I am the daughter you speak of, Sam. Hurts like hell and no one understands the pain unless you have endured it yourself. Everything added up once my mom said, ‘You are dead to me.’ My goodness is not tolerated anymore. She is 84, I’m 58, and I no longer have a relationship with my mother. I told her, over and over, through my life as her ‘parent’, that she had to get a hold of her unjustified envy of others- not knowing that I was igniting her contempt and covert hatred of me. I would have left this relationship in the 90s myself, had she not been my mother because I knew our family was dysfunctional and toxic. I tried to make it work and was the go-between in triangles of gossip, Church bs, guilt, abuse. Thank God I have a life of my own and I am free from the vampires called, ‘family’. My mother ruined our family and extended relationships and I told her so. She really wants me dead and also said in recent years, ‘You know, lots of parents outlive their kids.’ She’s always had joy on her mean face when she said sadistic things - another red flag and clue that these people are just not good; they’re heartless and mean.

@leylayildirim4718

5 ай бұрын

😊

@deanshort9011

5 ай бұрын

The adult in me would have told your mother that in a small probability of cases she might be right but, actuarially, she’s just delusional. Not that she would care. But the personal satisfaction of calmly saying this would be the point. Intellectually deflecting her sadism would soothe your inner sense of self. The nerve of some people towards others is just appalling. I wish you peace.

@lentil262626

5 ай бұрын

I can totally relate to your experience😥. I walked away from my 'mother', and her two flying monkeys - my narcissist brother and sister, 4.5 years ago after my father passed away. He was basically a good person, but controlled by her also, making him an enabler. However, I am very fortunate to have a wonderful husband of 34 years. Unlike my brother and sister, who have both been divorced twice and will no doubt marry and divorce again. If I hadn't met my husband at 20 years old, I don't think I would have seen my 25th birthday. I manage major depression and anxiety but manage to be highly functional. Even though I went NO CONTACT, she still tries by whatever means possible to manipulate and play 'games'. I hate her. She is evil. Her immense hatred of me has an extra layer to the usual narcissistic mother. When I was 5 years old, she tried to murder all of us. She was a pharmacist, so knew EXACTLY what she was doing. Long story short, when it was my turn to be drugged, I refused to keep it down, vomiting it up twice into the sink. I then watched while my family 'died' (fell unconscious) before my eyes, and when I couldn't wake anyone, ran to my Aunts home to get help. They were rushed to hospital, I was taken to my grandmother's. Not ONE WORD was spoken to me about what I'd seen and experienced. When they eventually recovered, I was dumped back in that house and left to deal with the enormity of what had happened, alone. I recently found out from my aunt that 'mother' was resuscitated 3 times, that my then 2 year old sister was extremely close to death and my 8 year old brother and father were also critically ill. I know this sounds awful, but my life would have been better had she NOT been revived. She has tortured me ever since for fucking up her murderous plan. What hurts the most is that she got off scott free. No charges were brought, no child services involved. Apparently, my aunt informed me recently that her and my mothers aunt (my greataunt), who was a very wealthy woman, made it all 'disappear'!!! At the very least, my 'mother' should have been put into a psychiatric hospital for long and intensive treatment or gone to prison. But nothing. I have already decided that when she eventually dies (although she's so evil, she'll probably outlive me), I will NOT be attending her funeral. I had always thought that if she requested to see me on her deathbed, I would show her one final act of kindness and go to see her. But just this week, she tried another stunt, trying to use some special things of my dead father', gifts I had given him, made for him, while he was alive, to try and manipulate me. Instead of contacting her, I had a close friend (he's like family) of my husbands and mine text her to say he would pick them up. With that, she said NO, she will only give them directly to me. I have directed him not to reply to her text. She can rot in hell. She did her best to destroy any contact between me and my dad, especially in the last two years of his life by making contact with him almost impossible. To now be using gifts I gave him (I spent years researching and then designing his family tree and had it framed. His mum died when he was 10 and he had no family history/connection) to once again try to manipulate me and be cruel, is the final straw!!!. If she requests to see me on her deathbed, at this point unless there's a miracle (I don't actually believe miracles even exist) she will go to her death without seeing me. Part of me feels pity for her. What happened to her that she is so disordered? Talking at length with my aunt, who is her twin sister, plus another aunt, hasn't shed light on how or why she is like she is. I guess it will remain a mystery. But part of me takes the hard stance that at any stage she could have sought help, especially after the attempted homicides/suicide, but blatantly refused and as a result has inflicted her sickness on everyone around her. Even though I've been the scapgoat and received the vast majority of her abuse, I have faired better in myself that the rest of them. My poor father (when he was alive), and my brother and sister all suffer from severe bi-polar disorder with clinical psychosis. I escaped with only major depression and anxiety. Four out of five members of my nuclear family of origin take medication for mental health issues, while 'ground zero' that evil witch boasts how she's never been on medication. She is the worst kind of creature.

