Being raised by a toxic mother will cause someone to sympathize with villains.

@aliceinbrill

4 жыл бұрын

Ooo, that is such a good observation.

@misstidoy

4 жыл бұрын

yes. i ended up with a narc for 1 year :(

@jensbasement3862

3 жыл бұрын

You can say that again

@ABa-ve3ul

2 жыл бұрын

Or they get dismissive attachment style because they learn they can’t trust anyone

@tabithaaubuchon

Жыл бұрын

For that is love…

Did you know that the witches "(step-mothers)" in Rapunzel, White Snow were actually their mothers? The Grimm Brothers didn't want to scare the kids when it was the mother who treat their children like that. They knew very well that a lot of mothers were and are like this.

@falsehoodbasher7240

Жыл бұрын

Grimm brothers could never scare me They’d validate me. NM scared me. !

@HomeFromFarAway

11 ай бұрын

If you're still around I would LOVE a link to sources on the original tales!

My mother has played all five of us children against each other to her benefit. I am the youngest and always saw her for what she is and was never afraid to call her on it, which has made me the black sheep. None of my brothers and sisters will talk to me and this has hurt me for years. There is no fixing what has happened because this has been going on since childhood, I have learned to love myself and stay away from my mother as much as possible so she cannot spread her negative poison onto me. Know that it is the mother with the problem and not you.

@ChildofGod2890

Жыл бұрын

Same here.

@missraj9113

11 ай бұрын

Totally understand where you're coming from...you're not alone

My mother actively worked to destroy me from day one. She gossiped about me to people, called employers, wrecked my own family, alienated my kids, stalked me, emotionally battered me. I slowly, slowly have begun to heal only now, she died in 06. The worst thing about it was the absence of social awareness regarding this kind of abuse. Seeing videos like this go a long way to helping my healing process. Thank you.

@k.a.robbins5420

9 жыл бұрын

I hear you, I was nothing more than a pretty & talented little puppet, performing for her pleasure, as long as I said & did everything she desired, delighted and impressed other people with the things I could do, I was her golden girl, but the instant I dared to think independently, question her reasonings, and remotely resist her all controlling clutches... my mother just went to the local Welfare Dept. claimed I was a problem child & that she couldn't control me & the state gladly took me away and put me into all kinds of wonderful institutions from 12-17yrs old, where I was systematically abused in various ways, eventually raped repeatedly, and neglected until I nearly died. There was proof to the fact I was being abused and no one did anything, least of all her. When I tried to tell her what was happening to me she simply cut me off and ended our weekend visit 2hrs after it began, she was also so kind as to go & tell the monsters who where abusing me that I evidently needed more help b/c I was making up lies about them and trying to manipulate my way out of the childrens' home I had been stuck in for a yr and 3 months already. The only reason I got out of that place was b/c I went to the school nurse who had sent me home 3wks in a row b/c I was so sick with a "cold", but the caregiver refused to get me any medical help. Finally the last time they sent me to school I showed the school nurse I was peeing what looked like BLACK, THICK, coffee & told her I felt like I was going to die! Yup my kidney's were failing b/c I had double pneumonia, with plursey (fluid around the outside of my lungs from extreme irritation), not a cold. The "Christian" childrens' home I was in suddenly decided that I was magically cured of any behavioral problems I had been sent there for and they sent me home with mommy dearest as soon as I was released from the hospital. I was in the hospital 2 months and narrowly escaped long term Kidney dialysis. The childrens' home was a living nightmare, but being given back to her was worse... after all her DENIAL that I had ever been abused at all, one night she got so mad at me she turned on me and said, "no wonder you were being abused in that place, if you were half the worthless disappointing failure you are at home, you deserved it, no one else could be expected to put up with a reject like you!! So now I pray for her to just drop dead and finally have to meet God & explain what gave her the right to ruin the life of a child he so graciously gave her and my other 2 siblings (neither of them even talk to her anymore). You're totally right about the utter lack of social awareness for narcissist's and how they abuse and get away with it, which is mind boggling when you can so readily compare their lack of emotions & sadistic behaviors to that of REAL serial killers.

@rainandfog4322

8 жыл бұрын

Me too. From day one and every day hence.

@ngonea

8 жыл бұрын

+Justice P .. You just wrote my life story, thanks, sorry for our sad expereince.

@josephinebonney2822

7 жыл бұрын

Oh my goodness. I am sorry for what you went through. I hope you are doing well in your healing and recovery. Have a great day.

@johnelleevans9862

7 жыл бұрын

Justice P this is so sad...

Im a 32 year old SON of a narcissistic mother and an absent father. Ran away from home to a different country 10 years ago, went through all bad habits, got married to another narcissistic woman, depressed, recently divorced, stuck at a menial job, still clinically depressed and let me tell you all these things apply to a son too!! Thank you professor!!!

@angelamossucco2190

Жыл бұрын

Are you working on healing?

No contact with my mother,fabulous.

@Lex44490

4 жыл бұрын

Same just cut them off! They are out of control

I'm an eleven year old girl and I've been struggling to understand why my mom would hate on me. My father, an alcoholic and drug addict, is HATED by my siblings and mother and so that causes me to be hated and hurt. Physically and Emotionally. Now I finally understand why my mother is acting like this. She is a Narcissist.

@user-ui9dk4vr9b

5 жыл бұрын

Is there any family member you can go and live with my love 😔💔?

@HomeFromFarAway

11 ай бұрын

It's 4 years later. I hope you escaped. I'm 40 and it took me this long

Few can understand the toll of this debilitating dynamic.

