It's so interesting that you mentioned about it takes 3 months to know someone. I've been in 2 abusive relationships and they both "switched" from love bombing and being everything I thought I wanted, to a nightmare, at around 3 months. Because of them I had to create a "no commitment until 3 months" rule. This definitely worked! I'm now happily engaged after nearly 4 years with my fiancé.

@sbusisiweshaba1715

2 жыл бұрын

I agree most people show their true colors and intentions at the 3 month mark. People who don't see them this early, are merely ignoring the redflags or they don't know how to recognize them.

@taeminstrash

2 жыл бұрын

Same here! I counted three months after I met those individuals and it was the time that things got scary. Congrats on your engagement!

@VincentSyma

2 жыл бұрын

Actually... I did not realize it at all, but after reading your comment I did. With one exception, I had only 3-months relationships. Like exactly 3 months, and all of them fell apart in a bad way. I never thought about it in terms of "knowing each other". I am glad that you brought this idea, both Jono and you - thank you! :)

@BubbleGumBxtch

2 жыл бұрын

I was just saying that I need to be with a person just casually dating for 3 months before taking it serious. Congratulations on your engagement!!!

@ohminerva6

2 жыл бұрын

He says 3 months is the bare minimum. He also mentions those people who are in the “long con”. I’m happy things are looking up for you. Best wishes!✨

I met my husband at a church young adult group, we started of as friends. I was 22, he was 20 when we started dating. I told him the first date that “I date for marriage” as a bit of a way to scare him off if he wasn’t serious. He was, and 14 months later we were married. It will be our 12th anniversary next week 🥂🥰

@vikki8699

2 жыл бұрын

Congratulations to you both! 🥳🎉👏

@katrinamareen

2 жыл бұрын

isnt that was dating is supposed to be? I dont know, It seems normal for me because thats what I do. People dont do that? What do they date for?

@MrsMoore1

2 жыл бұрын

Such a sweet story! Congrats!

@LadyBug12ization

2 жыл бұрын

Wow hope you had a wonderful anniversary

@novaccinemandate7512

2 жыл бұрын

I love this! Happy anniversary

My husband proposed after we'd been dating for 10 months. I wanted to, but I was nervous that 10 months was too short a time, so I said yes, but we should have a long engagement period, so like...2 years. But then we both kept hitting road bumps in our careers and we had agreed not to start the planning process until we were both employed full time. And by the time that happened, I'd gone back to school to finish my degree, so we decided to wait until I graduated so I could focus on school. So the 2-year engagement period turned into an 8 year engagement period, but we got there in September 2018. 😀

@debymello4756

2 жыл бұрын

You guys sound like you've got good heads over your shoulders. Happiness to y'all

@MissMoontree

2 жыл бұрын

After that much time you have shown those vows, not just said them.

@kayteebarga9694

2 жыл бұрын

Congratulations!!!!! That seems like y'all went through a lot and ended up staying strong that's awesome.

@Nakia11798

2 жыл бұрын

Eh, it's whatever works best for you. My boyfriend's aunt has been engaged for 11 years now. They just never got the chance to get married, and then they stopped caring about marriage.

@tonicmale2145

2 жыл бұрын

Who brought up the full time employment requirement?

I had a series of 2 year relationships that ended because we were a good match, until we weren't. No big drama but often in your 20ies, you might not know where you want to go in life. Once you've figured it out, it might not be where your partner wants to go. You can find a way together, or you realize: I'm sorry, but you are not my priority (and appearently I'm not yours either). So I'd say, deffinitly don't get married before you know YOURSELF!

@Lydgendary

2 жыл бұрын

This! I was with my ex from age of 20 for almost 5 years. He was fine but we just weren't a good match. I completely grew out of the relationship to the point our personalities and goals were no longer compatible and he couldn't see it. He was devastated but I would have made him miserable eventually if we continued.

@pyxn420

2 жыл бұрын

That's a fair point. However, I don't think anyone knows themselves fully, like ever. On big decisions like kids, place to live, and such, I do think those should be talked about and established before marriage. But I don't think a person should have to be into marvel movies for the rest of their life, for instance. A person doesn't have to fully know themselves in that regard, only when it comes to things that are relevant for a relationship to work. And liking marvel movies is not one of those things, obviously. To know if they want kids or not, however, is surely relevant for a relationship to work.

@positivesoul.9490

2 жыл бұрын

So true. You don't get married before you know yourself!

@sumgirl720

2 жыл бұрын

I was actually expecting him to cover this in the video! It's really important for you to not only know yourself but for your partner to know themselves as well.

@teag6240

2 жыл бұрын

I've had a string of 1-2 year relationships that ended too in the same way. We didn't have an explosive break up or anything like that, I just either lost interest in the person or realized that I wanted something completely different than what the other person wanted. I'm now 29 so I really hope that things will change since I have a better grasp on myself and what I want out of life. I don't necessarily need to get married, but ideally I would like a relationship that lasts a lot longer than 2 years. lol I hope you ended up finding what you were looking for or at the very least are making steps towards it! Best of luck.

After dating my husband for only a few weeks I had a talk about my non-negotiable asks I suppose for us to continue the relationship! I was like “ok don’t freak out, it’s just that I really like you and I don’t want to get closer if it’s not going to work in then end because then it will be even more painful to break up then so here are my non-negotiables, I want to get married one day, I want kids, etc.” 😂 He took it in stride and well, the rest is history. I was very upfront about what I wanted.

@MendedLight

2 жыл бұрын

Well done!

@_IH_

2 жыл бұрын

Same, except that I didn't and don't want kids. I made it clear after about a month of dating for the same reasons you said and I would do it again if I found myself in the same situation. My husband and I have been together for twelve years now, married for three and a half, and honesty and communication have always been the most important things to us.

@clampmotosua1789

2 жыл бұрын

So why did you need a legal document to stay with him? Other than saying you're married what benifits apply? Are you saying that his love and support wouldn't be enough for you without a marriage?

@clampmotosua1789

2 жыл бұрын

@@MendedLight would love it if you addressed with logic as to why men should even marry. Is my love and support not enough? In that case anyone who puts marriage as a ultimatum is being manipulative right? All these comments are from women talking about their husbands because for the most part females are the ones who profit from marriages

@kelseycoca

2 жыл бұрын

I wish more people did this!

I met my husband on tinder, we dated for 6 months when he proposed but we talked about marriage at around the 4 month mark. We’ve been married for 6 years now and I’d say it’s successful. One of my best friends dated a guy for 7 years and their marriage ended in less than a year. So it’s all a roll of the dice.

@shirokira6513

2 жыл бұрын

It's only a roll of the dice if you decide to make it that. Be smart.

@irem8126

2 жыл бұрын

So nice to hear your guys' story. I met my boyfriend on tinder and we've been together for about 6 months now and everything's going great. I think we have something special that can turn into marrige one day and we're on the same page. But I'm worried if it's too soon to think about this stuff.

