I remember the constant teasing about ANY boy I ever talked to. That he was “oooohh…your future husband??😜” It was so annoying and inescapable. I really enjoyed hanging out with boy friends, but there was always a looming anxiety about the teasing from my mom and the boys’ moms later. Always the teasing!!! I felt shame, and was always hyper aware of my body language and careful not to have “too” much fun playing, lest I look “too” happy with the boy. And SHOCKER!!!!! I did not marry a single one of them!! I married a sweet, well-adjusted, NON-fundie guy I met at work, and he has brought me so much more joy than I thought possible, along with helping me to heal from fundie trauma and learn to live a healthy life. 😊

@starrystarrynight52

2 жыл бұрын

I lost a good friend because the teasing wouldn't stop. We were both about 8-10 years old and his brother and my sisters teased us so much we talked about it and decided to quit being friends. It was so sad looking back at it.

@spyritsolz

2 жыл бұрын

I feel you. I was teased a lot for hanging out with boys and it made me feel terrible. Plus the fact that I’m not even attracted to boys and that I’m transgender (so not even a girl in the first place). I’m so happy for you that you found a wonderful husband though!

@spyritsolz

2 жыл бұрын

@@starrystarrynight52 Something similar happened to me. It was around 3rd grade and my friend’s friends constantly teased him for hanging out with me, so much to the point that he just started avoiding me and being rude to me. They never said a word to me though. It didn’t bother me that much as a kid because I had a load of other friends at the time (and I was a little third grader so I guess things like that didn’t impact me as much?) but looking back on it, that situation was terrible.

@stupidass69420

2 жыл бұрын

Oooh this hits hard, I’ve been hit and berated by boys and adults are like “he likes you 😍”

@AllyBarkin

2 жыл бұрын

I didn’t even grow up in a strictly fundie environment (I was often AROUND fundies but not raised to be one), and I too got the “ooooo do you like him???” or “ooooo I think he likes yoooou” from not just other kids but the adults around me including my mom .-. Idk why adults do this it’s actually so harmful

An Ex-Fundie Diaries X Fundie Fridays crossover episode would be so cool

@dizzyella8204

2 жыл бұрын

That would be so cool

@NylCampaniolo

2 жыл бұрын

i would love that so hecking much bro.. u are a genius

@kristen8343

2 жыл бұрын

Yes!!!

@emilia_gz

2 жыл бұрын

totally!!

@laurabowles

2 жыл бұрын

PLEASE @Fundie Fridays

p.p.s. I wonder how many of those kids who stepped forward were 'bluffing', just to avoid the public shaming, while you, in your devout honesty, were one of the few who were courageous enough to 'self-declare', even if it meant standing out from the group and being publically shamed! this incident shows how strong your personal sense of integrity was - and is - something you can be proud of still!

@InThisEssayIWill...

2 жыл бұрын

Yes! This so much! I always felt like I struggled to be good and do the right things so much more than everyone else. When, as it turns out, I'm on the spectrum and... I just don't know how to not be brutally honest?! It's not that those other kids weren't struggling.. they just knew how to keep it under wraps. 🫤

@ExFundieDiaries

2 жыл бұрын

@devi daughter Thank you for your kind words!

@douglaswise6797

2 жыл бұрын

Bingo! They should've at least had the kids recite a random verse to prove they memorized them all. And I totally think it was a tactic to peer pressure all the kids to do their "homework".

@robertsandberg2246

2 жыл бұрын

I was wondering that same thing...🤔

@KaraOfTheSea

2 жыл бұрын

Lol I was thinking the same thing!

Holding an event where children praise their parents publicly is blatant grooming for a lifetime of fawning. How repulsive. That’s how abuse gets hidden. You make a kid gush over a parent publicly so no one will believe them if they ever say the contrary.

I just quickly want to thank you for basically pouring your entire heart out in this video and spreading out your whole life before us, just so that we can hear a cautionary tale. That is really kind of you.

I am a man so growing up in evangelical Christianity I was largely blind to how the unbalanced power dynamic between men and women in the church was crushing lots of women such as yourself. For what it is worth, I am sorry that I did not see the sexism nor stand up for women such as yourself who were greatly harmed by it. I will continue to learn and do better.

