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@christineribone9351

Жыл бұрын

I had an interrupter cut me off, he assumed he knew what I was saying, and came off with anger, aggression, and insolence because he had completely not heard me out. He was a manager interviewing me for employment. He completely railroaded me and he couldn't contain himself. Then he immediately concluded the interview without ever giving me an opportunity to speak. I was stunned and appalled. This was NOT someone I would want to work with.

@captainu.s.a.7980

Жыл бұрын

Yea,that is what I do...

@KarePassion

Жыл бұрын

The "chronic interrupter" is suffering from pressured speech. It is biologically driven. Those of us who have pressured speech are painfully aware of how obnoxious we are. The more we want to stop, the more difficult it is to do so. It is a common feature of bipolar. My medications helped me to manage this. Now, if my speech becomes pressured, I know that it is a sign that I am becoming hypomanic.

@christineribone9351

Жыл бұрын

@@KarePassion Sometimes that may be true. Mostly they don't care what the other person is saying and they're just rude.

@jimreadey4837

Жыл бұрын

@@christineribone9351, be wary of conclusions that include the word “just“…

When someone repeatedly interrupts or talks over me, I just stop talking and let the other person talk. Repeated interruptions indicate to me that that person doesn't want to hear what I have to say. There is nothing that I'm so desperate to say that I'm going to fight to hear myself say it (because the other person is probably not listening anyway.)

@Lynn-kh5rs

Жыл бұрын

Right there with you. I stop. I really hate it when they insert their meaning into what I am trying to say (which doesn't match what I was trying to communicate at all).

@jennywilson32

Жыл бұрын

The problem is that person is my husband.

@abcdefgq1816

Жыл бұрын

Conversations over Zoom are a nightmare precisely for this reason. I react exactly as you do but I get frustrated whenever I can't even tell who was talking over me. I just ask to the group and allow for interruption/response then I try to resume my explanation.

@jamesmcinnis208

Жыл бұрын

@@jennywilson32 LOL - that does make walking away a little more complicated now, doesn't it?

@jamesmcinnis208

Жыл бұрын

@@Lynn-kh5rs In that case, if I'm feeling particularly feisty I'll say, "No. Would you like to continue guessing or would you like me to finish?" Then, of course, I'm the jerk.

I interrupted someone recently who said "oh, one sec, I just need to finish my thought" and it was perfect - polite and assertive without seeming rude. I apologized and made a mental note not to interrupt her again, and also to do exactly that if someone interrupts me.

@cardinalgin

Жыл бұрын

With really good friends, you can even say, when interrupted : "Wait please, I just have a little more to tell you." and they will understand.

@mapicepla

2 ай бұрын

❤

My mom is very good at interrupting. She won’t wait for a pause, she will just simply talk over you, and raise her volume over yours. She will also go on and on, and it’s difficult to get a word in, so I learned as a child to interrupt, from her, and it became a bad habit. At the same time, I absolutely hate being interrupted. So this was good!

@justincase1919

Жыл бұрын

My mom would stop talking and when i started to respond, she would yell at me for interrupting. 🤣

@placid5583

Жыл бұрын

I feel you

@4everhealthwellness344

11 ай бұрын

I feel you, my mother is a HABITUAL chronic interruptor. Like I only get 3 to 4 words into a sentence and then she interrupts, talks over me and most frustrating, she jumps to a conclusion about what my message or thought is

As an chronic interrupter, this video is wonderful! I now know what to look for while I'm talking to give other people a chance to talk.

@angelabell7254

Жыл бұрын

Well I hope you are putting this into practice. Cos people like you are painful.

@dag118

Жыл бұрын

It is hard, especially with ADHD. Good for you to try

@isabellaleifsdottir

Жыл бұрын

God, I’m watching this to help me stop interrupting, knowing that I’ve tried my whole life and adhd just will take over sometimes

@kathrynberridge840

Жыл бұрын

A visual person, as opposed to an auditory or kinesthetic person will be the fastest talker and is usually the prime interuptor. As the world has become enslaved by technology ie computers, mobile phones, laptops which are all primarily visually stimulating, the visuals have become so wired, so much so that at times it's like listening to a machine gun. This is also why so many people now are reactive instead of proactive. What a diseased world this has become. Use all these Shackles less.

@grainofsand4176

Жыл бұрын

" A visual person" ~I would not have thought of that. Opening eyes removes shackles

My husband is louder than me and interrupts me frequently in social conversations. I respond by saying, "I'm so sorry I was speaking while you were interrupting." I say it playfully, but he gets the point.

@hope2029

Жыл бұрын

😸

@GoddessLaurel

Жыл бұрын

I like this one..much classier than the aggression of swearing at them, especially in the presence of other people.

@rabbeyaharoon8118

Жыл бұрын

🤣

@nancyellen8006

Жыл бұрын

@C. Clay I know what you’re talking about because my husband interrupts me all the time. My sons have actually stopped him a couple of times to say “Dad, you’re interrupting mom”. This has shocked him, but it hasn’t stopped him.. 😮

@kristineskinner6224

Жыл бұрын

“oh! i’m sorry! did i interrupt the beginning of your sentence with the middle of mine?” lol!

I've always found the phrase "will you shut the f@@k up, I'm speaking here!" works very well for me.

@janetgiddings5538

Жыл бұрын

😅🤣😂

@OrangeySky11

Жыл бұрын

I came here to say that very phrase! Works every time. ‘Nicely’ is overrated!

@lsimonson100

3 ай бұрын

😂 Chronic over talkers are usually rude narcissists

I have a tendency to come across as harsh when I'm expressing a constrasting idea to someone with whom I am in conversation. I don't even realize it. My wife would often simply put her hand on my knee when my tone of voice became like that. She passed away two years ago. I really miss that loving pat.

@margaretgarana911

Жыл бұрын

I’m so glad you had that pat. Beautiful

@proinseasnihanluain4735

Жыл бұрын

I'm sorry for your loss.

@nancyellen8006

Жыл бұрын

She sounds like a wonderful person who really cared about you. I’m really sorry she is no longer with you.

@hsh1950

Жыл бұрын

@@nancyellen8006 thank you. When I said that "I really miss that loving pat", it had a double meaning. Her name was Pat. God is good. He is my sufficiency.

@dimasgomez

Жыл бұрын

I think people are too sensitive to honestly put ideas. You have emotions and they come out. I'm the same, I express my heart and sometimes my ideas come out hot from the forge.

My lord I need this with my uncle. He’s the ultimate one-upper. Constantly interrupts to tell you that he’s done it bigger, better, faster, earlier.

@VanRants

2 жыл бұрын

Your uncle's a stud get over it

@fevb2685

2 жыл бұрын

Are we related lol

@CaliChaos99

Жыл бұрын

Do we share family??? LOL 😆 j/k a little 😳😅

@lyndamyles8354

Жыл бұрын

Your talking about my husband

@llsmcslllsmcsl4427

Жыл бұрын

The man I love is this way. I have talked to him about this and he said " talk over me jump in". You would not believe the amount of times I've tried with no luck. He even try's to tell me that his mother was the worst person in the world for never letting another human talk!

As someone who has been interrupted many times (by one friend in particular) I’ve learned to listen well, and when someone in our group is interrupted (sometimes inadvertently by the waiter, or someone they know approaches our table, etc) , I make it a point to remember what point they were making and after the interruption is over, I will remind them at what point their story was cut off, and ask them to continue.

@lakep7798

4 ай бұрын

I like that! That’s a subtle (and simultaneously pointed) way to communicate to the interrupter that someone was in the middle of saying something, and reassures the interrupted person that their voice matters. Love it!

An old friend would start talking and go from one thought to another, nonstop, for hours at a time. Not once would she stop and ask me how MY day went, what was new in MY life, etc. I brought her with me to a friend's birthday lunch, there were 4 of us total, and she knew neither of the other women. She dominated the entire conversation, nonstop, throughout the entire lunch. I tried numerous times to bring the other women in but she just took over. I had to call the birthday-woman later and apologize. I was beyond embarrassed and wish, now, that I'd given my friend a firm kick under the table. She'd done this many other times. I decided that all she really wanted was a receptacle for her verbiage . . . . a cardboard box would do. I finally just stopped contacting her and let the 'friendship' slip away. Don't people understand that it's not a conversation if you express no interest in the other?

