I have autism. I don’t have a ton of empathy and am not really attached to people, but I also would never use or mislead a person. From my understanding, narcs are weak and use and manipulate others because they need them for supply. I would never hurt another person or cause pain on purpose. Narcs and people on the spectrum are two different types of animals

@Medialivingroom

Жыл бұрын

I agree! My son is autistic and autism runs in his fathers family. I am 100% a supportive mother and done everything opposite what I had as a child with a narc mother. My son is safe with me but have had a really bad time in school bc he is very smart and have a high IQ. He was bullyed and learned at school no adult could save him. They just told him he was the responsible to just ignore the other. There you have it! They learned him to not be aware of others! 😢

@noahtalbott6243

Жыл бұрын

You aren't listening to what the man is saying. He's not saying that autism is the same thing as narcissism. He's describing what happens if an autistic person has a mother who doesn't offer any emotional support

@cab26

9 ай бұрын

❤

@aminaelkouki3914

9 ай бұрын

I have a narc father and autistic mother and all 4 siblings I think would agree that both parents damaged us in quite similar ways. The lack of empathy in a parent in incredibly damaging whether from a good person or a toxic person.

@EliW95

9 ай бұрын

Not only that but some on the spectrum are actually hyper empathetic

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8 years old. I honestly don't even remember being 8 years old. I also grew up in a household with a narcissistic mother, and both sides of my family have a long history of narcissism and mental health issues. I came across this video when searching if there was a connection between cold mother syndrome and narcissism. My mind is honestly blown, I am a person that is hyper-sensitive to the emotional and mental states of those around me and I know I only became that way because I was bullied in elementary school for several years and my mother blew up on me and called me a horrible person for being mean to my older sister. From that moment, I have had an intense fear of upsetting others.... This is crazy 😵‍💫

I also think for ADHD, the inattentiveness/interruption of focus can be seen as a different type of dissociation. Your brain learns that focusing is danger (there’s pain/chaos linked to it) so the process gets interrupted - the same way trauma response works. And the comparison with the “unresolved” attention energy similar to the trauma that was never processed fits perfectly. I truly believe this. (I mean I’m surely not the only one saying this ;) that’s also in the video, but I see it as possibly the only real thing next to a temperament we were somehow born with) Edit 2: it seems to be an enormous amount of anxiety that we ADHD people “dissociate” from. On the other hand when we hyper focus it is to make sure we learn it ALL and failure (danger) can be avoided as much as possible. It’s preoccupation with avoiding painful feelings. Fear of failure - but next level, with “burnt out” brain 😑

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

I mentioned it in several videos (dissociation leads to attention disorders). But, you are right: I should have mentioned it in this one, especially. Will tackle the omission in the next vid.

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

But tune in for a big, counterintuitive surprise!

@hashtagspandas4070

3 жыл бұрын

Sam Vaknin I’m scared. I’ll dissociate :D

@hashtagspandas4070

3 жыл бұрын

Easiest “way out” for the brain to face anxiety producing situations is to switch off - once it’s learnt it will last as a coping skill for life - similar to dissociation as a “way out” in times of danger. It makes sense if you think of the amount of TIME that ADHD people lose (amnesia style?) due to being “stuck” in a half-dissociative chaotic state, utterly unable to move on with their tasks :( I know it’s not the same as full on amnesia, but similar. It’s being stuck in chaos in the brain. A real struggle. For example unless I sometimes don’t sleep for 3 nights I’m unable to finish work because only after that I will be physically exhausted enough (=back to conscious/awake, the irony!) to actually be able to focus. This happens mostly when the tasks are important: pressure of any sort It’s a fear to me, just manifests as brain being overwhelmed - so you escape. --- (I know there’s other things that can help with this, I’m just sharing the experience I had most of my life :)) Looking forward to all future videos on the topics.

@nicoledesmond1506

3 жыл бұрын

Agreed 100!!

My mother did this to me. She taught me I was only what others reflected to me. Making me responsible for what they reflected. She, nor anyone else she surrounded me with ever really saw me, the me that was inside.

@satisfyhelter-skelter4666

2 жыл бұрын

Same

@jacopobalia31

2 жыл бұрын

Broken childs assamble!!

@Accidental_Warrior

2 жыл бұрын

I wish we could do a thanos finger snap iron man style when it comes to dark triad mothers. Send them all to another planet where they can "reflect" each other, instead of demonising little children. The crap the narcissist must have had to break must have been truly awful.

@VrakDock

Жыл бұрын

Your mother was ultimately correct everything in your life is your own responsibility.

@susanparrott5175

Жыл бұрын

@@VrakDock As an adult, I agree. However as a child I had little control over my environment. I was simply trying to survive the environment I was born into.

Thanks for touching on this. Children with ADHD don't get positive reinforcement! However, there is a difference in the frontal lobes too. It's the emotional disregulation that parents struggle with. Good parental support is paramount along with awareness and medication in most cases. A missed diagnosis will perpetuate negative social interactions, possibly leading to Cluster B personality disorders. Hyper focusing is a major issue also! The problem occurs when the topic of hyper focusing is of a negative nature. Many great achievers have ADHD. They do have empathy though. After a meltdown, they are extremely apologetic. Empathy, declined when substituting love for material wealth took over. The balance between competition and cooperation has been lost.

Anyone else "raised" by a narcissitic father and autistic mother? As a child i felt like no-one saw me/ heard me/loved me. I've gone no contact almost 2 years ago and since then realised my grandmother( father's side) and aunt (his sister) are also narcissists and I probably have ADHD.

@chlomenclature

5 ай бұрын

Autistic father, narc mother

@BaiMengLing

Ай бұрын

You summed up why I kicked my ADHD partner out. His narcissistic behaviour were excluding me from raising our son. Now that I am allowed to play and talk with my son uninterrupted my sons behaviour (and language) has improved dramatically.

I'm not sure if you do requests on here or not, but I'd love more videos about Asperger's or autism in general (I am autistic). I love watching your content, as it has helped me identify toxic people in my life who refuse to get help of any kind. My BPD parent tortured me my entire formative years and early adulthood, so your content has really helped me understand and process why she is this way. Thank you for taking the time to make these videos and other content.