I had always felt like my mother 'enjoyed' my failures - so she could 'swoop in' and make things better (expect me to be dependent on her and her alone). Also, she seemed pi**ed that I was a daddy's girl...She was supposed to be my favorite! And for a loooonng time, it has felt like she would only do nice things / give gifts so that I owed her...many times, she would remind me that she bought me something if I dared stand up to her / ask for respect. Gifts = strings.

@JaneMay2024

Жыл бұрын

The Helicopter Parent to the rescue enables the child to never learn to cope when stressed in life Mum to the rescue as an adult child is not support It is only when you have your first proper relationship do you see your Mum’s true colours that she is a jealous toxic poisonous mother who just wants your relationship to fail so that she can bring in her helicopter to get her narcissistic supply back from you… have you all to herself again

A very cathartic film about being the daughter of a narcissist is the Bette Davis movie "Now Voyager." I watched it 4 times. Ultimately, two damaged daughters of narcissistic mothers meet. brilliant film about mothers that program daughters to feel "less than." Recommended if you are one of those daughters. You can step out of yourself and see the programming, and in programming. Priceless.

@rebeccajimenez6109

6 жыл бұрын

dylanesque66 have been looking for more films on the topic thank you!

@judisnyder4868

6 жыл бұрын

My narc mother loves that film you mentioned. I wonder why!

@annag7046

3 жыл бұрын

Also Autumn sonata by Ingmar Bergman with explosive Liv Ullman

@NoName-ph5pg

8 күн бұрын

​@@annag7046 this one is a good one, yes

@NoName-ph5pg

8 күн бұрын

​@@annag7046there was a relatively recent movie with Maryl Strip too on this topic

I always felt i had to live near or around my parents my whole life, that is until my mother passed away 3 yrs ago and now i don't feel stuck and i can go wherever i want... the strings have been severed and i feel free..

@falsehoodbasher7240

Жыл бұрын

How old was she? when she croaked

@SurrealisticSlumbers

10 ай бұрын

They don't like it when you move away..

For me, most of it was abandonment and neglect. She's never given me any life advice, doesn't call me, it's a horrible life when people ask as we are not close. I see my mother being jealous of her sister who is the sweet, kind one in the family. She's a very insecure, jealous woman. It's sad because she's incredibly talented.

@bfisherful

4 жыл бұрын

Same story.

@faybelle2991

3 жыл бұрын

@@bfisherful more abuse and avoidance in my case. More than simple neglect. Like ACTIVE neglect.

@elfglow4557

2 жыл бұрын

Same. I was ignored and invisible unless I screwed up.

@girumzemichael704

2 жыл бұрын

@@elfglow4557 It’s the same everywhere, it seems; crosses cultural boundaries. We need to learn to actively love us. 💪🏾

I'm just learning all this at 38 & I plan to go no contact real soon. again. this time, praise GOD, I know exactly why.

I've just read every comment. I feel somehow comforted to know there are actually other people who went through what I did. Most do not imagine that this stuff happens and do not empathize. How many times have people said to me words I despair to hear: "What did you do to make your parent/s so mad at you?" But, I wanted to share that what has helped me cope is my spiritual practice. It doesn't take the pain away but it does make it more manageable - and that's huge. The more I meditate the better my life becomes. The more I turn away from unhappy thoughts about this the better things are that show up in my life. I try to think only of what I want. And not of my parental abuse. The tapes run in the mind constantly, so by using discipline and literally practicing FOCUS I can bring really nice things into my life. If I make the effort in this direction the payday is there. One more thing, if I may. Understand that people who would treat us this way can't really love us. We, as humans, know when someone loves us. We know because of HOW SOMEONE TREATS US. There is no other barometer, my angels. Because you are biologically related does not make you a family. Try to make your own family of loving friends who are deserving of you, will appreciate you and even be there when needed. Go make friends and give them love. This is my therapy and how I try to live so I can have as much of a life as possible. We can't turn it all around. But there is so much we can do to help ourselves. Do not allow the NP to still control you.

@TheBumpdjs

6 жыл бұрын

Rain Andfog - I here you - my friends are my family now - mother the real destroyer cut off - father - just as bad but less time with - cut off - and now my identical twin brother - the closest person in my universe - we were inseparable and only got through the abuse because we had each other - it was always me and the bro verse the rest of the world and I was the strong one and he was the quiet one and my life has been a battle - now slowly he has become one and I can't save him and my whole universe has crumbled beneath me. I've almost lost my mind - disassociation and cptsd have made me question reality so hard I may as well be crazy at points but my point is the only thing I have is my beautiful amazing friends - they are my strength - I've never commented on KZread before but that one hit a chord in me - much love everybody

@kayleepotkonen1187

6 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your comment we are here due to the abuse of those who were supposed to give us guidance and love but at least we have many other ways to receive it. My brother has passed and it was him who had the same relationship issues as myself and would do anything for people:( codependency at its finest . I have healed much of it but still have a long way to heal

@PeaceNLiebe

5 жыл бұрын

TheBumpdjs wow I feel I could have written this myself. My sister (people always thought we were twins) and I got through our child and teenhood with N mother because we had eachother-just like you said. She was the only person I could ever trust and only person that remained when I started discovering narcissism and cut friends out who all were n’s. Now I realized she (for idk what amount of time) had become an N as well. Very covert N. I was almost out of the grip of N family but due to of course long and dramatic events she has been unafraid of showing her abuse nor openly knowing I relied on her. It really sucks