@socalsal627

Жыл бұрын

I know what you mean! My husband and I frequent a coffee shop where over the years other regulars have approached us, talked on and on about their lives, and then walked away. We just look at each other and laugh at the fact that we know so much about these people and they know literally nothing about us. It makes me so angry sometimes that I just start ignoring them and go back to my book as they're still talking. My husband is a bit more patient than I am so he suffers through until the end :)

@armedwithjello

Жыл бұрын

My father was terrible for this, and so is my husband. In both cases, it usually stems from social anxiety. They don't know how to have a back-and-forth conversation, so it becomes an endless monologue. We always said my dad must inhale through his anus because he never seemed to pause to take a breath while speaking! For example, my dad once trapped someone he'd just met by talking for 45 minutes about grocery deli pizzas.

@musical1innm

Жыл бұрын

@@armedwithjello could be a temporal lobe injury ?

@janec1489

Жыл бұрын

@@armedwithjello Inhale through his anus! 😆 That's a good one!

@marti220

Жыл бұрын

How sad that has to happen. It might be a gift to be honest that she does that.

Many of the interrupting styles you described sound like my friends and family members with ADHD, one of whom is me. Interrupting is not always synonymous with disrespect or lack of interest. Our brains have difficulty with holding thoughts to share or questions to ask because new ones pop in so quickly! Sometimes when we're together we'll use notepads to jot down words from what someone is saying to jog our memories and hopefully be able to listen to your whole message. Then we can ask questions, add our thoughts, or clarify what we think we heard you say. This is because what you've said is stimulating our minds, and sadly many misunderstand how we process new information.

@juneelle370

Жыл бұрын

This is accurate! 🌟 when I get talkative I encourage people to interrupt, saying please interrupt me

@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane

Жыл бұрын

I came on the comments to say the same thing. Many times if we don't get out what we want to say, we forget it so quickly because of our terrible memories due to poor executive functions, hence we interrupt so we don't forget what we wanted to add to the conversation. Ugh, so frustrating! She also called it being narcissistic when people keep talking and don't look at the other person, and that is not accurate. A lot of people with autism and ADHD have trouble looking people in the eyes, so we don't pick up on those cues from people when they're trying to let us know they want to speak. Edit: I just wanted to clarify that I mistakenly thought she was saying that people who talk a lot are narcissistic. I understand now after another commentor brought it to my attention, that she said there are narcissists who talk a lot and it can be difficult to deal with them and get them to stop, but then there are "dreamers" who talk a lot and look all over the place except in the other person's eyes, that you can use the technique of touching them to let them know you want to speak. Sorry about the confusion on my part... did I mention people with ADHD have problems with processing incoming information...? =/ Eek. Well, at least I can admit when I make a mistake.

@elisemiller13

Жыл бұрын

@@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane I agree with you. It's a narrow view to say it's narcissism. Anxiety can also be a factor in not picking up cues.Also, there are cultures in which it is highly disrespectful to stare someone in the eyes

@l.w.4701

Жыл бұрын

@@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane ADHD, and also autism.

@PresAdams-bz2ep

Жыл бұрын

Great idea!

I think I need to see these role played. They seem like ways to politely interrupt someone who is monopolizing the conversation versus helping people not interrupt you.

@RachelLWolfe

Жыл бұрын

Agreed. I thought this was about trying to keep people from interrupting you while you're speaking. Personally I just keep talking if someone starts talking while I'm talking. My time is literally money, so I truly hate people interrupting me.

@JRein-do1pv

Жыл бұрын

Also with scenarios with your boss.

@rainysunday2386

Жыл бұрын

@@RachelLWolfe Exactly. It's false advertising.

@tikitribe5715

Жыл бұрын

Exactly. Misnamed video.

@denadajupe4047

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for pointing that out!

Had a boyfriend who completely dominated the conversation during an evening with my parents. After about an hour of trying to converse and being talked over I just left the room. When he asked why later (he was offended) I explained that he didn't allow anyone else to take part in the conversation. He said he didn't know we took turns talking 🤦‍♀️

@alexanderlyon

Жыл бұрын

Hi Melissa. I've seen things like that happen many times. Some people need basic communication skills training like how to listen, take shorter talking turns, ask questions (rather than only talk "at" people), etc. I'm always a little shocked (though I shouldn't be) about how many people don't really think about how they communicate and have almost no self-awareness about how they come across.

@Ad-Lo

Жыл бұрын

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

@camillakilleen7118

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for ur tips. People are forever talking over me and now I have ways to get these peoples attention without getting angry 😀

@fd4511

Жыл бұрын

@John Smith That's a good *explanation* of a person coming from such a background. That's not an excuse though. Everyone has a personal responsibility to improve their own communication skills, and not expect others to match his/her communication style. Even financially independent people need real friends to enjoy a fulfilling life. Friends should not be expected to be anyone's therapist with endless patience and forgiveness.

@fd4511

Жыл бұрын

@John Smith Perhaps your comment indicates your background. Life is big enough for a variety of choices people make, so if you don't need friends, that's your choice. My experience is that life is just more fun when shared with good friends, but I also understand that other people may have a different experience. Joy and money are only related to a point. After that it's all about successful navigation of satisfying relationships. As a wise man said, "magna vitae, memento mori." What exactly can we take with us? A meaning of life is a subjective decision, I believe, and our priorities are similarly reflected in what and how we invest ourselves.

I love how she instantly interrupts him 🤣

@andreciagl

26 күн бұрын

Yup lol

Unless the situation is dire, I do not use my energy to try to get a person to allow me to speak. They have 'told me who they are' and I believe them. I don't keep listening after a certain amount of time. If it is really necessary, I will speak up and over them and spend as little time around them as possible.

@eileensullivan549

Жыл бұрын

An older friend of mine once told me "Time is the coin of your life. Don't let other people spend it for you". So true! As soon as I realize that I'm talking to a self-centered bore who won't let me get a word in edgewise, I end the monologue and walk away. People who drone on and on and constantly interrupt only want to hear themselves, so why let them waste my time?

@vickienicely5921

Жыл бұрын

I find I desperately want to interrupt when someone is blatantly lying or getting the facts confused. So I hold up just one finger to let them know I have something to say. So is there a right TIME to interrupt when you KNOW what's being said is untrue or misunderstood without starting an argument?

I had a bullying colleague who would fire inquisitive questions, seeming very interested in hearing your point of view, and then invariably interrupt each reply with a new question. His interruptions were more like an inquisition or deposition than a conversation. He was 100% looking for control. I’m not sure I ever found any solution for dealing with him, except simply walking away.

@ixlnxs

Жыл бұрын

I am known to simply say "if you want to ask me a question, I want you to listen to my answer. If you don't want to hear my answer I don't need to hear another question from you. Hopefully you will understand this." I've said this in every language that I speak (I'm a Eurabian), to managers, staff and journalists, and if I do it with my friendliest smile and softest Dolly Parton voice, it never comes across as aggressive or assertive but as simply stating the obvious.

@alwaysrighton

Жыл бұрын

@@ixlnxs Wonderful! It is pure truth and fairness. There's no good faith basis for contesting that. Perfectly resets the dynamic to the good place it should be. Thanks for sharing. 😀

@AlextheENTP

Жыл бұрын

Walking away can be a pretty good solution! Wordless, efficient, gets you the result you need.

@AcmeRacing

Жыл бұрын

That often means that you weren't telling him what he wanted to hear. Even if your answer was accurate, he may have just wanted to keep you from saying it.

@AlextheENTP

Жыл бұрын

@@AcmeRacing In my experience, when you're not giving the answer someone wants, they will often either ask again as though they hadn't just asked, or insist that you didn't understand the question. I like your perspective!

When I was a teen, soneone told me that I interrupted people. I've never forgotten and always appreciated being told directly. You can be direct with a nice tone. I'd love to know how to handle people (usually female friends) who dive into too much detail that's irrelevant to me.. e.g., she went to her reunion then describes every person she met. Or go for a walk and the whole time is their work rant. I leave thinking why was I here anyway? I have more interesting interactions with my cat! Are they a friend when it's always so one-sided? Honestly I prefer talking with men.

@kimberlywills7219

Жыл бұрын

Yes! Same problem here sometimes! They can go on & on with detailed stories about people I don't even know, yet when I'm talking I feel like I better summarize and hurry up with my story. One particular person actually looks anxious, tapping or nodding briskly like a kid who has to go pee, lol! I can see she's just waiting for her turn and not even listening. One time I was at a little party of about 5-6 other people and I just decided to check out and stop trying... they were blabbering over each other, not even listening to each other (all interrupters, maybe? lol) and I actually thought, "I'd rather be home cleaning my toilet", lol... or doing something productive!

