I love this video so much! Star Heartsong here 👋, just discovering this video in 2024. It resonates with me so much. 17 years ago, I was a Lecturer at MIT and I taught a course on the philosophy of love and imagination. 8 years ago, I had a profound spiritual awakening that I am still integrating to this day. This video came to me by synchronicity, and it feels so right, so true, in accord with my organically grown beliefs. 1) Hurt is normal, it's here for our growth, allow yourself to feel safe enough inside yourself to be hurt, and to grow. Hurt is the medicine. The white lotus of awakening grows from the poo at the bottom of the pond after all. 2) No need to compromise. Once you have done enough self work and you know yourself and you feel you are living ON your purpose, which is also called dharma, then you do you boo. And two divine processes always find a solution. Don't take the bait to compromise who you are, once you love who you truly are. 3) Go to bed. Trust that the divine process will do its work and stay open or non-attached to the outcome.

Some of the things make more sense than others, at least to me, but the "don't go to bed angry" does not mean you need to keep fighting it until exaustion, it means you should know that as angry as you may be, the bed is a sacred place and you need to tell yourself that whatever it is you are fighting about, it can be dealt with another time. Bedtime is a sacred moment for marriage and it takes a concious decition to hug each other in bed, even if you are so angry you don't want to talk at all. Just take a shower, put some perfume you like, and go hug each other in bed, nothing else, just hug or hold hands if that is all you feel like giving that day, but remember to simply let the problem go for tonight, because neither of you really know if you are going to wake up tomorrow. If you make it a ritual of your relationship to never argue in bed, take concious steps to touch each other before sleep, and simply let anger wait for tomorrow, you may find that tomorrow you don't Even remember what you were so angry about. Never underestimate the power of touch, of being clean and smelling each other while you simply hold hands. Be angry with the action or problem itself, not with the human flesh behind it.

I love this "it takes one to break old patterns." The person who stops keeping score and chooses peace over war - that's the person who changes the world. A major theme in my favourite anime Naruto Shippuden ;-)

Great advice if you are in a relationship with someone who is growing and teachable also... narcissistic people will take and take until you disappear and then be upset because you stopped meeting their needs. 💕

@donnachazanov4641

4 жыл бұрын

The question is what in you made the choice to be with a narcissistic person in a relationship? You chose, by not walking away.

@dumfriesspearhead7398

2 жыл бұрын

@@donnachazanov4641 Being a sensitive person.

@Alphacentauri819

10 ай бұрын

@@dumfriesspearhead7398being a sensitive person isn't the answer... because how are you empowered to take action from that? Not be sensitive? No. There are plenty of sensitive (and that is a broad array of definitions, but I won't get into that here) people, who are not attracted to, nor attract, narcissists. Narcissists like people who don't have a firm sense of who they are. Narcissists like people who don't have good boundaries. Narcissists like people who will give up their needs for the narcissists. Narcissists like people they can manipulate. People who tolerate narcissists, actually treat themselves the way a narcissist will. To explain further...if you have negative self talk, internal dialogue, you'll more likely tolerate someone talking negatively to you. You might not like it, but you're more likely to tolerate it. If you don't have self trust, the narcissist will feed into (and off of) that too. If you have a core wound of unworthiness, the narcissist can get in easily. Those are just a handful of examples. Usually, these ways of relating to oneself, started in childhood. Our primary caregiver (s) condition is in certain ways. That isn't our fault. However, when we realize that we are continuing it to ourselves...it is our responsibility, to self advocate, heal, change our relationship to ourselves, and be empowered. We then can communicate our boundaries, needs, with no apologies, but with confidence, knowing we have a right to be here. That, that, is narcissist repellent.

Compromise - an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. "an ability to listen to two sides in a dispute, and devise a compromise acceptable to both". When she's saying Compromise is, is not the definition above, she's explaining "give and take". Then she's explaining whats better, witch is COMPROMISING!

She talks about being selfless and it is a nice approach but at certain point you are going to feel used and taken advantage of. Best thing to do is to know your partner as much as you can before you marry him. And please, forget about the false hope expectations that romantic movies sometimes condition us. The subliminal message is ingrained in our minds and we don’t even realize it.

