I have no time for this in a relationship. If we can’t talk, he’s not for me.

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

🙂

@katrinakollmann5265

3 жыл бұрын

And that's okay. :)

@michelekurlan6489

3 жыл бұрын

This goes for friendship too and at least in my world.

@obataiyeadeyemi7086

2 жыл бұрын

Some women love to put you on the witness stand; I wish they kept that same energy with teachers, counselors, principles and their children. Often times these individuals aren't challenged at all but the man in many cases feel interrogated on a witness stand. Maybe some women ought to go to law school!

@wendybarker5118

2 жыл бұрын

Bravo for being secure enough to walk away.

Love this answer. I was in a relationship with this type of person and whenever he'd get mad, he'd ignore me. He'd ignore me for days and at first, I'd be frantic and try to talk because anything was better than the silent treatment. Towards the end of the relationship, I stopped being reactive when he'd give me the silent treatment. It was a complete turnaround and he'd come back around much sooner than before. By that time, I'd nearly checked out bc I just couldn't take that anymore. When he'd come around after the silent treatment, he'd behave as if nothing ever even happened, he wouldn't even address his behavior. No apology, no explanation, nothing. He'd jsut resume like normal. This is no way to live, and so I left.

@haihai5293

2 жыл бұрын

Did you come back to him?

@curlymixednezz

2 жыл бұрын

@@haihai5293 No. I ended up leaving the relationship because I couldn't deal with the silent treatment anymore, on top of other things.

@haihai5293

2 жыл бұрын

@@curlymixednezz Thank You for the honest answer. Yes the silence is the worse.

@curlymixednezz

2 жыл бұрын

@@haihai5293 you're welcome... yes it is... it's absolutely terrible

@teebaby7387

2 жыл бұрын

@@curlymixednezz good for you to recognize it and leave 👏🏽 👍🏽

I have told my husband that his headstone is going to read: “Here lies but he doesn’t want to talk about that right now.”

@amandasmith5509

Ай бұрын

😂

for everyone saying they are the ones who shut down; intention also matters. if you’re doing it because you don’t want to be rude asf to them, that’s great, that’s good (you should still communicate that) but if you’re doing it to make them upset because you know they don’t like it when you don’t speak, that’s abuse and that’s not okay.

@AuroraNCSinger

Жыл бұрын

Exactly. I have a roommate/friend like this, and it's so incredibly frustrating when she shuts down because I have no idea what she wants. If you want space and time to process, I'd rather get a little text than nothing

@omphiledirero5622

9 ай бұрын

Rather let me know that you don't want to talk..to me, and you need space 😢

Thank you for the video. I realize I do this to my girlfriend when I don't like something she does. I know that communication is very important in a relationship. I will stop doing it.

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

Good for you John. I’m glad to hear this. Insight is the beginning of change.

@Fuse_146

3 жыл бұрын

None of us are perfect. Being open enough to realize when we've adopted dysfunctional coping mechanisms or communication habits takes courage and honesty. A lot of times we realize or learn to late to save a relationship - but these are important lessons to learn for ourselves. The loss of someone we care about hurts deeply, but personal growth and discovering self-love is liberating. Finding the skill and awareness to avoid unnecessary pain/conflict in future relationships is a healthy place to be.

@jink1231

2 жыл бұрын

@@DrTraceyMarks I kind of disagree. Are you suggesting that this person change his nature (temporarily) only to find out later that it is his natural state to be succinct?

@Aklifedesign

2 жыл бұрын

amazing self - awareness!!!!

@giulianacr2638

2 жыл бұрын

I once attended a local mental health talk and one of the first concepts taught was self accountability. It's truly remarkable when we accept we are wrong and move towards change. I am still struggling with changing my negative emotions and depression from PTSD

Silent treatment doesn't work for me. If you stay silent too long. I stop caring about you....and sometimes you never get what you had back. Learn how to process your anger before it's too late

@Ddeath.Eaterr

5 ай бұрын

💯💯

@user-qs2vt4ty1z

24 күн бұрын

Amen @ you can't get what you had back!

Well...this is my wake up call. I am the toxic one & I’m gonna work on it HARD. I just realized how I do this to my parents and I now horrible about it. But it’s never too late to change and I’m thankful for you for putting out this invaluable info up for free!!

@MuddasLove23

2 жыл бұрын

were you able to work on it... im working on this around the border with people.

@lavllyy_1443

2 жыл бұрын

How beautiful is this 🥺✨ I wish people realise how hard it can be for the people that receive it and work on making it better .. But surely never too late as long as u realise it . I hope u worked on it ^^

@SS-in1ts

Жыл бұрын

I don’t do this with my partner but I do this with my parents because they won’t address anything when I try to talk about it and act like nothing happened or tell me I’m not perfect either and then act like I’m the toxic one. So I just go silent and keep my distance now since it’s clear they don’t want to change.

@austinmunday8190

Жыл бұрын

I've been there too when I ignored my mom

Its their way to shut you down. Abuse.

I was married to someone like this years ago. It was a nightmare. Thanks for reminding me how awful it was.

@curlymixednezz

2 жыл бұрын

yes, it's a terrible way to live

@curlymixednezz

Жыл бұрын

@Arwen 🌿🦋 I think that means they need to work on their communication skills... they could have a fear of conflict due to past relationships or maybe even childhood and instinctively react in that same way... I think it's possible to learn to respond in a different way, it will just take time and effort

@allthingsjana7870

Жыл бұрын

Yes, it's why I packed my bags and left. They never wanted to resolve any issues

@janetaguilar3048

Жыл бұрын

@@allthingsjana7870 how long did you stay?

