My husband was so badly enmeshed with his mother his mother got him to tell me he wants a divorce so that’s what we are doing. There is no reconciliation because he is not even aware of his own enmeshment. His mother is a narcissist as well and has him groomed to the max.

@HusbandMaterial

2 жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry to hear that.

@marz6998

2 жыл бұрын

@@HusbandMaterial could you possibly do a video explaining what kind of fathers mother enmeshed men are to their children? Do mother enmeshed men make good fathers?

@HusbandMaterial

2 жыл бұрын

@@marz6998 That sounds like a great question for Dr. Ken Adams! You can contact him at overcomingenmeshment.com

@LeninChampionedUkraine

Жыл бұрын

@@marz6998 wow, what a loss. You’re beautiful. His loss

@DaisyAnnabelle65

8 ай бұрын

That’s horrible! Shame on that Mother. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder! She has caused a marriage to break up.

I didn't realize my husband was married to his mother until we started planning our wedding. I had little say in how our wedding should run because my MIL butted in, and my husband sided with her. I've lost trust in my husband ever since. I had a wedding that was not mine, and my husband remained enmeshed with his mother until this June, when I finally "divorced" my MIL by no longer attending her random, demanding gatherings, and I don't speak to nor text her anymore. She got the message.... And yes, my MIL has narcissistic traits.

@HusbandMaterial

8 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry.

@wilblissful

2 ай бұрын

Im so sorry too. But as a word of caution, mine was no co tact and got roped back in, the whole family flying monkied the crap outra him and hes back in with the crowd and excludes us entirely. Ive just realized that he is a pathological liar, theres no end to the deceit.

I NOW realize why it was so difficult to be married; and I understand why she filed for divorce.

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

So sorry to hear about your divorce

Thank you for pointing out and highlighting the sibling who is the proxy and agent of the mother.

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

You're welcome!

I'm watching this as a woman, and so much applies for me with the relationship with my mother

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

@Feliciations

Жыл бұрын

Same. I had this with my mother, but now too as an adult with my father.

@katiedid9601

Жыл бұрын

Yes!!!!! Me too!!!!

Oh my goodness.. This is an incredibly informative interview. You described to a T my fiancé’s relationship with his mother. I’m 9 days away from my wedding. I’ve knots in my stomach for the past 2 days because of this woman. I will be having a discussion with my fiance in the morning in regards to all of this. I really can’t thank you enough…Thank you so much gentlemen!!! God bless you for this video. 🙏💛

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

You're welcome. Hope the conversation goes well!

@JT-lt5gr

8 ай бұрын

My mother-in-law broke up with her boyfriend 3 days before our wedding. She insisted on a big church wedding. She told me she would let me know whether to cancel the wedding or not. I took off work, bought everything, paid for everything, etc. She did it on purpose. Funny thing, she called her ex-boyfriend a few days later, and he didn't want to get back together. They had been going out 20 years. He must have been wanting to get rid of her the whole time but was afraid of her. He told her he already had a new girlfriend (who was the opposite of her -- cooks, nice personality, helps with the grandkids, etc.). She was PISSED! She went over for Christmas a few years later, invited as a guest of him and his girlfriend. His girlfriend cooked dinner, of course. She was ignored. Nobody paid any attention to her. She was maniacal! I would be embarrassed to invite myself somewhere I wasn't welcome, but she thinks she's God's gift to the world. She manipulates my husband the same way! Don't say he owes it to her cuz she used to take care of him. She didn't. His grandparents raised him. She was busy. I really have no respect for her. I'm afraid that, if I get divorced, she will pay for the best lawyer and win. She does things like this. When her brother died, she flew out there and got a lawyer and tried to take the house. She lost. Then, when his ex-wife died, she did the same thing and expected her to leave it to her. I just can't understand. My family is not like this. We're as dysfunctional as any other family, but we're not crazy. Crazy is normal to her. It's a shame, because my husband is a good person. But he won't stand up to his mom about me. He plays dumb. He "wishes we could get along." That is a choice to not do anything. He's done. I'm done. By the way, she never even gave us a wedding gift. A card. Her only son got married.

