When people talk about child abuse people automatically think the worst. But abuse can look like gaslighting, scapegoating, triangulation, and being used as a pawn to someone else's game. But when you try to explain it to others, they dismiss you and you end up thinking that there is nothing wrong because they don't see anything wrong.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

If you weren't hit or "touched" and especially if you were fed, had clothes and a roof, people say things like "that happens to everybody" or "everybody has bad things happen in their childhood". Meanwhile, I couldn't figure out why I had no confidence and so sensitive to rejection.

I haven’t finished the video yet but wow, watching this video kind of reaffirms my choice to remain childfree. I used to tell people I didn’t think I had the “mom” in me, and in a way with your story it’s kind of reminded me of that. I am at the part of about the careless way she packed your lunch. I too have been accused of being careless by certain friends and family. I have a pretty flippant attitude at times and I don’t always consider how my low effort actions might negatively impact others. It’s like I just can’t be bothered to care sometimes but you cannot be like that with children. You have to care.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Good call. I wish all women who suck at being mothers realized this. Kids aren't a play thing. You literally shape how they view the world in their first years of life.

@sunshineand

Ай бұрын

That's very reflective of you. What about doing a little self improvement work for a better overall life?❤

@shebababytalks

Ай бұрын

@@sunshineand oh for sure. I mean I am definitely always working on being more cognizant of how my behavior impacts others. But I am also aware this is a major character flaw of mine that would not make me the ideal parent. IMO, everyone’s not meant to have children. My life purpose involves lots of introspection and self improvement, I am here to pour into and nourish myself in this lifetime.

@intheraw6393

Ай бұрын

OR it would completely CHANGE your perspective and force you to grow up and put effort into life , rather than choosing not to have any purpose and making excuses and to why you sabotage other people's lives with your knowingly low effort. Excuses for everything these kids. Wow. Just commented on some other kid saying he purposely does t say hi to people he knows at work bc he does t feel like it but now nobody likes him and he's so seeing how to avoid everyone now lol like.. my goodness. Take some responsibility for your actions and grow TF up.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

You post the same comment on any video you find on this topic. It's not my fault your kid won't talk to you. You're just saying to me what you wish you could say to your kid if only they would talk to you. 😞😭

I relate to so much of this. My father was present and also exhibited narcissistic behavior. I didn’t realize what I went through was abnormal or wrong until I had my own child and realized that I didn’t want to treat my child the way I had been treated.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

So you got narc treatment from both parents?

@lisalandry140

Ай бұрын

@@UHeardMe1stTime yes and also my grandmother that lived in our home!

I WONDER IF YOUR MOTHER LOSING INTEREST IN YOU COINCIDED WITH YOUR FATHER LOSING INTEREST IN HER?! I SEE THAT HAPPENING ALL THE TIME WITH WOMEN.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Either that or something very similar. She realized having his baby still means she doesn't have him. A baby can't fill a hole in your life that was left by a man.

Wow, amazing how this parallels my upbringing with my NM, but I had a loving father but unfortunately he lived in the shadows even though he was 1000 times more of a parent than my NM. I love your locks. They look so beautiful on you.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Had to cut the locs due to thinning due to stress. That's why I'm low contact with mother

Love long videos

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

I've got at least one more long one

@Writer_Tj_Noir

Ай бұрын

@@UHeardMe1stTime Do you remember years ago when you stated "something had happened to you" but you couldn't talk about it at the time. And thank you for this video as well. I agree that your mother didn't know how to love due to how she was raised.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Yes, the "something" was when I had the dream and woke up "gay". I made that video before I mentioned it to her.

Been listening since 2008❤

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Oh wow!

I’ve been waiting with bated breathe for this one. Looking forward to a long one!

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

You and me both

Wow! This video is very insightful. Thank you for putting it out there.congrats on your son and new fellow.! I've learnt a few things .

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Thank you.

