The videos I make are requested by you the viewer. Please feel free to suggest any mental health related topics you might like me to cover in the future.

@zion367

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for doing this. You are awesome!💜🙏🏽

@brandirobinson8430

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you! I call it the diversion tactic. You tell them their bad behavior is unacceptable, and they get you defending yourself instead of addressing the problem at hand.

@kfarawatson

2 жыл бұрын

How do you stop them ? I can't take anymore. My next door neighbour has recruited half the street and turned them against me.

@brandirobinson8430

2 жыл бұрын

@@kfarawatson keep being you. That's all you can do. Their opinions don't define you. Actions speak louder than words. Eventually all will be revealed (like the song by Led Zeppelin 'Kashmir.') 😉👍 Much love dear one!

@heyits_kate

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for making videos. I'd love to see a video on parents who have bpd/narcissistic tendencies. I think my mom has that and I get the worst side of her. I'm an adult now but it was awful as a child. Any insight or advice would be so appreciated I'm now in the process of healing and it's hard. I am also trying no contact with her and thats hard too.

It's not about boundaries, it's about barricades. They talk to or at you, never with you.

@Columbian.sand.blasted.nostril

2 жыл бұрын

That’s fucking unreal . My world just did a explosion . So true

@jeffverdin6105

2 жыл бұрын

Agree 100%

@karadiberlino

2 жыл бұрын

OMG well said! They never respect boundaries, anyway. Barricades - brilliant! 💎👌🏼

@jacquelinefroehle3583

2 жыл бұрын

The best boundary is blocking them

@Momofukudoodoowindu

2 жыл бұрын

That is a profound observation. I will be using this from here on out.

I put boundaries in place. And it caused the narcissist to have a meltdown and told me they didn’t want me in their life as I wasn’t respecting them.. I think they were trying to manipulate me and expected me to cave. I instead saw it as my opportunity to leave. And it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself.

@ptlovelight2971

Жыл бұрын

Same here. My narc sister was so upset that I put up a boundary that she basically ended our relationship (but of course blamed me for it ending). She literally could not handle being told "No" and not getting what she wanted so she just discarded me

@sadetiriana

Жыл бұрын

Yes. Every time I tried to put up boundaries, I was told how disrespectful I was

@kellywade8275

Жыл бұрын

@@sadetiriana Or disrespected by them...Then time passes and they wanna act all, 'normal.' Or say gaslight phrase, "I apologize for my part" or "I always wanna keep my side of the street clean." Meanwhile, you remained silent when they wilded out and they're mad because you were taken aback and didn't engage.

@LowenKM

Жыл бұрын

If you can't avoid 'em totally, have ultimately found that going 'gray rock' is the only thing that 'works'.

@MsK-xm7vw

Жыл бұрын

I wish.

If your in a situation where you can't leave such as I am, the best advice I ever got from a Dr was stop CARING!!! Stop caring how he/she feels about you, whether or not they love you, appreciate your thoughts, how you view things, etc. When I stopped caring, it was the most impowering thing I EVER did for myself. Then, I started learning tactics on how to deal with their awful, childish behavior. One thing I did was when he started yelling at me, I put my finger up and said "Stop yelling at me, talk to me" and I said it repeatedly until he stopped talking completely. I stood up for myself and refused to back down. Most of the time, I don't ask him, bc I get the sulking "I guess" response, LOL!!! So now I just tell him in a nice way "This trash is full, it needs to go out". Or I'll use flattery to get something such as "your stronger than me, can you take this trash out its to heavy to pick up". Such a ridiculous way to live but for the most part these ideas work. The other thing is walk away, its called "gray rock". Meaning become silent as the grave and walk away. Stop engaging him. Darren is right, I quit explaining myself. These are my thoughts, take em or leave em! I don't care if you like it or not. His opinion of me no longer matters. I don't care how he feels about me, I just stopped caring, that was impowering!!!

@lorraineclark-sako6749

2 жыл бұрын

So sad to live this way. I did this for a few years at the end not realizing there was a such thing as a covert narcissist. I finally had to leave. My soul felt empty, broken. I hope you get out. You deserve to live life fully.

@pamelawillow1526

2 жыл бұрын

They always say they love you but thrive on seeing you hurt

@conniepothas9760

2 жыл бұрын

im battling to get the not caring down

@Jaya-unlimited847

2 жыл бұрын

@@conniepothas9760 I get you. I used to feel the exact same way. The "fear" of the unknown, of the consequences of standing up for myself, of putting the foul narcissist in their place would always stop me. But when I realized that a person who would be so uncaring and cruel towards me without any regard for my emotions wasn't' "worth" caring for and didn't "deserve" any special consideration from my end, I broke that hold. Now I only go the extra mile for ppl. who have earned it through genuine kindness and not those who just demand it and think they deserve it. I pray you find the strength to do the same. It's truly liberating.

@rolandthethompsongunner64

2 жыл бұрын

A narcissist will feed on an empathetic individual like a vampire. Or, try to make them feel like they have no feelings as in sympathy for them. It’s terrifying when you actually do become aware these people exists because how many more are out there ?

I've watched this video more than ten times, because it's so hard to realise that we have been waiting for validation in our entire life and we were consistently neglected and depreciated. It's so painfull to realise that you are sorounded by people that envy you and tret you like an object

@MsK-xm7vw

Жыл бұрын

Distain! They treat us with complete distain. First my mother, then my youngest son who now has me financially trapped. I’m a disabled senior. I don’t expect happiness in my final years, but a break from this never-ending toxic offensive will be a blessing come my time. 😢

@kathiarledge9275

10 ай бұрын

Once I left home I was never good enough. Support and encouragement no longer existed.

