Jono, you probably won't see this, but I'm very grateful for your vulnerability in these videos. It is incredibly healing, especially because it humanizes you and makes healing seem attainable for those of us who aren't licensed therapists. I know I unintentionally put you and Alicia on a pedestal because you are both so educated and experienced, so seeing that nobody is perfect - even those that we imagine are - lessens the shame so that healing can begin. I really appreciate your honesty and courage.

I used to be strictly honest until one day a creep on the city bus thought he had a right to have me since he asked if I had a boyfriend and I naïvely and honestly answered “NO” That experience scared the shit out of me. I’ve learned that I don’t have to answer every question asked of me. Not everyone is entitled to all my personal information.

@tinaperez7393

11 ай бұрын

Yes. That creates an interesting problem. There are times when lying is absolutely necessary especially in life and death survival and situations and just basic safety. Like you'd lie like a bandit to the Nazis in WWII if they questioned you and you had something to hide or even if you didn't just to get them off your back (if you weren't a Nazi - heck even if you were). That kind of thing. Like Jono and Alicia say here - not everyone deserves your trust and honesty or has a right to it. So I think what they're saying is the people in our lives who DO deserve our trust and honesty are people we need to be honest with and work on trust and integrity with daily.

@bishop51807

3 ай бұрын

True, as a guy I was faced situations where I had to lie to literally save my own skin. It's no different than being a Undercover cop or a secret agent. I think the only real difference is if we have to care about the person, and they're not going to physically harm us then we should be honest.

When I was a kid, I lied to my dad habitually to avoid rejection and the huge temper tantrums he would throw upon hearing bad news. I was locked in my house until I was 20 years old and eventually got out into the world, where I went the other way and was way too honest and slowly closed off from others. It wasn't until I found my current online friend group that I worked out the system of just being honest, putting your best foot forward and slowly letting the walls down. Thanks to my friends I eventually worked out that my dad was gaslighting me to keep me in the house my whole life (see Tangled), and now I'm on my own and so much happier for it. Thank you for understanding me better than my dad lol

This is the first video that truly snapped me out of my apathy. I have reflexively lied for so much of my life and the only person that I didn't lie enough to was my grandmother. I didn't realize it was reflexive until this video where I thought about my mother and mine's toxic relationship. It makes sense that I was never accepted as myself so I lie to everyone. Thank you

My grandma once told me that she did not lie simply because it's too exhausting

@tinaperez7393

11 ай бұрын

I think that was a lie. 😁 I live every day when people say hi how are you, and I say good how are you? We lie for practical reasons that are necessary for basic manners and just moving things along in the day. I guess it's a matter of what we consider lies and what constitutes a lie to different people.

@jukori

11 ай бұрын

@@tinaperez7393 haha! oh, granny never replies with 'good' - she tends to say 'Same as always.' or 'could be worse'. But of course, I don't think she always tells the truth - everyone lies. It's just that she avoids making a habit of it :)

I can't get over how Alicia and Johno look at each other when their partner is speaking. I'm thankful that I have someone to model unconditional love for me.

@banglittlechan

11 ай бұрын

Which minute was it? 🥺

@victoriao7039

2 ай бұрын

23:34 🌻

I would like to add to the conversation the lies we tell ourselves. I have prided myself on being able to lie well, but that is because I needed to be a good liar as a kid to keep myself safe. But I lie to myself under the disguise of honesty, or humbleness, and the lies we tell ourselves are just as damaging. They make it difficult for us to fully love ourselves.

This taking accountability is beautiful. I'd love to see Alicia do this for Jono too.

True love isn't judgemental, or conditional of performance. Breaks my heart you thought you would be left because of that, really. I'm glad you're not in that place emotionally anymore 🎉

My go-to lie is the "I'm fine" lie, or to stuff my emotions as if I didn't have them. I'm working on it, but since I've had the issue since childhood, it's been difficult.

@pamelamccollum5216

11 ай бұрын

I hear that!!! I do that all the time because I don't feel truly seen or heard 😢

I literally just burst out crying when you started crying too. 😹 I lie all the time, one part is for my safety but the other part is just for fear of being rejected and losing love. I feel you. You were really brave to film yourself being completely honest about your past actions, that’s really admirable! ✨ I know one day I will be able to be completely honest about myself, just like you two are. 💕

When you guys talked about truly being love: I've got that with my dad in our own way and I don't think I'll ever get that with my mom. She has so many things she can't accept about me, that my dad would confirm the facts with me without judging me or making it about him or the church. It cuts me to this day; how I thought the person who says they love me showing me rejection and the person who showing themselves not to give love has accepted that this is a part of me and they can't change that about me.

