As soon as I heard the "my husband and I are fit. And our sons are fit. We all exercise, eat right", I knew this had nothing to do with the daughter. They unknowingly created an us vs her environment

Dr John didn't mention the possibility that the 13 is being abused sexually. A massive weight gain at that age can also be a way of making herself unattractive so that her brothers, father, or funny uncle, will leave her alone.

@melissab3217

6 ай бұрын

100%

@LarennPBel

6 ай бұрын

Good point

@JaZmine147

6 ай бұрын

Yup. This is what happened to me.

@MsDorcelus

6 ай бұрын

I think he was trying to find out when he asked the mom is something traumatic occurred within the past four years to cause the weight gain.

@LinGil23

6 ай бұрын

My thoughts exactly! I know it happens because it happened in my family home.

Pediatrician here. It may be something beyond her control. Make sure that there is no underlying health issue like diabetes, thyroid problems, PCOS, depression etc. Please include your pediatrician and possibly mental health professionals. 🤗

@crashtestdummy1972

6 ай бұрын

I was thinking this too! Very good point.

@isaacwojo3273

6 ай бұрын

Depression doesn’t give you an excuse to gain that much weight.

@TheRealdal

6 ай бұрын

@@isaacwojo3273it’s not an excuse. It’s feeling depressed to the point your brain chemistry changes and appetite either increases or decreases.

@fire12731

6 ай бұрын

@@isaacwojo3273yes it does and can bc people will stuff their feelings of depression and hopelessness with food. Food doesn’t judge them or belittle them. Food is the comfort.

@BHarris25

6 ай бұрын

Best cure for depression is exercise, not a pill.

Eek, I got stressed out just listening to mom for 2 minutes! Imagine being a 13-year old hormonal girl surrounded by people who don’t look like her living in that environment.

@Jinger17

2 күн бұрын

The Mom is creating this. She needs therapy. I’m sadly guessing that alcohol, drugs or sex is coming next for the girl to cope. I feel so bad for her. Hoping she gets out of this at 18.

My take: this mom has alot of underlying control issues and her daughter has subconsciously learned to rebel through this. Having parents who are semi obsessive about fitness/health and pride themselves on control in all aspects of their life, will result in children with complicated relationships with fitness/health. I think John picked up on that and did a good job here.

@lifeofkali9999

6 ай бұрын

Thank you for putting this into words

@DevHazy

6 ай бұрын

This

@megandunning1558

6 ай бұрын

💯.

@veggiesaremurder

6 ай бұрын

Right. That's what I was thinking as well. She's entered the age (pre-teen to teen) where she's naturally begun to push boundaries and "split" from the family. This is where natural rebellion begins. Though it IS natural, it can lead to destructive behaviors if the parents don't continue to gently lead the child in the direction of the values of the family. Values, NOT behaviors (like exercise and diet). Health, honesty, communication, kindness-- things that are important spiritual and emotional aims. These must be abstract terms, not concrete. Insist on communication at least once everyday. I would not allow her to eat alone in her room anymore because that creates a habit of hiding, sneaking, lying, and isolating from others, which are all habits involved in addiction.

@ChaiLatte13

6 ай бұрын

Yep exactly. The mother has orthorexia and obsessed with exercising and eating 'clean'.

I love that Dr. John called out the toxicity of avoiding outside help and fixing issues solely in the house. That attitude has allowed so many predators to walk free with no consequences!!

The mom needs therapy too. She is treating her daughter the way she was treated as an overweight kid. Tell the mom to get therapy and to knock it off.

No, something traumatic happened to her daughter. It's not about food.

@lifeofkali9999

6 ай бұрын

You understand. Thank you

@gloriack7976

6 ай бұрын

One hundred percent. Something happened.

@chrissyellem7397

6 ай бұрын

Agree possible unwanted attention or sexual assault. The mother never even discussed school in this call.

@kennethko1534

5 ай бұрын

They mentioned it started during COVID. I think it's just the bad home environment and when the daughter had to stay home for COVID and have perhaps double the time in that home environment than she did previously, it became too much to bear and started the spiral. I think physically going to school used to be the respite for her emotionally negligent environment at home and it was good enough to keep her balanced enough to not be on a huge spiral in one way or another. But once the spiral starts, it takes a lot of impetus to turn it around, more than just going back to the way things were.

@joane24

2 ай бұрын

The pandemic and lockdowns, all the stress of the unknown. Many kids had/have massive mental issues from that.

“I’m not a fan of therapy” is a major red flag. That makes it seem like she either has a serious control issue or there’s something being covered up.

@DaBossk

9 күн бұрын

eh to be honest therapy is pretty gay and cringe. a good communicator can figure things out

@thatslamejehl

6 күн бұрын

ED is all about control. She wants something her mother cannot control.

@JoelWende

12 сағат бұрын

@@DaBosskYou should be on a watch list!

@ImSrry4BeingWhite

7 сағат бұрын

​@@JoelWende Why?

With her sons being so "easy" and active while the daughter (in the mother' eyes) is more difficult and lazy, not only is this daughter learning that her parent's love for her is conditional based on her weight, but she's also learning unhealthy relationship dynamics with her brothers. She will come to resent her brothers for being favoured (think Cain and Abel) so not only will she feel unloved by her parent's, but also her siblings. This will drive her into the arms of the first man that hows her any kindness - even if that man is abusive or controlling.

