As a dutch saying goes : hollow drums make the loudest noise. Therefore shouting is a proof/admittance of incompetence. And the other person knows it. Even if they obey.

Sometime you have a misunderstanding with your child and later you think that you was wrong; go to the child and make your excuse.

For me independence is not only letting my son make mistakes, it is also about letting him figuring out the solution with verbal ques. So last year, he was 1,5 yo, we were at this amusement park and he ran up a net in the playground. It was totally safe, but his feet were sliding through and he off course did not like this. Instead of picking him up and carrying him out, I told him to watch his feet and put them down on the knots. This way he was able to pick himself up and walk back down. He was so proud. Now, one year later, I still catch him saying: "watch my feet" whenever he walks on these sorts of nets. So telling him: "you can do this" takes time and I also have to resist helping him and offering an easy solution, but it makes him feel accomplished and proud. He learns a new skill, even though he is very young and it was a bit scary (although completely safe, its just no fun seeing your boy stuck) , he really learned about what he is able to do. So it's putting my feelings aside to let him shine.

Giving too much attention to the things your child does wrong or when it is acting up will show the child that the best way to get your attention is to act naughty. That's why it is so important to acknowledge the good things as well.

My plattsdeutch grandpa would sing a song while bouncing children on his knees, "tweedle tweedle dumpling, my son John, went to the market with his stockings on; one shoe off, one shoe on, tweedle tweedle dumpling, my son John.". He could use simple humor and love to bring joy to any child.

It’s interesting that most things are things you do without even thinking about. It’s when mentioned in the video you think “oh yeah, ofcourse”. It comes so natural.

I had no fun in making hundreds of rules, so I teach my children: there are only two rules. Are you damaging something with your actions? Are you hurting someone or yourself? Don't! So there was no need to make up many rules. What I loved when they were little and bring them to bed. I asked what the disliked and liked of the day. I end with the positive question. Could be big or little like a flower or sunset, play with friends. There are so much graceful things and it nice to mention them as parent and child. Also you can discover when they are sobbing about something. Sometimes when I was furious earlier that day, I thought my children would mention that, but they never did.

My challenge as an Asian mom with a Dutch husband is to find that balance between giving my boys freedom to express themselves (which is the dutch way) but at the same time making sure my boys know their limits on what's ok to say (typical of most asian cultures). Nice vlog! I'm new to your channel and look forward to watch more of your videos.

@JoviesHome

4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching- I'm so glad you are here!

I love hearing your views on us Dutchies and our methods. It also depends on the parents a lot. I happened to have a very toxic mom and later (once I found him) a toxic dad too. I really won the lottery on that one. It took some serious therapy to get to be a normal person as an adult. I don't want to have children, but it took me as an adult learning the normal kiddie-rules, to get there. It's fun to see your opinions! And the feeling of having to be perfect all the time, I can relate to, but in a way that I was never enough for my mom, or if I was, she was jealous of me. (I learned that later as an adult) Nowadays I can finally open the front door in my PJ's with my hair a mess, without feeling guilty or bad about myself. I don't do that as a rule, but if the mailman happens to ring the doorbell at 9 in the morning, then yeah, this nightowl is going to open the door just the way I am.

@AcademicAshley

4 жыл бұрын

Sorry for your painful past! I hope you found a way to be happy with yourself 💕

Wat je aandacht geeft groeit. That what you give attention grows. Spend all your attention on things kids shouldnt do and they do it more... Spend attention to stuff you like and you have a nice time together. This principale works in parenting but it also works in sociaty.

Hi Jovie. One of the things I thought my kids when my kids were very young was a way to let them tell the truth always. I told them that if they did something that they shouldn’t have, they should come to me and say mam I or we did something wrong. Promise not to be upset. That was the arrangement. Tell the truth and not get punished for it. I never got angry but did explain why they should have been punished. To learn from it. And as teenagers they told me almost everything. Because they were used to open up and tell what they did wrong. Now as a young adult it is still this way. So it worked. Proud of them that they’ve developed this way. There where moments they both say they didn’t do it and had a little fight between them. Then I told them to go into the hallway. And they could only come back if they told who did it. What happened was they start talking about who should say to have done it. 1 the weren’t fighting anymore. 2. I explained why it was wrong 3. No one got angry and they played together nicely the rest of the day. Hope this will help you in the challenging parenting. Important is to enjoy being a mom. And enjoy having them around you instead of worrying and correcting them all the time. I sometimes looked the other way. It is okay to make mistakes as you say so yourself. They learn from them. And were young too doing the exact same things. Good luck and enjoy!!!

It's also important to realize that children at any age function as a mirror to yourself. So if you have a hard time raising your kids, or a 'bad day', take some time to think about how you are feeling and acting yourself.