@mamabear-9.18.18

4 жыл бұрын

We know when someone loves us, because of how they treat us.... SO TRUE! My whole life I would always say that I don't feel like my mother loves me. Or even likes me for that matter. I was called all sorts of things for saying that and when I was hospitalized one time, I had asked both parents to come for the group therapy and mentioned to my narcissistic father that I wanted to discuss this topic. At the time, he was on good terms with my mother (when they were fighting, I got the silent treatment from my mother and abused by my father who would triangulate us calling me "a better wife than my mother") they refused to come because they didn't want to be ambushed by me making accusations. One would think that if as an adult I feel this way still, don't say that you been dealing with this my whole life and to just grow up and drop it. The question of whether or not I am loved was conveniently dismissed. I'm so glad you wrote this because I never felt like my family, mostly parents, unconditionally love me or anyone. It took me becoming a parent myself and seeing the difference between my mother and my own parental style with my daughter and also watch certain things my mother would say and do to my daughter that woke me up. I'm devastated and heartbroken but I guess you can't miss what you never had. The illusion is extremely strong and powerful but I must remember, we all must remember, it's only that. A mere illusion, not reality.

Spot on. And most other daughters here have mothers that are very similar to mine. I knew from a young age my mom was "sick" and found out a few years ago about her NPD when she fit all the criteria on Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers. People with NPD don't believe anything is wrong with them and if they get a psych eval it must be court mandated for a crime and even then, relatives like me can't get the results. Mine only admits to depression and claustrophobia. What is interesting in my case is that my issues surfaced with depression and then panic, the panic no doubt worsened not only by growing up with asthma but her infantilizing and sheltering me and keeping me away from exercise, plus the emotional turmoil she caused me. I never learned how to breathe properly so as to relax and think clearly. I tried running away from home 3 times before I was 18, but I wasn't ready. It turns out I love exercise, especially swimming and walking, as well as being in nature. I moved out again in my late 20s only to return and then last and final time in 2015. My dad was her enabler, and my younger brother was the golden child, while I was the scapegoat. Both parents in their own ways hurt and even tried to kill me, and I am lucky to be alive. I'm also lucky to have discovered several creative hobbies since my parents, especially my mom, didn't encourage anything I liked. 2 saving graces were my few close friends growing up and my pets. Reading and listening to music for me, while still enjoyable, were at the time along with daydreaming more about tuning her out and escaping her wrath. Everybody who knows her on a superficial level believes she's so sweet and giving, she's that charming. I learned long ago not to tell her personal things although it took me longer to break the habit of seeking for the maternal support, love and approval she could never give. Grieving this realization of loss is the worst part. And many people will claim the are narcissists themselves, ungrateful, or that the mother did the best she could or loved the best way she knew how. My brother claims he knows how messed up she is but still makes excuses for her and has anger and manipulation issues. I went no contact with all several months ago; anyone in an abusive relationship I think can only start to heal when they leave. Other than that, I just wanted to say you speak very clearly and elegantly and thanks for the work that you do. It's incredibly important.

Also, it's no wonder that as long as someone said, "I love you," to me, I believed I had to forgive them treating me badly / cheating / being abusive, etc... My mother taught me that. (grew up believing love = pain / posession / owing someone something)

My mother was a doozie. Then I married one. Had a child with him. I won't go near one with a 20 foot pole. I'd rather be single and alone til the day I die than risk having to deal with abuse from someone again. I have to live knowing my son is still abused by his father in all the ways Sam described above. My son's struggles from the abuse has been the hardest thing of all to cope with. I thank Sam Vaknin with all my heart, for helping me to cope and make some sense of it all.

@user-pb8ec9gy2x

3 жыл бұрын

Yes queen! Word!

that was so painfull to hear. my mother didn't want me to become independent she would do things for me only when she thinks I am becoming more independent and becomes the perfect mother only at those times but when i get sucked into her ridiculous life and practically become her slave doing everything for her she becomes mean and does triiangulation between me and my sister and brothers. this is so horrible and hearing Sam say these makes it so real, I always had my suspicious that she didn't want me to become independent.

I found this entry in a 2005 journal of mine. This was well before I knew anything of this Mental Illness known as Narcissism. After 15 years, she still hasn"t changed. I have been No Contact now since 2012. "Is it normal for a child to seek the love and approval of his or her mother? Yes, definitely. A baby who does not receive the love and attention of its mother will suffer from failure to thrive, and possibly die. Is it normal for an adult to seek that same love and approval of his or her mother? Yes. It is always something we will strive to attain, even after the death of the parent. Should I tell myself that after 45 years of striving to gain my mother’s love and approval, and not getting it, that I most likely never will have it? Yes. Build an invisible wall. Try to avoid putting myself in situations where I will be hurt. What, if anything, can serve as a replacement? Reassuring myself of my positive attributes, morals and ethics. If I have to, write these down on paper and refer to them often. Seek and find approval within myself. Remind myself that I am not like her, and that is a good thing. How can I distance myself from my mother without it seeming rude or obvious? Miles haven’t helped. First of all, decide that this is what you want to do. Be sure that you have stopped trying to win her approval. If you can’t remove the contact, go through it or around it with avoidance. If she is used to phone calls from you, call her when you know she isn’t there and leave a short and sweet message. If she is used to cards and letters from you, keep them short and superficial. Pretend to be a Stepford wife. Make everything sound rosy. And minimize all contact. How can I keep from holding a grudge or becoming hateful towards her? Know that your new actions or lack of them are for your benefit. She is your mother. She should be your protector. You are merely protecting yourself from her attacks on you since she won’t stop attacking. To allow her to continue attacking is self-defeatism. You should want to be a winner, not a loser. And don’t personalize her bitterness. She is just a very miserable person. She is negative, and is oblivious to that fact." I didn't realize that there were other mothers/people as evil as she is.