@proinseasnihanluain4735

Жыл бұрын

I know what you mean about interesting interactions with your cat :)

As a person who identifies as a recovering interrupter.. I find these very helpful for both sides. It makes me feel less awful about getting carried away, when people use these techniques than me finding out after that I was a conversation hog and they didn’t feel heard. Sometimes I’ve correctly or incorrectly considered people as shy and introverted because they let me do all the talking without asserting themselves. Personally I prefer talking with other interrupters because that way, we both get our opinions in.. lol

@auntyjo1792

Жыл бұрын

Yes, I stick to fellow interrupters.

@LoveFaithLive

Жыл бұрын

Just don’t see the importance of getting your "opinions in"; so what, big deal if one doesn’t. In my experience those who love to interrupt or always talk over you rarely contribute anything of consequence.

@PresAdams-bz2ep

Жыл бұрын

@@LoveFaithLive sometimes YOU just need to say something important!

@rebeccabriggs2982

Жыл бұрын

Wow you just said everything I wish I could of Yes I get the two interupters thing.... I grew up in a family like this and it was easy and no hard feelings

@auntyjo1792

Жыл бұрын

@@PresAdams-bz2ep And feel like you are joining in with enthusiasm! If I'm silent I hate you.😉

Saying "Shut-up", works too. Some people just want to over whelm you with cognitive load and highjack your thinking. I figure if they are not polite- I don't have to be . Walking away works too.

@AccessoriesAddict5528

Жыл бұрын

😂🤣😂 Love it!!!

@bocelott

Жыл бұрын

It can actually be very funny if someone's interrupting you and you just say "interrupting me interrupting me interrupting me" until they stop talking lol. Works well in a group.

@lynnehood2198

Жыл бұрын

@@bocelott brilliant!

@darrennew8211

Жыл бұрын

I find it effective if you're getting interrupted in a very small group of people you like (i.e., family rather than a work meeting) to just start over from the beginning every time you get interrupted. And then eventually someone says "you already said that" at which point you can say "yes, but I haven't yet managed to finish."

@LS-ek1fd

Жыл бұрын

You can go completely silent and say, “Go ahead”. That guilts the interrupter into shutting up.

Interrupting is rude, so I prefer to go with, "Excuse me, I'm speaking." It doesn't work, but then nothing works with the determined interrupter.

@AcmeRacing

Жыл бұрын

I've heard the same line from someone who's just interrupted me. She'll change direction to calling me rude for talking over her when she's interrupting me.

@waygoblue4729

Жыл бұрын

@@AcmeRacing The reply to that is: "Yeah? Well, I am SO SORRY that the middle of my sentences were interrupting the beginning of yours!" I think that's from Judge Marilyn Milian, but I've used it before.

@LS-sg8rb

Жыл бұрын

@@waygoblue4729 you really shouldn't say that. Every single person who hears your comment will think you're a raging jerk. They will entirely forget the other person's much-lesser rudeness.

@waygoblue4729

Жыл бұрын

​@@LS-sg8rbActually, I've been applauded for it because where I've used it, it has been like this: Usually, the people like the ones described by Acme Racing (as one who 1.- rudely interrupts, then when I say, "Excuse me, I'm speaking" and 2. - has the audacity to call me rude for talking over him/her when he/she's the one interrupting me) are so well known to be the actual "raging jerk" in the room, that many people present want somebody to call their hand to it in some way. And, I've even been thanked afterward by people who were sick-and-tired of the rudeness described by Acme Racing - thanked for retorting in such a manner that it closed the mouths of said rude people. Now, some of this, I will admit, is possibly because I am in a small town where everybody knows everybody very well, but the person I learned the reply from (Judge Marilyn Milian) is quite cosmopolitan. I do believe, however, that it would be to one's benefit to be careful before using the comment I gave flippantly, and even when/if one decides to use this retort, much attention is to be given to tone of voice (level, quick, and steady instead of loud, overly enunciated and out of control) and eye contact (direct focus instead of widening the eye sockets and "popping out" the eyeballs). From what I've experienced, much in conversation depends on place, time, people, and circumstance.

Honestly, I find myself interrupting in one-on-one conversations because I want to have a CONVERSATION. Not listen to someone go on and on and on. I admit, I may have a short attention span. I think it is polite when you notice you are dominating a conversation to stop and check in. I would love to hear the person I'm in conversation with say, "I could go on and on. Do you want to hear more?" or "What do you think?". Maybe, "Has anything like that happened to you? How did you handle it?" In business meetings, of course, one should politely listen until the end and not interrupt. I sometimes find two or three active talkers will completely dominate the conversation by not allowing enough of a pause for anyone else to speak. I just raise my hand. It is not subtle, but it is effective. I strongly believe the loudest person is not the smartest person or the only person who should be heard. Unfortunately, the research on this is that people do read confidence as intelligence.

@sidilicious11

Жыл бұрын

One of my pet peeves is when people monopolize conversations. Grrrr

@PresAdams-bz2ep

Жыл бұрын

Stupid people talk the MOST!

Thank you for sharing this. I have had inattentive ADHD my entire life and have never been an interrupter, and have avoided chronic interrupters like the plague.

Sometimes I just keep talking, i.e. finishing my sentence, when someone interrupts. It takes determination but it's amazing the effect it can have when you don't allow them to override you.

@alexanderlyon

Жыл бұрын

Yes! It's often really hard to continue talking but it is powerful if you can get to the end of your thought without stopping.

@ytcarol

Жыл бұрын

@@alexanderlyon I'm older now - took me years to get that ability!

@yuppers1

Жыл бұрын

I do that too in a group setting. I don't give up the floor mid-sentence. I'm a woman, so this didn't come naturally.

I just recently told an acquaintance directly that I like to finish my statements…and that she doesn’t respect that need in other people. She was so taken aback, and got defensive. So I said, “we’ll have fun talking to yourself because I don’t stay where my voice is not respected.

When I am talking to a certain family member on the phone, they take every pause after a sentence as their chance to respond. It's very frustrating. When I try to finish my thoughts later, they say that we have moved on, so they don't want to hear what I have to say. Very frustrating. If they weren't family, I wouldn't bother trying to communicate with them. It creates a level of hostility in our relationship and becomes toxic. 😕

@alexanderlyon

2 жыл бұрын

That sounds frustrating!

@bethanymay7186

2 жыл бұрын

@@alexanderlyon It's very frustrating. 😕 It's like I've lost a member of my family because I can't talk to them about certain things. 🤷‍♀️

@silvameaferam5441

Жыл бұрын

I so completely identify. I actually solved this issue accidentally, by speaking "privately" to said family member's best friend. They (unauthorized) passed the message on and problem solved. NOT my way of choice, and it could have easily gone in a worse direction, but nonetheless, it did in this circumstance, work well.

@dannovak3886

Жыл бұрын

So why even bother with them. Just cause They are family doesn't mean you have to like them. Feels weird when you 1st start to do it and X people out But after a while you realize its the most normal thing to do

@rosew7962

Жыл бұрын

Did you consider that perhaps you are monopolizing the conversation and they are using those pauses to get a word in, or that the subject you are rambling on about may not be interesting to them?

I’m confused. I thought these cues were about keeping people from interrupting you when you’re talking, but she’s discussing them as to how to interrupt a person who keeps on talking. Especially, “the fish” that’s actually how to interrupt someone, not prevent it. So a bit of a confusing video title, I thought.

@alexanderlyon

Жыл бұрын

I hear you, Theresa. I think what you're saying is only true for "the fish." This tip will not prevent them from talking but it will cut short their interruption and make room for you to resume your talking turn. However, the bookmark (raised hand), anchor touch, and preview tips can _all_ be used as you are still talking and the person is attempting to interrupt you. For example, you just raise your hand (i.e., "bookmark") as the start to speak to say nonverbally, "Hold on, I'm not done." And you continue to talk as you hold up the bookmark. In other words, the raised hand is not about you asking for permission to talk as much as it is like a stop sign. The bookmark (like the fish or anchor touch), of course, can also be used if you need to interrupt somebody politely and professionally because they won't let you into the conversation unless you send them a clear signal.

@theresan8880

Жыл бұрын

@@alexanderlyon Thank you for clarifying. Yes, the bookmark works well for teachers with eager students, I’ve seen that a lot. Any suggestions on how to turn the conversation back to the subject I was talking about after my friend interrupts me, other than the words, “Anyways……as I was saying…..”

