My narcissistic mother recently discovered this channel, and now sees narcissists everywhere, except in the mirror

@melanieroe2410

Жыл бұрын

Woops :(

@studyjunkie2546

Жыл бұрын

😂 😂 😂 😂

@tanyat4854

Жыл бұрын

😂👌

@bundydryandlime

Жыл бұрын

The scary thing is, i think I might have fallen into this category. Learned so much lately and I don't like what I see around me or of myself...... Change is hard but is sometimes needed

@tanyat4854

Жыл бұрын

@@bundydryandlime It's just a maybe. As far as I know, a person has to go through a lot of tests with a psychiatrist to be marked in that category. Every person in the world is a bit narcissistic. Even empaths. It is not the same as NPD.

Seasoned divorce e lawyer here. I am so happy that modern technology exists so people like Dr. Ramani have a platform to explain narcissistic personality disorder. Get educated. Vet very carefully. Do NOT marry or get into a long term relationship with a narcissist. Stay safe out there!

@eileencaudillo2797

2 жыл бұрын

Yes her info is very knowledgeable, the abuse I went through was inberabl, I self-esteem is much better, take care 🙂

@TinaLouise73

2 жыл бұрын

I attract nasty narcs like a magnet! N not the repellent ones either! :(

@kaitlinjensen

2 жыл бұрын

@@TinaLouise73 seems like I do too, so now I have a dog instead.

@judithparris1818

2 жыл бұрын

Wish my poor mother knew this 60 years ago! Too late now🤷🏾‍♀️

@xyaeiounn

2 жыл бұрын

I'm no fool and I wasn't when I met my covert narcissist wife. It took years for the act to slip and then it completely fell away.

"Do narcissists know they are narcissists?" They don't use that term as a rule, they simply know they're the only one who knows anything and they're always RIGHT!

@shirleyann1901

2 жыл бұрын

You are absolutely right.

@vtcook1930

2 жыл бұрын

Lol…damnit

@buddhacook1087

2 жыл бұрын

Yep, u got that right.

@artistelaine1061

2 жыл бұрын

The one in my life was very incensed when I mentioned that he was obviously a narcissist (frankly a covert narcissist)! Apparently he doesn't like that honest description-maybe even really doesn't realize that it fits perfectly!

@Lonnie_Jones_Photography

2 жыл бұрын

@@artistelaine1061 The Coverts are the WORST in my experience. The overt ones are so obvious it's easy to spot and avoid them. The covert ones take awhile to detect and by the time you catch on, they've already begun to abuse you.

I remember once having an epiphany that my mother MUST know that her behavior is wrong because of the way she hides/misrepresents it around other people. If they didn't know it was wrong, they would behave the same way around everyone.

@janeemkay7484

Жыл бұрын

Good point.

@lauraswann5543

Жыл бұрын

🎯 Thank you!

@stevenk-brooks6852

Жыл бұрын

Wow! A great example of something which becomes obvious after someone points it out, yet somehow might not have been noticed even though it was right in front of you. Thank you, Privacy Freedom.

@freedombug11

Жыл бұрын

@@stevenk-brooks6852 I'm glad that was helpful!

@klaythoring1326

Жыл бұрын

That paired well with my discovery that my secrecy to protect the abusive people in my life was hamstringing my getting acceptance and health. So what if they are upset that I’ve said true things? They care more about that than the damage done to me…it’s my story to tell as much as anyone else’s.

This part: "We live in a world where narcissism is incentivized and rewarded..." Preach!

@lisamartinez6899

2 жыл бұрын

Yes they do and they even have their “Squads” of flying monkeys that help destroy you !

@cc1k435

2 жыл бұрын

@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 "Preach!" just means "I agree, keep talking this way!" Kind of like shouting, "Amen!" at a church sermon.

@justmichael6628

2 жыл бұрын

This is very true . Especially when you see all the advertisements they make with Adults speaking with children's voices . Such as the pizza and gummy commercials . Their trying to normalize Narcissism behavior . It's bad enough that we have adult children in places of power and authority with out honor or integrity showing only self-entitlement .

@semperfiarcher

2 жыл бұрын

@@cc1k435 Agreed. "Preach!" is an American saying, so it makes as much sense to non-Americans as "Oath" means to non-Australians.

@j.lauren8518

2 жыл бұрын

So sad.

I believe they know that their behavior is wrong, which is why most of them preach about privacy and how “what happens in the home stays in the home”, because they don’t want people to know their tricks or for others to point out the abuse and support us to leave and thus they lose their supply. So regardless if they know they’re a narcissist or not, they do know their behavior is self-serving regardless of how it affects others and don’t care.

@JS-co3eo

2 жыл бұрын

Agree

@brimstone33

2 жыл бұрын

Not that simple. They may know their behavior is self-serving regardless of how it affects others and don’t care. And they may not think there is anything wrong with that at all. Think of it like this. For the longest time in human history some people kept other people as slaves. They knew they were exploiting those slaves, they knew those slaves suffered physically and emotionally. And the slave owners were perfectly OK with that, they even saw it as their (sometimes God-given) right to own other people. Even non-slave owners thought slavery was peachy-keen. This only changed when there was a huge global shift in morality after enough people realized the immorality of slave ownership and laws against it were enacted. In fact if those laws did not exist, there are still plenty of people around today who would be perfectly OK owning slaves. Narcissist need hard boundries, like laws and other measures, to fence in their toxic behaviors exactly because they DON'T see exploiting others as wrong.

@nyxdanvers7480

2 жыл бұрын

@@brimstone33 I agree. What I’m saying is just because they personally don’t feel like it’s wrong they know others will think so and thus try to isolate and keep their supply quiet so that others don’t learn the truth of the situation and teach their supply that they’re being manipulated and abused, in turn risking the supply from leaving and they lose their supply.

@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470

2 жыл бұрын

They do not change.

@johnpaulsawan1990

2 жыл бұрын

This was my dads mantra after he abandoned us and left the country. He knew my mom was abusing me physically, emotionally, and more. He eventually came back due to pressure from his family but he aggressively gaslights us.

I once asked one of those Group 4 people: "Would you rather be always right or would you rather have friends?" They answered angrily: "I want to have friends who understand that I'm right!" I realised that this relationship had no future.

@karishort1891

2 жыл бұрын

Wow...lol holy crap

@allisonbaxter6439

Жыл бұрын

Asked my narcissist ex, "would you rather be right or happy?" He said, "I'd rather be happily right."

@sweetluvgurl

Жыл бұрын

It’s kinda mind blowing to me that anyone can assume they are always right. We all have issues that limit us in different ways. Also, I feel like being “right” is often subjective anyway. Many people have different views on many aspects. Who is to say who is really “right”? I think on very few aspects can people definitely agree something is “right” or “wrong.” Otherwise, it’s simply just their view.

@mikimiki6202

Жыл бұрын

The response I received...was being right

@blakec8549

Жыл бұрын

Huh, my ex asked me this one once. The right or happy varient. I told her I don't know how to be happy. I wonder if she was testing to see if I was a narcissist?

I’ve had some strong narcissistic tendencies in my life that has changed over the years. Going from the grandiose overt narcissist to slipping into depression and going the covert route. It was a long process over around a decade. The whole time I saw myself as the “good guy” in every scenario. Like I always felt that my opinion was the final authority and I took it as a threat when somebody’s opinion differed. It’s a terrible feeling realizing all of the pain you caused other people when reality hits you. I can’t undo my actions and words from the past, I just try to do better every day. So yeah I belong to group 2. And I thank God above for allowing me to sober up a little mentally.

@jasoncheshire6153

10 ай бұрын

This is my wife. Can you please let me know if you changed enough to consider yourself healthy enough to have a healthy relationship? I’m strongly considering divorce. I can’t do this anymore it’s been 10 years.

@lukekiefer5964

9 ай бұрын

@@jasoncheshire6153People are variable. That guy’s experience likely won’t be the same as your wife

@leticiakabz5635

8 ай бұрын

How did you find out that you had a problem? The person in my life seems not to know that there is something very wrong.

@TheColbles2009

8 ай бұрын

@@jasoncheshire6153I’m sorry to hear that. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be 100% normal compared to a healthy person. I just gave my life up one day to the lord Jesus Christ and he saved me. I didn’t become perfect, but almost instantly I could recognize when I was being a jerk,, subtly or openly. Still do. I pray that you find peace with your wife and that y’all can work it out.

@TheColbles2009

8 ай бұрын

@@leticiakabz5635 ironically I’d been watching surviving narcissisms channel and dr ramani’s as well. I was watching them to justify my unwarranted negative feelings about someone else lol. I was also on a spiritual journey which eventually led to me giving my life to the Lord Jesus Christ. He opened my eyes to a lot of what I truly was, and it didn’t feel good. I’ve been leaning on him for healing from my own self inflicted damage, and it’s a battle some days but it’s definitely much better than the past life I was living.

The best advice I ever got was "if someone tells you they are toxic or hurt people, believe them". These people will often tell you what others have said about them, hoping you will disagree. Pay close attention, their past partners probably knew more than you do now.

