Someone told me I was scapegoated not because I was hard to love, but because I was hard to brainwash. I did spend decades trying to flee myself. Thank you.

@kobra4422

Жыл бұрын

That's powerful!

@kiskakuznetsova503

Жыл бұрын

This, this, this! I had a print who used to tell me that I had an inability to love, which is a weird thing to tell a child, but it makes sense if you know about narcs and projection. They knew they were inadequate (putting it nicely) and had to project. I notice that with scapegoaters/abusers, they often get offended by our commitment to reality. It isn't their reality so it's a threat.

@annewoods3528

Жыл бұрын

@@kobra4422 In Jay's book, he said scapegoat kid was usually chosen because they are tough. This is also true with me. I have found myself playing the role of canary in the mine, or the kid who exclaimed that the emperor had no clothes on, many times in my life. It's lonely role but I prefer it than been a sheep.

@fredhubbard7210

Жыл бұрын

Increasingly, I'm thinking we are scapegoated not because we are "bad" but because we are good, because we can exercise self restraint, compassion, and self reflection... All the things they are missing. When we have a moral core that they both wish for, and cannot understand.

@kiskakuznetsova503

Жыл бұрын

@@fredhubbard7210 Yes, they know that they are incomplete.

I adopted her attitude towards me about being worthless but covered it up with humor. When someone came along who actually saw and loved me, I felt repulsed by them. It was like I thought, "If you love me, you must be even more worthless than I am!" Now in a healthy relationship, I find deeper layers of this stuff keep coming up for healing. Finding my voice. Love and appreciate all your videos Jay!

@Charmenda

Жыл бұрын

How did you get to the point were you ended up in a healthy relationship? Did you do anything in particular?

@denisemorris5583

Жыл бұрын

Oh my goodness, this therapist is brilliant! And clearly speaks to me too. THANK YOU Jay Reid. You have unearthed more crud in my deep psyche, and in nature this stuff transforms ultimately to diamonds. This gem receives images of the world around it, and reflects it back unadulterated. This will be my image for a therapeutic goal.

@vickimann3262

9 ай бұрын

That is interesting as I find all narc personalities repulsive. Are you sure he wasn't one

@nicholecornes1915

4 ай бұрын

Your a jewel

@donwalker117

4 ай бұрын

I knew flight mode was my go. But his take makes sense of why it's there that's really understandable. I'm still running from a danger that's gone. Maybe with this insight I can integrate this

This was perfect timing. I was talking to my therapist yesterday about this exact thing. My parents worked very hard to break down my sense of intuition and confidence in myself. I had to run absolutely everything by my parents before I could act on anything I wanted for myself. If I did something without consulting them it was a huge offense and "disrespect" to them. By the time I was a teenager I was no longer able to see my life through my own eyes anymore. I was judging myself through my parents' eyes instead. And they were able to control me as they pleased, I gave up no resistance. I wasn't living my life. Reclaiming control over my life and learning how to be the judge of myself has been incredibly hard and a lot of grief and anger has come up around understanding this dynamic.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Serena Atallah. Sounds like you have a therapist who is ethical and competent. I experienced the opposite

@serenaatallah641

Жыл бұрын

@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 I've been really lucky with the therapists I've had in person. My online therapists though...didn't have so much luck there. It takes time to find the right person. Don't give up!

@emmalouie1663

Жыл бұрын

emotionally stunted parents do a lot of damage to their kids, sometimes I feel bad for my parents even after they've discarded me, put me in bad situations, ignored me, etc. I still feel guilty...for not going along with them, I judge myself through other people's eyes as well, all the negative stuff really sticks

@JaneMay2024

Жыл бұрын

@@emmalouie1663Intergenerational Trauma

@Thysta

11 ай бұрын

"My parents worked very hard to break down my sense of intuition and confidence in myself." That is something controlling parents love to do. They don't want to "lose you", they are envious of your confidence and individuality, so it threatens them on many levels.

I've read the book. It's excellent at decoding the abuse and what happened, especially understanding that there was literally nowhere to go and tolerating and believing some of the messages was the very thing that saved me. Still get stuck in them sometimes. I was the scapegoat who called my mom narc on her BS as a preschooler. That made it harder but it did saved me some of my emotional sovereignty later, so that I could leave the family system. I'm 65 and recently sent a cut off letter.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Great description emotional sovereignty

@whereisyourhumanity7557

3 ай бұрын

Similar. I called out the abuse as a youngster. It did make it harder, but I got to keep my sense of self. Abused, battered, bruised in self-worth...but still my self.

@andreagascoigne6735

3 ай бұрын

​@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 - yesss - that's exactly what I was going to write : emotional sovereignty - brilliant phrase - and something to work towards. 👏 👏👏👏👍👍👍

Thank you! "Stay close to me so I can hurt you" We are the champions of survivorship -- and we were children -- and yet the paradox is that we have to struggle to live for ourselves as adults. My family and their satellites could not let me go. They had to have a young person to verbally, emotionally, physically and financially abuse. I cannot imagine having this much hate and insecurity in my heart. What disgusting "parents" these people are. Funny how so many are happy to go to their graves as liars and frauds. You can tell that all they care about is how they feel because they know the truth will come out once they're dead. They are so selfish they don't care about the fall out for the living, like their coconspirators, they just want to save face and nothing else matters.

@moirabij734

Жыл бұрын

I relate to this fully.

@user-zy8gk2nn7d

Жыл бұрын

there is no forgivness for those "parents" - and those narcs do not want any. narcs mulitply only to have victims who can not escape

@kiskakuznetsova503

Жыл бұрын

@@user-zy8gk2nn7d Very, very true!

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

@@kiskakuznetsova503 your post is very good - clear points I can so relate to and are not what happens elsewhere. Thanks

@healingandgrowth-infp4677

Жыл бұрын

This makes sense to me more now in that my abusers never wanted me to grow up the older I got the younger they treated me

This is a deep point, and may explain those of us who are socially avoidant. It's too tiring to live in so many others' heads. I just bought Jay's new audiobook. I'm sure I'll enjoy it.

@therealdeal3672

Жыл бұрын

This!

@raiferobson4443

5 ай бұрын

Its anticipating rejection in everybody through the original criticism, rejection and shaming. Then in every situation triggering those defences through the belief that we are always wrong. @@therealdeal3672

I was not only adopting my mother's mind, after marriage I was adopting my mother in laws. That's why we need to stop their abuse. We subconsciously keep continuing to suffer.

Thank you so much. Even after decades and many years of therapy I still feel "bossed around by other people's expectations" and find myself "living through the eyes of others". I didn't even have to come up with those basic thoughts myself, my mother said: "never talk back to your father" ... "your father is always right" ... "he is the most important person in the house".

I recently realized in talking with a dear friend. The process the mentally ill parent uses is equivalent to Identity Theft.

