Discovering these letters is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. They’re just amazing real world examples of how childhood trauma leads to bad relationship choices bc what we were raised in and had normalized often makes it so we can’t see clearly. They have helped me so much and given me more compassion for myself and others. Whenever I listen to a new letter I find myself saying, “Oh honey” a lot. And for this one when the guy asked if she was more into polygamy or monogamy, I was like no monogamous guy would ask it like that! Girl!!!! Red flag, red flag, red flag sigh. Also just out of an eight year relationship that ended badly- healthy people know to not date someone like that so soon. Says he wants monogamy and then says “for now” 🤦🏽‍♀️. I get Anna saying that she may have been shutting him down in her language by emphasizing being friends with benefits but I think she definitely had reason to be concerned.

It´s unbelievable how the parents are the ones responsible for extensive forms of damage but we pay the price twice as they usually have functioning lives while we struggle and spend decades in therapy.

@freeto9139

4 ай бұрын

Maybe, but maybe not ... What appears to be functioning lives for them, isn't always that. They may have a code that their generation learned to operate within; that allows them to function at a rate that seems higher to you. They most likely have wounds you may not ever fully understand, either. This fallen world is full of wounded souls.

@mauricefinn1320

4 ай бұрын

I empathise with you. I choose to see it as a series of life lessons that will eventually result in something good for everyone. It's just that it doesn't always seem that way at the time. Best of luck to you

@louniece1650

4 ай бұрын

​@@mauricefinn1320Now I understand the need to believe in reincarnation. Whatever works.

@louniece1650

4 ай бұрын

@Wandering841, I'm with you 100%. It's no wonder many people, especially parents, get extremely agitated and defensive when it's suggested that parents are 100% responsible for molding their children. Accountability is definitely a four letter word for a myriad of parents.

@houndmother2398

4 ай бұрын

I don't know how functional their lives really are as they don't seem very aware. We on the other hand get to see and feel it all.

Sounds like he was treating her like a girlfriend and enjoying the gf experience but not wanting a relationship. This is so difficult to experience and would confuse anyone.

@Aurla-R2-D2

3 ай бұрын

Exactly!

@strawberrydragon413

3 ай бұрын

Or maybe they just connected intensely quickly, but he had the relationship experience and pragmatism to understand that that doesn't always mean a relationship with a person is a good idea and you should continue getting to know each other. She said she did a lot of talking about her anxieties and fears, which can be a lot for someone you've only known for 2 months. It injects a lot of pessimism into your interactions at a very early point. And he maybe had some reservations about being in a relationship at all at the time. Which is why he was asking what sort of relationship style she preferred to see if they were compatible. Instead of that leading into a conversation about what the two of them mutually wanted out of a relationship, her abandonment trauma was triggered and she spiraled. Perhaps being groomed at age 11 primed her to believe that if a man was interested in her, he would take control of her in a parental way. Which of course, no healthy man is going to do to a woman they are trying to form a partnership with. It also seems like she struggles with boundaries, both enforcing her own and recognizing others', which again, in the context of her childhood makes perfect sense. The truth of it is, coming toe to toe with a more healed person trying to love you, after a lifetime of messaging that told you you were worthless, can almost feel worse or more intense than the abuse. Because at least you knew what to do with that. This new thing has you feeling things you don't trust, but want so badly, and you feel guilty for that desire, and stupid anytime you let yourself think this person might want you, but it scares you so much that they might not. And because you're constantly anxious about this hypothetical future that you want with this person you can't spend any time with them in the present just enjoying them.

@j_u_ss_y

3 ай бұрын

Exactly

@marquistf1996

3 ай бұрын

​@@strawberrydragon413 this was painful to read but makes a tremendous amount of sense. Thank you for expressing your opinion.

@SuspiriaX

3 ай бұрын

@@strawberrydragon413 this

I didn't feel this video had a balanced approach to the situation at hand. The burden of living with CPTSD is not one you can carry alone. While we are responsible for working on it, you cannot learn to trust others without developing relationships with others. It's completely normal and healthy to want validation from a romantic partner, especially 2 months on! You're in that "honeymoon" phase of things - it's meant to be "romantic". I was broken up with yesterday for pushing away and opening up a bit about my circumstances. I felt so much shame until I realized I didn't need to! I wasn't given a real chance to have a relationship with this person cause they decided to shut down more than I ultimately did. We're allowed to have our moments and be met with grace and compassion from others. We're allowed to take time and process our feelings so we can better articulate them. It's so easy to put all the blame on yourself when you have CPTSD, and I don't think Anna was very supportive of Clara and her self-worth. If someone is going to dump you cause you're "too much" or "not enough" for them, then it's not someone you want around you. Don't feel like you have to please a man and be/act a certain way just because you're a woman! Everyone deserves love, regardless of where they are in life.

@Tech-Corner2023

3 ай бұрын

Absolutely!! I agree! I always observe this to be done way more harsher to women then men. Women are constantly instructed, guided, adviced in such a way that we have to walk on egg shells and everything we do is magnified! While the other side, men get cut lots of slack, given more chance and understanding, benefit of doubt, they are empathised with even when they 'act out'...

@dwier1

3 ай бұрын

This is the female perspective. As a man who struggles with emotional regulation, ADHD, and cptsd, I took a lot from this video because it's a harsh truth. Those of us who bond intensely with others tend to push them away because we are so intense. It's not their emotions we're feeling, it's our own. The other is just living their life trying to figure themselves out, and also having to deal with us trying to figure them and us out. They don't "deserve" our type of love and we don't "deserve" their reciprocation. It's all built together over time.

Don’t sleep with people you’re dating until you both agree you’re in a relationship. Don’t have children until you’re married either.

@sagedandy123

3 ай бұрын

Yes

@dianerobinson8837

3 ай бұрын

i was always told you better really like that person because someday sex wont be that important.

I think he was playing with her. He kept hinting at polyamory and asking her about it despite claiming that he wanted monogamy. I think she was right to feel insecure and confused by this.

