i wish i wouldn’t take every comment about me as a personal attack and an expression of hatred and disgust

@theschooloflifetv

Жыл бұрын

This is an all-too common problem. Hopefully keeping our film in mind can help.

@activelives

Жыл бұрын

Well just choose not to then. Nothing has any meaning but the meaning you give it. It does take some serious committed practice though. Good luck!

@davidrobert2007

Жыл бұрын

Unlike "the school of life" I might be able to help shed some light on this for you. In my opinion - the problem that you have is this: you agree with your critics. If you could think more of yourself / better of yourself then you might not see things this way. You are the only person who can help you. Best wishes and God bless.

@activelives

Жыл бұрын

@@davidrobert2007 actually, the school of life discuss this in their book "On Confidence" Worth a read in my opinion...

@colinstewart1432

Жыл бұрын

Imagine everyone you deal with operates with the best possible motives. Know that they too have their issues. The world has the power to mess with them as well.

It takes a degree of self confidence to not be defensive all the time.

@anonymousnation5235

Жыл бұрын

And sense of security from the people in your inner circle. Being vulnerable amongst wolves would tear our existence.

@HereIAm247

Жыл бұрын

@@anonymousnation5235 Yes!! Some people tend to disrespect other peoples boundaries, and therefore, it is sometimes perfectly reasonable to defend those boundaries. One should strive to understand the reason, not to suppress every negative emotion they get.

@grzegorzwielgus966

Жыл бұрын

@@anonymousnation5235 not being vulnerable amongst wolves is tearing it even more. I think it is rather the matter of boundaries, which often are neglected by vulnerable us.

@Letheseus

Жыл бұрын

.... Yes.... (which, of course, is not what the video is asking us to be)

@MeloBurgers

Жыл бұрын

growing up i HATED being made fun of (and to some degree i feel as though that’s actually justifiable) i think it was 50/50… 50- my family being shitty 50- me being “sensitive” i was at my exs (grandmas) place. my ex is a malignant narcissist. a “mutual friend” of ours also happened to be there. i had (unfortunately) fallen asleep and they stayed up. at some point i woke up and i was insanely tired, but (unbeknownst) to them i was cognizant… i’m ngl i felt like the living dead tbh and i even sat up like they be doing in the movies 😭 before i could say anything, his friend says, “why she look like the cryptkeeper?” and i just bust tf out laughing… (it still makes me laugh a little 😅) it was almost like the laugh was a wave and the remnants of the wave splashing at my feet was the hurt… (because niggas was not saying shit like that when i was awake) but it wasn’t too surprising as i could already tell my ex would work on his triangulation whenever i would leave so i don’t really blame his friend for succumbing to the pathetic nature of the narc, but it still hurt a little nonetheless… but at some point, i was overcome with the same feeling you get when a cloud is no longer blocking the sun, i felt… radiance, when i was able to appreciate that my genuine first response was to just laugh…

I used to close up whenever my ex-partner would be upset with me because anything I said would be viewed as a personal attack. My current partner noticed this early in our relationship and told me, "in my mind, I am constantly looking for ways to understand and forgive you. The more you tell me what you're thinking, the more you help me to forgive and love you". Never in my life have I felt such a massive weight off my chest get lifted.

@leighsagar1747

Жыл бұрын

omg... thats so cute 😍

@khirsah666

Жыл бұрын

Not in that exact words but in similar way I told my ex the same things and he said "I don't wanna explain everything. I did it with my ex and nothing changed so I'm not gonna do it with you." We broke up afterwards. So both sides have to be willing to do it and work on it.

@ninjaguysith

Жыл бұрын

@@khirsah666 I'm sorry you had to go thru that. It must have been tough.

@luv2dancesalsa465

Жыл бұрын

And… remain discerning and determine IF there are “significant but you ignore them anyway, since your partner was so ‘sincere’ when they explained you can disclose everything so they get to know you better thus they told you these things to manipulate you later… because they can be so patient and think long-term control” red flag markers for covert narcissism.

@kyupified2440

Жыл бұрын

@@khirsah666 I hope you also understand his side.

I feel that people don’t really want to go through all the phases of a relationship and find out that love can be resilient and isn’t always a smooth path

@Leo-mr1qz

Жыл бұрын

Good point. I'd also add that some people are just unable to be that vulnerable, unfortunately.