@katmiller51

Жыл бұрын

Totally. I am disappointed in this video.

I can be an interrupter too. Someone once used this cue on me when I interrupted them: (light touch on underarm, then in a calm and friendly tone: “I want to finish my sentence.” That cue works so well!

Thank you for this video. I really needed this as I tend to interrupt and be interrupted as a pastor's wife and I really don't like feeling like I'm either being rushed or rushing people while talking plus my husband talks a lot ( a lot) and it's hard to have a conversation vs a speech and I feel like this will help me be more gentle and yet effective. I'm excited to try this out! I'll probably be re watching this lol

@charlottehh

Жыл бұрын

How did it work with your husband then?

Reminds me of the time I wanted to finally get in a word during a long phone “conversation” with one of my best friends. She talks a lot and generally I love her for it because she’s hilarious, but she also interrupts. So when she interrupted me this one time, I doggedly continued talking, determined to finish my response, but so did she! 😂 We both talked at the same time for about a full thirty seconds before I got to the end of what I wanted to say, at which point she said, “But you didn’t hear me though!” and promptly started over from the beginning! 😂🤣 I just laughed to myself and gave up lol. I don’t think any of these tips would work on her, but they’re great to keep in mind for everyone else!

@mountaindolly2659

Жыл бұрын

So, you know Linda too?😉

@njcanuck

Жыл бұрын

If she's a best friend, maybe you can talk about these conversation habits. You might negotiate giving her a signal or directly telling her when she is interrupting. E g., saying "can I finish my thought?"

@tianam.964

Жыл бұрын

@@njcanuck I was just sharing the story because I thought it was funny, but I actually love that suggestion, thank you! I reminded her of that conversation once and she gave an abashed laugh and apologized, so I think if I do as you advise in the future, it would definitely work. She doesn’t mean to be rude, my girl just had a LOT to say! 😂 Thank you for your input! 🙏🏾

@tianam.964

Жыл бұрын

@@mountaindolly2659 😂😂

@susie5254

Жыл бұрын

I admit, some people can pull it off. But I find my relationship with these types will stay superficial.

My loved never stops talking , never takes a breath and never let's anyone else talk ..if you are lucky enough to jump in they cut you off pretty quick. Conversations with them can be painful and even exhausting 🥵🥵

As a counsellor - I really like this gentle and respectful approach. So many 'interrupters' are completely unaware that they are doing so, and can be very taken aback or really genuinely bewildered and upset, if met with irritability or even aggression. It's not correct to assume that they are all narcissists. Many have come from families where communications are all about having to shout over others as the only way to get heard! It's their 'normal'. Sometimes that behaviour is also about extreme insecurity. They feel that if they don't get everything out that they want to say and and just then geared up to say, they may not get he opportunity again! Or may not find the confidence to enter into the conversation again, and so it's a kind of flooding or 'flood disclosure' exercise. Yes they can learn to do it differently, but not if they feel attacked and defensive. No-one can learn anything new when they've flipped 'wounded' to their 'bunker'.

@LS-sg8rb

Жыл бұрын

She said these cues work for everyone BUT narcissists. (Because narcissists don't care about the other person enough to give them a chance to talk.)

@dimasgomez

Жыл бұрын

Unfortunately, sometimes, as studying to become a counselor myself, you have to take over and I'm trying to learn do so. Because politeness quite often won't help me or my client. In professional conversation, we are among the worst.

I want you to honestly believe me -when I say- this. We much older people (over 70 crowd) often & really do leap in to say something & DO INTERRUPT. We do this-because we have-a thought -about what is being said & know we will forget it very soon. I am serious ! This is not an excuse - there IS NO EXCUSE- but it IS a REASON. We are-So sorry !

@eveperry4321

Жыл бұрын

I have PTSD and now and again, I have problems with my memory, so when I have a thought during a conversation, if I don’t express it immediately, I can forget it completely. I’ve had discussions about this with friends. What I found has worked, is to put up my hand when they are speaking, apologize for interrupting and say “remind me tell you my thought when you’re finished talking”. Sometimes, I add a hint to my request in case I forget the thought completely by the time they have finished speaking. This has worked very well for me. When someone keeps interrupting me, I usually just stop talking. I refuse to compete with anyone for speaking time. I handle this differently when I’m teaching or the speaker for an event.

@juliaw7533

Жыл бұрын

Haha thank you for this. And btw Im only 55 so it doesn't just relate to 70+

Thank you for this interesting and helpful video. I’ve used all of these techniques and had them done to me as well. I likewise learned them from watching the habits of gracious people that I admire. May I say that even at 60 yes old, I am a very outgoing, friendly, engaged and excitable person and ADD (lethal combination) that fights tooth and nail not to interrupt! As such, I would like some folks to know that interrupting, while rude, is not always a sign that the person is not listening. I am the “external processor” that she talked about (in other words, I’m not attempting to take over the conversation and make it about me, I’m further relating to my interlocutor) and it’s been a real fight to control this awful tendency. I’ve done a lot of therapy and it’s helped me to see many things about my childhood experiences and how I was “not heard” So there may be deep things at play when a person interrupts, it’s not simply rude behavior. While their rudeness and it’s reasons may not impact how we feel about being interrupted, it can. We can use these lovely techniques to show our compassion and care, because that’s who we are. I’m still extremely friendly and love people but now I don’t shame myself into not interrupting, rather, I have learned to become a more attentive and compassionate listener, which combats and quells my desire to interject. Thanks again!

I know I've interrupted folks many times because I want to relate or share my thoughts on things too.. and how many times I've said "I wanted to share or I'll forget it.." Interrupts the train of thought, the process for the other, the conversation loses its value because it gets side-railed.. I didn't like this in my relationships.. I've learned to take notes while talking with others on things they say that I want to touch on.. I find this makes me a much more present listener, and I can write down a word or two of my thoughts, quickly acknowledge them, and continue to listen.. allowing others the chance to be fully heard and a full response in return.. keeps conversations meaningful for me because through the whole process I hear the other person deeply and can respond to the full body of the communication.. I love listening to others.. I've learned many great ideas and practices from others of all walks of life.. ❤️ "listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too, have their story.." The Desiderata ❤️

WOW! Loved this video!“Recovering awkward person”-I’m stealing that phrase. And I will be looking up Ms. Van Edwards’ book as well. Well done video, per usual!

@alexanderlyon

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, Vanessa has a way with words. Thanks for your encouragement.

I really liked this one! It's really cool how powerful a small gesture can be. And also the build up toward a more powerful gesture depending on what is necessary makes it really ethical: Being aware of your environment and looking for the least drastic gesture that is effective to stand up for what you are entitled to, is also the least manipulative option and therefor most ethical.

@alexanderlyon

2 жыл бұрын

Hi, Siward. Thanks for your encouragement.

@janec1489

Жыл бұрын

@@alexanderlyon The video was brilliant! I have 2 chronic interupters in my life, one of whom I speak with on the phone. He just keeps talking and even when I'm shouting at the other end to say "Can I just say this?"and even saying his name, he still carries on like he can't even hear me. He knows he does it because he jokes at the end that I never let him get a word in edgeways! Do you have any tips on how to deal with a phone interupter? Many thanks!

@wintermatherne2524

Жыл бұрын

Jane C: I refuse to take their calls. I literally instruct them to TEXT 🤣🤣🤣their intent. If that offends them, tough tits!

Great tips for everyday life as well as giving a presentation. Thank you, Vanessa. And thank you, Alex, for presenting her lesson to us.

I saw a conversational technique where you look away, which shows disinterest. And therefore, is less polite, however, I feel like it might be another tactic for dealing with an interrupter (especially a rude one).

im 53 year old, 4years ago I was diagnosed with severe ADHD and my 46 year long tendency to interrupt was explained. 46 year Ive been shamed at home, school and work. and worse by myself. Im not disrespectful , uninterested, self-absorbed. just speak out with honest y in a civilise manner. no need for manipulation.

@katella

Жыл бұрын

Me too. I'm aware that I do this. I always thought it was my social anxiety that makes me interrupt people. I don't want to be rude. It makes me ashamed afterward. when the other person seems to have made their point I speak, but oftentimes I later realize that they meant to go on. It is embarrassing.

I've talked to a friend who constantly interrupts me and she said it's because she'll forget her thought if she doesn't voice it right away....problem is, then I forget the point I wanted to make! 🤣

Excellent tips, Alex! I have a superior in the workplace that's notorious for incessant interrupting and cutting you off mid-sentence... every sentence. I'm going to try these softer cues in addition to the harder ones, in order to compare. Thank you for presenting this info, and for all that you do, brother!