@pragawa

3 жыл бұрын

👍👌

@machindraborhade8984

2 жыл бұрын

0

@peaceproscovia4850

2 жыл бұрын

True and I think it also has to come from both parties. You feel used when it’s only you compromising and the other doesn’t

@osirusj275

Жыл бұрын

ya if u feel used just stop giving, and when they ask why, you just say you are tired from giving..if you still want to give if your heart tells you to then do so, but dont expect a return.

Mixed feelings about this. Learning to deal with pain and hurt instead of avoiding it is key, very important for *all* of society. Learn to effectively deal with it, instead of just getting upset, offended, angry... which is completely unhelpful and useless, but that's what everyone does now. Compromise... this one is a bit short-sighted. She just says there's always a solution where both people are happy. Nonsense. There's very often not a better solution, and then the choice is either compromise, decide who is going to get their way... or get divorced. Example: have kids (or another kid) or don't. If one wants to and the other doesn't, there's no "great option" where everyone wins. "Don't go to bed angry" has been told to me by so many successful, happy old couples than any other piece of marriage advice. "It only takes one person to change: You" is somewhat true, but there's still two "yous" in the relationship, and sometimes, even if you're doing everything you can to grow and make things better, the other person might actually be the problem. See: abusive relationships. No amount of change on your part is going to fix the fact that you're being abused.

This is only true if your partner is also not in need and a sane person. I had a husband that was going mental over small things, being irrational and aggressive. You just cannot deal with such people on a rational basis. It also takes just one person to destroy a marriage.

What makes it longlife is sincerity. Just give everything while u can, n always to try so hard that when you lose them u know uve done anything u can to maintain the relationship. And always remember that whats meant to happen will happen anyhow.

How is compromising a bad idea? In my relationship we both make it work and listen to each other. When we compromise, we both feel happy and close to each other. Btw, finding what both of you want to watch is in fact a compromise. There are different ways of compromising. Being able to talk to each other and listen without judgement is also a form of compromising. This lady is only talking about one version of compromising and she’s talking about a failed compromise, not exactly how compromising actually works.

@FlorisVerbeij

Жыл бұрын

I think it depends on your definition here. If comprise means: “both of us are equally unhappy” it might not be the way to go. If you go for “we both win” it might be great.

I'm 38, where was this talk when I was in my twenties? WUAHHHHHHHH

This is worth 18 minutes to listen to and have a dialogue with your partner. ( and your children)

☆Compromise bad for a marriage ☆ Agree on one thing ☆ Contribute What is one contributing Be selfless all needs are met ☆ Dont go to bed angry it takes one

I also believe it works in our marriage , after a fight just go to sleep , relax and then discuss the problem in morning or whenever time permits but on next day itself , you get time to think what went wrong , and your partner gets time to go through his problem .. ...anger is gone now like normal adults discuss what triggered you or him to lose the cool...but discuss it dont let go

This information is so good and when you hear it makes such perfect sense that you wonder why it is not obvious to all people in relationships. I’ve certainly struggled in the old model Liza describes and the hurt and/or anger occurs to me now as wasted energy (not that I’m beating myself up about it - you live, you learn, and the lesson or knowledge gained is in the contrast between experiences). I love the self-empowerment and contribution aspects of the Liza’s new model - it truly embodies love. So glad Liza is sharing her message!

Thank you for this, personally and professionally your talk was an amazing gift. Peace.

Liza is a complete person. Intelligent, articulate, reasonable and attractive. She's got a lucky husband.

I watched this two days ago and have been thinking about it ever since, sharing it with friends wherever I can.

my right ear is not happy with this video

@TheNAJunkie

5 жыл бұрын

I thought it was just me lol

@SupaHoon

5 жыл бұрын

I thought my headphones were broken!

@pizookie5

5 жыл бұрын

😂

@chrispatterson1019

5 жыл бұрын

I thought something wasn't right ! I was listening whilst driving and thought bluetooth disconnected, and I was listening to this via phone speakers. I didn't know the right/left sound issue would be on bluetooth too !