Thank you for being brave and going deep! I've struggled too with lying as a people-pleaser after going through my childhood where I was devalued, dismissed, or sometimes ridiculed when I showed my true self or expressed needs. My parents were extremely self-centered and abusive in many ways, so I was afraid that all people were like them behind closed doors. It was so hard for me to take leaps of faith that there were truly accepting, loving people out there who would accept me as I truly was and be gentle with my flaws. I still struggle with trying to give people the answers they want to hear out of fear I will be retaliated against. Unlearning these things is really hard and it has taken me many years of conscious effort to make progress. Still, when I get afraid around someone or get a hint of judgment then all bets are off as my fear response kicks in. The prefrontal cortex goes offline and it's truly an automatic safety response that I don't have much control over. But I think the level of threat that has to be present is growing over time, thankfully, so I can be more and more honest. Again, thanks for this important video. You're both brave and this is very validating and supportive content for many people.

Jono, I see myself in this video: “Acting more interested than we are; hiding our discomfort in a situation; hiding our displeasure; pretending to not care when we really do…to get love or protect ourselves from loss of love, or to protect the feelings of another person. If I had a problem with somebody, I wouldn’t speak it; I would just take it on myself so they could go happily on their way, and I would continue to be miserable. What ended up happening, through hundreds of thousands of tiny little interactions, I developed a pattern of dishonesty.” My very first memory is of following my father and him turning to me and rejecting me. This rejection is my life writ large: I expect to be rejected, I have to stop being myself, I have ‘to go along to get along’, my very survival depended upon learning not to be myself, not to need anything, not to exist because my existence and desire for love was a bother for my father. I see now why I never speak my truths, why I remain silent, why I remove myself from interactions with others. It is a real loss. When my former husband returned unexpectedly into my life, I thought: here is someone with whom I unashamedly can be myself, because we know each other, and this time we can succeed. Only, Jon ended up rejecting me for who I am (the same as the fellow I had been dating before Jon came back into my life). I don’t know how to be myself and be loved. I was crying along with you.

Seriously, how brave you both are to be real and vulnerable in front of people. Jono, very brave... Very brave.

I have learned that my partner is someone I am safe with my struggles with lying. My core family often tell white lies and in growing up in that environment really impacted all my other relationships. My husband has helped me feel safe to be vulnerable and I am at the part of getting better at realizing that I am reflexively lying and will tell my husband that what I had just said was a lie. It is still hard.

I am currently in the exact situation you were describing. My partner has told me that he doesn't know if he can continue our relationship because of my fear-based reactionary lying. I found myself feeling afraid often in this video, not knowing if I can fully commit to making that change and being consistently and completely honest. Partly because I don't feel I have any wise men or women in my life that I can turn to. I thought my partner was that person, but because he is my most cherished relationship, he is the hardest person to stop that protective, reflexive lying. I really appreciate the context and the non-judgemental way you presented this video. Thank you for being a wonderful resource to me and so many others.

sometimes I lied to my dearest ones to make people believe that i'm "stronger" or more reliable than i was. but every time i felt so much better when i told the truth because that meant people could see the real me. i didn't want to double check if my close relationships were safe enough for me to be vulnerable. still work in progress though. thank you for the courage!

Absolutely relate to you Jono and this was actually a major issue, and probably the issue that caused my last relationship to end after 5.5years. My ex was so much like Alicia where she valued follow through and honesty more than simply making her comfortable and happy. I'm working on my journey now to patch up my flaws to make sure those things don't happen again. Thank you for sharing your journeys

Jono, Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this. This resonated with my own fear that led me to lie to my partner, and thankfully we have sought counselling together and learned how to be vulnerable with each other. I'm also really grateful that I was able to watch your Ted Lasso videos first, because it really drives home how being vulnerable allows for others to drow closer to you. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to drow closer to you, and I'm grateful to see another couple draw closer after vulnerability was allowed to take place.

Thank you guys for sharing this. Thank you for being vulnerable and so helpful and encouraging and yourselves!

I think we also lie because we have learned to hate ourselves and we are mistrustful of people. We assume they can't/won't possibly love us for who we are.

I have a strong tendency to protect myself at all costs to the point that I shame myself for not doing it harshly. It's why I lie, I try not to lie about important things. When other's feel they have rights over my autonomy is when I hold little remorse for lying. I used to be a habitual liar when I was younger, but now it's rare. I usually decide whether to advocate for myself or buffer outcomes.

We all struggle with issues of insecurity especially when we have some pretty spectacular people in our lives.

I used to lie a lot mainly to hide my depression and then anything I didn’t want others to know. The biggest thing I learnt was that I was only ever really lying to myself.

That's so ironic; the whole video, I was thinking you would both address Alicia's lies. As a fellow closer, I understand it intimately: "I'm fine. I can do this. I will figure this out." I think closers are blunt with everyone else, but we lie to ourselves all the time.