I started gaining weight when I turned 13 after the onset of my period. Not 100lbs. But definitely 30-40 additional lbs between the ages of 13-18. I was eating the same things and was active. Instead of my mom helping me through it, and helping me to understand that my body was going through hormonal changes and I would need to adjust, she just told me everyday that I was getting fat and that I was doing something wrong. She made me believe I was lesser than my siblings because I wasn’t tall and slim like them. The end result was that I felt like I was a failure and that my own body was a failure. I eventually lost the 40lbs in my early 20s after my brother helped me to come up with a diet plan that worked well with how my body functioned. But my brother waited for me to ask him for help, because he knew it would only work if it was something that I wanted for myself. And he let me know that he loved me whether I failed or succeeded, no matter what I looked like. And I believed him.

@mmp495

6 ай бұрын

Your brother is a blessing and knew to patiently wait and listen for you to come to him for advice. ❤

@LarennPBel

6 ай бұрын

Thank u for ur comment. U and ur brother are awesome.

@supernova11711

6 ай бұрын

This made me tear up. Your brother is going to be an amazing father one day if he chooses that life. And coming from a person whose brother never reciprocated her love…you are blessed. I’m glad you were able to get healthy again. How we feel about ourselves effects every aspect of our lives 💕

@kateruterbories2692

6 ай бұрын

This is a legit questions, not a slam. Did you all have the same father? If so, do you look a lot like him? Was your mother angry with something else and taking it out on you?

@supernova11711

6 ай бұрын

@@kateruterbories2692 Why immediately assume it was about the father? Sometimes parents just aren’t good at it or even good people. Angry people are everywhere. It comes from within. It’s not always because the husband did anything.

"It's the dynamic in her home that she doesn't have the tools to address." So good Dr. J!

She could have underlying medical condition or be sexually abused. Some sexually abused children will purposely try to eat and become unattractive so they won’t be abused. Get your daughter in therapy and with a regular doctor and let her know you are here for her.

@LinGil23

6 ай бұрын

Agreed.

@Plooky1969

6 ай бұрын

My first thought was sexual abuse as well. I would get her to a functional med doctor and a psychiatrist to get to the root of the problem. This mom sounded terrible to me. It’s obvious she cares, but she cares on her terms.

@joane24

2 ай бұрын

Considering the onset was about 4 years ago, the most likely reason is the pandemic/lockdowns, and all that. Plenty of adults and even more kids had massive mental issues because of that. I think many already forgot how it was, but so many people were living in a panic mode, then depression, etc.

Not a fan of therapy? Please, mom, get on board. I grew up in this environment. Your daughter is begging for your love and approval. She’s getting her worth from you, mom, and she sees herself as low value.

A friend of mine had a very strict mom who controlled everything she ate and allowed her no treats. She resorted to sneaking snacks, especially frosting which she was caught pulling from behind the couch. I really feel that her mom ruined her sense of autonomy and her body image. This is something parents need to be super careful about.

@batkat0

2 ай бұрын

An acquaintance of mine gained 50lbs in her college years. Grew up with no snacks in the house. Parents were obsessive about food and highly restrictive. Even restricting her at parties. She gets to college and suddenly she's feeding herself for the first time and there's all this delicious fast food and snacks she never got to try.

Mom said, "I see what she's eating...." and daughter knows she's being watched. Who would want that?! Everybody needs to look into themselves, and ask, "how can I be kinder to my child?" Monitoring her, making her feel "less than" because she's heavy sucks. I hope this mom gets help, herself, because her "Christian upbringing" isn't kind to herself or her daughter.

@OrangeAppled9

6 ай бұрын

This!❤

2 minutes in...mom, you are the reason she is self conscious about food. Well into my 30s here and my mom still mentions my weight every single time I see her. It's always a very condescending "you look like you've lost weight" aka, oh boy, you're still fluffy. Grew up with no food in the house, no family dinners, no snacks, no money for school lunches. My mom used to eat a bowl of edemame beans every night and thats it. When I moved out at 18 I became bulimic.

"Mommy, why don't you love me?" God....I just bursted out crying. I hope and pray that these parents figure out what their daughter desperately need. I've been here and it sucks. Now at 43, I know what I WISHED I had asked for as a child/teen. I just had no idea what I needed because I was trained to put everyone else before myself, and I didn't care about myself at all. 😢 Amy, I'm proud of you for calling in. Maybe ask your daughter what *she* needs to feel loved, seen, heard and accepted. ❤

@nleem3361

4 ай бұрын

Me too. Sending you hugs.

@eatnplaytoday

3 ай бұрын

True… I was in the same predicament as a child. I ended up in a career profession that puts others first too, a nurse… the irony of my life. I quit a few years ago and trying to find my true purpose, true path again

Please please have her checked for insulin resistance. This is the physical root of so many of our problems today. Good luck.

@2okaycola

6 ай бұрын

Good idea. That just means she has too high blood sugar too often which indicates binge eating

@RalstigRacing

6 ай бұрын

And lots of processed foods.

@ashleycampbell8767

5 ай бұрын

@@2okaycolawaaaay more to it that that.