I learned an acronym in my 12 Step Al-Anon program: JADE. I don’t ever have to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (to a narcissist). It’s saved me a lot of pain and confusion, and I recommend it to my sponsees who have narcissists in their families.

@NN-re7cy

2 жыл бұрын

Oh I love that! I am making a note of it, that's so useful. Thanks for sharing. 💖

@HoneyBadger80886

Жыл бұрын

#JADE ...ty. Justify, argue, defend or explain. No more. I'm fond of FOG Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

It’s extremely difficult to be safe in these relationships, the first thing they do is get control of your life and resources so you don’t have viable options.

1. Stop hoping for validation 2. Stop excusing them 3. Stop hoping they'll change 4. Stop explaining yourself

@devglover4198

2 ай бұрын

This absolutely sums it up. Amen!!

You have described EXACTLY the experience I have with my husband. We've been separated twice. This last one has lasted 3 1/2 yrs now and I recently came to the realization that he has no intention to do what I told him he needs to do in order for me to even consider trying to put this relationship back together. He's been stringing me along for years and I've allowed it. I finally told him 4 weeks ago I'm done. We need to and this craziness. He asked for a deadline. I was confused and I asked him a deadline for what? He said a deadline as to whether or not I'm going to do that work or not. I looked at him and said "oh, you've misunderstood. Deadlines are passed. The deadline was yesterday. I'm done. It's time to end what's going on here."

I like the tea and coffee example. At the hight of abuse, I felt like a liar when I even deviated just slightly from anything I've ever said, which makes it literally impossible to ever feel comfortable and not like a liar. The narcissists memory of such things is enormous, but it also tells you that they have no other life than destroying other people's lifes which is just pathetic.

@DarrenFMagee

2 жыл бұрын

And their own ‘toxic amnesia’ is never to be focused on at all

@beadingbelle3486

2 жыл бұрын

My husband's mother died 2yrs ago but i'm still angry at what she did & what she was allowed to do by her weak enabler husband & her defending other son, the golden child. When i met her i knew there was something very wrong about her & with her whole family - she spoke with a voice like a baby, wanted to keep her sons as babies, even bathing & sleeping with her golden son when he was well into his teens, made up illnesses for him, & ruled everyone with an iron rod. Everyone was afraid of her, except me - to my mind she was just a big fat bag of hot air & water (i've kept to politeness here). I wasn't allowed to speak up, defend myself or cross her in any way. I was only 17 & she could make me eat cake. Even at that young age i used to say you can't tell where she ends ,& her other son begins & you have to even think like her or you're not part of the family. In the end she would completely ignore me - if i was in the room she wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. If i spoke she wouldn't answer me but would apeak to either of her sons or husband & not even look at me. She poisoned her whole family against me. It took me 38yrs to get my husband to see her for what she really was, thank goodness he did see in the end but it's been a hellish journey & i've ended up with ME, fibromyalgia, & my nervous system is shot to pieces. I didn't realise i was marrying out of one dysfunctional family & into another, but i already knew about control as my father was a physically & verbally very violent control freak who wouldnstop at nothing to get his own way. She, however, was more insidious - i used to say she's like that gas that you can't see, hear, touch, taste or smell that infiltrates your home & eventually your own body that can slowly & effectively kill you from the inside. Accepting there's no way & nothing that can be done to make her (or her flying monkeys) see reason or change is hard. The only way is to go completely no contact & leave them all to their evil selves - in my opinion they all deserve each other.

@Peanuts76

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah, we just like walking on eggshells on everything, cause Narcissist are pretty damn good at memorizing people flaws and mistakes, this is what happen to me and my mother and my sister, they were so good at noticing bad things and flaws, pretty much exhausting actually....

@charliesangle5032

2 жыл бұрын

i feel your pain, literally weeks out of a relationship with similiar circumstance.. good luck in your life from now on buddy

@martasanvil2842

2 жыл бұрын

@@beadingbelle3486 Its happening to me right now, reading you I have hope to my husband being able to see it as soon as possible. He has seen about his ex-wife, who did emotional abuse. When I met him he was sick, lonely and abandoned with no boundaries at all for the two kids. Today my step-daughter is blaming me of everything because I'm cleaning all this dysfunctional shit. When they had seen him happy again, and I had set boundaries, they are fighting so hard against me, doing the pity play, and of course trying to ignore me. I really like the way is explained in those videos, is in the DSM5 too, and makes me feel that I'm doing great with our therapy. The son, 30 years old, brought us Covid and never even apologized, when his father was in risk and there was no vaccinations yet, and the daughter, 27 years old is asking him for us to get divorced... Jijijijij... So entitled to ask, when literally my husband said that he cannot lose me. Last thing that I would like to say is that is funny how karma works in them... They end being so stupid and get in trouble by themselves so easily.

After a lifelong tolerance to my sister’s awful behavior, I have finally had what I call a duh monent, “why am I putting up with this?”

@rooismum1023

2 жыл бұрын

Stay strong💕

@JNYC212

2 жыл бұрын

Same 🙌🏽

@Datb2

Жыл бұрын

Yup clicked the same way for me too. Like wait I don’t even like you enough for you to be berating me like that! BYE N BLOCKED

I managed my boundaries with my parents by cutting them off completely. It was literally the only way. Luckily I didn't realise their narcissism until I had long moved out and became completely independent, so it was a simple matter of blocking and deleting them. Yes I second guess myself sometimes but nowhere near as often and the guilt of cutting them off is subsiding into indifference. In even coaching a sibling into raising boundaries and cutting them off now that she has seen the light and realised she's in a tar pit of dysfunction. I've never felt as good as I do now thanks to removing my family from my life. Only those that recognise the narcissism and are willing to cut them off are welcome into my circle, I won't entertain agents and flying monkeys and enablers, only healthy people, and it is absolutely essential I do that so I may be free to be a good parent to my children.