@grayhalf1854

2 жыл бұрын

I asked my ex what her ex-husband would likely say about her. She answered that he would say that she's an angry gold-digging bitch. In fairness to her I didn't see the gold digging (I didn't let things get that far) but the anger, wow, never seen anything like it in my life. It's weird that she was actually quite candid about certain things that didn't exactly paint her in the best light (for example that all her friends told her that she should never have kids, and when she did get pregnant that she should have an abortion)... I wonder whether she felt compelled to self-disclose somehow, for reasons that were opaque even to her. Once I'd worked out she likely had a cluster B personality disorder a lot of what she'd told me made a lot more sense. I would have thought that she would do everything to avoid giving herself away but looking back she definitely gave me clues, almost from day one. Weird.

@queengoblin

2 жыл бұрын

"I fuck everything up" 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

@jettstap

2 жыл бұрын

That is so true narcissistic people drop hints very early to test how far they can push or what others will tolerate in their search for victims - it might be done in a comical away like laughing while admitting they are selfish

@amojak

2 жыл бұрын

@@grayhalf1854 interesting, i had similar and i assume it is because their position of being right means they cannot see anything wrong with their behaviours and as they have zero concern in reality for your feelings, they have no reason not to tell you.

@leonab545

2 жыл бұрын

I noticed that a narc that my friend has to deal with tells him “I don’t care” quiet often. And it’s when he states his feelings or how exhausted he is before she wants him to do one more chore. I said, wow, she’s actually honest here, she doesn’t just care about how you are feeling, your health, etc And it’s true, he had a healthy crisis and she blamed him for ruining the holidays, didn’t do one caring thing, actually ended up leaving him to enjoy her holidays as planned, except now he wasn’t available for extra chores as per usual. And upon her return, she just went back to giving him tasks to do, not a single word about how he is doing and if he needs anything, not a single offer of maybe you need a day off to recover more? Nope, they are such users and they tell you as much of you pay attention.

I was with someone who was in group 3 and I was the only one who ever held him accountable for anything but after a while it was easier to look the other way rather than deal with his wrath. When we finally went to couples therapy he accused the therapist of taking my side and after a while stopped going. I continued to go to therapy to help me deal with him and one day he thanked me to continue going to therapy because he said I really needed it. He had no idea why I was still going. In the end when I called him out on something he did, he stormed out of my life. A week later begged me to take him back but I really couldn’t allow it. It’s the best thing that happened to me.

@awilliams198131

2 жыл бұрын

I was with a group 2 and when I brought up therapy he would get so furious. He said there was nothing therapy could improve for him because he didn't think it worked. He said therapy was for people who actually needed it and he can work out his problems on his own. I have personally been I therapy for many years and he would also say to me "I know you need to have your therapy appointments" and things like that. Lol like kind of in a way saying I had issues I needed help with and that was something that was below him. It's so toxic. Therapy is a beautiful thing and narcissistic people seem to have such a problem with it. Probably the not wanting to be held responsible for their ways has something big to do with that.

@pbandjedi5006

2 жыл бұрын

I was with a group 3 too. Tried therapy 2 different times, both times he just lied to the therapist and made me look crazy, unstable and controlling. He would never admit to anything, sensitive narc. Everyone else was always the AH. I doubt he would ever do self reflection - living with him was very much like living with a young spoiled teenager.

@jugg9140

2 жыл бұрын

he he he he, so many girls dont know narcissist. There are more female narcissist than a male narcissist.

@marysullivan1815

2 жыл бұрын

Not reacting to their gaslighting is for the best .Then they realise you don't get affected

@katarina9983

2 жыл бұрын

@em p My mother says exactly the same thing about her doing it on her own. I tried demystifying therapy saying that you might get an idea about the situation from the therapist that you wouldn't even think of (because you're stuck in your self righteous patterns, but I didn't say that part). She got mad saying she didn't need people's ideas. If she was going to get a new idea it would be from god putting it in there. She's even threatened by someone having an idea. Her self identity is so fragile. I understand it, growing up with her mother, but come on. She's gotten so self righteous and religious lately it's barely possible to have a conversation about the weather.

I was an only child surrounded by adult narcissists, histrionics, and enablers. I see now how much my self-trust and decision-making abilities were affected by their abuse. Today I get dismissed or berated for calling them out, but I know my feelings are valid and true. It's a breath of fresh air to hear Dr. Ramani articulate so many things that were weird when I grew up.

@daver1787

2 жыл бұрын

Good for you!

@RawOlympia

2 жыл бұрын

Shout out, another only child here who went thru it with only monsters about - so glad you made it, these chans are so deeply edifying. It makes it hard to protect oneself, because I was not allowed to. Just realized that I could have used this advice and wisdom 30 years ago.

@solobano570

2 жыл бұрын

Same here. It left me insecure for life and the worst to hear is when someone nastily says “you are just like them!” My biggest fear is to be like them. I have lots of genuine empathy, but life presents you with lots of challenges and sometimes I overreact, true. However, I find it really painful when relative in anger says ‘you are just like your father!’ So, the society or family makes the recovery impossible; any moment in behavior that they don’t like, they would easily dismiss by you are just like the narcissist so and so…Even when the fault is on their side. I find it easier to withdraw into my work.

@lacy0409

2 жыл бұрын

@@solobano570 This is too accurate! Toxic families almost want you to turn out crappy so they can blame you for their issues. Work is appealing because people have to act right and treat you professionally. As I type this, I'm getting ready for my commute super early so I can get out of here. I moved back to my childhood home to help my widowed stepmom, and my histrionic mom in the next town over -- but now it's all become so clear. The perfectionism, enabling, bullying, etc. Looking forward to work, and getting away from the toxicity. Insecurity can be healed with nutrition, rest, and caring for your physical body. If you wouldn't put a child in the line of fire with those people, then don't be around them either. You don't have to associate with toxic "family."

@crystalbluewire3339

2 жыл бұрын

@Lacy Holmes, Yes they want you to turn out crappy. They need a scapegoat to fortify their interiority. Usually they are obsessed with your life , what you do for a living and what your home LOOKS like on Google Earth. MNPD only want compliance , admiration, and servitude. They hate to be uncomfortable. Their betrayal to you , about you, is part of their game and set up for you to do what they did to you. They have no humanity or accountability .But they sure feel their own pain. Aww. . .

Thank you, now I understand why the label "narcissist" never quite seemed 100% fitting for my mother. A spoiled, sheltered, privileged, yet also emotionally deprived and traumatized, upper class princess, histrionic to boot with a possible side helping of bipolar, both her parents being heavily traumatized from WW2, emotionally inept and as hopelessly stuck in their 19th century ways as was the norm for that generation. I understand why she put me on a pedestal while, at the same time, constantly devaluating me and doing her brutal best to keep me insecure, dependent, and disenfranchised. She could switch gears between furious hysterics and dramatic self-pity at the drop of a hat. My father, who'd been raised like a leashed dog by his alsatian-breeding stepfather, was not only way too weak to reign her in but actually believed that mother must be obeyed, no matter what, end of story. To quote the late, great Terry Pratchett, my parents were so out of their depth that the fish had lights on their heads. They were emotionally crippled, mentally stunted, and stuck in a nightmarish "more of the same" vicious cycle with no way to help themselves. In hindsight, I realize they really did the best they could. Given their intellectual and emotional equipment, it's a miracle they didn't both die in an argument with a traffic sign or a lamp pole. Luckily, their behaviour was so outrageously stupid, irrational, nonsensical and incoherent that, even as a child, I realized that they were the ones not functioning properly, not me. So I guess after decades of battling them and the demons they put into me, I've finally come full circle. Sorry for the rant, I trust you'll recognize it as self-therapy.

@TheNicoliyah

2 жыл бұрын

Bless you for your insight, Im glad you made it through

@2bouha

2 жыл бұрын

@lyndaslocs

Жыл бұрын

I'm glad you thrived in spite of this.

@markusfreund6961

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your kind replies. :-)

@LoveBeliefTruth

Жыл бұрын

Sounds similar in that I also always knew my parents were crazy, not normal, since very early age. Their thought processes were so nutty that there was never no doubt for me about that.

If they do or they don't know they are narcissists, they know exactly what they do to others!

@deebrown1688

2 жыл бұрын

I agree

@yasminenasser-rafi3696

2 жыл бұрын

They don't care at all about hurting others or the affect of what their words and obnoxious behavior does to others.

@waynenorris5711

2 жыл бұрын

I think mine knew what she was doing but in her mind that's what everyone does so it makes it okay for her to do unto others before they do unto her. I hope this might help in your healing. It's been a hard and confusing road for me.

@p.w.352

2 жыл бұрын

Exactly, which is why we are always on our guard around them.

