hi i really love your work but the sound quality can make listening to it very difficult to understand but also uncomfortable. i understand that sound equipment is pricey but hopefully if you post anytime soon the sound will be clearer. thank you love your youtube and blog!! truly saved my life
@dio696662 ай бұрын
Nice music
@TMABWTE4 ай бұрын
Thanks! This really was a very informative video, and a lot easier to watch than read through
@bollweevil81124 ай бұрын
Informative & entertaining 🙂
@lanni82245 ай бұрын
Goodness gracious thank you! I believe I have answer! For my daughter and myself.
@Mandalasa5 ай бұрын
„Who is behind the mask“ ❤ so glad, I stumbled upon your videos!
@kimorox8137 ай бұрын
I kinda struggle to see the difference between demand avoidance and executive dysfunction
@eponymoususer89237 ай бұрын
Unpressured peace is needed. Exactly.
@eladhen28 ай бұрын
OK yeah. My masking is natural, and talk about "finding your true self" always rang hollow to me, as I myself felt sure that everyone is masking, so what's the point if under the mask you can only find a different mask? Nowadays I understand this isn't a universal experience...
@HappyHoney418 ай бұрын
Thank you much, but my senses can't take the music.
@jaseman8 ай бұрын
Thank you. School was hell for me. I absolutely hated every moment of it and I am still angry that I was forced into that intolerable situation.
@HappyHoney418 ай бұрын
My whole day. I think nt's are dogs and we are cats. Try forcing a cat to do what it doesn't want to. As a child, I know I felt I was an individual entity and my wants and needs were every bit as important as the adult's. I felt like I was trapped, controlled, unheard. I could not wait to be an adult and be free of having to do what other people want. I hated being a kid. I burned out and retired at 59. When they asked me what I was going to do when I retired, I told them 'Whatever I want to do. Not what everyone else wants me to do.' Only to find out I don't even want to do the things I want me to do.
@HappyHoney418 ай бұрын
I need a relief valve...
@richardcoffeygeneral8 ай бұрын
I'm very much an internalised PDA person and I've only come to realise it this year, nine years after my autism diagnosis
@jsim267878 ай бұрын
I don’t want this to come off as invalidating, but just being someone who knows a lot about bpd, and also I struggle to not say something I think should be said if that makes any sense? It’s not a good trait I know, but I feel like if there’s anywhere I can be myself and voice my thoughts it should be here. The wording the psychiatrists used with Jilian was incorrect, avoidant borderline personality disorder in itself is not a diagnosis, and it’s not in the dsm, but it comes from research done on the different sub types of bpd. I’m guessing this is what they meant, but they should have clarified and given her the information on how it’s a subtype, it’s not considered a formal diagnosis, but the research has shown promising things in terms of helping people with bpd access the treatment that will work more specifically for them. That being said, I’m not claiming that she does have bpd or anything like that, I’m not a doctor, I’ve just been diagnosed with bpd, and I’ve done a lot of looking into it. I’m currently seeking a diagnosis of autism more specifically the pda profile, I don’t know if I was misdiagnosed with bpd or if it’s just both. That’s the other thing, the new leading theory on how bpd develops is someone with neurodivergence who didn’t receive the proper support growing up. So in my mind, it makes a lot of sense for both to be able to be present in an autistic adult, especially if they didn’t receive a diagnosis until adult hood. I think statistics echo this, in both you’re more likely to also have the other, but I feel like that honestly goes for any mental health disorder so take that with a grain of salt. I just wanted to put this here because it’s very possible for someone out there to have this combination and I just hope this wouldn’t confuse them and then only receive help for one and not both.
@rd76pag8 ай бұрын
That totally explains a lot of things that I struggle on a day to day basis. After watching your video, I got very overwhelmed by realizing that I have PDA. It made me have an internal meltdown.
@jaseman8 ай бұрын
I have this also.
