When I am with a therapist, I need to see their reactions to my stories to show me how I should be reacting because my emotions are frozen..

As a ‘client’ I really needed to hear that. Felt guilty and cognitive dissonance naming the abusive person’s abuse toward me ‘evil’ as I felt and understood his pain from studying in depth about his disorder. His pain was similar to mine (from childhood) so I felt a bond that I’ve never felt with anyone else, except I can’t imagine doing the things he did to me and others causing emotional and psychological pain. Thank you for saying it’s ok to call it what it felt like…bad and evil. I feel amazing relief.

@bleuneptune

2 жыл бұрын

yes.. That's exacty how I feel.. 😢 I understood why he was that way but I failed to consider my own wellbeing.

@kathyhansen2820

2 жыл бұрын

Who hasn't suffered some type of pain coming from somewhere during childhood? What determines good or bad is how we deal with that pain. Causing others to suffer because of your pain is evil, period. Malignant narcissists are simply evil.

@viajoseph4882

2 жыл бұрын

Yup…I’ve forgiven far too many times because an over responsibility of such ‘understanding/empathizing. Left me wide open for more abuse! This was very helpful!

@fainitesbarley2245

Жыл бұрын

I carefully imagined doing the same thing the narc did to me to an anxious friend of mine. It made me realise what a sustained piece of deliberate cruelty it was and far away from normal human behaviour it was.

@spiritofcoco

6 ай бұрын

As a psychotherapist you can and you should have a moral codex, you should be like an advocat for the core emotional needs of your client. As described here therapy seems to have a rather detached perspective. This contradicts the treatment approach that I am familiar with. I want to have a very clear moral compass on how my client should and should not have been treated, especially, but not only as a child.

I told my therapiert and my friends that my abuser was the literal devil. Got laughter back, downplaying the seriousness of it, and was recommended to love my enemies. Wonderful 🥴

“You cannot just let evil run wild in the world.” Exactly. Thank you.

@katarinatibai8396

2 жыл бұрын

In this political correct new world- you geth labelt as a bully when you say somethig or someone is evil. 🤪

@espenney6502

2 жыл бұрын

@@katarinatibai8396 labeling is the last resort of a bully so watcha gonna do in a world packed with actual evil bullies :/

@katarinatibai8396

2 жыл бұрын

@@espenney6502 If you rcognise what you aredealing with - for your own safety - and don't say them it's not labeling. Why are we not alowed to say that some one is a psychopath to warn the people araund - when it is the truth ? You fear we could hurt the feelings of that psychos that they don't have ? In German we say - nenne das Kind beim Namen. = You should say the childs name - it mrans - just say as it is.

@katarinatibai8396

2 жыл бұрын

@@espenney6502 Just because bullies do lable their victimes no one should be alowed to say something tocall aut a abuser. The victimes loose their voice. When everybody who speak aut is suspect to be the bullie - we can't talk abaut bulliing, abuse and mobbing anymore and it helps only the abuser.

@espenney6502

2 жыл бұрын

@@katarinatibai8396 all true - facts are facts! Calling out bullies is tricky tho - best to do it from a safe distance

Dear RICHARD - This just blew my socks off ! > I remember my best friend, went to NYU to study psychology- and she took what she learned & applied it to everyone. Including me - including my friends, etc etc. Every interaction we had, she was evaluating me & pointing out my dysfunctional behavior/s, etc. Of course, I became very self conscious, well even more so than usual bc of being labeled & classified. - She constantly pointed out my “ faults “ - > Unfortunately, I was going through lots of big life challenges at the time, & what I really needed was a friend in my corner. € I went around feeling dysfunctional & so that drained my energy left & right. > I engaged in eastern philosophy by way of a self professed guru. ( I met him in the neighborhood ) > Then there was my older brother who was totally submerged in his born again - Christianity. - His response to everything is / “ Bring it to the Lord. You’re suffering bc you’re defiant of the Lord ! You’ve sinned ! “ ) - At that time I had no boundaries & no steam to push back. I let everyone dump on me. > Years later, another round of upheaval & turmoil, only this time I went to psych/clinic for CBT/ and sure enough, it didn’t help bc I was still role playing / therapist to the world - only I wasn’t aware. > I think the Christian philosophy got fused w. the clinic psychology. I did not get better. I just learned how to position myself as a clinician. > Here it is years later, and I’m still role playing clinician - w. everyone. Instead of taking care of myself. > One day I got really angry, and frustrated- and I decided to chuck out all these “ Be nice to everybody “ - “ Pray to God “ - “ You create your own reality “ etc. etc. - I just said “ No more “ trying to be an angel. I’m going back TK basics. I’m going to live like a kid before I went to school & got indoctrinated. I’m going to just BE me, & stop trying to make excuses for the mean people around me. I’m going to stop making excuses for people who treat me badly. Bc the bottom line is very simple. Nice people feel good. And mean people feel bad. And I just want to feel good again. 🐶❤️🦙 > That’s what I really truly want. 👇🏼 ✨💚✨

There’s also a financial goal for a therapist that skews progress.

