I like to say "you don't complete me, you ENHANCE me" - I agree that you need to be your own complete person first. In the wise words of Cher, men (or any gender) are like dessert. You don't need it, and your meal is complete without it, but it sure as hell tastes good. Thanks for the video Jonathan!

I was in a codependent relationship for over 10 years. I did EVERYTHING - all chores were on me, I worked fulltime, all emotional labor and all emotional support was on my shoulders while getting none in return. He would come home, hold up a hand to get a plate of food handed to him and that would be the end of his contribution to our life. Ended up in a burnout for 10 months after I finally found the strength to leave that relationship Of course only to end up in a relationship where I was heavily mentally and emotionally abused. I knew what was happening, but I still didnt have the strength to leave. Most times I felt like it would have been literally easier for me to chop off my right arm than to leave that relationship. When I did finally manage to escape, I was single for a year and then met a guy who was (and still is) awesome, but I ended up getting panic attacks, feeling trapped, having nightmares and overall going into panic mode. I didnt realise why I was getting these feelings until after we broke up. Truth is, he didnt NEED me, so I felt incredibly insecure and fearful and the relationship just didnt feel real to me. Thinking back, I discovered myself making the same mistakes all over again (having no boundaries, no sense of self-preservation, putting his needs way before mine and having a STRONG feeling that if I am not needed by someone, I am not worth being in a relationship with). I am now hell-bent on remaining single. I'll be getting therapy starting in a month from now to untangle some of those past issues and hopefully get rid of the nightmares and panic attacks. I will not get into another relationship until I get rid of that deep feeling "I need to be needed". Because as long as I have that, any healthy relationship will feel incomplete or fake, and I can't trust a non-fake-feeling relationship not to turn toxic again. And truthfully, if that doesnt happen, I am happy to remain single for a looooong time. It just feels so blessedly quiet, unburdened and safe to be alone, I am in no hurry to change that.

I had a string of boyfriends, at one point in my, life where they leaned heavily on me and expected me to make all the decisions, do the emotional labor, and kind of be their mom as well as their girlfriend. At first, because I was young and had been an abused child, I just fell into 'caretaker mode' because I thought that was how relationships just were. As I got older and more self-assured, I bailed fast when the first sign of 'mommy syndrome' would manifest. It's nice to support and help others, it's nice to be able to give advice, be there for people, etc. But, when it turns into you being their unpaid therapist/mother/maid/emotional support/cheerleader 24 hours a day, it's exhausting. I have a bar for relationships now, all of them, from friends on - the rule is: If every time I spend time with a particular person, I am exhausted, irritable, and just want to be left alone - that person is not healthy for me. If spending time with someone makes me happy, inspired, or just feel content, then that person is healthy for me and I can allow myself to form a relationship with them. Always watching my energy levels with people is how I keep myself out of co-dependent relationships these days.

@Ysabea

2 жыл бұрын

Very well said! I also do the same. And honestly, getting rid of people that exhaust you makes you feel a lot better. Just focus on the people that nurture you.

@moonknight4053

2 жыл бұрын

If they had problems and u bailed that ain’t good, lots of guys don’t bail when they see bad signs, a lot of times guy will not leave you behind. Did you at least give them a talk before u “bailed”? Sorry but reading what u said was just hella mean. I dated a girl with bad tendencies worst then what u said, it ended badly but I stuck it out..

@sylestialflower

2 жыл бұрын

@@moonknight4053 I didn't read it that way at all. I'm only speculating, but it doesn't sound (to me) like she ghosted them or anything like that. It sounds like she's saying that she ended the relationship in the early stages before things got too serious once she realized that person wasn't right for her. Regardless, she's not obligated to stick it out, be a martyr, or emotionally support anyone if she doesn't want to, especially if the only reason for doing so is to seem like a "nice person". It's actually kinder (in my opinion) to end a bad relationship early on to avoid resentment, verbal/emotional/physical abuse, etc., allowing both parties to find a good match. 😊

@Doctor.Dentista

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah well, I’m sure when you first met your boyfriends, you were happy with the relationships. Then later, you realize they’re too needy

@madarasamanta2494

2 жыл бұрын

I had that type of bf too (dunno how that happened but in the end I realised that this is getting out of hand). I mean like it was nice to be needed but I kind of hoped that he could do things by himself hoped that it will change but you know…. Totally get you and you did the right thing. You have to remove yourself from that situation. That’s really good that you realised it and you know that you want something better for yourself…

I have been in two abusive relationships in the past. What got me out was other people telling me this isn't normal. This is key in my book have a healthy support system that has your best interest in mind. Also don't ignore red flags because you think you can love them out of it.

