I am nobody to no one. My mother made sure no one in her family knew me. That way when she pulled sh*t and blamed me, they all fell in line. 🤷

"Bad somebody, good nobody" is definitely the loop we're trapped in

I’m 62 and kind of overwhelmed w what could have been w this knowledge. It is like being locked in house and discovering the back door was unlocked the whole time.

@Bling874

8 ай бұрын

I hear you 💯. I'm 50, I feel so many years were wasted not knowing why I felt perpetual distress and loneliness. It's been an eye opener learning about this.

@Fefe559

7 ай бұрын

Not too far behind you (58) & yes - same- excellent description !

I am somebody to my cat, and I'm fine with that! :) The peace is so worth it.

My scapegoat "defective child" committed suicide 3 months ago. His "perfect, handsome, brilliant father" father constantly yelled, belittled, gaslit, criticized and snapped at my son. He spoke to him in a tone of utter contempt and he slowly eroded his own son's self esteem until my son believed it. He even said "I am nothing to no one". Then, after spending the day with his father, he went home & shot himself. He was 24.

@saturdayschild8535

Жыл бұрын

I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

@CShlaes

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, as well as what you must have gone through. May your son's memory be a blessing.

@Papi4.44

Жыл бұрын

His father is a demon. Rip to your son 🙏🏽

@SusanaXpeace2u

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry for your loss. x

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

A terrible tragedy, condolences to you at this time of fierce loss.

We should, as scapegoats, start a club, or a Facebook group, which possibly already exists, so we have support when we need it. My narcissists have me isolated from the world... ❤

@Nick-mt2yu

Жыл бұрын

I’m here for it 💪🏼❤

@smiler1327

Жыл бұрын

I am also isolated and find it difficult to explain this to others. They don't understand narcissism or why you've had to walk away. All they do is gaslight you and try to make you feel guilty for it.

@anag8010

Жыл бұрын

Mine too! But one day I’m gonna leave and never come back 💪 Love the group idea 🥰

@Devi-tg8fh

Жыл бұрын

No, once you really understand the relationship « mechanic “ of narcissist, it’s time to stop identifying with the scapegoat figure, you are someone else, you are more.

@anag8010

Жыл бұрын

@@Devi-tg8fh So true! I may always be the scapegoat to them, but that’s because they have no idea who I am. They actually don’t know anything about me. Which used to hurt. Now it’s a comfort… of sorts.

just yesterday i prayed just to get me through today. because the little girl worked so hard to get me here. and the me in the future needs me here today. i am someone to the me in the past and the me in the future. despite everything there was always a part of me that liked myself and knew my dad was sick. i was too young to do anything about it but i knew it was wrong.

@kelay626

5 ай бұрын

Same! ♥️

I cried while listening to this video. Camilla is me. My mother (the narcissist) criticized me because I'm intelligent, empathic, diligent, and curious. My mother couldn't bear the idea of me having what she always wanted for herself. She lives through my brother (the golden child) even though he is not all the things that she sees. I escaped the abuse by going not contact: I didn't block her but she is expecting me to call her and take care of her. I won't: I'll deal with my guilt in my therapy sessions. Thank you, Dr. Reid. I have your books and I watch your videos every week: they are a great reminder what I have survived.

@taniabluebell3099

Жыл бұрын

The guilt eventually fades. I’ve been no contact for 3 years. Once I started to feel sorry for the child version of me, that is when I began not to feel obligated towards my parents and siblings. Jonice Webb has a great book on childhood neglect. I learned through this book that I could identify abuse: what happened. It’s what didn’t happen in the form of neglect that made me reconsider my childhood. Not only did I experience neglect but I was parentified. I had a lot of responsibilities as a child. I thought it was my instinct. But instead I was conditioned to be available to my mom’s emotional needs. This role was relinquished once I began to separate myself from my mother during middle school. That’s when my role as scapegoat was cemented.

@shashi3072

5 ай бұрын

You did great👍

Wow...I am going back and forth... THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL..AND MOST BRUTALLY TRUTHFUL ASSESSMENTS OF HOW WE WERE FORCED TO LIVE.... TRULY ASTONISHING...

@NancyBrown1975

Жыл бұрын

Jay has great depth of insight into the pain we carry.

@elzasolefack2326

Жыл бұрын

@@NancyBrown1975.

@marycrowley1442

Жыл бұрын

Yes. We were forced into it. We would have never choose this for ourselves. In fact, I would never chose this for anyone.

@kelay626

5 ай бұрын

Agreed and my family of origin thinks the main narcissist/abuser, my “father”, is a victim and martyr and good person, a “hero”, ironically. Thats how sneaky he has always been. I feel he should be behind bars for what he has so pathologically done.

This video really resonated with me. I was a classic overachiever and gave my narcissistic parents plenty to brag about, so I was spared most of the outward abuse, but at the same time, they never celebrated me TO me. I was specifically told that getting all A's was "just what was expected." I did get the silent treatment from my mother when my choices didn't match hers, and she is probably still pissed that I quit being an attorney (like her father) and went back to school for a PhD in engineering and I had a successful career. I'm retired now and finally no contact for a year. I'm not sure I am officially a scapegoat, but I now realize that it is trauma that has caused me to be alone my whole life. I am currently working on understanding and healing myself, so that perhaps I can be something to a somebody or two. Thank you. I just bought your book.