@disiakay

2 жыл бұрын

Now, this, is a big big problem. It puts therapy on a crossroad where search for truth and survival needs might go off in opposite directions.

@spiritofcoco

6 ай бұрын

No, there is not. Believe me, there are more than enough clients for therapists.

This is what I've been trying to say for years. This video is music to my ears. I remember a counsellor saying to me that I was being judgemental. And I told him, 'And that's because I'm judging.' The irony is of course that the counsellor was being judgemental of me by saying that I was being judgemental. Interestingly, over the years, I believe that my compassion for those with narcissistic traits has increased as has my judgement.

This is brilliant. I have definitely been “therapist-like” in my role with friends and family and lovers. That is SO denying of myself.

@MazBringsby

2 жыл бұрын

Absolutely. I know what you mean. You end up 'rationalizing' what can only really be categorized as their evil. Most of psychology and psychotherapy is intended to keep us docile and content with an increasingly evil world.

Don't hang your dirty laundry out in public, go get therapy. That is the safe place to feel the feelings and heal. Keep compassion and empathy separate. Boundaries. 🌱 I'm working on my healing and enjoying life again. Thank you Richard 🙌

Amen...I've seen it time and time again. They can not heal until they start having moral judgment rewired.

@MHLivestreams

2 жыл бұрын

People like narcs need to be completely rewired and reprogrammed, and it's basically impossible, and if possible, it would not be cost effective, or efficient in any way. They need scrapping. Abandoning.

Thank you so much. This video clarified a lot for me. Too many people, even psychologists, over the years have judged me negatively and shamed me for having values that imply impatience with abusive behavior. These people come across as self-righteous and blind to abuse. They effectively encourage abuse by looking the other way.

@Naomi-vs1tl

Ай бұрын

Silence is complicity, when viewing abusive behavior.

This is so good.. That's why I kept going back to what broke me because I was so emphathetic trying to playing the role of "healer" 😑 It was so detrimental to my health. Now I know what they did to me was terribly wrong even though I understand the why but I have to set boundaries.

I am attending meetings of a 12-Step-Program called ACA (Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families). One of the most powerful rules (=boundary) there is the "no crosstalk" rule. Here is an excerpt of ACA literature: "Somewhere along the line, we learned to doubt our perceptions, discount our feelings, and overlook our needs. Telling people what we thought or felt often resulted in our being ignored, laughed at or punished. We learned to look to others to tell us what to think, what to feel and how to behave. As children, many of us learned that what we had to say did not matter. We were frequently interrupted and criticized … No crosstalk creates a new environment in which we can begin to open up to others without fear of being interrupted, misinterpreted, or judged. If we don’t avoid crosstalk, a meeting with a group of codependents can easily become unhealthy. The sharing session must be a time when each of us is allowed to express our feelings openly and honestly, free from fear of judgement by others. In our meetings we speak about our own experience, and we listen without comment to what others share. We give the person sharing our full, uncritical attention. We work towards taking responsibility in our own lives, rather than giving advice to others. Crosstalk guidelines help keep our meeting a safe place. This also applies after the meeting and includes giving unsolicited feedback. Crosstalk is any verbal or physical response to another person’s sharing. Interrupting, questioning, and offering advice, are universally considered to be crosstalk in ACA. Physical touching by patting or hugging during the sharing session is considered crosstalk by some groups. Being touched interrupts a person’s sharing and redirects his or her attention to the other person’s actions. … [This] interrupts thought patterns and disturbs feelings that are about to be expressed. The safety provided by the “no crosstalk” rule allows a person to experience vulnerability and develop deep levels of trust. Others in the group benefit from this depth of sharing. They have an opportunity to learn more about themselves and to practice detachment. (...)" Experiencing such a safe space has helped me tremendously in my recovery from childhood trauma.

@waterbottle2183

2 жыл бұрын

What you said has huGe value.. to take it a step further there are self help groups that have a boundary rule that says that after the meeting you must ask the person you approach if you can offer a comment on their share….. People are taught how to have a boundary and have it respected in a civil way..

@RICHARDGRANNON

2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like a very good rule to me. I really don’t like it at seminars when I’m talking to someone in the crowd and others chime in.

@indira_germany_

2 жыл бұрын

@@RICHARDGRANNON Your seminar your rules/boundaries. :) The way it works with us is that the sharing is limited in time. Everyone is allowed to talk for a certain amount of time. This helps us "Adult Children" (or "Aged Child" as I like to call myself ;) to focus on someone else, to give that person space, because I know that I will get the same if I want to.