Going into this fully conscious that this will call my partner and me out. A lot. Let's see then... Edit: turned out we had a wrong perception of it. We're depending on each other and both like feeling needed by each other. Btw, we love watching these together and discuss our relationship based on the info :)

@ange76prkr

2 жыл бұрын

That's really healthy! It's good to feel needed sometimes. It sounds like you have rock solid communication.

Amazingly I've never been in a romantic codependent relationship, but I've had friendships that felt a bit codependent. I'm guilty of being a workaholic and taking on a lot at work. I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents I always had to perform perfectly for. I got pretty sick of it later in life.

10:21 - yes - a whole other video on saying yes to everything and everyone especially at work but other areas too, would be great. Good video. Thanks.

I never considered myself to be in a codependent relationship til I saw this video. So much of what was said felt like hitting the nail on the head. I literally said to him the other day that I feel like he is looking to me for emotional support and I just have nothing left to give. What can couples do to shift this kind of dynamic? He has since been extra nice to me and hasn't been piling all his emotions on to me like he usually would, but it might just be a matter of time before old habits come back.

If it's my fault then I am safe. If it's not, I'm not just in danger of being alone - I'm physically in actual danger.

I was in a codependent relationship for less than a year, and it taught me a lot about what I'm really looking for in terms of a relationship or marriage. There were a lot of insecurities on my end that I wasn't aware of - and I didn't realize it until after I broke up with the guy. Clinginess is my biggest issue, as I haven't had the positive male attention from my own father growing up - also, good husbandry was not modeled correctly. So when manipulative guy showed up, it felt like love, even though his mind-twisting approach was hurting me in more ways than one. In recent history, I tended to have codependent tendencies with friends, but I've been working on not being too clingy with people or trying to control what they do or whether they stay in my life. And before I enter any relationship, I'd rather build a friendship with a man first while working on myself - last thing I want to do is bring my baggage into the relationship and ruin everything.

Thank you. I have been only seeing a lot of content on people being too distant and cool and people saying that's mean, but the other side is being too clingy and depending on people. That's also unhealthy and people don't always need to be there to solve our issues. Great content as always

Everything said in this video describes my last relationship perfectly. My ex depended on me for everything and couldn't function without me, and for a long time myself, I couldn't function without them. Their needs were so demanding that they would need to call every night and have "facetime sleepovers" even on nights when I'd get back from work after 10pm and I just wanted some me time. As a junior in high school and also working a part time job, it was exhausting. As I gained more independence and confidence in myself, I started to recognize how unhealthy our relationship was, but I needed to be needed. At that point, it was my entire purpose and I'd lost myself. When I expressed my need to take care of myself, they'd break down. At the point when I asked to go on a break, I'd isolated myself from all my old friends so much that I had no one to sit with at lunch anymore and I spent my days at school alone. After I finally ended it and broke up with them, they refused to accept it and blamed all of their issues on their recently diagnosed bipolar disorder. "I only disrespected you and violated all your boundaries because I'm not on meds yet, it's not my fault." They've even tried to get my sister to talk to me about forgiving them even after I've blocked them on every form of social media they can reach me on. And going into this new season of marching band, which they're also a part of in a few weeks, I'm really fearful of what they might do in person. I really wish I'd have seen a video like this before things got so bad, but seeing it now validates my struggle and helps me not to forget that I did the right thing by ending it and putting my needs first.

@jujutsucryin3256

2 жыл бұрын

I can understand where you're coming from. I broke up with my ex this year, who I was with for almost 5 years. It was incredibly unhealthy and I had a recurring feeling that I was under his thumb and had no control among many other things. The point I'm trying to make is they can only hold as much power over you as you're willing to give to them. They can react however they want and you cant control that, but you can control how you react to them. If you can, find someone who can support you and has your back. best of luck :)

Was married 18 years. He started getting this habit of threatening to leave over every little thing and getting defensive if I had any complaints, so I stopped complaining about things that were real problems. And I can't prove it but it seemed like every time I got closer to financial independence he'd lose a job and we'd have to move out of state for a new one. My financial situation actually became more stable after the divorce (even though I left with only 10K and let him have the house).