@byrdfocused

5 жыл бұрын

Rakesh Narang thought I was tripping for a sec. Had to play some music really quick and check my headphones to make sure I wasn’t bugging

Empowering ideas for a healthy relationship. Liza brings awareness of the old ideas and expectations in relationships. Out with the old and in with the new, I see myself listening to this talk often!

@angie19303

10 жыл бұрын

Just watched this and I liked her...great points!!

Great presentation and such a wealth of wisdom! Thank you for sharing it with us, Liza! ❤️

I love this. I think a lot of these things. I give and give and sometimes hope there will be reciprocation. I have expectations that leave me with resentments on my marriage which I am working on letting go. And going to bed angry is the best advice I have, because I feel differently in the morning and am less likely to say things I don't mean.

Thoroughly enjoyed this talk! Liza shared some very empowering ideas and will coming back to listen to often.

Simple and to the point! Great talk.

i just have to open my mind...both my ears are happy with this video.

What I got from this: Hurt is inevitable, you should expect that someone will hurt you eventually, Prepare to love them regardless Don’t compromise, find new agreements, stop keeping score it leads to resentment. Don’t expect your husband or wife to be your source of fulfillment, Only Jehovah can fulfill that hole in your heart, focus on what you can contribute the person what you can give not what they can give you theres no resentment if you realize they cant give you anything that will make you feel whole Contribute to the other person, don’t expect a constant give and take it leads to resentment be selfless, need is not a gift Just go to Bed, sleep on it, ask yourself what are you contributing to the relationship, is it anger? That’s pointless, sleep calm down and focus on new creative solutions to your challenges. Its takes one to break old patterns, it takes you to change to make things better, not the other person Life changing outlooks on how to treat our husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, coworkers, friends, strangers you have conflict with everyone you have interactions with, love it.

@gwendolynstanfield2653

4 жыл бұрын

Where did she mention Jehovah?

So I think knowing facts and understanding each other s problems too helps us a lot and most importantly everyone s problems..thank you for giving this opportunity

What a beautiful TED Talk. I wish there were more than one likes, I would definitely give. Loved the ideas. Thank you 🥰🥰♥♥

I think she is amazing. Solid advice in my opinion and I feel I can relate 100% not sure what the rest of you are talking about.

Great video. And, commenters, please look for the positive and what you can learn from each person instead of the mistake that was made.

@lisettecallis5329

4 жыл бұрын

learn never to listen to her again.

@pennyb9445

4 жыл бұрын

@@lisettecallis5329 May have struck a cord.

Great talk. Thank you

Excellent talk with really powerful ideas! More people need to hear this message -- both single people and married couples. I don't think most people realize just how sick and dysfunctional modern relationships are. We all need to start holding ourselves to a higher standard in relationships and Liza shows exactly how to do that. Definitely worth watching and re-watching!

@DrDonaldRNunn

10 жыл бұрын

I agree

@MyNCHomesChapelHill

10 жыл бұрын

A question that comes to my mind is whether modern technology, (specifically the Internet) haven't contribute to the dysfunction that is evident in so many relationships today? Great TED talk, thanks for sharing.

wow, that new and good idea for a better relationship.

Liza - you rocked this talk. Your content very good. Your. delivery is extraordinary. I am impressed and inspired. I would be excited to send clients to you. That is my highest praise.

Mind blown!!!!!!!! This was game changingly helpful!!!!

This is an Excellent TED talk on Marriage. I really liked the approach of Old Model vs New Model to reflect and have a huge paradigm shift that will help create a beautiful marriage for any one who is committed to practice the New Model approach. Thank you for helping us with your new insights.

My compromise consisted of telling my (now ex) wife,"do you know what? I think you're right and I was wrong." What I got in return was, "bullsh--, David, you are not going to agree with me just to avoid an argument!"

@holdontowhatyouneed

8 жыл бұрын

glad you got out of that one!

@davidcraigthor

8 жыл бұрын

:)

@KineKeys

7 жыл бұрын

David Craig 😢 Wow.

@JamesCraigWhoop

7 жыл бұрын

90% of the argument resolution was understanding the other person.