@janetaguilar3048

Жыл бұрын

How long did you stay?

Exit silently. The best for one’s soul.

Yeah.. there's no mention here how damaging the silent treatment can be for the person on the receiving end. I love your straightforward, informative videos. They are excellent. This one really needs the addition, though. If someone is playing the silent treatment game, it's time to protect your mind and walk away.

@ImmigrationBook

3 жыл бұрын

Its not so easy to walk if married and have kids 😑😑

My bf does it to control. I put my boundaries in place this morning and it feels amazing. I can do bad all by myself

The last silent treatment lasted 13 days. I walked away. And now he’s texting like everything is normal. Blocked him, done. I traumatized myself staying so long. Beating a dead horse, he’s not going to stop.

I'm dealing with this kind of man, he will give me 2 weeks silent treatment after we argue, and his family are the same too... It's the way how they brought up...

@sunnybright8206

2 жыл бұрын

You need to gtf away

I need time to process my emotions, and there are times I'm not ready to talk. I have also shut down when I felt that what I have to say will get me no where, because the other person is so desperate to be right that they don't care to hear what I have to say.

@DezRaii17

3 жыл бұрын

This is what I thought she was going to talk about, but she went in a different direction.

@Fuse_146

3 жыл бұрын

It's normal to need time to process emotions and to communicate that need. It is abusive to intentionally cause mental tension or emotional distress, for any reason. The difference being an intention to punish; passive aggressively sending a message; to manipulate; or find fresh targets during the break.

@Lemons19902010

2 жыл бұрын

Yes this is me too!

@triciadiamond3830

2 жыл бұрын

Me too and he tends to talk over me. 🙄

@missbubblemaker26

2 жыл бұрын

@@Fuse_146 Oh thanks for this clarity. I too need time to process my emotions and withdraw, it is not my intention to hurt anyone in the process. I thought I was being abusive by going silent but it is something i really need to do to process things. You are right, it is all about intention.

My boyfriend is both a poor communicator and a silent treatment abuser

@skibidiboobop

3 жыл бұрын

Break up with him & take care of yourself

@thebemphahlele4773

3 жыл бұрын

Same

@ImmigrationBook

3 жыл бұрын

@@skibidiboobop good idea

@jackjack4412

2 жыл бұрын

Get creative with ways to suggest he work on his feelings/thoughts.

@splash_067

2 жыл бұрын

@@skibidiboobop you dont know him dude, he could be a good guy but I guess you like dropping people like trash for someone easier.

A female friend of mine is doing this to me now, and it's affecting my work and my sleep cause it's like a crushing anxiety and fear.

@simplyme8593

3 жыл бұрын

My husband does this to me and it affects my work and sleep, too. I'm trying to get advice and strength by watching these videos in order to centre myself and not give him the power he's trying to get by punishing me with this silent treatment. He projected on me that I'm controlling while he's exactly the one who does all for control. I'm tired..

He doesn’t talk, he’s not transparent, he doesn’t listen, he gaslights…etc. So he gets Blocked 💯💯💯

Even without any argument I'm being ignored after a period of daily contact. My heart hurts like hell and I just told him it's hurting and told him bye now I'm scared he's gone but it's unbearable I had to get it off my chest.

I think this is interesting. Thanks for the input. I am a “silent treatment” person but I’m a little different. For me, I HATE anger. So if I feel angry, I don’t want to react then deal with consequences later. So I get quiet so I can mull it over and decide if I have the right. I am also thinking of how I can word things properly. I will later either apologize and explain. If I feel justified in my anger then I start questioning if I want to continue the relationship, depending on what occurred. This may not be healthy, but it is just where I am right now and what makes sense to me based on the things I experienced as a child. Again, thanks for sharing how others can see silent treatment.

@madhusmita9868

4 жыл бұрын

I am exactly where you are! cheers to growing up further emotionally! 🤗

@user-bg7dw4sg5v

4 жыл бұрын

Me too!

@armentablessed7381

4 жыл бұрын

I’m no doctor, but if I paid attention to the video right, that sounds like you are just not a good communicator. Like you need time to process and think which isn’t bad. A silent treatment type of person will become silent not because their thinking what to say but they are doing it to PUNISH the other person. You don’t become silent to punish you literally don’t have the words & need time to think. Which means you not really a good communicator.

@Soaring_Seajay

4 жыл бұрын

Kalimata101 Interesting, I don’t think it applies to me, but I appreciate the input. I like chit chat, and I’ve been told I’m a great communicator. Just when I’m angry I don’t like it so I get quiet to mull it over before I speak. That way I don’t lose control and say things I’ll regret later.

@wareforcoin5780

4 жыл бұрын

@@victoriadorgu3207 Stop spamming this.

