There is a voice inside me that constantly says "there is something wrong with you"

@lallyk3945

Жыл бұрын

Me too. It's been there my whole life.

@kuibeiguahua

Жыл бұрын

If I just gain one more insight about emotional intelligence then I’ll be able to try to connect to people

@joanna0988

Жыл бұрын

Me too ❤ Trauma therapy is helping me a lot though.

@ASMRyouVEGANyet

Жыл бұрын

There is a lyric in the song "sympathy" by The Goo Goo Dolls that says "nowhere's home and I'm all wrong" and it has always stood out to me because that's how i always feel. People wonder why I don't already have my own house and I'm not settled down. I'm not at peace. I think that lyric sums it up.

@luciamixon4156

Жыл бұрын

​@@ASMRyouVEGANyetyes. I'm 60 and looking for a senior apartment community in 3 to 5 years. I'm like I'm still looking for a home. Maybe that home is in me. ❤ Slow going.

When I began to awaken, I was SCREAMING "There's nothing WRONG with me!!" and "I deserve better!!"

@queenofscots839

Жыл бұрын

💯❤️

@martialmusic

Жыл бұрын

Right

@ASMRyouVEGANyet

Жыл бұрын

That is awesome! Shout out for the world!

@juneelle370

11 ай бұрын

Beautiful ! ❤️!

@Simran-qw4os

11 ай бұрын

Same here! ❤🎉

It really is heartbreaking to think I've lived in self loathing for decades. It hurts me. I know I am not the reason I've lived like this.

@ASMRyouVEGANyet

Жыл бұрын

The hardest part of healing from the abuse is the time lost. The time lost during the abuse and the time lost having to fix ourselves afterwards. It's a struggle to not focus on the time. And if you're like me, you feel like you're always running out of it.

@luciamixon4156

Жыл бұрын

@@ASMRyouVEGANyet me too. I think that's why they say live in the now. Not easy. I listen to Eckhart Tolle. He has some interesting thoughts on the human condition.

@TheDruzza

11 ай бұрын

@@ASMRyouVEGANyet how old are you?

@ThisIsMe155

11 ай бұрын

I am So Sorry To Hear This 😢😥!! Me Too!! YOU (ME) WERE ALWAYS INNOCENT! 💔

@weaviejeebies

9 ай бұрын

I am having some trouble lately with how much of my life experiences, potential, and time were stolen from me by a miserable excuse of a father and his sick indoctrination. That's time I can't get back, and it makes me so sad and angry. All my life, I wanted to be an artist, but I couldn't even admit to myself that is what I wanted because of that constant "something is wrong with you, everything that stems from your soul is disgusting". Now that I'm actually acknowledging that part of myself as okay and showing others my work, I find I'm decades behind, and I get wistful watching other artists my age create the most complex, masterful things, and that's partly because they weren't crushed into oblivion and either took onto themselves or were allowed by the people in their lives the freedom to spend adulthood honing their skills without shame. I have added that loss of years of self-expressive time to the long list of wrongs committed against me by a parent of all people. I'm coping with it by using one of Jay's pillars, living in defiance of the narcissist's rules, and pouring the grief and anger I feel about this theft of my true self into my art. Needless to say, everything is slashing geometric chaos in tones of red and blue rn. I hope all of us out there wrestling with these heavy burdens finds their way out, and soon. 🙏

This is so true. I have a huge inferiority complex and feel the need to be really successful. I really need to find safe people but I don't know how. A person can really get run down by people.

@ErikMore

Жыл бұрын

@@beverlyk2895 That is a really good point! I will try to spread positivity and be around people that want to do the same.

@marrrweee

9 ай бұрын

I am in the same boat. How can we start finding these safe people is really the question. I think it can feel so overwhelming bc logically order to go outside of your home and meet people, you have to be able to leave your comfort zone and that can be so terrifying. That’s also why distance from the abuser is sooo critical, because them having any access to us reinforces those feelings of shame and unworthiness/being unwanted before we even give people a chance.

@irenahabe2855

8 ай бұрын

ACOA 12step groups for adult children of disfunkcional families - full of good traumatised people. 😊

@jasonwimberly5636

8 ай бұрын

May, I suggest affirmations? Reaffirm to yourself that you’re loveable, that you’re sense of being able to distinguish between who affirms you with respect and care and who doesn’t gets sharper and sharper, stronger and every day and that the sun shines as much for you as it does for everyone else. Your emotional needs are real and it’s beautiful to have them met by those that love you.

@dougcoleman8972

5 ай бұрын

​@@cjjohnson7095 I just started coda myself

Pete Walker's CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving is extremely helpful for survivors of parental narcissistic abuse. It can be a long complex recovery.

@pryncecharming2133

3 ай бұрын

This book is like my Bible. I refer back to it all of the time. There is also an accompanying workbook.

the parent both "needs and reviles" the scapegoat child. Horrible way to grow up. ps. Freckles on kids is SO cute

OMG been trying to fix my broken self since I got here! and my feet are big, my nose is not right , I am always too fat no matter what, and my hair is dry all according to my sister and my father. Also, I had a bad attitude starting at 2. 5 years according to my mom and I was always up on some High Horse. These people can all suck it, with love. I left them behind, no forwarding address, so I can get to know and LOVE my wonderful self and leave those critics to their own miserable devices. And yes, I was the pleaser and the fixer so now they just have to turn on each other. BTW, our imperfections are the things that make us MOST endearing, and MOST lovable by god and those who love us here. Thank you JAY for creating this community.

