People always say you only have one mother, but never take in consideration that you only have one life.

@Cynthia-fs4vi

3 жыл бұрын

Wow! Well said. Thank you for this.

@thebigmanskeet6969

3 жыл бұрын

Exactly, and we have the choice who to embrace as your family.

@truthtarot7074

3 жыл бұрын

👏👏👏

@AW-yn1lf

3 жыл бұрын

Exactly that's why you should fix your relationship with your mother!

@lennybolt4450

3 жыл бұрын

@@AW-yn1lf Not their responsibility to fix someone else.

When KZread is the therapy you can afford.

@kathleenhansen4344

3 жыл бұрын

😂 this is the realist shit I've seen today 🤣

@ingridrevolorio1800

3 жыл бұрын

😂

@kategould4857

3 жыл бұрын

Well, it is helpful to me but I have made enquiries to get the therapy I need. Should have done it years ago but didn't think I was deserving. To anyone struggling please don't wait like I did, you do deserve it I promise you.

@Disneyfamiglia

3 жыл бұрын

Yup! Guessing you’re also in the 🇺🇸?

@jnaiwalker9245

3 жыл бұрын

Literally 💯

One of the best things about having a narcissistic mother is that it makes you realise who you do not want to be in life. You break the mould for the sake of your children ❤️

@nataliemobley4679

10 ай бұрын

Me too.

@tamifox

10 ай бұрын

You are so right. I remember being so young and saying to myself that I will never grow up to be like her or treat my kids like that.

@kaitiezhee

9 ай бұрын

This really resonates with me. You’re so not alone 💜

@jmalin6359

9 ай бұрын

Same

@LAJiini

8 ай бұрын

Me too!! I raised 4 children and was (am) very emotionally close to each, loved them very much, they are my world. My mothers world was her world. And destructive it was. I struggle with low self esteem. That’s always been a problem. But somehow I made it through (I’m 70) and normal happy life with 4 beautiful children.

I am 73 years old. My mother is long dead. I was happy when she died. The narcissistic mother, at least in my case, is incredibly damaging to her offspring, both male and female. Even at my age, when I think of my mother, I am consumed with rage. This is one of your best commentaries. You have perfectly described the narcissistic mother.

@kikimae1830

Жыл бұрын

At 73 your still consumed with rage? Lord I'm going through my mother is dying and has turned my oldest son against me only because I'm not there on her death bed. He is mad at me for not "caring". I have done everything to be close to her and she still tells lies and turns people against me. I'm at the point where I almost don't care that she is dying. I know that sounds so bad but idk anymore I'm tired of the hurt and confusing that goes along with her.

@janinesmith369

Жыл бұрын

That is exactly how I feel. I wish I went no contact with her years ago, but I continued forgive her but she continued to manipulate , criticize and insult me. Even now near the inevitable the last communication her was with her continued outrageous allegations and hatred and un called for rage, bad mouthing , lies, etc.. Only God will deal with her and all the narcissists for eternity. And yes, mother made sure she turned everyone against me as well.

@debc52

Жыл бұрын

What I learned was to look at them (the narcissists in my life) through God's eyes. They are also children of God and are loved by God. Perhaps I cannot love them because of what they have done to me and those I love, but I can demonstrate God's love for them. Doing this with my mother brought me reconciliation at the end of her life and great peace. I have found that they can't help being the way they are any more than someone who is bipolar or autistic. So you have to first protect yourself, second love them anyway, third work with, not against, the issue.

@wendyladybug355laurie4

Жыл бұрын

@@kikimae1830 I Am So Sorry!!!!I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN THEY TURN EVERYONE AGAINST YOU & YOU HAVEN'T SAID A WORD ABOUT ANYTHING YOU WERE PUT THRU, SO ALL THEY KNOW IS FROM THE NARC & BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE THE HORRIBLE ONE!!!! KEEPING YOU IN MY PRAYERS'MANY PRAYERSNLUV 👼👼💝💝🙏🙏🕊️🕊️🌹🌹✝️✝️

@janetpage8404

Жыл бұрын

My story is much the same as those already told here. But, both my parents would praise my brother and not even be able to say anything nice to me. Spent my life looking for approval from them which was not forthcoming. I did ask her on a couple of occasions why she even bothered to have me. Soul destroying. She would constantly say things to gaslight me then I'd get admonished for reacting! There was a comment earlier that said that the abuse stops with me. And, that's what I determined many years ago and as a result I have the most caring and living daughter relationship as a result. I was too embarrassed to tell people what was going on because at that time I wasn't aware of narcissist behaviour. The biggest disappointment was that none of the doctors picked up on it either! She stole my life and at 67 I lack the confidence in myself to know where to start. I also believed parents were supposed to have your best interests at heart and being a Christian it was left to me to figure out a way to navigate thru it until at 63 I had a message left on my answering service to immediately contact her otherwise she would "call the cops". It was on the weekend and I was at church. And, that's when I knew there was nothing more I could do. Thankfully my daughter decided to have a child and I left the state. Thank you for these videos as they give us back a morsel of hope.

My great grandmother was abused by her mom, then she abused my grandmother, who in turn abused my mom, who in turn abused me. It ends with me. One way or the other, it ends with me.

@Texas.wildflower1

3 жыл бұрын

♥️

@alicesbeloved4109

3 жыл бұрын

💝

@Jo-lp1px

3 жыл бұрын

AMEN

@WonderfulWorldofAwesomeness

3 жыл бұрын

Same. It’s why I decided not to have kids

@lynnemacvean9665

3 жыл бұрын

Good for you. I suspect the same thing in my family, although I only know for sure as far back as my grandmother. It did end with me. My kid isn't flawless but he's a great young man and he knows I love him.

I grieve for the mother that I always wanted, and never had.

@kristensunderland9893

2 жыл бұрын

Omg i feel the same way!!!

@akitalady

2 жыл бұрын

Yes. Whenever I see a mother and daughter interacting in a friendly, loving way, my gut twists, and once again I relieve the many emotional cuts I suffered at my mother's hands. Dr. Grande, watching your videos has given me the courage to seek counseling.

@TinaLouise73

2 жыл бұрын

Yes me too...it was their faults we are emotionally damaged not ours.Only we can heal ourselves and have nothing to do with the abusive mothers.x

@stevenwaite5009

2 жыл бұрын

I grieve for the daughrer...that..I always wanted.....and..never had... Boo hoo..

@margotlochrin5002

2 жыл бұрын

Grieving for the mother she want is part of accepting who she really was. And then letting her go from your life and moving on to a much free-er one. Speaking from experience. Good luck.

I grew up as an Empath with a Narcissist mother and father! No wonder I felt so alone!

@dadbod9776

Жыл бұрын

Be careful using the word Empath. We have empathy. There is no victimhood in that.

@famouskate9071

Жыл бұрын

I understand completely, being an Empath with a very narcissistic mother. So grateful that my father was the best person I ever knew. That saved me, but he has passed and I still feel very alone. I am 63 and still trying to get my mother to care about me, how sick is that? Clearly, the person lecturing your use of the word Empath confuses it with simple empathy. They may mean well, but obviously don't know the difference. I am sorry for your childhood pain and I truly hope you have found peace. I am still searching.

@famouskate9071

Жыл бұрын

@@dadbod9776 Empath and empathy are 2 different things.

@deborahstaats922

Жыл бұрын

@@famouskate9071 my story exactly AND we are the same age!

@healthandfitness2354

Жыл бұрын

Narc father is real pain in ass

One of the worst things about this is accepting that my mother is like this and that no amount of trying to reason with her about her behavior will change anything. I keep naively hoping that she will understand that her behavior is extremely damaging and she will stop because she is wasting her life being miserable and making others miserable in the process. It is endlessly depressing and frustrating.

@melindatimpf7737

Жыл бұрын

Agreed, I can relate.

@Omneyvdwatering

Жыл бұрын

I have tried this for about 20 years. All the time i thought it was me. I was the problem. I said the wrong words. I did the wrong things. I just didn't do enough. Didn't work hard enough, wasn't nice enough. Now i understand that it's not her not understanding. She understands and than dismisses it because she could never be the problem. it must be me, who's clearly lazy!

@lilyamongbrambles4458

Жыл бұрын

@@Omneyvdwatering I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I feel like such a fool because I also married a narcissistic man (he is the covert type, so not as easy to tell at the beginning that something was really wrong) and between my mother and my ex husband they have seriously damaged my emotional and mental health. I am just leaning on God for healing and support because I no longer trust anyone. The comments section of videos like these is truly the only place I've found any understanding from others as to how horrible this kind of abuse is. And it truly is abuse. I will be praying for you dearest.

@Jcapps342

11 ай бұрын

My life exactly mirrors yours.

@Victoria-cm1yo

10 ай бұрын

I think they don’t feel miserable. If they would, they regretted it and felt sad. I was there a lot, for years hoping for the better. Everytime I forgave, she did something worse. It just got worse and worse with aging too! So I cut contact and that’s how I “dealt” with it. My life is truly better now. I don’t blame her, I didn’t have to forgive her, because her behaviour is caused by a serious illness. Life is just better now. I accepted it and this is what it is.

As a child/teen I was treated as a adult but as an adult I’m treated like a child.

@mj7177

3 жыл бұрын

Same here, so confusing

@danica9237

3 жыл бұрын

I’ve literally never related to something so badly before.

@daniellewatson9969

3 жыл бұрын

Yes Running's rage. It changes your soul in such a damaging way and I don't want to elaborate but I completely understand. God Bless and surround you with Love, contentment and reassurance. Any sort of abuse is NEVER A CHILD'S FAULT. Hugs from the Land Down Under, Danielle 🙏🌲❤️🕊️🇦🇺

@daniellewatson9969

3 жыл бұрын

@@danica9237 It changes you Danica, especially at such an influential age. ❤️🌲🕊️🇦🇺🙏

@daniellewatson9969

3 жыл бұрын

@kot w butach They're what you call Narcisist's. I'm 50 and wasn't even familiar with the word 4yrs ago. They're mentally ill and DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE. Peace my friend.🕊️♾️🇦🇺

“After all I have done for you...”

@heatherschaeffer4579

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, heard this one about 1,000 times. I gave up everything f y I had to sacrifice my career to sit home to care f y. My life is over, she would say along w I want to go into a nursing home. Always, complaining

@ambermiller3590

3 жыл бұрын

Oh my god yes

@jenniferirwin82

3 жыл бұрын

They pull that line every time, don't they. Like pulling a rabbit out of a hat. lol

@ginap5003

3 жыл бұрын

And...’I’m your mother!’ Always when she was being a bitch and I was defending myself.

@Maplesinvests

3 жыл бұрын

@@ginap5003 literally the same!!

I went from a narcissistic mother to a narcissistic husband. It wasn't until after 30 years of marriage when he walked out on me that I started to emerge from the cave of fear and self-doubt I had always lived in. 20 years on, I am at peace, with myself, with both of them and with God.

@shelleyisntreal

Жыл бұрын

Just left a narcissist abusive relationship… it’s true we must attract them because of who we became from inherent narcissistic abuse from our mothers our whole life… Good for you for getting out! Remember no contact is the only way. (Some really good podcasts on all of this- worth checking out)

@puma5471

Жыл бұрын

I hope I find peace one day cause at the moment I feel rage, thinking about my mother

@sherrybonnema6688

Жыл бұрын

Same scenario for me 😢 Thank God I am free.

@janethenny2058

Жыл бұрын

Same expérience

@deepwaters7242

Жыл бұрын

My 7 year relationship with a narcissist was my subconscious attempt to heal my mama wounds. Once the veil of denial was lifted, I was hit like a truck by reality.

This is 100% accurate. The narcissistic mother cannot ever approve of her daughter and wants her to feel bad about her life and anything she may have achieved. The narc mother is unable to accept when her daughter actually accomplishes something on her own and or follows her own dreams. Finding your own path in the world and developing true self esteem and confidence is vital! My heart goes out to anyone who is experiencing this relationship. It hurts, a lot.