I personally resort to silent treatment only when I am extremely hurt and angry, and communication has failed. Especially in situations where I am being vulnerable and raw and honest, and the other person keeps attacking after I have already opened up and trying to resolve whatever the situation was. I'm not thinking of it as punishment for the other person because in the process I am actively suffering as well. Being silent doesn't give me any feeling of satisfaction whatsoever, it's painful to me, and getting angry for not getting a chance to explain things in a conflict situation adds to it. But if that situation occurs, I will remove myself from the situation. I will go into a different room and sleep it off, unless I am completely seething inside. When I am ready I will come out, and then we can talk about what happened, as long as it's constructive and both sides are being heard. I am not a poor communicator or a narcissist. Sometimes there are just more reasons to going silent than that. I wish things could be as simple as some seem to think they are. Full blown narcissism (be it malignant or covert) and having a narcissistic trait due to whatever a person has been through in life (which pretty much everyone has) are two very different things. VERY different things. I happen to know because I foolishly fell for a narcissist, which led to full-blown depression, all my childhood trauma resurfaced as a result, and my entire life and identity was completely shattered. I am still picking up the pieces and there are still days when I think I'm not gonna make it. Sometimes going silent is nothing but a way to draw the line when the communication is obviously not working in the moment.

@mitalimeet9885

2 жыл бұрын

Exactly... Generalising things won't work .. completely disagree dat only narcs use silent treatment... if u r using silent treatment as a weapon to get upper hand then this is wrong... But feeling speechless n overwhelmed n too angry automatically make me silent as well... But that is the result after clearcut explanations ignored totally...

@SS-in1ts

Жыл бұрын

You can still say I’m taking space. Or “internalizing”. There’s no reason for silent treatment. Taking space is ok, respect and love your partner enough to tell them what’s going on. “I feel attacked and I’m trying to communicate, it’s not working so I need to take care of myself right now”

@odar9729

Жыл бұрын

My partner does this and sleeps in the middle of an argument and doesn’t take their responsibility. I want the whole thing to end and so I apologize for my bad tone with good words but bc my tone is threatening but I’m just frustrated and my sorry doesn’t do anything bc they still need to process their emotions. But instead of saying their sorry they need aren’t ready they hid behind headphone even their phone when I’m faced in front of them trying to resolve. It’s blunt and I’m tired of them not seeing how the hurt me! I’m sorry I taught myself to process faster, bc life is too short why can’t they?! Inaction is action. A whole day in silent treatment to process emotions she’s 34 process faster! If I can have pet pevs and be mad and still love and hurt but still make effort of actions to carryon in loving manner than it’s just them distracting themselves and not working on processing their emotions. It should be less than 20 mins everyone take note

@odar9729

Жыл бұрын

@@SS-in1ts that would be assurance. A bad communicator doesn’t let their partner know they just give silence or put their phone to their face . An inaction is action. I respect someone saying they need space or 20 minutes but if they walk around and give no time limit them they essential is torturing the person for how ever long they wish until they process their feelings which should take no adult longer than 20 mins in alone space. If they take long it’s bc they distracted themselves

Silent treatment is abuse.

@trafficjon400

4 жыл бұрын

avoiding is abuse if allowed .

@vishva8kumara

4 жыл бұрын

Silent treatment is shouting out loud "I don't wan't this p***s*** anymore"

@lovekindness5637

4 жыл бұрын

Vishva Kumara but, why they can’t fu**kin move out

@Kristain473

4 жыл бұрын

Vishva Kumara no silent treatment is an abuse tactic to undermine the victim. A real man would move on and say hey We aren’t working and we need to find a solution to get out of a relationship. On the flip side women have to decide what they are worth and willing to put up with.

@johnkovary5121

4 жыл бұрын

Kristan LeAnne I would love to see if you can get an TEMPORARY ORDER OF PROTECTION with that allegation. Your Honor I want an order of protection because he’s giving me the silent treatment❗️ it might be helpful to look up abuse in family law for legal assistants. 😏 it could be a career Avenue.

In my opinion those people who give a silent treatment are like a sadists who want you punish and give you a emotional pain until they achieve their goal which will be enough satisfied them ,then they will continue talking.This is most popular tactic toxic partners which are in relatiinship otherwise they wouldn't do it.If I was a victim after one time of doing this chidish behaviour I would open the door to them and say goodbye.

This is why I steer clear of romantic relationships, who the hell needs these types of hasssles🤔

@vishva8kumara

4 жыл бұрын

Maybe I should have been too..

@lunallena1588

4 жыл бұрын

I agree, think I'll get a big German Shepherd Luna

@armentablessed7381

4 жыл бұрын

But we all crave relationships as she said & romantic relationships are not the only type of relationships

@jm543

2 жыл бұрын

@@armentablessed7381 well romantic relationships suck if you have insecure attachment style because you attract other people who are also insecurely attached. Those relationships are painful, frustrating and not healthy at all and damage you in the long run. So as long as you are insecurely attached your relationship will only draw out the worst in you.

@jm543

2 жыл бұрын

@Zane Cactarfolg I read books. Have you?

Leave him.

@Amanda-si1qz

3 жыл бұрын

It’s much easier to leave if your younger, have a good profession, and are financially independent but believe me, if your disabled or have a long term serious chronic illness and are entirely reliant on him financially, then your trapped in these never ending cycles. Harder to say ‘Just leave’ then.

For those that are confused and still believe you are giving silent treatments to loved ones: People who give the silent treatment gaslight others into believing that nothing is wrong. People who withdraw acknowledge that there is a problem to be discussed, they just aren't ready to talk about it yet.

@kai_fatallysapphic

2 жыл бұрын

I often withdraw because I don't want to spread my pain to others, I always get hurt by the smallest most insignificant things and I don't want to make others feel shame for saying or doing something perfectly normal and acceptable. The thought that someone would just throw me away because of how difficult it can be for me to communicate was crushing, so thanks for your comment

@aksprkl6594

Жыл бұрын

@@dd4run Nope just boundaries. People don't owe you closure on YOUR time. They will talk when they are ready to talk.