When i was like 15/16 I knew I was allowed to make mistakes, for example alcohol: I knew the dangers, I knew what can happen.. but because I was allowed to make mistakes I wasn’t afraid if something would happen to talk to my parents or call them to help me.. that is the biggest thing I think

@Widdekuu91

4 жыл бұрын

Exactly..my parents were álways there to pick me up with the car, no matter what. If I'd ever robbed a bank (which I haven't!) I bet they would've picked me up, driven me to the police-station, helped me fill out a form, helped me give the money back, searched for a therapist to help me out, offered to pay my rent, offered to wash the balaclava and keep it in their cabinet so I wouldn't be tempted and then a plate of warm food because it was a long day.

Hai Jovie it's also important to know that as a parent your not perfect you are also a human and humans can make mistakes as specially in our emotions like you lost your kid out of sight and when you find them and you react angry out off emotions then you can later on when you are calm tell them that you where really scared and your sorry but so glad there back it is a lesson for the kids to see that you are a human with emotions and that you as a parent also can make mistakes and admit them. I love to watch your videos

Praise your kids 10 times more than you criticise them! And watch your words and actions, it takes max. 10 minutes to clean up spilled milk, it takes much much longer to fix a broken spirit in a child. Positive parenting. Do not say 'NO' or 'DON'T' too much. In stead of: "Don't jump on the couch!" try saying: "The couch is for sitting, please remember that." It really shifts everything if your communication is positive and you praise good behavior.

@Widdekuu91

4 жыл бұрын

Not to mention, I work with kids and some kids literally only hear; ' -Dont- jump on the couch.' if you say that.

I as a dutch raised, have been yelled at and felt my mothers impotence on my booty sometimes too. It happens to the best of us. Loose your Cool. Dutch parents are by no means perfect and it's ok not to be perfect. It is ok to loose your cool sometimes. (I don't condone yelling or worse hitting children, but I do understand why it happens sometimes.) All feelings that need to be shown, children learn from that too. It is an opportunity to teach them and sometimes yourself why it happened and ofcourse tell you're sorry that you made a mistake and that you will try to be better as you hope your child will try be better. It's no excuse to beat your kid repeatedly ever, ofcourse. And even Dutch parents are scared to leave them out alone or let them climb on the monkey bars when they are way to young in your oppinion. You are allowed to have those feelings, they are your babies. You just don't show them at that specific moment, but tell them when they are grown. ;)

@Widdekuu91

4 жыл бұрын

There's a difference between hitting a child on the (clothed) behind with a hand and someone using utensils (spoons, flip-flops, belts, otherwise) on bare skin. If you don't feel the impact it has, with your own hand, or there are threats involved (get the belt! or 'now you'll pay' or 'you deserved this!') then it becomes abusive. You can hit once, right after the behaviour happened, after which you apologize and explain yourself. Don't hit the child if it made a mistake or failed through incompetence, only once, on the behind or lower arm, if it misbehaved on purpose.

I have a very content 17 yr. old. I had headaches so bad when he was little, I would have auditory hallucinations if I had any additional stress. Sometimes I would say no for no reason or be snappy. I learned to apologize and say "You were right and I was wrong," My illness let him be more free range chicken, than I might have let him be. I accepted (two many) puppies at a particular developmental period and had the neighbor kids over a lot, my son learned to be very social. It's funny and embarrassing, but we joke about him being raised with the wolves. I remember visiting his preschool at 3, as I spoke to the teacher, he sat with 2 boys who were squabbling, he told them to stop fighting, you are taking up playtime. They were happy the remaining 1/2 hour we were there. Concern with our strange life made me talk and consult with him. I think I used the Dutch method by force, but it worked beautifully.

Apart from approaching children with a positive attitude I think it's also important to make them aware of you (the parent) being human. There are two aspects to that. First we are not constant. Meaning we have energetic moments, but also lazy or tired moments. Sometimes we feel like we can handle anything, yet sometimes a bit is almost to much. And so on. Children can anticipate on that. Second, children can understand that you are not just a parent. You are a parent, a lover, a neighbor, a friend, a patient, a helper ..... and change roles all the time. Children can appreciate that. And of course with very young children you're mostly a parent, but as they grow up they need(!) to experience you in those other roles as well. Great video!

@JoviesHome

4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing this- I appreciate you!

Great video, Jovie! You may be interested in this book: "The Happiest Kids in the World" by Rina Mae Acosta and Michele Hutchison. They are an American and English expat respectively, both raising children in the Netherlands.

@nitwit999

4 жыл бұрын

Watch the KZread film with the title "Bringing up children the Dutch way | Michele Hutchison | TEDxKazimierz"

Wat I love about the Dutch system is as a English / Dutch woman: If you feel like you need to figure out why your child is behaving a particular way, or won't sleep. There are people that can help you at the children ggd. And it is awesome. No judging, just wanting the best for your child.