@useyourbrain6937

2 жыл бұрын

Tinder 😂😂😂😂😂

@bufficliff8978

2 жыл бұрын

I heard someone say that if there's a good reason you're not married or engaged after a few years then you should prioritize that reason and end the relationship. They said it better, and without the full context of the conversation there's obviously context missing, but it's advice that might have helped your friend. I'm sorry they went through that

@eurekahope5310

2 жыл бұрын

I appreciate your perspective. My parents married quickly, too. I wonder if there is a sweet spot that some couples miss because their values are either not developed or aligned. Exceptions excluded, but if it takes seven years to marry, marriage isn't a very high priority for one or both. Most people who believe marriage is a foundation for a long lasting partnership will be eager to marry once they meet the right person. In my acquaintance, I can only think of one couple who dated more than five years before committing. Sadly, they are divorced.

Have been divorced, and being a licensed therapist too, I’d say the quality of friendship is the most important part. Can you truly be yourself with this person? Are they your best friend? Do they value what makes you happy? I’d add that you both need to learn skills to handle conflict and take accountability which ultimately makes you a better person. I’m in a happy marriage now and I’d also add that you need to go for what makes you happy. Not what’s good on paper or what may make your parents proud of you. You got to go for the person is everything to you!

My 3 year wedding anniversary is in a week and I am still head over heels for my husband. We started dating in high school and then dated all through college. We've been together a total of 8 years now. We went through a lot together while dating and we both grew so much. I'm also proud of the work we've done to set up a strong foundation for our marriage. We have put in a lot of work to understand each other better and communicate our needs to the other. I feel like I'm more in love with him every day. He's also been a huge support for me as I've struggled with my mental health. He's someone safe I can go to. He doesn't always know how to help but he will be there with me through it.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

That is amazing, and so positive and exciting! I can hear that you are so in love with him and adore him by the way that you write. It's beautiful!

@clampmotosua1789

2 жыл бұрын

@@MendedLight mind making a logical argument why your supporting marriage? What makes a 30 year marriage better than a relationship of 30 years? What's the benefit?

@nothingnowhere2358

2 жыл бұрын

@@clampmotosua1789 I feel as though it's more so the concept of marriage and what comes along with it. The ceremony etc. Although not everyone's the same. Some people don't want a big wedding. Some people simply do it because it makes financial sense. I, personally, would do it only for that purpose. Then again, there's a separate religious marriage which needs to take place but that's different to a traditional western wedding you're thinking of. Societally, marriage is seen as a beautiful union of two parties coming together and binding their lives and families together. Of course you can say that they can still have that bond without needing "a piece of paper" as you like to say, to prove it. But I'm sure the majority of people don't think of it that way. It's okay if you don't agree with the concept of marriage but please be considerate of how others feel. I've seen your comments on other threads under this video and the tone of your messages _seems_ rather sharp and quite anti-marriage. That's perfectly fine if you don't agree with it. Everyone's different and entitled to their own opinion on the matter. I say this as an individual who doesn't care for marriage in regards to the legal side. However what I do care for is the representation and symbol of love it represents. It shows that they truly care for each other and are committed to each other for life. Mind you, both parties see it this way and decide to get married (at least in a healthy relationship.) I'm not saying that people *have* to get married to prove that they're committed to each other and that they love each other. I'm saying people *choose* to as a sign of their appreciation, love, and commitment to each other. Again, I'd like to emphasise that I don't care for marriage in term of "a piece of paper", I care for it for what it represents. And that's something truly beautiful *in my eyes.* And yet again, *your opinion may differ and that's fine!* Each to their own. I hope this answer sufficed to the comment I'm responding to as well as the other comments you've posted. I wish you all the best. Yours faithfully, An Internet Stranger

@BlueMoonlight777

Жыл бұрын

Sounds lovely. I wish that one day I can get that, too, what you two have :)

For me the secret was that my (future) wife seemed to always be on my side, and I was always on hers. Got married and 13 years later, we've never been unable to resolve a disagreement without arguing and we can rely on each other to support 100%. We also seem to have values that completely align. I tell people we've never argued and get told "fighting is part of a healthy relationship!" bullshit. We have the perfect partnership because we are always a team in everything.

@koalaeucalyptus

2 жыл бұрын

Whenever I hear that line, I always answer with "arguing and discussing problems is part of a healthy relationship, fighting doesn't have to be". A healthy relationship can include fights and get over them, and we should be able to get over them if it truly is healthy, but they are by no means a requirement.

@ambry99

2 жыл бұрын

This is great! My partner and I see arguing or having discussions as simply trying to resolve issues, but we are on the same team. It may feel uncomfortable and sometimes we get heated but it always ends in laughing about it, apologizing, or taking time to be with our thoughts and then bringing it up again later. I think whatever works best for a relationship is good, but seeing my partner as always on my side even when we disagree has been incredible for my personal development and our communication with each other.

@bch1992

2 жыл бұрын

I think the people who you are speaking to are probably confusing the word argument with disagreement. Having a relationship where you and your partner always agree on everything is nearly impossible; people are too different and individualistic to always have the same opinion on everything. Even if that something is as simple as chocolate or white milk. If you are in a relationship where you never disagree, it is likely that one partner is compromising their opinions and values completely for the other person, which is definitely unhealthy. But saying that you don’t argue when you disagree sounds to me like you and your spouse discuss what you disagree about and come to a solution/compromise which is extremely healthy!

@sbusisiweshaba1715

2 жыл бұрын

I love this. Please share your secret to not having fights and having a long successful marriage.

@laurie-annn2450

2 жыл бұрын

My boyfriend and I never argue also. I've been told that fighting is normal too, quite a bit. I think it also comes with each person's temperament (I've never argued with anyone in my life) and although he does, he communicates a whole lot more with me, which helps for sure.

Currently engaged (I'm 24, she's 25) we dated for 6 months then moved in together. We had been dating for 2.5 years before I proposed. We have now been together for over 3 years. I've only been in two other long term relationships but this one feels completely different. I pride ourselves on our communication skills and it feels super healthy.

I married the first man I was myself with. I could feel the difference immediately that I didn’t feel like I needed to be a version of me, I was just ME. But I also didn’t realize we were DATING, because it didn’t feel like anything I would have recognized as dating.

@Imokay1695

2 жыл бұрын

I'm not a woman who likes to decorate herself even in front of the person I am attracted to. I don't know which foot I put forward but I'm glad I stopped putting on make up in front of men, because I learned they didn't like my face without make up and started distancing themselves when they saw my bare face. My current boyfriend however, doesn't mind at all and even thinks that my bare face is the prettiest. I look a little weird putting on bright lip colors (I think so too) that's why I keep my make up to the minimum, always.

My husband and I each knew on our first date that we would marry. I literally heard a voice in my head that said so. I argued with it because he was the first in my casual dating agenda following a long term relationship. He doesn't remember a voice, but he called his mother after our first date and told her he had met his future wife. Neither of us told the other for months, afraid of scaring them off. After six months, we couldn't remember ever NOT being together, and we got engaged. We spent the next two years trying to save up for the wedding (tip: start saving at birth if you come from an Italian or French Canadian family. 300+ relatives are expensive!). Then we gave up and got married anyway without all the fuss. 26 years later we're still solid.

