Your videos helped me understand the emotional mess that i call my ex girlfriend. She always blamed and shamed me and spread rumors that im a narcicist and abuser though i never would do that and have been clinically tested not to be a narcicist but suffer from cptsd with emphasis on cluster c avoidant behaviour. I went through therapy to tackle my social fears and overcame them so that now 10 years later i have a stable sense of self, a stable work environment, stable hobbies like sport and music and stable friends. I worked hard to become the man i wanted to be and she always told me thats what she loved most about me, that i am no "fake" as her ex-bfs used to be. But now she thinks im the devil and and evil abuser. Your lectures made me realise, this could be because i "reality checked" her regularely when she drank too much and her psychopathic shadow self showed its face. Every time i confronted her next morning she said she didnt do or say those things. Before i watched your videos, i thought she straight up lied and tried to manipulate me. Well now i know better, she probably has real memory loss. And apparently she hates my autonomy and the fact that i denied to father her from the beginning, i always tried to encourage herself to get shit done herself and even joked harmlessly about me not being her father or savior. But for borderline women, it appears to be easier to live in their fantasy of victim-abuser-savior. This really sucks because i love her true self but i have to face reality and move on, i dont want an incompetent, but still super cute, empathic and lovely, child as a partner. Im too old for that nonsense.

@Hyear2030

Жыл бұрын

Idk you seem unbalanced. But so does she lol.

@bananajones8353

Жыл бұрын

@@Hyear2030 Yes because i am utterly heartbroken by the fact that she had no problem going to her ex and rubbing it to my face. I knew that borderline women usually cheat , even in healthy relationships , that's why i offered her an open relationship from the start. She didn't want this, she incisted on a monogam one. Well 3 months later, after a wonderful time without fights - some arguments, yes, but healthy ones with hugs kisses and understanding - after the holidays ended, which i spent everyday with her, she decided to cheat on me. She even said it was only because of her not of me. Because she felt like shes drowning and doesnt know what to do. So yes, i am pretty unabalanced by the betrayal. All the rumor spreading and aggression startet after this, we weren't a couple anymore but still spent time together. I guess that was my mistake, i should have stopped contact fully.

@bananajones8353

Жыл бұрын

@@7707Denis You cant save drowning people who long ago decided to let their drowning happen and not stop themselves from it. That is the sad truth, they would prefer to drown together than to accept help.

@kiwicatnip

5 ай бұрын

It is terrifying to hear “I am not your savior” from your partner but it’s true. I had to realize myself that nobody can save me but myself. And it’s not my partner’s or anyone else’s job to. However I’m not really entirely sure how to save myself. My mind always talks me out of it or confuses me about what the right thing to do is. My commitment to myself can be really strong at times but it is inconsistent.

@ErikAdalbertvanNagel

4 ай бұрын

Well, idk how much of an avoidant you are but I can tell that as someone with BPD (I rather resonate with the quite BPD than regular one, but since I didn't get any proper help at the psychiatry I'm just left with more questions), avoidants' behavior are triggering me like hell and cause a lot of anxiety. They are lone wolves who refuse to operate in a team in my perspective, they're denying/afraid to connect on an emotional level and logic their way out. We are social beings after all. There are always stuff they are hiding. You never feel they love you completely. Yet somehow I always drawn to them... and left heartbroken and abandoned. They are so close yet so far. I can't even put into words the level of pain they're causing. But yeah, not everyone wants to get better. it's 50/50

Starting at 21:44....I started to have a physical reaction. JESUS H CHRIST. How is it possible that this unique, specific set of issues befalls others?! EVERY VIDEO GETS MORE SPOT ON FOR MY EXACT CIRCUMSTANCES...

@amitsalaskar1024

Жыл бұрын

Sam catchs the undercurrents of the fantasy dance of romantic relationships;)

@amandarattray2845

Жыл бұрын

@@amitsalaskar1024 Well said...