Loving her is the most important thing you can do. After that, it might be good to see an endocrinologist. There might be a hormone imbalance causing weight gain that really isn't in her control. There's nothing worse than being judged for something you can't control.

I grew up in an emotionally and verbally abusive and neglectful home and food absolutely became my drug to dull the pain and fill the void and to compound the problem I was absolutely shamed for my weight gain and of course I ate more to cope and honestly I still struggle in those areas. So it really helps to hear that my issues with food and overeating didn't begin in a vacuum and that I need to focus on loving myself.

It took me 31 years to figure out I didn’t love myself. External validation is rough path.I will pray for this girl and your family lady.

@starlingswallow

6 ай бұрын

Stepturtle103, me too 😢

@veronicamz123

6 ай бұрын

Yup

Nurse here- make sure there's not an underlining medical condition. 100lb in a year is a lot and absolutely warrants a dr visit.

@whitneyw.7919

6 ай бұрын

It wasn’t a year it was four years, which sounds like naturally over eating and coping with food

@bahena735

6 ай бұрын

Correct, r/o medical first.

Humble yourself lady & go to a counselor ITs the HOME !

Parents projecting their insecurities on their children so the cycle continues. Hope the daughter finds a healthy path to freedom I can't imagine a kid having to grow up in an environment like that. Breaks my heart. Maybe John's words break through to the mom, but I sensed a lot of pride from her less than two minutes into the call. These kind of people will never admit they got something wrong because it makes them feel out of control. And life for them is all about control.

As a formerly super fit person, I can say that when lifting for 5 years I never try to pressure my kids into CrossFit or lifting. My son is 9 and doesn’t like sports so I let him stop. It makes me sad as our parents made us ply 3 sports BUT I know so well that if I push things on him that’s so unhealthy . I feel so bad for this poor girl who probably watches her parents sense of control with fitness and food. So sad. I also have bulimia so I feel so so sad for this poor baby and I hope she finds her light ❤❤❤

@crow_feather

6 ай бұрын

I just wanted to say that you have a really beautiful heart, and it shows. Thank you for being such a wonderful mother to your children!💖

I started being depressed at 13 and it triggered an eating disorder. She needs to find an outdoor hobby. My outlet was horses.

@seraphina2293

6 ай бұрын

Orienteering, hiking, dog walks, skating, skateboarding, swimming, dancing, so many others. Sometimes non exercise hobbies can help too eg. for me, spending time on sewing and knitting is challenging and/or keeps my hands busy and I don’t get urges to snack in between proper meal times.

@lifeofkali9999

6 ай бұрын

This. AND Don’t fricken make every meal a science class!

@juliemariariley3212

6 ай бұрын

My outlet was horses too! And lots of outdoor stuff.

Such an important call. I wish the very best for that young girl and her family.

Caller: I grew up in a Christian home. ... Also: my father was very critical of my weight, and my brother jumped on board (if Dad says so, he can bully her as well). A very Christian home. And she is not too fond of therapy, because she grew up in a Christian home. You fix things at home and you pray over it. ... so how did that work out for the weight gain of the daughter.

@jillianwickham31

6 ай бұрын

I don’t know where Caller grew up or what her parents thought was Christian living, but fixing it in the home with no outside help is not Christian.

@Plooky1969

6 ай бұрын

My thought when she said that, and I hate speculating…but her older brother did inappropriate things to her and we are trying to cover that up. He is fit, and active with a great future. We do not want outside sources to realize what’s going on. Again, huge speculation, but this crap happens all of the time. (I.e. Josh Duggar)

@glitterstarbeau

6 ай бұрын

Yeah, the caller's dad did not sound like any Christian I know (true Christians, not those in name only)

My mom gave me an ED by worrying too much about my weight and telling me how concerned she always was about me gaining weight. The only message I ever got from that was that my mom was telling me I was disgusting and wrong until I lost weight. I can immediately tell that this mother is sending a LOT of messages about food and weight which only creates shame and disconnect. "Mommy do you love me?" is so spot on

Sometimes this happened when children are sexually abuse

Personally I was an obese adult and also an overweight child. I was lonely. My mom worked a lot, my brother was older and didn’t really have a close relationship. After getting fit as an older adult I actually wish my Mom said something to me. This girl is obviously different. And she’s probably getting compared to her family members. She needs therapy to address what her issue is. She may be gaining weight on purpose to be “unattractive” to others. I’ve heard time and time again that girls and women who have been sexually abused or exploited do that to cope with it.

@ineedhoez

4 ай бұрын

Yes. I did some subconscious reprogramming work to heal my core wounds. I lost 100lbs. It was easy and the wiegyt fell off, because I decided that i loved myself. However, I couldn't get under 200lbs for 6 months. Then I started having night mares about the 1st time that I was SAd. That feeling of helplessness and being unable to fight. I was 116lbs wheb it happened. For my body type, 200lbs is where I start to look small again. I noticed the difference in the amount of attention that I received at 190 vs 210. I had to take self-defense classes and purchase a weapon, so I could feel safe. Once I did that, I continued to lose the rest of the weight. Every time I hit was about to hit 199, I would sabotage my diet and gain. Like clock work for 6 months. The subconscious is responsible for 90% of your decision-making. Its goal is to make sure that you survive. Thriving isn't the goal. If men are dangerous, then the simplest solution is to be undesirable to men. Problem solved.

