I always figured if they weren't dating or sleeping with them before, they're probably not going to start now. That would be really odd. Also my parents did trust each other and they made it 48yrs before she passed. Both had friends of any gender and when at a HS reunion some woman was flirting with my dad while mom was trying to not laugh at her. Eventually she asked for my dad's number and he said, "Sure! See the woman over there in the pink dress?" "Yes" she said. "Well that's my wife and I'm sure she'd love to give you my number." Mom said the look on her face was priceless.

@atinyevil1383

2 жыл бұрын

That’s how I feel about my SO and his best friend. They’ve been friends for about a decade. If they wanted to do anything with each other, it would have been way before now. They’re like siblings. If I don’t think my SO would sleep with his bio sister, why would he sleep with his best friend?

@freakychick1978

2 жыл бұрын

@@atinyevil1383 Exactly! Especially if they were friends while being hormonal teens. As for everything else I don't see the issue if you trust your SO and if someone can't... Well that's a larger issue than coffee with another person.

@bridgetcooney5085

2 жыл бұрын

That flirting story reminds me of my dad. Not the greatest physique, but he's got a handsome face, and gives off very strong "safe/good man". Women would flirt with him openly in front of my mom, all the time, and he'd be friendly but not flirty. My mom never batted an eye. But she would tease him mercilessly later.

@whoah567

2 жыл бұрын

It might seem "odd" but statistically that is what happens. Most of the time when people cheat it is with someone they know well. Not saying that is the case for any specific couple. But we shouldn't just write off those who have trust issues with their spouse and the opposite gender as being irritational. A lot depends on the history of the relationship itself as well.

@hhholsteiners

2 жыл бұрын

@@whoah567 people don't generally introduce their fwb to their spouse. They only introduce their friendzoners.

As a single person who has a lot of married friends, my personal stances are - that I'm friends with the couple, and I honor them both at all times, even if and maybe especially if I'm not close to with the wife - if my male friends start comparing their wife to me, that's an immediate stop to the conversation. I'm not particularly fantastic as a woman or anything, but people get frustrated about all kinds of silly or important things, and venting is fine, but if you're telling me and not *her* about it, it's a problem. - nicknames, one on one meetings and physical contact (hugs, mostly) are ok for me always, but may not be for your SO, so their boundaries apply. - don't spend time, money or whatever resources on me that you're supposed to spend on your family, and if you're helping me out with whatever, your SO needs to ok it and can withdraw that help whenever they want - I won't give unsolicited opinions or advice about your relationship, but if you ask me, I'll give it to you straight. I won't take sides (unless there's evidence that someone is not safe), but I won't coddle you or tell you what you want to hear. - I will NEVER cover for or lie for you to your spouse. Physical, financial, emotional infidelity is never justified. I'll help you leave a bad situation and support you through a breakup, but if you're out of love or whatever, leave the relationship first, *then* sort yourself and find a new partner - I won't be condescended to or be pitied by your SO because I'm single, and I don't need them to fix me up with anyone. I wont submit to questions or interrogations about my life. I'm happily single and have been for a long while, and will likely remain that way. If that makes people uncomfortable, then we can cool it, but I won't be attacked, singled out or tolerate any disrespect because of it.

@samf.s8786

2 жыл бұрын

As a woman, I honestly feel like it's more comfortable when I know both partners and am friends with both, because at least that way you know if their relationship has any problems, and you can choose to be a stronger friend for HER, the wife/GF. When you're only friends with the flirtatious one, then it's kinda clear that there's a good chance this person is doing the flirtation behind their partner's back. I don't feel comfortable with that tbh. I once had a friend who "flirted", and I missed out on all the cues because I chose to believe it was innocent. I chose to believe he wouldn't cheat on his wife. I chose to be naive and believe "the good" in people. It was not, it was ugly! It ended in a way where I was blindsided by a kiss I would have never consented to (Edit: And felt violated by when it happened) and a desire to punch the ***k out of that guy for being such an abusive and manipulative piece of garbage. Gets worse, he cheated on his wife who had his children, her baby had just turned one. I am not about to go into what should have happened between him and his wife because it's none of my business. But trust me, this "innocent" flirtation was something he was trying to turn into something else. And it's funny that even if I was not such an airhead his actions would still qualify as "mixed signals", never stating any thing about his intention to cheat or that he's interested in me romantically or sexually. I swear I met with him three times, and apparently he tried to make them seem like they were dates, but THEY WERENT! I got together with a friend, we did some catching up, and he told me what the next steps were regarding this unbelievably important for my life application I was going to start filling out and eventually submit. I thought he found me attractive but a lot of guys do that, and it didn't matter because we were friends. I was out of his league (Really far out), so in my head, I was like HIS SISTER. But nope! This was about trying to sleep with me which not only caused me to be absolutely disgusted, but to not trust any guy who's flirtatious. May not have been their intention to cheat from the beginning, but maybe they were too enticed by the idea later on. Everytime I remember this I feel like vomiting. Someone I know is currently doing something similar and I can't do jack about it. It kinda frightens me... I'm also crap because I'm nice to people who scare me in order to hopefully avoid their unpleasantness. I still have a service I am receiving from this gentleman which is important to me.

@joslin7tj

2 жыл бұрын

Very good personal ethics!

@muurrarium9460

2 жыл бұрын

Hell yes! As a long term single as well: you nailed it!

@muurrarium9460

2 жыл бұрын

@@samf.s8786 maybe just print out the 'rules' as stated above and hang them in a place he will see them? Many (creepy) guys will consider a nice, easygoing, complient woman as an invitation to open the hunting season. So it is up to you to let them know "no hunting on my property". You do not owe anybody anything in return from a favor! (Because then it is a deal! And you should be in on the negotiations.) You are not a prostitute (and they have even more rules about what and what-not). You CAN do jack about it. (remember the magick word: "NO")

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

sounds reasonable as an aro ace its a bit different for me, like no one I am genuinly close with would think of cheating with me nor would their partners if they got any commen sense. my principles are: 1. If I am friends with both I keep out of their relationship unless asked and if asked, I will be not taking sides. 2. If I am not friends with both, I will follow my friends lead with how much closeness is ok while keeping what I know of the partner and their reactions in mind. 3. I will absolutly spend time alone with my friend but not doing anything, I would not if their partner where there . . . not counting comfortably speaking, I am somewhat sociophobic so a partner I am not clicking with might shut me up. 4. If I see any chance, that my friend might not be able to keep affectionate friends and a potentional partner straight I will keep my distance no matter how ok their partner is with us cuddeling up. I have no interesst in breaking someone up or have anyone hit on me. 5. if I get to know someone new I am very careful in establishing a dynamic and bounderies especially in regards of a relationship, but if my friendship procedes the relationship and I know my friends gets a lot our of my closeness, then the partner has to live with that! I will not abandon a friend over a toxic controlling partner they will not be staying togeather for long anyway for they are just that dismissiv of my friends needs.

The problem is most people don't have healthy boundaries, and if they have unknown issues (like seeking attention) then it's a risk. Period.

@annieacevedocruz

13 күн бұрын

Period!

People are quick to label and flag anything that might be jealously or possessiveness, but sometimes that makes it hard to ask for basic levels of consideration and decency. I had a partner who was friends with a woman who he didn't introduce me to until a whole 5 years into our relationship. It got to the point where (while I was away looking after family) he invited her and her whole family around to our apartment for new years eve. It was another two years from then before I met her. I couldn't express any negative feeling about this situation though without being accused of jealousy and paranoia, even though what I was asking for (just to meet her) was entirely normal and reasonable. He would do things like say "yes" just to end a conversation, then not follow through and later say "oh, was that important to you?". I never thought there was anything going on with them (and there wasn't) but the fact that he wasn't cheating on me doesn't mean I wasn't entitled to have some concerns and considerations.

@chesiresays

2 жыл бұрын

Yikes that’s a red flag from your partner

@eurosis

2 жыл бұрын

Absolutely! Did he have ex-partners that were extremely jealous of that friend? Because it's hard to understand why he would act like that. 🤔

@muurrarium9460

2 жыл бұрын

If you have nothing to hide...why hide it? And inviting another in a shared livingspace without consulting the other party also living there is just disgustingly rude.

@muurrarium9460

Жыл бұрын

@@standground7956 Pffft, humans are not a one-on-one monogamous species. Nobody can be happy when interacting with only a spouse. (What your are talking about is locking up all the females in the house, and maybe let them interact only with other females.. there are a boatload of despicable cultures that way, in where one sexe gets all the freedom, and the rest is just locked up breeding stock....) No thanks. The one way not to get cheated on is: "if you stray, you stay away (for good)". Maybe the partner will "behave" better when they realise what they have to lose. But also...maybe you or the releationship are/is not worth it. People should have the freedom to leave non-functional relationships. We are individuals, not property! Yes, I have been cheated on, of course, it happens ;) but... better to lose 'm soon and fast then deperately or for apperances sake hang on to a guy (or gall) that does not really commit to you. If I keep a guy, he is mine and I am his, no discussion. But if he wanders, he can sod off. (I will never cheat, I am boring that way.) Most of the time "just a friend" IS "just a friend".

@muurrarium9460

Жыл бұрын

@@standground7956 I am not twisting anything: you are the one that said never let your SO interact with someone of the other sekse, because betrayal is inevitable... So the only way to prevent this is locking peole away from others "for their/your own good". How else do you want to make that happen? Get chained together, like conjoined twins, so nobody will have any privacy left? There is this tiny fragile flower named 'trust" and a second one called 'honor', together they should be quite enough.

As a bisexual, I hate this kind of idea. If that were true, I would not be allowed to have ANY friends. And a lot of people think that about queer people, but honestly, I think we (as a whole) have very good boundaries for friends. For example, my friends are my FRIENDS, they are essentially family and I have no romantic feelings for them. There is a hard line in the sand for me between who is a friend and who I have more than friend feelings for.