Like other criminals, they only respect one thing: You showing them that they shouldn't mess with you or they'll get in trouble.

The number one key to boundaries is that they come from within with your own actions. You aren't asking for permission or trying to verbally express your boundaries to other people. You are setting your boundaries for what YOU will do to treat yourself better. Maybe it's walking away, spending less time with that person, going no contact completely. You stop chasing their understanding and you stop caring about ever getting it. And then you shut them out with your same internal boundaries when they try to hoover you back in.

The most interesting aspect I have seen is, the covert narcissist in my life has stated that they cannot remember what awful behavior they did, but in the same breath, bring up things from many months, years, ago with pinpoint accuracy. I call it their convenient ailment.

The zero sum world of the narcissist: validating others means invalidating one self.

Here's a suggestion, stay 5,000 miles away from them!

This is excellent!!!! Having been gaslit for the first 18 years of my life and to this very day, I have lost all desire to share anything with them. I am thankful God has given me confidence and pleasure in just knowing I enjoy the projects and work I do. I have no need for anyone to validate me when Christ lives in me and He validates my decisions as He guides me.

@emilykirkman8468

2 жыл бұрын

Amazing, love this!!

@diamondsglitter2771

2 жыл бұрын

Praise the Lord! Blessings on your journey healing and happiness.

@waythetruth

2 жыл бұрын

Amen 🙏 and that's what I need to validation as christ died for me and saved me and kept me in his hand ..God bless you and give you strength

@conniepothas9760

2 жыл бұрын

thank you, i needed to hear this today.

@RR-gi9vo

2 жыл бұрын

I found, my husband hates that I've found God amd he is constantly wanting me to move into sin actions, which is devastating.

The terminator analogy made a lot of sense to me--to see them as machines fulfilling a program without deviation. Trying to see them as humans capable of positive change has kept me stuck, either blaming myself or feeling like a failure when kindness and understanding do not enact change. It simply doesn't work. Your videos are immensely helpful to me, and others. Thank you.

@gillianholt9636

2 жыл бұрын

Me too. I tried with understanding and kindness, but the cycle continued with no explanation or apology for their disgusting behaviour. I cannot believe people can be so cruel and entitled when they are such hypocrites. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I'm very forgiving but they pushed me too far and now I watch them playing the victim at work

@HoneyBadger80886

Жыл бұрын

Immensely

This reminded me of something I have forgotten over the last couple years: that I can’t and shouldn’t go to my mom for validation. Or even just human understanding. I have been extraordinarily busy and stressed the last couple of weeks and I made a comment that I haven’t been able to do something she wanted because I’ve barely had a moment of peace. Her response was to look at me for a moment and say, “you’re not a victim.”

"It's not their fault, it's their illness". Very true, they weaponize mental health conditions as their own narcissistic shield. Another excellent video, Darren.

@bicho.cosmico

2 жыл бұрын

Oh my god, it's so true! And they never do their health treataments properly so they can always play the poor victim role

@Portia620

2 жыл бұрын

Let’s be careful how we look at that because many people that come out of abusive relationships end up with complex post traumatic stress disorder and my daughter‘s telling me I’m playing the victim and what’s happening as she’s a strange in your self from me and blaming me now for everything. I take responsibility for specific things but I don’t take responsibility for not one shrink telling me I was an abusive marriage along my parents were abusing me and he worked for my parents and they’re still friends my ex and my dad and even my own attorney was backed into a corner by my dad telling me I should drop charges with my ex-husband my husband at the time was threatening my life this was during our divorce the judge was checked him out but we were going to the trial. It was a mess and I’ll tell you what I’m so happy I’m at peace I’m upset that my daughters estranged from me but awls I can do is pray that one day she wakes up if not she has a miserable road ahead.

@heyitsbrandon733

Жыл бұрын

i don’t believe that’s an excuse. if you can acknowledge your illness effects others, you can do the inner work to better yourself.

@craigspirit1431

Жыл бұрын

That may be true - BUT its NOT your problem - their illness is for them to figure out.

@tammyfitzgerald5336

Жыл бұрын

Why we need mental hospitals back and children s home wow where are all the smart doctors we closed them 1980 a 😮😮😮😢😢😢😢😢😢

"It's not their fault you didn't reply to their messages as quickly as possible. It's not their fault you're so sensitive. It's not their fault you can't take a joke. It's not their fault, they were drunk, or high at the time. It's not their fault you make them so angry. It's not their fault you aren't good enough. It's not their fault they can't change, you keep pushing them..." And on.. And on... and on.. Nothing is ever their fault unless you go no contact. Then suddenly, the fog will clear! "They have seen the error of their ways! You're so amazing and perfect and sweet, you didn't deserve what they did. How could they do that to you! That's not who they are, but maybe they just needed a little time apart to realize how special and important you really are. Forgive them and they'll prove it. Don't think about the past. Delete all those mean texts and emails, that won't do anything but make you think badly of them, and make it harder to move forward free and clear." All you need to do is come back and talk things over. They'll even send you gifts and money "just because"! And please don't think they're only doing it to win back your trust, they're just doing it because they like to see you happy. And really, all YOU have to do is admit you were wrong, too.. and move on with a cleeeeean slate. Because let's be honest, worst case scenario, you're just as much to blame as they are, because you know they hate it when you, "fill in the blank". Returning and forgiving only confirms to them that you are a good supply for them. Easy to manipulate and easy to control. Why would they need to control themselves, when controlling you is so much more satisfying. 😔

Thank you for these videos. I have several relatives who fit the narcissistic profile. The one quality they all seem to have in common is their relentlessness. Whatever they're doing or saying, they will steamroll you with it for years, even decades, until you are completely flattened.