WOW. "You either feel on high alert or sleepy around the abuser." My body SHUT DOWN the last time I saw my dad. He left early because I was falling asleep on my husband.

This is it.. I'm nobody to no one. The only way back in to the family would be if I ''agreed'' that they're perfect and I'm the problem (sensitive, paranoid, emotional). I tried to be heard. It didn't work, they just heaped more labels on me. I'm now ''angry'' because I had the expectation that I might be heard. No. Not yet. If ever. I guess it'll be never. It follows me to work. A couple of women decided to take a dislike to me and instead of doing anything about it, the boss took an easy route and decided i'd be sitting on my own handling online applications. So I never talk to colleagues or clients at work anymore. I didn't lean in to the role of outcast so next, from the top, my isolation was mandated by the boss.

Last night I was struggling to sleep. Something I don’t typically experience (falling asleep used to be an issue when I was in contact with my family). It might be the recent hoovering attempt that happened this past week. My dad contacted me. He’s been calling me for three years and all the voicemails go to blocked messages. This week he decided to email me and subsequently sent me a video of his garden on Google photos. I didn’t watch the video, but I saw the content based on the screen grab of the video. As I sat awake last night I decided it was to block my dad and other family members beyond just phone numbers. This included email and things like Google photos. I wanted to prevent another hoovering attempt that will distress me. As I made key word searches in my email to find everyone’s email addresses I inadvertently found journal entries I made from 2013 - 2015. I emailed those entries to myself. I was documenting all the emotional and physical abuse I experienced since relocating back to home city in New York in 2013. Yes. I was a woman in her early 30s still being assaulted by mom and later my younger sister. These journal entries distressed me last night yet it was a good reminder of what I escaped. I failed my first attempt at no contact during this period. It took lockdowns during 2020 when I finally recognized the family I had fantasized about did not exist. I confronted the truth that my family was not going to change. I would be the perpetual loser subjected to their abuse or silent treatment as long as I maintained a relationship with them. Since I left and gone no contact three years ago they’ve attempted to hoover me back in. All that is waiting for me if I return is more abuse and gaslighting in the form of denying what I experienced by their actions and neglect.

@decemberkat

Жыл бұрын

Stay strong! I promise it gets better and eventually you feel free from the abusers! Big Hugs!

@amyp4977

Жыл бұрын

❤

@dancinginthepurplereign4126

Жыл бұрын

I am so sorry you went through that. My family is exactly like that. I am 25 being beaten by my older sister. My younger sister would try to flex her superiority over me by pouring water on to me. When I fought back, she poured cockroch spray on to me and lied that I poured shampoo in her mouth My dad was there and he obviously took her side. Even when my older sister assaulted me, he took her side and would rub it on to my face by calling her out loud affectionately as though he was pleased by what she had done to me. It was a horrible way of living. Today marks 2 years No contact, now my dad is using money to try to hover me back. He's never given me money before.

@taniabluebell3099

Жыл бұрын

@@decemberkat Thank you. That is very kind. I joke that they “live in my head rent free”. Things have improved immensely for me since going no contact.

@taniabluebell3099

Жыл бұрын

@@dancinginthepurplereign4126 I’m sorry you experienced not only the emotional abuse and neglect, but the violence too. It was intermittent for me, the violence. But the threat of it was always there. What I find most disturbing was I was a grown adult still being punished like a child. It’s indicative of how the narcissist parent sees us. They infantilize us in all areas, even in how they abuse us. I’m glad you are no contact. It’s so patronizing that your dad thinks you will fall for his cheap attempts of hoovering. They are basic AF, no imagination. Using simple ineffective tactics to try to win us back. I guess in part, those tactics worked previously, because we accepted their crumbs all of ours lives.

Hi. In the last couple weeks I have come across the concepts of scapegoat and golden child. The weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders. The abuse/dysfunction in my family was so extreme it cost people their lives. I am experiencing so much relief and release. I am becoming whole. I am no longer a scapegoat!

Jay, your ability to express what so many of us would most likely never be able to put into words is uncanny. While there may be no substitute for therapy, your videos absolutely function as a salve.

@diatribe5

Жыл бұрын

And about therapy, it’s not encouraging when there are so many stories of people who got taken advantage of by their therapist, knowing they were in a weak spot.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

@@diatribe5I experienced therapy was very undermining for years… more abuse essentially

@sararichardson737

Жыл бұрын

Spot on.

@sararichardson737

Жыл бұрын

@@melliecrann-gaoth4789same x 3

@ekkamailax

Жыл бұрын

@@diatribe5the therapy profession attract narc abusers because it’s the perfect setup - they have you isolated all alone in a room, they have power over you under the guise of being a “professional.” Narcs absolutely love this because it’s so easy to get away with the abuse

The history teacher sounds like my father, an academic narcissist who actually could not reason but was absolutely convinced that he missed nothing.

This is why I could play the piano almost flawlessly when I was alone, for hours at a time in the little study rooms in college, but the moment my Narcissistic mother was there, listening, I made mistake after mistake, and would get all flustered to the point where I gave up. Going to school on the other side of the state, was freedom and allowed me to be myself...only, I ended up moving back home afterwards and undid it all.

@amberinthemist7912

Жыл бұрын

I got away and went back. Had 3 amazing years 6 hrs away from them. Then I got sucked back in and ended up working for my narc parents. Worst decisions of my life. I'm working now to try to get away again - hopefully by this Christmas. I keep getting stuck beating myself up for going back but I know that kind of shame and guilt will only help keep me stuck.

