Love is less about romance than deciding that a certain person is worth the price and pain that the intrusion/interaction will bring. 🤯

@CRFSUIGENERIS

2 жыл бұрын

I agree! I weirdly do an unconscious cost benefit analysis of the inexplicable unique joy from the special person vs. the intrusion and messiness of human. Lol 😂

@erike360

2 жыл бұрын

Jup, guilty 😅

@jacobmiller8322

2 жыл бұрын

Truth. Five here and can confirm, though I didn’t realize it until I heard him say it.

@yeni1600

2 жыл бұрын

@@jacobmiller8322 same here.

@LoniLoni11

2 жыл бұрын

Yup . I’m a 5 w 8

I honestly never understood, as a man, the trope of men not wanting to be with independent women. I’m a 5w4 and I have never been interested in a woman who needs me. I’ve been married to a smart, independent woman for 21 years, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She does her thing, lets me do mine, and we have things that we do exclusively together. I’m fiercly loyal to her and celebrate her accomplishments as we celebrate mine.

@tequilamockingbird4989

2 жыл бұрын

Is not that how everyone should be lol? I hate needy partners too. I can def see your point also a 5.

@RM-ti8nf

2 жыл бұрын

Same, I'm a woman.

@speedy_comet

Жыл бұрын

I'm an INTJ 1w9 & sexual subtype 5w4s are my desired partners because they have the perfect balance.

I'm a sexual five, it's hard. I like isolation, but sometimes intense one-on-one relationships. I need someone I can trust completely, transparent, not overly emotional but present 100%.

@loganmyers3491

3 жыл бұрын

Me too, all of that! I look thru some comments on KZread vids I enjoy and I wonder why do people who relate to comments not like actually become friends?

@intj5w4rloei87

3 жыл бұрын

what does the sex variant imply ?

@yurizafurizaki5574

2 жыл бұрын

@@intj5w4rloei87 one on one relationship. I'm a sp/sx, so i am a little bit needy with my significant other too. But just a little bit because the dominant is sp (self preservation), so i enjoy my time alone more. 你明白吗？

@DanielSansom-cz5yx

2 жыл бұрын

I have found type 8s to be the best for this. Then again I'm 58x tritype maybe for 59x and 51x it would be different

@LoniLoni11

2 жыл бұрын

@@DanielSansom-cz5yx I agree with this . I’m 5 wing 8. And my husband is 8 wing 5. I’ve never been so sexually comfortable with anyone else. He gives me the intensity I need

“A non-intrusive, self-sufficient companion” …so in other words, “a cat”

Detaching from feelings is such a difficult thing to explain that most people don’t understand. I don’t just REACT to my feelings in real time. I detach from them and then DECIDE to deal with them on my own terms. Pain is necessary sometimes to heal and move on. I can accept that. Pain is the risk of having meaningful relationships, which I do occasionally enjoy. But it is easier to handle pain when I am prepared, so I detach and deal with my feelings afterwards and on my own terms. It isn’t that I don’t care. It’s that I care a LOT and can’t handle it all at once with no mental preparation.

@yurizafurizaki5574

2 жыл бұрын

Fi tertiary? IxTJ?

@lilkklil21

2 жыл бұрын

Omg so perfectly beautifully said. Couldn't have said it any better myself

@normalhumanbeing6066

Жыл бұрын

FiSe + 5

@kellikakes81

Жыл бұрын

​@@yurizafurizaki5574 sounds like tertiary Fi to me too

@Philip550c

Жыл бұрын

I feel this way as well. I'm type 5, INFJ

16:48 I think Nihilism was on the tip of your tongue. It shares some concepts with Existentialism. I think all Existentialists have a bit of a Nihilist inside of them, but Existentialists have decided that--despite the world having no innate purpose or meaning--they can develop their own individual purpose. It's an empowering thought for someone who feels the world around them lacks meaning. I think an Unhealthy 5 is an empty Nihilist, and a Healthy 5 becomes a purpose-driven Existentialist.

@RandolphTheWhite1

3 жыл бұрын

That was a really good point. My mind might be kind of blown right now

@vunguyentr5561

3 жыл бұрын

really in-depth words, I've been in existential depression for 1 year, I knew what it's like to be an unhealthy, empty Nihilist, really scary, destructive,

@GGGG_3333

4 ай бұрын

Bro, you have literally described my journey for the last 5 years 😅

I'm a Castle 5 and this was all pretty dead-on for what I look for in a relationship. I've always needed my space. It wasn't until I was over 30 that I even considered living with a romantic partner, and that was a rough transition. I need my alone recharge time. What I think a lot of my partners didn't realize was that just because I needed space away from them, didn't mean I was less fond of them. In fact, I often found my desire GROWING once I was away from them. Once alone, I have my own headspace to think about them, appreciate them, and want them physically. That might seem contradictory, but because my most safe space is alone in my own head, it makes sense that it's easiest for me to explore those thoughts and feelings when I'm alone. When I'm with the person physically, I'm in a different social headspace. I can be engaging, but when interacting my energy is being sucked out into the world like opening a door into the vacuum of space. I'm trying to hold myself from getting sucked out into the void. It's not a good time to think about all the reasons I love you if I don't already have them thought about in advance. As a result, I'm able to articulate my romantic feelings best in the written form. And those are my most pure and honest thoughts, because they were written from a place of safety, security, and mental clarity.

@Ruunmaker

3 жыл бұрын

100% resonates

@Highwind79

3 жыл бұрын

@@lazyjane1223 Not likely. That's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer from it. While I don't know the circumstances leading to it, the short moment of void left by you ( if there ever was) would be fill up with other interest that had replaced you or what they were interested in before you came into the picture.

@lazyjane1223

3 жыл бұрын

@@Highwind79 Thanks. are you a 5?

@Highwind79

3 жыл бұрын

Yes. I am

@CyberPunkBadGuy

3 жыл бұрын

@@lazyjane1223 if you are no longer together why do you so desire for him to miss you? is this to feed your own ego?

Never felt so validated and understood before I wish people knew this

@jeremyncrm2012

2 жыл бұрын

Same

@lorigonzalez4518

2 жыл бұрын

This guy is really spot on

@ogeo.8966

Жыл бұрын

​@@lorigonzalez4518I'm guessing it comes from experience talking to a lot of people and personal study. Not just talking based on all the surface level things online.

