Societally we also tend to heap a lot of judgment onto people who we view as "undeserving" of help. The same way you used to have to prove both your need and your worth to the church when applying for the dole, if someone can't keep their house clean after they get help with it, we instantly judge them as having been "unworthy" of the help in the first place (when often they are the most in need of help), and might even pre-judge them as such when they refuse our offers of help. This implicit judgment is very hard to break down within ourselves, because we often don't realize we've done it, and it's too late to stop it once our family member has felt that shame from us. It must be an extension of the long legacy of mental health stigma. I find even when I try not to judge, my first inclination is to do so, and it's crushing to know I've just taken us a step further away from resolution and better comfort. I do understand it's infinitely harder to do this when the hoarding has impacted us mentally, but empathy is still the way to go. Anything else continues the cycle of shame down the family line, and easing suffering is so worth it for everyone!

And what do we do when we live in the same living space, and we can't leave and have our shared living space improve? What if you're just done LIVING amongst the hoarded stuff that takes up ALL THE SPACE.

Frustrating to see so many professionals not understand “family rejection.” In today’s society, it’s not just about “godliness,” it’s about cohabitation. We often cohabitate due to a high cost of living, and nearly all hoarding resources seem focus on coddling the hoarder over long timeframes, rather than the family being abused by the illness by-proxy. Hoarding so often damages multiple family members’ health and our health needs come dear last when seeking help.

@user-bn2cg8tr6u

2 ай бұрын

I wish I understood why hoarders’ health is so privelaged compared to everyone else in multi-family households. WE feel disrespected when our health/space is encroached on. I think hoarding seems to function like an addiction much of the time.

You have given me some very good advice for helping my long time friend. Thank you

The jingling is affecting my ability to listen properly 😮

I loved Michael on the show!! Great content from him. Thank you!

Well researched and extremely helpful

This content is incredibly useful! Thank you for sharing it online. 🙌✨

Cette conférence m'a bouleversée. Merci Dr Michael Tompkins pour ce partage de connaissances et d'outils.

I am looking for help/support. My mother is a hoarder. This summer, someone burglarized my parents' home and when they left, they set the home on fire. The home was condemned, forcing me, my sister and our spouses to clean out the home. We salvaged what was reasonable to salvage, but we threw a LOT of stuff away. Obviously we would not have done that under normal circumstances, but due to the fire, etc. we were forced to clear out her stuff. Now she is stressed, upset and very angry with us. How do we help to heal her pain and help her to move forward?

@tayfan2

Жыл бұрын

I have to be blunt. Let her be angry. Those thieves did you a favor & probably saved your mother's life. At least now she's not in a fire trap or risk pounds of junk falling on her. I've suffered my spouse's hoarding for decades & I'm through coddling or worrying about his feelings. He stagnates & is friendless in a room full of junk. I'm trying to LIVE and live a full life I will.💪

@ginab6142

Жыл бұрын

@@tayfan2 Well fortunately, my mom was not at a stage 5 hoard, so she was not at risk of having stuff fall on her, etc. Without going into details, my mom has had a difficult life and althought she has always had hoarding tendencies, it was not until she got cancer that things went out of control. So I cannot be grateful in any way about theives who turned her life upside down, and I am still seeking knowledge & information about how to help her deal with the emotions that having her things stolen and having her house set on fire have brought up. Besides the emotions associated with her things, there is the lack of feeling safe/secure in her own home and so many other emotions related to having your personal space and safety invaded. Best wishes to you in your situation.

@tayfan2

Жыл бұрын

@@ginab6142 Well it's a year later. How is your mom's situation? I've learned the difference between sympathy & enabling. People who do not have to live with the hoarder tend to have a more liberal outlook.