Narcisists behave like evil monsters. Plain and simple. Thank you Darren.

Being around them is not worth the effort.

It's ironic, the best way to win is not fighting - when it comes to dealing with narcissistic people

@threethrushes

9 ай бұрын

"Strange game. The only winning move is not to play."

This man has changed my life in 15 minutes... I genuinely feel so guilty for watching this video and seeking help .... I've got a route away from my toxic relationship with my brother and I can't wait to leave... This has been life changing information and advice I thought I was in the wrong... I'm crying so much I needed this

Excellent information! I has to go no contact with my entire narcissistic family. I finally realized that the cycle of abuse would never end.

@emilykirkman8468

2 жыл бұрын

That’s so sad 😞!! I hope you find peace and healing ❤️‍🩹

@justanamerican3007

2 жыл бұрын

Me too…..it’s my mom in this case. She is now taking me to court. I have been really struggling with cutting her off ast year until the last 2 months. I started talking to a counselor……then this depp trial really led me down the hole of mental health issues in others instead of assuming it’s me. Finally, this week……I am finally starting to feel free and healthy. My counselor told me he saw no errors in my logic as I talked through my feelings and decisions I made. For the first time in 50+ years I finally realize….I am not the problem…..and I am much closer to healthy than I ever thought possible!

@eyespy0070

2 жыл бұрын

Yes I'm there at age 65. Can't take it anymore. Ruined my life.

@eyespy0070

2 жыл бұрын

It really doesn't. Terribly sad.

@eyespy0070

2 жыл бұрын

Anyone else have PTSD?

Unless my narcissistic sister needs something, money, admiration, or sympathy, she is nowhere to be found.

Narcissist rules of engagement: 1. My perspective is the only important perspective. 2. I make the rules, and they only apply to you, not me. 3. Rules are subject to change by me at any time, without prior notice. 4. I’m never wrong, and if I seem wrong, it’s your fault. 5. What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine. This includes but is not limited to: your possessions, your money, your time, your health, and your mental stability. After accepting these terms, having them snuck into your life disguised with love-bombs, how do you create safe boundaries in situations where it’s impossible to discard the situation entirely?

@eyespy0070

2 жыл бұрын

Get out.

@camellia8625

2 жыл бұрын

So true your narcissist rules of engagement! In response to your question IMHO have your own boundaries and be prepared to accept the fall out. Make a plan over the longer term to increasingly disengage with them and ideally get out.

@almondmilksoda

2 жыл бұрын

RUN.

@eyespy0070

2 жыл бұрын

Add to that all kinds of promises which mean absolutely NOTHING!

When the interrogation starts from the covert narcissist I like to use the broken record approach; i.e. “i have no answers anymore; only the life I’ve lived.” Repeat ad nauseam. It’s fun to hear them try to work SO hard rephrasing questions when you know their game. It’s a small victory until you can go no-contact.

@emilykirkman8468

2 жыл бұрын

Great idea 💡

Asserting yourself is very difficult, because narcissists are black belts in embarrassing someone. If you pushback against someone like this, they will immediately know how to make you feel bad about yourself. Also, I often try to obtain validation from them.

@tajassasnaar2816

2 жыл бұрын

They are crazy, but they dont feel it. Just ignore them.

You're one of the best out there, Darren, with regard to all things Narcissism/Cluster B's. Thorough, concise and comprehensive especially for folks awakening to this insidious personality type. Thank you and cheers from Canada.

@Portia620

2 жыл бұрын

I concur!!! ❤️❤️

@pinkpaisley4520

Жыл бұрын

Me too!

Validating, I've been searching for this simple word for so long to tell others about how to recognize a covert narc but i could only use real stories. The fact that these jerks desparately need everyone's validation for every small detail of their life but can't validate another person for a second is such a huge view into who and what they are. When you listen to them you are suppose to agree with every word said but if you speak its like they are wonder woman with an invisible shield that blocks every word. VALIDATION

Imagine, spending your life continually walking on egg shells! In the end, it always falls apart anyway. One's co-dependency and dealing with that should be the issue to consider.

My experience has shown me that they will not change regardless of how much time has elapsed.

The one thing I've noticed with all narcissists I've come across (including parents) is that they will assume or make things up when they don't know the truth. Even if you or someone with correct information comes along, they've already decided they prefer their own version, and it's too late anyway, they've already told everyone else the made up version as well. This is a common denominator with every narcissist I've ever known. You can't really think in terms of boundaries with such a person who just seems to have no concept at all of a boundary. The only way really is minimal (or no) contact. Oh, and expect the lies to then escalate. The first time I went no contact around 15 years ago, my mother had tried to report me as a missing person, and told everyone I must be in trouble etc. Truth was I was fine(enjoying the peace and quiet really) and she could have found this out easily if she wanted to. I knew then as I know now she wished harm on me, for the drama and attention it would give her.

I try to follow Dr Ramani’s “deep” strategy, don’t defend, explain, engage, personalise. It’s a bit challenging to do when you’re married to one but it sure does work 👍

"Stop explaining yourself...the more you explain yourself the more you give them the sense of control."...true...and plus, i often think that the Narcissists usually have hearing problem ..let alone understanding or listening for even hearing is not in their dictionary ....and this is because the only thing they are capable of hearing is... their own voice! They usually have a thick and high wall namely "me and I".....other people are just small insignificant planets orbiting around their ego.