@tnt01

11 ай бұрын

You look great, they all jealous.

53yrs old and finally free. Mum was NPD. She was also Munchausen. She died a year ago. That day, I lost my whole family. I was discredited in life and she was martyred in death. Nothing I could ever do was good enough. Towards the end, I stopped even trying. Now, I'm 100% alone in the world and following medical negligence as a child, I've become increasingly disabled. So that I can feel safe, i now need a living will to protect me from my own family being my NOK 😢

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

11 ай бұрын

Betlea good luck to you. I’m rooting for you 💪

@peaceangel-rl2hf

11 ай бұрын

I am in a similar position but it's better than being abused and denigrated until you die...enjoy yr time alone and fall in love with yrself. You can do it. So many things to do in life. Don't waste any time , live yr life in freedom

@betlea8070

11 ай бұрын

@@peaceangel-rl2hf I had to learn to like myself before I could ever love myself. Things are slowly changing. I finally have a life I want to lead, and found what I'm most passionate about. My home is full of love as I now rescue exotic birds, and pets from trauma. By default I specialise in aggressive behaviours. I became the "crazy bird/cat/dog lady"! And happily embrace my crazy!! 😂😂🥰

@betlea8070

11 ай бұрын

@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 thank you. It means alot x

@peaceangel-rl2hf

11 ай бұрын

@@betlea8070 sounds like a beautiful existence! Congratulations!! Me too BTW. Crazy dog lady here. I have created a peaceful and gentle life for myself and my rescue dog, in beautiful surroundings. It's amazing we have come so far when I look back, I am proud of myself. And grateful for myself now at 55yo 👏 . Like you, I was trained to dislike myself but now I know with absolute conviction that was narcisist rubbish and total projection of their horribleness.🙏👍. Return to sender I say

I can't believe other people were going through the same thing I was. I really thought I was the only one. I spent years "knowing for a fact" I was just not good enough ( a huge amount of shame involved) . Never going out into groups, because I knew for a fact I would never measure up. but at the same time having to fake trying to be as great as the parent claimed to be. But Jay Reid is saying it like it is, just as I experienced it.

@Justin-er2bq

7 ай бұрын

It's is amazing that just a sentence can jog ur memory too be like THERE IT IS !! I DONT KNOW HOW THE BRAIN WORKS LIKE THAT

Its so freeing when you get to see yourself as worth more, and escape from Narcissistic families, friends and partners. Thank you again Jay, I no longer see a need to fix myself. 🎉

@catzee4720

11 ай бұрын

I used to feel this way but now I have had to cut everyone out and lost my identity and depressed with or without it seems lonely. I was told cut them all off, heal and you will meet your tribe right for you. It’s been years and I have only encountered and drawn in same types or no one. Scapegoat role has left me alone and confused and always healing. I know there are people out there to meet but it is so hard. But when you said u escaped from family friends and partners well I did just that. No more drama feels nice and peaceful really, just wish I could share it with someone

@kathyadair8552

11 ай бұрын

@@catzee4720We're in the same boat, almost, 10 Year's as a widow. The 2 Scapegoat boys, both Rethuglikand, & "Alt-Rt. W.ing A.uthoritarians" Both pawned off their undesirable and worst Narcopathic characteristics onto me. Needless to say, life has been Hell the last 7 Years of my so-called Golden Years. The Speech Tx kid, up against the BuLLy and his Victim. The 2 habitual, compulsive and pathological Liars that never grew up!

In my experience, envy is the driving force behind scapegoating, compelling the narcissistic to drive the goodness out of you. "Take that smile off your face," is one of the frequent comments I heard growing up. Underneath that comment lay a need to extinguish the joy in the child. So heartbreaking is the need to destroy the beauty in another rather than celebrating and honouring that goodness.

@Xaviarra

10 ай бұрын

THIS EXACTLY

@GN315-pe6ul

5 ай бұрын

Yes. If we made the mistake of letting her catch us displaying feeling good, she would yank it out from under us. Yet when we displayed feeling not good, that was also punished with minimization and being exiled to isolation. What are you so happy about, and why are you crying, I will give you something to cry about, were the two extremes we were ping ponged between constantly.

Thank you, Jay. Your ability to describe the parent and why they choose the scapegoat allows me to travel to moments in time when I had interactions with my mother. I can picture her justifying why I was the worthless one. She wouldn’t use the word “wordless” per say, but she dismantled my character, relegating me to someone I didn’t recognize. I’d often be confused during these moments, she’d spend hours with long monologues and droned on about me as she puttered around the house. She’d be audible enough for the entire household to hear, deliberately making me the outcast until she done with her monologue. We became her “hostages” until she was done. Once she got it out of her system she’d carry on like nothing happened. The rest of the family members, me included, were expected to resume as normal.

@angelakeely5859

Жыл бұрын

Horrible, they like to spew their vitreol onto you, I personally call it "toxic waste", that they project onto you, which is how they feel about themselves, we weren't designed to take on this level of "toxicity", and it's done with intent on their part,to affect your ability to function properly or to believe in your own worth.😏🚩🏃‍♀️

@dancinginthepurplereign4126

Жыл бұрын

I could have easily written this.

@martialmusic

Жыл бұрын

As my mother told me “if other people knew you how I knew you, they would not think so highly of you.” My original response mentally was “Mother is right. Who would know me better?” My new response is”It’s great to hear that others have such a high opinion of me. You should take them seriously Mother.”