@shashi3072

5 ай бұрын

Guy's practice vipassana meditation. The process breaks toxic patterns in us that keeps us bound to these toxic environment. I promise you will have toxic people free life ahead even draw safe people to you. Best of luck.

How. Did. You. Know.

@soniahathaway1

Жыл бұрын

Jay is brilliant!

@deathuponusalll

Жыл бұрын

@@soniahathaway1he really is, he’s been thee most helpful resource I’ve found to gain so much in therapy thanks to him being about to articulate and put into words things I couldn’t or didn’t know how to say and help me out my therapist and myself on the same page from day one. Jay is brilliant

@jakecarlo9950

Жыл бұрын

RIGHT?!?!?

@memunadamore5479

11 ай бұрын

He’s so enlightening

@deathuponusalll

11 ай бұрын

@@memunadamore5479 absolutely, I am just now reading his book and understand why he knows the experience of growing up with a narcissistic parent so well. If he gets to read this thank you Mr. Reid your impact is more is more vast than you know sir.

I feel like you just explained why I always have this self-sabotaging part all my life. like I HAVE TO FAIL. I am afraid not too. wow! you just explained to me why I struggle so much with that! amazing

Don't challenge your parents for what they did to you. This just gives them supply and narcissistic satisfaction. Go no contact, and find space to grieve and heal. Find a professional who gets it when it comes to toxic abuse from parents. I have been no contact now with my family of origin for 4 years. It was very hard at the start but the rewards are immense. I finally got to know and love myself. I am so much more content in my life. I was finally able to get off all the antidepressants and anxiety pills. There is hope.

@LukiGames0

9 ай бұрын

This is the worst thing as nobody even belives you ...

@TheRalphie2020

8 ай бұрын

❤❤❤

Thank you Jay, you're so right about everything. It's so very true. I enjoy watching your videos. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am 47 female who is the oldest out of five children my parents had. I always been the black sheep in my family . I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is Love. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. I been a Christian for over ten years. I go support from my friends from church. Be careful not everyone who goes to church aren't True Christians. We know them by there Spirits If they are from God or not. Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. Narcissists are liars Narcissists never loved us at all Narcissists don't care about you at all Narcissists are broken people Narcissists are insecure people Narcissists are pure evil souls from the Devil Narcissists are fake and phony people.

@ileanaprofeanu7626

Жыл бұрын

​@@C12341I am so sorry you are going through this! I've struggled and still struggle with justice, forgiveness not so much, I simply did not forgive any of them, and there is no justice in this world overall. the only justice we have is that they are stuck being narcissistic, which is a horrible way of being despite their facade, and the enablers are stuck being themselves as well - losers without a back bone, too afraid to be who they are, I assure you enablers have a sad life as well + they deal with the narcisist and their abuse and suffer the consequences. if you are in a place with a lot of enablers & narcissists trust me they are all failing at life, regardless of appearancs - some enablers might wake up some day, but this is besides the point. I reccomend Dr Ramani's videos on justice and forgiveness, they are truly insightful

@cynthiae6230

Жыл бұрын

​@@C12341I'm sorry to hear what you are enduring. Keep praying for God to show you the way out. For myself, I felt that forgiveness was essential for my own well being. That's not the same as pretending or enabling. 🙏💝

@Spitfireseven

6 ай бұрын

I've been in some big churches. Shit load of Narcissists there, I can tell you that. They were the ones that urked me. They knew they were gonna get punched if they kept it up. Creeps with a bible don't get far with me.

Really struggling with stepping into success at this stage of life, so much anxiety. It's like the world will end if i stop hiding and underachieving

@diatribe5

Жыл бұрын

I can relate. When your formative years were constantly filled with being told how incapable and defective they thought you were, it’s hard not to internalize and end up as an underachiever. That’s me, and like the example given in this video, I’ve always tended to put things off until the deadline…maybe those raised in functional families might be last minute types for other reasons.

@lovesings2us

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your honesty and courage in sharing. I too feel quite challenged to step out of the underachiever role - like the world will end. But I've found I can sometimes take baby steps forward. I hope those of us who dream of being late bloomers can have compassion for ourselves when we realize the magnitude of the sick family system that misdirected us and slowed us down.

Nailed it right on the head! Either hated by the family, and when you shut that door you realize that you are no one to anybody. I wasn't sure if I could be called scapegoat, but last week on zoom my sister slipped and said "you know you all don't like her" and for your reference, She said that because I wasn't sharing none stop like a trained monkey. I had made up my mind to hear them, but not share. I wish there was a way to talk to other people who are in the same place.

It is SO strange....I actually got it down to the few minutes I took either after school..where I was liked and respected..or in summer the nursery where I volunteered and was LOVED and respected... I would get "home" exhausted. and had a whole shift of work ahead..I would get a "Tab" out of the fridge..my only indulgence I bought for myself.. sat on the edge of a stool in the little kitchen..that was pretty much MY room... The late afternoon sun was shining in to my right... My "mother" was not home yet... my sisters were not yet whining for a snack.. Those few moments were my transition time... I HAD to put on the yoke...and hope the abuse was tolerable... I had to get ready for the screaming...maybe even having to take a knife out of my "mother's " hand....every night was different and yet the same.... And this was the price I had to pay to just have a place to live..... and THIS was after a lifetime of COMPLETE unpredictability from that psycho... I felt for a few years like I could survive..