@aksprkl6594

Жыл бұрын

@@dd4run Look at you, trying to argue on a video about arguments. I am disengaging. And, no, we will NOT be discussing it later.

@aksprkl6594

Жыл бұрын

@@dd4run Ever have people in your life walk away from you? Has it ever occurred to you that you're argumentative personality is exhausting to be around and most people will just choose the company of less stressful individuals? Something to think about this holiday season. Also: It's not the "silent treatment" when you're a stranger on the internet. No one here owes you a conversation. I don't know you. YOU commented to ME. I replied more times than I was required to. Again, your entitlement is outrageous.

@dd4run

Жыл бұрын

@@aksprkl6594 Well this is nuttier than a fruitcake. I asked you nicely to PLEASE maintain your “disengagement”, you just could not resist. Speaks volumes. Asking if you’re giving me the silent treatment was A JOKE hence the smiley. That you’re unable to grasp that concept, well, SMH. Going forward, deleting this conversation & you’ll be blocked from my notifications. I will re-comment on your original comment bec as I said its for those who’ve had to endure the abuse of controlling manipulation in the form of the silent treatment to have correct information.

People are so quick on these comments to advise to “just leave”. Just leaving isn’t “Relating” and we are in relationships to learn about ourselves and others. You can’t improve if you’re always leaving when you don’t get your needs met. Sometimes staying and learning together takes time and practice. Don’t be so quick to blame and try more to understand

@rutendokimmk7263

3 жыл бұрын

I agree with this so much. There are many different types of relationships and they don't always follow the same path. Plus if we had to leave every time things need some work one would just be having multiple partners. I see beauty in something built over time through working and growing together

@sumayamohamedali4934

4 ай бұрын

Agree as well, there's a way to make your partner see the effect of what he is doing, you can work on your reaction he can work on his actions if you are adults. Alot of times they don't realize the devastating effect.

Thank you for this video. I am a girl and I do this to the people in my life, especially my boyfriend who is an excellent communicator. He is the one who made me realise I am doing this. I am not trying to be emotionally abusive to anyone, it just gives me lot of anxiety to share my true thoughts. I grew up in a physically, verbally, emotionally abusive environment where my opinions and thoughts was shut down immediately as a child so I don't find it safe to communicate with anyone openly. I am working on it now, telling myself it is safe now to share my thoughts and communicate.

I love listening to you. The way you articulate things is very easy for me to understand. I wish I could find a therapist/psychiatrist that is half as insightful as you are. Many thanks.

@Cshaw_13

2 жыл бұрын

me too!

@AJ-km1hp

2 жыл бұрын

100%

Fellas it’s okay to be vulnerable and speak to your lady. King David was the most mightiest, masculine, noblest man of all time. He knew how to repent to the Lord and the people around him. Pride kills relationships.

I recently got out of a four year relationship. We are both now 51 years old. The communication was horrible, from day one. He drove me insane. But my self love and self esteem wasn't in a good place to move on sooner. It was emotionally draining because I just didn't understand how a grown man was not able to express himself. I never knew his true feelings, not by his actions or words. Enough is enough

@BoundariesNOW

2 жыл бұрын

Good for you for getting to the point of enough is enough. It is like a roller coaster of emotions even after leaving them but they are NOT worth our time. They are time wasters and soulless. Wishing you a peaceful, easy transition into a BEAUTIFUL Life with someone else in time who doesn't such play childish petty games. They are like over grown toddlers always needing to be coddled and never grown up...not in their 30's, 40's, 50's, or 60's.

Mental and emotional manipulation is terrible. It always makes me feel that I’m not good enough, In actuality they aren’t .

Subjecting anyone to silent treatment, stonewalling and refusing to communicate is immature. It’s a form of control. If this was evident early on in any of my relationships I would run for hills and never look back! It’s cruel, soul destroying and mentally harmful to the person who had to endure it.

@peaceofmindofpeace1650

3 ай бұрын

I think I'm dealing with this treatment and today i cried upset intense heart ache agony. I'm now calm but it's so confusing. His last text was 3 days ago "i understand you, i have to manage a woman in my life again together with my business. Let's call more often! He also wrote " any man who Let's you go is crazy and I'm not crazy". Then 3 days silence. He started very warm and affectionate in the beginning of talking. I was careful but i still got attached in my heart biti also felt an unpredictable vibe. Tomorrow if he is still quiet I hope that i won't feel the pain from today. Horrible. I sent him a message that i felt confused again and that i hope he will let me know if he wants to leave it at that I'm being mature open and vulnerable yes but if he is integer he won't abuse it abd if he does it's not my lack of dignity but his selfish ways It's torture but someone asked me if i neec much validation but im generally relaxed secure. I think i react to contrast of pretty words but no follow up. False promises etc. I'm starting to feel angry again how ppl play or are indifferent about how their silences van hurt others. Lack of communication and reprociation is a basic need. Everyone is different and sure he is very busy he but he doesn't communicate clear about when we finally can meet up. I want to delete his nr I'm feeling angry again but i can't yet. I will not reach out anymore from now on and accept it's not real after all. Dmn i told him about my past hurt. I healed and wss careful but here I am. There are many ppl like this on dating app.

