If it gets too toxic for too long - seriously - LET THEM GO!!!! (This might be the only thing that allows them to WANT to change ,) meanwhile , allow yourself to LIVE YOUR PURPOSE, and go after your DREAMS!!

@lisagrizzard91

2 ай бұрын

It's so hard I did I'm so trying to find myself for once ❤ great advice though

When you said maybe he came home drunk with the kid in the car then mentioned soccer practice I nearly spit out my coffee. This is my scenario exactly last week. After nearly 9 years of living with the lies and gaslighting and loosing myself to this fake relationship (no relationship with an addict is real) that was the last straw. Ruin my life? That's on me. Mess with the kids? I'm done.

@fruity_mango6539

11 ай бұрын

“No relationship with an addict is real”…. 😳💥😣😭 gut punch 😩

@victorial8764

7 ай бұрын

I think it’s still real for some. But I can totally validate why you feel and think that way. I really do. Big hug. ❤

@user-fr7wv5jg5x

3 ай бұрын

Oooof I felt that same gut punch…..🤢

My wife is a violent, uncontrollable alcoholic. When she's not drinking, she's the sweetest person there is. But when she drinks, she turns into a demon. For years, I thought I was the cause of this...because that's what herself, and "friends" would constantly tell me. I was going out of my mind struggling w this. She would blame everyone for her destructive actions...I now have peace knowing that this is a normal behavior addicts use. And I know this now, thanks to YOUR channel. I want to thank you.

@techjunkie68smusicandtech56

Ай бұрын

She is being possessed by dark entities because of her alcohol use, they refer to alcohol as spirits, right? That is a clue there, Alcohol use and abuse is like opening a portal for these entities to take over as she doesn't have that control when she drinks. I am sorry that you have to put up with that, it must be hard.

My heart just dropped when Bridgett was talking. I saw myself a few years back. She’s trying so hard not to be attached and accused by the addict because deep down he has convinced her that she is the reason he has to use. Slowly killing her spirit so he can do what he wants and she stays broken and quiet.

@victorial8764

7 ай бұрын

Didn’t get to that yet but I keep wondering how much of what o was told is a lie and what is true. My soul hurts. I feel so drained. Thanks for the comment. ❤

In the past I would ask my adult son if he had been drinking. The answer was always no and it was always a lie. Once when he wanted to use my car I said "You're drinking, so no." Then he let loose with all the alcoholic crazy making. I kept calmly saying no. Days later he asked me how I could have no reaction at all when he screamed and swore and threatened right in my face. I had no reaction at all to that question. I've been involved in his addiction for far too long. So sad and tired. Thankfully he has moved to his own place and I know when to avoid him. Surprisingly we are very close. He confides in me and I am able to pick out deceptions and manipulations. My heart aches for him.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

I'm giving you a Gold Star Pat! Nice job⭐⭐⭐

@TYGZus777

Жыл бұрын

You are blessed that he is close to you and that he doesn't have small children in his care. My son tells me he doesn't like me. Tells me no one likes me. My whole world revolved around him as a single mother. My heart is so beyond broken.

@whiteybopbop9232

Жыл бұрын

@@TYGZus777 same here

@Beatrice.Buiron

7 ай бұрын

​@@TYGZus777I feel you, hope you are taking care of yourself!❤

@Bluegrassgirl45

5 ай бұрын

⁠@@TYGZus777~ ❤ Sad for you…. Don’t hang your self worth on someone who is not being led by the Holy Spirit! Intercede for him by the Blood of Jesus…. I’m talking to myself - I too have a reactive son that has a hair trigger. Heard that kind of person - that otherwise has a seemingly good mind as someone who has a Ferrari brain with bicycle brakes❗️

I cannot tell you how often my conversations with my husband follow this pattern. He is a terrible alcoholic. If I call him on being intoxicated he states "You just like to be miserable - you need there to be a problem". He lost his job over two years ago and I continue to financially support our kids.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

It's maddening, how easily they put everything on you.

@kathymarinucci6054

Жыл бұрын

I was glad that you pointed out to the mother of the son the concept of splitting and keeping people from talking to each other. I think there are a lot of mothers out there that have twisted views of their daughters in laws because they don’t realize that they are being gaslighted and manipulated. The mother feels sorry for their child for having to live or be left by such a bitch when the narrative is a total fabrication.

@Hunny5321

Жыл бұрын

It is unbelievable how "by the book" they are. My husband's exact words "You are just miserable" and "This isn't even about me" It doesn't matter how good I am to him, he will turn on me. He was drinking 30 beers a day a year and two months ago. He fell from a roof, they life flighted him, saved his life. He works but obviously cannot work much, he is a carpenter. It's terrible to say but those were 3 good months for me. Sober months. I had high hopes. Now he hides his drinking so who knows. Thank you for all the videos, Amber. I think they are getting me to where I need to be.