@colinstewart1432

Жыл бұрын

Anything worth having is, by nature, difficult to acquire. Good relationships especially.👍

@coreycox2345

Жыл бұрын

@@colinstewart1432, I might still be married if we had been less defensive but blunter with one another. Some of the most significant conflicts left undiscussed can result in much unhappiness. We both did it.

@TheScarletteWhisper

Жыл бұрын

Absolutely! Relationships are not meant to be easy, it does take work and self-growth, and growth together.

@TomPlayer4

Жыл бұрын

I want to, but for whatever reason i can´t overcome my anxiety to move on.. :(

This is truly excellent advice. My husband Lawrence and I have been together for almost 25 years, and we are just now beginning to "work out" some of the "bugs" that have intermittently plagued our great friendship and love affair. When we were talking to our 23 year-old daughter recently, I told her that I realized recently that some of my favorite things about her father are some of the very things that "drive me crazy" about him. He is, for example, extremely stubborn and sometimes unwilling to bend an inch. Depending on your perspective, these traits can also be viewed as determined, resolute, committed, devoted, and otherwise "positive." I asked him whether some of his favorite things about me also "drive him crazy." He agreed. Our daughter Lily thought this was funny. It really is not possible for two people to have more different personalities, and yet those differences have always been part of our passion. Recently, though, we have both become willing to discuss some of our respective traits that could be improved upon, which would benefit us as individuals and as a couple. When I sometimes perform weddings in my home state of Hawaii, I always tell couples 2 things. 1) If you are not talking to each other, something is desperately wrong. Figure out what is wrong and fix it. 2) Most of what you will fight about that seems to be about what is happening "here and now" is in actuality about unresolved issues from your pasts before you knew each other, maybe even from your childhoods. If you are willing, loving, open, and most importantly, trusting, you can can work on overcoming those things together toward a more "perfect union." Thanks again, School of Life for yet another intelligent, wise, thoughtful, and perhaps most importantly practical post. : )

@TalD

Жыл бұрын

What you tell couples is excellent advice! #2 especially. Thank you for sharing!

@kimberknutson831

Жыл бұрын

@@TalD You are so welcome. I am happy to hear you appreciated it. Thank you for saying so. Take care. : )

@rbylnz

Жыл бұрын

You just made me realize that one of the things that sometimes "drive me crazy" about my partner are also tied to his qualities that make me admire him so much (and to no one's surprise, those are qualities that are totally opposite mine). It's hard to notice these things when you are freshly "driven crazy" :) In such occasions, it's always nice to take a step back and evaluate the situation fairly, remembering why you actually love them. Thank you.

@kimberknutson831

Жыл бұрын

@@rbylnz Well said. I told my therapist yesterday that I believe that Lawrence and I are the great romantic loves of each other's lives, but I do not mean this sentimentally or esoterically. I do not, for example, believe in the concept of a "soul mate." Good relationships require "work" in the form of give and take, which can be difficult because it will mean dropping "shields and weapons" that were developed back in the day. I think that part of Lawrence's and my passion derives from familiarity, from a recognition of psychological and emotional dynamics that "look and feel" the same as what was being called "love" in our primary homes. The word "love" gets thrown around a lot. When I first met Lawrence almost 25 years ago, my then-therapist said that you should be careful with people who you meet who you feel as though you have known forever, "because you probably have" for good and ill. The School of Life has posted about "Rupture and Repair" previously. I guess that is what Lawrence and I have been doing all these years. Individually and together, we have attempted to "rupture" and then "repair" things that were broken in the past in order to heal and "form a more perfect union" here and now. As this video aptly posits, for a relationship to change and grow and deepen, we have to stop being defensive, which requires patience, trust, faith, vulnerability, generosity, understanding, empathy, compassion, love, and laughter also helps immensely. : ) Finally, a study was finished recently that is supposedly the longest study ever conducted about what constitutes happiness in human beings across time and cultures. The answer is rather obvious, isn't it? Deep, meaningful relationships with other people. Humans are social beings first and last. If your ability to socialize well and form meaningful bonds with other people is damaged, distorted, or broken by the example set in your primary home, you probably ought to fix that, which will probably involve other people besides a therapist. : ) Thank you for commenting, and good luck with your relationship. I bet that when our lives "flash before our eyes" near the end, every, single one of the memories involves someone we loved who loved us, too. Take care. : )

That animation is perfect, I couldn't stop laughing when she said 'you never share' and he put the ice cream in her face 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🍦🍦