@probsnooneyouknowtbh3712

2 жыл бұрын

That's what I've always thought; according to this theory, bisexual people can't have friends? Like, what??? Makes no sense.

@vjmcdonn

2 жыл бұрын

Yeahhs! 👏👏 I’m queer and this rebuke of no friends of opposite sex thing is crazy to me! If I applied the queer version of that than my girlfriend could have other female friends? Controlling much!? I love that my girlfriend has a good group of friends!!

@razmiddle9410

2 жыл бұрын

Have you ever wanted to date a friend? Because a lot of people have, and in fact intentionally look to date from their pool of friends because they've got an established relationship already. I think to be friends with someone that you'd consider dating or are attracted to, you need to be intentional about boundaries and not put yourself in situation where it would be easy to make a bad decision.

@kristibunny1620

2 жыл бұрын

Also bi and yeah 100% It’s trust or not “would I be okay with my partner doing this?”

@TT-nq5np

2 жыл бұрын

I’ve brought this up in discussions on this topic, and they are always like “oh it’s different if your gay or bi,” and I’m just sitting here wondering why. Some will just bring up that it’s men specifically (usually men who say this), which I think is sad since those men legitimately don’t believe they can’t develop self-control, or don’t trust themselves. Also, even as a straight person I prefer to date from my friend pool, not a stranger or acquaintance, so I hate this ideology since it makes it harder to date.

Oh I love how you pointed out the difference between finding someone attractive vs. being attracted to them! I definitely have friends and acquaintances that I recognize are attractive, but I don't have an attraction to them and wouldn't be interested. A very important difference.

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

oh yeah, big difference. I am aro ace, I can find people attractiv, from, well, pretty to ok, I get why people want to be with them to oho . . . but even in the last state, I would not want to be with them or would know what to do with them . . . they are just nice to look at also there are different typs f attractions so you can be very attracted to someone and it could still not be a danger to your relationaahip or commitment to it, for it is entirely aethetical, intelectual or otherwise platonic.

Ive been told once by my ex that it was stupid that i didnt feel comfortable with him having dinner with other women. He didnt understand how i felt and he didnt try to make me feel comfortable. Turns out he ended up cheating on me. This is why i dont like when men have dinner or hangout one on one with the opposite gender

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

the interesting wuestion there is, did he cheat with the same women or was it a response to pretending to be someoen he is not for you?

Yes, putting pressure on your partner to be your *everything* is unfair to your relationship. Allow your partner to have friends to vent to, to get advice from, to be friends with, to feel valued outside your home. Maintain a dialogue with your partner on boundaries, to build trust and understanding. My partner might feel defensive if they overheard me venting to my friends; but if I were to vent to my partner, I wouldn't be able to work through the emotion due to their defensive reaction. It's all about balance and boundaries.

@jclyntoledo

2 жыл бұрын

This is why I hate the quote "marry you're best friend" in insinuates they should be your everything and you don't need friends but like you do and you should have some friend ir emotional support outside of your SO. To me it's an idealistic concept bc it can easily become too dependent on them and put unnecessary expectations on them or with each other. Because if they are your bestie why wouldn't they know what you want and you're thinking all the time... another unrealistic thing ppl do expect the other person to just "know them intuitively" without any prompted conversations or queues.

@battlejess85

2 жыл бұрын

@@jclyntoledo I don't see it that way. I did marry my best friend. He was my best friend before we started dating, and we still are friends twenty years later. We have other friends too, of course. But for me, why would I want to be in a romantic relationship with a person I wouldn't even want to be friends with? And if I can marry my BEST friend? My favourite person? That is amazing. You do make a good point about expectations, but I feel that is true in any relationship, not just one where two people consider each other their best friend. Communication is hugely important in any relationship. And you never know someone "intuitively." Knowing someone takes time and experience and many, many conversations. I know my husband very well, and he knows me, and even after twenty years we can still get things wrong and need to talk it out. Again, you make some very good points. My only point of disagreement is in equating those things with marrying your best friend.

@Asharra12

2 жыл бұрын

@@jclyntoledo I don't even think that's good best friend material, little lone spouse material. I've never expected my best friend to intuitively understand me and my needs and if I did, it would be a terrible friendship. I have been in some friendship where they expected that and I was outta there! 😅 So yeah definitely can't apply that kind of thinking to a marriage. I did marry a good friend who became my best friend, but I still have times that I don't understand him and need him to explain something to me. Fortunately for him, I'm also a good wife and never leave him in the dark about my needs. He appreciates never having to guess 😂

@C-SD

2 жыл бұрын

I think more than anything "marry your best friend" is just a quick way to say marry someone you like and trust. I do also see what you're saying and how that could imply you shouldn't have anyone else in your life. Idk, my closest friends may know me well enough to know what I want/think/feel/need in certain situations, but not always. We're close, but none of us are psychic and none of us expect it. Having a best friend doesn't mean you don't have any other friends. In fact, it 100% says there's more than one friend, or there wouldn't be a group to be the "best". But, a partner that starts to isolate you is likely to be, or already has been, abusive. Its important to watch for that, so you can keep a balance between respecting your partner, and not being cut off from the rest of the world. You do need other people. An example of how helpful that has been is there are times mutual friends have helped me understand SO's side of a situation. Our entire issue was a massive miscommunication. As our friend explained what SO was trying to say I realized I was being an asshole and apologized. Without outside people, that may have taken us months and months to straighten out.

@standground7956

Жыл бұрын

Everyone who thinks it’s okay for your bf/gf/spouse hangout with the opposite sex… *I’m kinda routing for you to get cheated on.* *Keep in mind that “Just a friend” or “They’re like family” has an amazing track record of ending relationships than any other entity known to mankind.*

I just had this conversation with my boyfriend last week 🤣. Played out almost just like this video. I had a friend come out of the woodwork recently (who is married) who started being a smidge inappropriate and I took my phone directly to my boyfriend, showed him the texts of me shutting that stuff down immediately, and we talked about it. I adore how we can have these conversations in a mature fashion while respecting eachothers boundaries. Videos like yours really make me feel secure and that my relationship is heading in a good direction. Thanks!

@lexabenoit756

2 жыл бұрын

Wish I had this. My boyfriend doesn’t believe I shut down any flirtatious jokes even though I’ve shown him. And has even said he doesn’t trust me. Stinks

@Jehphg

2 жыл бұрын

@@lexabenoit756 why are you with someone that doesn't trust or respect you again? More often than not people that are extremely suspicious about their partner cheating, are projecting because THEY are cheaters. You deserve a stress free healthy relationship.

@DevS25

2 жыл бұрын

@@lexabenoit756 i have a better question for you, why hang out with people who flirt with you? You like the attention?

@lexabenoit756

2 жыл бұрын

@@DevS25 no, it is my coworker not a friend that this was happening with. I would avoid convos or shut them down bc they were inappropriate, and I’m completely transparent about it. If I think it’s something that is inappropriate I tell him the whole conversation because I feel it isn’t a conversation that should be kept to myself.

@lexabenoit756

2 жыл бұрын

@@Jehphg this is true but I know it’s due to his past. He’s sweet it’s just hard to navigate

I didn't have trust issues in the past. My partner made an opposite sex friend whilst taking my youngest daughter swimming. The guy has a daughter roughly the same age. She told me all about him and I was fine about it. She doesn't have many friends as is and it was nice for her to meet up with him. However, a few months down the line I noticed changes in her personality. Phone on silent and wouldn't leave it lying around like she used to before. I later found out that she had been going for days out with him but saying she was at her mams. When I found out I confronted her but she just said he's just a friend. I wanted to meet him but she has never allowed me to. I managed to get this guys number and spoke with him. He didn't realise at the time she was in a relationship because when he asked she said "not really". I've had a really difficult time with this friendship but tried to accept it even though she knows I'm not comfortable with it. About a year or so down the line i found messages between them which seemed kinda flirtatious. As you can imagine I wasn't happy about it. I have been getting ignored and had the silent treatment from my partner in the coming months. Basically wouldn't give me the time of day but she wouldn't regularly talk via text to her "friend" but when I was never around. I finally gave her an ultimatum, either we sort our relationship and you ditch your "mate" or we can't be together. She chose her "friend". What's that say? Am I being too paranoid or what?

@ALuiza-pm2dp

2 ай бұрын

if she chose her "mate", then no you are obviously not being paranoid. What reason does she have to not want you guys to meet? I've seen people treat the persom they are in a relationship worse than they treat their friends (both truly platonic ones and not). It means trouble. If it's finished, you dodged a bullet, but if she's the mother of your child I'm truly sorry -- sorry either way of course. But there's no reason to put yourself through that. I pray you'll have better days in the near future.

We almost divorced because my husband didn't shut down a coworker who was hitting on him. He allowed the inappropriate texts. I still don't think we are 100% healed from that, may never be.

@ATebbs1

3 ай бұрын

I’m so sorry. I am currently going through a similar experience and it is so painful.

@mykidsaresupercute

3 ай бұрын

@@ATebbs1 I’m sorry. I know how painful it is. I was shattered. It’s been 5 years and it’s better but still not what it was before this happened. I don’t think my walls will ever come down. Hope you feel better soon.

And then there's me in a relationship, reminding my partner to visit his friends. I strongly believe that having a live outside of the relationship strengthens the relationship 😊

The problem happens the moment the friend becomes "secret" and you think about that friend more then your spouse, and feel the need to persue this "friend" attention. Marriage first.

I feel like a good general guideline to follow is: 1. Trust your partner to manage their own feelings and actions when interacting with others, and to know when to tell you about stuff (and/or talk with them to cooperatively establish these boundaries); 2. If you encounter any relationship situations where you feel even slightly uncomfortable, weirded out, shameful, or guilty, take it as a sign that you and your partner need to talk about the event or underlying relationship issues.