@jlesliebark8610

2 жыл бұрын

I disagree. Prior to realizing I was narcissistic, I had no idea the effect I had on other people. I was so self absorbed I would manipulate to get my way. I had no empathy and never even thought about what I was saying and how it affected people. I only thought about myself and how I felt and if I got what I wanted. I know now that I have done some serious damage and I have such great remorse for it. I still slip into the rage and embarrassment cycle that Dr. Ramani spoke of, but I have grown and for that I am thankful.

The narcs I’ve encountered seem to regard the approach as just “taking care of business”. If they get what they want; the end justifies the means. If they fail; well…..it’s your fault.

@pulidobl

2 жыл бұрын

This!!

@RevTox

2 жыл бұрын

LOL! Yeah, with my ex, I never would have found such a wonderful house, if it wasn't for her and her family, but whenever anything would go wrong or need repair with the house, it was all my fault and she told me not to buy that house. If anything ever went wrong, it was my fault, even if I did whatever she said or suggested, and especially if I didn't. Of course, she told me I was the manipulative one. How dare I try to suggest she treat me right now and then?

My now ex used to say "Im just telling the truth", when it was entirely something he conjured up in his mind to fit his narrative. Once you are away from the narcissist for some time, you see very clearly many of the manipulations and gaslighting that had previously made you question yourself. Thank you, Dr. Ramani! I still say you are a treasure!

@RevTox

2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like my ex, who I believe was a type 3.

@randomsasquatchwithwifi4090

2 жыл бұрын

@@RevTox which one is type 3?

@diannebrett4074

2 жыл бұрын

My mother would say the exact same thing

@SweetUniverse

Жыл бұрын

Thank you, Random Sasquatch 👍👍

@ct6852

Жыл бұрын

Yeah they're just soooo concerned with The Truth...unless it's something about their feelings, or why they did what they did, or why they're attacking someone in the first place.

Without suggesting any form of condoning, I do believe, based on experience, that narcissistic people are at war with themselves on a deep hidden level, deeply traumatised, and in pain. It's impossible to live with all that, and, like people who create a 2nd personality within, to escape pain, narcissists create an attitude that gives them the sensation and experience of grandiosity As soon as what's underlying is triggered, all hell breaks lose, for the pain is felt. That's something that needs to be covered up at all costs, even at the cost of abuse of others. They're never happy, the power game is all they have and invest in, plus material gain, often.

I called out my narcissistic sadistic father, and from that moment on I was dead to the family. for me it wasn't about saving the relation but about justice and self preservation. Staying in my family would have driven me to suicide. If we keep on turning our heads things will never change.

@hissyfitz7890

2 жыл бұрын

7 suicides in my narcissistic family of origin. Thankful for my self preservation instincts.

@FlyingBirdSs

2 жыл бұрын

I´m sorry to hear that... Good that you stood up for yourself, and for all the injustices that have happened, and what is still going on. I hope you are on a safe place now with some loving people around you. What was your role in the narcissistic family dynamic may i ask? Do you also have brothers and sisters? My family has also turned against me after I started confronting my narcissistic father. I have stood up for all the injustices that have happened within our family, and are still happening, but I have not received any support from anyone in the family. The abuse still continues everyday towards my mother... and family members don't do anything about it. Take care of yourself and put yourself first now.

@ChristopherMHeaps

2 жыл бұрын

Same.

@noraabdulla2486

2 жыл бұрын

How do wvoid want around tu all time

@asym8

2 жыл бұрын

Kudos to you for standing your ground. Shame on the others who turned the other cheek 🫂

They are more concerned about what they want than what others want or need.

Living with narcissist is like living in the Twilight Zone.

I think I'm group 2. Or at least I want to be. I'm in a 7 year relationship with an empath and last week she said she wanted to end it. She is the one who found the narcissist definition and brought it it me. Initially, I tried to disprove it because its very hard to admit that I am narcissistic. I offered to go to therapy now that my eyes were opened, but im afraid it's too late. I want to thank you Dr. Ramani for this video and the one about narcissistic fatigue. My wife has been complaining for years about being tired and foggy as you described. I finally understand what I was doing to her all this time. I am deeply regretful of my behavior and pray that we can work it out for our kids sake.

@thedudeabides3138

7 ай бұрын

Wow. Good on you. Well done for recognising your own behaviour and how it impacts others, this is a truly remarkable breakthrough for a narcissist. I genuinely hope things work out for your family unit and that you get to enjoy the rest of your life (in particular) being a better person as a result of your epiphany.

Do they know isn’t the question. Do they care? That’s the question. And they don’t care. Since they don’t care, what they know never comes into play.

@KaramelKissez37

2 жыл бұрын

No they don't care, unfortunately

@jeffyou6340

2 жыл бұрын

They feel quite entitled to talk down to people or treat them less than dirt sporadically. After a while, you just GET IT, and move on from the their treatment

@tomerbauer

Жыл бұрын

Some care that they are hurting others but are incapable to be different.

I once went in a date with a guy who told me his wife’s therapist said he was a narcissist. His attitude in saying it was , “Can you believe it - how crazy is that? What, me?” I did not go out with him again!!

@oscarwilliamson6163

Жыл бұрын

Deborah Lindsay,You are beautiful,You don't need a narcissist in your life.....

@patfilippelli2191

Жыл бұрын

smart move!

@denny414

Жыл бұрын

Good girl

@LoveBeliefTruth

Жыл бұрын

Haha, some people never talk about what they themselves did in critical manner in therapy

@kimberlyhovis5864

6 ай бұрын

It sounds like you dodged a bullet there. Good for you!

I had a parent like this and even when I directly confronted her she would not accept it. She never did, never apologised. If you are looking for ownership from them or remorse, forget it.

@summydots

Жыл бұрын

You can approach them with solid evidence for all you like, they will still deny it. It's basically their mantra, "deny deny deny I take it to the grave with me"

I was married to a Group 1 narcissist and finally “escaped” after 29 years! It was a hugely disfunctional marriage! I didn’t even know what narcissism was; I just used to tell friends he was a JOY SUCKER!

They might know, but they will never admit to it…in my experience they deflect it onto whoever is telling them they are narcissistic.

@gregorsamsa1364

2 жыл бұрын

Some of them have no problem admitting it at all

@kylaren6337

2 ай бұрын

Absolute facts. They’ll deny deny deny!

Yes. And being a narcissist is part of their insecurity/shame. To point out they’re a narcissist is like shining a light on every insecurity they have! Be prepared if you do call ‘em out

I'm a Group 2 narcissistic whose burnt-out by my behavior. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all that you do!!!!

@herbertsiegl7762

2 жыл бұрын

Good luck my friend

@a.s.h.a118

Жыл бұрын

Good luck on your journey

@YourTrademarkLawyer

Жыл бұрын

How did you find out? If you don’t mind me asking. What do you do to control yourself.

@charlyb7231

Жыл бұрын

Well done and good for you. I can respect a person that realises the error of their ways and tries to do something about it. I feel like you guys in this group maybe didn't say or do those certain horrible things on purpose? Like you just didn't realise what you were causing. I feel like you still maybe had an element of empathy and awareness and shame- that's why you were able to recognise your behaviour and know that it's wrong? Am I right, or am I far off? Lol.

@MrXaihnz

Жыл бұрын

I thought I might be in the second category as well, but I worry I may have been closer to the third category with how ignorant I was to the problems and pain I caused. I hope you're doing better, and I hope all of us narcissists who realize can continue to do better.

In my own observation of a group 3 and group 4, I'd say those types tend to do lots of projecting - calling other people narcissistic or selfish or lacking of empathy, so they understand those behaviors but totally can't recognize they are the ones doing them.

@5Demona5

2 жыл бұрын

My aunt is like this. She seems to be group 3, while I am a people pleaser. I'd be doing everything to keep her happy and she'd always say "You never do anything for me, never try to please me." Which of course was making my anxiety and suicidal thoughts skyrocket... till I moved out

@peterpan148

2 жыл бұрын

I see that too

Fear of exposure and playing victim is proof they know there is something to cover up.

@latsnojokelee6434

Жыл бұрын

Yep, when I got into a texting fight with a narcissist, I literally made bullet points of all the really nasty behavior on their part. They had no come back because I’ve never treated them badly. Their response was the victimization talk about how I had made them feel bad. That seems to be the pattern with our Narcissists-- Put other people down, being nasty, but then when you get called out for it, start crying about how you’re just trying to “help” the other person, or you’ve made me feel bad.

@tooakki

Жыл бұрын

absolutely

@jenniferphan2756

Жыл бұрын

I called the police when my Narc threw an aluminium whiteboard at me. While they were on their way she said "You've made it worse for yourself by calling the police." I have it secretly recorded, but she will 100% deny saying it. When the police placed a restraining order on her, she wrote on the Order "Let this be a reminder of how much hurt you've caused." These people are well aware of their abusive behaviour, it just benefits them to play victim. For a long time I wondered if she truly had that little self awareness, but the the saddest thing is is that they DO know what they're doing. They just don't care. When I discovered that the abuse was deliberate, it just shook me that someone could be so heinous on purpose.