@BeautifulEarthJa

Жыл бұрын

That was the highlight for me too lol

@romicor9

Жыл бұрын

When they crack an egg with a chainsaw 😆😂

@aftab277

Жыл бұрын

haha same

I think it is a slippery slope to let other people 'teach us who we should become'. Not just in romantic relationships, also platonic ones. I am all for striving for being the best version of yourself, and making an effort in life. BUT - one thing is to communicate openly about things that bother you in your relation. To tell someone (assuming they are not doing you any harm) that they are garbage and should change to your ideal vision of them, that is something different. Constructive criticism is sometimes necessary. But it is *very* important to reflect on who and what you 'criticise'. It the part you criticise any of your business? And if it is, make sure you communicate clearly, privately and in a positive way. Many people let their emotions get the better of them, and start to become super passive aggressive. (In short, check your own attitude before you criticise others attitude) I get that some people want to help other 'grow into a better version of themselves' by 'criticising'. Often people who are on their own improvement journey, and expecting their solutions to work for everyone else. Some people genuinely do want this - others use it as an excuse to be passive aggressive. Either way, many people who do this tends to overstep, impose their own 'solutions', without taking the time or effort to understand the root cause of the problem, or gain the level of closeness they should have. In other words, they tend to be very pushy, and to not respect the boundaries the 'defensive' person is trying to enforce. Either because they don't see them in their 'excitement' to help, or because they intentionally overlook them to gain an ego boost. Many people seem to think that the 'goal' is to not feel anything negative. But negative emotion tells you when someone is overstepping your boundaries. And sometimes, it is needed to defend your boundaries, because not everyone respect them. So when you feel 'defensive', it is important to understand the root cause of why you feel defensive. Then you evaluate wether it is an unwarranted insecurity you need to work on. Or if it is a fair reaction to someone ignoring your boundaries.

@RudyPalos

Жыл бұрын

I Agree x2 (op and 1st reply). Thanks for typing that all out. I can now get on with the day emotionally unscathed 🙃.

@Icheb82

Жыл бұрын

What you've just mentioned was one of the foundations of my past relationship. My BF being a high corporate employee (Project manager of some kind) insisted that I should abandon my current job and look for something more ambitious (e.g. apply for a job at a international corporation) because Im wasting my potential. At some point I've even considered that option and even got quite excited about switching careers. But I was hesitant and reluctant so he said the other day: " I wish my BF would earn some decent money so we could go places buy stuff etc." and that is when I saw a red light 🚨 and someone violating my boundaries. It later turned out he wasn't encouraging me to switch jobs so I can be a better version of myself but because he wanted to move to Spain and take me with him as a corporate employee. It was his dream that he insisted to bring to life no matter what. So we ended the relationship.

@aaronkaczowka5824

Жыл бұрын

People can not tell why they are being defensive. They believe it's because they are being attacked because that's how they feel. So if you feel defensive, it becomes impossible to think clearly about how your defensiveness is being caused by you. You're convinced it's due to your partner. And this is exactly where you need a honest and loving partner to politely show you, that you in fact are bringing the defensiveness to the situation but you feel like you're just reacting to it. And in order to do that you must admit your partner might know something about your motivation that you don't and can't see. Hence they must teach you. But a defensive person doesn't want to be taught simply because then they feel like they aren't as smart as the other person and get triggered. The first step is to disbelieve your feelings that lead to defensiveness and believe your partner and this video. The second step is to listen. You can't do this by yourself

@aaronkaczowka5824

Жыл бұрын

Well first of all people become defensive even when the other person is not criticizing them. However the defensive person feels like it is a criticism. John and Julie Gottman have a long series on criticism and I have studied it and know the difference between voicing a comment on someone's behavior and being critical of that person. However my wife who is defensive doesn't feel the difference at all and regularly conflates them. She understands the difference because she too has studied the Gottmans, but when it comes time to put that into practice, she just can't. That's because while she intellectually understands being defensive, she can't emotionally understand what she is doing.

@airsevens

Жыл бұрын

If someone feels offended by an attempt to communicate advice or a displeasure in action, the two communication styles are not resonating and maybe they should just end the relationship and stop trying to force things

"We are love worthy not because we are perfect, but because none of us can ever be" ❤️

@williamadams4066

Жыл бұрын

Hi, how are you doing?

One truly doesn't have to change just for someone else. But will improve for a loved one. There's no such thing as "love me for who I am" because who we are might be plagued with things that doesn't help us or our relationships. We need to be in constant change. Improvement. And receive feedback from someone we really love and trust.

