I made it 13 minutes and 19 seconds into your video. I'm past caring about my mother's trauma in her life and what might of led up to her being a complete covert narcissist. I hope your video helps those that still can have a relationship with their mothers. But dear ones who are reading my comment, if your mother sees you as narcissistic supply and feels glee each and every time she has hurt you, manipulated the people in your life to your detriment, then your mother really is too harmful to you to spend your time in angst trying to understand her behavior. I was in that mode several years ago and it was the most stressing time for me. My freedom came when I woke up and realized that I had to break that very toxic, unloving, deceiving, unhealthy connection to my mother. Her intentions in my life were never good. Her intentions were to destroy me in every way possible. The moment that I severed that unhealthy connection is the moment that I could start the very long road to finding myself. God bless those that find help here. My focus is on healing and even though I understand that my mother is damaged and immature emotionally, I have no desire to understand her thinking, motivations, her damaged heart. I understand that she's damaged but to make her life's mission to damage me and control my life in every way possible is unforgiveable. I spend as little time as possible contemplating all the vile things that she has done. I have only written this comment to help those that may be where I was several years ago. If you're in complete disarray trying to figure out your mother and all her antics, you may be the narcissistic supply that is driving her life. Consider freeing yourself from that dynamic. God bless.

@kimmathe6701

2 ай бұрын

Thank you. I am 62 I'm the oldest of 5 & devoted my entire life to seeking the love and approval of both parents... Through there addictions and emotional abuse they have created so much emotional distress and trauma. I have always forgiven her for her lies and slander and destroying my bonding with my siblings. The focus now is totally on myself to heal. I have chronic pain , fibromyalgia and a rare form of crippling arthritis. This video explains a lot about why the narcist is hurting and reasons why they abuse because they are hurting and have trauma history and they are unhealed. This doesn't take away from the damage they do to the scapegoat, target or victim. Yes, this is there shit and most project there resentment onto the scapegoat and they use there children in Soo many ways to get there needs met. My siblings and myself suffer greatly with mental health issues and physical health issues , addictions, low self worth , coedependency etc. As a child of a Narcistic mother it's affected every area of my life. Physically, emotionally , spiritually etc. I'm tired of meeting all her needs when she never met mine or my siblings. She had no love As survivors we have done nothing wrong we deserved love and respect and guidance.... Not envy , jealousy, rage, hatred , abuse etc etc.She knew exactly what she was doing .... The abuse was always to serve her needs and tear down her children s self worth and not knowing who to trust and having to parent yourself and learning healthy boundaries, and learning to love myself and respect myself and grieve over the loss of not having a loving mother or parents. The triangulation, hatred , gossip, lies , jealousy , her trauma should never ever be directed towards her children. I'm done with her!! No child should be treated abusively. It leaves scars and a lifetime of the victim having to heal. Thank God for my therapist. She's helped me see the truth and I'm still coming out of denial to accept that my mother hated me. And to be happy with my own life .... Without her .For she was never there for me.

@sarahsmile8518

2 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing your story! I spent MANY years in therapy just trying to deal with the damage my mother did to try to undo me! Finally, she died, and I still have nightmares that seem so real, like her ghost is still haunting me! I have become much stronger just having to grow up with a mother like her! I hope you the best!❤

@wilblissful

2 ай бұрын

Amen. That around age 12 you gain awareness. They know what is right and wrong.

@Mysasser1

2 ай бұрын

We are literally living the same life!😢😮

@desiderata333

2 ай бұрын

I love you. Thank you so much for your post. I agree with you and this is where I am also. I spent 56 years trying to figure hey covert narcissist mother put and to have compassion, pure love and understanding for her and in 2020, I learned she had betrayed me in the most evil ways and I can't and will not have relationship with her now. I wish you abundant healing, love and happiness.

MORE empathy after years of giving while being abused? No. Stop saying that to ppl. If you’re going to give a reason why we should understand this, and if that reason is going to be based around empathy, then it should be that we need to understand why our mothers are like this so that we can have empathy for OURSELVES (not her) and create better boundaries. They don’t deserve any more empathy than we’ve already given, and nobody is a sacrificial lamb for the altar of their wounded ego. They’ve had more than enough time to fix things. Why should we have to carry the burden of their lack of self-awareness and abuse, all in the name of empathy? That’s toxic. I wish more therapist understood the absolute devastation that these people caused in our lives and would stop asking us to consider their feelings when we just need information to be able to heal properly, not be made to feel like somehow we need to step up more than we already have. To those reading this comment just know that not everything is or needs to be forgivable. That doesn’t make you bitter. That makes you wise. And the best empathy you can give is empathy for yourself. Don’t let the professionals gaslight you simply because they try to be the both sides type of people. You don’t need to be both sides when you’re the one facing the abuse. protect yourself. And work to create boundaries based in your absolute deep and lovely worth and value.

