When I realised that everyone's opinion was just an expression of their reality then I accepted what they had to say with empathy and compassion. We are all living different realities and it was no longer a battle between their ego and mine.

My Dad used to joke, "It's not that I'm always right, it's just that I'm never wrong!"

Dr C, thank you sir. My family is is dealing with the effect of living and dealing with a malignant narcissist for over sixty years. Mental abuse, gas lighting, flying monkeys and minnie me. It's all there. Thanks for helping us identify this condition and the best way to deal with it.

@fredsherrill3

5 жыл бұрын

Are you from the Carolinas? For a moment I thought we were related.

Great talk, thank you. I don't have to be right but I would like to be allowed my thoughts/opinions on issues/topics. I have found that narcissists just cannot allow this and will try to turn this into an argument wherein there is no reasoning with them regarding the fairness of maintaing their right to their own thoughts/opinions but allowing others this same respect.

It is such a blessing to hear others noticing all this! There is nothing to be gained by arguing with those who don't want to hear. When I discovered that someone just didn't want my views at all, then I stopped sharing with them, even avoiding them when they were in conversation with others. When we see that our input is not going to be received we can move on perhaps to someone else who might be interested. I enjoy visiting with others who share honestly and receive sharing of others, its called a discussion, they often are very fruitful.

Most valid point is the overly "right" person turning everything into a competition! Have had to "work" with folks like that and have found it's best to just let them take the ball and run it their way. Funny because it usually ends up with "I'm so right that I'm wrong." When these folks fail at something, it's always kind and generous to not mention their screw-ups because folks who just always have to be right are usually those who lack real confidence in themselves and their abilities...and just try to "hide" their inner sense or feelings of inferiority. In my experience, these are folks who just can't handle "criticism" of any kind from anyone.

@rosettesionne9139

3 жыл бұрын

But the most annoying part with them is that these people can't handle critisism but they are champion on criticizing others

And I'm being "straight up" with you in my heartfelt thanks for all you do for us! I know the grace of God led me to your channel.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

So pleased! Dr. C

Kudos to your client who had the courage to look at himself so deeply. It may hurt a bit (like a BIIIG bandaid rip) but feels soooo much better to have our uglies lifted and choose a better way to be rather than the work keeping up the ugly option.

I spent countless hours and days trying to show my narcissistic ex that she was actually wrong, and how wrong she was, and how many times she was wrong. And there was NEVER any admission of wrong, even with irrefutable evidence to the contrary. I also admitted fault and apologized for many things of which I was not guilty, in a futile attempt to keep the peace. After 32 years of it, I am finally at peace. Thank you Dr. Carter.

Right on dr Les. Luckily I grew up in a family that didn’t shout, brow-beat, curse or get aggressive with each other so have an “agree to disagree” attitude. I noticed this seemed to enrage my ex-narc, as if he wanted a confrontational argument. I didn’t understand it then but I do now. 🙄 Thanks for all your clear and good humoured advice.

From the first year of our marriage my spouse wanted to do almost everything his way and he thought he was always right. He eventually stated to me "I'm always right until proven wrong!" And this week, we've been married 29 years and it most certainly has not been easy.~ Dr. Les Carter your video's are always so helpful and it also seems that the timing is so spot on to things I'm thinking or that I'm going through on the day of your posts. Thank you, for your help and kind gentle soul. 💕

Yes, yes and yes Dr Carter. Having experienced n abuse for more than two decades and then seen change. I never want to go through that again. But I also never want to become anything like that. So I will keep listening to stuff like this and making sure I treat people right and with the dignity and respect you talk about so often. Thank you for helping us God bless you for that.

Thank you Dr. C, i have been waiting for so long to seek a way to help me see the truth in my life. Truth has been deprived in me since childhood. I find and can see in you a loving father i never and will never have, i find and can see in you a good brother and a friend anyone needs. A big hug for you Dr. C♥️

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Hug received! Dr. C

People often think I'm out to prove them wrong when I question how they arrived at a belief or why they believe it if they already know I disagree. I have to clarify that this is not what I want. I am usually not even out to change their mind. Once I get across that I sincerely just want to know they usually become more open to being asked questions in order to better understand them they are usually more willing to open up and ask me similar questions in return. It makes for more productive conversation.