@traweler155

Жыл бұрын

The narc. treats his/her child as an extension of him/herself.... So there is no space for that identity.

@203blessings

Жыл бұрын

@@traweler155 I was comparing it to Identity Theft where a person steals a person's reputation, credit rating, bank account etc... They don't physically become the identity they stole, they take all the value the identity represents. Illustrating the illusion that is created.

@whereisyourhumanity7557

3 ай бұрын

The fact that they treat the child as an extension of self proves that they steal their identity.@@traweler155

This is sad but true. My mother seemed to like me better when I subconsciously " dumbed myself down" or if I was being a clown. But if I acted like myself which is the opposite, problems between mom, golden child and me would start. They seemed to "like me better when I carried myself as a lesser person who had no opinions or my own interests, hobbies or talents....I watered myself down or dimmed my light on purpose & sometimes subconsciously when I was around either of them so that they'd treat me better.. According to them, " I am stupid and talentless" Thanks again Jay. Great video!!!

@healingandgrowth-infp4677

Жыл бұрын

I learnt from it all not just done by them but I was surrounded by narcs throughout my young life but I learnt to be ashamed of who I am my independence liked dislikes talents etc shame n worthlessness is something I can’t seem to unlearn

@whereisyourhumanity7557

3 ай бұрын

"why can't you be more like your sister?" "don't you dare try to look as good as your sister!"

I managed to escape for 2 years by living with my grandmother. Unfortunately, during that period, I noticed during my visits to my parents house that they seemed happier, that they had fancier things, children's food (yep!) and at the end of those two years, well, I ended up wanting to go back with them because they seemed to be doing better and like all kids, I just wanted to be loved by my parents. Huge mistake, they were even more horrible, I've been told several times that it was so much better when I wasn't there, even by my siblings. I couldn't go back because my grandmother became ill and died a couple of years later, creating a gape in my heart, and that gape was made larger by my parents denying me the right to go to my grandma's funeral because I'd have to miss school. I'm 40 and I'm still mad at myself for going back to them and even more mad at them for treating my grandmother's death as if it didn't concern me when she gave me the 2 happiest years of my childhood and allowed me to be a careless child. Love you grandma 🥺

@whereisyourhumanity7557

3 ай бұрын

Oh, hugs. You had to go back to them, what else could you do? I'm glad you had a time away from them. I had no one, I was an adopted child and aside from being scapegoat for Mom and Dad and Sis, none of the adoptive family was interested in me. I used to wish I could go live under a bush for a while. And I used to wish Mom would just kind of fade away and die. Any day would have been just fine for that.

@andreagascoigne6735

3 ай бұрын

What a beautiful person your Grandma must have been : please see yourself through her eyes if you can and let yourself be that carefree child. And remember - the kind of bond you had with your Grandma - one which was so very strong and profound - can **never** be broken, even after her passing. 💕💕💕♥️

@moirosalina

3 ай бұрын

Ofcourse you wanted to back, you couldnt have known. It wasn't your fault, you could not have stopped it. Indeed all kids need to be loved by their parents, so ofcourse you saw what you saw. You can only live and learn and some lessons are just immensly harsh ❤

@PaigeSquared

2 ай бұрын

I moved out at 17 and stayed out as long as possible, until I needed a safe place to land after an abusive relationship. I had two younger siblings that had graduated highschool during that timeframe. My dad went through treatment for kidney cancer and they didn't even tell me. My dad was the only one who would check on me, when he was alive. I would try to update them about my life but they wouldn't share anything about themselves with me. I am not included in family gatherings now. It is my siblings and my mom. They hide it beforehand so I can't go, but not afterwards. They don't plan separate quality time with me, if there was some sort of divide where one couldn't see the other. It's just me being ostracized. My siblings believe every word our mother says about me, as if she wouldn't lie. My sister has no friends because she is so enmeshed. Meanwhile, I know our mother lies all the time. It is obvious on her face when she does. They say she is indirect, but will not acknowledge any of the direct insults or shaming; I suppose they think she isn't wrong. It's gross. I want access to a relationship with my siblings, I wish she would just keep herself out of it. It might be less painful if I give up on that.

Almost all of what he says describes the experiences I went through. I'm finally starting to make sense of my upbringing, and people who have been in my life subsequently.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Very important point you make about people subsequently

This video, like many others from Jay, was very thought provoking and profound. As the ghosts of my childhood come to haunt me often, I recalled a time when my family of origin went to a pizza parlor that was a long drive from where we lived. Nice ambiance and through a window, we could see the cooks throwing the flattened dough into the air, making a nice show about it. But this was not fast food and I was bored waiting at the table, because especially for kids, it can be hard to sit still and quiet for so long…harder than school. Well, something made me laugh, and my evil father, who sat next to me in the booth, punched me really hard in the gut. I just happened to suffer that year from horrible undiagnosed abdominal pains that my parents didn’t bother to get me medical attention for until it was too late, so that hard punch in the gut hurt extra deeply. To add insult to injury, he ordered me to stand outside the restaurant while they got to partake of the meal I’d waited so long to come. There was nowhere to sit nor any shade, my legs were fatigued and I was quite bored, humiliated and thirsty and hungry. When this ghost of the past came up, I got so down on myself for not just walking away as far as I could, so then they’d lose me and I wouldn’t have to go back with them for many more years of physical, verbal and psychological abuse. But this video explains why I probably didn’t flee while I had that chance. With all I endured, I couldn’t think clearly in retrospect, except to ruminate about how miserable my life was.

@user-zy8gk2nn7d

Жыл бұрын

stupid narcs hate when we laugh - as a child I was forbidden to laugh - and when I did I was severly punished. Funny thing is those idiots considers themselves as a good parents :)))hahha and they only understand a sadistic laugh. F.... them.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Dia tribe. Horrible nasty bully. Compassion to you. ​@@user-zy8gk2nn7d oh- Stop that stupid horse laughing- said in her calmer moments- it was a gang of scared kids helping one another with nervous and infectious laughter- that looked not so nervous as it was full of banter, teasing etc.

@user-zy8gk2nn7d

Жыл бұрын

@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Exactly - narc caretaker "you have a very ugly laugh" or " when you are laughing man can see your gums" or "why are you laughing?" with hate and disdane. Those m.f. only know the fake laugh and sadistic laugh - so when they see a happy laugh they are jelous. But I think when I am lauging the whole world laughs with me :)) and honestly I have a very nice smile and laugh and very nice teeth - and even if I had not had one tooth I would still laugh:)))

@cynthiafortier2540

Жыл бұрын

When I was about seven, I was with the whole family in the car. My sister said something out loud, Cindy did......My dad reached his mean hand and arm back and slapped me so hard my head slammed against the window. Now that I'm older, in my mind I ouch home right back in the head. That drunk should have NEVER had kids. Us three girls are so affected with trauma. It's really not fair. Thanks for sharing dear one!!