"Mommy, why don't you love me?" got me right in the feels. Bless this young girl's heart...so much pressure to be perfect. Because everybody else is, why can't you be? 😢

@ihateallyall

6 ай бұрын

i just wanna know how from 9-13 she’s gained 25 lbs a year. that’s insane for a child. children can’t gain weight like that without bad food. where is she accessing excess amounts of food?

@ineedhoez

4 ай бұрын

​@ihateallyall actually, that's not true. You gain weight because of hormones. High insulin levels will make you store fat. Generally speaking, your insulin levels are high because of the frequency in which you eat and what you eat. Glucose makes your body trigger insulin. Generally speaking, yes if you eat a lot of sugar you're going to increase your insulin levels and you're going to gain weight. Excessive glucose consumption causes excessive insulin levels. However, high cortisol levels will increase your insulin levels and make you gain weight. Cortisol is the stress hormone. If someone is in a Perpetual state of stress, they will have high cortisol levels. High cortisol levels break down lean muscle mass. This lowers your resting metabolic. If you lower your metabolic rate, then you will gain weight. High cortisol levels occur in the absence of high glucose consumption. From a hormonal perspective, the body does have a mechanism to where you can gain weight without excessive glucose consumption. Literally every morsel of food that goes into your body will be stored as energy. Your metabolic rate will lower so even if you're only eating a thousand calories a day, your body will run itself on 500, and store 500 calories a day. It is possible for you to gain weight, when you are eating healthy, and believe you are in a caloric deficit.

@honestlynate7922

24 күн бұрын

Self-control and exercise does not make you perfect. Self-control and exercise will make you live longer. These people love her and want her to be healthy and active. She’s hiding in her room and eating too much food.

An alarm went off for me when she said her daughter gained 100 pounds in 4 years meaning the weight gain started around 9 where many girls are starting puberty. 100 lbs is still a lot, but it makes me wonder... was the child gaining a normal amount of weight, but mom percieved it as an issue when it initially wasn't? Knowing that the mom wasnt at a healthy size as a tween and that her other comparison is the sons, it sounds like she may have a flawed idea of what a healthy weight baseline for the daughter. Being the only daughter in a family of very active/fit sons, I'm grateful I wasnt compared to them (often)!

She's not looking for nutrition or exercise help....but her kid has gained weight. Eating alone in the bedroom is a red flag. That is disordered eating

@probablynot1368

6 ай бұрын

Daughter should not be allowed to eat alone in her bedroom. There should be no food allowed in any bedroom. Family dinner time is a crucial time of the day. Daughter should be participating in selecting healthy food at the grocery store and preparing it for mealtime.

@RadCenter

4 ай бұрын

Wanting to eat in your bedroom is a symptom of a disordered home. Her daughter doesn't feel safe at the family dinner table. "Diet and exercise help" won't fix that.

Damn he got me when he said she’s asking if she’s enough. My 10 year old ADHD child is constantly looking for praise and I feel like I use it as a weapon because I’m in a constant struggle with her.

@blueseptember2174

6 ай бұрын

I feel this too. They will definitely break you down 😮😅. You want to just have love and fun but they are relentless sometimes.

@DevHazy

6 ай бұрын

😢😢😢😢

@roselolagne6642

6 ай бұрын

@@blueseptember2174 it’s never ending. I try so hard to go out and make memories but it always ends up not enough and the complaining 🙄 I just can’t win. I thought about writing in but I feel like people who don’t have thattttt child will never know lol They don’t even slow down enough for us to give them love.

@blueseptember2174

6 ай бұрын

@@roselolagne6642 I think alot of us can relate. A call in not only would help you and me but many others. I can tell you love your kid alot and try so hard. Seems like Dr. Jon may have been like this himself as a child so maybe he could have some insight with what worked with his mom.

For her to gain 100 lb at 13 maybe sounds like something is wrong with her body internally

@jeromehenry4484

6 ай бұрын

Disappointed Dr. Deloney didn't suggest going to an Endocrinologist first to check out her hormone levels. It sounds like she might have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome ("PCOS"). PCOS is genetic and that trait can be passed down by FATHERS, not just mothers. There is usually an Insulin Resistance/Pre-Diabetes/Type 2 Diabetes component to PCOS, not just irregular menstruation. Approximately 12% (1 in 8) of female population has PCOS, so it is not a rare condition.

@debbiekoenig7376

3 ай бұрын

She said it was over four years. He asked what happened four years ago, she didn't answer said she didn't know, but referenced covid.

mom brought up the way she was raised and that right there told us shes set in her ways. shes unwilling to adapt to the family she created, and is continuing the patterns of the one she was born into.

@VanessaD82

28 күн бұрын

The quick deflection of several points he made told me she may be hard to change. She sounded reluctant even hearing the advice. ls she's sincere in changing the dynamic of the house? I hope so.

@glamourdarling

28 күн бұрын

@@VanessaD82 probably not. It’s always the parents who are right and the kids know nothing

A very good friend of mine put on 100 lbs in one year, the doctor told her to stop eating junk food, and eventually found out she had a thyroid dysfunction. Also, eating can be a sign of repressed abuse.

Make sure that she does not have Polycystic Ovary Disease. You want to catch it early ; by the the time you catch it in the teens, it s progressing too far.