@MeMe-lx2jw

Жыл бұрын

My mother isn't satisfied until she has destroyed those around her, but specifically she's on a mission to end me. It's horrible and I hate to admit that it's worked to an extent because I didn't know any better. She's a manipulative psychopath that rejoiced (if she can feel joy) when I said doing x would mean losing my job so I wouldn't do it. She said, "Then do x!" Seriously.

@bf6048

Жыл бұрын

She’s been dead 9 years. I still occasionally relive the pain.

@renafrulla2027

11 ай бұрын

story of my life...

@princessofgenovia1407

10 ай бұрын

It’s horrible

@osiris8519

3 ай бұрын

So true but I don't hurt anymore. I know she's the one who lost a child who she invested in. This alone will EAT her up.

My siblings try to shame me, telling me, "She's your mother no matter what and you need to respect her." I can't help but think, "What about her not respecting me?"

@maryann_bekind

2 жыл бұрын

Amen - absolutely

@heartsmyfaceforever8140

2 жыл бұрын

Respect isn’t owed, it’s something people have to earn.

@crystalh2211

2 жыл бұрын

I had to finally shut everyone out who said that narrative bc it was perpetuating the trauma of an abusive relationship. I look for other maternal figures in my life and practice reparenting myself to self validate myself with loving kindness. If people haven't walked in your shoes, don't listen to them. 💓🌺🙏

@Nectarine333

2 жыл бұрын

Yup, my siblings are and we’re brainwashed and took up for my mom

@darknessseparated7465

2 жыл бұрын

I’m sure you enjoy life like everybody else. You wouldn’t have life without both. Your dad and your mom. The claim of narcissist to a parent is done often by children, who simply want to calm the natural guilt for being a crappy son or daughter to the parent. Are there bad parents? Yes but a lot of whining by sons and daughters is just about being selfish and not want to bother.

Both of my parents should never have had kids to be honest.

@foxglass5260

4 жыл бұрын

I'm glad they did tho 😊

@cheetara639

4 жыл бұрын

I can realise the lack of parenting skills from mine too 😢

@MsNooneinparticular

4 жыл бұрын

My dad didn't want any & had 4. Still bitches about having been "trapped" by both his wives, even though he was already married for years before having me, lol. Like get over it already. If you don't want kids, don't rely on the other person to use contraception. Wear a condom or get it snipped. My mom is the narc, btw. So one narc who wanted us & a bipolar nut who didn't. Whee! I wish there was a basic psychological/intellectual test required before people could bring a kid into the world. Or like a simple background check. Something. We have to pass a test to drive a car, get into college or immigrate to a country permanently... why not require a basic mental health check before allowing people to make the biggest decision of their lives?

@rachelchiasson1767

4 жыл бұрын

Same

@loveahusky

4 жыл бұрын

Ms. Sharon I wish they didn’t

1) Diverting the conversation to themselves 2) Competing with the daughter 3) Makes the daughter feel like a burden 4) Not protecting the daughter from harmful people 5) Emotional unavailability/accusatory 6) Being controlling/manipulative/disdainful look 7) Unknown debt cannot be repaid/no-win situation 8) Conditional false love as reward 9) Boundary violations/judgment/critical about daughter to others

@ccbevan5393

7 ай бұрын

h🎉🎉😢😢😢😢

@ccbevan5393

7 ай бұрын

I did not mean to send that

@ogmc626

5 ай бұрын

@Pearlonion5343 Thank you for typing this out, it really makes it all so clear.

@Avrora1984

5 ай бұрын

Perfectly summed up! I realized these facts early on my life, around 16-17 years old. I was depressed, I had a number of issues, like very low self-esteem, distorted body-image resulting in eating disorder, being disgusted from being a woman deep inside, bec I was desgusted from my mother because of her desgusting behaviour, which I spotter very very early. I never wanted to be like her, so I destructed myself, bec her proximity made me fear, that I'll become like her, bec of her influance and manipulation which I was well aware. After I got entrance to Uni as a psychologist, I started to learn all of her shit and what's going on from a scientific perspective and it shed light on a lot of grey areas in my life, why do I feel a certain way, I also got a lot of positive validation for what I was, and so I started to heal, but it is not yet finnished till this day. I got a lot of answers to my hidden questions, and I could even got to a point where I could see myself from outside, objectively. And my relationship with the beast. I put together my pieces, I won't say my struggles ended, but I am very very far from what my mother intended with me to be like. She wanted to enslave me forever, she wanted me to become a mindless Jehova's Witness, who is easily manipulable through "God's words" (of course she was meant to be the interpreter, but that role was never given to her by me). But none of that became true, and since that my mother is still licking her wounds that she lost so much controll over me, she is still trying to insert controll, bec a narc will never accept the fact that the train has already gone, so she'll always be trying, but for me it is even more funny as time passes, as she becomes worse and worse of herself, as her evilness strikes back on her. I wrote these lines, that not all is lost,, if we have a narc mom! This is what they want us to believe, but reality is much greater than them, and the brave and the good will always be rewarded!!!

@LorraineGrant

5 ай бұрын

When I told my mum a problem I had she would say, 'there are loads of people worse off than you eg. poor, disabled', as if my problems didn't matter. I think she knew deep down that my problems were partly her fault, and wanted to avoid her own guilt and shame.

I've always had a chronic feeling of emptiness my whole life. I still do. My Mom did a number on my Mental well-being. I struggle to make sense of my childhood to this very day !!!

@DevonExplorer

Жыл бұрын

I feel exactly the same, Sunshine Girl. I didn't even realise that my mum was a narcissist until this video, even though I've been learning about narcissism for many years now, and have had that same struggle to understand my childhood. It's made me mourn all over again but important to know that it wasn't me losing my mind I think. All the best. :)

@sunshinegirl2208

Жыл бұрын

@@DevonExplorer Thank you. Wishing you the best also. Sorry you went through all that. It is hard to come to terms with.

@scarasara

Жыл бұрын

Me too. I love my mom but when I was a kid she could be pretty crazy and as a kid I didn't understand what was going on. It kind of effed me up

@puma5471

Жыл бұрын

I feel the same. I feel I’m unlovable. I’m alone even with so much love from my friends.

@puma5471

Жыл бұрын

Sending you all much love! ❤

I realized that if my mother was a friend of mine, I would drop her like a hot potato!

@gulcint3050

3 жыл бұрын

probably as a friend, she would treat you better... :(

@pjj9491

3 жыл бұрын

thought that before...not someone I wouldve enjoyed living next to either...the whole family when i was a kid...i had a different dad and mustve took after him, plus stepwhatever beat me so i was pretty docile...but my incubator her husband and their 3 kids were mean loud rude demanding theiving conniving backstabbing.. she gave me up for adoption right after birth and then was able to take me back (ignorant judge) from these wonderful people at age 4ish to be nanny and maid....literally took care of a newborn while they went to bars.. evil narcissistic....

@INNERACADEMIA

3 жыл бұрын

Same

@doresca1634

3 жыл бұрын

Same here. I’ve also said the same about my brother’s partner. They are the people that would have been dropped as friends.

@maryann_bekind

3 жыл бұрын

@@gulcint3050 I don't think a narcissistic person is even capable of being a true friend to anyone. They see people only in terms of what they can use them for and if they can't benefit from the relationship it's disposal Examples are just look at the turn over at the highest level of our government in the last 4 years.

To everyone here seeking guidance, I'm sending you love for your healing.

@brendacassidy5344

3 жыл бұрын

You are here too 💜 Sending love and healing to you as well

@leemartin9156

3 жыл бұрын

Thank You for your kindness and generosity of spirit!🌠🌄

@pogemon2191

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you very much.

@habibahdawodu5067

2 жыл бұрын

😚

@susansauls8902

2 жыл бұрын

Very kind and giving of you. I hope you have complete healing as well. God bless you and all here.

This video blew the doors open for me. I lived with shame & blame and thinking I was nuts & an awful person for loathing but desperately needing my mother It all makes sense now & I no longer carry blame.

@kaitlyntriplett4933

6 ай бұрын

it really does. ever since i started realizing it her words don’t carry as much weight anymore. i wasn’t home a lot in highschool bc it was so toxic. now i practically live at my boyfriends house cause i physically can’t be around her anymore. she sickens me

My mother would always say she couldn't wait until I got older so I too could see how miserable it was to age, etc etc. When my mom called for my 40th bday, she said, "so how does it feel to be old and gray now? Now you know how I feel!" It was almost like she was gloating at the fact that I was in fact getting older and couldn't wait to try to rub it in my face. I've grown so much in my confidence and self-awareness over the years to reflect back on my childhood and all I could do was see right through her attempt to try to hurt me. I honestly just feel sad she feels she has to tear me down to make herself feel better.

@loubatts

Жыл бұрын

i hear ya, mine said i'd get paid back when i had kids of my own. that's how she ended her arguments many a time, you'll know what it's like , when you have kids of your own. it always sounded like a curse coming. i would say, i'm not having any. i never did.

"how did this conversation even get here" is literally what I say every time my mother opens her mouth.

@acwilliams1343

3 жыл бұрын

Yes! In my mother’s world, if the topic of conversation isn’t her, then it’s not worth discussing.

@chriscothron3606

3 жыл бұрын

Hell yeah

@user-hg8kp9mj1c

3 жыл бұрын

exactly !

@butterfly7624

3 жыл бұрын

Me too! One time I called my mom to tell her about how a doctor visit went when I got some not so good news. She ends the phone call with 'Thanks for checking up on me."

@colepilovsky6258

3 жыл бұрын

@@butterfly7624 I came out as lesbian when I was dating my now wife. my sister warned me that my coming out would somehow be made about my mother, but I just couldn't believe how it could. the conversation was immediately changed to how I was a horrible daughter for lying for 20 years about "being straight" even though I was not ready to come out previous to this because my mother had told me on numerous occasions that "no child of mine" would be gay. she screamed and berated me for an hour until my very quiet and timid father had to tell her to shut tf up. now if you ask her about it she says none of that ever happened, and that she has accepted from the start and has always known I was gay...

“Wants daughter to be impressed by her sacrifice.”

@iluvknitting1965

2 жыл бұрын

My mother thought I should have a lifetime obligation to her. Amazing.

@bamanda68

2 жыл бұрын

Yes!

@currybase

2 жыл бұрын

@@bamanda68 Aren't mothers/parents SUPPOSED to make some sacrifices when they bring children in to the world?!

@rrn3263

2 жыл бұрын

My cousin once told me that about how she sacrificed for her child. That word/feeling angers me.

@rositawangdahl457

2 жыл бұрын

Its so true

Thank you. I only learned about this in my 50’s. The mother passed in her mid 90’s about 7 years ago. Thankfully I moved 3000 miles away at 21. I managed to learn how to fake being normal long ago. I am very good at it. But here I am in my 70th year and still feeling ashamed of my existence. I have been alone my whole life. And very good at that too. I feel for all of us. Sigh….

@puma5471

Жыл бұрын

So sorry Marcella, please you are not alone. I’m only learning to trust now in my 40s. I confronted my mother this past week and today. A wall

@Gremory70

Жыл бұрын

Hmm...alone, as in no friends like me? My mother controlled me and I came to understand that she was a narcissist in my 30s. She never encouraged for me to have any friends when I was growing up. Actually, she told me that she was my friend, and for many years I believed it. She spoke poorly about my friends, when I had some in high school. Anyhow, the sad part is that I realized as with some women who choose husbands who are like their fathers, I had the horrible knack of finding female friends like her. I am in my early fifties now, and have no friends.

@lilyamongbrambles4458

Жыл бұрын

@@Gremory70 Same here- early fifties and no friends. Hard to trust when we have been abused and let down so much by those closest to us. I am leaning on God to help me heal from this and to pick up the pieces of my life.