@Shopgirl1

4 ай бұрын

@@JT-lt5grI can top you, lol, when I became pregnant after 9 years of marriage..we called my mil to tell her the good news..her response was “you better pray, god can take the baby the same as he gave it” and I miscarried at 2 1/2 months and never got pregnant again..she never even said she was sorry we had lost the baby..my ball less mommys boy never said anything to her about what she said..that was many years ago and now we live next door to her and her son who lives with her and I used to cook dinner for them when I cooked (went on for 2 years) hubby complained about the price of groceries and I need back surgery) so I stopped cooking g for them and hubby go so mad he said if I cooked he wouldn’t eat unless I cooked enough for them..he also told me when mom whos 85yo needs more help he will move her in my home and if I don’t like it I can leave..this woman also told people I miscarried because I was on the pill when I got pregnant..I’d never even been to a gyno till I got pregnant..he constantly defends her and I’m always second he calls her 4x a day, walks up to her house 2x a day and when we go anywhere he calls to tell her where we’re going and when we’ll b back and if we’re not home when she thinks we should b shes calls us to c where we are..hubby doesn’t understand why all this hurts me and and she also told me I was putting my dad in front of my hubby when dad had a stroke and I went to his home to help my mom with him 3x a week but I was always home when hubby came home from work with his dinner fixed…and now hubby puts her in front of me but she’s never c that…after 43 years of this, being worse this last 5 years, I would say run as fast as you can and marry a man whose mother is deceased…it’s a miserable life living with a mommas boy and if I had the money I’d leave even though I love him.

I just found this out 2 years ago, when he tried to divorce me to buy a building from his 81 yr old mom. He recently told me we have to rent from her for life. He’s 55 and has no retirement for us now. She been getting checks from her his whole working life? He chooses her over me and our boys. It never ends. I have to get out.

@DaisyAnnabelle65

8 ай бұрын

Horrible!

@JT-lt5gr

8 ай бұрын

They're con artists.

@wilblissful

2 ай бұрын

Are you any closer? I hope you're doing well.

'Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.' - Matthew 10:37 NWT Autonomy style parenting does not deify themself 😇 There is no Love in Obligation, No Leadership without Love

@HusbandMaterial

2 жыл бұрын

well said!

@Michel777

Жыл бұрын

@PragmaticPoet That's a nice quote. Would our mother/father had that close relationship with Christ, there should be less or no enmeshment possible (I guess...). Is the enmeshment fact, than yes, the way out of that enmeshed triangulation is through the love and merci that God shows. I've learned to go through this immensly difficult process with the Holy Spirit in my heart and made it possible to made my mother loose that grip on me, although she does not know anything about it at all, as she is still in denial. My prayer is that God touches her heart as well so she can start walking her own path of recovery.

@pragmaticpoet

Жыл бұрын

@@Michel777 may many prayers join yours for each of us to understand and value Divine wellness 😇🙏🏼🥰

My boyfriend of 14 years disclosed his porn addiction to me about 6 years ago. I've noticed and been aware more and more over the years how overbearing and controlling his Mom is, of him and us and our plans. I feel disrespected constantly and that she interferes with our relationship, and whatever she says goes, along with her insults of me. I am so sad because I've tried to talk about this to my boyfriend but he gets so defensive. And i cannot live this way anymore. I feel he hasn't married me yet, although I've told him i want to for years, but because he's married to his Mom 😢 and she won't let go. She calls him her Baby and I think he enjoys being her golden boy

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

That is so heartbreaking 😢

@starsalways7922

Жыл бұрын

@@HusbandMaterial Yes I know, even when I read it, I minimize how bad it is. But thank you for having this channel and sharing the knowledge and healing, I believe you are helping so many people, even the ones like me who are on the other side of these dynamics. I wish he was willing to look and learn and heal with me... it's all okay though. Appreciation for what you are doing 💜