Mental connection is a prerequisite to emotional connection. Very true for me

My Type 5 partner gets called "Switzerland" in our circle because he's so neutral, does never take sides when he's not directly involved, avoids HR-management and it's super wholesome to see him just "be default Himself"

I'm a sx 5w4 and I struggle with social niceties. Being "nice" just feels fake to me! I don't really like it when people are too nice to me either. It makes me just wonder "what do they want from me?" And it makes me very uncomfortable.

@Dixieland-kj4yu

3 жыл бұрын

I was just saying the same thing yesterday!

@RM-ti8nf

2 жыл бұрын

I don't mind it so long as it's brief!

My husband and I are both 5s and we happily fantasize about two things: 1) Living in two separate houses while talking, joking a lot, laughing everyday on the phone and spending every weekend together. 2) Building a house with a few common rooms and several (many) private rooms for each other. For the time being we have to work with two separate bathrooms and two separate offices. Well, it's a beginning :-D

@taegibears6056

2 жыл бұрын

Two separate houses 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 never heard of a couple this easy going. It's must be great to find someone like-minded 😆

@suburbohemian

2 жыл бұрын

a 2 tiny home plot of land lol

@RM-ti8nf

2 жыл бұрын

My dream too!

@colesisler582

Жыл бұрын

See, I’m a 5 too and want a partner who can reason with my tendencies but even I am not sure I’d go quite this far. My ideal situation would allow us a big house with 2 separate master bedrooms. That way we can both have our own very comfortable space but have the option of being physically available for one another.

@thissunchild

Жыл бұрын

I like it🤔

Types like 3's, 8's, and 1's tend to see other people as resources, as means to achieving their long-term goals. Fives tend to see other people as obstacles and diversions from their goals. I'm a 5w4 with a lot of artistic interests - composing music, painting, photography, etc,,, that I actually do want to do more with, and all my life it's seemed that I make more progress without people than with them. Other people tend to demand help and support (that is often not reciprocal) and presume that you should be equally invested in their goals, which are often actually never stated outright, just demanded at the time. People get in the way. When with others, my own goals tend to get put off or sidetracked (often for years), while I end up helping the other person, or everybody just gets caught up in average daily routines that I really don't think anybody is really all that passionate about anyway. A lot of life in intentionless inertia. I'd be happy getting help from others, but most of the time, the things I work on are things they CAN'T help me with, so it's never an even trade. In close relationships, I tend to be the one helping more often than I ask for help, which I don't mind doing personally. But over the years I've come to see that the one DOING the favors is the one more likely to feel invested in the relationship. To let the other person feel as important as they actually are to us, sometimes we need to just let them take care of us and feel needed, even when we'd rather just handle it ourselves.

@khadijatasnim2187

Жыл бұрын

I agree with all of things you said as a sx 5 "The one invest more are tend to value more the relationship"-100% true That's why now i prefer the person who invest in me as much as i invest to them

@Slaveternal

5 ай бұрын

Yeah I often think “this person can’t offer me the caliber of help I can offer them or others.”

@GGGG_3333

4 ай бұрын

Wow, you just described me perfectly 😅

"They get a piece of me, they get a piece of me, but nobody gets ALL." Bruh why is this is so scarily accurate, feeling attacked right now (not rly since i came for it, but i need to make this joke)

@say_pal

11 ай бұрын

Was looking through the comments to see if anyone else mentioned this but LITERALLY HAD ME SHOOK

I’m a 2w1 married to a 5w6 for 14 years and I wish I would have known all this at the beginning of my marriage 🤣 my husband is the best and most loyal man but I can be too extra sometimes and he’s like SPACE! It used to hurt my feelings but now I get it.

@GGGG_3333

4 ай бұрын

He is extremely lucky to have someone as understanding as you. May you always live and share a happy life ❤.

I am a 5 and I approve of this message! This is HILARIOUSLY accurate! Please leave me alone, you are likely to bore me, need something from me and drain me. I won't need to forge a relationship with you either because I won't need you - I will ensure I won't need anyone. You are so on point, Tom. As a self-preservation 5, I think you did a great job here.

@LoniLoni11

2 жыл бұрын

As a 5 like this I’ve realized over the past 4 years that this really does have people thinking that we are selfish and none caring. I didn’t want that thus some self transformation occurring

I am a 5 and I struggle with relating to 2s because they try to help me when I didn't ask, bombard me with personal questions, and make me feel exposed and on display when they give me too much attention. They tend to make me so uncomfortable and so I withdraw, but this usually makes them try harder to win me over. They could win me over by leaving me alone.

@justinecurtis1753

3 жыл бұрын

Omg I’m a two married to a 5 and this is so accurate!!!!

@JH-yj7kk

3 жыл бұрын

@@justinecurtis1753 I feel for you haha! I feel guilty because at times I know I have really hurt 2s feelings. Sometimes when they try too hard to be friendly, complimentary, affectionate or helpful, I react negatively and can be cold or curt with them. I don't want to be mean, but I am afraid that accepting this attention will encourage more in the future. I imagine this can feel very cruel to 2s when their kindness is met with ambivalence and apathy, or even straight rudeness. Sometimes I can tell that they are thinking "Why don't they like me? What do I have to do?". But I usually do like them, I just don't need much from them, and I want them to respect my boundaries. I also don't want them to feel that they need to work for my approval by flattering me and doing me favours. I don't need any of that. Just be you. 5s don't want to need anything from anyone ever, and 2s love to be needed, so I think there is a natural tension and potential for conflict there.

@JH-yj7kk

3 жыл бұрын

@@justinecurtis1753 I should mention that my lifelong best friend is a 2 so it's not an impossible combination! Although we don't always understand each other intuitively and can annoy each other sometimes we both really value our friendship and the opposite perspectives we can bring to each other. I am often inspired by her giving nature and I can help her analyze problems logically and affirm for her that it's ok for her to say no to people and put herself first sometimes.