@Israel-nb7ip

Жыл бұрын

The "love me for who I am" crowd are the last ones to take their own advice...at least in my experiences. They demand to be loved with all their flaws yet won't extend that love to other 'flawed' people.

@laviniatone1093

Жыл бұрын

@@Israel-nb7ip 👏👏👏

My ex was extremely defensive. I loved their other characteristics and attributes, but their defensiveness was just so robust without any signs of lowering that it chipped away at me for a long time. Eventually I had to end the relationship because I grew tired of the harsher tones, the furrowed brows and the ugly replies to genuine qualms.

@anonymousnation5235

Жыл бұрын

I know right? It's so frustrating when you approach someone with genuine conversation and advice but they turn it into a quarrel. I have this dynamic with my mother and I'm so out of patience.

@Israel-nb7ip

Жыл бұрын

In my own experience, I can deal with some level of defensiveness provided that the its a two-way street. One thing I've noticed about highly defensive people is that they also don't curb their own criticisms of others and especially their partners. So its a double-whammy of dealing with BOTH their defensive personalities and their own double-standard for how they want to be treated vs how they treat others.

@MixMeister5000

Жыл бұрын

I feel your pain , my last girlfriend was perfect for me in almost every aspect other than her being very defensive which just completely drained me that I couldn't deal with it anymore..

@ktpuss

Жыл бұрын

Like so many here, I’m really struggling with my partner and his defensiveness. It raises its head almost every time I chat with him (he’s usually silent so talking is rarely easy) I like to show interest in his day or help with stuff at home and I have a naturally enquiring mind but no matter the subject you can really feel it. I often check myself and long for him to respond to me by asking me things but he rarely does. Even on our first ‘date’ having a meal out he didn’t ask about me etc so guess it’s my fault but I just put it down to him being introverted it’s a shame as I’ve found he’ll sometimes lie about answers he does give also, despite being over quite small things. Of course how could I bring this up as it’d be met with defensiveness again 😢

@anonymousnation5235

Жыл бұрын

@@ktpuss I'd say don't "make him" talk to you. Introverted or not, a person who cares enough does communicate.

This presupposes that the criticism is legitimate and delivered in good faith, with at least a modicum of respect.

@chipdip1

Жыл бұрын

Not entirely. The way someone cooks their pasta or peels their hard-boiled egg would come from irritability? But if you're in a toxic relationship, defensiveness isn't the main focus, I'd say. Not all criticism is constructive; whether it deserves to be heeded is another argument, but you can *probably* be less defensive about hearing it.

With my partner, we've managed to create a great, bizarre union of tantrums and laughter. We may do and say stupid things but after calming down and sorting it out, they often become our well-meaning inside jokes. It's relieving to be able to explore our weaknesses together and not to drown on the way.

@aimeeegan2623

Жыл бұрын

I love this! I can relate too, after 22 years of continually learning about each other we have started to be less defensive (or at least explain why we are feeling defensive!) and come out the other side together!

It's a blessing to have a partner who tell you straight up when you not at your best. It's a hard at the beginning to not be defensive but then you realize their are actually caring more than anybody

I'm not sure if I'm being too defensive right now, but I feel like sometimes in a relationship there can be criticism that isn't constructive and won't help one's personal growth. There are times when you just have to defend your boundaries

@priyv8710

Жыл бұрын

definitly...its upto us to understand whether the intention is to bring us down or was it genuine constructive criticism..

Funny how the timing of this video comes right after I broke up with my ex. She was always extremely defensive in every argument and stubborn. The thing that differs me from her was that after a fight, I was willing to apologize and take accountability, yet she couldn't. She needed to ask me what she did wrong. Every argument she never listens to what I have to actually say, she just thinks of the next defensive comeback to reply with and by then, the fight escalates into something worse. This went on every single day until I finally just gave up and was tired of the fighting. I know I deserve better. I do not regret breaking up, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my chest. I've accepted it as incompatibility.

@meder07

Жыл бұрын

"She needed to ask me what she did wrong." (Kingson) and "in my mind, I am constantly looking for ways to understand and forgive you. The more you tell me what you're thinking, the more you help me to forgive and love you" (NinjaGuySith). Those two right there were missing in my ex, the trust to resolve issues was gradually depleted and I just got tired of it. I was constantly trying to understand her and why those two concepts were never articulated from her side. That feeling of unease when conflicts arose and were never fully resolved other than for changes to occur on my side, very unsettling. It opens conversation about how both parties can work together better. It seems like basic common sense in any relationship. These two concepts are going high up on my list of things to watch for early on to save us both time, not getting any younger and we all have things to do.