@ESumner

Жыл бұрын

Textbook… mines the exact same

@cpouchie59

Жыл бұрын

Learning so much watching your videos thank you for your dedication

Calling me a gold digger because I noticed that $3k disappeared from our checking account 😂 oh dear

@sunbeam9222

19 күн бұрын

😂😂

DARVO is the worst! I experienced this with my substance abused ex-boyfriend for over 20 years, starting when I confronted him about a bag of needles and he furiously attacked me and branded me a hypocrite, although I'd never used. If I reminded him about an appointment he'd deny responsibility and attack me. Any excuse to reverse and attack.

Thank you to all the people who came on and shared! So helpful. 💛

@PutTheShovelDown

15 күн бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

I am new to your channel so forgive me if I am miss reading you but I have found that accusing, snooping, arguing, managing someone elses behavior, or anything that sets me up for conflict is causing my own misery. I don't need my qualifier to supply my happiness. If the addict in my life causes me emotional or physical harm, it's my responsibility to remove myself, no argument required.

@PutTheShovelDown

6 ай бұрын

Welcome to our little community, Lieah! I think you'll fit in just fine here 🥰 I would never advise snooping, arguing, or managing someone else!

My daughter used to say, "You give me anxiety"...

@TYGZus777

Жыл бұрын

Same!!!

@waynepolo6193

Жыл бұрын

Used to?

@Silentsister

Жыл бұрын

@@waynepolo6193 yeah- she's in prison now. Who gave whom anxiety?

@waynepolo6193

Жыл бұрын

@@Silentsister Ah, well, I am sorry to hear that. Can I ask, was there ever any accusation she might have pointed at you that you felt had any truth to it at all?

@waynepolo6193

Жыл бұрын

@@Silentsister Oh man, it sounds like she's really been through hell. But I'm very glad to hear that she's doing well, all things considered. Still... I'm not sure that answers my question. Athough to be fair, I may have phrased it imprecisely... What I mean is: you said that you've felt guilt and shame over things that you did to *yourself* . What I was asking about was the way she feels about how you treated *her* . Do you think there's any validity to her claims that your actions contributed in some way to her troubled self-image?

😂I’ve never heard of DARVO, but your examples sound like you’ve been in my house. My son can spin a story around fast. Appreciate your ideas and examples.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Now you'll be a ninja. It won't work on you anymore!

I have been experiencing this with my adult daughter. So frustrating! It’s so hard not to get sucked in emotionally. I need to develop better skills at handling these situations. BTW I didn’t know there was a name for it before now. Thanks for the education.

@TYGZus777

Жыл бұрын

I have been putting it off for years, but I have finally decided to start attending Al-Anon meetings. My first one is tonight and I'm going!

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

My pleasure, Triciah! I'm glad this was helpful 💖

Yes I have done this when I was using. I would try to bring up the past and make my mom feel bad, to either get my way or money. I would play the blame game. I regret damaging our relationship, but we are rebuilding our relationship. I was really great at throwing truth into my manipulation. Thanks for these videos.

@alisondavis2931

Жыл бұрын

The one I used the most was blaming her and how I was raised on my addiction, because I knew she already felt guilty about it. This hurts just to admit.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

I have a lot of respect for you being able to acknowledge this!

@TYGZus777

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing this.

Nailed it. I feel like it's never going to get better. So sad!!

Oh man have I exp this - on the regular - for 20 years now. It’s the worst. I adore you and your helpful videos. So glad I found you long ago. GREAT GREAT VIDEO!

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

You are so welcome, Stacy. I'm just glad these videos are helpful 😁

My h does this often. He gets sarcastic and tells me I think I’m so much better than him. I recently let him know a boundary which made him go totally Darvo and big-time attacked me. He usually quits drinking in January (but then ramps right back up again in February!), so I have a bit of a reprieve, but I still feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

I’m so grateful I found this channel! I had no words to explain what I was experiencing with my husband. Yes, he could talk me around the obvious signs he was using!

@PutTheShovelDown

11 ай бұрын

I'm glad you're here, Becca!

Absolutely have been through this.. I can't believe i've never heard of Darvo. as A survivor of narcissistic abuse. And domestic violence and never heard of it. You're very good.