@OrionOlamPiksie

4 ай бұрын

Thank you

@Aurla-R2-D2

4 ай бұрын

Yes, and he also ghosted her for a week (right before asking her about polyamory). What was he doing during that week (or, rather, who was he doing)?

@daisybarajas23

4 ай бұрын

Yeah that threw it off for me too. He doesn’t sound too interested in commitment, and if he does it won’t be anything lasting… I’d steer clear and keep healing baby girl.

@snapdragon909

4 ай бұрын

Absolutely, she sensed the writing on the wall and asked for clarification

@ShintogaDeathAngel

3 ай бұрын

I agree. Truly polyamorous people tend to be upfront about wanting multiple partners (so wouldn't hint at only wanting monogamy) and tend to be more respectful about consent (not always but certainly a lot more often than guys who want to cheat, but frame it as being poly - while it's still possible to cheat in poly relationships, as it's all based on consent/boundaries/trust, cheating and being poly are still two seperate things).

She wasn't asking for commitment but was trying to figure out what he wanted, since he said one thing (he was looking for monogamy) but hinted at polyamory repeatedly. You don't want to date sou that's not even looking for what you're looking for. That's good to find out early on.

@OrionOlamPiksie

4 ай бұрын

Thank you for this kindness

I don't think you were feeling too much too soon, Clara. If you really like someone you'll just know it. It doesn't take that long to realize your feelings. The purpose of taking things slow is to get to know your potencial partner's values, if you're matchable, if it's reciprocated... Just be cautious on how much of yourself you offer right in the beginning. Sometimes, people can't reciprocate us on the same level (for whatever reason that is). But you deserve to be with someone who likes you just as much as you like them. Period.

5:14 If someone im dating... Randomly ask me if im interested in polygamy or monogamy? Then yeah I'll probably end up spiraling into the questions just like Clara.

@Aurla-R2-D2

4 ай бұрын

Exactly!

@ForrestMystic

4 ай бұрын

Yeah how hard is it to say "I want a serious, exclusive relationship with someone". Asking if someone wants polygamy is not a clarification, it's one of those "well its only a joke ..... Unless? ... No, no, it's a joke hahaha" dudes don't realize how many of them try to finesse us and how well women can spot it. Its just harder to leave and easier to gaslight yourself if you have CPTSD.

@Aurla-R2-D2

4 ай бұрын

@@ForrestMystic ~ Indeed!

@BarbaraMarieLouise

3 ай бұрын

To give him the benefit of the doubt: maybe he wanted to be sure that she want monogamy. Could be that he has a past with another girlfriend or friends or family with this. At two months I can understand that he just asked and was not ready to tell the wound behind the question.

@kk8490

3 ай бұрын

He may know a lot of people who are in polyamorous relationships and think it’s a valid preference that he just doesn’t share because he prefers monogamy. So what’s wrong with him asking her to see if she felt the same?

I actually relate to Clara a lot, I think she is not intense or manipulative, I think she is quite clear that they were just beginning something, BUT, when se felt the inconsistency in her partner, she defaulted to the abandonment wound and looked for reassurance in a title or commitment. I think her gut was right, something was off, and of course as many of us do, she tried to keep him, instead of dealing with the harsh truth.

@Aurla-R2-D2

3 ай бұрын

Indeed!

@Miss_Soular_Supernova

3 ай бұрын

I sensed the same exact thing 🙏🏽

At 2 months he can commit without committing to marrying you. This dude definitely wanted to sleep around. She dodged a bullet. No one in this generation waits 6 months to sleep together. I waited 2 months in my last and that felt like an eternity.

@KnightyKnight

3 ай бұрын

That's an issue though. It takes a long time to know people. A very long time. Know people before giving them so much power over your life.

@SS-in1ts

3 ай бұрын

Some of us do wait. It’s a choice, can’t use this generation as an excuse. The times I’ve waited longest were the most serious and deepest relationships I’ve had.

The mother in this letter makes me so angry. She lost trust? Unbelievable. How dare she.😖

@oc2538

4 ай бұрын

Yes, exactly, the mother betrayed her child again and again for boyfriends and having a good time but somehow her daughter was to blame for being abused!

@Aurla-R2-D2

4 ай бұрын

Indeed!

I feel this. I'm currently dating this guy, and I have certain expectations that we need to communicate everyday (LDR), and there were times when he gets very busy and doesn't communicate as frequently as I wanted to, my emotions go hay wire, i get insecure, i feel like I am too much, but ... I also recognize that I am being unreasonable at times... so what I do, is that I write all my negative emotions in my journal... then in the end... I tell myself... I've been sweet, we communicated that we like each other, we communicated that we are both busy, we communicated that we are NOT in a relationship but we are LOOKING forward into being one in the future especially when I move closer to his place. I tell myself... just... trust the process.. which is a very HARD thing to do.... then, he always... he always comes back to me after the dust of daily life have settled. He gives me his time, and we communicate again.

@alexterieur8813

3 ай бұрын

im in the same place right now. The same cycle and up and downs. I fear i will damage the relationship. He’s showing me a lot of commitment but it feels like never enough. I might need therapy

@jsbrads1

3 ай бұрын

I’ve felt the same when there was an imbalance in each of our communications.