Permission to change "you supplement me" to "you fortify me"

@stephanieok5365

2 жыл бұрын

Gonna get /so many/ emotional gains

@Thekris641

2 жыл бұрын

Oooooh, love it.

This video could not have been released at a better time. My therapist and I just started discussing codependency yesterday. Thank you. 💜

I can see myself being codependent in a romantic relationship, if I ever have one. I have serious trust issues from childhood trauma so I doubt I ever will. I have a pathological need to share EVERYTHING. I have trouble saying no to anyone. I work myself to the bone and still feel shame when I can’t do everything for everyone. Because what good am I if I can’t help people. It’s worst with my brother but that stems from our childhood. Our moms side of the family was great. When we had to visit our dads family, it was a nightmare. There wasn’t a single functional adult that didn’t terrorize us so we took care of each other. Our bond got even stronger when I was about 10 because he was big enough to physically protect me. He has Asperger’s and I’m the only person he can tolerate being around for an extended period of time. Now we live almost an hour apart and somehow I’m still stuck to him like glue.

My question is how do you support someone in a codependent relationship, or any kind of unhealthy relationship? As far as I know, you can't make someone see things the way you do, you can't make people do anything, and the only thing you really can do is be supportive of the person (not blaming them, allowing them to come to you when they're distressed etc.) while showing them why certain behaviours are/ aren't healthy if they're open to listening. It feels awful watching a friend or loved one be stuck in a relationship that they feel they can't leave or who don't want to leave.

Some people started out codependent, but then realize that they're with an abuser. Unfortunately, not everyone can leave. Yet often they continue to be told they're codependent when instead they cannot leave because of finances or health issues. And you still need to survive in that relationship, so their behaviors may not be entirely healthy but ones which nobody would blame if you'd been kidnapped.

could u do some videos on how to maintain relationships w bpd? having a bit of a flair up and would love your guyses thoughts

Oof. As an overwhelmed Relief Society President in the LDS church, when you suggested that a codependent relationship could be with a church community, I FELT THAT

Saw this growing up with my parents and the one that needs to be needed never really got out of the pattern. It’s really sad to watch. And I’ve caught myself doing the same thing.

I really appreciated this video. Ive been telling my SO he should start therapy soon. I'm quite cognitively aware that i rely heavily on him, at least for physical care tasks and i worry if it'll start trending towards codependency. But he also heavily relys on me for instigation, planning and making things happen, so again. Potential for codependency cconerns me, but being able to recognize it now means we can work it out, like we do everything else.

It's a tad uncomfortable to realise that my default state is to be the needed half of a relationship... I need to work on that. Worst part is that I do it even when I'm pushed to not be that. Time to work on that with my therapist.

My parents, in particular my mother is codependent on my dad, who tbh just kinda is distant and introverted. I unfortunately suffer from codependency from that environment and that allowed me to allow verbal abuse and boundary crossing in a lot of my relationships because I was.....I am afraid to be alone, but now instead of looking for people I tend to push them away now because I don't want to be a burden on anyone, friends, family, and yeah relationships aren't even on the table, I can't imagine having a woman dealing with me, or push that onto them. So I stay alone and just kinda struggle to exist. I have one platonic female friend that is nice because I love and respect her as a friend enough to not try to get her to fix me or take it on, so I guess that is a start, or I dunno maybe it doesn't mean anything. My need to be needed or as I put it, sacrificing my life for someone else has always been something because I don't want to be hated by people, its not about worth I just don't want to be hated. It also stems from I don't think my life is worth anything so I don't see the point in living for myself. The wanting to be wanted stems from a physical sense, in which early on in my childhood I was rejected by a classmate that told me my face and body and clothes were bad and that I should essentially not be me, basically early on I felt only the physical mattered to people, high school and puberty seemed to reinforce that and then it turned into sexual wanting in which I was invisible to everyone throughout school. A lack of self worth, along with taking on the emotional state of my mother as my burden, just made it worse and it doesn't help that im extremely indecisive as well. So I just don't interact with people.

Such a great discussion. We worked with Jessica and she's phenomenal!