My mouth dropped open when you mentioned someone saying something the narcissist then repeats it as their own idea. wOW my narcissistic husband is so text book

Thank you, sir, for your work. You have been so helpful to me that I cannot even express it. All this time I wish someone had given me a user manual of sorts and here you are reading one to me aloud. The puzzle pieces are falling together and I'm seeing the picture for the first time in 52 years.

100% describes where I am after being totally destroyed over time by my narcissistic mother & flying monkey brother. This video really helps, but understanding & acceptance are 2 different things & accepting this is my mum & brother is too huge to deal with at the moment.

@coqui8164

2 жыл бұрын

It takes time to accept the truth. Don’t beat yourself up. I’ve gone through what you’re experiencing

@DartmoorPaul

2 жыл бұрын

@@coqui8164 that is heartening to read. Thank You for your reply❤️🙂🙏

@eyespy0070

2 жыл бұрын

Me too but I have 2 flying monkey brothers and their wives and kids. It's an army.

I've watched and read a lot about narcissists and you have by far and away the clearest descriptions of them. I had to figure out on my own not to expect any validation from them, NEVER heard that anywhere else! Thanks!

@francesinnes7438

2 жыл бұрын

Please Darren, could you explain Cyclothymia. I had never heard of Cyclothymia, now have a close family member who has this diagnosis whose personality is now like someone deeply narcissistic then changes to be seemingly personable, then changes back to seeming to dislike and see badness in many, like the world is a place in which everyone is being over ruled to our detriment by persons in power. Like we do not have any autonomy over own lives. In a 'good' cycle all seems fairly normal and pleasant then there comes the narcissistic streak comes back then its back again to 'normal'. Thank you Darren, I particularly liked your advice to "throw the question back" but I am afraid in this case it would lead to unplesantness by the listener.

@DarrenFMagee

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your topic suggestion

Brilliant, concise and insightful. I've always struggled with understanding and enforcing boundaries. I liked the 'Let them do the work', ask a question about their question...Looking forward to Part 2 👌

When you share a house with a narc and they know you don't accept them getting drunk in the house or coming home so drunk they break lamps and knock things over and smoke grass, when they know you don't accept the behaviour and they know they're breaking boundaries doing it, what do you do ? When you can't leave cos there's nowhere to go..... I wonder what you would do in this situation.Your Boundaries are just a fun game to break when your a narc. They enjoy watching you squirm.and be upset when they go ahead and break them. Alcoholic narcs are impossible

@diamondsglitter2771

2 жыл бұрын

Lock the doors and turn on the sprinklers..

@oliviavaldez6574

2 жыл бұрын

Record this activity. Start secretly creating an escape plan. Save money and put important docs together. You may have to run the day the Narc loses control and you could get hurt.

@mssmgirl1

2 жыл бұрын

I hear you! Please realize you are in danger. Feeling you do not have alternatives is part of being manipulated, be aware of that. Seek help and plan to leave, unfortunately the person you are living with will not change, plus they will always use the excuse of not knowing what they where doing because they were intoxicated. Be aware this person has made you codependent to make sure you do not leave. YOU AND YOUR SAFETY FIRST! Blessings

@kathleenbaker2654

10 ай бұрын

Contact a domestic violence shelter. It's terrifying to leave, but it is the only way out. Be strong.

I finally ended a long term relationship after wanting to so many times. In the last year being with this person I did some research and found out they are a covert narcissist. It's been almost 2 months and I've deleted and blocked them but they keep finding ways to try to get me to break and answer then as I always did out of guilt. He never cared for my boundaries nor my desperation to find myself and heal my suicidal thoughts. At first these nonstop calls drained me and got my nervous system to go insane. I got to remind myself to observe, not absorb. To not react one bit . I will no longer break. Thank you for your work.

@juliecurtis7755

2 жыл бұрын

Keep strong It gets easier, 🌈

@claudiacardinelli1867

2 жыл бұрын

Observe not absorb. Good

@psingleton68

2 жыл бұрын

Trust the information on this channel and always remember how safe and happy you felt when he wasn’t around. Hold onto that!

@theshelbypalace

2 жыл бұрын

Stay strong!! Wishing you the best 🥰

@loisducharme3714

2 жыл бұрын

It’s good to hear the you can recover from a relationship like this gives me hope

For many years I allowed other people abuse me. My step daughter humiliated me with the consent of my husband. Finally I decided to stand up for myself. And I went through tough fights. Felt like the whole world was against me. Unfortunately, in every culture the step mother is the evil one. Now when I declared that I am a human being and no one is welcome to abuse me, I saw some backing down from the narcissist step daughter. It took me 4 years of fearless exhausting fights to protect not only my boundaries but also personality. Stand up for yourself, and never cease watching your territory. The enemy is like a roaring lion crouching behind you. They will set up traps and other failures to destroy you just for fun. Be cautious.

@meanimeconingles

10 ай бұрын

I'm glad you're safe now. 😊

I’m having problems with a co worker. I have found I have had to go to management with my problems who have been supportive. This has been a great relief to me. I thought if I sought help I may loose my job. To my surprise I realised I’m a valued member of the team and I feel so much better . I have not risen to any of the toxic co workers tactics. I have stayed silent. Not retaliate. Not given any fuel to their fire. Instead I have gained more in-site to the u acceptable behaviour and I am using grey rock method in my day to day encounters with this person. I find it hard in a day to day basis to keep level headed but I think before I engage. And engage as little as possible. The change has confused this toxic person as they cannot at the moment anyways find a way to upset or control me any longer. I enjoy my work and I do not want to leave so unfortunately I have to assert every day but with good information found in Darren’s upload I feel sure I’m a stronger person to understand these tactics. Thank you

10.22 - spoke directly to my heart. I keep second guessing myself if I should just for one last time explain why I feel the way I feel with my friend. She is a classic covert and after years of neglecting my instinct, I had suffered enough! Went no contact a month ago and boy! The freedom is truly liberating. However, I hated to not give her or anyone another chance. But this time, I am going to stop explaining myself. Period. Thanks doc

I walked away at age 18. When I think about it now, as a child I was instinctively going 'grey rock' every single day. Look up 'grey rock' if you have not done so.