@pipwhitefeather57688 ай бұрын
Thank you so much! The effort of overcoming your PDA long enough to produce this was extremely worth while, thank you again, it is such clearly presented and valuable information. Much empathy, warmth and gratitude from a fellow PDAer.
@trollsneedhugs9 ай бұрын
Your animation is awesome!
@lorenzmenke31219 ай бұрын
I just realized why I use other peoples methods against them, it is a form of mimicry. I only do then when the other party declares war against me. Now I am a self diagnosed PDA autistic. So now this makes sense, it is my form of masking! Holly cow now I understand!
@evolvingthroughart9 ай бұрын
My mind is blown. Thank you for sharing this info. I have a new rabbit hole to go down. LoL
@caralynn.9 ай бұрын
Thank you so much for this video. First I discovered INFJ videos, then I learned I was an "Enneagram 5", then the Autism videos started to pop up, then it narrowed to the PDA videos. Every step felt a little bit closer to understand what was wrong with me. Why my brain could be great, but also so obviously wrong. I am 40 years old and I am finally coming to terms with who I am, and this video is something I will show to my important people to help them understand too. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
@robbind34149 ай бұрын
Thank you for shining a light on this. I'm wondering if you have a similar video without all the music and effects. They make it hard for me to concentrate. Thanks.
@lrwiersum9 ай бұрын
I have to prepare myself to act, act, then recover from acting.
@lrwiersum9 ай бұрын
I implode
@L5biszz10 ай бұрын
Cub sounds really off.
@gapastorelli10 ай бұрын
This describes my son, my husband, me. My father, every ex I've ever had. How does one access this quiet time? And how does one help the cooled down kettle learn that they need to repair? Because apparently most of us are really shitty at that part.
@3rz-rhymesreasonsandwritte43710 ай бұрын
Great topic but can't cope with the sudden loud weird music sorry. Must be my autism 🤔😞😒
@snarkyandsane10 ай бұрын
Thank you! This is so helpful as a mother of someone with PDA. I’m always curious how it feels to be him so I can help him. In fact, that’s a new conversation we continually have now: what does it feel like to be you in this situation? It has completely transformed our relationship and eliminated so much unnecessary stress for us both. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤❤❤
@rebeckajarl393411 ай бұрын
Thank you for sharing, this makes so, so much sense. Because you just described me.
@Violet_Moone1311 ай бұрын
I’m curious, is there a way to get an official diagnosis of either of these? I’ve struggled with sleep my entire life, been made to feel lazy by the rest of “rise with the sun” society, also considering it could be that my brain fights sleep due to childhood trauma.. only at 40 realizing I probably have pda accompanying my AuDHD..and DSPS sounds incredibly likely, rather than a moral deficiency “if I could just force myself to go to sleep I could be a morning person.” I’ve been on sleeping pills most of my adult life, otherwise I would be awake all night
@skyleruballe226511 ай бұрын
Anxiety!!!! 🤣
@EvilAsh_AuDHDer Жыл бұрын
Thank you for perfectly describing the evil side of me that can come out, whilst the rest of me looks on in horror. Thank you for showing me I'm not alone.
@Slipping_thru_the_Seams Жыл бұрын
thank you so much for sharing your perspective on masking. as a fellow PDA autistic, this is very fascinating and i found it relatable as well!
@cavefacts2660 Жыл бұрын
nitpick: that music is jarring and irritating (to me at least)
@brandybailey98299 ай бұрын
I agree... but I held on and pushed through because the information was wonderful.
@aaronmcmurray87463 ай бұрын
Music is awesome
@beadingbusily Жыл бұрын
I live in the U.S. I've had epilepsy for a long time. If you call seizures 'fits' over here, no one will appreciate or understand it, FYI. I appreciate the video.
@Slipping_thru_the_Seams Жыл бұрын
spectacular content! "internalized meltdowns" is a term i hadnt heard before and it explains a lot. i really appreciate you sharing your perspective, thank you!
@Kate-uj9rx Жыл бұрын
Cool!