@KayKayshaw

4 жыл бұрын

What is children ggd? :)

@da1stamericus

4 жыл бұрын

@@KayKayshaw it is where you take your child to be vaccinated. It might also be called ouder en kindcentrum, or something else in your region. It can help with rearing tips from 0 to 18. :)

Dan heeft mijn moeder dat toch goed gedaan🥰 Mijn knieën zitten onder de littekens en ik ben 40. Een uitspraak van haar daarbij. Gelukkig is de broek nog heel dat vel dat heelt wel.🥰

wow! I'm flabberghasted by this video. This is ideal parenting and keeping the mental sanity of children in optimum state.

Jovie, great topic! Thank you for the tips! Can’t wait for the next video

Hi Jovie, I'm now a 66 year old dad and my children are now a man of 24 and a woman of 25. I can't say boy and girl because they are both independent human who exactly know how to behave and know how to behave towards other people. My wife and myself are very different with parenting. My wife is very protective and giving in when they asked for something that was not right for that moment, for example candy before dinner or first playing before homework. And my kids knew that if my answer was NO it stays NO but I explained why. My way was more like you said, learn from your mistakes. Sometimes they came home with bruises or torn and dirty clothes. We live near a forest and they loved to play there with other kids and you can imagine what happened most of the time, one or more kids had some damage, also my own kids. Then I was always thinking of my own childhood and the crazy things we did, I got 6 or 7 times a year injuries that are doctors appointment worthy and get me more stitches then my mother wanted because I was always reckless at some point. But I was at a very young age very independent where my wife was very protected by her parents and siblings.

Been watching your vlogs since I moved here last year. I am also glad to have found your channel 😉 All the best

@JoviesHome

4 жыл бұрын

Thank you! I'm so glad that you are here.

I even have moments were I scream to my daughter but then very quickly talk normal again. But with the rest I totally agree. I loved growing up here.

@JoviesHome

4 жыл бұрын

We have all had those moments. No one is perfect!

A very good observation Jovie. That explains why our prime minister can ask for coöperation and responsible behaviour during the Covid-19 crisis. It is a kind of negotiated house rule. At the same time we like to interpreted this rule to our own benefit and not like to take it absolutely.

There is a theory/book on turning things around, omdenken/flip thinking. It is a major hidden factor in Dutch culture and you'll find it everywhere...from why there is a deposit on plastic bottles to how we handle business, control weapons (hunter here) and steer our kids. On the anger part, my granny used to say: "from the moment you let your anger/frustration dictate an argument...you've lost (that argument) " -> keep the emotions in check and don't resort to drama but have a factional, reasonable discussion while showing that you are capable to control the situation. (BTW, i like the shouting is proof of incompetence thing from below)...

'We don't make mistakes, we have happy little accidents' - Bob Ross -

I think no human wants to be told something and not know why. To feel powerless and insecure. To be at the mercy of someone else. To not have a sense of control or understanding over your own life causes stress. So if you explain it to a kid you have less conflict and the kid understands why he/she has to do something. And is more likely to actually do it. Hihi its different leadership styles I guess. Dutch parents are the leader not the boss. Big difference. You want independent secure kids who aren't afraid to ask their parents for advice if needed. No screaming at your kids: you are teaching your kid how to react when you are upset. So thats how they will react when they are upset. If you are a screaming parent you get screaming kids. I remember when I was a kid and screamed for my moms attention my mom used to react with "hun mommy will only react if you ask me nicely without screaming". My mom would simply not answer me if I screamed. Only when I went " mommy may I...." she would answer.

from a father who's oldest 2 children have left the house and tyhe last one soon to follow. We never asked from our children to behave in a certain way if we could not explain it to ourselves why that behaviour was important. We always asked ourselves do we want out children to act in a certain way because we were used to it? Or is there a good reason for this today? For instance. How late are children going to bed. The oldest needed more sleep than the second. So that was enough reason to put the oldest (3 years difference) earlier to bed. Also at the age of 15 we expected from them to go to bed at sensible times. If they did not enough sleep we explained what they could do about it. But it is there own problem as long as they do not take it out on others. We very rarely had to insist that it was sleeping time. And it often happened we got earlier to bed. Only make rules if you have a very good reason en then make sure they understand the rules but also expect them to follow them. (This start early and at the time they are 18 they rarely needed instructions on that. It is all about giving room for their own mistakes) Our oldest has been drunken once (when he was away with fellow students), he did not like to loose control and that was a one time experience. We actually had a lot of fun as a family when we found out.