@TT-ls1yz

3 жыл бұрын

EXCELLENT way of writing, thank you so much 🌹

Thank you I am validated . I am not crazy

This is so true it is actually very difficult to hear, especially so late in life.

my mom doesn't hate children she just hates me

@TT-ls1yz

3 жыл бұрын

You may be very smart and intelligent. So she may be considering you as her threat. It is not about you Dear, it is all about her. No contact with her, live your life to the fullest

This is MY MOTHER. Oh shes a real compulsive giver, spends money she doesn't have everyday of her life! She basically engineers situations in which she puts herself in the position of "having to help someone, b/c it wouldn't be Christian not too" She's 84 and had 6 bankruptcies in her life and she's about to have another one! She expects you to be eternally thankful to her and you better never forget anything she's done for you, or you'll be guilt tripped to death. No wonder I found myself married to a "Covert Narcissist" nearly 20yrs. I'm an overt "GIVER". I continuously nurture, encourage, forgive and care when I should just spit in their evil faces and laugh as I walk out of both their sick little lives!! I've been the perfect door matt for my ruthless mother and spouse for yrs. I'm certainly NOT an inverted narcissist. I've been trying to leave my husband for nearly 3 yrs now ever since I found this site and learned exactly what/who I am dealing with, but my spouse has me cornered without a job. No income means I am stuck for the moment. I'm pretty sure my mother and husband are actually in league with each other at times b/c they both equally "get off" on my failures, suffering, or general anguish about anything bad that happens to me. Whats the old saying "birds of a feather"? Well they can just have each other for company when I'm gone, I cant think of a better punishment for either one of them They'll both be seeking their narcissistic fixes and infuriate each other endlessly, b/c neither one of them is capable of sincere caring or compassion. Thanks again Sam... for revealing another insight to why I'm where I am today. Giving a tangible label to all of the insidious abuses I've survived at least gave me place to start working from. I know whats broken and most of the reasons why, that I can't fix or change them, and that I need to address personal behavior patterns that make so vulnerable to a narcissist. I will get free of both of them and I will NEVER again be a submissive drone to another narcissist's whims.

@samvaknin

9 жыл бұрын

The Narcissist as a Compulsive Giver samvak.tripod.com/journal96.html The Misanthropic Altruist samvak.tripod.com/journal81.html Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links: health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4727

@lavishdiluted5483

6 жыл бұрын

I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!!!!!! I understand, and you are a beautiful, wholesome woman to be able to put up with all of that bull shit for so long!

@sylvie9256

5 жыл бұрын

I hope you left your husband by now and are happy living the life you want

What about Borderline Personality Disorder? I'm BPD, and I "owe" my disorder to my narcissistic mother.

@vela-rn2jz

2 жыл бұрын

Same 🌷

@Bopomama

Жыл бұрын

Oh yes dear. Relatable.

@chiliart8056

Жыл бұрын

Oo yes I love you I hate you do that to brain

Toxic Motherhood is extremely prevalent in American society. I am the child of both narcissistic and borderline parents. These words ring true for me. I developed many challenges that this video addresses. Thank you Mr. Vaknin.

I'm the daughter of a narcissistic mother. You described my ways of being quite well. I am happy to say that I am doing very well at healing and becoming balanced and integrated though! :)

@falsehoodbasher7240

Жыл бұрын

Hiya seeker;)

Mine was always jealous of anything good that happened to me, if I got anything, it should only be for her and her two other daughters, always trying to compare herself to me, trying to compete with me, always sabotaging me, cold, cruel, no empathy, sometimes would show care n kindness and make me think she loves me but then In an instant would pull it away and be cold and cruel. If a man treats me good, loves me, buys me something or if anything or anyone did something good for me...if I told her, she would look sad, quiet and hurt, I never understood why till now. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough, triangulated my sisters and I, broke our family, lies to me to my sisters, they hate me and believe her lies, a sick women , under developed child in an aging adult women's body....she caused me a lot of pain growing up until I left them all completely.

So sad Though my mom was very caring & loving but it's good to know.

very helpful. I have been having a difficult time most of my life, I can't even put it into words the impact my mother's narcistism has had in my life. Her condition has destroyed my life completely. She has put me through lots of severe mental, emotional, ect...abuse. The worst part emotional neglect, and accused me since I was a child of wanting to sleep with my father, stealing her husband, often had inpredictable tandrums where she destroyed the house and screamed that she was cursed with having children; she never partecipated in my life, at the age of 8 years old, she had never met my teachers, and send me to school without uniform and books... When I was in kindergarten she would force me to wear tape in my face, my nose and hears, to fix my face...and would get upset if I took them off. From 6 years old on, she would locked me and my sibblings , my brother bring a new born, inside the house, and I had to take care of them. Just to mention a few...she has always umiliated me and when I confronted her, she always denied and put me against the family, destroyed all family dynamics intentionally...told everyone I am not stable so that she would never had to take responsibility. And the constant lies...no stop.. Since I was a child I felt guilty for resenting my mother, I resent her and feel guilty for her, but I am unable to be in her. Despite I keep distances to protect myself, she manages to infiltrate in my privacy and vandalize my soul.

@TT-ls1yz

3 жыл бұрын

This description describes my life too. Hope you are away from her now. Focus on yourself and get your life back Dear 🌹 All the best 👍🏼💞

@elfglow4557

2 жыл бұрын

Please go away from her. I feel all the same things you do. Just get away. Once you are away you will start in time to see how your guilt is also caused by them to control and is not grounded in truth. Think about it. Wouldn’t you want your daughter who you love and want best for her to be independent and not suffer because of you? I would rather die than have a daughter suffer because of me. I’d want her to spread her wings and be free and fly. Instead they guild and shame and make us feel powerless

This was my childhood accompanied with physical abuse by my Aunt. She passed away 7 years ago. I knew I was abused and now I am finally accepting why I have problems in relationships. I have hope that the knowledge I have and going no contact with my toxic partner recently I will heal. Your videos are helping me with this journey.