@kimmiller5780

7 жыл бұрын

James Craig How would you handle this kind of situation(it take 2 to argue) your partner takes your keys. you can't drive to work you can't take child to school. You inform them you need the keys.they do not agree.do you miss work tell your child no school today.Or tell your partner this is not right.people are not always​ that simple.hopefully you never have to deal with this in your relationship.

Thank you for this message. The pastor who married my ex and I advised us to never go to sleep nor part in anger. We followed that advice for 21 years but when we stopped, our disagreements took control & we divorced after 23 years of marriage.

@AbiNomac

4 жыл бұрын

Kim Johnson - How sad. I’m sorry for you.

@freakmeoutwillu

2 жыл бұрын

😞

@osirusj275

Жыл бұрын

thats not the root cause, wont both of you appreciate that you guys have proper settle management for past 21 years? the root ccause is somewhere else...

That was excellent great information new fresh

The thing is we cannot completely obliterate ourselves in a marraige .. there should be some kind of balance for a healthy happyness and satisfaction

Amazing Best Advise Ever

God bless u take care...

Because women in marriages tend to fulfill other people's needs first before their own in many cases and it would be nice that this goes both ways ..... as noone can survive very long always giving and rarely receiving ..

Thank you

I suppose if you go into a relationship always thinking, me me me me me me me, and expecting someone else to "complete you, you're already set up for an unhappy relationship and venomous divorce.

Excellent!

This was so disturbing!!! I have to worry about her clients. Sure, those who say, "But I give and I give and I never get anything back!" may SOMETIMES be "self-centered," but they also MAY be the very opposite of "self-centered." They may be sacrificing themselves, for years, for the sake of abusive partners, and one day wake up and find they've been backed into a corner now that they've sacrificed career, money and allies to make the partner happy or "the relationship work," and that now that there's nothing left, they themselves are no longer useful and are being discarded by the personality-disordered abuser. Right, IF you are a good person, it doesn't feel good to be all about "ME," and it feels terrible to be accused of being selfish and self-centered, but abusers take advantage of this fact to make good people feel guilty about questioning the imbalance in contributions to the relationship. This speaker should have made a huge caveat about narcissists especially, and maybe border-lines and other disordered people, because in those cases at least, following her model is soul-destroying.

@LolifreakSoap

4 жыл бұрын

She uses this sentence as an example of how 'the old model' can make you think/act. She does not say, everbody under the impression of giving more than he/she gets is self-centered. She proposes general concepts and ideas opposed to old widespread ideas - they can't apply to absolutely everyone or every situation, especially if there are mental-health-issues involved. I believe especially the old 'Every partner is responsible for his/her partner's happiness'-model is really dangerous when it comes to abuse. To me, the other side of the true contribution coin is: Don't do something, if you would only do it to get something in return. (I missed this in the talk.) This mindset also makes one less vulnerable to manipulation, I think. Since this talk is actually about changing the understanding of how a good/healthy relationship works, I understand why it does not include 'unfixable' relationship problems. But I want to thank you for bringing this topic up, though! You seem like a good person :)

@alonzobarnes302

4 жыл бұрын

I think the purpose is for both people to adjust their thought process. Not just the one person. I know multiple couples where both feel they are constantly giving and not receiving. When they argue they do exactly what she says which is pull out their stack of “good deeds” they’ve done since the last argument. Most of the time the problem is that neither person feels that “good deed” was that great so they don’t appreciate it so to them no good deed actually happened. This causes further resentment because now you’re telling your partner that the deed they did is isn’t worth appreciation.

@saraabaza7633

4 жыл бұрын

Why did you assume that she was talking about abusive relationships. Abusive relationships follow different dynamics. She was referring to the majority of normal relationships with no abuse. People who are not victims of abuse but keep giving because they only feel validated when they keep giving are selfish. They either follow the old model and what they were taught be older generations about how relationships work, or they think that people won't stay around them if they stop giving because they're preoccupied with not being alone rather than what the relationship needs to thrive or what the partner actually needs.