Wow, this is amazing. I am in a horrible relationship with a narcissistic man. He is 40 years older than I am and a professional at this. He has destroyed many women with his mental games, his own adult children avoid him and he lied to me about their relationships and made the kids at fault. Now I'm the one making his life miserable. I feel so crazy sometimes but I have friends and family that keep trying to tell me I'm not the problem and I need to leave.

@MFTisaST1

2 жыл бұрын

LEAVE NOW while you can. It will NEVER get better because it is all about them. It will NEVER be about you.

@JK-em4ok

2 жыл бұрын

Yikes 40 years older. You probably don’t have that much in common. I too like older men. 27 years is the largest gap I’ve been in. Do you ever wonder why you are with him? There are 8 billion people on this planet, 25% are probably children, half of them are the opposite sex, a bunch of them are elderly (yours? Lol) still there are probably at least 1,000,000 suiters for you. You got this Girl. Free yourself!! Love from Denver!!

@Qyeenz

2 жыл бұрын

It’s what you deserve for dating someone thar old

@ms.chelseadivine1568

2 жыл бұрын

He is a covert pedophile preying on your innocence. I would never be with someone even 8 years younger than me. That is horrifying. I'm so sorry honey. I went through the ringer with these types of relationships myself. You might want to look up "grooming." Once I learned what that was, I realized I surrounded myself with pedophiles for years starting in my teens. It may seem harsh and like a stretch to call them that, but it is NOT normal to want to be with someone way younger than you. Once you get older you can see how easy it is to be manipulated when you're young.

@conniepothas9760

2 жыл бұрын

leave while you can.

It really bothers me that someone keeps telling me to manage boundaries when I have a person who isn’t even in my life stalking me. It’s frightening because so many people knew and would not tell me.

Really Excellent!! I have 2 sisters who are real narcissists. I am barely on speaking terms with one and the other one, I haven't spoken to her in 3 years. Very difficult dealing with family narcissists..... I think the most important things I learned.... Strong Personal Boundaries and stop looking for validation!!!!

My mother to a T. Emotional blackmail is exactly it. Constant up and down and when she can't get to me because I've cut her out of my life she goes after my kids trying to tell them how wonderful I am and she doesn't understand why I'm not in her life anymore it's all just smoke and mirrors in the crazy circus of a narcissist

Depending on the situation, my one word answer most times is, "okay" and keep going.

@Darren F Magee I have found the question asking to be very helpful as well. My favorite question to ridiculous assumptions/accusations is to ask them, "How did you arrive at that conclusion?" For example, a narcissist states in conversation, "...because I know you don't particularly like black people." (Baiting) Instead of reacting in anger or defending myself ("I DO NOT dislike black people!") I calmly ask that question and they end up looking stupid when they have nothing to support their outlandish claim or make a lame attempt to manufacture something that I can easily smack down.

Narcissist= someone who has never been punched in the face so hard they went unconscious. Everyone understands pain.

I'm so glad I discovered your channel. Your knowledge is outstanding. All those times I thought I was crazy...didn't know I was being drained by a wicked narcissistic friend until I stood up for myself once and for all. Now I have the knowledge to prevent such toxic connections from ever repeating itself again.

Could you do a video on the fine line between normal and narcissistic behaviour? Lots of people have some narcissistic traits, but don't have NPD. How can you tell when they're too far over the line and can't be reasoned with/changed?

@DarrenFMagee

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for your suggestion. In the meantime if it helps, I made videos on the dark triad and narcissistic personality disorder if they help explain differences

@jordanferguson2254

Жыл бұрын

Honestly, it doesn't matter. Don't get caught up with labels, as long as people are stepping out of line, or as soon as you realise a person is being disingenuous, manipulative, uncaring, dishonest etc, is the moment you stop engaging (you'll also stop enabling their behaviour by doing this, it's not to blame you, but these people thrive off of having the chance to be the way they are). It's not difficult to be good. People who struggle in this regard aren't people you really want around, narc or not. Ask yourself how difficult it is for you to imagine doing the things you don't like to other people, and you'll realise narc or not, bad people in general are simply disturbing! So, doesn't matter if a person is a narc or not, as long as they're being questionable, they or you can leave. If you're at work, minimise communication or find a better working environment by quitting- that's what I did. It will do your life and peace of mind wonders to have high standards for your environment 🧙

@lynzannabel6990

Жыл бұрын

@@jordanferguson2254 Great comment. 👍🏾

@jordanferguson2254

Жыл бұрын

@@lynzannabel6990 Thank you 🍀

@goodnewsgrace

5 ай бұрын

Probably the simplest and clearest way is when you express some disagreement with them, as in when you present a view that happens to be different from theirs. If they ignore you, red flag (but you could give benefit of the doubt). If it comes up again, and they respond by getting personal, saying "are you ok?" etc, even though all you did was ask a question or express a different view than them, you should know then you are dealing with something toxic - because healthy people listen and deal with the actual topic rather than 'get personal' - which is especially not appropriate if it's a work colleague etc who has no business making something personal. In work situations though, such people especially if they are old enough, tend to be 'clever' about being a bully, and they do it more gradually whereas the younger more inexperienced will tend to be more obvious/overt. Basically, you will start to know by your feelings, but it's not easy because on the outside these people can seem very confident and 'together'(more than the average person) - the reason for this being these people experience no self-doubt, they come across very sure of themselves.