@comment_account2343

6 ай бұрын

I think you are confused. PCOS is not supposed to be diagnosed early as it cannot be diagnosed before at least 2-3 years after the 1st period.

This was such a great call & loved hearing John’s analysis!! Sooo many parents are like this with their children, especially daughters. Parents approach weight issues involving their kids in the completely wrong way! This woman & any parent listening needed to hear this!!!

This was my story too as a kid. It wasn’t until I had my first baby that I was diagnosed with hashimtos thyroid disease. My grandma had it as well but my parents they didn’t know it was hereditary. I was lonely as a kid so that did fuel the fire, but my under-active thyroid was the main issue😊. Hope this helps!!

Feel bad for the girl. Living in a super fit family must be devastating every day she wakes up, comes home from school, goes to bed. It's a cycle that I don't feel this lady is going to break anytime soon. I grew up a chubby girl-felt super bad during 6-8th grades about myself. When I hit HS I realized I had to change my physical self if I was going to have an awesome high school experience. I lost a lot of weight by the end of 9th grade and was a good weight until I got pregnant in my late 20's. Then all the weight came back on and I couldn't get rid of it. I never felt there was something wrong with me-other people put me down like my ex-husband but I never felt bad about my adult self. Knew it was a medical condition and that's that. Have lost weight in my 50's but gained some back recently. I didn't internalize it which is what this girl has done.

It could be as easy as taking her to the doctor and getting a thyroid test! She may be eating healthy foods but her thyroid may be out of whack or her hormones!

I know someone who gained weight after she started being sexually abused by a neighborhood older kid... she's not getting to the root of the issue, regardless of what it is...

My first thought " was this girl violated? By who? My friend's daughter was taken advantage of by a classmate and it was bad, he was 16 yrs old. Something is wrong, maybe it's the parents but maybe not.

Why not recommend seeing an endocrinologist to make sure she doesn't have a medical issue? I know that doesn't make for high views on KZread but it should be the first step.

Good advice dr John. I have a feeling that everyone has to be perfect on the outside to be successful in the family.

I lived this as a kid. My Mom was a lot like this caller, incredibly results oriented with regards to everything. The results and the way to get there were the only things that were ever discussed and it always felt like results were the only thing that mattered. For us, it was money, grades, and achievement for our family, not weight and appearance. And the results were never measured in non-concretely-quantifiable things like how much fun was had, how interesting the journey was to achieve the results, or how happy everyone was afterwards.

This was so well said. I really, really hope the mother heard it.

Great advice about the mom's trauma and getting family therapy, but I would've added praising the daughter for other things that don't relate to food or exercise. Praise her for the things that she likes doing. Praise her for working hard on a school project, even if she doesn't get a great grade. Praise her for doing acts of kindness, helping out around the house-- any and everything you see her doing. Make it "public" to the whole family! Everyone's hanging out in the kitchen or living room: "hey, did you guys know that (daughter's name) got a B on her science test?! We're so proud of you!". Make it genuine. Get the rest of the family on board (in private) with noticing and praising her for her efforts. This will shift her focus away from the family's lifestyle of diet and exercise, and on the LOVE of the family. Once she feels like she belongs, she'll probably start asking to work out with Mom. Don't tell her what she should do in the workout, but tell her what YOU'RE planning to do for YOUR workout. Ask her what SHE wants to try. Then, do it with her only if she wants to. She may feel uncomfortable trying to keep up with someone who is more physically fit, so make sure that she is doing the exercises she wants and maybe just being there with her while you do your own exercises. Don't watch her or count for her. Just let her do her thing. I hope you see this and apply it! Much love to you and your family, and God bless you! ❤

@elainebmack

6 ай бұрын

Your additional advice is spot on. Praise and attention for something outside of food, nutrition, weight is vital. The mother said nothing about her daughter's character, personality, or any positive attributes; only the weight "problem". No wonder the daughter feels inadequate and is turning to food to fill the love void.

@lifeofkali9999

6 ай бұрын

Love this!! Hope mom sees your comment too. Create a positive environment where she can learn to practice self love throughout her life. Eventually new habits will form on specifics like working out hydration nutrition sleep quality etc but it starts with a foundation of emotional, psychological, and spiritual wellness

I started having panic attacks in the 6th grade. I remember walking a mile in the snow to talk to the Mormon bishop about my problem. He told us to pray about it. How do ya think that worked?

@OrangeAppled9

6 ай бұрын

I hope you are doing much better now. Panic attacks are awful.😢

@chrissyellem7397

6 ай бұрын

Yes I hope you have a better coping system for panic attacks now. They are no joke. Take care.

I struggled with my weight my entire life. My Dad and my brother always pointed it out, but especially my brother by calling me "fat" all the time in my teens. My mom did feel bad and tried things to make me feel better about myself--but in ways that didn't work. She signed me up for a weight loss program at 16 and i was STARVING. I did lose weight, but I gained it all back at 17, cause my periods were irregular and wouldn't stop. Once i got a diagnosis, and started taking birth control, I was back at a healther weight, but then I started get positive remarks from family, which still made me upset, cause that has forever been engrained in me that being thin is the "right way". I also dont like eating in front of people, and hide in my room to eat, or cover my mouth or portions when in-public so people don't think I'm "pigging-out".