I have Asperger’s (28.5 years of age) and grew up with a narcissistic mother. I have narcissistic defenses and got misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder 4 times until I got an actual autism specified assessment. I can confirm you are right with your theory

@susanneangelaseefried3182

3 жыл бұрын

Very interesting. I‘m a school psychologist who also works with kids with Asperger‘s syndrome. And indeed I see the same family structure over and over again: Narcissistic father, no father at all and emotionally inavailable mother, etc. This theory is extremely interesting for me.

@TheQueenIsWithin

3 жыл бұрын

That's similar to my experience.

@BrianIsaacbrayodigga

3 жыл бұрын

Have been thinking i have ADD/ADHD am not hyper thought am the anxious type but i noticed recently that i instead have aspergers ASD instead these symptoms are tight....but narcs and sycopaths sycopaths are comouflages from my experince of these traits

@undertheradar001

2 жыл бұрын

I am exactly the same. I have just only been diagnosed with aspergers at 51. My mother is narcissistic,; and always explained my autism as severe mental health issues or demonic possession.

@susanneangelaseefried3182

Жыл бұрын

@Emma Jean, I hope u have good people around u who see your incredible abilities. I know that overcoming those childhood experiences is extremely complicated - but you’ll thrive!

“Is easily distracted” I have to rewind this video multiple times😁

@user-ti2ou6ld5l

3 ай бұрын

Me too 😢

Min 6:15 sorry but I already AGREE ☝🏼 if a child is hype vigilant and occupied with finding a way to “survive” annihilation then they can’t fully develop/train certain areas of the brain. I’m the combined type. Cheers

Prematurity. I’ve long wondered if my son’s ADHD/ASD/Dysgraphia was partly caused by being in the paediatric ICU while I was in the adult ICU for many days before I could be with him. (Fulminant eclampsia + pulmonary oedema at 28 weeks). Then there were a few months where I was there all day with him every day, but he was in the incubator most of the days. Once I was able to get him home, and safe, I had a break down. It took months to get myself back, fully. I was there but not. Maybe not enough. . When do you think this window occurs? It isn’t about me, I know, but this is the third time I’ve listened to this and I am so sad and sorry. I took parenting classes, ironically, as I didn’t have a good enough mother, myself, so I’ve consciously parented - but maybe not enough when needed. Thank you for your honesty, even when it hurts.

I very much enjoy all of your videos and the clear and concise methods of teaching you use. I have a pretty severe dissociation problem, but I can still keep up pretty well with you because of your teaching style. I just wanted to say I appreciate the free information and the wide assortment of fascinating topics. Thank you. I often have questions, but I don't trust myself to be able to ask them in a way that that wouldn't be aggravating as hell for you, so I don't ask. Thankfully you cover every aspect of your subject by the end, so this also helps me to be patient and not want to manically channel surf to look for other videos for the information. Thank you again.

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

You can ask anything any way you want - but only after you had searched this channel for answers.

@margogarrison2526

3 жыл бұрын

@@samvaknin thank you. I appreciate that.

Sam, your insight describes my own mother and older brother who, I believe, was a psychopath. He passed away at 23 years old and through out my life he was a sadist who beat me up through out my youth and teenage years. My brother used to get a thrill in killing animals, beating up people and other sadist behaviors. I am a recovering co-dependent but thanks to your excellent videos on Narcissism, I've been able to move forward and not have ill feelings towards the Narcissists in my life, like my mother, ex-spouse, and older brother. Thank you.

@evka24

3 жыл бұрын

Sending u a big hug. Sorry for your hardship ❤️💐

thanks a lot Sam, a wonderful elucidation of the underlying dynamics. I can totally relate to what you are saying here because I have been observing this kind of behaviour all my life in my mother. What makes the understanding of this mind set so valuable for me is that I don't lose my emotional balance so much anymore when I get triggered. So I suffer much less and don't take it personally anymore.

This is simply the most brilliant, educated, informed and enlightened Video clip I've EVER seen on KZread...feck, anywhere. Thank you Mr Big Brain!

I have ADHD, late diagnosis. Some observations. In reality there are very few constants. Behaviours are constantly oscillating in childhood. A once warm mother can change as a child ages, or as siblings come along, or as post natal depression grips. So a child may perceive disregulated/unreliable oscillations in attention. This is particularly so for the eldest child. If the mother’s attention promotes dopamine release and then the mother’s attention is lost or unreliable the child will begin to seek other sources. This may be through disruption. But, the child may also find ways of cognative soothing through fantasy, that is not disruptive. Also, I would not assume that the child’s path to narcissism is that strong. It may be just as strong towards codependency. Finally, there is always an assumption in ADHD about hyperactivity as being an excess of energy. In my case there is leg tapping, need to stand and walk around inappropriately. The reason for this is a lack of arousal not arousal. There are times of when there difficulty in maintaining alertness and it can present like a form of narcolepsy. The activity is being used to hold off involuntary sleep.

@lmitchell3604

Жыл бұрын

Also ADHD here, late diagnosis, and the eldest child. Oof.

Yes!! Thank you! My intuition tells me this too!! I had no mother care giver as she is undiagnosed inattentive ADHD with complex PTSD and escaped by working too much. I had a difficult childhood and in adulthood came a cross the idea of Narcissism and in my shame wondered if it was me. I then came across the concept of ASP and recognized the traits as my own. The description you share of hyperactive ADHD sounds like me as well. I also consider myself as an Empath - a psychic gift activated later in life that helps me physically feel other people's emotions where before I had no way of relating or understanding other people's emotions. Lately I am confused as to if I'm a narcissist or ADHD or ASP and after much obsessive researchi am certain the narcissist is an ADHD or ASP who was traumatized in childhood. Is bothers me when people are so hateful of narcissists. Everywhere I look everyone is a victim of Narcissistic abuse, and no where do you find people claiming to be the narcissist. So where are all these narcissists if everyone is the victim? I think the victim, perpetrator and rescuer are all the same kinds of people (Empath and narcissists) who are just swopping roles in any given situation.