@justinecurtis1753

3 жыл бұрын

Yeah I think 2 and a 5 relationship is definite one of the hardest to navigate for all those reasons you said! Both people need to be in their healthy form of enneagram for it to be good, and when one becomes unhealthy problems come up almost immediately. We’ve been together for 8 years and have found a happy medium and I had to stop comparing my relationship to others because a relationship with a 5 is just different because of that 2 islands idea he was talking about! The thing I admire about 5s though it that their last resort is breaking up and they will try anything before giving up on a relationship! Probably because they don’t want to spend their energy starting over like he said, but it makes me feel special bc they don’t let people in easily 🙌🏻🤗so I must be needed in some way 😁

@justinecurtis1753

3 жыл бұрын

@@JH-yj7kk perfectly said! Definitely can be difficult but definitely possible 🤗 both people just need to be super self aware 😅

I love that you recognize Fives as fountains of knowledge on countless topics. There are other KZread teachers out there who claim the exact opposite - that we all limit ourselves to extremely narrow areas of interest. No way. Put me on Jeopardy, man. You don't have to give me any heads up on the categories. I get that you're conscious of generalizing, but when you say Fives don't like to be the center of attention, I recall how my 2w3 older brother destroyed my guitar when I was five because he hated me standing tall atop the fireplace hearth and belting out songs, claiming everyone's attention and adulation years before I grew out of my "shell". Such is life with a sx/so stack. It was no accident that Lennon wound up on Ed Sullivan's stage belting out Twist and Shout for hordes of screaming girls. He didn't allow it, he demanded it. This is why I crack up at Naranjo's claim that all subtypes of Five look pretty much the same. (We can also want more time, attention, touch, and connection with a partner than they are willing to give, as well as more nights on the town than they desire.) It's true that occasional solitude can be delightful, though. What I don't want is for anybody to feign interest in anything I have to say. I appreciate a partner who's honest with me and who conveys her interests (and lack of interests) authentically. Dumptrucking is not an inherent need for a Five, just an immature pattern that can be outgrown with supportive communication.

The compartmentalizing is very true, I have like five different Instagram accounts, one for each section of my life

@SimplyDrK33

3 жыл бұрын

Me too!!! Lol

@thebeautyschoolmentor

3 жыл бұрын

Me 3! 🤣

@chantheman_987

3 жыл бұрын

Oh gosh me 4 hahaha

@paolae.9414

3 жыл бұрын

That sounds like a lot of work 😅

@Destractoid

3 жыл бұрын

I went the completely opposite route and just don't have social media XD

I was already making faces at the “should” when you said that it would be problematic for the fives 💀

As a 5w4, I will say this: I have seen the dark side of what humans can do, and the people who were supposed to love me instead turned out to destroy my youth. My mom sold me as a sex slave and my father exchanged me for a "better" son when he found out I was sold, all by the time I was 15. This is in no way to garner sympathy. It is instead to point out that even though I might be in a "shadowland," I am okay with being there and my life is okay. I don't need to try to change it because, as a very 5 quote says, "People think of themselves and their own situation 99% of the time." I am okay with being alone. The issue is why does it bother everyone else? Why do people insist that I have to change to make them happy? Why do they have to see me in a relationship or even attached to someone in order to make them feel fine? That isn't my request, that isn't my issue. It is on the observer and their own feelings to accept that some people are just not wired that way. I told a former friend once, "I already have too many stones to carry. I am going to let you keep that one since it isn't mine. You have to carry your own sins."

@CyberPunkBadGuy

3 жыл бұрын

carry on as you are they cannot relate or understand , they are outsiders that are fueled by the desire of what they want for themselves.

@chickensoup2458

2 жыл бұрын

You are not meant to exhaust/hurt yourself by carrying the stone neither you are compelled to carry others' sins. It's just that when you have seen tbe datk side, make it your strength and be courageous to face the brighter one too. You deserve it. Do it for yourself whenever you feel you're ready for it.

I am so glad my husband didn't have access to this video 20 years ago--he never would have married me if he had known all this 😅

Exactly, I get so burned out on needless interactions. Why do I have to acknowledge or speak to someone because I pass them in the hall or we’re standing in the elevator together? Why do I have to ask how someone’s day is, I seriously couldn’t care less. I don’t want people to ask about my day either. If I’m sharing a space with someone, I’m trying to be invisible. My dream super power is invisibility. The couple of friends I do have asked me about dating. I said, I don’t bother. Two of my friends finally asked me, “Don’t you have… you know, needs?” I said, Hell yes I have needs, chief among them is the need to be left alone.

I feel like you are totally wrong about why 5s withhold data. As a five one can observe that most people don't real care nor can understand what I have information on. If a five feels like the other person is interested they do a info dump. (which almost never goes well) why the info dump happens is to present needed information to understand the most basic information on the subject. Most people just want to parrot back one commonly repeated (often wrong data on the subject) and call it a day

So accurate! I've been married to an sp 5 for decades. I'm really struggling with finally knowing I will never have the marriage I dreamed of and thought I would. I truly believed when we married we could develop an emotional connection since we had a great intellectual connection. I have felt alone and lonely and responsible for everything that needs to be done without any emotional support. I am very low maintenance, but when I do have a need, he gets angry and withdraws from me. I am a loyal, committed person, but I'm starving for emotional connection and love. I am self-sacrificing and caring but now wondering if I can survive in this relationship. He wants me there, just without any needs and in the other room. He doesn't consider my needs at all. Everything is about him. I don't want to hurt him bc I do believe he loves me and wants to stay married. I don't know what to do...

@mlegnar

3 жыл бұрын

You should really see a couples counselor. 5s have emotions, it just takes the right atmosphere and safety for them to share them. Many of my friends ask for my emotions and say I don't give them anything to connect with. They say it with an emotional undertone that makes a 5 feel even more unsafe to share. For me, I opened up more when doing mindfulness practice.

@notsoon6721

3 жыл бұрын

He is a dismissive avoidant, not a 5. Learn about attachment theory. It can help

@CyberPunkBadGuy

3 жыл бұрын

@@notsoon6721 lol cant he be both

@HeyItsQuayshawn

3 жыл бұрын

Im a 5. Maybe if you schedule ways to meet your emotional needs ahead of time he might be more open. We don't like being put on the spot or anything spontaneous. But if we can negotiate and agree to a weekly date, we can prepare ourselves.

