I just gave up because the work force dynamic is actually so blown out of proportion.....It's almost like a Comedy sitcom from the Disney Channel.
@BootbuttКүн бұрын
For me, this happens with money. "I'm the reason you're not under a bridge right now."Please give me some. I'll pay you back double." Then never do it. "Fine, then I'm never buying you food or what you want again." This is on money I've clearly stated is for me. And have saved every dime for. I'm still a child, I should not feel obligated to be their financial cushion.
@mvbigmagic4048Күн бұрын
My mother was abusing my father by hoarding their home, and my mother fought me about clearing the hallways, and getting rid of mouse-poop ridden piles of boxes of clothes she never ever wears! Four bedrooms worth. Spilling out onto the back porch. I realized.... since I moved away, her hoarding intensified. Since she could no longer control me.... she amassed tons of inanimate objects which didn't have legs and a brain and couldn't walk away. The hoard replaced the narcissistic supply she got from controlling me. Sad. I ended up having to call Adult Protective Services. They helped find my parents a place to stay while they fumigated the house. Miserable.
@kimlove1591Күн бұрын
They just have anybody making viedos😂
@AshaJacob11 сағат бұрын
Yes you got it! That's the purpose of KZread. Proud of you.
@LarryCambronКүн бұрын
There is alot of people in the world who is in prison or dead because there children didn't listen to there parents advice or teaching when they was growing up if you don't listen to your parents teaching or advice then the world will teach you the hard way...fact😅😅😅 0:00
@user-mq3qp5vm6b2 күн бұрын
I am 32 years , my mom wants to control my life , we are different, I can’t tell my secrets her, because she tells everyone, and she is always angry wherever I do. She doesn’t like me , she wants to change me, and now I don’t love myself !
@LarryCambron2 күн бұрын
If you don't like your parents rules in there home just move out and support yourself in life what's the problem...parents ain't perfect but some tries with what they have to offer.
@LarryCambron2 күн бұрын
Let's see they gave you life,put food on the table so you want go hungry,put you threw school to get a education, took you to the doctor when your or got hurt,put clothes on your back,protect you from the world when your little,etc do I need to say more.
@jam55332 күн бұрын
That would be the basics that a parent should be doing for their kids. It's not really on the ground, for the kids have to owe their parents.
@LarryCambronКүн бұрын
@@jam5533 so with that being said wouldn't you say a parents kids should be showing some respect to the ones who gave them life and provided for them parents owns there kids nothing at all but do it for there kids anyways because they love them not because there entitle
@judithalejandra28592 күн бұрын
My mother is a narcissist. Last time, she felt bad because she did not eat well but she said no word about it, and she blamed me, saying I was like my father and I swear that day I got dressed up, I felt nice but she ruined it. I guess it is part of my fault because she told that as long as I lived with her I had nothing to worry about, I believed her, and I continued my studies, now I do not have enough money to move out, and it is really sad being alone, feeling alone. I shouldn't have believed her but I was a teen and it took years to realize that she was manipulating me, trying to keep hold of me. Besides, she only loves my older brother (her first son), the bad guys are my sister and I. But my sister moved out years ago, and I am all alone. I wish things were different, I'll move out for sure but seriously I'm afraid, I don't want to be alone but I don't want to suffer anymore.
@Narsuaq3 күн бұрын
It's more of a feeling than a thought. I don't THINK I'm hated by everyone (no one is that important). I just FEEL hatred from everyone. No amount of mental gymnastics gets rid of this bombardment of feelings, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I just want to live my life, and I can't seem to.
@ektaraychoudhury86793 күн бұрын
I hope my child never has to watch these videos.
@dinat4114 күн бұрын
Indeed.
@patati.batata46466 күн бұрын
They keep saying that I'm incapable despite doing my best with what I had at the time, thank you for this reminder..... I'm losing myself day by day
@khaossmith12577 күн бұрын
My Thoughts 👁 Hurt people hurt one another. Healed people Healed one another 🙏 Meaning when you're hurt and broken you are numb to other people's feelings and emotions 💯 Healed people went through the hurt and pain 💔 so they can see the hurt and pain in other's. Imagine two parents not healed and very toxic. Innerstand what they can put on children with their toxic behavior. Most parents don't have a clue what their doing to their children.(More than likely cause that's the way they were raised). The cussing and yelling plus fighting. That weighs heavy on a child's subconscious of the Mind. The trauma that they watch their parents go through they are inheriting those traits of their own. Hurt people don't have self-love and self-worth. They don't value their selves, cause if they did, they wouldn't keep taking the same abuse. This means that if you are hurt and broken, how can you truly love ❤️ Especially have love for your children, when you do not love yourself. Healed people know that 😌 their emotions and feelings come first. Hurt people just want to stay numb to the reality of life that brought apond their self. Cause, they stay in that same loop and program's. Don't see that they need to change 💯 Hurt people could never truly love. Until they learn how to love themselves first. ( Self-love and self-care) Healed people don't really fucka with hurt people. Cause healed people love themselves to stay way from drama and bullshit. Be aware of who you are around ✨️ hurt people don't like seeing healed people 💯 misery loves company! 👁🙌🏾👌🏾❤️💚❤️💚❤️💚💫💫💫💫💫💫🌞💪🏾💯✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️😎
@VeronicaMcGrath7 күн бұрын
Thank you for this video !
@toyin23768 күн бұрын
My parents guilt trip me despite I practically brought myself up
@mvxxderxnxx307810 күн бұрын
😭😭❤️🔥 good video
@lamisharochelle10 күн бұрын
I wish I would have heard this when I was younger.
@NathanialWheelerHD11 күн бұрын
I have heard “after all things we have done for you, and you treat us like this” since I was a little boy. I am 28 now, and understanding the weapon of guilt that was used against me. It is very hard to come to grips and it is extremely painful. But I know this is the healing process. Thank you for your video ❤
@AshaJacob8 күн бұрын
I totally get you. It can feel unbearably painful at times. No child should ever feel Iike their existence is at a cost to their parents. Healthly parents take pride and joy in raising their kids. There is no expense to them. So happy you found this helpful on your journey!