I feel like I get this attached without sleeping with people! It’s bad. I totally feel for this woman. I wish you you could just ask people to show their cards and open their brain to you but that’s not how it works. It’s really hard to say exactly how you feel for all of us. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anna has helped me so much. I can now recognize what’s healthy attachment and what’s not.I was in a long distance narcissistic situationship for just 3 months but it affected me a lot. I thought what we had was a spiritual bond. I put myself through so much just to be accepted by him. I found this channel last year and I now know that it was just limerence. It took me almost a year to regulate myself and realize this. I’m still healing but finding your channel was like finding light✨ I hope everyone heals from abandonment wounds. You’re doing a great service❤

@user-yt8hm4oc5r

4 ай бұрын

I was like you at one time. *I put myself through so much just to be accepted by him.* I now, look at any situation totally different instead of me trying to mold myself to be liked by a specific person. Instead, I ask myself, do I like him, is he a good fit in my life etc. Once, I saw it for what it is much easier to navigate and move on. It's like this if he likes you for who you are he will stay. If not that's ok too. I remind myself sometimes, I am who I am take it or leave

@asvegas777

4 ай бұрын

The story could be mine - just a few more months. I feel exhausted and even ashamed about how long it’s taking to get over and feel like myself again. All my best wishes to anyone dealing with similar stuff.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

4 ай бұрын

So glad you are here! Keep up the great work! Nika@TeamFairy

Your instincts are right. Listen to your gut. He outright told you he's afraid of commitment. I think he's stringing you along. You know it will hurt you, so you're trying to separate yourself from him. Well done. Rip the bandaid before you fall more for him. I don't think he's emotionally available to you (or maybe anyone). Sounds like he's currently looking to date casually, possibly multiple women at the same time. That's fine, but it's not what you want, and he's not being upfront about it with you. That's dishonest and manipulative of him. Trust your gut.

@clawdeeuh07

4 ай бұрын

I don't think we can trust our gut fully when we haven't worked on healing the CPTSD bc we are not emotionally regulated. She has another video all on this. I encourage you to check it out, such great insight

@Aurla-R2-D2

4 ай бұрын

@user-tq4fm4he8i ~ Well said!

This is the first time that I disagree with Anna’s prognosis. Anna’s a saviour, but Clara, girl, this guy doesn’t sound like good news. I’ve been in this situation very recently and god did it NOT end well. What’s important to note here is that Clara didn’t ask him to commit to her after two months, she merely asked if he was willing to CONSIDER having a relationship with her at some point in the future. He didn’t have an answer. If I’ve learnt anything from Anna’s own videos, it’s to steer clear of such people who don’t align with what I want. I went out with a guy, also for 2 months.. We said “I love you” to each other, and 5 days later he left me, saying he didn’t want a relationship. I found out a week later that he was seeing another girl; in fact, he had been seeing her while we were going out. Since we were in a similar situation like Clara’s, I felt like a right fool as my whole life kinda got derailed and all of my trauma wounds bubbled up to the surface. It wasn’t a relationship, but that did nothing to lessen the pain. Btw, this guy also casually brought up threesomes and was obsessed with sex. Thankfully I didn’t sleep with him. I do surmise that he may have left me because he got to have some easy sex with the other girl. When people tell you who they are, believe them. If I were in Clara’s place, with what I know now, I’d RUN.

@Aurla-R2-D2

4 ай бұрын

Totally agree!

@Fefe559

4 ай бұрын

I kind of think the same, all of my relationships there were SUBTLE red flags immediately & I ignored them only to have those EXACT reasons be the the reason to break up 10 years later

@monicanlamppost9631

4 ай бұрын

Eh, I don't always agree with what she says, but I've been in this specific situation too many times to count. I have said these same exact things with the same exact intent of standing up for myself. I know enough now to say the wording used by the letter-writer wasn't a question. It wasn't honest communication. It was a challenge. Even the honest emotion that came through brought a lot of pressure with it - looking for something more, but also too afraid to let down the walls and accept what is actually there. Oof, I cringe at the recognition of myself in this story. At least I (somewhat) recognize what I'm doing now. Whether I'll be able to stop is another question, but at least I recognize it now.

@monicanlamppost9631

4 ай бұрын

I should clarify that I don't think everyone should just throw out their standards for commitment and security. I'm just saying that vague, challenging, or leading questions and hints are not the way!

@Aurla-R2-D2

4 ай бұрын

@@monicanlamppost9631 ~ You expressed that extremely well, and I wholeheartedly agree with what you have said. Additionally, I think that the man in question was not trustworthy, and was using Clara, so she is far better off without him in her life. All best wishes

I have a friend who has done this many many times and they also have a kid who has severe autism. So they jump into a relationship seeing it as "help" and wanting to know right away if the guy is going to commit, if they want to be a dad, etc. If I was giving advice to the OP on top of what the fairy has said, it's to take a step back because they're in a NASCAR race when the other person is in a bumper car (like the ones at the fair that go slow). He doesn't know if he's going to commit, it's been 2 months and he has wounds from those previous relationships. He's on guard. He's not going to jump unless if he knows that he's going to land safely on smooth rocks rather than jumping and falling on pointed rocks. And for OP, their wounds makes them self sabotage because it's proving the deeply rooted beliefs that they have which in turn hurts because it's true (even when it wasn't but they made it become true because when you push someone, eventually they're going to fall) but they need to know that it is and so the cycle continues. This is where the well you don't want a relationship then do you possibly comes from. Dating takes time, it's like a job where you start at the bottom and work your way to the top. It's not going to be easy, it's going to take a long time, but even when you get to the top, you have to maintain it and keep working on it.

I a little bit disagree with this.. after two months of dating and sleeping together he should’ve at least told her he has intentions on being with her. I don’t think it was irrational to expect that.. it wasn’t as if it was the first date.

I can only see one solution to that: go sloooooow and don't have sex as long as possible, see if other person likes you, likes spending time with you, keeps the effort to be in touch, seeks your company....that's my plan for the future anyway 😅😊

Listening to this, I physically feel like I'm going to throw up. And that's why I don't have relationships anymore.

@badgrrrl

4 ай бұрын

Same!

@chrisharris6462

3 ай бұрын

But what about situationships?

@patriot-hj5vx

3 ай бұрын

Why do you want to throw up?

@jsbrads1

3 ай бұрын

@@badgrrrl and Jane, I am sorry to hear that.

In 2 months your date should give clearance if he or she wants to continue into a relationship with each other. Thats the least respect you can give yourself

⚠️I think it also helps in evaluating your relationship when you think how 'someone' is making you feel, instead of how you were feeling about them. Because you may feel happy being with them, but they're not making you feel good. I think the problem of being in a dysfunctional family or being traumatized is that we learned to appreciate little acts of kindness as a coping mechanism to keep our sanity intact. That's why in a relationship, a little affection were seen as a good intention or green flag, instead of seeing it as a bare minimum or deal breaker. Because you were deprived of a healthy love, so it's reasonable why people unconsciously choose people that give them those since those little things were not given and experienced in the first place.