I've ended friendships with people who constantly interrupted me, or asked a question, interrupted my answer and then would change the subject. I'm obviously not interesting enough or you don't care what anyones opinion is besides your own. As they show so little care or social skills, I can't be bothered with trying to be tactful. Just straight up, walk away from them in the middle of what they're saying and then drop them completely.

@tml9174

Жыл бұрын

Been there, done that. Life is too short to put up with that much disrespect.

@margaretcurrie4093

Жыл бұрын

Yap knw just how u feel 👍

An older, rather eccentric woman was compulsively talking and talking to a third woman who was very polite and didn't stop her (in our synagogue), and she continued as the Torah reading began which is very very "not done" in our circles. I said shh! several times and it was ignored. When I said out loud "Shah!" she shut up. She needed that stop sign.

Hmmm...well I know a few people that none of this would ever work with, they just rudely burst into a conversation...not even on topic. I have tried pointing it out, tried to wait and go on with whatever I'm trying to say, but none of this works. These people just want to basically monologue endlessly and really aren't interested in hearing anyway. So I just walk away. These polite tactics will IMO only work with people that are not intentionally interrupting. When it comes to rude, constant interrupters and monologue-ers..why bother? Honestly, they don't care what anyone else has to say anyway.

I have traumatic brain injury and am tangential. I fully appreciate when someone asks me to return to the initial conversation. It helps me stay on topic and when interrupted by asking about the initial topic gives me the sense that you actually cared what I was trying to convey to them. Tangential aphasia should be considered when trying to get someone to stop speaking, otherwise you’re the rude person and may not even know it.

@libertyfirst4083

Жыл бұрын

How about you cuing your conversation partners by revealing your aphasia vs. expecting others to consider that their conversation partner may have tangential aphasia and should conduct themselves accordingly?

@shellyscholz1256

Жыл бұрын

@@libertyfirst4083 I absolutely do this! How else would they know? There’s no outward sign of aphasia. It’s not like there’s a physical sign on one’s body that lets someone know they have aphasia. But once the person knows it is absolutely rude to try to shut down a conversation with someone who has aphasia. Once they know and decide to be rude that’s a fundamental problem for the one shutting down the conversation. That is not the fault of someone with aphasia.

@libertyfirst4083

Жыл бұрын

@@shellyscholz1256 That's great and very considerate of you, Shelly. Once you have alerted someone to your aphasia and how they can help during conversation, it certainly is rude for that person to ignore your needs.

@shellyscholz1256

Жыл бұрын

@@libertyfirst4083 When I rapidly switch topics because I have forgotten my original topic simply ask me to go back to the first topic. If I cannot get a word from my brain to my mouth I start defining the word, let’s say the word is truth, I might say the opposite of a lie. Simply tell me the word you think I’m looking for. As this affects many people I’ll give you a few tips. If I walk into a room three times, ask me what I’m looking for and then the item will stay in the memory bank long enough for me to go get the item. Since many people forget why they’re walking in a room and forgetting what they were looking for this works well with people who don’t have aphasia. And if no one is there ask yourself why you walked into the room. It works well. Do you often lose things like keys and you can’t put them in their spot because you’re not home, instead of placing them somewhere smack them down somewhere. People forget where keys are but they rarely forget slapping something onto a flat surface. I’m off topic (not surprisingly) but I hope you find some of our adaptive measures useful in your own life.

@shellyscholz1256

Жыл бұрын

@@libertyfirst4083 Also I may ask you to repeat what I was just talking about so I can pickup where I left off or decide that I’ve conveyed the information and it is now another person’s turn to speak.

People with focusing issues sometimes do this because they are afraid they will forget what they want to say if they don’t get their thought out, at least that’s what they’ve told me. One person I know who has trouble focusing also changes the subject out of the blue, for the same reason - afraid they will lose their thought but really want to chime in.

@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane

Жыл бұрын

I have ADHD and that is absolutely true! Thank you for saying that so well! I do sometimes interrupt if I have something important to add to the conversation that I KNOW I'll forget if I have to wait for the other person to finish. Otherwise, I'm trying to keep it in my brain as I'm (not really) listening to what they're saying because our brains are terrible at that! Sometimes I wonder what people would think if I just said everything I'm thinking! Lol, our brains are constantly thinking about something and switching topics very quickly. It's like a constant internal conversation you can't shut off... very frustrating and exhausting!

@miriamtorres551

Жыл бұрын

I also have a focus and memory problem in language, but like math. So I’m excited to try the finger counting tip and see if it helps me to remember what I ‘Dl like to say and not fumble all over the place trying to pick up the points I wanted to say and concentrate on the words to choose👍🏼 If it starts to work, I’ll come back and to this reply😊

@susie5254

Жыл бұрын

Many of us are afraid we're going to forget what WE want to say. But that might be like excusing the behavior of somone who says, "I'm in a hurry so get out of my way" and pushes through the line. Some people can't follow social cues, but I think it then becomes a question of whether or not each individual can deal with their mannerisms. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I can't.

@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane

Жыл бұрын

@@susie5254 It's not an excuse; it's trying to raise a little awareness and educate people as to *why* some people have a hard time communicating with others. The majority of people out there don't understand nor can they relate to what it's like to have executive function problems. This is a genetic problem having to do with chemicals in the brain we are unable to process like "normal" people can... we're really not trying to be immature a-holes, lol! I honestly can't think of an area of life it doesn't affect. It can be VERY difficult for people with ADHD to process incoming information (what YOU'RE saying plus all the other stimulus happening), and at the same time hold in their memory what they want to say long enough for a pause in the conversation to tell you, or harness one of the 50 other thoughts we're thinking. The thought can seriously be gone in as fast as a second or two... it happens to me multiple times a day. It doesn't mean I go blurting into every conversation with every thought that comes to mind, but it does mean that it happens *occasionally.* I don't feel like I interrupt people any more than they interrupt me, however. Neurotypical people may relate a little because it does happen to them sometimes, but not to the extent it does with us literally every waking moment of every day, year after year. I don't know if you can even image what that does to a person's self esteem, being so misunderstood for so many years. It affects friendships, love relationships, working relationships, etc. Our choices kind of boil down to these: 1. Take notes on what the other person is saying and what we want to say... gee, nobody would think we're weird or anything doing THAT in a normal conversation at work, home, or socializing... right?? 2. Interrupt... so we look like a jerk sometimes, 3. not say anything because we wouldn't remember it long enough to wait for a break in the conversation as we absorb what the other person is saying. Then we would feel like we aren't being heard, or feel like we're not contributing, and that we and our ideas are not important... meanwhile, when there is a break in the conversation, we're just standing there like a deer in headlights with nothing to say because it's been forgotten, so we look like idiots to others, when we're really not. (They think that Einstein and Leonardo da Vince had ADHD) 3. Hope that the moon and stars align and we get to say what we want to say right when we are thinking it and right when there's a pause in conversation to say it... LOVE when that happens!! 4. Hang around people that understand us... and that's what usually occurs eventually in an ADHD person's life... because everyone else sees us as childish, selfish, weird, loner, etc. because of a lack of UNDERSTANDING and maybe a little empathy that not everyone is the same.

@deniseshore9637

Жыл бұрын

Wow, so adhd makes rude behavior acceptable. The rest of the world does not understand your superior brains that move too fast for the rest of us slugs. Lol

Thank you both, that was way more instructional than I had anticipated and am very grateful for this channel to begin with and am now an instant subscriber to Vanessa’s channel as well + will definitely get both books. Blessings to all 🕊🇺🇸🇨🇦

I find it very interesting in most of the examples she gives she’s talking about stoping someone who is already speaking. No someone interrupting. When she talks about the anchor touch ( 6:13 ) she specifically says it’s a way to remind someone who is speaking that you are there. So really you’re interrupting them. In fact Alex each time has to basically reinterpret her entire explanation to make it fit the topic. He had to say something along the lines of “well yes and if you are being interrupted….”

Such insight into this particular matter is also helping me to become more self-aware during a conversation as well, which is equally important! 💛 Thank you so much for sharing this!!!

@alexanderlyon

Жыл бұрын

Happy to help!