I have the exact opposite problem from this. I am very avoidant. Fortunately my boyfriend knows this & is very kind about it However, I do tend to push my needs aside for others in certain situations. For example, I tend to try to behave in a way that others want me to because I mask so much

I just talked about this exact issue yesterday with my therapist and now this video I-- I had so many realizations and "Aha!"-moments, thank you so much! Imma talk about this with my therapist next time :)

I feel so called out XD I'm definitely a "need to be needed" type of person 😅

I was also codependent for many years, not in regards to a specific person, but romance and relationships in general, always needing some person of romantic interest to make my life feel interesting. Also, your Cinema Therapy channel has actually helped me a lot with this! I think it is amazing, both Mended Light and Cinema Therapy, how you put content for free on KZread that really helps people. Thank you so much🌸

I have the opposite problem, I don’t want anyone to need me and I don’t want to need anyone. But have no fear, my therapist and I are working on this at the moment.

Questions (if I may ask, hypothetically of course): What if an individual is in a situation where catering to the codependent relationship they have, is what’s keeping them safe for a time? What if it’s gotten to a point where one is blamed and encouraged to suffer silently, so the other can hold onto the toxic relationship they’ve grown so attached to? Btw, I sincerely apologize if this is an inappropriate question, or crosses any boundaries.. Just curious of how someone could navigate such a situation as tactfully and rationally as humanly possible.

Thank you so much for this channel and for this video. Your channel is such a great resource with a soft and non-radical approach and I cannot get enough of it even though I've been in therapy for a year. Is there any chance you could discuss counter dependency which very often follows after you start getting rid of co-dependency? I've seen so many people being afraid to take a chance and try to build a relationship with someone who is open to communication and who is ready to accept your weaknesses and help you overcome them, who is willing to listen to you and with whom you can blossom. I feel ambiguous about my current relationship since I feel great, I feel like we are communicating and accepting each other and this person helped me through my depressive episodes, was there for me when I was both happy and devastated, and sometimes I am afraid that something might be wrong, that I am not fully healed yet, even though had been single for a year. Is it so bad to get into a new relationship while you are recovering from your previous life? How do you understand that you are ready? Do you need to wait until you get "mended"? I would be grateful to hear you share your expertise and thoughts about that.

Wow, everything you say in this video hits me hard. I wonder if I am in a codependent relationship.

@Mended Light. How can I be supportive to someone who is triggering to me? I have ptsd and bipolar with psychotic features. I’ve been dealing with those things for 20+ years, since I was a kid. I will never be “over it” but I have done a lot of healing and I’m in a place where it doesn’t define me(usually) and I can use my experience to help other people. I’m not a therapist or anything, but I’ve had several people that just needed someone that understood how they felt and could show them some light at the end of the tunnel. I have a childhood friend that I recently reconnected with and she is STRUGGLING. She has trauma that she hasn’t dealt with and schizophrenia that just showed up last year. She hasn’t found an antipsychotic that works yet. She keeps her horse on my farm so we see each other once or twice a week. She knows I’ve had some of the same issues so she talks to me and sometimes she just breaks down and cries. I’m trying to convince her to keep trying more meds but mostly just listening and sharing my experience and hope. I’m not in a great place with my own mental health right now and her pain is so raw.

I wonder if you could do a video (or videos?) about relationships where one or more persons in a relationship are disabled, whether physically or mentally (or both). It can be really hard for us to feel valid in even Wanting a relationship, and once in one there's often a fear that we may not be meeting the needs of our partner(s), friend(s), or family to the same degree as they may be meeting ours. Or maybe there IS a discrepancy in needs being met, but that's not something we can control because of the limits put on us by our disability/ies. So how do we reconcile that so our partner(s), friend(s), or family aren't 'getting the short end of the stick' so to speak? What are some ways to keep the relationship balanced without burning out either party? What sort of conversations should we be having beyond the usual check-ins and evaluations? (asking as an autistic person with the usual party mix of depression, anxiety, and, if not outright fatigue, a distinct lack of spoons compared to more abled people...)

Im gonna pop in to say with the "be able to meet all needs" thing, disabilities can hinder that, if youre disabled and feeling guilty because you *need* help getting your basic needs met please know that part isnt for you i promise ❤️ its for needs you can meet habitually and then putting that dependance on someone else

It's our monkey brain finding comfort in the familiar because the unfamiliar is unknown and could be worse leading to possible death. It's not rational but emotion isn't rational

What if your in a Economically driven codependent relationships? I believe my relationships often start being codependent but we end up balancing them out through conflict resolution. It still sucks that if we wanted to leave each other we can't because neither of us could afford to live on our own, even though we have jobs that pay better then most. Its to expensive to live alone.

