I am autistic with ADHD. My boyfriend has ADHD. I try to listen to his special interests. He has them too. He doesn't like giving presents for holidays but out of the blue he will find something nice and give it. He makes beautiful special cards for people with photoshop. I tell him what to buy me for my birthday and Christmas. He doesn't want most presents because he is a minimalist so I take him out to eat for his birthday.

“Buddy” is an adorable pet name. Y’all are super cute 💜 I really like hearing about having an autistic & ADHD partner from the perspective of a neurotypical. I am auDHD and find it really helpful and also fascinating to hear about what the experience is like on the other side.

Thank you so much for sharing. It’s been super helpful to hear that a relationship between an autistic person and a non autistic person can be possible and even beautiful. I’m pretty certain my husband is autistic. At this point, he has been diagnosed with bipolar. It’s been 2 years and none of the medications have helped. My daughter was recently diagnosed with autism. It was a shock. Once I started researching, everything seemed to make sense. That’s when we started thinking my husband’s diagnosis may actually be ASD and not bipolar. Content like this is super helpful in both changing the way I perceive my family, whom I love dearly, and learning how to love them in ways that make sense to our situation. I especially appreciate your view on special interests. For the longest time, I felt so alone because I viewed the info dumping as very selfish. I didn’t like to be talked at. But now I see it as a beautiful part of the way my people are wired. And I feel honored that they want to share those things with me. ❤

@ChrisandDebby

3 ай бұрын

Chris here- just wanted to let you know your husband has possibly been wrongfully diagnosed and the meds he is taking could be harmful. I’m worried about him. Someone in my immediate family was wrongfully diagnosed BP and so was I. The meds made things much worse. Get an opinion of a medical professional who knows what they are doing. If you want to know more about my history of misdiagnosis, you can watch my ASD diagnosis journey video. Also, I have learned over time to share my special interests with only those people I love and trust very much. If your husband is sharing (sometimes it’s more like dumping) his special interests with you it’s because he loves and trusts you very very much. That’s important for you to know.

@saraharnold8449

3 ай бұрын

I’m excited to watch the video with my husband tonight when he gets back from work. Thank you so much for responding. I think he will be greatly encouraged, as am I. 😊

Interesting. Are there any accomodations or things he does for you to support you in any way? Love how supportive you are. I would also love to see some insights in what he does for you. Like those treasure hunts etc.

@ChrisandDebby

4 ай бұрын

Yes! I do a few things for her. I prepare her bubble baths, make her yummy coffee drinks, cook her healthy meals, and handle 86.5% of her fashion decisions. I decorate and design amazing spaces for her to live and work in. I make time most days to listen to her dump the mess from her brain (but I have a hard time doing more than 14 minutes). I massage her body, (especially like her butt) itch her back, and put lotion on her skin. I write her stories and draw her pictures. I create magical worlds that I only invite her into and make her laugh as often as I can. I carry the heavy bags, do 90% of the laundry, and clean the really nasty parts of the house. Whenever she clogs a toilet, I’ll get it unclogged. I help her with most things she needs or does professionally (but that’s easy really because she’s so much fun to work with). I sing her gentle songs (sometimes when she’s not super excited about it) and I make up different personas and characters to inspire her, make her laugh, and sometimes to gross her out. Once in a while, I’ll organize and fold all of the clothes in her closet because she gets really excited about that. When she’s sick, I’ll read her stories and make her hot lemon and honey. When she gets sweat on her nose, I let her use my shirt to wipe it off. Writing this response though makes me think about all the stuff my wife does for me and it really is a lot. Especially after I was diagnosed. I think I’ll plan another scavenger hunt for her soon! 😊

@puntjepuntpuntje

4 ай бұрын

@@ChrisandDebby Nice to read the lovely things you do for her. I bet the scavenger hunt will be awesome. You made me smile when you wrote 86,5% of her fashion decisions. Love the precicenes in you´re answer. I always struggle with puting it in to numbers or words to make it more accurate.

@tracirex

19 күн бұрын

​@@ChrisandDebbyWhat Chris does for Debby to show his love needs to be a well documented video. I don't need to see any human butt rubbing ( you could use a stock video of an animal getting a butt massage).

Chris is right... You are pretty awesome.

I feel so much better napping with my husband nearby.

@ 42 i self diagnosed. Simultaneously my wife realized this also applied to our kindergartner. That moment changed everything for the better. We studied and became aware of “autism” life. Four years later my wife realized and self diagnosed with audhd. So far we’re part of the 30%. On a tangent. Just an other example of how my life has typically represented the smallest percentage good or bad.