@healingandgrowth-infp4677

Жыл бұрын

My narc older bro like late teens while I was 7 or 8 would full forcefully kick in my stomachs every morning with steel chapped boots for no reason whatsoever. I never managed to poop for months and had severe tummy pains. He kicked me in the ribs too n I had blood come up. I’d even suffer weird painful spasms in the hip n lower abdomen. I should have told my dad prob had n wasn’t believed. I don’t recall. I have had many similar experiences to yours, your comment is so helpful in that I also reflect on triggers n wish I had done things differently or said things etc but it was a different time n I was a ignorant n abused girl.

Jay, your videos always hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much. I only came to understand what my family dynamic was last summer when I was 55! I was the eternal scapegoat for my NPD mother. My mother died on February 18, 2023. I didn't shed a tear. Her memorial was March 24, 2023. I didn't go. I took the dogs for a run, went skiing, and then met friends for dinner. To quote the book title, "I'm Glad My Mom Died!"

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Stacey Kelly. I wish you many years if peace health and freedom. Yes - that is a relief to have that door closed- not unusually the one cruel one of female form is alive and going strong at 95.

@cynthiafortier2540

Жыл бұрын

YOU Stacy are my HERO!! I will do the same and NOT attend my narc dad's funeral. He has only brought pain into my life. Good riddance I say. Bless your heart girl, proud of you!!!!!!

@whereisyourhumanity7557

3 ай бұрын

I went, to show the family audience that an adopted child is appropriately grateful. And I slipped out, very very early. Went home and worked in my veg garden.

Thank you so much for what you do Mr Reid, it brings tears to my eyes as I write this and listen to you speak since what you described was essentially my childhood. So many years I spent wondering what was wrong with me ,why I was so bad/worthless and why I couldn’t be like the other kids ,happy, then teens then young adults being suicidal throughout all those years 😔I still don’t know what helped me endure all those years prior to seeking help. Hearing you speak in each episode is a roller coaster of emotions both pleasant and very sad that I have to pause the video then play it once I’m well again. I’m happy eventhough I’m much older that it is possible to reclaim my life back and actually enjoy existing but I also feel a lot of grief and sadness at all the life I lost that I can never get back. My father really did a number on me and my brother and even now as a man in my mid 30’s my life shows the ramifications from all that abuse. I recently bought your book and have only read the first few ages and again I was in tears, I can’t wait to read the whole book. Please take very good care of yourself, you help out alot of people myself included

@boutiquelove5391

Жыл бұрын

I love this comment! He speaks about all of our childhoods and its visceral. God continue to bless you! Everything in perfect timing and look forwards and be joyful- look back and smile and look at what knowledge and empathy and strength you have been blessed with🥰

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Deathuponusall- I promise being in your 30’s is still a great age. Yes- it’s good to grieve now for so much of what was stolen from you- and once you pass through the heavy grief I wish you decades of peace, health and growth

@therealdeal3672

Жыл бұрын

When you've been through so much it actually does take until you're in your 30s to grapple with your life experiences and come to terms with your trauma and the time lost to abuse and consequent self-loathing. You're on track for healing. It may take another 30 years and never quite be done, but you are doing great to be finding your answers at this time in your life. Some people don't even get there in their 30s. Wishing you well.

@starseeds8121

9 ай бұрын

My father too did a number on me.

@deathuponusalll

9 ай бұрын

@@boutiquelove5391 thank you😊

Jay I hope you read this! I have watched *thousands* of narcissistic videos since my divorce 4 years ago. Nobody on the internet explains the experience of parental narcissism as accurately and viscerally as you!!! My gut wrenches as I dont want to admit and accept what you say - as it strikes like a spear and reminds me of my thoughts and feelings and I realise my whole personality and motivations were just to survive the relentless volatile attacks of my life. You are a gift!!!!! God bless you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Living in the first person.... Great vid Jay. I'm always triggered when I watch your videos, but I'm growing and understanding more and more each day. Thanks for your insights and teachings.

@juneelle370

Жыл бұрын

Yes, agree his work is very “triggering” and in a very beneficial way… a catalyst for alchemy … even though sometimes it’s hard, hard, hard-it’s been *worth it* exponentially!!! 🌊

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

@@juneelle370 yes it’s truth. We are believed- no minimising here- or that early in conversation used by others- professionals included - why happened to them to have them like this. Not once did I ever here. I’m sorry you had to go through this, this is awful.

@d.nakamura9579

Жыл бұрын

Another insightful video!

At the ripe age of 56 I am trying to comprehend after many years of battling chronic Depression and Anxiety how I was scapegoated by my family to cover up their problems I really am Struggling so much with this and I am totally screwed up

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Hi Jane. Yes, decades and decades to uncover. You are not alone

@traweler155

Жыл бұрын

I have the same experience

@amberinthemist7912

Жыл бұрын

It's like being a fish out of water, totally disoriented. I thought I was a broken person, depressed due to chemical imbalances in my malfunctioning brain. Turns out I had a bunch of narc family members treating me terribly from birth and living off of me like leaches. Freedom finally but it's terrifying.

@JaneMay2024

Жыл бұрын

@@traweler155What are you doing to heal?

@JaneMay2024

Жыл бұрын

@@amberinthemist7912 Yes I have always felt like I never fitted in … at school, college at work or in large groups I always feel a loner yet crave company

Yeah, I was once triangulated on from my brother and mom to send me to the mental hospital. Once there, through court order, I was forced to take medications and see a psychiatrist/therapist. My mom somehow found out I had been discussing the topic of her to the therapist, and I remember being told by her; "Don't talk about me to your therapist." Now some 15 years later, I requested medical records including psychiatric notes from the hospital, during that time period. I found out most of the psychiatrist notes were just simple misunderstandings of what I was saying or conveying at the time. Also, some notes were from things my mom had told the psychiatrist, that were absolute fabrications and falsehoods - lies. Other notes were that I was "smiling inappropriately" which made me to believe that the therapist might have had narcissistic tendencies his self. So yeah, I have trust issues still, and have little to no friends. I see through most peoples' friendly façade, as their approach is mostly a means to gain an acolyte in their selfish narcissistic conquest. I kick it with me myself and I, and I find that my peaceful calmness is enough to trigger and expose the narcissists around me. Still seeking a community of people that just do it right.

@healingandgrowth-infp4677

Жыл бұрын

I highly relate medics n police all took my abusers side n twisted my story to fit what they choose to believe n they tried to force meds on me I refused them I’ve been very badly treated by all police support n medical folk. Very very abusive mistreatments. I don’t trust them or anyone now. I tried with friends but they all turned around n took of their friendly masks n became abusers n users n liars in the end so I cut them all off.