@JustMe-ty2rp Жыл бұрын
Hahaha, even clicking off the video by accident and then thinking "I need to click back and finish watching it", my next reaction becomes "No, I'm not going to finish watching that video because i don't have to" and I go to watch something else instead. XD
@JustMe-ty2rp Жыл бұрын
Recently dx'd with high functioning asd and one of my biggest issues has always been that when I want to do something or set a goal for myself (like say, learning computer programming) I will get excited about the prospect of learning a new skill, until it's actually time to do it - and then I get this physical feeling come over my body like *I CAN'T MOVE*. It's almost like physical pain, or an extreme apathy that I feel in my limbs, and it becomes hard to lift them + I end up with anxiety. Also throughout most of my life holding down jobs was equally difficult for the same reason. I wanted the job, I was happy to make money and work, but when it came time to go to work I would feel the same physical 'freezing up' and it would make it hard to get to work, the harder I tried, the more anxious I would get and I would ultimately end up calling in sick - all the while assuming I must have some kind of severe social anxiety or something, even though I never fully fit that profile (and the fact it happened with self-imposed restrictions or demands as well); and if someone made an appointment for me (like a partner saying "oh hey, I volunteered you to help at so-and-so's birthday at the end of the month") I would become irrationally angry, to the point of aggression (which resulted in a lot of self-hatred and depression - but it seemed no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop when I was triggered?). I found PDA by asking some ppl if they've ever experienced the same, and after watching a couple of videos I'm pretty sure this is what's going on. I read some things that said early-life trauma or parental neglect, abuse, etc. has nothing to do with it - but I think that's a stupid thing to say given the lack of research as well as the fact almost everyone I've heard say they fit the profile can trace the reasoning back to childhood in some fashion. For my own example, I was often forced as a child to have to do things I didn't want to do, like mow the lawn (being told I had to do it right when I would ask to go and play with friends - eg, Me: "my homeworks all done, can I go and play with my friends?" My Dad: "get out there and mow the lawn first" Me: "but my friends can only stay for an hour and they will have to go home!" My Dad: "No buts!!! Get out there and get it done, then you can go!" 😭) or being told to do the dishes when all the other kids my age were playing outside. I was also not often given a choice about what I wanted to do and would be forced to do things like go on scary rides, or even sit on the edge of a ferryboat overlooking the water (my Dad would hold me of course, but if I got scared and said I didn't want to do it he would get very angry and make me, saying that I needed to get over my fear and that I would have fun once I was up there [I didn't]) and I think that somehow this translated into this subconscious irrational fear that demands = bad. I went through decades of self-medicating and trying different things to get over it, alcohol seemed to help but having to get drunk in order to 'do' things isn't really a feasible solution, I really would just like to not have this stupid disorder and be able to make myself do the things I want/need to do in order to get to where I want to be in life!!! I know my Dad was just trying to raise me to be a hard worker, but I wish he had understood that the result was the exact opposite. Thankfully I now have a job where I am the Boss for the most part, and have a lot of leeway in getting things done - but it can still be a struggle when I'm on a time crunch, or when any other 'demands' are involved!!!
@anthony_leckie Жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to much of what you described.
@eleanordavies1467 Жыл бұрын
I can’t ever have quiet time because the demands my body imposes on me are too loud
@Person-ef4xj Жыл бұрын
As someone diagnosed as autistic in early childhood I'm starting to wonder if I might be PDA as I would make enough eye contact in early childhood that specialist initially thought I couldn't be autistic, but I have read that using socially acceptable eye contact is more common in PDA, and part of why I was diagnosed is that I was observed watching and mimicking the behavior of other children. I also would think of myself as an equal to adults, and that initially punishment would visibly not work on me, and then it would cause me to hide my anxiety about being told what to do. I also found that some of the typical acomadations for autism were somewhat stressful.