@sback513412 күн бұрын
Remember…. Parents don’t owe you anything either.
@woefree312 күн бұрын
Thanks so much for this video ❤
@AshaJacob12 күн бұрын
@@woefree3 ❤️
@palvd12 күн бұрын
You DO owe your parents, your mum gave birth to you, fed you, changed your dirty nappies, made you survive. ( or you wouldnt be here now ) You need to look after your parents when theyre old and they need you. You dont understand because you proobably dont have any children yet. Dont you love yourself or appreciate that you exist in life. im sure you do because life is precious to everyone.
@kimmyymmik12 күн бұрын
Yea that’s called being responsible for having a child. No one asked to be born so the parents HAVE to take care of the child. If the parents were so good then they wouldn’t need to ask for anything, the child would do it out of love.
@palvd12 күн бұрын
@@kimmyymmik yes your right!!!
@elisedemerveilles306512 күн бұрын
Reading all the comments from 25 years old and up still living at home or finally moving out of their parent's home at 30 years of age. That's not on your parents; that's on you. You can only be guilted into behavior if you allow yourself to be. It's actually very simple. Get a job, tell your parents you love them, but you're moving out, and then do it. And you're explanation about such a complex dynamic is beyond overly simplistic.
@AshaJacob12 күн бұрын
In most Asian cultures, parents expect their children to stay with them well into adulthood. Regardless of culture, there are many parents who are over-reliant on their children, and guilt them into caring for them, at the expense of the child's independence. The message in this video is to give strength and clarity for them to take action and move out. Are there unhealthy children who blame their parents and take advantage of them? Yes. That is not who this video is for. Please look through the comments and see that sometimes, people need some perspective and guidance on how to take back control in their life.
@BishakaDas52713 күн бұрын
Hey I want to understand my situation my father always tells me that he is feeding me, he is supporting me, he is providing every thing. When ever I asked for pocket money he always tells me whose money you are spending. He tries to makes me feel I owe him because he is bearing my expense
@AshaJacob12 күн бұрын
Ugh, parents who view their children as investments are beyond frustrating. That kind of thinking is so antiquated and de-humanizing. To put things into perspective, healthy parents find joy and take pride in taking care of their children. I'm sorry you're made to feel like an expense.
@akosuaerzanechie307014 күн бұрын
Love your content. You are always on point ❤
@AshaJacob14 күн бұрын
Aw thank you!
@poornachandra151315 күн бұрын
❤❤❤❤
@user-cv5zj8iv6z15 күн бұрын
I can relate to this tremendously, my mother will criticize me daily on how my hair looks. I like my hair, and it comforts me yet I don’t think my mother sees that. She has told me various times how other people will judge me or bully me because me hair is less assigning to my gender role. (I have longer hair for a guy) This leads to her saying people will judge you because of you because of your hair for exp. Opportunities in education. I try and try to tell her I like my hair and she just retaliates and says “it’s ridiculous” and “I know your trying to hide behind your hair” It’s not that I’m trying to hide behind my hair it’s just I think bangs look good on me and I feel comfortable with them. Also, the cloths I like, I definitely like streetwear/alt clothing to go along with the long hair but she says “We can look into the cloths when we do something about that hair” I just want to feel wanted or good enough and to be myself. Asha if you are reading this would you mind giving some guidance how to overcome this problem?
@AshaJacob15 күн бұрын
Ugh, having a parent constantly comment on how we look just destroys self esteem. If I were you, I'd first try to understand my parents' concerns. Not to agree with them, but it allows me to see the limitations of where the relationship can go. For example, if my mom is bothered with how I look because she disagrees with what it could represent VS because she's worried I'll be judged/bullied. The latter is much easier to deal with, as it shows that she's thinking about you. The first one shows she's judging you herself. If it's the latter, which from your comment it seems to be, I'd talk to her and let her know that I understand that she's worried and trying to protect me. And that maybe she's right - that how I look will affect my life. But that's something I need to learn on my own. I'll emphasize the necessity of learning these things on my own. Framing it this way would make her less defensive because she feels understood, allowing her to me more receptive. One conversation wouldn't fix it, but I'll keep re-iterating that I need to learn on my own. I'll also let her know that these comments from her, as well meaning as they are, are the very thing she's trying to protect me from. I'll let her know I feel judged by her more than anyone. If it's the first and she has a problem with certain lifestyles, then I'll try to show her that the world is completely different now than it was when she was growing up. That being different might still come with some obstacles, but there's lots of room to flourish as well. I'd have low expectations for this conversation, simply because it's much more difficult to change one's beliefs. Open conversation, show her that you see her side of things so that she doesn't get defensive, and let her know you need to learn these things yourself. If she's unwilling to change, after a couple of conversations, then a firm boundary has to be drawn. Let her know you don't want her to share her opinions on how you look if it isn't positive. If she breaks it, you'll have to emotionally distant yourself, which you don't want, but will have to do. Sending love!
@Replenishyourheart17 күн бұрын
Wow!!!
@user-kh6eo6ki8w17 күн бұрын
Even at 28…whether fortunately or unfortunately….working with and living with my parents…lot of guilt tripping happening…lot of impromptu therapy…
@user-kh6eo6ki8w17 күн бұрын
Boundaries…something that parents like that don’t believe in…
@Healersarah19 күн бұрын
I know this is off topic but : I was raised by parents that are so toxic my dad is a true narcissist and my mother too , they are conservative in a way that , if you do this you be punished and if not , you're gonna be gaslighted to be punished and blamed and hit . me growing up with always no . to everything I was feeling or wanting as a little child , I was and still been controlled for the way I look how Ihave to be dressed , what I wanna do , so I really didn't develop things that I want to do ( but at the same time have some things that I know I LOVE )because Ihadn't a chance to do it , I just draw portraits from middle school now I'm in college and I improved a lot , I don't know , like I'm living under them expectations and they are like : if you follow what you really want , we're gonna be disowning you !!! thing that scare me a lot , but at the same time , I don't care because it is my own life and Igotta live it as I want to. any solutions ???