@arjulala

5 ай бұрын

That's so disturbing 😢 why do such people have children, makes me sick. There should be a licence to have kids just like driving. Sickening

Those pillars are undermined by the neurological "ruts" that have formed in an abused individual from their very infancy. At 60, I'm not saying don't try. But don't get too discouraged if it's more difficult than imagined or sometimes portrayed. This is not a critique of Jay Reid. I have found him to be more helpful than most.

@203blessings

Жыл бұрын

I think for children that were abused in sadistic way, trying to sort through what happened is complicated by never hearing an example of it happening to someone else. I'm not sure why it would matter but do notice myself always listening for similarity.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

@@203blessings yes. I know what you mean.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Alsatiagent. Thanks for your post that is a very good point about the neurological “ruts”. It’s making sense to me and also the piece to step back on self expectations- other wise it becomes something else to beat myself up about- the girl who always tried too hard. Dr Deborah Lee. Trauma and Self compassion. Very good short KZread video to what you are saying. “ the traumatised mind” she says give ourselves self compassion

@Alsatiagent

Жыл бұрын

@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 I'll have a look, thanks!

You are THE MOST insightful, constructive, & articulate guide out of the wreckage from a lifetime of narc abuse. Thank you!!!! You truly help me put the jigsaw pieces back together, & actually see the picture I'm making too! THANK YOU! (Little Shaman is pretty great too: explains things with pointed precision, like a surgeon with a scalpel.)

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Wreckage of a lifetime…. Good description

Thank you Jay. This explains how I went from a narcissistic childhood to a marriage that kept maintained that mindset. I used to have a belief, 'if there's a problem I am the problem.' I heard it forever and said it to myself countless times. Not anymore, and your awesome insight has made a difference.

@diatribe5

Жыл бұрын

I think part of the video helps give some insight into how those raised poorly (and that’s understating it in many cases) seem to end up in those kind of adult relationships. Why we attract toxic types like a magnet, like it or not. And I know exactly what you mean about the very negative feedback that we didn’t ask for, but had to hear anyway. If we, especially from our formative years, hear these toxic attacks on our character over and over for long periods, it ends up sticking in our subconscious, etched in there like the grooves on a record.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

@@diatribe5 me too

Jay when I think about you being scapegoated in your family it makes me want to cry. You're so brilliant and beautiful and a good soul. your work on KZread alone is saving lives everyday. it's such a tragic problem and it touches billions of people around the world. It is nothing less than pure evil and it can be fought against as you show us with your work.

It is also deeply concerning and miserable to reali!e there us something wrong and dangerous about complying with all the parental demands enforced through coercive psychological, emotional and physical

Congratulations on your new book- I know that takes a great amount of time, energy and care. This video gave me some useful insights. I’ve recently started dating again and noticed how quickly I was willing to let it be all about the man talking to (at?) me and not expecting any signs of interest or compassion when I shared about myself. As I grew quieter and quieter I began to sense this was NOT what I wanted and about a day later realized that it was a pattern of mine from surviving childhood and that he was comfortable with it. I ended the connection gracefully and with very little rumination (compared to my previous experiences, because this was not the first time I have had this experience with new friends or first/second dates). Progress. I do wonder what it will be like to have a healthy relationship with a friend or boyfriend and hope I will experience it someday, but I now have zero tolerance for low emotional intelligence and people who want 90% of the attention and support. Thanks for the clarity and strength your channel has given me for the last three years

OMG, this makes me realise the hell myself and my siblings grew up in. We have had a hell of a life regards our mother and enabler father. Thank you so much for your deep understanding and superb, calm way of helping others!

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Sonia- same set up.

These videos are so enlightening. I love the comments as well, so meaningful to be here. Thank you all.

Jay, pls do a talk about dealing w friends stuck in their trauma. A buddy always has to dominate conversation with his history of emotional abuse. It’s almost unbearable to be around him, even though he is a kind person.

@healingandgrowth-infp4677

Жыл бұрын

It sounds like you are not in that place to be a supportive friend to his struggles n needs as you need to deal with your own first

@whereisyourhumanity7557

3 ай бұрын

Repeating the story of trauma is one way that we process it, and get rid of it. But we shouldn't use our friends as therapists. I tell about my trauma sometimes, as an apology for not being a more complete person, or a perfect friend. Send him to Dr Ramani's Community. He can tell and tell, and be believed and supported by fellow narky targets. That's where I find great relief.

Every time I watch these videos I can’t but help but get triggered and cry my little eyes out. It’s been over a decade and I still cry soooo much. I thought i was done. NOPE around 2 😭 I just wanna be healed but I know God is moving mountains for me. I got this

@shashi3072

5 ай бұрын

Practice vipassana meditation you will heal break trauma bond's and toxic psychological patterns.

I don't isolate to avoid bad things. I isolate to avoid good things.

Yes, this is me. I attached to my narc Dad because my mom was covert, my brother was her golden child, and my other sibling was younger so I became mother figure. This is the toughest part to work through for me, but its helping. Thank you ❤

@winxclubstellamusa

Жыл бұрын

Do you mean that your mother was an overt narcissist and your father was covert, so you perceived it as a safer option to attach to him?

@nyxcole9879

Жыл бұрын

@@winxclubstellamusa mom was covet neglectful so I went to the overt unfortunately

@winxclubstellamusa

Жыл бұрын

@@nyxcole9879 unfortunately 💔

@healingandgrowth-infp4677

Жыл бұрын

They like to make you the mother figure being mother over your siblings taking care of the home n home needs n your own narc mothers emotional needs n attention demands.

Read the ebook yesterday and am about to read the 'Growing up as the scapegoat' book tonight! I'm excited for this one. Out of countless books i've read, MANY videos watched, counselors etc I feel like Jay's videos and expertise nails everything i've been feeling and going through so 10000% accurately it's crazy yet a sigh of relief. I don't have to search all over for the answers anymore and STILL feel a huge pressure of panic etc .He explains everything about narc abuse in such great detail it's scary. I feel.....Safe in such a way I can't even explain it. Anyways, thank you a ton and can't wait to read this book!

Jay, thank you so much as always. I am a New Zealander and wake up every Saturday morning to your videos in my inbox. I have often been wrestling with thoughts and trauma throughout the week, but your kind, sincere, wise and always on the nail advice, keeps me going again. As another thought…. Just wondering when you might ever do a video about ex husbands (or wives) who have joined forces with Narcissistic parents (by that I mean my ex husband has joined forces with my Narcissistic mother & enabling father) and then tried to turn my teenage daughter against me over the last 18 months. I am finding it hard to break free of all this due to them using her to get at me. You are the most helpful and have the most relevant insight out of everyone who is specialising in this horrible topic. Thank you from New Zealand.