Dr. Vaknin, thanks for posting all these videos. I just ended 15 years with a woman who I first characterized as a "pragmatic anarchist" (and nymphomaniac -- but all that went by the boards within the first five years), only to discover (thousands of dollars later) that she was actually a sociopath. I ruled out narcissism because she seemed to have chronically low self-esteem. Only at the end did I realize she was a hybrid: a high-functioning, charismatic sociopath for sure, but a "sociopathic narcissist" too, in that her "superior fantasy self" was based her realization that she was a "devastatingly effective sociopath". She despises men who try to be "good to her", but is addicted to her ability to "win us back" after each humiliation, and gets deep sadistic pleasure out of long, subtle but relentless passive aggression. I thought I could play this game with her, but alas, finally figured out I had almost nothing of value she needed ("trophy value as it were"), hence finally adopted the zero-contact option. She is, of course, trying to lure me back into her orbit. FBO your other followers and/or patients, that's what they crave most: to banish you from the stage, but keep you in the audience -- so they can use you as proof that they're a mentally healthy "humane" being, and things just didn't work out -- no harm, no foul. (IMHO, the thing a sociopath fears most is being exposed as a sociopath.) The zero-contact option works, but you have to learn to be satisfied knowing it's working without actually getting to see it's effect on the abuser. The moment you go back for a peek, that validates them, and you lose your winnings. How do you know it's working? You start to get your independent self back. BTW, they made a movie about female sociopaths back in 1933, starring Bette Davis and Leslie Howard, based on "Of Human Bondage" by Somerset Maugham. This 5-minute clip shows Howard on his first "date" with "Mildred", and how she begins the process of "charming abuse" that nearly destroys his life: Great Scenes: Of Human Bondage Still my favorite Bette Davis movie of all.

Damn. I had a narcissistic mother and I seem to follow about 60% of his discription of a counter-dependent. I can thank my loving father for not letting me fall any farther then that.

Thank you Sam, everything I shared with my mother she crossed my boundaries behind my back and interferred or used what I shared with her As aMother against me. Then when I turned to her, she would rave on how I did the wrong thing and that "no one loves you." All the time she was in contact manipulating My Life Without My Permission. I don't do that to others and I don't Expect it to be done to me by my Own Mother. But there it is. She even tried to destroy the happy Mother and Son relationship with my Son. She told him lies. I'm trying hard to rebuild my relationship with my son. He ran away from me emotionally and Geographically after Mother told him a pack of mean lies. Poor boy. He's now a man. But she's done irreparable damage to my life. I've forgiven her, have no contact with her and vow Never to marry again as I attract Narcissists like a magnet to me. Sam have you any guidance about further mending my son and my relationship please? He had a Narcissistic Father and Grandmother. He doesn't understand why i like bed the rest of my life with No contact with either of them. My son is like me, giving , caring and a good person. I don't know if I should go away from everyone as I give love to people I form relationships with and after a while they are controlling and nasty. Can you help me Sam, please ?

Good Gods, were you hiding in the shadows watching me? You have shown me I am a counter-narcissist....finally at age 55 I refuse to enter into another relationship, my life's mantra has been "I have people in my life who say they love me who are more than willing to hurt me, why should I go find a stranger to do it?"

thank you for sharing, thank you, you have no idea how helpful this is. I always knew there was something creepy about her. Manilpulation, disinterest in me, oscilating between scourning and lavishing, lying, commanding, impossible to satisfy, stealing my money and gifts, downplaying people who love me, destroying things i love, making me dependent on her and then ignoring for who I am. I have been replaying this more times, for it is like a miracle to me, did I invent it or is it really so,..and then I see that it is really so. I love her despite her stupidity, because she is my mum and because she has me on the leash, and do not know how to handle this. do you know of some online support group community?

@samvaknin

8 жыл бұрын

+Eliska Havelkova Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links: groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4727 Participate in discussions about Abusive Relationships - click on these links: plus.google.com/communities/116582645889927140499 www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery thepsychopath.freeforums.org/ The Narcissistic Abuse Study List health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/ The Toxic Relationships Study List groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships Abusive Relationships Newsletter groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

@eliskahavelkova8355

8 жыл бұрын

Thank you!

@faybelle2991

3 жыл бұрын

My story, but not as bad, I guess...... It's all relative.

To all, esp. KA Robbins: I grew up the same. As long as I made her look "good" to the family and her workmates, she would tolerate me. But with one mistake, I quickly became the "hell of her life." The biggest problems I have had to deal with are: 1: trying to reach out to other members of the family, who do not see what happens on a daily routine, and 2: watching her interactions with my sister which show that 'that' love is so clearly un-conditional. Even with intense DBT therapy, I have been "taught" that love is this way, (toxic:abusive!as a result, most relationships became extremely violent, I having almost lost my life to the man I had planned to marry. Growing up was hard, as I had to watch her treat my sister with an unconditional love I have never known. Now, I am on disability for severe depression/ borderline PD bc I have no idea of my own worth and, unfortunately, do not even know hów to properly. If I even mention the idea of 'boundaries,' ( bc she does what she wants when she wants with my belongings.) then all he'll breaks lose even though I know it's just a healthy way of communicating. Thx for this post.