@indira_germany_

2 жыл бұрын

The way I was formed, expressing a boundary was not seen as an act of self-care and self-expression on my part, but as an aggressive act against my parents. Even today, I often find myself covering up the boundary violations of others, e.g. by laughing, etc. I am afraid of being perceived as aggressive and therefore excluded. And in fact, I have not learned how to set boundaries in a relationally acceptable way. For a long time in my adult life, I didn't set any boundaries (maybe I didn't even really notice them) and at some point I only saw a way out in the ultimate setting of boundaries: breaking off the relationship. Meanwhile, I am so tired of repeating this over and over again. At least I am more aware of it today, and that is the basic prerequisite for change.

@piprogers4638

2 жыл бұрын

"Somewhere along the line, we learned to doubt our perceptions, discount our feelings, and overlook our needs." That is so true. For me, this is what has caused my adult sorrows, problems, terrible relationships and a life not lived. Thank you for adding that here, it really helps to see it in print. I find it validating, and just these few words help me see the the way out. 🙏.

Taking an action can me as small as hanging up when they call.

Thank you. I had a clinical Counselor tell me that I needed to change because I was angry and bitter and no man would want me. At that point I was not asking about a new relationship but telling him it was hard and I felt sad because I was in the process of getting rid of all the belonging the narcissist left for me to deal with after I made him leave. It has taken me a long time to find a Counselor that could actually validate my experience. That validation has given me the space to start to heal.

@annastone5624

2 жыл бұрын

That’s awful….. It’s amazing how impossible it is to find simple compassion and validation for painful feelings. I now understand the reason I found it so hard to find, was because I had been denied that since very early childhood. I’m finding it now. I hope you find it too x

This is why I closed my private counseling practice when my son died in 2016. I set up a youtube channel at that point but never thought of it as a business and never set it up that way. Ultimately, this wasn't great for the success of my channel, but I felt it was my responsibility to heal myself before acting as if I had answers for anyone else. I could make videos on topics I felt confident about but that is far different from getting into people's personal lives and being someone they count on to be healed and able to have objective perspective.

@yvonneflanagan2312

2 жыл бұрын

Having trained as a counsellor there are too many people out there practicing who are broken, and not healed themselves first. You recognised your emotional shit, and did a responsible thing…. These people haven’t and I know from my training with them they are completely unselfish aware and bring baggage into other vulnerable peoples lives x

@yvonneflanagan2312

2 жыл бұрын

@@e.r.4447 in a therapy session the most important thing is to feel safe! And that is so difficult! I trained as a councillor, but yet I went to a psychologist with a Narcissist and was hung it to dry…’ it’s taken year of over and over coping with horrible divorce and thirty year relationship, and fucked over with money from a man who is a millionaire !!! But I’m in my summer house with a blanket with my two beautiful cockers after walking and swimming on beach….. I can’t tell you of the joy I’ve had today of simple pleasures, it taken years to get to a point of listening to Etta Franklin in my summers house, safe, warm secure with my dogs giving me more than a husband of 30 years! I struggle, it’s so hard… but its what you have in your aloneness is far more than being in a ‘couple’ that is so isolated loneliness, it takes a lot of time and finding support is nonexistent unless on forums of like minded people! I truly wish you love and strength ….! We just got to take every day as it comes and not judge ourselves if it a bad day. Spaniels chasing balls and smiles I judge a good day xx

@pendennis123

2 жыл бұрын

I’ve been in a terribly abusive relationship with a narcissist for 12 years. We split last year and he’s just come back with another hoover. He has just started a counselling course in South London and brought his homework with him in the hope I’d do it for him. I’m truly horrified that this thing will be let loose on people trying to heal.

@ladyvirgo9514

11 ай бұрын

I just subscribed to your channel. I lost my Son in 2014, I've been married to my husband for 12 years, he drained me emotionally, mentally, physically and discarded me 3 weeks ago. I need healing because I feel devastated

Our Therapist said it was all about perspective and allowing the other to have their own “reason” perspective for what they did . It covered the abuse . and my therapist actually got upset at me when I said I’m done with it . ( her ) abuse is abuse and should be called such .

This is without a doubt spot on. Wonderful! If one does not have a clear distinction between good and bad, one cannot defend or protect oneself or others. Narcissists thrive on blurring those lines and inverting the moral judgement to their advantage. I have always felt very uncomfortable with this "nothing is good or bad" bullcrap. The very essence of our actions is making choices. For this, on this planet, one needs to have made a judgement and a sound one at that. Thanks Richard! You're truly helpful.

Just realized why after 3-4 years of therapy I feel worse. It is so sad after so many years of therapy to be at the same place where you have started and even didn’t realize why you kept stuck and didn’t have improvement!

Please, please be careful when choosing a therapist. My highly abusive ex is now training to be a counsellor in London. When I first met him 12 years ago he was receiving counselling for drug abuse and his counsellor turned up at a poetry event he was doing. She pulled me to one side and told me that I was a “very lucky girl”. He’s done his level best to destroy me ever since and still tries to this day.