I lied about drinking a beer like 4or 5 times during the single conversation. We were broke up and I had quit drinking because I don’t tolerate it well. I was lonely that night and drank a beer then lied. I feel so much guilt and shame. He thinks I am a liar.

This video hits home, thank you for this! Recently I finally faced myself and how I would keep lying to my Boyfriend out of fear. Pretty much the same as what Jonathan said he did. Was terrified of being honest with my bf about my weight progress, if I was weighing myself, exercising, etc. Working to try harder to get my life together, etc. Then I thought I was doing a good job hiding it all so he never noticed but because my bf notices pretty much everything, he 100% saw through me. So once I was finally honest with myself and to him I felt really silly for lying at all. That what I was scared of wasn't scary at all and if anything felt good once I stop trying to run and hide and be upfront and transparent with him. It's still hard at times, I can feel the tug in my mind as I start to explain the truth to him. I hope with my self improvements that the bridge of trust that I destroyed can be fixed again. It also this video reminded me of Ace Attorney Miles Edgeworth quotes: “The exposure of truth sometimes results in tragedy…However! No matter how tragic the truth may be, it would be an even greater tragedy…to avert one’s eyes from it.” "It doesn't matter how many underhanded tricks a person uses... The truth will always find a way to make itself known. The only thing we can do is to fight with the knowledge we hold and everything we have. Erasing the paradoxes one by one... It's never easy... We claw and scratch for every inch. But we will always eventually reach that one single truth. This I promise you."

The worst experience that I've had to deal with is when I had a lot of male friends in my life. I've always been this way. But my boyfriend didn't feel comfortable with me hanging out with my male friends. And I thought that was ridiculous but I didn't want to tell him to get over it but I also didn't want to cut out my good friends from my life. So I lied and hid when I would spend time with them which would obviously make my boyfriend even worse when he found out. And my solution for this was to not have any friends. I cut out everyone from my life so that I wouldn't ever have the chance of making him uncomfortable...

Being dishonest was definitely something that almost destroyed my marriage early on. I relate to you a lot. As with your lies, mine weren’t scandalous things like cheating etc. But the dishonesty was enough to make my partner feel like they couldn’t trust me. It takes a long time to work on. And ultimately repeated dishonesty is something not every couple can recover from. There is definitely power in being vulnerable and honest (as you said with safe people) It took me years of work and practice and failures until I was able to be my real self with my partner. And our relationship was much better for it. ultimately we did not work out. But I don’t regret the honesty. Because as awful as it is to lose someone I love, part of the dishonesty meant I was living a life I didn’t want to be living just because I was scared of losing them. It wasn’t fair to them of course. But really it was terribly unfair to me. To put myself in a position where I am performing to some degree in the hopes of getting love. But as you said not satisfying love because it always felt like I didn’t deserve it. Because if they knew who I really was they wouldn’t love me. And ultimately that wasn’t true. I think they do know me for who I am now. And they do love and appreciate me. But we were also honest enough to agree that we would be happier with more compatible partners. Even If I had continued to be dishonest and never got caught I would have been miserable. And now while we are divorcing we are able to have open and vulnerable conversations about how we’re feeling and what our wants and needs are in the process. Something that is only possible because of years of practicing being honest and vulnerable with each other. Every day when I share something vulnerable with a friend of family member that makes me scared that the person I’m speaking to will judge me or reject me, it makes me feel proud. And on top of that, safe and loved usually, bc I’m mainly choosing the ppl in my life that are safe and empathetic and loving to be honest with. And when I’ve been vulnerable and honest with people who weren’t like that, and I did face judgement and rejection and hostility, while it was scary and uncomfortable I don’t regret it. Because knowing who in your life really accepts you as you are is so freeing compared to always feeling unsure about who would and wouldn’t like you as much if they knew you more. It’s easier in the moment to be what you think others want you to be, but it’s easier in life to be your genuine self. Bc the feeling when you’re on your own of shame and loneliness and anxiety vs the feeling of pride and acceptance and warmth are night and day. I’m proud of myself and of you Jono. And I encourage anyone else struggling with this to start small and don’t give up on it. It will take time. And there will be failures but in time it will come easier and you will feel better. It is healing for the shame and self hatred and loneliness you may have. And it also helps you learn who you are. Helps you be more honest with yourself too. And start making choices that make you feel happier and more fulfilled. And that’s a beautiful thing. Find the kindest and safest people you know and start small with them. I believe in you!

One of the most meaningful things i've seen. I identify a lot with Jono.