@marcamp5450

24 күн бұрын

Excellent response and complete truth. Empathy for oneself and compassion for the inner child is the way to health and freedom. ❤

@TerraAnn44

20 күн бұрын

I love this comment. I wont play victim because I became very toxic myself but I chose to heal. My mother refuses to even admit she's is an issue.

@bronwyntanner4501

14 күн бұрын

I don't care what my mother went through as a child. She put me through hell. Years of therapy and now no contact. She enjoyed all that hurt that she put me through.

You are sooo accurate!!!! It took me many years, a lot of trauma , loss of self-worth, and trying to make sense of myself before I understood what she was. I had to unlearn many things to heal. I cannot have a relationship with her anymore.

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Sorry to hear this and thanks for sharing your story.

I'm soooo fed up with taking perspective of my mother, haven't done anything else all my life. Vast majority of the criminals have had a traumatic life, but they are judged and punished anyway. A victim needs clarity to tidy up the mess in her/his head.

@willbrichsoon

Ай бұрын

My thoughts exactly

@mysterydiaz5302

5 күн бұрын

Yessss!!! Victim needs clarity!!! without clarity. We can't name what happened to us and we can't heal. Clarity is the key.

My mom is pretty high in narcissistic traits, and is particularly good at gaslighting and triangulation. Until just recently no one talked about her behavior because it would lead to attacking within the family. Finally someone confirmed what I’ve been seeing my entire life and I broke down because I finally felt like I wasn’t crazy.

@AntiMasonic93

2 ай бұрын

Yeah, my mother is the same way. My mother gaslights and tries to control me all the time. I try to limit my conversation with her.

@TerraAnn44

20 күн бұрын

🙏❤

Although I value the compassionate route here. This is too close to narcissistic sympathizing that keeps victims in abusive environments. Boundaries have to be rigid with narcissistic parents, you can't be wishy washy or sensitive to their needs because of their traumatic past. This is not safe advice for many narcissistic victims.

@agnieszkazurek2253

3 ай бұрын

Exactly! And it feeds the illusion of having a good relationship with a narcissist.

@Mysasser1

2 ай бұрын

Did you watch the whole video...

@RED_RUBY_DA_SLEEZE

16 күн бұрын

😒😊👁👁 THANKS EVERYONE... I ALMOST WATCHED THIS. I AM A VICTIM OF ABUSE. FIXING HER CHILDHOOD TRAUMA IS HER RESPONSIBILITY. JUST LIKE I MUST HELP MYSELF & MY YOUNG ADULT SON WHO EXPERIENCED HER TO & TRIANGULATED HIM. SHE JUST COSIGNED A NEW CAR FOR HIM 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ I GOT NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE ANYONE BUT MY SON 💔🤷🏾‍♀️ GOOD LUCK TO THE VICTIMS 💯

@user-ey6xd4bw5p

7 күн бұрын

💯💯💯💯

I think you should frame this as "If you're going to deal with a Narcissist this is what to do" because otherwise it feels like you've made a 1 hour video on excusing their behavior to some people as you can see in the comments to the point where "it's not their fault" like they have no choice in the matter when they do. They know right from wrong and are able to choose not to go to therapy. It is also important for victims of Narcissists to be able to give a name to their problem and in-fact empowers people to seek recovery. It wasn't until I knew who my Mom was that I was able to start healing. I also think it's good Narcissism is a buzz word because we are in an epidemic of it seen through research (See: Prof. Sam Vaknin) and I can think of no time before now where Psychology was being taken seriously by the masses and to stop it would only reverse progress.

After 19 years of not seeing each other I exchanged a few msgs with my mother last few days and gosh! The rage and pain resurfaced and its been horrendous...

@FreeWorld288

27 күн бұрын

I am sorry. You might think after so much time something has changed. What a deception 😢. Same here after 2 years.