So is the objective to remove as much deception as possible by just telling them you see what is happening without getting into the arguments and, therefore, getting rid of the reward of manipulation and control? This way they can see themselves more clearly and without denail, right? Because in addiction, they are in denial about what is right. They begin to lower their own standards but if they can redirect blame on to us, they redirect the pain because pain always needs to find a place to land.

Yep. I get this A LOT! Your videos have helped me spot it. I’m still working on curbing my instinctive reaction to defend myself - it takes some practise after many years of this pattern! But I am DETERMINED not to be the bad guy!!

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Excellent!

I’m a counselor at a treatment facility our clients are on probation or parole. We’ve heard all of them. It’s an old vape it was in my locker from someone else. Same with liquor bottles and other substances or tobacco

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

It’s hard to hear the same things over and over and still be therapeutic

My step son who is a heavy alcoholic does this deflection technique towards me all the time.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

You'll be ready next time! 😜

Like when they say they need your help to stay sober when for 10 years never mattered what you did or didn't do they find an excuse. I can't help you

I'd like to point out that you don't have to be addicted to a substance to have a manipulative personality.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

💯

@carmenbrown3437

7 ай бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown You mix the 2 up in almost every video.

Omg, experienced this so many times already, I recognize it right away and call it out.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

It's good that you recognized it right away.

OMG AMBER...I have heard every single one of your examples. IT is amazing you posted this today. This week I just realized all this. Thank you for confirming.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!

The calm way you explain these testy and upsetting moments is very good.

@PutTheShovelDown

10 ай бұрын

Glad you think so! 😃😃😃

Your decades of work and expertise is so evident in this video. Could you please share examples of secrecy and manipulation around ‘I need care because I have multiple health conditions, no job, I have anxiety and where will I go if you leave me?’ Thank you so much

Boy this is cracking me up. Heard them all! You nailed it!

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

😁😁

🤯❤ they have a name for it! Thank you! Although anything i read online doesnt make it true... That I found something to backup how I feel because that's all you do on the Internet is find lies to backup how you feel. though we know I'm not getting them from just anywhere, but people like you who know what theu are talking about. Its exhausting. But your videos are helping I know that we can get through this but I need to stop reacting and set better boundaries and I watched the video on not telling them how you feel and that literally just blew my mind because that I think was the last piece I need to hear now hopefully he will want to get into treatment on his own if i can be more supportove withoit losing my mind.❤❤

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

You have great insight, Yuvonne!

I love how you break it all down! Your the greatest.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

I appreciate that!

he attack my weight gain ...very very hurtful. I am just over it my health comes first I walk away....second I need stay safe I lock my door.

Thank you for your great videos. You speak so clearly and are full of resources & helpful advice and examples. 👏🏼 And you say “y’all” which is the best! 😅😁

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

I'm just glad ya'll like my videos 🤣😂😆

I’m so happy I found your channel, it’s helping me tremendously!!!!! Thank you for sharing your knowledge, and in such a kind, non-judgemental way 🙏🏻✨💕

@PutTheShovelDown

6 ай бұрын

Hi Mo! Thank you so much for your kind words support!😁

This is exactly what I needed today re narcissism vs addiction and this explained the difference perfectly!

Thank you for these videos. And thank you Brigitte for sharing. I felt some of the same feelings.

@PutTheShovelDown

11 ай бұрын

You are so welcome!

Hi Amber, hitting home hard. This is so difficult for me to be dealing with. I'm depressed and falling apart from an aggressive son taking drugs.

I have more hope. The narcissist tendencies happen mostly with drugs but it does trickle in a little with other things. Mostly not though. I felt peace when you said that. I want to stick by him if it’s addiction. It’s hard. 4 years and he was completely sober for 1 1/2 as far as I know and was still narc with his medications. A tendency from addiction I think because I never stole. Anyway, just venting and sharing in a safe place. Lately he has been lying and habits are coming back. I also have proof because you know we all become master sleuths, lol. He tells half truths too. I think I may have a problem on my hands now. Buffing up here again! ❤

I am a prisoner in my own home. My adult son torments me and blames me for everything he has done to himself. All I do is work, pay all the bills, do all the chores then hide in my room with my little dog. He wont leave and I don't have the $1700 needed to evict him. Three day holds do nothing. Help!

👊Amen sister! I pick up what you’re puttin’ down girl!!