Speak in a soft tone: My husband laughed out loud at this remark, his mother is from the Jordaan is Amsterdam.....She only has one level of tone: loud. We love her too bits, but it was something I had to get used to as someone from another part of the Netherlands hahaha

@da1stamericus

4 жыл бұрын

The frisians are also loud.. And all other farmers. Hahah

@ronaldderooij1774

4 жыл бұрын

Loud is soft in the Jordaan (Amsterdam). My mother had a friend from there. My God, I can still hear her voice 40 years later.

This was so interesting! I hate when I lose my temper with my kids so I will be trying out quite a few of these techniques

@JoviesHome

4 жыл бұрын

Let me know how it goes!

i believe in #2! this is something i really want to implement as a parent in the future

Love this video. I’m a new mom (born dutch) and thinking about how I want to raise my little girl. At 5 months in I’m just keeping her healthy and happy :p

I sometimes watch American shows, documentaries and I always see young people going over the top to be great, the best, be better than others etc etc etc. I find that shocking. When they make mistakes they're being made ridiculous, by teachers, trainers, friends and parents. American kids must be on the edge of a nervous breakdown all the time. That's how I see it. It's not bad being last, or worst or whatever. I'm not competative at all, my parents never made a problem of that. I'd enjoy playing a game, but being last wasn't a problem for me or my parents. As long as I had fun.

If you can, try to read the book "Waarom? Daarom!" by Roué Verveer. He is a Dutch comedian from Surinam and wrote about parenting in Surinam and in The Netherlands. About how he was raised in Surinam and how he raises his children in The Netherlands.

Today I was thinking exactly about this. I always say we have a democracy in our house and Audrey is not just a child, she has equal rights as we do.

@ronaldderooij1774

4 жыл бұрын

Equal? I don't know about that. Maybe if she is 12+? But there are things in life where children are simply not equal. Like when my mother decided to help an aunt with severe depression and take her in our home for 2 months. You cannot ask children to have an opinion about that. Or when my father decided he did not want to move with his employer and thus was a summer without work. You cannot ask a child to be equal on that.

@henkvandervossen3518

4 жыл бұрын

One time, my youngest son, he was around 14 at the time, run against one of our boundaries. I forget which one. He said, but dad, I thought we live in a democracy. He got as reply, Wouter, you are right. But a household is a guided democracy. You all get a say, but the ultimate decision is ours. But as parents, we are supervised too. De kinderbescherming, child protection services, are there to supervise rules being reasonable and not excessive. So, if we get too bad, you can call them. I guess he never did.

This video should be mandatory for ALL American parents and future parents. Perhaps Americans would grow into adults who are less crazy with their ability to think more preserved.

My mom she used to say no is no and that doesn't change Your parents are also just human they can also make mistakes As a parent being scared and panicking just don't let your child see it When you that you teach your children that it is something to be afraid of it just like different phobias

thas how i do it... 1. teach children only what they should know at their age, not what they should know. 2. The evening meal is the most important time of the day. It is taken through the day. and everyone can tell their story. 3. Children must have a household task, such as cleaning the table or doing the dishes. 4. always be honest with your child no matter how old they are. 5. Don't reward them for things that are normal, they should know that they don't always have rewards for the things they do. 6. As a parent you are not always right, and if a child is right say so. Oh I forgot one thing. The Netherlands is not only Amsterdam. there are very big differences between the south and the north ..

@ronaldderooij1774

4 жыл бұрын

Yep, that sums it up nicely.

Yeap, I was one of the ones who commented on not stressing out in front of your children and to include them in the household as humans, thank you very much. I actually learned a great eye opening experience, here in the US from my wife (ex-wife). Her parents were very solid, very good, very accomplished, achiever-like, able and successful people. They were(are) rich and provided for my wife very well, although, they did not spoil her (by some perspectives). And there was time, for many years my wife's mother only worked (officially?) for 6 hours per day or so, so she would have the time to be a good mother. However, her parents were very active, they were busy bodies and had productive things on their mind for 18 hours each day. They were very gracious, kind and respectful to me but there was something off, strained, not right between my wife and her parents. One day I asked my wife to just calmly explain what it is because I care and want to understand. My wife said: they are good people, very able and accomplished and have, more than, provided for my every need, and always. I am thankful and I cannot fault them for anything. But they so involved themselves with their adult, serious matters, tasks and challenges that when I confided in them, went to them with my issues and problems, their response was one one patty, my issues were childish, little, insignificant. My wife said: and maybe they were, but they were very important issues for me, as a small girl. If they didn't outright say it, it was clear from their body language. The fact that that particular green eye shadow just doesn't look good on me with my fair skin and blond hair while the same shadow looks awesome on Jenny with her darker tone skin and dark red hair may be so non sensible to my dad but it is a major problem and issue to a 16 year old girl. Many of those things accumulated made me feel that my life was not important that my existence didn't matter, not for the next 10 years anyway. Our children are not adults but they are FULL human beings. Imagine two 9 year old children who, one day, decide to walk or bicycle home from school together. One asks the other: Where do you live? Two possible answers! 1) My house is three streets over. 2) My parents house is three streets over. Take a minute, please, to think this over, ponder over it for a minute. What a difference in the two answers. While my Dutch mother is no longer with us, I know exactly! how she would calmly respond to my request to play soccer (sorry...voetbal) in the middle of the living room: ""Ohhh No, absolutely not, not having any of that, that's silly,...crazy idea!"" "but mom, it's cold outside" ""Oh, I know sweetie,...I can't help you with the temperature, it is what it is, but voetbal is an outside sport. Why don't you grab your skates and go ice skating...with your friends?"" "Maaah-om!!!" ""And then what happens when you guys kick the ball high, a that will happen!, and knock over our favorite crystal flower vase, which you can only get in Germany and so few are made? What are you going to do then? How are you going to replace that ? Bicycle to Heidelberg?"" --and she retracts to an even softer tone, alost speaking to herself but I can hear every word-- "" Oh my o my, my goodness, I can see this now, I'd be a nervous wreck watching you guys play, fearing the survival of all our nice things. I's be too nervous to start dinner in the kitchen and then no one would have dinner at 6. -- a warm smile and eye contact-- No no no boys, why don't you go outside and see what there's to do out there, see what your friends are up to. Dinner in 2 hours,..okay?""