@Tutume1111

26 күн бұрын

@FreeWorld288 thank you! I think the only time it won't affect us is when we fully accept what has happened and be at peace with that.Dont worry if that feeling never comes thou as some things are really difficult to heal from

@RLifestyle453

9 күн бұрын

I haven't been to visit my mother in person I think last time was seven years ago when I tried that time and one or two times before that, tried a few times to let my sons meet or know their grandparents ...there are always large gaps of time in between trying this time more than ever and each time w it taking a lot, boatloads of courage. So I came back to visit, to stay for some weeks or a few months as I work online so can work from anywhere...she's now 81. And we were just about doing ok for around 5 weeks in...when one day I had received the volcanic eruption, the vitriol the venom the attack the launch at the jugular...and since then I've simply been paralyzed in fear. The trigger so scary and terrifying the panic inducing that it makes you beg to God, why do I have this such curse in my family? The control she so needs to yield that age over 50 monitoring what I eat, what I wear, how I spend my money....and the punishment every single time if I don't comply with how she sees fit is simply unreal. Everyone may have pain and suffering somewhere in their lives, and this is my version. The loops and patterns just don't stop!!! It's a set loop and set pattern that repeats and repeats and repeats...a literal hell on earth.

@mysterydiaz5302

5 күн бұрын

@@Tutume1111 I finally accepted what happened. But now I struggle with anger with myself for not being able to see it and deal with it sooner I know that's not really exactly logical or helpful but🤷‍♀️ I believe scapegoat that's what I was sort of trained to do

This is such a dark hole of healing w narc moms. Never any closer. Not many childhood memories............. Emotional neglect and sabotage at every big life turn.😢

That’s great for her. What about how she ruined our lives?

@AzzahraAlivya

4 ай бұрын

exactly. this is what we came for.

@Jannietime1

2 ай бұрын

We have to work through all the feelings (anger, rage, resentment) that come up as they arise and they will keep coming until you reach the deep hurt inside and release that. That will make you free.

@msmanager2775

2 ай бұрын

Do people feel better when their Narc mother died? Cos I feel like that’s the only thing that’ll heal me ? I can’t excuse her behaviour because she treats me different to my brother . She knows what she’s doing .

@Mysasser1

2 ай бұрын

​@@msmanager2775fun fact: your brother is a pawn in her game and doesn't know it. You will be able to see it when you step away. She will turn on him and they both will seek you out. They need you and they know you don't need them. It's wild!

@msmanager2775

2 ай бұрын

@@Mysasser1 wow, amazes me how you know the dynamics in my family without even knowing the details! You’re so on the money , when i had very less contact with them ( read: when I stopped caring), my mother turned on him and especially on his wife. She would talk about his wife to me and their newly married tiffs and would say don’t tell your brother that I told you. I told my brother this once that we would’ve had a different relationship had it not been the selfishness of our mother. But I’m Not sure what he thinks as he is the same entitled so and so. But you’re too right , I don’t need them and never have all these years.

I am not here to learn about her- she made me feel guilty all my life because her pain? Adults like my mother who had brains, money, opportunities, a loving enabler mother who did everything for her and cover and took care of any problem allowed my mother to stay an entitled teenager for the rest of her life and we, her five children had to take care of her shame and inadequacies for ever. Why we have to carry her pain, and insecurities? I am here to learn new tools to break the cycle, so the next generation in the family is free. …by the way, your CEO whatever made me uncomfortable, I could feel a narcissistic therapist giving advice…😢 really?

@eduardvonheizenstein3969

Ай бұрын

her CEO what?

@mysterydiaz5302

5 күн бұрын

Yes, would like clarification to understand that​@@eduardvonheizenstein3969

Sometimes I feel like I can only be truly happy if she’s happy. Me being happy on my own, with my own achievements, doesn’t seem to make her happy. She’ll be a little flat and refocus attention back to her and her woes.

This touched my heart which I badly needed. I was frozen in there. Thanks for triggering that pain to come up for me to feel. Feeling is healing. I've been an expert blocker of reality. I've been attending online meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families so I was open and ready to receive the truth. Thank you!

Everyone has the option to change and work through their crap and be better or at least try-I did. My mother over 80 and still dishes out the snarky criticism, lies, triangulation with other family members etc.

@mysterydiaz5302

5 күн бұрын

I think they don't change. I think they actually get worse.

It’s crazy how this is so spot on! Every single talking point described my mother to a tee. The low self esteem, the manipulation, the low emotional intelligence, the emotional immaturity, the seeking validation through going out of her way for people and resenting them later (including me, everything she does for me she throws in my face later), the constant negative talk about everyone and everything non-stop, the competing with other women and people in general..whew! When I tell you having a narcissistic mother is NO JOKE, it’s no joke. I won’t say my mother is 100% bad, but she’s a very difficult person to deal with, and my biggest fear is having kids of my own one day, and making them feel even a quarter of the negative ways she’s made me feel over the years. I really pray against this.