@ASMRyouVEGANyet

Жыл бұрын

Such bizarre behavior. Sorry you had to deal with that. My dad does similar but he leaves hour long voicemails going on and on about how awful I am. It is very bizarre. Even more bizarre he thinks I'm going to take time out of my day to listen to it 😂 they truly think hearing their opinions are the most important part of our day.

@valeriegonzalez6629

11 ай бұрын

Everyone had to be of "one mind" with my mother: my college roommates., all other extended relatives on both sides of our family, and later, both of my two husband's soon after I married. Her basic contention was that I was mentally ill (a completely invalid human being, in other words) and perhaps needed to be institutionalized

Unbelievable how Jay can describe the nuances so very clearly… thank you

Thank you for all your help. God sent your words to me. It's been seven months of daily self therapy via you and other KZread videos. God will invite you into Heaven for how you help His children who were hurt and abused by narcissistic parents. I've decided to leave my mother and family so I can recover my physical health and sanity.

@fuzbugg

Жыл бұрын

❤

@dancinginthepurplereign4126

Жыл бұрын

❤ i love this.

@christar9527

Жыл бұрын

Good for you for leaving. I’m sure you’ll feel better and be happier in the long or even short run. Again, congratulations!😊

@denisem4575

Жыл бұрын

Once I figured out that I was emotionally abused & was in a narcissistic family system. I started by grey rocking my mother. I had the final straw with my sister 7 yrs ago. Through those 7 yrs I only communicated with her via txt. This past yr I went no contact with her. My brother I never had a relationship with but that is too long to discuss here. My dad is simply an enabler. It is definitely a LONG process. You go through grieving a family that you never had. But I must say I have answers to why I would have anxiety attacks & poor sleeping habits. It would take me days to recover from a phone call from my mother. I would just be so unhappy at the end of a phone call or visit. Through finding these videos I figured out I was the scapegoat in my family. Can’t thank Jay enough for these videos! The biggest thing I’m learning is is BOUNDARIES. This is hard but necessary. You got this & aren’t alone in the process!!💛

@dakoderii4221

Жыл бұрын

Not without Jesus. No works qualify anyone for Heaven. All must repent and be born again. No matter how good you are, you are still a flawed sinner. Only the blood of Jesus can wash your sins away. Though if you are saved you will be rewarded in Heaven for your works. Matthew 19:17(Jesus speaking here) And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments. John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

I think needing for redemption came about by my father's disdain for the feminine. My sister, brother and I always felt there was something missing in our approach to things because it wasn't my father's, which was focused pretty much solely on hyper-masculine values. He was a workaholic and rarely if ever, enjoyed just hanging out with us; or relating to us.. There was just this void. like a father placeholder, but no father, adn if there was he was a vahicle for disapproval. There was always thsi feeing that we weren't doing something right, but we did not now what it was.

Keep being gentle as possible with yourself. I know how hard this is to do.

@ets5697

15 күн бұрын

It's hard to do because we treat ourselves the way ours parent did - no excuses, no compassion, no empathy. We scream at ourselves and are super hard on ourselves, and treat ourselves like trash - just like our parents did. That's why it feels foreign to be kind to ourselves and receive kindness from others. We unconsciously engage in the same lack of kindness for ourselves that our parents showed us.

Why do narcissists have such an obsession with family table attacks and “table manners.” For me it wasn’t freckles, it was my acne.

"his therapist was not threatened by (improved) changes in him", unlike his parent. Important relationships should not hinge on him not liking himself. Simple but profound. Having to actually fathom this means that much of the human race has sunk to such deprivation levels

As infants if we were lucky we had many “you are a beautiful baby” experiences. And as we became older toddlers and then a few more years, hopefully we continued having peak experiences at times based in the love of our parents. But sometimes narcissistic parents are jealous of these and deny them to us, leaving us narcissistically wounded. What this therapy that Mr Reid is doing here is permitting us to experience these feelings here, again, and now. They are called peak experiences by Abraham Maslow. That is why they are healing. Each of us inside has a beauty spot. And we are allowed to love ourselves there and ignore past instructions that we could not. We were taught we were not good enough. That was an error, sometimes accidental, sometimes malicious, on the part of others. We are as worthy of love as anyone (but we do have to take adult responsibility for our own mistakes and misbehaviors.) We are no better than others. No worse. But that makes us equally worthy and deserving of love in the world of infantile feelings.

@christinebuckingham8369

Жыл бұрын

Thank you ❤🙏

@joanna0988

Жыл бұрын

That's great info thank you! My mom spoke to me very harshly as a toddler/small child and I guess it's no surprise that I speak to myself that way now.

@martialmusic

Жыл бұрын

@@joanna0988 yup. You deserved and deserve as much respect as anyone. (But you have to take responsibility too for your own errors of judgment in life)

@joanna0988

Жыл бұрын

@@martialmusic Of course, I'm in therapy and working through of all this ❤️❤️

@juneelle370

11 ай бұрын

Beautifully true & expressed! That’s how I think of “time” as well… the soul we were can live these things in these new nows…and it teaches the energy of the inner child (the Soul/Spirit and how we were first embodied before layers of trauma/lies) here in these new nows and forever… knowing we deserved them then as well… truth and love are healing experiences and changes psyche/perspective/processing of reality forever 💙 it really is never too late… awareness in the now heals how we perceive the meaning of abuse/neglect in the past… wholeness can happen even from a “broken” childhood and lived. Wounds heal (what a relief!) and scars can be looked at in love because of the lessons that they carry are precious to what humanity itself needs to heal! ❤️

Yes, Dr. Reid, you are a genuine gift, with a priceless and life-saving message. Unlike my cousin, who died as a direct result of being relentlessly narcissistically abused, I have been fortunate to survive. You have helped so many of us find validation and self-esteem, after a lifetime of such horrible treatment. Your insight is invaluable... As mentioned before, I would love to hear you address the family dynamic among siblings, in families headed by a narc (or two). THANK YOU.