I'd be ashamed of how much of a cookie cutter my personality is except for being so thankful for the understanding.

Seems you know me better than I know myself....*insert maniacal laugh here* 🫣

@michelleriley7983

Жыл бұрын

😂❤

@user-dn8hd6xn1e

5 күн бұрын

I see what you did there. 🤣

A good example of a BPD partner is when how much more attractive they are when the drama comes at you, but when things have been good for a while you start to wonder why the hell am I dating this person, am I even attracted to them?? I don’t know, am I? You start to question your reality, and then since you hate the reality you decide to seek the pain and be mortified by your BPD partner, I guess that’s what makes me a narc!

Thank you so much Prof. Vaknin! You made me understand the reason of this “crazy dynamic “ between Borderline and Narcissistic Personality, I see it daily in my family! Horrible experiences sometimes, really!

Amazing analysis of the Borderline’s behavior. I spent 29 years married to one. Divorced now after the loss of a child. Took me many years of reading and studying to realize what was going on in my world. The internet is truly a great educator and so are you.

@VideosVonDennis

11 ай бұрын

You can you make it 29 years without her breaking up with you constantly? Did she always come back? What was the longest breakup in those 29 years?

@buddy22801012

11 ай бұрын

@@VideosVonDennis Too many breakups to remember. Usually a few days the longest maybe two weeks. But my kids suffered terribly when I would leave, broke my heart.Every argument there was the threat of divorce many times she started calling attorneys even filed a few times. I left and she would go into abandonment act. Crazy time in my life. Stayed for the children, once they were all grown I told her I just couldn’t play her games anymore. She tried to stop the divorce and even attempted to get back together afterwards. I didn’t even reply to her emails.

@VideosVonDennis

11 ай бұрын

@@buddy22801012 That would tell me my cycle must have ended. She broke up 7 months ago and it seems she is not coming back but we aren't divorced yet. She is still hoovering at times, negatively... once in a while she did send a few positive signals, but now she runs a smear campaign and we've been at court due to her false allergations that I attempted to steal our 3 month old baby out of the pram (what an insane lie, I haven't seen her since 52 days)... fortunately, judge didn't believe her. I wonder if she ever comes back to her senses and idealizes me again. But I assume not. I guess you've been in a cycle when the breakups have been weeks at max... in my case it's 7 months as said. Thanks for the repliy: Wish you all the best!

@VideosVonDennis

10 ай бұрын

@@ARIELHPRODUCTIONS It's so difficult to move on :(

I am the son of a narcissist father and a borderline mother. The tendencies you are explaining match extremely well... As a result I feel as though I have developed some bipolarity. I am not too sure ... I wish I better understood how to help people. thank you for your videos sir.

Sadly, you've described my life perfectly. We've 3 kids and I only realised this condition existed after my life was turned upside down financially, legally and a plethora of failed false accusations which left me embarrassed and humiliated and family torn apart. But , and as typical, I'm still left with the emotion to help her for the sake of my kids and the lost of the spouse I thought I had.

Thank u, Sam❤️✨

sharp as a knife, as always.. thanks Prof.

This is by far the best explanation of NPD and BPD relationship

This was great; thank you for the explanation as it explained about a 1 1/2 year live-in situation I had years ago when I used to drink.

Thank you Dr Vaknin these videos are beyond superb.

This makes total sense. I can co-parent with my borderline ex by telling myself her behavior isn't personal to me. She does the same thing with everyone. But, I can't and don't think I ever will be able to maintain that stance if our relationship were to become intimate again. Her patterns of behavior are so ingrained that there's no way it won't start to break me down over time if, for example, we were living together. Once she is in that close, this process of "adding value" to herself by becoming an utter pain in the ass begins. And it invariably turns me into the intolerant bad guy. So, I just stay away from the notion of being partners anymore. Which sucks for our kid, but is probably better than what would result from trying to be intimate. She also has this unspoken philosophy that time heals all (aka maybe you have forgotten how batshit crazy I am), so naturally never works on her relationship issues. And I suspect her biggest toxic trait is that she thinks she doesn't have any toxic traits. I've witnessed this over and over again in her relationships with both women and men. It's always the other person!