@NegativeMass85

Жыл бұрын

Holy cow, this sounds like my story! I'm in my 50s and only just recently started realizing my mother has very strong narc traits -- many of them adeptly described in this video. Like you, I moved 6,000 miles away, aged 27, when I married the first man who'd have me. Predictably, it didn't work out but I have two sons and I'm glad they didn't have to grow up with my mom around. She can be fun at times, but she would have decimated their self-esteem like she obliterated mine. Horrible to look back on the train wreck of your life and realize it didn't need to be like this -- and wonder who you might have been if you'd been loved and respected as a child.

@cc967

Жыл бұрын

I also was in my 50’s before it dawned on me my mother was a narcissist. (I’m in my 60’s.) My mother is 92 and has a wicked tongue. I haven’t had the courage to go no contact and now, my sister is my mother 2.0, so I feel this will never end.

Listening to this really broke my heart...it felt like a stranger knew some of the most embarrassing things that have ever happened to me. I'm in my 60s now, and my mom is in her 80s and I've given up ever having a relationship with her - but my daughter is a very accomplished young woman - I'm so proud of everything about her. I never wanted her to feel like her own mother would put her down or compete with her - or just like her mom didn't like her. No one should have to go through life without a mother who loves them fiercely!

@janetbransdon3742

Жыл бұрын

Hi I am so happy for you to have your beautiful daughter. My mother was never there for me and treated me horribly. The day my daughter was born I was so happy as I finally had a female I could be close to. We have a wonderful loving relationship. I knew what NOT to do from my mother and gave my daughter lots of love, encouragement and respect growing up till present day. Cheers.

@carolnahigian9518

Жыл бұрын

mary N ( my Mothee) had NINE OUT OF NINE,.... yikes!

I realized recently that my mother is a narcissist and I was abandoned emotionally most of my life.

@pagardener2953

3 жыл бұрын

Ditto!

@newmamaful

3 жыл бұрын

You might want to check out Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward.

@karengoldman3343

3 жыл бұрын

all. all of your life. she wasn't there from the beginning...not with love. love is different from narcissistic approval used for their supply. we're all the same in here. how to go on without love from a mother...

@dawnacoxon3111

3 жыл бұрын

@@newmamaful What if they seem to love the siblings.

@newmamaful

3 жыл бұрын

@@dawnacoxon3111 True narcissists, sociopaths, etc don't love. They often treat people well for different reasons (to get supply, to use the person in various ways, etc.). I recommend reading The Sociopath Next Door. It talks about sociopaths, but you will find great similarities between narcissistic people and sociopaths. The book is an eye opener. We are not taught these things in school and what to look out for and we end up learning from experience and often paying a high price.

Honestly it just feels ok reading comments know that I’m not crazy because if I hear “but she’s your mom” one more time I’m gunna lose it🤦🏽‍♂️

@CoolestRedHead

3 жыл бұрын

Man!!!!!!!!

@whoever6458

3 жыл бұрын

Yep. Everyone screws up and there's certain no exemption for parents. If anything, it seems like becoming a parent opens people up to more opportunities to screw up. No human is at all above criticism, particularly when the criticism is simply true.

@Dreamjitsu

3 жыл бұрын

@@whoever6458 yea some people paint the narrative that it’s not ok to give up on your parents but truth be told you are free to give up on any individual that you aren’t collaborating with

@whoever6458

3 жыл бұрын

@@Dreamjitsu When I was in the fire department, a lot of us new people wanted to risk everything to save people but we learned that the right thing to do is to make sure that, while saving others, you don't become another victim in need of help. It's not that you don't care about the people in the situation but if there's a good chance trying to save them will cause you to suffer the same fate, more people will be saved if you rescue those who can be rescued. It's never black and white when you're fighting fire and I think it's even less so when you're talking about human relationships. Sometimes all you can do is wish people well when you can't save them but that means that you will be available to possibly save someone else. This is also something that is done is medicine, particularly when it comes to triage and it's never an easy decision but it's one that sometimes has to be made to save the most number of people. Life sucks like that.

@AD-ve1jt

3 жыл бұрын

True... Why was that nobody told the abusive parents long back dat... "they are your kids"... But always tell the kids dat..."they are your parents"

My mother always treated me like her friend and never respected boundaries. I had to stop talking to her for 2 years for her to understand that I don't want to hear about her sex life. It didn't matter how many times I expressed my discomfort with the topic. We finally started talking again, and she just relayed a message from an ex of mine. I expressed my discomfort with her having an open line of communication with this man 3 years ago. When I explained how upset it made me, she started with the gaslighting, "You're always so angry. Your anger is just below the surface..." She's so exhausting :/

@absinthemindedJ

Жыл бұрын

Might need another 2 yrs. ❤

@debrarolland1704

Жыл бұрын

Sounds right.

I was lucky that my friends recognized what my mom was by the time we turned 13: I knew from their observations I wasn't imagining her behavior. They had wonderful mothers, who provided a role model for nurturing adolescents. Still grateful 4 their support.❤

@isay207

Жыл бұрын

Glad they were there for you

@Platinum907

Жыл бұрын

Wow you’re very fortunate.

@riclee9504

11 ай бұрын

Can I ask what are a few ways she's was a narcissist to you?

@reginafris6822

11 ай бұрын

@@riclee9504 She had her "golden child", didn't respect boundaries, played siblings against each other, very manipulative, constantly judging/criticizing, heavily into keeping up with the Jones', lacked empathy and acknowledgement of her children's needs, gaslighting, always the victim, and puts herself FIRST at all times. Man, I have stories, but they're too long to record here. She did lack a few of the narcissistic traits, tbh; however, there were enough to cause home to feel like an igloo.

@riclee9504

11 ай бұрын

@@reginafris6822 Sounds exactly like my mother. It's crazy how I keep hearing the same stories again and again. I'm glad you're keeping your distance

My mom always calls me an ungrateful child, and I’m literally an adult. She forced me to be an adult my whole life, and now she treats me like a child. All of these things are so relatable

@emmalouie1663

2 жыл бұрын

Narcissistic mothers don't do any proper parenting to children and somehow children are expected to be mature and self-sufficient and then yes the Narcissists also infantilize adults treating adults like incompetent children. It's terrible to have a Narcissistic mother, they basically have an undiagnosed handicap because they are not fit to be parents but most people can't see it. If only Narcissism was as obvious as hoarding is then maybe someone would intervene. My parents did not teach me to ride a bike, I didn't have a bike, they did not teach me to swim, they didn't teach me how to drive. They just didn't do anything. When it came to the parenting they would stare off into space blankly. It's not normal. Now my parents are aging and they have unrealistic hopes and fantasies that I am going to support them somehow. It's sad. My parents have abandoned me so many times. They've gaslighted and manipulated me so much. I'm depressed. I can not see a future at all. Whatever happens to them well it is the nest they made and they can lay in it.

@TinyNerdlette

2 жыл бұрын

Same here x2. I'm sorry you both had to deal with that.

@successfulperson3304

2 жыл бұрын

@@emmalouie1663 Wow you are spot on

@tarawehry7105

2 жыл бұрын

I’m sorry no mother what she is doing is unacceptable.

@leah__gail

2 жыл бұрын

Yep. 💯

My Mom definitely does the “makes every conversation about her”. No matter what problem I may be having, she’s had it, and much worse than me.

@mrsyellow6857

2 жыл бұрын

Same. It’s alway I suffered too or did you know it happen to me in the past too. Weird flex to compare trauma with your daughter mom.....

@dawnmariebooher3269

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, when I was still speaking to my mother... I could call her up and barely get out "hey, how are you Mama" before she took over the conversation. And she could then go on to talk for an hour or longer without letting me get a word in. In fact she would end the conversation without ever even asking or wondering (no self awareness) why I called in the first place. I could literally walk away from the call and come back 30min to an hour later and she is still talking and hasn't even realized I left. This was actually the first sign that I put together for myself when realizing my mother is a Narcissist. But she ticks all 9 boxes and then some.

@thediscustedkitty6348

2 жыл бұрын

This is THE. WORST.

@donnablack6280

2 жыл бұрын

So true. And the bigger problem is I know she's lying. eg: I was hospitalised with a kidney infection recently. Big mistake telling her! She's like "Oh I had that a while ago. Some of the worst pain I ever had." Wow, is this sympathy? Nahh.. "But I managed without seeing a doctor".

@thediscustedkitty6348

2 жыл бұрын

@@donnablack6280 Damn can't even be sick without her competing with you. I just had to ask my mom not to yell at me about being friends with my ex. I told her that I've been struggling with loneliness and don't have a therapist yet. She says I feel the same way. I'm thinking OMG WHY CANT YOU JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY? ITS NOT ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL!

I walked away from my mother, sister and all family 3 years ago. I started pulling away when I finally had a normal relationship with an incredible man who showed me I have value! And my value isn't tied to what I can do for anyone. Just being me...I had always believed that I am just bad, that I no matter how hard I tried I truly was a burden and had ruined my families lives. I lived my life trying to make up for it, doing anything I could to attone for being such a burden. I walked away when I had my daughter and she was in the neonatal intensive care unit. I just wanted my mom to call me and tell me everything thing was gonna be alright. But I was reminded that I had yelled at her and couldn't expect her to be my mom when I treated her like that. My daughter is turning 4 in October and my mom never met her. She passed away just before Thanksgiving 2021 and though I tried multiple time to set boundaries so we could be a family, we never had a relationship again. My heart breaks for the little girl I was wondering why not me why am Iso bad. The 19 year old that got married just so I could have a baby who would love me. I am so grateful that I was able to get through this and have found a incredible man who jumped through all my hoops, and boundaries any triggers, to help me heal. He showed me how I should be loved. And I'm doing everything I can to not be her. To love my Children the right way! God has a plan and we survived this for a reason. I love and miss my mom. She had her demons (severe child abuse from birth to removal at age 3) and I am slowly finding forgiveness for us both.

“Counceling…………To build confidence in the validity of their own feelings.” That’s exactly what my therapist helped me to do. Great advice!

I was 61 before I realized I loved my mother more than she ever loved me.

@danielem0007

3 жыл бұрын

i was almost 65

@ecb1979

3 жыл бұрын

Just remember that this is not either of your fault 💕

@wednesday3561

3 жыл бұрын

I'm 33 and have realized 💔 very painful

@melissaammeter9112

3 жыл бұрын

😞😞😞🤍

@nancidavis5887

3 жыл бұрын

I was 50..... WOW.

A narcissistic mother is not a mother. I went no contact with mine almost two years. Best decision of my life.

@lisabowden402

2 жыл бұрын

For sure!

@lakeishaalston264

Жыл бұрын

Yes!!

@shahidahgrant1720

Жыл бұрын

I'm about to do the same

@jewell1956

Жыл бұрын

Amen to that!

@jewell1956

Жыл бұрын

I call the person who gave birth to my by her legal name. She didn't earn the title of mother

This really hit me! I work in Mental Health. I'm 58 and still struggling with my Narcissistic Mother...it's extremely difficult.

@nikicarrie4071

Жыл бұрын

It is . I wish we had a place we could all live in a safe community 🙏🏽 together ❤️ and love each other

@Platinum907

Жыл бұрын

I wouldn’t deal with her.

@jcc6789

4 ай бұрын

What do u keep contact with such toxicity?

@bluetulisia3

Ай бұрын

Mine died last summer. I'm healing.

Painful to hear because it's spot on true. Often, gaslighting from minion siblings accompanies the narcissistic mother's treatment adding so much complexity and confusion that it prevents the daughter from removing herself from the situation to start a new life without family, especially a large enmeshed one. Your video clearly confirmed it all with added awareness. Deeply appreciated.

@MexAm120902

Жыл бұрын

The minion siblings...yes...so destructive...mine would do my mom's dirty work for her when she didn't want to be associated with her actions.

With a narcissist mother and father, 80% of my inner dialogue wasn’t mine. It’s been a very difficult journey to weed out their lies from my own voice. 💔

@elisamerva4911

4 жыл бұрын

true.