That's a great video, Dr Tracey. That kind of toxic and frankly nasty behaviour sounds like a great recipe for a short and soon-to-end relationship ☹. If anyone loves you then why on earth would they want to treat you that way? If you're being treated badly, if your partner is toying with your feelings or playing games with your self-worth my advice would be to GET OUT AND GET OUT QUICK! Don't let anyone chip away at your self-esteem in that way. You're worth so much more than this. And as for the old line that "I love you, but I just don't like you right now" ―― that's all too often just an excuse for bad behaviour. If your partner is treating you bad on a regular basis then GET AWAY FROM THEM! Life is too short!

@private6988

Жыл бұрын

My boyfriend just told me that, a couple weeks ago, "I love you but right now I hate you"... I still can't figure out if he's giving me the silent treatment or because he's too overwhelmed by anger that he doesn't want to talk to me. It happens usually with a small thing I said, or when I open up about my feelings, somehow he takes it badly. He would sometimes just snap at me because I would talk too loud (which happens rarely though) or start a debate with friends he doesn't feel appropriate. One problem is that in 95% of all the above cases, we had been drinking a few glasses and I think the alcohol has also its part to play. Still, I'm wondering about that behaviour, or is it me?

Silent treatment is manipulative & deliberate. Not for me.

You forgot the reason that he’s a narcissist and doesn’t want the relationship

@ImmigrationBook

3 жыл бұрын

Yup

@Edemayy

2 жыл бұрын

please stop this trend of labelling anyone with toxic traits as narcissists, you just make yourself look uneducated and like a victim

@ImmigrationBook

2 жыл бұрын

@@Edemayy It's not about labelling if a toxic person is seen with narccistic traits then that is what he/she will be referred to as. Someone who has never experienced such environment and people's behaviour wouldn't really know! Its easy to label one as being judgemental if you've never been in their shoes.

@EveryLittleBitCounts

2 жыл бұрын

@@Edemayy why are you getting defensive of narcissists lol

@Edemayy

2 жыл бұрын

@@EveryLittleBitCounts I'm not retard, I'm getting annoyed at everyone thinking they've been personally victimised by a narcissist lol

Oh man... that was eye opening. My husband is the poor communicator, and occasionally it would frustrate me so much that we would get in a fight and I would give him the silent treatment. I don’t think that I consciously meant to punish him per se, but there was definitely a feeling of getting even. Like, "well fine. He's not gonna talk to me. Then I'm not gonna talk to him either." It's taken a lot of work for both of us to grow as healthier communicators, and definitely recognizing that my behavior is not healthy and trying to meet him halfway with open-ended questions has helped tremendously.

okay but,, my mom acts like this all the time. every time she gets angry (sometimes very randomly, i never know what to expect from her - her mood is unpredictable) she gives me the silent treatment. i hate it.

I'm in this situation right now,very hurtful but this video really helped me put it into perspective. Don't think this relationship will make it passed Christmas...

Thanks! This is the best explanation and breakdown of silent treatment I've watched. You gave the side of both ends.

@DrTraceyMarks

5 ай бұрын

OMG thank you SO much Mark! Let me pick my jaw up off the ground. Thanks a ton for your generosity. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you. I'm sorry I missed seeing this until now. ❤️😊

I ignore them back until I find their replacement. I don’t have the time for the foolishness.

8:29 This brings back some bad memory of mine, I had been living in an isolated state in marriage for more than a year, feeling lonely, abandoned, anxious and depressed, later on ends in insomnia and vertigo and panic attack those sympton all came to me at least once. Yet he doesn't admit that was a problem, and said "what did I do? I was just not talking to you, meaning he did nothing wrong, nothing wrong with him and our relationship. Still tears in my heart when I think of the past years that I had suffered. Eventhough he's much normal now, but my health never goes back to normal, I mean metally, anxiety and sleep problem, it's a life trauma for me, the toxicity stays, I don't know when I can fully recover.

This opened my eyes - I admittedly am the toxic one, I shut down all the time. My parents did it a lot so it became my norm. It's hard to open up but I realize I'm the only one in my way. Thanks for the video, Tracey

when I ask an open ended question, he says I don't know. this expands into other areas, finding solutions to our problems does not happen. it's all on my lap. Luna

@vden02

2 жыл бұрын

From what you say it sounds like he isn't committed to the health of the relationship, doesn't show respect for it or you.

@nla5307

2 жыл бұрын

That bugs me, when someone says says they dont know. I would understand if you need a bit of time to think about it but "I dont know" is what a child would say lol.

@lunallena1588

2 жыл бұрын

@@nla5307 Yes, a child, some individuals are immature emotionally, and in these instances they really do not know that they should not be in a relationship until they do their own work. Thanks NL A. Luna

It's good that someone with an actual knowledge and education talks about it. I kinda feel like there's too many "experts" on YT who's the only source is their own thoughts.

Thank you so much, you're the best mental health channel on KZread!! You give really clear explanations and provide examples and practical things to do to help the situations and problems. And you do it in less than 15 minutes. ✨✨✨

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks a lot Katarina! I really appreciate that. 🤗

This is such a helpful video, especially passive aggressive part. Def seek for self-improvement. It’s hard to notice these traits are actually myself. Appreciate your videos!

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks a lot Grizz 😊

I'm glad I'm single so I don't have to put up with other peoples BS :)

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

😃 Yes for some people that’s a better thing.

@michellebarnett5154

4 жыл бұрын

@@princhipessa1969 sooo beyond old and physiological , physical, emotional, mental , every way EXHAUSTING!!!😒😣😢

@sssttt2211

3 жыл бұрын

Ideally marriage is man made concept. Nature doesn't say you need to marry to live your life.