@bigtreecombatacademy2927

11 ай бұрын

My ex exactly I feel for her and may offer support from a distance but I ain’t getting close again Lost access to her kids who called me their stepdad Heartbreaking

@bigtreecombatacademy2927

9 ай бұрын

@@sneakerhead567 yep that’s what happened to me I ended up unleashing , dumping her really harshly and calling her a “selfish slut” Felt terrible about it but man was I pushed and pushed

@karenvolk

2 ай бұрын

But how do you leave your children with her?

@shaunlannary2848

10 күн бұрын

Probably hit the nail on the head !

Hello Professor Vaknin. All your videos are amazing . I was diagnosed as a Borderliner woman and Asperger's, and the female hormones also acts a lot. So, life is not easy. Thank you so much for all your explanations.

I've seen both "perfectly good" partners and "not so good" ones. It demands caution when listening to a BPD person. Maybe they even have a tendency of choosing "not so good" ones?

You describe one of my relationships perfectly

תודה רבה על הסרטון שלך ועל התובנות. אין לי מילים לומר לך כמה אני מעריכה את מה שאתה עושה 💓 פשוט תודה אתה הופך אותנו לעולם מודע בריא וטוב יותר

Thank you.

I appreciate the funny way he explains it in. And this is 100% Sad but true.

it all makes sense thanks for explanation

I would love to hear more about the borderline in a relationship with someone who is a sociopath.

@samvaknin

4 ай бұрын

Sociopath is not a clinical diagnosis or entity.

@donaldanderson1092

26 күн бұрын

Sociopath here, married 23 years to a classic bpd. My shallow emotional depth works with all the chaos of the bpd. Goes right over my head. I just don't care. When I was her favorite person I gave her away thousands of times. Losing her was and is okay with me. Even now. When she's briefly normal from time to time I treat her nice. The majority of time I ignore her. I'm 15 years older and at 77 there's really no point in changing partners.

Sam, don’t forget betrayal theory where the “intimate partner” might NOT be an entity that can be degraded. An abusive parent or spouse might be inescapable in some circumstances. They might not be actually an ideal, as you state here. You’ve stated this correctly elsewhere, and as you’ve said functionally the result is equivalent. The borderline will turn on themselves, and then yes, turn towards savagery (secondary psychopathy) to “survive.”

I kinda went through this for the entire 4 plus years. All of it

12:30 sequence of engulfment, devaluation and acting out

Thank you, these continue to be a valuable resource. Would you consider elaborating on the relationship dynamics between a borderline partner and an avoidant partner. At the surface level this appears to be a positive match but of course it is not.

Always feel like he's talking about me.... Jeez, I am one SICK puppy! lol 😆 😆

I'm gaining a real understanding of NPD/NPD. Thank you. Could you please do videos on Psychopaths as their own category? I know of secondary psychopaths but I want to know about people who are primary or full psychopaths. Thank you.

@samvaknin

Жыл бұрын

You mean in addition to the 30+ videos on psychopaths available on this channel?

@shelbywalker9699

Жыл бұрын

@@samvaknin Fair enough...

This is my life at the moment. FUCK.

Could their paranoia be a result of (pathological) dishonesty?

@samvaknin

3 күн бұрын

Yes. Projection.

Malcontents; run for your life.

In a NPD/BPD relationship would it not be accurate she is being abused and she is a victim?

@samvaknin

Жыл бұрын

All cluster B personalities are abusers.

This is my wife.... I can't understand why progress gets sabotaged and she says ive hurt her too much. We're separated rn and she is mean, and wants a divorce but won't file. Someone point me in the right direction? I've gone through 4+ years of therapy and currently still go. #1 topic is how to deal with her every session. She's always been a mess but it's like 100x worse in our separation.