@graceleslie1894

8 ай бұрын

Acknowledge to yourself the hurt you are feeling - & then be courageous - model to your teen that/how you think for yourself. After all, sticks & stones may break bones but, you know, water off a ducks back. Ride that wave. I hope your teen will, also manage to think for themselves, and catch the best wave for them. Rather than fight the current, think for yourself, and both make it back to shore. Kia kaha

@Andrea-lp4bb

8 ай бұрын

@@graceleslie1894 Kia Ora! Thank you so so much for your very lovely message ♥️ It’s so validating to have other people’s perspectives as we all navigate these choppy waves together. Thank you also for your advice on being courageous & modelling this to my daughter. Sticks and stones is also such a good analogy. Ngā Mihi!! ♥️

@MSB780

8 ай бұрын

I just started listening to Jay. Wonderful❣️ I’m glad Hector kept plugging away with his own healing ❤️‍🩹. Good lesson’s and examples to follow. ☺️

@Andrea-lp4bb

8 ай бұрын

@@MSB780 just wondering if you’re still getting his videos via email each week? I seem to have stopped receiving them over the last 6 weeks or so. Anyone know if he’s still doing the weekly videos? I miss them!

@MSB780

8 ай бұрын

@@Andrea-lp4bb I have a lot of his videos to catch up on. They all look new to me. I will keep an eye out for that in particular, and let you know if I find out anything. 🙂

Your insight is AMAZING, Jay!!

Jay I love you, your work has been a core factor in my healing journey and has changed my life for the better! May God bless you and empower you to reach as many people suffering who need your words! Buying your book right now and can't wait to read it! ❤😂🎉

Thank you. You are extremely inciteful. So much so, I feel you are a fellow survivor of narcissism. You have a firm handle on the subtleties and nuances. To hear them verbalized by another human is so validating. God bless you!

Just ordered your book, Jay - looking forward to reading it. Thank you so much for your dedicated work: it has helped make sense of a lot of my 'stuck' places.

Wow. This is amazing. Hector is me. Through my Journaling, I wondered why I needed my mother's validation so much. If I could, I would have transformed into the perfect daughter for her. Thank you for shedding some light on why as a child we are desperate for our parents validation, affection, and love.

I Trust My Perception, and Respect Myself As Much As I Do Others ✌️ 🥰👍

Dr. Reid, I really respect your knowledge about narcissism. My mom did not fit the description of narcissism that seems most common. No rage, no demands of my time. She was totally indifferent. I believe she was a neglectful narcissist. Could you discuss the impact of such a narcissist on a person? I suspect being raised by this type of person is insidiously damaging because it takes decades to realize you didn't matter to them. Are they narcissists? How does one heal?

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Nancy, that’s very difficult- a childhood full of neglect and being unseen. It can happen with parents who are shut down for other reasons. I hope Dr Jay Reid does see your message and give you information. I want to say that your experience of severe emotional child neglect which is known to be a very painful and damaging. This is now well documented and the idea that a child who was fed, housed and sent to school could not be severely damaged by emotional neglect is very much refuted. Compassion and healing to you. Also giving yourself a long physical hug and saying your name kindly to you as you hug yourself now has evidence of benefit.

@nancybartley4610

Жыл бұрын

@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 I appreciate that you took time to acknowledge this topic. It is very difficult to explain the lack of certain inputs that are not material in form. Those of us who got our material needs met and our emotional/psychological needs ignored are in an odd place filled with lots of self-doubt. I often ask myself if I'm an ingrate because I got a balanced meal and am complaining that dessert was not served. Did I deserve/need dessert?

@amberinthemist7912

Жыл бұрын

​@nancybartley4610 Emotional support and guidance for children is not dessert. It's the same order need as food. It's like you were given all the meat you needed but not any vegetables so you got a severe vitamin balance. The damage of being deprived of being seen and loved as a child are like a vitamin deficiency that impacts your growth as a human. The self doubt you feel is probably a result of being taught to gaslight yourself by lazy parents who weren't worthy of you. I understand it though. I had rich parents even. I had every material thing anyone could want. Lived in a mansion with horsebackriding lessons and a giant pool. But my parents were toxic neglectful narcs. Most of the time these parents provide you with the material needs because iteither keeps them out of trouble with the law (when they provide the very basics) or in my case it was all to show off to the neighbors.

Hi Jay, I just ordered your book, and am very much looking forward to reading it. No one describes my youth better than you do, it's often uncanny. A positive thing about this living your life through anothers mind is perhaps the exceptional development of empathy for others' ways of being. This often comes at a tremendous cost to one's own well being though. You can arrive at a point where you don't really know anymore who you are, or what you in fact need and like. It is so lonesome as well. A big consequence of this living through other people's minds is the difficulty of establishing relationships later on in life, as it is often very difficult to figure out what you really want yourself from the other, let alone tell this to the other person. Besides, it is really hard to imagine that anyone might really be interested in you, or even like you, as they will inevitably sooner or later find out what a really afwul person you are at the core, because this is a belief you've had to adopt early on, and cultivate for so many years, in order to survive the situation you found yourself in, when you were so very small, and couldn't make sense of all that was happening around you and to you. Instinctively you had to gaslight yourself in order to live through it all. This was an excellent video again Jay, as always. Thank you so much for what you do for us.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Great post Wim. Thank you. Wishing you well

@Thysta

11 ай бұрын

"A positive thing about this " This is not empathy. Real empathy does not require losing yourself in the process. I don't think there is any positivity in this, you just learned to see the good in everything because that was the only option in your childhood.

I never thought his limiting beliefs about me would stop until he passed away ...issues are I still have those tapes running in my head...my sister was intelligent she cit and ran.

Sorry I went off on a tangent. what I wanted to talk about was the ability to focus on myself in the presence of someone else, to learn that I didn't have that ability without feeling scrutinized and criticized to the forefront. Thank you Jay for giving me that knowledge!

Oh my gosh! That's one of my four pillars of self. Think your own thoughts, make your own decisions, find your inner resources, and take action on your own behalf. I had to make my own pillars, and rear myself. Of course I was an adult before I realized this.

Another amazing explanation of this painful process. We truly appreciate your work ✨️🙌✨️

As an experiencer of this type of coping mechanism, the best therapy for me is when the therapist really takes the time to understand all I am saying, validates my feelings, but also is very keen on picking up on distorted beliefs in my narrative - most time things I took for granted and didn't even think are worth discussing - and then dismantling them with logic. another thing that was really helpful is reading through the subreddit amithea-hole, especially the most popular posts. for many years i was reading posts and thinking "hm, not the a-hole" but then i would read the most upvoted comment and see exactly why they were the a* and it really helped with learning about boundaries and being more confident in my own judgement in applying them

Another gem from Jay. Their mindset gets conditioned into our nervous system and its hard to retrain it.