@Anonymouss222

2 жыл бұрын

same here

Dr Tracey, you are spot on, you've become important in helping me navigate through certain issues of my own glad I found your channel. Cheers from Texas!

Sometime it's a tactics to cause fear and intimidation on the partner especially if they feel they are better than the women they doing this to. A lot of Men uses this to get what they want too. I am a Man and if any Man is like this to you, ladies, run away.

@dj912sent9

3 жыл бұрын

Do you do it as well? I think different people different coping mechanis. It is especially prominent in men who have seen it modeled to them in childhood. I think that perhaps a time out is a good thing. But later the person giving silent treatment needs to initiate repair

@Nise_R

2 жыл бұрын

@Mark Robby - Thank you. Great advice.

@markrobby7136

2 жыл бұрын

@@dj912sent9 ,not all what I mean is that Iknow what Men do being a Man.Myself.I know a bit of Men behaviors.

Thanks. I’m leaving a narc guy I’m seeing who is going the silent treatment a 2nd time in one week. Once he replies to my message it is time to ignore him - FOREVER.

Let's step back and figure out why this person would continue in a very short time relationship with that boyfriend. He isn't a good communicator. You have to ask yourself why you'd want to be with someone like that. The first few months of a new relationship should be the 'honeymoon' phase where everyone is on their best behavior. Also, you are getting to know each other. If this silent/non-communication is irritating now, it will only get worse the longer you stay with this person. Ugh.

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

Those are good points. I didn’t think about the four month thing and how you have time to get to know each other if there’s not much communication. Some people are attracted to people they want to improve.

@KimberlyLetsGo

4 жыл бұрын

@@DrTraceyMarks True. And I say 'Ain't nobody got time for that!' I guess after many relationships that I felt I had to force them to work, I realized that the right person wouldn't need to be fixed or improved.

@kusumlata1390

3 жыл бұрын

True. Happened just as you described, in my case. I saw it there even during the honeymoon phase. Thought he has other qualities, a lot of them, for which I admired and loved him. But, I never thought that no matter how much I tried to make him see it and tell him what it does to me and our relationship, he just didn't evolve, not even a bit. Eight years later, even though I was still madly in love with him, that broken communication engulfed our relationship. I lost weight, developed Depression, I gave my all and even more than that to make him see it. But, it only got worse. My behaviour changed so much unknowingly, that by the end I even end up saying mean things to him and called him a dog. I was never an abusive person. I wasn't myself anymore. I wish I stopped earlier. Two to three years earlier. I am in therapy. I depleted my energies and then one day I wasn't good enough for him.

@KimberlyLetsGo

3 жыл бұрын

@@kusumlata1390 Thanks for sharing. I hope you are in a good spot now. Interesting how long it takes to get away from and recover from that type of situation. Not what we expected.

@kusumlata1390

3 жыл бұрын

@@KimberlyLetsGo I feel there are shortcomings in my own personality that kept me from leaving toxic situation sooner. Perhaps, lack of self love and underestimating my own worth.

This video is exactly what I needed! I'm surrounded by shy people who don't like talking on the phone and are insecure communicators and I feel like we need to build a well of positivity before anything difficult happens but they're giving me nothing to go on and saying they don't like phonecalls. I appreciate the correction of not pressing for specific details from them but suggesting my own that they agree or disagree with to get them to be more communicative. Also I should practice asking more open ended questions like "What are your thoughts on [topic]?" I feel like it's hard to find a good knowledge base of open ended questions to get to know people better and my knowing of people stays too shallow unless they are big talkers, and then they don't know me so well.

Okay so the silent treatment is toxic? I'll work on it..

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

All right then. Best wishes to you. 😊

@OphiuchiChannel

4 жыл бұрын

It is really painful.

@Latte-girly90

4 жыл бұрын

I'm late but this is funny 😂

@CLEFT3000

3 жыл бұрын

Yes. Don’t do it

@kaylabrown1873

3 жыл бұрын

Im like this. It’s horrible. I think it might be detrimental to my marriage. But it’s like I have no idea how to speak my mind. My mom beat the shit out of the kids that spoke up and I’m so afraid of conflict. I really don’t know how to get over it. It’s like I don’t want to upset anything so I don’t speak.

I quit talking when I feel hatred toward me. In that sense I want to act without hypocrisy ending a relationship that I see already dead.

Thank you, I’m so grateful to have found this series.

Goggles algorithm brought me to you and I greatly appreciate it. I am going through your videos and just decided to say thank you kindly for helping me understand so much in a brief span. I appreciate you.

This answers so much about my past relationship issues and also a bit about my defence mechanisms! I Love learning from you🤗 Thank you!

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

So glad Madhu. Thanks for continuing to watch. 👍🏼

I'm so glad I found this. I need this right now, before even watching it.

Thanks for this,this is how it is w/my relationship for years and its weighing on me and makes my depression worse.

Dr. Marks: thanks for your clear analysis. These roles( passive aggressive silent ) are shared by both sexes. One way of dealing is to remain silent too, but to move away from the room or dinner table to avoid further tension and to protect one’s dignity from being silently shamed. There can also be a combination of your two examples wrapped in one. In other words, a person can be unable( expressing emotions) and unwilling ( upset) to break his/her silence at the same time. The shut-down is very complicated. Thanks

Actually for me it was my mom that'd give me the silent treatment whenever she'd get mad at me she'd give me the silent treatment. Wouldn't even look at me. She's 91 and to this day she'd still do it. Made me angry and hurt. Lack of communication has ruined many of my relationships. I think this behaviour really affected me negatively.