@Freetown54

2 ай бұрын

@@latsnojokelee6434When I called out my narc brother he looked so shocked he actually paused and stopped talking for a second (FOR ONCE!) and after that he just screamed and yapped insults like a 5 year old. The same way he bullied me my whole life, except he’s like 26 years old now 🤦🏻‍♀️it’s crazy how time goes by yet a narc doesn’t mature emotionally at all. They basically act like Disney villains, so shameful and childish.

My 23 year old son has told me several times he thinks he is a narcissist & all he cares about is being right. He gaslights me & I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him. We haven’t spoken in a few weeks. It’s very sad, because all I’ve ever wanted was to have a positive relationship with my son.

@adelai3795

Жыл бұрын

Hi ma’am. If I might recommend “how does someone become a narssisct by Dr. Ramini. It helped me both understand my own tendencies and relate to my mother in a more nuanced way.

I asked my brother if he knew he was a chronic narcissist and he said with the biggest grin saying he knew he is and very proud of it! He's caused so much chaos, discord and wrecked the lives of!our family, ex wives and most unfortunately his children. From that moment, I knew I had to completely severe our relationship with him including his children for the sake of my sanity and my family's. Had to realize he couldn't love me more than his children yet he is perfectly ok with ruining his children's lives. They know exactly what they are doing and what they are. They honestly are demons in human form

My Narcs husband for over 30 years was clueless to his disjunction! I’m out running for my life. He told me that no one can stop him! Get house. I left my home, but guess what friends, IT SAVED MY LIFE! I’m out at 60 and will start all over, I’m happy, I’m joyful and able to worship my God the way I’m supposed to. I’m soo excited about my new love of my journey and the future of my business. YEAH Run for your life, I DID! There life after this relationship! I’m in therapy I hike, I travel I love people, I’m living for the first time in a very very long time. I would shrink so he’s comfortable, I was an enabler! Stepping on me all the way! Shame on me! Life is a beautiful journey and I’m all for it.

I think they know they are broken, think they are still better than others and that creates crisises in their heads making them dive deeper into narcissism. For my own self interest, I just stay away from them.

@deebrown1688

2 жыл бұрын

I can agree with that too

@ChrisCox-xl1fm

17 күн бұрын

Smart

@ChrisCox-xl1fm

17 күн бұрын

There is no fixing them, and even if you could its not your job to do so. I think personally they choose to be the way they are. I'm not fixing to stick around and tolerate abuse at the expense of my health to make them feel they are more than what they actually are.

Hi Dr Ramani,. YES, they know they are narcissists. I totally believe that!

" I am in a relationship with a world class ass" This woman is my hero

I like that you broke it down into groups because you often hear that narcissism is a spectrum and by making these categories you defined the points on that spectrum. Some sort of graph or chart would really put this into visual perspective. The better you know who and what you're dealing with the easier its to prepare yourself, but still these relationships will never truly be easy.

@purvamandlik4696

2 жыл бұрын

So right! I need a visual too. Maybe descriptive names to these groups would also help.

@purvamandlik4696

2 жыл бұрын

Short summary of the groups based on insight level and behaviour range. Group 1: some insight, proud of their behaviour, rigid, grandiose. Never call out. Group 2: some insight, shame and anger cycle. May try to change, may slip back. Most difficult to leave due to the cognitive dissonance they cause. Group 3: no insight, angry, sociopathy, more risky, dangerous to call out, no hope for change. Group 4: no insight, not angry, but don't get why people reject them. Emotional famine, don't care, not likely to change.

@brimstone33

2 жыл бұрын

@@purvamandlik4696 OK Group 1 - Aware/apathetic Group 2 - Aware/conscientious Group 3 - Unaware/oppositional Group 4 - Unaware/apathetic Did I get that right?

@matthewatwood207

2 жыл бұрын

I imagine, like most spectrums, it's a little more dynamic than that. A spectrum is closer to reality than a binary, but it's still oversimplifying. I.e. the autism "spectrum" and the political "spectrum." Spectrums allow people to continue the good/bad binary, just in a matter of degrees. So, the right wing can say that the left wing is all bad and vice verse, when the right is mostly narcissists and their enablers and the left's politicians calls the national guard on peaceful left wing protesters and continues most of the right wing's policies such as the patriot act, making democratic politicians the kind of narcissists that do performative "good," just so they look good. I.e, AOC doing a shift at a soup kitchen instead of confronting Texas Energy, Bernie Sanders doing his thing with a known race-baiter writing his speaches, Obama calling for hope and change and then filling his cabinet with bankers, and a whole bunch of dems appropriating an african scarf instead of confronting the white supremacy within the police force. In this way, the political "spectrum" actually helps hide the fact that narcissists are always clawing their way to power and obscures the fact that there are policies that both wings of this bird are ignoring for the sake of their campaign donors and lobbyists.

@janewild9150

2 жыл бұрын

So agree! I am always watching out..it’s fight or flight 24/7….

My ex wife would have occasional moments of clarity where she would realise that her behaviour was abusive and causing problems not only to those around her but to her own life too and the way people viewed her but those moments wouldn't last long she'd soon be back to her regular traits. I've been no contact with her for over 20 years now, I hear she hasn't changed.

@MrNikhilgherwar

2 жыл бұрын

Occasionally moments ..

@Jess-kn8vl

2 жыл бұрын

Sometimes I get lonesome for the narcs and I ask myself a couple questions and then Im like nope nope nope I dont miss that! No thank you!

@Nancy-yw1rr

2 жыл бұрын

My ex had moments of clarity about himself, but he would always later deny that he had admitted it to me. Gaslighting!

@CreoleSpirit1800

2 жыл бұрын

No contact is really the only way to go and I hope most people can do it. These narcs are dangerous...it is heartbreaking the harm that they do. I am not contact with my mom and she still scares the hell out of me. The gaslighting alone literally makes me ill.

@Nancy-yw1rr

2 жыл бұрын

@Brian G Narcissists avoid vulnerability like the plague. I'm guessing she recognized that confessing her true thoughts to you would make her vulnerable. I know my ex viewed vulnerability as weakness. I think they believe others will pounce on them and try to gain power over them (as they themselves would do) if they show any real humanity. That's why they'd rather leave a relationship than open up. It's so pathetic that they see others this way.

I am deeply grateful you made this video. I was so confused about my ex, and I now realize it's because he's in category four. I can feel the confusion and self-doubt slowly melting away and my confidence coming back.

I love how passionate but at the same time irritated dr. Ramani is when talking about a Narcissist.. the facial expressions say it all! I really look up to her, I enjoy and learn from her videos.. excellent work!

My ex was group 3. It’s ridiculous how he didn’t see that his behaviour was wrong. At first I thought we see life differently and he was just raised without basic morals. Only to realise he is narcissistic. No time for self reflection or empathy.

@littleclay1838

2 жыл бұрын

That's what I thought, until I noticed the deliberate anger, the deliberate petty battles he would start.

MY late husband was a group 4. He would stare at me when I called him out, totally stunned that I could have a problem with him, as he was such a great guy, or he would have this smirk as if he thought I was over reacting, emotional and irrational and then one starts to doubt yourself. As I started to withdraw from him, he was constantly trying new things to draw me back but if it worked, it only worked once and then I was clued up and would not fall for it again. It got more extreme until he committed suicide, leaving me a super spiteful letter and probably very sure I would pine and blame myself for the rest of my life. But ti did and do not and just walked away without shedding a tear, sounds heartless but he played this threatening suiced game with all his family, they were not surprised and I refused to feel responsible for his decisions

@Ann-qh3kb

2 жыл бұрын

Your NOT responsible for their actions! God bless you!

@douglaswilliams4274

2 жыл бұрын

That smirk shows that they are enjoying what they are doing.

@drewbabydrew7742

Жыл бұрын

Great good on you my daughter is going thru hell at the moment ,I'm glad you shed no tear .Pat on the back for you

@KaliKali-hv9bt

Жыл бұрын

Good for you!!!! He played himself.