@JT-lt5gr

8 ай бұрын

@@starsalways7922 Somewhere, there is a nice guy who will enjoy your company and not take you for granted and treat you like you don't matter. We all deserve better than that. Men don't leave their wives for their girlfriends. If his mom is his wife and you're his girlfriend, he will always pick her over you. My husband is the same. I'm done very soon. I'm almost positive my mother-in-law has life insurance on me. She's very weird about food.

@lenoredavi6137

8 ай бұрын

One day you might decide to find a partner who is "available". I divorced my husband and after many years of therapy, we became friends. We get on much better now that there is no sex, and no unrealistic expectations on either side.

I’m watching this for my husband I was looking at your book. This is scary. I have my 4 month old son sleeping on my lap. I don’t want him to turn out like this.

@ziggypip2938

11 ай бұрын

He doesn’t have to. I was a great 100 percent mom, and my son is totally happy, healthy, and independent. I taught him to put his partner first before me, and that’s the key! ❤🎉

@wilblissful

Ай бұрын

But how do you teach your soms not to treat their wives the way I was treated? They cannot comprehend this concept. They are adults and they do not see anything wrong. They taught my children that I was worthless. And it has sorta stuck. I cannot wait for her to be gone. But evil never dies.

This is a great interview, so much insight and I can relate so much to what has been said. Much respect to you and Dr. Ken Adams.

@JT-lt5gr

8 ай бұрын

Better than anything I have ever watched before.

Therefore a man shall LEAVE his father and his mother and CLEAVE to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. -Gen 2:24. and He (Jesus) said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' - Matt 19:5

@JT-lt5gr

8 ай бұрын

My mother-in-law would condemn the Bible to make that untrue. She would never approve of her son picking me over her. But she pretends she's such a devout Catholic.

Thank you! This has helped me as a woman also. Thank very much

@HusbandMaterial

2 жыл бұрын

You're so welcome!

This is my life 😮😮😮… Thank you!

Dr. Ken Adams is the best!

sigh of relief here too!! thank you both!

@HusbandMaterial

2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome Angelo!

This explains apart of my dad

this was a great podcast, I really appreciate your vulnerability about what it felt like to recognize it in your own life

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

Thank you!

Thank you soooooooo much for this interview! Getting ready to buy my copy now. Just crazy how you just never know as a kid because you don't know that other relationships are not that way. I never thought I'd have to grieve something like this. Edit: I have never known what I've wanted to do with my life and career, but I got into a thing where I would tell everyone that I wanted to do something different every week almost. Still have no idea what I want to do for sure. Therapy is helping an awful lot though.

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

You are very welcome Cody!

@JT-lt5gr

8 ай бұрын

Maybe get a job with a big company. Work different jobs. You can see what you like and what you're good at. That way, you don't have to change jobs. Just talk to coworkers and people in the break room. Change departments/jobs just for the experience. Sooner or later, you'll get closer and closer to what you want and what you're good at.

12:44 There is indeed a sense of obligation to the mother out of duty, however if obligation is out of guilt it can indeed be harmful. And further, enmeshment is simply a transgression on the laws of One God. "Do not marry former wives of your fathers-except what was done previously [in the time of ignorance]. It was indeed a shameful, despicable, and evil practice." (Quran, 4.22)

@pragmaticpoet

2 жыл бұрын

' Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.' Matthew 10:37 NWT

Love the part about forgiveness is the end point. Feeling the anger and grief CAN’T be bypassed. How do we grieve? Just sit & feeling the loss? Any suggestions?

@HusbandMaterial

2 жыл бұрын

Yes - each of us needs to find ways to process the grief - journaling, writing poetry, creating visual art, receiving counseling, and attending grief groups can be helpful

@peiandaustin

2 жыл бұрын

@@HusbandMaterial thank you!