@cathyjackson7248

3 жыл бұрын

It's certainly an ability of some autistic/ADHD people to "feel" emotions, a bit like synesthesia. Normally though, a narcissist is someone who wants to control other people because they never had that sort of functionality over themselves. ♥

@linacoo7430

3 жыл бұрын

Interesting. I feel you. So, do you think your empathy is an illusion? It is my thought about myself now :)

@Entertainmentbridge

2 жыл бұрын

I feel the same as you, very well expressed 🙏

@badbeachindustry1615

Жыл бұрын

I've spoken to psychics and done my own research. Actual Empaths are pretty much John Coffey from the Green Mile. And usually really sad/disturbed people are attracted to them. If they can't get a hold of you IRL they will stalk you via social or try to put a metaphysical hook into you and feed off you. (Empaths are spiritual washing machines always generating zen energy and clearing out shit on the planet, usually come from horrible places or situations intentionally to clean the energy) I've consulted a trusted psychic and they confirmed I am one , but I still do not enjoy claiming to be one and still in disbelief of it even tho I've got evidence and experiences to back it up. I just don't like the word. On a logical note I don't like the term empath. They should be called a codependant, And every self proclaimed "empath" I've met is practically a narc.Theyre manipulative as hell and start acting out when they don't get their way, attention whores too (I've noticed this with people who claim to have split personality too, when really DID is much more complicated and subtle and the person dealing with it has no clue thats what's happening until they see a pro) and from doing research and watching this channel I've figured out that Dark Triad people can literally sense a broken victim like its a sixth sense. And broken victims love that shit. They love suffering and being a victim and they love drama hence why this empath/narc dynamic is a thing. It sounds harsh when I post this but if you really don't enjoy your suffering anymore you'll mask and do anything to heal your victimhood and you will do whatever it takes to get strong. Everyone is a victim of a victim and hurt people hurt people.....pretty simple stuff. I don't even really believe in mental health. I study psychology and always liked Carl Jung FOR FUN. This is my hobby and I believe if youre gaslighted enough or really let the idea sink into your head. Then yes you can become very mentally unwell. Some people are born unwell and I believe it. Your mind is more powerful than that and you can tame it , don't let your brain run your life. I enjoy/appreciate this channel because the Dr is honest and has made some really good connections. Not to mention he is a specialist in his area, and is probably more reliable to get information on than any other doctor. Most psychologists graze the surface level and give information but probably are too scared to dive into or specialise in these areas. We all know most psychologists refuse to work with BPD patients.

@eeveecat2158

Жыл бұрын

Did she have a choice or did she have to work? Could it be a societal construct? I don't jump to blaming before I examine the everything. I understand my mother because I met her parents, my grandparents.

Fantastic lecture. Thank you for putting this online. It is a real help.

Agree totally with your postulation . My ex partner has been diagnosed with ADHD and ticks all the boxes of NPD,BPD and Paranoid Personalty disorder from what I have learnt through your teaching. I wish he would get a professional diagnosis as I would love to see him.get help. Your channels have helped me immensely. I had to walk away at he was starting to affect my well-being, however he just can't accept friendship. Its all on or its he can't see me at all so I can't even be there to support him.as a friend.

I would really love to see a video for mothers, how to be a good enough mother.. and thank you very much I really appreciate your hard work on these helpful videos

@erickanorris3391

3 жыл бұрын

Winnicott's theory of the good enough mother is described in several books. Just google "good enough mother" you will also find several decent Psycology Today articles about this topic. My child's preschool required parents to read about this.

@daniellelehn8554

3 жыл бұрын

Me too!

@debiharper4859

3 ай бұрын

Sam, I was married to a narcissistic husband and I have adhd. My son like myself hyperfocuses never followed my husband neither did I do we both became the scape goats...But I spend numerous hours every day with my son. He and I did cognitive therapy I was affectionate and living and listened to him all the time. Husband came into his life when he was 4...When I finally made him leave my son was almost 11 . My son became abusive to me and withdrawn. How do I fix this he is now 13

Very helpful in understanding my N with adhd. More videos on the IN and the process of how that PD is created and how we function? That’s me the IN. Your work is so helpful. Can’t thank you enough.

You are so right on about the media and attention spans. I see this a lot with kids. Even their cartoons are programmed to change scenes every three seconds.

Thank you for sharing all this information!

Totally agree with Sam that there's a connection between these things. He's right - it will need to be proven... but what he has posited makes perfect sense. I remain grateful for the videos and for the fact that you work to further our understanding of such things... for all our betterment!

They cannot love you and they will make it your fault. Devastating to me as a small child.

My parents are both narcissists. I hat the diagnosis of ADHD and my son schizophrenia. This is what happens.

@blancaa.gonzalezdelapena6353

2 ай бұрын

you welcome to chat here , open minded and interest hearing you story . you are not alone , you are human to . some people , can confuse someone as narcissit , it they are as obvious don't engage , sef care and seek a therapist.

I was cut away from my Inner Child at really young age, I internalized abusive behaviour from parents. Within myself this keeps repeating the patterns. I feel i cant be whole because im disconnected from the Self. I was cured from PTSD (abuse) just a year ago. 39 years old man. I was in mental health care for 18 years and nothing helped. You are right in so many topics. It all goes back to certain coping in traumatic situations. DSM 4-5 seems the problem here. Because insurance needs to know how much to pay the psychologic help? In a way arent we all out of touch with our higher soul?

Horribly sad and unfair to children and society that mothers and parents are not obliged to take a serious long course before bringing children to the world and.....potentially "bad" parents should not be allowed to have children in the first place.