@KayKayshaw

4 жыл бұрын

absolutely

@JoviesHome

4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing this. It's so meaningful to read. It's so important that our children know that their problems matter. Your Mom sounds like she was a wonderful communicator. Thank you again- you have such a way with words.

You can't tell kids why they shouldn't do a certain thing. They generally won't really get it. Have them experience it and it's a mistake they make once.

I don't think I ever forbade my son anything after he was 12 or so. It turned out to be perfect for him. But, I think it is not for every child the right method. I was raised with strict rules, but also a lot of freedom. However, not enough to my taste. I was triggered by my boss talking about his daughter's upbringing. The only thing he said was "just don't bother too much about your child and don't interfere. In 99% of cases they will develop themselves and if not, they will ask you themselves". That was my "leitmotiv" since then. It worked for my son (he is now 21). My boss his daughter turned out well too, studying English at university, except that she already was a chainsmoker at 14 years old. Not everything works every time….

Jovie en Daan jullie zijn geweldig!

One important parenting skill is that my son will not ever get met angry. He sometimes gets very frustrated or angry, even slams doors or tries to hit me or kick me, but I won't return anger with anger; I will return anger with understanding. Let him release the pent up frustration and just stay calm and let him vent it. Then start conversation to relax him and try to find out why he is frustrated. (The feeling of constant being told what to do is often a source built up frustration and tention).

Parenting in America is quite aggressive. I seen parents slap their child, spank then hard, curse at them with heavy profanity words. It sounds like the Dutch way of parenting is less stressful and better compromises. I could never make comprises with my parents, they would take a slipper spank me hard then later you become scared of your parents, scared of to say what you think without fear of being hit.

And yes, let your children learn from their mistakes! And let them takes risks, that's how they learn to trust themselves and their own abilities and florish in life. It gives them confidence and they need that in life! How can they learn to trust themselves and their alilities if the parent stands next to them shouting to be careful? Let them explore and mess up!

Plus white bread with hagelslag for breakfast 😁

All the while you were speaking, of course I went back to my own childhood which I thought was pretty good (until I talked to my siblings😁) and then I heard this enormous ruckus next door between my Dutch neighbors (mother, son and grandmother). So much for the theory of soft voices being applicable. Back to the drawing board I guess. I do know one thing Jovie. No matter which choice of discipline you will make in your parenting career, it will always be seen at some point as incorrect by your children .. that is, until they have children of their own. Good luck🌹.

@blackvulcan100

4 жыл бұрын

Love that !!

@JoviesHome

4 жыл бұрын

Yes, there are always exceptions to the rules! That is a good point too- all children see faults until it is their turn. Thank you for being here, I appreciate you!

I grew up in a Dutch generation where, as a 4 year old in elementary school, I wasn’t nice to an other child and my teacher took me aside, told me I was very naughty, smacked my bottom and told me to go inside for the rest of recess. I was crying and kept saying I was sorry and that I wanted to say sorry to the other child. The other teacher standing next to my teacher turned me around, kicked my bottom and told me to go inside. As I am 35 now I still recall it very well. My American mother, along with a few other parents, moved their kids to a different local elementary school in the next town over. I hope that was the last generation of old teachers in a Catholic school in the country to discipline kids this way. We switched to an Openbare Basisschool and were much better off with the greatest teachers I am still in contact with on Facebook. At home my parents would place us in time outs on the stairs or in a chair in the hallway. One time my sister at age 3 declared that she was naughty and needed to sit in the hallway during dinner. Ok kiddo! She even timed herself and called when she was done. My parents tried to keep a straight face. There were very few times that my father was extremely angry, but one time one of us hurt the other and he hit the table with his hand so hard not wanting to give “Billenkoek” or “Rode Aardbei” (smack bottom).