Regarding social processing deficits and narcissism: I'm autistic, and I know a lot of other autistic people--only a couple of whom are narcissists. Thing is, we're socially clueless--but once we figure out what other people are thinking and feeling, we care about it. And we're interested in figuring it out, too. This is the difference between myself (diagnosed autistic) and my mother (probably also autistic, and probably narcissistic, but will not seek help). She's clueless, but she doesn't care to find out. Whereas, I'm clueless too, but if I accidentally insult somebody, and realize it, I'll go over and over it figuring out what I did wrong and how to do it right next time. My closest friends have all been recruited to tell me when I do something that annoys people, or might even be hurtful, and promised to tell me and explain what needs to change. But my mom... she's twice my age, but she's learned maybe a tenth of what I've learned about people and about how to communicate and understand and get along and help others and generally be decent. It's not that her likely autism is more severe than mine, either. She can live on her own and hold a job and drive; I can't do any of those. Over the past few years, I've had to come to terms with the fact that it's best for me to keep away from her, to have my sister as my power of attorney if I'm incapacitated, to live several states away. She's dangerous, not because she's actively malignant, but because she doesn't know, and doesn't care that she doesn't know. She's very unlike the other autistic people I know, who have perfectly good consciences and care very much about not hurting others. Some even live with social anxiety disorder because they're so afraid of hurting somebody. Anyway, point being, autism and narcissism can happen together, but they usually don't. If anything, autistic folks like me are more vulnerable to narcissists, especially ones with good social skills, because they often become skilled in bullying and manipulation. Growing up, my mom insisted I was the family problem, even when she married guys who were outright abusive. Turns out that when you leave home, and get away from the narcissist, and get some therapy, you find out that maybe you're just an average person doing your best, and your mom liked to blame things on you because it was easier than learning to change. And, hoo boy, if they're Autism Moms (tm), and puffing themselves up to look all heroic just because they're raising an autistic child and it's So Hard and they're So Self-Sacrificing... all the while they abuse the autistic child, often by doing things they know is painful to the child (mine used to stuff me into wool sweaters, which feel like wearing a swarm of stinging bees, and then blame my resulting meltdowns on "being strong willed")... well, that's a lost cause. People who use their kid's disability to come off as wonderful saints to the rest of the world, while neglecting or abusing their kid behind closed doors, are the scourge of the autism community.

@2bouha

2 жыл бұрын

i feel so much grief reading this im so tired at 31 and no change at horizon, relate so much..live with her still and now even pregnant, with a (potential narc/autist) im too broke for proper good therapy and cant work cause im hypersensitive, i beat myself up for al the failuers so far..

@dax5791

Жыл бұрын

@@2bouha I'm so sorry :( It sucks to be stuck with them, especially when you have a disability. I'm very lucky to have gotten out. Please don't give up on getting your own place. Apply for disability if you haven't. If it's really bad, talk to adult protective services and ask for help.

@Sophist-kj8ld

Жыл бұрын

@@2bouha please don't give up. I understand what it's like to feel hopelessly trapped living with a narcissist and to have the abuse crush your mind and spirit. When I couldn't handle it anymore, I left and managed to find an apartment. The healing will take a long time, but it's possible. I don't know what your exact situation is like - you are the person who knows the best decision to make - but I know that when you start making choices for yourself, you take back your life for yourself (and in this case, you set a foundation for a better life for your child). Sending you love and prayers ❤🙏

@kathleenmazzola7808

Жыл бұрын

Dax, you are amazing, and, a wonderful writer. I wish you the best. How wise you are that you made your sister your power of attorney. Thrive dear one, you obviously have talent.

I really needed this. My older sister is in the category where it feels like she's a middle aged teenager, more like a tween in her case. I am currently in no contact. I am going to work on letting go of the idea that she will come to her senses and change. I am so greatful for your content. Thank you!

I was originally going to say ‘no they don’t know and can’t admit it cuz that would mean there’s something wrong with them”. After watching this I see that there’s so much more to it! Thank you

@goshi132

2 жыл бұрын

😒😎😁😜😢 The ones who are at the receiving end.

@cc1k435

2 жыл бұрын

They know, and don't ever seem to want to do anything about it.

@jfdc8432

2 жыл бұрын

@@cc1k435 apparently you didn't watch the video - it's not as simple as that

Saved this one! What a great resource! It’s hard to believe and admit that your loved one is a narcissist when they do not present as a flaming, mean, malignant, grandiose narcissist. I am divorcing my “group 4” covert /vulnerable narcissist as I write this. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know the narcissism has its origins in attachment trauma and childhood neglect. I am a counselor-In-training myself. I have a lot of compassion and understanding for my husband. And, he can’t or won’t see that there is anything wrong with his behavior so it never changes. The back and forth from seemingly kind and self aware to entitled and blaming is exhausting. It is toxic and it is abusive-whether he is aware of what he is doing or not. After trying radical acceptance and managing my expectations for 2 years I’ve discovered the emotional, mental and spiritual energy that requires is more than I am willing to spend. I’m grieving and I’m moving on. Thank you Dr. R. 💕 Your books, videos and webinars have been catalytic in my recovery and I’m so very grateful that you put out so much content for free!

@shnooklefritzer

2 жыл бұрын

Wishing you all the best. I am am planning my path to freedom. My son is 16 and the decision to leave is so difficult to act upon. I am in trauma therapy and have regained my body and soul. Still working on getting hold of my confidence and sense of self. I was nearly eaten alive in this marriage.

@lizp5449

2 жыл бұрын

You have complete compassion from me and I'm sure from all of us,who have tried to understand and make the relationship work

@kmanderson266

2 жыл бұрын

@@lizp5449 thanks. I filed for divorce on Friday. Good Friday, as it turns out. I didn’t plan it that way but as a person of faith it turns out to be a very meaningful “accident.” 💕

@mystrength5640

2 жыл бұрын

@@kmanderson266 I so miss my our Christian Friends/ Who we used to socialize with regularly! We only see his Flying monkeys now.. I have little in common with them…and I don’t give them personal information….! My Narc/ Has turned his Back on God about 5 years ago… ! Obviously COVID also had a big impact on this.. I pray you are happy in your Future! Jenny 🙏🏻💕🌸

They definitely know, many won’t admit it. I’ve seen my toxic father act correctly with people he respected, even with complete strangers. He chooses to behave horribly with me.

@joanferguson4194

2 жыл бұрын

Had the same experience with a malignant narcissist. Realized too late what he was as he had several excellent people as friends and these were the only people I met. He acted like a saint around them and they thought he was a great guy. They never saw the actual side of him that we lived with, the bizarre temper tantrums, the smirking insults, the psychotic rage reactions. When I left him other people told me they actually knew him for what he was, a sick and dangerous man.

I was with a Group 2 Narcissist. Hence it took me 6years to finally come out of it. He used to apologize and pretend to realize and change but fell back again and again. This back and forth behavior was so exhausting and also the reason why it confused me. Always tried to convince myself that he was nice since he did this and that for me whenever he raged on me! I kept on debating in my head if he was a kind apologetic person or the monster who abused me! Even now after break-up, I keep getting these flashbacks of his "nice" behaviors and then question myself why he becomes the aggressive monster next moment. Thank you Dr.Ramani for clearing the doubt in me. Today I survived that ugly, depressing relationship (or prison) only because of your videos!! I'm so much in peace without that piece of #@&t in my life! I'm trying my best to heal from it now and taking care of myself 🙏🏽

I think they know and that is why they choose to gaslight and lie all the time. Cause if they flat out told you what they know to be true, you would be out the door in less than a minute.

A good question that I've been asking for a while. It's always being projected back on me and causes me to question my own reality when I KNOW what I've heard, seen, felt, and treatment received. This is an exhausting battle that I've given up trying to figure out, but rather have finally been able to focus on my own healing and what I can control....which is my own actions and reactions.

@kmanderson266

2 жыл бұрын

Anytime you are questioning your own reality as a result of a narcissists words or actions towards you, you are experiencing gaslighting. It is a form of emotional abuse. Good for you for choosing to care for yourself and work on healing.

@brimstone33

2 жыл бұрын

Sometimes the only winning move is to not play the game.

@Mea_Davis

2 жыл бұрын

@@brimstone33 Exactly 💯

@Mea_Davis

2 жыл бұрын

@@kmanderson266 Very true. Thank you for your response. It's truly exhausting. After 5 years of marriage I finally filed for divorce (almost 8 years together).

@Mea_Davis

2 жыл бұрын

@Tino thank you so much!

My Father & Mother uses to do this all of the time, according to them, and their Behaviors, I was way less than a Perfect individual, so as a result they threw Me out of their House at the early age of 15 and I have had to try very hard to develop Good Survival Skills In order to Servive right up until now, and also for my own Future.

Years ago I had a dear friend who tested extremely high on a vocational narcissism scale, which he shared with me, so he knew. Yet he wanted and worked very hard not to be harmful in any way to others; in fact he bestowed (note the word choice) kindness, generosity, sympathy, appreciation, and a great deal of charm, to all around, having learned by rote (like some autistics) how to "read" other people and mostly please them, though not always successfully, which would then confuse him. He was very well liked, highly respected, and even loved by many, despite his inability to actually empathize. He responded well when I would suggest to him that he "turn around" his perceptions, to picture himself in another's position, in order to comprehend to some degree the other's feelings, and so with difficulty he did learn some empathy, little by little over many years. He would often do very inconsiderate things without realizing that he was being inconsiderate, and was startled when they were pointed out to him, however gently. It seemed to be rooted simply in that for him he was the center of all things. There was never any rage or hostility. He did need a great deal of validation, which he won pretty naturally, and was very competitive, not liking to feel that he was found lacking in any way. He's the only narcissist I ever knew I would ever have wasted my time on, let alone my feelings.

Dr. Ramani, In case you somehow don't realize this, you're saving lives with these videos you make. Your knowledge and insight just flow from you, and it's simply amazing that you can be so in touch with this subject. Thank you so much for sharing your gift!