I have a family member who tries to anticipate the end of your sentence and say it with you so that she has a head start on talking again. If you attempt to continue with what you'd been saying, she'll keep talking louder and louder. Once, I was having a time sensitive conversation with someone else and this family member kept trying to interrupt (with topics unrelated to the discussion). So we were ignoring her in order to get things taken care of and she got so frustrated at not being able to get a word in that she stood up and yelled, "Let me talk!" That one incident aside, overall, I would say she is not a narcissistic person, she just really loves to talk, and there are not enough social cues in the world to get her to be quiet.

@Zzyzzyx

Жыл бұрын

I know someone like this. I wonder if it's almost a neurological thing.

@tannpl

Жыл бұрын

I've noticed that my sister, who talks incessantly and dominates every conversation, whenever she needs to pause for a breath or to think about what to say next, will use a verbal sound to preclude anyone from taking that pause to speak. I'm going to start using these tips to see if I can get a word in. 🙂

@susie5254

Жыл бұрын

@@Zzyzzyx I've noticed that people with poor "presentation" skills can often be in this situation. It takes them so long to get anything out that people (even usually patient people) think the speaker needs help to express what they want to say.

Thank you! I'm such a gentle talker, I get run over in almost every conversation, including with my husband. I can't wait to try these out.

@alexanderlyon

Жыл бұрын

You got this!

These might work if the person who interrupts me the most actually looked at me when I'm speaking to them. My mother never lets anyone finish what they're saying. Never. She doesn't look at you when you're talking so she can ignore social cues and is always fiddling with something or doing something when others talk. She uses the, "I don't want to forget what I wanted to say" excuse for interrupting as if what the person who was speaking had to say meant nothing.

My first encounter with Vanessa was on her TEDx talk - you are contagious. She was absolutely delightful. I particularly like the way she intertwines humor with practical and relatable examples. I'll try the techniques here but maybe not 'the fish' (haha). Many thanks for sharing Alex!

@alexanderlyon

2 жыл бұрын

Hi, Kene. Agreed. Vanessa is great.

As a chronic interrupter, I hope people understand that there are many reasons for interrupting. Some people are self-obsessed, selfish, couldn’t care less about you. But some people, like me, think at the speed of light & have tons of enthusiasm. I often know/guess what somebody is going to say, or their main point, before they’ve finished, it’s impossible for my brain to NOT want to speak the moment I know the end of the sentence. If you have ADD it’s an incredible challenge to not jump to the next thought.

@jadepaulsen8456

Жыл бұрын

Try to train yourself.

this is very awesome , the way she express the nonverbal actions are amazing also the fish , the bookmark like words which are used in the books were also amazing I enjoyed a lot through our the video.I hop you make these type of videos in future also with such great personalities.

This is very useful. I'll start using these in my talks and workshops today.

As a not very assertive person, I don't see a lot here that would help me do stuff to prevent people from interrupting me. Point 4, sure, but everything else is a "how to go about interrupting people" instead. Very strange! Perhaps one should approach conversations as a competition on interrupting each other? The best and most subtle interrupter wins?

@alexanderlyon

Жыл бұрын

Many people are making a similar comment but let me paste a response I left on another one that I hope will clear it up. "The title is accurate. These tips work equally well for preventing somebody from interrupting as they do getting the talking turn back on your side. The next time somebody might be ready to interrupt you, use the preview, bookmark, and anchoring touch to prevent them from interrupting and you'll see what I mean. Those techniques will help you continue talking so the other person doesn't horn in and take over. They all say "I'm not done yet." Only the "fish" is exclusively handy when the other person has already taken over the conversation and you're trying to get the floor back."

I have been somewhat Que blind most of my life. Further, my communication style is that I will have a thought and then I will parse and package it to make it clear and succinct before I share it, because my attention is very valuable to me and I assume it’s valuable to others, and so I like to get down to brass tacks so to speak. Yet I find many other people have a stream of consciousness communication style,where they begin to share before the thought is even fully formed, and they expect the full point of the conversation to assemble itself in the air between us, and so I feel frustration about that because it feels so be labored or half baked, thus lends a feeling like they’re stealing my attention. My mind races ahead to guess what their point might be, and that’s a bad habit of mine. I interrupt out of frustration- SpIT IT OUT MAN!!

@alexanderlyon

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing, Robert. The good news is that these are learnable. You're in the right place.

@tannpl

Жыл бұрын

You’ve hit on my pet peeve. I’m like you…”Don’t waste my time! Please get to the point!”

@Find-Your-Bliss-

Жыл бұрын

Try staying with what they’re saying in the moment, listening, and being right there with them. What a gift! It is an amazing way to connect, & isn’t that the point?!

@tannpl

Жыл бұрын

@@Find-Your-Bliss- I have always listened and tried to stay engaged because I am a polite person, but at my age after having so many waste my time because they love to hear themselves talk, I lose patience and just steer clear of certain ones.

Way to much effort needed to communicate with people like like this , After determining someone is a conversation Hog , I generally totally ignore them !

I let the interrupter speak, and sometimes others in the group will chime in, and your unfinished story/thought is abandoned. THEN, when there is a break in the conversation, I say “…to finish what I was saying” and finish my story. It works really well, and reminds everyone that I was interrupted.

These are some great tips. My daughter and I use the loving pat to help each other. And helpful info for people with difficulty reading social cues. What I would like to add is to please remember that some people with ADHD, autism or other neurodivergence may not be noticing the cues, but it doesn't mean they don't care about you having a turn to talk. Many times, we, as neurodivergent people have a huge fear of forgetting our thoughts and without the opportunity to write them down, our brain says "hurry up and finish" - this is also related to the neurodivergent brain's difficulty with impulse control. Another common problem we sometimes have is feeling validated or truly heard. One of the best ways to "shut me up" 😉 is to say something like "That's a great point" or to rephrase what I've said (even if you disagree) so I don't feel the compulsive need to keep explaining or repeating in different ways, thinking that I haven't been clear or must be making a "stupid mistake" (as was commonly told to us growing up in the 80's). Final thoughts, neurodivergent or neurotypical alike, people with this problem - of interrupting or not letting someone else speak - often have low self esteem and low self confidence. Work to build other people up in conversations and make them feel important and included and try to keep your frustration to a minimum. We all need that in our conversations and in life, but neurodivergent people and people with layers of childhood trauma actually need it even more because most likely they've faced a ton of bullying, teasing, ridicule, embarrassment, shame and lots of other negative experiences - for their *entire* life - that result in low self value and self worth. Typically even a narcissist is just a severe case of low self esteem. When you can look at it from this perspective, from compassion and empathy and search for the root cause of the problem, it can really help you to help that conversation flow instead of becoming frustrated. It can help us all find a way to connect in spirit and help the other person communicate more effectively, rather than you feeling annoyed with them and then feeling "stupid" or unimportant. Trust me, they're usually already annoyed at themselves and this may be the one topic that makes them feel the tiniest bit of personal power and confidence. And many of these people may be undiagnosed and uneducated in neurodivergence - and not even know what's going on with themselves other than feelings of low self worth and lack of value. Granted, we have to learn how to be thoughtful, notice social cues and stop obsessing on "special interests", but I just want this awareness to be out there so we can all creater a kinder, more accepting world with less judgment and greater focus on help, connection and collaboration. 💕✌️🕊️

@DeborahCaldwell77

Жыл бұрын

…. no room for a reply to your repetitive rant

@Gherkinlife

Жыл бұрын

Well said. Especially exasperated sighs don't help neurodivergant people.

@tea3838

Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for this useful input. I have saved your comment to read when I need help helping my mixed neurodivergent-neurotypical groups of students interact.

@lindahollander3588

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your intelligent comment

Oddly enough, I find, "'Please stop interrupting and talking over me." does the trick without any need for passive-aggressive hints.

@alexanderlyon

Жыл бұрын

Well, that can work. That's pretty direct and would clearly be helpful and necessary in some situations. These tips in the video aren't passive-aggressive, however, as you suggest. They are mostly nonverbal but they are 100% in the assertive communication column. In contrast, passive aggressive examples would be eye rolling, smirking, or throwing our hands in the air when we are interrupted. But back to your other point. I have said statements like "please stop interrupting me" a few times over the years when I mattered the most. It sort of worked but also caused some longer-term blow back. Still, I had to say it because it was no longer acceptable.