I think the only way to properly answer this question is to define what a friendship is to each person first. I think too many people use friend and acquaintance interchangeably. Not every person that you talk to occasionally is a friend. A friendship is a deep, personal bond to me.

@mandarinadreux9572

2 жыл бұрын

I agree. I would even go so far as to say that true friendship and love is the same thing. To me it is the same emotion. I love my friends as I would love my partner.

@signalfire15

2 жыл бұрын

@@mandarinadreux9572 Agreed. The only difference between friendship and romantic love to me is the physical intimacy. Outside of that, the feelings of love are virtually the same for me.

@fauna8049

2 жыл бұрын

Either way the answer would be the same. Don't restrict your partner's friends based on gender.

@signalfire15

2 жыл бұрын

@@fauna8049 It's not that simple based on your definition of friendship.

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

@@mandarinadreux9572 agree, attractions and love are so much more then just sex and family!

Your wife is so pretty, she’s very unique looking, really gorgeous. Y’all are very cute together & I also think it’s really cool you’re both therapists!

OMG! I needed this video 5 years ago so much. My husband was in a close friendship with his female colleague, and I was ok with that at first. But then I realised that there were to much of her in his life. But I could not explain to him why or what exactly was wrong, I could not find the correct words for that. We almost got divorced but managed to talk everything through. It was one of the worst times in my life If only I had such a video at hand and we could watch it together, I believe we could have avoided so much pain and drama

@whbgegs5571

2 жыл бұрын

just one of 50 reasons i love youtube!

My partners best friend is a woman, initially I wasn't aware of their dynamic and I felt concerned about how close they were, but now after seeing what they're like together and how much they platonically love each other I've realised there's nothing to be threatened by.

@Trysaratop

Жыл бұрын

As long as she respects you and they didn't have a sexual background right off the bat I don't see an issue.

@marcelamonkey4268

Жыл бұрын

I love this. My best friend of 13 years has dated several women whom were rather jealous of my importance in his life. We both grew up only children so we are each others only “sibling”. I’m glad you trust your partner and his friend probably appreciates that as well.

@Bambim8

5 ай бұрын

I was fwb with this woman who had a guy best friend. She hid me from him (her "best friend") for the entirety of our 9 month relationship in an attempt to not upset him. That guy had a girlfriend that entire time. My ex fwb always had this overly touchy contact with him and the guy would always feel jealous of me getting her attention. We eventually split up because I considered her behavior disrespectful and didn't want to disrespect myself by staying with her. My ex and that guy are still best friends and that girlfriend of his is still there too. I once asked my ex how in the world her guy best friends girlfriend was okay with his behavior and she told me she and her guy best friend did a lot of convincing because at first she was concerned about their relationship too. I honestly feel sorry for her when I think about it.

One of the things I appreciate most is that you acknowledge non-hetero and non-monogamous relationships and treat them as valid.

When I met my husband, his three closest friends were women. How could I EVER think that’s a bad thing. He obviously loves and respects women. And he is totally comfortable with my guy friends, because I’m not going anywhere and he knows that. We aren’t perfect but THAT will never be our issue.

@soulikarus

Жыл бұрын

He's probably fucking at least one of them, and at least one of those girls is waiting for you to fuck up so she can swoop in and get your man. Period.

Thank you for remembering gay people and polyamory! So many people not only focus on cis het monogamy (which is fine. People can focus on specific aspects and types of interaction) but the way they state stuff leads to a blanket conclusion, either intentionally or unintentionally, of “this is the only way to be” which can leave people that fall outside that one specific bubble feeling wrong. I super appreciate you taking the time to just touch on how advice might apply differently to group x, y or z, especially when they are groups that fall outside of what our culture considers “mainstream”

I love this so much, and wish I had found it sooner! Communication is key. In the last few years my husband and I have started hanging out with one of his high school friends and her husband. We all get along great and have a lot of fun together, but I became increasingly aware of how much she touched my husband. Little touches to the arm or leg, lots of hugs, pat's on the back etc. I wrote off my feelings as invalid because I trusted my husband, and knew nothing would happen, and I didn't want to seem like a controlling partner. And she was obviously devoted and in love with her husband so I stayed quiet. I want him to have friends, regardless of gender, and I knew they had a long history together and I did not want to disrupt that. But I finally had the courage to say something to him, and say that I was a little uncomfortable that their relationship was different now, but she didn't act that way. He was very understanding, and was even a little relieved because even he was a little uncomfortable with how touchy she was. We had a very nice conversation and discussed boundaries and he was able to establish more firm boundaries with her and we all are still really good friends and hang out all the time. Communication 😊

I recently came out as bi to my husband and it was the most reassuring thing to hear him say that he trusts me completely. Around anyone, male or female. That's cool.

@kristibunny1620

2 жыл бұрын

💙💜💗 welcome! (Also bi) glad you found a trusting partner

@TheFranchiseCA

2 жыл бұрын

My wife and I are both straighter than that railroad across the Australian desert, but this came up in conversation once... The healthy response to a partner saying this is (1) thank you for sharing this part of yourself with me, (2) do we both agree on what constitutes cheating?, and (3) a reaffirmation of love and respect.

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

its kinda fucked up, that that is something special . . .

@nickdipaolofan5948

Жыл бұрын

Wait, so you married this guy and didn't disclose your sexuality upfront? And now you spring it upon him AFTER he married you? And you are supposed to be some good gal for doing that? Also, if you never plan to step out on him, what relevance does you "being bi" have and why the need to "come out" to him? Why does he need to know that you might be sexually attracted to women when you supposedly have no intention of action on?. This really sounds to me like some selfish shit on your part and will likely breed trust issues with your man (even if he never expresses them).

@Reira_Newgate

Жыл бұрын

@@nickdipaolofan5948 ​ My boyfriend figured out he was bi long after we got in a relationship. I don‘t think it is a selfish thing wanting your partner to know. Also I wouldn‘t get jealous about it because I trust my boyfriend regardless of the gender he is attracted to. If her husband gets trust issues over her opening up to him then there wasn‘t much trust to begin with.

Transparency is key. Being willing to tell my husband that I'm going to dinner with a guy-friend I've known forever lets him know that we're going to be above board about everything, so there are no secrets. It's healthy to have friends because of the perspectives that they can offer that differ so much from your own.

@tonicmale2145

2 жыл бұрын

Just curious, have you or the guy friend ever been interested in something more?

@heatheravello4053

2 жыл бұрын

@@tonicmale2145 no nothing like that. My relationship is rock-solid and I find a lot of fulfillment with my husband, but I need things he can't provide sometimes. Example, my husband has been blue collar his whole life and I'm getting my bachelor's degree at 40, my guy friend has already survived several degrees and knows what I'm griping about. We connect on an intellectual level but there's no chemistry because both of us are clear on boundaries.

@tonicmale2145

2 жыл бұрын

@@heatheravello4053 If you opened the door, do you think the guy would be interested in something more physical?

@heatheravello4053

2 жыл бұрын

@@tonicmale2145 never asked and don't plan to. Whether he is or not isn't up to me and as long as his outward behavior is never inappropriate, I have no problems with him. I am not perfect and don't think anyone should be judged on their random thoughts.

@tonicmale2145

2 жыл бұрын

@@heatheravello4053 But if we’re being 100% honest, no filter because there’s nothing at stake here: do you think he would be down if you opened that door? (I know I already asked but I’m curious to know what your gut instinct tells you)

My ex was just a liar and very unfaithful. I never felt so jealous or uncomfortable until he went out of his way to do stuff on purpose- then I realized that he was a narcissist and he just liked attention from everyone he could get it from, and my feelings and the relationship I thought we had was never a factor. It was out of sight, out of mind.

Yes! My own rules for relationships involving friends of the opposite sex: 1. No friendships and unnecessary interactions with people that you were romantically or sexually relational with in your past. People usually only connect with people in their past when they want to rekindle the past. 2. No friendships and unnecessary contact with people that you start to have feelings for or that have feelings for you. It’s just common sense. If you’re just in a dating relationship and you like someone else, then you can decide whether or not you want to pursue the person you’re growing feelings or or stay with your partner, but you need to choose one, not string along both. If you’re married, then you made vows to your spouse that should come above any other person, and you need to cut off the person that’s interfering in your marriage. 3. If you wouldn’t have that interaction in front of your partner, it’s probably not the interaction you should have with someone. Again, common sense. Your conscience knows this.

@elorianridenow

2 жыл бұрын

I disagree with 2 things here: Number 1: It is not always to re-kindle something, when you reach out to a past relationship. Sometimes you want to solve things. Transparancy is key here! Number 2: There is no such thing as "common sense". The world is crazy..but I guess this has nothing to do with the topic at hand. ;)

@wimsylogic65

Жыл бұрын

I absolutely agree and I think this is very helpful advice.

@wimsylogic65

Жыл бұрын

​@@elorianridenow What she says is true. But what it doesn't is include The Gray area. These are the basic rules that you should follow. And yes there is common sense although it does vary. Hang out there talking about is that little nagging feeling that makes you feel like this might not be OK a lot of people ignore that. The common sense is not to ignore that feeling. It's telling you not to do something you probably should not be doing. This thing is a lot of people don't want to listen to it. But these general rules are just the family foundation to follow an outline. Different circumstances bring about different details, And each person should make their choices accordingly. What's the saying, take with a grain of salt.