@kaylynchua9574

2 жыл бұрын

Oh on the saving part- how long is it alright to wait before wedding? In a sense me and my partner plans to prioritize getting a house first because we both like privacy and wishing to come home to each other + late night comforts without asian family's bs which tires both of us out to an unhealthy extend mental and emotional health wise.

@SouthCountyGal

2 жыл бұрын

IMO That's much more important to save up for than a wedding ceremony! But be careful of your well-being; sometimes it's better to settle for less than the perfect house you want and just get out from under the families' control sooner.

As I've gotten to know my husband, it strikes how genuinely 'him' he always is. It's been about 1 1/2 years since we got married, and generally, he is no different than the cute guy I met 2 years ago. There were never any walls or facade to get past. It's not hard to see that he is simply a good man - I'm very lucky to have him :)

@jodih.7470

2 жыл бұрын

🙌 yesss this is so important for me, for myself and to find someone like this

Thanks for this! My parents met and got engaged within 3 months and they were/are very incompatible (but they stayed together "for the kids" for 40 years, thus setting a pretty terrible template for us). I married my now ex-husband after 4 years of dating, *but* I didn't know myself and wasn't honest enough with myself before that point, so our foundation was cracked to begin with. I think all your points are great, but I'd add that one should evaluate *why* they feel driven to get married as well, and whether that drive exists outside of the specific relationship (e.g., "I'm supposed to get married to be a successful, normal person").

@tessat338

2 жыл бұрын

That's a very good point. I was in the opposite situation. My parents met on a blind date while in or going into the military, got assigned to duty stations on opposite sides of the world and wrote to each other for two years while dating other people. After their tours were up, my dad proposed. They had a good relationship and chose to work on their marriage through a program called "Marriage Encounter." They continue to be very happily married. After dating and after the end of one long-term relationship, I decided that I was going to try just dating again and not go right into another relationship. Then I met my husband, whose parents also had a great relationship and I fell quickly. He was a really nice guy. It seemed almost too easy and that we were too compatible. I had to stop myself and really examine who this new guy was, and not just how he was in opposition to my old boyfriend. I really made myself look at things to make sure that I was really in love with this specific person and not just "in love with love." What helped me was to put myself in the position of someone in a same-sex relationship, since this was when same-sex marriage was not yet legal. I had to ask myself, "What if it was marriage and public validation OR him?" "What if being with him meant that you would get push-back and that you'd miss out on the big, fancy celebration with your whole family? Would you still want to be with him if it meant giving all that up?" I realized that the answer was yes, I still would. Then I had to ask myself, "What if you two can't have children? Could you still be happy with just him? Is just being with him enough?" Again, I would rather that we could have children, but if we couldn't, then yes, he would be enough. So far, it's been great! The world has been almost too exciting and interesting in the past 20+ years, but between the two of us, there is peace, love and serenity. My ex-boyfriends are all perfectly nice, decent guys. They've gone on to marry other people and so far, all of them have been able to maintain apparently successful relationships, just not with me. And that is ok. I learned from those experiences and I ended up with a great guy and we lucked out to have a great kid. But that great kid is about to go off to college and though I will miss him, I am looking forward to the next adventure as just us as a couple.

My husband and I both admitted early on that we just sort of 'knew' that we were meant to be. 8 years later we are still best friends, through college, long distance, and taking chances moving across the country for work. Everything works with the right person.

Me and my husband have been married 10 years now. We dated for about 2 months, got engaged after a long discussion about it. And got married 3 months after that. The timeline is different for everyone. But I can happily say we did end up meeting a lot of those milestones together in a short time with lots and lots of honest and open communication

Some balance to the comments: I met my fiance online. We dated for 5 years when he proposed. We're now approaching 7 years dating, and we'll be married in May :) I couldn't be happier 💖 Just remember that just because you don't marry within a year or a few months like a lot of lucky people (and they're just that, lucky risk takers) doesn't mean you don't have a happy, quality or loving relationship. It will happen on your own time!

the 90 day rule totally blew me away. i had no idea, but all of my past relationships ended in three months. by the three month mark i would realize we wouldnt work and i would end it. my relationship now has just made it to four months. first time ive made it this far

About a week after my husband and I met we mutually agreed we wanted to marry each other. So we got engaged and started dating the same day. We then set a goal to get married in a year and until that time actively looked for all the ways we weren't compatible, red flags, etc, and started defining the family cultures we came from and building the one we wanted to share. We communicated EVERYTHING we could think of, broke up for a bit, and came back together. It worked for us!

Got married exactly 6 month after the first date. Almost 8 years together, and we just had our baby boy a few weeks ago. To be honest, the whole thing was quite in a rush due to paperwork. One of us was moving to another country and we had to make a decision quick. Was actually rather risqué, but I’m glad everything turned out to be so great 😄 Want to add that meeting through mutual friends was very beneficial. Both of us felt and behaved super natural around them. So there was no pretence and trying to look better than we actually are.

@eurekahope5310

2 жыл бұрын

Great point! Having a person thoroughly "vetted" by people you trust may allow that quicker timeframe. It is scary to meet a completely unconnected stranger and merge your lives unless than 3 months.

Future topic- setting boundaries with friends/family/spouse and how to bring up the conversation of the boundary with the person/people? Having been through therapy for over a year and a half, I know I still struggle with how to voice my needs when it comes to boundary placement when the other person is unaware they have infringed on where I need the boundary

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Excellent idea!

As someone who grew up in an environment where marriage was never presented as a goal and sex never a taboo I find the video and all the comments fascinating. So generally I have never thought of marriage as the end goal of a relationship and never felt like I needed to marry in order for my relationship to be considered comitted or long-term. In my immidiate family and friend group many people have been together for decades but aren't married. I also have a very different approach to sex ( and before anyone feels offended by my disagreement with Jonathan here, it is my PERSONAL approach and I'm not saying anyone else needs to have it. I'm just adding a different perspective) I have always enjoyed having sex with potential partners right away, firstly because I also enjoy casual connections, friends with benefits and relationships like that, as long as they are well communicated and mutually respectful, secondly because sexual attration is a big deal to me and the lack of it would be a deal breaker and thirdly because I don't see sex as this big connecting sacred thing at all. (And yes, I'm European and not American, for cultural context if that wasn't obvious,( and no, not french ;))

@tba7246

2 жыл бұрын

Now the french are offended XD. I spent some years in the US (yes another European here, not french either) and every time I talked to my friends about the attitude on dating, commitment and casual sex that I encountered and practised in my life I got the comment: " that is so european of you". The approaches are very different. I'd argue it's more important what kind of sex you have, rather than if you're having sex or not. Is it "I want to be as close as possible to this person I have deep feelings for" or "I just want to fuck". Those 2 scenarios look and feel very different and yes, most people are capable of both and ok with both, just make sure you are on the same page. So while dating you might start out with "I just want to fuck" (because I have needs and you probably don't want me to sleep with someone else while we get to know each other) and transition to "deep-connection"-sex once you feel committed enough. This was mind blowing to my state sided friends XD

@corneliahanimann2173

2 жыл бұрын

may I ask what culture you're from? I'm swiss, it's not like people in my environment don't think getting married is somewhat of an endgoal, but it's definitely not like, you are a failure like americans seem to think. Personally I never want to get married, especially because that means you pay more taxes lol, but also because I don't think it's important.