@Michel777

Жыл бұрын

Pei Wang What has helped me to experience the grief is first to become conscious about what we have missed. And how the treatment of our father or mother has hurt us, has stolen time from us. I've learned to first lay down all my coping mechanisms, ways to cover the inner pain and anger that enmeshment brings. Reading books also has helped me enormously as that gives us words sometimes to our unspoken inner issues. And, of course, professional help can be of great value in this process. Sitting next to somebody who is listening to you, asking you the right questions, a place where you feel so safe, that your pain and fear and anger can come to the surface.

My husband was so enmeshed with his mother that there are times he asked me to no longer use bikini style panties & asked me to use the high waisted ones like the ones his mother used, I was blown away when he said that & I of course never changed my panties & it’s so gross & creepy incestual overtones that I since that day have zero attraction to my husband. I no longer have desires for him he totally & permanently put an image in my mind that I can’t recover from. Has anyone else ever been told by their husbands similar stuff? Am I the only one?

@wilblissful

2 ай бұрын

Ive never been told anuthing like it but i know there were many problems in the bedroom and a mommy massage porn problem. I definately understood after that revelation. He was using my body to masturbate to mommy.. gross. I never got over it either. I hear you, I see you, I feel for you.

@wilblissful

Ай бұрын

Go to therapy. Im so sorry. I dont think it can be overcome.

I would like for you to make more videos about women and enmeshment. These are all about men which is not what I need but it is interesting.

My partner got epic violent when we moved to his home. More and more married to mom. It was awful Mother in Law started openly trying to be a better cook and wearing makeup. Creepy!! I left. The Bible also talks about leaving his mother and cleaving to his wife. This is ancient widsom.

Wow this is so interesting

@HusbandMaterial

2 жыл бұрын

What in particular?

@nicolarakic1575

2 жыл бұрын

​@@HusbandMaterial Just how we grow up/family effects so much of how we view things. It's good to have these convos and be able to help explain and identify why people are the way they are.

Ohmygosh! This is sounds like my family

this is my husband but anytime i try to get him to decide on a movie or dinner he is persistant that its whatever i want, he never has an opinion or tells me his needs and when i try to get it out of him he stands his ground that everything is fine and he wants whatever i want, and it can be very boring, what do u do with someone who continues to deny they have a problematic relationship with their mother?

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

Hi Lexi. Unfortunately you can't teach him what he doesn't want to learn. But if he would be open to watching a video, you can share this one and see if it resonates with him

I have experienced this with my boyfriend’s older sister

@makedreamstangible2263

5 ай бұрын

Omg yes what is that ?!

@mahoganyshanae6116

3 ай бұрын

​@@makedreamstangible2263They don't want their brother's to be happy because they or use to the brother doin everything in the family. I think I'm goin through this

Forgiving doesn't equal forgetting. Forgiving doesn't equal zero consequences. Jesus forgave the theif on the cross, but He didn't take him down. Moses was not allowed to enter the promised land because of his disobedience. The prodigal son was forgiven and accepted back by the Father- but he still wasted and squandered his inheritance on partying and women. The son who stayed with the Father was the one who still had his inheritance. Forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences. ,

@cillakiarie8380

11 ай бұрын

Forgiving people doesn’t change their toxic behavior. Forgiving people doesn’t make them not to do things again and again. What about that?

@flemutter7211

7 ай бұрын

Also forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. This is the biggest key!

Catholic church is religion based on mother son enmeshment. Read "Treatise on perfect devotion to blessed Virgin Mary". I couldn't imagine better depiction of enmeshment.

My mother in law not only chose the golden son over her husband but then let the dad know that his grandson was even better!!! She was brutal. The message was move along, old man, it’s over.

Hi, could I sample a few minutes of content from this video and give your channel credit for it, etc?