@perfectday777

5 жыл бұрын

I agree with you. I have had similar experiences, even recently. It seems that a lot of people are so conditioned in a defense-offence mindset that makes commuinication very challenging. Most of the time, if I try to explain to the other person that my intent is to understand, even though we may disagree. The art of disagreeing without being disagreeable is becoming a lost art. Ultimately, I end up just walking away from the situation.

@leealexander3507

5 жыл бұрын

@@perfectday777 I have to wonder why it has become so difficult to simply exchange ideas. It's entirely possible to just agree to disagree but still learn something about each other. Especially with people you've known for years and should be able to exchange ideas with in well established low conflict relationship. We didn't used to shut each other down like that in social conversation or even conversation with family members at times. It's not as if we are not all entitled to our own opinions. Are people ashamed to hold the opinions they do? If so maybe they should examine their own opinions, either with someone to help them sort it out or by themselves. Or maybe being attacked for your opinions has somehow become common. Maybe you know because I sure don't.

Always an honour to hear from you Dr C. And thank you for your great guidance as always.

Sometimes I think arguments are superficial and underneath all of them are just fears, desires or wishes that we all wish we could express and a longing to be understood and loved

Good point Dr C. Relationship skills are vital. Having been brought up by narcissists & abusers I suspect my relationship skills are far from the best but I find it helpful as a general rule to try to leave others feeling good about themselves, whether that is by taking the time to listen to them or affirming an idea they have, or congratulating them on how well they have handled difficulties or something they have acheived, or complimenting them on how smart they are looking, or offering support or warmth. We all need to be able to feel good about ourselves somehow.

This puts an interesting “spin” on things. Thanks, Doc. Give Gus a head pat for me. 😉

Les Carter's dog named Gus, is an amazingly excellent extra in his very informative and helpful utubes. ✌❤

@petercrutchley6085

5 жыл бұрын

It does seem that people who love animals often tend to care about people too.

Am I hearing you say that we all have the potential to act in narcissistic ways and as a result of your awareness of this human quality, you are gently guiding all of us, maybe victims in particular, to be mindful of this quality in order to live in a "good way" overall and to contribute to the best possible outcome in these difficult narcissistic relationships? ...Lately, I think I have been hearing messages of Balance as we navigate such painful paths. And I think this is a valuable and needed type of encouragement, reminder, and guidance. I need it anyway!! 😂 Thank you Dr. C.

In dealing with my toxic ex, arguments would circle and circle, and it eventually ended with him saying "what's right is right". Which always left me feeling discounted. He was very toxic and unable to see "gray areas" everything was black and white to him, and everything was a game, and always about competing...and he HAD TO WIN. Now I'm much more peaceful in my day to day life, and I can see that I sometimes am pushy in my own opinions. I'm going to try your approach of "why do you think this, or how did you come to this conclusion", and not to pick it apart, but so that I can get to know the person better. Politics has been a big issue these last couple of years, and has torn friendships apart, and that is sad.

Dr your videos have so much valuable information to contemplate 🤔. I've struggled with black and white thinking. I find empathy and patience to be key in overcoming this rigid way of thinking. It keeps me grounded to realize we have all made mistakes and no one is perfect including myself. This is challenging having been raised by a narc but I wish to rise above. "Hi"to Gus and my thanks to you for these insightful videos.

Thank you as always Dr. Carter for your time, knowledge, and guidance to help each and every one of us be the best healthy version that we can be. I appreciate you and your time spent sharing with us. Love & hugs to little Gus! ❤🐶

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Thanks so much, Shelly! Dr. C

@TheAncksunamen

5 жыл бұрын

@@DrLesCarter ❤

my father who I am convinced is a narcissist never ever admits when he's wrong, it's extremely frustrating, I am not exaggerating, he's regularly wrong about so many things including factual information that can't really be argued with, he uses threats when you challenge him, and at times reminds me of a small child, as horrible as it sounds I certainly will not miss him when he's not around anymore.