Thank you so much for this explanation. I’ve been struggling to understand why it feels so difficult to feel good about myself despite knowing rationally that it was my father and the family system that was the problem, not me. People tell me I’m talented and intelligent and a good person, but on some deeper level I’ve always felt that it somehow can’t be true. The dread of being nobody to nobody. Finally a clear explanation of this. Thank you.

@rt42eirw496

9 ай бұрын

These could be my words. Besides finding it difficult to truly overcome the deep feeling of worthlessness (at least when in the company of my family members) I feel sad because I can now see what I've lost. At 40+ it hurts to think of all the steps not taken in life because of having felt so bad about oneself for no reason.

Thank you so much Jay. Finally someone gets it! Be nobody to no one. After 35 years of therapy NOT one of the 25+ therapists I saw understood this. And the tens of thousands of dollars I paid them…, Horrible!

This is REMARKABLE!!!!!!!!!! I swear this finally explained to me in my 58th year why I sabotage myself all the time! Amazing. I listen to this over & over - most revealing video I EVER HEARD ❤❤

Becoming nobody to no one was my first step in my spiritual journey. Now at the age of 71 having survived a narcissistic mother and 4 narcissistic husbands (the last having been introduced to me but the therapist I was seeing for the abuse I incurred from the 3rd) I have found freedom in knowing that my well being needs no one. Today I honor the journey I have taken and am at peace in my isolation.

This child is age 57. I’m trying to recover from a dangerous childhood. They refuse to recognize or apologize for the beatings or emotional abandonment. I am one of 6 kids, 3rd daughter out of 4 daughters, my mom would take the 3 of them everywhere with her while I would be standing on the driveway crying and begging to go. My evil, narcissistic mom groomed her Flying Monkeys to treat me as an outsider. To this day, those bitches all spend time together and I have NEVER, in my entire life, have ever been anywhere or even invited to do anything with them. I have accepted being kicked to the curb. At my age and having a clear understanding of my years of abuse and abandonment, I have cut them all off except for my crappy parents who are in their mid-80’s. It is extremely limited contact. My crappy parents allow their bitch kids to be absolutely cruel to me to the point of sport. “I’m the problem, I’m the issue, I’m the show-off” Tell you what, I’ve been gifted by to God see injustice and through their bullshit. Because I fought back, I was hated worse!!! As a grown woman, I have the power to walk away although I still have to live with the scars of emotional and physical damage 😡

@karenlowther9961

7 ай бұрын

I think you may be my “twin”! I too am 57 yo and trying to sort out all of the same issues you are experiencing. I wish you much success in your journey!

@lipstickprincess1

2 ай бұрын

@@karenlowther9961 That’s really nice, thank you for your compassion and I hope your journey goes well .

@lipstickprincess1

2 ай бұрын

@@martylynch4439 thank you so much, I can’t say things are a lot better now since I’m 100% no contact. I can actually breathe. 🙏🙏

Years ago I knew I'll never be someone to anyone. So I'm a Nobody who cares, instead of a Somebody who doesn't.

Living result of this.

@jacquelinevandermade8428

Жыл бұрын

Me2

@MrJabberwokki

Жыл бұрын

Same... 😢

@ProductionCowbell

Жыл бұрын

Me3

@CurtisMoe

Ай бұрын

Same2

Thank you so much Jay for posting This message. It is so true that the narcisistic parents punished us for feeling good, being proud of ourselves and being authentic so they trained us to minimise ourselves and our achievements and programmed us to be codependent. If we want to heal, we need to find safe people who would hear and see us and appreciate us for who we are, who would celebrate our accomplishments and respectfully appreciate our presence in their lives. It is time to become a somebody rather than a nobody! 😊

I still suffer from being no one to nobody

Thank you Jay you’re videos made aware of my role in my face and why I’ve been suffering so much for so long. I am just so mad and are still struggling to gain my balance after I lost everybody in my Narc family as well as my husband. It’s been devastating having to let them all go including friends because off the scapegoat dynamic 😢

@taniabluebell3099

Жыл бұрын

I’m three years in… no contact. You got this! You’re experiencing mourning for the loss. Except now you realize you’ve only gained because they have been deadweights in your life Choosing yourself in the form of no contact is a great jumpstart to healing

It’s weird because, speaking as an adult child, in my late 50s, although I’ve done well and don’t have a lot of issues and my mother passed last year, I do know I have a certain amount of invisibility societally. What I mean is that, even though I feel strong within myself, I am aware that some people see me as sort of invisible, because I no longer have a family and, worse yet, of my own volition. They’d better get used to it though. A lot of people don’t have family and don’t out of choice.

@Janis_Even

Жыл бұрын

"of my own voilition" I am also in my 50 and have a covert narcissistic mother. She is still alive and 88 years old. She tries to reach me. She phoned me yesterday. And I never pick up. It feels strange that I have to look at her as if she has already passed away. But I have to ignore her. My siblings scapegoated me as well while growing up. Every time I would get it in contact, I would be in the scapegoat role. So I also have 0 contact. Also, by choice. The worst thing is now that I have to realize that they also included my daughter in their narrative. ...that the narcissist continues her programming. Wish you a good healing. The subconscious belief is overwritten with the self-selected belief.