@ballulee6629

4 жыл бұрын

Yes, I didn’t see how bad my life was until I went away for college

@Candy-fe4sb

4 жыл бұрын

I like how you worded that

@m00nrac00n

4 жыл бұрын

@@ballulee6629 THIS. You often dont notice until you spend time with people who are much more carefree, outgoing and happy. And you think "Oh, so thats actually how it should be ?" Its a sad awakening.

@Catherine_Kate

4 жыл бұрын

Wish you the very BEST ❤️

1. Diverting the conversation to themselves. 2. Competing with the daughter 3. Making the daughter feel as if the daughter is a burden and really should have never been born in the first place. 4. A failure to protect the daughter from another harmful individual 5. emotional unavailability 6. Being controlling and manipulative 7. the idea of a debt that cannot be repaid (My sacrifice cannot be repaid by the daughter) 8. giving approval or love as a reward 9. boundary violations Oh, my...do you know my mother? I suffer from the idea this never ends even if I died. I have not seen her for several years, but I can still hear her giggling voice. People easily say, "You will understand your mother as time goes by." As I get older, I get to realize how cruel and distorted she is.

@Gritan721

4 жыл бұрын

This is 100% my mother. Unfortunately there is no escape from her as I can't afford to live on my own.

@BLane-xr1ic

4 жыл бұрын

@@Gritan721 Learn to protect yourself and care less about them. You have to be selfish. When she starts, learn to talk to yourself in your head and tell yourself she is not right in the head and will never change. Nothing you say will change how she feels. Just say sorry you feel that way all the time. Never question yourself. Keep the peace until you can leave. I feel so bad for you. Dont become a people pleaser, be very careful who you choose for a relationship, you will be vulnerable to the wolves from a constant need to please.

@backhome2652

4 жыл бұрын

And infantisation of an adult child or children...how many people die and third parents are praised because of all the " care they gave " or " victimisation" they put up with ...God forgive the evil , evil people who are worse than most other murderers

@shaycs1

4 жыл бұрын

yep that's my mom and i'm in the daughter

@eeaotly

4 жыл бұрын

@Persona non grata She can't afford to live onher own. Therefore she can't afford counselling. Believe me, the best counsel she can ever receive is the key to a new house, a house of her own.

I know if I abandon my mother at 74 I’ll be looked at as such a horrible person but I’ve endured and struggled my entire life through her criticisms, snide comments, being downgraded by a cold mother I’ve always tried to please and used to drive myself crazy trying to please her. At 38 I stopped trying so hard but the pain is still there due to not being able to have a relationship or even a conversation. Forget having a mom that I could discuss having a problem with. I see friends who are daughters having such foreign but loving relationships with their moms and enjoying their lives together that I am not even able to relate to them. And I can’t explain it to them because they don’t have a point of reference.

@SweetHomeOregonSasquatch

Жыл бұрын

I believe if she didn't love and nurture you, you don't have to love and nurture her.

@loubatts

Жыл бұрын

i know what you mean.

@BreeCrutch

11 ай бұрын

I just went no-contact on my 78yo mother. Let the rest of her kids take care of her. I'm done.

This was my mother, 100% She died 4 years ago but I still have nightmares about her where I wake up screaming.. She was one of the cruelest people I've ever known and I don't miss her one bit. I would call her on Christmas, Mother's Day and her birthday, to check in with cordial conversation, but stopped confiding anything in her once I stopped seeing her in 2011 and It saved my life. She did everything on that list, and more. When I was real young she'd tell me how much she wished I was dead. She'd give me the silent treatment for DAYS and when I'd ask what was wrong she'd say "you know." I had no idea! I was absolutely terrified of that woman. When I was in college she suddenly got rid of my kitty I'd had for 7 years, she slept with my then fiance. She pitted my younger siblings against my dad. Physical pain is nothing compared to that torturous existence, although she used corporal punishment too. You simply did not exist, unless she was barking orders. Forget about going to her with a problem. Those people with narcissistic disorders are extremely dangerous. They may not harm you physically, but they'll hurt you till you try to end your own life to escape that torment.

@raziakhan2619

Жыл бұрын

🤗🤗🤗

@ponygirlusa

Жыл бұрын

@@raziakhan2619 🤗❣️

My mother. I asked her to come to one of my therapy sessions with me so that we could work on our relationship, and her immediate response was "What did you tell your therapist about me?"

@newmamaful

3 жыл бұрын

You might want to check out Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward

@sophiasophista6609

3 жыл бұрын

yeah, that would be my mother. or what are the neighbours going to think about me. "Dont cry that loud, what are the neighbours going to say"

@TheRenegadeStarr

3 жыл бұрын

I think that’s a sign that your therapy is for you, not for both of you.

@homesetup506

3 жыл бұрын

I’m sorry ❤️

@xKandytheFolt

3 жыл бұрын

Holy shit my mom always says something similar when I mention having had a therapy session or seen my ally (a trusted adult, around her age)."Did you tell them how horrible I am? That I'm a bad mom?" etc.

Interesting. I never realized my mom was narcissistic. I just knew her love was conditional, she invaded my space as a child (esp. teenage years), controlled all aspects of my life, never apologized for anything, and used shame as a weapon. lol

@Jusyna24071981

2 жыл бұрын

+1 :(

@joannmangieri7670

2 жыл бұрын

Same situation

@rowantic6539

2 жыл бұрын

Same

@encouragingword799

2 жыл бұрын

I understand! I thought I was just inherently defective, my whole life.

@morpheuszzz662

2 жыл бұрын

@@encouragingword799 I can guarantee you are not inherently defective. 🥰 (It takes some time to believe that, though, doesn't it?)

My girlfriend was raised by a narcissistic mother and it's had a profound effect on our relationship. We have been together for 4.5 years and we're trying to work through it! Thank goodness for therapy!

I'm male; not female. It sounds like you're hitting almost every nail directly on the head when it comes to describing the way that my father was towards me, such as competitive; claiming that I was somehow spoiling his life; and on and on. Finally, I'm finding someone who is talking about narcissism who I can really connect with me regarding the relationship that I had with my father.

My mum is a bit narcissistic with a low iq and is easily frustrated and can lash out and be very abusive. She loves to gaslight and be very cold . She loves to act like she nice and perfect to other people.

@Itsjuschev

4 жыл бұрын

Whew you just describe my mom

@trinadagriff1140

4 жыл бұрын

Does she know my mom? Like do they have a book club and hang out, talk about narc shit to do to their kids? They sound like twins!

@bostonostricki5031

4 жыл бұрын

My mom should join that hang out too if there's a spot open

@piercedprincess6669

4 жыл бұрын

Wow that's my mom

@lavenderscent2334

4 жыл бұрын

You describe my dad lol

Both my parents are narcissistic and I didn't notice until adulthood that neither of them ever apologized FOR ANYTHING EVER. Not one time my entire life! Anyone else experience this.

@Tygafttf

2 жыл бұрын

And the thing is they probably never apologized to anyone else in their lives too like ask them to name one instance, they cant

@anailic3677

2 жыл бұрын

Oh, yeah....

@annmariemazzotta2495

2 жыл бұрын

My son and his wife both narsasist they control my poor grand kids I am suffering so much, I don’t know what to do, they are 5 and half and I see the sign and of abuse ,my granddaughter was scratching her arm one of my visit and I ask her why she is doing that, I notice that the girl is an emphatic and mother and father narsasist please help me with ur advice .

@munchiekins

2 жыл бұрын

@@annmariemazzotta2495 maybe you can find family therapy so at least a professional can assess what is going on and will have the resources to help you

@kathleenmorrison8450

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, me too!

Diverting the conversation back to herself, competing with the daughter, making daughter feel like a burden, not defending the daughter, being emotionally unavailable and invalidating the daughter's emotions, blowing things daughter did out of proportion, needing for daughter to feel impressed by her, offering only conditional love, violating boundaries, and gossiping about daughter with judgment. Saw them all.

Healing from my childhood trauma has been a double-edged sword for me. It has taken years of therapy to understand family narcissism and its effects on me. I have low contact with my parents but, even more alienating, my entire family. I still sometimes struggle with being the black sheep now, even though I was always the scapegoat. To my entirely unhealed family, I am the unhealthy weirdo. It's like living in an alternate reality. I wonder if we ever completely let go of our familial programming.

I'm 60 years old and I'm still dealing with the damage my narcissist mother caused.

@jabbermocky4520

4 жыл бұрын

If she is still living and you remain in contact with her the abuse will continue. They only get nastier and more desperate as they age and face inevitable death. I have survived severe narcissistic abuse, too, which started from infancy and continues as long as I allow the disordered mother to invade my life. She is 83 now and absolutely out of control at the holidays. Sadistic people never change. Take care of yourself, please.

@amanitamuscaria7500

4 жыл бұрын

65 and still dealing....sigh

@loribrown9204

4 жыл бұрын

I too am 60yrs old and have been no contact for 4mos now. Will be in therapy for major depressive disorder for a long time but still best time of my life!

@Kittiesdawn

4 жыл бұрын

T. Rex ..same here...she wrecked me..been housebound for 30 years from the trauma. Took my life away.

@susanrhodes5681

4 жыл бұрын

56 and went no contact 30 years ago. Probably spent 100K on therapy over the years. She not only allowed all family members to abuse me sexually. She did all the other thing mentioned in this vid. I found forgiving was the best thing I could do. I was crushed when she died at 84 realizing, we would never have a full discussion of what she did to damage me. My therapist that does family counseling he's in his early 60's said he has never heard a story like mine. These wicked people thrive on their devastating effects. To heal is the BEST response because it takes away their power!

My mother: ''The ONLY mistake I made in all of my life was having children! I gave ALL my dreams up to raise you! HA! I can't wait for you to have kids of your own so I can watch them ruin your life!!!'' .....Also my mother: ''What do you mean you're never giving me any grand-kids???!!! *EPIC SHOCK*

@javierlandry7246

4 жыл бұрын

SO MUCH ME!! Blaming for existing and blaiming for not making her a grandma😲

@marloh967

4 жыл бұрын

Omg thats me I made the decision to not have kids after hearing about how horrible it was to raise me. And how horrible my kids will be and how I almost killed her in child birth and nobody in the world had labor as bad as her and at same time I get guilt trip she never have grand kid. Ohhhh if she did u can't call her grandmother because that sounds old. It got to be noni. Omg never having kids so she can't throw in my face that I'm a bad mother I'd go crazy Cray for sure if had to listen to it.

@amandalee714

4 жыл бұрын

Kate D daaaaamn sounds just like my mother

@oompaloompa9139

4 жыл бұрын

Oh my apparently there are quite a few of those types out there. WHY are their children, oops i mean victims, being silenced? Where's a mother's day card and movie for THAT type of a freak?

@QCDoggies

4 жыл бұрын

Same here, exactly!

Thank you so much for this- I understood my mother was a narcissist when she was in her 90s and still occasionally violent towards me. She had had a tough childhood and was an old lady. I nursed her until she died I accepted she never truly loved me and I now live a happy life. I have a great relationship with my children and have broken the cycle. It’s very sad that some people never get to understand what is going on. She lived with me and I used ‘grey rock’ as much as I could. I made myself uninteresting to her and kept out of her way. I was an only child and my father died when I was 17, it was impossible to make her happy. A narcissist is a bucket with a hole in the bottom what ever you do is not enough. Realising that it is not your fault is so so liberating. Thanks again

After all these years of my life, finally someone explains it simply and hits the nail on the head what I went through in my family; what I have tried to make sense out of, and move past. It's painful. Especially when you know you're not the only one, yet you feel alone in the process.

@Malaya880

Жыл бұрын

Omg you hit the nail on the head : it’s so great to know you are not alone, but yet we feel so freaking alone (and for me crazy) in the process. Thanks for sharing.

Jeez, I'm looking through the comment section and I could've written most of these comments. So sad to think there are so many people struggling with this.

@agataa.5871

3 жыл бұрын

Go to reddit and type r/ raisedbynascissists . There are millions

I am a retired clinical psychologist. Your discourse on narcissistic mothers was excellent.