Thank you! I'm in a new relationship (3 months) and I'm getting the silent treatment for the first time... At least we are both in therapy for a while, so I m hoping he will learn to deal with things in a different manner.

I am a terrible communicator at times and it's had a very negative impact on my relationships in the past but it's something I'm working on to improve myself. Thanks Tracey Marks!

watching this in a middle of the silent treatment from my husband, crying while watching. I'm actually doing what you recommended in the video, ignoring and trying to maintain my emotional state, but part of me is dying now and I can't help it

@Iheartmehdog

2 ай бұрын

I'm in the middle of this as well from my husband. It is absolute torture. 😢

@natsaliya

2 ай бұрын

@@Iheartmehdog *hug*

I hold space for you in my heart Dr Marks. You have made a beautiful difference in my life. Thank you 🙏🏻

I’m the one who goes silent. It’s not because I’m trying to punish my partner by giving the silent treatment, it’s that I end up with 50 thoughts all at once and can’t sort out what I need to say so I freeze. It’s like there is both too much and nothing at all to say. By the time a minute or two go by in silence as I’m trying to get my thoughts organized and what words to use. To break the awkward silence and feeling of pressure I hurry and just say something along the lines of “yep, I agree with what you said and have nothing to add”

Silent treatment is narcissistic behaviour

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

👍

@theajayieffect

4 жыл бұрын

This.

@simplyme922

4 жыл бұрын

I don't know about that. If you're the communicator and get ongoing nonsense and foolishness for answers to real concerns I think silent treatment leading to full block is preserving one's own sanity.

@AgeofCraccadilliaassent

4 жыл бұрын

not if you got played by a female and embrassed it's ghost town time

@AgeofCraccadilliaassent

4 жыл бұрын

Not if you get played by a female and embarrassed it's ghost town time

I appreciate this because I've been on the "I don't have anything to say" side of the problem. People got onto me a lot growing up for talking too much. They said it was annoying, disrespectful (if in the wrong context), unnecessary, or would argue against even the basic statements I'd make. I have ADHD and can get really excited about niche things so I guess I understand their side of it. I eventually just stopped talking to people around me until I got really familiar with them; I think sometime in high school is when the shift occurred. It made it really hard to meet friends and romantic partners but at least I didn't feel like everyone around me wanted me gone or thought I was a weirdo. Now I'm in a long term relationship (not my first) and my partner has been using strategies like this to get me to open up when I'm being cagey because of stress or something. My thoughts are so all over the place sometimes that my answers aren't always what she expects but she's very patient and understanding. My point here is that you shouldn't assume someone who is closed off and defensive is that way because of malice. Sometimes it's because they were taught to be that way by their peers or family. Feeling like everyone around you is an adversary for your entire adolescence does weird things to your ability to interact with people you care about.

@omphiledirero5622

9 ай бұрын

Atleast you understand where you're problems lie,I used to give the silent treatment aswell, and I had to stop ...when the same thing was done to me.

@peaceofmindofpeace1650

3 ай бұрын

​​@@omphiledirero5622 I'm being patient understanding with a man who is quiet for days in between slow replies but also said things like 'you are already deep in me i wpuld hate to say goodvye already" Then goes quiet for 3 days and it feels vague but when he texts it feels good and genuine. He is setting up businesses which consumed him. I'm learning to see nuances and not see a malicious manipulator in everyone but i take the risk to get hit even harder bc today i cried all day in missing him but if i say it he wont say me too or he thinks of me too. I told him i felt confused but i wished him succes. He reolied: ❤ Then I felt like he brushed me of with an easy heart reply. I texted him i will leave it upto him from here. No reply still so i sttess is he gone. But each time i thought this he cane back. This is not healthy. Part of me feels he is a good actor. I hope im wrong 😢 J now try to protect myself and when he texts i will try to ignore.

Dang I've got some growing to do. I'm not a great communicator and knowing it is hard enough. When socially exposed or singled out is when I go into silent mode. When one express what brought on the silence or anger the other act as if your imagining it. Once one act as if nothing happened to bring on the anger or silence, "that's it", I'm so done, and ready to move on without the "mind game". Thanks for the video it sure helps.

Thank you for this video! My teenage daughter used to give me the ‘silent treatment’ which I find emotionally abusive. I spoke to her about it and now if something upsets her that I’ve done or said she tells me she needs a time out…up to a few hours. After she’s had her time, we talk it out and apologise/make up or agree to disagree amicably. Our relationship is so much better now.

Excellent. My mum gave me the silent treatment growing up and I think that contributed to my BPD

😢 My husband gives me the silent treatment and isolates when I disagree over small things. It’s his way of expressing anger. I also deal with depression. He is bipolar and can’t let go of the little things. His treatment of me feels like rejection and wells up old feelings of abuse from family. Right now, he is furious because I asked someone to fix our clothes dryer instead of buying a new one. He is not wanting to speak to me about it. My biggest fear is being left alone, so his actions are very painful. I cried for hours and hours yesterday. So tired of loved ones treating me like the enemy

I've found writing a letter to him about heavy issues we need to hash out vs talking it out works better for us. This way he had time to read/comprehend what I'm actually saying rather than waiting for his turn to talk or get defensive straight away. We put thought into our words to each other more carefully when hand writing response thus better able to tackle issue at hand rather than interrupting the other to make our point, talking over each other and bringing up things from 6 weeks ago changing topic of original convo and end up having no resolution, just more issues you didn't even know were a problem! Sigh, relationships are hard sometimes! Why do ppl make it seem like you get married and ride off into sunset together happily ever after the end, book closes? That sure is fairy tail...