@TheWumps

2 жыл бұрын

This kind of bs was so pervasive in the culture I grew up in that I never saw it for the messed up cult it really was. I still have a lot of baggage I have yet to unpack

@Creepystalker102

Жыл бұрын

Did you ever read the Bible? It’s pretty obvious man

The gender roles bullshit was something that also happened in mainstream culture in the 80s and 90s too. Forced gender roles for a autistic girl like me was torture. You weren't alone in this.

@UnashamedCaliforniagirl

Ай бұрын

It's unfortunately experiencing a resurgence since 2016

as a separate comment, I wanted to say how much I appreciate the respect you show to your younger self! rather than eye-roll at this younger self, or make fun of her, you treat her with respect, and help us to do so also! I am amazed at her intelligence, ability to articulate herself, to share so openly, and her sense of her own records of her life being somehow important (and they were/are)! respecting your younger self helps me to respect my younger-self also - so thank you for this modelling of self-compassion and self-love!

The fact that the leader claimed their creepy statement was a teachable moment is one thing. The fact that they just sat there and let the other girls bully you for the rest of the ride makes me absolutely sick. I'm so sorry.

He was being publicly cruel because he felt entitled to your romantic feelings and you didn’t reciprocate. The teasing was also pretty bad for me as well. I also had an added level of my parents gaslighting me saying explicitly “ well it’s not like you’re going to marry the boy” but then also be like “is that your new boyfriend?” To every boy I talked to. It was maddening and traumatic.

@teijaflink2226

2 ай бұрын

Exactly I think that was the reason for his bullying, he realised that she didn't want him but as a male he felt entitled to her, no one says no to me.

it breaks my heart whenever you read these excerpts you wrote as a child. you were clearly such an emotional and empathetic kid who was hurting and desperate for someone to help or even just notice. I had a friend in school that was drawn into an awana type group and they were also very hurt and vulnerable, and were preyed on by the group for recruitment on that basis. having watched these videos I can identify that they at least lifted a lot of stuff from awana even if they weren't affiliated (but they were in some capacity associated with Hillsong, the original church in Sydney being only 3 hours away at the time). it was really scary how the group operated and I'm glad I got them away from it before it really hooked in.

@justachonkyspider

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah I'm just glad AWANA is not another thing on my ponderous list of christian cults I've joined.....I was too old to officially join when I helped out my ex a couple of times. I was just a guest and could leave whenever I wanted :)

I was a trained Awana leader, and the chapel put on training for us. We moved back to the states and went to an independent Baptist church. I was doing puggles and cubbies here. The other parent teacher had never been to a training, she didn't know the song they just asked for volunteers and she got the spot. She had been there first so it was her class. This lady was the reason I left and never came back. She was adamant that these babies memorize every verse. If they didn't know it they didn't get snack, which was a hershys kiss. We would have a class full of crying children that didn't get a treat because they didn't know the verse. I talked to about this and she felt that this was good because the parents should be shamed for their children not knowing the verses. The kids were required to sit still without moving the entire time. I brought this up to the pastor but he felt her rigorous schedule and rules. Sitting in a room for two or three hours with a class full of preschoolers that aren't able to move are hungry and told they should be ashamed for not memorizing verses. This same lady was antihomeschooling, it was all very confusing however I feel the antihomeschool stance was awesome for her kids, I can't imagine day after day of that

It’s disgusting to think adults stood back while the boy said such sexist things. I grew up in a similar situation so it’s not shocking, but truly so upsetting.

Elly, you have a very calming voice. Honestly I could listen to it all day. I am not from a fundie household, but I can relate intensely to the loneliness you talk about in many of your videos. When you said you wanted recess to be filmed in your homeschool videos, I felt an intense sadness and memory from my own childhood. We are both doing so much better now, it seems, and I hope you continue to deconstruct your childhood trauma. You deserve to be happy.

@ExFundieDiaries

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you! I wish happiness for you, too!

The "appearance of evil"/"how it looks" thing hits sooooo deep. And it always seemed like the burden was placed far more heavily on the girls

@tbeshers

2 жыл бұрын

In my fundie experience, the burden was placed solely on the girls.

@evaschroeder4614

Жыл бұрын

I went through that too. Growing up Catholic and my sexual issues were the worst. I could provide some helpful insight.