@Aurla-R2-D2

3 ай бұрын

Immensely important points! Thank you for the reminders!

I understand that having sex with some one is extremely intimate. It joins you to that person in the deepest most intimate way.This binds you to that person. This is the way we were made. It is not for recreation. It establishes a bond, and tears out a part of your soul and emotions if the relationship ends

@asvegas777

4 ай бұрын

This is good to keep in mind. On the other hand, two of the most confusing and somehow affecting me for a long time relationships I’ve had didn’t ever involve sex… So it’s a good idea to be careful about it, but it’s not a guarantee that he won’t be entangled with some thing that isn’t the best for us

@Fae313

4 ай бұрын

@@asvegas7771000% same

@thepragmatist

4 ай бұрын

Completely agree.

@ShintogaDeathAngel

3 ай бұрын

In general, it might be true, but it's certainly not the case for everyone.

@ambersummer2685

3 ай бұрын

I agree.

It hurts hearing about other peoples abuse

Whether the letter writer asked too many indirect questions or not, this guy is giving confused answers, and is clearly not interested in anything more than her body and the fact that she's kind. He's here to bask in that kindness, and have a sexual relationship. Letter writer is very young, not feeling confident or worthy enough to state what she's looking for and enforce it with boundaries. I assume she's looking for love and a committed partner which is very fair :) but this guy is not it. He's of his own account "afraid of commitment", which many guys say a lot (instead of "I just want a f*ck buddy I can feed off emotionally too") funny how they don't have an issue with committing to regular sex. There's nothing of substance here for the letter writer's needs and wishes. Your time and person will come honey :) best of luck

@Aurla-R2-D2

4 ай бұрын

Well said!

@thepragmatist

4 ай бұрын

"Funny how they don't have an issue with committing to regular sex." Exactly.

@badgrrrl

4 ай бұрын

I AGREE WITH THIS ASSESSMENT. :) Sorry for the capital letters, but I want to validate the letter writer! 💟 I don't know why Anna is being unnecessarily harsh here. :(

@skinnyguy7773

3 ай бұрын

The fact that she jumped in bed with him so quickly indicates that she wants him for his body just as much :) She went chasing after chad after rejecting a 100 good guys, let her reap what she shows :)

@ShintogaDeathAngel

3 ай бұрын

@@skinnyguy7773 a lot of women bond through sex - men say it's meaningless to them, emotionally, but for women it doesn't seem to be that way. If you were emotionally neglected as a child, you're more likely to try and rush the bonding process - which is probably why she slept with him so soon. She doesn't know how to take it slow because of insecurity. While he might not have wanted the relationship, but benefited anyway.

I was actually in something similar. Yes, we were fast. We are both traumatized, but suddenly she stopped and hurt me. She stonewalled me, kicked me out and said it doesn't feel right anymore, that it was too fast even though she set these fast dynamic. Being together, moving in and so on. It was all too fast, but I agreed in my boundaries. I actually had my conditions for a relationship, for my life, and she checked all the boxes and agreed. She said she had the same. I always checked every step we took with my own feelings, and it felt good. We even talked about the speed. We both knew other pairs that were fast, but it worked out for them. I decided to risk it. I was the first guy that treated her right. I was honest, kind, supportive and actively listened to her. Something no one ever did before. But suddenly all her wishes changed, she didn't want to have a partner anymore, no children and so on. She changed literally overnight. She said she was never alone for longer than three months and continued to go into another relationship as she found me. Why? Because I was actually what she was looking for. A decent guy for once. But she actually wanted to be without a partner for a while, and hated herself for not listening to herself and for doing this to me. She dated in the time after her relationship. Was I just a fix for a relationship jumper? A love addict? A rebound? She broke my heart pretty bad, and I already had trust issues from work and other relationships, but she said she would understand and that it would be alright, but then this.... I knew with her what I wanted. She said all the right things. I thought she was in a situation in which she could heal. I should have asked more about her past, but I didn't want to interrogate her. She seemed so honest and trustworthy. I also thought about if it were Limerence, but I never wanted her to answer messages immediately, but she always apologized so much for absolutely everything without reason and put herself down for a lot of little things. I did so much therapy (single and in groups), I'm on meds and look the video and read the literature. I think I came pretty far, but now I don't know anymore.

@Aurla-R2-D2

4 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry that this happened to you! Stay strong!

@D.M.S.

4 ай бұрын

@@Aurla-R2-D2Thank you!

@user-gs1et6sx4k

4 ай бұрын

I guess reading other people's sad messages when you are upset/beyond exhausted about your own life feels healing, somehow. Well, I will just say that I am sorry for your pain and I hope it will get better for you. I am sure you are a kind lovable person and eventually will have a good partner with you. Stay strong 🌼

@MJBrabantNZL

4 ай бұрын

It sucks how it goes like this, but there is an actual reason for it. It's not just that you're getting someone that got surprised by their own trauma, but so were you. In other words, you don't get what you want. You get your match, instead. You only get what you want when you become the best version of yourself that doesn't have these traumatic responses or anxious mindsets which allows authenticity to take control. Once that happens, you're going to match with someone that has the same mindset. Then everything will be smoother. Traumatized people will eventually sabotage a relationship no matter how slow they take it.

@carlocarpinteri791

4 ай бұрын

Sorry this happened to you. I can relate. It sounds to me she is in the borderline spectrum

Maybe I'm wrong but I don't find it that crazy that in 2 months you'd want an exclusive relationship lol not a super serious commitment like "I will definitely marry you someday" type of way but yeah, a monogamous one where you're still getting to know each other but you don't want to see anyone else and you're developing feelings. If you really like the other person and you find them kind and caring, why not. I think she's not wrong in her feelings because what she's saying is that they not only had s e x (I don't want to get banned) but they had intimacy. He's sleeping in your bed while you're making breakfast and getting ready to do some telecommuting? I'd think it's getting somewhere too. And he's aware of her problems and he's seeing that their intimacy and closeness are triggering her but he's still sleeping with her and staying in her place? I'd be confused too. Idk.

