My mother questioned everything I did and said to the extreme degree. Never being taken at your word and never being believed is so harmful to children. I get very anxious, overexplain, and then become angry any time anyone questions me, even friendly people asking friendly questions out of curiosity. It's an automatic response. Very timely video. Thanks, Kenny! 😊

@Lioness_of_Gaia

Жыл бұрын

I can relate. 🥰

@Xxxxxrrr6464

11 ай бұрын

Same

@leighanneboles4386

7 ай бұрын

I'm not the only one? Thank you.

@goddessvibes08

6 ай бұрын

I had a boyfriend like this. He's the one who did damage.

@mizelle4096

3 ай бұрын

+I also get very defensive when someone asks a question! I realized I was never believed by my mother (maybe both parents) mom ruled the house though. it even crept into my early adulthood.

And I over apologize too

@TangomanX2008

5 күн бұрын

Sorry to hear that.

Im a huge over explainer too Kenny. The shame when reflecting back afterwards really resonated with me. It’s obvious now I’m frustrated from being completely codependent with someone emotionally unavailable and projecting all over the place in real life.

My mother often gave me the third degree, and pressured me to explain myself. She also shamed me constantly for my behavior which felt like I had to explain how wrong I was to her so she would be satisfied.

My parents had hard lives too, but they did Choose to ignore me all the time, I can see WHY but it was not my job to parent myself then, now I have the ability and am doing the work. I do a lot better but it is taking years to break the patterns down and retake the power it has for my little self who is still wounded and always will be, but I can be friends with that and reclaim my self... you are right, I knew since I was 7 years old that I was on my own. Some of my dreams, OMG.

“It is not our pain.” Wow 🥺 that touched me

Great video. I love your channel, book and podcast. Your advice is helpful here. But actually sometimes I find whenever you might repeat yourself I like it. I think you are a kind, warm person and it actually comes across as enthusiastic and personable, authentic and lovable rather than overly cerebral and distant. I am happy I found your channel and resources. You have helped me very much and I often listen to you - on repeat! 😊

5:07 i hate this video and shut it off. now i came back and hoping the rest is less painful. 9:01 i replay every conversation over and over. I go to age 4 and my pain is blossoming and growing. 16:50 This is a great listen. Wow. ✅💯

I am so grateful for these videos of yours. I over-explain, and it gets me into trouble. Thank you.

For me, some of the over explanations are partially due to being massively misunderstood.

@ladylucid1169

Жыл бұрын

Or also attempting to reason them into wanting to hear you out. Trying to convince them why you’re worthy of their understanding. Feeling inherently below others personally as if not allowed accommodation or even reasonable excuses for anything not completed perfectly in specific way.

@anniefenn7323

4 күн бұрын

​@ladylucid1169 Yes, l hear you and can totally relate 😔💞

This makes so much sense. My mom and sister were very one-sided and needy. They would talk without pause. I desperately wanted them to take interest in me and my life but they were too self-interested to care about me. So, I overexplained to try to get them to hear me. I also felt very judged and felt that I had to explain my decisions and imperfections even the smallest ones to avoid the criticism. It was my way of trying to head it off before the snarky comments were thrown my way.

Great insights! For me, over-explaining came from being made to feel stupid. I had to explain the details before my answer was seen as worthwhile.

I think there is also over explaining when you feel afraid of someone’s anger. For example, not feeling safe to set boundaries or say no so you feel the need to explain your boundary or decision. This can be a conditioned protective response also learned in childhood akin to fawning used to avoid triggering anger in insecure aggressive people. They don’t accept simple a no. They demand explanation. And if you don’t provide one, watch out.

@co2-fh9xe

6 ай бұрын

yep, or they yell at you and then you explaining is considered an attack on their judgment anything you say will be used against you, and you try even harder but .. but .. but and at some point you just go numb and don't say anything any more and 30 years later your borderline girlfriend will tell you you use the silent treatment because she can't understand you are not silencing to manipulate her but because you learned that is the only way to survive your parents yelling at you without making things worse

@stephanielane6863

2 ай бұрын

I don't think it's just from childhood. It can be from adolescent too.