@lemondrizzlecake7766

2 жыл бұрын

I was looking for a comment like this!! I am also European and I could have basically written your comment word for word. Personally I wouldn't put "touch" at the bottom of the pile as something you should have less of all the other things, intimacy is a big part of establishing whether you even work as a couple for me. And I also have many friends who started off as casual hookups MANY years ago and are still in committed relationship sooo... I really think it's just a very cultural thing and it depends on how much weight and importance you put on it.

@kikiTHEalien

2 жыл бұрын

You are obviously not the intended audience at this point in your life. I am European, too, and have had my fair share of non-committal relationships, but the video is about something else.

@ariamoonfall4558

2 жыл бұрын

I feel like in the majority of europe it's not considered AS sacred as in the US.

For financial convenience (students) we moved in together after dating for 2 weeks. Got married after 1 year living together. We’ve been married for 12 years. We talk a lot about our mental health in a very open and respectful way. We both came from broken families so we respect each other’s needs… time to think, space to breath, silence for meditation and grounding support during C-PTSD flashbacks episodes. We are our own support system. Effortlessly we have deep conversations about life, afterlife, the universe…all before breakfast. The longer we live together the more we know and love each other.

If you were young and still trying to figure out life, dating for a longer period of time before marriage may be more helpful so you both can have room to grow as people before committing. My husband and I began dating when I was 19 and he was 22, we dated for 8 years before getting married, and we've been married for 4 years now. I barely knew who I was at 19 and it really had to take those 8 years for us to be at a place where we both were mature enough to understand what it meant to be in a healthy relationship. But for those who are older, who have got it more figured out, it may only take 6 months before committing.

I dated the guy I thought I would marry for almost 8 years, then he broke up with me completely out of the blue (seriously, he never even gave me a reason no matter how much I asked for one in order to have closure). Some time later, I met my current husband: we dated for a bit over a year and a half and got married. Over 4 years and counting. I don't believe in the extra-long game anymore, and I definitely regard marriage as a chicken detector too.

@NoName-sp5dp

2 жыл бұрын

Dating for over 5 years increases divorce rates actually so you dodge a bullet

I started dating my now-husband 3 months after we met. We got engaged 1 year after we started dating, and married 6 months after that. And everyone around us was saying we were going way too fast. This video felt rather validating for me, and the petty side of me wants to show it to everyone who thought they knew better than us what we should be doing.

I had been with my husband 11 years when we got engaged, and a little over 12 years when we got married. We've been married for 7 years now and we'll have been together for 20 years later this year. He was my first serious boyfriend (though I had dated a few guys before him) and we were only 18 and 19 when we first started dating, so we needed those extra years to reach a point in our own growth to feel ready to get married. We had to date long distance for a few years and then wanted to live together again for a good while, just to make sure that was still a good idea after the long distance period. We took our time, but I wouldn't have it any other way

Really great advice! I’ll have to share this video with my teens the next time we’re talking about healthy relationships. :-) My husband and I started officially dating in April, engaged in September, and then married in November. However, we had known each other and been close friends for *years* prior to that. We’d seen each other at our best and worst, and knew how the other person reacted to situations that were frustrating or difficult. I’m a little skeptical of “whirlwind courtships” because of the situation it has landed a couple of friends/family in, but it has worked out for some. I personally would not want to take the risk because of seeing it end in horribly abusive marriages in some cases.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Amen. There are happy marriages that result from quick courtships, but that's playing the odds. So many go the other way.

My parents never dated (an arranged marriage)... they celebrated their 30th anniversary last week... I believe more than how long you date prior marriage, but rather how much you are willing to compromise and put effort into your relationship

@Xia-hu

2 жыл бұрын

questions, are they happy or are they staying in the relationship because that is what society/upringing expects from them? Huge differences. In such marriages a lot of times one of the two people will make a much greater compromise - and it's usually the woman, to keep it going. If that's not the case for your parents, great.

@Ryan-ob6gp

2 жыл бұрын

I suppose the answer here is whether you value a relationship that is smooth and rewarding, or one that is always presenting a challenge you must overcome. Communication is key, of course, but some people will always present some fundamental dissonance that cannot be reconciled with all the communication in the world. If you live somewhere with arranged marriages where the society will punish you for not going along, and especially when kids are thrown into the mix, heavy compromise and effort may seem to be the only real options. Everyone will have their preference - to me it sounds like a nightmare.

@n.m.9938

2 жыл бұрын

@@Xia-hu typical western mentality. They have a stable and happy marriage. Much happier and successful than my western friends' modern parents marriages (many of them living with their second or third spouse... and still miserable and wanting for more). All relationships need compromises and both parties need to make it. Unfortunately, modern people forgot this and you can see the results: 60+ percent divorce rates, broken families, old age homes filled with people... arranged marriages have always been part of the societies and history and present (look at more conservative societies) show that they are way more successful than "love" marriages... if you get lucky with one in today's times, hey!!... more power to you... but statistics say another thing

This is great - nice feel, dropping the music made this more intimate and less sales-pitchy. I was with my partner for 7 years when we got married, and we even owned a house together at that point. It didn't work out in the end, but I think if it wasn't for the opioid epidemic our story would have turned out differently. There's no hurry to get married, though a wedding is a lovely and surprisingly (for me anyway) powerful event. we were both happy with the timeline, and I have no regrets. People often see divorce as some big failure but I do not. i'm glad I got married, I'm glad I had 10 years with my ex, we grew together and had a beautiful life for many years. Just don't see marriage as some kind of finish line. I'm 41 and surrounded by marriages - and it's definitely a VERB, not a destination.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Well said!

@monkeyzuncle1

2 жыл бұрын

I am asking my GF to marry me tomorrow (Eeep!) and this is exactly how I think I would feel if we were to divorce. If it were to end tomorrow, I would have no regrets. Beautiful, thank you for sharing.

@sundaycompass6587

Жыл бұрын

@@monkeyzuncle1 Did it work out?

My husband and I married 10 years after we started dating, and it felt like a nice cherry on top and a celebration of love. I think it’s very personal when you’re ready to marry and it can also depend on the age that you meet. But I do personally think it’s wise to wait 2 years until you get engaged if you have that luxury. And to be sure you’re on the same page on important topics (having children or not, sex, finances, religion, morals, can you emotionally support each other) and know what legally changes when you get married.

We met August 5th on a blind date. Engaged October 5th just before my mission reunion. Married December 30th. We have 2 ridiculously adorable daughters and just celebrated our 13th anniversary. It hasn't been easy. Very rocky at times. Lots of mistakes. But we are closer now than we have ever been. Date Nights are essential. Making time for intimacy is essential. Publicly showing affection for one another is essential. Publicly complimenting and praising each other is essential. Criticizing in private is essential. These are just some of the keys to our success.

I met my husband in high school, we've been together since we were 16/17 and we're now 35. We got married at 24. We've absolutely had our ups and downs, but overall we always made our friendship our top priority. We see each other as best friends, a team, who need to communicate rationally and voice what we need. It's worked well for us. I think my favorite thing about him is that we each are committed to the idea that we can't be "everything" to each other. We need our own hobbies/life/interests, etc. A red flag for me would be anyone that wanted to date me that sees me as someone who could "complete" them. No. You must complete yourself, I can only enhance.