@PennyLC Жыл бұрын
thankyou so much I rlly appreciate this video its the only explanation of my feelings that has ever made sense to me, nobody else's models of understanding ever felt right. I told them it's not attention levels it's stress levels. exactly! thankyou. Your video is so good and it makes me want to write about it too and (very unusual for me) talk about it to everybody
@zrajm Жыл бұрын
Soooo... Do you have (or want to make) a video on avoidance-avoidance strategies? I.e. conscious efforts you have made to avoid avoiding, or trick your mind into doing things that you'd instinctively avoid (even though you want to do them at some level)? - E.g. when I'm creating a web page I often publish my result straight away, and continuously while I'm working on it, rather than at the end, because if I were to publish it last thing I did, it would never happen. (Most projects thus wind up in a perpetually unfinished, but workable version, rather than no version at all.) - I guess your art style (as you describe it in the video) would be one such avoidance-avoidance strategy. Maybe counter-avoidance would be a better name than avoidance-avoidance. :) - Though avoidance-avoidance appeals to my build in wordplaying mind.
@evergreenforestwitch Жыл бұрын
Thabk you so much for this!! I am 43 and am in the process of getting an autism dx and I am fairly certain I have this as well and I've never heard another person say they experience anything like this - such a relief! Thank you!
@meta5175 Жыл бұрын
I do find a lot of it really relatable, but I don't think I enjoy masking. There's a possibility that I do enjoy the act itself, but only if I'm able to turn it on and off as I will (which is not the case, and I tend to feel exhausted after social situation, or if I don't mask and I'll fall into self blame for a long time), I also hate the feeling of not knowing who I am and have no output for my feelings and thoughts because I find it necessary to hide them from anyone else.
@youteacher78 Жыл бұрын
As a diagnosed autistic I recognize many traits. But then I often wonder, if we go on like this won't we end up with as many diagnosis as there are people? I don't want to minimize your suffering, but you sound like a healthy individual in a unhealthy world, like most of us. We were not made to obey. I think we are the strong ones - we can't accept being compromised for the crime of being alive and we will fight to have our needs met. That's all. But until we are all free, keep up the good work, you keep us safe by providing words to shelter us.
@katrinedda1107 Жыл бұрын
I wonder if we PDAers are more prone to internal meltdowns due to this tendency? I haven't had an external meltdown in years but I have one internally every other day! It's very painful and hard to contain but I refuse to meltdowns in front of others to the point where people never even notice them, to them I'm just more quiet or daydreaming. Does anyone else experience this?
@katrinedda1107 Жыл бұрын
Although the audio quality makes my ears hurt a bit due to sensory issues, I really appreciate this video!! Ever since I can remember I've often hidden my true emotions, even if I felt a need to communicate them. Maybe the internal demand of communication can cause masking for us PDAers? But at the same time, once we learn to utilise it, masking actually helps us communicate it! I've been told I didn't cry when I was born despite nothing being wrong, which perplexed the doctors! I doubt I had the intellectual capacity to mask at that age yet it still sounds plausible to me. My first memory is of my dad holding me between his thighs as I was an infant, I was completely terrified and was screaming on the inside but nobody noticed because my scream was completely internal!
Пікірлер
hi i really love your work but the sound quality can make listening to it very difficult to understand but also uncomfortable. i understand that sound equipment is pricey but hopefully if you post anytime soon the sound will be clearer. thank you love your youtube and blog!! truly saved my life
Nice music
Thanks! This really was a very informative video, and a lot easier to watch than read through
Informative & entertaining 🙂
Goodness gracious thank you! I believe I have answer! For my daughter and myself.
„Who is behind the mask“ ❤ so glad, I stumbled upon your videos!
I kinda struggle to see the difference between demand avoidance and executive dysfunction
Unpressured peace is needed. Exactly.
OK yeah. My masking is natural, and talk about "finding your true self" always rang hollow to me, as I myself felt sure that everyone is masking, so what's the point if under the mask you can only find a different mask? Nowadays I understand this isn't a universal experience...