My mother reminds me of an abuser in the sense that I never knew what I was going to get as a child (or who she would be from one day to the next). Walking on eggshells was an understatement. I never knew when she was going to take everything out on me. As an adult, things are still volatile, with her reminding me daily how much I’m a burden, controlling, manipulating and even criticizing my appearance. People love my mother, she puts on a total facade. They don’t know how she really is. It’s sad.

@loubatts

Жыл бұрын

i went thru the exact same thing. it's so hard.

When I started to question my mother's behaviors towards me and started standing up for myself six years ago, our relationship went downhill. I was thoroughly convinced by her and my other enabling family members that I was insane and my self-esteem and mental health spiraled. I thought I was going crazy. Perhaps I was socially incompetent to realize the mistakes I was making or had memory problems because I couldn't remember certain events playing out the way she described. I hide in my room, avoid family get-togethers, hang out at a trusted friend's house for days, and refuse to tell anyone about the relationship I have with my family (I can't trust anyone, I don't want others to feel sorry for me, my situation will get worse if my mom finds out, etc.). I think I may be the emotional scapegoat of the family while my little sister is the favorite before my brother. I get called very mean names and swear words, I've been threatened to be kicked out (and actually was one time for trying to defend myself), there's no emotional support, I'm gaslit constantly and always questioning my judgment, I'm always getting criticized for petty things, Ive been victim blamed and told that I deserved to be abused, been encouraged to do horrible things to myself, and not taken seriously or called an attention seeker when I have thoughts of wanting to not exist anymore. I'm anonymous here, so it doesn't matter if I share or not. I have to lie to her to stay out of trouble (if she asks me if she did something wrong, I have to say no because if I tell her my feelings and express criticism, she explodes at me. Not worth the emotional stress) and I try to solve all my problems by myself. She also feels like she isn't appreciated enough (we thank her all the time), got mad at me when I said I didn't have a childhood hero, and thinks I owe her fancy presents and vacations for all that she's done for me as a kid after I get my electrical engineering degree. The guilt tripping is horrible and I'm not allowed to make my own choices. If I don't do what she wants, it ends badly. It's gotten so bad (and I've met other people like her who have done the same things to me in the past (I didn't know what they were doing was wrong)) that I struggle to value my own opinions and constantly ask others what they think so I don't do the wrong thing and get punished. It's exhausting. After reading these narcissistic signs on this and other videos, all of these things describe my mother to a T. She's not a bad mother, she just does bad things and I don't like how she makes me feel. She doesn't want help and calls me the crazy one, but after hearing what happened to her during childhood, I wouldn't be surprised if something more is up. I want to cut all communication with her and the rest of my family when I move out, but I know she'll blow a fuse and keep trying to guilt me into coming back. I thought I was the problem and just didn't see it (I've been in a lot of toxic relationships that were scarier similar to the one with my mother and had no idea they were dangerous). I don't know if my mom is a narc since she doesn't have a diagnosis, but if she *really* is, I think I'm in denial. If I really am a victim of narcissistic abuse, it feels weird (is this what shame feels like?). I don't understand how people can talk about this stuff so freely on social media and treat it like it's quirky. Aren't they scared of their abuser finding out? What if they get judged? Why would they want people to know in the first place and make themselves being a victim their whole personality? I'm not sure if anyone will read this. It's a lot of stuff and I just wanted to get my thoughts out. I'm happy I found this video.

@leevis333

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing - I read it and can relate to so much of what you have been through. Well done for recognizing what has been going on. I'm so sorry you went through that - you deserve so much better. What's helped me is realizing the way my mother treated me - it wasn't about me - I was and am deserving of love, she just wasn't able to give it in the genuine sense. She had a need for a "scapegoat" child to project onto. For years as an adult I was drawn to people who criticized me and weren't there for me, I would try to win their approval....I've now learnt my worth and if someone lets me down or isn't kind and respectful (whether family, friends or a partner), I recognize it's not about me - it's their own issues, and I set necessary boundaries. Healthy, reciprocal, respectful relationships are possible! You're a survivor now rather than a victim - you've got this 💕

@leevis333

Жыл бұрын

Also a good therapist can really help too - or find a supportive friend who you can trust who gets it so you can confide in them - that really helps, especially when others sometimes don't understand and make excuses for the narcissistic parent's behavior. A lot of people don't get it if they haven't experienced narcissistic abuse and it can make you feel worse to open up to someone who doesn't understand

Жыл бұрын

wow i feel the same! i cannot write much because i'm not incognito :D but i think my mother doesn't know enough english anyway.. and i hope none of the people i know reads this.. i like to keep my emotions for myself (which is not good because i cannot visit a therapist and speek openly, not even with my boyfriend).i was experiencing almost everything you described while i was living with her. she wasn't telling me i'm stupid and worthless (tho i think so), but she sure told me million times that i'm ungrateful for everything she does for me and how she is sacrifising her life for me. only thing that saved us was me going away for a highschool ( i was 15), tho i had to endure weekends at 'home'. if i didn't spend some time away i would end up killing her or myself, it was sooo close few times but luckily i've learnt to count to ten and become apatic so i could handle stress :D and i often can't believe i'm still here. anyway i'm- haha- 28 in two days, living in different country and visiting mother like, on average, two times a year i would say, for few days max and we are able to have quite normal conversations now. but i'm still a mess, unable to trust people and feeling lonely and worthless, uncertain, and so on.. cannot connect properly with my boyfriend, i have no idea how love is supposed to feel and how healthy relationship looks (i was living just with my mother alone and father i haven't been spending much time with) and i cannot speak about it with her.. but the good part is that i tried to be the opposite of her so i don't mind that much what other people think of me and i know what is important in life so i don't argue over trivial bullshit. but if i found out about the vulnerable narcissist while still living with her it might have made my and her life better, i would know sooner how to deal with her and avoid some situations (she even made a therapist to loose his temper and yell at her :D now after years that's very funny to me). hope you can get away, you're strong enough to do it, that's the best advice i can provide :) lol i wrote too much

@lilyamongbrambles4458

Жыл бұрын

Yes, standing up for yourself and setting boundaries will cause them to severely punish you. I am going through this right now and am trying to take my hurt and anger to God and just keep my mouth shut and let her have her way otherwise there is hell to pay and I just end up feeling guilty. It really is a no win situation. I feel your pain.

@Omneyvdwatering

Жыл бұрын

I read your whole story. I recognised quite a lot of things you mentioned. You are valid. Your feelings and emotions are valid. I hope you manage to move out swiftly and when you're ready for it, find some help to become at peace with this.

My father’s favourite saying was “ Don’t upset your mother “ I thought it was because he didn’t like seeing her upset I now realise it was the complete opposite He didn’t want to deal with her rage and temper tantrums Xx I can now add this information to my last posting 2 months ago I moved over 300 miles away from my mother to begin a new life that didn’t involve her And honestly it’s the best decision I’ve ever made ,no longer do I have the weight of my childhood on my shoulders I’m 61yrs old and live on my own as I kept making bad choices in the men I choose and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been Xx

@Pottawattamie

3 жыл бұрын

Or wanted to protect you from it.

@Pottawattamie

2 жыл бұрын

@Amanda R Love/hate relationships are really narcissistic I think both battling for power over the other with the narcissistic partner more dominant obviously. Nothing you can do but get out of there and leave them to it or you can look at who is the narcissist and side with the other. They hide it in front of other people so you have to be smart with this do it so they don't realise it if that's possible.

@Pottawattamie

2 жыл бұрын

People don't really understand narcissistic rage but think about the saying IF looks could kill!

@harrylutz7321

2 жыл бұрын

I used to hear that too,as the crazy I called mom beat the h ll out of me,many times daddy would join in as they slammed my head into concrete flooring! Good times☹️

@mialeonard1838

2 жыл бұрын

@@harrylutz7321 omg nooo!!! Wtf is wrong with people

Putting a daughter down in front of others... Felt this one in every fiber of my being. You bet it causes problems. Resentment, poor self esteem, fear.. I could go on and on. Just makes me angry writing this.

@SumAnonymousAcapella

3 жыл бұрын

They tend to put you down to make them feel better. I always say i would rather a stranger tear me down, Than a mom. Because a mom is not supposed to be that way.

@pin82win8

3 жыл бұрын

Same! Public Humiliation is my Mother's best skill. Stuffing down the anger just creates blow ups, and addressing the situation causes extreme drama. Can't win.

@mf3518

3 жыл бұрын

:( sams

@candylove49

3 жыл бұрын

Romanticide SAME WITH ME! I literally cater to her every desire, and rarely if ever told her no; while my brother treats her like crap and does nothing.

@nesadcruz7840

3 жыл бұрын

Romanticide Is your Bro the Golden child? Sounds like you are the Scapegoat

The day my narcissist mother died was such a relief that I didn’t have to be afraid of her criticism anymore….so sad but so liberating.

@andreah6379

Жыл бұрын

As the doc mentioned, for me, I knew when I was very young that the problem my mom had was HERS! not mine. I don't know what it was about me that I found sooo much strength in being independent. Breaking away was my answer. I couldn't do what you did. I would have gone crazy. Cutting all ties & finding my way was freedom for me. I hope you found happiness you didn't have with mom. Life is too short, yes?

@kymfjohnson1

7 күн бұрын

I will be relieved when mine goes too, but she just might be mean and nasty enough to live several more years.

I tried to discuss my son's autism diagnosis with my mum, and the conversation somehow kept coming back to her and how much she will support my son (she moved back to the Caribbean in 2017 and we were no contact for about 3 years before that). I was in tears discussing my concerns as a single mother with little support, and she kept harping on about herself! I should've known...

@sugarpuff2978

Жыл бұрын

I got diagnosed with Autism about two years ago in my forties. I told my Mum when I was diagnosed but she's never mentioned it since to me. She didn't even tell my brother about my diagnosis. My Mums excuse the whole time is "Well I don't understand it". It doesn't matter what anything is about she just knows nothing about anything. It's very very hard to talk to her about anything because it's like talking to a rock.

@mojowasabi8823

Жыл бұрын

I mean, thats sounds like she was trying to tell you that she would be supportive

@Age_Of_Aquarius84

Жыл бұрын

@MoJo Wasabi what would've been helpful would be to let me share my feelings and then offer me some kind of comfort. Empty promises of supporting me when she lives 9,000+ miles away and visits twice a year is disingenuous. How can she actually help out when she's not physically (or emotionally) present? I'm guessing you never had a narcissistic mother? Their words and actions rarely ever align. And they talk a good game, but that's all it is, talk.

I recognize and have experienced all of these. She capped it off by saying, "Don't you dare grow up and go to some counselor and blame me for all your problems." That told me she knew exactly what she was doing. And she did it anyway.

@annaeverette8960

2 жыл бұрын

I think mine got legitimately scared when I began seeing a therapist -- I was suddenly able to do things she would normally instantly forbid (sleepovers etc).

@olivija6991

2 жыл бұрын

😭😭😭😭

@morpheuszzz662

2 жыл бұрын

Because again, with narcissists it is all about them. How dare we even think of making them look bad; right? "What will people say?"

@andersonpd1207

2 жыл бұрын

I had forgotten it until years later, probably because of the drinking. At 10 my parents divorced and my mom's side was into bootlegging whiskey, then liquor stores so I started drinking at 10 and was a sad friendless drunk by 15. I didn't have friends my age for many reasons but mostly because after the divorce my mom used me as bait to grab a new husband, and I in my naiveté thought this was normal and my mom was just my best, (smarter, prettier) friend. Within the year she said at a huge family Christmas dinner she and Rayford were getting married. I was 11 and this was the first I heard of it. When we got back to our home I asked her why she and dad couldn't stay together and well that pissed her off that I didn't realize dad was never around ( he provided well and worked 60-70 hours a week). I said why do you have to marry Rayford? She snidely said because I like sex and don't want to be the town slut. I crossed my arms as tears welled up in my eyes and I said then I'm never getting married. She looked at me very hateful and said "No, you'll probably just shack up with the first guy that will have you". I went to my room crying, but I never cried again even when she or Rayford would beat the hell out of me I would just turn and look at them and say something like "are you done?" or "is that all?' and walk off. I'm 58 now, I never even heard the word narcissist until probably in my 30s, I was in 2 abusive marriages and haven't even dated since 2009. I hope this doesn't sound stupid, but I think my mom is a narcissist. I used to think it was me, that I was stupid and not that attractive, but now looking back I think she is either just hates me or she is a narcissist.