@AshaJacob19 күн бұрын
Hi Sarah, my latest video on "You need to learn how to disappoint people", might be exactly what could give you the clarity and strength you need for the situation. Please give it a look, and check out the comments too!
@Healersarah19 күн бұрын
@@AshaJacob Alright Asha thank you so much , I will go watch it !
@newchapterasmr20 күн бұрын
It’s so interesting that this video popped up now for me. My situation is not exactly the ones you mention; i just received the diagnosis of a condition that I know my parents will have a super hard time accepting or believing if they ever do at all. I’ve tried to approach the subject and get the feel for how my mom would react, and it was terrible. I might or might not disappoint them, but negative reactions are definitely at steak here, guilt too. You mentioned that you have to be strong to be able to sit with whatever their reactions are and not try to renegotiate - in this case, they would tell me to get a second opinion from another doctor, and deny it, and say that they would’ve known. I could appease them and tell them it’s not their fault, which is true, but they might still react negatively. What I take from this video is that I might not be strong enough just yet to deal with their reaction because my confidence regarding this condition is just beginning to be created right now. I will take it to heart and be extremely hurt with their reaction. So thank you, Asha, for giving me some clarity on this subject!
@AshaJacob19 күн бұрын
That's such a vulnerable and insightful awareness. That it takes time to build up the strength because a specific situation could be new and sensitive. It takes time to process and protect our feelings first, then once we feel secure, we can build up the strength to have these conversations. Thank you so much for sharing this additional aspect - it's so important.
@PoloABD21 күн бұрын
Good advice. I would say it only applies to agreeable/highly agreeable people, though. But this is the path I eventually took, having been neglected as a child.
@maryvictor720822 күн бұрын
Fantastic video. Learnt so much❤ thank you!!
@jessamaelaspinas657322 күн бұрын
Thank you so much for this❤.
@AshaJacob22 күн бұрын
I'm glad you enjoyed it Jessamae!
@jeanjacqueslundi350222 күн бұрын
For me the whole problem is I have no idea what I should strive for anymore. Some told me it was the be the happiest i could be, others about service to humanity........like I have no barometer to gauge even the simplest of close relationships and how to deal with them......because I have no north. I wonder sometimes, if who set up this experience even HAS an answer to these questions.....or it's all just quasi-random.......like a VAGUE sense of "be happy and help others"......but in the real world you are constantlly faced with the question of putting yourself first or others....I have NO freaking clue anymore. I don't know what the game is about, or what the end goal is.
@AshaJacob22 күн бұрын
Jean, wow. You quite literally described what my next video is about. It's been planned for a few weeks now, and goes into what does it even mean to be a good person. What should we even want. You worded everything wonderfully and it's such a heavy existential ache to bear. I touched on this in my previous video on happiness - about how so many of us are expected to want a specific end goal, but end goals are never in our control. Often these end goals aren't even aligned to who we are. I talk about how we need a perspective shift when it comes to happiness, and what we want for ourselves in life. The video's called "You are not owed happiness". I think you might fight it helpful. Plus the next video could help you build a foundation on how to find your north.
@AshaJacob22 күн бұрын
Most of us are going to have to disappoint our parents at some point. Especially when it comes to independence. It’s common for parents to become overprotective or over reliant. Where they don’t recognise that you’re an independent individual who needs to grow and explore life. So when it’s time to tell them that you need independence, you’re going to get pushback. Whether it’s moving out, needing more privacy, more time to yourself, more control in decision making about your life, building your own finances… You might get reactions that go from anger to guilt tripping. “What about me? You don’t care about me. How am I supposed to do this on my own” “After all I’ve done. You’re so ungrateful.” “I’m your parent, so what I says goes” “Fine, do whatever you want. I don’t know why I expect you you to care.” “All I want is to feel appreciated, and you treat me like I don’t matter” This is how to disappoint terribly: You go into these conversations without a plan. You expect or even hope for them to understand (you don’t control outcomes), so when they throw back anger or guilt trip you, you’re left emotional and vulnerable. So you reactively try to negotiate and explain that you don’t want to hurt them, and try to make them see that just because you need independence, does not mean you don’t love and care for them. You try to change their mind about you. But that goes nowhere. So you end the conversation with no meaningful conclusion, or some compromise. Only to find yourself having the same fight in a few weeks when even the compromised solution goes back to what it originally was. To disappoint well, this is how you need to approach it: Prepare yourself emotionally and have a good understanding of what’s at stake before opening a conversation. Once you’re ready, explain to your parents what you need, why you need it, what you think they might feel, and show them that you’ve thought about their side, but why this needs to happen regardless. You might get angry or guilt tripping responses claiming that you don’t care about them, or all you think about is yourself. It’s important you don’t try to negotiate here. Because you KNOW that you love them. They FEEL like you don’t. You’re aware that this negative reaction stems from not wanting to be alone, feeling like they’re losing control of you - neither of which are healthy. Address their concerns, but remain firm on what you need. You know it’s on you to show them that they can be self-reliant and that it’s not healthy to control you. Don’t negotiate to try to ease their pain. Let them be upset, let them know you love them, and allow them to feel their feelings. Which is tough since oftentimes many hurtful things will be hurled at you. If they refuse or try to get in the way, it’s important you draw firm boundaries. “If you’re going to create a big mess every time I leave the house, I’m going to have to distance myself from you, because you’re hurting me. Which I really don’t want to do, because I love you.” On the outside, most of these conversations ended terribly. Your parents are upset. But they were always going to be upset, as long as you were asking for independence. But ultimately, you didn’t compromise on what you needed. You recognise that their response is unhealthy and you need to give them tough love so they could possibly grow. You know that it’s either that you’re stuck and they’re unhealthy, or you’re fulfilled and they’re unhappy. You know exactly which between the two is the right one. The same goes for ending friendships or relationships. If you know what needs to be done, and you believe it’s the healthiest thing to do, then you make that decision clearly and have the strength to tolerate insults or misunderstandings being thrown at you.