Congratulations on the ebook edition of your wonderful new book. This will make your great book accessible to a broader audience.

My older sister was a CRAZY MAD monster! She is NOW a total OCD control freek NARCISSIST! (And she gets away with it?) One day while ALONE in the large Farm house my Brother was being a little "mental" and MY BIG SISTER grabbed one of the guns that my father had in her closet and CHASED US! She chased us through the woods! I has tryin to SAVE MY BROTHER from HER! We ended up at a neighbors who started to get REAL UPSET and cry and she called my FATHER! That was the FASTEST I had EVER seen my Father show up! He was HIDING guns because they were HOT and MY BIG SISTER took all her frustration about the parental neglect WE ALL experienced on US! THEN she focused it ALL ON ME! She started to PUNCH THE CRAP out of my FACE!

@janettemartin4604

Жыл бұрын

I had to balance MANY narcissists! I WAS ALWAYS WRONG!

Being here is validation . Support that I never experienced . Always disbelieved about everything and dissed and bullied to tears . Thank you for your videos and your understanding

Holy crap! This just hit home for me; this is why I have social anxiety. I already knew any time I was in other people's view, or just in an open space, like not in my car or home, I was feeling scrutinized and criticized, and basically unwanted. I would only allow myself outside if I was doing something, not just being me. I've a terrible time just going outside and doing yard work! I'm always afraid someone's going to verbally attack me, ridicule me, or look at me like I don't belong there. That's only if I'm in a building where there are things to be doing like grocery shopping or regular shopping, that I feel like it's okay for me to be there, or even a restaurant. I knew my mother made me feel unwelcome but not to this extent. Not that it could ruin nearly forty years of my life with this fear of not being good enough that she put in me!! I never learned how to do my hair or put on makeup because every time she saw me in front of the mirror, she would get angry at me. So basically tell me there were better things to do with my time! She taught me to not love myself 😢 She taught me I wasn't worth spending time on! This makes me so angry!!!! I watched my daughter is a teenager put makeup on for hours and do her hair and I just thought, man, she's just wasting time and I would be angry that she was having all that time to focus on herself, but I didn't realize at that time why I was angry. We could only watch MTV before mom got home, and watch shows that we watched or liked after she went to bed. Oh and if she wanted play the piano tough shit we couldn't watch TV. Wouldn't listen to our music on the car radio. I at least have given many of my daughter's musics a chance and discovered new loves that we can share together, and some don't like them at all but at least I gave her the chance to share them with me and say "hey do you like this?" I tried so hard to be a much better parent than what I had!!

Thanks for another great video, Jay. I got your book off of Amazon a few days ago and it’s excellent!

This video has been the clearest in describing the patterns of behaviour I have been stuck in and how I can grow out of them, with the perspective learnt from studying it. Its that anticipation going into any relationship stoking up the parents projection creating that feeling of being criticised, scrutinised and rejected. Seeing that as the past now and feeling safe around others is the goal now.

Jay, I'm shaddow-banned, so you might not see this. This video is the one. I cannot afford to go through the course, but watch your videos. You are to the point - which suits me - and spot on, really understanding. Just want to thank you. I had a family of them at it, many secretly, and one distant parent. I thought i was loved by the other, but that love was what i was bullied to love, as i had no idea all of it was control. They ruined my life, but at least i get to find it out. Humour was my saviour, and, of course, leaning to distract their behaviours with it. I did that from a very young age. I doubt I'd be here without humour and ignoring their pushing for a response to give them an excuse to pile in more. Thank you, Jay. You have no idea. But i susspect you certainly do.

If you try to think your own thoughts then you try to find a solution to your concerns...and the only way to really solve those...is through the toxic parent. So you're back to where you were, your thoughts filled with their thoughts.

Thank you for the examples. I got another memory out from the dark childhood. More evidence of the evil.

Lol I cannot find a community to save my life

Jay, you put into words things that I've felt for so long, but couldn't describe. Explaining how it felt to be with my family was nearly impossible before. No one understood because no one witnessed their abuse of me. They were very careful to present a pleasant face to the world while abusing me behind the scenes. Later on, I experienced work supervisors who were much like my family--abusive in private to particular people while presenting a different face to the world in general. Just hearing your description of the narcissist-scapegoat relationship is so validating. I knew something was wrong, but could never put it into words. Thanks for all the work you do on behalf of scapegoats everywhere.

I found this very helpful. Thank you, Jay for caring so much about us. You really are changing the world .

I felt not myself often, this video once again hits alot of my feelings on the head...always attracting toxic energy draining narcissists😫 Struggling to feel like myself and devaluing/discarding dreadful cycles of these types. Thank you for these videos

This explanation ties so many things together for me. My whole life I always had this feeling of “being my own worst enemy” and always self sabotaged anything good I had going in my life. School, athletics, career, relationships. My mother used to even say “don’t shoot yourself in the foot” to me all the time. And I’ll never even wanted to self sabotage, I consciously wanted what was good for me but couldn’t understand why I’d still ruin things. The part you said about keeping yourself down to feel better since it makes the parent feel better hit so hard. I’ve been doing that my whole life without even trying. I didn’t even know I was experiencing my happiness in the 3rd person. I think the first time in my life I ever experienced my own happiness in the first person was my first psychedelic mushroom experience, far from home during my college years. I felt a happiness that I didn’t have to look outside of myself to feel for the very first time, Only now conceptualizing it with the help of your video. I’m 28 years old and feel like I wasted so much of my life trying to please my unpleasable mother and loved ones my whole life. Every person is solely responsible for their own happiness, period. Thank you Jay for your videos, they’re so concise and they just go so much deeper into the root of the issues. BRB gonna go watch all the other hundreds of your videos ❤thank you