@nomkhosibuthelezi1208

Жыл бұрын

I am at this stage in my relationship but afraid to lose the love that we share but the emotional turmoil during conflicts 😢is just beyond me. No willingness to fix things…but all these negative emotional reactions…let me try work on it, will see with time

@er_5406

Жыл бұрын

@@nomkhosibuthelezi1208 courage

@blabla7652

Жыл бұрын

Happy for you! She does not sound like someone you could get into a loving relationship with for now. I hope she will work on herself. Good for you for choosing your own happiness ❤

I had the opposite problem. Let a guy criticize me and just accepted it until I eventually got to my breaking point. Super depressed. Then he dumped me. Being defensive is part of a healthy relationship, otherwise they walk all over you then devalue you. 😐

@matta6817

Жыл бұрын

If you just accept criticism and don't correct the behavior it will just lead to disaster.

@er_5406

Жыл бұрын

Accept criticism only if you agree. After a good and honest introspection.

the key to overcome defensiveness : saying thank you to your partner for wanting to help u become a better version of ourselves

The magic is in the trust level. From high trust comes assumed positive intentions. Then mutual submission. Love has found a home. Be trustworthy, or be a single.

@Leo-mr1qz

Жыл бұрын

Good point! Without trust there us no room for vulnerability.

As per usual you are sharing just the right video at the right time for me. Working on defensiveness in our relationship is something that my partner and I have recently been discussing. I always love seeing these videos and knowing that we are on the right path 😊

@theschooloflifetv

Жыл бұрын

Lovely to hear from you Katy and we're always glad to hear our films are reaching the right audience. All the best to you and your partner.

@Mamatsegga

Жыл бұрын

Happy New Year Changemakers! As always a timely and inspiring message. Could you please share one for adult siblings on defensivness, rapture and repair? Thank you.

@readwithelahe

Жыл бұрын

Same here! Good luck

Thanks so much for this video. Communication and honesty are the key aspects in every relationship, and by letting down our defenses, and working to better ourselves, we can have a better relationship with our partners.

@theschooloflifetv

Жыл бұрын

Thanks as always for watching Trina. These are certainly words to live by.

With tact and humanity. Well quite. Excessive and constant criticism is as harmful however. It has to be a balance? Like you have to offer a certain amount of positivity before negativity can be tolerated. But yes, working on being less defensive and listening is crucial also.

After being emotionally abused and abandoned, defensiveness becomes the survival mechanism. Talking about personal experience, my ex played with my emotions like a toy. And now, I don't want to open up to anyone. On the outside I look self-sufficient but only I know how terrified I'm.

@HereIAm247

Жыл бұрын

Joining the boat. Not an ex thankfully, but several people I have met through my life. My experience says not to trust other people, even if they claim they are 'nice'. Trust is not something you can just expect from another person, and trusting everyone is not necessarily a healthy thing.

@anonymousnation5235

Жыл бұрын

@@HereIAm247 agreed. Trust and mutual confidence is something two people build over time. People usually demand to randomly trust them. It doesn't work this way.

Thank you for helping me open my eyes about my fears and by doing so, litteraly saving my relationship.

What would you ideally like to say to your partner if they weren't at risk of becoming defensive? Let us know in the comments below.

@kcsunshinehippy8868

Жыл бұрын

Serve God by Loving Yourself

@bastiaan7777777

Жыл бұрын

What would you ideally like to say to your partner if they weren't at risk of becoming defensive? "I want to break up with you, we have grown apart".

@sgonzalez_guitarra

Жыл бұрын

@@bastiaan7777777 so do it

@readwithelahe

Жыл бұрын

“Bitcoin is not a good investment sell all your coins before you lose even more money!” 😅

@Melzasx

Жыл бұрын

@@sgonzalez_guitarra Eventually the break up will find him.

Im going to keep this in mind and try to say more thank yous to my partner instead of getting defensive or annoyed or mad. Thank you.

@HereIAm247

Жыл бұрын

Well... I don't know your relationship. But the goal is not to never feel anything negative. The goal is to understand why you feel defensive/mat - the root cause. And then you evaluate wether this is an unfair reaction from you - or if it is something that is normal to be defensive/angry about. For example disrespecting someones boundaries. I would take most advice on this channel with a grain of salt. There are some good points there, but sometimes, there is a good reason to be angry.