@matrig6

4 жыл бұрын

Sara Abaza I did not assume that that is what she is talking about, but rather wanted to flag the strong possibility (not inevitability) that any couple having problems poses a possibility that abuse is going on, so there are no general rules that always apply, which is exactly how these points are presented. Why does the therapist ASSUME both clients are normal and the relationship is normal? In my experience, marriage therapists don’t necessarily (or even usually) know one of the clients is a narcissist. Psychologists in general have almost no understanding of narcissism because such people do not seek treatment as individuals. In addition, a well-intentioned person seeking out and bothering to watch TEDx talks on improving their marriage likely does not yet know what the problem is and may be blaming him/herself for “not trying harder,” when that approach is simply never going to work. This talk’s simplistic if/then dogmatism can help to keep that kind of person stuck beyond a reasonable point of self-reflection and a healthy amount of self-doubt and appropriate sacrifice.

@Ohsage1111

4 жыл бұрын

@@matrig6 You're assuming that she's assuming (both clients are normal) rather than doing what therapists are trained well to do during their education program which is to spot anomalous behavior such as abuse or emotional disorders and refer such a person to a medical professional that can mitigate such issues with meds or specialized therapy & intervention. In order to get one's MFT license one must go through months of ethics classes and legal education classes. If she were to counsel an abused person to compromise and 'just keep giving' she would risk legal ramifications. Also, this is simply a talk of wisdom based in compromise and co-created solutions. Anything in an abusive relationship will become poison...even wisdom...because compromise cannot be present in the face of narcissism and hatred unless the narcissist/abuser is changed from within or removed from the situation.

Between 2:30 and 3:00? Yeah, that's plain wrong. People didn't mostly die at 35. A LOT of them reached 60 and seventy. The average lifespan, back in the olden days, was so short, because a LOT of children died at birth. And young mothers died at birth. The point is still somewhat valid: Marriages probably seldom lasted until the age of seventy mainly because your wife had a very good chance to die giving birth at one point or another. But if you take out all child deaths before the age of six months, average lifespan, even back when, was way longer.

@cosmicwaderer1247

8 жыл бұрын

Feminists feel mathematics is oppressive. MAth, MAn do you see the problem? ( feminist logic).

@RetiredRhetoricalWarhorse

8 жыл бұрын

cosmic waderer I am getting so tired of feminists and anti-feminists... I am just as tired of vegetarians, vegans and all the other social justice warriors.

@orangecucamonga

7 жыл бұрын

Thank you! I was just typing the same thing. Such lazy "theory"-making, some research would have helped. "Just go to bed!" is spot on. Married 17 years and we've have never stayed up all night fighting. Sunrise is a great salve! The rest of this warm hug is prosaic nonsense. At least I can feel good that we're not missing anything revolutionary. Hardly "2.0"...

@RetiredRhetoricalWarhorse

7 жыл бұрын

orangecucamonga It's better to address problems with a clear head while the topic is still on the forefront of your mind. IMO, the best thing is to sleep it over and discuss stuff the next day. I can also recommend doing so over whatsapp or something similar, as this allows you the time to read and reread comments and better formulate what you want to say. A face to face situation can put you under pressure and make you more prone to emotional outbursts.

@shanekaylor9791

7 жыл бұрын

You neglect to mention that a lot of marriages in those days were arranged, and even when not, divorce was virtually never an option.

Come and talk to me when you've been married for 50 years and your husband just turns his hearing aid off because he doesn't think there's a problem! Do you honestly think no-one else has thought of these strategies/techniques? Simplistic and patronising but worth it for the hilarious redefinition of 'compromise ' (how'd that work out for you kids?).

@jdwright3277

4 жыл бұрын

I agree with you

@osirusj275

Жыл бұрын

well probably he doesnt turn if off suddenly after 50years, the issue started long ago, if after years you cant find a fix and you still stayed, then who is to be blame?

i do not think we should accept hurt .. it is going to happen .. but then if the person really loves you they are going to try and change so that they do not hurt again .. if they don t or try,, the other person will have every reason to think that he.she does not give a damn and one day say : well i have had it .... and i am also all for compromise especially on important things .. we cannot compromise on everything .. but there are things that definitely require compromise of some sorts

I thought my earphone broke

I love the commitment between a couple. If you I don’t feel compromising I don’t even start a relationship. I disagree totally with you. I am married solidly to someone because we do have a compromise and we both allow the other to be.