@Nectarine333

2 жыл бұрын

Mine said the same thing to me

It's scary when you realize you are guilty of doing some of these things. Having a narcissistic mother myself, it's scares me to think that I might become like her. She is the person I've always strived not to become.

@lavonnealexander6936

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, this why I am pushing my brothers out of house.

@musikafossora

3 жыл бұрын

I feel this way too. I’m worried that I’ll end up like her someday.

@hollymazillius2378

3 жыл бұрын

Me too, I'm absolutely terrified of becoming like her. And I really hate myself when I find myself acting like her (if I'm even aware of it, which s lot of the time, I'm not), even the positive or benign things like turns of phrase make me scared and hate myself. It's so hard to know what to do when you don't have a strong sense of who you are, because you're still so mentally embroiled in that relationship.

@beforgiven9055

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, we do what we hate. The only way to overcome evil is with good: we must forgive, or we'll end up being what we hate.

@oscillatewildly88

3 жыл бұрын

I know exactly what you mean and I feel the same. We need positive, strong female role models.

My sisters and I were sexually abused by an older adopted brother (who was very likely abused himself as he came from Asian orphanage and it is common there). But my parents didn’t believe us. Nothing was done. We never got help. It was all swept under the rug - heaven forbid anyone see our family could look anything less than perfect. We felt so betrayed by them, esp by our mother. When I had my girl I started talking to her about safe touch and unsafe touch at age 2. I didn’t want her to be fearful of people but I wanted her to know what was ok & what was not and who are safe people she could tell if anything did happen. They say over 80% of SA is done by family members or a close trusted family friend. We had no privacy - no headphones, no closed doors, they read my diary and used it against me. We learned early on that we couldn’t talk to them about anything or it would get turned back on us. They were very manipulative. I think their hearts were in the right place at least initially. But they really damaged us kids and most of us moved out early and angry. I moved out at age 15. I vowed to be different with my girl. I am fiercely protective of her and have sought much healing and growth for myself (and for my daughter as I know I damaged her due to being triggered. We both went to counseling). Books that were very helpful for my healing was “the mom factor”, “boundaries” and “raising great kids” by Drs Henry Cloud & John Townsend. Also all the Brene Brown books I’ve read so far (6 books)

@wendyladybug355laurie4

Жыл бұрын

YES - THE WHOLE THEY DELIBERATELY GET YOU IN A MOMENT WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD TALK, YOU LET UR GUARD DOWN & CONFIDE IN THEM & YES- TWISTED & THROWN IN YOUR FACE!!!! MANY PRAYERSNLUV 👼👼💝💝🙏🙏🕊️🕊️🌹🌹✝️✝️

@AFBudgets

Жыл бұрын

I was also not allowed ANY privacy. That means NO closes doors. Bedroom or bathroom.

@mymail1938

Жыл бұрын

I am so sorry for what you went through. I respect how you fought for your daughter for her to be safe. No parent is perfect, but it sounds like you're doing a great job. God bless you and your daughter.

This was such a bullseye description of my mom and dad. Their cruelty ruined my health and my life. I won’t shed a tear when they pass away.

I went zero contact. The mental and verbal abuse was to much. Healing and moving on is the best thing ever.

@DrogoBaggins987

4 жыл бұрын

Congratulations! No contact is the way to go. When I stood up for myself just a little bit and tried to define my space my narc parent went nuts and turned the whole family and family friends against me. I had to fold or cut my losses and walk away from all of them. It was like a Mel Gibson torture scene over nothing. I was going to contact some of my family who weren't so bad but I did some reading and learned about flying monkeys and stayed away. I didn't start out saying that I would never talk to any of them again but it has turned out to be the best thing I have ever done.

@EyeWYT

4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for a great video! From my personal experience, it has helped my healing process to distance myself from my narcissistic mother (limit my exposure) and set boundaries (which she hates!). 😂 But if I can’t avoid her - I try not to react. If she gets no reaction, she gains no satisfaction and will find someone new to inflict her mind games and torture.

@jenniferloewenstein3538

4 жыл бұрын

I don’t believe we can ever entirely “move on”. We can’t pretend away our past. I think that’s why we continue to struggle into old age. But at least we’re trying!

@lisabfaber

4 жыл бұрын

Me too, saving yourself is important once you finally understand a person is emotionally drowning you

@mimi7434

4 жыл бұрын

I am so scared of moving out and moving away. I am disabled with different illnesses sometimes it's not possible for me to get out of the bed. But I don't think I can continue to take this abuse anymore. I'm starting to not like her on the verge of hate. I can't keep going like this so I know I'm going to have to leave just afraid that if I do I'm going to need help and she unfortunately is the only help I have..

“I just don’t understand you. How could you possibly be MY daughter?! I was never like you! Sometimes I wonder where you came from.” --mom

@mehitabel1290

3 жыл бұрын

"I was never like you! I was X, Y and Z (all good and admirable)... I was.... I thought... I achieved.. I liked.. I would... Me, me, me, me , ME!!"

@cassandrajoy1113

3 жыл бұрын

That is....verbatim! Holy cow!

@angieholt736

3 жыл бұрын

@@cassandrajoy1113 ditto

@erikawoods8975

3 жыл бұрын

😞

@LorenaMartinez-gs4fe

3 жыл бұрын

Yeah , she never understands shit because she didn’t go through that so can’t understand.

Wow...you made me cry. I guess I'll never get over the feelings of abandonment, hurt, etc. I ceased contact with my mother. On her death bed she told me what a failure my children and I are. I walked away in tears and disbelief. Believe me, we are not failures. I am proud of my children and they have my unconditional love. I learnt from my mother what not to do as a mother. She was a good woman, but not a good mother to me. The hurt never goes away. I always said that if your own mother can't love you, then how can anyone else?

The one thing that has helped me come to terms with my narcissistic mother is time. Coming to the conclusion that my mother is the problem and at 72 she will not change. At this point in my life, all I can control is how I react to her shenanigans and setting non-negotiable boundaries in our relationship. My own conscience will always be clear once she passes away. I hope this may help someone dealing with this type of abuse. It's NOT you. Giving yourself grace is not easy coming from a narcissistic mother but you deserve happiness, peace, and love! ❤

I finally stopped trying to win or earn my mothers love! Oh the freedom! This curse ends through me. My daughter is a kind and beautiful Angel. I am honored To be your mom Vanessa 💋

@corrijackson

2 жыл бұрын

I learned to late in life

@ChildofGod2890

2 жыл бұрын

Me too and I minimized contact with her. I feel more peaceful.

@bobbyneal8913

2 жыл бұрын

Tm- I learned mom was top of the chain, as I grew up and Became a nurse. I reasoned that I could te raise my inner little girl. My relationship with my own daughter is really great and I feel a lot better about myself and my own journey. The toxicity and denial was taken by Mom's dementia. My daughter and I are very close and mutually respectful. It's a blessing from God.

@pennypixie1085

2 жыл бұрын

I always take care of my mother like buying her food and making sure she’s okay. Well for Mother’s Day she didn’t even as much as call me. My mother is a piece of work. I always wanted a loving mother and I think the lack played a huge role in my life unfortunately 😞.

@tj2004i

2 жыл бұрын

👏👏

My life makes so much sense now. My mother is 100% narcasstic. I've felt crazy for a long time. It all makes sense now.

@jackiep5009

2 жыл бұрын

This is my story too. At 40 yeara old someone suggested I look into NPD with regards to my troubles with my mo.. it was a huge lightbulb moment.

@jessimar74

2 жыл бұрын

I realized this about my mother when I was 44. This realization happened overnight and I'm very grateful for it because I finally started healing and I no longer felt a victim, constantly trying to get her love and approval. Now I know she's wrong and I feel empowered and finally about to move out of her house.

@katiec6828

2 жыл бұрын

I remember how empowering it was for me when I realized my mom was a narcissist. It was truly life changing and gave me the tools/confidence to deal with her in a much healthier way!

@justanamerican3007

2 жыл бұрын

At almost 55 and looking forward to meeting my mother in court next year because she is suing me…..I am finally realizing our relationship was toxic. I lived in a different state for over 2 decades and only connected over the phone. I invited her to come live with me so I could care for her in her old age. Day three we were transported back to our childhood behaviors…..me avoiding and hiding, her attacking, shaming, guilting, passive aggressiveness, extreme neediness, constant craziness and tension. When she gave her ultimatum and attacked my grown daughter and forced me to choose between them……I chose no contact. Now she is suing me. But these last 2 weeks I have finally realized I am not the crazy one.

@tabularasa3269

Жыл бұрын

My mother may have been a victim to it from my Nan. From what I understand a person may in fact be crazy while living through stuff like that and may be left with a degree of crazy and pain. I don't know if people can truly overcome it, obviously it varies in degree. I don't know how much is due to her own temperament and how much is due to her upbringing, but she's not in a good way.

it's incredible how you perfectly summed up what my sister and i dealt with for so many years. i am seeing a therapist now who is helping me to retrain my brain to acknowledge my mother's behaviors and tactics and how to simply not left it effect me anymore. this has been a thing in my family for generations and it's ending with my sister and i. thank you for explaining narcissitic mothers so perfectly and for being a voice for those of us who had to endure them ❤

And we are all here trying to heal ❤ we all got this!

Having a narcissistic mother is definitely a challenging childhood to get over 🤔

@anonymousanomaly9538

4 жыл бұрын

I think the only real challenge is not understanding due to gaslighting. Once awake, DONE. Done playing games.

@meera2531

4 жыл бұрын

@@anonymousanomaly9538 I agree...it helps to have a good other parent and good healthy friends and extended family. But it can still take a long time to realise, especially for children of covert narcs and the pain of bad relationships due to its unhealthy shadow until one does can be tough. Saddest is for the golden children I think who don't quite get why their family is kind of broken.

@Spaceseeker

4 жыл бұрын

Problem is the challenge isn't over when you are an adult. I am 56 and still have little peace from my mother.

@meera2531

4 жыл бұрын

@@Spaceseeker please try these tips... 1. Go low contact and emotionally detach. 2. Learn to stop giving fuel to the narcissist. Fuel means paying any heed/ attention, giving any emotional reaction/ response, rescuing them for small things, making decisions in any way related to their actions or words or in some way to spite them or placate them, or dulling one's own shine to accommodate them and not trigger their insecurities or rage etc. Also keeping the children divided gives them much Narcissistic supply/ fuel, so one must be open to reconciling with siblings, but not chase them and keep one's self respect, unless they're Narcissistic then don't bother. 3. We need to make them irrelevant in our lives. That's the best response. 4. It's important to know, nourish and live one's truth. It's important to realise they are broken, unhappy and disordered people. They do not even love themselves. 5. It's important to learn to self-love, self-trust, self-value, self-approve, self-care, self-protect and self-define. The first and second point are the most important for peace of mind. Go low contact, emotionally detach and stop giving fuel. And don't beat yourself up about not realizing these things earlier. NPD was officially academically documented only in 1980.

@meera2531

4 жыл бұрын

@Ben Hackett from a spiritual perspective a soul can never be damaged. And also from a soul perspective Narcissistic abuse is our karmic challenge to overcome to learn karmic lessons for our own development and growth. It's a choice... Anything done by another can be damaging if we allow someone else to have such power over us.

I had a narcissistic mother. To break the circle I never had kids. I couldn’t take the risk to be like my mother. It was a hard decision and I feel often lonely but I know no one deserve to go through want I went through. I don’t believe that you really get healed from this kind of childhood.