Dr John nailed it again!!!

I don't think she likes her daughter. Which is so tragic for her daughter. He is right. They need family therapy. And I think the most needy person is likely the daughter, and she needs it soon. I know what that is like, and for decades I have struggled to forgive my mother. It's really hard. I never estranged from my mother. But that could happen to this mom if she doesn't get some help so she can get past the legacy issues in her own past and be the mother her daughter wants and needs.

Straight A’s, excelling, taking on as much as I can, and trying to do everything my Mom and Grandma would say they wished they could do. They still would just say “that’s nice, I wish I was as smart as you”. It stung every time that they always still had to bring it back around to them or their struggles that they didn’t deal with. “You’re so smart, you can do anything” was what I heard when i tried to talk about my feelings. School was my peace. I got more love, genuine praise, and care from teachers than I felt at home. I didn’t want to throw my life away, I felt like I was watching what that looked like in my house every day. I wanted more than anything to just watch my family choose to do better by me and myself. And yet I’m the only one taking those steps.

Dr John Thank you so much for educating parents and family members on how to love ,accept and respect each other. And by the way thank you for saying the words: She doesn't need therapy, you do My words are not out of spite nor am I overweight myself but I love my family and accept them as they are. Harsh cruel words have a huge impact in our hearts and minds

Interesting take. I feel there's something to this. Ty for sharing!

In our home ,we see a Dr regularly, ruling out any medical conditions. Communication is key . IMO, it's not healthy for her to eat in her room . Something has happened at home, and she's internalized this pain. She's also going through puberty, but she's desperate for LOVE. She's not interested in what you or her siblings do to stay fit ,she's finding her comfort in food. She's got into a habit of hiding out in her room ,but she's really hurting. There's nothing that she misses, a sigh, a grunt , exhaling ,tone of voice , and gestures ,so she's using food as her security . Dealing with the real underlying issues first and then the weight can be addressed. If you're trying to control her portions ,she's really feeling upset. So she's the only person in the household that isn't into your exercise regime. Exercises aren't love. awesome that you called in and asked how to help her . I wish more parents were proactive ,but tbh when you called in ,i heard your frustration/ anger ,i don't want to hear, etc.... i don't know you, but i felt your anger talking to Dr. John. Depression is extremely hard .

Yes, fix it in the home using prayer. That definitely will work. No wonder she is struggling.

Lots of girls put on a lot of weight to protect themselves from being sexually abused or molested (again). Mom should definitely talk to her and make sure that she wasn't or isn't being molested.

I saw me and my mom’s relationship through this call. I’m assuming that it is worst when it comes to being raised in Caribbean family where we too, are told to pray and leave it alone without having a conversation.

Omg its like you guys are talking about my childhood 😢

Excellent advice

I love Ellyn Satter’s books. There’s a great book: Your Child’s Weight, Helping Without Harming. I have struggled with disordered eating and it really helped me stop the cycle with my own kids.

@emilydonleycpa

6 ай бұрын

Ellyn Satter emphasizes family meals. And letting go as a parent. Kids know how to regulate their own eating if you let them.

Do you know what is worse then having a weight problem? Letting it completely destroy every aspect of you. I’ve seen people who keep saying “once I lose weight I’m going to go for the better job, I’m going to date, I’m going to do this that and the other”. Do it today. Live you life. Don’t give up on improving your health, but please know there is so much more to you then that. You deserve love. You have value, and when you are happy you can achieve so much more then you ever will with self hate and comparing.

@FlappyBelly

6 ай бұрын

Being fat makes all aspects of life harder (health, jobs, friends, etc.). Do whatever it takes to not let your kids get fat.

Oh god, this one stung. I want to hug that 13 year old girl so hard. That house sounds like a nightmare. Mine was nowhere near as bad, but my mum was constantly super critical of herself and her weight (she was a healthy weight and fit) and commenting on what I ate and how I looked as I got a tiny bit chubby as a tween (again, healthy weight, just not stick skinny). It messed me up so bad. It still hurts listening to this call because it gives me flashbacks. I really, really hope this little girl makes it out.

I'd have a coversation with her about possible abuse that she never revealed.

@anthonydelgiudice3245

6 ай бұрын

my feelings exactly

Something doesn't sound authentic about this woman.

This has me in tears come on parents she already has to wonder if the world accepts her. Please I’ve had an eating disorder my whole life and thank god may parents have never judged me on my weight tell her you love her don’t worry about her weight just love her.

My son gained a lot of puppy fat pre-puberty and was extremely self-conscious about the way he looked, probably because he got teased at school. We signed up at a serious swimming club and within six months he acquired that lovely swimmer's bod! Not only did he gain a great skill, but it also gave him confidence and he felt must healthier. Where he first blamed me for allowing him to eat so much (!), he later was grateful for the opportunity to do something about the problem and the support he got.

The first thing that came to mind was abuse and/or neglect. No long comment, another person pointed that out. She needs to talk to a profession (therapist) not because of the eating but for her mental state.

This is a tough one for me. I struggled with my weight all my life and still struggle. I've been super fit / bodybuilder type physique and obese. What I learned is that the world is a cruel, nasty, judgmental place. Now my daughter who is adult also struggles with her weight. I've tried to help her but I don't know if it always came through with love. But it was always out of love. I know how cruel the world is and even more so when you are overweight and I didn't want her to be ostracized by it. And make no mistake the world will ostracize an overweight person. So my desire for my daughter to be at a healthy weight and fit in was always out of love because I didn't want her to suffer the indignity of being overweight as I have!!