@BrandonZickefoose2014

Жыл бұрын

@GinaB6142 I'm so sorry that your mother had gone through so much emotional and mental trauma, and the physical trauma of a burglary and loss of her home. Hoarding is 100% emotional and mental. It comes from mental trauma. She may appear to have a thick skin and be "fine" on the surface, but EVERYONE, and I do literally mean every being on this planet, needs to have someone to turn to to feel safe, loved, and taken care of. These are vital universal laws of the nature of our very existence. When there is no one to fulfill these roles, and when the tolls of life, of having children to take care of (from youth onward), of having cancer to deal with, of having to have a strong mindset and face challenge after challenge alone and silently feel that no one really has your back the way that you do... the mind begins to wane. And when outside stress to SHAPE UP and GET IT TOGETHER come into play and you're seen as incapable or unable to take care of yourself, your esteem, appearance, and general wherewithal and care about your self image and home begin to plunder. Sooner or later you find yourself unable to truly care fully that a light stack of clothing, food, and paperwork have started to pile in areas that you made little mental notes for, telling yourself that "you'll be back later to collect it and out it in its rightful home when you feel better". But you never really feel better. And no one comes to check on you. And no other person seems to truly care for you in the way that a divine soul mate or lover cares for someone. And you just feel like nobody cares about you. Nobody hears you. Nobody is listening. Hoarders are often forgotten. They're often seen as capable and when little things begin to show their either covered up by the hoarder or no one says anything. Add into that the complicated relationships from Baby Boomers down to Gen Alpha and there's a lot of emotions in there to sort out. The biggest of which is shame. Hoarders feel shame, big time. They're embarrassed of how their home looks, but they just feel so empty that it doesn't matter. And what's worse is that nobody seems to care about THEM. They care about the HOME, but don't want to do the emotional leg work to figure out the PERSON. This is why hoarders become sad and lonely and don't care to pick up after themselves anymore. Because while they don't want to take their lives physically, emotionally it feels like there isn't any life to live anymore. But self-deletion isn't the answer, so they just live out their days in misery, and and alone. Even in a house full of others they can be alone mentally. And its mainly because they aren't getting the emotional and mental fulfillment that they need. Doctors need to begin emotional research to understand hoarders. Its 100% emotional and psychological. To answer your question: You may not be able to give your mother what she needs. Many families aren't willing to build the emotional bonds that are needed in order to fulfill a person, and also the personality types may he too different. Is your mom single or divorced? I know you wrote "parent's home". Is her partner giving her the validation that she needs and tending to her emotional needs? Does he/she/they know where to begin to fulfill her emotional needs? They may not. She may be feeling down about your life or about dreams that have never been achieved. Asked her about it. She will need to find her soul tribe and someone to talk to. Only after she feels calm and heard will she begin to feel safe again. And after that, she will begin to declutter because she will be feeling better spiritually, mentally and emotionally. And she will be ready for the next chapter and the next phase, which is to continue on dreaming and to live her life to it's most fullest extent. Love and light to your mother! ❤

@1marcelfilms

11 ай бұрын

Thats one way to get rid of the junk

My husband hoarding is ruining our marriage 😭

@willyscj22

Жыл бұрын

I feel your pain:/ he won’t admit it. tons of excuses. If all else fails he rages. He will not seek help. I have tried and offered to go together. He sees no issue and it’s my problem. I’ve used many of the approaches the psychologists use on the hoarding shows. It has helped somewhat. He hoards stuff and food. I have had to do it all solo, adult kids won’t help, but I finally have our deep freezer back. Living room, family room, two bedrooms back. That’s taken me 5 years.. The pantry, basement and garage are next. If I can keep him contained to half the basement and garage then it won’t affect me as bad as it has. That may be the best it will get. The marriage will never be the same tho. Had I known this would be I’d have divorced while I still could. Kids hope I live longest as I have a plan to get rid of it all. Kids fear me passing first as they know it will get worse and they’ll have to deal with it by themselves.. his problems have ruined many many years of older age. I can’t even have grandkids visit for long and can’t spend the night here.. I won’t have people over either. We have a pool. I do the landscape and it’s nice except for all his crap all over back there too.. we used to have BBQ’s and friends over. Can’t now.. it’s just isolated me more and more as the years have ticked by.. he will retire soon and I dread it.. I fear with him being home it’ll just get worse. I work and purge while he is gone.. every day, for years, has been stuffing his crap into basement, pitching useless stuff with him not knowing.. packing up the stuff he will notice.. I resort to hiding throw aways and waiting for trash pickup day. running it out after he leaves.. I resent the years he has taken away from me because his trash is more important than our home and our marriage.. at one point I told him I couldn’t live like this anymore. Split and chalk it up to 2 good people that just can’t make it work.. he got mad and for the first time admitted he has a lot S@*t but he has a lot of S@*t to leave people when he dies!! I said do you even hear yourself?? It’s S@*t ! No one wants your S@*t! And when you die all you’ve done is left a ton of work for people and it’ll end up in a dumpster! Good luck to you! But if he won’t admit it and agree to help, counseling, it’s a downhill battle. Don’t live my life. The spouse of a hoarder is a horrible way to live.. 😔

@tayfan2

Жыл бұрын

Same here. I did not recognize it in my spouse until it was too late. Throw away what you can. As he get older he won't notice. I'm thinking of boxing things up neatly. Dumping the contents when I get a chance & filling the boxes with newspapers.