@magzbeautiful24 күн бұрын
Do you still help people? I know this video is 3 years old!
@AshaJacob24 күн бұрын
I've stopped taking on clients for the time being!
@idkmyname623525 күн бұрын
My parents are forcing me to cut off my online friends for 3 years. I geniuanely don't get it. I'm the top of my class, i get along with everyone, the only thing is that I don't socialize all that much irl, so why won't they let me do it online?
@AshaJacob25 күн бұрын
That's awful. They likely hold views that the internet isn't a safe or healthy place to spend your time in. It's worth a shot to sit down with them and assuage their concerns. Let them know that you understand where their fears are coming from. Don't try to convince them that spending time online is safe. Instead let them know that you're aware of the dangers, and you're taking on the responsibility of being careful with your time online. Let them know that avoiding being online altogether doesn't teach you any discipline. Instead, it's all about knowing how to be safe and responsible with it. They might also worry that you might not end up making irl friends. You have to let them know that it's on your mind, and you'll work your way up there. There's many online groups that do in person meetups/lunches. Whether they're willing to trust you and give you respect is in no one's control, but at it's important that you give it your best shot to sit down with them and show that you're entirely capable.
@aratrikroy98425 күн бұрын
Hi Asha, your videos are really relevant especially for people of color and those belonging to asian cultures. I'd like to suggest few topics which are pretty common - enmeshment with parents and parentification - how to heal from these issues and break free from the toxicity.
@AshaJacob25 күн бұрын
Hi! Aw thank you. Could you give me a little more specifics? A situation or past experience? Don't need to go into too much detail for privacy, but a little more detail would help me make a more meaningful video!
@aratrikroy98425 күн бұрын
@@AshaJacob for example, I've seen lots of asian parents using their children to fill the vaccum in their life, due to lack of friends or an understanding partner. The children has to take the role of an 'adult' and get parentified, thereby causing a role reversal. Similarly for enmeshment, when such parents are highly engaged with the child's life, there's literally a bridge through which the toxicity can pass from the parent to the child (including negative heavy emotions). I hope I could give you a better perspective :)
@asimyadav125528 күн бұрын
So glad to see you again Asha😊!!!! Btw how can I book a call with you? Thank you 😁
@AshaJacob28 күн бұрын
Hi Asim! I've stopped taking on clients for now, but if I start again, I'll mention it in my videos :) Thank you for following the channel for so long!
@clementineslaughter690428 күн бұрын
Oh my God, I feel like you just explained my whole life story in just 1 video 😭 Jesus, help me! I will overcome all my fears and anxieties 🥳
@hfdjsk991529 күн бұрын
6:05 - summary
@newchapterasmrАй бұрын
Asha I understand your overall point, but I didn’t quite get what you meant by focusing on processes, could you give more examples please?
@AshaJacob29 күн бұрын
Think of how most of us are wired to think when it comes to happiness. If we get a high paying job at that fancy company, we'll be happy. If we get married and have children, we'll be happy. If we can form a good relationship with our parents, we'll be happy. If we have a specific type of partner, we'll be happy. We want our lives to look a certain way. We think of end goals when it comes to what we want in life. So when we get that high paying job that everyone congratulates us for, we ignore that the interview process was gruelling and we were treated with disrespect, leaving us working in a toxic work environment. Or when we just got engaged and we're one step closer to that dream of being married and starting a family, you focus on that dream. Ignoring the feelings you get in the moments your partner frequently invalidates your feelings and that you have to nag about the same thing over and over. You might even justify it, saying "not all relationships can be perfect". There's 2 points here. 1) We think we know the things that will make us happy 2) We think we can control outcomes Most of us don't actually know what we truly want. Our wants are warped by our anxieties, traumas, social expectation, insecurities, media. And ultimately we cannot control outcomes. You might want a healthy, happy relationship with your parents, but if they're unwilling to put in the effort to build one with you, are you going to stay unhappy and keep trying because your happiness depends on it? You could have the perfect resume and do all the right things, and for reasons out of your control, the company decides to hire someone else. The only thing that is completely in your control is your actions. That's the only thing that should leave you feeling content in life. This way, after your 2nd interview, you realize the interviewers are demeaning and there seems to be some sort of unspoken office politics at play. So you decide to pass on that job. You listened to your gut feelings and saved yourself from a world of stress and office politics. Your outcome is that you didn't get the job, but your process was the biggest act of self respect. Or you've had lengthy, respectful conversations with your parents to create a healthy relationship with them. You see their side, unpack your own feelings, let yourself be vulnerable, and yet your parents still don't budge. So you stop your efforts and have little contact with them, with many boundaries. Your outcome is that you don't have much of a relationship with them, but your process showed how much respect you have for your parents, yourself, and all your efforts to build something with them. Shouldn't that effort, that process, be the source of your happiness in life? In the end, from the outside our life might not look so appealing to others. We didn't get that job, we don't have a happy relationship with our parents, we cancelled our engagement. But as you experiencing that life, you've built processes that embody self-respect, being in touch with your feelings, not trying to change people, and understanding that outcomes are out of your control. You take life for what it is, instead of fight it to try to create something that looks pretty perfect. So create processes for how to be in touch with your gut feelings when something is off, paying attention to others and how they feel, and go online! Learn about other people's experiences and what they've done or what they've missed. Learn new ways to nurture your relationships. Sure in the end it might not look like how you want it to look. Friends can change, people can leave for their own reasons. But at least you know you behaved the best you could. I know this is Iong, but I hope you and anyone who took the time to read this, can take away from this!