I had more to add, because I had to rewatch this, and yes, Jay, I found it very useful. The part about the parents always being right: in my earliest memories, ages 2-4, I looked to my parents for guidance and to model myself after my mother and believed instinctively that they were right and wise and role models to be guided by….it wasn’t until I was about 8-10, with further brain development and too much time to ponder, that there was something very wrong with the picture, and that they were wrong and that I wasn’t the demon seed they made me out to be. But I also knew that I didn’t have a plan nor the resources to run away, as I so badly wanted to do. I didn’t attempt that until I was 13, when things got much worse before my parents separated and I then only had 1 of them to contend with, instead of them both ganging up on me. I didn’t successfully leave until I was 17, and had to worry about homelessness, unemployment and survival. I am so glad that you addressed why so many of us have trouble with boundaries, as we weren’t allowed to have them for so long, that trying to first identify them and try to establish them can feel so alien to us for some time. You also mentioned how “Hector” was denied being able to have friends. I can totally relate. As a kid, I was able to visit other girls’ homes, but I wasn’t allowed to have them over. The house was clean enough, because I had to do so many chores in addition to homework. I suspect that they didn’t want the kids to see how much more poorly I got treated than they did. Narcissists love to isolate their victims. I learned kinda late into adulthood about my goals of not sticking around too long in situations that were unrewarding and maybe stressful: an old man talked to me at a bar, and he said “ vote with your feet “. He was onto something. I was miffed that he never offered to buy my drinks even though we were talking for a while, so I took that advice and got up from the barstool and left the bar. I have to really think hard to put it into practice and see the red flags and the writing on the wall to recognize when I should put the fleeing into practice and vote with my feet. It’s an ongoing process. About worrying what others think: after some middle school girls playing volleyball while I walked 4 laps around the park, they were gushing about my flashy outfit and treated me like a celebrity or something. But most of the time since then, when I’ve gone to walk around the park and trot out my fashions, I feel bummed when I get no compliments on my attire. So I guess I’m still in that mindset of putting more value on others’ view of me than my own, even though I didn’t realize it. Finally, I wonder if you could someday address flashbacks that come back to haunt me long after the past. I don’t remember if I’ve already asked that request before.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

Dia Tribe- great post- our own reflections here in a safe and properly informed place can really help ourselves and others.

Wow. I worked on this one for days and made pages of notes! This explains so much from childhood all the way through the dynamics with my current therapist. Thank you!

Your videos have been very helpful to my mental health and wellness. Its been comforting to be able to name what happened and I have hope that I can get get better. I lived most of my life not knowing anything about this personality disorder. I knew something was terribly wrong and that I wasn't treated well at all but I didn't get away from it. I would minimize and beat myself up because of the way I felt and where the abuse took me. I just wanted to say thank you.

Wow, Jey, you just described my childhood. Thank you.

Brilliant, beautifully articulated.

Amazing. I learnt a lot from this video. Unfortunately for me it's relatable lol. I am doing a good job of healing.

Thank you for another great video. Your work helps me and so many others!

This is so accurate. Explained well.

Yes, yes, and yes to each of your questions. Going from one of your video’s to another… they are so very helpful❣️😀 👍

This is a bit convoluted as parenting leads to so much of us all feeling abused but not all bad parenting is narcissism

Every word of your videos is gold. Thank you for your brilliance and your passion.

Thank you for this extremely supportive and validating video. It resonates with me on many levels.

This is great! Thank you 🙏🏼

Yes to those questions.

Thank you for the new insights.

Thanks so much Jay ❤🎉👋

That is fully me. Actually both my BPD mother and NPD father taught and conditioned me to do this. I ask a friend of mine to check my mircophone (he is into electricity). He says he'd do that next week. Next week nothing happens. I think in me, "Oh he is an ENFJ, says yes to everyone and don't have time.". I am together with a girl, she is angry because of something totally unrelated to me, acts immature and hurtful towards me, I'm like "Oh she is insecure, never emotionally separated from her mother, etc..". I befriend an ENTP who constantly drains me and disrespects me, I'm like "Oh he is an ENTP, he loves to debate." WHO THE F cares? Don't want to or can't do something, don't promise. Disrespect is disrespect, I don't care what your MBTI type is. These non-parents condition us to never think of ourselves only about them.

I could never figure out why my Dad married three times and had three families. His children, 5 girls and 1 boy. I think the truth is he married 3 times and had children with all three for "supply". He could appear as a "family man" with a profession (M.D.) while he was busily destroying those around him. I saw him gaslight the two women after my mother (covert Narcissist) who became hysterical towards the end of each of their marriages. The third girl from the second marriage was in her way to suicide at the age of 15. It was always someone else's fault; he was the victim Apparently a Narcissist takes zero responsibility for their deeds. He put on a good show, seemingly "successful", charming, brilliant, good looking, hiding his angry, jealous side, unconcerned about others unless it benefitted him, side. I finally have my answer; it all makes sense. I see this in Donald Trump. His family seems to have scattered to the winds (no reverence for Ivana). Thank you Jay. I appreciate all the work you have done and continue to do. It's highly beneficial. I was told often by my mother that I was conscientious. I am an empath.. I have always deeply cared for others. I think I made it my mission to love my father. For an empath, it is significant to release a person one cared about, but what is more powerful is knowing the facts and verifying them. I can in many of these instances and I think it is setting me free. Thank you. ❤❤❤

Being made the golden child is being threatened to be the scapegoat anytime. So the situation to please and return to the abdandonor or perpetrator (by omission) is quite emotionally comparable.

Very important information. I will listening to this video more times. Thank you Dr Jay Reid.

Thanks Jay

Exactly! Ty

You are telling my life. Thank you for this excellent discussion.

This is the content I needed to see. Especially understanding my behavior and how I developed. ETA- Hector and I had the same experience

No moral code, coming from the narc parent. The relationship is based on power, which is an amoral kind of relationship, if the narc parent is supposed to be raising nuturing and relating to their own child and that child's childhood experience. The narc by this definition is avoiding the parent-child relationship, opting instead to go with a brisk corporate business style of employee-employer structured relationship. That synopsis feel spot on correct as an explaination to why things felt so dreadful during my the scapegoat childhood. It also explains why the experience had such bleak emotionlessness tone to it. Further it had a feeling of needing to be alert, with an on the job type focus, numbing my feelings so to stay alert to the narc parent's changing states, dictates and moods. Having private interests was okay to have, because it allowed the narc parent more free time away from the job of parenting. Activities that were allowed and defined as fun were defined solely by the narc parent. I remember getting gifts that were for younger children, so I worked hard to pretend play in an age appropriate style, just to be respectful. Narc parents in no way are tuned into the childs actual skill levels or age approriateness, in clothing and hair styles, can be off the mark too. The scapegoat child nessassarily becomes analytical and prayerful, praying to overcome the narc parent and her other children who were the chosen, as well as them being nasty and out of control.

real life earth angel this man

This is very interesting. You have described exactly the situation I experienced growing up in the cult I was raised in. That is exactly what the leader's, and his henchmen, treatment produced. Quite scary to hear it described by a stranger, for some reason. Not to mention, I thought I was the only person who felt this way, because "I'm the worst, I deserved it." After listening to this, though, I realise we were all treated the same way in that cult, to some extent. Thank you for sharing this!

Thank you very much Jay!