Yep. My mom would tell me I was being “hoggish” or that what I was eating was “fattening”. To this day, I am fit-ish lol not all muscle but I am healthy…I also watch every single thing I eat. I’ve never been able to eat without thinking if it’s fattening. My mom also forced me to get braces, told my surgeon (my brother broke my nose so I needed reconstructive surgery) to fix my nose bump behind my back, & more. I am 31 & am very self conscious despite being told daily that I’m beautiful. I cannot believe it because of my inner voice. I won’t even go to her house without looking “perfect”. Very put together and in clothes that make me look my best. I think mom means well, I do. But she has now become this girl’s inner voice forever. She will forever worry about her weight just like I do. They both need to go to therapy together & separately

My daughter gained a significant amount of weight when she hit puberty. She was diagnosed with PCoS. Since treatment she has lost weight and feeling much happier and less anxious.

Like other comments suggested Definitely go to Dr, and get a full blood panel workup to check for health conditions beyond her control. But, if health issues is ruled out...please, get her to a councilor and ask if she's ever been abused, especially, sexual abuse! Children that experience abuse cope in " hidden" ways, afraid to tell family what happened, an eating disorder whether it's binge eating like this little girl or anorexia can be a symptom of abuse. Please take that concern seriously!

How does a child feel when the whole family has to go to therapy because of her? How do you prevent brothers from resenting her for this “extra” burden? Or Dad? What motivates them to go when everything is working “great” for them right now?

I grew up obese, went anorexic, and now I'm a competitive figure bodybuilder and Coach specializing in ED recovery. I can tell this caller firsthand and from the experience of ALL the people I work with - her tactic is implanting an effete relationship with food and her body and exercise FOREVER. I'm going to be the one untangling all of this one day. There's no easy answer - but I think for the daughter, having a coach that empathizes and helps her find the fitness THAT SHE LOVES, along with some loose nutritional guidance, will be enough to start small changes, Small changes make things seem possible, and lead to bigger changes.

@greenAbbot

6 ай бұрын

I’m having trouble understanding what you mean by “effete” in this context.

@ladyviking

6 ай бұрын

@@greenAbbot I edited it - the word is "effed" and it's my way of saying "fucked" without outright swearing.

@blueseptember2174

6 ай бұрын

Not trying to be mean but competitive body builder seem like they have disordered eating. Is it not trading in anorexia for orthorexia? There doesn't seem to be a maintainable balance still thats peace giving?

@DevHazy

6 ай бұрын

I disagree about the kid needing a coach but I do understand FOR ADULTS that bodybuilding can help the food issues. I’m bulimic so hugs to everyone who is struggling

@ladyviking

6 ай бұрын

@@blueseptember2174 With all due respect, you know nothing about me. Bodybuilding is what BROUGHT ME OUT of my eating disorder and helped me learn to be ok with the processes of maintenance and dieting, then coming out of it to go back into maintenance. Orthorexia is cutting out specific foods - I don't cut out specific foods. My relationship with food is based on performance but there is a lot of enjoyment, and nothing is off limits. Many bodybuilders do become disordered - that's true - and I've seen many coaches ruin an athlete with severe restriction and misinformation. My priority is the health of my clients, short AND long term. My specialization is Eating Disorder Recovery, and I take clients out of the hole, whether it be BED (binge eating disorder), Anorexia, Bulimia, or subclinical ED. My clients are always under the care of a Mental Health Professional as well, so there is always a team in place for support network.

My mom only showed me love when she thought that I was losing weight. I had to stand before her on the scales everyday.

As a kid that has been overweight since I was 5- It is so difficult for a family to approach this. Most of my childhood was surrounded by diet after diet after diet. All of them ultimately failed because my weight gain was a result of chronic trauma and my brain produced less dopamine than typical. My mom did her absolute best to not shame me and only tried to help me. This mom is at least aware of healthy foods, portions, exercise is encouraged in their home. Bravo to her. She is going too far, but I get where her efforts come from. They come from the shame and knowing that comes with growing up overweight. She doesn't want her daughter to experience life as an obese person because everything is so much harder. But by controlling everything that goes into her mouth she's creating chronic trauma in her child: that she'll never be good enough no matter what she does. Hopefully she will take what Dr John said to heart and also dive into the reason behind her sudden weight gain whether it's psychological or physical.

The mom is a big part of the problem and doesn’t know it.

@OrangeAppled9

6 ай бұрын

Hopefully, she knows now!

You walk with her every single evening after school. Walk half a mile or a mile around your neighborhood. The weight will shed off naturally with an active lifestyle. Get rid of all junk food in the house and replace with fruit, healthy smoothies, peanuts and popcorn are healthy low fat snacks. Above all… walk!

The mother is not listening. I can imagine how the daughter feels in that house, she doesn’t measure up unless she does A,B,C and uses food to cope.