@Ikr2025

11 ай бұрын

My older brother is a narcissist who jumped on my father’s, bandwagon of directing narcissistic abuse at me as a child. My father was highly narcissistic, my mother was just indifferent - dismissive avoidant so never pulled either of them up on it.

I would add a 4th pillar: Find and start living according to your own authentic values and goals. Because living in defiance can be another inauthentic space in itself, and is narc focused and not self focused. Great content!!

Amazing. I’ve spent many years now after being viciously attacked consistently by a malignant narcissist and his co-conspirators (character assassinations, revenge restraining order, smear campaigns) and have been at perpetual odds with myself defending because I was made to feel bad throughout my childhood by a narcissistic father. These attacks attacks were the projections of the blame / blame shifting but knowing this and in spite of the knowledge I’ve been sucker punched by the shame of others but seeking absolution / redemption - the only way is to defend - caught in a shame loop cycle of obsessive rumination. That’s what the bullies triggered, the deep inner shame of the abused child - that’s what the malignant narcissist wanted to do: weaponise his toxic shame and trigger me into attacking myself. I’m just trying to surrender to past judgment as best I can and relinquish control. The need to seek redemption is strong in the abused child of a narcissistic parent. This feeling that I must be bad…. taking on others crap because of that subconscious, unconscious belief.

A difficult thing is the therapy process can be a way of trying to fix ourselves as well. Damaging ourselves from trying to fix what isn't broken.

This is a process,but yesterday I felt that a big change happened for me. Finally after many years I was able to sink into my body and stay there and rest in my body. I hope that it will sprinkle goodness and prosperity upon you,Jay Reid. You are the best.

I’ve worked as a writer, and had some gratifying success, and a lot of very positive feedback for my work as a tech writer/editor and as a writer/editor for a news and commentary website. My articles for the latter would often be picked up by well over 100 other sites. I want to start keeping a journal, and writing about my rather eventful life. This is what I needed to hear. Even with my obvious talent in writing, I’m afraid anything personal I write will sound stupid. It’s almost as though if I think of it, it’s a bad idea, despite winning an award for work I did on an ISS project. I’m going to start writing today. Thank you, Jay!

When i achieved anything mum said i was egotistical. Ive never learnt to praise myself. Thank you for your videos. They help me very much ❤

“Important relationships no longer hinged on him disliking himself” 😢 thank you Dr. Jay. I relate to the anecdotes you shared and the message was what I needed to chew on at a pivotal point in a relationship of my own in fact.

Thank you Jay, this is an amazing video, I can really resonate with it, the Narcissist Parent dumps all of their inadequacies onto the Scapegoat Child, the affects of which can in a lot of cases last a lifetime.✨💜✨

The support from community is making more sense to me right now. Learning that i cant have this doscission with everyone or expect some of my closest friends wont be able to help or support me.

My family liked to take their irrational fear stories out on me and then tell anyone who listened that I was 'troubled' and made life hard for them. I found it quite ironic even at an early age. It's a difficult journey in many ways. Thank you for the uplifting information!

There are moments now when I'm actually able to let go of the urgency, and just rest. It feels good and bad at the same time. I appreciate your careful way of putting things into words. It does seem easier to process your message because the phrasing is not overly complicated.

Ouch

It really is amazing how so many things can change with understanding. Doing “yellow rock” with my bio mom… still love her but she was never a mother… it was only ever me trying to mother her into being a mother… yellow rock works for me! The guilt from “no contact” was too hard on me and I know it makes no logical sense but I couldn’t get rid of it. Im a super feeling person. Now, I talk to her less, tell her nothing about my life (she has no business in it) but I listen about her life and give her whatever help I can (with boundaries)… I see clearly the games she plays and have pity on her, knowing this was caused by deep abuse in her childhood that made her very manipulative/self centered… whilst still holding protection for myself strongly in mind. Some large aching wound that was leaking out energy has healed and it’s so wonderfully new and beautiful to experience myself, everything so differently. So loved this video~so many ding ding dings 😂 I’ve been a chronic self improvement/spiritual seeker most of my life… thank God a while back, I cooled it on the spiritual seeking with a message from God that Creator is Love & Mystery… and basically to CHILL and focus on the individual relationship/my individual life purpose and to stop seeking any ultimate answers in religion and just be in relationship, in Love, With Love, Being Love as best I can. Listening to this I realize I ALSO need to take a major chill pill on self improvement… he’s right… this is what it stems from… since that experience in the jungle, Ive been able to experience Creator in a much deeper and more relaxed way… and now I need to do the same with self improvement… which I realize just now has actually limited my improvement/growth! Just like I didn’t give up God by being such a seeker and actually became closer to God in such a more relaxed way, giving up compulsive self improvement will bring me to my life/life purpose/life itself in a more relaxed, enjoyable and beneficial way. It’s not that there’s anything wrong w improving just like there’s nothing wrong with spiritual contemplation… it’s just the energy of it is wrong… coming from abuse, all the things he said… just like I still spiritually contemplate-I just know that is so much less important than personal relationship/purpose of life w Creator… I now need to embrace the truth that the MOST of the energy I put towards “self improvement” needs to be out towards what I’m already good at! Not going to give up introspection, finding new tools and tips, nourishing beneficial habits but I see now… I’m withholding so much energy from what I CAN DO and ENJOY into a “religion” of self criticism/self improvement… I want to live in what’s GOOD in me and grow from that instead of this constant not good enough but with one more improvement I might be there. From this moment on, “self-improvement” goes under intuition… Creator has created us to be little creators and lovers of life as well. I now see self improvement as the same trap I experienced in religion. Just something that sucks the life out of you if it’s not in it’s proper small place! Hope this awareness sinks all the way to my bones soon! Once it gets there, that will be the biggest improvement of all, right next to letting go of spiritual seeking into spiritual living ~embracing the Love and Mystery of myself now as well! This channel is a miracle in my life and for so many! 🌼 Jay’s work an expanse of what Love & Truth can do and he’s teaching it! This is how the world heals 💙 one by one… I’m so glad to be one of the ones healing so much 😭 wish it for every 1!