@Aurla-R2-D2

4 ай бұрын

Totally agree!

@ewalala682

3 ай бұрын

i agree 100%

@Dr_Agon3

3 ай бұрын

Yeah, it’s bullshit that someone would be confused about their intentions towards you after two months. This is how dating was in old fashioned times. Today it’s this keeping all options open forever business, so I found this video a bit stupid. Sure, not having sex is good to do as well but I digress

@hoseaesp6309

3 ай бұрын

My last "relationship" we dated for 4 months and I've never experienced that before, all my previous relationships we dated for 3-4 dates and got to know each other for about 1-2 weeks before making things exclusive. My previous dating thing was with a girl 6 years younger then me and was the youngest ive dated and her ideas of dating/relationships made me feel so insecure. I ended things because after talking to her, she admitted that she was dating me until she found someone better. I was shocked but also not surprised at the same time because she kept me at arms length most times but there were times was she felt comfortable being vulnerable with me. I just had the feeling that she was fighting herself and taking advice from crazy podcast and from some of her friends that were actually kinda anti-men. She told me she was waiting for the perfect guy and I told her that relationships often take time to grow but yeah we both wanted different things in the end.

@Aurla-R2-D2

3 ай бұрын

@@hoseaesp6309 ~ Thank you for sharing your experiences. Very interesting. I'm so sorry that she was using you like that. Dreadful. All best wishes ^_^

I love all of the insight and care you provide, Anna! I'm curious men don't seem to write in. There are soooooooo many of us men that could really benefit from this content. Our childhoods were pretty crappy, as well, unfortunately. Keep up the great work, though!!!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

4 ай бұрын

Glad you are here! Thank you for watching! Nika@TeamFairy

I have to say that I have a huge problem with dating in such way. I do not want to date anyone (not for a few weeks and absolutely not for a few months) who does not know if they want a relationship or not. And who does not know if they want relationship with just one person or maybe not. It is not about commiting early on, in is but about beeing on the same page.

Hi Anna, I just wanted to give you support for this wonderful video because of your courage and integrity to be honest even when you know it will cause many in your audience to disagree. Reading the comments, I realized that many of us with childhood trauma and abandonment wounds forget that sometimes our actions NOT being validated is just as crucial to our healing as being validated is. Also thank you for consistently showing that you really do care more about helping people heal than you do about making money; the fact that you are willing to not automatically vilify the guy and call us out when we're in the wrong even at the risk of losing customers is proof.

I have disorganised attachment and it's been a killer - the result of intermittent rewards/affection & unpredictability in childhood. 12-Step and two years' worth of therapy have helped change me. One thing I've learned is the importance of total honesty with self, world & other. Be honest with yourself first - own how you really feel & what you really want (without shame). The good people to have in your life starts to work out pretty quickly after that 😂

@stormtrooper_

4 ай бұрын

How is it going for you now?

@Alexis-ec9cl

3 ай бұрын

I agree

I highly recommend the book MIND GAMES The Dual Facets of Manipulation and Dark Psychology

I can relate to this lady with the leading questions I have done the same when dating. It was a way to try to control the pace while feeling so insecure.

I'm sorry but two months it's more than enough time to know that you want to try a relationship with someone. Yes, noone knows if it will succeed but you know if you like the person enough. It's actually very telling if a man for that time still doesn't know if he wants to try a relationship. In the beginning both people are bombarded with bonding hormones anyways. So that's actually a bad prognosis. You are sending her to someone who is - "nah, I don't care what this is. I'm not going to try to assure you I want you around"

@kaylee7518

4 ай бұрын

Is it? Or is that just how we’re conditioned to go about relationships? I’m not saying you or Anna are wrong, but a relationship is about real commitment and there are people out there who don’t know if they’re ready only 2 months in of dating someone.

@lamentate07

3 ай бұрын

@@kaylee7518 The problem is with the dating culture itself, which is actually a pretty modern phenomenon, not about the amount of time required. It is a very mixed bag in terms of results, especially how westerners date.

@mist3995

3 ай бұрын

I feel conflicted about this and this is one of the reasons that I wonder if I'm demi sexual or if there's something wrong with me. I need to know someone before feeling attraction to them, I need to have "something" to start dating them and 2 months doesn't seem like enough time for me to know if I like them, it's usually 3-6 months. But maybe there is something wrong with me? I really wish I could do things like everyone else, romantic relationships seem so difficult to understand for me :/

@LoveZelda3

3 ай бұрын

​@@mist3995 If you work that way it's just the way you work. It's not wrong, it's just your particular bounding style. Try taking time with people and try your way forward.

@mist3995

3 ай бұрын

@@LoveZelda3 It clearly doesn't work :/

So am I to believe she was 11 years old and dating an 18 year old?? That's terrible. Where's the Mother and Father to intervene and tell that guy to get lost??

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 ай бұрын

Yes, terrible.

@aaronbryan5095

3 ай бұрын

Wait what, she was only 11? That is messed up. Won't the guy get in trouble for doing “things” with a minor? Also, how the hell does a kid even know what's monogamy and what's polygamy? I don't even know how the genitalia of the opposite gender looks like when I was 11, let alone the meaning of terms like these.

@jsbrads1

3 ай бұрын

@@aaronbryan5095 no one did anything about it, not even the mother 😮

@KD-ou2np

Ай бұрын

She called him her partner. You said the word dating. But neither of these words apply. This was an adult sexually abusing and grooming a child. Not even a young teen, not to say that would make it better either.

Sorry the end of my comment didn't make sense. As I'm sure you worked out that I meant, as you said, being too needy is not a good reason to try to earn their love with sex. Every time I've done that my self esteem & mental health has taken a hit.