@Knapweed

Жыл бұрын

@@alexanderlyon I think our different positions could be cultural. I'm English, so I prefer honesty and forthrightness over goldfish imitations and hints. To me, these strategies display a lack of trust and an attempt to manipulate me, which I would resent. I called it passive-aggressive because Vanessa admitted she used the strategy to gain control of the conversation. However you look at it, deliberately attempting to gain control of a conversation is an aggressive manoeuvre and if you use covert rather than overt tactics to do so, it is passive, hence my conclusion it is a passive-aggressive strategy. I see no difference in terms of passive-aggressiveness between eye-rolling and somebody sticking their hand in my face with their mouth hanging open. I have met people who consider a conversation is delivering a long monologue with my only purpose being to initiate the conversation with the occasional starter and to listen to them, attentively. My approach may cause some offence but at least they actually know the reasons why and it is well within their power to remedy the situation should they choose to do so. In fact, it may ultimately have a positive effect on their other interactions if they use the experience to alter their habit of dominating the conversation.

@chimbob67

Жыл бұрын

@@Knapweed Many people prefer indirect correction, not blunt statements asking them to behave better. It is about letting someone save face and about not coming across as aggressive.

@Knapweed

Жыл бұрын

@@chimbob67 I understand the intent but I disagree with the outcome. Continually stamping over somebody and denying them the opportunity to respond is a very aggressive act, basically bullying. Most people know that bullies require direct intervention, not vague hints.

So useful!!! Thank you for this post

@Communication Coach Alexander Lyon Thank you, Alex! This should work. I could sure use a communication coach like you. In fact, I could sure use you! You’ve just earned yourself a subscriber.

Great video! Thanks so much prof for making these videos and to venessa for these great tips. I have a question: how do you stop someone from interrupting you and hijacking 'your talking time' on phone( voice call)?

I do not and will not tolerate interruptions. That includes quick questions that do not pertain to the conversation in the moment. I will continue to speak, I will raise my voice if I have to. I will say "do not interrupt me". I will repeat my thought. Keep it plain and simple. The only way some people will get the message is if you are direct and forceful. I do not care at all if I hurt their feelings. They are the interruptor after all. However, when they are speaking, I make it a point refrain from interrupting them. Which usually goes unnoticed. Finally, if they keep interrupting, I will disengage. Conversation is not info one upmanship. Conversation is not "debate" or sport.

@kathyxray

Жыл бұрын

I wish I could disengage, I can't its rude (just my opinion). I also cannot/will not say, "please let me finish". I am an introvert, but also am someone who hates details over inconsequential stuff. I don't give details nor can I understand why anyone wants to share these details.

Extremely useful cues.. Thanks Alex, keep on keeping on

@alexanderlyon

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks, will do!

Thank You both ! Brilliant..... Am gonna try this....

A very important topic. Thank you for addressing and showing interruption in action :-). It raises the question of why we wish to spend time with people who are not interested in what we have to say. For me, someone has to be interesting AND interested. I would be interested in how to handle this over the telephone when verbal cues cannot be used.

@alexanderlyon

2 жыл бұрын

Great point!

@kathyk2777

Жыл бұрын

Agree. My sister constantly interrupts me on the phone. Several times I just decided to keep talking rather than stop and let her interrupt - but she doesn't get it and we both end up talking at the same time which is ridiculous. My response now is to let her interrupt and when she's done, I start my last sentence all over again without commenting on what she said. It's not fun. I have asked her in the past to p!ease let me finish, and then she just shuts down like I'm the bad guy. Sigh.

@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane

Жыл бұрын

@@kathyk2777 I have a friend exactly like that and I have done the same thing you have! I've even flat out told her "please stop interrupting me!" She stops for awhile, then it starts again... I have ADHD (executive function difficulties cause us to have problems retaining information temporarily while having to focus on something else needing our attention) and if I get interrupted I completely lose my train of thought, so this is especially frustrating for me.

@robinr.9007

Жыл бұрын

Robyn Pulman- Yes, me too! I was in a phone conversation with a neighbor; I ended up talking so fast, I almost got dizzy! It was important new legal information, I found myself saying repeatedly: “Please, let me finish this, you need to know this … It affects you!” - to no avail. I even said to her: “Please… stop interrupting”” This went one for 10+ minutes; it felt like an hour. Kinda exasperating. 😵‍💫

@janec1489

Жыл бұрын

@@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane Yes! I have this too where if people interrupt, I lose my train of thought. I have said to people when starting to talk, please let me just finish otherwise I lose my thread, but they sometimes still do it! 🤷‍♀️

This was super helpful, and I'm so glad to learn I'm a dreamer and not a narcissist. 😂😂

@alexanderlyon

2 жыл бұрын

I'm so glad! Ha. I'd guess that most people who think about this topic wouldn't be narcissistic.

Loved this, thank you👏

I have to learn this. Thank you for your teaching.

As an interruptor (who grew up in a family of chronic cutter-offers who is also the youngest of my siblings) I started working on changing this by keeping a video diary. I would just talk about my days events as I would to a friend or S/O then review it after a day or two, that helped me to learn when I was going off the rails verbally, and to see what others get to see/hear while I’m actually talking, The second is keeping in mind getting my point across shouldn’t be the goal in conversation with others, if a friend calls and needs to vent or talk I don’t interrupt even if I have something I think is good to add, I focus solely on staying in the moment with them as they express themselves, only adding nods or cues that Im locked in listening, as well as leaving pause room for it to “breathe” even if it seems awkward to do so personally, a lot of times to others it’s a moment of reflection of what has been said….

@lindahollander3588

Жыл бұрын

We use a love tap when we really feel like strangling them!

This was very interesting and very helpful - especially the Preview Technique. I have folks I adore that are absolute interrupters. There are two problems for me with that. First, I was raised that interrupting is super rude. So every time I'm interrupted, it's ingrained into me that I should be at least annoyed. And second, the folks that do it now feel that it's just part of normal conversation, and that so what. I've expressed hey, please stop doing that and no. That's just how we are. So as others have expressed: I've just sorta given up, overall. But I like the Preview Technique, especially with something important that has many points or layers. THAT'S where I'll get interrupted consistently. I may START out well, but by the end of the first point, it's like crazy train of not my floor anymore. So, thanks. I have hope now. 🥰

@kimnolan4084

Жыл бұрын

I was raised that way too....and I think you are right, it is ingrained to feel annoyed.

@rodschmidt8952

Жыл бұрын

Try carrying an air horn, and every time they interrupt you, let off a blast. They'll learn

@Narbyful

Жыл бұрын

@@rodschmidt8952 LOL You're funny, Rod. Yea. That's crossed my mind. "HEY!" I've actually raised my hand like someone asking permission to talk. It's a subtle reminder - the air horn is next. :)

I just appreciate this channel , I have learned so much from your videos and you are always on point and just 🙏 Thank you.😇

@alexanderlyon

Жыл бұрын

I appreciate that, CaliChaos.

I have suffered immensely my entire life bc of the uncaring, self centred, selfish, disrespectful and even obnoxious non stop talkers, who aren’t just “interrupters” bc they never shut up even a minute. It consumed me for most of my life. I couldn’t, and still can’t, understand how anyone can be so rude, and so oblivious to the fact that they’re being so rude. Since gaining some good confidence I have straight up told some how rude they are, others- I’ve shown in other ways like just walking away, or my now favourite is I tell them I hate when people speak AT me… I recall so many times feeling mentally violated by those that just wanted to use me as a sounding board, and that clearly didn’t give a rats that I may have wanted to speak, or leave, or even just not want to listen to them. Yet on and on and on and on they went. It’s made me hate socialising, and made me a recluse. And no, I / no one should HAVE to find ways to get a word in. The one hogging all the time and sucking the energy out of the listener should be the one to adjust their manner, and just shut the hell up.

@kimberlywills7219

Жыл бұрын

I totally know what you mean about being talked AT. And sometimes I wouldn't notice, being an introverted and polite person. One time I suddenly realized, at my house, there were 3 of us sitting at the table and one person was standing, facing us, and shouting a story that happened to her years ago and made her mad back then. She was so into it, and it was going for so long with such detail, and with her standing above us and shouting down all this negativity at us, I suddenly thought, "this actually feels kind of abusive!", like she was just getting her anger out by recalling the story "at" us. I decided that night that I am NOT a big giant EAR! I didn't know what to do about it at the moment, but one thing was that I never let her stand above me while I sat, like a power-position thing. I spent less & less time with her, gradually. Another common thing is when people just want to complain and blame, and show how everyone is against them, blah blah blah.... sorry, but if you think your last 5 bosses in the past 2 years all screwed you over, you might need to look in the mirror. Hey, have a hand mirror nearby, and next time someone is using you as a sounding board, just hold up the mirror. When they ask why, say they might as well be talking to themselves if they're not going to let you respond! 😂

Wow, that's helpful. Yes, even letting your middle school youth group know there are three things first we'll do before we can free-talk is extremely helpful! Thank you!