@UnashamedCaliforniagirl

Ай бұрын

It unfortunately always is. I grew up in a faith tradition where girls were expected to wear skirts to their ankles and you absolutely couldn't even show your collarbone lest you " excite" someone

I had a similar thing happen with my best friend, Brad. We were just friends, but yeah he was a cutie and I loved dancing with him or just being around him. We’d talk on the phone for hours. Then one day- he just got publicly mean towards me and started making fun of me. Wouldn’t speak to me, take my calls, anything. He iced me out. I think another friend of his, that never like me and made it clear, sort of encouraged him that I was a loser or what not and don’t associate. That stuff sticks with a person, as you know. As an adult, I’d love some clarity on that- from an adult Brad- now a physician. I’ve often pictured myself in his office saying- wtf, Brad? Really? Still pissed. Lol Sorry that happened to you too, Ellie.

@ExFundieDiaries

2 жыл бұрын

I'm sorry you went through this also. It is so painful.

This reminds me of a story when I was a kid: (I'm ace and NB.) When I was a kid about maybe 7-8 years old....I hated wearing tight clothes (I found them itchy and greasy) so I dressed like a hippie and had long hair and I've got a name that could honestly be for anyone. (So growing up a lot of people honestly couldn't tell which gender I was born with) I invited my bestfriend to VBS with me. We would hold hands and I'd carry her around like she was my child because I was a lot bigger and stronger than she. All the guys thought she was my girlfriend...and I'd look at them like they were insane (eww why would I want to date anyone)...and the leaders separated us because we were holding hands during worship 😔....I had so much fun with the other kids while we were separated.....but I had no idea where they took my friend and I was worried about her 🥺... apparently she got in trouble for being so close to me but I got away with it (because everyone assumed me male) (this was my first taste of how ugly purity culture is).....so i lied and told them i was a girl so i could be back with my best friend.....then everyone treated me like a freak for the rest of the week. 😅 How dare this scrawny nerodivergent kid confuse everyone at their good christian church!

@audaciouswildhorses

Жыл бұрын

This reminds me of a conversation I overheard between parents a couple years ago. They were talking about the difference in their mindset between raising boys and girls, particularly through teenage years and into adulthood. "It's just different. Girls you protect, boys you unleash upon the world." It still makes me mad.

@justachonkyspider

Жыл бұрын

@@audaciouswildhorses It's sad they can't just treat people with the same level of respect.

I don’t think it’s embarrassing that you photocopied letters that you sent to people. Hand-written letters are very cool and thoughtful, especially in the internet age, and it’s nice to have record of them.

"my child hood didn't effect me THAT much" also me: *relating WAY too hard to this series*

Don’t semi-appologize for recording everything. It might have been a coping strategy. I remember my mom twisting my memories. And after I pushed back, descibing in vivid detail what had happened, it were my intentions that were wrong… Only now In the middle of my own deconstruction I realized how abusive this was…

Thank you so much for these videos! I was raised Christian and always thought my church was relaxed and not fundie at all, but watching your channel makes me realized all of the harmful beliefs taught to me as a child, that were disguised in the “cool church” facade. I went to Awana when I was younger and it didn’t even occur to me the damage that happened in my short time there

Hey, I never commented before, because (since I grew up in an atheist household) I don't have any personal stories regarding religion to share, but I really admire how you put yourself out there. You seem like such a lovely person :)

Now I remember why I used to boo my own team at the AWANA olympics

It's sad that so many adults can be dysfunctional and traumatizing to kids. Brings up some memories of my own, defending myself

Oh my goodness, I could honestly cry hearing you talk about the instability that comes from a home where moving looms over you like a threat. My mother would put my childhood home up for sale every few years or so and I even suffered through a few sales that ultimately fell through last minute. I know how damaging that can be if you were, like me, an anxious and emotionally sensitive kid. It's hard to develop any sense of shared emotional intimacy with friends when you're afraid you're going to lose them. To this day I prefer letting friends open up to me while I struggle to offer the same vulnerability to them and while that's not all on this, it certainly has roots there.

I appreciate you videos so much! That little stunt they pulled on stage was never meant to congratulate, the primary intention was always to shame. I am so sorry that you and any other kids had to go through that

Another thing I'd like to mention about the shaming kids for not memorizing verses thing is that it's extremely ableist. Any child with dyslexia, ADHD, or any other learning disability would have had an enormous amount of trouble memorizing versus, and shaming them in that way was just another method of telling them that it's their fault.