@hannahmcintosh5343

4 жыл бұрын

I agree. I think different people have different ideas of what "compromise" means, especially in such a complex scenario as a marriage. The example she gave of picking something to watch on TV seemed really trivial and oversimplified to me. I'm happy to compromise on what is on the TV, not happy to compromise on things that ACTUALLY MATTER to my relationship with my spouse. Compromise can mean turn-taking like she said, and I think that is generally bad for relationships, but it can also mean considering the other person's wants and needs and weighing them up against your own. For example, I don't get on with my in-laws and don't love visiting them, but I appreciate that my spouse needs to spend time maintaining relationships with his family so I go. Some people would call that compromise but to me that's just being sensitive to the fact that my partner is a human being with feelings just like me. Empathy is key in a relationship. Selfishness is a lack of empathy. As long as you don't hurt your partner, you can follow your own dreams and support them in theirs. The way she worded her message about selfishness and codependency was confusing at best to people who don't know what a successful relationship looks like.

@osirusj275

Жыл бұрын

@@hannahmcintosh5343 what she meant being selfish in that example was like she give x3, then expect a return, the benefit for that return is self, therefore selfish, because if you give thinking of what you can get later, thats selfish, your example of selfish is also correct, selfish can be in many things and situations, she is describing one situation.

Thanks a ton for valuable insights

Really liked your video

Had to take notes, some worthy thought here. The Bible verse that says 'don't let the sun go down on your wrath', I think, means calm down, turn to solution seeking. I think #3, make yourself happy, is truly true. Giving and serving make me feel tall.

Golden nugget at 17:30!

@AmadeuShinChan

6 жыл бұрын

SunnyDays I wasnot allowed to leave by the partner (no flight), so tried to JUST go to bed. Next moment i got hit and what choice other than hittiting back (fight) was i left with? now being portrayed as a criminal by that person, smh not allowed to see my daughter.

@DodirAnelaIntuitivnoOtvaranje

4 жыл бұрын

@@AmadeuShinChan you could just walk away from the apartment instead of hitting back, it never ends good for males.. Clearly your ex partner though the old paradigm true

@AmadeuShinChan

4 жыл бұрын

@@DodirAnelaIntuitivnoOtvaranje i could not "just walk away from the apartment" because she blocked the door and the windows. Thanks for the consideration. I am now re-structuring my life. We meet people that mirror us something. In my case it was the playing of the "blame-game". Now i just forgive everyone, no matter how hurtful it may be. That way, i hope to never get into a situation, like the one stated earlier any more. Kudos.

Very good, now is forever. ´´thinking out of the box´´ ´´fight or flight´´ = lizard brain.

How can someone fulfill their own needs for connection intimicy and the need to be heard?

@fluffyfeather39

Жыл бұрын

true thats an important need in my opinion, which only an intimate relationship can quench. not just friends, family etc. and i think thats pretty healthy.

I like the idea of helping students learn how to deal with pain through positive educational experiences, but she doesn't really give any concrete examples for the teachers out there of what that might look like. I think it's a little dangerous to suggest subjecting students to pain without giving any specific parameters. It's a good idea- hope someone fleshes it out somewhere.

I wasnot allowed to leave by the partner (no flight), so tried to JUST go to bed. Next moment i got hit and what choice other than hittiting back (fight) was i left with? now being portrayed as a criminal by that person, smh not allowed to see my daughter.

@moyshekapoyre

4 жыл бұрын

My ex-wife tried to kill me. She went to jail. Then she tried to kill my mom. Guess who the courts gave my son to? (hint: not me)

This can only work if you both have the intellectual capacity to implement it. Many people haven't even got past fulfilling their infantile needs. Why? because those infantile needs were never properly met in the first place, so they are stuck in that mode of still wanting/expecting them to be fulfilled.

Looks like she is the best person to be married to. :)

um...compromise would be finding something you both reasonably enjoy, whereas taking turns is what she calls compromise. Taking turns has worked for one couple i know, whereas compromise often means that neither watch what they would have really liked to.