This was so relatable for me. Mom was tall and slim. Dad was short and very heavy. The brothers were like Mom. I got the Dad genes. After my mother died when I was eight, the gloves came off. My father would stand in the kitchen and berate me while I cleaned….that wasn’t the person to throw the first stone. I was a figure skater (he was a hockey coach). He rarely watched me; I assumed it was my 125#. I remember this stuff like it was yesterday. I was wearing a high waisted navy jump suit to skate “Sam, you made the pants too long”. I knew he was there somewhere. I was probably 45 seconds from getting on the ice. He appeared and told me “don’t lose any more weight “. I 😮was at 107#. One of the happiest moments of my life. I was about 17. I remember it like yesterday. I’m 77 now. This stuff stays with you! The day I made Dad proud but not for skating. For being a size 7.

The mom needs to wake up- something else happened other than food. I would have asked the mom- How does it feel to fail as a parent? I say this because how come the first step before calling into this show was NOT going to a doctor?

My son is 8 and got a little chubby, but I’m not necessarily fit either, but hubby is. We have to work on it as a family together. I have to specifically keep only healthy foods in the house. I have to specifically cook foods that are harder to over eat on. No one overeats on broccoli. Granted I know there is a world of differences from an 8 year old and a 13 year old, my son begs me to play basketball or soccer with him. I have to do it, even if I don’t feel like it or don’t have the time. I want to keep that excitement for activity in him. I struggle with not making my son feel self conscious about his weight also. It’s so hard.

@scroogemcduckismyspiritanimal

6 ай бұрын

An 8 year old that gets chubby but is still active is very likely getting ready for a growth spurt, I don't think it's something to excessively worry about

@chrissyellem7397

6 ай бұрын

Perhaps have him join a Boys Club or little league? He can be around his peers and play sports and won't be bugging you so much. Find an activity you BOTH can enjoy together to make lasting memories-it doesn't have to include physical exertion where you don't want to go. It can be boy related like astronomy and you can camp and hike to see the stars but it's not where you would be dreading it.

It's a parent's responsibility to control the portions of the kid's food. Also, a kid is going something traumatic, that's why he/she tries to numb it with food. You have to find out what happened.

When the mom asked if she was supposed to just let her daughter gain 600 lb and be okay with it, my inner child cried. My mom was much the same, and now I have a disastrous relationship with my body, with my weight, and with my sense of self-worth. I am 37 years old and don't feel worthy of love. And when bringing it back to my mom, she'll make statements about she did what she could with the information she had, and she did not want me to be 600 lb. I sure hope this mom listens and gives her daughter the help she deserves. It is a long lonely life to not love yourself, and as daughters, we strive so much to make our mothers proud. My weight issues started at 12 and I started the cycle of yo-yo dieting and body dysmorphia, which led to eating disorders, and it has been a very long 20 plus years. Help her now.

@jillianwickham31

6 ай бұрын

You have empathy and understanding because of what you’ve been through. I know you can be fully healed and free. You are unconditionally loved.

Stop letting her eat alone!!!! Omg this is so bad.

@alleykeosheyan4779

6 ай бұрын

Agree, that needs to stop PRONTO!

I have heard you in the past ask someone to get checked out by doctor. I don't understand why this wasn't recommended. It is very likely physical related and impacted her mental health. And compounded by mom's childhood issues. It needs to be addressed physically and mentally. Not either or.

I know this is not related to topic at hand but children development and weight issues are important. I knew this mom that was in a toxic relationship and she basically kept on feeding herself and young child the the point that boy needed an oxygen tank due to heart problem from the weight before even graduating highschool. It was sad.

Owls are super cool

When I was 14 I gained about 40 pounds and my mom told me one day that I should lose the weight by eating less. I wasn’t happy and then that along with the comment was enough for me to actually lose more than the 40 pounds. I’ve mostly maintained a good weight since then but now I’m in my 20’s and the binge/restrict cycle has been a battle for a good while. I’m only now figuring out how to deal with that. I’m so happy I lost the weight but if the main issues aren’t fixed they just show up differently for sure

This poor girl. I’m a Mom of four daughters. We DO NOT talk about weight…EVER. And I told My husband this as soon as the first was around 9/10. He agreed. (He grew up in a house with someone with an eating disorder) All Our girls are softer t sizes and we love all the same! We love all the same. And it’s all o.! Life is not about being someone else’s standard. It’s about loving Yourself! The Mom needs therapy and the daughter needs out of this toxic environment.

Some people that commented definitely didn’t listen to the call and it shows

All John had to say was that there is not one damned thing a parent can do about a weight-prone child....except to make things worse. And he is absolutely right. This mom (and dad) could totally succeed in making their child feel that she is unconditionally loved and the child will still be weight-prone and/or obese.

@gmarie3053

5 ай бұрын

Where do kids get the money to binge eat? I couldn’t have been obese as a kid if I tried, there was no food 😭

Tell kid you love them. Spend time with them

She doesn't feel loved by her family. She feels like an outcast. Some people are just bigger.

There were pretty dicey situations so far on this show but this is the saddest. Dr got pretty rough&real by the end.

Laying off the carbs as a mother is difficult but give her protein and veggies as insulin is a fat storage hormone that is requested when eating carbs. No sugar amap. More activities with family. Just walks with family. Don’t ask her to run her weight won’t let her. And of course making sure it’s not something else by pédiatrician. Side note if she’s diabetic her blood is like mud when exercising so it’s difficult. Increased salads with meals.