What if mother is not selfish or evil but purely too busy working?I believe those growing up living in a very full household parents spread themselves thin & so the child is dealing with abandonment-I agree and appreciate the analysis of missing "something to latch onto" and using hyper activity to garner attention

@johnschmid865

2 ай бұрын

Yep. Neglect and abandonment = abuse

@johnschmid865

Ай бұрын

@@Wafaa0_ that is the brainwashing talking my friend. Just because someone was abused doesn’t give them the right to abuse you. I understand, I went through it all too. So painful

One of the most brilliant lectures in human conduct that I have ever seem. Bravo. Vaknin, this time I agree 100 percent with you.

Please Sam, make a video or as many as you need to to explain and describe in detail how mothers should be, behave, communicate etc in order to provide a healthy environment for the children at home and minimize as much as possible the risk of children turning narcissistic, adhd etcc.

I’m so pleased that you are discussing Autism. Thank you 🙏 it’s an important topic. I have been hoping you would discuss this in more depth. I feel many people jump on the narcissist bandwagon not even consider ing Autism as a possible diagnosis especially in women.

@jane4726

2 жыл бұрын

I came to narcissism through autism…I thought he was just autistic. No he’s not…he’s a psychopath and narcissistic too.

@Entertainmentbridge

2 жыл бұрын

@@jane4726 ya its pretty important to understand the difference one is based in manipulation and self importance the other in sensory perception and brain wiring

@jane4726

2 жыл бұрын

@@Entertainmentbridge I understand that…but one doesn’t preclude the other. He has sensory and processing issues, exceptionally intelligent, no emotional intelligence, no awareness of the pain he causes, no friends…but he’s malicious and deliberately unkind, seeking to punish when I or our daughters don’t do as we’re told. It’s more than autism

@Entertainmentbridge

2 жыл бұрын

@@jane4726 yes a person with no emotional intelligence would definitely have a hard time understanding how to be empathic. Its unfortunate that you partnered with such a person. Hopefully you will know the red flags in the future. My original comment was more in regards to to autistic people who are being called narcissistic because they do not understand social cues or talk to much about there special interests

@jane4726

2 жыл бұрын

@@Entertainmentbridge thank you for understanding…I think the difficulty is that the two conditions can do exist and often present in a similar way; I think effects on partners and families may well be similar, the difference being intent.

In January 2020 I happened to meet and become deeply involved with a person with high narcisistic traits,( she herself also suspects that she has bipolar disorder) I have 80% removed her from my brain, after her final discard ,she is one of my mother's support workers so complete removal is not practically possible yet. I am also living in almost total isolation which is, in all honesty a positive thing for me now and I don't find that particularly challenging,. ADHD is not a disorder in my mind, it is, in other people's minds, ignorance leads to poorly understood ideas about brains so I will continue to ingest as much information regarding the meaning of everything which thanks to Vyvanse/Elvanse is now possible as I have joined up thinking for the first time in my life.

This is something I’ve been connecting in my mind as well after dating narcissists who were also ADHD as children.....they were men who were constantly in trouble as children because they had no impulse control.....I believe because NPD is shame based that it’s totally probable that there’s a connection. My son as well....got in trouble at school constantly and developed anger issues because he wasn’t being “bad” and felt misunderstood. My son and I were close but his father had no patience w him. Now as a 21 year old he swings from extremely empathic to extremely narcissistic and entitled. He was also diagnosed w ODD before we sent him to drug treatment as a teen. I am ADD myself so perhaps that’s why I’ve been drawn to these men. I see where they are wounded. Yet I have empathy and they did not. I could not comprehend that someone could act like they loved me but really did not.

@nicoledesmond1506

3 жыл бұрын

I have had close to the same situation in my own life. My ex husband is an overt narcissist. I am not the mother that Sam speaks of here, thank goodness - But I agree with him 1000 percent about these damn cell phones and social media regarding paying attention. Pulling his face away from the phone to have him focus on the task at hand or to ask him a question is extremely difficult. My son who is 14, is an empath like me. However, I see him swing to the entitled narcissistic side with rage sometimes and I wonder if it’s because he had to develop some kind of defense from his father. I have behaved this way in the past too as a defense growing up and residing married in a chaotic abusive household. He was diagnosed with ADHD, but I am a firm believer that this is just complex PTSD, always walking on eggshells, in constant flight or flight because he never knows when he will be attacked, belittled, etc. He is spacey, in his own world, has a difficult time staying focused, unless he is fascinated by the subject and then can focus for consecutive hours at a time.

@phorestpsy216

2 жыл бұрын

@@nicoledesmond1506 this sounds like me, i'm on the autism spectrum, with comorbid adhd, but i have recently wondered whther i might meet criteria for c-ptsd. when i feel threatened i can turn on and become extremely angry and insulting, I think this is partially due to alexythmia.

hi. Just stumbled on this video. I have autism myself. Late diagnosis. I've always said some people are genuinely autistic or have ADHD: for them, its a geniune neuro-developmental disorder. However, I feel some kids or adults have more personality disorder/mental illness but gets over diagnosed with autism/adhd. I think it's cruel to Misdiagnosis someone as autistic or ADHD as the kid or young adult as they will not get proper treatments. But with overdiagnosis or Misdiagnosis children/adults, it's like blaming the kid for being abnormal, instead of caregivers looking how they affect children. Does this makes sense? With my autism, I have good very cognitive empathy but my emotional empathy is slightly limited. I care about people/animals but I struggle showing my empathy and emotions in an outward manner. With my autism, I have adhd type symptoms as well.

Also thanks for clarifying why the narcissist needs supply. I guess its the never ending quest in looking for parental attention but the ego will not let them admit it. They will feed off that golden child no matter how much that preferential treatment is destroying them. This is one of the reasons my elder brother cannot get his life together. His entitlement complex fostered by my parents has created a cowardly streak in him where as the eldest of the children he fails miserably at setting an example or taking family matters in his own hands.

17:11 The attention span might be short, but most of all, it is hardly manageable. It might take me an hour to focus on a daunting task, but once I'm there, it's just as hard to lose focus and stop what I'm doing until I'm done.

Thank you for this lecture Sam. Im so grateful that you explained this so perfectly.

Sam i have Adhd and i watch your videos usually from begining to end. . Most adhd people can focus most of the time if the subject interest enough to them.