Thank you for this - there are so many parallels with my life here, it's uncanny.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Did you have narc mom or dad?

Subscribed! Love this content

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Thanks!

Thank you for sharing. So much of your story resonates with my mother.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

This happens to a lot of people and they don't even know it's abuse (whether intentional or not)

Welcome back. ❤️ The O.G

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

🙏❤️

I enjoyed this long video. thank you for sharing your story....I could relate so much.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Which one of your parents was the narc?

Thank you so much for your story! We have so much in common growing up. Please keep telling your story because it helps me not think or feel like I'm the nut case! Your intelligence and eloquence is much to be desired. I would be interested to hear about your grandmother and how your upbringing affected your relationships with men (and women).

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

I'm actually working on a video about my choices in men with the childhood taken into account

@KayG111

Ай бұрын

@@UHeardMe1stTime I never married, and it would be interesting to get an idea of how my childhood possibly impacted my lack of or poor choice in men. I look forward to your next video. Thanks again!! 😉

When I was growing up I had dealt with food manipulation with my mother❤ and she was stingy❤

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Did that cause any eating disorders?

@thursdaylanejribgo81diego87

Ай бұрын

@@UHeardMe1stTime just insecurities 💕

You back ❤

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Hello!

Im only half way through the video but a lot that has been said has really hit home, especially the stone walling. It’s something that both of my parents did to me growing up and it’s something that I have adopted and have noticed myself doing to my husband on occasion. Habits like these are sooooo damaging to children and spouses. I am working hard not to pass these things on to my future children.

Me and my cousin went through a tomboy phase-we had an emotionally abusive aunt that we lived with for years before we parted ways, me to Canada with my mom, her to another family member (who treated her better). She neglected our appearance, talked down to us and was constantly stonewalling us. It’s taken us years to undo the damage. My cousin also shudders to think of how attractive being a trans man would have been to her back then.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Boom. There it is.

Ufffff., this brings so many memories. Please, be carefull with her..they can play nice for a longer time, but will sneak back and suck the life out of you and cause severe damage without you noticing, how bad it is...slowly cooking you like a frog, until you are half destroyed. My mother is dead for 5 years now and this was the best thing she ever did for me...

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Yeah, she's been really chill since then, so I am on guard

@lejci38

Ай бұрын

@@UHeardMe1stTime yes.. Unfortunately one has to be with them, once they see you got them, the, play a sheep, but they remain wolf. 🙋

I am so sorry for what happened to you. It is so painful to live through this.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

At least I can work on myself now that I recognize the trauma. A year ago, I didn't even know this

56:47 that is called a strategic retreat!

I need a team up with you so we can write a book❤

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

About what?

@thursdaylanejribgo81diego87

Ай бұрын

About different kinds of abuse with physical or verbal, psychological abuse is misunderstood 😌

47:05 that face is the general face I see on majority of children attending public school. 😐

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

IKR. I saw some of the worst mothering when I was substitute teaching.

First person to tune in, after asking last week lol

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Yes, indeed

@newjersey8238

Ай бұрын

I had a similar life. This is daquan (from Jersey) I'm sure u remember me from b4! And I went to three HS damn nearly as much as u

I watched the whole video and applaud you for detailing your childhood and the complicated relationship between you and your mother. The one thing that stood out to me however was you saying not marrying the Canadian guy was one of your biggest regrets. Does your current man feel a bit slighted in you stating that?

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

No he would not. He said if scarlet Johanson ever came knocking, he would leave me. Seriously though , I don't believe there is only one person on earth for everyone. My regret is about marrying him AT THAT TIME and letting my mom talk me out of marrying him. I probably wouldn't have needed fertility treatments because I would have started a family earlier. I wouldn't have gone back to college for another degree I wasn't going to use. That other guy is divorced and available again. I wouldn't leave my guy for him. That ship has sailed.