A sister like that wreaked havoc in my life for as long as I can remember. Going ‘no contact’ 14 years ago made my life peaceful overnight. It came at a big cost with the loss of half my extended family but it was worth it. I wouldn’t trade my peace and freedom for anything 😁🌸☕️. Listening to your videos takes me back to that time and I just nod my head to every point. I love the way you explain it so simply. Love your channel 🌸🌸🌸

OK I FOUND THEM. WATCHING NOW🖤

I recognize so many different people in my life in this aspect. It's tough getting them to let go but after they destroyed my relationship even with my own children it's ok. Everyone makes their own choices and believes what they want even if the evidence does not back it up. But life is good. Enjoy, even if it has to be alone. Thank you.

Narcissists don’t respect boundaries of any kind. At least that’s been my experience.

Oh, how I manage the boundaries with them? Two word responses that often end with “off”. I’m sorry, but it’s necessary with some people. It’s the only thing that will stop them in their tracks. I mean, why the need to continue to be polite with someone who’s determined to destroy you?

Thank you, Darren F Magee for breaking down this hot mess.

They feed of drama 🎭 . Stop expecting validation.

I use to be tougher if they insist on something I don't want, I raise the voice and say: *_"you heard what I said! Don't insist!"_* The only thing they understand is firmness and distance.

“They know exactly what they’re doing”

What really stood out for me in this video....'The more you try to reason, the more you look for change and the more you lose a sense of your self'. Yes I have lived this, I feel foolish now for trying so hard, but my Christian beliefs held me there, and he used that to his advantage, used Scripture to manipulate even, shining as such a helpful and charismatic man while I gradually fell apart. By the time I left I felt that if I didn't go now I would lose me, lose my mind and never find it again. I can only describe it as feeling like my mind was something tangible and outside of myself and it was moving further and further away. And if I didn't act it would be out my reach. This was 5 years ago and I still have triggers, these videos are helping me on the next leg of healing. But it's also resurrected as I am watching my 10 year old daughter, who currently still has contact, going through the same thing. He is remarried and the atmosphere there is toxic, they gaslight her and she is showing the confusion and torment that i went through. I feel helpless....if I educate her about it I will be accused of brainwashing. If I instigate no contact (even though ultimately I feel this is the optimum outcome), she may blame and hate me later. And so I watch and wait, ready when she's ready. Her eyes are being opened, she is intuitive and an excellent communicator. She has already expressed that the dad she wants is a fantasy. She knows. God saved me out of it, and I pray He will do the same for her, and hopefully before it is such a long journey back 🙏

@ApacheMagic

2 жыл бұрын

Who cares if he accuses you of brainwashing. His opinion of you doesn’t deserve any weight because it’s always going to be something bad. She’s more important, surely.

This is spot on. My sister use to do all of these things to me and my husband couldn’t understand why I let her treat me the way that she did. After much revelation of what she was doing to me, I put my foot down and refused to play her games anymore. She definitely tried to change her tactics and I stood my ground. It set me free. I can now stand up to her and shut down her bullying

They like to break down and erode boundaries. They don't like the word NO. But it's the strongest word you will learn to use. There is no respect, lack of awareness and self reflection, and impulse control, emotional regulation, and entitlement is in the extreme.

Thank you for your willingness to share your knowledge.

I appreciate your videos. I’ve watched several and they have been helping in my work on ending a relationship that should have ended a long time ago. This time, I am sticking to no contact. The vindictive this time has been escalated to him publicizing on a social page created in a fake name about me. I chose not to respond and contact the social media site to make them aware. I have changed my phone number and contacted the police when he showed up and would not leave my property & an order has been secured. He has still emailed and mailed things… it’s still a work in progress. Everyday, in every way I’m beginning to feel better about me. I’ll continue watching your videos; they are helping me understand to keep going and allow zero connection.

@diamondsglitter2771

2 жыл бұрын

God's speed. Stay safe and free. You got this..

I recently heard that Queen Elizabeth followed a rule of 'never complain ; never explain'. Sounds like a good idea with narcissists.

I LOVE the Terminator analogy! Such a succinct and helpful way of describing the pathology, of explaining the futility of trying change their behavior.

The best solution is to run run and keep running and never look back! Well that’s just my experience

I wish I had known this when I was growing up. I knew my mom was crazy and I didn't know how to deal with her. She died and I am free.

BE STRONG ENOUGH TO BE KIND

When I had enough of the boundaries being crossed and said something. The Narcisis ( who is a family member, and I would never choose them as a friend). Said to me " you've gone horrible". I translated that as .. Oh what's happening I can't get my own way. I need to make her feel awful so she gets back to how I like.

After a 30 marriage to a narc and being raised(well, if you can call it that) by a narc mother, along with 2 narc siblings, I wasted so much of my life' managing' them because I was afraid of them. If I'd known then what I know now, I would have run a lot sooner. No contact is the only way imo.

Omg I can’t stand when my ex would act like he didn’t say something or do something, I found out he was cheating thru some messages, o gave him the phone and left the room crying I came back and he deleted them and lied about them for 10 minutes straight like they were never there and that’s just one of many examples

You look like one of my best foreign friends who is English teacher but work in my city , we were very comfortably to hangout with .