@ajcambern

4 жыл бұрын

Me too, how could I not hurt a child when I'm so damaged? Abuse was all I knew. Not having kids was the most responsible thing I could do.

@scientia49

4 жыл бұрын

Male, but same here

@paulaplantita8458

4 жыл бұрын

I'm sorry for what you have been through. I wish someday you will find true peace and be truly happy. You are loved.

@heather79100

4 жыл бұрын

Me too

@LittleChena

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks you all for your kind response. Thankful I’m not alone.

When I realized that whether I did everything that she wanted me to do, exactly the way she wanted me to do it, or whether I did the most rebellious thing imaginable, that it would get the exact same reaction, that I would never be good enough, it was so freeing.

I decided by the age of 12 that I would not have children because of the fear of ending up like my mother and carrying on the intergenerational abuse. It's really all we can do: "It ends with me."

@jackiep5009

11 ай бұрын

I never wanted kids either. For awhile I thought there was something wrong with me.but I cared for my beloved pets well. I just didn’t want the abuse to continue to the next generation and it very much did with Golden Child’s kids

@Me_di

3 ай бұрын

Lol same

I screamed in my room when I found out I got a distinction for my Masters. Mom came in and asked what's wrong. I told her and she just scoffed saying "Oh I thought something had happened" and walked out.. Yup.. I patted myself on the shoulder...

@CAMarg-zs1xq

3 жыл бұрын

I am proud of you!!!! That's amazing!

@aleksandralis9134

3 жыл бұрын

I published my every thesis every diploma and she don't understand so i never paid attention to this. When i worked i discoverded how good i am but i loose soooo mamy years

@traceycurtis1005

3 жыл бұрын

Congrats 🥳 that is a great achievement. I'm happy her comment had no more weight than a grain of salt and you congratulated yourself for your achievement. Wishing you all the best for your future endeavors.

@revidtenantmemphis

3 жыл бұрын

Oh my gosh I am so sorry - that must have hurt :(

@aleksandralis9134

3 жыл бұрын

@@revidtenantmemphis she is So stupid. I think it was so therapeutic to write it down 🙂

I succeed in something. My mother: "It is so wonderful to see you have gained these great qualities from me."

@rdpcl

3 жыл бұрын

I know this too well. She took credit of all my achievements, but any failure was only mine and had nothing to do with her.

@PelinandRhylee

3 жыл бұрын

rdpcl omgggg!!!!! Right!!!!!

@TaraConti

3 жыл бұрын

Soooooo typical!

@lucky_lola

3 жыл бұрын

This is my mother exactly!

@erykahm4307

3 жыл бұрын

Yep, mine said the same thing

Thank you so much for this. I've never seen anyone break this down this way so accurately before.

My mother passed several years ago and my sister still has not come to terms with that relationship. She continues to be upset that mom never apologized for her behavior and how she treated us. I told her that the way I came to terms with it was by saying that as a narcissist, she was UNABLE, not just unwilling, to admit she was wrong in her treatment of us. She's dead, she's never going to get that closure she wants. We do have a narcissistic sister now too, we both just stay away from her

@qwmx

Жыл бұрын

My personal take is "apologies will NEVER change who you are". My family can apologise about their treatment, but it's been so long and I already have ran away from home (although I have no choice but to return) and have moved on from that, apologising and admitting they were wrong, isn't going to change the permanent impact their treatment they had on my life.

@lilyamongbrambles4458

Жыл бұрын

It is so hard. When I would work up the courage to confront my mom about the absolutely devastating things she said to me as a child and adult she would just look at me like she didn't have the foggiest idea what I was talking about. At first I thought she really didn't remember, but honestly now I think she was just gaslighting me because she didn't want to face the fact that she had been a terrible, abusive parent. It's hard for me to write this because I feel like I am judging her, but I need to write this in a way to validate my experiences because she sure as heck never will.

"To acknowledge that the mother, perhaps through no fault of her own, failed you as the daughter. And in essence, failed you in the worst possible way. By making you think it was your fault." I wish I could articulate how important hearing that is for so many people. Thank you so much for everything you do Doc, you really make this stuff accessible and human. And you validate us.

@saraivargas9199

2 жыл бұрын

You have no idea how much I needed to hear him say those words

@rogerramjet6429

2 жыл бұрын

It's not just a mother- daughter thing. I'm the oldest son, and my crap started before I was in school and didn't end till I was 41. I'm now 52.

@bereal6590

2 жыл бұрын

Yes absolutely. ... I could have forgiven if only there had been any snippet of empathy introspection understanding and being able to talk it through... Instead any attempt labels me as a bad person and ungrateful and how they struggled. I wasn't trying to blame... I just wanted closure, yet I will only get that now one way. It's the ultimate last hurtful weapon

9 signs of a narcissistic mother: 1. Diverting the conversation to themselves 2. Competing with the daughter 3. Mother makes the daughter feel she is a burden 4. Failure to protect daughter from another harmful individual 5. Emotional unavailability/the wrong kind of emotional availability 6. Being controlling and manipulative 7. Creating a sense of a debt that cannot be repaid because the mother sacrificed tremendously to have the daughter 8. Narcissistic mother gives conditional love/approval as a reward for doing what she wants. 9. Violation of daughter’s boundaries

@angelwings7930

2 жыл бұрын

My mom had all but one of those. She drank a lot, too. And really didn’t care about me. I don’t know what it’s like to have a close relationship with either a mother or a father although I did have both parents. There were positives I received from both of their personalities though, it added to my personality and habits. Wasn’t all bad. Despite all the issues. I wonder if that’s rare or not. I was mostly well taken care of (with some obvious, fairly bad mistakes in their part though) prior to age 11 or 12 when things really went downhill.

@MetaPhysStore0770

2 жыл бұрын

this 1000% my father ! ! !

@jantelopez5626

2 жыл бұрын

"Creating a sense of a debt that cannot be repaid because the mother sacrificed tremendously to have the daughter " -the reality is the exact opposite

@lindsayschilling8707

2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like my mother, the human woodchipper!

@reddishsky8614

2 жыл бұрын

Well, hi mom. Someone describes you here. . . :" this is definitely my mom everyone. Especially 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. she even seemed to dislike me because I took all of my dad's attention away from her. She never apologize as well. She said that she's such a great daughter and what bad things did she do to deserve treated "that way" by her own kids, every time she's angry with us. She also used silent treatment. We needed to be the one who beg for forgiveness. Every single time. As she grows older, she becomes a lot more controlling as well. That's why I decided to get out of her house when I've prepared myself to live alone and support myself financially.

It became clear as day to me with all my thoughts being validated that my mom is definitely a narc! After being diagnosed with cancer , having surgery, and having not one person in my entire family asking if I need any help or even asking me how I feel…my mother destroyed my name throughout my entire family hence I’m battling health issues alone, very sad cause I’m the sweetheart/ empath in my family hence why my mother absolutely hated me!

Thank you so much for this! I have not been in touch with my mother for 2 years and I feel fine. I’ve accepted the fact that my parents were terribly abusive, narcissistic and immature. My mother especially…Nothing I do can make her happy. I have allowed her to strip me of my youth and no more!

I now understand why I struggle with such inherent shame and inadequacy. I understand why I have had such poor self-esteem, poor choices in men, people pleasing, and still.... I will never please my mom. As a 42 year old woman, I still feel like a 5 year old in her presence. Lord, please set me free!

@ehughes44

Жыл бұрын

I understand what you have written because I too have dealt with the same issues in my life, I still find myself battling through. It does get better and I found it helpful in preparing me for verbally abusive people. I

@encouragingword799

Жыл бұрын

@@ehughes44 I am glad that you are able to prepare ahead. I too find that I have to be intentional and thoughtful regarding abusive and even aggressive people. If my guard isn't up, I easily bend and allow myself to put the happiness of others on a pedestal. I am just learning to not be ashamed of it atleast. God bless you!

@ehughes44

Жыл бұрын

@@encouragingword799 I am so happy for you, and may you continue to grow stronger. Blessings and peace to you!

@denebisavila8748

Жыл бұрын

God bless you both. Here agreeing with both of your comments! We all got this

@encouragingword799

Жыл бұрын

@@denebisavila8748 😃

One of my earliest memories is my mom giving me the silent treatment on a field trip because I wouldn't spend my only money to buy her a soda. She ignored me until I cried and apologized. I'm only just beginning to realize how fucked up that was.

@catherinegathura4832

2 жыл бұрын

🤗 🤗 🤗

@Dancingatthefuneralparty

2 жыл бұрын

Wow just like my mother 🙈 we will heal!

@Gypsy_Soul7

2 жыл бұрын

Oh that is heartbreaking ❤️‍🩹 Big virtual hugs, that truly is fucked up. It’s incredible as we grow, how much we begin to see parts of our parents as they *actually* were when we were just small children or teenagers. Sending healing vibes to you 🤍

@roryslaine7896

2 жыл бұрын

That's crazy. I'm assuming if it's one of your earliest memories then you were just a small child at the time? Why tf was your mother relying on you to buy her a soda? That has to be straight up manipulation. Imagine looking at a 4 year and asking them if you can borrow 50p for a drink, then acting like a huffy child when they don't want to give it to you. That's honestly crazy to me.

@backtoasimplelife

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah, that was majorly fucked up. Damn. I'm sorry you had to experience that. How has that experience molded you in your adult life, assuming you are an adult now?

I was asked once. If you could have one wish what would it be? My answer. The love of a Mother!

This was absolutely fantastic!! I grew up as the daughter of a narcissistic mother ... the authoratarian narcissistic mother ... & you hit the nail on the head without even wavering slightly! I'm almost 70 and my mother died aged 83, 8 years ago ... & I thought that I would finally have some peace, but it still affects me, maybe not quite as badly as it used to, but I had ECT less than 6 monthis after she died, and again, about 6 months ago. I lived with the 'I nearly died having you' ... & 'if you look as good as I do when you're may age, you'll be doing very well', or ... complain go up to the school & complain to my English teacher who was also head of the English Dept, complaining that he have me too high a mark for an assignmet because it wasn't good enough, so didn't deserve that mark' .. or, even though I topped the class in Primary school, I missed one mark, so it wasn't good enough because I should have known that, or .... I was trying to steal my father from my mother when I was only 13. I didn't spend the last couple of Christmases with my mother ... because she always flew into a rage for some reason, before the end of the day, if not on Christas Eve (which she did on those last two years) ... then I didn't go to see her before she died, so my sisters held that against me ... even though it wasn't as easy for me to visit her as I have a couple of neurological diseases that make my life very much more difficult to travel ... but, I haven't missed her at all, yet my Dad died at 60 and I still cry for him reqularly. So, listening to this has at least helped me to see that it didn't matter what I'd done, it would never have been good enough, even though a couple of years before she died, she told me that I was always her clever child! She also did her degree in Social Work and B. Ed. and of course ther other students treated her like a queen ... my Dad called her 'the dutchess' ..! lol Anyway, thank you so much for enlightening me of the situation and that it wasn't my fault, I was just born to the wrong mother! :)

This is me and my mothers relationship. She can't stand when I'm doing okay or happy. She also never allows me to not be okay either. It's always about her. Always.

@emmalouie1663

2 жыл бұрын

My mother has been nagging me a lot, when I finally flip out and tell her that I've been dealing with serious depression and anxiety then she stares straight ahead silently and won't make eye contact with me. It's very rare that she looks at my face or looks at me in the eyes. They don't really look for cues to see how the other person is doing. There isn't even a recognition or acknowledgement barely that the other person is there. Yeah neither of my parents and any concern about me being happy when I was a kid. Friends or neighbors would sometimes say something like to my parents and my parents would just say "she is fine" "she is strong" that is always what they would say like I was some kind of unbreakable piece of disposable plastic.