This is great! Sidenote: you should react to Bojack Horseman. That show is full of codependent relationships lol

Can codependent relationships ever work out with the help of therapy or is it better to just try and move on?

@VioletEmerald

2 жыл бұрын

Good question

I'm a person on the autism spectrum and I have difficulty finding and keeping employment. because of this I've been financially dependent on others almost my whole life. Trying to force myself to work has lead to burnout and I haven't been able to be employed for 5+ years and don't know if I'll ever get back to my former level of functionality. I have no personal income. I have a spouse who makes enough money to support us both. I literally do not have the resources to support myself and if I were on disability as my income I still probably would not. This default puts me, and many other disabled people in similar financial positions, in need of the support of another person. Is this Co-dependency?

@moraynerblacksmith5686

2 жыл бұрын

Nope. It's a socially crafted vulnerability. But I don't believe in codependency either.

@ShadowclawFC

2 жыл бұрын

I'm also autistic and I was thinking about this very thing, since I know I'll also never be financially independent and still struggle with some very necessary tasks for living independently (ie phone calls, shudder). That said, after considering it a bit following the video, I don't think that's co-dependency. There's more to a relationship than financial or material support, so while we may depend on others for those resources, we still have ways of balancing out the relationship. If you're meeting your partner's needs in other ways, and both of you mutually support one another in various ways, then that wouldn't be co-dependency as I understand it. In fact, it sounds rather healthy.

@evolili4245

2 жыл бұрын

My brother is autistic too and has a lot of trouble with employment, but I would definitely say no to your question! Similar to what @ShadowclawFC said, I think there are different ways we contribute and are there for each other. For example, my brother may rely on our family financially, but we rely on him too. Personally he is a bit of a safe haven for me because he just lets me be without judgement, teaching me that social conventions are just that, conventions. So no again, we all have different gifts. Also, nearly all humans depend on each other in some way (food, money, social interactions..), I think there is a difference between toxic co-dependency and just depending on each other!

Jonathon u should react to the TLC show Smothered. Lots of Needy and Codependent Mother/Daughter relationships. Sometimes I wonder what is real and what is for the audience.

i have a codependent streak, which is funny cuz i also have a bit of a savior complex. but now that i’ve been in a bunch of relationships and a bunch of therapy, my baseline is if i’m taking care of my own life. if i’m putting my partner above myself consistently i know something is wrong. if i can’t break myself away from them i know something is wrong. ngl it’s hard asf fighting against my nervous system. fuck bpd.

please make a video about people pleasing behavior

I'm beginning to think I'm in a codependent relationship...we are in a place now where there's issues with trust, communication, and intimacy. It was about a month ago where she had disclosed to me that she has been involved in a emotional as well as physical affair. It has been going on for almost a year with a friend of hers she has known for a very long time. I can take responsibility for us being in this situation due to my texting others that I shouldn't have been texting and a pre marriage single night affair. For the past weeks I have been trying to finally take responsibility for the damage done to my wife and change from that person to a new one...focusing on becoming a better person, but the fear of losing my marriage over something I might say or do has got in 24/7 anxiety mode affecting my sleep and my job. She tries to hide the fact that she continues to keep in contact with him. She is going out of town for a few days with some of her family; thanks to this video for letting me realize I have some more soul searching to do. When she returns, there will be a very serious talk.

Codependency is a deeply rooted compulsive behavior. Many codependents learn it in their childhood family systems. It imo is learned behavior. It can be unlearned. There is a 12 step program specific to codependency.

On the Power of saying no, OMG you should do 27 Dresses when it comes to the subject. I mean for a silly early 2000's romcom it acknowledges how people can become trapped due to family issues (her mom dying when Jane was young and basically having to help her dad and little sister every step of the way) and then her need to be needed as shown through weddings.

I've been seeing lots of Boris Johnson/Nadine Dorries memes today and then this came up!!!!

Oh boy. I know im a chronic people pleaser. For me it comes from a place of feeling I will be punished in someway. Or that i dont want others to suffer like i do. Ive suffered for so long whats a little more. Type of thinking. I needed to stand up at work and say no im sorry i cant switch to working that day in the fall. And its all because of mental crap. So in a way i feel that because it a mental problem and not a physical one its not as important to listen to.