@jannetteberends8730

4 жыл бұрын

I can’t belief it. Your parents should have sued the school. Teachers are not allowed to hit children. That was already when I was young. (I’m 67). Even parents aren’t allowed to beat their children. Don’t know when this became law, but it’s quit a while now. Good that your parents moved you to a normal school.

@marielvanhees9531

4 жыл бұрын

@@jannetteberends8730 I haven't followed up with my parents on the rest of their steps. But I ended up going to a different elementary school.

Geluk!!! Passed your exams! Goed gedaan!

Rule making and decision making is very subtle. Don't blame it was your decision. Life experiences enables you to stack the deck in your favour. I refuse to write ou words with only an o no matter I see the correction red wriggled line ;)

Exactly! I always used to tell my son ( who is now almost 19) why I want him to do something the way I tell him to. As a very young child he understood things very easily. And also he woukd ‘ correct’ other parents if they did otherwise ( ofcourse not out loud but to me later at home). I never had a problem with him. Only now that he is grown up we sometimes clash because he has different opions on some things. I always was ‘ the strict mother ‘ in school but all his friends wanted to play at our house. Probably because they just knew and it was clear how they should behave.

I never had a list of rules haha but in my experience (friends) most of the rules were to keep peace between the siblings haha

@lindaraterink6451

4 жыл бұрын

There was never a written down list in our house either, there were just certain things (the rules) that were expected of you. Get home when the lights go on in wintertime,for instance. Don't go off the side walk. Stay close to home, so you can hear me when I call you. If you want to go somewhere else, come home first and say where you are going That sort of things. We just knew and we did most of the time :)

@Maevelittooij

4 жыл бұрын

Yes same. They were unwritten rules. Pretty obvious things like. Get home on time, if you are going somewhere else go home and let them know, knocking on your siblings door instead of walking in and lying was a no go in our house.

Communication .is the answer.

In Apeldoorn they are planning to redevelop the market square in front of the town hall. There was a shortlist of 4 designs, and all Apeldoorn residents FROM THE AGE OF SIX were invited to vote for their favourite. (Maybe six year olds should have been able to vote in the Brexit referendum 🤨)

Met het volume tegen kinderen... wat heeft t voor zin voor kleine dingen... je "raised your voice " voor de belangrijkste/gevaarlijkste dingen. Dat weet het kind ook, dus WANNEER je je stemt verheft, weten ze meteen dat het serieus is

OMG I did forgot 2, Children wil become and behave as!!! "so as a parent look in the mirror and ask yourself a few questions" HEALTH tip!!! We experienced that over the years more and more children needed glasses. My wife is active with the children mostly outside at playgrounds, children farms etc. The eyes of children need to focus hundred of thousands of times per day to develop their eyesight and response, that is what happens when they play outside. Children who are pampered whit phones and tablets mis that and their eyes just focus at one distance! That is not what you wont for your kids or?

Working in an daycare i learned the 10 second rule. Me you ask something wait 10 seconds for the answer. Children need time to get it in, think about it and react. If they don 't react, ask again and wait the 10 seconds again. You will see that they will do what you ask.

@arodenburg2393

4 жыл бұрын

I also learned the 'meter' rule. If you talk to a child that is two years old, don't be further away than 2 meters, otherwise he/she will not hear you or react. 3 years ->3 meters etc. Worked for me!

These seem to be what I have seen in my parenting groups in the USA. Not much different, but I have said "because I am the mother and you are the child" when my little one wants to drink beer but he can't! LOL If you had your children in the USA, you might have noticed many of these same techniques in your moms' group. There has been a huge shift in parenting from when we were younger! ;)

@ronaldderooij1774

4 жыл бұрын

My two year old son wanted beer too. I said OK, gave him alcohol free beer. Problem solved. He loved it and kept drinking it until he was 18. As far as I know, he never drank alcohol before 18 (and then had a year of really partying hard every week being very, very drunk!!). He is now 21 and doing fine, drinking very modestly and still often alcohol free beer.

13:03 This makes me wonder if Dutch parents generally think it's OK for their child to ask a person with a disability about their disability. I *am* a person with a disability and I think it's fine for *anyone* to ask me about my disability. Btw, I do hope you left whatever you bumped down at the end in one piece.