Both of you are so confident I love it! To answer John's question, you sir are indeed aesthetically pleasing to the eye 😌 Both of you are, I love to see power couples strive like y'all do 😆

This is awesome! Thanks! My husband is very insecure about me having friends or acquaintances of the opposite sex. It gets difficult sometimes as my field of work is predominantly male. I used to have to make excuses with my colleagues and take a separate car (I don't drive) or stay back just so I won't be around males alone. He used to constantly tell me to change who I am and that the way I am with people is too much. I doubted myself a lot and started thinking I am a bad person for years. It was super draining. But I stayed in the relationship because I see with every confrontation he is trying to improve. The fear comes from trauma. Before this wonderful man arrived in my life, he has been through some tough times in romantic relationships and friendships. Betrayal and infidelity by his long time partners, by friends. It's hard sometimes, but I have hope because he is trying and is getting better every day. He is a healing human and getting better at communicating his problems. I'm so proud of him!

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

but how is traumatising you in turn fair? like great he got better and all, but trust issues inforced rules just lead to more trustissues in even more people

I really appreciate this video. There’s the old adage that men and women can’t be friends because one or both want sex. That’s always bothered me and I recently saw a video that put into words how I was feeling. In the clip, the creator said, “It would bother me if my partner DIDN’T have friendships with the opposite gender because that would tell me that they ONLY value the opposite gender for the potential to have sex.

@OdinsSage

Жыл бұрын

That's such a fantastic way to look at it.

@buchrisss

3 ай бұрын

THIS!!!! I’ve spent years trying to explain / choose the correct words to convey this exact idea. Thank you

I was actually on the opposite side of this discussion once. I had a good friend pull away from our friendship because his wife started feeling insecure about the situation. It was an absolutely platonic friendship, but it was based on our common interest in a subject the wife had no interest in at all. So I guessed she felt I had access to an aspect of him that she didn't really get? I was so sad when he explained the situation to me, I couldn't fully understand it at the time, only respect his decision. Trouble is, it all added to this insistent feeling I often get of "nothing good ever lasts" and "everybody leaves", etc. It was a terrible experience. Still, I'm glad for the honest way my friend approached the subject with me.

@rachelstechman5959

2 жыл бұрын

Your friend is probably miserable living with such an insecure shrew.

@elorianridenow

2 жыл бұрын

That's the thing about interests and relationships. A partner can NEVER fulfill them all. It's simply not possible. To limit your partner is to actively hurt him or her. Then, of course, it is a matter of letting yourself be limited. Life is simply to short for that...

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

I do not think, that a relationship that cuts out interests and other connections can really be healthy on the long run. It is impossible to be perfect for eachother, a partner who constantly has to dial back and smother parts of themselfs to keep another happy will soner of later most likely be unhappy with it, but that stheir choice, I am sorry for your loss. I usually dial it down a bit with my friends having a new partner for I do not want them to feel treatened, but honestly, I was there before them for years, compromises are ok but if they try to cut me out I d be miffed. I pretty much exclusivly let my friends decide how cozy we are with eachother so usualy the reaction is, thet they tell their partner off or well, we dial it down a bit and it is a non issue. but as long as my friend still wants to be close to me, a partner is just so much or a reason to stop for me. Like, I would not do anything with them not present I would not do if they where, but if they where to make unreasonable demands I would advice my friend against the relationship . . . nothing good comes of feeling treatened by an aro ace, till now I never had to though, for my friends themself held the opinion that that is bullshit!

Of course you can have friends of the opposite gender if you're in a relationship. The key though is limits on intimacy and time. Never start sharing secrets with your friend that you wouldn't share with your partner, never start confiding in your friend personal things about your partner (sex life, vulnerabilities, etc.) and/or badmouthing your partner to your friend, and never spend more time with your friend than you do your partner. Also, if you would be uncomfortable with your partner seeing a text that you sent to your friend, that's an indication that you shouldn't send it. Most importantly, if you find yourself catching feelings for your friend, end the friendship. There is no way to consistently hold fire in your hand without getting burned.

@DevS25

2 жыл бұрын

Then that person is not at all a friend, see the point?

@elorianridenow

2 жыл бұрын

Gonna challange you on that: What if a woman told your husband that she's been raped and abused as a teen. She doesn't want this to get out and she had to tell someone. What right does he have to show you those texts? This is not even about a friendship..this is about trust..and trust goes in other directions as well. Married or not, you do not become ONE person all of a sudden. You still have your own life. Don't answer my question, as it is more of a moral challange. It's just something to think about a bit.

@deepalil1085

2 жыл бұрын

@@elorianridenow Is Husband therapist or police or relative? Why will share things will random man? Why his wife cannot give support to her? Isn't more support more better. I think your hypothetical scenario is manipulation on part of woman.

@elorianridenow

2 жыл бұрын

@@deepalil1085 Because some people are friends, some people aren't. Friendship is based on trust. I am not sure about the rest you wrote. Why is the support of "a woman" better? Women can be crazy as well..and completely incapable of giving any advice. If you think that "woman stuff" belongs to women you are simply wrong...that is not thinking or seeing, that is repeating what you've been told. And what do you mean by your last sentence? That all women are manipulative or that a woman is manipulative that unloads on someone not-female? I think you should stop repeating what you got told and try to think for yourself.... make up your own mind about the world...

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

@@deepalil1085 so having trust in a friend is manipulation? like manipulation to even what end? Needing a bit of support before they can get themself to go find a therapist? A therapist is a specialyist in handeling trauma rationaly, but they can not give the same support a friend can for the relationship is professionel not personal. A therapist can not console you or give you the feeling you are deserving of any kind of affection, thats not their job, nor the polices. And relatives? sure, your abusiv fathe or 3 year old daughter that looks just like your rapist is the perfekt person to get a hug from and tell about what happened

My husband has a natural Labrador kind of energy, he's just genuinely interested in people. I can't send the man to the shop without him coming away with a new friend. Sometimes people misinterpret this friendliness as flirting. I know what he's like when he's flirting, so I know that he isn't, but sometimes people try to reciprocate, or on the other side of the spectrum they'll shut him down and be super cold and his reaction is always confusion and mortification. I trust him, I know he doesn't mean anything by it. We both have friends of both genders and there's absolutely no issue. We both have full access to each other's phones etc but I've never felt the need to look - and I don't think he has either.

@MintyFreshCupcakes

2 жыл бұрын

I have the same issue. My boyfriend says I give off “golden retriever energy.” I just love being around people and some people see it as flirting. It’s really upsetting to think someone is your friend, but they see you as a tease or flirt. Luckily my partner knows I have a lot of friends and I make friends easily and he knows I would never flirt with anyone else or cheat. We both have friends of all genders and we aren’t threatened by any of those friendships

@crazyratlady3115

2 жыл бұрын

@@MintyFreshCupcakes that's exactly my husband haha. He just genuinely loves to hear about other people's experiences. I know he's 100% devoted, if people bide their time they'll probably hear all about me anyway. He's not looking to fill any needs outside of the relationship, he's just a massive dork. It's part of what attracted me to him in the first place, and I wouldn't ever dim that light.

💜 Golden .... when you said, "there is no innocent flirtation., there is flirtation and there is no flirtation. Lots of gems in here that remind me of my partner. My partner and I have complete transparency and emotional , physical and psychological trust.

I'm dating my boyfriend for 7 years now, and when we were at 2 years, we were in a long distance relationship, and we would fight a lot during my pms crises, and by that time I had a work friend that really understood, and was really supportive without any intentions, and I totally confused his caring with my attention needs, and I started feeling attracted to him. I knew it was wrong and I felt insanely guilty and I actually talked about this with my boyfriend, we fought hard, cried, but understood there was a problem in our relationship. We talked it over, and we are strong still. I think, it's what you guys said, "shame gets in the way of solving a lot o problems". Trust, transparency, respect and communication, are the things that keep the bound healthy. :) I love your channel! I wish more people I know speak English to understand the preciosity of your content. Love from Brazil! 🇧🇷

I so love this topic!! Our rules are: (besides the obvious ones) not to share marital problems with these friends as that can lead to power shift dynamics... plus: not to meet or talk with these friends on a very regular basis (whatever that means individually)

This "rule" has always made laugh because im pansexual and so is my husband. 🤷🏻‍♀ So, I guess we can't have friends.

@samf.s8786

2 жыл бұрын

Awwwwe bet you're an adorable couple Charity 💛💚💙💙💜❤️

@muurrarium9460

2 жыл бұрын

Be friends with me? I am too depressed to have any interest in sexual-shananigens anyway ;) (I like your sense of humor / and that is just stating a fact, not a flirt)

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

as someone who has pretty much only queer friends through some twist of fate . . . yeah, its stupid and hilaruious. on the other hand, as an aro ace, do I have to be friends with everyone to compensate for all the pan and bis who are not allowed any friends?

@nickdipaolofan5948

Жыл бұрын

you have sex with pans?

Dude... Relationship goals! Thanks for the affirmations.

OMG thank you for a sane take on this. It seemed for a while that everyone was on the same idiotic bandwagon about this. Honestly having that little faith in your spouse and in the strength of your relationship would be a HUGE red flag for me. And thank you so much for acknowledging that cheaters don't need opposite sex friends to cheat with!

Thank you both for choosing to approach this subject! Sometimes these areas of social life are ill-defined and I really think you did a great job to clear things up.

I had a friendship with a guy that we'd meet for lunch every few months. We grew up together, tried dating, but really just enjoyed each other not enough to really go anywhere with it. It was fine. My husband never had a problem with it because I talked to him about it. We always said if we can't talk about it, then we shouldn't be doing it.

@Bambim8

5 ай бұрын

"tried dating" enough said

From a religious perspective, I really love this approach. It think it is dangerous to say there can be no friendships between men and women, I feel like that encourages people to view the opposite sex as sexual objects instead of as people or as brothers/sisters in the faith. We lose out on unique perspectives from so many if we stick to friendships with only our own gender. And like they mentioned in the video, you have other sexualities anyway so sticking to separating the sexes won't even guarantee issues won't arise. I love that my husband can be a safe man for other women to have friendships with because they can ask for a male perspective without worrying about feelings. Establish boundaries, respect your spouse, and it shouldn't be a concern

@xDiananas

9 ай бұрын

Why these women cannot have a man friend who is single? I mean there are billions of people out there. Many single, why the « « « need » » » for a married man or woman? Why can’t these women ask a man’s perspective when he single without them developing feelings?