It is painful to realise, that I have been needy and acting immature. I married a narcissist and still tried to control him - he abused me and I tried to manage him. I was always miserable with myself, trying to get others to accept me and like me. All the time, the answers lied within myself. First time in my life, I have healthy relationships. I forgive myself and others, who couldn't stay by my side. The most important lesson is, co-dependency is not better than narcissism. Healing oneself is possible, and creating better and meaningful life. My life is more productive and most of the time I am happy. Unhealed co-dependecy is like living a half of life.

Thank you Dr. You are yet another one hearing me out and uncluttering3 my thoughts of all the "craziness" I was led to believed I had. Thank you a million times. After all reasureness, and awareness, one still refuse to believe that is your own mother who has done you the most harm.

I realize how incredibly lucky that my grandparents stepped in to help raise my brother and me. They lived in the home for most of the year. My brother and I didn't grow up with struggles of severe mental health issues that you speak of. However, my little sister who came much later is a shell of the person she was born as. This is all so sad.

My mother met my high school boyfriend, whom I brought home, and ended that day by chasing him around our house’s grounds with a fireplace poker. Why? She had decided something he’d said (to someone else), which she obviously misheard, was a ‘coded message’ intended to insult her. He was bewildered, and kept asking what he had done. He response was ‘You know what you said!’ We never figured it out. Yet she intended to do him severe physical harm, for which she surely would have been incarcerated, had she succeeded. Some time later, after he’d apologized for nothing, I took her to his family’s home. My mother decided she was justified in hating him, because his family was wealthy, and he was obviously spoiled (not true, he was quite independent, hard working, and made his own fortune as an adult). Why my father never considered my mother to be irrational stumps me to this day.

I am the “golden child” in my mother’s psychosis. I don’t speak to her and none of the 5 of us talk to her at the same time. While I did distance myself from her, I fell in love with a man just like her

@falsehoodbasher7240

Жыл бұрын

What ! 😳

sam your advice is by far the best ive heard on utube and stops me from thinking its all in my head

My mother over protected me. More as a punishment I feel. I felt like Cinderella, and eventually I sought out a prince to rescue me. I did everything to please my mother; who was also a gambling addict. I am a codependent for sure and I am in therapy and go to al anon. I have separated myself from my ex spouse and my mom has passed away. I have noticed that old boyfriends are have narcissistic traits as well. Those traits have become very undesirable to me!

wow...so true ..im wondering now if i am a "covert narcissist" or "codependent" because of my narcissistic mother....

amazing video my mother insults never values me I am desperate to get away from here, I need HELP!

@honeyrose558

6 жыл бұрын

Save and get away... asking for HELP is a trate of narcissism you gotta learn to help yourself brake the cycle free yourself

@alisaharris8926

4 жыл бұрын

Did you get away? I hope you are safe and happy.

my mom had said to a man i met and his brother things that they told me later on as i was with this man for 13 years. Yeah he said someday we cannot be together you'll know why. Even he had more inset at that time. my mom had something to say in anything I do. so at this time in my life had to not be around her anymore. Her verbal and psychological abuses couldn't take. Faked talk of family problems. She really always thought my stepdad's family out to get her. then she stated that everyone out to get her. Her verbal abuse was to traumatic overall. My brothers and sister do not know me in anyway. Any problems I had she insisted herself was bigger. One cannot breathe after awhile with a mother like this. So cruel and an isolated type of mom. This is not love at all. I love kids. You don't act this way to a child you made and love. Very sad i am to choose to leave her. But if this is the way she wants to become then there was no chose most likely in the first place. Good luck to my sister and brothers love them and her very much. Nothing to do only care and move on. Thank you on this video! Peace be with you Godbless😀

i love how you explain everything. its so crystal clear.

facts..exactly how I turned out too growing up with narcissistic parents and how I am in relation ships now...sadly...I feel best being alone now amd cutting many out

Thank you Sam Vaknin!

Thank you Dr. Sam! I have your book and i love your channels. im learning alot your my go to on this topic.

Shes trying to kill me.

This is my Mom, I moved away when I was 19, ( I didnt even know the term NPD , but thought she was crazy & mean.) ...and only to me. Once she left my Dad and Step Father all her anger turned to me. I recently had to move back to my hometown to go through a kidney transplant, ( which she called , so inconvenient for her.) How do I know if I don't have inverted Narcissisim?? Thank you for this video.

Anyway, very good video... Me too, I am looking for some support, I care about her, but I can't handle it...feel very down about, gives anxiety. I need to grow out the trauma she has caused me.

I have zero relationship with the woman who gave birth to me, having walked out with only the clothes on my back when I was 17. I only see her at marriages and funerals, and I try to avoid most of those as well. My siblings are still sucking up to that toxic waste, so I have nothing to do with them either. I have adjusted to the fact I have no family worth mentioning. However, sometimes this can be a bit socially awkward with the normal people I know in my life. Recently, I was watching a video where it was recommended to people who have parents with NPD, BPD, etc. to just tell others when faced with the question of, "So what about your parents?" to say that your parents were killed in an accident. My father truly was killed in an accident. What is your opinion of just cutting to the chase, lying and saying she is dead? Or will this come back to haunt me later? Curious on your thoughts.

@xrisku

8 жыл бұрын

yeah well, I totally disagree. I don't have to explain my choices. It is working for me in my social situations with ppl who don't really matter in the big picture. Those who matter, already know. If you think having a malignant narcissist with histrionic BPD mother raise you in a single parent household where there is no mitigating parent whatsoever, that only just goes to show that you have no clue what I am even talking about, and you are a prime example of the very reason I prefer to just say "they're dead" than make any attempts to explain anything to anyone anymore, oh hey, including even you. See how that works? My question is nearly a year old. I have long since worked through and decided this issue for myself. Nice fucking language BTW. I rarely would even consider advice from someone with your language skills and arrogance.