I never knew that this video , is what I needed my whole life. Thank you soooo much ❣️

My parents were like that also. They would just sit in their favorite chairs and tune everyone else out especially eachother. They never disgust anything Infront of us kids. There was very little family conversation going on in our house.

@warriormanmaxx8991

10 күн бұрын

*discussed

@lynny5908

4 күн бұрын

Sorry for the typo, thanks for the correction

Also, I’m 40 and finally feeling that there is an adult inside me who can calm my wounded inner child. It’s like an awakening of a little confidence idk.

Thank you. Sometimes when I’m going through a lot, I have been tuned out. It’s so hard to be present. I see my poor daughter over explaining trying to get me to be there. I feel so bad. I apologize and tell her it’s not her that I’m tired or have some things going on. I need a little time and I will be more available soon. I’ve been grieving some tough losses and I’m trying to balance it with taking care of her needs. I’m so tired.

@stefaniakonstantinidou981

16 күн бұрын

Pray and you ll get the power

(Thank for all the healing that you've done)

This personal stories are so helpful to me, because i see myself in it, also helps me remember my own stories, as well as giving myself permission to experience it.

My heart breaks when I notice that my inner child starts exaggerating and even making up fantastic stories just to get noticed. To be noticed I had to resort to extremes. Over-explaining to random strangers has been extremely uncomfortable for me and them. I feel the pain of strangers over-explaining and just want to stop them and say - "you're okay, you can just be, you don’t have to frantically convince me to like you." Feels good to be a human being and not a human doing or impressing.

6:47-6:57 This is honestly an amazing insight. Sometimes I'm feel so embarrassed and ashamed of how I have acted I want to fall into a victim mindset, because than I could have an excuse for not having control. That isn't healthy, and I must be able to own up and fix my genuine faults. What you described makes sense, since it's the reverse. To be constantly ignored by your parents must be painful, and would make you feel powerless. So it makes sense why a young child would blame himself, so he then would feel he has power, and therefore he thinks he can change things. Wherein really in this situation he is innocent, and his parents did the wrong. I have definitely over-explained and over-apologized in the past. I got work to do.

Oh my word, you are one of the only people that verbally expressed what I recently learned by intense introspection/self-analysis (something I have lots of experience with, unfortunately) - blaming ourselves gives us a measure of power. Because feeling at the mercy of others seems to magnify the sense of shame, rejection, & powerlessness. And if self-blame was reinforced by those around us (especially in our formative years) by their blaming us as well for whatever was going wrong at the time, then that is often going to become our *default setting* (for lack of better words) when faced with this sort of suffering.

I instantly subscribed when I heard your voice. Thank you for being you 👍

@kennyweiss

4 ай бұрын

Wow, thank you

Knowing how to weave in and out of these emotional states is huge! Definitely something I'd never considered. I love talking to my little self. I sit side by side with her on a set of porch stairs.

Your content is awesome

Oh no.. I do that same thing. I over explain so much.

Excellent podcasts. I just want to say you are an extremely elegant well dressed man. Love your style

I'm an unemotional person, and this made me feel emotional, damn

Thank you Kenny 💜

Omg this is absolutely true ❤😮

❤️Thank you so much for making these videos!!!❤️

This is such a helpful video... thank you!!!

Thank You For 🔯 Your Service 🌞🌈

Wow. A heartfelt thankyou for this video.

Excellent! Now I know why I over explain! Thank you!

You are spot on Kenny on many things. Never heard things explained this way before . Kids need to hear this. ❤

Seeing this video at a great time. Seen the KZread short version first

Thank u!! ❤

@kennyweiss

8 ай бұрын

You're welcome 😊

THANKS I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS SOME TIMES I OVER EXPLAIN THINGS AND DIDN'T KNOW WHY .👍👍🤗

Thanks.. I often over explain myself... Will try these suggestions.