@hashtagspandas4070

3 жыл бұрын

*if it’s a happy subject ie no emotional charge / no social pressure / no fear of failure :) That’s what it usually is rather than being “more interesting”. My opinion. I used to be fine too but now that I watch it more and use it as help for some specific things I’m learning it has become “important” so I have to rewind 4-5 times. Lucky Sam Vaknin is still entertaining and interesting even after attempt 5 🤔 ... very strange. These evil professors! ;)

@vince7349

3 жыл бұрын

@Sarah Min Actually I have more the inattentive type however can relate to other type symptoms as well.

@kaisander6180

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, thats right. They can even better focus than people without adhd as soon as they start hyperfocussing. Problem is the focus regardarding to boring monotonous things. And of course as soon as the ADHD brain is overwhelmed by too much stimulation coming from different sources. For example if somebody is talking, the phone is ringing and the washing machine starts making noise the focus will be lost immediately, even if the noises are not very loud. The expression adhd is chosen very unfelicitously since people with adhd can often concentrate very good if they are immersed in something once. ADHD is a sensory disorder of unfiltered perception. People affected with adhd lack the filterung function in their brain selecting important from unimportant stimulants. Hence, they are overwhelmed from inner (emotions, thoughts) and exterior (people, noises, situations) stimulants. The thinking is very non-linear and associative. While you are thinking about something you start associating and end up with a totally different subject. For the talking partner this could appear as a sudden jump regarding to the subject, but it“s not. It“s alwaysed based on a row of associations, like the branches if a tree! ADHD it“s a different way the brain works. Because of the above mentioned mechanisms people with adhd have big problems organizing things, setting priorities, planing foresightful etc. This has the effect that they are often perceived as umreliable, lazy, indifferent. But they are not! Most of them are trying very hard to get along with their stuff.

Huh. My father almost certainly has NPD. My sister has autism. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. I can certainly be on board with there being a connection. Watching these videos has gotten me to understand that I used to dissociate around my father, which likely helped me develop ADHD (inattentive type).

@asvintatur8944

2 жыл бұрын

My whole family has NPD lol I do too but the only difference is I still feel guilty and can still feel sorry for people unlike them , which means I can still save myself from becoming like them . I am now taking the courage to cut ties with them . I have always thought I wasn't good at anything because of them . They set you up for failure . I have mental health issues too and addiction lol but always a way out for anyone out there . Their victims usually turns out just like them and does the same thing to people .

@jannellol

2 жыл бұрын

I thought ADHD was something you're born with like autism, not developed

I'm autistic, grew up with BPD mother. Once I learned psychology I realized I never try to figure out people, why do they do this, what do they think, I lack theory of mind. Now I know why. I thought unpredictable is normal, stop trying to predict. Why is everyone else trying to pigeonhole me, figure me out predict me, stop it already! Just accept me as I am, like I accept who you are without trying to predict your next move or understand you.

U might want to take into consideration that many of these mothers are preoccupied because they have to take up the slack where father does not

@BaiMengLing

Ай бұрын

in books like "the body keeps the score" you can find sources for the fact that in many cases mothers neglect their kids because they are themselves victim of abuse from their husband, ie. a main source of child abuse are toxic fathers.

Sam, could you please talk more about guilt as internalized empathy?

This has been so illuminating and validating. None of my family or my therapist believe I’m a narcissist no matter how much I tell them I am

@aycha_1449

5 ай бұрын

Interesting. What are the reasons they give you for not believing you?

Why is hardly anyone speaking about this really important things? (sorry for my english)

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

Why kill the victim goose that lays so many golden eggs for all the coaches, “experts”, and “intellectuals”?

I have dyspraxia, ADHD and Aspergers traits. My parents separated aged 18. Their marriage was always bad. My mother’s parents have severe mental health problems, caused by distant cousin marriage. My father has Asperger’s syndrome and narcissistic personality disorder. My developed Parkinson’s and dementia aged 16.

I used to pretend my stepfather was from another planet; if I thought of him as a Klingon or a Vulcan, it helped me have realistic expectations for his behavior & take it less personally.

You have to remember that so much of this is self fulfilling prophesy from the mother. My mother decided I was "strong willed" and "manipulative" when I was an infant. She then sought to break me of this by beating me into compliance any time I did expressed a genuine need or emotion. I don't think I developed psychopathy or ODD but I did get very good at being manipulative because if you're seen as manipulative when you express genuine needs then the only way to be seen as nonmanipulative is to become manipulative by meeting your needs in clandestine ways. I do have adhd and also I'm an addict but I'm don't think I'm narcissistic? Then again, if I was I wouldn't know it, but I do know that I have a lot of empathy, sometimes too much empathy in that it can be painful to be around other people too long and I have to take long breaks from human contact so I can recharge.

@wordsretainpower6250

2 ай бұрын

If you're an addict, you're narcissistic... the two go hand in hand. If you were raised by a narc and you develop substance abuse issues, the traits you learned from your parents will be magnified, you can get better if you choose to stop the substance use and do serious therapy. I was raised by narc parents and I acted like a total narc when I was addicted to drugs. Once I got better, it was like a slow peeling onion of undoing all the bad in me. Get better, you're only medicating your pain with substances...you will never heal that way. Best of luck.

@BaiMengLing

Ай бұрын

sounds like we had the same mother !! "t I do know that I have a lot of empathy, sometimes too much empathy in that it can be painful to be around other people too long and I have to take long breaks from human contact so I can recharge." it is autism ;)

I believe I was one of 20% of children diagnosed with ADHD also showing signs of conduct disorder who never developed psychopathy later as an adult. The part in the video about the mother being embarrassed about the child's sadism is probably why my pediatric psychiatrist never heard about the incidents where I killed two of my sister's pet rabbits. I don't believe it was sadism but instead out of curiosity. I'm thinking I would've been diagnosed with conduct disorder along with my ADHD. But I believe the main reason why I didn't develop psychopathy was because my mother and father raised me in a stable environment.