@jazon85k

3 жыл бұрын

You have to communicate your needs. It is not selfish to have needs, otherwise it is a onesided relationship, and it is your responsibility to be a martyr or not. You have to share your feelings and needs in a clear, but non-pushy ways. Now you can see his perspective, you have to show to him your perspective. Not demanding things (give space), only showing the way to love you better. If he really loves you he will try it. ...it is my silly advice only. Wish you well! :)

Hello I’m a sx 5w4 female and am very affectionate/physical with my significant other. However, I find with my friends and family many times I do want to give a hug or contact but I feel awkward reaching out since I’m always considering their boundaries in my head.

@rimoumamari7346

3 жыл бұрын

Please do so ... we might be hurt to be the only ones reaching out

@xVintageVoguex

3 жыл бұрын

I’m also a sexual 5w4 female. I love physical and emotional intimacy with my partner. I definitely need space from needier types, though

@gracetrainor4712

2 жыл бұрын

Man, why is this so spot on. I sometimes crave the physical touch or affection, but I feel so awkward initiating it. I am trying to get better at it though.

I'm a 5w4! Holy Cow this is so me. I need and protect my inner world of investigating & learning. I love people in doses or if I am actively supporting them in coaching them & I like helping fostering resilience & independence. I deeply feeling & few people can understand & handle or be emotionally present for me. So I am selective of what & with whom I share.

As a five, our heads lead to our hearts. We must understand that we can and SHOULD go forth and use that knowledge to make a positive change in the world. The eyes of knowledge we build in greed are meaningless next to the all-knowing nature of God. Being more like God is more than just the eye of knowledge, but the hand of intention that shapes the world around us. This makes us more like an Eight. Sometimes us fives need help being encouraged to play. If you have a five in your life, be patient with us and allow us to step out and help us feel validated and valued for our knowledge. Thank you for your video! Great stuff 🙏🏼🙌🏼

I'm a 5w4 female, and for what you said I'm a sexual type 5. My wing 4 is strong, and the fact that I'm a woman and an INFJ, i think that I am not exactly like this typical type all the time. I strongly need to recharge alone and I don't really follow social norms, but I value intimacy and connection more than anything. I end up being myself with no filters with my partner but not with my friends. It's true we have different groups of friends for different sides of ourselves. Sometimes I withdraw from the world to be just with my partner for a long time. I like that my partner has their hobbies and I have mine, and then we have quality time together. I like physical touch but not too much, I don't like a partner that has no boundaries and is too clingy. I'm more comfortable being the needy person in the relationship than the other person being that

I'm married to a 5 and had a chuckle at a lot of your points as they made me think about some of our interactions and fights in our 2 years of marriage. Most of them have been about the fact that he spends 80% of his day either gaming or working which has been a hard thing to not take personally. (My love language is time, and I am a 9w1) He also struggles with Chronic Fatigue so his limit in terms of social interactions is quite low. What was a game changer for us was for me to clearly define my expectations and plans. When he for ex. knows how much time a particular date night will take and what I expect from him in terms of interactions (ex. we will eat dinner then cuddle while watching a movie) he is much more willing and excited to participate!

@jenniferedmonds7069

2 жыл бұрын

Hello, My son is a five and married to a five. They both work a lot but describe their "date nights" as very special. I thought this was a little odd but it now makes sense.

@kellikakes81

Жыл бұрын

I am 9w1 with a 5 and this is helping me, but I also hate having to tell him what I want...or anyone lol. So I will have to work on that. Either I say what I want too casually that he doesn't think I'm serious or I say it in a frustrated angry way when we are arguing.

@ogeo.8966

Жыл бұрын

​@@kellikakes81from your comment and the original, it seems 9w1s and 5s can end up together. But that's just two examples. Not enough to say there's a correlation. I think I'm a five and I understand how you may have difficulty communicating what you want directly. I rarely do

Sx5 here. I am always wanting to be touching my spouse. Even if it’s just my foot on them while I fall asleep. It’s critical.

While 5s can come across as reserved and maybe a bit odd....they tend to be really good people. The ones I know anyway. They think through things and don't let their emptions rule them. They don't judge people (unless that person is a jerk right away) as they observe them first before judging, which can lead a person to be being thoughtful and fair. They don't befriend/love people for selfish reasons as they are perfectly fine alone.

Wow!!! Thank you so much for the work you've put into this video. I have a young adult son who was diagnosed with 'text book' aspergers 11yrs ago. He is also an Enneagram 5. Even though the focus was on romantic relationships, this video has been enormously helpful for me.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so called out

I am a 5w4 and am loving how you described me as “detached”, it is interesting. I really enjoy this information! It all helps me to be my better self 😊 Have a great day !

“That word should is gonna be problematic for 5’s.” 100% problematic for me.

This really helped me to understand my 19 yo daughter more. Thank you.

This was so helpful. I’ve watched so many videos on partnerships with fives and this has been the most clear and valuable so far. Thank you 🌍

The way this video explained my personality so precisely is eerie. At least I now have a video for people that ask me why I sometimes seem detached.

ok this is the most accurate description i've encountered so far

5w6 Spot on about the islands. Like islands that want a sturdy bridge that can connect to you island.

As a 5 I know random facts and info. My boyfriend once asked me “how do you know so much about cars” I could talk about history, anatomy…etc I like know vast info. I loved history class in school and just knowing and I like going to museums and just learning info. My mind feels like it runs 100 mph and I’m constantly looking for something to do. I like doing things more efficiently and simple at the same time.

Thanks, Tom! One of your 5w4 fans!

Just finished listening to "In Relationships With Type 5." Our 22 year old son (single, just graduated college, working, and living at home) is a type 5. So, I can relate to some of the things that you were saying as you were describing them. For example, the "argumentative debater" describes him, not so much now, but in his younger years. In fact, his dad and I used to tell him that he would make a really good lawyer some day!! Lol (This was before we had ever heard of the enneagram.) In addition, you're spot on when you say they're like a "Google Search Engine." He researches everything, gains knowledge about various topics, then shares it with us. The one thing that I'm a bit perplexed about though, is when you said that the type 5 may have a difficult time showing "physical affection." Up until just recently, that seems to have been the case with our son, but to my surprise, one day out of the blue, he said, "Mom, can we start giving each other daily hugs, just to make our day go a little better?!" (I was a bit taken aback.) I answered, "Sure! I'd love to." So, we've been hugging regularly ever since!!