I'm a diagnosed bpd you know too much so it time to stop doing this too people around me i think my bpd now is just a lack of awareness if I'm aware i try to stop this behaviour.

I follow you on TikTok now I wish you would put a piece of this video on there so I can duet it. Thank you

@samvaknin

Жыл бұрын

Feel free to edit/trim/split it and upload there.

Sam: If the BPD becomes engulfed and demonizes partner then erupts, detaches and wants to leave the relationship. How should partner handle situation? Give space? Pull her back? Etc

@chrisgorski1656

Жыл бұрын

If you want her back just give space and wait during all the abuse. Say very little and soon she will twist herself around and you are idealized again.

@samvaknin

Жыл бұрын

Watch my video on the enchantress.

Im living exactly this dynamic with my boyfriend. He didnt diagnosed but i figured that out after a long research and for being sure i try to convince him to pyschologist but he is so stubborn:( how can i help him? Please help Doctor 😢

How do you determine the difference between a narcissistic discard vs borderline discard?

@samvaknin

7 ай бұрын

Borderlines don’t discard. They act out.

@christinamichellephotograp8728

7 ай бұрын

​@@samvaknin Okay, thank you. Do you do personal consultations? I am trying to analyze to determine if he is borderline or narc.

Can a single person with bpd use the autoplastic as well as alloppastic defesne? Or do they typically stick to one or the other?

@samvaknin

Жыл бұрын

Both.

great ideas

As far as the asoects of who is good or bad, or me good her bad, or she i good and im bad

I do this because i love you but i will try this with someone else lol

I'm not evil, I know I am complex and have emotional problems. I'm daughter of psycopthic parent . Moreover I am gifted which does not help for a stable relationship

If someone has BPD and NPD, then which self object is seen as bad, external or internal? What about in others?

@samvaknin

Жыл бұрын

Depends which of the two comorbidities is the dominant PD.

Have you been somehow secretly observing me for the past three weeks?

A BPD won’t just pathologize a narcissist, but would/could pathologize anyone, presumably.. right?

@samvaknin

Жыл бұрын

Yes.

I have two questions. Do classic borderline women Hoover? Second if you experienced childhood rape at around 7 years of age and discarded the broken child identity by amnesia then created a secondary protector who continued forward in life but the rape was by a trusted neighbor. If you had a loving mother and father what type of personality would you tend to grow into?

@samvaknin

7 ай бұрын

1. Yes, as long as they feel safe with the person they are hoovering; 2. Potential for BPD.

I just broke up with my partner of 2 years. He was entitled ( didnt want to do job, but just meditate and even blamed me for asking him to take up a job), out of touch with reality, anger issues from childhood, bit a very secure parenting attachment ( a little permissive may be) but they are god. I could not be loyal in relationship and he started emotionally abusing me ( physically abused once) i on one hand felt was causing him harm and on the other felt taken advantage of. I was abused as a teenager by my father, i was extremely sexual throughout years. I am 34 now and I still cant stop flirting with men. I identify with a lot of characters you described in histrionic personality disorder. Its difficult for me when i am not the center of attention. I wanted men to love me and would go in bed with them with a delusion that there is emotional attachment. I wanted that warmth for an hour and always end up regretting. I am trying to work on myself now. Funny thing is I am a psychology student and studied psych to understand myself better. I was not able to be regular to therapy and now wish to continue it. I have taken a lot of therapy training thAt helped me a little self aware. I am confused i obviously am not a borderline because i do not have rage. But i treated my partner exactly the way you described here. Could you clear my confusion. More background about me, i had a history of sunstance abuse, had wocial anxiety cause of it but now almost completely over it.

@chrisgorski1656

Жыл бұрын

You can have BPD tendencies and still control your rage. Also consider NPD.