That was funny - anybody wants to get hurt?😄😁 if yes then my answer is get married because that's what I have learned and experienced.. very practical session but people are not even interested to see this and understand it. And even if it reaches it's too late. It disturbs the human. Best is to stay away single.

This TEDx Talks feels exactly as a class in school by the teacher with new ideas but just slamming them against the old ones.

Asalaam aliakum.. thank you for your video and your advice on marriage. 🥰🥰😘😘😁😁😃😃🥰🥰💋💋💛❤️💛❤️🤍💋🎱🤍💋🎱 By the way the 8 ball is my way of sending you an infinity symbol. Because I love you forever xs infinity and E=Mc2 but Almighty God loves you more than that though!! Have a blessed day Habibi's!! Asalaam ☮️ peace

Wow!

Why does this marriage stuff have to be so hard .... why is it even worth it? When I come home from work, I want work to be OVER!!!!

@Kekekepeeps

3 жыл бұрын

It’ll take work to intenalize the lessons given if you aren’t used to them but once you are sure and confident in yourself and know how to communicate open and honestly it shouldn’t be all to hard. There’ll be hard moments cuz that’s life but not all the times. If you’re in a “struggle relationship” it’s prob toxic.

@sophias9396

3 жыл бұрын

Ones main work is in the family . Work outside of the family is just a job to make money that you can concentrate on the relationships

She makes it feel like I should struggle all the way in a relationship and my partner should do nothing...like it’s all on me. Woman, if I wanted it to be all on me I wouldn’t be in a relationship first of all

@pingchen1102

4 жыл бұрын

Couldn't agree more!I don't see the new models (alternative solutions) she has proposed make any sense.Seems like the secret of marriage relies on one part's selfless sacrifice.her choice of words true contribution.what is difference between this theory and the happy marriage is compromise. in general her talk makes me feel angry ,I was hoping to find a new path when I read her headline of the talk.disappointed.

and I always thought the amygdala was a pair of structures in the prefrontal cortex!

this is great, deeply hope my ex to watch this...

"not compromising" could ruin a marriage, its only my opinion, but I reckonI am right. Mostly down to the man to compromise for an easy life - imo.

Every video on marriage should just say, good luck and it’s kind of a crapshoot

@maryannwuebker1084

4 жыл бұрын

Muse California 😂😂😂😂😂😂👍🏻

what a shame on the comments......great video.....not 2 good of a sound...but great content

the audio is giving me a headache but i have to watch this for school fml

This is a zenith of insight. A book with similar content was a life-altering read. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

Hey that's it ?does she have a book out?

Infant mortality rates dropped the average life expectancy drastically. In other words if you made it past your teens your life expectancy would be between 60 and 70 years, which is close to where it is now at 78 years of age. Marriage had a different lifespan back then because of the lack of rights on the female side of the marriage. Also getting divorced required permission from the husband and often times a priest or pope, depending upon the timeline in which you gather your data.

@ingridknox4170

5 жыл бұрын

Except for the fact that many women died young while giving birth.

Don't compromise .....but then be selfless?

@AmadeuShinChan

6 жыл бұрын

Yuri92001 one cannot evade paradox in man-woman-relationship IMHO.

@Klfo777

5 жыл бұрын

She means don't Sacrifice..compromise is not the same as sacrifice.. Being selfless is something that should be done constantly throughout the relationship.

@ArcasDevlin

4 жыл бұрын

I think she means actually solve a problem rather than just taking turns giving in...

@Wildchile

4 жыл бұрын

It actually is confusing and still makes no sense

I wish I knew you back then

so if i can fulfill all my needs by myself, what's the meaning of finding a spouse other than to reproduce. Especially she says hurt is inevitable in marriage 🙃

People always conflate avrg lifespan with people all dying at that number, noit just wasn't like that

I think Ted talks are meant to be general and not specific therefore to wherever is watching this who feels slighted, I’m sure her approach isn’t a one size fit all but imagine how difficult it is to summarise what you do in a 15min talk. It’s just not possible to do it without cutting some parts out and prioritising what she feels in her professional opinion is what’s important to put forth. For those feeling slighted, maybe try to take this with a grain of salt.