Thank you so much for this video. Thank you for your bravery, Jono. And thank you, Alicia, for helping me to feel less alone. Integrity means everything to me and it's difficult to not feel like the only one. Thank you both for being so real and showing us all an example of a healthy, honest, and loving relationship. I don't know if I would believe it's possible otherwise. The work you do means so much. Thank you. ♥ I am sending this video to someone very dear to my heart and I'm hopeful it will help that person feel less alone, too. 🤞

I appreciate how open and honest Jono is with these videos, but I would love to hear more about how Alicia's bluntness and personality has impacted the relationship. I feel like it gets danced around a bit but never gets the same spotlight as Jono's issues. Not that we are owed anything. It's just that these videos tend to have a "its always Jono's fault" kind of feel to them. Hope I am not projecting or anything.

@gracewalton5479

11 ай бұрын

I agree. It could just be that he feels more comfortable sharing online, though.

@FatimaCarabana4155

11 ай бұрын

I've noticed that too. I feel like he tends to get interrupted more also.

@tessjones3566

8 ай бұрын

I feel like a missing part of this situation was Alicia's response and how she processed things. Jono mentioned that she questioned if they could remain together after his confession, but it would have been helpful to hear how she processed through her disappointment and proved to Jono that he could safely share the truth with her.

@vickilenoir8683

2 ай бұрын

I would like that because I don't know how to do it correctly. Everytime I listen and accept the apologies, and we work on how to move on, either a few weeks or even days later the same thing happens or worse. It ranges from not taking care of household matters to having his license suspended to sneaking out and going drinking 200km away... How can I be present but not seen as a "pushover"? How can I be upset and firm but not a "controlling demanding b!+@h?"

I used to lie to escape responsabilities. I was afraid to appear incompetent, usually, or to be a desappointement. I struggled with this. I had the same reflexe to lie, even when I didn't want to. Now, I'm as honest as I can be. I value honesty. It took 2 or 3 years to become who I wanted to be :)

There are times when lying is absolutely necessary especially in life and death survival and situations and just basic safety. And that distinction can create an interesting problem. As in you'd lie like a bandit to the Nazis in WWII if they questioned you and you had something to hide or even if you didn't have anything to hide from them - just to get them off your back (if you weren't a Nazi - heck even if you WERE a Nazi you'd be lying whenever you're life depended on it). That kind of thing. And sometimes "lying" is necessary for basic manners and getting through the day as smoothly as possible. Like when people say hi how are you and you say good how are you? - to just move on. And like Jono and Alicia say here - not everyone deserves your trust and honesty or has a right to it. So I think what they're saying is that we need to identify and find and have people in our lives who DO deserve our trust and honesty and that those are the people we need to be honest with and work on trust and integrity with daily. And of course work toward being as honest with all people as possible, but within reason and whete it makes sense / is possible.

Besides my Best friend to help me break my bad habit of lying I don't think I've ever been more seen. Like every single word that John said I completely said almost the exact same words to myself after lying about something completely stupid that didn't need to be lied about. One nice thing is it's help me recognize it in other people and attempt to help them, I was good at recognizing who wants to be helped and who wants to take advantage of me

I am scared to be honest towards the women in my fiancee's family because of the critiques I get and the judgement. His mom and sister are both narcissistic and I struggle with talking to them in general. I've been living with them in their house for almost 2 years. I have adhd and that's a big point of what they bully both me and my fiancee who also has it. Another thing they use is my dog and cat. And when none of those seem to bother me, it's the teamwork and bond between my fiancee that we have always had but they never previously saw. I have resorted to staying in my room constantly and the only 3 reasons I come out is if i have to go to work/tend to the dog, they're not home, or my fiancee literally drags me out of bed. I do this because of their verbal attacks. It's gotten to the point where I am codependent with my fiancee and coming out of that mindset/tendencies in this setting is impossible for me personally to overcome. I recognize that it is unhealthy for me to rely on him for eating/cooking, chores, errands, drinking water, walking the dog ect., but he is the only thing I can find the feeling of safety in and until i get out of this environment that's not likely ever going to change.

It's 8 months after this video came out so this may not be seen, but thank you. I appreciated the explanations of types and why we lie. I've been all over the map from reflexively lying, being overly honest, to hiding information. Thank you for this raw, brave show of vulnerability. I'm also working on it. I love your story of being able to look in the mirror and give yourself love. I wish that for myself and everyone. Thank you, Jono. This was real courage.

@MendedLight

2 ай бұрын

You're very welcome!

I lie about stuff like friends that don't actually exist experiences that I haven't gong through and I don't even relize I've lied until I say it and idk why I lie I just do

Oh, Jono. As I'm sure you're well aware, the road to self-love is a rough one. I hope to see you on the other side of it.