I have ADHD/ASD and you sound so nice! I have always felt really annoying being so particular and can just drop off the face of the world when I think people feel I’m a burden. That’s true of me - not sure about Chris or others with these two conditions. You are ❤ a wonderful person and partner. 😊

@ChrisandDebby

4 ай бұрын

Yes, sometimes I do feel like a burden and a lot of guilt accompanies that. I combat it by working to be better person most days of the week 😝😝 and as independent as I possibly can be. And I am so lucky to have the best wife in the world!! She does so much and is constantly learning. Whenever I start to feel angry toward non autistics or hopelessness about living in a neurotypical world, I just think about Debby, and I’m reminded that there is plenty of hope and plenty of good.

I’m beginning to think my husband might have some autism. I thought he just had anger issues, but he loses it over crazy little things. He hates deviation from routine….and there are SO many more things, too. I have my own issues, too. I’d like to learn ways to deal with him that makes us both happy. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time around him because I never know what weird thing is going to upset him. Do you feel that way?

@ChrisandDebby

3 ай бұрын

Yes, I can understand how you feel! I think what is hard sometimes is the level of meltdowns and understanding that triggers that might seem small or minor to you could be huge to him. None of this is to say that he IS autistic necessarily. But from my experience before Chris was diagnosed, I got bits and pieces of information over many, many years and especially through the stress of COVID completely dismantling his routines. But even he had a hard time explaining sometimes why a change on one day was okay (or at least seemed on the surface to be okay) but on another day, it would lead to a complete meltdown. Over time, I was able to notice lots of triggers or things I could predict might lead to these responses, but there were usually larger, overarching issues, like huge stressors and sleep issues. I found that when Chris was struggling with sleep, so many other things became more challenging for us together, and after his diagnosis, we both realized it was because his sensory processing issues would become much more pronounced, he struggled with executive functioning, and he could feel these things happening internally, but if he didn’t tell me or show signs, I wouldn’t know. Then when I did or said something that bothered him, he might shut down or have a meltdown, and I sometimes took it personally, because in the moment, it often felt very personal. But once he was diagnosed and I could understand more, I came to realize when he hit that point, I often kept pushing, asking more questions, trying to resolve the issue. But he wanted some separation to calm down, so my response would sometimes escalate the situation, leading to a much longer meltdown which then made me question what happened and why the response was so strong. In reality, if I had given him the time and space to have less stimulation, he might not have gotten upset. But everything after that was because he wanted to have space and separation for a while, so it seemed like he was losing it, but in reality, this was how he had learned to get the space he needed: by saying and doing whatever he could to “get away” from me in that moment. After a meltdown, he almost always needed time to recover but also felt guilty and sometimes had a hard time explaining what had happened, so I felt for a long time like I was also walking on eggshells. In the end, it came down to us trying to understand each other better and communicate more before we ever get to those points. It’s not always perfect, but it has improved a lot. When you mention about anger issues, I think it’s the easiest emotion in many ways to fall back on, and this could connect to being undiagnosed as an adult. For Chris, his default emotion in past for frustration, anger, being startled, loss of routines, etc looked like anger, and I feel like this probably connects back to the executive functioning challenges he and many autistics have. So I think as a spouse, you might want to try to understand WHY he is acting this way (triggers, underlying issues like sleep or pain) and then figuring out how you can know when he is already not feeling great and what that means for his preferred communication style during those moments. For Chris, he wants fewer questions, shorter sentences, and concise communication. (He likes this in general but is more accepting of any kind of talk when he’s feeling good overall.) Trying to discuss this when your husband is NOT angry or upset would be a good spot to start! I feel like I can connect to what you’re saying pretty strongly and could point you to some other resources too! Also, for the last 6 months, we have been working on an online course related to some of these exact issues. It’s designed for the spouses, family, and loved ones of autistic individuals, in order to help them understand some ways they could improve their relationship. It’s pretty in depth and could be helpful for you and your husband, even without an official diagnosis. I can send you more info when it’s ready! (It’s in the final stages but not quite done yet.) Or you can join our email list to get notified : chrisanddebby.mykajabi.com/join-us It sounds like you’re going through a very challenging time, so feel free to reach out via email (contactchrisanddebby@gmail.com) if you want to connect directly! Hope some of this info helps!

Thanks for sharing, Debby!

I tell you, THIS video sums up me (the Autistic one) and my husband. 😂 ♥️🥰

Thank you Debby , I'm new and this really helps.

@ChrisandDebby

3 ай бұрын

Thanks for being here!! Glad it was helpful for you - and lots more to come 😊

I just found your channel and I am loving your perspective as a Neurotypical spouse! My current partner has autism and my adult daughter has autism and ADHD. It is so helpful to see things from my experience reflected in your content! Thank you so much!

@ChrisandDebby

2 ай бұрын

So happy to hear you’re enjoying this perspective - thanks for this comment and for being here!! 🥰

❤ omg u guys r so sweet

❤