This was exactly the message I needed to hear right now. I feel I've been fighting with myself, in going to high levels of philosophy and understanding to move past my anger and really heal - and its clearly not getting me there...... still trying to be ok in my head with the abusers, still making excuses for them, as if that's the finally step to healing. In doing this, I feel a victim of the abuse, is continuing to abuse and shame Themselves! in the same way the abuser did, messing with a persons head. After quite a few years, I'm finally going back into therapy sessions, to address the horrific sexual abuse. Its time!

I find that using discernment is more useful than judging, and feeling my own hatred is more useful than condemning another. As difficult as it is, it puts the power back into my own hands without the need to put myself above or below another. Our personal feelings guide our moral code. It is not a 'one size fits all.'

spot on. You should be a therapist trainer

@disiakay

2 жыл бұрын

Oh, boy, the work Richard will have to do!

@janettrimble2950

2 жыл бұрын

@@disiakay Absolutly

That's a great idea, having a therapist who will do the investigation with you. A therapist told me I would "just have to accept" my mother in the first session. Hell no. It was worth hearing that, just to kickstart and reinforce my resolve not to fold. After the second and last session, when she showed up 20 minutes late, I made sure to read a letter I wrote about what I found unacceptable in that relationship. It felt like I was laying down a boundary. I'm definitely not against therapy; clearly even a false start like that one offered me a jumping off point for something better.

@cindyanderson9425

2 жыл бұрын

I appreciate you taking the time to make your comment, and of course this session of Richards. Its reinforcement for me. I ran into a past therapist from quite a few years back. In the conversation, I was clearly still very confused and in pain, though I had left the abuser. The woman ended the conversation with stating that the abuser and I were both very good people. WTF!!!??? No wonder that therapy didn't help me much, actually probably did further harm.

@justlookalittledeeper9953

2 жыл бұрын

That therapist made a moral judgment and a broad-sweep declaration without true acknowledgement of your experience -- or if she did acknowledge it at some point in the conversation, ending it that way certainly denied what you went through. Some therapists really can do further harm.

@christineplaton3048

2 жыл бұрын

Yes and alot of time money and hopes can be wasted while trying to turn oneself inside out to explain the past. Then repeat repeat repeat. It's vulnerability revisited far too much. Journal, read...study Pysch and Sociology. Once you know the territory it helps exponentially yet is difficult. Many characters out there. And our patience has already been severely tried.

@123cillitbang

2 жыл бұрын

@@christineplaton3048 Yes, 100%. There is alot of free information/tests online. I find this channel really helpful in understanding abusive people and healing myself

@123cillitbang

2 жыл бұрын

@@cindyanderson9425 It's a weird one. It's like long ago the abuser WAS abused /neglected by parents/whoever ... but they made the choice to abuse vulnerable, co dependant people. In a way I "let them" by unconsciously at the time being a co-dependent but it was only through their Narc mind control methods (they studied to never be a victim again) to feel powerful by abusing others that they done the damage they done. Very malicious. So for the most part...I accept it happened and I try to look at them like I would a ridiculed child (a young boy humiliated by his Mom and sisters for crying - that's how I imagine my ex become such a parasite)

I told my therapist to shove it (way too late.)

FB told me I shouldn't have an opinion. Now I'm confused. I hope government will fix it.

"It's not tickly nice time narcissism" lmao

Money crimes are always punished more harshly

Great points Richard! I agree there needs to be a moral discussion at the end of each session as it leaves the client confused going forward. This topic has been the subject of my concern for the last decade plus after suffering immense losses from a 3 year relationship with a women who was and still is very disturbed psychology. In 3 days I will reach 1 year since I left a young woman who I believe struggles with NPD/BPD w/malignant tendencies. The biggest problem I’ve had with letting go is the question of wether it’s ok for me to judge her and or compare my moral standings to hers and if the choice to do so was a sound reason to leave her irregardless of my love for her and her child. I’m always left with the conclusion that the lies, deceit, manipulation and invalidation are things I do not see as being moral or ethical especially towards someone in which the abuser insists they love. I didn’t do any of those things to her, but I was definitely reactive at times and said rude things and or pulled away often. Every single time I left her she instantly started sleeping with several guys, some of which I had accused her of sneaking behind my back with. This very fact has lead me to realize that I do not see any ethical or moral quality in this behavior and has finally allowed me to accept that my ethical and moral compass doesn’t match hers and or hers is simply broken. I don’t want to use her compass to guide my future moves as I see now the direction it would lead me is not the path I need to go down. For whatever reason her and I could never have that discussion and no matter how hard I try to get others to I understand it just doesn’t matter as much as the internal understanding I have with my ethical and moral obligations for myself. One of the worst aspects during and then after leaving (smear campaign) the ex and her sister (extremely toxic) would tag team assault me for having boundaries and for leaving the toxic cycle. When I pointed out the inconsistencies such as her drinking again and invalidating my feelings about this behavior despite her using her so called recovery/sobriety as the means for getting me back, her and her sister would tell me how I’m no better and that I’m a terrible person for judging her and her friends behavior. They would constantly use childhood trauma (never once talked about in private) as the reason why they are the way they are, but God forbid I ever used examples from my past as to why I don’t drink and haven’t for over a decade. They had zero empathy for my life or for my family, but expected me to cater to their every move even when they were obviously doing shady stuff behind my back. I’ve reached a place where I know in my heart, I’m worth more than what they can offer to me and they can call it whatever the want to. Abuse is abuse! Thank you sir for your work!