I strive for honesty but it’s so challenging when it requires me to be emotionally vulnerable. Even though what I might want to say is genuine and loving I am so embarrassed by any expression like that, the fear is so intense to even create a situation where my parents might react with tears of happiness. I don’t know why I’m like this, exactly. I also sometimes find myself reflexively lying when my children are involved for convenience. I’m trying to conscientiously not do that with them. I don’t want to say “you can’t do x because of y” if that’s not true. And examining why I have that impulse has been helpful. Do I just not want them to paint because I don’t want to deal with cleanup? Then don’t buy the paints, don’t tell them they can’t because of whatever imaginary reason I come up with 😂 I try to facilitate the things I have previously thought would be good for them, even when it involves crafts with glitter, because I think it will help their development and not say no just because I’m tired. I shouldn’t be saying no just for me. Otherwise why have kids? Any time I find myself thinking “what am I going to say?” I examine whether my instinct is to lie about something. And try to figure out why, if that is the case. My daughter is 4 and has started lying sometimes. I know this is a natural thing to see in a child and I try not to shame her but I do try to identify when I recognize something as a lie. If she says I told her something I certainly didn’t say I’m going to (try to) say “you know that isn’t true” instead of saying “you’re lying/a liar” because I don’t want her to feel a lot of judgment or shame about it. But for her to know that a ten minute warning before bath is just that, and that her saying I said she could do x and not y before bath won’t change the reality of her situation, get in the darn bath 😅 Also my 2 year old has lied occasionally but more in a prank sense? He’ll say “I pooped” and then when I check his diaper it’ll be empty and he’ll go “haw haw haw!” So it seems more like a joke than a lie. I feel like childhood lying can say a lot about the personality underneath and what may or may not need to be addressed.

Here's the thing though we all want the truth but we give people a safe space to tell it? Example: not exploding on someone when they have something to say even if it's not in defiance, when its just their feelings.

Thank you so much for sharing. Me and my exboyfriend broke up because (among many other reasons) he lied to me many times. And I'm like Alicia. I'm a blunt person. I've never understood why people lie and it hurts me so much. And I've never knew how to protect myself from lying, gaslighting or any kind of manipulation because I dont assume it would come. This act was pure evil for me. Now you shared what's going on in your inner world, his perspective is unlocked a bit for me.

Thank you, ❤. I’m you, Jono. I have these struggles.

"We lie out of fear" As a trans person who is not out to their biological family, yes, exactly this. It's the biggest reason I'm moving out of state, I won't be able to hide the changes for long. As a certified "old": Yes, my untruths have been an attempt to avoid harm. I try not to lie, even by omission. But sometimes the theory that it's better to let someone believe a comfortable lie still beats me down. I've always struggled with guilt, the guilt that comes from knowing that "everything is my fault" "I'm the problem here" that kind of thing. I fought long and hard to get over most of that, to stop believing those things. To be able to look myself in the eye, like Jono talks about. Then I got married. And I knew I had to leave when I realized I couldn't meet my own eyes in the mirror anymore. I identify with Jonathan a lot.

This video was like an AED to my ever-growing apathetic heart due to feeling fake so I'll be accepted. Now I'm wondering if one day I'll meet someone and gradually feel safe to be vulnerable around again. Thank you!

I was a habitual liar for most of my life due to fear of disappointing my mom or getting in trouble or out of rebellion. It came to a breaking point in my relationship when I found myself lying about my drug use to my partner. At the time we were engaged and he almost called off the engagement. We worked through it in premarital counseling and from that point I worked on being more honest and truthful. That was 12ish years ago and I still struggle with being completely honest, but I'm a lot better at catching the urge to lie and consciously telling the truth, or admitting to lying after the fact, or consciously choosing to lie or hide something (because I don't feel safe with that person, for example)--rather than my previous default to just lie. I've made it a goal to live my life as authentically as possible and it's so hard but also so much more rewarding. That moment that Jono describes being able to look at himself in the mirror without shame... Yes. Yes. Yes. ❤️

@plantguy902

4 ай бұрын

I just told my fiance and the mother of my child that I need to let her go so she can heal these wounds because I feel as though the always being on edge environment I have found myself in has taken a mental, physical and phycological tole on me. What worked for your husband in rebuilding trust? How do you rebuild trust with someone you still lies to you regardless of why. Trying to have empathy but my self worth / sense of self / self worth has taken a big hit. Thanks.

Thank you for this!! I wish there were a lot more men (and therapists) like you out there 🤗

@MendedLight

3 ай бұрын

I appreciate that!

This video reminded me how it’s completely okay not to trust most people, because trust is something to be earned And that there’s definitely a bunch of self aware, mature and clever people who will accept me for who I am ☺️💕 Amazing message! Thank you so much!