I always thought that a better version of us had to come before finding a partner. After watching this maybe having a partner can help a person to grow. Thanx, School of life.

No self, no problem. Two states of mind. 1. Self (ego) and 2. Not self. Hence Ryan Holiday's book " The Ego is the Enemy". When you are in a state of not self, no words can hurt you as there is no conceptual object for the words to collide with.

@TheSkystrider

Жыл бұрын

I also believe our egos (our subconscious mind) is a huge factor in distorted behavior. This can apply also to the person who is throwing colliding words. If they weren't listening to their ego, they wouldn't be so concerned that the other person is ever so slightly deviating from their conceptions of what is correct. IOW, the attacker can be more open and not actually care to attack/criticize/teach cuz they can actually recognize that the subject matter is in fact quite inconsequential. Or their approach will be much kinder eg asking if the other is interested in hearing their advice. The ego is probably a huge part of what convinced people they need to correct someone else, to be right, to win, to be perceived as wiser.

@emil5884

Жыл бұрын

You can't wish yourself out of existence.

The immaturity check marks are a good detail.

This is my biggest challenge at this point in my life. I look forward to to being able to turn to my partner and ask her to tell me more instead of throwing a wall up and taking everything personally.

U guys are honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I always learn something out of your videos be it related to me or not. I am immensely grateful to u guys. Keep up the good work my best wishes for you.

The older I get the less I'm able to deal with defensiveness on a personal level to be honest. Fighting just takes up so much energy especially when the goal is not to resolve the issue but to answer to someone's past unresolved trauma. It might be because I do that professionally that I have very little energy for it personally. I was honestly just recommend that people work very hard on being open to change, once you can do that you're in a whole new world.

Sometimes asking for feedback feels like opening a can of worms, more especially when it comes to a partner who does not appreciate small details but always looking at what you are doing wrong

@SepiaMaddy

Жыл бұрын

Right? Not all people give constructive and fair criticism. It's not rare to receive mean comments, just because their day had been bad. But if those comments are based on truth, it can be so difficult to see if you should actually believe them (and maybe become insecure because it's not possible to fix) or become defensive about it to save yourself.

@kaizerkeaitse2828

Жыл бұрын

@@SepiaMaddy You are spot on 💯

ALAIN FOR ME YOU'RE THE MODERN PHILOSOPHER THIS WORLD IS IN DEEP NEED FOR. KEEP UP THE DE BOTTON VOICE-OVERS!

Could you pls make a video on the science of friendship.Why some people become good friends. Why good friends betray,and the reason behind it.

❤️🙏🏼 Great Wisdom here. Love this channels commitment to the art of being human and in relationship (with self, the Divine, nature, each other….)

Ahh this is so useful. Need reminding of this at all times. Also the animation is beautiful 🙌

After 50 years on this planet I finally learned not to be defensive now life is so much easier.

@HereIAm247

Жыл бұрын

Just remember, when people ignore your boundaries, it is okay to defend them. If they do not listen, it is sometimes necessary to tell them louder. The goal is to understand your reactions, and why they occur - not to suppress every negative emotion you get. Sometimes, they are what warns you when someone is disrespecting you.

Just love them. Agape applied when joint insanity is understood. I don't seek or desire a partner I am far too failed to be a partner or equal or sameness I'm just a failure of problems no man needs. Men need peace I don't bring peace I have too many fails. I prefer my spendildis solitude. I'm afraid of trying a relationship because the person requires more than I can grow. Thank you is a lesson few receive or want.

SO TRUE. But it is also important to differentiate between constructive and toxic criticism, in order to maintain and remain in a healthy relationship (and not just romantic relationships). So much to learn, and so grateful for School of Life ...

I love your videos, and this was a good one, but I don’t feel like it greatly addressed how to get less defensive in relationships. I feel this did a great job of discussing what defensiveness was and what the end goal is, but I didn’t get much on the how. Would love more detail on how to get from defensive to end goal ❤

@rickicherry9073

Жыл бұрын

For example, what if the feedback isn’t something changeable, or it isn’t something that’s valid (such as misinterpretations of your intentions, or feedback regarding a disability)? When it isn’t something you can change, how do you not be defensive?

Thankyou for the knowledge you share.

These vids are honestly like therapy to me 👏

When I get defensive, it seems to me that I'm saying that the other person is wrong. The other corrosive element of defensiveness is what you said about why relationships fail--people don't feel like the other person doesn't listen. And there is something even more serious--I can feel like I have to defend myself or the person will see that I'm not worth staying with. Understanding and avoided defensiveness is so important in part because it seems so natural and even wise.