To add to that, a bunch of us girls and said boy used to play a game of sardines hide-n-seek (hide-n-seek only when you find the person you join them until you end up packed like sardines) until one day we got word that he was forbidden to play that game anymore, thanks to purity culture. My asexual brain just couldn't understand the problem.

Hi Elly! I always look forward to your uploads and this one was very close to home for me. I was raised secular / public school / generally free from religion, but when I was 14 I met a Presbyterian "Cory" and dated him for 2 years, my first boyfriend. His name was Aleks and he mentally abused and psychology terrorized me until I broke up with him at 16 (we were the same age). His parents were the youth group leaders and just like in your story, they saw his open disrespect towards me and did nothing. He openly bullied and dominated his younger brothers and they did nothing. He once threatened self harm with a hobby knife because I was going on a weekend band trip; I told my mother and she told Aleks' mother. His mother blamed me for saying her son was "making threats". He didn't want me to go on this weekend trip because he claimed my time as "our time". He always put me down for being a girl. He was snobby and hateful towards everything I liked. He clearly had nothing but disdain for me and yet he wanted to keep me under his miserable thumb. This was over a decade ago now and I can say at this point I hate him even more for what he did to the spirit of a teenaged girl. Thank you for sharing your stories Elly, they resonate far and wide even in the secular world. I'm sad to hear how you were treated by so many people. I hear you, and I'm sure many other women hear you too. ❤️

@skittlemilks1614

2 жыл бұрын

Damn so many red flags. Good thing you got out of that because he for sure had to have grown up to be an abusive piece of shit. They all show those same signs as a kid. Hope you’re doing ok.

Even as an ex-evangelical, I still want to hear that Veggie Rocks CD. There was a time where I was more into VeggieTales than Disney/Pixar movies. Another good video about VeggieTales, which Fundie Fridays actually used as a source, is SaberSpark's "What Ruined VeggieTales?" I believe Saber grew up in a fundie or evangelical church. I'm sorry all that happened. Kids (and church leaders) can be so cruel. That Cory kid really sounds like a piece of work. I'm glad that, even at that age and in that environment, you were able to identify him as a sexist.

@hannahbrennan2131

2 жыл бұрын

I'm an ex-evangelical too and Silly Songs With Larry is still my jam.

@zerrickishadow7601

2 жыл бұрын

@@hannahbrennan2131 The one Love Song with Mr. Lunt slapped too

@Sophie_Miller_Wx

2 жыл бұрын

@@hannahbrennan2131 I grew up in a very Catholic household. My mom was a very hard core Catholic. She only allowed me to watch “good stuff” when I was little like veggie tales and anything on PBS kids. That was it. However, I did sneak watching Nick and Disney channel because me and my two sisters found out at a very young age how to sneak it lol.

@Sophie_Miller_Wx

2 жыл бұрын

@@hannahbrennan2131 silly songs with lady slaps though. Where is my hair brush?

@hannahbrennan2131

2 жыл бұрын

@@Sophie_Miller_Wx My parents aren't Catholic, but they were strict about what we could and couldn't watch. For example, we weren't allowed to watch SpongeBob because they thought it would encourage rude behavior.

Right around my 16th birthday, my whole friend group also made the collective decision to not be my friend. It was so painful, and I'm sorry you also went through that.

I feel you on the moving thing. We never stayed in a house longer than 5 years by choice.

Watching your videos made me dig out my old journals from my AWANA years. I wasn’t surprised to see so many similar entries - comments from boys who told me I was “annoying” and prayers for more friends because I felt so lonely and unloved. I’m sorry you went through that. No one should have to experience that.

Documenting and photocopying everything is a great practice. Good for you for doing that!

Thank you so much for sharing your story with everyone. I can hear the pain in your voice as you read through your past pain and I sympathize with you. The pain of realizing a guy wasn't interested in being your friend and only saw you as some pontential object for him to use or own is palpable and I understand it so well. Thanks for giving ex fundie, queer kids a safe place to understand and talk about the pain they felt. You are wonderful and deserve all the best things in life.

I love listening to your stories, I'm really interesting in fundamentalism etc... But, often, I feel so sad for the young you... you're really strong.