@BlinkinFirefly

Жыл бұрын

I enthusiastically second this!!

My father was a narcissist. He's been gone for 21 years and I'm still reeling. I can't seem to get my feet under myself.

@fashionandluxury101

Жыл бұрын

I feel the same way

@MrTwinkieeater

Жыл бұрын

If you find it difficult to work on your mind, get work done on your body. Go get massages. The trauma is in you. Focus on your breathing while being worked on. It's likely your mind will replay everything and that's okay. Just breathe. If you can find someone that does sound therapy and essential oils, cupping, etc. Go see them. They get it even if you don't. Your body is twisted up. Likely in your neck, shoulders, and hips. There are many ways you can release it. Salutogenic.

@lisarendine9791

Жыл бұрын

@@MrTwinkieeater I'll look into it, thank you

@MrTwinkieeater

Жыл бұрын

@@lisarendine9791 you're welcome. I suggest "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kalk. Dr. Ramini has a video on that/him as well.

@lisarendine9791

Жыл бұрын

@@MrTwinkieeater thank you, I'll look that up. Peace.

Thank you Dr. Ramani for this puzzle piece. I married a #4. Raised by a malignant Covert narcissist mother. At age 73 I Started my learning about these crimes against me via internet. The first 6 months I documented 300 hours of learning. That was 3 years ago. I continue to learn and heal. It is as though they took explicit joy in my suffering and loss of my children, my health, housing, money, friends and possesions.

Nodding my head through the whole description of group four. I've seen what damage a person of that group can do. Their lack of understanding of what they do wrong is what can get them sympathy and endless new chances because people around them think they should just try harder in explaining things to them. But luckily I've also seen how people who know more about toxic behaviors can come to a point where they stop giving chances.

Narcissist or Not...I do Not let Anyone that is abusive, toxic, manipulating, negative, dark, callous, in my space, or my Life!.. There are so many of these wicked, dark people among us...I am an empath, somewhat introverted, peaceful...and spiritual not religious!...I meditate, pray, exercise moderately, eat a flexible vegetarian way of eating...maintain good mental, physical, emotional health... after my divorce years ago, I made the conscious decision to not marry again!...Having great, married, hardworking, grown children..I enjoy living a single, healthy, debt free, spiritual, simple, peaceful Life!

@MellowJelly

2 жыл бұрын

its so much better to be solitary and just have a few trusted friends

Im married to #3! Took me 20+ years to realize he was a narcissist….. im 90% healed and am not feeding into his bs anymore. He hates it but Im standing my ground and it feeeelssss sooooooo good! Thank you Dr Ramani! ❤

@candice-c-w

Жыл бұрын

I'm also married to #3. Please share what has helped you. Thank you.

@IvanGorokhov80

Жыл бұрын

Do you still live with him? Why?

@candice-c-w

Жыл бұрын

@@IvanGorokhov80 I do. I am in therapy and have reached out for support from a domestic violence agency. I am finally getting the support I need. It is hard to sum up "why", because there are so many layers. It is a multi faceted answer.

@TYLER-jz6uv

Жыл бұрын

Wow !! Your lucky !!

Good clear answer. Unfortunately I know a family like this, they really are quite unaware of their behaviour, have money, destroy cars, have a history of drugs and alcohol abuse, instil similar behaviour in the now grown children, need constant validation from an audience of employees and fans, have bad reputations, and in older age end up alone and destroy themselves. Distance yourself people. I have few friends but the ones I have are caring and enjoyable to be around thank goodness.

THAT is where I was.."strange roommate" and servant. I accepted this position in life for most of my life that it almost killed me. Starting with my father and family, i have always been the whipping post for THEIR NARCISSISM.

@beverlytaylor1745

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Wendy! Did you ever get free? I'm 64 and this has been lifelong. I'm still 'in' but looking for escape conditions. What a stage of life to have to start over! I believe I owe it to myself to take my life back for whatever time I have left. Disabled and broke, I'm going for it! I certainly hope the best for you.🥧☕

I've known a few narcissists, some know and some don't, but they all share unacceptable and cruel personality traits. I believe in the spectrum and I like the way you've broken down these 4 groups Dr. Ramini. It really helps to understand narcissists better and to avoid them!

My ex husband used to yell at me for "caring about other people".. he kept saying.. Why do you care???? that was his favorite reply to everything i said.

Oh good Lord. Four minutes in to the video and I'm laughing and crying simultaneously in utter disbelief and total resonence and recognition about your words. 1.5 years into a divorce 'It' asked for, £60k worse off from legal bills It dragged me into spending by constantly summoning me to court (the last court case I self litigated and the magistrates agreed with the case I presented over the one It presented... I've never seen such hatred, contempt, malevolence and pure dark Death as when It looked at me in court), and this is the first video I've watched on narcissism that completely describes It, and how It thinks/acts, so succinctly, in four minutes. I'm flabbergasted that you know, Dr R. And overwhelmed with gratitude that you DO know, and are educating others in the most dangerous, horrendous, hostile, malignant, menacing, damaging form of narcissism. I would never have got out from the marriage with It had It not discarded me in dramatic fashion. The process has been and is extremely challenging and exhausting, but it's also given me freedom and a chance to rediscover who I might once have been, before the 15 years of Marriage to It chiseled away my personality from the psychological abuse. I'm having therapy (police recommended) for PTSD, and ongoing weekly psychotherapy too, and know I'll be ok because by HECK it's made me grow resilience and robustness in swathes. I'm rubbish at recognising goodness in myself as I honestly thought I was a pointless waste of space, but now I'm starting to believe that by standing up to the bully in court, by setting extremely strict boundaries with It, by refusing to engage in Its pathetic warped manipulative games, by doing grey rock treatment and ignoring It as much as possible (we have two children aged 15 and 13 so I can't go no contact unfortunately), and by waiting patiently for It to be the master of It's own destiny and destroy Itself slowly (think the parable of the snake and the saw), I'll get through this and actually be OK. I'm not sure whether It is Group 1, 3 or 4 as It fits all 3 profiles... but hey ho. I suppose it doesn't matter as It has less hold on me now and I'll build on recovering from trauma bonding regardless of whether and in spite of It being 1, 3 or 4 😀 Your videos and advice and insights are tremendously incredibly helpful and confidence boosting and comforting. Thank you for your time and care and generosity and practical, wholesome guidance 🙏 ❤ 💕

Does anyone else worry that they are not only the a-hole, but also the narc?! I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. And now that I'm gone, I am angry. A lot. And I am just having a harder time being kind, keeping my temper... People, if you know the relationship is unhealthy, please get out. I believe the crap may be catchy.

My narcissistic ex would often refer to himself as “difficult” (but in a way, that we all just have to deal with it as if it was his prerogative). But only after he discarded me, in one of the most diabolical ways you could imagine, I realized he had zero self-awareness; He saw nothing wrong with his actions and the fact that he crashed down my life seemed like no big deal, at all.

@tinajones5548

2 жыл бұрын

Same with me, unbelievable behaviour post discard. Temper tantrum X 1000. Hope you're doing well....

@spacegirl226

2 жыл бұрын

My ex husband too. Exactly. Bless your heart. I hope you are healing well.

@truthsocialmedia

2 жыл бұрын

If you are an attractive woman, you chose that guy. you have no one to blame but yourself. unless children are involved, hearing women complain about narcissism is like the pot calling the kettle black. women initiate 80% of divorces, which alienates fathers from there children. that is a narc move in and of itself. Also true narcissists seem to lack self awareness, if someone is aware they are difficult, that shows some self-awareness.

@lorettanericcio-bohlman567

2 жыл бұрын

Powerful springs, “if you are an attractive woman”, WHAT?? Your lack of knowledge on this subject is painful

@truthsocialmedia

2 жыл бұрын

@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 women decide sexual access. men determine who he will have relationships with. attractive women have many men who will want to be sexual with her, she chooses what man she will have. I think you don't understand how gender dynamics works. if this is unflattering to you, my appologies. maybe you should re-watch sex and the city. give me an alternate theory on gener dynamics and social media, i will be waiting.

Threats, yelling and domination. I would add: name calling and belittling.

@oscarwilliamson6163

Жыл бұрын

Bella Tindale,You look cute,Hope you are not with a narcissist....

My narcissistic ex was willing to entertain the idea that he might have a problem just because discussing it made him the guaranteed center of attention. Im convinced he loved couples therapy for the same reason. It didn't hurt his feelings that our therapists were concerned about his bad behavior toward me. Attention, no matter how negative, thrilled him.

I think people want to know the answer to the question because they want to know if the way they're being treated is intentional and done consciously or if the narc cannot control themselves. The person experiencing the narc is still looking for an out for the narc. Because if they cannot help it, then its not their fault. If its conscious then the victim can help them through this because that's how a normal person that can experience selfless love would think. The answer is probably it just doesn't matter because the narc is going to continue to abuse and the only healthy response to abuse is to end it.