Great videos

This is a great subject. I decided some time ago that I will not listen to videos about narcissist any more. I just get bad feelings. I must focus on sonething more positive. However, I opened thisvideo because of some happenings at work. I’ve been in this job about a year now. I am leaving. I got another job in a different city. I have not told yet that I leave. I said to my new employeer, that I want to finnish some tasks I began or our clients will be in trouble. They will be, really, when I leave. My new workplace accepted and I’ll start in August. Well, then I had pretty good times at my work and I thoyght that I’ve done a mistake. But then, last week, I got such experiences that on the weekend, I felt so drained that I hardly recovered for the next week - tomorrow. There was nothing against me directly, but the nessage is, that I must learn to ve suspicious and negative about all clients we have and do everything to protect against their aims. I am an architect and work as sn urban planner and our clients are investors. My aim has veen co-operation and as far I’ve succeeded. My clients have given good feedback about me. My boss tild me about it but she wasnot interested, how I did it. She most likely think that it is a co-incidence. No, I planned it. I decided to co-operate, not be against - as the attitude normally is. Now they seem to expect that I learn to become begative and suspicious and contolling. I thought that I have better things to learn, for example: better negotiation skills. Or how to make win-win situations. But my colleagues at work do not think in this way now. And they do not listen to me. They exoect me to learn their way of thinking. I was totally drained on Saturday, I could not do anything but sleep, to recover from all the negativity I sensed at work. Fortunately, I know that anew workplace is waiting for me. Even if it is lightly better, it i better. So, oeopke do not have to be barcissists when they assume that you must kearn to think like them! Today, on Sunday, when I got myself up I yhought, that I never nevernever want to use my time learning their way of thinking. I have more positive attitude and views and indeed: I rather learn speak German than their negative attitude. It starts from little things: I said:”Whatca wonderful weather it is!” The answer:”But it is going to snow nect week again…” Ok, ok: sorry that I was happy one second. Lets worry about next week’s snow! 😮 I think, if I had not had a narcissistic mom and her servant, my father, I would not regognice these things at all! But I do. I pay attention and especially, I pay attention how I feel. And this drained feeling I had this weekend, was not the first time - even it all did not directly pointed me, the idea, that I should do my work thinking bad things all the time, prrparing for the worst possible scenario - is just so draining, that I can hardly do it these few more months I have left there. 🎉

This is exactly it.

I experienced this and my twin came on board to echo the same shit as my parents. She made me feel inferior all my life and then made out like she was the victim. 2yrs no contact and then reconnected and after a few encournters i am feeling deeply depressed

Thank you for sharing your wisdom and kindness❤ Your soothing voice combined with solid fact, is very healing:)

@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse

8 ай бұрын

You're welcome

ALL OF THIS! ❤

I’d love to hear more about living in a power dynamic rather than a place of morality. Why is it that the narcissist has compromise, morality, or no morality? Where does that exactly come from?

Fantastic

My dad made me the scapegoat. When I was five I told him I wanted to run away from home. He suggested that nobody would feed me or give me a place to sleep. I realized it was likely true. Later that day he told me the story of his father dying in front of him when he was 4 years old in the car alone with his dad. I remember him telling me the story like it was yesterday. Date of death for his father checks out correctly with regard to my dad's age of the time his dad's death. He never told my mother or anyone else in my family the story about his father dying with him alone with him. I think he only told me as a means to manipulate me. He didn't want anyone else to know his most tragic moment in life. He was an extremely macho dude lieutenant colonel and a US Marine Aviator pilot jock. Still strikes me as freaking weird that he used that to control me and my mom didn't even know the story. He wanted to give me a sense of what life would be like if he disappeared I guess. Maybe he thought I would appreciate him more if I knew about his loss of his dad. It didn't work. But I find it weird as hell that he never told anyone else this story that I'm aware of. I think he didn't want anybody's pity. But he sure as hell wanted manipulate me however he could.

@healingandgrowth-infp4677

Жыл бұрын

My mother told my dad to dump me in a store n leave me there next time he goes shopping l was 6 years old n he did exactly that it was nit long after teachers saw the bruises n social services was called n she threatened they’d take me away from my dad cat n sis if I did that again not long after the strangers attempted kidnaps after school n other abuse at home n murder of a friend in the playground by another kid. I screamed for my dad but he kept running out of the area away from me lifting both my brothers up to carry them away fast as he could, creepy men were sneering at me n women were sneering at me in a nasty way. No one wanted to help me in the store. I managed to catch up to my dad as he couldn’t run fast with my two young brothers in his arms. My mother blew a fuse shouting what is that thing doing back here I told you to dump her at the store, he proceeded to continue that he knows n tried but I had followed him home. My mother would also lock me out the house after coming home from school n not let me in all night because she didn’t want a daughter that day, so tbh your = story sounds better than mine to be wanted at least a little….

@therealdeal3672

Жыл бұрын

@@healingandgrowth-infp4677 I'm sorry that your parents were so very terrible. You deserved much better. And yes that is worse than any story that I have. However, I just told one little thing and it's not really a big bad thing. It was a little snippet about being the scapegoat and how he manipulated me with a story that he never told anyone else which I still find really strange. My dad was an extremely difficult father to have and was highly physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. And at one point briefly sexually abusive. I did know that I was wanted even though I was neglected particularly by my father. Thankfully my mother was an adequate mother and I felt loved by her in spite of her neglect, dictated by my father, as well, and for which she apologized to me later in life. Thankfully, I hate to say it that way but it's true, but my father died when I was eleven. It was a relief. My mother was a good mom. But there was a lot of abuse and narcissism in my family. Some highly abusive older siblings. And since I was made the scapegoat by my dad originally, once my mom died, my siblings put me back in that role and I have been no contact for 11 years. Best thing I ever did for myself.

@healingandgrowth-infp4677

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@@therealdeal3672 aww I didn’t mean mine was worse than yours… both are as equally bad… I just meant he said these things so you wouldn’t want to try leave even though that isn’t for the best of reasons and intentions but it just brought up memories of being tried to make get rid off. How you were treated was not love n was not a feeling of being wanted too but I wish when my mother threatened not to tell teachers again what she did she meant it in a way to keep me but afterwards it was even more clear she was looking out for her best interest of being caught n punished for her abuse. When she tried to get rid of me.

@healingandgrowth-infp4677

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@@therealdeal3672 💝🌸🌺 I’m sorry for all they out you through and the healing you need to do too because of them and the No contact is the best ☺️😉

What do you do if you’ve been the scapegoat since a child from your family to friend groups to school to church to work to literally no matter what arena or group I join I’m always looked at like I have ten heads and I’m always the scapegoat even when I push myself to be outgoing and friendly people look at me like I’m crazy get my brothers will just walk in a room and people flock to them I don’t understand it 😢I’m almost forty years old and I can’t stand people because all I’ve known my entire life is rejection and hatred and betrayal and honestly it makes no sense people say. Be friendly you’ll make friends nope doesn’t work for me

@healingandgrowth-infp4677

Жыл бұрын

This has been my whole life we are not alone 🌸🌺💝

I coward so much from my NM I literally have a curve in my spine. I have many of the same medical conditions as my late NM and desperately trying to determine if this is actually my pain or hers.