@privateprivate8366

Жыл бұрын

@@Janis_Even yeah, if you feel anything for yourself, the only choice you have, if you can do so, is to leave. But, as you can see, there’s no lack of punishment from society. I still consider that, had I stayed, between what I saw with my mother and my super-enabling sister, because I was seen as both scapegoat and fixer, they’d have run roughshod through my life and I’d be either destitute or dead. Doesn’t mean much against the wave of what I’ve experienced. But, at least I have one relative who told me that I actually left to save my life. That is exactly right, with the exception of the fact that I also left to save my mother and sister. When you know that you have 2 people, who are dedicated to making really bad decisions, one’s that may even be deadly for your mother, you really can’t participate in that. When you know they’re in agreement that you’ll be used and abused, in that effort, it’s time for you to get going. Especially, when you know you’re the type to ensure everyone lives in Hell, if you have to. Wasn’t safe for anyone.

@Janis_Even

Жыл бұрын

@@privateprivate8366 yes, well said.

Oh my God. You’ve explained my subconscious MO. How is it none of the 4 psychologists I’ve had ever illuminated these very clarifying factors that formed the basis of my childhood. Thank goodness for YT and thank you for your offerings., You’re saving many souls.

I learned to feel ok about myself in the woods. I love camping and hiking. Nature is very real and does not intentionally hurt you, but surrounds you with beauty and awe.

Jay this is me in many ways. The saddest is that I "knew" I must not be a loving person or mother. Those doors were always closed for me.

The either/or choice of being a scapegoat or a nothing is new to me. Being nothing to no one was apparently my solution, certainly the less I needed or asked for from my parents, the happier they were. My "friends" have been content with that, also; I can't recall too many that didn't come to that as their desired form of relationship with me. It's just something for me to think on.

Wow! Thank you, Jay, for sharing your brilliant understanding of the dilemma scapegoat children face. It reminds me of the line from Hamlet - "To be or not to be, that is the question," which could be paraphrased "To be my true self or not to be my true self, that is the question." Your words are like powerful, sacred light to me - permeating the awful garbage I internalized as the scapegoat in my family and slowly, persistently, freeing me. I feel an amazing depth of awe and fresh hope in response to the truths revealed in this video. By the way, I'm 68 years old - grateful to have survived the egregious group dynamics in my family which continue to this day, yet still sometimes I struggle.

Thanks Jay, spot on, as always. I think there are two healing strategies for this. As you pointed out, it is important to have compassion for your younger self, who couldn't make sense of it all, and had to become a scapegoat, and identify with that role, in order to survive. The second thing seems to me the ability and practice of giving to others what we never received ourselves. I have found this to be healing myself. I made a conscious effort not to let my son go through what my narcissistic father put me through. This has contributed to his thriving. I absolutely didn't want him to have to spend so many years just healing from trauma inflicted upon him in his youth. I feel that I have succeeded at this, and count this among the best things I have done in my life. I myself have sabotaged myself during decades, whenever succes was on the horizon. It somehow felt really dangerous for me to succeed. My son doesn't have this superfluous problem at all. He does whatever he wants and is good at, to his benifice and that of others. I managed to stop passing on the sickness, and feel a quiet satisfaction because of what I accomplished.

@diatribe5

Жыл бұрын

This is commendable. Some survivors go on to repeat the toxic pattern to their kids, and others like myself had been afraid to be parents because we didn’t trust ourselves with the ability to break the cycle of abuse, and some of us also feel that we can’t handle the kind of responsibility that comes with being a parent, and can barely handle taking care of ourselves. You’ve set a fine example.

@cultivarcultivar

Жыл бұрын

Good for you! This is my goal for my child if I have any: someone who is natural and has no existential dilemma.

@FreyaGem

Жыл бұрын

Bless you for ending the generational trauma...seeing our kids thrive is about as good as it gets! ❤

@karenlowther9961

7 ай бұрын

Your words are very healing to me! I feel the same about my 33 yo daughter. She doesn’t have them same triggers or fear that I have. I applaud you for your confidence and hopefully I can allow myself some credit for my daughters success. Ty

Wow. Feeling invisible and unreal but still having to live. Thank you for articulating that for me.

I accept they were always the worst way possible with me and I was the best way possible to them. It was right and righteous to them. But the Truth is much better and nicer than that! Thank You, Jay!!👍🌞✨

Unfortunately this BS continues without end in my family - three years no contact - what a choice

Thank you Jay for describing something I experienced for years but had no one to confide in or words to describe. ‘The knowing that I was no one to nobody.’ No wonder that I felt and thought that there was no value in being alive so often. Thank you for your good work.

@lapislazuliphoenix

6 ай бұрын

I was nobody to no one, dealing with my mother. I was invisible, or in trouble. It was just the reality of my life, day to day existence. She made me feel like I was nothing, over and over again. That was from 16-26, life feeling like everything was wrong with me, no one would ever want me in their life, as friend or mate. Married an ex-con I met at tech school because I just thought he needed love. He was caught and put back in prison after barely 3 months. I stood up for myself once, initiating a "conversation" of how much he was hurting me by not seeming to care, and he kicked the bathroom door in towards me, barely missing my pregnant belly! Then I really yelled at him, because I was protecting someone else, not me. Anyway that was nearly 30 years ago and it has been a Non-Stop journey trying to find my self-worth! Jay's videos about his 1st pillar made me realize mom was a narc. I think I found them one to two years ago and they have helped my growth immensely! I also found someone who loves and accepts me and gives me a safe space to find those hurt parts of myself. I'm just barely looking into IFS, and trying to recreate a relationship with my inner child(ren). I hope you find what works for you because they make our lives miserable until we realize it was all a lie in the first place, damn them to hell!! You were wonderful, you are wonderful you have always been wonderful! ❤ There are so many narcissist videos explanations and channels on KZread they've been my lifesaver. I wish you the best! 🤗

@clemchirpich4907

6 ай бұрын

Thank you for telling your truth of surviving your parent and an abusive partner. My best wishes to you as you continue on your personal journey.