You reminded me of when I was a six year old girl, and I begged for Castle Grey Skull (a He-man toy) I was adamant, I did not want She-ra's castle, but only Castle Greyskull... What a scandal for the times, lol! My Dad made sure I got that Castle Greyskull for Christmas. The church ladies all thought I was an evil trouble maker... Because I preferred playing with the boys, and the "boys" toys! I am 42, and it still haunts me a little, how I was shamed for being too boyish! (Also loved hunting and fishing with Dad... Skills I am now passing to my daughter and son)

@blueeyedchippewa8271

2 жыл бұрын

Also I got called out at youth group (in front of everyone) for wearing Levi's jeans. We didn't have a lot of $, and I saved my own to buy those jeans, and then I got chastised for wearing them.... Because -" Levi's is in San Francisco, and that is a city of sin, and they hire gay people," said the pastor. I was mortified! But these are all things that eventually helped me deconstruct. Much love everyone 💜 Be yourselves! 💕

Iistening to you talk about this stuff really takes me back sometimes. I don't always comment but someday I want to share parts of my own experience in the Comments too I just don't have the energy because I have covid lol, and partially because it is emotionally difficult. But thank you for talking about this with us Elly. It touches my heart to have the human connection of those types of experiences. It reminds people they aren't alone. Edit: I will share though that my first very intense crush was a boy a lot like "Cory" and how this Cory treated me with sexist bullying even though he was still very much attracted to me. It was and is a lot to unpack in therapy..

Your videos feel like actual home, unlike any other youtuber I've seen. I went through similar experiences and it feels so comforting to know I'm not alone. I also go by she/they and am also bisexual. Thank you Elly, your videos mean so much to me.

@ExFundieDiaries

2 жыл бұрын

This is so great to hear! Thank you for sharing :)

Great video! I had a similar experience with my best friend in grade school like what you had with Cory (except mine was female like me). It sucks and I still have trauma with it as well. Mine happened my freshman year of high school. People like Cory need help in life. You did not deserve any of it.

I hated it when my family would make fun of me and laugh at me. I still hate when anyone laughs at me! People are so insensitive to teenagers. And yes that boys will be boys bullshit is so prevalent still 😡

As a mom, a group dinner to thank me and other parents would be so uncomfortable. That's just me.

@UnashamedCaliforniagirl

Ай бұрын

It's not just you. I would be uncomfortable too .

Ellie, I want to say thank you so much for your vulnerability and honesty on this channel. I did not grow up in fundamentalism, but I can relate to your feelings of loneliness, isolation, and bullying. I also brushed it off as "high school nonsense" and downplayed how traumatizing it was for me. Seeing you treat your past self with sympathy and respect has inspired me to do the same.

Great video. Thank you so much for being so open about these painful emotions. Your channel is so helpful in my healing journey. I'm so glad that you kept such great records/journals as a kid so that we all can learn from our past experiences. Thank you!

Hey Elly. Just want to say thanks for what you're doing here. I was raised fundie as well - homeschooled until grade 8. I've identified a lot with what you've discussed. In particular... Thanks largely to your channel, over the last couple of months I've realized I'm bi. I'm 29, been out of the church for 7ish years, and I still couldn't see it until I saw you lay out how erasure affected your journey. It was like looking in a mirror and actually seeing myself for the first time. So really. Thank you. :)

@ExFundieDiaries

2 жыл бұрын

Wow, I'm so glad to hear that! Thank you for sharing, and welcome to the bi family!! :)

@TotsFabulous

2 жыл бұрын

@@ExFundieDiaries thank you! ☺️☺️❤️

"A wana get out of here"

I love that even as deep into fundie culture as you were "Cory" and his sexsim made you mad, not saying "he's right. I AM a worthless girl" You always had something in you that knew it all wasn't right

Did any of those kids who claimed to memorize the bible verses have to do anything to prove it? I bet a good number of them were lying.

@nicoleshan6410

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, you do have to prove it in front of everyone.