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

I would need to hear more about the specific purpose of this. Contact me privately with more details and I will let you know!

You would not believe the hell she’s put me through. Tired after 32 years of her running our lives and taking the funds from my husband. He made her a millionaire while we stay poor. Bought the business at 17 years ago and my husband lied the whole relationship. They are both narcissistic.

@angelakraft6572

Жыл бұрын

He’s even trying to get me out of the picture from the beginning. Makes 200,000$ a year but we live on 56,000$. He buys himself nothing for 17 years.we live exactly the same as we did when we were both working. I consider the whole 32 years a lie.

@wilblissful

2 ай бұрын

Now that you mention this, until he took a short hiatus from her we were always broke too. I kind of suspect the same things of happening. She is a grifter.

My son is almost 13 and has made it clear to me that he needs more freedom, going into town with friends etc.... I'd rather not give this freedom until his foundation is more solid, I was thinking of letting go a little by the time he reaches 16 and fully by 18 when he is finished highschool (here on the island of Ireland). He thinks I'm over protective, and I agree with him and I point out to him the system and society we live in, the demonic influences out there, including the inappropriate behaviors of some of his school peers, which can rob him of his integrity if he succumbs to peer pressure. I have no intention of clipping or stealing his wings when he is 18 and legally his own guardian by then. I will admit that I have deep christian hopes for him, the foundation of which is being laid, but I know I won't critique his life at 18 and thereafter and I will always be here for him in a very detached and loving way.. Do you have any advice to give me, I feel guilty of guarding him so tightly, his integrity etc... He is just 13. Any ideas would be much welcomed. This video is 👍 wonderful. Thank you both.

@HusbandMaterial

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Emma. Thanks for watching. My advice would be to reach out to Dr. Ken Adams and his team at overcomingenmeshment.com

@JT-lt5gr

8 ай бұрын

Raise him right and let him go slowly. Raise him to be an independent adult. Don't raise him to feel indebted to you for giving birth to him. Thank God there are mothers like you. My mother-in-law sure isn't. If you want your son, daughter-in-law, and grandkids to hate you, act like you hold the air that they breathe in the palm of your hand. They'll never disagree with you, but they'll hate you.

Please help me understand why putting a man who, has deeply been abused by the mother, why would we expect them to have a relationship at any time with his abuser? I’ll never understand this.

Can an enmeshed son suffer from chronic panic attacks ?

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

Yes, absolutely. Why do you ask?

Makes me wonder if there is a correlation between militant forms of feminism and emotional enmeshment. Perhaps it has to do with internalizing the mother's negative view of the father and therefore by extension projecting that same negative lens onto all men.

@alicelopez130

8 ай бұрын

I think it’s actually the opposite. There is a pipeline of “pick me” women into “boy moms” they idolize their sons because other men have let them down. They also take out their resentment on their sons. I think it’s more emotional and personal rather than feminist or sexist

@Peem_pom

4 ай бұрын

I think that comes from a general absence of fathers, the emotional absence of fathers and how women are disappointed by men. But nice try to frame women as the sole problem.

could homosexuality represent some sort of exit strategy from this?

@usernane3652

4 ай бұрын

@@SovereignKing ok, that is your experience, but I think there is much more to it than one case. I appreciate the fact you took your time to reply.

Wow, false god, great term. and absolutely she relished the position

Is this the same for a man with his dad? I'm at my witts end with my husband and father in law, who lives with us because my husband feels guilty making him live alone.

@HusbandMaterial

5 ай бұрын

Yes, absolutely.

How do get them to even listening to this video when they are so defensive of their relationship

@wilblissful

Ай бұрын

You cant. Because he will defend their deal to the end. Its not easy to let go but sometimes its necessary.

The question how do we get this man we talking about to come to this workshop and work on looking at these truth. The demonic that holding back from being himself. His authenticity that he never come to realized that he was never who he is he is just a projection of the creation of his mother ?

please could someone direct me to women emmeshed with their mothers?