Childhood trauma? emotional neglect? TOTALLY relatable. Being a highly sensitive kid only led to further problems. It's amazing just how many "parenting" be walking round with ZERO parenting skills. The "blankface" experiment demonstrates that to be a parent requires the ability to nuture a child during early development. But often we here parents claim that "I put food on the table. I put clothes on they back. I put a roof over they head." Yeah, but you suppose to, you brought them in this world. That's the bare minimum. This has ZERO to do with raising a child. To successful raise a child you need to develop that child's verbal, communication, interpersonal, persuasive and negotiation skills. Just telling sit down and shut up, and only speak when spoken too is a disaster class in "parenting."

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

The boomers and many of my generation (gen x) think parents deserve respect just because they squirted you out, no matter how bad a job they did raising you. I'm low contact with my mother. So much weight off my shoulders

I love this video. Would it be okay if I made my own version? Looks therapeutic

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Yeah, you should. It is very cathartic. Send a link when it's live.

Also, sidebar I feel like (aside from the mom issues) we had similar upbringings. I also attended a private Christian school.

53:53 at, you look so much like my sister in her best years.

I’m going to do a second listening but your story will resonate with a lot of people. I will say my parents were generally loving but I did get stonewalling when I didn’t do exactly what they wanted. I was objectively a great kid but those instances did feed into my being a people pleaser earlier in life and fear of rejection. Being a people pleaser to someone who generally had your best interests in heart is one thing, (although it isn’t great) but I was doing it at work and in relationships and it lead to manipulation by some bad actors. I don’t think people understand how damaging this is the psyche. The worst thing is I think black people pride ourselves on this approach and take it as a badge of strength to have gone through it but it’s very emotionally stunting. I know for me it has led to not being fully emotionally available and vulnerable with ANYONE in my life for fear of it being thrown back at me. Just recently I lamented to my mother that I was struggling emotionally and it’s manifesting in poor eating habits and some weight gain. She took it as an opportunity to say this so bad because I’m not married and haven’t had kids yet. Well…the point isn’t about being married and having kids it’s about my well being. Somehow she thought this was normal. This is the first time it really clicked why I have a hard time leaning on others in that way. A lot of people are going through this to one degree or another. I do have a question though, do you think the effects of your mother issues would have been lessened by having siblings in the home in your younger years? I cannot imagine having your only cohabiting family member ignore you in that way. Do you think having a sibling to turn to would have lessened the effect? (I could see it going either way tbh).

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

To answer your question: Obviously, there would have been some difference but I don't know if it would have been BETTER. It might have been just one more person to recognize that I was weird. MAYBE it would have been worse with a sister (I hated girls) and better with an older brother. But then again, my mother said many times she didn't want a son and when it dawned on her when she was pregnant that the child might be a boy, she was depressed. So basically I have no idea how a sibling would have changed things.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

The story about your mom, that happens with my mom all the time. She either tries to solve the problem with " all you gotta do is" or she'll start talking about herself and how she overcame or is still struggling. I think your mom really wants you to have a marriage and a family and is looking for any opportunity to tell you that especially at a vulnerable time when you may be more likely to listen. If you're doing great all the time (nobody is), it's hard to make a case for doing what she wants you to do.

There is different kinds of abuse without it always being physical❤

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

My mother was more neglectful than actively abusive. Also, she's emotionally immature, so that makes her selfish