UGH! I had a similar situation happen with a boy liking me. At this church my family used to go to, the youth leader was interested in me (and I was not interested in him), but my family thought I should give him a chance. I legit got into an argument with my family, and they all ganged up against me saying I need to go out with him, and think about how he feels. Like, how about how I feel? It's crazy how evangelical Christians love to cater to the boys while also actively making girls feel like they don't have a right/choice. Oh, also, he was interested in me after I left the youth group, and he was only a year older than me, so it wasn't like weird or anything.

tysm for making these videos and making yourself vulnerable in order to share. as a young ex fundie (only 17 and v thankful to have gotten out when i did!), it's incredibly helpful and inspiring to see someone making these videos and living their life, esp someone who is queer like myself. also, i can't thank you enough for always taking the time to put captions!! i have an auditory processing disorder as a result of my neurodivergence, and far too often i'm left struggling to understand caption-less videos, but never w your channel. you're seriously so inspiring to me, thank you for what you're doing

i grew up roman catholic and went to public school, but the tools of social control that ppl (esp authority figures) used were exactly the same in those environments. but that's what hierarchy does to a culture 😪

My parents weren’t fundies, but they were emotionally immature. The theme of anxiety over how behaviors ‘looked’ to others ran STRONG in their parenting. Even worse were the times where my (mostly normal/developmentally appropriate) behavior was shamed because ‘people talk in this town and everything you do will fall back on me’. And the ‘everyone is looking at you, stop it!’ moments were hilarious in hindsight because as an adult I understand that kids are kids, and ignore them mostly. But when a parent makes a scene by saying this, THAT is when I am looking.

It sounds like Corey was angry after he realized his interest in you wasn't reciprocated.

Elly I love whenever you upload! I feel like I'm peering back at a childhood I can barely remember. Tysm!

Okay so what's funny about telling a kid "don't get attached" is that my mom was a military brat and moved a zillion times growing up but her parents encouraged her to keep up those friendships through letters. She's still in touch with several of those friends decades later. I'm so sorry that you weren't encouraged to cultivate your friendships.

Absolutely beautiful video.. I'm so inspired by your storytelling. I could see you directing a full documentary some day. Also your haircut looks fantastic

I feel so seen by your experiences❤ thank you so much for sharing. You are putting names to so may of the terrible experiences I had growing up in the same kind of homeschool circles

Your haircut looks lovely! I just did a similar chop & it felt so nice lol. Thanks for all your hard work 💞

I had a similar experience where I didn’t get to eat a hot dog cause I didn’t memorize enough verses (mostly due to anxiety when I went to say it) but they pointed it out and made me really embarrassed.

@nicoleshan6410

2 жыл бұрын

How?!

@sarahpoynter9652

2 жыл бұрын

@@nicoleshan6410 my friend who memorized a ton so she had a lot of points ended up using her extra points to get me some but man those 10-15 minutes of watching everyone else eat except for like three people (some who even had special needs like my brother so it was much more difficult for him) it was so humiliating and really really impacted me. I felt like the worst Christian and so stupid.

You are Amazing, I applaud your approach to explaining everything you feel inside!

Really appreciate this video and how you talk about Cory, the teasing, and purity culture. I relate, and its stuck with me more than I realize. I'm queer and non-binary, but AFAB, and the way every little interaction with a boy was always made out to have all this (bullshit) meaning really fucked with me. To this day (I'm 24) I really struggle to maintain friendships with men, even when I really like them as people. I'm terrified that our friendship will be taken as romantic or sexual when that's not my intention. I dont even know how to trust my feelings about men anymore. Do I find them attractive or do I just think that because of my assigned gender and it's a man? It's very covert and damaging. Thank you as always for your vulnerability ❤

@Creepystalker102

Жыл бұрын

It’s almost like sexism is based on sex, and not gender identity

You are my favorite creator on YT, and I watch a lot of YT lol. Thank you for being so thoughtful and talking about your experiences. Your videos are so well made

@ExFundieDiaries

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much! :)

People used to write longhand copies of letters for personal records sometimes! It’s not weird 💙

It was definitely unnecessary for them to basically highlight the kids who didn’t or *couldn’t* memorize the verses, for whatever reason! I’m so sorry you experienced that! Being someone with ADHD and possibly autism, I can totally relate to that kind of humiliation!

I was not part of AWANA, so what shocked me in seeing your home videos, was all the 'dad'/ adult male energy in those gyms, which felt a bit creepy and uncomfortable to to me! AWANA seems to be influenced by military-like ideals of 'discipline and order', with group shaming being used strategically as a tool to keep the least powerful members in line. the tacit acceptance of overt sexist bullying underlines the pathology of this (male) culture where these 'dads' got to play out their power and control issues on easy-to-control 'good xtian' children under their care - yuck!