@hydebrown1805

2 жыл бұрын

I'm with ya!! Sooo triangulation with sis not working anymore?? Good Job!! You ARE above that. Hurt people dont hurt people, they find help, learn to heal, and recover.. Abusers hurt is all projection.. misery loves blame. Nevertheless, it is all about their ineptitude with self reflection.. I dont want to be who I become around the ssist.

My old therapist was amazing in this way. I lived in an apartment building for abused mothers. She was a genuine gift. While the rest of the staff made us all to feel we were horrible women still strapped in an abusive relationship. She was a light in the darkness to all of us.

As a therapist, I found this very interesting. There are so many important points about the therapeutic relationship here.

Excellent Richard You Are getting Clearer and Clearer....bad behaviour is bad behaviour and we have a right to say No I want no part of it !!

My dad hated me for loving him. Its a cycle.

@disiakay

2 жыл бұрын

It probably all boils down to if the other wants to work towards becoming a beautiful human being capable of growing through healthy relationships, or not. Some people find it so tiring and pointless and others just can't believe it's even possible to feel that negative way. If we expand our world view and see that mums and dads do not have universal powers, maybe children will define personal worth and potential in a more creative constructive way.

"Externalisation"! Yes! That's the deal! I never knew what difference sharing my wounds would do for me (except the re-traumatisation), unless the therapist was someone uncommonly nice and a truly good person.

@juliekong5013

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, that "externalization" concept was new to me, for some reason - it's so profound. And that's exactly the problem - being re-trauamatized when I do try to share just the smallest bit with someone, so it drives me back into internalization. Ugh.

Thank you richard, you can only heal by taking good boundaries for yourself , knowledge of good and bad , morals, everyone from healing must learn that . Including myself , we deserve respect . If not leave the toxic relationship. 😉👍

"The smallest worm will turn, being trodden on.“ 🐛 - William Shakespeare, Henry VI (play) Part 1-3 Clifford, Act II, scene ii. Henry VI, Part 3 (1592) 🦋 Well said Richard, our bodies keep score of and express repressed emotions to our detriment when we remain silent about abuse. Discern with detached compassion rather than judging or criticising. Honour our truths, inner convictions, intentional choices, standards and boundaries we've set to first do no harm and secondly be a good example for others of doing the right thing for the right reasons. What price peace, what payment for pearls? 💞🔥🕊

Seriously, Richard? You are a genius! This distinction is absolutely life saving!

I agree that regardless the cause of someone’s psychology we should condemn damaging behaviour…what framing it as the result of childhood trauma helped me with was accepting it would never change, and that I had no responsibility for it…okay so I enabled it etc. but my behaviour didn’t create the abuse iyswim

@joshy2joshy

2 жыл бұрын

It's almost like, they are looking for someone who is willing to accept their behaviour/abuse. You hadn't learnt how to put up your shield, that's not your fault though, now you're learning to put up that shield, which deters that behaviour from impacting you.

Excellent topic & presentation! When I was a child, my parental unit would recite reasons for her own damaged disposition whist beating and torturing me in order to validate a reason that it was okay. Fiery rebel that I am, I have been acutely aware to insert phrases into conversations with those supporting lack of boundaries, something along the lines of “understanding why they abuse still does not give them the right to do so and you should not allow it to continue, (not associate if you are just an observer of the horror), otherwise you’re betraying yourself (or the one being abused). This came up a lot in spiritual bypassing groups.” I’m so happy to see you covering this topic! Very useful and much needed.

Thank you so much for this. I had a very invalidating therapist, in fact, triggering me to disassociation. We did learn a lot, but the experience has set me back and I am still nervous about trusting another therapist.

@christineplaton3048

2 жыл бұрын

Remember there are all kinds of people on every profession. Don't stay in a bad therapeutic relationship.

@juliekong5013

2 жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry. I can relate. My therapist, in discussing our philosophical beliefs of "what is bad/evil," basically told me I was wrong to make the moral judgment that what my spouse was doing was evil. I was already confused enough, and this therapist was a person I deeply trusted. It's a long journey to get my sense of self and agency back. And no, I will not trust another therapist. I have chosen to trust a couple new friends with bits of my story. I hope you can find someone who will value who you are as a person and your agency.