I think your last point is the most fundamental difference between Dutch parenting and many other countries. Allow children to make mistakes and learn from them. It will teach them to assess risks and that's a very important thing in life. You talked about Dutch children having lots of freedom. It's not just giving them freedom, it's giving them responsibility. And that's something you build up over time. You don't just give your child the freedom to go to school on their own. They first have a to learn and show that they understand how to behave on the streets, how to find their way. As for the shouting, that doesn't just apply to raising children. Whether you're a parent, a teacher or a manager in a work place, the moment you start to scream and shout you have lost. Also, shouting is not the same as raising your voice... By the way, have you heard of Lenore Skenazy's Free Range Kids? www.bol.com/nl/p/free-range-kids/1001004007635478/

Unfortunately my parents had very little to do with my upbringing as was away at school for 9 months a year from age 7 and holidays were spent at either my Grandmothers' or an aunt and uncles' farm in Cambridgeshire , I was allowed to be fairly feral whilst there, often returning to school with an arm or leg in plaster. Dad was often on a posting somewhere in the world and Mother was seriously ill for almost her whole life.

@ronaldderooij1774

4 жыл бұрын

That sounds like a very bad youth. I hope you processed it.

@tonys1636

4 жыл бұрын

@@ronaldderooij1774 No, I loved it, reentered the state school system at 16 when Father retired, well semi retired as was put on the beach for a couple of years before taking full retirement. Only problem was having to lose the RP accent as did not go down too well with other pupils, thought I was a posh twat. ( edited to correct typo )

:-) Unconditional Love. Because one day they will realize just exactly who / when / where they were shown that .I just have to add my Friend Mary Lou has the longest marriage I am aware of 25 years at least. They give each other freedom and space.

Explaining is important. But I do it one or two times. I don't want endless negotiations. 😉

Hi Jovie, may be you know this already but here is a book which was written by two expat moms living in the Netherlands. It's called "the happiest kids in the world" by Rina Mae Acosta and Michele Hutchison. ISBN-13: 978-1784161545

Hi Jovie, the fact that our parents wanted us to be perfect has nothing to do with the fact that we are girls it has to do with their own Slavic style of upbringing. During communism if your parents were not members of the party you had to be 10x better at school than the other children to have the right to choose specific courses and to have a chance to study at university. Personally I had two more things coming on top I am disabled so my Mom was making the mistake of wanting me perfect and on the other hand blaming all the things I didn’t do her way on my disability. And with things she didn’t consider important when I couldn’t do them her way she didn’t let me find my own. Another thing was living in Italy for a while which meant that I had to say I am from Austria because Italians at that point didn’t know the difference between Slovakia and Slovenia and to Italians all Slovenians were criminals. So in my eyes the fact that our parents didn’t allow us to make mistakes was a bit of a nationality complex.

@JoviesHome

4 жыл бұрын

What a complex life you have lived. I'm sorry you had so much pressure. I hope you are feeling more free and comfortable in your life now. Thank you so much for watching and sharing this, I appreciate you!

@DutchangelDaniela

4 жыл бұрын

Jovie's Home Thank you my dear, I should be able to focus on my own stuff as from the 5th or 6th of July so I will e-mail you then. :-)

My parents would put us in the hallway if we had a fit until we calmed down

@irisachternaam

4 жыл бұрын

Mine too, they basically told me to come back, because they don't want to talk to me when I'm loud and agitated. Looking back, this was great. I wasn't punished for my emotions. I was told to calm down and then come back and finish the conversation. Not when I was upset, of course.

@lordgandalf22

4 жыл бұрын

Indeed same here they where go cool off blow off that steam and then come back and we can talk

I recognize the Serbian approach, moms are like: oh watch out, don't do it! In Serbia many adults end up at their parents home at 30 or older and when they get into mess , granny gramps and parents have to bail them out. I am for the spanking thing if nothing works, and many older generations of Dutch people got whooped at certain age several times. Didn't do them any harm I think, they are fine, I am not saying to beat the children up.

Children are the future..

Jovie, you got it hon... I got 3 minor step children fom the Philippines, 8, 11 and 13 years old.. they just did not understand their freedom I gave them, the lacvk of physical discipline... The call me Daddy, because they all say I did more for them and love them more then their biological father... Nevermind how they think about our school system, hahaha....!

Sorry that im saying this but im from the netherlands and i have at my home nothing to say my dad is mad when i ask him 1 thing or even laugh when im with my sister :/ i think like 10% or more are just acting like they’re happy trust me i know a lot of people here in the netherlands that have depression

I’m not a parent (although my 2 cats can be a real pain in the ass sometimes 🥴), but rewarding kids for good behaviour with material things, doesn’t sound right to me. Won’t they see the good behaviour as a means to an end (i.e. getting stuff), as opposed to doing the right thing because they understand it? Good behaviour shouldn’t feed the expectation that they’re getting something out of it. I may be wrong, but then again, I don’t have kids (that I know of, that is 😜).