@sshadyh

10 ай бұрын

leave him, hoarders are hopeless

@bernadettebam6518

4 ай бұрын

​@@willyscj22 😢

@helenhollis3984

16 күн бұрын

The reality is his family knows and does not care and will not help you

I waited until 14:35 for him to finally say that people with hoarding disorder do not (necessarily) have schizophrenia. They do if diagnosed by a qualified professional - a licensed therapist, social worker, psychiatrist or nurse practitioner.

Is it possible to help a family member without them agreeing to be involved in these strategies?

@ireneb3433

4 ай бұрын

'Possible' > yes, definitely; 'helpful' long-term > from my extensive reading and interaction with hoarders, I highly doubt it.

Hoarding Disorder is a mental illness and the doctors will admit that they are still working on solutions to help as the treatment does not have a high success rate. So... we need to do more work. More studies. More research.

I placed a comment of appreciation here only a day or 2 ago. Has it been received? Julia

What is the odd coin rumbling sounds? Very distracting.

Here's some information for your studies. Watch the video called DIAGNOSING AND TREATING VITAMIN B-12 DEFICIENCY. It can cause huge problems in the brain. And cyanocobalamin often makes things WORSE. Most doctors aren't trained in how to correctly diagnose or treat it at all. It can result in FULL BLOWN PSYCHOSIS, and is often reversible if you do it correctly, as HEMATOLOGIST from Yale and doctors in the video explain. Feeling empathy for things, and cringe at the thought of them being put in the dump. Almost like they're alive and have feelings. ✅🎯 Also Feeling like it's a huge waste of money, to just throw everything away. I've had LOTS of trauma/ PTSD. I can tell you some things that affected me. The first one sounds dumb. As a child, being in the GIRL-SCOUTS, We REPEATEDLY TOOK A LITERAL PLEDGE / OATH, STANDING AND SALUTING A HAND SIGNAL, WHILE PROMISING " I WILL ALWAYS BE PREPARED." OKAY SERIOUSLY. ALWAYS PREPARED FOR ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING THAT MIGHT HAPPEN. Please ADD THIS TO YOUR STUDIES AND LECTURES. Then we watch disaster after disaster on the news, and what you should have on hand in case you can't get to the store etc. Then I moved to California and was experiencing literal EARTHQUAKES, repeatedly, and saw PSA ANNOUNCEMENTS ON TV, TELLING EVERYTHING WE SHOULD HAVE ON HAND IN CASE WE CAN'T GET TO THE STORE, AND IN CASE YOU NEED HELP BUT NOBODY CAN GET TO YOU. ALSO NEW AGE PEOPLE AND BACK - WOODS RED NECK SURVIVAL PEOPLE , AND CONSPIRACY THEORY PEOPLE, AND SUPER FANATIC RELIGIOUS PEOPLE, ALL TELL YOU OVER AND OVER WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, AND HOW YOU NEED TO HAVE EVERYTHING THAT ANYONE MIGHT NEED BECAUSE SOCIETY IS GOING TO COLLAPSE AND MONEY IS GOING TO BE WORTHLESS AND HUGE DISASTERS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN AND YOU BETTER OWN EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO SURVIVE AND ENOUGH TO LAST FOR WEEKS AND ENOUGH TO HELP YOUR NEIGHBORS WHO AREN'T PREPARED ETC . QUANTUM PHYSICS SAYS THERE IS A LIFE FORCE IN ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. MAYBE SOME PEOPLE ARE SUPER SENSITIVE TO ENERGY, AND THAT'S WHY WE FEEL EMPATHY FOR "NON-LIVING" THINGS ?? SOME PEOPLE WHO HAD PAST LIFE REGRESSION HYPNOSIS SAID THAT THEY REMEMBER BEING A ROCK. WHEN ASKED WHAT WAS THAT LIKE ? THEY SAID " VERY S-L-O-W........ Where can anyone get effective help, some of it is ADHD / Executive function problems, Trouble making decisions, etc. .Time management, Focus and staying on task, there's only two times in an ADHD brain : 1) NOW. and 2) NOT NOW. ADHD undiagnosed and untreated can be a huge part of this. Hormone imbalance, and depression. Low motivation == low DOPAMINE. Trouble making decisions, ( METHYLCOBALAMINE DEFICIENCY SPECIFICALLY ) and ADHD. A Huge amount of adult females have UNDIAGNOSED AND UNTREATED VITAMIN B-12 and D DEFICIENCY, which causes trouble thinking, low motivation, debilitating CHRONIC FATIGUE, trouble making decisions and feeling completely OVERWHELMED. .PTSD ALSO has a huge impact on undiagnosed and untreated population. Hormones and vitamins MUST BE REPAIRED. It's SOOO IMPORTANT. ❤️❤️❤️🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️✅✅✅✅✅✅ . .