@steventaylor3988

5 күн бұрын

Oh my gosh! I feel the same... I haven't had children for same or similar reasons. And even though I'm 45! I'm still questioning myself 😢

This video has got to be the most helpful video here on KZread. You discussed everything so accurately, for example wehre you mention one minute they're fine, you think they're normal the next minute yelling, screaming, cursing and you're left wondering what just happened. Over what??Thanks for making this

@dr.beckyspelman

2 ай бұрын

Thanks so much, I’m so glad you found the video helpful, I wasn’t sure if an hour video would be too long to put out but so glad people are finding it useful.

@BlueSky78683

2 ай бұрын

@@dr.beckyspelman not at all. It was well worth listening to it. I am thankful that with every case you explained the cause and effect and how to handle it. It made A LOT of sense. The question i am left with is now what 🙃… how do i handle the situation. Etc. draw a boundry and literally leave the house/area to avoid conflict. Bc staying indoors doesnt help. And i am a GROWN adult. Just now learning about this

@Mysasser1

2 ай бұрын

​@@dr.beckyspelmanno, really thank you so much 🙏 ❤️

I can't express how much I resonate with the content of this video ! I've researched and watched many resources on "diificult" mother-daughter relationships, Your accuracy and expertize are unmatched !! I appreciate the nuanced examples and detailed explanations of behaviors, it helped me relate on a deeper level. For years, I've been on a quest to find effective strategies and approaches to navigate the relationship with my mother. Finding a sense of balance between self-preservation and my feelings of responsibility and guilt has been a constant struggle. This video gave me insights what I do wrong, what I should continue doing.Thank you for sharing such invaluable content ❤

@dr.beckyspelman

3 ай бұрын

I’m so glad you found the video useful.

Many abusive husband's have also had traumatic childhoods. There's is no excuse for abusing others.

Queen Bee Syndrome. Everything runs smoothly if she is the center of attention but as soon as anything enters her sphere that diverts attention from her, she starts to act immaturely to redirect the focus on her. This will include unimaginable cruelty to her spouse including excluding him from everything including family meals, special occasions and even being permitted to be in the same room with her and the rest of the family. She lacks humor and any ability to self-examine. She lies constantly to support her gaslighting. Anyone who challenges her is attacked and the people who are fearfully compliant are used as objects of triangulation against the person who challenges her. She often says out loud that as the woman of the house she is the most important member of the family and should be treated with unquestioned respect and care regardless of how irrational her demands. Her spouse has repelled increasingly over the years of verbal, physical, psychological and financial abuse and neglect. She is getting worse with age and she has become an alcoholic.

It can be helpful to understand how she became like that... but most important is to keep your distance to family members who harm you, and deeply understand that you are allowed to protect yourself and withdraw from hurting/ abusive/ neglectful relationships. Whatever caused their condition... they are as much responsible for dealing with it as you and everyone is!!! Some of these people just think they are intitled to do whatever they want and then blame what was done to them aka someone else for their harmful behaviour. Thats not an excuse. If they refuse to work on themselves (therapy....) it proves even more the narcissism. Run and safe yourself and dont wait for understanding or closure.

@mysterydiaz5302

5 күн бұрын

They have small minds and small hearts. And maybe they're not even human.

My narcissistic mother emotionally abused me all my life. I have been no contact with her for 11 years. I don't care what she went through as a child. She enjoyed every single moment of my hurt and pain. I grew up in a toxic environment. I am kind and caring and loving and compassionate. She is none of those. I don't care what she went through. She was cruel and unkind - deliberately. No contact is the only way for me

@mysterydiaz5302

5 күн бұрын

So similar here...

I'm only 19 minutes in and you are exactly describing my mom

@dr.beckyspelman

Ай бұрын

I’m glad I managed to get the video accurate. Thanks for watching the video, I know it’s a long one.

I'm autistic This is extremely eye-opening. I had no idea. I've been being gaslighted my entire life

I'm 21, and I've finally decided to move out and rent because my mum's the sorce of the majority of my mental anguish. It has taken a long time to see her for who she is. I'm going to begin my own journey soon, and I'm terrified and feel guilty. I love my mum, but I now need to do what is right for me, I'm lucky to have an experienced friend to help guide me through this.

@Mysasser1

2 ай бұрын

Good! Don't look back. See will be fine.

I appreciate your compassionate approach to this topic

Its a very unfortunate curse in a family to have. It's a very great loss in life. It caused a great deal of fear and great impact on me in general.

@mysterydiaz5302

5 күн бұрын

Well said ! It is a curse!!!. Emotional needs never met. She is vacant. She still cry's over the death of her mother and father. She acted close to her sisters but talked shit about them. Actually she complained about every one. Her friends and relatives.