What about phone convo's? My sister totally dominates our convo's. Ever hear the saying 'can't get a word in edgewise'? It gets exhausting being her audience all the time.

This happens to me a lot. It sucks. I kind of give up on anything I have to say around certain people I know, there are unfortunately people who have to get everything out before they even notice that you exist, and even then they talk over you. There are some people these tricks don't work on, and reaching out and even touching them lightly to get their attention could be seen as an insult or personal attack, as they are very sensitive. This is the kind of thing that can trigger an argument in some people. It's one thing to be excited and passionate about telling someone something every once in a while but when it happens on a regular basis, that's a sign that they might be a toxic person. It's really good that you mention narcissism in this video, most people don't know much about it, and talking over people is something most of them do. Narcissists can do huge amounts of damage to people's lives, I recommend everyone learn more about it, about 20% of our population consists of highly narcissistic people and the number is growing all the time. We have all dealt with at least one narcissist in our lives.

Lot of people told me I interrupt their conversations, so now I am aware of it and I hardly interrupt at all, but now I gotta listen to people just on and on and on, sometime ya just got to interrupt to end the misery

Cool!! I’m going to try, ‘The Preview Technique.’ You two are my go-to for learning communication. Thank you for making this discussion happen. 👏🏻

@alexanderlyon

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks, Jesse. I appreciate your kind words.

Amazing! I just realised that I use these cues naturally!😄 I love Vanessa’s style, thank you 🙏🏻

"A recovering awkward person", I can definitely relate!

Excellent, thank you both very much for sharing this fabulous tips!

@alexanderlyon

Жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

As someone who is chronically interrupted, to the point where I almost feel invisible, these are great things I can add to my toolbox. Often I will be in a conversation with someone and someone will walk up and interrupt me like I'm not even there. It's so frustrating! I was always taught not to interrupt, to the point where it is hard for me to break into a conversation, but i usually wait my turn, or if the person is in a conversation with someone and I approach them , I say "I don't mean to interrupt, please go ahead and finish what you were saying". I do feel like I have valuable things to say, this may help me say them!!

@evayossifovad

Жыл бұрын

I hear you Kim... It is so frustrating to respectfully wait your turn, or an eye cue, or something, and no one notices. Then I have to force myself to become an interrupter

@yuppers1

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry. This used to happen to me a lot (female in a male-dominated industry). But then I realized that most people can't interrupt you if you don't let them. (Some are obnoxious so this doesn't work 100%.) I will keep eye contact with the rest of the group and finish my sentence. Most interrupters are doing this unconsciously and will shut themselves up when they see they're being rude.

How can I regain my interrupted conversation while on the telephone? I have a friend who constantly interrupts me and cuts me off right at the point when I am three-to-five words away from completing my sentence. This friend boldly interrupts me, and then sharply darts the conversation away to a whole different subject. When I try to return to complete my thought, it just sounds awkward and out of place. Every time this happens, I find myself rushing my words to say as much as possible within a matter of seconds, just knowing the interruption will indeed take place. By doing that, I mess up and cannot speak with the same clarity and articulation that I normally would with another person. Even before I begin sharing my thought and request that my friend allows me to complete my full thought or comment uninterrupted, they still do it. I love this friend, but do not enjoy being constantly disrespected in this way.

@gatheringmoss5726

Жыл бұрын

You describe your feelings as love for someone who has no interest in you nor do they have respect for your thoughts and feelings. I was married to someone like that and for decades I told myself it was love until I finally realized the truth and left. I had a dear friend of 40 years that never really respected me and snarled at anything I said that she didn't agree with. I finally realized the truth about that relationship also. I waited far too long to wise up. I hope you won't let anyone treat you that way anymore. Take care of yourself. That's the lesson I had to learn.

Thank you! What a great idea to teach non-verbal cues to manage conversations politely. Looking up your book!

@alexanderlyon

Жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

@ALinn-vr3nl

Жыл бұрын

@@alexanderlyon Thank you for hosting this program and for having Vanessa Van Edwards as your guest. You have a new subscriber.

GREAT advice! Thank you.

The preview technique (also known as Roadmapping or Sign Posting) is effective for nearly EVERY age group. I have used it in a room of 5 year olds and when needing to keep my boss' attention to get quick answers, and everyone in between! Thank you for these tidbits. We appreciate you Coach and thank you for bringing guests on as well.

@alexanderlyon

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing your examples, Joy.

@theeemaven

Жыл бұрын

I read "in a room with 5 year olds when needing to keep my boss' attention.." I started laughing so hard. Was thinking "good one." Then I reread it. & I now see how very significant the word "and" can be. Conjunction Junction, What's Your Functionnnnn."

@Narbyful

Жыл бұрын

@@theeemaven My husband once applied for (and got) a position of Dean of a school at his university. During his interview process, someone asked, "What special experience makes you qualified for this position?" and without missing a beat, he said, "I have a 5 year old." The connection isn't lost there. :) Everyone at the meeting laughed and nodded, appreciating how that WOULD be of value.

As a very small female, I get interrupted regularly. It can be annoying. Thank you for these tips.

@michellejoy6752

Жыл бұрын

Your stature may be small, don’t let your presence be small. From a petite 5’2” woman.

Just seeing your channel LOVE THIS!

1:05 Love it that she interrupts him!

@4Grace4Truth

Жыл бұрын

And 8:01

This is awesome! I was interviewed for a podcast, and the interviewer would scarcely let me get 2 sentences out before cutting in and talking for several minutes! Sometimes I couldn't get out 3 words before he jumped in! This was done on a Skype call with no video, so I really didn't know what to do. This call was almost 2.5 hours. I guess some people are better suited to talking alone and not interviewing people, but I don't know him well enough to point out how strange all this felt. Maybe when he goes back to edit, he will realize how much he cut me off. Funny enough, when I tried to cut in on him talking he wouldn't allow it. He'd either just keep talking, and at one point I think he even said, I'm getting to my point. Lol 🤣 Wow!

@missmayflower

Жыл бұрын

Why would you even stay and tolerate that for 2.5 hours? What a waste of your time and what a display of disrespect on the podcasters part. I would have hung up after a half hour max.

@HappyHolyHealthyLife

Жыл бұрын

@@missmayflower He's really nice, and I think he was just really excited about the topic we were discussing. I didn't want to be rude, and I kept thinking eventually he would stop interrupting, but I guess he just needs some coaching on how to interview. 😇

@zanleekain117

Жыл бұрын

I don't know about this guy, so maybe this doesn't apply here, but some Podcasters do 'interviews' just to have someone there to validate their point, rather then to actually hear from the guests point of view. Some may be doing this subconsciously, but for many it's an ego thing.

Saw this on a shirt 😅: “I’m sorry I slapped you but it seemed like you’d never stop talking and I panicked” Obviously, I don’t condone violence, but as a long winded, awkward person, I totally see the humor. 😂 I appreciate this video. I am continually trying to improve.

Useful tips! Fulfilled the promise!

It took me a long time to realize that a friend who lived in another city and called me every four days did not want a conversation. She wanted someone to listen to her. When I finally realized that I needed that 45 minutes to do things myself at home I ended the friendship. I was getting nothing from it myself, and it was costing me too much.

I have this problem with my brother. But the thing is, he knows he’s interrupting. Everytime I tell him something, he thinks of something else and says ”just a minute” right over my story and steers the conversation into another direction. It’s just so frustrating. My mom now is talking so fast with him in the hopes she’ll get to finish before he interrups. It’s so annoying. It destroys every conversation with him. I sometimes tried to just keep talking if he interrupted but he still kept talking. I‘ll try these cues but I don’t habe much hope for them to work.

@robinjosmith66

Жыл бұрын

I have the same issue with my brother. However, I have to be very firm with him and emphasize to him that he needs to let me finish what I'm saying. "Stop, you need to let me finish what im saying," usually works.

These are great if you’re in the room with the person and are in a position of being “the presenter.” How do you get a word in during a phone conversation where the other person can’t see you? How do you turn a one-sided lecture into a two-person CONVERSATION?

@cherryvaleleatherock6900

Жыл бұрын

I have a relative who does this . . . we mostly text now. 😁

The anchor touch is wonderful when children want your attention and you're in a conversation with someone else. They come over and put a hand on you and you look down, acknowledge them with your eyes and then you let them speak within 30 seconds. They learn that it is more effective to way to get your attention.