Thank you much, but my senses can't take the music.
Thank you. School was hell for me. I absolutely hated every moment of it and I am still angry that I was forced into that intolerable situation.
My whole day. I think nt's are dogs and we are cats. Try forcing a cat to do what it doesn't want to. As a child, I know I felt I was an individual entity and my wants and needs were every bit as important as the adult's. I felt like I was trapped, controlled, unheard. I could not wait to be an adult and be free of having to do what other people want. I hated being a kid. I burned out and retired at 59. When they asked me what I was going to do when I retired, I told them 'Whatever I want to do. Not what everyone else wants me to do.' Only to find out I don't even want to do the things I want me to do.
I need a relief valve...
I'm very much an internalised PDA person and I've only come to realise it this year, nine years after my autism diagnosis
I don’t want this to come off as invalidating, but just being someone who knows a lot about bpd, and also I struggle to not say something I think should be said if that makes any sense? It’s not a good trait I know, but I feel like if there’s anywhere I can be myself and voice my thoughts it should be here. The wording the psychiatrists used with Jilian was incorrect, avoidant borderline personality disorder in itself is not a diagnosis, and it’s not in the dsm, but it comes from research done on the different sub types of bpd. I’m guessing this is what they meant, but they should have clarified and given her the information on how it’s a subtype, it’s not considered a formal diagnosis, but the research has shown promising things in terms of helping people with bpd access the treatment that will work more specifically for them. That being said, I’m not claiming that she does have bpd or anything like that, I’m not a doctor, I’ve just been diagnosed with bpd, and I’ve done a lot of looking into it. I’m currently seeking a diagnosis of autism more specifically the pda profile, I don’t know if I was misdiagnosed with bpd or if it’s just both. That’s the other thing, the new leading theory on how bpd develops is someone with neurodivergence who didn’t receive the proper support growing up. So in my mind, it makes a lot of sense for both to be able to be present in an autistic adult, especially if they didn’t receive a diagnosis until adult hood. I think statistics echo this, in both you’re more likely to also have the other, but I feel like that honestly goes for any mental health disorder so take that with a grain of salt. I just wanted to put this here because it’s very possible for someone out there to have this combination and I just hope this wouldn’t confuse them and then only receive help for one and not both.
That totally explains a lot of things that I struggle on a day to day basis. After watching your video, I got very overwhelmed by realizing that I have PDA. It made me have an internal meltdown.
I have this also.
Thank you so much! The effort of overcoming your PDA long enough to produce this was extremely worth while, thank you again, it is such clearly presented and valuable information. Much empathy, warmth and gratitude from a fellow PDAer.
Your animation is awesome!
I just realized why I use other peoples methods against them, it is a form of mimicry. I only do then when the other party declares war against me. Now I am a self diagnosed PDA autistic. So now this makes sense, it is my form of masking! Holly cow now I understand!
My mind is blown. Thank you for sharing this info. I have a new rabbit hole to go down. LoL
Thank you so much for this video. First I discovered INFJ videos, then I learned I was an "Enneagram 5", then the Autism videos started to pop up, then it narrowed to the PDA videos. Every step felt a little bit closer to understand what was wrong with me. Why my brain could be great, but also so obviously wrong. I am 40 years old and I am finally coming to terms with who I am, and this video is something I will show to my important people to help them understand too. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you for shining a light on this. I'm wondering if you have a similar video without all the music and effects. They make it hard for me to concentrate. Thanks.
I have to prepare myself to act, act, then recover from acting.
I implode
Cub sounds really off.
This describes my son, my husband, me. My father, every ex I've ever had. How does one access this quiet time? And how does one help the cooled down kettle learn that they need to repair? Because apparently most of us are really shitty at that part.
Great topic but can't cope with the sudden loud weird music sorry. Must be my autism 🤔😞😒
Thank you! This is so helpful as a mother of someone with PDA. I’m always curious how it feels to be him so I can help him. In fact, that’s a new conversation we continually have now: what does it feel like to be you in this situation? It has completely transformed our relationship and eliminated so much unnecessary stress for us both. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing, this makes so, so much sense. Because you just described me.