@mhspalding1

Жыл бұрын

I think it was an inaccurate generalization to say fives don’t like physical affection. They may not like “bad surprises” (unexpected physical touch that is unpleasant or reeks of expectation) and they may not be spontaneous enough to initiate often, but like most people 5s benefit from and appreciate affection AND positive body language. Anyway.. It’s great that he asked! That is a big deal.

@liabw05

Жыл бұрын

Awe 🥰

I think I am a sexual 5, when you are talking about 5's in the concept of physical touch I am very physically intimate, hand holding, hugs all of that, with those I am connected with, but with lesser relationships, or acquaintances I would rather you don't

I'd never expect anyone to listen to me rambling about stuff that doesn't interest them & just endure it for my sake that sounds awful mainly because it would be asking a big imposition. Rather I'd try to look for a partner who is interested in that stuff *to begin with*. & if that's just a limited amount of people then thats just how it is

I feel seen. HOW DARE YOU?

"The word 'should' is a problem for fives."

My husband's a 5, and indeed on the Autism spectrum.😊 I'm a 9, and I also love the space. But more than anything, I love the fact that he never, ever lies. I didn't even know how much i craved that before. I'm a reader, i love to be able to read for 3 days straight without getting interrupted. I love that he doesn't get demanding and controlling. I respect and admire his clarity, his boundaries, his loyalty, his intelligence. Every 3 months, we take lsd and have the most beautiful, connected weekend😂🎉

@GGGG_3333

4 ай бұрын

Every 5 dream relationship ❤.

I can relate so much to this sense of independence. One of my life goals is to live and die without any external interference, I don't care about politics, relationships, economic systems, etc. I just want to focus on my personal development, life goals, and nothing else. Is just me against the world, this is are how I feel.

5w4 in a relationship with a female 8 (who spends most of her time in 5 stress lol). This has been the most difficult experience I've ever had trying to bond with someone. But those very few, very short-lived moments of vulnerability make it the most beautiful...we're engaged.

Oh this helps me love my five even more! (I'm an 8 and I admire his stoicism). THANK YOU!

Thank you so much! I feel like somebody finally understands me! Although, your video gave me a wake up call🙌🏼🙌🏼

17:00 - the philosophical system you were thinking of was nihilism. I was yelling it at my screen but you clearly didn't hear me.

@twlahue

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks... :-)

@RandolphTheWhite1

3 жыл бұрын

@@twlahue I'm starting to think you did that on purpose to start conversations in the comment section.

One of the biggest insights I ever heard (from a psychologist now passed on) is as follows. I hope it resonates with some of you 5w4's: "5w4's are not withdrawn because they are against socializing or contributing. 5's are withdrawn trying to perfect HOW they socialize and contribute, because they hold the quality of their contribution in life to an unusually high standard. A 5w4 would rather die having been known for nothing, than known for mediocrity. Therefore, 5w4's tend to be extraordinary artistic minds because they have the abstraction capacity of an artist but the cerebral carefulness of an intellectual, leading to perfectionistic tendencies with their creative output. A withdrawn 5w4 is likely trying to search for the conditions in life to create their masterwork, whatever form that may take. 5w4's engage the world with nuance, detail, precision, with very deeply felt and often highly original observations both artistically and intellectually. 5w4's often surprise people by being quite charming and social when engaged one on one, or even in a small group where the 5w4 feels the level of detail, carefulness, and precision necessary to represent themselves in conversation isn't being drowned out. But they then get progressively quieter in large, busy, noisy or fast-paced social environments where they rightfully realize their gift for nuance and precision would be lost on people. Yet 1 on 1 or in small groups, 5w4's can suddenly talk a mile a minute and become quite extraverted if the right person and/or subject is engaging them. That's because 5w4's have a wellspring of knowledge and emotional passion they're constantly quietly harboring, but are waiting for rare instances when the conditions are right to "publish" their thoughts and feelings on something, much the way they often spend months, years, or even decades harboring the ambitions of an artistic or intellectual project before they ever "publish" it to others. The unhealthiest 5w4's let the perfect be the enemy of the good to such a degree that they never end up engaging society with their contribution. These 5w4's often feel like they've wasted their whole lives, never truly being known to anyone, because they never found the conditions to adequately display or capture the height of their talents in action. The healthiest 5w4's, at some point, do capture the perfect conditions to leave their contribution. 5w4's WITH a mastered contribution can suddenly become extremely stabilized, social, and positively minded. This is because 5w4's don't create for status so much as substance. They want to record the songs they'd write as if they were on an island and nobody was there to hear. They want to write this same way, and create this same way. So for 5w4's, at the point of an artistic or intellectual document of themselves being wrought as close to their mind's eye as possible, they're emotionally free. Unlike other artists and intellects, how much the world around them "likes" what they've created, is unusually irrelevant. The peace is brought by THEM knowing they captured with accuracy, their inner voice. 5w4's can be great in a romantic relationship, and have accessible emotional depth to them, but they do need a lot of free time in relationships, and they need that free time to be understood by their partner as healthy for the relationship, not neglectful of it. Another key feature of 5w4's in a relationship is they will often have a "lower gear", very distinct from their intellectual or artistic self, with which they USUALLY engage their partner. A more basic and simple-minded form of themselves. They do this because the weight of what they're usually carrying in their head exhausts them in even trying to explain it half the time, often due to the degree of abstractness and ungrounded thinking, so rather than not engaging their partner at all, they'll engage them lovingly but simply, in this "lower gear" to remain in intimate emotional contact without being taxed for the interaction too heavily with a vulnerable reveal. However WHEN a 5w4 does "let it all out", it comes out with extreme emotional intensity. The 5w4 is what happens when an intense, emotionally alive human dams back the release of their inner thoughts 95% of the time as they organize and inventory them, and then release the flood 5% of the time when they feel they're in a brief streaking window where they can "master" explaining themselves. 5w4's are more ambivalent about their jobs than most, because their jobs are rarely their identity. In fact, their jobs tend to annoyingly distract from their true identity, which usually feels to them like "what they'd be doing if they didn't have to work". Where some people would be bored to tears if they were retired or wasteful with shallow purchases with money, a 5w4 would be overjoyed with retirement and tend to use money towards extremely healthy things. For example, if a 5w4 was gifted 1 million dollars, they'd rather buy a small cheap house that enables enough money be left over to temporarily or permanently quit their job, and maximize mastering their artistic and intellectual contributions, than a 3 for example, who might blow the entire thing on a large mansion to alert everyone to their successfulness. In the rare cases where a 5w4 has high job satisfaction, it is because they've managed to align their sense of fun and/or cathartic expression, with how they make money. Long-lived 5w4's often have among the happiest retirements because for many of them, it represents the first time in their lives that their life conditions have had the correct mixture of financial resources and free time to capture their true essence. Rather than feeling worthless by having no job, they feel free! Rather than losing the context to contribute to something, they feel the birth of the context where they can actually contribute on their terms, on their time, at their pace. 5w4's are also uncanningly accurate at sensing how a social interaction will unfold before it does. That's because they're excellent readers of others' personalities. The reason is their proximity to 4 giving them strong emotional access, but their 5 dominance then filtering that emotional awareness through incredibly detailed inward analytical filters. The end result is a personality type that often knows you better than you know yourself. This can be annoying to 5w4's and even infuriating, because they often can "see how the movie will end" from a poorly planned outing or night on the town, well before it ends that way, just based on who is involved and what the itinerary is. Male 5w4's are completely off the alpha/beta spectrum. They actually have trouble identifying with the concepts. To them, they neither want to lead nor follow. They neither want to dominate the power of a room or have their power subsumed. The happiest 5w4's are in 100% control over their environment, while rarely seeking control over anyone else. Finally, 5w4's tend to have fewer friends than average, but BETTER friends than average. That's because 5w4's WANT social connection (brought on by the 4 wing) but they're annoyed by people whose IQ disappoints their 5 trait, or whose EQ disappoints their 4 trait, or whose energetic aggression (such as a 3 or an 8) invades their space. Therefore when a 5w4 finds a unicorn personality that appreciated their nuance and emotional depth while also engaging them calmly and in measured amounts, the 5w4 will bend over backwards to not lose the rare compatible social resource. They will also tend to try to maintain very OLD friendships, often dating back to early adulthood or even childhood. The reason is the 5w4 rightfully identifies themself as highly complex, with an unusual degree of nuance personality wanting to unfurl on others, which can take years before they feel they've shown enough of themselves to be understood. This is why they hoard long friendships. They often feel the arc of their life needed to be witnessed firsthand or for hundreds of hours to have been logged in interaction before feeling seen. This is why once they DO feel seen by someone, they're extremely hesitant to let the relationship erode away. DIGNITY is absolutely crucial to the 5w4. Wanting to avoid neediness is due to wanting to avoid a loss of dignity. A loss of the refined and majestic innerworld in which they themselves have majesty. They themselves are in a state of grace and as a mind and heart. To support a 5w4, if you are well funded, consider an artistic or scholarship patronage for them, where you provide them a chance to set work aside for a year and finally capture their inner masterwork. If not well funded, let them know you realize it must be hard to have an innerworld so deafening in its calling that it renders connection to the outside world somewhat secondary. Let them know that you want to know how to support the conditions for their innerworld to be better captured, and when the outerworld appeals to them. Think of forming a relationship or friendship with a 5w4 like forming a relationship with someone watching two television sets at the same time, and you can only see one of them. The other TV set- the one you can't see- is what they most obsessively want to broadcast. Let them know you get that intense innerworld dynamic, and encourage their sharing of it. It's usually a fascinating landscape."