@itswhatisee957

4 жыл бұрын

Sad

Excellent! Give Gus a treat!

Dr. Carter, you have helped me greatly! You're a gem. Thank you.

to add point, i think ppl who need to be right all the time is because in childhood being wrong was very punishable. Makeing mistake ment rejection, shaming, attacking from parent. So they are running away from that. Being scared of being wrong and its hunting them. Thats where black and white thinking is coming from. Making mistakes wasnt opportumity for learning and growth but punishment and suffering.

@StephieGsrEvolution

5 жыл бұрын

Yes!

@rosettesionne9139

3 жыл бұрын

That doesn't excuse the fact that they are doing the same thing to others. If it was just because people had a difficult childhood that they became a narcissist then more than half of the world population would be narcissist

You are so clever Dr C . 👍🏼 Relationships are essentials to humans as water and vitamins are! When in an healthy relationship that you value and want to keep "alive", you should not ask yourself what is good for you, but rather ask yourself, what is good for the relationship. Black and white, 0 or 1: only for computers not for humans !

Doc you're kind wise guidance is making a real difference for me and hopefully for friends, family, colleagues and kids I teach. Super grateful to you.

Accepting where I'm at and what's going on, has helped me in the past. Maybe it will help now! I sure hope so! Dr Carter, you said something that reminded me of this! Thanks!

I need your good heart in my life, Dr. C. Wish there were more like you.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

I want you to live with a good heart as well. Dr. C

In recovery from codependency in CODA I've managed to discover in Step 8 that being right as an adult is exactly the same for me as my inner child having a terrible 2 tantrum. I get to take control, get my way and have my viewpoint and a self will that's fixed and in that moment unbudgeable!

Oh my gosh....the calls & texts started 2:00 am. I thought after not hearing from him for 2 weeks was a good thing. Well I'm not answering him. I will keep listening to your videos Dr. C....your the 1st & only person that has ever actually cared & I'm so thankful for you & your videos! Thank you for helping so more than many of us out their!!

@DrLesCarter

4 жыл бұрын

I need to do a video on hoovering. Thanks for the good words. Dr. C

Wow I got alot our of this video. Thank you Dr. Carter.

My nurse from the hospice said to me today ------ they like to target you, because you are vulnerable, you are an easy target, they like to control !!!! oh great , thanks !!!!

Its call getting a understanding not agreeing but respecting each other mind

Your saving my life and my brain.. thank you so very much.. i cant even believe this all makes sense.. i havent been able to wrap my head around this crazy relationship im in.. lonely..sexless..loveless.. so glad my eyes have been opened to this knowledge.. truly amazing

Dr. Carter I appreciate very much your videos on the narcissist series. They provide a great deal of insight into myself and others. I sense they are creating some sense of wholeness in me.

Dr. C. I truly want to thank you for another enlightened and informative video. What set you apart is that you make us aware of our problems then offer a sound and obtainable solution. I thank you again.

Oh my goodness I am going to post this video on Facebook every time I encounter these folks! This might be the most widely shared video in the history of videos!

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Great! Dr. C

Thank you so much❣. Your vids are so clear, sensible....RIGHT❣. 😘

I have noticed that that people from different backgrounds often do not believe what I say. Maybe, I look or present myself as stupid. However, I went to one of the best high schools in the country and attended a decent university. I live in a prominent neighborhood, but worked in a poor neighborhood. I am fairly informed, and it is frustrating, as I had a teacher correct me and say that Australia was part of the United States in front of a group of students. It was humiliating!

Oh yes ... I have been surrounded by this energy for most of my life. Sadly, I have absorbed a bunch of it in the past couple of years. Thank you so much, Dr. Carter, for helping me to begin dealing with this anger, resentment, control.

It's helpful to have that mantra of drc becoming a good habit to stop n take a breath before responding. Leastwise in my world.

I think that when people say that they have to be right that what they really mean is that they have to win the argument. I always want to be right, but I understand that I'm fallible. I also understand that even if I am right that people are under no obligation to believe me. Regardless, my goal is truth, not winning the argument. It is good to be right, but only when you're actually right; and people are still allowed to make their own mistakes.