@merryneedham9863Ай бұрын
Love your content Asha!
@l4l755Ай бұрын
Good video with great insights! The last two-three years put me through some really difficult times - You make it through those rough periods because you have routines and processes in place that you can follow even in hard times. 💪
@dennissajiАй бұрын
Indeed, Process is more important than outcome. Sad to know about what you have gone through. Appreciate your resilience ❤
@YinVisionsАй бұрын
Hi Asha, long time viewer. As someone who also lost family these past few years, I 100% felt what you meant. That pain never really goes away and the fact that it happened when you two were becoming closer definitely adds more sting to it. I can relate to your sentiment on focusing on the process. It’s truly one of the greatest truths in life. We are in control of what our time is going to be spent on, so why not spend it on focusing on the healthy processes that we can enjoy? Everyday is a gift. I’m never giving it away. Thanks so much for your nuanced thoughts. Your content on narcissism and toxic people is the best stuff out here on KZread. You do make a difference. I hope you see it and feel it, too. Have a wonderful day, my friend.
@AshaJacobАй бұрын
This is such a lovely comment that brings so much warmth. Thank you for taking the time to write it. It means so much that you find them insightful.
@appletherapyАй бұрын
Gilt tripping is also scolding
@Intensity764Ай бұрын
Especially when you try to walk on a spiritual path and practicing méditation but impossible if you live with a toxic family. This is why I will take a new home
Пікірлер
I just gave up because the work force dynamic is actually so blown out of proportion.....It's almost like a Comedy sitcom from the Disney Channel.
For me, this happens with money. "I'm the reason you're not under a bridge right now."Please give me some. I'll pay you back double." Then never do it. "Fine, then I'm never buying you food or what you want again." This is on money I've clearly stated is for me. And have saved every dime for. I'm still a child, I should not feel obligated to be their financial cushion.
My mother was abusing my father by hoarding their home, and my mother fought me about clearing the hallways, and getting rid of mouse-poop ridden piles of boxes of clothes she never ever wears! Four bedrooms worth. Spilling out onto the back porch. I realized.... since I moved away, her hoarding intensified. Since she could no longer control me.... she amassed tons of inanimate objects which didn't have legs and a brain and couldn't walk away. The hoard replaced the narcissistic supply she got from controlling me. Sad. I ended up having to call Adult Protective Services. They helped find my parents a place to stay while they fumigated the house. Miserable.
They just have anybody making viedos😂
Yes you got it! That's the purpose of KZread. Proud of you.
There is alot of people in the world who is in prison or dead because there children didn't listen to there parents advice or teaching when they was growing up if you don't listen to your parents teaching or advice then the world will teach you the hard way...fact😅😅😅 0:00
I am 32 years , my mom wants to control my life , we are different, I can’t tell my secrets her, because she tells everyone, and she is always angry wherever I do. She doesn’t like me , she wants to change me, and now I don’t love myself !
If you don't like your parents rules in there home just move out and support yourself in life what's the problem...parents ain't perfect but some tries with what they have to offer.
Let's see they gave you life,put food on the table so you want go hungry,put you threw school to get a education, took you to the doctor when your or got hurt,put clothes on your back,protect you from the world when your little,etc do I need to say more.
That would be the basics that a parent should be doing for their kids. It's not really on the ground, for the kids have to owe their parents.
@@jam5533 so with that being said wouldn't you say a parents kids should be showing some respect to the ones who gave them life and provided for them parents owns there kids nothing at all but do it for there kids anyways because they love them not because there entitle
My mother is a narcissist. Last time, she felt bad because she did not eat well but she said no word about it, and she blamed me, saying I was like my father and I swear that day I got dressed up, I felt nice but she ruined it. I guess it is part of my fault because she told that as long as I lived with her I had nothing to worry about, I believed her, and I continued my studies, now I do not have enough money to move out, and it is really sad being alone, feeling alone. I shouldn't have believed her but I was a teen and it took years to realize that she was manipulating me, trying to keep hold of me. Besides, she only loves my older brother (her first son), the bad guys are my sister and I. But my sister moved out years ago, and I am all alone. I wish things were different, I'll move out for sure but seriously I'm afraid, I don't want to be alone but I don't want to suffer anymore.
It's more of a feeling than a thought. I don't THINK I'm hated by everyone (no one is that important). I just FEEL hatred from everyone. No amount of mental gymnastics gets rid of this bombardment of feelings, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I just want to live my life, and I can't seem to.
I hope my child never has to watch these videos.
Indeed.
They keep saying that I'm incapable despite doing my best with what I had at the time, thank you for this reminder..... I'm losing myself day by day
My Thoughts 👁 Hurt people hurt one another. Healed people Healed one another 🙏 Meaning when you're hurt and broken you are numb to other people's feelings and emotions 💯 Healed people went through the hurt and pain 💔 so they can see the hurt and pain in other's. Imagine two parents not healed and very toxic. Innerstand what they can put on children with their toxic behavior. Most parents don't have a clue what their doing to their children.(More than likely cause that's the way they were raised). The cussing and yelling plus fighting. That weighs heavy on a child's subconscious of the Mind. The trauma that they watch their parents go through they are inheriting those traits of their own. Hurt people don't have self-love and self-worth. They don't value their selves, cause if they did, they wouldn't keep taking the same abuse. This means that if you are hurt and broken, how can you truly love ❤️ Especially have love for your children, when you do not love yourself. Healed people know that 😌 their emotions and feelings come first. Hurt people just want to stay numb to the reality of life that brought apond their self. Cause, they stay in that same loop and program's. Don't see that they need to change 💯 Hurt people could never truly love. Until they learn how to love themselves first. ( Self-love and self-care) Healed people don't really fucka with hurt people. Cause healed people love themselves to stay way from drama and bullshit. Be aware of who you are around ✨️ hurt people don't like seeing healed people 💯 misery loves company! 👁🙌🏾👌🏾❤️💚❤️💚❤️💚💫💫💫💫💫💫🌞💪🏾💯✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️😎
Thank you for this video !