My husband and I had known each other for 3 days less than six months when we got married. What we did have - what I think everyone should have - is a really strong, unmistakable spiritual confirmation that this was a good decision, but I know that's not for everyone, so... Anyway, what I wanted to say was that just because it was a "whirlwind courtship" didn't mean that we just rode off into happily ever after. The truth is, we didn't know how to talk to each other and resolve feelings in a healthy way. Especially not me, and when a seriously painful issue arose very early in our marriage, well, the second and third years were not pretty. tl;dr - Getting married quickly is not always a bad thing, but it does bring a set of risks and difficulties that a longer courtship may avoid.

I started writing an answer to your question and it's turned into an essay of our relationship history. Must revise! So short answer is: Hubby and I met first day of University Sept 2001, started dating Nov 2002, moved in together Sept 2006 (to a new city so i could do my second degree), got engaged Nov 2007, planned to get married in 2009 but the photographer we loved was booked, so we got married in Aug. 2010. We celebrate 11 years of marriage this year and 19 years together. I know folks who had shorter and longer relationships who have survived and some are divorced. I don't personally think there is a right time frame. It's definitely all about how you communicate and support your partner through conflicts.

@librosaurora1230

2 жыл бұрын

Wow you guys met at your early 20s how do you know you weren’t missing out as well as your husband? How did you guys decide when you both had different career paths? Like growing together and are you happy? Those are my questions I hope they’re not intrusive but I’m just curious

By the time I met my current husband, I'd had a lot of experience in dating / relationships. I developed a couple of 'rules'. My favorite of all time was Always check out the bookcase. If there is no bookcase RUN. Books (or the lack of them) tell a lot about a person. Now I also count Kindle. Another is Look at how the opposite sex parent is treated and talked about. I also had a timeline of date a year, live together a year, then look at marriage. We have gone through a lot and rolled with some significant changes. He knew I had struggles with mental illness, but it wasn't until 6 years of knowing each other I got the right diagnosis and treatment. I knew he had some form of neurodivergence, but it wasn't until 10 years of knowing each other we could really pinpoint it. And the rule that has kept things going? As long as you're trying, I'm staying. And we are trying - all the time. Coming up on 15 years of marriage, married on the 3rd anniversary of our first date.

@sbusisiweshaba1715

2 жыл бұрын

Explain the bookcase theory a bit more please. What type of books are you referring to? What is the significance of it all? I read fairly alot, but I prefer watching videos or listening to podcasts more and I don't have kindle.

@Hari-bz1mh

2 жыл бұрын

Could you elaborate on the opposite sex parent point? That would be really helpful, thanks!

@MrsYasha1984

2 жыл бұрын

Hah... I married my hubby on the 3. Anniversary of our first date too! He proposed after a year and we had a longer engagement of about 2years. Now married almost 17years with 20years together. 2children, and even though we had many hard, hard times together, we love each other more than in the beginning.

@Mondoshawn

2 жыл бұрын

That advice just shows that you probably attach attributes to random junk. You attached intelligence to books, so you think someone who has a lot of books is a more intelligent/refined person. But that is not how it works, especially in this day and age where everything is digital. Also, a person can put the finest books on a bookshelf or download it on a Kindle; it does not mean they even read or understood them. It's really easy to hoard a load of books and feel great about oneself, but is this a shortcut to better understand someone? I think not.

@Valeria-sx7uv

2 жыл бұрын

Your rules are great! I love books a lot myself (Kindle person), so I definetely paid a lot of attention to that aspect too! As well as relationships with family.

My husband and I met when we were fifteen. We were just friends for two and a half years (during which time I had a crush on him but he was dating someone else and I was cool just being his friend), dated through college (about five years) and got married five months after I graduated. We went through pre-engagement counseling twice to make extra sure (and also to wait until he had a job before we got engaged). We've been happily married for just over eight years. Knowing the kind of person he was before we started dating helped me trust him and his growth process, his decision-making, his integrity, and his resilience. We've weathered a second college degree for me, the rise and fall of a new business for him, a very late stillbirth, moving during a pandemic, and raising our amazing toddler together. I'm excited for the next many decades with him and I'm glad we took the time to really figure out who we were together before getting married and then before having children. Thank you for a video full of such great advice! I'll definitely bring it up when we start talking to my kid about dating in the future.

I'm not married yet! But been with my partner 9 years, and we were friends for a year and a half before dating. I love coming home to him, the main thing about our relationship is that we are friends first, we genuinely love being around each other. We also both check in with each other about not wanting children, neither of us want kids but we check once or twice a year to make sure that hasn't changed, because neither of us want to stop one of us from being truly happy.

Timestamps for personal use: 1:22: starts talking about 5 checkpoints 2:30: begins talking about how to get to know someone

I’ve had seven boyfriends, I think. One relationship lasted three years, another four years. I think the last relationship (the 4 year) really helped me learn to communicate and live with someone. But I also think all the experience helped me to understand what I want from a relationship. I have to say my longest relationships were with some really great guys and I hope only the best for them. One thing I think I will do in the future is to not stay in relationships I’m already having significant doubts about, because it gets harder to leave the longer you’re with them. I wish I could be more like my mom who only dated non-exclusively (and had sex exclusively) until she got married, but that’s not a very easy thing to do. I’ve heard that if you make it past the 2-year mark in a relationship that’s a good sign. I think conflict typically happens around that time. I’ve also heard that you are more likely to stay in a relationship where the other person treats you at least as good as you would treat yourself. So treat yourself well and show yourself kindness!

I've been proposed to before and each time I'd ask myself if I saw them as a partner for life/father of my children. Each time was a no. I'll wait till I ask that question and get an automatic yes from myself. Edit: I don't have children but I want to be able to see the man I'm dating as a father.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Excellent point!

In my experience, it takes 3 months to get to know someone, but roughly a year to see what direction they're growing, and to see if that direction is compatible with the direction you're growing. People change, and for a relationship to last, I think it is important to know the direction your partner is growing in that change. I'd also say it's important to grow together, because if you aren't helping each other to learn and grow and just watching each other, you'll loose some really vital bonding moments and moments where you can both grow without leaving each ther behind.

I think the experiences you go through with someone is a big determiner of how much you really know them, thereby affecting the "how long before you marry them" question. My fiance and I have been together for nearly 6 years now, and about 4 of those years has been living together and engaged (never planned it to be this long before marriage but stuff happens, waiting for me to finish school and such) but we knew we were going to get married and be together for the rest of our lives from very early on, because at the beginning of our relationship, we both went through major life event together and supported each other, from mental health stuff, to career and schooling changes. We also both discussed fairly early on our expectations for our lives, and are very candid and open in our communication.

@koalaeucalyptus

2 жыл бұрын

This is a very important point! My case was very similar, my partner and I knew we were with the right person very soon, as we went through and supported each other in hardships that would make most early relationships fall apart. That way, we already knew we could truly count on each other.

God, this guy strikes in the perfect spots. It's been a while since I randomly stood by some SOLID advices like this. Definitely worth watching the whole thing and taking notes.