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

😁👊🏻

Your program is great AlAnon support in active family structures dealing with recovery or non recovery in the home. I’m passing this on. I want to thank you for addressing this area of American life that used to be totally taboo in the 80s when I got sober. Now I can just send the medical community to you instead of having to start from scratch in educating them without trying real hard not to sound like I’m pretending to be a shrink. I’m not. I’m one of those’weirdos’ in the AA cult, as some of them think. Life has tossed some very hard trials at me but I’m just a little less ‘weird’ than I used to be. My employers and later my employees seem to like it so God Bless America where AA began. Free coffee and the most amusing self help group you’ve ever seen. To all you active users and drinkers I say: You’ve been in worse places. Of course I have one last comment. I notice you’re always talking about the 12 steps. There are also 12 traditions that unless you work those you are not truly sober. If you need outside help, please see a professional. Thank you

I relate to all these examples!!!

LOOOOVE the name of your channel!!🎉 Best ever🎉🎉 So good👌👌👌👋❤

Thank you Amber. This is so good!!!!

@PutTheShovelDown

5 ай бұрын

My pleasure Kimperfect! So glad you liked it.

I now realize I experienced Darvo , just didn't know it had a name.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Sometimes, putting a name on something helps us.

@Susan_1

Жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown it does help😇

@itsme-vx6fg

Жыл бұрын

Yes, same here!

New to your page so happy to find you

I see my son getting really ugly to us. Then he texts and says I don't know y I'm so ugly to yall.

I let my 31 yr old grandson come to my home from an abusive situation. He is a substance abuser. He talks a great talk about quitting and i have taken him to detox 4 times over this last year. He just fails to follow through. We are 40 miles from medical support system. Everyone says kick him out but i don't know where he could go. Bad guy issue!

@sb4759

2 ай бұрын

You are scarifying yourself to the substance abuser. You will lose yourself . I pray you have the courage to follow others good advise. Hitting bottom can change peoples choices.

You are incredible - just found you! Fantastic xx

@PutTheShovelDown

4 ай бұрын

Thank you so much! Welcome to our little community, Rosalin!

God bless you Thank you Yes the Darvo I never knew what this was

despite all the pain and really not enjoying my husbands addiction... Amber, you make me laugh when you are giving those examples: it's like you've been a fly on my walls...! tragic comedy...

Someone I really care about is addicted to something I don't think he can ever come away from. There is nothing i can say or do to get across how horrible he makes me feel. he has stolen, cheated, attacked, literally everything you have touched on and more. this video is amazing and really helps process how it feels dealing with this but the knock on effect is so horrid. I know there is a beautiful kind person behind how cruel he is and I'm not stupid or weak, I know what I'm dealing with but even when you know they're out of their heads when they tell you horrible things, it doesn't stop it hurting..is there a correlation between the personality type an addicted person is drawn to and the kind of person that is more susceptible to addiction or is it purely coincidence? Is a narcissistic person more dangerous as an addict?

@HH-hm3qn

6 ай бұрын

Her videos are all so helpful

Your so amazingly intelligent. Thank you for you do. 🎉❤

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Wow, thank you 😁😁😁

My family kicked me out. I don't know how my family wants anything to with me again. I used to use DARVO without knowing the name. I had the ego that I could addiction alone. The first time I went to AA. I thought the people were weird and I was going to prove that I could beat addiction alone. I got humbled real quickly. My ego isn't a car, it's an huge alien spaceship when I'm using.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

I just love your humility, honesty, and willingness!

@jocelynnowen3078

11 ай бұрын

Lol. I’m in AA and we are weird but we don’t kill people with cars being weird. It’s an upgrade from a drunk. 😀

“That was from 6 months ago”, and I replied “Funny, you said the same thing a month ago.” 😞

I call it Hocus Pocus Switch The Focus !

@PutTheShovelDown

5 ай бұрын

Love it!

@JoanneMomsen

2 ай бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown, me too!

living your examples!!!

Oh my god you dropped some truth bombs❤ can u talk more about the difference with narcassim vs addiction

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Not sure if you already saw this video, but it's about addiction vs. Narcissism. I have another one coming out soon. kzread.info/dash/bejne/eqGnucmbY7Ledbg.html

@tatijai6913

Жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown i watched this yesterday tell us your theories!! PLEASE 🙏🏽 why do u think the its easier to tell in alcoholics if they are nars vs someone who uses something else my brother is an alcholic and i swear he is a nars even when he is not drunk he is mean but when he is drunk u better not even be in sight. But the other person im talking about thats an addict (sub abuse) i have a harder time telling hes also mean after being on a bender sometimes he jus rambles on sometimes about god and how he wants to prosper but i wonder if he is just saying that bc i always tell him i want him to prosper…

5:20 pm Atlantic time. OMG, word for word. Uncanny!

So just straight to the point, no fancy footwork, you sometimes are in a car and hearing "you aren't my effing mother" even tho the observations (not confrontationally delivered) were made over the course of the last year - like a crocodile at a watering hole SNAP you bit.