On the day of his proposal to me, AFTER I said yes (woops), my husband broke into sudden tears and admitted to me that he had been lying for years that he had graduated from college when he hadn't. He said that he couldn't keep up with the lies anymore, and accepted that I maybe couldn't go forward with the marriage because of the weight of the lie. It was honestly one of the most beautiful moments in our relationship, it allowed me to show him unconditional love that he hadn't really experienced before. We sat there hugging and crying for like an hour, it was 100% worth it. He's made a point of being open and honest with me ever since

Jono, you are an inspiration and a sweetheart ❤️

Sam Harris has a short, yet great book on lying and it's definitely worth the read. :)

@AliseVersluis

11 ай бұрын

Yes!!

I can emphasize with Jonathan because I find myself reflexively lying to my husband (we've been married almost 2 years), & he places, what I feel, is almost an unattainable high standard on truthfulness (I often find him to be too blunt). This often happens for the same reason Jonathan brought up, when my husband asks me if I did something, I say I did & then try to cover. I also find myself feeling like I need to tell him what he wants to hear in regard to my family (specifically my mom & sister) who he really does not like. I'm trying to be more open & honest, but I still need to work on it.

As someone who lived 40 years with undiagnosed autism and gender dysphoria, I feel like I've spent every day of my life lying to everyone for survival. Now it's a huge struggle to be honest with myself and others about what I think, feel, and need.

Thank you SO MUCH. The example y'all set in this video is what i needed. There is so much healing here. Your bravery and honesty will save relationships and the individuals in them. ❤

lying is a rough topic for me. My dad used to ask me a question, having already decided the answer, and then hound me until I gave him the answer that he wanted to hear after which he would call me a liar, which by that point I was because he bullied me into lying to him, and then I would feel like crap for being a liar. So I'm very lie averse. It's a hard condition to navigate because lying is such a social tool and I feel bad about even kind lies. It's a scar that aches every time the weather changes. I sort of liken it to those shows where they catch a kid smoking and make them smoke a whole carton until their sick to make them never want cigarettes again.

I’m currently struggling with lying to my boyfriend about something that happened in our past and I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to forgive me like your wife has

So can we see Alicia's declaration of remorse too? For her bluntness maybe? It would be healing for those of us healers who do not get apologies from our closer partners. Many of these videos are Jono's attonment and Alicia's forgiveness...but we never get to hear in depth about where she falls short. At the end of the video Jono says "Alicia is the first to admit she has flaws..." But other than "I'm too honest" or "I get too many things done." Type things...I don't see it. It seem like humble bragging honestly. It would be so moving to hear REAL contrition from her.

Thank you for this video. My husband has done something similar in our marriage and we've struggled. It's taken us a decade, but I think I understand now.

I really feel it when you and your lady friend here say that sometimes vulnerability isn't received by the audience intended in an efficient manner, it doesn't necessarily mean it wasn't an efficient message. Sometimes it takes someone more emotionally intelligent in order to receive the message properly. Its literally the difference between talking to my best friend in the whole world vs my current partner that appears to be running from themself.

Holy crap. Boy did I need this. I have actually been thinking about this topic for a week meeting people online not sure if I should ignore a question or lie from fear of being unsafe. Or when a family member is a bit of a "karen" but wants to take you to a movie she loves but you dont feel like Watching it and that it could set off ptsd. I know I struggle with telling lies because i feel physically protected if i lie. Then i lie to myself and minimize everything. The lying and the experience. This has helped me so much. Thank you Johno for being so vulnerable and real. I admire the strength and courage you have to share this with the public. It really is making a difference. ❤

EMOTIONAL DAMAGE 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮 The reference I never knew I needed

Wow. I relate to EVERYTHING Jono is talking about here and that he's experienced. EVERYTHING. 😮🤔🤨 I identify with being a closer, thinker, dreamer AND healer and have a media addiction (although I'm not using it addictively here). And Jono has admitted to having a porn addiction. And that's important because lying and addiction have an interesting connection. In trying to get help for addiction, I've sought out resources on how to beat it and have learned a lot about addiction in the process. One of the many interesting, important things I've learned is that anyone can become an addict depending on the addictive thing and the conditions in the person's life and the person. And that addiction will make a liar out of anyone. Addiction turns good people (or at least people who otherwise don't normally do bad things that harm themselves and others) into people who DO do bad things and who don't live according to their values. If, like Jono and myself, you've already got a lifelong habit of getting and protecting patterns of lying, then you'll definitely lie like a rug if you have an addiction. So this video is really hitting home and something I completely relate to. I also really relate to Jono needing to work on self love stuff. No kidding. Same here. Loving ourselves has to come first - we've got to be the people we want to be / that we're proud to be for ourselves for first - we've got to show up for ourselves as the people we want to be first, before and so that we can show up like that for others. Healthy "boundaries" starts and ends with ourselves. We have to set boundaries and standards and values for ourselves that we practice and maintain so that we learn and practice not crossing them. - So we can become people who live lives of integrity so that we can be proud of ourselves. It's part of the three "s"'s of addiction - Addiction thrives is secrecy, shame, and self pity (justification for doing bad things and not living our values, standards, and boundaries). And how you eradicate, deal with, overcome shame is by overwhelming yourself with what you can be proud of and inordinately praising yourself for that. Something from the past that you're proud of, and or the smallest positive step you've done today (like just making your bed and brushing your teeth, etc).