I’m curious, is there a way to get an official diagnosis of either of these? I’ve struggled with sleep my entire life, been made to feel lazy by the rest of “rise with the sun” society, also considering it could be that my brain fights sleep due to childhood trauma.. only at 40 realizing I probably have pda accompanying my AuDHD..and DSPS sounds incredibly likely, rather than a moral deficiency “if I could just force myself to go to sleep I could be a morning person.” I’ve been on sleeping pills most of my adult life, otherwise I would be awake all night
Anxiety!!!! 🤣
Thank you for perfectly describing the evil side of me that can come out, whilst the rest of me looks on in horror. Thank you for showing me I'm not alone.
thank you so much for sharing your perspective on masking. as a fellow PDA autistic, this is very fascinating and i found it relatable as well!
nitpick: that music is jarring and irritating (to me at least)
I agree... but I held on and pushed through because the information was wonderful.
Music is awesome
I live in the U.S. I've had epilepsy for a long time. If you call seizures 'fits' over here, no one will appreciate or understand it, FYI. I appreciate the video.
spectacular content! "internalized meltdowns" is a term i hadnt heard before and it explains a lot. i really appreciate you sharing your perspective, thank you!
Cool!
Hahaha, even clicking off the video by accident and then thinking "I need to click back and finish watching it", my next reaction becomes "No, I'm not going to finish watching that video because i don't have to" and I go to watch something else instead. XD
Recently dx'd with high functioning asd and one of my biggest issues has always been that when I want to do something or set a goal for myself (like say, learning computer programming) I will get excited about the prospect of learning a new skill, until it's actually time to do it - and then I get this physical feeling come over my body like *I CAN'T MOVE*. It's almost like physical pain, or an extreme apathy that I feel in my limbs, and it becomes hard to lift them + I end up with anxiety. Also throughout most of my life holding down jobs was equally difficult for the same reason. I wanted the job, I was happy to make money and work, but when it came time to go to work I would feel the same physical 'freezing up' and it would make it hard to get to work, the harder I tried, the more anxious I would get and I would ultimately end up calling in sick - all the while assuming I must have some kind of severe social anxiety or something, even though I never fully fit that profile (and the fact it happened with self-imposed restrictions or demands as well); and if someone made an appointment for me (like a partner saying "oh hey, I volunteered you to help at so-and-so's birthday at the end of the month") I would become irrationally angry, to the point of aggression (which resulted in a lot of self-hatred and depression - but it seemed no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop when I was triggered?). I found PDA by asking some ppl if they've ever experienced the same, and after watching a couple of videos I'm pretty sure this is what's going on. I read some things that said early-life trauma or parental neglect, abuse, etc. has nothing to do with it - but I think that's a stupid thing to say given the lack of research as well as the fact almost everyone I've heard say they fit the profile can trace the reasoning back to childhood in some fashion. For my own example, I was often forced as a child to have to do things I didn't want to do, like mow the lawn (being told I had to do it right when I would ask to go and play with friends - eg, Me: "my homeworks all done, can I go and play with my friends?" My Dad: "get out there and mow the lawn first" Me: "but my friends can only stay for an hour and they will have to go home!" My Dad: "No buts!!! Get out there and get it done, then you can go!" 😭) or being told to do the dishes when all the other kids my age were playing outside. I was also not often given a choice about what I wanted to do and would be forced to do things like go on scary rides, or even sit on the edge of a ferryboat overlooking the water (my Dad would hold me of course, but if I got scared and said I didn't want to do it he would get very angry and make me, saying that I needed to get over my fear and that I would have fun once I was up there [I didn't]) and I think that somehow this translated into this subconscious irrational fear that demands = bad. I went through decades of self-medicating and trying different things to get over it, alcohol seemed to help but having to get drunk in order to 'do' things isn't really a feasible solution, I really would just like to not have this stupid disorder and be able to make myself do the things I want/need to do in order to get to where I want to be in life!!! I know my Dad was just trying to raise me to be a hard worker, but I wish he had understood that the result was the exact opposite. Thankfully I now have a job where I am the Boss for the most part, and have a lot of leeway in getting things done - but it can still be a struggle when I'm on a time crunch, or when any other 'demands' are involved!!!