I rewatched this video over and over again. At first to because I just couldn’t process it but after to soothe. Words I could not place in order. Thank you from given us survivors a bit more of our humanity back. I don’t think people realize how what it actually means to go through narcissistic/mental/emotional abuse. How a part from yourself and everything it makes you. You cant prove it and even if you did they’d find some way to shame you in the end… It’s a useless war to fight. I could go on but ya’ll get it. Rewatching again. Thank you for your work.

Having gone no contact with my family and settled into a safe peaceful life, I find that there are other narcs coming into my life through work etc that display the same characteristics and behaviours. It’s exhausting!

It’s in bred feeling of nothing to nobody, no matter what I achieve. Then I felt like f it, I deserve something way simpler and easier, and lost everything I’d always worked for. I’m trying so hard again to keep head up and work hard yet every which way I turn I’m facing evils. It feels horrid. I keep telling myself I’m worthy, I belong here, I’m alright, everything will be ok, but it’s not.

This is so well done. The synthesis of attachment theory and narcissistic personality organization, combined with a compassionate phenomenology, is really a gift. Thank you very much.

@dawnkikong637

Жыл бұрын

He's the best.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

@@dawnkikong637yes

Phew tough one. It hurts to be somebody to someone. "Entertaining positive appraisals" might actually work🤣

Don't forget the impact of Golden Child siblings on Scapegoated kids. We are pitted against each other and only one is allowed to win. And it is never the Scapegoat.

Thank you, Jay. I know that if I brought up any of these issues and confronted my father with them he'd be in complete denial that he ever treated me in such a way. He does have a selective memory, remembering bad things that have happened to him, holding onto grudges for ridiculous amounts of time, but always managing to forget anything he's done nothing to anyone else. The day after a nasty argument he'd always behave as though nothing had happened, which would drive me insane, as he'd "act" as though everything was perfect, nothing could be better, despite my still getting over what had been said or done the night before (probably the same for my mother, from what I recall.) He remembers what's beneficial for him. Anyway, I suppose confronting him isn't really the point of this exercise, but it still eats away at me.

I would like to know why my sister, who had two children, a girl and a boy, made her son the "Golden child." My brother was the "Golden child" in my family, and she hated it. In my opinion, she turned out far worse than my mother. She was arrested in her 20's for beating her mother up, and then she poisoned her after she got her to change her will leaving her the house. I don't know if this is bad karma, but her 35-year-old son was hit and killed walking a few weeks ago. My mother also hated her brother being the "Golden child" in her family, but she does the very same thing by making her son the "Golden child." Pure insanity!! My mother hated her mother but she would've never beat her up or poisoned her. In fact, she was with her the entire time she was in the hospital before she passed away.

Thank you for this. Just when I think I've heard it all, you go and put it into words to really get to something I understood but needed a deeper look at. Several things about the words you used in this video resonates more than some other explanations of this particular phenomenon in my life, and helped get a bit more clarity on my own tendencies and the abusers mindset. The compassion piece is so spot on, definitely a huge need that was never met.

This video is exactly whats happening to me when i told my "family" about the narc abuse from my dad everyone rolled their eyes and told me that it wasnt a big deal or im over exaggerating or they said i dont know what im talking about. You described this exactly. Im still surviving these abuses at worj and at home 24/7

@TheQueensWish

6 ай бұрын

There are narcissistic family systems. A good sign of this is how they rolled their eyes. There was no support or empathy and no back up. Instead they gaslight you, causing you to doubt your experience in the household is real. It is real. It’s important to understand you cannot fix them. Stay in your energy, stay in the first person.

Living in defiance of parents rules is not the last step. That would mean you’re still defined by the parent in some way. The final step is being so far removed from them that you don’t even know what’s their rules are anymore.

I'm 76 years old and this is the first time in my life that scape goating is talked about and gives validation for what I suffered all my life. Thank you for this Finally being brought out. It is an epidemic in this country.

@cueyourmom9049

Ай бұрын

I am trying to figure out WHY it is an epidemic in society.

I just want to say thank you so much for your work. Your videos have helped me and some of my loved ones immensely

I'm not sure how, but in my family, it's not my parents, but my older brother and his wife are the narcs. They try to make me the scapegoat. This dynamic has only evolved in the past 15 years. I'm 44. It wasn't a factor in our childhood. I wish I could understand it. But he and his wife have turned all my siblings against me and are trying to kick me out of the family business while trying to build a narrative that I have a mental problem and am abusive parent...all lies. But their rage and disconnect from reality keeps escalating. I just need wisdom how to deal with this.

@limitedtime5471

Жыл бұрын

You might want to revisit your parents behavior growing up. If all siblings turned against you? They were looking for a reason to be against you. A healthy family wouldn't be doing that

@saturdayschild8535

Жыл бұрын

I hope you’re documenting their behavior and consulting legal help. These things get ugly. I watched similar with my dad and his siblings. All narcs. They were trying to disinherit each other.