@christineplaton3048

2 жыл бұрын

@@juliekong5013 there are problemic therapists out there that cannot be trusted. I just heard an online conference today with International anti Cult organization and there were multiples of people who dealt with really troublesome if not criminal types. So it's dangerous, and the majority of people are being medicated. It's disgusting.

@christineplaton3048

Жыл бұрын

CNEI Happy, what you describe is very common. I really get out among people. The events, comments, things that people say etc. Can all be very triggering, yes. Life needs living and trauma therapy must be completed. Not every situation, occupation, group, etc will be supportive. We must navigate our way into a healthier lifestyle. It's something we need to nurture and create. Others can't do it for us. Having the right environment is essential. It takes a long time to overcome years of chronic abuse. I have my preferences, and can't be expected to fit another person's idea of what works. We develop our healing path very slowly, it's very complex.

I broke my lower leg, after 10 years of being with a narc. The damage was physical, mental and spiritual. I shattered my lower leg after trying to dance like I did at 19 lol. I had just done the washing, cleaned the house and the music video came on. When I shattered my leg I crawled to my bed, it stared to get very swollen. He laughed at me as I crawled to bed in the hallway, I told him I was in pain. After three days and it didn't go down, my sister said I should get it checked out. So she took me to the doctor. I shattered my smaller bone and lost the end of the larger end of the larger bone. I ended up with a plate and end bone bolt. He had the kitchen chairs set up after my surgery so I could kneel and still make dinner. He wasn't concerned that this was my first operation, or cared less to be with me. When I couldn't move much from a pinned leg, I started watching Dr Phil, and saw a narc on screen. Finally what I had been though was being shown to me. So I vowed as soon as I would walk, I would leave him, and I did and it took 8 months. It was the hardest time of my life, because I was so afraid of the man that I thought loved me, but deep down I knew if I wasn't on his pedestal he would get rid of me in a second.

@BeanieNinjay0

2 жыл бұрын

Wow….that’s messed up.

As an adult JUST diagnosed with Autism , it is so helpful to know that we are bullied 58 x more than the average person, we attract narcs apparently , yikes ! Glad to know , but would have been helpful in the 4th grade to know this. But the "mis-diagnosis " are terrible !!!

Good talk. I tumbled down the KZread rabbit hole for a couple years on the topic of narcissism. It was helpful to a point but if you get stuck in the whirlpool of rumination and commiseration, it's most likely not helping anymore.

@nandanapalchowdhury4588

Жыл бұрын

Yup. Same. Its time to move on

Thank you so much for the videos and information you post . My ex , was a narcissist and made my life a living hell . I’ve had 6 years of counselling to recognize the abuse he put me through and to heal from it . Best thing I did was react and kick him out !

Hello. Realized this to. As more I go deep in psychology, I forgot the healing process for me. Thank you.

The wounded healer. Its a trademark of A.A i mean what use would it be if the guy fixing your car never had car trouble himself

The moment I found out transferrence was actually was what should happen if you have enough repoir with a therapist, and that it is temporary projection utilized in order to deal with the real issue, my mind was blown. I've always wanted to avoid that, not that that was possible.

A narcissistic abuse podcast I listened to dealing with revenge says it causes chaos for both parties. And the famous “hurt people hurt people” And to think of it this way. Which I think is true to an extent. This thinking is what made me always have too much empathy for people who mistreated me. That along with my more recent misunderstanding of eastern non dualistic religions.and growing up Catholic too. As long as I can remember one of the only attributes my dad ever praised me about was that I was so “forgiving” …but now I’m learning I was appeasing to an abusive mother and he never stood up to her. To this day no one has stood up to her. I don’t have much contact with her anymore but it’s what led me to have empathy for another man who I unconsciously allowed to use and mistreat me. I ran into him accidentally and wanted to physically hurt him.. I’m so angry at the powerlessness I feel.

@ld3418

2 жыл бұрын

Same history of NPD mom, flying monkey Dad and huge family, using the faith to condemn me. I was Catholic from pre-Vatican II, wandered back into ancient mysticism and theology, beauty of Latin Mass and music, and theology of judgment, helped me to judge the harm done to me letting God be the eternal judge. Now suffering from NPD abusive adult son/gf, starting process all over again with loss of faith, anger, self-accusation, etc. Dad dead, Mother-no contact, son/gf-moved them out. Healing in first most painful days. Hang in there! Listen, read, distract, work, walk, opera, Latin Mass with a great choir in beautiful church, art, nature, beauty of this short life. Immerse yourself and heal. I am there too. We bear the stripes on our back and can be made whole.

Even my therapist gaslit me. She just didn't get it. I healed from cognitive dissonance thanks to your videos. Only specialised therapists on narcissism from now on.