@black_velvet_cat

Ай бұрын

Do you have any advice for me? I live in Portugal and my mother in Brazil. I needed to return to Brazil to organize documents. I hadn't lived under the same roof as my mother for 20 years. and it has been simply unbearable. I have reacted very badly to constant aggression, and I oscillate between wanting to die or kill her. How can I last a few more weeks?​@@lentil262626

I'm a first born child of a narcissistic father. This video describes me so well, it feels like being exposed. I was a very empathetic child, so I became the scape goat, the truth teller and my father punished me day after day and now that i realize the results of surviving my childhood, I am working hard every day to overcome the barriers put in place by being parentified. Your videos are a blessing for someone trying to overcome all these challenges, I just want to discover who I really am.

You described my family 100%. I went no contact with all of them. It was the best decision of my life. I not once ever missed either one of my family members. Glad I escaped that hell hole.

5 years no contact

I am always amazed how Prof Vaknin describes this sh!t, which most of us lived through, with such incredible detail and accuracy.

Speaking for me, silencing my voice, shutting me down, the guilting and shaming.

I will never get over the fact that i don't, in fact, have a completely unique story and in fact my mother experience is psychological and IDENTICAL to the things you describe.

Narcissistic mothers make everyone but themselves responsible for how miserable they are. You will always be inadequate & feel like a disappointment. "Everything I am I owe to my mother" ....it's true, weather she likes it or not.

a curious fact: I'm Brazilian and I listen to this video in English with my narcissistic mother in the same room. She started to complain about my clothes but stopped herself by asking, "Are you studying mothers?" She dont understand the language, but this word she understands. She is an actress and is fascinated by BEING A MOTHER, it is the role of her life, she says.

Dr Vaknin you just told the story of my life as the child of my narcissistic father. I’m the child narc that was taken down off her pedestal to evolve into a borderline. Thank you 🙏

Very rarely I encounter someone who can speak in poetic, poignant way without falling into trap of saying nothing important at all. You have an unique treasure of skills - insight, and ability to convey it perfectly. Thank You, for taking time to make it available for everyone.

My ex mother in law behaves like this with my soon to be ex husband hence why we are soon to be divorced

In spite of the fact that I find out my mum as a covered n. there are moments I can't believe in it. That's why I am listening lots of podcasts and trying to understand. After 8 years she passed away I couldn't live my life. I missed her....2 years ago I started my recovery and my journey back along passed traumas and all the Staff( depression, anxiety, zero of self-esteem, eating disorders, dissociation, self-hatred etc.) I am slowly trying to dig out my true nature, my soul: just my personality. Thank you for sharing the truth.

My mother in law is clearly a N, I’ve known it for years, and thankfully my wife has finally accepted it. The fascinating (awful) thing is the effect she’s (MIL) had on her 6 children. One is clearly a N, as well, the others have developed varying, clear defense mechanisms, aside from my wife, who was subsequently hurt and confused, often. Common among all of them is a lack of proper emotional response to behaviors in others (I.e. rudeness, irrationality, or other “red flag” behaviors) that would typically cause one to set a boundary, or be a “deal breaker”. I’d say they’re subsequently very poor judges of character. Any direction is appreciated, as I would like to help my wife recover. Thanks 🙏

Brilliant! Thanks dr Vaknin. Summarises my parents to a T. Made distance between us by leaving the country as soon as I could. It took me a while to deal with guilt tripping. Setting a boundaries and managing expectations is a real life skill. Glad to report, it is doable to maintain relationship from a disrance.

Thank you for validating my thoughts and experiences with mothers that envied their children. I’m glad I wasn’t an only child. The toxicity was sadly spread to 5 of us. That means I didn’t get a fatal dose. I have a lot of healing work to do, though.

As most have commented it has been a very painful and very confusing life journey. I am so so grateful and so appreciative of your time and the sharing of your knowledge, gaining understanding is empowering while stabling for the mind and emotions. Thank you Prof. Sam Vaknin 🙏😊

Confronting truths thanks. In denial, splitting and repressing my narcissist, threatened parents who guilt trip, dysregulate and punish any individuating of narcissistic supply. Great explanation of my repetition compulsion, mimicry and ambivalent insecure attachment at work

Wow so insightful!