Thank you so much. I've never come across a video which is that accurate. You're describing my mom. And I can understand her much better now and feel compassion. Though it seems to be to late for us. We had a huge fight. And i am mentally done with all of this. I have to take care of my daughter. I don't feel like being able to be envolved in that unhealthy relationship anymore. I cannot even contact my grandma. I'm exhausted. So much harm was done to my mental health.

@dr.beckyspelman

27 күн бұрын

Sorry to hear this. I’m glad my video was relevant. It’s a tough situation.,

This was amazing and so insightful! Thank you. Although, it's a very complicated subject if it comes to close relatives, especially your mother. .. Thank you for explaining this not only from victim perspective

If I had this information while she was still alive...I have confronted her...no longer afraid of her. I finally understand why my brilliant sister became an addict and alcoholic and killed herself at 55. I on the other hand had no boundaries no self esteem no family no children. Observing her over my life proved to me to NEVER become a mother. I am 71 now. She died at 95. I was her full-time caretaker the last 5 years of her life. As she aged she became MEANER in private and SWEETER in public. She was manipulative, a consumate liar, emotionally abusive yet people LOVED her. No one believed me as we looked like the PERFECT family in public. She made sure of that. Yes she was the daughter of a Russian immigrant and grew up in the depression. But I do not care. I struggle everyday with unresolved anger. But the silver lining is I am the complete opposite of her althoug I look just like her. I am kind, generous, empathetic, compassionate and loving. I have no living family. Our God is my joy and salvation and my love is rescuing dogs. As the saying goes..." too soon dumb too late smart". Thank you for this video. I wish it had existed 50 years ago. Peace to all us survivors.😢

I just love your perspective on this subject i can totally relate to every scenario you are talking about great job lad always appreciate your kind and thoughtful wisdom keep up the great work you are helping so many people to heal 👍

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Thank you, I’m glad you liked the video.

@nickthompson9485

6 ай бұрын

@dr.beckyspelman what college did you study at you are a very intelligent and interesting person I like your style and vibe you are so nice and kind it's rare to meet someone like you for real

@nickthompson9485

6 ай бұрын

How long have you lived in London for now 🤔 what cities do you like to visit when you visit the US have you ever been to the west coast where are you from originally

Excellent video thank u for making it

I can’t stand to be around my mother. I feel guilty and try to think of her as a person who happened to give me birth. It doesn’t seem rational the extent that she disturbs me. She is not verbally abusive but so self absorbed and always bringing attention to herself, attention she manufactures.

@Hitmewithit

2 ай бұрын

Yes yes yes this exactly. Ditto

Omg thank you for this. ❤❤❤

I just want to say thank you! You were clear and to the point... You gave pure knowledge! Now I understend so much better my mother.. Universe blessed you!✨

@dr.beckyspelman

4 ай бұрын

Thanks so much, I’m glad you found the video useful.

I’m living my life and see her from time to time. I face time here once or twice a week and she talks about herself the whole time. If she asks me about me and my family she goes back to her world.

really really good. I wish you the best of luck with your practice and online activities. Excellent and with a kindness.

@dr.beckyspelman

5 ай бұрын

Oh thank you, that’s very nice of you to say.

Awesome talk.

yea...never buy anyone who seems to try to take accountability away from the individual. Plenty of people come from bad childhoods and still are able to have empathy. The Narcist I used to have to deal with, besides being adopted into a good family, had no issues growing up. When older, she ended up having two failed marriages that were both self-inflicted pains where she stuck with the guy as long as possible. The way she treated her kids, especially her daughter was 100% on her, not her past and her lousy choices in who she married.

I'm just going to send my mom this video.

@mysterydiaz5302

5 күн бұрын

My guess ... She won't " get it". Good chance it will backfire on you

Once she ruins your life she takes her mask off and smiles. Then you realize you were tricked, abused, used, and manipulated your whole life into thinking you didn't deserve to be treated better by anyone. Narc mothers belong in hell as far as im concerned

@RLifestyle453

9 күн бұрын

They belong in hell Bcos they are obviously a representative for Shaytan Bcos this is not Godly in any way shape form

Please do many many more about narcissist moms!!!!!!!!!! Please ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Thank you. This was 👏

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Thanks so much, really appreciate you watching it. Wasn’t sure how my audience would respond to such a long video 😊🙏

My mother is a narc lol 😆 join the club 🤣

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Sorry to hear this

@nickthompson9485

6 ай бұрын

@dr.beckyspelman thank you Becky my mother is also showing early signs of dementia which combined with narcissist traits makes her a real doozy you should do a topic for a video on mothers 👩 with dementia it's a terrible problem to have as I am an only child and have no one else to help me with her

@chocolatesugar4434

3 ай бұрын

@@nickthompson9485I hope you’re looking after yourself ❤

@nickthompson9485

3 ай бұрын

Thank you chocolate 🍫 sugar I appreciate you my mom has dementia as well so I'm just living the dream lol

@Hitmewithit

2 ай бұрын

I also am wellbeing if that is what is going on with my mother since she’s been worse in her older years. I would love a video on this!