@arodenburg2393

4 жыл бұрын

I have kids and I agree! 😊👍

@JoviesHome

4 жыл бұрын

Children are different and what works for one doesn't work for another. Being a parent is definitely hard- even for pets! Thank you for watching and commenting, I appreciate you!

I always gold my kids I don’t mind of You lie , but I don’t want you to be scared! And when you lie you are scared! Scared for judgement, or for mum being upset that you took the cookies while she said no cookies and you took them and you are scared for The consequences! My kids don’t lie since I told this to them!

Bikes is a big thing... Dutch kids can ride their bikes to friens or hobby'. No soccer-mom, is needed.

About expectatations. Maybe i am wrong but this is my impression of american upbringing. And what the big differnece is between the two methodes. With your last comment, you made about your upbringing. And what we get from comments from american people and ofcourse films and series (though those are dramatised) i get the feeling that american children have to meet expectations which are almost astronomical. This is a recipy for failure. Kids can not ever reach those. Also it seems to be that parents have a set of expectations ready when the kid is born, like be a straight a student graduating cum laude and be a succesfull buisnessman/ lawyer/docter etc. etc. The kid cant'even walk yet!!!!! It seems to me that kids arent allowed to be kids. Competition and responsibility for the family honour is deeply set in the american culture. And if the kid doesnt meet the expactations the parent has growing up. It`s the kid's fault for not working hard enough. (Not the fault of the parent who tries to live his or her dream through the child. Where they faild at it the first time when they were younger, because they themselves were living the dream of their parents). Even worse when the dream of the kid isnt the same as the parents. But wants to apease the parent by being a good child. This is a responsebility that shouldnt be put on a child. I think a child can feel it if the parent is disapointed in him or her, even if it's not aware of the expectations the parents has. At the first sign that the kid doesnt meet the first expectations like being the best at math, or reading better then the rest of the students...the parent will be disapointed and probably unconsiously will show it. That's why you cant find beautypageants here like there are in America. Ofcourse children like to dress up. But's the parents who make a competition out of it with large prices. Some use it to make a living (At least thats the impression i have, i hope i am wrong) So the kid in essence is the income of the family. You could almost say it''s child labour. With all the responcebility and pressure that comes with it. This also shouldnt be a child's responsebility but the parents's…. In Amerika everything seems to be a competition. You need to be the best of the best of the best because it brings prestige to the family. The person would be unhappy and depressed as a lawyer in a firm while he would be happy as a mechanic in a garage working with his hands. But that would be frowned upon because of the lack of prestige. So the person will be unhappybecause of family. You could also say, happy parents make happy children. In short, let a kid be a kid. Support it in what it wants to do. Push a little when it's needed to be better at something, but dont overdo it when it's ovious the child cant reach the set goal. Find a different goal that can be reached, and bild on succes. It works better then keep pushing and pushing then the child will be unhappy and wont work as hard, because "it's no use, i am to stupid" This will grow into low selfesteam and viola another overworked, stressed, pill popping depressed adult is born. (And yeah i am exageriting it now ;) Last thing, kids think there is no adult supervision. But most grownups keep an eye out for real trouble when children are playing even when they're not their own kids. And because of that the parents themselves are able to let the children go out by themselves. Knowing when there is realy trouble there will be an adult nearby to help. Otherway around. If a kid does something like vandalism ore something like that, a grownup will step in and likely give a consequens like calling the police or demanding to be brought to the parents so they can be told what the child did. Even if the parents are not present, child knows it needs to behave a certain way. Like me, i live across the street of a small playarea with a slide and a swing. When i am home and i hear yelling i will look and see out of my window to what's going on. I am in my home and the children are unaware of it. But youbetcha, that i will be outside in a sec when help is needed if an accident would have happend. I dont have kids of my own, and most kids i dont even know. It's not my responsebility but i still would go out and help them.

@JoviesHome

4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching and commenting- you have a lot of wisdom in your observations. I appreciate you!

Rustig aan en snel een beetje.....

Spare the rod, spoil the child

@blackvulcan100

4 жыл бұрын

Rubbish !!

I don't know if my sister and I were just really good kids or what but I don't really remember ever being punished. What I do remember is that if we did something wrong they'd explain to us why that was wrong until we got it and apologized where applicable. I think I might have been sent to my room once but honestly I might just have gone on my own I'm not sure. My favorite thing I remember my parents doing as a parenting technique was giving us 'candy bags' during school breaks. At the start of the day we got one of those little printed bags you might get as a gift bag at a birthday party, and we got to choose something like 5-10 sweets to put in it and eat that day. We thought it was really cool and we got a responsibility and a lot of sweets all at once, but in hindsight it was a great way to limit how many sweets we had and stop us from asking for snacks all day long. I sometimes think I should try a variation of this just as a diet technique for myself.