It’s awesome that you documented all of this

Wow, Elly! 5 minutes in and you uncovered a similar memory for me. My parents were always talking about moving, in addition to already shifting us from schooling systems every 2 years. I didn’t even remember the moving part.

You know something, people like to talk about forgiving those that have wronged them sometimes even pressuring people to forgive, but a new perspective that is seldom talked about is how sometimes that forgiveness is something the offender needs to earn, needs to ask for before it can be given. That is how they show their worthiness.

Thank you for your openness and honesty about this. I didn't grow up Fundie, but some people I really care about have done. The sheer toxicity of the environment and behaviours in so many ways is so horrifying.

Thanks so much for sharing, Ellie 💖

Wow, you have such a calm wonderful way of speaking. I could listen to you for hours.

When you mentioned the soccer ball that totally came across to me as a cute just-friends gesture and confirmation of it being nothing more. And I was raised in extreme fundie culture where boys and girls were too embarrassed to sit together during the sit-down sermons at youth meetings unless they were actually in a relationship, then they'd hold hands and in so doing straddle the actual gap between the boys' side and girls' side of the room which just naturally formed (and generally they were the newbies who hadn't been shamed enough yet, not the leaders unless they were engaged).

Wow! I thought my HS years were tough. Thanks for sharing your story. It got better finally.

Hi Elly, I just want to thank you again for sharing your experiences about growing in a fundie household. I also wanted to tell you to not be embarrassed about documenting everything! I wished I did as now documenting is a big part of my life! I used to have so many journals and I threw them all out and I just recently started properly journaling in a diary again… so please don’t be embarrassed! I think it is very smart of you to think of photocopying letters you send! 😊 Edit : I just finish your video and it broke me when you said your friends collectively agreed to stop being your friends… I’m so sorry. For what is worth, you have many new online friends who care about you, even if we’re strangers. ❤️

“They separated us by assigned gender”. This is a little thing but I like that you said ‘assigned’. It shows that you are thoughtful of these things.

Thank you so much Elly, I love you so much for being so thoughtful and caring and sharing this. It hurt so much but it's so impactful to hear you call it what is, sexist bullying, and emphasize how deliberate and materially harmful the unspoken backlash I can identify with having felt as a kid was... just for trying to avoid the trap of being coerced into gender normativity. I really appreciate you making that connection that it was just a continuation of the persistent attempt to objectify us and sublimate our personhood even as we recognized and resisted misogyny around us. It really makes me feel so disturbed T_T

Thank you, as always, for your honesty. It's amazing how much documentation you have about your feelings and your processing during such a complicated, difficult time in your life. I know I struggled to be this honest with myself about how I felt when I was going through my own stuff. Additionally, the url for this video has a bemused face and it made me smile because I was making the same face while watching and thinking about purity culture lol

Your story reminds me of something from my own youth. A friend of mine developed a crush on me and was too shy to tell me himself. So he had another " mutual friend" follow me around the church and harass me until I agreed to be his " girlfriend". I loved the guy but just as a friend so I said no the first fifty times he asked me to " give Andy a chance". I told him " I know he likes me I can tell but I don't like him like that". We ended up breaking up at youth convention because I never wanted to " go out" with him in the first place. It was my first experience with " not being allowed to say no to a guy" and I have always hated the fact that it happened at church.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and I wish you further healing

you are incredible and i’m so glad you’re speaking on this. ex fundie here, and i feel misunderstood because of my upbringing

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry you went through this and please feel free to take all the time you need to rest and heal. I am just worried in making this video a lot of triggering things come up to you Thank you for your bravery, authenticity and insightfulness again

Thank you so much for this series. As someone who grew up with a vastly different AWANA experience, these videos are WILD. I'm not saying that some things couldn't be viewed as propaganda, but I really dodged a bullet! Our club did not do pledges or the AWANA song. I asked the former director about this, and she said she thought it was really creepy so she didn't incorporate it. The new leader also discontinued PALS and CHUMS because they were insensitive. Memorization of Bible verses was not necessary. If a child didn't know them, they would have them repeat it word-by-word, but that wasn't forced either. There were no "AWANA bucks" - every kid got candy or a small toy they could pick out every week, regardless of if they memorized, or even said, the verse. No one was allowed to work ahead of the group, so kids weren't left behind. Boys and girls were not separated and could freely mix and play together. I was STUNNED watching this and realizing what went on in so many groups. I am so so sorry to anyone who experienced these horrific things!! It's disgusting to hear about.