@yosaygames

6 ай бұрын

i respect your opinion but i dont agree with what was said, as a men i dont want my wife to have a male friend and i will never have female friend bcs i just love my wife and i want her to be my only friend from opposite gender and i will feel insecure if she feels comfortable with another men, maybe she will begin to love him. but it doesnt mean that i see other womens like sexual object, i will respect any other women i know and i will say hi to her when i meet her, maybe i will help her if she has a problem or wish her the best but without having any friend bonds with her.

@buchrisss

3 ай бұрын

@@yosaygamesyour comment says more about your own personal issues “make you feel insecure if she’s comfortable around another man”….. dude, totally screams you don’t trust her & are severely insecure in yourself…. Just saying. Sounds like a YOU problem. It is possible to be friends with oppo sex.

@angelrogo

2 ай бұрын

​@@yosaygamesIf you feel insecure, you clearly have an emotional problem and you need to solve it in therapy, and not showing to the whole world that you possess a wife, and she is your possession, only for you.

It is so so SO hard to have boundaries when you don't have family or a community to help you through relationship rough patches. I look for friendship everywhere and open up way too easily. It's a chronic problem I'm going to try to fix for the sake of any future relationships.

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

thing is, if you do not have secure relationships as in friends or family, one romantic relationship will not really stabelise you either. expecting one person to be everything for you does you and your partner a disservice

you guys are such a relationship goals! great example

I love that you explained exactly how to someone can navigate certain nuances with friendship in a healthy way. I already know that men and women can just be friends, but I learned a lot here. Know I actually feel like I understand how it’s possible and what constitutes healthy boundaries. That makes it a lot easier to trust someone when you know what healthy boundaries look like and don’t just assume that having the friend in the first place is an issue. Thanks for helping developers my world view ❤

I think the friends of the married should also be responsible for safeguarding that marriage by having decent boundaries. I personally don’t think you should have emotional confidants of the opposite sex outside of your marriage as it’s so easy to cross boundaries . Exes should be a no no , because of the intimate history , that’s a boundary easily crossed .

It isn't just married couples that have this problem either. I (around 20ish female at the time, now mid 30's) used to be good friends with a guy who lived about an hour away by train. He'd pick me up and take me with him to a social club we both attended regularly because I didn't have my own transport. We were good old friends so I'd casually hug him in greeting or parting and we had plenty of one on one time, completely platonic. Well, after a while, he got a girlfriend. GF went to the same club we did, knew about the lifts to and from the train, probably knew about the greeting/parting hugs too. There was honestly nothing sexual between us whatsoever but from the outside looking in, that didn't seem to be the case. He wanted to support their new relationship and respect her feelings (which I totally get behind!) so he pulled back from our relationship and, due mainly to the distance and difficulty of getting to the club on my own and anxiety that she'd think I was "chasing him to try to steal him back" or whatever, I pulled back from the club as a whole too. We barely talk at all these days; maybe just a birthday greeting or the like, all publicly posted, nothing private. I don't even know if he's still with her or not but I hope they are/were happy together. Still, I can't help feeling like "guys and girls can't be friends" is really robbing some folks of some great friendship opportunities. Some people prefer friends of the opposite gender for various reasons, without it being sexual in any way. As an asexual aspie, I personally often find guys easier to be friends with because they (typically) find it easier to drop the mind game crap that is so built into feminine relationships. I find a lot of my own gender entertain a very self destructive idea of "if they aren't with me 100% on everything, they're against me 100% on everything, and even compliments should always be taken the worst possible way," which I find very difficult to mentally keep up with, let alone enjoy. To be clear, I'm not saying that every woman is like that, and I'm fully aware that some guys play those sorts of games too, but I'm talking generically from my own experiences. I just wish that people would be more honest and would accept honest answers. "Are you interested in them?" "No." "Ok then." So simple yet so hard for some reason...

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

as an aro ace aspie, yeah . . . people getting jealous of oneself for literaly nothing is fustraiting and kinda weird. Like I got friendships where I would get jealousy. . . . but my friends and their partners are fine with it, so why should not I cuddle with them all day after not having seen them for forever of be their plus one for a wedding? Like I am very consideret whith whom and where I engage in closeness, does their partner know, are they ok with it, are my friend and I on the same page what it means? if there is any uncertainty I back away and in generell let my friends set the bounderies, unless I feel they themselfs are a bit unclear then I keep distance

I’m a bisexual woman, I find that the line is truth. If I would have the desire to lie to my spouse about a certain action I don’t take it, if I have already taken it I tell them at the first opportunity and tell them I had the desire to lie. There are situations where I absolutely know that I would be put into a position where I would want things that would damage my relationship so I shut those situations down fast and hard.

@nickdipaolofan5948

Жыл бұрын

Are there any women who don't claim to be Bisexual these days?

@desereetouchet9294

Жыл бұрын

What a dismissive comment. It makes me think women wouldn't talk to you long enough for you to learn that about any significant number of them.

@nickdipaolofan5948

Жыл бұрын

@@desereetouchet9294 Hey, don't blame me, blame the millions of women before you who jumped on the "I'm part of the alphabet trend" before you did and now when you "come out" as part of the trend, society collectively rolls our eyes... Oh, and your typical attempt at shaming language was noted. Does that ever work on men you try it on..............

@nickdipaolofan5948

Жыл бұрын

@@desereetouchet9294 BTW, just look at the comment section and count how many women in the comments are claiming to be BI...............................I rest my case, judge.

@desereetouchet9294

Жыл бұрын

I was a bit early to the “trend” in the 90’s and thought it was normal to be attracted to both women and men, because I wasn’t only attracted to women. Maybe you’re seeing a lot of people declaring their bisexuality because they feel invisible and dismissed. You might reflect, this particular video title would attract bisexuals as another stereotype is that bisexual people are not faithful, and hearing a therapist’s take on people feeling insecure about their partner’s other relationships would be information we would want. I called your comment dismissive, but it wasn’t for you, it was for other people reading the comment section who haven’t accepted a thing they heard as truth yet. I absolutely don’t expect you, @Nick DipaoloFan, to change based on a stranger’s comment, especially given the first comment you made. It may help you though to try and see things from a different perspective, we are all a brain in a box and of the hundred’s of thousands of things to notice we only get a fraction of that information, you may have missed something.

I think it would be really fun and wholesome if you did a video reacting to good KZread couples. A lot of channels are husband/wife teams (or other romantic partnerships) and sometimes you can really see how well they communicate and that that's why they can work together. Evan and Katelyn come to mind, as well as Safiya Nygaard and her husband.

When it comes to this issue there is a healthy balance both ways. But, let’s not be naive that communication and transparency about allowing opposite sex friends is key either. That can also be a gateway to inappropriate emotional and physical encounters too. Some people are so open ( for ex. condoning their spouse to be alone with the other person in their home or the home of the other person on a regular occasion quote on quote because “they trust them”)that they wonder why they either caught or came across something questionable. It’s understandable to have friends, but there is also more stricter boundaries while your in a committed relationship. If I decide it’s okay for my husband to go visit another female friend and stay at her house because I “trust him” then I can’t be mad at myself for giving him the the space to do it. A cheater will cheat, yes! But, it won’t be because I was naive and said okay babe, I trust you. The fact that he wants to go do that in in the first place is a red flag. There should be an automatic switch that says No, that’s inappropriate whether my partner cares or not. If he gets mad and says I’m insecure, jealous or possessive then adios. That’s the excuse people use to label people with morals. Again, there is a healthy balance and when your in a committed relationship that friendship with the opposite sex (shoot even same sex now days) assumes a different level. Your partner takes precedence. This comment is for those who practice monogamous relationships.

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

well, if they did not hook up before you where in a commited elationship, why should they now and if he cheats on you whatever you gave him the opportunity to do so or not,, the relationship is not worth keeping/saving anyway. Either you trust or you can just leave it be to beginn with

In my opinion, I like how small my boyfriends outside circle is. We have less drama. Most friends of friends will try to give excessive advice how we should take our relationship.

@elorianridenow

2 жыл бұрын

That doesn't sound very healthy to be honest. You like that he has less social interaction? You know..the thing that humans need... That doesn't sound like love at all... Sorry if I am somehow not reading this correctly..

I really don't care what anyone thinks about this, not even my wife. We should all be capable of controlling our urges. If not what does that say about us as human beings. It's not good is it. If I want something but can't afford it, I don't go around stealing things.

My perspective on this subject is difficult to say the least. I had a highly jealous ex who didn't allow me to have any friends that they didn't also know. (And would actively chase them away.) When i became single i had married men being inappropriate with me. I am now in a good place to where i can have friendships with either sex, but i am constantly fighting to maintain boundaries when acquaintances see me as a piece of flesh. Not a human with thoughts and feelings. My friends mean the world to me and I refuse to have our relationship sexualized.

When you have a problem with your significant other you should discuss it with? A) A therapist B) Your SO C) An attractive third party. If you answered C you may have some problems with this issue.

@barrytheflashallen3941

Жыл бұрын

A or B is more like it

Very interesting video! I like your channel. My personal thought initially when I read the title was "well if you dont want your partner to have friends (with the opposite sex, which sounds very heteronormative) then maybe you don't trust your partner enough to have healthy friendships" I like hearing your thoughts and analysis(spelling? sorry I am not English native) Have a nice day!!

There is a difference between an acquaintance and a friend. Friendship is much deeper and personal. If opposite sex people have a friendship it sets both up for problems. Do not do it!