Again a fantastic, informative video! Thank you professor!

Thanks Prof for another great video!

Thank you!

WOW, fascinating to say the least.

Very interesting! Thank you !

Mr. Vaknin - I'm the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Now that I have a child of my own, my mother is objectifying my daughter for supply. Is this common behavior?

@samvaknin

5 ай бұрын

Yes.

@rubberbiscuit99

4 ай бұрын

Please protect your child from the narcissist.

My wifes eldest son was cut off completely when he got his first girlfriend. My wifes envious to the point of extreme, she can not tolerate anyone being happy and her son "dared" to put his girlfriend before her ...... and he has paid the price. He visited at our home for Christmas and she would not even come out of her room to offer Christmas Greetings.

Prof. Vaknin, are you familiar with the work of Russel Meares? I read his book “Metaphor of Play” about development and treatment of the damaged sense of self of BPD and developmental trauma patients. I found it very insightful. If you ever have a chance to read his work I would be very interested in your take on the Model he created for BPD treatment.

I am 54 and

I’m in a crazy dynamic: My husbands ex is definitely over the top like this- my step daughter, 15, is just like her. The poor 13 year old son is regularly mentally abused by her. We are in the court battle of my life. So many lies to prove but we have a plethora of evidence. It’s a 4 month young marriage and the ex is crazy jealous! We are around 50. I’m beside myself witnessing how viscous this mother is to her children. She’s relentless..

Por favor professor quanto tempo demora para esquecermos um narcisista

Thank You very much Professor Vaknin. Have you any videos pertaining to ‘punning mania’ labelled ‘Wiltselsucht?’

@samvaknin

5 ай бұрын

It is a neurological disorder.

Does that mean that for children of narcissistic parent it's impossible to heal, escape from the zombie state?

@mimi42428

Ай бұрын

Going no contact is your only option in order to have a healthy life

There is an ongoing criminal case being unravelled in India. The Suchetna child murder case. Prof. Vaknin, it will be of interest to you. It's a textbook example of all that you teach about.

Sam, how do you change the snapshot after its already been taken to

@samvaknin

5 ай бұрын

You can change it only to a persecutory object (enemy) during the devaluation phase.

Great video Sam 😊 Being the only daughter of a borderline mother could lead to that this daughter become a psychopath ?

@samvaknin

5 ай бұрын

Could - although psychopathy is partly genetically-determined.

@elodiedupont9672

5 ай бұрын

Thanks

Professor Vaknin, can a whole family be mentally ill, with both parents narcissists (one overt, the othe covert), as well as the siblings (again covert and overt), except for a lone black sheep, or scapegoat?

@samvaknin

4 ай бұрын

Extremely rare.

@Dystopia2024

4 ай бұрын

@@samvaknin Thank you for your time.

@johedges5946

4 ай бұрын

​@sI am one of these children (now 62) amvaknin

I m daughter of narcasstic mother...m all fine till m not close to my mother then my mother started interfairing in my friend and started behaving as she is my friend and slowly she started micromanaging my life and making me a dead now m not able to take any decision on my own and my physical and mental health are at stake I feel like I should obey her in order to need validated I need her validation in every decision even when m talking to my friends she will micromanage the conversations ...I m sucidal I don't know how to come out of this hell...why this happened to me I have too many questions in my mind

@marquese1960

5 ай бұрын

Keep watching the channel and learning and you will slowly start to heal.❤❤❤

@caaspirant1942

5 ай бұрын

@@marquese1960 it's very tough for me to heal I feel like I have forgotten myself I don't know myself I need validation from everyone around me to feel m ok..i have become people pleaser I feel like something is wrong with me..but I also know the reason behind that is my mothers over involvement in my life ..she has made me like this.from childhood I obeyed her due to I respect her but then she started interfairing in my life taking my decision and micromanaging my life by saying m doing it to protect you from this cruel world..i m totally fed-up and deciding to end my life

@rubberbiscuit99

4 ай бұрын

It feels like you need her validation, but you definitely do not. You can free yourself.

@caaspirant1942

4 ай бұрын

@@rubberbiscuit99 yes I have started trying from few days making all my decision on my own gradually I will improve

@rubberbiscuit99

4 ай бұрын

@@caaspirant1942 I know you can and will do it.

Well, alright then...

How about a Grandparent grooming there Grandchild. And, the Granchild becomes the Narcissist. With the parent being underminded & helpless to do anything?

@samvaknin

5 ай бұрын

Whoever fulfills the functions of a mother has the ability to induce narcissism.