I started bawling listening to this because so many memories started coming forward from my time. 🥺

I say that it was DEFINITELY intentional. They did it to shame you for not being up to their standards.

Greetings from a former Awana clubber! (pre-K through sixth grade) Did anyone else experience the shame of having Nerd Night as a theme night at Awana? I was extremely short (I had significant growth delays in childhood) and wore glasses, so they gave me Awana points for showing up as a "nerd." My mother was furious about this and called the leaders out. I remember there was this cranky old man who screamed at us to put our toes on the line and they made jokes about hitting like a girl.

Hello friend:) as a fellow queer person from a similar religious and homelife history I've really enjoyed watching your videos. Your reviews have been cathartic and have helped me and my sibling both remember and process.

Thank you for sharing 💔. I'm working thru this too.

When I was 17 I invited all my friends at the time in my youth group to my birthday party. They never came, and they all never interacted or spoke to me again no matter what I did. All the way until i was 21 and could stopped being forced into youth group I would just hide out in the bathroom whenever my parents dropped me off after that. The only friend who showed up to my party was my "secular and of the world" best friend from school, who I had an incredible friendship with for a long time until he passed away. He was the real rock and support in my life, much more than Jesus ever was. It was funny, he came from a very obviously troubled home, was the kind of boy who liked tattoos and the oh so scary rap music 🙄so my parents and youth leaders would continually try to convince me he was a bad influence who was coming for my purity! 🤣 Jokes on them he was aromantic asexual! Funny how "children of God" were always the cruelest and most judgmental people growing up.

Yay a new upload! It's disgusting how you and the other kids were treated. I've never been to awana but it's always been mentioned in my churches including the on I go to now

I love Fundie Fridays!!

I did AWANA for twelve years. It’s one of the worst aspects of my childhood. It damaged the relationships I had with family members. I did the Canadian Adventure camp and it was amazing. I still talk with half of that group 35 years later.

BUT DID YOU FIND THE YELLOW BALL

When I was 5 or 6 my teacher held up my work as an example of what not to do. What hurt even more was I had asked for paper to do it again

I've been noticing the AWANA signs now, after I've been watching your vids.

I had so many UTIs growing up during my time at awana because I took the idea that you “shouldn’t touch yourself down there” literally and had bad hygiene because of it, but they made the subject so taboo that I never brought it up to my mom (who, when years later I did tell her, was horrified that I was made to be scared to ask her about hygiene or normal bodily functions) And then at awana camp, where I was maybe 12, my cabin wasn’t informed that we had to bring a whole change of clothes with us to the pool, so afterwards they made us walk back with towels wrapped around our waists over our swimsuits (cause no legs allowed), and then shamed us for walking around with towels around us cause we had to walk by the boys cabins to get to ours.

I remember how hellish it was having close friends of the "opposite sex" back at my church growing up. (Not actually a girl, but AFAB.) My best friend in middle school was a boy, and our moms and other adults at church would talk to each other about whether or not we'd end up together, and it felt weird and gross. It ended up ruining our friendship for good. Then my first relationship was another boy I was friends with, who I didn't actually like romantically, but I let the youth group and the church at large basically guilt me into dating him just because he liked me. He was a decent guy, and I liked having him as a friend, but dating him sucked. Especially since--at 14 and 16--he was convinced we were going to get married. And his parents supported the idea! Purity culture is miserable. And that's just the more lighthearted anecdotes, because I don't want to put the really gross shamey stuff in a KZread comment. :/

I always hated the memorizing verses thing. I genuinely think that my brain just doesn't work that way. I had a general idea where they were and could look them up if I needed to.

Even though I only know you through your videos, I’m very proud of you 💕

I’m sure it was not funny at all then but you broke that boys heart!!! Lol you crushed him!! So his ego needed to be mean so he could pretend not to care

Thank you for sharing about this experience! I enjoy your channel a lot, despite the fact I grew up in an atheist family. You're such a nice and kind person! I was betrayed, humiliated and shamed by my "friends" and classmates, so I see myself in your story. These people ruined my life and I still struggle with social activities and making friends. I wish none of us were going through this, but it already happened. Thank you - you made me feel less alone