It's unbelievable to me that this level of emotional vulnerability and insight is free on the internet. As a fellow 'Jono' I commend mended light for their amazing work. this topic is a tough one for me also

I struggle with honesty in mostly the same way as you talk about here. You doing this helped me. And, now I feel empowered to make forward progress for myself and the people I interact with. Thank you.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP !!! I Love your high level communication so soo much !!! You share being Foodies ! - But you clearly also share the Love of True Communication !!! And you are both really good precise communicators !!! And you got humor !!! That also make a smooth communication !!! It's very soothing for me as a perfectionistic communicator to watch !!! I can relate very much to Alicia !!! Since I was very little I saw how people was lying and pretending all around me. I could feel them lying - and the lying it self was hurting ! It was very confusing to me and I felt unsafe in this lying environment. Was I also expected to lie ?! I sucked at it ! And why ??? ... - why all this make believe !!! Acting and improvising are super exiting, fun and interesting when you are doing it on purpose !!! But that's a completely different deliberate situation. So I decided very early that I would consequently speak the truth as I knew it ! And I did and I do ! I will rather know the truth than living in a lie !!! Of course it's tough to hear the truth some times !!! But the intension of telling the truth is everything !!! And of course there's sometimes people the don't like me because I'm straightforward or blunt. But I feel safe when people are honest to me !!! And - I got an important radar that picks up on peoples hearts, intensions, lies as well as goodness etc. This is the primary way I navigate in this world ! I know I've developed something that was already innate within me, because of a lot of trauma. You can say that that's the positive side to traumas - if you learn something from them. Also, I'm a strange mix of a Dreamer and a Thinker. And I have ADHD with a Huge 'H' (as in Hyperactive). But I'll dive way deeper into this system. There are so many 'systems' that gives helpful perspectives and dimensions to us and life ! Anyway, I got carried away here ! I LOVE both channels; your Mended Light and Cinema Therapy !!! With Warmth and Kindness from Anja (Anya) in Copenhagen, Denmark, Scandinavia - Europe.

Thank you for this video. I struggle with honesty so much because often honesty got me hurt. As I am healing I am trying to become more honest. You video has helped with that. Thank you.

This was really great for me to see today, I love and appreciate you both so much for the model of openness you give

Thank you both so much for this video!!! I've mentioned in other comments that your relationship mirrors the one I have with my fiance in many ways. This is another way. We have the same struggles with honesty and this video came out at a time when I was struggling with having found out about him being dishonest with me again. This video helped me soooo much to understand him and why he was being dishonest and what the factors were around his dishonesty. It's so true that it started in his childhood when he experienced a trauma as the result of his being hones and it's lead to all sorts of self-loathing and feeling ashamed. Watching this helped me to understand that he was being dishonest because he was just scared that being honest or being forthright after lying and coming clean was due to his feelings of shame and fear of losing me. It put his behavior into perspective and helped me be understanding of him and his reflex to lie or be dishonest. Having that perspective shift has allowed me to be there for him in a loving, caring, and compassionate way instead of responding with my own fear and anger. Again, thank you so much for this video! P.S. It would be really helpful to me to hear about how, as the spouse or partner, you can react and support the other person in some of the situations that you bring up in your videos (like this one). That is where I sometimes struggle. I can understand him and what caused the behavior but then I struggle with knowing how to react and support him in his efforts to change his behavior.

Awww I hope my husband finally has this epiphany and tries to work on his lying

Crying with you through these videos , thank you for your openness, vulnerability and honesty 🙏

This is so beatiful to see someone so brave to open up in the internet like wow. Anw I can totally relate lying abt small stuff just bcs it's a habit. Thank you for this !!

Feel safe within yourself ..then tell the truth

Well jono, it sounds like you already faced the biggest fear by being honest with Alicia and you were able to move on no matter the consequences. What’s a few nasty comments on KZread from people you don’t know compared to that? Anyway, I’m glad you shared that story. I think it did help many people. I’ve never thought about doing something painful in order to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and love yourself, because it hasn’t come up yet. If it does I hope I remember this in that moment. I’m much more like Alicia. I’m very blunt to people and I have had to learn how to be tactful. It was difficult because I noticed people would get upset by things that wouldn’t upset me. Since the things I said wouldn’t upset me, I had to learn what the bar was for other people and adapt. Sometimes I still am too blunt for people, but I am much better now, and I talk honestly about what I like about others more (like Alicia has done) to try and remedy this.