@TheSkystrider

Жыл бұрын

Interesting. I will reflect on this. I'm pretty pro defensiveness and anti-criticizing but you've made me think... If I'm the one feeling the need to defend, I'm unable to control the other person (whether it's an attack or kind suggestion) so all I can do is work on my own part of it - so maybe I can revisit my stance and realize that I might be trying too hard to "look good" and worry less about that - maybe the other person will be proud of me for agreeing to try and grow. Thank you.

The animation is superb!

I agree with nice video. We are all defensive at times and interaction with others are the way to get over it!

Omg this video hits too close to home 😂🏡. Working as a dental clinic employee I've only recently discovered the horror that is my partner not brushing his teeth on a daily basis. Somehow for the last two years this fact escaped my attention. Initially I've reckoned it's best to ignore the issue because I thought that apart from an occasional bad breath it's just a minor quirk. But now I feel frustrated because I don't know how to approach him in a way that won't trigger defensiveness. Plus oral hygiene is something very basic yet essential to me. Plus I'm just a bit frightened that his response will be... hostile? Damn those relationships 🤐

The animation for this one was extremely funny. Well done.

I like the “immaturities” form. 1:41

This was interesting 🧐 I liked it especially with my favorite narrator from the school of life

I love these , I have been trying to learn through therapy how not to react. I feel my partner and I still require some therapy together to understand also mindfulness when we speak and how we react

@HereIAm247

Жыл бұрын

A tip: read up on giraffe/wolf language. It is explained kind of funny, but it is a very effective tool to use in discussions to have open and positive communications. :)

Thank you!

This explain may of my past relationships. They were defensive and here I was in absolute dismay and clueless what suddenly changed.

I needed to see this video. I had a nasty break-up with my girlfriend of nearly a year. I was so defensive. I wanted to be loved for who I was, not who I was at my best. She told me whenever she went online, she viewed it as a chore because of us. She said she didn't want to view me as an obstacle to her happiness. She said she felt anxious, sad, and angry. She said she's cursed at me many times. I said I didn't believe I could improve. I let my self-doubt get in the way of our relationship. Of course, she hurt me too with the things she said. She kept her emotions bottled up until the very end of our relationship, and then snapped at me after the "last straw."

THE ICECREAM PART. I’m dead. 💀 I can’t stop laughing!!!

What an awesome little video!!!

Thank you school of life.

Great advice this video provides!

I shall try to incorporate this into my life.

Love the check marks on the immaturity list.

2:52 😂😂❤

i do hope i can accomplish this in myself and help another develop it too maybe

The animation! ❣️👏🙌

Please keep making more and more content

@theschooloflifetv

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Bobby - and rest assured, we have no plans to stop making films! Please keep returning to our account, we release a new film every Wednesday.

thank you!

Take care of YOU really well, good SELF CARE boundaries are important. Thanks I'll take that into consideration.

Oohh this is helpful in having a healthy relationship. ❣

spirit of true love is the wavy vibes of fixing your wavy vibes

I fear the sudden shift in delivery. Like when someone doesn’t know how to present the issue at hand or even understand that timing is everything. The sudden shift rocks my world and I think “Is it going to be like this forever?”

I think this is the right message entirely. The message people often get is to hold their partner to standards that are often unreachable. It leads to more defensive reactions and people often leaving a relationship without even trying to work it out. I also do feel that women have a side to them that is unattracted (especially sexually) to vulnerable men. I don't know the answer, but if there is one, it would look like women still seeing the best in men that aren't perfect. The culture needs to swing back to loyalty as a virtue if we want men to be vulnerable. I think people today will claim loyalty as a virtue, but it's not reflected in their actions of going through so many relationships and it's not called out the way it used to be.

5/19/24 11:47 AM Wow, seriously brilliant the idea of being grateful for the feedback and complaints, and constructive criticism, from your partner.👍

I think this is the best channel.

The problem in a relationship can be that one becomes abusive. Sometimes the assaults are so subtle that you almost don't notice them.

@quickgirl80

Жыл бұрын

Sounds like you have encountered a narcissist before.

@andreasgrunder7003

Жыл бұрын

@@quickgirl80 you can experience this even if you are not together with a narcissist. It has to do with To bring someone into colonial dependency. Colonization is nothing else but the attempt to rule over others - against their will, but unfortunately often with their tolerance.