Dear Liza, you should use the fitting term hypothesis, not theory! Hypothesis is something that you are not sure about, therefore you are going to investigate and find arguments that support your thesis.

I disagree with the premise that this is an old model vs. new model. I think successful marriages have always followed these principles. Sure, the "old model" paradigms do exist, but they tend to exist in platitudes passed out by popular culture or possibly people living an unexamined life with an unexamined marriage. New vs. Old? Not buying it. But it is all very good advice and sorely needed.

@peterbutler2437

7 жыл бұрын

Arley Cole Fair enough. Consider it more like a Mythbuster. She has good points.

I feel it is OK to wish to have a different experience....ie.....TV time. Hence pushing oneself or the other to find a program for all limits personal growth. Why can't each person experience what they need then come together often to share what they enjoy sharing. We are on our own soul voyage however we are also tribal.

Oh lord, another person who confuses the mean with the mode. The average life expectancy was about 35 because so many children died - not because adults were dying young! Come on, think!! And I think she's got her definition of compromise a bit wrong.

@Klfo777

5 жыл бұрын

Yeah I think she's mixing up the definition of compromise with sacrifice. Sacrifice adds up and causes resentment. But compromise is finding the best option that will make everyone happy to some extent.

@jonathansturm4163

4 жыл бұрын

@@Klfo777 Works for me and my lovely ex-fiancée :-) We are into our fortieth year together.

Cannot hear the audio of the video

What if your contribution is never enough for your partner?

@keonagirl435

4 жыл бұрын

Right!? Ok. Well then....LEAVE!

@fluffyfeather39

Жыл бұрын

if they arent telling you what they need from you then thats a different story

Still trying to understand what she said.

Some of what she’s saying is gonna lead people to a divorce.

@jonathansturm4163

4 жыл бұрын

Definitely true if they don't pay attention to each others needs. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" as my mother used to say.

@shristijoshi2232

4 жыл бұрын

G g g by cgcg cc Xu cough cgcg

Comprise isn't point scoring with me. It sounds very American. If you was to try a relationship UK/East asia then there is a lot of things you just have to accept it and do certain things as we are virtually worlds apart in cultures. Just accept that you are different. You don't get points or gold stars for anything. Points.... We at not kids. Relax

Mainly marriage should be a guarantee for children to be with their parents ,it's a traumatic feeling for children to be separated and replaced .

She has a few points worth trying to experiment.

She forgets freeze. It's fight flight or freeze

@reinaerdemunt1752

4 жыл бұрын

No not freeze. It is fright ☺

This is why the life expectancy of marriages are different in the modern era.

Why is there no sound?!

over 6 mins into this & guess what, have a listen & apply this to your life or someone u may know, share this after u hear this & hope this might help another, if u think this might help. Does this help? It will help if it gives empathy or compassion. If it helps u understand from a nother point of view... As most Ted Talks, these r designed to help in so many ways. My book will use this quote "Because of copywrite laws, I can't share a "Todd Tells," so I'll create a "Jay's Says Series" ... Do you like this? Am I being selfish or mimicking a "Super-Sain'" (for those Dragonball Z fans). I have want to be a needy guy, I'd rather fall asleep exhausted & awake fresh & alive, no? My amigula will be content & lost due to inaction & so content... a gr8 plan I'd say.

She kind of has a Michael Scott's vibe

HURT is inevitable so prepare it for it through education COMPROMISE stop trying it’s bad for your marriage You get turn taking them when you don’t get it you get angry and resentment find a win win Make each other happy bs a little but insane selfless giving service without anything in return give but don’t receive don’t look to your spouse to fulfill your needs NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY just go to bed dude the lizard don’t care they just want sleep Lizard brain fight or flight might be a good idea to practice some emotional regulation and take flight until your amigdala is not raging! Lol I used to only know frustration and anger bc those were my major neurotransmitters being used daily 2 to change It takes one to change “urself” break the old patterns your it! Like Lizzo said