@tristanburns82

5 жыл бұрын

xrisku keep no contact going and she is dead to you.lacking in a spirit/soul narcs are dead inside anyway.

5:32 well put together and said the right way...

It is so sad the hands who should cradle us and help us grow tries to destroy us its v unfortunate

Wow. How do you know my ex wife and her mother??This is an exact description of what I have seen and still see.

Cut all contacts with her! that's step number 1! she's never gonna get it!

I believed i was well ,then i went back due to her age 80. Within a few weeks the monster came out ,she attacked me verbally without warning. I now know why Im stupid emotionally She pretends to care then tears you down. She told everyone to leave me alone. When id tell them what she was doing she called me a lier. I cant forget when she ran at me with a knife stopping one inch from my stomach. All my relationships she destroy gossip and lies. She wanted to make sure id be there to care for her. I only realized this now. Im not young anymore and she actually without warning went back 30 years repeating the lies gossip. I hate her right now.

Can you point me to more videos about the narcissist mother & her daughter ? Love your videos, learning a lot.. thanks

My honey bunny, had a daughter who is now in her mid thirties who became dangerously anorexic, hospitalized many times. My now, ex GF, would often tell me how her doughtier was a little chubby as an adolescent though when I met her, in her thirties, she was rail thin. My GF was extremely controlling and fairly obsessed with appearance and perfectionism and not particularly affectionate. Clearly, her daughter was somehow attempting to win her mothers love and praise. The other factor was the daughter had an older brother who my GF heaped praise on as if he were God on earth. This was textbook, Karen Carpenter's family dynamic, where the mother favored the son, and the daughter, a superstar performer, never felt good enough.

Dr. Vaknin, I have been struggling with the effects of a narcissistic mother, exactly as you described. I have been aware of it for years, and have tried to "reparent" myself. I do find myself insecure, and constantly trying to prove myself. I have fairly well kept away once I see the red flags, but in my own words, I operate from a position of weakness, never one of strength. Can you offer any suggestions for undoing or healing the damage? I have been diagnosed with PTSD, I was the black sheep, severely physically abused. I have had good results from EMRD, but am unable to continue therapy due to insurance issues. Is healing possible? How do you start believing your value when you have been fighting for your life from a very young age?

@samvaknin

7 жыл бұрын

These may be of help - click on the links: Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links: groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4727 The Narcissist's Victims vaksam.tripod.com/faq38.html Victim Reactions to Abuse by Narcissists and Psychopaths vaksam.tripod.com/personalitydisorders70.html Mourning the Narcissist vaksam.tripod.com/faq68.html The Three Forms of Closure vaksam.tripod.com/abuse17.html Back to La-la Land vaksam.tripod.com/journal78.html The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist vaksam.tripod.com/faq6.html Divorcing the Narcissist and the Narcissistic Psychopath - How Do I Get Rid of Him? vaksam.tripod.com/5.html Traumas as Social Interactions vaksam.tripod.com/trauma.html How Victims are Affected by Abuse vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily21.html How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily22.html How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Recovery and Healing vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily23.html Rescue Fantasies - Surviving the Narcissist vaksam.tripod.com/faq80.html The Malignant Optimism of the Abused vaksam.tripod.com/journal27.html The Inverted Narcissist - Codependence and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists vaksam.tripod.com/faq66.html Codependence and the Dependent Personality Disorder vaksam.tripod.com/personalitydisorders22.html The Dependent Patient - A Case Study vaksam.tripod.com/personalitydisorders56.html Danse Macabre - Trauma bonding and the Stockholm Syndrome vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily.html The Cult of the Narcissist vaksam.tripod.com/journal79.html Narcissists and Personality disordered Mates, Spouses, and Partners groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/5013 Projection and Projective Identification - Abuser in Denial groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/5002 Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/5000 Guilt? What guilt? groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4931 Narcissists, psychopaths, sex, and marital fidelity groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4920 The Narcissist or Psychopath Hates your Independence and Personal Autonomy groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4959 I miss him so much - I want him back! groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4934 Participate in discussions about Abusive Relationships - click on these links: plus.google.com/communities/116582645889927140499 www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery thepsychopath.freeforums.org/ The Narcissistic Abuse Study List health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/ The Toxic Relationships Study List groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships Abusive Relationships Newsletter groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

@KristinaS3782

6 жыл бұрын

You can get past it. You are not alone!! Awareness is power

Boy are you right about that!

I have followed you for years Sam.

With me it was a combination of narcissism and jealousy...She could not stand me moving on with my life, she couldn't stand ppl thinking i'm nice, when she did not need me anymore it's like i was free to go... She treats me like nothing and turns around and buy me a purse, i was not the golden child but i was the only one that had birthdays celebration...I just don't get it! I was the cause of every problem in her life, she hated me bcuz i look like my father and as i grew up it's something else

@chiliart8056

Жыл бұрын

Similar to my 😏

sam thankyou for this it makes alot of sense to me, do you think its possible to rebuild self confidence after this? and when ppl refer to learned behavior in situations do you think its possible for us to do this to our own kids? sometimes l feel like im parenting to soft and let my kids rule everything because im afraid to be who she is

Spot on

Great video. However, this does not cover "daughters of a narcissistic father" Could you please make a video about that. thank you

Thank you doctor for your videos. In Italian videos there is much more censorship regarding this issue. I would like to ask you if a pathological narcissistic mother could even attempt to kill or cause damage to her own grandchild.

