged all of your KZread videos!) This one in particular has been the most helpful to me. It's helped me realize where my relational ambivalence towards my husband comes from. Hint: it has nothing to do with him! This has given me a lot of renewed confidence in our relationship. Thank you.

I’m glad I came across this video.

This was great! I would love to hear you elaboration of this within marriages.

Your position is very compelling and rang several bells in the problems I had in my first marriage. Very informative! Thx -

maaaaan, Esther you are DOPE. Thanks a lot

The idea that we experience the same thing differently has never occurred to me. And it explains SO much. I want more to understand this for myself. And maybe this is why I experience so much frustration and even anger

Do not apologize for your beliefs, values, decisions.

Esther, this was really good 👌🏽

Thank you Esther! Your contribution to humanity is so amazing. I love all of your content to date and always look forward to more. Thank you for helping me create the man I am and am progressing towards :)

I have been going thru this cycle in my current relationship, but not to such an extreme extent…but it’s still literally been said: should I stay or should I go. I am writing this before the end of the video so I can’t wait to hear the rest!!! You have no idea how much your videos have helped both myself and my “fiancé”

“Is this resonating with you?” YES!!! A million times over… ❤️

Many thanks Merel 😊

As always, thank you Esther for sharing insight with your audience and having a conversation with us rather than blaming or pointing fingers or silencing. You help us to learn how to shape our thinking about relationships and in turn live better lives.

Wow this is a great video! Really useful stuff

In ur 1st exercise, I would ask things like: Are you respected for your feelings, needs, and decisions or, do you find ur talked out of them, and disrespected, silenced, or shamed? Have you each maintained ur independence, or do you feel dependant on ur partner that ur not good enough without them? Do you find ur partner is more "my way" controlling and you're more "ok I'll agree even tho inwardly I don't" adaptive? Who do you feel works harder at the relationship to grow, support, encourage, solve conflict? Can you each agree to disagree? Are you mutually solving the conflicts or are the conflicts never solved and redundant fights? Do you feel worthless and unlovable or is ur partner partisan to making you feel worthless irrelevant or unlovable? Are you using manipulation to get ur partner to see ur needs, feelings, and hope they'll respect n love you deeper? How do you address problems needs upset disappointment ect w ur partner? How do they approach you w the same? Whats ur idea/method of solving conflicts consist of? Is "Im sorry" used by both parties easily in or after dynamic vocabulary exchange and ....does the behavior change afterwards? What's your biggest fear if you stayed? What's ur biggest fear if you left? Are you trying to fix your partner in hopes they'll change? Is ur partner trying to fix you in hopes ull change? Do you have more happy days? Or are you crying more? Do you walk on eggshells most times until u get those moments of romantic bliss dopamine hits? Are the romantic dopamine or nice moments hits lesser and lesser, in shorter duration and in less occurence?

Yes - know your love style and language, and attachment style.

Always amazing advice! ❤️❤️ Smiles from The English Sisters

Very interesting thank you! I believe that relashionships are here to make us evolve and grow, they highlight the parts of us needing to be healed (it started at childhood), then you can decide to do that in full awareness with your partner. If you never heal yourself you can change of partners it will always arrive at the same point. We often are attracted because we are opposite polarities, once you healed and grow you decide to stay because there is enough love and common interest or change of partner. I am working with my clients in order to be the best version of themselves and loving themselves enough not expecting to be completed by their partner, taking their responsibility and power.

As someone who has had ambivalence in relation to parents, friends, partners and even jobs, this resonates. Listening to that inside voice has been vital for my decisions on these matters.

@ClaudiaGonzalez-nz3rz

2 жыл бұрын

La mery

@TheEnglishSisters

2 жыл бұрын

Yes ❤️

Ambivalence has been tormenting me and my marriage for years. I only recently learned to accept it and it made life and relationship so much easier and more pleasant.

Damn she is so good at this!

"I only am as good as my last performance"... wow... Just one quote out of this video, I could find minimum 10 quotes that are so good and stay in mind... So rich.

This was great!

She's gold

The cycle is hard. I want so much to stay but he can't stop cheating and lying. I know I have to walk away but I'm not sure I can deal with the loss of the other good from the relationship. The pain of the lies and cheating is also really deep. And it doesn't stop

Having been through infidelity, it is so difficult not to listen to intuition as she asked for divorce while we were going to therapy. It's a matter of reinterpreting who I am overall as a man, as a human, as a father of a little girl, as a lover... it's devastating at best and takes a toll on both mental and physical health.

@berylgracebascon2336

Жыл бұрын

I feel the same :(

After 46 years of marriage, 4 children and 9 Grandchildren, i don't think i can take it any longer. Years of up and down, being pushed away sexualy and emotionally. Physically and emotionally abusive in the past. I'm so afraid to leave everything I've known for so long.

Hi, Egypt is here too

Thank You 😊❤️

she cheated on me more than once, but I could never decide to leave. I was stuck until she decided to leave, and accused me with all the things that she did herself

One hundred percent spot on❤️⚖️😎

I often wonder about how final and risky these decisions feel because our society is so individualistic now (in some places). So it feels like letting someone go is so final, we may never see them again, they'll go off and do a new life etc. and won't necessarily stick around in the community. I've always noticed what a struggle it is for people to adapt to a new type of relationship, and how often they just completely separate for good to avoid this tension growing pains of finding new patterns. I am romantically involved with someone I live with (among other housemates), and have found that after much up and down, indecision and drawing and erasing lines, there appears to be a path 'of least resistance', which perhaps sounds weak and passive, but I feel it's so exhausting to resist something out of fear of it being wrong, that it feels much more refreshing to just 'go with the flow' and accept the risk that entails. As a woman, I also find it interesting the role that my hormone cycle plays in how much I want intimacy vs. not, and really helpful to communicate this to partners.

@annawood4787

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this comment. I feel this 100%. The cycles thing absolutely and that also plays with ambivalence for me too. X

@CatWoman6

Жыл бұрын

Well explained

Things are bad and I know what I have to do, and I know what the consequences would be but I’m afraid of the consequences

Do I choose/make decisions based on 1: how much I love you or 2:how you make me feel?

Thank you.

This concept of relationship ambivalence has cleared so much of the confounding I was living with ☀️

@anac7841

Жыл бұрын

same with me, i have a better understanding now, it is called ambivalence relationship, leave when we argue, I can't take it anymore then I give one more chance, but things never get better.

i have been in a relationship where i counld't speak with boys and then with my friends and then i coulnd't be speaking with my family so i broke up