I was curious about your POV on this. Turns out it aligns with my own ☺️

If sex is the only criterium deciding who people get to be friends with, you would get some seriously weird situations. Like a gay woman would only get to hang out with men, even though it's important to have friends of your own sex/gender because men and women learn from eachother how to deal with sex/gender specific challenges in the world, like sexism, physical changes from ageing, being a role model for children, etc..

@fauna8049

2 жыл бұрын

It also means that bi and pan people just can't have friends that aren't blood related.

Just don't be friends with those who you've had an attraction to before. If you had the hots for someone, you can't just be friends anymore. You need to end any connections with that person if you want to be with someone else.

My BF has a best friend that is a Girl, he actually introduced her to who is now her BF, so he is friends with both. She is great, I love her too and sometimes they go out together on their own, just them two (her BF lives out of town). But my personal experience has not been as positive on this end. I do NOT have friends that are Boys; just because every time 'I thought' I did, they ended up 'confessing' to me (even after years) they had always liked me and wanted something else (IT being either just s*x or actually being in a relationship with me)

Great advice for when I'm not single anymore😁 thank you🙏

All I can say is RESPECT your friends boundaries when their significant other isn’t comfortable with you around. “ we’re friends I can’t believe he/she isn’t comfortable with me around when we are JUST friends before they came along “ If your friend is married they made a vow to their S.O. NOT you. So if they push you aside don’t be up in arms like you were blindsided. You can BE upset of course but with the understanding that they aren’t obligated to always be friends with you. It’s also a matter of culture. Know where you stand on that issue from the get go.

@itzesmi

2 жыл бұрын

@@zjjir exactly 💯

@juliaarambula3153

Жыл бұрын

Bingo!!!!

I really agree. I was so ready to marry my first boyfriend at 18 and I am so glad I didn't as three years later I really saw his true colours and it was much easier to get out. We had not gone through any rough patches before then and so it was easy to just see the good - I would say its important to have gone through some significantly high stress situations before getting married, whatever the age. Now at 28 and engaged I feel I view my current relationship with the rose tinted glasses off in a way 18 year old me would probably find highly cynical. Will be checking out the Relationship 101 book recommendation, thanks.

I have bpd/bp2 and have times my mind gets infatuated with other ppl often. I don't love it but I remind myself that these feelings will pass and just to enjoy the roller coaster of feelings. I've been open to my fiancee to make sure no boundaries are crossed but it helps to know that I'm not going to be shamed for having these feelings passively flirting is allowed but im open to the person. Who ever it may be what is going on as to not lead them on as well. Shits hard but I would go insane otherwise.

My husband and I are 2 months away from 20 year married (24 together). We both have friends of all genders. We both know who everyone is and everything is above board. I think what you said about everything being open and honest, and having clear boundaries is important.

2:54 That's my guideline too and it goes for any friendship, because I'm not straight. I make that VERY clear to my bf. It's just out of pure respect for him and the time, love, etc he's given me.

This is an excellent video and a very informative video with great advice. I definitely 100% agree how people need to be extremely careful when it comes to opposite sex friends when married. I don't think it's a sin for a married person to have opposite sex friends, and I don't think it's a sin for a married person to have close friends of the opposite sex, but married people shouldn't have friendships of the opposite sex that are "too close", and married people shouldn't put themselves in tempting situations with opposite sex friends that can easily lead to an affair. A lot of times when people have affairs, they say things like "I didn't mean for it to happen; it just happened". Those kinds of things happen when people put themselves in tempting situations that can easily lead to an affair. It's very important to have reasonable safeguards in marriage to help prevent things like adultery from occurring. Without reasonable safeguards in marriage, it's extremely easy for an affair to take place. Examples of good reasonable safeguards to have in marriage are avoiding having opposite friendships that are "too close", not spending too much time alone with someone of the opposite sex, not having an opposite sex friend over your house when you're home alone, and not going over an opposite sex friend's house when they are home alone. If a married man has a female friend who is having marriage problems, and the female friend wants to talk to the married man about her marriage problems, it's best for the female friend to talk to the married man and his wife together or a married man and a trusted friend together about the marriage problems instead of the female friend and married man together alone talking about the marriage problems because when a woman is having marriage problems, she's extremely vulnerable for committing adultery. When a married man and female friend are alone together talking about marriage problems, it can easily cause the female friend to feel like she's falling in love with another man, it can easily lead to an unhealthy emotional attachment, etc, which can cause an affair to occur. I do think if a man has a platonic female best friend and the man gets married, the man can still be friends with that woman, but their friendship won't be the same as it was before due to being married, and the man can't be best friends with that woman anymore since when a man gets married, the man's wife is the man's best friend.

I think the big takeaway from this is what it always is... "communication communication communication." If you or your partner isn't comfortable with something, it is something that needs to be talked about and examined. I married my best friend. We had the same friend group all through school. Would it have been fair for either of us to cut the other off from those relationships once we got romantically involved? No... but moving from one state of friendship and closeness to another that was a lot the same but not fully platonic anymore was an adjustment. So we talked about it and what our comfort levels were.

I think it depends on the mutual respect between the friend and the spouse. I found it helpful to meet the friend of my partner at least once, getting to know her a bit and seeing her interact with my boyfriend at the time. I don't have to be friends with her but I have to know she will respect the boundaries of our relationship. This can also happen in a social/group setting, it helps demistifying their relationship with my boyfriend. Other times it was very obvious from what my boyfriend told me or how she behaved when meeting her, that she doesn't approve of our romantic relationship. She kept asking uncomfortable questions from my partner, kept badmouthing me when I wasn't there and didn't accept our boundaries. She also organised parties with many people invited and asked my boyfriend not to invite me. I told my boyfriend I wasn't comfortable like this. Unfortunately he ghosted his female friend after this, didn't communicate to her what the problem was. But personally I don't regret expressing my concerns. It is easier like this. I have a male friend from university who is inseparable from his wife and I respect that. I went out of my way to include her whenever possible. I always invited this friend with the option of bringing his wife along and most of the times he does, it doesn't bother me at all. It is their choice how much trust and freedom they give each other. I feel if I have a good friendship, I also have to be open towards his chosen one, she surely deserves it.

@bimmelbahnrider8396

2 жыл бұрын

This! I had (and sometimes still have) problems with my SO´s female bestfriend because he bad mouthed me so much to her (instead of talking to me and sometimes even refusing to talk and instead vented about me) that she even got bitchy with me at some events and I had no idea what was going on because I had not much to do with her besides seeing her at some occasions. Plus in the beginning of the relationship they did not respect my boundaries (for example she would sit on his lap at partys and he would visit her and sleep at her place without telling me or even lying about it because "if I don´t know I cant say anyhing against it". He didn´t ask me ones if I was okay with any of it. Plus she gave him the number of another woman who she thought he would be compatible with ... like wtf ...and some more nice things...). And to this day I am the bad girlfriend to almost all of his friends and her because one day I had enough and we had such a huge fight and some smaller ones after that. Of cause he vented to everyone who liked to hear about how irrational I was because of cause their was nothing between them etc. and he doesn´t seem to understand that these people get the absolut worst picture of me because he talks more about all the bad things than anything good. So of cause nobody likes me and nobodys wants me at events or parties. I am now to all the irrational crazy jealouse girlfriend just because he coudn´t see that i wished he would care more about how his friend act and/or behave towards me and the relationsship. With another friend I ones was at the point of "her or me" because she was so unbelievable rude to me. She called me a c and I should f myself and that I am a psycho (I still don´t know how it started or what I did that she was ready to insult me like that). She also send nudes to him at the beging of our relationsship (they had a time where they had a f+). He was angry with her for a few days but when he and I had a fight he ran right back to her for venting. Oh and she has a boyfriend who she cheats on for the last 5 year as I got to know later. He even had still contact with her behind my back for over a year even though he promised not to because of all the things she did. I felt so betrayed and hurt and somehow I was still the bad guy because they are long time friends and ultimatums are wrong etc. etc.. But at some point enough is enough. She never stopped insulting me regardless how often he would say that she should not do it and he still didn´t break of the friendship by himself. But for his friends there is of cause only his site of the story... On the other site I was friends with an ex but when he got a new girlfriend and she was uncomftable with how close we were I respected that because I wanted to respect him, her and their relationsship. Most importantly I saw how happy she made him and then how could I be angry about that. And in the end she came around and now I am again friends with him... I just wished the female friends of my boyfriend were more respectfull....

I always tried to have friendships with all sexes and were excited to have guy friends. But each time this guy would accept a friendship to just make a move some time along the line, sooner or later, sometimes in several years. There was no flirtatious behavior from my side and I was clear about my intentions to just be friends. So now I can't trust anyone to have a friendship with an opposite sex, I always suspect that it's an opposite side who will make a move sooner or later. So if my partner says he's not attracted to his friend, then it means it's that girl who has a romantic interest. Is it crazy from my side? How can I trust in this case if I failed every time myself to have an opposite sex friendship?

@coldpuck

2 жыл бұрын

Tell me about it, When i was a pretty young lady i trued to have genuine male friendships but they would all end up only seeing me as a female and nothing more, and only wanted to get close to me to date me. :( The day i made a male friend who didnt have an alterior motive and was just happy for company and friendship was a bit lifechanging experience. Hes since moved to another town but it meant a lot to have known him. :) Sometimes it can be SO hard just to have genuine friends. And even if you do it doesnt mean theyll stay that way. :/ Friendships is hard. But worth it. And nessisary. Also, yay dogs exist. :D Easy source of genuine friends! However you cant have an actual conversation with them. :/

@foggyfrogy

2 жыл бұрын

I think you should be friends with people that from the beginning wanted to be friends with you because of your personality and not because of the hope that you would someday be their romantic partner. I feel like women often recognize when a guy is attracted to her. Of course this will never gonna guarantee that the other person is not gonna fall in love with you. That said there's a difference between falling in love and being attracted to. A friend could want to try to find out if you both have a chance as a couple but that doesn't necessarily mean that they just see you soly as girlfriend material. If they keep on trying or they try it while you have a partner, you should break the friendship. When they try it but stop, the moment you make them clear it's not gonna happen, I feel like you can still be friends. So can two people who feel a certain amount of attraction to another be friends?? Yes, I think so. I have ton of male friends, my parents do and my brothers do. If not than we go back to the ,,women and men can't be friends"-argument. Edit: but by adding attraction to it you also have to have more boundaries, like stated in this video.