Amber I've experienced this first hand ✋️ I literally walked off feeling guilty for no reason wow

You’re on it!!

@PutTheShovelDown

10 ай бұрын

Thanks Kim! 😃

My son has done a great deal of damage to our property. I know he took a hammer to my car window but he keeps insisting that he didn't. He damages the siding on the side of the house and then will not even acknowledge that hes done it even though I watched him do it and he knows I've seen it. He does these things when I believe he is using because his personality changes.

@charmee4045

2 ай бұрын

Video tape him he can't deny that.........

Helps me to know I am not crazy and learn how to respond. My grandson who has been staying with me has said some of those exact words.

Im picking it up 👍🏼

Great examples .

Hi Amber, I haven't cbeen herevin awhile and I never heard of Darvo before today.

I really miss my gf. I miss how we were. She just came to terms with being an alcholic and she's trying to work on things but she constantly makes me feel horrible about myself. Blaming me for things, malking me feel nisignificant, or useless when I try to help. It's really hard for me. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for this, I am reeling from my alcoholic daughter attacking me a few days ago.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful

Nailed it !!!!!!¡

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Marian!

Your describing my life. My daughter does all the time.

Oh my goodness. Nail on the head with DARVO.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Megan!

When he says, yes dear..

He asks me a question on repeat until I break and ask him to stop after answering it the same way 50 times within an hour..I was the one repeating myself

I heard about the darvo tactic. My partner is the adult son of an alcoholic father. He doesn't drink alcohol, but he uses darvo tactics against me. 👍🙏

@ESumner

Жыл бұрын

Mines a dry drunk but constantly uses all these tactics on me. It has made me lose all respect for him and I’m coming close to hating him honestly. It’s the ugliest weakest personality I’ve ever met.

Hi Amber 😊 My partner and I have survived 25 years. DARVO is the acronim I have needed to know for 24 of them..Thank you 🙏

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

You're so welcome. Glad this was helpful 😁

Oh wow, so true

My daughter is alcoholic, we have temp custody that was notarized on her 2nd rehab visit over a year ago. She Darvos me all the time. She got home under 30 days ago from her last rehab visit and got so drunk had to go to e r and then detox and had said she would do sober living but is now saying no. She is gonna do it without going anywhere against. I need advice, do we file for custody, I told her when we were on way to e r if she doesn’t do something different I was gonna take her fort and get kids. She gaslights me all the time but says I’m gaslighting her.

Oh yes, my son, when asked about his behavior, he asked me when was the last time I had alcohol ( I drink whine or beer on ocassion but I have decided to stop since I'm older and need every amount of brain cells I can get) It was kind of rediculous. I have an older child who has gone through all the addictions and is clean now but my youngest child is behaving just like she did. Huge perspnality changes. He started isolating in his room three years ago and I thought it was just him becoming a teen boy but I now see it's possible that he has been at least smoking pot.

Great video.

@PutTheShovelDown

9 ай бұрын

Thanks! 😁😁😁

My brother calls me sick all the time when he is really sick

o gees I was Darfo alot😂😂😂😂 I'm learning so much...

oh yes! This is what is happening. I've suspected it but this is just confirmation.

I have decided to leave after 17 yrs. I have tried and tried. I am done.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

When you're done, you're done!

It takes two to tango. When my daughter starts all that reflecting, I don’t say anything because I know what she is doing and this tactic usually makes her madder

Word salad is a narcissistic response to accountability.

I feel like asking them if they had a drink or whatever is like micro managing them. The more you do that, the more they want to hide from you.

So true

Yes!!!

Sounds like my son exactly!!

Yes! My grandson.

Crazy 'and I thought. It was me, every time we talk , ,last thing I'm the bad one .

Saying I'm paranoid saying he has been to the pub, have I got a tracker on him, then admitting it finally and saying yes he did and he had great time and good laugh with friends now he has come home to me trying to start an argument and ruin his good mood😮

“My recovery, focus on you” hit home. My ex ask me to help him quit smoking ( he does weed, vape, and cigarettes ) when I call him out (nicely) literally just by saying “hey I thought you were going to quit? He got super upset. I then stop mentioning anything and told him I was tired of trying from my side and all he did was push me he got upset on how I dare I quit on him.

Hahahaha, oh yeah! He did that every time when I pointed sth out.

Literally this second🥺

Pro dependence allows them to be equals not not assume roles.. like two cats backing away from a run in.. This is out of control lately!! We have never been in this place And I’m furious.. why? Because my way keeps people alive No labels Just LOVE

Thanks

Never heard of DARVO!