@peacemaker7757

4 жыл бұрын

Tiffany Roth Hi. I’m so glad this works for you. I wrote letters to my ex because of his angry/defensive reactions to my attempts to talk about hard things. He just ignored my letters. We are now divorced. 🙁

@samanthap5758

4 жыл бұрын

@@peacemaker7757 I wrote too to an ex after this silent treatment of me where I thought I was in a relationship with an adult who loved me. I too was ignored, though I expected him to ignore the letter. A leopard doesn't change his spots, it's passive aggressive control and manipulation and abusive, and it's sadly taken me too many years to realise that.

What about when your spouse refuses to acknowledge any responsibility for the conflict and shame/blames you. Silence and withdrawal can be your only refuge. We can't seem to get past this. I'm always the one who is at fault and ends up apologizing regardless. That merely feeds the resentment and makes the next inevitable session worse. I'm not just ready to call it quits, I'm making plans for separation.

Who cares about him? Find someone who can talk.

I love you! I have a therapist but you just put things in a certain perspective and I thank you for that!

This was the biggest problem in my last relationship. Thank you for these helpful videos/advice.

You are very helpful. I have experienced this in the distant past, and it's always good to know how to handle communication issues. They seem to be at the heart of maintaining good relationships.

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

Yes indeed. Thanks Joe.

My bf does this when he doesn't get his way. He also thinks he has bipolar and claims to not have anything to say when it happens. So it's hard for me to read whether he is punishing me/quietly angry or genuinely depressed...? Drives me nuts and makes me want to leave the relationship. It honestly feels like passive aggression/punishment/manipulation to me. But maybe sometimes it is depression/mood swing. He's in his 30s but behaves like a teenager. It's very frustrating.

It's unfortunate that this is happening at THE BEGINNING of a new relationship. "Don't ignore the signs" is a really good video. Thank you Dr. Tracey

What's intriguing is if you don't respond because you're name isn't filthy language . In arguments people take turns trying to hurt one another and not lashing out is so difficult if you're trying to bring solace and resolve to a issue.better to not poke at a bag full of water with a hole in it , or to try and let fire out with fire . Thank you for this video it really helped me understand how to better deal with the people in my life .

Wow sometimes I don't realize how much your videos apply to my life. The person I'm in a relationship also gives little to no detail in anything. And I would always ask for specific details. But I'll try this method of adding my own details 👍

My mother goes silent when criticised. She's angry, has a mean facial expressions, violent gestures as she's closing/opening doors, drawers etc., but just won't talk. She's 66. When tf is she going to learn? She triggers me so much is insane. I must overcome her triggers and stop giving a s#*t.

Thank you for the information and encouragement. I recieve what you throw down. And everyday I glean a little more knowledge to self-improve. Thanks again!

Thanks for this video. I have gone through silent treatment. All the other videos will state that the other party is the narcissist. In my case, I think he's not a narcissist. Your video explains a lot!

Dr. Marks very much, in my opinion, owned this question SOOO hard. I love it! You are awesome. Killin' it 😎

I want to thank you again for all the good that you do

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

You're welcome Rick. Thanks for watching.

This just made me snap out of the funk I’ve been in for the last two days! I deserve better….

Such a clear and helpful message, thank you! 🙏🏼

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

You're welcome 🙂 and thank you!

I highly need this now. Actually looking for a way to know how I can deal with silent treatment then I saw this video. Thank you Dr. Tracey! You help me a lot. Now I know what I should do.

Thanks this help a lot because with my depression it’s very hard to talk to people 😍

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

You're welcome Linda 🙂

How to deal with it : DON’T.

Well, my sister has been giving me the silent treatment, I'Ve being trying to remain unfazed but it's been two years...

Two days on the receiving end of the silent treatment... Sad and exhausting. This happened after a discussion where he clearly mistreated me...

Perfect timing!

@DrTraceyMarks

4 жыл бұрын

👍🏼😊

Thank you. This pattern you described is far too familiar. I'm finally realizing that both he and I are just not going to get better, in part, because he just doesn't like me.

I used to do some covert passive aggressive stuff, I wasn't even aware of it until I got into self-improvement. It was a big smack in the face for me.

I'm guilty of silent treatment when I hurt or angry because if I say what I'm thinking or cuss..the person will probably never speak to me again

@user-ij8rl4hk6k

3 жыл бұрын

But talk about it after you’ve calmed down

@tminus6895

3 жыл бұрын

That’s what I struggle with. I’ll always just stop talking shut down. ESP when I’m hurt and angry that’s the only time I really do it. My mouth can cut off heads so I always thought my silence would be better. -struggles

Oh, I've been on the receiving end of the silent treatment more then I thought I was. Kind of chronicly.. 🤔 Thank you doc, for your insightfull explaination of the silent treatment and about toxic relationships. I've been watching many video's about NPD, sociopathy and psychopathy for 1,5 year now (with many I mean: A LOT 🙈). You've explained a few things differently, which gave me an insight about my 'situation' that I did'nt had before. Like a piece of a missing link, and that's only because how you said it. What you said I knew, but the way you put things.. it means a lot to me, so thank you! ❤