Painful and so accurate.

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Thank you, i’m glad my video resonated but I’m sorry that’s the case, thanks for watching.

So could u make a video on what tp do if ur mom is narc and u have multiple sclerosis and need care as an adult who is sick

Great video, this is 100% my mother.

I have narcissistic parents. A mother and grandmother Never was allowed to do anything that I wanted to do. I'm thirty two years old still living in that hell.

Hi Doctor Spelman! Very interesting topic! Thank you very much!

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Thanks out of interest did you watch the whole video or just some of it?

@nicolas_-_-_

6 ай бұрын

I'm still watching it 🙂

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

@@nicolas_-_-_ thank you so much. That means so much to me that you watch my content 😊🙏

@nicolas_-_-_

6 ай бұрын

My goal is to watch the whole video 🙂

@nicolas_-_-_

6 ай бұрын

Talking about this topic is a very good idea. Thanks again!

Very helpful

My Mother makes Mommy dearest look like Mrs. Brady! She was so incredibly cruel to me growing up. She had fits of rage and told me almost every day she should have aborted me like " they " told her. She would say it should have been you who died not your sister! My Grandparents moved in with us and had to raise me. I'm forever grateful they had. They were wonderful. Nevertheless, my Mother remarried, and had two sons with my step Father. He was abusive physically to me. I ended up leaving home at 15 and got married at 16. I'm still married 30 years later to my husband. But my God the baggage I had coming into my marriage. My Mother is now aging. I have had to put her in a Nursing home. I go up there everyday, I launder her clothes, make sure she has her snacks and her room is decorated nicely and clean. She is still self centered and criticizing. She still looks at me with contempt and disgust. But I have forgiven her. I have established my boundaries. I limit my time with her. If it wasn't for my Faith I don't think I would be able to continue to see her. But I know she had to have gone through something that made her this way. I don't believe we are born bad, bc we are made in God's image. I think our environment, circumstances, poverty, not being educated and abuse all contribute to who we become. We grew up poor. But just bc she had those things happen to her didn't give her the right to continue the abuse with me and my brothers. I stopped the cycle of abuse with me. I have a wonderful son who is married and I have my first grandchild now. I'm going to live my life taking care of my family as I always have. See, I have had to work on my trauma so I could learn to heal so I didn't bleed on those who didn't hurt me! I hope anyone who is going through this finds peace in Jesus bc he helped me so much, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy and support from friends and family. 🙏🏼❤️

I have no relationship with my mother. I totally agree with the comment that I'm following after. She has been vicious towards me all my life and finally during our final conversation ever she went into a rage and told me to die screaming she told me this over and over die die die you piece of s***! Drug addicts need to die! Now mind you I've been sober and clean for decades and have worked very hard to have my sobriety and my peace and I didn't know until that last conversation that she really meant it. She wanted me dead and gone and she always has. I get it now. I am gone from her forever and ever and I do not feel any remorse. It is where my life began and my recovery truly started. I don't miss her I don't care about her and I don't give a s*** what happens anymore with her. She can put me down all she wants. I don't care. I tried to prove to her and show her that I was a good girl one worth knowing and appreciating and loving and she wouldn't have any part of it ever. So I am gone and my life is brand new. I surround myself with people who love me and care about me and want me to be happy and well. I don't try to chase down people anymore and make them see how good I can be for them. The second I am dist by anybody I am gone permanently from any future that might have been a possibility in my sites. I can truly say that I am happy with myself and who I am and who have been trying to prove all my life to the wrong people.

When you went into enmeshment. Wow. The penny really dropped there for me.

Great topic ! Actually I’m struggling with my Mam at the moment (tho she wouldn’t realise this). Could you do a topic on Mother jealous of daughter ? Thank you for everything - I love your channel. 🇮🇪💕

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Hi Irish fairy, I always remember you because you are also Irish. Thanks for watching again yes actually I spoke more about this in more detail on this video and then I edited it out in order to make the video more balanced for males. I might be able to release the clips that got edited out as a short video so you can see my extended thoughts on this. I’m sorry that you are struggling with your mother and it’s sad that she doesn’t realise, sending positive wishes in your direction.