I agree that defensiveness is the number one problem, but this shows only one side of the coin - as it is often (not always) preceeded by aggressiveness. I often find it hard to believe how so many people treat their pertners like their worst enemy, or just as an easy target to vent frustrations not even caused by them.

beautiful.

2:52 that was so cute

i like this a lot but i wish the best for us all we all got triggers and trauma

1:40 - made my day, for real!! 😂😂😂

i should check here before anywhere, going to turn on the notifications

@siiinchronized

Жыл бұрын

soundtrack after the trash ban. touché

People often share stories about their 'red flags', and I get it in some cases, but usually it's better response to talk about it instead of cutting it off completely there and then, no matter the phase of the relationship.

Very good thime.

🥂 to the best philosophical school ever!

@theschooloflifetv

Жыл бұрын

Cheers to you too!

The world changes, which to me says a person also is forced to adapt or perish. A relationship does not protect anyone from this imminence. If someone acts like a relationship (or attention in general, heck, just success in general) now allows them to be free of adaptation, it can get sucky for all involved. Another thought. I think experience fixing things, can probably give confidence: in things being able to be fixed. If you haven't fixed a lot of things, I dunno, solved some problems successfully, managed to turn bad into good in some way at some point more than the opposite of destroying things, letting mistakes fester and become issues, ignoring responsibility and relevance...it might be very difficult to solve conflicts in relationships. A little bit of confidence does go a long way, actually.

I do not be defensive in relationship.I know the value and effects of anger.I would let them shout,howl or blast over me and would be calm and listen silently to them. For THEY needed someone to vent their anger and talk to.Their brain wouldn't stop thinking about me and inspite of several fights I never gave up on them coz I knew that it was me who would listen.They also know that had it been someone else then they wouldn't have listened to their words. Listening silently, keeping calm & pin drop silence,not arguing,non-reactive,no verbal abuse or heated altercation,no frowning, wearing a smile and giving a tight hug after fights are key to success to a good relationship.

Good video but it didn't really dig into the reason most people are defensive or how to get past it. In our childhoods we were constantly criticized and shamed for not being perfect. Our parents likely thought this is the way to raise us without recognizing there are better ways to do so that doesn't leave psychological damage. Thus the anger and criticism we receive from our partners becomes more of the same scary shaming we experienced in our childhood instead of the healthy expression of boundaries two people need to establish to trust each other. To move past this always comes back to the need to heal ourselves of what TSOL calls so perfectly "our primal wounds".

I missed your voice!!!

My girlfriend really needs to watch this. She's really defensive. Luckily I'm not and very patient with her.

Good sh*t!! Funniest when knives of hurtful sayings can't pop the heart balloon!

See Dr. David Burns : The Five secrets to communication.

Cracked me up when I saw the ice cream screen lol

Well explained and presented. Really like this one 👍🏼

I hate how defensive I am, my therapist says it probably started as a child because my parents yelled first and constantly judged me, but I'm working on it and we can all get to the place we want to be

These are the kind of relationships that foster self-growth and make you a better person.

I really feel bad about this attitude of mine and wish I can really change but I often get triggered always feeling the other person is not understanding me

i just can’t get past 3 years worth of awkward, cold, abrupt, ponderous, defensive, rude, joyless, deeply awful first dates in Australia.. Alains beautiful words isn’t even registering ..

I feel like I need it to protect myself sometimes being bullied and being put down by some cruel people I feel i need it. But I also feel I need to let it go sometimes too… I just can’t

The people watching this are not the ones who need to hear this, and the ones who need to hear this would never watch this.

Hmm, but what about the messaging? I think this video is one of the rare school of life ones that I find unhelpful. Defensiveness is definitely a problem in relationship, but so is criticism. There is not enough emphasis on the important of tact and understanding on the part of the partner giving feedback. Not many people could avoid defensiveness in the face of a partner attacking their character and blaming them for relationship difficulties as a result of their character flaws. More to the point, should people in that situation be avoiding defensiveness? There's a balance to be struck between having a growth mindset and taking criticism on board vs allowing someone to make you their scapegoat.

@j4513

Жыл бұрын

Exactly. I have chosen for my eight years of marriage to not criticize my husband. Just doesn’t really mesh with my personality. There are other ways to communicate. That come from a place of love and understanding. Of course, it still likely won’t work out if a person is with a toxic or abusive individual though.

no, thank YOU Alain de Botton!

2:45

You have to trust who they think you can be