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

I'd recommend contacting Dr. Ken Adams at overcomingenmeshment.com

What if the mother is married? She got married 10 yrs ago and still insist on her son to be her spouse!

Omg this is my partner

@HusbandMaterial

2 жыл бұрын

In what way?

@delmadonoghue283

2 жыл бұрын

@@HusbandMaterial I had to relisten in order to answer as it was awhile ago. Surrogate husband for mother. Feeling responsible for financial, emotional and physical wellbeing, even though he is the youngest son. I was told outright "I am responsible for her financial, emotional and physical wellbeing, so deal with it"

I think these men enjoy having two women fight over them, their mother and their real wife. The mother is like his wife. The wife is like his girlfriend that thinks he is going to leave his wife for her. Meanwhile, he is getting all his needs met and is not getting blamed for anything. He will never leave his wife (mother) for his girlfriend (wife). I'm leaving.

@wilblissful

2 ай бұрын

I sometimes feel that he used me to make mom jealous.. they both hate me, it was a bonding opportunity for them, for his whole extended family actually.

yes, son supposed to lose to the father. I am wondering why Dr. Adams gets the father off the hook, like mommy is the whore, and the father has nothing to do with it. He is right, of course, mother should have hold the boundaries, but I cannot help but feel that Dr. Adams is more inclined to blame mother than father, who has his role to play in it, and father fails to love his wife as a woman but still won`t let her go or divorce. And what about daughters too close to fathers? I see this enmeshed mother-son dynamic in many fatherless families... sometimes father completely absent from the son`s life... alcoholic, or left the family, completely abandoned his parental responsibilities.. so father is not to blame, he was not there to raise the boy, right? and absent father has nothing to do with his son masturbating to porn, it`s all of course his mother's fault It would be nice if Dr. Adams wouldn`t use the word parent as a synonym to mother, and if he would differentiate: 1. borderline/narcissistic mothers, who abuse sons even when there is a functional, loving dad and 2. absent dad (physically or dysfunctional), when enmeshment can be much more benign and compensatory. And it would be good to talk about dysfunctional families as units and mother-father dynamic, as parenting responsibilities should be shared, and this kind of mother-son enmeshment is rare when relations between mom and dad are healthy.

@Peem_pom

4 ай бұрын

Absolutely agree. Men have their role to play in this as fathers

@Peem_pom

4 ай бұрын

But yes he does discuss this in the book. Silently seduced does frame the wife and the mom as the problems more, but When He's Married to Mom, is much better

@HusbandMaterial Dr adams, I’m hoping you will still see this comment as I just now came across your excellent video. I know I am enmeshed my mother and very much trying to break away. Yes, the relationship is entirely one-way with me doing all the giving. It’s been an ongoing battle. I’m 61!!!! 😢 Fortunately I have been able I think to give fully to my husband and now adult children but my mother’s narcissistic personality disorder, which has been diagnosed by a family therapist** although not shared with her, Still creates a great deal of stress. I have tried going no contact several times, and I always get sucked back in. This has occurred since my father died 10 years ago. All she does is wallow and play the lonely victim, and I now refuse to participate in that. She does nothing to help herself. Any insight you may have or tips on going no contact and making it stick if you feel that is the best way to go after 10 years of this nonsense? **. I tried doing family counseling with her with several counselors, who she chose when our relationship hit roadblocks. In each case, as soon as counselors started, suggesting that she needs to think and act with more empathy and respect my boundaries, she has “fired“ the therapist, and walked out! At that point the therapists have told me their diagnosis!

@HusbandMaterial

Жыл бұрын

That sounds so frustrating and exhausting!

@katiedid9601

Жыл бұрын

@@HusbandMaterial VERY!!!! Dealing with ingrained guilt about wanting to be no contact with her because she’s elderly… and lonely - because she has isolated herself and alienated old friends/family can’t stand to be around her overwhelming negativity.