@theirishfairy6281

6 ай бұрын

@@dr.beckyspelman That would be fantastic. I’d be so interested to know your extended thoughts on that subject! I started watching your channel early on and subscribed because you are Irish, however - I stayed for the content and insight you provide . Particularly how you take very complex topics and make them easily understood. Again Thank you. Appreciate what you do. 🇮🇪✨💕

That couch 🛋 you are on looks so comfortable i bet it is very cozy to take an afternoon nap on those pillows look devine as well you sure have great taste in your decor

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Haha thank you it is a very cozy sofa.

@nickthompson9485

6 ай бұрын

That couch 🛋 of yours is the perfect resting spot for a good 20 minute power nap atleast 😴 lol I always feel guilty taking naps but a good nap really does do the trick to recharge the batteries sometimes doesn't it 😴 take care becky

Does it occur in people who have had smoke blown up the preverbal during their childhood as well? My mother was much younger only girl in the family.

My NM is a covert narc. She was a great actress. She was attractive and for her everything was about looks....the kids, the house and where she went and with who. She repelled honest and genuine people... like my father and his family....and me. She walks around in a human body, but there's no humanity in her. I see it both through my angry eyes and for how pathetic it actually is for her. But I suppose as a sub human she cant even understand what real loving care and kindness is.

What do I say to someone like this? I need help with my mom’s issues and don’t have insurance to get the help I need.

this is really a bit skewed as people with disordered personalities who don't own their stuff are very toxic and malignant on a scale of who knows what. It helps to have some understanding, for sure, but the problem is people stay in these situations and relationships to their own detriment. it's like living in a house with mold without remediation. it will affect your health and life in every way

I wondwr if Adhd and Autism can mimic any issues with mood regualtion, distractions, not respecting privacy or acting odd?

I once tried to insist that my evil narcissistic mother apologise for her cruelty towards me. She told me to stick my apology where the sun don’t shine.

Having a difficult time with my own mother at the moment and then this just pops up. I don’t think she is a narcissist? But there is some issues regarding loss of my sister or her daughter in the family.

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Sorry to hear this, yes she’s probably not a narcissist as most people don’t fill the full criteria for narcissistic personally disorder (NPD), and we all have narcissistic traits, they are just higher in some people that others. Thanks for commenting on my video.

@Intenseabstractions

6 ай бұрын

@@dr.beckyspelman you seem like a nice lady. I can’t quite work you out though. I have been trying but still mystery about you

So could u make a video on what tp do if ur mom is narc and u have multiple sclerosis

Note: A psychologist instructed by a solicitor under The Childrens Act to undertake a psychological assessment on a mother, will rarely diagnose the mother as a narcissist, regardless if she has scored high in the assessment. Narcissism is in a Family Court setting, really only reserved to the father, regardless if he has scored under the required threshold for a personality disorder.

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

That’s probably true, but psychologists should be very careful before diagnosing anyone with NPD

@user-oj3vb6ce8s

4 ай бұрын

Not accurate. My ex has high narcissistic traits. These were evidenced through proceedings. Whilst therapy was ordered, the issue of diagnosis was avoided.

I wish people would really consider what it means to have children

I only learned that I don't want to be her

My mom is pretty narcissistic. Only in her eyes i am the worst child in the world, her words are really really hurtful towards me. She says stuff that i cant even tell you. There was a period in my life where i was self harming alot because of her, and my dad. My dad is now so much better at helping me cope with my emotions but my mother does not really care. My mom struggles to respond with good emotion and a good tone, its always screaming and i end up crying. Everytime i try to do something nice to her, and i end up doing one wrong thing, i am such a brat, a bitch, a bad kid and etc etc.. She completely ignores my feelings and does not care of i think anything. One point in my life my parents were about to separate and i did everything in my will for that not to happen. The problem happened because my mom made a very big mistake. Im really tired of her, she says that she’s always right, but she really isnt. She doesnt let you talk when youre arguing and by that she doesnt hear ur side of the story and basically she is right. Ive been through so much shit you can never imagine, and im only turning 13 in september. I do everything she says, everything she wants me to do , and everyone tells me to cut contact but i cant do that because im still young. Can someone tell he how to deal with this?

this whole video is invalidating to the children of these mothers-

@mrsfrog2720

2 ай бұрын

How so?