@juneelle370

11 ай бұрын

@@cjjohnson7095 that is beautiful! ❤️🌀❤️ I love sailing metaphors and after I wrote this what came to me (to encapsulate) is focus on the boat not the barnacles! 🙌🌊⛵️🌊 yes, barnacles need scraped off for the sake of our boats but most of all, boats are for sailing and joy! Happy travels to you ❤️

I don't the the narcissist's sense of worthlessness is intolerable, because the scapegoat is able to tolerate it. I think they just don't want to deal with it.

@Ikr2025

11 ай бұрын

It is a decision they make to project it and direct their own feelings of disgust and contempt onto other vulnerable people.

I took the nobody to no one route. It was incredibly isolating and agonizing for 18 years but made going NC super easy. I can't be guilted, manipulated or smear campaigned into do what they want. They are nothing to me too.

Thank you Jay. I've constantly had the belief that I needed to do better. This began in my first year of high school. I was already working as hard as I could. My father responded with this comment when I tried to show him some work that I'd been marked for (I thought the mark I'd received was good, which was why I was showing him. I was always seeking his approval!) This comment confused me so much! How the hell can anyone do better when they're was already doing their best? It made no sense! My best might not have been perfect but it was still my best. The subjesct was English, and the confusion I experienced resulted in my mark dropping, continually. In my final year it was my lowest mark. I strongly dislike people who acknowledge that someone is intelligent, but when they have no idea as to why that person is getting low marks their immediate assumption is "she's not trying hard enough". It could never be: her home life is chaotic, or she's experiencing severe anxiety. Such people think they know everything, when in actual fact they know very little because they never bother to ask. A quiet chat, asking someone how they're feeling, if they're okay or something considerate could make the world of difference and be incredibly helpful. I had noone to talk to at the time. My English teacher in my second last year gave me "U" for unsatisfactory in relation to effort. She believed I wasn't trying hard enough. Such people are very inconsiderate - my mark(s) could only mean one thing!? When I think back to my father's comment, he said what he said without looking at my work, so his remark was meaningless. My mark at the time, 73% was quite reasonable for someone who'd barely started high school and was struggling incredibly. My other subjects improved as I became more comfortable at high school, all except for English, which I'd been made to feel ashamed of. Great work, Dad! This still effects my ability to write creative English essays today, as I seem to have forgotten how to. I can be objective in all other subjects, as was the case in high school, but any competition etc which requires saying something in 25 words or fewer automatically makes me freeze, feeling very insecure. I feel that my language will being judged, and if I try to write it sounds terrible. I write well when I'm feeling angry, strangely. I'm very precise and straight to the point. I'm a grammatical pedant, so speaking English is not at all difficult, it's just the small section of it which my father deemed shameful or not good enough 38 years ago. My writing becomes very flowery, as I go back into "trying to please" mode, and my ability goes out the door. Not sure if I'll ever be able to shake off. Unfortunately some things are ingrained in us. I don't know this comes about. My psychotherapist has drawn my attention to my ability when I'm talking back to someone, otherwise I'd have though English had gone down the drain for me.

@juneelle370

11 ай бұрын

Change is possible~seeing truths from non-obscured perspectives can change the deepest of wounds! It really can! 💙

I myself became narcissistic as a coping mechanism due to having a low self-esteem as a result of scapegoating :(. Sir, you have no idea how you saved my life.

Another super insightful video! Thank you 🙏🏽

Very good vid. An aha thought while listening, nmom wanted me to be inferior and friendless and made it happen. Made me so insecure and self hating and anxious at age 8 no child, later teen, later adult would seek me out. They recoiled. So I've never had a friend. To try for one, I'd always seek out the most bullied kid, usually even they rejected me.

@christar9527

Жыл бұрын

I can relate!

I love your videos. They are helping make sense of why I have so many friends that scapegoat me as well. Just make digs all the time. I keep trying to understand why I put up with it when really they’re my enemies. I would love a video on why we pick friends that do the same thing as our families. 😢

Always have intrusive, ocd, depleting, destabilizing, sabotaging, unbalancing thoughts that drive me to depression. Noone around to balance me during the day. These videos always help me when i feel too harsh. I would like to attend your class in person

I knew I was nothing to her and that I was just biding my time til I could escape. After a certain point, I acted indifferent and thoroughly annoyed at her behavior and I treated her like *she* was the child and I was the adult 😂😂 She HATES ME. Hates me.