@jujutsucryin3256

2 жыл бұрын

Yes! I'm in a very similar boat and I've come to believe that different causes have the same affect. I people please because in my previous relationship I didn't' want to disappoint them or make them dejected. There was also an aspect of getting punished (he would stonewall me) which is now why I struggle with conflict avoidance and people pleasing.

My codependat ex wife sleept with our daughter bacause she was afraid at night. That lastet 5 years and the unconditional love was so addictive for my ex. When our daughter started to get independent at the age of 14 she wanted a divorce. Our marriage was a nightmare and I should have ended it many years ago.

I keep watching videos like this and thinking about a friend of mine. What should you do when you're third party to a situation like this?

"If I can't be of service, then I'm pretty sure I'm worthless..."-Encanto Surface Pressure.

My parents are very codependent. They have to go everywhere together on the weekends, which would be fine if I wasn't forced to be with them. We never have time on the weekends for anything other than errands because of this, and they even have to work at the same place and sacrifice their careers. Again, this would be fine, and it worked out for many immigrant families, but there's constant resentment, passive aggressiveness, and feeling like sacrifices weren't worthwhile. I don't know what to do since they're unlikely to go to therapy, and as much as I hate to say it I can't just "ignore them" because they'll actively sabotage efforts to go against their will by messing with alarms, stealing car keys, unplugging phones while they charge, cutting off the internet, and the list goes on and on

Can you also dive more into trauma bonds?

I had problems with being in a few codependent relationships when I was younger because of really flawed thinking and negative self fulfilling prophecy type beliefs. I actually remember thinking you have to be prepared to walk through fire (aka put up with anything) and you can't leave no matter what because how else will you work things out? Yikes. 🤨😲☹️ I wasn't in physically abusive relationships but they were emotionally abusive and I shouldn't have gotten involved because of that alone. I do remember feeling that from that experience I understood why people were in and stayed in physical abusive relationships though. I didn't believe a great relationship could be possible for me - both mutual attraction AND a mutually great partners in life - but also I didn't know how to create or maintain a good relationship - I thought to keep a relationship going required catering to the other person all the time to keep them happy (aka a people pleasing, self-losing doormat). I was in them just temporarily (because I knew it wasn't "love") just to not be single and alone for awhile (so I had absolutely no long term personal life goals or any idea how to achieve them), and I hated those relationships, especially over time, because they were one sided and eventually I got sick of it and left when something was finally the last straw - and when any of the good things wore off which was about 3-4 years. But I would be in multiple relationships like that for those 3-4 year time periods before I started reading books on relationship skills and self improvement, etc. The dating and relationship skills I'm learning from this channel and some other sources are so critical to life in general and something kids should be taught and or learn. I've made my tween nieces and nephews watch some key Mended Light videos and I got them each a copy of the (great, very spot on) Mended Light recommended book "How Not To Fall In Love With a Jerk".

Did he just pronounce angst like ongst?

Okay why is everyone’s definition of this completely different!? I just wanna know what’s wrong with me 😫

I saw that i went back to my dad.No more ever.

Our worth is in gods love. He is the source of all love we need to heal. It is very difficult to will your way to healing when you come from a lot of trauma. Instead of depending on other humans.....God is the true healer.

I think I met some Catholic priest that needs to be needed, and were controlling so everybody depended on them.

I'd love to watch this video, but I can't hear either of the guests well enough for them to be intelligible. :(

It's ugly when you don't even allow contradictory opinions to be shown and maybe debated in the comments. It wasn't the least bit agressive or derogatory, just conveing the most prevalent opinion on the codependency topic held in battered womens' shelters and abuse hotlines. That's called "stonewalling" I believe?

And that's why I avoid dating blondes

Very excited for this video because I'm still mad at my freshman year roommate for acting like she was a therapist after one semester of intro to psych (a class we took together and I actually did better than her in) and accused me of being in a codependent relationship with my partner-- all while the roommate in question couldn't even spell the word let alone know what it actually meant and really meant she thought we spent too much time together because we actually liked each other

I feel like my friendship of 20+ years is a bit codependent at times. My mood swings so wildly based on my perception of approval/disproval, mostly only from her, but sometimes also with authority figures that I feel neutral or favorable towards. Hoping to get better about this.