@jayliezambella

2 жыл бұрын

I think that's "trauma". Ur insecurities based on ur past experiences, and that's y u communicate, and also if needed see a counselor to help work on that insecurity. It's ok to feel insecure, but it's not ok to put that insecurity on some1 else to control that person, bc of how u feel. Now, ofc ur feelings need to be heard and taken into consideration, but when it's not based on anything abt the person ur projecting ur insecurities on it's not ok.

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

well, even if his female friend would have an interest in him, as long as you trust him not to reciprocate, thats her problem. People can be and stay friends even if one hit on the other at a time. either they get their shit togeather and stay friends, or not an the friendship ends, not that big of a drama

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

@@zjjir why would they want to? Because they get along great? Because they share interests you do not? If thats your standpoint, are bi people not allowed friends at all? Just because your potentially attracted to someones sex does not mean you are attracted to everyone of that sex or would you band everyone you ever met of the opposite sex? If not, why should they?

Perfect. Used to have a guy friend and when he got married she did not like our friendship. I was too single and young to understand. But when my dad passed away and he came to be pall bearer. And she ironed his suit for it. Will never forget that.

I had a handful of guy friends at work who were married, and I was single. We didn't see each other outside of work, we did have a few personal conversations, but it was usually in a big group, and always in an open space. I'd be fine if my significant other had the type of boundary that was there. Thanks for clarifying in this video.

My husband hangs with his male coworkers at least twice a week. They fish, play video games, have lunch, or after work drinks. Maybe once a year, female coworkers will invite him to lunch, or some other non work related activity. It has been for the females birthday parties, work lunches, or even to join their girlfriends for a movie. Maybe my situation is different because of how rare (once a year) he hangs with female coworkers, but I don’t mind at all.

Alicia is wise and beautiful, thank you both for sharing.

@MendedLight

2 жыл бұрын

I agree! I lucked out marrying her :)

@justbecause9645

6 ай бұрын

@@MendedLight I bet she never says that.

I had a male coworker go on a tirade at me about this one day, out of the blue. Just how he didn't have female friends, it was inappropriate, it always led to feelings, he would never do anything to jeopardize his marriage, "men and women must never mingle," yada yada yada. It surprised me and I still have no idea why he did this. I had considered him a work friend, but we never met outside of work or communicated outside of work email, and needless to say we never had any physical interaction. It really hurt because I enjoyed our friendship, and he basically quit talking to me after that.

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

so he was attractes to you and angry at you fo it?

Imagine a therapist saying this to every old woman who is friends with their pastor. imagine how awful the world would be if this were honestly true. 84, having Sunday roast, but your pastor secretly wants to sleep with you. Like, I imagine it's a thing. But how awful. I know it's hard for people to imagine people trying to reach out and still maintain boundaries. Mainly because that's a delicate balancing act that often people never get quite right. But imagine if it never hit that sweet spot in the middle even sometimes. We'd all be living shells of lives

Prefacing this: as a loner, I might not get the full picture. And I'm a teenager 😅 My personal opinion is that they can be friends but there should be a level of boundaries. Like for example, don't confide in the friend as much as your spouse. Like obviously, you'll need a new perspective sometimes but don't (idk if I'm explaining it right) have that friend be your go to. Like maybe find a different way to vent and calm down but go to your spouse first and communicate with them. That's usually how infidelity starts from what I've seen. Again I'm a loner. And in my first relationship, sure my partner got jealous at times but it wasn't because I had male friends or anything like that. It was very light jealousy that stemmed from what he saw others go through. He also didn't have many close friends. I either wrote my feelings down or I went to him about things. I'm mostly a loner because I haven't met anyone that could be a close friend with and because in my personal opinion it's not as fulfilling as being in a healthy romantic relationship. Like with my partner, it feels natural. I know what I can and can't say. In a friend setting, I would eventually find the balance but it wouldn't be the same I guess. I have a tendency to suppress my emotions. With my partner, it's easier to lower my guard enough to let them see the "real" me without leaving myself completely vulnerable in case things take a turn for the worse. With other people, it's different that I don't know how to explain. It just feels unnecessarily unnatural (maybe because they aren't a good friend match for me. I've always been able to tell when I vibe with people) I'm sleep deprived by now so I apologize if I didn't make much sense 😅

As a married woman, all my friends are also my husbands friends. Actually the friends we see the most are also a married couple, so we always hang out all four of us together. We've had times when we have hanged out with friends seperately, but its pretty uncommon. I guess the reason for that is because me and my husband are both each others best friends. If I had to choose one friend to hang out with, it would always be my husband.

@Wimlan

3 ай бұрын

Also, I guess I would be comfortable with my husband having a female friend that only he sees, but the thing is we both work long hours so we come home rather late on weekdays, and we have two kids so weekends are rather busy as well. Maybe he could have dinner or lunch with this friend like once or twice a month, but any more than that and it would be an issue of neglecting family for friends(regardless of the gender of the friend). Unfortunately, family life is way too busy sometimes...

One of my go-to thoughts is: do i feel like i need to hide this, yes/no.... if the answer is yes, im doing something wrong

Yes, Jonno, you're attractive and yes everyone knows how much you adore and respect your wife! I must unfortunately say that the struggle can often be applied to us ladies and our guy friends, cause heck, encountering single men who are not playing "the long game" or are not able to maintain an actual friendship - even if they happen to crush at some point is....... our current bitter reality. It appears to get better now, but I cannot count how many women suffer the problem and are grieving lost friendships and betrayal trauma on that instance. And it's gotta change! It kind of makes me hopeful Alicia has good news on the matter. Even I - a very secluded person who's super picky about who steps into the 'inner cycle' - have a story to tell. Regardless of my communication being crystal clear and I'm super early in spotting feelings, too. At least we could safe a long distance friendship over the years after taking a communication break to process the discomfort. The worst part is really NOT that people fall in love midway. The line between loved ones is very thin in reality and basically about commitment of time and a (possibly small) percentage on the physical intimacy scale. The worst part is, that people fall in love and then can't communicate & can't process it maturely! And that's unfortunate! It's the same unfortunate thing that makes the difference between "parting on good terms" and "a living hell of seperation" between couples. Emotional hygiene and communication skills are still severely underrated! 😭

@mcedwards

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, thank you for bringing this up. I'm always weary around my guy friends if they're single. I was really close with a guy I met in college. We were friends for about seven years. I had suspicions here and there that he might have had romantic feelings for me but I always brushed it aside, hoping I was wrong. Then he finally told me that he did. I didn't reciprocate. And now I've lost him as a friend entirely, partly because he was hurt and partly because a few months later he got back together with an ex that we were both friends with in college. So I backed off on trying to stay friends and he seemed to do the same. It has always been hard for me to grapple with the idea of just letting friendships go and knowing when it's right to or if some more communication is just needed.

@ariellak4867

2 жыл бұрын

I so agree with you, Kat! I've been saying this for years!

@KxNOxUTA

2 жыл бұрын

@@mcedwards I max have an advice for that. If you can practice to communicate openly when you notice things, that'll help. It will especially help the friendship. As it's drawing a healthy boundary and a way to check if the other person is mature enough to handle communication. If it's not possible to bring up your fears and concerns safely within a friendship (given that you do so in a caring and regarding way) then it's clear it's not a safe space (yet). And that stuff can be practiced with the people you wanna keep around. And practiced for yourself. It really becomes easier over time to be honest and have a high grade of integrity. It's hard at the beginning when you lose people because they are intimidated or do not meet the criteria. However, if you can embrace that staying with yourself works well. Having people around who'll drop you particularly when it gets difficult and you need them the most is a risk rarely worth taking. It does not mean we can't have those relationships. The difference is, that you're ready to throughly chek things and face them and asses how much you can lean on someone and when you can't. And when you can't you can decide if to keep or not (together) and you'll be OK if you separate. It'll sting but not damage quite that much. Lots of love to you. It's tough! It's really tough if you cannot just reach out and be in good hands. It's tough that these things are not our current norm. So we build it ourselves. And we make time and room especially for relationship testing and grooming :'3 We set our priorities in life ourselves, regardless of if our surroundings are helpful or get in our way.

Monogamy is a spectrum. Every person has their own set of boundaries in a romantic relationship. Talk about them explicitly with your partner(s), then commit to honoring them.

My husband and I are friends with everyone 😂 we've never had issues with eachother's friends regardless of if they're the opposite sex. I think there's a need for control if you're telling the other person who they can be friends with. I definitely wouldn't tell my husband he couldn't hang out with someone who brings him joy or who he feels teaches him something he needs to learn on his path of life. It's not necessarily fair on either person in a marriage to put so much pressure on the other to be their "everything". Both of us are capable of not looking at everyone through a sexual or romantic lens so are capable of having different types of relationships with others. We're both demi and keep anything sexual just within our relationship but everyone should decide what works for them.