But ADHD manifests, and is received, very differently with women... the ADHD woman may have had been created by her caregiver too; but instead of acting out, she becomes a “perfectionist” and is labeled “chatty”

@domtekos7761

3 жыл бұрын

Actually ADHD is more commonly inattentive type for Woman and they can be very much introverted and quiet rather than "chatty". This is only one part of a parcel you would be seeing of someone diagnosed with ADHD, there is so much more to it than that. I wouldn't say it manifests very different to men either, there's just superficial things easily seen to those outside that simply appear different, along with different expected roles of the genders in society that bang heads against the individuals symptoms.

I dont remember my grandpa much after he passed away when I was still fairly young. The one thing I remember was that we used to play checkers, and I think we were learning to play chess before he passed. I enjoyed these games, but I noticed there was something different about the way most adults played games with me at that age, in that he never let me beat him. I don't have a negative memory of that, I guess i thought of it like something where I would get better if he didn't play easy on me. But in retrospect I wonder if that evinced a certain lack of empathy. I know my dad has some major covert narc traits, but also some obviouis autistic aspects to his perosonality. Mt grandmother is incredibly cold, and I wonder if the idealized grandfather whom everyone spoke nothing but great things about may have been different behind closed doors. He went to anapolis, and I think my dad always felt under his shadow intellectually. My intelligence outshone my dad's from an early age, but began to have meltdowns and adhd traits around 5th or 6th grade.

This was such a thought-provoking analysis. Thank you for posting! The idea that a narcissist could be a child with undiagnosed ASD who later develops hyperactivity makes me wonder whether or not the false self could be a sort of special interest. Since people with ASD are prone to fixations and often cannot stop thinking about/talking about their special interest, it wouldn't be too far a stretch to consider the narcissist's devotion to building/maintaining the false self as analogous to say an autistic child who is devoted to building computers. Special interests are also known to reduce overwhelming anxiety and can make the child feel "unreachable" because the child is always in their head thinking about the special interest. It sounds suspiciously similar to the false self. I also have heard that many women with undiagnosed ASD can easily be misdiagnosed with BPD because they share similar traits like alexithymia, black and white thinking, and mood lability. Plus DBT is known to help people with ASD as well! This video was fascinating to think about. It makes me wonder how many of the cluster Bs are people on the spectrum who built grandiose defenses to combat the constant abuse/criticism for being different.

@neptunianheart

2 жыл бұрын

^

This is very accurate. Unfortunately has a very close connection to the people around me.

A person with ADHD here, I always suspected that my mother is either a narcissist or a borderline.

could there be a level of this at play with having a babysitter who did a lot of early life care, but a mother was warm when she was able to be around? And a father who was workaholic.

Would the analogy of a black hole be suited to a narcisist? Empty inside, defined by the light/matter surrounding it, impossible to be defined as an entity but rather by the effects on its surroundings.

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

I have made this analogy in at least 13 separate videos on this channel over the past 12 years.

I still remember my older sister telling mom! Something is wrong with little brother? I recently remember it!

A family member that was "suicided" appeared in a dream as an angel saying to focus on one's own life and love not wasting time and that they will recieve just punishment in the end. "They live a life of denial." Therefore do not make the same mistake. "Use it or lose it" They don't want you to use it because they lost it a long time ago so why throw yours away for a highly potential lost cause, waste of time, energy and sanity. If someone wants to drown in their own demise, stupididy and delusions, maybe it's best to let them go than to drown with them as they desire consciously or not.

36:30 an important message and a reminder for myself.

2:15 (personal timestamp) "he never learns to pay attention, he never learns how to laser focus or hone in on another person..he never learns how to become attentive because theres no one there to absorb his attention and reciprocate positively and encourage the child to continue to pay attention"

My question is: where is the help for us all? I wish I could help kids living the hell in school I did, but idk how. Doctors refuse to help me, saying these are issues we should’ve learned how to cope with by adulthood. There also isn’t any testing for ASD in adults in my area. I called everywhere. My doctor said it’s pointless to look for treatment because there is none, other than mood stabilizers, which have only made me manic and gave me insomnia. I don’t like being the center of attention bc it makes me too nervous, so I end up cutting people off and also finishing their sentences. It’s a nightmare to live like this. I still get told to calm down and drink bc ppl like me better when I’m drinking.

@tabitha4048

3 жыл бұрын

I think online community has been the biggest help! An autism diagnosis has many pros and cons, and as an adult unless you need it for government assistance or accommodations at school/work it isn’t a requirement to be validated in your experience! Many therapists have experience working with autistic adults, I think finding one that also is trauma aware would be helpful too. No autistic reaches adulthood without some form of trauma. It’s been a while since you originally commented so I hope you have already found answers! If so, feel free to share bc I think it’d help a lot. If not, I hope some of my experiences are useful. 👍

The Covert Narcissist in my life slides into Borderline diagnosis after publoc mortification with previous partner. The child of that mortification creating union was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Autism spectrum, as a very young child. As an adult this child has also been diagnosed as Borderline personality Disorder. The paternal grandfather was diagnosed as Borderline and suffered horrible abuse as a child. My partner was not responsible for raising the child beyond infant. As an infant the child was raised by the Narcissist not the mother. The mother was at work. At least in this situation there seems to be a connection with this hypothosis.

is it posible to turn off and on emphaty for someone??? Or would such a person able to do so have s split personality?or could be triggered by some environment events? A leak of emphaty can be result of childhood as you mentioned, but humans can be conditioned to leak of emphaty? Like soldiers like political factions, Nazis etc. so that they develop a group thinking and sense of feeling and see others as non-human?

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

Watch the vids on empathy in this channel.

Never heard this true explanation 🤔!

Wow very intrigued. Im more interested in the mother being the narcissist and. How it affects the child through out their life

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

Then why not search this channel for relevant videos? Just curious.

What you are describing is the in arms experience when babies are kept with mother in arms .it learns to regulate .as its mother is attune to mother an her interactions with the world around .them .as unit .isn't this ?

But with ADHD there is also the ability to laser-focus.