@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723

2 жыл бұрын

It helped me to define me, and be honest with myself. They are them, they ill effect me, and I don’t want to be ill from a “loving”, relationship. That’s an oxymoron to me. I was self aware and self reflective towards growth. They are not. That is a recipe I don’t like.

@dorothy792

2 жыл бұрын

Very true.

@IThink2Much

2 жыл бұрын

I've had more than my fair share of narcissists in my life. And I've either gotten them out of my life or learned to shut them down and minimize their impact if I can't cut them out completely because I refuse to live with that chaos any longer. But I'm still interested in why people do the things they do and if they are aware of what they're doing. It helps me process it and see things through their eyes. It also helps me understand them better so I know how to deal with them better.

@nawrasbalkan6911

2 жыл бұрын

Oh regardless of the type...they know what are they doing, always...coz they change thier attitude n behaviour if they know they are watched or can be caught and punished, or there is a deal to close....having control on their selves when there is someone stronger thsn them or a higher narc than them it all shows that they know what are they doing...so bottom line they hurt u on purpose coz they can n know will get away with it..to exert control....and that u will take thier shit..they know

I call Narcs out all the time. It’s healing and therapeutic. It also stops the Narc with their antagonistic, abusive and destructive behaviour. They won’t want to feel and shame and humiliation. So they stop the Narc behaviour in my presence. Whether they stop it altogether is another matter. But I know when they are dealing with me, they don’t care to showcase those traits I have called them out on. Because I will beat their ego to a pulp and they will not have a leg to stand on once I am done with them.

I truly believe that the person in my family my direct sibling knows when they’re being nasty, controlling, and not playing well with others… They even apologize to it but then it never changes it’s always the same and you end up being frustrated and walk away because you don’t want to have to deal with their conflict or their control

Ramani, you spoke to 50,000 people in one day. Thank you for all of your good hard work. 💕💕💕💕✨🌈

Group 3 is exactly where the x sits. I only understood after over three decades of misery. I left him with the full support and assistance from all the children. His lack of self awareness is staggering. The judge ordered him to get into a program for abusive men before he could file for reunification with our youngest daughter, but he refused to comply: prime example of him believing EVERYONE is wrong (judge, GAL, therapist, witnesses) except him. Three years have passed and she's no longer a minor. He has no chance now. All the children are adults now and want nothing to do with him. He will die alone.

We all place somewhere on the scale for narcissism, and I am aware when I am being cold, too intellectual, not emotionally responsive, etc. and then I DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT *smile* cos I love my family and friends, and I then choose to be warm, open-hearted, sensitive, caring and supportive

@oscarwilliamson6163

Жыл бұрын

L Stewart,You are beautiful,Hope you are not with a narcissist....

In my personal experience, once I figured it out and said "No, this IS you, and I know that now" they admitted to it all (FOR THE FIRST TIME), and that was almost 8 years later.

I think they think they are being "judged" for ruining peoples lives and its other people's fault for not forgiving them. (Even though they never quit their antics)

@trainerkarin1

2 жыл бұрын

YES

Some people just can't leave other people alone. They're that desperate for attention.

Hi Dr Ramani. My best friend since childhood was a narcissist . Long story short after 20 years of friendship I couldnt take her you know what and had to cut her out of my life for good. Sixteen years later she calls me out of the blue and we go to lunch. I thought she would have changed by now. But no she was exactly the same person even worse. Your right these people do not change .

In my opinion, narcissists cannot know they're narcissists. To know they're narcissists takes self-reflection ... in which they have none.

Raised by two of them and pretty sure neither one cared.

My narcissist is 55, but he acts like a 2 year old and will never admit to doing anything wrong. Expects the slate to be wiped clean every time he does something unforgivable.

@purplephonefan

2 жыл бұрын

I can relate to that, friend. My narcissist is my father, and he's 51, but he acts like a child, and blames everyone but himself. He blames his own children, and victimised himself. I hope you are doing better now, friend!

Thanks Dr Ramani for another eye opening video. To my experience, group 4 can be the most confusing group, you said it very well: they seem so clueless that one could just miss them as socially or emotionally underdeveloped. But to me, the differentiating factor is their self-centre ness, self-praise, self-defensiveness, and lack of responsibility even when they are repeatedly being told about their wrong behaviour.

I'm a female diagnosed in my late twenties with autism, and it's decently common knowledge in our circles that female autists are extremely likely to be misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is one of the most damaging thing that can be done to us. I'm starting to notice a very worrying and troubling pattern of male autists being misdiagnosed as Narcissists, albeit unofficially as it's usually just their peers saying such. The more recent research coming suggests autism is caused by the pregnant woman being "under distress" during her pregnancy, which suggests many autistic children have narcissistic parents. I think this topic is extremely important and I hope one day more is discussed.

One of my close friends got the diagnose years ago. She knows she’s narcissistic but she doesn’t want to be. She has full insight but when she’s in stress/severely emotional the traits come up.

Answer: yes. They know. This is a somewhat infantile question. You don’t go to great lengths to cunningly conceal something if you “don’t know you’re doing it.” These people are predators. They are a cancer.

@IThink2Much

2 жыл бұрын

Watch the video before you call it an "infantile question". All narcissists aren't your narcissist. They aren't all DELIBERATE aholes. Some of them are not even aware that they're aholes.

@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470

2 жыл бұрын

@@IThink2Much Don't apologize for them. They are all the same.

@IThink2Much

2 жыл бұрын

@@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470 lol... not apologizing. I just have had the misfortune to have had several narcissists in my life. Some of them knew they were aholes, some of them didn't understand why people thought they were aholes. It didn't make them NOT aholes. It just made them not self-aware aholes.

@IThink2Much

2 жыл бұрын

@@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470 And my sister is one of them. She honestly is clueless that she can be the biggest b**ch sometimes. But she isn't the most destructive narcissist I've been around. I can handle her in small doses and still love her, but I wouldn't live with her if you paid me.

@IThink2Much

2 жыл бұрын

@@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470 And also.... it's never a good idea to generalize about any group of people. Sure...a lot of them may be just what you say they are. But there are those who may not be completely lost and who may want to be better people if they ever realize what it is they've been doing. You can't take your personal experiences with just the narcissists you know and say that all narcissists are the same. That is the beginning of a whole other issue.

Thank you Dr. Ramani for continuing to educate us which gives us the tools to believe in our own worth, and value our own emotions. Understanding what's happening is the best defense ❤️

@joycetwilson3897

Жыл бұрын

Thank u doctor were can i find a good narc. Divorce lawyer at live i califorina

Thank you for your insights and support. They are an ongoing source of strength and growth for me. Thank you!

Minute 12 describes my entire relationship in my 20s. It made me feel crazy. It didn't just break my heart, it broke my soul.

Yes. My Dad does and I’m trying to learn to not be like them. I knew I grew up with no self esteem and thought I deserved abuse, I have been trying to unlearn it.I became avoidant . I had no idea “ get over yourself” is a narcissistic statement. I haven’t said it but all mine have said it to mine. I hide but find I go into control sometimes when I’m unaware that I don’t have to control everything. I know my Dad won’t change. The cognitive dissonance is so hard, I just need to unlearn everything as I want respect and to be respectful. People have never called me a narcissist, I go suicidal very quickly or go into psychosis and am afraid to leave the house. I won’t be in a relationship until I’m sure I can maintain respect towards others and myself. I have to unlearn the bad behavior and I’m not sure sometimes what is bad and what is okay. Especially socially. I found a letter from 4th grade where I was asking a teacher how to interact with the other kids. I have insight and am actually okay until I get triggered. My Dad only lies to his therapist and is terrifying to me. Can’t leave until I’ve unlearned and have people so I can do reality checks with them. The self sabotage is my hardest battle as Ihave to remind myself Iam not a monster for being human. I truly care about people when I’m not in fight/flight/ freeze or fawning mode. I found myself acting so strange when I tried to go back to school, then my friend gave me a list of what to look for to see if a child is reacting to abuse. I have a good soul, I know that it is only when I disassociate that I go into the terror and feel like I’m age 4. I believe the unaware ones really are in psychosis. I am the one who struggles with “ I don’t understand why that is wrong” Im glad to get learning to stop it as I had two malignant parents. Mom knew as she laughed and said it was amazing I was not a psychopath from the treatment. I have been the child on my hand and knees begging my Dad to please but now Iunderstand he has no understanding of cruelty. I am upwrsonalizing it, I told people not to get close to me as I was terrified of hurting others or getting hurt again. I keep telling myself there is hope as I’ve been trying to get help since age 4 and truly wanted to understand healthy human interaction.