Being right is not as important as loving yourself and being okay with standing on your own.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Bingo! Dr. C

You are a blessing Dr. C!! Jo Jo

This is great timing thank you Dr. C! ❤️😊

Being correct all the time can wear you out!

Thank you so much Doctor! Extremely grateful for all of the videos!🙏🙏🙏

This is absolutely spot on. Thank you Dr. C !

Dog with a bone . I've said that many many times myself when dealing with the narcissist I've dealt with. Everything you have say in this video is true. And I had to change myself. I get it a lot better now.

Just what I needed, thank you Dr C!! 🌹🌹😊😊

God bless you Dr. C!!!! YOU ARE HEAVEN SENT!!!!!!!! :)

You have some brilliant insight. Thank you. I wish that many others would hear your message. Because it is helpful. I wish you could reach the younger generation by using a background that is less like their parents home. When I listen to your message, I ache to see it get out to the younger. And it will only do that by creating a set that is modern.

Those personalities are very difficult. Yes, its always a competition, all about winning. Winning what, I wonder? Good video. I love it, have a contemplative spirit. Excellent. Thank you.

@ronw484

5 жыл бұрын

They want your submission. That's what they consider a "win."

@brusselsprout5851

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you for clarifying that. I have such a hard time getting my head around the idea of their non productive goal. Maybe that's because my parents were 1920/30s Great Depression babies. If that is the whole extent of their "winning" what complete destruction they are. In a way it must be maddening/frustrating to know one's personality is wholly destructive. I wish they could be helped. But all authorities on the topic say they can't because they won't see their problem for their egos. I need to get my head around that winning just because is their sole and shallow goal Thanks again.

My mother was Always right even when she was wrong. Every single issue. 🏢⚖👩🏼‍⚖📜

Thank you Dr.C. Listening to your videos have brought me to an awareness of what is going on in my family.. I am just at the beginning. Understanding will surely make a big difference in my life.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Glad you are with us, Judy, and keep up the effort. There is plenty of growth ahead. Dr. C

Dr. Wes, I can't wait to watch this!!! Seems you have vision into my life and the conflicts I have faced recently. I was removed from a paid class because I offered new ideas the teacher could not handle because it was not HER WAY. Thank you for your insight and being here for me and everyone else. ❤ Love to you and Gus

@teri9636

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you Dr. Wes! I so miss my mom's Spiritual guidance, she passed nearly 30 years ago. You have become her BEAUTIFUL light in my world to continue my learning. Shine on!

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Wow! What a nice compliment. Dr. C

@teri9636

5 жыл бұрын

@@ccdm515 I agree, that is what it's all about... sharing and Learning!

This actually turned me around today. Thank you.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Pleased! Dr. C

Very well said. Thank you for your efforts. Regards from New Zealand.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Thanks, Peter! Dr. C

Wow, Dr. C - another great video! Of course I'm not surprised because they are all great! This is a very important topic, in my opinion. They say, "Never say never" but I will say it anyway because I "never" watch and listen to a video of yours without learning! I think it is wonderful that you come up with so many insightful topics for us. As usual, your delivery is stellar and motivating. Thank you very much for helping us in our journey toward self-improvement and better understanding people who are not interested in self-improvement. You're the best! 😊

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

You're kind, Annette. Dr. C

Thank you dr carter

I've let the other people "be right" for so many years I don't know if I can figure out how to stand up and say, "no more". I don't argue, I don't fight, I don't even stand up for myself. People seem to know I'm a limp rag and walk all over me, steal from me, take advantage of me, ... because - I let them. I am tired and withdrawn, sad and angry - at myself. Glad I'm now poor (robbed blind) because at least they can't steal from me anymore.

@notagain779

5 жыл бұрын

chinookvalley, Can you pinpoint any experiences in your childhood that led you to be, say, passive in the way you describe yourself? Sometimes not fighting can be a good thing. Let them wear themselves out while you just don't engage. I don't think it means you're a limp rag. Maybe you just prefer to get along and be an agreeable person. The way I look at it, those who need to constantly get a fight going, or need to see relationships as adversarial and competitive, are losing out on a lot. They, and not you, are the ones who should be sad and angry at themselves! The world certainly needs more gentleness in it, but we do have to know how to protect ourselves when we're the gentle type.