My parents guilt trip me despite I practically brought myself up
😭😭❤️🔥 good video
I wish I would have heard this when I was younger.
I have heard “after all things we have done for you, and you treat us like this” since I was a little boy. I am 28 now, and understanding the weapon of guilt that was used against me. It is very hard to come to grips and it is extremely painful. But I know this is the healing process. Thank you for your video ❤
I totally get you. It can feel unbearably painful at times. No child should ever feel Iike their existence is at a cost to their parents. Healthly parents take pride and joy in raising their kids. There is no expense to them. So happy you found this helpful on your journey!
Remember…. Parents don’t owe you anything either.
Thanks so much for this video ❤
@@woefree3 ❤️
You DO owe your parents, your mum gave birth to you, fed you, changed your dirty nappies, made you survive. ( or you wouldnt be here now ) You need to look after your parents when theyre old and they need you. You dont understand because you proobably dont have any children yet. Dont you love yourself or appreciate that you exist in life. im sure you do because life is precious to everyone.
Yea that’s called being responsible for having a child. No one asked to be born so the parents HAVE to take care of the child. If the parents were so good then they wouldn’t need to ask for anything, the child would do it out of love.
@@kimmyymmik yes your right!!!
Reading all the comments from 25 years old and up still living at home or finally moving out of their parent's home at 30 years of age. That's not on your parents; that's on you. You can only be guilted into behavior if you allow yourself to be. It's actually very simple. Get a job, tell your parents you love them, but you're moving out, and then do it. And you're explanation about such a complex dynamic is beyond overly simplistic.
In most Asian cultures, parents expect their children to stay with them well into adulthood. Regardless of culture, there are many parents who are over-reliant on their children, and guilt them into caring for them, at the expense of the child's independence. The message in this video is to give strength and clarity for them to take action and move out. Are there unhealthy children who blame their parents and take advantage of them? Yes. That is not who this video is for. Please look through the comments and see that sometimes, people need some perspective and guidance on how to take back control in their life.
Hey I want to understand my situation my father always tells me that he is feeding me, he is supporting me, he is providing every thing. When ever I asked for pocket money he always tells me whose money you are spending. He tries to makes me feel I owe him because he is bearing my expense
Ugh, parents who view their children as investments are beyond frustrating. That kind of thinking is so antiquated and de-humanizing. To put things into perspective, healthy parents find joy and take pride in taking care of their children. I'm sorry you're made to feel like an expense.
Love your content. You are always on point ❤
Aw thank you!
❤❤❤❤
I can relate to this tremendously, my mother will criticize me daily on how my hair looks. I like my hair, and it comforts me yet I don’t think my mother sees that. She has told me various times how other people will judge me or bully me because me hair is less assigning to my gender role. (I have longer hair for a guy) This leads to her saying people will judge you because of you because of your hair for exp. Opportunities in education. I try and try to tell her I like my hair and she just retaliates and says “it’s ridiculous” and “I know your trying to hide behind your hair” It’s not that I’m trying to hide behind my hair it’s just I think bangs look good on me and I feel comfortable with them. Also, the cloths I like, I definitely like streetwear/alt clothing to go along with the long hair but she says “We can look into the cloths when we do something about that hair” I just want to feel wanted or good enough and to be myself. Asha if you are reading this would you mind giving some guidance how to overcome this problem?
Ugh, having a parent constantly comment on how we look just destroys self esteem. If I were you, I'd first try to understand my parents' concerns. Not to agree with them, but it allows me to see the limitations of where the relationship can go. For example, if my mom is bothered with how I look because she disagrees with what it could represent VS because she's worried I'll be judged/bullied. The latter is much easier to deal with, as it shows that she's thinking about you. The first one shows she's judging you herself. If it's the latter, which from your comment it seems to be, I'd talk to her and let her know that I understand that she's worried and trying to protect me. And that maybe she's right - that how I look will affect my life. But that's something I need to learn on my own. I'll emphasize the necessity of learning these things on my own. Framing it this way would make her less defensive because she feels understood, allowing her to me more receptive. One conversation wouldn't fix it, but I'll keep re-iterating that I need to learn on my own. I'll also let her know that these comments from her, as well meaning as they are, are the very thing she's trying to protect me from. I'll let her know I feel judged by her more than anyone. If it's the first and she has a problem with certain lifestyles, then I'll try to show her that the world is completely different now than it was when she was growing up. That being different might still come with some obstacles, but there's lots of room to flourish as well. I'd have low expectations for this conversation, simply because it's much more difficult to change one's beliefs. Open conversation, show her that you see her side of things so that she doesn't get defensive, and let her know you need to learn these things yourself. If she's unwilling to change, after a couple of conversations, then a firm boundary has to be drawn. Let her know you don't want her to share her opinions on how you look if it isn't positive. If she breaks it, you'll have to emotionally distant yourself, which you don't want, but will have to do. Sending love!
Wow!!!
Even at 28…whether fortunately or unfortunately….working with and living with my parents…lot of guilt tripping happening…lot of impromptu therapy…
Boundaries…something that parents like that don’t believe in…
I know this is off topic but : I was raised by parents that are so toxic my dad is a true narcissist and my mother too , they are conservative in a way that , if you do this you be punished and if not , you're gonna be gaslighted to be punished and blamed and hit . me growing up with always no . to everything I was feeling or wanting as a little child , I was and still been controlled for the way I look how Ihave to be dressed , what I wanna do , so I really didn't develop things that I want to do ( but at the same time have some things that I know I LOVE )because Ihadn't a chance to do it , I just draw portraits from middle school now I'm in college and I improved a lot , I don't know , like I'm living under them expectations and they are like : if you follow what you really want , we're gonna be disowning you !!! thing that scare me a lot , but at the same time , I don't care because it is my own life and Igotta live it as I want to. any solutions ???