You told me years ago that it is vital to morally condemn and judge our abusers, which was the piece of information that I was missing back then. My interest in psychology has dwindled a lot since then because I realised that it wasn't useful at all to my healing, but I still like listening to what you have to say nontheless :)

Yess..."The Body Keeps The Score," .. Got it in my hand. Ty

Oh my God...drinking from the poison chalice. The amorality and lack of judgment is for me - not the abuser! Shattered the illusion. Grateful for this today. Thank you

This was fantastic and such a relief to hear. I definitely found both individual counselling and couple counselling extremely confusing. When asked questions like “how does that make you feel” and “what do you want to do now”was not only useless but it prolonged my healing process by somehow taking my rights to have clear boundaries away from me. I wished the counsellors (and some well meaning friends as well) had just said this is wrong and you should definitely leave him! It’s obvious that I needed to hear that, I was just so emotionally confused and my therapists added to that confusion. It was “woman’s rights”who gave me a bit of fire/confidence when they pointed out that his behaviour was abusive and that I should report him to the police. It wasn’t that kind of “no nonsense straight talking” I needed to hear. Thank you, I really needed to hear this. 🖤

Lol with the back drop… This is so true. We cannot be rescuing them. We rescue ourselves. They are damaged beyond compare. A comparison we do not share… We are capable of love. The narc tried to take us to the blackest and darkest place, where they thrive and where we become very very sick. They are happy to leave us there. This is so so true. What a great insight. Exactly what I went through. Sympathy for the devil - is dangerous!

Richard, this was incredibly helpful on so many levels. Thank you so much.

Made me happy my hallucination created from interpreting your words as I judged fitting it did! Well done and thank you.

You're on the point. It is important!

What I'm hearing you say is that I must own my own sh*t...I agree.

This made my heart pound with how true it is.

Very important video! Thank you Richard!

Sense! Such a relief to hear truth and common sense. Thank you.

THIS was EXCELLENT! I needed to hear this distinction!

Thank you for this episode. I brought a lot clarity.

One of my favorites. Thanks for the work you do.

Thank you I needed this today.

This is spot on. Thank you.

Well said. Thank you. In the past year I began listening to you and I have healed from Npd dramatically. Thank you

Thankyou for this distinction. Remarkably freeing. Thankyou

Thank you for saying what most are afraid to say🙏

Really good points here Richard, thank you.

You are such an original thinker! Your thoughts are very helpful. Gracias mucho!

ohhh- brilliant!! Thank you! I, the therapist, need to be a client. You´ve encouraged me to do that.

True! Thank you from Canada :)

This is fantastic. This helped piece together a lot of things I’ve been confused about over the years. Really great video Thankyou :)

This was very helpful. You have a fascinating way of breaking things down to being digestible for my brain....I was in therapy for decades for multiple issues. It was mostly helpful, but the last few ended up with me just paying for time with an objective "friend" who I could speak to. I tend toward being objective and that is likely what kept me in a narcissistic abusive relationship...suffice it to say I have come out on the other side and am recognizing that our governments are narcissistically abusing all of us (gaslighting, blaming, lying). It seems a very important time for us all to develop our boundaries. Good to have compassion for other souls, but also good to acknowledge that if someone undertakes to injure others purposely, they must be held accountable. Not judgemental, just accountability for bad actions. Quite acceptable and even necessary for us (citizens of the world) to take back our sovereignty.

Thank you for a great pep talk ! Reflecting on my experiences when dealing with therapy and therapists it was this element of judgement that was missing. Healing therefore took so much longer. Culturally I totally agree with your view, not sure what we can or are doing to move from this position … dreadful times indeed

Sincerest thanks! You've helped highlight where I'm not getting things quite right... I've been stuck on this train of self analysis, and also boundary confusions, trying to help others as well whilst still trying to heal myself... all with the best of intentions on getting things "right"... As always the journey is just that, a learning journey! Thank you for being another finger pointing the way when it was needed! 🙏

You're brilliant! Excellent ability to brake down human behavior 🌺

Dang!! Exactly what i needed to hear! I need to speak up. so silent and retreated... TIME TO SPEAK, call abuse what it is! Feels great to hear why i can't seem to heal from it.... those sneaky narcs and covert narcs . Also relieved to hear you speak on the hippy dippy perspective of letting abusers off the hook because they were hurt :P :) Your talk gave me more language to use and more confidence

Hell yeah. Best distinction explanation ever!! Yes!!

ThiS video reAlly Rocks! 👍 You really nailed it - totally 💯 when you talked about people’s inappropriate analysis 🧐 of each other all over social media and over psychologizing everything.. SO Good to heAr!! FYI I’m on round 2 of D1 of your recent 30DC.. and I’m reAlly feeling some significant healing! ❤️‍🩹 Thank You for all of your contributions that have major impact on our lives.. 👍🙌

This is a really helpful concept. Sometimes in therapy I would struggle with the sense that I was getting a pass and the people we discussed were held to a different standard. Now I realize that my boundaries are much stronger, partly because of therapy, and that it was never meant to be "fair" but I also feel more established in my core values.