@notagain779

5 жыл бұрын

@Beth Mitchell , I hear you, and I agree that there should be consequences for some behaviors. I meant that not engaging (and therefore not fighting) with such types doesn't make a person weak. In the case of being robbed blind, well, that's maybe a different matter....but no details were given about that. If it's not a case where you can get the law involved, then cutting completely off such people might be the only thing a person can do to protect themselves.

Thank you for this.....I am the overly right person! the overly correct person! and it is like arm wrestling with the world. I really needed this today. Thank you and God Bless You.

This video title reminds me of a realization I had about the religious narcissist in my life. He (my STBXH) went on a big scolding rant towards my son for being easily embarrassed. Then my husband proceeded to brag about how humble HE WAS, how he didn’t care what people thought about him. (humble in terms of living with a low income). After I listened to him toot his horn for awhile, I thought “something about this don’t sound right”. Then it occurred to me: he is PROUD of being humble! 🙄😖 But now that I write that out, it’s even deeper than that, he wasn’t really even proud, he was just trying to convince himself bc he was ashamed on some levels. Example: every year the all 3 of my kids in public school have to turn in a school lunch form. He forbid me to write down our income. He is AFRAID someone will judge him. 🙄

Thank you! So helpful!

Thank you Dr c for another informative video You're greatly appreciated you and g dog I love that

My favorite is when you don't agree with someone who always has to be right and they scream, "You're just opinionated and think you know everything!" They should really be standing in front of a mirror when they scream that.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

They are hurt souls. Dr. C

@ronw484

5 жыл бұрын

@@DrLesCarter I understand that but, on a larger scale, aren't these types the type who want to shut down all free speech that they don't approve of by labeling it to be politically incorrect or "hate" speech so that only their opinions, beliefs, positions and perspectives are allowed the light of day? In that regard, they may be "hurt souls" but they can be quite dangerous as a collective force.

I'm like that, as an idealist and perfectionist. That makes me rigid and stressed!

Blessings to you again from Australia and loyal following much gratitude

@DrLesCarter

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks, Monique! Dr. C

Thank you Dr. C. 😊

A other of so many great vid from Dr. C. Dr. C. You help so many people I wish I had a canceler like you.

it truly is as though you are applying for a position in their life? Silence golden. IGNORance bliss. Little boxes ppl try to put you in. Having to appease these types is a trade off you can not afford. Those peripheral ppl have their CONSIDERATIONS too, as in their. To not want to understand and to doubt others perceptions to deescalate or to gain a benefit for yourself of running an agenda to the end, good grief how arrogant and heartless some ppl turn out to be. They come from a place of entitlement too with a victim mentality. That is how the abusers and those abused react in similar ways. Someone is a liar and someone else is being set up to take the fall. Intentions and motivations do matter.

That's why I have troubles going no contact.

@Misslotusification

5 жыл бұрын

Without saying that silent treatment and stonewalling are narcs ways... thus more of what I don't want to see out there. Be the change you want to see in the world, said Gandhi.

How very ironic! Thank you for helping us along our way!

Oh how I’d wish you would able to do distance ( international) Counselling sessions Your approach of describing things you do it in a carming harmonious atttitude straight in point but with compassion and understanding Blessing to you

Good point for sure ..

Thank you Dr. Carter👍

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Thanks, Darlene. Dr. C

The best way to control someone is to NOT try to control them, but to add some honey into the conversation, hey, it works with flies.

Thank you doctor! I learned a lot from you about relationships I need it..

I have been guilty of "Right fighting." Luckily, I was cognizant to stop it. It gets you no where really, especially with another "Right Fighter." Also, I think Gus needs his own merchandise. :)

Happy New year to you 🎊

Thank you

👍 Thank You Sir.

Thanks!

Thank you.