Hi Sarah, my latest video on "You need to learn how to disappoint people", might be exactly what could give you the clarity and strength you need for the situation. Please give it a look, and check out the comments too!
@@AshaJacob Alright Asha thank you so much , I will go watch it !
It’s so interesting that this video popped up now for me. My situation is not exactly the ones you mention; i just received the diagnosis of a condition that I know my parents will have a super hard time accepting or believing if they ever do at all. I’ve tried to approach the subject and get the feel for how my mom would react, and it was terrible. I might or might not disappoint them, but negative reactions are definitely at steak here, guilt too. You mentioned that you have to be strong to be able to sit with whatever their reactions are and not try to renegotiate - in this case, they would tell me to get a second opinion from another doctor, and deny it, and say that they would’ve known. I could appease them and tell them it’s not their fault, which is true, but they might still react negatively. What I take from this video is that I might not be strong enough just yet to deal with their reaction because my confidence regarding this condition is just beginning to be created right now. I will take it to heart and be extremely hurt with their reaction. So thank you, Asha, for giving me some clarity on this subject!
That's such a vulnerable and insightful awareness. That it takes time to build up the strength because a specific situation could be new and sensitive. It takes time to process and protect our feelings first, then once we feel secure, we can build up the strength to have these conversations. Thank you so much for sharing this additional aspect - it's so important.
Good advice. I would say it only applies to agreeable/highly agreeable people, though. But this is the path I eventually took, having been neglected as a child.
Fantastic video. Learnt so much❤ thank you!!
Thank you so much for this❤.
I'm glad you enjoyed it Jessamae!
For me the whole problem is I have no idea what I should strive for anymore. Some told me it was the be the happiest i could be, others about service to humanity........like I have no barometer to gauge even the simplest of close relationships and how to deal with them......because I have no north. I wonder sometimes, if who set up this experience even HAS an answer to these questions.....or it's all just quasi-random.......like a VAGUE sense of "be happy and help others"......but in the real world you are constantlly faced with the question of putting yourself first or others....I have NO freaking clue anymore. I don't know what the game is about, or what the end goal is.
Jean, wow. You quite literally described what my next video is about. It's been planned for a few weeks now, and goes into what does it even mean to be a good person. What should we even want. You worded everything wonderfully and it's such a heavy existential ache to bear. I touched on this in my previous video on happiness - about how so many of us are expected to want a specific end goal, but end goals are never in our control. Often these end goals aren't even aligned to who we are. I talk about how we need a perspective shift when it comes to happiness, and what we want for ourselves in life. The video's called "You are not owed happiness". I think you might fight it helpful. Plus the next video could help you build a foundation on how to find your north.
Most of us are going to have to disappoint our parents at some point. Especially when it comes to independence. It’s common for parents to become overprotective or over reliant. Where they don’t recognise that you’re an independent individual who needs to grow and explore life. So when it’s time to tell them that you need independence, you’re going to get pushback. Whether it’s moving out, needing more privacy, more time to yourself, more control in decision making about your life, building your own finances… You might get reactions that go from anger to guilt tripping. “What about me? You don’t care about me. How am I supposed to do this on my own” “After all I’ve done. You’re so ungrateful.” “I’m your parent, so what I says goes” “Fine, do whatever you want. I don’t know why I expect you you to care.” “All I want is to feel appreciated, and you treat me like I don’t matter” This is how to disappoint terribly: You go into these conversations without a plan. You expect or even hope for them to understand (you don’t control outcomes), so when they throw back anger or guilt trip you, you’re left emotional and vulnerable. So you reactively try to negotiate and explain that you don’t want to hurt them, and try to make them see that just because you need independence, does not mean you don’t love and care for them. You try to change their mind about you. But that goes nowhere. So you end the conversation with no meaningful conclusion, or some compromise. Only to find yourself having the same fight in a few weeks when even the compromised solution goes back to what it originally was. To disappoint well, this is how you need to approach it: Prepare yourself emotionally and have a good understanding of what’s at stake before opening a conversation. Once you’re ready, explain to your parents what you need, why you need it, what you think they might feel, and show them that you’ve thought about their side, but why this needs to happen regardless. You might get angry or guilt tripping responses claiming that you don’t care about them, or all you think about is yourself. It’s important you don’t try to negotiate here. Because you KNOW that you love them. They FEEL like you don’t. You’re aware that this negative reaction stems from not wanting to be alone, feeling like they’re losing control of you - neither of which are healthy. Address their concerns, but remain firm on what you need. You know it’s on you to show them that they can be self-reliant and that it’s not healthy to control you. Don’t negotiate to try to ease their pain. Let them be upset, let them know you love them, and allow them to feel their feelings. Which is tough since oftentimes many hurtful things will be hurled at you. If they refuse or try to get in the way, it’s important you draw firm boundaries. “If you’re going to create a big mess every time I leave the house, I’m going to have to distance myself from you, because you’re hurting me. Which I really don’t want to do, because I love you.” On the outside, most of these conversations ended terribly. Your parents are upset. But they were always going to be upset, as long as you were asking for independence. But ultimately, you didn’t compromise on what you needed. You recognise that their response is unhealthy and you need to give them tough love so they could possibly grow. You know that it’s either that you’re stuck and they’re unhealthy, or you’re fulfilled and they’re unhappy. You know exactly which between the two is the right one. The same goes for ending friendships or relationships. If you know what needs to be done, and you believe it’s the healthiest thing to do, then you make that decision clearly and have the strength to tolerate insults or misunderstandings being thrown at you.
Do you still help people? I know this video is 3 years old!
I've stopped taking on clients for the time being!
My parents are forcing me to cut off my online friends for 3 years. I geniuanely don't get it. I'm the top of my class, i get along with everyone, the only thing is that I don't socialize all that much irl, so why won't they let me do it online?