The bonus tip was especially useful tool I think, especially as I think about stepping into potentially contentious discussions or topics with my ex wife about kid stuff. I turn into this blithering mess trying to explain myself and she gets increasingly demanding the more I talk and just tears everything apart that I’ve prepared to say. It makes setting boundaries almost impossible with her too, because then I feel compelled or manipulated into over explaining boundaries so that she can just ignore them and abuse me even more since she sees the boundaries as new buttons to push.

@dampergoldenrod4156

11 ай бұрын

Your sick nasty wife no doubt goes out in public and starts this garbage with other men.. your problem has become a problem for society in general.

Love your videos, appreciate ❤

@kennyweiss

9 ай бұрын

Glad you like them!

You are a sweetheart! Great advice for an over explainer like me! I was always kind of wondering, what it was all about, when it came out again- sideways, upside down, and sometimes even backwards. So now I know! And I know what to do about it. Thank you

Thanks...for caring, sharing, being compassionate. Same here pretty much...GodBless youvery much😇

@kennyweiss

5 ай бұрын

You are so welcome

Thanks for these tips. I realize I do this in speech and text. Of late I feel like others tune me out or answer with short responses. Recently I was on the phone with a friend who dozed off while I was talking. He said he was tired. But I accept I have the tendency to ramble.I then end up feel ashamed. I'm going to try to be more conscious of striking a balance.

Hi Kenny! Really great, enlightening video! I was wondering what advice you might have when the people in your life are insisting that you DO keep over-explaining and over-sharing, to the point where if you keep perfectly normal things private, they accuse you of pulling away, keeping secrets, actively deciding to become unavailable. I’ve felt so much more at peace internally since guarding myself more against doing those things, but now I’m being attacked, or those around me are making themselves into victims of my own “emotional neglect” and it’s just so confusing. I’ve felt extremely present with them, before they brought this up (and it was brought up in SUCH a confrontational way), but they’re saying it’s all fake, it’s not enough, I’ve pushed them away, etc etc etc. please, if you have any advice, I’d be so grateful for it. (For clarity, it’s not a parent, but sibling) also, would you say that that’s codependent behaviour? Enmeshed behaviour? I’m really trying to parse through what’s going on.

Sorry, but I was thinking, "Kenny is not succinct." But always self aware and same area, different outfit and still matching. Too adorable! On a serious note, I've tried to remember the event of origin of a feeling. Even in meditation or before I go to sleep. It doesn't come up. And I know I have a lot of memories but can't access

Thank you -found your video while looking for content on over explaining and it’s the best content,explaining everything in such a kind trauma informed and supportive manner. Thank you.🙏

@kennyweiss

6 ай бұрын

You are very welcome. I’m happy that it helped you.

@poliapashalieva115

6 ай бұрын

Something I want to add , is that actually this trait of over explaining (which many call toxic ) has in fact helped many grow into teachers, healers, speakers where detail and understanding is highly valued and needed, the ability to say something in many different ways to be understood is essential. And that is so visible and felt in your video. Thank you for your work 🙏

Ditto

Is that the same reason for oversharing ?

❤

How do you know where it is in your body?

💚

~PAUSE~~

This is untrue... the need to explain can come from constantly being accused and it can happen later in life such as the teen years encountering teachers or police or bullies it does not have to originate with parents

@jessicadah-mk8up

11 ай бұрын

You can also be constantly accused of things you didn’t do by a parent as well who never believed you so you’re constantly trying to prove yourself.

Who is explaining, I am telling you what I want , it will come through HSBC legal HONG KONG or The American power companies and some will dearly pay for this mostly in US and UK.

👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

I don't believe over-explaining initiates or originates with a parent it comes from an experience where someone demands that you explain something whether you were young in life or whether you were mentally broken but that does not mean it has to start with a parent at a very early age

@DrPhilGoode

9 ай бұрын

Sorry..but one random experience doesn’t result in a lifetime of a specific speech habits. This is well documented.

as speaking, he is overexplaining ;-) No?

No comment 😂😂

🖤