Doctor, thanks for helping us tight those "loossed bolts and nuts" of our minds. ☺❤

Dr. Carter you never seem to amaze me your videos of course my opinion and I hope others feel this way they're so meaningful 2 people like myself if I take the time and listen to your words even if I have to watch your videos over as many times as needed and I feel it's the same thing with a good core relationship very important that we take time especially when your other half stands in front of you honoring you as a person and you respect that and return it at the same level I used to think give them more feelings then they come to you with yours if he or she is a good one typically are not looking 4 more then what they have served out to you it should be a balanced relationship watching and understanding their needs to bring smiles and happiness and comfort and security to your all relationship I have dissected my 27-year relationship that went South I have taken the time and still need more time to make sure if God himself gives me another shot at somebody that feels the same way because there's not a whole lot of us good people out there so. What I mean his to take the time to understand your needs and their needs and slow your life down so you don't miss out on the important things that come your way in this world we have all been taught to go as fast as you can if you ever been inside of a car going over a hundred miles an hour and look out the windows and try to read the signs when you go fly and buy them I can assure you you won't be able to read the whole sign. So what happens is she missed the most important part and most of the time bad things happen go at the proper space so you can grab the most out of life it's a great feeling peace to all

@DrLesCarter

4 жыл бұрын

Like the way you're unpacking all of it!! Dr. C

This kind of discussion can happen when the other side is honest, with narcs not possible.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

Yep! Dr. C

@baileygregg6567

5 жыл бұрын

@@DrLesCarter What if you have already figured this out alone over the years. Yet you do not wish to bring any negative around anyone so you self isolate. Human emotions seem invalid most occasions in this house...

I love your work. I hope to interview you one day!

Very good!

So, so right on.

Relationships are not a competition... wow!!

Dr, C I am watching your videos all day. I must be bured. joke... Thank you for your videos..

@DrLesCarter

4 жыл бұрын

Hey Lita, I'm just glad you're figuring it out! Dr. C

I can admit and take full responsibility when I’m wrong and apologize with no issues. But i have not learned how to lose the right to be right, and that will never go over will or resonate especially with women 😩

So right!😁

In my practice as mentor my right may not be yours I am here to help you find your knowing. Had a guru teacher who often mentioned often the pork chop we grab on to. Open up.

Sounds like he is talking about self righteousness. Ego . Building ones self up by tearing people down. Superiority. Dr c is great. How I deal with people like that is I say things to myself like "u can't fix stupid even with duck tape and everybody has the right to their own opinions" and I can even use that when I'm being self righteous. Live and let live . The first step is always awareness of the problem and what to do about it.

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

I'm tracking with you. Dr. C

@brandonbatchelor8299

5 жыл бұрын

@@DrLesCarter thanks for sharing your experience and knowledge. It helps me and I'm sure others as well. Your vids help me to identify what I need to work on and how to deal with narcissists in my family. I've just decided that I try to have little to do with people that our toxic. Don't know if that's the best way but it's the only way I found to keep my resentment from resurfacing. U forgive someone for the past but when they keep acting the way that u resent them for in the past into the present , the resentment resurfaces at least for me. Sometimes I don't know what to do with that. Thanks again . Have a great evening

My boyfriend and I have been watching your videos as part of our trying to work on our relationship and be happier and more in harmony with one another. I really felt like anger and a need to be "right" all the time was something I needed him to work on, and I'm also working on my issues with anxiety and the need to please everyone. One thing I told him that seemed to help: "Even if you think I'm totally wrong for feeling the way I do, if you care about me my feelings should still matter to you. If my perception of events or issues is incorrect, please explain to me what your actual motivations are and what you really meant when you said what you did, so I can better understand you. But when you just dismiss my feelings it hurts me even more and if I matter to you then you should want to comfort me when I'm upset and help me work through my negative feelings in a healthy and loving way." Sometimes one party or the other does overreact and maybe one of us is "right" and one is "wrong". But winning the argument shouldn't be more important than how the person you care about feels once the discussion is over. Anyway, thank you for your insight as we're taking this journey together. You've been a great help! ❤

@DrLesCarter

5 жыл бұрын

I'm really pleased you and your boyfriend are doing this together. This could become the foundation for a really mature relationship. Dr. C