@fetijajasari9522

2 жыл бұрын

Don't wait too long to leave, it eats you. Every interaction with your parents causes you to fall back into patterns you don't like or are not good for you at all. This costs too much energy you could better put into your own healing. If you can find a place of your own, minimize the contact to your parents or go no contact, find therapy to heal, to sort out what is really yours and what is your parent's and to stabilize your. As you become more and more you friends will come. It is a developing process, on the go, and you need your energy for you! Do you have positive contacts with aunts/uncles /other family members/friends/teachers...... ? Don't hesitate to ask for help, you are worth it now! Praying for you! 🙌🏾🙏🙌🏾🙏

*Group 1- hopeless case:* knows, don't care, is proud of it even, no therapy wanted *Group 2- exhausting case:* could realise, might try therapy, likely to relapse continuously *Group 3- hopeless+dangerous case:* ragely denies, no therapy possible *Group 4- Oblivious case:* denies, no therapy possible

@lauratruthseekingWarrior

Жыл бұрын

I think my husband ranges between #1 and #3 Narcissist because he has bi polar and a huge ego.won’t stay on his meds that actually work for his bi polar meltdowns.

My mother is #3 absolutely! I told her she's a narc, her 3 friends from college together told her and instead of asking why would my daughter and 3 closest friends say that she was pissed off, we're all making it up, for what? and she's a counselor, all she ever talks about is how much her clients love her 🙄. For the last 25 yrs we all thought she was a psychotherapist until my sister found out she doesn't have enough credits. I finally cut her off a little over 2 yrs ago, we just started speaking again, occasionally, and she tries to act like she's changed but she's not that good of an actress Idk how long this will last.

Thanks for this topic today! As I was getting ready for the day, my mind wandered to past relationships (and likely present one). I was trying to figure out which "type " of narcissists I was entangled with. Finishing my morning routine, I wondered what you have to teach us today. And here is the answer to my question! You've educated and empowered me, as well as many others. Your mission matters and DOES make a difference. With gratitude.......

My Narcissist wife told me I had this and other psychological problems. I got counselling. I was told I have mild depression from abuse. Then I sought information. Then I sent videos to my kids about covert narcissism. They said, you aren't like that Dad. Mom is. So some, Narcissists think they are victims. My wife does for sure.

Thank you for helping me understand and see through the chaos that surrounds me and to let it go. God bless you Dr. Ramani ❤

Group four describes my husband exactly. Laughs in my face then walks when I'm crying, but he is very hostile and passive aggressive too.

#2 is my EXACT situation. It's like you are a fly on the wall. Thanks for all of these wonderful videos and thanks for not shaming those who stay in the relationship. Everyone has their reasons and 'no contact' isn't the best solution for every situation.

@jlesliebark8610

2 жыл бұрын

I’m a #2 and my boyfriend stays. Know that you are doing tremendous work because I know how hard it is on him and I thank him everyday for sticking around. Have faith in your partner and just keep trying to understand them ❤️

@ty_1927

2 жыл бұрын

Hi my boyfriend is #2 too, but he's a cheater, even though i know it's not about love. Part of me want to still be with him to get him out of this mental disorder. But part of me just don't think his self awareness of being a narc and that he needs to change can last long.... What would you do in this situation?

@zerpblerd5966

2 жыл бұрын

@@ty_1927 you must be aware of your own health first, if you are able to maintain good mental health and genuinely care, take courage and go into your caring with pure desire to help, and ask if he wants to get better if you feel a genuine yes, ask if he's willing to do work and realize that trying and wanting are NOT doing the work, and it will take work

The vulnerable narc I was with for a long time acknowledged he was "a bad person" at times (though this may have been an emotional manipulation to get me to disagree with that) but I don't think he realized he was a narcissist. (He did see a physiatrist for depression, and some of the meds thrown at him indicated the doc might have known there was a huge problem, but I don't know for sure because no Dx was ever shared with me.) There were times I was sobbing and begging him to stop belittling and arguing with me for awhile and he coldly said I was being pouty and should just go to my mom's until I could calm down. Ugh. Anyway, difficult to know if he was aware of the depths of it. I certainly wasn't until I got out of it and started researching these behavior patterns.

@greentooth3097

2 жыл бұрын

@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 Yes exactly. 'Vulnerable' narcs should be called 'victim' narcissists

@RoseThePhoenix

2 жыл бұрын

I'm just... using Dr Ramani's term for them. Not really interested in quibbling about the terminology.

@katieandnick4113

2 жыл бұрын

He doesn’t sound like a narcissist. Sounds dismissive avoidant, which is an insecure attachment style, and can be easily confused with vulnerable narcissism. Narcissists, however, have anxious attachment styles, and the only time they end relationships is when they are with a borderline. A dismissive avoidant will end relationships with great women very easily, usually within 3 months. And a narcissist would not see a psychiatrist unless their psychopathic female partner made them go. Dismissive avoidants may see a psychiatrist on their own, especially if they have a supportive parent or partner. Another key difference between a DA and a VN is that the DA will not call you mean names(I don’t consider “pouty” to be a slur), but a VN absolutely will. A DA will point out your flaws in the kindest way possible, but a VN will intentionally make you feel terrible about yourself. Perspective taking is super important in relationships. My husband used to be a DA, and over the course of our 14 year relationship, he’s become totally secure. I used to have a more anxious attachment style, which is very off putting to DAs, as they pride themselves on being independent, and they also do not want others depending on them emotionally. I think that a DA is far more likely to stay in relationships with a psychopath because she is typically very independent, so he won’t get scared off. She’s also super manipulative, and the DA will easily fall for it. But ultimately, he’s looking for someone who is caring, loving, and empathic, so he’d be destroyed by a psychopath. If he were to find himself in a relationship with a borderline, that would end almost before it even begins. The thing about DAs is that they are actually incredibly empathic, intelligent, intuitive men, and they can make amazing partners if their partner has the patience(and possibly, low enough self esteem at the time) to keep trying with them. Oh, and they’re grumpy too. I think this comes from their empathy, and the fact that most people nowadays are not happy, and that really has a huge impact on the DA.

@RoseThePhoenix

2 жыл бұрын

@@katieandnick4113 thanks for your analysis, but we were together for nearly a decade and he panicked every time I tried to end it. Also, like I said, he was in treatment for depression, and his only goal was to get her to cough up the meds he wanted. Maybe I know what I went through better than you do?

Yes. They know deep down they are broken inside. Sometimes they even tell you. And you say no!!

Iv got out of a relationship with a group 4 narcissist 5 months ago after catching him online with girls, he then threw me and my child out leaving us homeless because I confronted him! The healing process is terribly hard, my ex narc moved on straight away with someone new. Relationships with these kinds of people are the worst, they make you mentally and physically ill yet blame you for absolutely everything. No remorse, no empathy, no accountability, no love. I can’t wait for the day where all my pain and hurt goes so I can finally be happy again.

as soon as I call my wife toxic she goes into meltdown and behaves decently for a couple of weeks, but then eventually slips back. Dealing with this added element makes it even more exhausting, because instead of always having to deal with an argumentative selfrighteous narcissist you have to constantly second guess if they are currently Jekell or Hyde, ie empathic, caring, thoughtful, or the devil incarnate

@SpiritAnimal1212

2 жыл бұрын

So, why do you stay with her? You have agency to leave. If you stay, it’s because you’re making a conscious decision that you want to stay in this marriage with your narcissistic wife. I wish you much luck. You will need it.

@Iberotimuka

2 жыл бұрын

@@SpiritAnimal1212 I mulled over this for 24 hours before answering in an off the cuff or kneejerk manner. Frankly, putting everything on the scales, I love her, I met her when I was 42 and was quite happy alone until I met her, and would be quite happy alone if I hadn't met her, being introverted and independent and selfsufficient. Also because I believe in the sanctity of marriage and she is the only person who I find physically attractive or am interested in, and frankly I am too strong to allow her to break me or break me down. We have a 3 year old son and she is a good mother and we make a good family over all. I know she wouldn't leave me, she lives in a society and she has a Catholic background where marriage and financial status are important, cheating or divorce are frowned upon and she would lose much more than me if she did leave. You know what's funny, reading what I just wrote I sound much more conniving and manipulative than her, hahahaha

@SpiritAnimal1212

2 жыл бұрын

@@Iberotimuka the fact that you have a small child then explains it really. You want to try and give them a stable, cohesive family unit. As long as you’re aware of what she does and you’re able to recognize it straight away and deal with it in a healthy manner where it’s not affecting your self esteem and self worth and it’s not affecting the child’s, then stay.

@Iberotimuka

2 жыл бұрын

@@SpiritAnimal1212 exactly, thanks for that very apt summary. You know I don't find it hurts my selfesteem, in fact i find it amusing and actually quite interesting to watch, the only downside is you can get tired and react badly at times which is counterproductive.

@raptorman48

2 жыл бұрын

Even if she is a narcissist and then calling her toxoc to her face is mentally abusive also and two wrongs don't make it right just saying to put it bluntly and if things can't be worked around it's better to just separate even though it hurts deeply but at the end of the tunnel there is light but you might be scarred but it's better than living in hell!

Your channel has helped me understand a lot. Many things I can not change and so at least understanding them helps me feel like I am no longer crazy. Just finding videos that explained many things I was thinking but could not grasp.

thank you so much dr. Ramani , this was so informative, validating and comforting. this connected the dots for me, the gaslighting of group 3 and 4 combined gets to me and it spins my head before i settle.