2:04-3:07 This describes me. I find it difficult growing up or wanting to. It is affecting my performance at work. I have also chosen counter dependence as a way of coping because of how I was controlled as a child by my NM by withholding money. I remember feeling helpless and afraid of asking other relatives because of the shame that would bring or the questions that would raise. I then swore to myself that I would rather die than be put through that humiliation again. Any advise on this, Sam?

@MandysLittleLife

8 жыл бұрын

+Aerix One I share your reluctance and struggle to grow up. I 100% doubt my ability to take care of myself, but on the other hand I dream constantly of freedom and just running away.

@talashdallas9255

8 жыл бұрын

+Maranda's Toys & Books Hi Maranada.I respect that although we may have ended up with the same affliction, our journeys were different and being different individuals we processed events differently.. one thing I'll confirm is that sometimes the doubts we feel are actually lies, as in my case I always thought that I'd have to live with and be around my NM forever because I needed them for everything.. I didn't think that even after finishing college that I would be employable unless my NM talked to someone to hire me for a job and yet I did well in school all through. When I finally got to a rock and a hard place I decided that I was ready to be that fool who would go out there and make a laughing stock of themselves. The results were shocking! I succeeded in almost everything I tried! I can't begin to describe the feeling. It was dreamlike.. Until today I pinch myself because I can't believe I actually broke away.. I'd suggest one victory at a time, no matter how simple it is :)

This is very interesting. In some way this description it is simplified by the the complexity of a family. The general ideas are correct but there are so many possible scenes for this to play out on. There could be one parent that is a narcissistic but other family members with great influence. There could be a life event that changes the whole family. The concepts are great in this video blog but I hope all that read this realize "all our shit stinks" not just narcissists.

@monabarber2335

Жыл бұрын

DUH 🙄 This is a Narcissistic Web Sight ! How ignorant can you be ?

I did not no about this word until I remixed my parents were narcissist when I talked about my mother said u were going to get rape or killed . One of my teachers interfered because she said your daughter needs friends and herd my grandparents say they will disinherit my parents . Because of all most dieing after child birth and a husband who did not want to be a dad I had no choice to have them help me . I'm finy learning to stand up that's what a parents suppose to do . I got the guilt trips if it wasn't for me you would be dead . My cousins call it the Irish guilt trip but I'm finding it a chain cycle . In a lot a family's . I'm the dependent so I'm breaking that cycle . Can the narcissist break there cycle

@TheAfroQween My mom does that same exact thing.

Wow !!!!

i moved in with my father because of this...but im trying to help her, everytime i point out a flaw or the fact that mentaly she is sick she always puts me down and still think shes perfect...anyone have any advice for me ..i love her shes my mom :(

6:26 great..

I’m worried I’ve got some of her traits. I hate those parts of myself. How can I know if I am a narcissist?

what is with Narcissistic Mothers> BPD daughters?

Is there any region where you have seen more narc. mothers then in other places?

@samvaknin

12 күн бұрын

No.

All narcissists guys are mama's boys.

Is co-dependancy and counter dependency on a spectrum same as narcissism?

My alcoholic mother allways being home silent or she allways asking me what she buying on the store and my mother making kids voices and I then say be normal it fails like everything else and a lot years going by and my sister allways support my mother mentally

Counter dependent..

When a narcissist mum seems to really change for the better (since she got exposed even though not fully), is it really real or is it just for a show?

@samvaknin

6 жыл бұрын

IF she is a narcissist, it is afe to err on the side of caution and assume that it is all a show: Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links: groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4727

@memomisa4351

6 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much

@kaylam8707

6 жыл бұрын

For show

That's me

Isn't funny? i'm still dealing with it even if she lives a billion miles away! she keeps leaving threatening messages on my voicemail and still makes it all about her such as how her birthday and mother's day pass and she did not get a call from me! i stopped answering her calls a yr ago! what pushes a mother to act as such?? why us? i hate her so much! it's really sad to see others getting along fine with their mother and u wonder and question yourself and say why me? WE ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!!

💯💯💯

This is my mother .I think she is bad I don't no how bad but looks like one of the worst narc mums ☠️☠️☠️ 💔💔 figured this out only 1 yr ago at the age of 40 🙈😭 i live with my dad most of my life as she left me at the age of 5 left 4 kids with him she come back in to my life at the age of 15 😲🙈 my hole life has been hell and I had no idea it was mostly because of her and her army of flying monkeys .🙈🎯🎯🎯🎯i have gone no contact with the whole family on both sides as I have since learnt my Nana on my dad's side is a narc also .I am unsure just how many of them we have in our family.🙈🙈🙈🙈🤨🤔i have learnt that I'm an empathetic at the same time ❤️❤️❤️❤️I😭😭💔💔

I think there are many more narcissistic women then are accounted for on this. Just like society think automatically that it is males who physically & sexually abuse children & spouses & not women or make light of it when women are the abusers. Like yer video that says children get away with or a forgiven narcissistic behavior, so are women me thinks. (I am a female by the way)

@xxxXGuNzXxxx - Cut off contact.

Serial killers. lol

I actually can’t stand my Mother and I stay away from her. She also can’t stand me she has always hated me my whole life the only time she liked me or gave me attention was when she was drunk and nothing is more disgusting than a drunk so I hated her if she was drinking I knew her affection was phony and only due to her being sloppy drunk. My Mother is now a Crazy QAnanon Trump supporter it’s crazy I almost feel like she is getting dementia from drinking.