Ladies, asking leading questions is seen by men as manipulation. Just ask what you actually want to know. Then, you won't have the spector of doubt that remains from indirect communication. This does require you to know what your question actually is.

@texasstardust6010

4 ай бұрын

...Wow, this was such a good Comment..... and yes. Men do see this as Manipulation. ...which is b o t h saddening and Truthful.

@MadAboutBrows

4 ай бұрын

​@@texasstardust6010 maddening

@vivianworden2706

4 ай бұрын

It's seen by everyone as manipulation.

@skipskiperton4992

4 ай бұрын

as a man, thank you

@OrionOlamPiksie

4 ай бұрын

Thank you

Disorganized attachment... Interesting. Gotta name it to tame it. I've done this more with friend groups, but it definitely also happened in a dating relationship when I was young.

@Fefe559

4 ай бұрын

That’s what I was thinking. I Do this or have done it. It’s messed up

This is very true. I was encouraged to try online dating by my two adult sons. It was a black dating site that required a monthly subscription. My sons took nice faces and body pics that didn’t show cleavage or anything. I carefully completed my profile. Two surprising things. Men respond to online messages after work. Most requests or messages occurred overnight. The next day I had over fifty messages. And mostly from white men. Careful And open-minded at the same time. I never dated a white man. I met some very nice men. We chatted and spoke for months before meeting. It wasn’t some desperate attempt. We both gradually decided when we were comfortable. You don’t even know if you are going to like someone after three or four months of dating. I have always considered dating to mean. Not necessarily exclusive. Unless you BOTH have that conversation. And you both agree to be exclusive.

out of sudden the guy asked if she was poly or mono and that was the bizzarre thing, (not her reaction!), this question was an unexpected fart within a developing connection, the author of the letter asked the right question - if he was planning to see other people and his nonsense answer confirmed what she was sensing - he was going to use her.. Maybe there was some clumsiness but it was the guy that planted chaos and confusion, not the author of the letter..the author of the letter was not too eager to bond, she only found out that the guy wasn´t interested in treating her in a serious way..no, no, it is not so complicated,a man knows very soon if he wants to be with a woman or just use her, and this one is a user

@Aurla-R2-D2

3 ай бұрын

Agreed!

Story of my life I’ve been doing a ton of inner work for years and I still did this w the last guy I recently dated 🤦🏽‍♀️

My heart goes out to Clara.

@ewalala682

3 ай бұрын

aka. Carla 🙈

Lately i realised my childhoold is screwed..

@Bunny11344

4 ай бұрын

Most of us were but it doesn’t make you a broken person. Sadly I think it’s normal to get bruised along the way in life as long as you’re able to be recognize and self reflect and continue toward healing and tools to self soothe

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

4 ай бұрын

You're in the right place. Hope you will find help here. Nika@TeamFairy

I must say that I disagree with Anna's assessment of the situation. Her narrative is going like this: they have been sleeping for 2 months and not knowing each other at all and now she is pressing for commitment due to her disorganized attachment style. And the advice is to get back to him because he is a perfect match and to stop sleeping together? It does not add up to me because I honestly think that this guy is a user who is sleeping on her bed and most likely still willing to look around and keep his options open. I honestly think he is also manipulative and he lost me with the comments what she thinks about polygamy and telling her he cannot promise to commit to her and he is not sure how he feels about her? I would honestly tell this guy to get lost and come back when he is sure I am the right one and the only one and wish him goodbye. He seems to be telling her things to keep her shut and to be triggering her insecurities. In general I find the advice to seek a therapist very good and to take it slow but this guy is a lost case.

@Aurla-R2-D2

3 ай бұрын

Totally!

I disagree. He was asking about polygamy, anna. She was right to break up

@JaysonT1

4 ай бұрын

What!? With the information we have, he was asking for clarification from her that she wanted monogamy.

@ForrestMystic

4 ай бұрын

@@JaysonT1 why would you even ask that, though? I would have spiraled as well hearing that from a man. The way you say it is, "I only want to date you. I want to be exclusive." If you ask about polygamy, it's only clarification if she says no. It's an interest if she says yes.

@badgrrrl

4 ай бұрын

He was the manipulative one, not the girl who wrote the letter. He's a classic fuckboy.

@Tech-Corner2023

3 ай бұрын

@@JaysonT1people who want polygamy are still minority and exceptional.. most people, especially women, especially like the young woman in the description, would by default want monogamy. If your intention is not polygamy yourself, you would not ask it that way, even if you wanted to clarify what you want, you would have said, I am looking for monogamistic relationship, what about you? So in this case, he is the one in fault.

@JaysonT1

3 ай бұрын

@@ForrestMystic Absurd. You're doing A LOT of mind reading and assuming.

This is so identical to a situation I was in. 😢 ai don't agree with Anna this time. He was using her for sex. 2 months is not too soon to know if there is possible relationship material ❤

Oh Fairy, you are a unique and important voice in this world. ❤️

I would LOVE to date for real if dating were meeting someone in an interesting or pleasant place and chatting to get to know them. However for men, dating gets physical almost immediately. This turns me off so much I just don't date. At all.

'When purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable' - Myles Munroe, Understanding The Purpose And Power Of Woman

@MadAboutBrows

4 ай бұрын

Why would the leader of a patriarchal religious group have any insight into how women "should" behave? Patriarchy leads to abuse, full stop.

OMG the title alone is SO me!!! Going to listen to this tomorrow!

Its not ok for people not to talk and commit to one another after 2 months. This American culture needs to stop normalizing the lack of individual responsibility and commitment. It starts with accountability at the dating statge.

@dinameshrif6430

4 ай бұрын

Thank you!

@badgrrrl

4 ай бұрын

THIS. So much this!

@Tech-Corner2023

3 ай бұрын

I agree! I sensed Americanness in it! I lived there too before. Whoever created this "dating" emphasis and its own strange rules, harm many people, especially women! This is not loto, and this is not just offering your body, emotions, time and energy to someone to 4-6 months, whatever that 'dating rule' is till you can even ASK the question. How strange. Even asking the question is considered pushing away, being 'too much' after full 2 months of spending lots of time and being physical?? It is offensive to human nature, given women will have more problem with this, will be hurt more, it is more offensive to them too.