@diatribe5

Жыл бұрын

Actually, this stuff can occur in adulthood, especially in work environments and with inconsiderate neighbors. This is the first I’ve read about it being among relatives, but my guess is that because it’s a family business, it could be akin to office politics and power plays. I’m a survivor of childhood abuse from my parents and bullying from everyone else, including a number of teachers who singled me out. The teacher problem went away once I was in private school. But as an adult, estranged from my relatives, I’ve been no stranger to narcissistic bosses and how they’ve turned coworkers against me, as well as 3 different neighbors who made my life miserable. There are good people out there, but they seem hard to find.

To be nobody to no one. I had a boyfriend once ask me why I talked to my family given how badly they treated me. I could only say "if I don't have them then I have no family". I've kept keepsakes from childhood that held bad memories - for decades. I got rid of them recently. But I kept them for similar reasons - if I only kept good reminders of my childhood I wouldn't have any memories at all.

5:16 this is the golden connection. It explains it so well. I felt this with my aunt who was my mother figure after my mom passed away. It was always a hot/cold relationship. She made me feel loved and worthy of some things but rejection/critique was always right around the corner in other matters.

@deebee843

12 күн бұрын

Same, but jealous at the same time.

As my mother and her friends told me…”.nobody likes u” as if I cared whether they like me or not…they’re losers who have to have someone to scapegoat for all of their mistakes and flaws

@user-hu7gc1xp2n

5 ай бұрын

Your mother sounds like a terrible person who never should have said that

I’ve said this in comments before and I’m going to say it again. Te way you articulate all of this is brilliant. Thank you for these videos. It’s difficult to talk about any of this with anyone including a lot of therapists. Your videos help make sense to f my relationship with my father. Thank you!

My parents always called it, having no one and nothing. Or rather I would have no one and nothing. Which was also pretty funny to them. Definitely worth a good laugh 👍

Love your book. Its helped so much. Right now, my sister and i are primary caregiver for our mother. Fortunately, she's COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: Kind, grateful, sweet, easy ro be around. Growing up was a living hell, but i finally have the mother i always wanted.

@HeartFeltGesture

Жыл бұрын

What changed your mother? Dependency humbled her?

@Daysleeper1000

Жыл бұрын

@@HeartFeltGesture it's the dementia. She has vascular dementia. And it can go in a variety of different ways. She's the complete opposite 180° difference from my childhood. Is very strange. And it is surreal. I can't explain it. But I do know that as an empath, I can't turn my back. You know, being the scapegoat of my family at the hands of my mother taught me compassion, sympathy and empathy. For that, I'm grateful. My sister and I team up to get the job done, and talk out the irony how WE have compassion for vulnerable parent, yet we RARELY EVER were given the respect, dignity, love and compassion as dependent children. We're not martyrs, we're just honoring our parents, as we are commanded to do so. Thankfully, my sister and I support each other, and we both have strong friendships helping us maintain our sanity. ETA: my mom's no longer a phony. Her feelings are genuine and real, not fawning phony baloney manipulative BS.

@amberinthemist7912

Жыл бұрын

This happened to my mom as well. Her Alzheimers is so advanced she can't really remember what she used to be. She watches a lot of tv and knows how mothers act from there. I knew her memory had gotten really bad in 2020. After hanging out for several hours with no snarky insults she hugged me goodbye and said "i love you" in the most casual tone like it was totally normal. It was so different that it was jarring.

Wow your right on, scapegoats sometimes feel comfortable not being seen just being alone, because if they try and tell the narcissist parent about Their successful endeavors that may be in progress, they’d wish they never did as the 🎈 gets popped, its the scapegoats kryptonite why do we keep going back to lex luther😂

Hey, thank you for this. Does it apply to an only child of a narcissistic mother ? I think we’re being projected all the different roles at once so our identity become confused

WOW! Jay did you hit the nail on the head with myself in growing up around my parents in explaining their behavior towards me as well as others as so many things now understand perfectly why they did the things that they did despite as sad as it is to learn the root cause and dynamics of their interactions in always wanting to elevate their status in beating me down like a dog as well as their behavior towards others. Thank you very much for this clip as another piece of the puzzle fits right into place in my mind!

@diatribe5

Жыл бұрын

There were so many eyes opening “aha” moments in this video.

Thanks so much Mr. Reid, for explaining this.. I always wondered why I felt as if I were doing something wrong when I felt myself growing in certain ways….(working -out, returning to school, spiritual growth, etc..). I was an intelligent student in high school and despite my upbringing I made it through college and graduate school…. But my parents couldn’t seem to do anything but find fault… Things are a lot more clear now ~

This is the essence of a trauma bond. Thank you Jay. 😃

I have always wondered why as a child, whenever somebody such as my grandparents or teachers (not my parents) said I was good at something, I stopped doing it. This video explains my experience to the T.

This is the type of home I grew up in. I always felt like something was wrong with reality when home but couldn't pin it down other than my parents lied about everything.

Like 8 months ago I click on one of your videos that had scapegoat something on the title! No one ever before explain my life so well! Im 42 years old. I never ever heard this term before your videos! it has been the most transformative 8 months of my life! Life is a before and after this information. I can´t remember which one was the first video I saw on your channel but every word that came out of your mouth was so reveling that it was even hard to continue watching because it was to much to bare and too painful ... I have watched so many other videos and channels and books but it was a while I couldnt come back to this specific channel! This video today again describes too accuretly how my reality has been for so long but I never had the words to explain it so well! Thank you!!!