That's awful. They likely hold views that the internet isn't a safe or healthy place to spend your time in. It's worth a shot to sit down with them and assuage their concerns. Let them know that you understand where their fears are coming from. Don't try to convince them that spending time online is safe. Instead let them know that you're aware of the dangers, and you're taking on the responsibility of being careful with your time online. Let them know that avoiding being online altogether doesn't teach you any discipline. Instead, it's all about knowing how to be safe and responsible with it. They might also worry that you might not end up making irl friends. You have to let them know that it's on your mind, and you'll work your way up there. There's many online groups that do in person meetups/lunches. Whether they're willing to trust you and give you respect is in no one's control, but at it's important that you give it your best shot to sit down with them and show that you're entirely capable.
Hi Asha, your videos are really relevant especially for people of color and those belonging to asian cultures. I'd like to suggest few topics which are pretty common - enmeshment with parents and parentification - how to heal from these issues and break free from the toxicity.
Hi! Aw thank you. Could you give me a little more specifics? A situation or past experience? Don't need to go into too much detail for privacy, but a little more detail would help me make a more meaningful video!
@@AshaJacob for example, I've seen lots of asian parents using their children to fill the vaccum in their life, due to lack of friends or an understanding partner. The children has to take the role of an 'adult' and get parentified, thereby causing a role reversal. Similarly for enmeshment, when such parents are highly engaged with the child's life, there's literally a bridge through which the toxicity can pass from the parent to the child (including negative heavy emotions). I hope I could give you a better perspective :)
So glad to see you again Asha😊!!!! Btw how can I book a call with you? Thank you 😁
Hi Asim! I've stopped taking on clients for now, but if I start again, I'll mention it in my videos :) Thank you for following the channel for so long!
Oh my God, I feel like you just explained my whole life story in just 1 video 😭 Jesus, help me! I will overcome all my fears and anxieties 🥳
6:05 - summary
Asha I understand your overall point, but I didn’t quite get what you meant by focusing on processes, could you give more examples please?
Think of how most of us are wired to think when it comes to happiness. If we get a high paying job at that fancy company, we'll be happy. If we get married and have children, we'll be happy. If we can form a good relationship with our parents, we'll be happy. If we have a specific type of partner, we'll be happy. We want our lives to look a certain way. We think of end goals when it comes to what we want in life. So when we get that high paying job that everyone congratulates us for, we ignore that the interview process was gruelling and we were treated with disrespect, leaving us working in a toxic work environment. Or when we just got engaged and we're one step closer to that dream of being married and starting a family, you focus on that dream. Ignoring the feelings you get in the moments your partner frequently invalidates your feelings and that you have to nag about the same thing over and over. You might even justify it, saying "not all relationships can be perfect". There's 2 points here. 1) We think we know the things that will make us happy 2) We think we can control outcomes Most of us don't actually know what we truly want. Our wants are warped by our anxieties, traumas, social expectation, insecurities, media. And ultimately we cannot control outcomes. You might want a healthy, happy relationship with your parents, but if they're unwilling to put in the effort to build one with you, are you going to stay unhappy and keep trying because your happiness depends on it? You could have the perfect resume and do all the right things, and for reasons out of your control, the company decides to hire someone else. The only thing that is completely in your control is your actions. That's the only thing that should leave you feeling content in life. This way, after your 2nd interview, you realize the interviewers are demeaning and there seems to be some sort of unspoken office politics at play. So you decide to pass on that job. You listened to your gut feelings and saved yourself from a world of stress and office politics. Your outcome is that you didn't get the job, but your process was the biggest act of self respect. Or you've had lengthy, respectful conversations with your parents to create a healthy relationship with them. You see their side, unpack your own feelings, let yourself be vulnerable, and yet your parents still don't budge. So you stop your efforts and have little contact with them, with many boundaries. Your outcome is that you don't have much of a relationship with them, but your process showed how much respect you have for your parents, yourself, and all your efforts to build something with them. Shouldn't that effort, that process, be the source of your happiness in life? In the end, from the outside our life might not look so appealing to others. We didn't get that job, we don't have a happy relationship with our parents, we cancelled our engagement. But as you experiencing that life, you've built processes that embody self-respect, being in touch with your feelings, not trying to change people, and understanding that outcomes are out of your control. You take life for what it is, instead of fight it to try to create something that looks pretty perfect. So create processes for how to be in touch with your gut feelings when something is off, paying attention to others and how they feel, and go online! Learn about other people's experiences and what they've done or what they've missed. Learn new ways to nurture your relationships. Sure in the end it might not look like how you want it to look. Friends can change, people can leave for their own reasons. But at least you know you behaved the best you could. I know this is Iong, but I hope you and anyone who took the time to read this, can take away from this!
Love your content Asha!
Good video with great insights! The last two-three years put me through some really difficult times - You make it through those rough periods because you have routines and processes in place that you can follow even in hard times. 💪
Indeed, Process is more important than outcome. Sad to know about what you have gone through. Appreciate your resilience ❤
Hi Asha, long time viewer. As someone who also lost family these past few years, I 100% felt what you meant. That pain never really goes away and the fact that it happened when you two were becoming closer definitely adds more sting to it. I can relate to your sentiment on focusing on the process. It’s truly one of the greatest truths in life. We are in control of what our time is going to be spent on, so why not spend it on focusing on the healthy processes that we can enjoy? Everyday is a gift. I’m never giving it away. Thanks so much for your nuanced thoughts. Your content on narcissism and toxic people is the best stuff out here on KZread. You do make a difference. I hope you see it and feel it, too. Have a wonderful day, my friend.
This is such a lovely comment that brings so much warmth. Thank you for taking the time to write it. It means so much that you find them insightful.
Gilt tripping is also scolding
Especially when you try to walk on a spiritual path and practicing méditation but impossible if you live with a toxic family. This is why I will take a new home