@katchaos3677

3 ай бұрын

With cptsd it's hard to do relationships due to trauma so when we love someone who doesn't love us it's not his fault but it feels like a stab to the chest at the same time if he gave us hope of being special and loved

@ambersummer2685

3 ай бұрын

@@Tech-Corner2023So what you’re saying is that I need to move out of the US to find love?😂😭 Because I’m so tired of this bs and too scared to fall for anyone again.

🙏 Thank you. Your videos are always in perfect time.

In the early 1980's, I traveled to some remote places and met some interesting people. One was a Buddhist monk from Tibet. He told me that when we have physical intercourse with a person, it creates an invisible bond,. He said it is a bond of energy and of karma. It takes seven years to dissolve that bond, even if it is one instance of intercourse, and even if we never speak to, see, or think of that person afterwards. We are still connected. So every person we are intimate with, we stay connected to in our emotional body, for seven years from the last intimacy. We carry some of them, with us, whether we are aware or not, they still influence us, and effect us. That conversation caused me to rethink how I viewed intimacy, and casual physical exchanges. And I changed my actions, and I can say, I was never so free and able to say "no" to things I would have previously said yes to, and then suffered the aftermath of, until I started asking myself: Do I want a quantum entanglement with this person for the next seven years? The anwer is no, surprisingly often.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing this with us! Nika@TeamFairy

Once again those video comes at the exact fight moment in my life. Thank you so much for helping each of us at whichever moment in time we are 🙏🏾💛

Pacing love is ... wow. When you get that right. ... winning.

I certainly heard the truth in your assessment, here! Tracked with where it was going, even. Reminds me of a quote from Buckminster Fuller: "It is understood That if you know that I know How to say it "correctly " (The exact meaning of which I have not yet learned) Then I am entitled to say it All incorrectly Which once in a rare while Will make you laugh. And I love you so much Whenever you laugh. But I haven't learned yet What love may be But I love to love And love being loved And that is a whole lot of unlearnedness."

You're videos are so full of compassion, empathy and courageous honesty - thank you 🙏

This is me, I would do this when I was young. I got tired of the games and unavailable people and pretty much went the other way and said forget it. Not what I recommend, but I'm 65 now, so......

@ForrestMystic

4 ай бұрын

Yeah you have to have amazing resilience to survive dating these days. Or luck.

Dearest CCF, I like your enlightining insights put with so much comprehension and kindness and at the same time, your insights being very open, sharp and always on topic, soooo much!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 ай бұрын

Thank you for watching and for your comment! Nika@TeamFairy

Thank you so much. This was exactly what I needed.

Thank you sooooooo much!! Her dating experiences reflect some of mine and this was extremely helping in my self-healing/self-reflection journey

I’ve done something very similar to this and I’m still feeling the shame from being so invested in the guy so early on. It ended quite badly because I had a hard time letting go. It’s been over a year now but I’m still having a hard time getting over this since it’s a constant pattern in my dating life. How can I cope with the embarrassment of it all without drowning myself in guilt?

@_orange_coffee_

4 ай бұрын

Try to forgive yourself. Observe your patterns, write them down and try to understand why you did them so you won’t repeat them. Try to change the way you look at yourself. I tried doing this and it helped me. I hope it helps you too.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

4 ай бұрын

Daily Practice can help. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy

Anna, thank you for talking about the distinction between dating and being in a relationship. I have had confusion about this my whole life. I, too, have disorganized attachment and could relate strongly to this letter.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

4 ай бұрын

Glad the video was helpful! Nika@TeamFairy

Thank you so much CCF. This topic REALLY helped me with my current situation/relationship.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

19 күн бұрын

Glad it was helpful! Nika@TeamFairy

This is so off topic but your hair slays

I think Clara was right to ask for a commitment since the other person is participating in developing the relationship, he is not oblivious to how he is making her feel and it's not fair to expect all the perks of a relationship without the responsibility.

Man

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

4 ай бұрын

Thank you for taking the time to comment. We're so glad to hear the Daily Practice helps you! Keep up the great work! Nika@TeamFairy

I needed to see this!!

Wow thank you Fairy! I'm in a very similar situation and can relate to so much of what's been said here. I've been debating over what to do about it, and what you told this woman clicked for me in a crazy way! I've got my answer now. I don't know where your beliefs lie, but as a believer I do want to thank you for being God's messenger in my life at literally just the right moment. Your videos are awesome keep them going!

I appreciate Anna’s advice but I’m in the same exact boat as Cara & even though it could be argued I jumped the gun ending that connection, it would be the same if I tried to fix things. I would still be anxious, overthinking, expecting things to be further along than they are, etc. Despite my best effort to self soothe when I was dating this guy, I struggled really hard. We’ll never be fully healed but I need to at least get to a point where I trust myself and can regulate. The only relationships I’ve been in were unhealthy and moved super fast (because I was with other unhealthy people). This was the first time dating a normal guy who has his own life, that doesn’t revolve around me, on top of my trust/abandonment issues, if he didn’t text me one day or we only hung out once a week or he didn’t want to see me on the weekends, I was SURE he was awful, had malicious intentions, etc. So I would just spiral. He reached out to me a few days ago, the door isn’t closed, but I know I can’t go back. It’s not the right time. I’m embracing my singlehood for real this time.

@natalienava5896

4 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing. I can relate. Def learning to make the distinction between my anxious fears speeding up the pace & when a guy is avoidant and unaware. If I could just HOLD my boundaries and slow down the pace. So many people use sex as a false form of intimacy and it makes it way to complicated for me!

Learn our Lessons- Healing. Speak Honestly about what you want and need.🥰

when both people are obvious cptsd....that's a fun trip NOT At least for me it encouraged me to start counseling.