WHERE ARE THE SAFE PEOPLE

Dude!! You are the greatest guy in the world for making these videos! I think we might be kind of screwed without them.

I am doing my PENANCE for being such an ANGRY grown up child! I have been SO DAMN MAD that I border on danger and I almost push it to where IT WILL BE MY BAD! Like not registering my truck and NOT getting insurance (I am in almost constant PANIC MODE)! But something could happen if I stay MAD that hurts someone non deserving! SO ANYWAYS this popped up while I was stacking firewood! I am walking now for almost 2 miles and stacking firewood for 2 HOURS and then walking back HOME! BECAUSE my TRUCK is in the lot after getting a ticket for a non registered NON insured TRUCK! So I am broke as a JOKE and without WHEELS! BUT I got away with this for two YEARS NOW! And I PUSHED IT TOO FAR! THE ONLY THING I had been doing is rebelling against AUTHORITY! JUST MAD MAD MAD! I STILL AM but I am pushing myself so that I think STRAIGHT and start to really work on myself!

@dakoderii4221

Жыл бұрын

I think he has a video called "When bad seems real" or something like that. Might help you. Seems like that was/is your way of establishing independence. Don't look at it like a major failure. You just have to re-orient your compass and get back on track. No biggie!

Jay is the man ! Thank you so much for all your efforts to help others , including me . ❤❤

You are doing god’s work.

Every week I appreciate these videos so much as I unwind myself from my narcissistic family o.o. / Thank You, Jay

i have 4 years in healing from this type of childhood i found trauma informed support groups beneficial where i found a safe enough person capeable of empathizing with me and my story, validating me and empathizing with me as long as i needed while also showing me the tools of gentleness and healthy boundaries and integrity to my inner child, which i started applying gradually, and with following through with boundaries my inner child and true self came out , and now im the loving parent whom loves honors protects and speaks up for that inner child, and tries to keep finding safe enough people where i will get my needs met. When i was growing up i was the scapegoat, i tried being blonder in hair, because my sister was red headed, and she was the golden child, later turned out to be a narc herself, and i tried being skinnier, my dad was the narc, and id say he was awfull at all of us. Im so grateful i have found healing from that and specially apreciate the agency , boundaries have given me, and self advocacy, to take up my space in the world. and show me safe enough people that being said. i relate, i have distance from the narc abuser, for sure, very very low contact. some of the beliefs that underly are difficult, i at times can benefit from giving myself permission to have fun, and sometimes feel i ve taken on as healing as a responsiblity, which it is, but i can fall of at the overly responsiblezone. Im grateful for videos like this. and im grateful to, be able to be the loving parent to my inner child, and assure my inner child, and reparent my inner child and true self. and love my inner child and true self. with the help of God , and try to meet my different needs, in life, in and out of recoery and i long to keep having fufilling relationships with available people and partnerships too where i can keep sharing my true self, and get my needs for connection met in reciprocal relationships. Were all worth it. in a good way. With gentleness humor love and respect God speed. were worth it. Enjoy everyone. we are good enough just as we are. Were worth it. Cheers. Godspeed were worth it .)

HOLY CRAP!!! I ALWAYS KNEW THIS BUT NOT UNTIL I WATCHED WITH THIS VIDEO!!!

Thank you Jay. Very helpful. This video feels like 5 years of free therapy

Rereading your incredibly effective book for the 2nd time through Audible! 💯

Thank you so much - this video explains a lot and is very helpful. John's story was highly relatable and resonated- i felt like hugging him and being a friend to him. Then had the realization that's what I needed to do for myself too. Thank you again. ❤️🙏

I talk to my inner child alot now. I tell him what a wonderful kid he always was and is. Doing this actually calms my anxiety. I love these videos. In tandem with therapy I've made so many break throughs.

This table talk brought up a memory I had forgotten. When 6or7yrs old my golden child younger brother had to have his tonsils out and was terrified. SO THE NARK SENT ME TO HAVE MY TONSILS REMOVED AS WELL. he said it was " because I ate so slowly" and having my tonsils out would make me eat faster. WHEN IN REALITY he was abusing me to pacify his golden boy. Child abuse takes so many forms. Thank you so much for hardening me against the evils of the world Ronald Harold Rutter from Dryden Ontario Canada

Thank you Jay! Found your channel somewhat recently and really value your perspective and approach to these topics. Your videos are a wonderful tool in my arsenal for healing. Appreciate your work very much!

This was such a helpful video. I think, at 42 that I'm coming out of the need to redeem myself and I'm starting to feel the freedom to just BE myself, as I am. Thank you!

Radical responsibility... Did i choose to be born into this?

All I think is I can do better, I can be better.

Thank you Jay. Yet again, another pertinent video by you showing the many layers of how abuse plays out and manifests. I live daily choosing deeds towards my own redemption. Now I'm thinking how nice it would be to live free of this pressure. Thanks again. Your channel and knowledge shifts things in leaps and bounds.

Thank you, Jay for yet another insightful video. Your explanations of what happens to a scapegoat survivor is so validating. I still find things in myself that I deem to be unacceptable. Perhaps not physically but certainly on a psychological level. I am always working on my mental health and although self-awareness is a positive trait it is like I can never quite accept myself exactly as I am. I am making good progress though thanks to watching videos like yours and other specialists in the field of Narcissism.