I agree with most of your opinions. However, I do not think all of your emotional fulfillment should be put on the shoulders of your spouse/partner. Not every single area of your life should, really. Having to be the “everything” of someone is EXHAUSTING. My spouse is a straight cis male, I am a cis woman and my best friend is a straight cis woman; my bf knows about 99% of what has happened and happens in my life, my husband knows about 99%, too. The only thing each of them doesn’t know is whatever the other wants to keep between me and them (me & husband, me & friend). My bf helps me understand when I have made a mistake, and gives me advise on how to better myself for my partner and specially for myself; she listens, she cares and most importantly, our conversations do not change the way she sees my husband as a person and she NEVER tells me I am right when she knows I am not 😄

I don't think this is a thing that should be a general rule aside from both members being comfortable with everything. I think it should be a case by case basis. I like the core of would I act this way with my SO here...Also, you shouldn't be getting needs that are traditionally met within a relationship by anyone outside of the relationship.

I have more guy friends than girl friends and we’ve known each other so long that we have sibling relationships. We joke around and give each other grief. To some eyes, that’s flirting. To others, it’s a very clear sibling-type relationship. Ditching those relationships is just so isolating to even think about that having a relationship that requires giving up those relationships doesn’t even sound remotely worth it.

Beautiful video.

Obviously I'm gonna respect everybody's boundaries, but I gotta say it's so isolating for the dominant cultural narrative to be like, 'Den could make babies with you so keep them away' and it's like, according to who? I'm asexual. I don't care about any of that, I just need a hug. I'm not gonna cause trouble, it's just so hard feeling like every social door is closed in my face and nobody's interested in genuine, vulnerable friendships. I end up appearing cold because I'm trying so hard not to cross lines that seem so alien to me.

@SingingSealRiana

Жыл бұрын

feel you, it is such a stupid counterproductiv approach to realtionships, expecting a single one to be verything and deny any other typ of connection beside parental

Double date in my and my hubby's case is the best policy. It works for the both if us, and we all go home happy at the end of the day.

The therapist that said this knows that persons particular personality traits and for that person having friends that could replace their spouse could be very dangerous. I got in an affair that brought my ministry down with a long term (5 year) friendship. We just kept getting thrown together, spending more and more time together until it happened. Both our marriages eventually ended which was a goal since they both awful, but the collateral damages very regrettable. All this was before my current wife of 21 years.

I understand wanting to keep boundaries, and sometimes that meaning that someone who would threaten those boundaries has to go, but frankly I wouldn't consider any relationship where either member thinks that they or their partner cannot have ANY other orientation-compatible friends a healthy relationship. Either it's a false threat, in which case you're giving up way too much of your social and mental health to assauge your partner's irrational paranoia, or it's not, which is to say that one partner feels so little commitment that literally the only way to prevent cheating is to deny them any opportunity.

Don't have married friends, have been single for a while. Also a bi guy. Before I watch the video (might edit this comment later) I'll just chime in with some beginning thoughts: Yes, men and women can be friends in any circumstance. But they both need to be mature and emotionally healthy in order for that to happen, in case unreciprocated feelings occur. One of the things that boggles my mind the most is the idea that sexual/romantic feelings immediately nullify a friendship, whether you had them before or during the friendship. They do not, unless you let it be so, or if your friendship is just a cover for your interest. Assuming a genuine friendship, it's perfectly fine for both sexual and romantic thoughts to pop up! How you deal with them is the hard, yet mature part.

I have friends of the opposite sex just as my husband but we would have boundaries. We have access to each other's social media. We also never discuss anything about our marriage to friends. If we need advice, we go to our parents, our pastor, or a counselor.

@FruityHachi

2 жыл бұрын

“we have access to each other’s social media” that’s unhealthy, shows lack of trust

My husband doesn't _play_ dumb, he really is that oblivious, bless him, so I don't worry any female friends. (who're mostly work friends or friends of both of us anyway)

Serious question- my boyfriend has not given me any reason to not trust him. But he did cheat on his wife with someone who he said he was still friends with, and he did try to have a relationship with that person but it didn't work on. That was like 6 months before he and I met. Now she was a bad influence and not saying it wasn't his choice, but he started using drugs with that girl. Fast forward to when we started dating, she showed up to his house one day because she was in a "crisis" situation, and she said like oh wow you have a girl here, well hope you get laid and stuff like that. Meanwhile she has a boyfriend/her kids father. So I became very uncomfortable with the idea kf them continuing to "hang out" for multiple reasons. At the beginning of our relationship, he brought it up that he felt bad and felt if he stopped talking to her, she would relapse or whatever. He would sometimes get phone calls from her and if he said he was with me, she'd hang up on him and block him on social media for a little but never for long. Very manipulative things. So I told my bf that I was uncomfortable with them hanging out, so he stopped. But like then he started asking if I would be willing to meet her to like see how she was I guess, even though she had given me multiple bad impressions. I said one time that I'd be willing to try to do like a double date with her and her bf. Well her bf apparently said no. So I said, of her bf is unwilling, then why should I be willing? Anyway, it kinda of got dropped and he hSmr said anything about it in a long time. But part of me wonders if he ever sees her and doesn't tell me about it. I'm pretty sure they talk, idk how frequently. But one time I saw that on fb he had "hearted" a picture of her, like a selfie she posted. I felt pretty hurt because of felt like he rarely "hearted" any pictures of mine. He likes my pics, but not ❤ them. I did tell him, and I saw that he must have changed it to a regular like. Now the thing is, I have moved in wirh this guy. He is building rooms for my kids in the basement. He basically got a new car for me when my car literally had to be scraped because the whole engine went on it a year after I got it. It would have cost 11k to fix and it was worth 8k. He refinanced his house to pay off the remainder of my car loan. And I was able to cut my hours and go back to school because of his help. I own my own home and I'm planning on selling it, but we just have to do some work first. Another thing is that I notice he tends to ❤ a lot of girls pictures on fb. So I'm totally conflicted. On one hand, I see how much he's doing for me and my kids and he's building rooms for my kids. I don't know if I should be worried about him potentially, most likely, talking to other girls or not. It could be just talking, but who knows. I don't think it's anything more than that, but I think the fact that he cheated on his wife throws me off. Granted, his ex- wife is a real character and it seems they had a very rocky relationship and she legit is crazy. So I'm asking for people's honest opinions. Do you think I have anything to be worried about? Should I just "be ok" with him talking to girls? Most of my insecurity stems from me being cheated on by my kids father who I was with for 10 years. and my current bf shouldn't have to pay for someone else's mistakes, but I just don't know what to do. I have always been an extremely jealous person because of my kids father, but I have really tried to put that aside because I don't want to mess this relationship up. But idk. Thoughts please and thank you!

In order to get married through the church (a thing here in Venezuela) we had to go through a Wedding Class, where people who were married (young couples, older couples, etc) would give us certain advices from their points of view on how to have good marriages. It was rather fine until one of the guys said that you couldn't have an attractive secretary cuz you'd end up cheating on your wife.

Jonathan is the world's n.1 monogamist :D. It's nice.

I'm a mostly cis/ het woman. My entire life, I have had a good balance of male and female friends, and I have always encouraged my partner to have female friends because I want them to be able to get the perspective of a woman. I have a lot of hobbies and interests that are more typically mascuine, like archery, ax throwing, D&D, etc. In fact, I am friends with a few exes. We go for tea, and enjoy hanging out, and they are the first ones I go to when I need dating advice. They can give me a male perspective, and they also know what a pain in the ass it is to date me. I think it says a lot about someone's dating style if they can come out of a relationship and stay on good terms. I have defined boundaries with my partners and friends. At the beginning of relationships, I have a conversation of "hey, I have guy friends. I'm okay if you have woman friends. I have never cheated, this is what I consider cheating, and these are the expectations I have of you. Can you be okay with this?" If they have a problem with that, I end it. Sure, I can have pangs of jealousy, but if I don't trust my partner, why am I with them?

I don' t know many times I have been in friendship with a man and it turns out he is in love with me or at least he wants sex ... Even my now relationship grows from friendship. I trust myself and my partner to not across the line but I don't want man friend anymore because I don't want to be always in focus if he really want to be just a friend or he fall in love or he just sees it as way to get me in his bed... Yes I would stop it immediatlly but I think it is hard to find good man friend without any side intentions

Yep, Jono, you are pretty. Own it! Lol. Alicia, I loved seeing your reaction when he said that...priceless! Made me giggle. I recently had a conversation with my hubs about what IS flirting. I love having conversations with people where I am light-hearted and laughing with them about something. Of course, I'm like this with friends/family, but I love it when I'm talking to a salesperson on the phone and we can get to laughing over the situation and just connect as human beings riding this crazy earth ride together. (Life is a Disney World ride) I've been concerned that that behavior is flirting, but hubs said that he doesn't consider it flirting. He said it's more flirting if I were talking to that stranger in a way to try to get them to spend more time with me or to think about me even after the situation was resolved. Someone in the comments below asked for more clarification on "there is no such thing as innocent flirting." I'm still not sure that what I do isn't flirting. Would you talk about this some more? Help clarify what is flirting and what isn't?

@sunnyandthechlo

2 жыл бұрын

There's a difference between being friendly and open, and being flirty. I think your husband is right in his definition of what flirting is. Another big sign that what you're doing isn't flirting is that you don't WANT it to be. So it's the intention behind your actions. The only problem I could see is that people could misinterpret your actions, thinking you're being flirty when you're really just being friendly, so just watch for someone to take a step forward so you can take a step back. If someone seems to misunderstand you could either dial your friendliness back a bit or just tell them you wanna make sure they know your intentions. And take it from there.

@sorshae.elsbernd6132

2 жыл бұрын

@@sunnyandthechlo Thank you! This is great!! I appreciate your helpful clarification and suggestion. Makes sense.

After watching several videos, it is evident that the Anglo-Saxon Protestant world has a problem with the conception of the couple as an exclusive possession, as if having a wife or a husband were the same as owning a house, a car or a television. A husband or wife is not a thing you own, he or she is a person who should join you freely (although it seems that this is not the case in the Anglo-Saxon Protestant world) and who had a life prior to meeting you, with family and female and male friends.

My husband hung out with a a female coworker and it turned into a whole emotional affair where he is threatening divorce