@s.j_iv

2 жыл бұрын

I relate to all of this. Thank you for sharing!

@veronica1783

Жыл бұрын

Whoah thank you so much for sharing!

@wongalwin

Жыл бұрын

💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

@Slaveternal

5 ай бұрын

Freakishly on point. I’m going to read this out to my therapist 😅 …(I am)

Husband and I were just talking about whether we should go to someone's wedding or go to the family party for the couple later this year. He's a 9. We were both like, "I dunno...skip both?" Re making polite noises when talking to a stranger but thinking about something else....definitely. I'm thinking, "I have to get out of here. I already have too many friends."

My husband is an 8 and i am a 5 and he acts more like a 5 at home and i definitely act more like a 8 at home. It's very interesting.

Yessir two posts within a week

In my experience, sexual fives get called too intense and jealous of sharing the partner

@RebeccaPetersWellness

3 жыл бұрын

As a sexual five, I relate to this!

@joannamiddleton4713

3 жыл бұрын

My husband is like this. But he also has that avarice with his time and money and tended to only pay attention to me when he wanted intimacy.

I'm pretty sure I'm a social 5 (an oxymoron, it may seem) and I find it super hard to not friendzone people I'm interested in because friendship isn't as involved as romantic relationships. In friendships you get the choice to engage or not, it's not all on you to meet the person's emotional needs because they have other friends. The choice to either sit out an event or join in, with no expectations of me to do either, is honestly what I want the most. I don't always want to isolate myself, but when I do I want the choice not to go to the party or the gathering. But when I'm feeling good and mentally ready to hang out with people, I can be engaged and fun to hang out with (at least I think so.) Howeverrr relationships mean that the choice to engage or not isn't just effecting me, it's also effecting my partner. So now I'm obligated to go to a gathering, even on low battery mode, because if I don't my partner will be sad and it's my fault. :( It's just a lot of responsibility and energy drain. I like people but I'm just not ready to commit that kind of energy to someone. And yeah, vulnerability is very scary lol.

I'm a 5, but my preferred love language is physical touch (tied with quality time). For that reason, I think I can give my own insight on this. I think it's important to understand that, although I don't like intrusion, it's specifically the intrusion of the MIND that I don't like. I absolutely don't mind physical intrusion, unless it causes some kind of mental intrusion. I will say that it's better if non-physical intimacy comes first, though. Personally -back to the love languages - I seek quality time first, but physical touch is still equally preferred. When regarding the autism idea, though, I don't think it's the same thing. I'm not a professional psychologist, but I took nearly four years of college in the psychology field before dropping out. The reason why autistic people don't like to be touched, at least from what I can remember, is because it's literally painful, so I don't think you can connect the two. I do think 5s can seem like they're on the spectrum, though, so I'm not discounting your entire idea. My own dad calls me Rainman, sometimes! 😂 Anyway, I just don't think you can connect the physical touch part. Also, I recognize other 5s might be different. Anyway, I loved the video and you were spot on for almost all of it! Thanks! It's good to have a video I can show people when I need to describe why I do certain things.