Thank you for posting this video ❤

Aww Jono! Thank you for being so open. You seem like the sweetest soul! I know We all really see it and appreciate it.

I really needed this, thanks for being so open :)

Thankyou for this!!❤❤

When I was a kid I was homeschooled. Around age 10-11 I was trusted to check my own math lessons (but not the tests). I was really bored by math and hated it, so I would do a few problems and then just copy the answers from the answer book for the rest. One time my dad noticed that my papers were super clean, there wasn't anything showing my steps. I lied and said that I just did it in my head. He picked a problem and said tell me the answer. I panicked because I was sure I was caught, but then I actually was able to do it in my head and tricked him. After that I felt so awful and stopped cheating, but I still didn't tell my parents. I accepted Jesus's sacrifice to pay for my sins around that time and started following him, and I knew in my heart that he was changing me to be convicted when I did wrong, but I was still afraid to tell the truth. For a few years whenever I prayed I would remember my deceit and feel awful again. I knew God forgave and accepted me, but I could feel him saying that I needed to confess it to my parents as well. Eventually, when I was 14 or 15, I went to my mom and told her. She was surprised that I was telling her about it when it was years before and said that if I had stopped then it was fine. I felt so amazing to have that forgiveness, and I felt silly because I had always known that my parents loved and accepted me no matter what. I remember that story often, and when I'm tempted to lie I recall how I suffered in guilt for years unnecessarily. It's truly easier just to tell the truth and deal with the consequences than to fight your conscience and have these awful feelings to deal with.

Thank you so much Jonathan for being so open about your long struggle with lying. It is one of the biggest shame of my life. I am someone who wants to hide my failings and mistakes so that people respect me, accept me and love me. It is such a reflex sometimes. I know it’s not healthy. I now try to avoid situations that may make me choose to lie. I know this is unhealthy also. I hope one day I will come to a place you have come to!

Thank you thank you thank you!! I needed to hear this. ❤

thank you for making this and being so vulnerable jonathan!

Thank you very much for your honesty

Thank you so much for sharing. I relate to this so much, and it is so inspiring to see someone who has walked through this struggle to the other side of fear. This gives me hope.

This was amazing and honest ❤awesome video!

Definitely one of the people for whom this is helpful and healing, thank you for sharing 👍

Thank you for your courage and doing this video

Well... That was some great therapy on the way to work 😂 thannk you Jono

I would say I'm a pretty honest person but I struggle with these little white lies to cover up small mess ups or what not. They aren't significant at all but still I feel ashamed and really want to tackle that. Thank you for this video.

I think I love you guys even more for this

@MendedLight

5 ай бұрын

That means a lot, because it was uncomfortable for me to put out there, but I did because I knew it would help someone :)

Hello sir! I needed this and I believe I come from the same culture you did. This video and your example will change my life and gives me courage to keep doing the next right thing. Thank you!

@MendedLight

5 ай бұрын

You are very welcome

This couldn't have come out at a better (or worse?) time. Fine, I'll fix it.

This is my lying habits 😅 Its so hard to be honest sometimes

well dang now i know why i was a chonic liar when i was young

John ❤

🔥🔥🔥🔥

I learned that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, so I generally choose the option where I can look at myself in the mirror. That and generally my face will betray me, so there is that as well. Yes, I still tell a white lie now and then, generally to avoid drama, knowing that the other person isn't open to the truth or another opinion. And watching this, I realized that even Superman lied when he said he never lies. Or should we ask Clark Kent?

How do you separate being 100% truthful to please yourself and satisfy that need, and being selfish as a result of that? I try to think through my intent and whether I'm being honest when it wasn't truly asked of me -- kind of like the Liar, Liar scene "anything that takes the focus off your head" -- and also apply: does this need to be said/sites this need to be said now/does this need to be said by me? As an example, my partner does the cooking, and if there's something he makes that I don't like, I don't immediately give feedback unless I think it's going to turn into a series of lies where in 30 years he's shocked to learn I never liked ____ dish. Otherwise, maybe it was just an off day and pointing it out is unnecessary. If he asks point blank, I'll tell him, but I don't bring it up on my own. Similarly, I try to gauge whether I feel "serious" enough about something or if I was just in a crummy mood. If I'm still thinking about it the next day with some frequency, that's when I'm going to bring it up to discuss.

❤

I just kind of lying that I would do is in work places sometimes a employee usually a teenager would make a mess or break something and I just say that it was me every time even if it meant that I would get in a lot of trouble