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to much of what you described.
I can’t ever have quiet time because the demands my body imposes on me are too loud
As someone diagnosed as autistic in early childhood I'm starting to wonder if I might be PDA as I would make enough eye contact in early childhood that specialist initially thought I couldn't be autistic, but I have read that using socially acceptable eye contact is more common in PDA, and part of why I was diagnosed is that I was observed watching and mimicking the behavior of other children. I also would think of myself as an equal to adults, and that initially punishment would visibly not work on me, and then it would cause me to hide my anxiety about being told what to do. I also found that some of the typical acomadations for autism were somewhat stressful.
thankyou so much I rlly appreciate this video its the only explanation of my feelings that has ever made sense to me, nobody else's models of understanding ever felt right. I told them it's not attention levels it's stress levels. exactly! thankyou. Your video is so good and it makes me want to write about it too and (very unusual for me) talk about it to everybody
Soooo... Do you have (or want to make) a video on avoidance-avoidance strategies? I.e. conscious efforts you have made to avoid avoiding, or trick your mind into doing things that you'd instinctively avoid (even though you want to do them at some level)? - E.g. when I'm creating a web page I often publish my result straight away, and continuously while I'm working on it, rather than at the end, because if I were to publish it last thing I did, it would never happen. (Most projects thus wind up in a perpetually unfinished, but workable version, rather than no version at all.) - I guess your art style (as you describe it in the video) would be one such avoidance-avoidance strategy. Maybe counter-avoidance would be a better name than avoidance-avoidance. :) - Though avoidance-avoidance appeals to my build in wordplaying mind.
Thabk you so much for this!! I am 43 and am in the process of getting an autism dx and I am fairly certain I have this as well and I've never heard another person say they experience anything like this - such a relief! Thank you!
I do find a lot of it really relatable, but I don't think I enjoy masking. There's a possibility that I do enjoy the act itself, but only if I'm able to turn it on and off as I will (which is not the case, and I tend to feel exhausted after social situation, or if I don't mask and I'll fall into self blame for a long time), I also hate the feeling of not knowing who I am and have no output for my feelings and thoughts because I find it necessary to hide them from anyone else.
As a diagnosed autistic I recognize many traits. But then I often wonder, if we go on like this won't we end up with as many diagnosis as there are people? I don't want to minimize your suffering, but you sound like a healthy individual in a unhealthy world, like most of us. We were not made to obey. I think we are the strong ones - we can't accept being compromised for the crime of being alive and we will fight to have our needs met. That's all. But until we are all free, keep up the good work, you keep us safe by providing words to shelter us.
I wonder if we PDAers are more prone to internal meltdowns due to this tendency? I haven't had an external meltdown in years but I have one internally every other day! It's very painful and hard to contain but I refuse to meltdowns in front of others to the point where people never even notice them, to them I'm just more quiet or daydreaming. Does anyone else experience this?
Although the audio quality makes my ears hurt a bit due to sensory issues, I really appreciate this video!! Ever since I can remember I've often hidden my true emotions, even if I felt a need to communicate them. Maybe the internal demand of communication can cause masking for us PDAers? But at the same time, once we learn to utilise it, masking actually helps us communicate it! I've been told I didn't cry when I was born despite nothing being wrong, which perplexed the doctors! I doubt I had the intellectual capacity to mask at that age yet it still sounds plausible to me. My first memory is of my dad holding me between his thighs as I was an infant, I was completely terrified and was screaming on the inside but nobody noticed because my scream was completely internal!