Great advice! I reached the other side and said (after 6 years of dating) we either need to take this relationship to the next level or we need to call it quits. A relationship can’t really just exist, it needs to grow and change as you do.

@heart.9889

2 жыл бұрын

I agree but I wouldn't agree that marriage is necessary for that. Also if that's the only change in your mind, what happens after marriage? No real next step anywhere

@DirtyPrancing

2 жыл бұрын

Never marry someone who wasn't enthusiast about it at every point

This is honestly one of the best videos about relationshis. I don't necessarily share all the ideas, like the one on phisycal involvment, but I agree with the cautionary advice about how much we may fool ourselves about percieved closeness after the intercourse. One thing I realized in my relationship history is that the more curious and free of rigid ecpectations( about what new relationship should be )you are, the more that relationship is likely to be wholesome and happy, because you allow it to freely grow into what it feels best to the people involved.

he’s so easy to listen to and absorb info from

looking back at my first relationship there were a few red flags, and a lot of yellow flags. While I have a tendency to fold easily, looking back, I think he had a tendency to manipulate me to get what he wanted. Especially in the realm of touch. I’ve learnt to make stronger boundaries and maintain them. It was a learning experience.

Been watching you on cinema therapy for ages! Been wondering if you have more videos and viola! You turned up on my feed. Great stuff! Thanks for going in deep with this and the knowledge you share. We need more in depth stuff in this world. 🙏

I absolutely loved this video, my husband and I have been married for 14 years, met in high school, were friends for 2 years before we dated for 4 more and then got married, we intuitively did each point. It was so awesome to see them explained so concisely, I will definitely use this video to explain relationships to our children in the future.

This is the most sound and straightforward relationship advice I have seen yet, thank you 💚

Commitment is how exclusive you are, wow. That puts a different lense on everything. My tip is, when someone shows you they really are, BELIEVE them.

Knowing, trusting, relying, committing, touching. Great model! Thank you!!

I loved your Jerk class in 2013 Jonathan. I wish I’d had it in my teens! It would have saved me decades of grief. I have the principles in the book to many people. 😊

My husband and I are citizens of different countries. I had the advantage of knowing him for 5 years before we started dating, three of which "in the same space." I and the rest of the group hung out at his place at least once a week during that time. There was so very much to learn and adjust to when we were finally able to live together 3 years after we were married!!! You can visit your long distance partner a lot but one of you is always at least a little bit on vacation, in my experience. I think this video is well done.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you, and so true!

This video helped me more than 5 years of counselling. Thank you so much!

The question asked and the way you approached the answer were perfect.

This is an amazing video, kudos to you!! It's so clear and concise and your voice is very soothing ;) I wish this video and these kinds of messages would be shown to high school kids everywhere! I am 25 and only in the last 2 years have been learning about this 'proper way', so to say, of starting a relationship. I wish I had known sooner!!

Omg that shade of yellow around your skin and eyes is mesmerizing, love it! Thanks for the great content too!

I wish I could have you as a therapist. I love your videos both on here and cinema therapy. You really understand people

Within two weeks of my dating my special gal, I decided to discuss boundaries. it was useful, and important

As someone who has no experience with relationships I find this very informing but at the same time... reassuring somehow?

You are recommending that book a lot - I got it after the first recommendation I saw of yours and am looking forward to reading it during my holidays in February. Because man do I need to learn how not to fall in love with a jerk. Please keep recommending books that you think give good input - I really like the way you see and talk about things so I believe I'd enjoy most of what you recommend. :)

Great video. I think a lot of people think of marriage as the end-goal, traditionally, and it really takes away from the whole experience before that. My partner and I have been through tough and good times in the 5 years we've been together, and to be honest, getting married didn't change anything, it was more of a formality after years of already living together and being wholeheartedly committed to each other. When me and my partner first got together, we followed a bit of a different path -- we started as a casual thing online, escalated to casual sex, and eventually did fall in love. To me, physical intimacy is much less valued than an emotional one, so the direction is a little backwards. I was always very upfront with my thoughts, opinions and feelings, especially when we still weren't on the same page emotionally (it took a while longer for me to get to the same 'love level'). My partner had already expressed they wanted to marry me someday. I wasn't in a rush, we dated for a while, we lived together for around 2 years, and finally one day we felt like it would be right. We talked, and got engaged. We've been officially married for around a year and a half now. But the only reason both of us even considered getting married was because we had already talked, while dating, about our values, the things we expected and wanted of the future, whether or not to have kids, how we would raise them should we have them, the very specific need for a big dog (or two, working on that second one hehe), and general beliefs. Most people, in my personal experience, say they want an open communication and like direct people, but they really don't, and don't accept it very well in practice, but communication and straightforwardness were always important to me, and finding someone who appreciated that and saw the value in that was really special to me.

Great video! My LP and I took our time with our relationship and we don't regret it. We were 15 and 16 when we met. I didn't realize I was aroace spectrum so I was trying to figure out why I had no interest in dating or physical contact while my very well meaning friends kept pushing me at people I had no interest in. The second I saw my LP, I somehow knew. It wasn't love at first sight because I didn't know anything about them, but I was completely convinced for no reason that we were going to be together. Friends for a year. Dated for 7 years. Will have been married for 9 years in April. Now I get to make people sick telling them I got it right the first time.

I met my husband in the college marching band (one point for shared experiences, lol). Our first date would be considered boring by anyone else, but is quintessentially us. We sat on the floor of his dorm room watching Back to the Future 3 from the school library on a black and white tv. We ended up in a 45 minute discussion about how unrealistic the steam train scenario was because most trains back then could easily hit the 100mph mark and that led to a realization that we both adored roller coasters (still do, both of us hit our 200th coaster mark years ago). I was a freshman pharmacy major, he was a senior electrical engineering major with a comp sci minor. And both of us are still major geeks. We decided at the outset that if it worked out for us, we were not getting married till I finished school (5 year program). We took our time, spent as much of it together as we could (he worked 1.5 hours away from where we went to school so he came down every weekend and couch surfed just so we could see each other). He proposed 2.5 years later and 5 years in, after I graduated, we got married. Its been a long go. We lost two of my grandparents within the first 2 months. It will be 22 years next summer. It has not been perfect. We have had health hiccups, he graduated from his PHD and we migrated half way across the country for a teaching position in Wisconsin, his dad passed a couple years back and we are trying to move his mom here (he is an only child). But through it all, we have been there for each other. I think part of it is that, while we have a lot of shared interests, we also acknowledge that we have some vastly different ones as well and make space for the other to enjoy. For instance, he goes to the model train shows either solo or with the kids now and I take them to the Ren Faire.

This is by far one of the greatest psychology videos I've ever seen - and I've had my fair share. Truly made things a little more clear for me and I'm truly grateful.