@pheneriagonzalez1650

2 жыл бұрын

Omg my ex said his mother is the same way he is about to flip he said one day just don't know

@jenh6247

Жыл бұрын

My mom hopes that I have problems. It’s exhausting

@judyd1898

Жыл бұрын

My mom enjoys it when I’m miserable. I never hear from her when life is going well. She ignores my kids and never asks about them. She discarded my grandparents when they were no longer of any use to her. Everything was always my fault as a child and that has continued through adulthood. She enjoys embarrassing me or reminding me of all my mistakes. As a child I didn’t understand why she was so mean and cold to me. On top of that she was abusive. If you ever bring anything up she will lie and say it never happened. My older sister is the same exact way. I grew up surrounded by narcissists. I spent a lot of time by myself in my room listening to music growing up. It was my escape from the insanity. I have worked hard to be nothing like her. I show my kids love and affection. Tell them they can do anything they put their mind to. She has helped me become a better mother.

I broke contact with my narcissistic mother several years ago when she started treating one of my children the way she treated me growing up. I had enough. I instantly realized that it was more painful to have some kind of relationship with her than none at all. I don't miss her or regret my decision. I am at peace with it.

@oceanstate8182

4 жыл бұрын

Venus Kile yes. I did the exact same thing! Goes us!

@churchtroll

4 жыл бұрын

they are sick. They absolutely will either scapegoat your children or use them against you. No Contact. No guilt.

@urbansetter1

4 жыл бұрын

@ChooseLife I cut ties 3 yrs ago. Also much more painful to be in contact rather then not

@katiehunt3083

4 жыл бұрын

Venus Kile almost 20 years from me. I will never regret thinking of my own well being.

@pmf026

4 жыл бұрын

I'm going through discard phase.. devastated af.

I can't stop SMH!!! The indifferent mother, the not protecting, the loving the abuser of me, the jealousy, the obsession with my ex husband, the turning the conversation to her ALWAYS. It's overwhelming to hear for some reason. I've gone no contact for 2yrs now & I'm working on my masterpiece to tell her exactly what I think of her so as to be able to fully drop the burden of her. I have to thank you sincerely for validating what we've experienced & taking the time to make these vids. Phew!!!

@Intuition_Like-A_River

Жыл бұрын

My mom f’d my husband, yes seggs in my own home w my 3 babies in her care. She’s inside sleeping rn and I’m outside hiding around the back so I can listen to this. I’m definitely gonna seek help about this. I need to. I’m so sorry about what we both been thru. But I’m here as your friend and I send you love, respect, hugs , positive vibes and energy. Much love. ~heather

I decided that my mother would be my role model, of how NOT TO TREAT MY CHILDREN! I literally would ask myself “what would mom say/do in this situation?” Then I did the OPPOSITE!

@LorraineGrant

5 ай бұрын

I wrote this same comment on another video. I can remember a tv star saying the same about his father, and relaying the oppositeattitude to his son. His father was a role model when he acted as a villan.

My parents shouldn't have had kids. And honestly, we should have been removed.

@dianevanderlaan9523

3 жыл бұрын

Same

@chavaliernsharps159

3 жыл бұрын

Have often thought the same

@pjj9491

3 жыл бұрын

k shaw...i think the same thing...i was born in 50 to a severe alcoholic who was institutionalized 3 times before age 25...everytime shed get out shed get drunk and marry a man she met in a bar, get pregnant and give baby up for adoption...i really feel if abortion had been legal this would have been her jam...i was noticed by teachers at school with belt and switch marks on my legs since girls had to wear dresses back then...or busted lips and blackened eyes with makeup...not one teacher ever reported...maybe they didnt have cps back then...my step"whatever" would threaten to drop me off at the orphanage then theyd both laff...i prayed he would pull into the parking lot...:(

@chavaliernsharps159

3 жыл бұрын

@@pjj9491 how terrible 😔 and folks could never understand how the memories remain fresh, and how you have to work through them to get healthy, reliving it again as if the many different instances just happened. It's always an odd pause in time for me. I have no feeling on that (a pause on time when a memory passes my mind), and have noticed it at the same time 🤔Anyway! I am sending you LOVE and continued healing. Know that there are other adult children of narcissists out here navigating this thing called life with you! 💕💕

@pjj9491

3 жыл бұрын

@@chavaliernsharps159 much love and thanx...that note is more love than i ever experienced as a child...never heard those words...thank you😍

I love her and I hate her. I think about her every day. No contact 15 years ago. Frustrating to accept I will never be validated, vindicated, or loved. The hole in my soul goes really deep. I survive.

@thereporter3690

3 жыл бұрын

thanks for posting this i dont feel alone

@ILOVEMYTEDDYBEAR01

3 жыл бұрын

This is my first year of closing lines of communication between myself and my mother and all I've gotten was criticism from my other family members. I still have panic attacks every day and I'm so manic and depressed I feel like I'm loosing my touch with reality. The PTSD from dark situations that traumatized me, I still have to live with.....yet I still catch myself wanting to talk to her...know how shes doing even though she never gave me the same line of thinking. I have gained my strength to distance myself from her through my extremely understanding partner. They keep me grounded and make me see value in myself. I hope you have found peace and know that you are strong!

@jacydyer5489

3 жыл бұрын

Preach it sister. I'm in tears! My Mother/Monster ruined my life up until now. This is all that I needed to know. Finding out that a word (narcissism) that I've only used in joking with people is the name of the condition that has plagued my life's relationships, has given me the validation that I've been seeking since childhood, regarding the mentally ill people (narcissists) who were surrounding me. I just found out that narcissism was the actual term for my mother's condition. I recently sincerely asked God to help me find out why I still can't take care of myself at my age. Then a few days ago, after I broke up with a major lying and manipulative asshole, I decided to look at videos on women being fed up. I liked a particular one and the content creator had another video on narcissism. The word had been coming up around me on TV and in conversations, like it's gained recent popularity in my own reality. I had been wondering, before we broke up, if the guy that I was recently seeing would fit the definition of a narcissist, and I kept telling myself that I was going to look up the definition. I didn't until I had already broken up with him last Friday, and ended up watching that video on narcissism that I mentioned earlier. As you can guess, he turned out to be the definition of a narcissist. Then, after I consumed that first video, followed by about 50 more videos on narcissism in relationships, I thought about the deep insecurity involved and immediately wondered if my mother was a female narcissist. She passed with flying colors of course, but I finally understood that I was right , when I was a child, regarding my mother feeling powerless and dominating me to feel powerful. It also, explained to me how I became so helpless when I have so many talents and do so much self work and self introspection. It's a condition that affects the children of narcissistic parents called learned helplessness. I have struggled with this heartbreak for years. Never having people really listen when I was telling them that I was being abused and then sometimes the people (family) would defend my mom's actions, And, after really big blow ups between my mom and I, certain family members would talk to me about how hurt my mom was by the things that I'd said to her in defense of myself during one of her rage-outs. Nobody listened and so I was stuck with this crazy person who no one would go against even though they some would secretly give me advice like, "you know how your mama is, just stay quiet and let her fuss", but I couldn't take listening to my mom's fantasies. She was always projecting things onto me that she suspected were happening because I actually stopped sharing my life with her from a young age, once I realized that she was "dumb", "crazy", and "only cares about what people think." Now, I know that I was right. I now realize that most of the people in my family are narcissists and that even I have narcissistic tendencies. I've done years of Spiritual work due to my own personal fears, and the one question that I could never answer was why do I know that I have talent and ability but I can't continually support myself. Now, I know why I've never been able to get it together and why after 2 narcissistic boyfriends, how I could have possibly attracted a third. It's because my neuronet is literally wired to connect love to narcissistic behaviors. The love of my mother told me that I'd never be good enough and that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough. This is why I am an approval junkie that cannot set clear boundaries when I am being mistreated in relationships unless I stay well connected to God and constantly check in on my feelings, until I can organize my energy to get past another narcissistic episode.

@Tricia-xo6fq

3 жыл бұрын

Jacy Dyer I really feel for you. Joyce Mayors has some God inspired books that could provide the answers to your healing. What you have written is so relatable. Now we are older we, with the help of Christ Jesus can be our parents. Be to yourself the Mother you always wanted for yourself.

@peculiarstar5778

3 жыл бұрын

45 years...yeah, survival is the priority. you will survive despite the mess called family.

This information is powerful. The last 2 women I cared about were both raised by single parent narcissist mother. Plus I can see how one of these people did the same thing to my daughter and I’m working with her to show her how she was abused. As a father I was dealing with the abuse as a husband and to blind to see and protect my own children as I should have. Now that I have a better understanding of narcissism I’m trying to educate my children and I hope it’s not to late.

@edelweiss2.076

Жыл бұрын

It's not too late. Your children will always consider you their safe place.

Brilliant article. I only discovered this was my mother very recently when talking to a therapist about getting out of a relationship with a narcissist. She asked which of my parents was a narcissist and also whether there was domestic abuse growing up (there was, my father was also a narcissist) and about my previous long term relationships. You've guessed it - all with vulnerable narcissists with lots of issues with their mothers..... Now I am self aware and educating myself I am finally in a relationship with someone who isn't narcissistic and getting the mutual love and support I always dreamed of. Never too late. I am a 63 year old widow.

I actually despise the way my mother treats me. She makes me feel like I’m dirt.

@dancingnature

3 жыл бұрын

I used to called her hissy fit verbal abuse, the Litany of Hate because she was so cruel and I never deserved it. A friend of my ex heard her yelling at me from another room and he started clucking and squawking like a madhen. Lol That’s exactly what she sounded like . It broke her ability to verbally abuse me because I’d picture that chicken squawking and I’d crack up laughing rather than cringe and hide .

@beverlynhughes8939

3 жыл бұрын

But Youre NOT Shes Jealous of you is all Sweetie Keep On Shining

@MsSweets0211

3 жыл бұрын

Same here...

@ednasmith4545

3 жыл бұрын

Hugs

@JP-uy9kq

3 жыл бұрын

So sorry... just live your best life, its all you can do.

I always knew my mom was a narcissist, she's the reason I got into learning about this stuff. she made me feel like something was wrong with me my whole life, like nobody wanted me because she didn't.

@jas6274

3 жыл бұрын

You wrote my exact feelings

@weiirdOzdotFU

3 жыл бұрын

@@jas6274 so sorry. i've been reading this book called "mothers who can't love" it's meant to help people like us move on and accept that they will never change because we often find ourselves waiting for that. you should check it out. it's a short book but it does the job of making us feel seen.

@jas6274

3 жыл бұрын

@@weiirdOzdotFU thank you, I'll surely give it a read!🙂

@caroliner2029

2 жыл бұрын

@@weiirdOzdotFU I'm so glad that you have words for these things now and that you know that it wasn't your fault. I'm pleased that you've found a useful book too, to help process all of your memories and experiences. I've found Karyl McBride's 'Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers' very insightful. I read it in small bites, so I don't feel overwhelmed. I love that its subtitle is "Will I ever be good enough?", as this was the subconscious cry of my heart too.

@weiirdOzdotFU

2 жыл бұрын

@@caroliner2029 i actually stopped reading the book for awhile because it was helpful in explaining but once it got to the exercises i wanted to wait to do that and you just reminded me. it's really hard when it comes to mothers because they are suppose to be your first experience of love, you are literally connected and grown inside of them but it's so important to note that anybody who tries to make you feel like you aren't good enough, feels that way about themselves. it's not an excuse but sometimes an explanation can help, also i will check that book out too, thank you!

Listening to your description here is like reliving my childhood.

This hits so hard because my mother does every single one of these things (some in more round about ways). A part of me is still partly in denial about it, but I’m beginning to realize that I don’t deserve to be treated the way she treats me. She always goes on about how difficult I was as a kid, and seeing others here say that they constantly hear/heard the same is so eye opening.

@loubatts

Жыл бұрын

if i said, i don't want to do that, as a kid, whatever it was, she would yell at me and say, do you think i want to cook all these meals, do you think i want to clean this house, on and on, until i felt guilty being born.

@Michelina22

3 ай бұрын

I have a very similar situation with my mom