On the other hand I don't think it's related to the carer's low self-worth so directly. It makes them feel on one hand competent that they are the ones who can "guide" you and get the scores for the competence, which itself probably originates in the need of proving their worth too, on the other hand it shifts the blame for their failure as the ones responsible for your "goodness", "validness" on you, because they see you as the reflection of their own worth, so they can wash their hands if you didn't turn out well enough, it's your fault, they did their best. And this is why it's so easy for anyone to convince them that you did something wrong, you were at fault, your worth is less, because it validates their position, takes their responsibility off of them, makes their worth safe. And it implies they are scapegoat survivors after all just as much as you are.

As a scapegoat I would love to see more information on how We face a double edge sword. -How we are doubted if we heal. -How our fellow survivors Might Feel envy /Hate on occasion -How the individuals outside of family might view us as dangerous because of our experience. I've been looking everywhere for conversations about the double edge sword outside of the family and found nothing. I feel like this is a lost key that should be found. Would it be possible to cover this topic one day?

Yea, I feel bad right now as a guy got my number and we went out to eat breakfast one day. He’s called since and I let it go to VM because I feel worthless-ish. But the thing is, I, pretty much, always, feel this way, no matter where I’m at in life. It’s a constant for me.

Spot on! ❤

Don't be so struck, you deserve all the success in the world. 👍

It was EXTREMELY helpful. Thank you very much.

All I can think of lately is that I’m totally flawed and I have the worst personality of any person on earth. There’s a good reason for this. I’ve been hated everywhere by most people. I think it could be because my narcissistic parents brought out the worst in me though. My husband was recently diagnosed with cancer and it’s spread through his body. I was also discharged from the place where I go to for medication and “therapy “ for no reason other than I told them my symptoms (self hatred) were getting worse. Overall I think the best solution is to end my life. HELP.

@Ikr2025

11 ай бұрын

Please don’t end your life. Your husband REALLY needs you at this point in time. You deserve to live out your life feeling happy and proud about who you are. It was not your fault your family projected their own negative emotions onto you. Keep striving to find happiness ❤

@gamingash9789

11 ай бұрын

Maybe you have to go for the direct solution, which is the opposite of symptom (self-hatred) : self-love. This is the time to abandon hatred for self directly and love yourself, and quit all bad habits that create the self-hatred. Find love in every deed you can find, let's say, if you finished the dishes, reward yourself with self-love ; when you are there for your husband with unconditional love, reward yourself internally with love for yourself because you are being there for your partner, you're being a good partner. Love yourself in all the small constructive things and eliminate all souces of thoughts that creates self-hatred which is not correlating to your behaviours in reality. That will eliminate cognitive dissonance. It's like smokers who go cold turkey and quit smoking, which my mom did after 3 decades of smoking, she is now around 2 years free of smoking. She abandoned cigarettes as if she has never known them to begin with. That complete abandonment of bad habit/symptom is what creates wellbeing and self-love as the first step, and then you compliment yourself by every good little deed you have done, reward yourself with self-care and care for another all deserve words of encouragement and love. And quit all of which the people in your life brought out in you which is contributing to self-hatred, those qualities have to go so that they no longer add to your internal and external suffering. Try self-love starting from now - sending you and your husband power of healing❤

@LUV733

11 ай бұрын

Please don't give up on yourself! ❤ I feel you must have some glimmer of hope within you because you are here expressing how you feel in a safe space! We have been through similar experiences & are all seeking community & validation. This is where true healing can begin. You weren't born an unlovable person and that's what you must remember. Imagine yourself as the beautiful innocent baby you were 🥰 She's still within you, & you had to learn to be defensive to protect her from being hurt. Hold her close to your heart & tell her you love her & she's a beautiful person who has grown into a loving wife who cares for her husband in his suffering. Let her rest when she's tired, enjoy nature, talk to one or two people about how she feels, nourish her body with good food and baths & walks or whatever else brings her pleasure & connection to the beautiful spirit she truly is. It's never too late to heal & to love oneself and be grateful to the part of you who did her best to keep you safe. Thank this part of you & let her know you are learning to stand up for yourself in new ways with gentle confidence and self appreciation. You can do this! We all can. Sending you love and support on your onward journey 🤗❤️🌺🙌

@LUV733

11 ай бұрын

I'm in grief today after yet another discard from my partner of several years who was my therapist. It should never have happened but it was a case of " human magnet syndrome." I was passionate about him & kind & generous. He adored me sexually, but raged when I questioned his attitudes & need to be admired & validated so much by others as a writer, & for his wisdom, in which he felt a failure. He resented my attention to my family or work. He was also my 2 sons' therapist & one has been in psychiatric care for 13 years with paranoid schizophrenia 😢 I had to leave 6 years ago becauseof his raged & he's hoovered me back repeatedly, followed by devaluing, discard & blocking me because he refused my attempts at resolution. He now has cancer & I've tried to be supportive & kind, but he expects more affection from me which I can't give. His opposite stance on the covid situation ( I have refused to be vaccinated after deep research, & intuitive knowing from the beginning- I am a qualified former nurse) has caused further divisions between us the last 3 years. He now ridicules me for my beliefs & new friends & community. He's found a healer friend who is fond of him & agrees with him on issues, so I'm suddenly discarded again in spite of his declarations of "love" for me. I am left resolving the trauma bond alone after 20 years of relationship first in therapy, then as lovers & co- owners of our home. I'm in deep grief in spite of knowing he is a fragile covert narcissist & will never change. He could never validate my feelings about our relationship. This must be one of the most failed therapeutic relationships in history 😢

@eeks78

9 ай бұрын

Hi there. I see you're getting mainly the advice to love and care for yourself, and my opinion about that is that that's not always accessible when you are in a shame spiral. My advice would be to start saying to yourself "Of course I feel totally flawed, I experienced severe abandonment and crazy-making behaviour from my parents!" Maybe this will give you just enough distance from the horrible feelings when they come on, to start to be able to question whether the feelings reflect "the absolute truth about you" or are more of a truthful reflection about how bad the abuse you suffered really was. Also I am in a discussion group where people report getting dumped by therapists for unfair or nonsensical reasons all the time. It sounds like these ones you encountered were just covering their butts. It's not you (although I know that's hard to believe when it's happening).