Hearing you story makes me angry all over again over some of the crap I had to endure with my late so called mother who was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to her first children, me and my brother. She gave her second husband license to abuse us physically, mentally and emotionally knowing he had been a serial rapist in his youth. One of us was even groomed and molested by him. Moreover, there were very few pictures taken of me and my sibling from her first marriage when we were younger so I do not have documented evidence of "loss of interest" like you do. I have been in therapy throughout my life and thought I had forgiven her when she died but there is no closure with parents like these so I am now on a course of re-traumatization after uncovering her many lies after her death. I recently learned while attending two family funerals that she lied about me and the state of our household to family and our community to make it appear that I was crazy and unstable since I was the only one of the children calling her and her husband out on their behavior (I'm the oldest) and speaking out publicly about the abuse. NO ONE tried to help us. I have now returned to therapy to deal with the absolute betrayal and a lot of old painful memories are surfacing. It has helped me tremendously to binge on the narcissism content here on KZread and finally learn that I grew up in an extremely toxic narcissistic family structure. I highly recommend Dr. Sam Vaknin to you and anyone here who suffered and continue to suffer with similar dysfunctional parents. I am now in my 50s and escaped my abusive "home" long ago but the effects of the abuse lives within me and I realize it will either surface or go dormant depending on what is going on in my life at any given stage. The goal of your mother is to break you because something was broken in her while she was growing up. Generational trauma is real and doesn't get enough mention in discussions involving relationship dysfunction within families. It seems like the adult victim of childhood abuse is doomed to pass the poison to their own children if they are not self-aware and vigilant in guarding against becoming the monster they escaped. I pray that you can heal from this. God bless you and all those who suffer from the actions of those who were supposed to love and protect them!

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Thanks for the recommendation. I'll check out the doc you suggested. I've been watching a series about narc parents that was really good. I'll. Get the link and post it

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Tim Fletcher has some great info on his channel

37:04 please let me know where i can get more info on this information. I am around MANY children who lie excessively!!!!

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Are you wanting the link to the article I reference?

Sorry to hear about your upbringing and experiences. Are you more fearful -avoidant or dismissive avoidant?

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Probably fearful.

But like I said I would love to team up with you or someone to write a book about abuse without it being physical❤ there's different levels of abuse without it being physical or verbal❤ psychological mental spiritual abuse is very broad

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

I'm available for that. The guy I've been watching is tim Fletcher. He has a channel with a lot of good info.

So many similarities Only Child Single Parent Household Considered "Weird" No Social Skills Tomboy Wanted to be a boy Not being cussed out but felt like a burden It's something up with this type of upbringing yo!

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

I really wonder what it is about having a neglectful mother that makes girls want to be boys.

@NeicyJ1990

Ай бұрын

@@UHeardMe1stTime 🤔🤔🤔

Unfortunately people don't take abused series i until it's physical❤

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Awareness can help change that

Bg go through waaaaay to much

was your grandmother married ??do you think that narcissists mothers in relationships are the domineering ones?? did your mom attempt to pursue relationships with men after she had you?

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Yes, my grandmother got married very early in life and stayed married til he died at age 70. There's a type of narc mom that is domineering but that is not a requirement to be a narc

I remember you saying how you got out of the Seventh-Day Adventist Church but I know how that works and they are usually not allowed to associate with ex members or even non-members period. I’m surprised that she’s even talking to you at all. Please do not take this as an insult because it’s not AT ALL but, are you in the spectrum? Have you been tested?

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

I've wondered that myself but I think I've wondered about damn near every condition trying to figure out why people are put off by me. I've never been tested.

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Actually, there isn't anything that tells SDAs to cut off non-believers or ex-believers. You just don't marry them or make close friends with them. It's not like the Mormons.

@YouTubeUzername

Ай бұрын

@@UHeardMe1stTime It may her church, I know several people that are SDA and JW and their own parents and children no longer speak to them because they are no longer in the church.

Did you get yr education paid for? Who by?

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Nope. Had to get loans

also didnt you have a 'woke/problack' aunt ...and she raised a daughter who was biracial with green eyes to be 'problack"...and i think you and your relatives suggesting that she had white in her would trigger her? didn't you say that this biracial cousin eventually had a blonde looking kid as well

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Yes, that's the one that's like my grandmother. She let me stay with her for a while.

first

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Think somebody beat you to it

@Pentazoid111

Ай бұрын

@@UHeardMe1stTime 😁😁

Drinking game: take a shot everytime she says "hair".

@UHeardMe1stTime

Ай бұрын

Did you get wasted?