Thanks, Jay! You're a light in the dark, man. This recovery is fucking hard!!!

I ended up in a long abusive relationship with my therapist. He needed to criticise & resent everything I did & my attention to my family ( I'm a widowed mother). My successes were minimised because he had done it all already, so I was " wasting my time" Even 6 years after leaving him, the hoovering/diminishing/ devaluing/ rejecting/ blocking pattern is continuing. My alternative views ( especially on the " current world issues" ) are a huge threat to his ego & he rages at me & ridicules me & my friends. I'm still struggling at 64 to feel compassionate & good about myself. I was never validated by my Catholic emotionally immature parents. I have recently been scapegoated by 2 controlling people in our " awake community" for asking for a peace mediation on behalf of someone else. Being traumatised has made me hyper aware of others' hypocrisy, but vulnerable to more abuse & scapegoating if I call people on their behaviour. I struggle to care for myself consistently and end up in a disorganised and cluttered state because of the trauma. My 'ex' criticises me for this too 😢

This sounds like my neighbors family, almost exactly. Wow. Good topic!

@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse

8 ай бұрын

Thanks for watching!

I can’t thank you enough for this validating information. My mother really controlled my entire life and no matter how much healing I did people in my local town would put me in a box. It really isn’t fair I have other interests not just being labeled a scapegoat thank you very much. I am making plans to move to a city where no one knows me, I can’t wait to start over.

That is the dilemma. And also to other narcissists like siblings. Its act in the role they want you in or experience their anger. They’ll have contempt for you regardless so that part doesn’t change. Don’t speak up, don’t voice an alternate opinion God forbid!

I love your videos Jay! They're packed with insights and therefore Healing. Thank you and keep sharing your wisdom.

I want to say so many things, but I just can't, I can't find the strength or words so just...❤💐

Wow. Thank you! At the age of 48 going through this…🙏🏻🙏🏻

@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse

8 ай бұрын

You are so welcome

i choose a good somebody to nobody just because good always wins easy. A bad somebody is just taking a L. everyday is like losing.

YES!!! I've wondered why it's so hard for me to feel good. Thank you, Jay.

Thank you for your book and your pillars of healing, I think they are important. They have greatly expanded my understanding of my role as the scapegoat, and they encourage me to keep peeling off the scapegoat costume one compassionate, courageous bit at a time.

@taniabluebell3099

Жыл бұрын

💙

@ginaiosef

Жыл бұрын

We've survived, haven't we?🎉❤

My god, you are right. I was the scapegoat in all my friendships, too. Was.

Thank you, @jreid When you mentioned that Camilla had fear of success something clicked. Most of the time, if I did something successfully, I was verbally praised, but then anything that I had earned from my effort was promptly ripped away from me and handed to the golden child, (especially if it was really important to me). If i protested, I was told how selfish, (and therefore unworthy of my own creations), I was. Thus, (with a few exceptions), every success was almost immediately turned into an unrewarding failure, from a practical standpoint. We couldn't show much overt anger, so I spent much of my time seething under the surface due to this. It felt worse to earn something and lose it that way, than it felt to not bother, in the first place. It felt as if the only way that I could be "somebody to someone," was to be used as an easy "resource" for the golden child. I resented that.

You have a calm voice and bf blue eyes. Your videos give tools and I am thankful for that.

Feels like I never get to feel good because everywhere I go I feel psychologically invisible to everybody and it's so hard because I'm 34 but this feeling follows me around most of my life and now I have a distorted mind from years of neglect and the narcissistic abuse. I never had Valentine's Day yet and I never had any day that was about me. 😫😪

You are brilliant. That was the best articulation of how I was raised I have ever heard. I feel so relieved and understood. You have also validated my experience growing up. You have given me new hope for recovering. Thank you for the work you are doing. New subscriber.

@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse

9 ай бұрын

Wow, thank you!

❤l Thank you! You are so right!

Your videos show deep understanding of narcissistic abuse. I am often surprised at the depth of your comments, and I experience so many "aha" moments when I hear youbtalk.

Kinda surprised that I haven't left a comment on this one yet because this is a major issue for me. It's like an existential crisis. The victim has never been acknowledged or accepted, supported by their primary caregiver. And of course we intellectually know that the world, society won't care for our needs. So it's like I feel like an illness, like an anomaly, something noone wants, feels like we don't fit into this world. It's like a profound loneliness. And that's fine you know, it's just the world doesn't like to operate with people who are alone. So we're set back in multiple ways. Yeah, our issue is complex, it's not like you can explain it and then there's a solution to it.

This is kind of a Catch 22 situation. From my experience, you have to accept being nobody to nobody for a time in order to separate yourself from the narcissistic system. I'm almost 40 and I still can't do it, and my life is passing me by.

So interesting. Similar story and as soon as I left home I stopped procrastinating in school work.

@pearpo

11 ай бұрын

My parents were actually extremely talented but not skilled at parenting.

Her father was a cerebral narcissistic. I learned about this just yesterday.

I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR THIS FOR A VERY LONG TIME. Thank you

I was nobody to no one. This cemented my parents relationship as established before parenthood

@4Beats4Me

Жыл бұрын

Years later, I should have been grateful upon Mom's refusal to attend my wedding. No comment from Dad. Crushing confusion. No extended family any longer.

That's so true and so hard to overcome..,❤️🌟

Thank you for putting words to my experience. Gratitude

Thank you for putting my pain into words.