Yo the serial killer bit plz respond cuz I have person insight on the subject

But what about a warm, comforting mom, high empathy who loves and celebrates her children...? Still one has ADHD and one ADD?

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

ADD is the previous name for ADHD. Watch the vid more carefully: these are brain disorders.

Dear Dr. V-thank you for being part of my awakening. Your videos are f*ing eye-opening-becoming more & more self-aware in my life w/a modern day zombie of the 60th century. Documented projection will be 9/22 in court. Thank you for preparing me for bad hollywood script-Explains the dream of being surrounded by them.

Dear Sam, I can really feel how much you are suffering yourself under the present cultural malaise of narcissism across the board. Fortunately, I found Buddhist meditation as a way out of the cycle of abuse. It saved my life.

i don't know butt the most people with ADHD that i met had the same patterns as Dark empath or a narcissist.

@BaiMengLing

Ай бұрын

I have a acquaintance who has ADHD (she bragged about it to me) and she treats her little girl like my mom did to me: I stopped talking to that mom, she is a narcissistic bitch, thinks of herself as better as other people and has NO patience nor compassion for her daughter's health issues. Her husband too is showing severe sign of abuse, he used to be smiling and warm, now he is a ghost :( I feel so sad for them, she is a vampire.

You're correct

Fascinating and incredibly informative, as per usual, thank you. On a slightly different and comedic tangent, 🤔so we could possibly use babies as narc detectors? Lol, 😆I'm imagining a gun mounted infant.

She was the only one that noticed a sign!

I always jump around in my classroom!

Appreciated the Beastie Boys reference.

To what extent should parents be held accountable for bad parenting? Clearly children who suffer from such horrible parenting are victims.

@BaiMengLing

Ай бұрын

then the parents can blame the grandparents, and the grandparents can blame great grand parents, or maybe we could stop acting like narcissist and take responsibility for our lives ??

How does this explain when Adhd runs in families? My dad, me, cousins and some of my cousins' whose don't have adhd their kids have it. All on the same side of the family. Isn't there a big inherited component to it?

@DMWB57

Жыл бұрын

Exactly! My younger sister has ADHD, my husband, and my oldest son. I knew within a month my son probably had it bc of his startle reflex was so pronounced. I think one can have several personality disorders at one time but to imply that ADHD is caused by a bad Mother is too simplistic and to label children with ADHD as narcissists in the making is not right. The brain just works differently and they may have low dopamine so it's mostly a chemical thing and does in fact run in families so thx for your comment.

I lose everything!

It sounds good but it's all different disorders and they have their own neurological substrates and genetical predisposition

Narcissism, as described in your videos, can be illustrated through movies and music but I'm having a hard time finding it in paintings. Narcissism seems to be a fluid series of causes and effects that may not be suitable for a static image. Does anyone know of any artists who have achieved this in individual paintings or drawings?

I understood that ADHD is highly inheritable and nothing to do with environment?

Hi Sam, I recently left my narcissistic ex. I knew he was a little off at the start but I loved him very much - I find it incredibly difficult to reconcile the good with the bad. I know he had childhood adhd growing up coupled with an absent mother (who has bipolar disorder) busy with her career who would remind her sons that she never wanted children. Even when we were dating he would tell me that he is on the autism spectrum. He has extreme bouts of narcissistic rage (over things that are hardly worth getting upset over - never know what triggers him), screams yells and blames me for everything going wrong. He rejects advice and offers of help given to him out of love and goodwill from both me and his family. Will therapy with his mother ever help someone like him? He has so much potential and kindness, I both pity and love him..

@phorestpsy216

2 жыл бұрын

this is honestly incredibly unspecific and could go either way with your ex just being a narcissist, or you being a neurotypical and unable to understand his needs and actions do to the double empathy problem. Or a mixture of both . Advice given by neurotypicals who don't know understand an autist's condition is not helpful, advice may be well-meaning, but that doesn't mean its not patronizing.

Dr. Vaknin, is there any way for an adolescent who shows lack of empathy, narcissism, ADD, to be healed? Mitigated to become healthy and more well-adjusted? If the brain is plastic, can he relearn these traits? If so, how would one go about treating such a child?

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

It is bad practice to diagnose NPD in an adolescent. It is even more egregious to pathologize a teen when you are not trained and qualified to do so.

@heathery6825

3 жыл бұрын

Sam Vaknin I am not a therapist, but his mother who was married to a narcissist for 28 years and divorced him 2 years ago. My son has been diagnosed with Aspergers. He has just begun college and wants to become a psychiatrist. He is recently diagnosing himself with dissociative disorder and thinks he has multiple personalities. I listened to your video on the connection between narcissism and dissociative disorder. He is seeing a therapist with a masters in social work degree and a psychiatrist for anti anxiety and depression meds in addition to transforming himself into a girl and taking hormone pills. All this occurred in the past two years during which time he rejected me, I believe because his father alienated him from me. Three weeks ago he reached out to me, so we are talking again. I was just wondering if there was anything I could pass along to his therapist, a direction I could give to help him. That’s all. Thanks very much for responding. I’m very grateful. I’m a big fan of yours and have recommended you to many people.

@rickb06

4 ай бұрын

​@@heathery6825 Your story sounds a lot like mine, my daughter, she did many of the things you described, she played the whole "I'm a boy" phase, but fortunately it passed. She is still behaving horribly, but has slightly improved. At least we aren't running to the ER for 18 hours every week to be told "she's fine, she's attention seeking and stop coming here" Everytime. It's so demoralizing and infuriating.

@BaiMengLing

Ай бұрын

@@rickb06Are you a narcisist? yound sound like you lack empathy for your daughter, or maybe you are just an NT who has no fucking clue how to avoid traumatising your autistic child. I suggest you read asap Jaime A. Heidel - The Articulate Autistic .