@heatherbryant4197

3 жыл бұрын

Same here! My love language is physical touch, followed by quality time. Btw, are you INTP? Or INFP? And do you know whether you're sp/sx or sx/sp or something else? Also, on the note of autism, I, myself, am not autistic, though I could possibly be confused with a person on the spectrum at times, but my partner has Aspergers and my little sister is autistic, so I can speak to this from personal experience. Yes, people on the spectrum often have sensory sensitivities. These can be hypersensitivities or hyposensitivities, but more often than not it seems the feeling of being touched can be overwhelming for many people on the spectrum. Even the texture of certain types of fabric can be extremely uncomfortable to them. So the reaction can be one of physical discomfort, sometimes combined with struggling to understand the intentions of the person touching them, as they might not "get" social rituals or have difficulty reading emotion. It that sense it may be not only painful, but confusing and interpreted as possibly threatening. I often don't want to be touched by strangers or acquaintances, not because the somatic sensation is so uncomfortable, but more often because I feel like my boundaries are being violated and my freedom and autonomy is literally being restricted, if I am held in a long embrace, for instance, literally unable to move or escape. I have a tendency to not look people in the eye when they're talking, and this, coupled with an occasional spurt of oversharing details about niche interests, can possibly make me come across as exhibiting traits that resemble autism. The thing is though, I am perfectly aware that making eye contact is socially-expected and that most people don't want to be bored by dry details of some academic topic. I have some grasp of theory of mind; I know what other people are likely thinking and how I might come across. It's just that sometimes I don't care lol. I think, listen, and process information much better when I'm not looking right at you or being distracted by your facial expressions and wild gesticulation of pantomime theater. So if people don't understand or can't accept that after years of knowing me, they're just not the one for me, in my mind.

@kylehern5132

3 жыл бұрын

@@heatherbryant4197 I'm an INTJ. I don't know what the sp/sx refers to. I like that you point out that autistic people sometimes don't like physical touch because of their lack of social understanding of its meaning. I didn't think about that, but it makes sense. It's funny how you say that you know others don't want to hear you talk about something boring and how you don't make eye contact, but you do it anyway. I'm the opposite. I don't know if they want to hear what I have to say, so I stay quiet, yet I make eye contact (although I didn't used to make eye contact). The times when I do share are when I know the other person is interested. Otherwise, I'm fully content on keeping it to myself and thinking about it on my own. Rather than being perceived as someone who overshares, I'm perceived as shy, which I'm not. I also don't mind physical touch, like hugs, from acquaintances or strangers. I just don't see it as a love language until we share quality time.

@ctmohr4231

3 жыл бұрын

I agree with all of it, I’m exactly the same! I honestly thought I was the ONLY 5 that liked physical touch 🤣

@stripmallhighschool9994

2 жыл бұрын

I was suprised to find touch was a big thing of mine once I accepted that gf's really want you to touch them. When I was young I would have more readily accepted that it was some misunderstanding or that they were just being polite than that they were really attracted to me. Also I agree that mental interruptions are the frustrating thing, i don't care about physical ones that don't disrupt my thoughts but repeatedly interrupting me while I'm concentrating for a trivial reason or bc you feel you deserve my attention in that moment bc you want it will sometimes cause me to lock up. Then I can't think and won't be able to get back on track for awhile even if I'm left alone. Also my sense of hearing has always been sensitive and I don't stare at people when they're talking to me either, that's bonkers, I listen and glance. I wish I could remember the comedians name who said "A fine line separates eye contact from the piercing stare of a psychopath." Also people pay close attention to your eyes and where they're cast and I dont think 5's like people drawing their sometimes idiot conclusions from observing us, it's too much to manage.

The word I think you're looking for is, nihilistic...(typical 5 here...) After years of trying to ascertain my type, you nailed it! Thanks so much 🙂

5:00 Fun fact: highway lines are 10 feet long even though they look shorter. This is because speed warps our sense of distance.

Thank you ! New subscriber here! I’m married to a 6w5, and I’m a 5w4.

Great insight very proud of this

@twlahue

25 күн бұрын

Awesome

Oh man that's spot on!!! Love-intimacy is about deciding that someone is worth the price of the pains... Freaking perfect!!! I didn't know that this wasn't true for everyone... Woah

I really liked the 2 island analogy, going to be borrowing that one for sure 👍 😄

How do 5s stay sane as parents? This scares me.

Super helpful and interesting! Big thanks Tom!

Wow this is scary accurate. I had no idea how much avarice plays out in every facet of my life.

On the debate thing, I’ve had people say in arguments, “you think you’re always right.” Don’t ever say that lol. 1) 5’s change their minds as much (or more) than anyone else. They just do it in private, and after copious amounts of research. 2) Everyone on the planet thinks they’re right about their beliefs. That’s what “believe” means-“I’m convinced X is true.” You cannot simultaneously think you’re wrong about something you think is correct. It’s impossible. Everyone thinks they’re right about what they’re arguing for. It doesn’t mean they ARE right; but it does mean they think they’re right.

The intimacy part is all true but I felt like that towards people that I wasn't in an acknowledged relationship. I don't need them much I don't want them to need me too much either. HOWEVER it's complitely different in the relationship with my husband. I feel like it's my space and I'm open, joking around, want to touch, hug, kiss, not all the time of course, but if he initiates it it's fine for me. Maybe bc I'm a female 5w4 which probably makes me a bit more social and externally emotional than male 5s. And he's 4 so he's not very obtrusive like 2s would be. Just a right amount of physical love.

Growing as a 5 and learning social skills helps a lot, church helped be learn these skills. Still draining but can be enjoyable ;)

Near the very end at 39 minutes the phone rings you pick it up and hang it up I was actually expecting you to pick it up and then hang up but you took it off the hook that is such a tight five thing to do I give you fat props for staying on topic

I'm a 5w6 and everything you said about 5s is true. My wife is a 4 and she doesn't understand my need to isolate. I hate the holidays because she makes me go to parties and get togethers and I would much rather just stay home. We are like skittish dogs we will eat out of your hand but we will be very suspicious about it and when you try to grab us we are going to run away.

I'm sure it's an adjustment for fives to get in a relationship where they have to share their lair. Lol my son is a five and he likes his room. He does have Aspergers. He has had multiple topics over the years. Sometimes we have to redirect the conversation in a nice way if we have discussed his topic a long time. Great video! Thank you for sharing.