@jahpuggie5

2 ай бұрын

@@mrsfrog2720 read my other post below this one-

She doesn't call to ask how is your day? No...pick me up my "3rd pack of cigarettes"

Thanks, great video. Info and examples. You mention therapy but I ask where? Now that all therapist create a permanant digital file based on their human professional opinion with bias and unawareness that diagnosis can prevent and harm jobs. In applications now mental health questionaires. This is why I would never go to a therapist even though I would like too over this issue.

What about having a narcissistic daughter?

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Thanks for your comment. It comes from their trauma.

“Be careful not to call a narcissist a narcissist”???????? STOP before you further harm people. Are you defending them or are you one cuz that sounds insane.

I'm still confused

@dr.beckyspelman

3 ай бұрын

Really? How so?

Wow you are like an angel, such a beautiful radiant one

Im still the target and obsession of her life..every second 😢

Hi 🙋‍♂️

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Hi 👋

You can asign a label. So they know

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

😬

I made it 13" second " "🥈

Proverbs 31:10 (NKJV) Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.

My mom is Helene her name should be "Karen".

it seems your video is more about providing excuses for narcissists.....

She throws cigarette butts in the koi pond( seriously)?

Watched 20mins and back again ! This is so.difficult to watch. I shouldn't listen to this while trying to sleep. I find myself getting annoyed

I disagree with some points . Just because of someone had a bad childhood, a child cannot be evil when grown into an adult I have seen many good people who had very bad childhood These people are just cursed devils in human form. That's all. May be they had childhood abuse because they are cursed from the begning

@dr.beckyspelman

6 ай бұрын

Hi thanks for your comment, sorry for any misunderstanding i definitely didn’t say a child was evil.

@jlovesj3335

3 ай бұрын

A child can very well be evil once grown from a difficult child hood. Children who were abused or molested sometimes continue the cycle. That's where generational curses come from. And there are evil children. Some kids murder their families because you unplug their xbox. The world isn't black and white.

@RLifestyle453

9 күн бұрын

They are cursed devils in human form!!! You said it and I fully agree this is one of the ways Satan rears their ugly head in humanity causing pain and suffering! This is *not* Gods way whatsoever

Well pretty sure i'm a narcissist

This video is so depressing

Healthy adult children have an expiration date on blaming their flawed parents for all of their woes! We reach a certain age where we begin to love and appreciate our parents rather than criticize and hate! WE begin to stop diagnosing them and begin to get into therapy and deal w the adult choices we make that we earlier blamed our parents for

@jlovesj3335

3 ай бұрын

So...... I get the empathy part but why minimize the harm parents do to their kid? Seems like something a narc parent would expect.

@ambrosialea

3 ай бұрын

There are people who never realize they were being controlled and played by their parents until they escape that control when the parent passes. Only when they escape do they realize being constantly put down and kept in a state of confusion and uncomfortable isn’t normal. Like I am just realizing this at 41. I guess I should just appreciate the decades of abuse because I am too old now ?!?

@user-wk7fg6ip3g

3 ай бұрын

@ambrosialea But not getting into therapy and working on healing is not doing you any good! I come from s dysfunctional home and I know 1st hand NONE of it was my fault. What is my fault is if I don't do the inner work daily to unlearn these toxic traits drilled into me from parents that were dealing w their trauma. When you know better, you do better and you focus on breaking cycles in your own home/ new family

@user-wk7fg6ip3g

3 ай бұрын

@jlovesj3335 Never minimized it. I come from a messed up family. But I made a lot of poor choices by mirroring unconsciously what my disordered parents did because until we do the inner work.. that's what we do. We also like to continually blame them. It takes all the accountability of any mistake/ bad choices we are making now. Get a good therapist. Study Narcissm. We all have some traits. We pass these dwn.. it's often generational

@ambrosialea

3 ай бұрын

@@user-wk7fg6ip3g I was going to therapy before just deciding to go contact. That helped give me confidence to leave. The thing is that the abuse didn’t end when I was a kid. I am 41. She spent the entire visit Saturday trying to crush my self esteem (scripted dialog, probably 70 instances of gaslighting) and take control of my life. By the end of the visit, I was in a corner crying. (But they were spending time with my kids which they hardly do any more to punish me so I didn’t want to leave.) She indicated that the only way she will stop the cruelty is if I divorce my husband of 11 years (3 kids) because my role was to never get married and I betrayed her when I did. Only when I got home and away from her that I realized “What was that?”. But my Dad and sister are still tightly in her circle, they are puppets as she pulls the strings…

Could not give less of a crap about my parents childhood making them what they are to me, i didn't ask to be here and their history isn't my mission to fix.

So could u make a video on what tp do if ur mom is narc and u have multiple sclerosis and need care as an adult who is sick