Love you Sir Richard!! Clear boundaries needed to have ANY kind of moral framework. My BP ex, is also a therapist, also a New Age spiritual WuWu burning man community type of “spirituality“… Where everything is relative, and you can imagine a borderline with narcissistic tendencies who is extremely intelligent and high functioning, and the mesh that they can make of anyone trying to form or enforce any sort of boundaries, especially in relationship to right wrong/good bad, or the abuse that she would dish out on the regular. I’ve been blessed to heal a lot of the damage that’s far, but there’s still a long way to go. Grateful that I have been a seeker of philosophy and wisdom, religion and spirituality of many flavors for my entire life. It’s true that many of those advanced states that are spoken as in Zen Buddhism etc. are absolutely inappropriate for people who are just starting out. We have no tools nor knowledge to hold to those, nor the structural framework for it make any sense in our lives, by and large. Keep up the great work kind sir!

the most healing thing I have heard since i got sucked into the worm hole. maybe i was just ready to hear it. excellent

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and it f me up. So refreshingly simple and honest. I’m saying that from here on. Thanks

This is really powerful.

You know you're all alone in this when the narc manages to turn every single person including therapists against u. His charm would just get them crushing on him, and they become putty in his hands. He told my neighbours I'm schizophrenic and one neighbour who knew me for 2 years confronted me. It's the realization that no matter what u say, the narc had already worked on ensuring people see u as a crazy person which the poor narc is heroically rescuing.

That was dense and useful information. Thank you.

Thank you Richard for your clear and very healthy perspective on human behaviour. Your thoughts are like a fresh wind in this topic.

I’ve just split from the bpd again and started watching these videos again, these are the only videos that get me adding a comment as if anyone actually reads it. But when I feel sad and alone at night It makes me feel good and is distracting from the pain the sadness of rejection that you’re mother will never be how you want them to be, they will always choose you over their addictions but you still try in your relationships to be chosen. I feel the same mindset and realise I’m understood and accepting and making peace I wish I could do.

This is an important message. My experience is that the therapist helped me gain insights into everything that happened. At this point, when you find the right words, when it comes to clarification, there is no more room for moral relativism, only compassion remains. I'm lucky I got it.

@toucheturtle3840

2 жыл бұрын

Compassion. It’s a winner. There is going to be a fight…surprise surprise😀

@lizp5449

2 жыл бұрын

Why do you say that?

@toucheturtle3840

2 жыл бұрын

@@lizp5449 People are waking up.

Wow! This is superb Richard!

Nice.) You made me laugh and taught me something. 👏🏻 Good job! I hope this message gets around. It’s important. Thank you.

Dear Richard - This was a wonderful & engaging talk. > I recently noticed many on line/ self professed counselors - who are giving lectures via you tube; who have not yet cleared up their own issues. - They see themselves as experts in the area / when they are not. I have concerns bc I understand you tube is easier access than a professional care facility: my sessions cost around a quarter mill$- and nothing was resolved from those meetings bc I wasn’t doing it right. > I also noticed that - in the Autism community - there’s a lot of self professed autistics who are giving advice to the general public. Some of it is quite aggressive. - I wrote a few essays to the ‘teachers ‘ who were most aggressive - in their approach. They claim they know more about the issue than other neuro - typicals. - But - how is that even possible? When being on the spectrum actually means there are things that are beyond their scope of awareness ?? > I’ve also seen many persons who present themselves as clinicians & doctors, within the field of mental health issues, and basically - it’s just a way to get subbies to their channel. And gossip about who’s right / who’s wrong. - sigh .. That’s not a therapy module. 🤦🏻‍♀️ > I agree w: what you said - one cannot be a victim & a therapist at the same time. - Hopefully I understood your msg right. > Best regards on your leg therapy. And congrats on the book. Well done ! - sincerely, a listener in NYC.

@RICHARDGRANNON

2 жыл бұрын

I hear you and yes I’ve seen the same thing.

I love your content and am working through your uploaded videos. Thank you for your point of view. I do love that you pop in a “Behoove” and “verboten” ever now and then😂. (I chuckle as I had to look them up the first time around)

Everything you said is correct, for me was important to know that my therapist went through my same experience.. But at the moment I know that is not enough

So so good analogy to physical therapy… gotta do the work dedication to it to get to health. I recovered from two hip surgeries.. so this makes since. Love this.. morality and judgment. Narcissistic toxicity.. I believe is is a spiritual battle. It’s an energy, on spiritual level.. that destroys! The battle is against this spirit.. the human who has this spiritual disease.. who causes all this brokenness, heartbreak, wounds, complete inability to be intimate to have empathy.. connection to anyone , on a heart level.. this is not an option for this condition!

Woaw. You should train therapist 😱. Thanks again Richard.

Phenomenal!! Thanks Richard!

I’ve forgiven far too many times because an over responsibility of such ‘understanding/empathizing. Left me wide open for more abuse! This was very helpful! Thank you!!