I always think about this hyper-critical behaviour as being very parent-centric... "I need you to be better so that you will be a better extension of me".

@drsia2323

2 жыл бұрын

very astute point! Thanks for sharing!

@PriyankaGupta-ew1li

2 жыл бұрын

Wat a sad life! 😒

@kakashifight6907

10 ай бұрын

Remember the theory is for infants less than three. It’s only a theory. The real reason could be partly at least genetics

I'm glad I got to know about the attachment theory

@drsia2323

2 жыл бұрын

thank you Mustafa

I have this attachment. Anytime I was vulnerable or in my feelings it was typically “my fault” or “I didnt do this or that”

What attachment style is generated by being the scapegoated child? By a single mother who tells her kids she wish she never had them. She started every day screaming at us. A dad that disappeared. A step dad that was physically abusive.

@drsia2323

2 жыл бұрын

Sorry that was your experience. It depends on what solution is found by you all. If avoidance worked then avoidant, if caretaking helped then Ambivalent. If nothing helped then disorganized. I hope that makes sense. Keep in mind the very broad strokes here and that therapy can give you the best answer if that is available to you!

@mathews0618

2 жыл бұрын

@@drsia2323 nothing helped. When i avoided the situation i was shamed for being defective. When i reached for love my needs were devalued. I was never heard. Pretty much have never been heard. Its the greatest pain i know

@drsia2323

2 жыл бұрын

@@mathews0618 Hurtful Mike very hurtful.

@lindadunn8787

Жыл бұрын

Good question. Thank you for asking.

Love your videos keep up the awesome work 💚

@drsia2323

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you kindly!

great information Dr Sia

@drsia2323

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you kindly!

I was just recently introduced to attachment style theory and it was mind blowing! Both my wife and I agree that I no doubt fall into the "dismissive avoidant" category. However, the one thing that I can not make sense of is the "neglectful" or "cold" childhood that it is said that typically brings this on because my parents (mother especially) was anything BUT neglectful and if anything, made me feel stifled from affection and concern if I let her. I know when the word "neglect" in this instance, is used it isn't to assign blame for conscious behavior of a parent in most cases so I don't think I'm just trying to rationalize this to defend them either. I just wonder in cases like mine if nature vs nurture may be a stronger predictor of these attachment styles than we think?🤔

@kakashifight6907

10 ай бұрын

Real DA is less than one percent. Judging by the openness with such you write, I doubt you are one. You might have some single traits but you are not on the spectrum. A real DA would never disclose so much of himself nor does he feel the necessity to entertain the notion or suspicion with his wife, let alone go on the internet with it

@jhlfsc

10 ай бұрын

@kakashifight6907 That's interesting that you'd say that. Perhaps you are right, but I also have a feeling that sometimes people unintentionally confuse or conflate the pathology of a "DA" with that of a narcissistic when they truly are totally different things.

@kakashifight6907

10 ай бұрын

@@jhlfsc one thing to add: the theory of attachment is based on observation and categorization of behavioral traits. The notion that it stems out of neglect in infancy can neither be observed nor proven. Nonetheless, the fact that you see it run in families, just like narcissism, indicates a possible genetic origin which might get triggered by outside elements. In other words, some children, because of certain genes, perceive their reality peculiarly to set a possible pre-fixed tendency or line of thought. My son is one such a person and I can clearly see the link to his mother’s and her brother’s trait. She took care of him on every level, loved him and cared for him physically and emotionally even much more than his two older siblings. He had such a carefree, happy childhood. Yet in the end, at 13 started not to deal with her and six months ago, at 19, he forgot he had a father who just a few weeks slept in his lap and hugged him right and left. Something triggered his DA. Was it obvious that he would turn out this way? There were signs: secretive, shallow emotional display, always seeking fun and laughter, sitting alone hours and hours playing Lego, talking too little, having friends and replacing them like they were an old shirt. In your case, since you doubt the neglect in infancy notion, like I do, search in your extended family to see if someone displays similar characteristics.

Thank you for the snippet. Unpleasant yet hopeful news. Enjoyed the video? No. Appreciate it? Yes. Very much.

Dr.Sia can you make a video about attachment style and hygiene hahaha if there is a connection

How would an adult develop avoidant attachment style if both parents were enmeshed with him, predominantly the mother? A mother (alongside a reinforcing father) that is extremely reassuring and sees the child (now adult) as completely perfect with absolutely no flaws? This distortion lasting throughout the entire life. Could it result if the mother criticized the child’s father in front of the child-emasculated him regularly and had particular beliefs about people (to the exclusion of herself and the child?) It’s a very confusing situation, especially because the mother is very kind to people. The child resulted with Major Depression Disorder diagnosis, but functional enough to get a PhD and hold down employment on a string. Is this possible according to Attachment Theory thus far?

@adriannamoss4675

2 жыл бұрын

The adult child always feels the need to be perfect/act around others. HIs mother instilled in him that they are stronger than others and must bare and therefore endure more than, and, for others. When he showed major imperfection, his father threatened to kill himself, so he stopped showing them his emotions. He believes that if he shows himself, people won't be able to handle it -- too much. This is consistent with his life experiences. When he went away to college, it was an awakening because he wasn't the big fish in the sea in a small town -- the smartest, the best. He says he had to create the "all bad" self to cope with this indescrepency that he wasn't all perfect and there were others better than him. Is this experience and are these cognitive distortions consistent with avoidant attachment? He spends every day believing he's a failure and self-punishing, making it hard for him to function. He thinks about death alot. I know this is alot of information, but your videos are so enlightening on self-punishment and self-criticism, that I'd really like to know your perspective on this. The insights Ive shared are the farthest he's gotten in therapy.

@drsia2323

2 жыл бұрын

Yes you are correct. Avoidan attachment is likely with a sense that he would need to keep being the best to be loved. So you l really want to hammer down know these conditions that he may have related to ways that he can be (good at everything) to be loved. Once you help him sew that all the ways he tries to be loved and be worthy are actually ways that he remains hurt (because conditional love is hurtful and never helpful) them he might be able to turn against his defenses. Think syntonic defenses and work from there. Let me know how you go.

@lindadunn8787

Жыл бұрын

@@drsia2323 conditional love is never helpful is a firm statement with no hint of wishy -washy. Never helpful? So if love is bi-polar, like always unconditional and helpful or conditional and never helpful, that sounds like a thought distortion in CBT to me. Imagining myself to be in the avoidant attachment camp, it's nightmarish reckoning with the reality of what my best efforts to be a good mom for my family did to my kids and their dad and now to the grandkids and in-laws. Wrapping my mind around an idea maybe of a love spectrum helps me think about how to keep living and loving after decades of therapy. My next best thought is that God is love so avoiding needing God is conditional and unhelpful. Thank you for your part in helping me see my part. Sincerely.