This is awesome. I learnt a lot of this the hard way through my own experiences. I met my husband and we had so much talk and togetherness that we were engaged in 3 months and married at 5 months. We have a child now and still happily married 4 years on. It hasn't been easy but we have been good to one another and i can honestly say our relationship is better now than when we first fell in love and we keep learning and growing together. The best part of pur marriage is our honesty 👨‍👩‍👦😊

Hello, I was very happy to see you have a second channel! My wife and I love your episodes. It actually led to her wanting to watch certain movies you covered such as Addam's Family. Anyhow, we are not very traditional individuals at all and we have a very nontraditional type of relationship. We have been together for over a year and are getting our official ceremony on the 6th of Feb, but we already went through our engagement phase, and we thought we might have just been Covid buddies, but mostly because we were friends that went to friends with benefits, but she and I were deeeeeply compatible in all areas, so we spent a ton of time together, but we also spent a lot of time thinking about how we have more to learn about each other and to do bug scan and system checks on how our relationship might play out and if it was really for us. It did take a lot of time. and I figured it out months after she did that we really wanted to be together. The shifts were subtle, but I had all sorts of commitment issues. I guess we both did. But being nontraditional and all that, we've always been suuuuper real and honest with each other whilst also being approving, accepting and admiring of one another's insights and how our values just really matched. It was really a long road getting to this point, even after getting engaged, for 3-4 days sometimes a week at a time, I'd really question if I REALLY wanted to marry her. There were all sorts of inner wounded children in me that needed to be healed. I started to realize that I really needed to commit deeper and really prepare for us to be married. soooooo many things change from that point. I am really glad that we did everything just as we did. It was a long road. But we both grew sooo much, especially me! In ways that I didn't even know I needed to I was able to get some paradigm shifts through analyzing the logic of my inner wounded children and started having discussions with them, Listened to the mindsets that had come from a lot of trauma. I feel so comfortable in my decision now. She is my best friend and we are marrying, more than anything, for the level and strength of our friendship. All this to say, I struggled to find the answers I needed. And I am thinking there might be at least a few others that struggle with this, but it was really difficult to find people who knew what was up on the internet. the advice for this specific thing was hard to find. Then I watched videos about how to know whether you're making the right choice, and based on all of that--I realized we're soulmates and I was relying too much on what a teenage me was thinking about what a marriage and future partner had to be...it was very validating to see and know that. I hope you could maybe do a video about commitment issues and working through one's traumas to better see the answers of whether someone is good for you or whether you are even ready for a relationship or whether your traumas are holding you back. Anyhow thank you for reading!

Every time I'm going through a crisis... I think of you, Claire... I remember how incredibly special is to exist and being here... you inspire me so much, I wish you were here, I didn't get to know you personally, but you will forever live in my heart ♥️

So I don't know if this counts as answering the question or not but I've been watching your videos here recently and over at cinema therapy for awhile now and I just wanted to thank you. Your videos on relationships have helped me a lot because I did fall in love with a jerk and it left me insecure about ever being in a relationship again because it really messed me up and I didn't want that all over again. Years later I met someone who I really wanted a romantic relationship with and they wanted me back and we had been friends for over a year I had no reason to believe they'd hurt me but I was so scared about making the same mistake. Your content helped me find security in my current relationship. I can say with confidence that I am in love with a partner who loves me back and genuinely cares for me. They're so kind and sweet and patient with me. I am truly in a better place mentally so again thank you.

I like that you highlight trust many times. What separates my husband of almost 14 years from my high school and college boyfriends was trust. He showed me with his words and actions I could always trust him. We eloped 1 year after we met and are more in love today than when we dated and got married.

Thank you for this informative look at how to start a healthy relationship. My past relationships didn’t work because I started at the physical end. My parents are incredibly sexual and I think that caused me to overprioritize sexual compatibility. Now I’m interested in a man who I would like to start a family with and naturally I have remain abstinent so we could build something foundational. I’m at the commitment stage and it’s great to have achieved the rest in the order you suggested. I know this is the right way, and I look forward to sharing a healthy connection with him.

I love the structural thinking and therefore the simple way you describe such complex concepts! I’ve met my husband at the university, we have been together for 9 years now, 2 years married. 💜One of the reasons we so close I think is because we became full adults together. We shaped each other, exploring, learning, discovering who we are and who we want to be. We are still only 30. I have lot of single friend and they are struggling to find a match. I know that in your 30’ the timing is different than it was with us, but I feel this fixation on time can be a barrier itself. What I see is they stuck on the ‘knowing’ phase and if they face any imperfection they treat it as a red flag and move on, telling “I don’t have time to waste on someone who…” What do you think about that? Maybe I’m just overthinking and there are lot of jerks out there and I just got lucky 😅

@sbusisiweshaba1715

2 жыл бұрын

Yup there alot of jerks out there, but also alot of good guys. You got lucky. Lol. I'm 31, soon to be 32 and I wish I'd been cutting off people faster earlier, cause those redflags end up causing a breakup and alot of time wastage, but ofcourse breaking up because of "any kind of imperfection" is taking it too far, nobody is perfect. I hope to meet my husband next.

@mizknack5082

2 жыл бұрын

I see where you're coming from but I think that you're looking at it from the wrong angle. Your friends became "full adults" during the same time you did, and it seems like they know who they are and what their deal breakers are. It's true, in my 30's I was not going to spend time waiting for someone to decide to change into someone else I was more compatible with. I had friends and goals and experiences that taught me to believe people when they showed me who they were. There are lessons that people learn in their 20s and if they hadn't landed around me in terms of values and outlook by their 30s, I wasn't willing to force the issue. Been married for 9 years now, so it worked out well for me.😊

@shamstam

2 жыл бұрын

I think that rejecting people with certain flaws really limits the opportunities they have. A lot of compromising goes into healthy relationships, as well as accepting the other's humanity and imperfections. If the so-called "red flags" actually are red flags, then good on them for spotting them though. But I feel like fixating on finding "the one" or just in general a "perfect" partner, really can limit and possibly completely overshadow any potential healthy relationships that could be formed.

Great advice especially about long distance. I did that for about 6 months with a great guy when I was in my late 20's. I learned that I shared my ideal self with him. It wasn't that I was intentionally lying, but what I think and dream of doing are not always standards I can really live up to. And, he had habits in person that drove me nuts, but I couldn't see them until we spent time in person. I also like that you shared meeting your wife. I've found that if a man doesn't even put in effort on the 1st few dates, he's not going to ever put in effort and that spills over into other aspects of his life too.

When you said that we ignore red flags because of what we want and what we think we could create, I had to pause the video because my mind was BLOWN. Not necessarily abuse red flags but incompatibility red flags. I tend to get attached and trust and commit to the person too quick so red flags will come before the 3 months up but I'm so emotionally invested already that it shatters me, so I try to make it work. Wow.

I fell deeply in love with my partner 3 months after meeting for the first time. We moved in together 7 months later and got married 12 years ago so far. We are kind of young, but we've been really happy. It has been long, not easy in a lot of times, but really happy in the end. I think our ability to convert everything in a game or a song is one of the things that bring us together everyday. I like your videos. Keep on

Met my husband on tumblr. lol. We talked for years before we finally met and that was the confirmation we needed. We got engaged 6 months later that summer and married the year after.

I connected with my husband on Tinder, not looking for anything serious. We were talking about marriage two months into the relationship, engaged two months after that, and married three months after that! It’s cliche, but it just felt right. I can count on one hand how many *actual* fights we’ve had. We’ve been married almost five years now and we’re at the best place we’ve ever been! This is a fantastic video. Great content!