Thank you Jay

Thank you so much!

Thank you Jay!!

GREAT STUFF !!!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH !!!!!

Thank you. 🙏

Thank you for this valuable input, Mr. Reid.

Great video thank you ❤❤❤

Wow thank you, it took me a while to understand this thank you

You help me so much! Thank you! -Lisa

So excellent! Truth presented in an easy to understand way. Thank you, this helped me!

Thank you, Jey. Everything you do is resonating with me.

@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse

8 ай бұрын

You are so welcome

Yes

❤ thank you Jay. The words all make sense. Being scrutiized sucks. Stay real to your core. Follow your heart focus on your soul. Stay positive and the easiest pillar for me is distancing body mind & spirit from negative humans. We are all human after all. And getting educated by healers like Jay the correct phd's or guy on the street. ❤ Is the journey to the same end. True love Self love Self care Ego is the enemy, tempering self is vitale. Be glad you exist, many others are happy you do.

*Respect

I did develop a weapon to use against my Dad, humor. One time I came to the dinner table and did an imitation of a Giraffe from behind my chair. Then I sat down and ate. WOW!! I had this new weapon. It worked most of the time. Finally I had a talent to mitigate this miserable abuse on me. I'm surprised I remembered this.

We do have to recondition our brain and nervous system after enduring narcissistic abuse. They used operant conditioning as part of the abuse, and that requires us to use operant conditioning on ourselves to undo the damage. That's why the three pillars are so good, they help us take steps towards re-conditioning ourselves.

Good topic. I agree on most. However.. growing up in these households we have too developed traits we need to become aware of and áreas our thinking and behavior to modify to live healthier as often such experiencies cause us to act and behave in ways that is only hurting us further

Fixing things around my home that need fixing soon enough instead of believing I am too defective to do so on my own because mechanical intelligence is not my strongest trait. That sounds like a good way for me to be soon enough no matter how I could be measuring up to others better in speed when getting it done all by myself instead of worrying about what people think when doing anything that doesn't fit in a traditional rich person gender role. Before my kitchen floor falls in like what happened in real life to the aged mother of a prime minister of his nation not long before he finally had time to visit her again - In that free travel flim I saw the other day at Alberta Avenue community hall. Jay I hope your client John (pseudoname) finds someone to be in a romantic relationship with that is not so one sided while he continues to try and fix it to become more romantic for him.

I have a broken nose so I actually do have a flaw in the middle of my face which makes everybody view me as ugly. Some people do have flaws which others despise.

All true, I am John. Except there are cases when you do have defects, even if your beliefs exaggerate them, and fixing those does mean redemption, like for instance a reconstructive surgery. It's mindboggling how can anyone deny it from someone... Or if you have visible diseases, you simply can't distance yourself from abuse, people are shallow and intolerant everywhere.

I'm not sure I come under the category of having had a narcissistic parent, I only had my mum, but I can identify with the need to feel like I need to fix things in myself physical and internal and I'm still with a close friend who has the traits and actions of narcissism so still struggling.. so this video helps and made me think.. tho it may not be in quite way was aimed for (?) 🤔😊

That WAS my life

We are set back in life, we miss out on so much, we don't know who we are, we fail to get basic structure for any human relationships because of the narc. We face things in life noone can relate to. Our life is dominated by an abuser. Is it any wonder that scapegoated children feel worthless?

@soniahathaway1

5 ай бұрын

Yep. I had no idea why I was so unwell when I was young. I was suicidal, anorexic, and attached to many more narcissists before learning through Jay Reid and Dr Ramani. 😢

❤❤❤

Can you make a video on where regular malignant narcissism ends and psychopathy starts and same with perverse narcissism?

I know there's nothing really wrong with me.

Hi Jay my partner is the scapegoat in a narcissistic family. Although he seems to know this on some level he continues contact with his narcissistic father at least a few times a day. Will this continue for life?

According to God, I'm perfect. That's why they hate me.

) epigenetic. No wonder it runs rampant in my family. So many questions now..why they are "ill" and not "evil". What do I do with my mother now that i know that she too is a victim, as a former scapegoat?

I DONT DO Anything right

@klarmy8824

Жыл бұрын

Me neither.

@christar9527

Жыл бұрын

I hear you and I understand. I know that I must be horrible because I’ve been hated and abused by everyone I knew.

@dakoderii4221

Жыл бұрын

So says the people far more flawed than yourself. Their perception does not equal reality.

There are two children in my family: my older brother and me. Why was I chosen as the scapegoat and not my brother?

What to do, however, when the adult child sought redemption by making permanent body changes (e.g., cosmetic surgery, gender reassignment)? Now, she understands the problem but there is no way to reverse the attempts at redemption.