@ptscptsc-ke9xk

Жыл бұрын

@@chrisgorski1656 inside I do feel evil and O am scared of how malicious I can be. I have been teaching myself to treat people brtter n be kinder from long time. so, the I feel it is not NPD. Sadly, in nepal the diagnosis process is bullshit.

Ty for pointing out gender issue it was an excuse for me to be judgmental close minded and unable to appreciate your knowledge

Living with Borderline i do like some of the analogies especially with healthy partnerships but unfortunately i think one thing i would criticize after watching this is unfortunately you didnt get into the psychology of "why" this patterns occurs. The reality is when i was severe i dont think i really had a "healthy partner" and i dont want to be down on bpd people as i live woth it but the reality was as a kid all i had was trauma bonds, narcissistic mother , substance abuse step dad and another member who was child sexual predator resulted growing up where i carried "trauma bonds" into my adulthood, and i was always the "sick" one while others inflicted serious harm to my development as a b0rderline who suffered from a Narcissist I was often gaslit and oftentimes told to question my own thoughts and mind even though abuse was happening and she supported my sexual child predator. Alot of borderlines have experoenced narcissistic abuse I unfortunately want to say that the more likelihood of borderlines continuing to act out is because we have had "no healthy attachments" to core people we loved and cared about. We already know we are extreme and intense in our reactions , we already yes have self worth issues and we may feel terrified and scared and especially have already pushed important people away from us because of these trauma bonds because its like volunteering yourself to be around potentially "your trigger 24/7" which you said best makes us a psychopathic and can only further escalate our trust problems and etc because now we have set more relations up to mirror the intial trauma bond I have to say though i didnt have "healthy partnerships" while I was severe because i lacked completely boundaries and understanding "healthy attachment" , i was way too loose on my boundaries, through therapy im mild now and am starting to have healthy connections working towards remission but when i was severe i constantly was being ployed into other Narcissistic relationships, men who had substance problems because i had parents whom caused my borderline survival response and continue to welcome.it in my adulthood because i knew no better. , i had men who preyed on knowing i had no boundaries and found it easy to control us if they know about our diagonisis because we question ourselves it makes it easier to gaslight people they know are vunerable. because we were around gaslighting environments alot and now they are adding triggers and their charm and grandiose behaviour to seem perfectly fine in society while they tip a borderline off the edge only escalating the problem . I would furthermore say that a borderline in severe could not have healthy partnerships because they have not yet adopted the necessary core needs of their boundaries and have not yet indentified their trauma bonds, why they experience a trigger and what boundaries they can implement to better self care to have and understand healthy attachment. That require rewiring from the natural body response system and thats active work but its entirely treatable and can be remissioned because for example every time you have a negative thought force and replace it with three positive ones, feeling an episode go and have a walk and reground yourself, experiencing depression watch comedy its tricking your brain to be in control instead of falling back into the easy survival responses which really isnt our faults when we usually grew up surviving from abuse, Narcissist environments , abadon8ng and usually blameful.environments from behaviors we just were never taught better on. Can you blame a child for having no proper attachments , and do you blame the older version whom.had no.clue why they act those ways, hence why its so scary because often we seek help because we know we are out of control and feel helpless, why do you think its more in women than men , i think.society is built on dismantling our emotional.toolboxs theough the Patriarchal society and its through communication and reintergration we start to honour emotional health more and the require nurture to our children to have more emotional toolboxs that speak on being respectful to emotional developments which all children do deserve. With healthy partnerships a BPD would have to have that emotional toolbox available and understood with their partner, should seek council to adopt that language so you can practice with her and be mindful to the emotional language that requires to strengthen her connections than further damage them while she works on indentifying the source of her trauma bonds, what triggers, having boundaries and doing active work in rewiring the innate response

I think I am a borderline personality but I just have been discarded by my narcissistic.

@MonaLisa-ur1px

Жыл бұрын

Boyfriend

@hillaryconsultingservices

7 ай бұрын

Did you reunite?