Cutting people off and frivolous energies=[efficiency]👍

@itdoesntconcernyou8541

5 ай бұрын

oh hi another libertarian

Wow!! I feel like you were describing every detail about me to the T! 😃 INTJ 5

Does anyone else feel that, after learning the Eneagram, you can't stop thinking of better ways to explain it to loved ones? I'm curious bc, when I first saw value in it, I tried to explain it to loved ones but they acted like it wasnt important. So I kinda gave up trying to make them see it. Then after rethinking everything with a better understanding, I know now I won't stop until I find the perfect way to explain it. In a way that people take me serious enough, that they put just a little of my kind of work in, to learn it.

@DiamondsRexpensive

3 жыл бұрын

Why does being taken seriously matter? Not everyone is meant to see the things you see.

@jarrodknight4698

3 жыл бұрын

@@DiamondsRexpensive Good point. I'm not sure why it matters. I think bc of the way people judge me for not being as active as others and thinking I'm not social enough. Also thinking I waste my time. When really, I just like finding information that I didn't know before. I also like sharing useful information, to help others. People usually take this as me "proving how smart I am", when really it's me trying to help bc I know not everyone analyzes information like me. But again, people take it as me implying they are dumb or couldn't figure things out on their own.

Finally!😍😍

As a type 2 married to a type 5... THANK U! 💕💕💕💕

Thanks for the video. Words escape me a lot these days too; I think the word you were looking for at around the 17th minute mark is nihilistic. Fatalistic also links to some of what you said there.

I’m extremely aware of my body, and crave physical interaction. I feel very much like I need someone I’m with to be here for me to touch my leg to on the couch. I’m highly intimate emotionally and physically. Sharing my learning journeys with someone is the highlight of my day, and helps me feel like I’m connecting with my partner. Learning about everything, is useless if I can’t share it with the person I’m sharing my space with.

5w4 (INTJ)- great video; I could relate/validate to most everything

Never felt so validated 🤯

I realize now I need to brush up on my highway line coloring system

As a type 5 infj, this is accurate, all my friends are intp and something I appreciate from them is their sense if independence high sense of self without being selfish or cold, they very thoughtful and loyal friends, we enjoy life n a very similar way, we quiet, private, we don't talk just to do so, silence doesn't feel awkward between us. Despite of the fame of 5 being cold, we not, we caring, empathic and loyal friends and partners, we just move slowly to get to feel comfortable enough to open up= we take time to observe ppl to see if their align with our lifestyle and values. This doesn't mean that all my friends have to be "like me" bc I value uniqueness n ppl and I love learnings different points of views, I think is more about similar values and morals about life, in the way I can trust em fully.

My best friends are my books. When they let me down,, I throw them away and buy new ones. It's like a "replacement theology".

Extremely illuminating

Omg 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I’m laughing so hard. You’re SPOT ON!

At 25:00 all I can say is best that 5's don't assume, as people may expect them to, as it's less confusing.

Im a five and I avoid conflict because I have such a strong emotional reaction that it might take me days to recover from when sometimes the other person just needed to explode express etc and move on.

@ty_0001

11 ай бұрын

yes! I take a long time to recover too

Take a shot whenever he takes his glasses on or off

I'm a 5w4 that's about to go on a date with a gal who I'm pretty darn sure is a 5w6. This is going to be VERY useful.

@HampnieHambart

3 ай бұрын

So how did it go?

This is the most insanely accurate description of who I am from the time I was a baby this is painfully accurate this is why I hate being a parent this is why I hate being a kid this is why I cannot be a wife or a girlfriend this is why I truly love being alone I’m not a narcissist I think I’m empathic but literally you describe who I am completely it’s like one big huge contradiction but somehow you make it make sense

I wish I had known about the enneagram long ago. People are drawn to me like bees to honey, and I’m as staunch a 5 as one gets. Yet as a lover of Christ, I want to be useful to Him, causing a lot of conflict inside me because every fiber of my being wants solitude. The other personality typing could tell me who I am, such as INFJ, but not where I am healthy versus unhealthy. I have laughed so much at Dr Tom’s descriptions because it’s so me, but he adds the recognition of why I am so obtuse when stressed and where I need to move towards to be healthier for myself but particularly for others. I’m not wallowing in pride that I’m this person, I want to change to my most useful and unstressed self, otherwise, why am I here at all??

I believe I am a 5. I am an associate pastor working under a senior pastor that I think is an 8. I often can get frustrated with him but am trying to find a way to sync with him. I believe I also have 4 wing. Find it very difficult to have healthy conflict and expressing my disagreement. Was abused at age of 4 and I’m sure that complicates things. I enjoy being social but have trouble connecting on a deeper level. It is difficult to have friendships where I interact on a regular basis. I see others with close friendships and wish I had that but feel unable.

I am a 7 w8 but my mother is a 5. When we get along we get along incredibly well. We enjoy discussing big theories and ideas. However, When things go wrong or there is a crisis and we are both functioning at a low level it is a very unhealthy relationship. Our needs at this point are polar opposites. I want to fully resolve the issue to illiminate pain and am very emotional and she wants to close the door and resolve it in her head or cut off from emotions. Its a downward spiral really and very hard to resolve. Any thoughts? Has anyone else had a similar barrier?

I don’t get what the avarice, greed sin bit is? It would be helpful if you would make a video about this sin stuff…it sounds kind of ideological and preachy to me…I am a 5w4 and I am not ranting…educate me.I appreciate you Dr Lahue. I am a fan, I enjoy and religiously watch your channel…

Being a five as a female and I believe I have a six swing from all the test I’ve taken, is very difficult because a lot of people, especially in the workforce, tend to characterize quiet females as potentially bitchy, rude, not as bubbly and social like a lot of women might come across? This is just my experience as a five in meetings where I don’t have anything to say but I have a ton of thoughts about all of my observations. Another observation I have is about fives having a lot of positivity about improving processes but a lot of people are defensive towards the five’s ideas because the five has been quiet in work meetings. But this is not very accurate because more of the five has just been collecting data and trying to figure out where they can best offer their ideas in the most productive manner. I think fives are pretty efficient with how they choose to speak to people and prioritize their energy on convincing people about their observations.