Jesus Christ the way you explained the first 6 minutes of ADHD.... IM creating it in my daughter!! She doesn't "have" it! I'm giving it to her because I would literally rather be preoccupied then to deal with her a lot of the time.. mostly because she is so high energy (she's a double Leo too) So she does dance a lot and sing and him and do cartwheels and look at me and come see this... I don't think I'm a bad mom.. But obviously I could be better. You guys, I was putting headphones on her and having her listen to brainwaves and sounds for ADHD to rewire her brain and having her listen to guided sleep meditation for kids at night And she's not even crazy.. just a kid.. and I'm just a mom who developed borderline and can't really cope with it like she needs Thank you for this, is there any reversing the affects??

@Mopsie

6 ай бұрын

Show interest in her, talk to her about her hobbies and listen, don’t judge. You will see she calms down.

well yes..the only two people I met who have some severe form of adhd were also diagnosed with autism and clearly show narcissistic traits and behaviors ..not only a lack of empathy and self-centeredness but also grandiose ideas such as believing they were already spiritually enlightened or the reincarnation of Jesus or believing that only they see things clearly, exactly the way things are and others were just naive and dreamy hippies. Because they were not directly diagnosed with npd I looked up what the differences were between autism and narcissism and if one excludes the other or if both diagnoses could coexist..and yes it seems that they cannot only coexist but actually belong together - at least in there two cases. So Mr. Vaknin you answered my question, thank you.

Well, this is funny, I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, ODD as a teenager and, as a grow into adulthood I find myself combatting tendencies to focus on myself and not think of others enough, atleast this time I am making adjustments by myself before it becomes so bad that I need a therapist. We need strong mamas, that's for sure.

I feel really awful ,but I am astounded by you , I had a bad marriage ,my son witnessed a lot ,I as a mother only found out about narcicissm 5 years ago ,now I look back all I was trying to do was work on the marriage ,my sons emotional needs were not met ,the father after years I found to be narcicisst, I got divorced , my son was labelled in school hyperactive ,nuisance ,from nursery ,I took him everywhere GPS, specialist ,it was me to protective ,he come after 10 year gap ,he was idolised , trouble in school misbehaviour ,inclusion ,I just thought defiant ,naughty child ,so at home there were consequences for his behaviour too ,all negative ,I was alone ,his father was not interested , then at 15 years he got diagnosed with adhd ,started self medicating ,1 drug then another ,got worse ,I was going through divorce ,the father was punishing me ,by having no contact with him ,it was heartbreaking ,now 22 his life is torment ,he's addict trying to get clean ,the drugs have caused me lots of mix feelings ,love ,hate,pity towards him ,as he's been violent to me ,stole from family ,the behaviours ,its all been to much for me alone ,I've been at breaking point many times ,no support ,mental health ,drug help not good ,I've wanted to take my own life ,lots of family issues ,always I really thought I was a good mum done my best ,but I am really heartbroken over this ,I have had to ,demand phsycological therapy ,made to wait ,deal with it ,get it done ,he's finally got it ,but I don't know now I've come across your post ,and am sickened and upset by this ,his father is cold unemotional no support ,who himself has ,had issues but dealt with them his way ,my boy can't function 😢 What can I do

I am a narc

Sounds like me 👍

What if I don't have many memories of my childhood, how do I know?

@AdriWiid

Жыл бұрын

I have the same problem

@rickb06

4 ай бұрын

​@@AdriWiidme too.

I have Autism and adhd

The narcs i have in my life do have short attention spans. I just assumed they were being a.holes and self absorbed.

ADHD shows differently between boys and girls. Does gender play a factor with the link with narcissism?

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

Narcissism is no longer a gender-favoring phenomenon: there are as many female narcissists as male ones.

I have a lot of NPD traits though I don't have a formal diagnosis.Apart from addiction that ate half my brain I have epilepsy and allmost every symptom of ADHD no diagnodis there eitger. No social life,not even much work ecperience because of my narcissism and social anxiety. But if there is one thing from NPD that doesn't apply to me it's the lack of empathy. Quite the contrary. When I was a kid I was extreemly ashamed of having a lot of empathy. Always pretending I have none. Is there a possibility for an NPD or ADHD person to actually be highly empathetic. It's only since my late 20s that I started actually not having empathy. I'm now 31.

@samvaknin

20 күн бұрын

No empathy in NPD.

@Lifewaster92

20 күн бұрын

​@@samvaknin Is it possible that I confused my guilt and irrational fear of punnishmemt caused by extreeme lack of self confidence with actual empathy?

Oh I thought it was my fault that my kids as babies never lied to my mother and just cried and push her away I felt so guilty and thought I did something wrong they could feel her oh my gosh I remember her being invisible I would scream and beg her to care and I was invisible I think she might’ve tried to kill me once at my fathers funeral she gave me 17 Ativan. Was she trying to kill me? Is empathy when you hear a bad story about a person and it’s you for a moment or dud regulated borderline stuff? By the way the stellate ganglion block is amazing for the recoil a fact I still have it in my 40s Can you answer your question even if I hate someone and hope they die right there on the spot I won’t do anything illegal or mean if I can help it because I don’t wanna go to jail. That’s it I never understood it till just now and I’m sad

If it was the “heart attack” I was 100% sure it was fake because how weird rashel was being with the plans to go to the fair so I assumed y’all jus wanted me to stay home and or check where my head was at with my moms health scare and normally I’d play along but I no we really needed that date night also I like how u had the black dude filming the crowd so y’all could dissect it later I wouldn’t have thought to do that

Can a child mentalize normally and then shut off when teenage years begin? I ask this as my 14 year old daughter was a kind,empathetic, and loving girl but a few years ago she has virtually shut down... My whole family is affected and all children were diagnosed with ADHD in early childhood. Upon teen onset and latter teen years Bi-polar Disorder and Schizo-affective Disorder was also diagnosed in 3 of 4 children. Their father has bi-polar disorder and I'm quite sure has a personality disorder.

@samvaknin

3 жыл бұрын

Yes. But it would indicate a genetic origin (providing that she had not been traumatized).

@angelaswan7614

3 жыл бұрын

@@samvaknin thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate you.

I drive a school bus boy are we in for it with K-4