My childhood was identical to the author of the letter in manny ways and this finally explains why every person I’ve ever dated and they payed attention to me, I fell for very hard, despite them often not being a very good match. I could only bring myself to dating one person at a time. If not, I felt like a cheater, as long as there was a plan for another date, I considered us to be in a relationship, even if I had not touched the person physically. I wasn’t a browser of the dating market, more like an impulse buyer. Definitely not healthy for me, but makes sense now.

I don't think it's normal and ok not to have expectations after 2 months. That doesn't mean to make promises for our future together, that means he doesn't date while dating with me. Because the guy doesn't have to marry me but if he's going to have a date anybody else he should say it first 'cause then it could be me that don't want to continue just waiting if the other person decides to pick me. This is the initial freedom ... we see each other with our best intentions. The world is full of common men and if you ask for many of them they could be all their life in this fase of "no commitment yet but sex and fun yeaaah". I've wasted 7 years in this never ending story. Just ask, no drammatic but you have right to know if there's this kind of red flag waste your time guy in front of you.

this was very helpful, thank you..

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 ай бұрын

So glad! Nika@TeamFairy

You are very helpful in this world

I would like to hear the whole story without interruptions, so I can form my own opinion, and after that hear your take. Compare notes. This video left me feeling confused, and I know that means something doesn't add up for me. Another option would be leaving the letter in the description box. Makes it easier to follow along.

Thanks for the another good video.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 ай бұрын

Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

At the end of the day us women need to not sleep with men without a commitment. A commitment that isn't juat words but proven over time. The thing is if Carla had said "well I don't want to keep sleeping with you, we can go out but no more sex." Would he be there for her? I don't think so because taking the sex off the table again would be seen as a manipulation by men.

I think she needs someone who can give her more affection. Maybe he's not for her.

I am going through the same feelings of insecurity with someone I'm dating. It's so frustrating 😫 I wish I would've been more prepared for dating and dealing with the opposite sex, but I spent my childhood, teens and even some adult years under a rock controlled by my parents. 😢

A great one!!!

Hey there, are there any videos out there for when youre in a GOOD HEALTHY relationship but are sabotaging it with CPTSD / Anxious attachment issues. I can find a million (amazing) videos on when you’re in a bad relationship, but I am in a good one, my partner is a great guy but is rightly worried about my CPTSD and anxious attachment style rearing it’s head all the time.

This happened to me 2 years ago and it was just insane reflecting on that.

This really applies to my current situation, and how I ask questions.

Everyone talks about parents, but nobody talks about crappy things friends do in childhood. My childhood wasn't crap in the least, but my issues, which aren't even really bad, aren't typical of everyone else's. My parents tried hard and meant well, I was more fawned over by my mum, and I usually got lectures from my dad rather than emotional support, and I got discouragement and reality checks for my dreams instead. Other than that, nothing awful. When I was in school, I was left by myself by all of my friends most of the time. I had good friends outside of school, but during school hours at break time, I was usually playing alone. My friends would hang with me for a little while, then say they're going to hang out with someone else now, or after we ate, they went off somewhere else. So, I felt abandoned by my friends basically, in school time. In the end I only had my imagination to play with. Nothing to do with my parents! So what if my sense of insecurity comes from my peers rather than my family?

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 ай бұрын

Childhood trauma is not only related to abusive parents or other family members, but can also be caused by friends and acquaintances. If you'd like to hear Anna's insights about your experience, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters Nika@TeamFairy

i needed to hear the 3-6 months dating tip!!

Can you imagine being 18 and dating an 11 year old? And the mom traveling the world and leaving her behind? I feel sorry for this lady

my phone gotta be listening in bc why is she me

I completely relate to this. Sounds like my last 2 experiences with guys I was into. I dropped them both. I do feel that I expect too much too soon. 😩 glad i finally see that & glad I came across this video. I’m ready to work on this. That’s the good news

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 ай бұрын

You got this! We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

This happens to me with potential friends.

I’m so sorry

You are amazing

Anna, I'd like to ask if you would please make one of your seminar type videos on this topic of dating v being early in a relationship. If I really like someone i have a tendency to want to be a couple quickly. I have compassion for Carla but I'd like a video that does not focus on one person's story. I can relate to the topic but not to her personal story. I hope this makes sense. Thank you.

Love you Lady Anna ❤

I’m so in the dark about the normal progression of a relationship. I hate the feeling of not really knowing if I’m in front of a red flag, or if I’m just expecting too much at the start of something.. It hurts me to think that I could either be pushing a potential love away, or that if I’m not careful I could get into an emotionally abusive situation. I’m trying to get educated on this, but it’s been a while and having feelings for someone and having childhood abandonment wounds makes things very complicated to process while dating.

Hi Anna. As you know I am a fan of your videos. Are you aware that you called this woman Clara and then started to call her Carla toward the middle of this video? The subject matter was very helpful for those of us who foolishly "rush in" to Limerant sexual relationships before being confident with that the intent to commit to a real relationship, leading to some trust & security.

I think he is stringing her along. And is very fond of the kind of affection he gets from clara but not really feel it **for her. I've felt this way, they're v casual sometimes if not evil.

Two months or 6 to 8 dates is more than enough time to know if you want to commit and see where things go. Much more than that and the other person doesn't want a relationship and is just enjoying your company. A guy knows after that much time if he's serious or not. But putting sex on the backburner is best to do until after commitment if one attaches after sex.

@Bunny11344

4 ай бұрын

💯 I was on a few dates with guys who were meh and said we are just seeing each other. I’m so glad I never put out. My bf told me on our first date he wanted us to be gf/bf and exclusive and told me he is sure about us reassurance I’ve never gotten from those guys in the past. If he’s into you he will do anything to let you know. They will move mountains to be with you. When they’re lukewarm and meh and they’re not

@daria668

4 ай бұрын

agreed

@heyhey-se1wv

3 ай бұрын

I think the point is that people with cptsd should take their time dating because we can attach easily, miss red flags, easily fall for the wrong person, lack boundaries and can get stuck in relationships with ppl who aren’t good for us…