Sadly, my mother is a psychiatric patient, she attacked me physically. Her toxic emotional manipulation/offenses. A whole life of abuse. i felt suicidal. Its time to move on

No contact works. Protection order against my parents stopped their abuse

Your videos are some of the best videos that I have seen about narcissism. You’re straight foreword to what both parties are doing wrong when interacting. Also you say things to the person dealing with a narcissist that they don’t want to hear, but absolutely need to. 👏🏼 valuable content

Honestly - I tend to tell them to f-off and i walk away.... If i cant then i find their weakness and grind at it and call them out on their behaviour as often as possible.... They soon either behave properly or leave. Narcissistic people get away with it because they are allowed to get away with it - jump on the hard and fast and they tend to sort themselves out.

They can't control their need to control.

Nothing you give a narcissist will be reciprocated. That is bottom-line truth.

This was what made me ashamed of how I gave in. Drinking to cope

Thank you so much for your insight. It’s very validating!

In my case I don’t feel I’m dealing with a narcissist, but rather someone who has watched and absorbed/adopted many manipulative habits. Thankfully not a malignant narcissist who wants to annihilate me and hijack my social sphere. But I came here to comment on the tactics I encountered most often during my long-term relationship with this person: passive aggression, invalidation and gaslighting. Now that I’m “calling them out” by laying down a clear boundary and firmly holding it in place, I’m getting: passive aggression through silent treatment, peppered with demands for justification (“explain yourself! You liar! You’re acting like a crazy person!”) and guilt-tripping. Still gas-lighting. And threats to expose me and my arrogance and the error of my ways… how I’ve treated this person so horribly… actually now that I think of it, I AM being threatened with the un-doing of my social sphere 🤔

Have learned to turn my back and walk away . There were so many of them around me but I made it . Thank God , it was not easy because we are too kind at heart . Yes , stay strong !

Of all the explanations online of narcissist behavior, this is the most accurate.

This was a good representation of their crazy making, thanks for your articulation

Oh yes, I’d been thinking I was getting pretty good at disconnecting from my mother’s chaotic mess & controlling behavior, but just realized I’ve recently got back into explaining myself. It’s hard to push back on that without anger (in which case I obvs lose immediately) or to view the whole thing with objectivity. What a downward spiral. Ohh this is hard. At 82 and frail she does need some help (which is accepted begrudgingly) so I can’t just cut her off. The balance is very tough to maintain. It’s often so much easier to capitulate, then get mad later. That’s so super unhealthy in every way.

@ccalexander1924

11 ай бұрын

Do you live with your mom ? I think about it a lot. My mom is getting older. Right now she is in very good health. She will be 73. There is absolutely no way I could ever live with her. I went NC a month ago and I’m not sure what my next step will be. I am putting my condo up for sale in august and I am hoping to open my own business in next 1-2 years so I will need to move wherever I open the business. I want a fresh start . But I do sometimes think .. what if she needs me ? Thing is she has been so manipulative and jjsg not a nice person. She went NC on her entire family years ago and they all passed ! My mom is one of those people who expect the kids to do everything for her from hanging up her shower curtains and pictures , driving her to all her 500 dr appts , grocery shopping , meds , bank , the list goes on ! She never got her drivers license since it expired in her 20s and just expected everyone to take her when and wherever she needed to go and if I didn’t I was the bad child who never helps her mom. My mom is not disabled and no reason why she isn’t driving od no reason why she never renewed her license. Funny bc years ago I moved out if state to get away from her. It was so peaceful. Then I moved back home closer thinking she is older and what if she needs me then all the silent treatments started back up and the blaming me for things I never did started up again and she never changed. Never will.

@goodnewsgrace

5 ай бұрын

@@ccalexander1924 Mine is the same age. After 5 years of trying to get along and giving it my best, I realise now they don't change. If anything it can only get worse with time as there are small signs of dementia - not serious, but enough where I can imagine gaslighting + dementia not being a good situation for me to be in, if I was a carer or something. She has my siblings though so she'll be fine. I won't feel guilt. I have done enough.

that's good information. yeah my daughter is a narcissistic and when I don't care what she is doing it trips her up and she doesn't know what to do. as long as the kids are safe that all I care about.

@debrawolleycrochet

Жыл бұрын

@@Thomasfrohwitter my day is going good you

@debrawolleycrochet

Жыл бұрын

@@Thomasfrohwitter I enjoy the same things you do I am from California. I am currently crocheting blankets I made six of them so far.

Here's the boundary......stay away from me and don't talk to me ever again....were done

Thank you for this, very helpful. For me in my case, If I do not set very firm boundaries with repercussions, it will never improve. With one of mine, there is a line drawn and that one must never engage with me in any way, period. The ramifications for any trespass are open, clear and very severe. The other is granted engagement but with zero wiggle room for abuse. If that is not respected they know damn well they will move into the other's zone. It would mean the end of the relationship immediately and for good. Tough stuff and you will appear to them to be the bad person for asserting yourself but it's the only way I can figure out to deal with it. They must understand in as much as they hate it that there do exists boundaries in place, even if they don't respect them. Good luck you beautiful people.

I've been with my narc for almost 9 years. I realized 5 months ago who I was dealing with. We have 3 young kids which is y I haven't left yet. I don't want him to use my kids. He cheats on me and no matter how much evidence I show him from his own phone, we denies. I'm not allowed to work or go to the gym. Anything that benefits me to better myself he has a problem. I got to a point where I wanted to end it bc I don't knw how to get away but my kids need me. And I'm really close to my family and he told me all 8 of my sisters hated me. Now he wants me to feel alone and have me to depend on him. I feel stuck and lost and want to save my kids bc he's not nice to them either but I don't knw how to get out.

Good info. A little tough to hear myself on your words. 😔. The Terminator analogy is on point. Tried to talk to my narcissist father about this so he might have some shred empathy. Just felt like i was talking to a robot.