Have to say that was brilliant, been enjoying your cinema therapy but I needed this video. Keep rushing to get to where I was in last relationship, where as that one went through the stages, latest haven’t been, and of course pandemic tricky to date . Getting better at spotting red flags/non compatibility. I wonder who would want to join my crazy creative KZread life but love your humour and self expression, and certainly know your stuff. So much packed into this video. Definitely never know someone until in same space :) in no rush, I have a lovely artful life but definitely nice to share life with someone and this was amazing, will be ordering that book :)

Thanks for this. Even though my brain knows this, it's so hard with social pressure to keep things in the right order. I really appreciate your advice and work. Thanks.

This was very insightful! My boyfriend and I have been exclusive for about 2 years. I say that because we dated, then broke up because he graduated college. It wasn’t super healthy the first time around, so after summer had passed he asked me out so we could clear the air. He showed so much emotional maturity and gave the most sincere apology I’d ever heard. I thought that was going to be it and we’d go on being friends (we share a lot of mutual friends). To make a long story short, we already had that time and togetherness but we needed to talk more and push “reset” on the time. It’s nearly been a year now and we’ve both grown and changed together for the better. We’ve been thinking about marriage a lot, and are eager to get there. The only thing holding us back now is that our parents think we’re too young😅 I’m 21 and he’s 23

my husband and i moved fast but it works for us we are open and talk things out even if we need to take brakes to calm down first before we talk. honestly it just worked because he was willing to talk and be calm in a way i never knew i needed. we dated 6 months engaged one month and have been married 4 years so far and we work so well together and have a blended family.

This just came up on my recommended. Me and my boyfriend have been together seven year - still waiting for that ring!

i actually just came here cause i was procastinating work and damn, that was such good advice. these sentences resonate with me as a woman who was heavily traumatized during childhood and had to learn "how do you trust, commit, rely and know" a person and myself. i asked so many times "but how do i know how much i can trust someone, how do i know that a person feels good when i am sometimes attracted to the opposite of what feels good?" i came so far already, i went from keeping all people at distance to a very commited partner in a healthy relationship. but i still got work to do, thats why im still in therapy and talk very frequently with my partner about him, me and us together. thank you, that was a pleasant surprise

Hello I love your channle I am in a long term relationship going on 5 years we go engaged Dec 2021. I am blessed with a good hardworking man. ❤

I Appreciate this info Jonathan, good stuff, wise stuff people need to know. Nice shirt too! Good colouring for you. I'm sure nobody really wants me to go into detail about my relationship mistakes! But Man! I am being waaaaay more cautious than I was in the past, thanks to all the good stuff I have learned on KZread. Watch out for limerance everybody. That's my 2 cents. Good point abut sharing geographic space.

I’ve been talking to a guy for 2 years but we’ve only been really seeing each other for 1 year… we don’t want to rush it but a week ago, out of the blue, he told me that he loves me. I didn’t respond because I wasn’t paying attention but it was an after thought and in a message, I told him that I’m not ready to say it back, I’m not mad at him but shocked and still is. I like this guy a lot, we need more time getting to know each other and we still have to meet our families, which we will in time. We know it takes time for people to know each other and we want to do this right, him and I have been through some tough relationships and we think we are good together.

My family met my husband before I did, and it was by their encouragement that we started talking. We are of the same religion, so he was serving a mission for our church in my hometown while I was serving my own elsewhere. After we had both been home for a while, he reached out to meet me and to see how my family was. This led to us talking on the phone, video calling, etc. for about 3 months before we met in person. Then on our first date in person we got engaged 😅 we had both been very candid and vulnerable in our conversations, and felt that it was right, that we had found our best friend. He then moved to where I was at for school and we spent 4 months together in person before getting married; we're now at 2.5 years of marriage. Whenever I share our story, a lot of people feel we moved really fast, and even I feel we did, but I feel we put in the work during the dating and engagement process to build a solid relationship. Since getting married we've had our moments, but we're committed to each other and have learned how to adapt and change with one another so that we can grow individually and as a unit.

Your videos are always so reassuring. Thanks for making them! ❤️

I had plenty of off-and-on relationships and my last one taught me something I didn't know I needed. We met on a daying site, were emailing, then talking by phone. The togetherness was the key. I realized that he wasn't for me after we spent the weekend together. BUT he showed me that he saw the real me and that a man who is serious in his intentions will make a move whenhe was ready. I didn't have this "will he? won't he" dance to deal with. He stepped up and made his move which gave me room to receive and just relax and make my moves. Been single ever since and I am happy, so,I don't have this need to be in a relationship or prove I'm worthy. I got the memo😊

My partner and I moved in together after 4 ish months. The living situation was awful due unrelated reasons and we definitely saw the worst of eachother, but we were deeply in love. And we still are. I have absolutely no regrets but I would not recommend my situation, as there's a lot I left out that is weird about our situations. Great video btw :)

You're such a goofball, and I'm here. For. It!! 🙌🙌

This is really really helpful, I’ve never dated before(and probably won’t for a while) and I had a sort of idea of what to do and not do but I definitely needed this.

This was beautifully spoken and along with gentle encouragement.

I met my 2nd husband online and we began to talk on day one about our expectations and goals. We got engaged after 8 months, marriage counseling for over a year along with us planning the wedding. We have been very intentional about our relationship and wanted a solid foundation before we started building our life together.

Together with my partner for 4 and a half years, we have been engaged for 1 year. I still want to wait for a few years till I get married. Great video!

I have been reading that book and i love it~ but i would love for you guyz to make a detail on the steps, because i want to understand what falls into reliance, commitment, and touch. Like, for example you gave a more detailed on knowing and trusting them, but my troubles are understanding exactly what kind of things/actitudes/etc fall into the last three steps but in this video it was simplier. Having you guyz explain those steps in a detailed way would be awesome~ Really enjoying ur videos btw!

really appreciated the part about family background! i've always refused to believe we're doomed to just dublicate our parents' experience in marriage, but oh how often do i hear people simplify the matter. also, it's not just your immediate family that you can learn from. my parents got divorced before i was 6, and my husband's parents carried on with the pretence of a marriage long after the marriage died. and then in my extended family there's all sorts of divorces and new marriages and kids from different marriages, and all sorts of examples how things can be done when the marriage is over. as for me and my husband, we met through a mutual friend, soon after that we started dating, quickly moved in together, and got married after a year and one month together. (i actually realised i wanted the legal status when my mom died after a week in the hospital, and marriage is the only legal form where we live). next week we're celebrating 9 years together. i think a key part of our relationship is that we let each other be ourselves, and it's been that way from early on.

My husband and I met in high school at 17 and were friends who crushed on each other and didn't want to mess up the friendship through graduation, going to different colleges, and serving simultaneous missions for our church at 21. We had contact the whole time: some in person, some emails and phone calls, and finally letters during the mission because that was all that was allowed. His brothers made him date some other girls when he got home but after years of friendship and growing up together and on our own we got married at 24. This year will be our 20th anniversary and we have two kids. He's still my best friend and the person I want to see most every day.